Posted tagged ‘Romney jokes’

Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

-

For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

-

Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

-

Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

-

Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

-

Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

-

Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

-

The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

-

Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

-

Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

-

As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

Good times?

June 8, 2013

Really?!! In talking about his 2012 campaign Mitt Romney said today “I can tell you the hurricane (Sandy) didn’t come at the right time.” Would Mitt like to enlighten us as to when he thinks might have been a good time?

-

Glenn Beck said today “For any role that I have played in dividing, I wish I can take them (my comments) back.” Translation, I wish I hadn’t been fired from my Fox show.

-

From my funny friend R.J. Currie “The NBA fined Miami Heat star LeBron James $5,000 for flopping, which is one minute seven seconds pay he’ll never get back.”

-

Speech-less in San Jose. Some are criticizing President Obama because he delayed his speech for a minute or so when aides forgot to leave his speech at the podium. Well, at least they can’t complain this time about his use of a teleprompter.

-

While Michele Bachmann is not running again for Congress she did hint that she may run for President in 2016. Might be the best news Democrats have had all week.

-

Maybe all kids growing up should get a Miranda rights type lecture on social media. Ian Clarkin might have benefited. After the 18-year-old pitcher said his top baseball moment growing up was watching the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in game 7 of the World Series – “I cannot stand the Yankees, so I was actually in tears I was so happy,” And of course, who drafted him? The Yankees.

-

Kim Kardashian is upset with pararazzi hoping to get a picture of her while pregnant and has called for “laws to be put in place to prevent this behavior.” Wonder if Kim will take her campaign for privacy to her reality show.

-

Despite perhaps a smoking gun, or should I say smoking syringe, many MLB analysts think there will be few if any more suspensions from the Bigenesis mess. Is this baseball’s version of “Too big to fail?”

-

American Airlines is almost doubling their charge for a second bag checked on flights to Europe, from $60 to $100. Wonder how much they’d charge to check a bag that would always end up on the same flight that you do.

-

Cleveland closer Chris Perez and his wife were charged with misdemeanor possession after drug agents intercepted a marijuana package mailed to his home. Police say Perez told them he had pot for personal use and pointed out two jars. His lawyer says the couple will plead not guilty and “expect a favorable outcome.” Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana and short-term memory.

-

Cincinnati Bengals OT Andrew Whitworth said if he ended up on a team that moved to London he would “hope that I was financially able to quit, because if I was, my papers would be the first one in.” Just wondering, has Whitworth looked at a globe lately? It wouldn’t be the easiest trip, but for example, Boston to London is barely 500 miles more than Miami to Seattle. And it’s closer to Cincinnati than Hawaii, where Whitman happily went to the Pro Bowl.

 

A Texas actress who has had minor TV roles was arrested today and charged with sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Allegedly she did it because she was mad at her husband and hoped to implicate him. Kind of makes “Not tonight, I have a headache” look warm and fuzzy by comparison.

-

The way Dodgers’ rookie Yasiel Puig is hitting, how long until someone with the Giants sends a boat close to the Cuban shore and yells for baseball players to jump in….

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

-

According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

-

There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

-

No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

-

Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

-

UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

-

No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

-

The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

-

Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

-

Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”

303.

November 7, 2012

Electoral votes.  Pending Florida,  which is heading for another recount.  Y’all take all the time you want this go around.

-

Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?

-

Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44.   So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?

-

Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.

-

Late this evening ,  Mitt Romney called  President Obama to concede. As a Californian  I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-

-

President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.

-

CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?

-

For that matter CNN  also said  Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed.  . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.

-

Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”

-

Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.”    Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?

 

 

From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”

-

-

And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.

T’is the season.

November 2, 2012

In case anyone thought it’s only the U.S. that is out of control with early holiday shopping – in London, Santa’s Grotto is open at Harrods tomorrow as Father Christmas arrives – November 3!

-

Despite long lines and urging from the League of Women Voters, Florida Gov. Rick Scott on Thursday today refused to extend early voting through Sunday. Of course, if he could Scott would probably deal with the lines by dismissing the 19th amendment.

-

As Americans deal with countless last-minute emails asking for campaign money, more people on both sides of the aisle might start agreeing with John McCain. When he said that Citizens United was the Supreme Court’s “worst decision ever.”

-

Steve Spurrier now says that Alabama could beat some NFL teams. Well, based on his tenure with the Redskins, maybe a lousy NFL team IF Spurrier was coaching them.

-

Watching Chris Christie and Barack Obama together – whoever thought a potential election game-changer might include the words “Jersey Shore?”

-

It’s only two games into the NBA season. But who do the newly star-studded Los Angeles Lakers think they are? The Dodgers?

-

Here’s a bipartisan cheerful thought. In five days, we won’t have to read a single news story involving polls….. (Until candidates start running for 2016, which should take about a week.)

-

Well, this ought to take care of the stereotype of NFL players as pampered and out of touch: Since their usual hotel still doesn’t have power, the Pittsburgh Steelers now will fly into Newark Sunday morning and bus to the Meadowlands for a 4:25pm kickoff against the NY Giants. Oh, the horror.

-

Proving that there is nothing in America that isn’t an excuse for a sale – Macy’s advertising an “Election Day Sale.” (Shame there isn’t a further discount if you can prove you have voted.) Standby for “Hurricane Sandy” sale to follow.

-

Mitt Romney’s campaign dismissed New York Mayor Bloomberg’s endorsement of President Obama as inconsequential. Gosh, if they said that earlier maybe Bloomberg might have made up his mind sooner.

$126 Million Bargain?

October 19, 2012

So the torture continues until at least Game 6 of the NLCS, thanks to Barry Zito. Should the postseason video be titled “50 Shades of Orange?”

-

Okay, who would have made the bet in Las Vegas that Barry Zito started NLCS Game 5 with 7 2/3 scoreless innings tonight? Now all you liars put your hands down.

-

Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “I can’t believe Barry Zito is getting the Cardinals out with that junk.”

-

A little “inside baseball” for SF Giants fans -  Well, contrary to previous popular belief, Buster Posey can apparently catch Barry Zito.

-

-

Honestly thought that Fox has said more positive things about President Obama than they have about the SF Giants before game five.  They thought this series was over.

-

And so what time is that Yankees game tomorrow?

-

-

Just a question for Romney fans, if Mitt thinks he’s going to be so much better – and somehow different – from George W. Bush, why didn’t he emulate his former rival Ted Kennedy and challenge the President in the primary?

-

“Big Tex” the giant metal cowboy who’s greeted visitors to the Texas State Fair for 60 years, was destroyed by fire today. Devastated Texans nonetheless know that big inanimate objects can come back – witness Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-

According to the NY Daily News, a Yankee player said that hostile fans at Yankee Stadium affected the team in the ALCS. “A lot of guys were talking about it in the clubhouse. I was surprised by how much it bothered them. I really don’t think they ever recovered.” Gosh. Good thing the stands weren’t really full then.

-

Another graduate of the Todd Akin school of science: Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh told reporters it’s “absolutely” never necessary for an abortion to save the life of a mother. “With modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance .. There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.”

-

Oops. Did some idiot spray Big Tex? From the AP: “The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.”

-

Fidel Castro is reportedly in a “vegetative state” after a stroke. Insert tasteless Ronald Reagan joke here:

Better to be lucky than good?

October 10, 2012

The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason.  And their batting average tonight went DOWN.  (3 for 32.)  And they didn’t have a hit with a runner in scoring position.  And they won 2-1.

Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching (and bad opposition fielding) bails out awful hitting.

-

This is the weirdest survival story with no hits since Taylor Hicks.

-

Normally when a team wins with as little offense as the SF Giants displayed tonight, penalty kicks are involved.

-

Heck,  President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason.

-

Maybe not exactly the headline they were hoping for. Stacey Dash has come out supporting the GOP Presidential ticket. And the headline reads “Clueless star supporting Romney.”‘

-

A dance instructor has been arrested and charged with running a prostitution business out of her studio in Kennebuckport, Maine, where the Bush family has their summer compound. Can we call it a “trickle-down/economic stimulus?”

-

A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg.  If he doesn’t make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver?

-

Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky’s 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn’t start 30 years earlier.

-

According to a L.A. Daily News columnist, when USC WR Robert Wood took a shot to the head last week, he had to answer 3 questions before returning: 1. Who is the current president? 2. What is today’s date? 3. What is 100 minus seven, minus seven, minus seven? Wow, those questions could bench half the players in the SEC.

-

Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “kids, make up your minds.”

-

Fully expect numbers to bounce all over the place between now and November 6. But really, all this hype over people who have enough time on their hands that they don’t hang up on pollsters?

-

Now the political hype switches to the V.P.  debate. Where a win is so critically important. Just ask Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.

C is for Cuts?

October 4, 2012

President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”

-

All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.

-

Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.

-

Or  did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”

-

From my good friend, Michele Eggars,  who doesn’t share my political views  – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.

-

And from Marc Ragovin:   “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”

-

Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?

-

Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.

-

 

Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.

-

Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”

 

-

Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?

-

NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.

-

New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”

-

TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….

-

The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”

-

Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”

Our short national nightmare is over.

September 26, 2012

The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.

-

From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout:   Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!

-

Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.

-

A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.

-

Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.

 

(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers.  For those who haven’t been to Florida,  Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)

 

-

Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.

-

A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.

-

Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.

-

Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.

 

-

Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address…    “Dear Janice….  “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”

 

-

How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said  -  “Not winning.”

 

 

 

Referees are missing calls, I’m shocked, shocked….

September 25, 2012

Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.

-

Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.

-

Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.

-

Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh?   (There might still be crime tape on the field. )

-

 

-

 

The possible  real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.

 

 

-

On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.

 

Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?

 

-

Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.

-

Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.

-

A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.

-

 

-

Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.

 

-

At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.

-

 

In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.

-

 

Any given away Sunday.

September 23, 2012

Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.

 

Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”

 

(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one.  Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)

-

-

-

Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?

-

Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.

-

After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.

-

Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.

-

RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?

-

NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.

-

Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”

-

#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama  November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.

-

Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.

-

A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?

 

-

More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote.   It also included  “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question  “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)

 

All choked up?

September 22, 2012

Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.

 

-

Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.

 

-

So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?

 

-

Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.

-

As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.

 

-

The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.

 

-

Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.

 

-

President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.

-

From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”

-

According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”

-

 

Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?

 

 

Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?

If you’re reading this.

September 20, 2012

You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5.   Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old.   Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”

-

A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.

-

Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?

-

So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?

-

Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?

-

The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.

-

This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”

-

-

-

Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.

-

New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?

-

Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.

-

Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.

-

To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.

2012 – were the Mayans right?

September 19, 2012

Leaving politics aside, is this ESPN headline a sign of the apocalypse? “Nationals inch closer to clinching postseason spot.”

-

Mitt Romney says that “Letterman hates me because I’ve been on Leno more than him. Letterman’s response “I don’t hate Mitt.” Well of course, how can you hate someone who gives you so much material?

-

The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don’t have to see election ads on television 24/7.

-

PED’s, brain injuries, arrests…. good to know that the NFL is on top of the important things – like fining the 49ers’ Alex Smith $15,000 for wearing an SF Giants cap to a post-game news conference. (Really. Although they later did change the fine to a warning.)

Meanwhile this from comedy writer friend Torben Rolfsen, after Falcons RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI just hours after Monday night’s win: “He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.”

-

The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available?

(my friend Tony L. suggests “Singapore. Then they can be the “Big Far East.”)

-

Todd Akin’s campaign site today urged his female supporters to sign a pledge saying “I’m a women, and I support Todd.” (I guess spelling is another of those wacky liberal concepts.)

-

Bumpersticker idea for the day:     “One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama.”

-

Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down.

-

Lindsay Lohan has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident after allegedly hitting a pedestrian at 1230a in Manhattan last night. It’s all part of America’s celebrity “50 strikes and you’re out” program.

-

Interesting, while Mitt’s trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) – Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits.

-

Paul Ryan’s said Mitt Romney’s comments on the 47% were “obviously inarticulate.”   How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents’ mistakes reveal their true feelings?.

47%

September 19, 2012

So it’s all about the Romney video.   But really, there’s hasn’t been so much talk about 47% since, well, last Thursday and Jay Cutler’s completion rate.

-

(And btw, since there are no ads, no taxes are paid from the writing of this blog.)

-

 

Mitt Romney just dissed Americans who see themselves as “victims.” So much for that all important Cubs’  fan vote.

 

-

SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves – 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox – 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted.

-

Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax……

-

Just wondering, if Tampa Bay’s attempt to rush the NY Giants’ huddle during their end of game kneel-down had resulted in a fumble, how many teams would try it next week?

-

The San Jose Spartans received one 25th place vote in this week’s USA Today-Coaches college football poll. Well, they did come closer to beating Stanford than USC.

-

NFL teams are furious with the replacement refs. They can’t wait to get back to being furious with the regular officials.

-

The New York Jets lwere scoreless in the last 40 minutes of their loss to the Steelers, Peyton Manning threw three interceptions in a quarter in a loss to the Falcons. Wonder whose fans were screaming louder for Tim Tebow?

-

USC Matt Barkley said today he’s glad coach Lane Kiffin publicly critiqued his play last weekend against Stanford. Is this the college football equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome?”

-

Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning – even when you think you have privacy, don’t expose yourself.

 

-

The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa.

-

Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig.

-

PC overload time. A Rhode Island school district banned father-daughter dances and mother-son ballgames on gender discrimination charges. Who do they think they are – San Francisco?

Cattiness?

September 10, 2012

USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.

-

Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.

-

Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?

-

Question of the day.  Is RG3 that good?  Or is the Saints defense that bad?

-

-

Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.

(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored -  Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)

 

Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press”  that  he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed.  Wow.  I  could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.

 

-

-

 

The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.

-

Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.

-

Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.

-

So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?

Imperfect storms.

August 29, 2012

In Rick Santorum’s speect at tonight’s GOP convention, he said that we should elect Mitt Romney as president in order to stop an “assault on marriage and family.”  Well, heck, if that’s his priority, why isn’t Santorum also pushing for a constitutional amendment against divorce?

-

Whatever the damages from Isaac end up being,  the storm is almost certain to raise gas prices. And former V.P. Dick Cheney said “See, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.”

-

 

 

Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newhouse “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” Well, yeah, fact checkers use liberal commie-pinko stuff like math and science.

-

From Gary M.  “Mitt would attempt to cultivate a personality but thinks it would be too taxing.”

 

After tonight’s SF Giants web-gem.  A 5-5-6 foul pop up out recorded by Pablo Sandoval and Brandon Crawford,  seems pretty clear that the Giants are now the official MLB team of professional beach volleyball.

http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?c_id=sf&content_id=24286889&topic_id=11493214

-

How does Mitt Romney expect to work with Congress if he can’t even work with Ron Paul delegates?

-

ESPN has announced a new MLB contract for the next eight years. Eight years?!! That’s got to be at least 500 Yankees-Red Sox games.

-

Mark Teixeira may be heading to the DL. Hmm, wonder which high-priced replacements might be available. Of course now the Yankees and Dodgers are like two rich women fighting over the last new Louis Vuitton handbag.

-

Chris Christie bashed California Governor Jerry Brown yesterday. He must be upset at all those folks fleeing the Golden State trying to sneak across the borders to New Jersey.

-

Down in Tampa, Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition is still supporting Todd Akin, and says he “would prefer Akin over any competitor in a political race.” Which gives Sheldon something in common with many Democrats.

-

If Hurricane Isaac causes less than expected damage to Louisiana how long will it take for Governor Bobby Jindal to stop asking for more federal government money and start complaining again  about excess federal  government spending?

-

Darwin award winner of the month: A Kalispell man was killed by cars that ran him over on the freeway, while, according to his friends, he was out there in a ghillie suit (3D military camouflage) attempting to provoke a Bigfoot sighting – to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.

-

Watching the hourly Isaac updates. Must say, in California we have our earthquakes but at least we don’t have to stress out for a week in advance anticipating them.

 

Didn’t we pay for perfect?

August 26, 2012

The Dodgers lost today, 6-2 to the Marlins. You know what that means – time to trade for another $200 million in new players.

-

This just in, the Los Angeles Dodgers have offered Japan $100 million for a futures contract for  Kotaro Kiyomiya.

-

The Cowboys have ordained that Dez Bryant must follow some off-field rules, including not going to a strip club, while he is on the team. Let’s hope this doesn’t throw the Dallas area exotic dancing business into a recession.

-

USC announced that CB Isiah Wiley has been ruled academically ineligible for the 2012 season and has lost his scholarship. This should send a strong message to other Trojan players – do NOT blow off that final exam for ballroom dancing class.

-

T.O. has been cut by the Seattle Seahawks. And who saw that coming?

-

If it were the Democratic convention that was postponed  in Florida this week we’d be hearing nonstop from conservative preachers today how Isaac was an Act of God.

-

 

At a rally today, Mitt Romney accused the Obama campaign of continuing “to stoop to such a low level.” And then presumably he closed with another birth certificate joke.

-

Ron Paul said today of Mitt Romney: “I don’t fully endorse him for president.” Republicans are just glad Paul didn’t use the phrase “legitimate endorsement.”

-

 

An SF Chronicle article on Florida voters quotes Jim Tornabene, 76, who says he’s a former Democrat, and a retired firefighter with a good pension. He’ll vote for Romney because “He’s a capitalist, and I support capitalism. It used to be the Democratic Party. Now it’s the welfare party.” Right, and I got MY pension.

.

-

Meg Whitman has been CEO since Sept 2011 of HP, which just recorded a record $8.9 billion quarterly loss. Though Whitman says the company is in the “early stages of a turnaround” she expects to take 5-6 years. Not quite the timetable she and others have set for President Obama.

-

Whatever you say about Paul Ryan as a running mate, I guess at least he doesn’t put Mitt Romney in a position of running with a politician from Florida or Louisiana, who this week might need to ask for federal funds and help to deal with Hurricane Isaac.

Down for the count?

August 25, 2012

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”

-

Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.

-

Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.

-

The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.

-

If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.

-

My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”

-

Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’  rotation.

 

Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”

-
Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
-
Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
-
Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
-
Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
-
Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?
-

Missed it by that much?

August 14, 2012

A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?

-

In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.

-

Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.

-

Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.”  Not to be outdone,  Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”

-

-

Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”

-

Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.

-

Okay gentle and not-gentle readers,  let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?

-

Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210″ episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?

-

No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”

-

The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?

-

Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.

-

Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…

(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)

-

Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 217 other followers