Posted tagged ‘Red Sox jokes’

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

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The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

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In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

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Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

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At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

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Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

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Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

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Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

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Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

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A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

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Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

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Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

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Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Tarred if not feathered?

April 23, 2014

 

Michael Pineda was ejected today when the umpire found pine tar on his neck. Really? Pine tar to pitch against the hitting-challenged Red Sox? That’s worse than stealing a base with a 7 run lead.

 

Another thought about Pineda. He had to know they were watching him after the alleged pine-tar on the glove earlier this year. And he puts it on his neck?! I don’t know if Jesus wept, but Gaylord Perry certainly did.

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The Chicago Cubs celebrated the 100th anniversary of the first game at Wrigley Field. With a 3-run lead in the 9th, and a 1-run lead with 1 out to go. And they lost, 7-5. Well, at least they honored their legacy appropriately.

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Sammy Sosa was absent from today’s ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field. Supposedly he wasn’t invited. But maybe the Cubs just sent him an invitation in English?

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-From Nick Coombs  “Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright.”-

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Men must have kidnapped #SFGiants and put imposters in their uniforms. But don’t call the police, the imposters can hit. #Byebyebaby

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#SF wins 12-10 on a safety over #Denver today This was a 49ers – Broncos game, right? #SFGiants 

Doctors say the Hawaii teen stowaway was probably saved by hypothermia. So why implode it? We could keep SF’s Candlestick Park as a medical facility.

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RIP Connie Marrero, 102, a former pitcher for the Washington Senators, who was the oldest living former MLB player. And one of the first to play with Jamie Moyer.

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The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes?
(my friend Augie said he should have been reading Dante’s Inferno.)

 

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This tweet yesterday from Donald Trump: “Interesting how President Obama is flying around in a Boeing 747 on so-called Earth Day!” Even more interesting, this tweet from someone who a) doesn’t believe in climate change, and b) has his own personal 757

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From Garry Weiler, reminding us that the Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB  “the Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.”

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Economic Stimulus?

December 4, 2013

About $500 million spent on free agents this offseason in MLB and the Yankees have spent about half of it. 28 teams are aghast. And the Dodgers are thinking “We can top this.”

 

 

Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, What’s next “Back To Work Wednesday?”

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Two security guards at Houston’s Reliant Stadium were fired for having their pictures taken with Tom Brady. Maybe the team should have cut the guys a break, it’s not like any reasonable person would want a picture taken with one of this year’s Texans

 

The best news for t-shirt vendors near Fenway Park tonight. They can print over all the “Johnny Damon traitor/Judas” shirts and substitute “Jacoby Ellsbury.

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Jacoby Ellsbury has signed a 7 year, $153 million contract with the Yankees. This is apparently part of the new NY strategy – “Austerity as long as we are not competing with the Red Sox.”

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A new study shows U.S. students well below average compared to the rest of the world in math, particularly in their ability to apply mathematics to real world situations. No kidding. As at FedEx field Sunday where we saw issues with counting to 10 and even 4.

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Brett Favre is the offensive coordinator for Oak Grove High School in Hattiesburg, MS, and his team is playing in the state championship Friday. The real question, how does Favre make play-calling decisions in time to avoid delay of game penalties?

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Arizona coach Bruce Arians sent 15 plays to the NFL to highlighting “obvious” officiating errors during the Cardinals 24-21 loss to the Eagles. Wonder if the officials sent back a list of 15 or more “obvious” coaching errors.

 

 

The Washington, D.C. tree was formally lit Tuesday night. The way things are going in our nation’s capitol, wonder if President Obama had to threaten a nuclear option to prevent John Boehrner from subjecting the tree to a filibuster.

 

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While he declined to attend, Peyton Manning took the time to sign and return a wedding invitation sent to him by a “lifelong fan.” Nice to see an NFL player making news for signing something other than a citation or bail contract.

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The California GOP is taking some heat for a fake Obamacare website. (coveringhealthcareca.com as opposed to the real coveredca.com) Wonder how long it will take an confused out-of-state Republican to trash the site as not working correctly.

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Delta Airlines bumped 50 passengers at Gainesville Airport when they used their plane to accommodate the University of Florida men’s basketball team, whose charter had a mechanical problem. That’s the basketball team. Had it been the UF football team this year, Delta probably would have put them on a Greyhound bus.

 

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Paul Walker seemed like a really cool guy who did a lot of good with his stardom. And he died way too young. But as far as it being a tragedy? Mechanical or not, racing or not, that car was going really really fast. The real tragedy would have been if they spun out of control and hit another car or innocent bystanders crossing the street… IMHO

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

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Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

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Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

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Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

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Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

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The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

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Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

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The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

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London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

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A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

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Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

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The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

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A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

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Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

Fat lady singing?

October 27, 2013

The way these World Series endings are going,  the fat lady won’t sing, she’ll slip on a banana peel.

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So what will end tomorrow’s World Series game? A wild pitch, a balk, batting out of order?

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So did the #Cardinals and #RedSox sign a secret contract promising at least one brain freeze per #WorldSeries game?

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The theme of this year’s World Series? “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball you hit the ball, sometimes you catch the ball.”

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The NY Jets have had a few weeks without a quarterback circus. Break time is apparently over.

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Just how bad is the NFL Least? The 2-6 NY Giants are only two games out of first.

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So much for another BCS title game between two SEC teams. It’s not even November and the conference only has one undefeated team and two one-loss teams left. Wonder if they’ve asked the NCAA about starting the playoff system a year early.

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Chris Brown was arrested this morning for felony assault. So congratulations to all those who had October 27 in the pool.

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Well, for all those tired of discussing football’s “push” rule ad infinitum, now we can discuss baseball’s obstruction rule ad infinitum….

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A man was arrested yesterday at JFK Airport for checking three illegal weapons plus a loaded rifle in his luggage. On top of a fifth gun that was legal. Wonder if the airline refunded his baggage fee.

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How ugly are the Red Sox playoff beards? Parents of teenagers and college students may be so relieved their children aren’t emulating the players that their reaction to another way of standing out might be “Oh, it’s only a tattoo.”

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Dick Cheney is predicting his daughter Liz will unseat Mike Enzi, the sitting GOP Wyoming senator in next year’s primary. “The fact of the matter is, Washington is not going to elect the next senator from Wyoming, the people of Wyoming will elect the senator.” Interesting choice of words considering Liz Cheney just moved to Jackson Hole from a D.C. suburb last year.

Rule Britannia?

October 24, 2013

The NFL keeps increasing the number of games in London in hopes of basing a team there someday. Might not be as hard to get players to move to England as the league might think – the country would have free healthcare for all their children and baby mamas.

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Apparently after Sam Bradford’s season-ending injury, the St. Louis Rams reached out to… Brett Favre. But the 44-year-old said that he really is retired now. “Couldn’t you have given it one more chance?” said every comedy writer in the country?

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban is complaining that Crimson Tide fans are leaving at halftime. Maybe it would help if the team scheduled opponents who would keep the game competitive after the first quarter.

 

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What’s scarier? That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now 0-7? Or that they probably aren’t the worst NFL team in Florida?

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Former Oregon Ducks TE Colt Lyerla, who left the team Oct 6 for what he said were “personal reason”, was arrested last night for cocaine possession. When he quit, Lyerla said that he “would pursue an NFL career.” Sounds like he’s well on his way to being league ready.

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Cal’s current football player graduation rate last in the conference and last among all BCS schools. Gosh, who’d a thunk the Bears would be the Pac 12 team to beat SEC teams at something?

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Where’s a good tornado when you need one? The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the World Series because Americans “worship the false idol of baseball.” Silly silly hateful bigots. Most Americans do not worship baseball. They worship football.

 

Apparently a breathalyzer test is being developed that will catch stoned drivers, as opposed to those might have just smoked the day before. Of course, it might be cheaper to just hold up a bag of Doritos, and see if the suspect snatches it from the officer’s hand.

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Why do I have a feeling this may be one of the understatements of the year. After Spirit Airlines delayed flights up to 12 hours for engine inspections, an airport spokesman said “there were several dozen people in Terminal 4 overnight. There were no arrests. Some did lose their tempers, but it was all worked out amicably.”

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Hope game 2 of the World Series is more competitive. The way they played last night the St. Louis Cardinals won’t be able plausibly to sell “game-used” gloves.

A STL minor league pitcher accused Boston pitcher Jon Lester of doctoring the ball, and pictures do show something in Lester’s glove, though the Cardinals never complained during the game. But come on, the Red Sox cheating? Just who would they have to think they are? The Patriots?

The average postseason baseball game has gone 3 hrs & 22 min. And fans of #Yankees #Redsox games are thinking, how do they play that fast?

 

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This Carlos Beltran is a pretty tough dude. If he were healthy all the way through 2011, would the SF Giants be sitting on a “three-peat?”

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Just maybe it is not a good idea to throw strikes to David Ortiz with runners on base in this postseason?

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For those who think I only pick on the SEC, Oregon and USC, this gem is from ASU via a friend ‘

“”I don’t know what that word is man. Arizona St. education, bro’. Break that one down for me.” Dustin Pedroia

What’s that? Oh, the word that confused him was “validity”.

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A couple was fined $250 each for having oral sex on a flight from Medford to Las Vegas. No word on how much the airline charged passengers for an entertainment fee.

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From BIll Littlejohn:

Marlins President David Samson predicts that his team will be playing October baseball next year.Boy, those Arizona Winter Leagues are starting earlier and earlier”
 

World not so Serious?

October 23, 2013

If the Boston Red Sox win the World Series will their MVP turn out to be the most famous beard since Katie Holmes?

 

Are the Cardinals trying to vie with the SF 49ers this week in appealing to British fans who normally follow soccer? This might explain the “no hands” defense.

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#SFGiants in the news: Team re-signs Lincecum and Kanye proposes to Kim at A T & T. Wonder which relationship will last longer.

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The World Series is supposed to be the best two teams in baseball playing each other? Tonight looks more like the baseball equivalent of one of those great SEC-cupcake matchups.

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And somewhere scattered across the U.S. Pirates and Dodgers players watched WS game 1, and thought “How the bleep did we lose to these guys?”

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Many Americans profess complete disinterest in the christening of Prince George, because they can’t imagine caring about someone who will only rule due to an accident of birth. They’d much prefer to speculate over whether Jeb Bush might run in 2016 against Hillary Clinton.

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The SF Giants aren’t saying exactly how much Kanye West paid to rent A T and T Park for his proposal. I’m just wondering, how many celebrity proposals and weddings will it take to pay for a power hitting left fielder?

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The NBA owners has decided to change their playoff Finals format from 2-3-2 to 2-2-1-1-1, with an extra day off between Games 6 and 7. Another small step on the way to making the Finals “The Summer Classic.”

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The Cleveland Browns are the latest NFL team to bench their starting QB for poor performance. And several others are barely hanging on. Starting to think maybe God really wants to see the return of Tim Tebow.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Three elementary children were treated for minor injuries sustained during a school safety demonstration in Southern California – the injuries apparently resulted from a panic when a police officer’s gun discharged.

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McDonald’s is rebranding ther “Dollar Menu” to the “Dollar Menu & More” items at $1, $2 and up to $5. Guess the chain is hoping Americans are as good at math as they are at making healthy food choices.

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Oops. A University of Iowa math T.A.meant to email students some math problem answers, but instead accidentally sent nude photos of herself and her boyfriend. Once again prompting millions of men to ask “where were these teachers when I was in college?”

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From Gary M.  “Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park.  One of the few ‘locals’ to score at AT&T this year.

Snow place like home.

February 9, 2013

The New York Knicks, in Minnesota tonight, and the Los Angeles Clippers, in Miami, may not be able to make it to New York in time for their nationally televised game on Sunday. So will David Stern try to fine Mother Nature?

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Meanwhile Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking ‘Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014..”

(suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn’t seem so bad.)

 

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The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling’s claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED’s in 2008 is “completely baseless.” Translation: Nobody put anything in writing.

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Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling’s current relations with the Red Sox.

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Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance.  While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they WOULD be removed from the gene pool before breeding.

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Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell’s “Value Menu.”

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NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman will pay over $1 million a year in alimony and child support to ex-wife. $1 million a year? For that, the Yankees could almost pay a month’s salary to a middling reliever.

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There’s been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry – “thieves don’t want our phones.”.

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You know it’s been a down year when Los Angeles Lakers fans are excited about a comeback against the Charlotte Bobcats.

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Shawn Marion said that if the Dallas Mavericks trade him to a bad team he won’t go. Wouldn’t it be simpler in that case for Marion just to say he had a shoulder injury?

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Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state’s health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that “the only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn’t benefit me personally.”

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A report on the Sandusky case commissioned by the Paterno family will be released Sunday. According to Sue Paterno, the report will defend her late husband, and question both the Freeh report and the NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State. Even Lance Armstrong is thinking “Give it up already.”

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Hal Steinbrenner said today he’s “concerned about A-Rod.” And millions of Yankees fans said “What took you so long?”

 

 

Condoleezza Rice hit a woman in the head with a shot during the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday. Who knew the former Secretary of State had aspirations to be Vice President?

C is for Cuts?

October 4, 2012

President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”

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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.

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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.

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Or  did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”

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From my good friend, Michele Eggars,  who doesn’t share my political views  – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.

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And from Marc Ragovin:   “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”

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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?

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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.

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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.

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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”

 

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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?

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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.

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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”

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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….

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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”

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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”

Debatable.

October 3, 2012

Now that the debate is over we can get back to the issues that America really cares about, like what really happened in that “American Idol” Mariah Carey – Nicki Minaj catfight?

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For many Americans, tonight’s debate was like a Nascar race, they only tuned in to see the potential wrecks.

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In swing states, tonight’s Presidential debate might be the only television show until November that’s not interrupted by political commercials.

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Watching this debate one thing is clear, do we really want an America where people like Jim Lehrer, 78, have to make complicated and tough decisions about their own healthcare?

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Mitt Romney said Wednesday night  –  “I like coal.” But does he love lamp?

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Anyone else but me would have liked to see a debate tonight between Romney 2012 and that guy who was Governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007?

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Okay, message from Mitt Romney to those of us who are 50 something. If you are not healthy you are f*cked.

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For those who wanted to watch the debate but didn’t want to miss a baseball game with postseason implications, would like to thank the Boston Red Sox for doing their best to make this entire week irrelevant.  Don’t let the door hit you in the back, Bobby.

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Forget this Presidential debate stuff….what’s the controversy with AL MVP? Trout for Rookie of the Year no doubt, but when compared to a TRIPLE CROWN winner whose team won their division? Fox and MSNBC should both agree on this one.

 

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The Texas Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad.

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According to a CBS Sports story, the Red Sox will fire manager Bobby Valentine this week. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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American Airlines is advertising a new sale, with the tagline ” Take off to cities across the U.S.” Uh, at this point travelers on American aren’t so worried about the take off, they’re worried about how and where they land.

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Big news today for  baseball fans: Teddy Roosevelt actually won the Presidents Race at Nationals Park today. What? Did they shut the other presidents down early?

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Got to love it, heard some NY Jets fan claiming the team will never score if they switch to Tim Tebow at QB. As opposed to last week?

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The Mets R.A. Dickey now admits he pitched the entire season with a torn abdominal muscle. Wonder how many mediocre pitchers are thinking about going out and tearing their own muscles.

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Last thought for the night:   As the Red Sox stagger into the offseason, have to wonder, what if beer and fried chicken were actually PEDs?

Missed them by that much.

October 1, 2012

Heard Tony Romo threw a tantrum after the Monday Night Football game. The tantrum was picked off by the Bears and returned for a touchdown.

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Who did Romo think he was Monday night?  Brett Favre?

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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB.

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A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday:   President Barack Obama’s  “done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt’s first time on this kind of a stage.”   Does that mean even Ryan couldn’t bear to watch the GOP Primary debates?

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This line noticed by the SF Chronicle’s Debra J. Saunders in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography:  “Maria and I are very different in that way. She grew up in a world where a sharp line was drawn between friends and the help. With me, there is almost no line.”

You can say that again.

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Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the “wtf” nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions.

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Kobe Bryant, 34, said today he got a question earlier about whose team the Lakers are: “I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team”. Wonder if Tiger Woods, 36, would have said it was HIS Ryder Cup team.

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American Airlines says a Boston-to-Miami flight needed to make an emergency landing at JFK airport over the weekend when a row of seats became loose. Standby later this week for the new “seat bolt” fee.

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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is still saying that Mark Sanchez at QB “gives us our best opportunity to win.” If true his comments should be great for ticket sales – for the Knicks.

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The 2013 Oscars ceremony will be hosted by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. By making this choice five months in advance the Academy is giving themselves plenty of time to pre-write those “Sorry you were offended” emails and letters.

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Mitt Romney is hard at work preparing for Wednesday’s debates. His latest challenge, how to blame the U.S. Ryder Cup challenge on Obama.

(Jim Barach says  “Blame it on Furyk’s caddy Fluff for not knowing how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.”)

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The Yankees now have a one-game lead in the NL East,  but the way the new playoff system is set up, if the Baltimore Orioles somehow win the East, the NY Yankees, as a wildcard, could be out of the postseason by Friday. Bud Selig is trying to see how quickly he might be able to change the rules.

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Although tonight it was 9-0 Yankees-Red Sox in the third. Boston isn’t just mailing it in, they’re FedExing it in.

Looks like “we” haven’t made it.

September 15, 2012

 

 

 

Bobby Valentine, on the Red Sox – “This is the weakest roster we’ve ever had in September in the history of baseball.” Yeah, he’s got his team’s back – with a sharp knife in it.

 

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Kentucky has a new $7 million dorm for men’s basketball, with all singles and a private chef, along with flat screen televisions, pool tables and leather recliners. It’s almost enough to make the players wish they were staying more than a year.

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Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein said today that rebuilding the team “won’t happen overnight” and that 2013 may also be tough. Undaunted, die-hard Cubs fans immediately put on t-shirts saying “Wait until the year after next year.”

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Mitt Romney on pop culture: “I’m kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight.” Uh, Mitt does know Snooki’s no longer pregnant?

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Reading the media coverage, I am confused. So is there some football game before Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz meet up again on Sunday?

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Move over Arizona and Florida, we’ve got a new challenger for the crazy crown. In Kansas, the State Objections Board – composed of 3 GOP elected officials –has postponed until Monday a decision on removing President Obama from the state ballot over objections about his birth certificate.

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ESPN’s Andrew Stark says Buster Posey is now the favorite for the NL MVP. Shocking. ESPN knows anyone plays baseball well on the West Coast?!

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All this hubbub over the topless pictures of Kate. It could have been worse – the paper could have published pictures of Camilla.

 

 

David Price got his 18th win of 2012, improving to 7-3 against the Yankees. Unfazed, New York management feels confident that in a new years they will  have Price’s free agency contract ready.

 

 

 

Mitt Romney, about his October 3 upcoming first debate with President Obama:  “I think the challenge that I’ll have in the debate is that the president tends to, how shall I say it, to say things that aren’t true.”

As opposed to what Mitt himself says, which is true until he says something later.

 

 

Small and large steps

August 25, 2012

Upon the death of Neil Armstrong, the U.K Guardian referred to the Apollo 11 moon landing as “the moment of greatness” that “defined the American century.” And looking forward? Well, Snooki is in labor.

 

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Armstrong’s death also reminds me of the quote attributed to Casey Stengel, about the truly awful 1962 New York Mets….that “man would walk on the moon before the Mets would win the pennant.

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The headlines say that Tom Cruise got off cheaply in only paying Katie Holmes 400,000 a month child support. Thinking Katie feels she got off cheap in only having to stay married to him five years.

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Joe Biden has cancelled his campaign visits to Florida due to the imminent arrival of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. Insert “more than enough blowing hot air”” joke here:

An RV bearing the slogan “Who’s Your Daddy” is functioning as a mobile clinic doing DNA paternity tests in New York City. Wonder how long until they get a sponsorship deal with the NBA?

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At this point the extended NFL exhibition season has taken out more players than the Saints’ bounties.

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Roger Clemens, 50, tossed 3 1/3 scoreless innings for the Sugar Land Skeeters tonight, adding fuel to the rumors that he will pitch at some point this season for the Houston Astros. Although actually what Roger probably really wants is to pitch AGAINST the Astros.

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With their  trade with the Red Sox, the Dodgers have added another $261 million in payroll. Any truth to the rumor that Los Angeles’s 2013 uniforms will feature pinstripes?

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The Boston Red Sox are thrilled to have gotten rid of Josh Beckett. Republicans trying to figure out the process to put Todd Akin on waivers.

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Betty White said in an interview with People that her favorite foods are  “hot dogs and Red Vines and potato chips and French fries.  Maybe there’s something about those preservatives.

 

From Marc Ragovin:    Jennifer Garner recently referred to husband Ben Affleck as “walking testosterone.” In a related development, Affleck has announced that he is quitting acting to become the San Francisco Giants’ new left fielder. . . .

 

And an actual serious link below, though it might seem like a joke.  An op-ed from Charlie Crist, the former Republican governor of Florida.  Guess  there’s not any chance he’ll be a surprise speaker at the GOP convention.

 

http://www.tampabay.com/opinion/columns/obama-is-right-leader-for-our-times/1247631

 

Down for the count?

August 25, 2012

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”

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Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.

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Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.

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If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.

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My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”

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Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’  rotation.

 

Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”

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Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
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Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
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Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
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Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?
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Missed it by that much?

August 14, 2012

A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?

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In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.

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Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.

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Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.”  Not to be outdone,  Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”

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Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.

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Okay gentle and not-gentle readers,  let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?

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Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210” episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?

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No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”

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The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?

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Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.

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Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…

(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)

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Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?

L.A. L.A. land

May 11, 2012

The  Los Angeles Lakers have been pushed to a game 7 by the lowly Denver Nuggets.  Maybe they’re just trying to prove that money and talent are nothing without World Peace.

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Much excitement on ESPN etc that Tiger Woods has made the cut this weekend and will at least finish the Players’ Championship. Wow So finishing is now a goal? Woods has gone from Jack Nicklaus to Danica Patrick.

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Corporations are greedy people example of the day: American Airlines charges extra for “preferred” seat assignments. Fair enough. But on a plane where coach goes back to row 32, the “preferred” seats are EVERY aisle and window as far back as row 25.  -

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Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have announced a concert at Fenway Park on Aug. 14. Well, at least Boston fans can look forward to one guaranteed day in 2012 of cheering for big hits.

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NBC is axing Tina Fey’s “30 Rock” after next season, along with “Parks and Recreation” and “Communities.” Guess the network is looking for new and different ways to be last in the ratings.

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A thought about that Time magazine picture of the mom breastfeeding her 4-year old. While it’s a free country, it might be considered a bit creepy if your kid is old enough to text when he/she wants milk.

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Get out the violins – Josh Beckett in response to criticism of his playing golf on an off-day and then being too sore to pitch: ”We get 18 off days a year, I think we deserve a little bit of time to ourselves.” Well, at least looks like Beckett and the rest of the Red Sox will have another October off.-

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If Beckett makes any more stupid comments,  following the whole beer-fried chicken debacle in 2011, we may see a study checking pitchers for concussions.

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“Angry Birds” has now been downloaded a billion times. Which means a lot more people have used their phones to play the game than actually to call and talk to someone.

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Another thought about Scott Thompson, the Yahoo CEO who blames his phony degree on his resume on some hiring firm: Ever notice how when there are resume “mistakes” they never make the person look less educated or as if he or she went to a lesser school?

 

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Ah commas, another whacky liberal invention. This typo on Mitt Romney’s website about Gun Rights: “As president, Mitt will work to expand and enhance access and opportunities for Americans to hunt, shoot, and protect their families,  homes and property.”

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Many conservatives are saying that President Obama’s statement on gay marriage was politically motivated. Wonder what their explanation is about Mitt Romney speaking at Liberty, a Christian university with a Theology course on “The history, doctrines, and present state of the major cults such as Mormonism, Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventism.”

 

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From Marc Ragovin:  “Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog from “Bronco” to “Bronx,” even though the Jets play in the Jersey Meadowlands. Good to see the cross country move hasn’t affected his accuracy.”

We Hoped, we got Change….

May 9, 2012

Some folks can’t decide if they are madder at President Obama today because he said he now supports gay marriage, or because he said he came to the idea through evolution.

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Just wondering.  How come conservatives who are anti-gay marriage love to quote the Bible on homosexuality, but somehow forget all the verses on incest and polygamy etc?

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“I am more convinced than ever before that as we seek to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens, I will provide more effective leadership than my opponent.” A quote in response to Obama’s statement today? No, a 1994 statement from Mitt Romney while running against Ted Kennedy.

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Since marriages are in the headlines today, anyone else thinking that these NBA playoffs are going to last longer than Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’s marriage?

Amazing listening to all the conservatives criticizing President Obama’s statement that he now supports gay marriage. Where was this bashing when the same position was stated by Dick Cheney?

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Sheryl Crow forgot the lyrics to “Soak Up the Sun” during a Florida concert, and laughed it off with “I’m 50 what can I say! My brain has gone to s-.” Well, if true this ought to be entertaining when Aerosmith tours this summer….

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A Boston radio station is reporting that two days before he missed a start because of muscle stiffness, Red Sox starter Josh Beckett was playing golf. Hmm, maybe he’d have been better off sticking to recreational fried chicken and beer.

Patricia Krentcil, the “tanorexic” mom, has apparently been banned from several New Jersey tanning salons. So when can we expect John Boehner to stand up for the rights of orange people?

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Michelle Bachmann has used her husband Marcus’s heritage to claim dual Swiss citizenship. And Switzerland is saying “Wait a minute, I thought we and the U.S. had a mutual non-aggression pact.”

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Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle, the one he was riding at midnight with his mistress, is for sale.. Value of the 2007 Harley Davidson, approx $16,000. Repair cost: $18.000. Cost of the ride to Petrino’s reputation: Priceless.-

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The NY Times is reporting that NCAA is already investigating Nerlens Noel, a top high school basketball recruit who has committed to play for John Calipari’s Kentucky Wildcats. Hmm, if they find something could that make Noel a “none and done?”

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says he needs more time and has asked for another delay in the former Penn State asst. coach’s sexual abuse trial. Presumably until say, 2035?

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Richard Lugar on Tea Party activist Richard Mourdock, who defeated him in the primary. “His embrace of an unrelenting partisan mindset is irreconcilable with my philosophy of governance.” And Mourdock’s supporters probably respond with “There Lugar goes again, with all those fancy foreign words.”

So many closers injured,  so many ineffective.   This is really tough for the Yankees.  They haven’t yet figured who they want to buy to replace Mariano Riviera.

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Oft-injured Josh Hamilton led a group of Texas Rangers in an impromptu “Slip and Slide” game today on the tarp before a rain out at Baltimore Camden Yards. Rangers management cannot have been amused. . But “Boys will be boys” responded AL pitchers.

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From Gary M. “How about Josh Hamilton’s line last night at Baltimore: 5 hits, 4 home runs, 8 rbi, 4 runs scored, 18 total bases. Or, as the Mariners would call it: April.”

 

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Fenway Fiasco

April 22, 2012

Who knew – on the 100th anniversary weekend of Fenway Park, Boston Red Sox relievers would throw a “Put It On a Tee” Party.

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Or maybe they were commemorating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

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For those who didn’t hear, the Red Sox on Saturday had a 9-0 lead, and the bullpen blew it in less than two innings.

Wonder if manager Bobby Valentine put out an emergency order for a keg?

And anyone watching Sunday night’s “ESPN Game of the Week” will have fun watching Terry Francona try to keep that smirk off his face.

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A new unauthorized biography of Simon Cowell reveals, amongst other things, that the former American Idol judge has had Botox injections. Really, next thing they’ll be trying to tell us is that Cowell is a bit conceited.

(my sister’s comment, you have to admit his breasts look pretty good for a 51 year old.)

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The latest news on the Secret Service Scandal is that Colombian authorities are investigating whether some of the prostitutes involved were underage. Forget morals, looks like some of these guys are too stupid to be in the Secret Service.

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President Obama has now apparently been briefed on the Secret Service scandal. Bill Clinton has offered to help lead the investigation.

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Nebraska CB Alfonzo Dennard, expected to be a 2nd-3rd round NFL pick, was involved in a bar fight and arrested for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. Police say it took four officers to take him into custody. Four officers? Maybe some team should draft him as a kick returner.

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Chuck Colson, Nixon’s “evil genius,” who went to prison for his role in the Watergate conspiracy, has died. In 2000, Gov. Jeb Bush restored Colson’s civil rights so he could vote, sit on a jury, run for office and practice law. And called him “a great guy … a great Floridian.” Just imagine the GOP and/or Fox News if a similar sort of pardon had come from Obama.

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Trivia for the day: Phil Humber, who just pitched a perfect game for the White Sox, was the winning pitcher for Rice against Stanford in the 2003 College World Series title game.

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Still looking for “How old is Jamie Moyer?” jokes…. will post on Monday.

Quick, duck behind a pearly gate?

April 8, 2012

Nervous times in heaven today, as they hear the words “Mike Wallace is here to see you.”

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A number of tributes to Mike Wallace, after he died today at the age of 93. Including one from Larry King, saying that he was “a dear & wonderful friend.” And no doubt King added privately ‘And so sad, to die so young.”

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The MS Balmoral cruise ship left Southampton April 8, 100 years after the RMS Titanic, with an announced plan to retrace the original route of the doomed ship. Well, one hopes not the EXACT route.

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On the Balmoral and other Titanic themed cruises, they will recreate menus from the original ship. Presumably women will be encouraged not to skip dessert.

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If anyone heard that the pitching-rich but offense-poor San Francisco Giants had scored 4, 4 and 6 runs in three games this weekend against the Arizona D’backs, the logical conclusion would have been that they won about two out of three at least…..

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So the SF Giants’ hopes of not starting 0 and 4 rest on the left arm of… Barry Zito?!!

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Yikes, Red Sox going to end up putting a keg in the bullpen after today. How do you blow a three run lead in the ninth and a two run lead in the eleventh, in the same game?

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The Mets are 3-0 and the Yankees are 0-3. And today in Hell, the ice skating is great.
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Tampa Bay Rays payroll at $64 million is about $4 million less than the New York Yankees are paying Texeira, A-Rod, and Jeter. Just sayin’.

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With Cain and Zito, the San Francisco Giants have the best paid #3 and #4 pitchers in baseball.

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Newt Gingrich said his campaign is “a little less” than $4.5 million in debt. And this is a man who is criticizing President Obama’s spending?

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Masters galleries were so white I almost expected to see a GOP debate break out.

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Say what you will about Tim Tebow’s sermon this morning. At least it’s nice seeing an NFL player make offseason headlines for something not involving a police press conference.

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And finally, Happy Easter Monday. In some countries it’s a major holiday. In the U.S.A. it’s mostly known as “Happy Half Priced Chocolate Bunny Day.”


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