Posted tagged ‘Romney jokes’

All they do is win

October 17, 2014

goingtokc

 

SF Giants chicks are back to digging the long ball.

 

Congrats to Travis Ishikawa. Most Americans had no clue who he was yesterday, and now he’s trending on Twitter.

 

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No Cain, no Pagan, no Scutaro. Effectively no Lincecum. And no Belt or Morse for much of the year. ‪#‎cockroaches‬ ‪#‎sfgiants‬. ‪#‎worldseries‬

 

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Somewhere Bob Brenly is smiling. ‪#‎redemption‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

But the lead column on Fox Sports tonight.  “If you think Matheny deserves to be ripped, you’re right.”  Because of course Joe Buck’s network couldn’t say the SF Giants actually might have deserved to win this one.

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Back in June heard SFGiants GM Brian Sabean say how Joe Panik wasn’t ready for the big leagues yet.   Hard to imagine how good the kid might be when he IS ready.

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A new study finds that four areas of the San Andreas Fault in Northern California are now “overdue” for a significant quake. So why should Ebola have all the fear fun?

 

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Apparently Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to start his debate against Charlie Crist when Crist had a fan under the podium, because of a ban against electronic devices. ( Which was intended to keep them from using computers-laptops-phones….)

 

Got it. So Scott would have been okay with Crist waving a big paper fan while he talked?

 

How amazing was the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ win tonight to get to the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬? They knocked the ‪#‎NYJets‬ latest loss right off ‪#‎ESPN‬ front page.

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Ann Romney said today she is still “done” with the idea of Mitt running again, but added “you know, you never do say never.” “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.

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A judge found Donald Trump “personally liable” for knowingly operating his former Trump University without a license. So the Donald is in trouble because HE didn’t have a valid certificate.

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Seems like many of the same people whose retirement plan is to win the lottery are also convinced they’re going to get Ebola.

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Both LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzski are saying the NBA season should be shortened from 82 games. Good thing they are stars, otherwise the two might be fined for making too much sense.

 

 

From T.C. “The NBA is considering shortening their games from 48 to 44 minutes. I’d go with 46, as it’s the last two minutes that take forever.”

Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

Good times?

June 8, 2013

Really?!! In talking about his 2012 campaign Mitt Romney said today “I can tell you the hurricane (Sandy) didn’t come at the right time.” Would Mitt like to enlighten us as to when he thinks might have been a good time?

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Glenn Beck said today “For any role that I have played in dividing, I wish I can take them (my comments) back.” Translation, I wish I hadn’t been fired from my Fox show.

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From my funny friend R.J. Currie “The NBA fined Miami Heat star LeBron James $5,000 for flopping, which is one minute seven seconds pay he’ll never get back.”

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Speech-less in San Jose. Some are criticizing President Obama because he delayed his speech for a minute or so when aides forgot to leave his speech at the podium. Well, at least they can’t complain this time about his use of a teleprompter.

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While Michele Bachmann is not running again for Congress she did hint that she may run for President in 2016. Might be the best news Democrats have had all week.

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Maybe all kids growing up should get a Miranda rights type lecture on social media. Ian Clarkin might have benefited. After the 18-year-old pitcher said his top baseball moment growing up was watching the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in game 7 of the World Series – “I cannot stand the Yankees, so I was actually in tears I was so happy,” And of course, who drafted him? The Yankees.

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Kim Kardashian is upset with pararazzi hoping to get a picture of her while pregnant and has called for “laws to be put in place to prevent this behavior.” Wonder if Kim will take her campaign for privacy to her reality show.

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Despite perhaps a smoking gun, or should I say smoking syringe, many MLB analysts think there will be few if any more suspensions from the Bigenesis mess. Is this baseball’s version of “Too big to fail?”

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American Airlines is almost doubling their charge for a second bag checked on flights to Europe, from $60 to $100. Wonder how much they’d charge to check a bag that would always end up on the same flight that you do.

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Cleveland closer Chris Perez and his wife were charged with misdemeanor possession after drug agents intercepted a marijuana package mailed to his home. Police say Perez told them he had pot for personal use and pointed out two jars. His lawyer says the couple will plead not guilty and “expect a favorable outcome.” Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana and short-term memory.

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Cincinnati Bengals OT Andrew Whitworth said if he ended up on a team that moved to London he would “hope that I was financially able to quit, because if I was, my papers would be the first one in.” Just wondering, has Whitworth looked at a globe lately? It wouldn’t be the easiest trip, but for example, Boston to London is barely 500 miles more than Miami to Seattle. And it’s closer to Cincinnati than Hawaii, where Whitman happily went to the Pro Bowl.

 

A Texas actress who has had minor TV roles was arrested today and charged with sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Allegedly she did it because she was mad at her husband and hoped to implicate him. Kind of makes “Not tonight, I have a headache” look warm and fuzzy by comparison.

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The way Dodgers’ rookie Yasiel Puig is hitting, how long until someone with the Giants sends a boat close to the Cuban shore and yells for baseball players to jump in….

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”

303.

November 7, 2012

Electoral votes.  Pending Florida,  which is heading for another recount.  Y’all take all the time you want this go around.

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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?

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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44.   So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?

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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.

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Late this evening ,  Mitt Romney called  President Obama to concede. As a Californian  I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-

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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.

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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?

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For that matter CNN  also said  Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed.  . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.

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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”

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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.”    Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?

 

 

From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”

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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.

T’is the season.

November 2, 2012

In case anyone thought it’s only the U.S. that is out of control with early holiday shopping – in London, Santa’s Grotto is open at Harrods tomorrow as Father Christmas arrives – November 3!

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Despite long lines and urging from the League of Women Voters, Florida Gov. Rick Scott on Thursday today refused to extend early voting through Sunday. Of course, if he could Scott would probably deal with the lines by dismissing the 19th amendment.

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As Americans deal with countless last-minute emails asking for campaign money, more people on both sides of the aisle might start agreeing with John McCain. When he said that Citizens United was the Supreme Court’s “worst decision ever.”

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Steve Spurrier now says that Alabama could beat some NFL teams. Well, based on his tenure with the Redskins, maybe a lousy NFL team IF Spurrier was coaching them.

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Watching Chris Christie and Barack Obama together – whoever thought a potential election game-changer might include the words “Jersey Shore?”

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It’s only two games into the NBA season. But who do the newly star-studded Los Angeles Lakers think they are? The Dodgers?

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Here’s a bipartisan cheerful thought. In five days, we won’t have to read a single news story involving polls….. (Until candidates start running for 2016, which should take about a week.)

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Well, this ought to take care of the stereotype of NFL players as pampered and out of touch: Since their usual hotel still doesn’t have power, the Pittsburgh Steelers now will fly into Newark Sunday morning and bus to the Meadowlands for a 4:25pm kickoff against the NY Giants. Oh, the horror.

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Proving that there is nothing in America that isn’t an excuse for a sale – Macy’s advertising an “Election Day Sale.” (Shame there isn’t a further discount if you can prove you have voted.) Standby for “Hurricane Sandy” sale to follow.

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Mitt Romney’s campaign dismissed New York Mayor Bloomberg’s endorsement of President Obama as inconsequential. Gosh, if they said that earlier maybe Bloomberg might have made up his mind sooner.

$126 Million Bargain?

October 19, 2012

So the torture continues until at least Game 6 of the NLCS, thanks to Barry Zito. Should the postseason video be titled “50 Shades of Orange?”

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Okay, who would have made the bet in Las Vegas that Barry Zito started NLCS Game 5 with 7 2/3 scoreless innings tonight? Now all you liars put your hands down.

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Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “I can’t believe Barry Zito is getting the Cardinals out with that junk.”

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A little “inside baseball” for SF Giants fans –  Well, contrary to previous popular belief, Buster Posey can apparently catch Barry Zito.

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Honestly thought that Fox has said more positive things about President Obama than they have about the SF Giants before game five.  They thought this series was over.

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And so what time is that Yankees game tomorrow?

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Just a question for Romney fans, if Mitt thinks he’s going to be so much better – and somehow different – from George W. Bush, why didn’t he emulate his former rival Ted Kennedy and challenge the President in the primary?

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“Big Tex” the giant metal cowboy who’s greeted visitors to the Texas State Fair for 60 years, was destroyed by fire today. Devastated Texans nonetheless know that big inanimate objects can come back – witness Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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According to the NY Daily News, a Yankee player said that hostile fans at Yankee Stadium affected the team in the ALCS. “A lot of guys were talking about it in the clubhouse. I was surprised by how much it bothered them. I really don’t think they ever recovered.” Gosh. Good thing the stands weren’t really full then.

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Another graduate of the Todd Akin school of science: Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh told reporters it’s “absolutely” never necessary for an abortion to save the life of a mother. “With modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance .. There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.”

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Oops. Did some idiot spray Big Tex? From the AP: “The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.”

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Fidel Castro is reportedly in a “vegetative state” after a stroke. Insert tasteless Ronald Reagan joke here:


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