Posted tagged ‘Republican jokes’

Stirring the pot.

August 28, 2014

Dodgers LF Scott Van Slyke sprained his ankle yesterday night while playing in Arizona, and claimed it was because “They’ve got bad grass here.” Dude!   You want good grass, sign with the Colorado Rockies.

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Athletic director Pat Haden says USC officials vetted Josh Shaw’s story 12 times. Who was in charge of the investigation, O.J. Simpson? And is he still looking for the real hero?

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It’s midnight. Does anyone know where Josh Shaw’s latest story on his injury is?

 

Five Easy Pieces moment in Palo Alto: Wanting a glass of sparkling wine while waiting for a table at Delfina. Not on the menu. But but they have a Bellini. Asked nice young man if they could do prosecco. “He didn’t know what prosecco was but said no. Asked what was in Bellini. He checked and said, “peach and prosecco.” Okay, can you do prosecco? “No.” Alas, a woman coworker who overheard overruled him before I got to ask for the “Bellini, hold the Peach.”

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USC CB Josh Shaw was suspended indefinitely for lying to explain an injury, now senior RB Anthony Brown quit the Trojans saying “Can’t play for a racist MAN!!!!!”” And just guessing somewhere that Lane Kiffin is cackling.

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46 batters retired in a row. A major league baseball all-time record for Yusmeiro Petit. Your move, Kershaw? #Dodgers #SFGiants

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Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson apparently told Dallas owner Jerry Jones he would like to play for him and the Cowboys. Quick, check Peterson for concussions.

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Apple apparently will unveil iPhones with bigger screens next month. So at least when people look at their screens while walking and driving they won’t have to squint as much.

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An internal GOP poll shows that most women are “barely receptive” to Republicans and believe they are “stuck in the past.” Which no doubt will motivate many in the party – to try to repeal the 19th amendment.

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Roger Goodell, citing precedent for his two-game suspension for Ray Rice, has now announced that the NFL will suspend players and personnel six games for domestic violence, with a lifetime ban from the league for a second offense. So if it’s about precedents and rules, should the league put in writing what a first offense ban might be for say, actually killing someone?

 

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Paris was diverted to Boston over an argument over a passenger reclining his seat. If this keeps happening presumably airlines will try to prevent such issues, by making all seats non-reclining.

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Obama said at a press conference today that “we don’t have a strategy yet’ in Syria. Critics are furious, they want the President to spell out what he intends to do so they can say it is wrong.

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Joan Rivers is apparently in a medically induced coma after she stopped breathing during throat surgery. In her honor assume other comedians will rush to make inappropriate jokes?

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg. ” In Malibu, 50-year-old surfing legend, Laird Hamilton, rescued a surfer from drowning. Immediately afterward, Hamilton was offered a spot on the USC football team.”

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From T.C.  “Texas  A&M QB Kenny Hill passed for 511 yds and broke Johnny Manziel’s single game passing record tonight. In related news, the patent office says that the name Kenny Football has not yet been copyrighted.”

 

Just a few goals past ugly?

July 9, 2014

7-1 final. Germany hasn’t rolled over another country like this since…. oh, does this even need a punchline?
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This Brazil vs. Germany World Cup game should get us all ready for those thrilling September SEC-cupcake matchups.

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How ugly was it looking in Belo Horizonte against the Germans today? Wonder if the Brazilian team considered singing “Edelweiss” and trying to sneak out the back? #toosoon?

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#Dodgers score 5 runs off Justin Verlander in 1st, now trail #Tigers 12-5. Are both teams are taking turns emulating Brazil vs. Germany?

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Rough day for the Brazilian team. Maybe a record day for Caipirinha sales.

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Meanwhile, what a waste. Madison Bumgarner in an AL park with the DH. He was more likely to get a clutch hit than at least a few batters in the #SFGiants lineup.
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Cleveland has been selected as the site for the 2016 Republican Convention. Stand by for “Mistake by the Lake” jokes.

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Sarah Palin recently referred to today’s politics as “incorrigibly disastrous.” Well, if anyone should be an expert on “incorrigibly disastrous…”

(My friend Julia Park Tracey “I didn’t know she was polysyllabic.”)

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Two University of Miami football players, both projected starters, were dismissed from the team after being arrested on sexual battery charges against a “physically helpless” 17-year-old girl. Wonder how long it will take for them to show up “rehabilitated” on another team or on an NFL practice squad?
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This summer TGI Fridays will offer “Endless Appetizers.” $10 a person – no sharing please – unlimited refills of choices including Potato Skins, , Mozzarella Sticks and Boneless Buffalo Wings. Presumably the offer also comes with a free test for Type 2 Diabetes.

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United Airlines has announced they will outsource 630 jobs at 12 U.S. airports in a cost-saving move. So you thought that customer service was bad at Albuquerque; Buffalo; Charleston, Charlotte; Columbus, Ohio; Des Moines,. Detroit, El Paso, Sioux Falls, Wichita, Pensacola and Salt Lake City before…..

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce again. So guys, they’re available.
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John Boehner wants another $3.3 million for another House investigation of Benghazi. Not sure what they hope to find out this time, though it now seems pretty certain that if Congress put as much money and effort into protecting our Embassies and Consulates as they are now into “getting” Obama, Ambassador Stevens and the others would be alive today.

For whom the polls toll?

June 11, 2014

 

All you need to know about today’s Republican party. Eric Cantor just got knocked out in the GOP primary for being too moderate.

 

Eric Cantor’s team showed him with a 34 point lead over David Brat in late May. Yet another reason for the GOP to discount commie-pinko things like numbers

 

 

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75.8% shooting in the first half by #Spurs. I was watching an #NBAFinals game and an #NBA All Star game broke out

 

 

If someone who was watching their first NBA game tonight was told in advance that it would be an aging team of veterans against a younger team of super stars, assume they would have figured the kids were the Spurs?

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Proof that the World Cup isn’t that big a deal in the U.S.: Brazil’s time zone is only an hour ahead of Eastern Daylight time. But matches will be shown in real time, not tape-delayed and “plausibly live.”

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John Calipari turned down an $80 million, 10 year contract to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. Meaning that the NCAA is at least a year from putting sanctions on Kentucky.

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TCU (Texas Christian University) beat Pepperdine (a California Christian University) 6-5 yesterday to advance to the College World Series. So did God flip a coin to decide whose prayers to answer?

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The Rays have had three straight shut-out losses. Is Tampa Bay trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?

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Colts owner Robert Irsay, awaiting a hearing on his DUI arrest, gave an interview to the Indianapolis Star saying how addiction is a disease, but people don’t get help because of the stigma. Perhaps in his case, but how many people also don’t get help because of the cost of treatment and rehab?

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If the four Americans killed in Benghazi had been on leave in Washington, D.C. and were fatally shot by some crazy guy with a handgun, the GOP would have forgotten about them. #sadbuttrue

 

I’m the least PC liberal I know, but George Will, really?? Talking about “sexual assault” only in quotations and saying that colleges are making “victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges.” Really? Makes Limbaugh’s “slut” comment about a woman using birth control almost seem quaint.

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“America Rising,” a Republican opposition research group, attacked Hillary Clinton for being “someone who is extremely out of touch with the financial reality facing Americans,” because the two homes the Clintons purchased in Chappaqua,and D.C. cost around $4.5 million combined. The best part about this, “America Rising” was started by the former campaign manager for Mitt Romney.

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United Airlines announcement today  “We’re changing the MileagePlus® program to reward our members for their travel spending with United®. And we’re adding new ways to use your award miles, to make the frequent flyer program with the best award availability* even better. Translation, “Most of you are getting screwed.”

 Terminal, the sequel?

June 26, 2013

Edward Snowden is apparently  living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?

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President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.

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Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID.     The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach.  Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?

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So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules  (and perhaps altered a time-stamp)  can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.

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Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?

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The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.

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So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”

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Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?!  New York GM Brian Cashman.

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Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”

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Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?

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This  last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.

“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war.  In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called.  Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.

My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.

He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record.  (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)

When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”

He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.

It was a lifelong lesson.”

The show’s the thing.

February 18, 2013

Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale was Sunday night, along with the NBA All-Star Game. One is about rich, pampered and privileged people who live in a fantasy world; the other is a BBC series.

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At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.

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Just in time for Lincoln’s birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?

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Sorry to hear of the death of longtime Lakers owner, Jerry Buss. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to watch any more of this season.

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Congrats to Danica Patrick, who won the pole for the Daytona 500. Let the pole-dancing jokes begin.

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Just a nasty story about that 60 year old man who is accused of using a racial slur and slapping a crying 2 year old on a flight earlier this month. What kind of scumbag slaps a young child on a plane? Now, slapping a few parents, I can see the temptation….

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Really?! Lots of people talk too loud on their cellphone, but woman in an airport lounge is reading her credit card number, expiration date and security code loud enough to hear it across the room. Economic Darwinism in action?

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Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can’t afford to operate in California….

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Maker’s Mark says that customer feedback has caused the company to reverse their decision to cut their whiskey from 90 to 84 proof due to a “supply shortage.” Well, guess this answers that question – “What happened to the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?”

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Tampa Bay DE Da’Quan Bowers was arrested today at La Guardia airport after police found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. Jeez, what was he thinking? Trying to get traded to the Bengals?.

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Spring training games haven’t even started and the season’s first error? Josh Hamilton told a Dallas tv station last weekend that the DFW area is “not a true baseball town.” (April 22, mark your calendar, when the Angels play the Rangers in Arlington.)

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CBS pulled their new reality series “The Job” after two episodes. In fact the ratings were so bad they’re considering picking up the show at NBC.

If you’re unhappy and you know it….

January 26, 2013

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie supported QB Mark Sanchez by saying “When you don’t have a supporting cast, you’re going to get an average or below-average quarterback.” Well, actually the Jets had a great supporting cast, aka “Les Miserables.”

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Lance Armstrong’s lawyer told the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that the cyclist will help ”clean up cycling.”    Makes as much sense as Bill Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage Act.”

 

Titus Young, who has been sent home from the Detroit Lions 3 times in 2 years for insubordination, is now saying things on Twitter like “Oh I’m not done, if y’all going to cut me let me go” and threatening to retire if he doesn’t get the football. Even T.O. is thinking “Just STFU.”

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Dwight Howard on the Los Angeles Lakers: “Negativity just got to stop. I’m sick of hearing about it. We got to bring some positivity to the situation.” (And no doubt thinking “Especially because it’s harming my value on the free agent market when I’m out of here next season”)

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UCLA’s compliance department is investigating basketball star Shabazz Muhammad’s Gucci backpack, which the freshman wore it yesterday on television after the Arizona game. Uh, this one’s easy for Muhammad, just say he got the backpack on Canal Street on a trip to New York.

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This may only make sense to frequent fliers, but United Airlines has decided that 30 minutes is enough time at JFK airport to connect from their flight to a Swiss flight. Terminal 7 to Terminal 4. Really?! You’d have a better chance of seeing Tim Tebow lead the Jets to a Super Bowl.

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Sarah Palin, who has been a contributor to Fox News since 2010, is leaving the network, saying that it is her decision. Didn’t know Palin had signed a 6 year contract.

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Carl Pavano will be out for six to eight weeks after rupturing spleen shoveling show at home in Vermont. Hearing this the SF Giants breathed a sigh of relief that Jeremy Affeldt lives in Arizona.

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The California Highway Patrol says a naked woman has been arrested after allegedly driving her car into her fiance. How long until we can expect a made-for-tv movie starring Lindsay Lohan?

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Mark Zuckerberg is having a fundraiser at his home for Chris Christie. But given the New Jersey governor’s penchant for controversial statements, how long until Mark changes this relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch “footlong” sandwiches. If these clowns don’t want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they’d better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches.

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Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal yesterday ” We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.” Looks like he’s racing Chris Christie to see who can get thrown out of the GOP first.

 

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman thinks there’s “a chance” Alex Rodriguez could miss the whole season. Which means the third baseman could come as close to leading New York to another World Championship as he did in 2012.

One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic ;) but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  –  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?


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