Posted tagged ‘Red Sox jokes’

The more things change….

February 25, 2015

The Cleveland Browns have announced a new tweaked helmet with a brighter orange color, and will unveil a new uniform this spring. Unfortunately for Browns fans, the uniforms will still have the same players in them.

Hank Aaron says he is rooting for A-Rod to have a “great year.” Well, getting paid $22 million for sitting in the dugout sounds like a pretty great year to most people.

The “Dancing with the Stars” list for this season is out. Increasingly watching the show is like watching actual stars in the sky. Most of us can’t name any of them either..

Idaho State Rep. Vito Barbieri asked in a committee hearing if, before an abortion, women could swallow a small camera so that doctors could conduct a gynecological exam remotely. So all doctors should now know never to prescribe Barbieri a suppository. Because this man couldn’t find where to put it with two hands and a hunting dog.

David Ortiz, on his first day of Spring Training “Thank God my belly hasn’t grown like Panda.” Is it too soon to start the “Inflategate” jokes?

Nebraska men’s basketball coach Tim Miles got so upset about his team’s performance that he locked the players out of their own locker room. Hmm, in drought-stricken California this could be a great way to save on water for the Lakers.

 

Baltimore GM Ozzie Newsome said the Ray Rice scandal will affect this year’s draft: “Someone who has domestic abuse in their background, it’s going to be tough for them to be considered a Raven.” Okay, so before the elevator video someone with domestic abuse in their background would have been an easy choice for the Ravens?

Outside the White House today, Bobby Jindal declared that President Obama was “unfit to be commander in chief.” Curiously enough, the last poll taken in Louisiana showed Jindal with a 34% approval rating, basically saying residents think HE’s unfit to be Governor.

More Jindal. He gave his little “Obama is unfit to be commander in chief” speech today in Washington, D.C. outside, in 20 degree weather, wearing only a suit. Uh, whatever you say about our President, he’s smart to know when to put a coat on.

Deep breaths everyone. Headline in Britain’s Daily Mail “Terror fears over sophisticated mystery tunnel found yards from Toronto stadium that hosts Canada’s biggest sporting events.” And the tunnel is elaborate. But amongst things found inside…. a rosary.

 

“Islam is a vibrant faith. Millions of our fellow citizens are Muslim. We respect the faith. We honor its traditions. Our enemy does not. Our enemy doesn’t follow the great traditions of Islam. They’ve hijacked a great religion.” George W. Bush, October, 2002. ‪#‎nocomment‬

 

Something new, something old.

February 20, 2015

So let me get this straight, the same Americans who are so into novelty that they can’t exist without the absolutely newest iPhones are thinking of choosing a new President between Clinton and Bush?

A government panel says drinking three to FIVE cups of coffee a day will help prevent heart disease, liver cancer, Parkinson and type 2 diabetes. Of course, there may be a heightened risk of injury from bouncing off of walls.

 

Jack Nicklaus on Tiger Woods, “I think he’s struggling more between his ears than he is anyplace else.” Oddly enough, Woods seemed to start going downhill when he started focusing more between his ears than between his legs.

Rudy Giuliani, not backing down, now says ““You know, President Obama didn’t live through September 11, I did.” Shocking. Mostly shocking that Rudy didn’t somehow use 9-11 in his original “Obama doesn’t love America” statement.

 

More from  Giuliani. ““What I don’t find with Obama is a really deep knowledge of history. I think it’s a dilettante’s knowledge of history.” So has anyone asked Rudy what he thinks of, for starters, Oklahoma Republicans trying to ban AP US History classes in schools?

Another reason why good manners are important. Karma can be one mean impressive b*tch sometimes. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/Commuter-swears-man-way-interv…

MLB and the players unions have agreed to changes to speed up the game – enforcement of the rule that players keep one foot in the batter’s box, and stadium clocks for pitching changes and inning breaks. So who knows, maybe this year they can get an average Red Sox-Yankees game down to four hours.

Pablo Sandoval dismissed criticism over his weight in a Spanish interview with ESPNDeportes, saying “Let them talk… It will never change me or the player I am.” Actually with this winter in Boston Panda could have just said he was storing up fat for hibernation.

A bipartisan group in Congress is working on legislation to require Amtrak to allow small pets (under 20 pounds) on train trips of less than 750 miles. Let’s hope they’re specific. Cats and dogs make sense. But not sure we want “motherf***ing snakes on motherf***ing trains.”

 

No deaths or injuries thankfully from a major fire at a luxury skyscraper in Dubai. But maybe it’s tempting fate a bit much to name a building “The Torch.”

 

Pete Carroll said he’ll miss competing against Jim Harbaugh now that Harbaugh’s returned to the college game. Well a few more calls like the end of the Super Bowl and Pete might be back with Jim.

Going, going, gone,

November 25, 2014

A New Hampshire woman was arrested and briefly jailed when she slapped her boyfriend during a fight over a game of Monopoly. Bet she didn’t even get to collect her $200 either.

RB Justin Forsett, released in March by the Jaguars and signed in April by the Ravens as a precautionary backup for Ray Rice, tonight ran for 182 yards. Forsett thanked God. Probably would have been tacky to have thanked whoever installed that casino elevator video camera.

 

Monica Lewinsky complains that having an affair with Bill Clinton 19 years ago and the resulting scandal has made her unemployable. Really? Maybe for a few years, but Donna Rice moved on to a very successful career. Even Michael Vick has a job…. America loves second acts..

(my friend Tom Dodd says ” I would have thought that she demonstrated that she had a marketable skill.”)

Maybe ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬  decided to sign with ‪#‎Boston‬ because he wanted to play on national television every week instead of just during the postseason. ‪#‎RedSoxYankees‬ ‪#‎ESPN‬

Boston now has Big Papi and Pablo Sandoval on their team. Does this give the Red Sox the first dugout that will register on the Richter scale?

 

Not that most Giants fans would trade this year’s World Series to keep one player.  But my friend Alex P. makes a good point. “Alternate reality: Let’s say the Giants lost the Wildcard game to the Pirates.” (or for that matter the Brewers didn’t collapse down the stretch and give SF the second wild card.  Then “what contract would Sandoval get?”

 

Guessing this year the SF Giants Dugout Stores will be shipping children in Africa a lot of Panda hats?

John McCain wants Lindsey Graham to run for President. Democrats are thrilled. Republicans want Senator McCain checked for other signs of dementia.

Budweiser has apparently dropped the Clydesdales from their holiday advertising for new campaign aimed at 21-27 year-olds who have been drinking craft beers. Uh, have news for them, if Bud wants millennials, forget spending money on ads, spend it on improving the beer.

Chuck Hagel has resigned as Secretary of Defense. The GOP is eagerly awaiting President Obama’s pick for a replacement so they can say why he/she is the worst possible choice.

QB Johnny Manziel was reportedly at the center of a 20-person brawl in Cleveland last Friday. Belated congrats to all those who had Nov. 20 in the most recent pool.

 

 

Sports anchor Mike Lynch tweeted that he heard the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ matched the ‪#‎RedSox‬ offer for Sandoval but that Pablo left because he felt “disrepected.” Well, then it’s a good thing the Panda is going to such a gentle, warm and fuzzy market as Boston.

Sad to watch the rioting in Ferguson. But okay, if you WANTED to create a riot, could you do any more than say 10 hours in advance that a verdict had been reached, a verdict that many people expected to be a non-indictment, and then wait until several hours into the evening actually to announce it

Say my name?

July 31, 2014

Assume Fenway Park  just got shipment of “Hi, My Name Is…” stickers for #RedSox clubhouse.

Two older men armed with a semi-automatic & a handgun held up a Chicago pharmacy for Viagra. Movie to be titled “Die Hard, the Final Sequel.

 

 

Bad news for the #SFGIants. No trades. Good news for the #SFGiants. The #Dodgers didn’t get Price.

 

Some strong teams got stronger today. Although before we engrave the trophies, remembering that maybe the best team I ever saw regularly was the 1993 #SFGiants.

The Oakland A’s traded #Cespedes to the #Redsox for Jon Lester.  Might  be time for Boston to reinforce the Green Monster.

 

Since #Cespedes is now a member of the #Redsox ESPN announcers will have to learn to pronounce his name for all those #Yankees games.

From Marc Ragovin;  “Dan Uggla made three errors in only four games with the Giants? “Amateur,” said the NY Mets’ Daniel Murphy.”

 

Israel and Gaza have accepted a 72-hour ceasefire. Okay, so it’s not much. But it’s longer than several celebrity marriages.

 

 

House Republicans cancelled a vote on their OWN immigration bill because they couldn’t agree among themselves about it Waiting to see how they blame this on Obama.

 

The House couldn’t get it together to vote on their own immigration bill but they found time for a resolution allowing Boehner to sue Obama. #priorities.

Whole Foods stock fell about 2% after the store reported lower than expected earnings. Guessing those expensive grocery prices from yesterday will look like bargains tomorrow.

Congress has headed off for a five-week summer “recess.” I’m confused, isn’t recess what you get at school as a break from actually learning something?

From T.C.  “86 year old Dodgers announcer Vin Scully has signed on for another year; his 66th.  Vinny doesn’t travel with the team for the East Coast trips anymore. The team is afraid he may have a senior moment and start looking for Ebbets Field.”

Ray Rice had an apologetic press conference today, using terms like ‘inexcusable” “biggest mistake of my life,” and talked about how he knew his 2 year old daughter would read about it some day. No idea if he really is contrite and if the domestic violence will be a “one-time incident,” but Rice does seem to be handling it better than the NFL, the Ravens and Stephen A. Smith.

And regarding the Ray Rice situation. It’s not about what he said, and yes, he said all the right things and maybe he gets it. And yes, maybe he and his now-wife were both drunk. Not the point. And PC is not the point. The point is that his light NFL suspension, and Stephen A Smith’s comments, send a message. A message of mitigating circumstances. And “mitigating circumstances” is NEVER the message you want to send women and potential abusers.

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

 

The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

 

Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Tarred if not feathered?

April 23, 2014

 

Michael Pineda was ejected today when the umpire found pine tar on his neck. Really? Pine tar to pitch against the hitting-challenged Red Sox? That’s worse than stealing a base with a 7 run lead.

 

Another thought about Pineda. He had to know they were watching him after the alleged pine-tar on the glove earlier this year. And he puts it on his neck?! I don’t know if Jesus wept, but Gaylord Perry certainly did.

The Chicago Cubs celebrated the 100th anniversary of the first game at Wrigley Field. With a 3-run lead in the 9th, and a 1-run lead with 1 out to go. And they lost, 7-5. Well, at least they honored their legacy appropriately.

Sammy Sosa was absent from today’s ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field. Supposedly he wasn’t invited. But maybe the Cubs just sent him an invitation in English?

-From Nick Coombs  “Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright.”-

Men must have kidnapped #SFGiants and put imposters in their uniforms. But don’t call the police, the imposters can hit. #Byebyebaby

#SF wins 12-10 on a safety over #Denver today This was a 49ers – Broncos game, right? #SFGiants 

Doctors say the Hawaii teen stowaway was probably saved by hypothermia. So why implode it? We could keep SF’s Candlestick Park as a medical facility.

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RIP Connie Marrero, 102, a former pitcher for the Washington Senators, who was the oldest living former MLB player. And one of the first to play with Jamie Moyer.

The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes?
(my friend Augie said he should have been reading Dante’s Inferno.)

 

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This tweet yesterday from Donald Trump: “Interesting how President Obama is flying around in a Boeing 747 on so-called Earth Day!” Even more interesting, this tweet from someone who a) doesn’t believe in climate change, and b) has his own personal 757

From Garry Weiler, reminding us that the Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB  “the Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.”

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