Posted tagged ‘Red Sox jokes’

Say my name?

July 31, 2014

Assume Fenway Park  just got shipment of “Hi, My Name Is…” stickers for #RedSox clubhouse.

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Two older men armed with a semi-automatic & a handgun held up a Chicago pharmacy for Viagra. Movie to be titled “Die Hard, the Final Sequel.

 

 

Bad news for the #SFGIants. No trades. Good news for the #SFGiants. The #Dodgers didn’t get Price.

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Some strong teams got stronger today. Although before we engrave the trophies, remembering that maybe the best team I ever saw regularly was the 1993 #SFGiants.

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The Oakland A’s traded #Cespedes to the #Redsox for Jon Lester.  Might  be time for Boston to reinforce the Green Monster.

 

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Since #Cespedes is now a member of the #Redsox ESPN announcers will have to learn to pronounce his name for all those #Yankees games.

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From Marc Ragovin;  “Dan Uggla made three errors in only four games with the Giants? “Amateur,” said the NY Mets’ Daniel Murphy.”

 

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Israel and Gaza have accepted a 72-hour ceasefire. Okay, so it’s not much. But it’s longer than several celebrity marriages.

 

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House Republicans cancelled a vote on their OWN immigration bill because they couldn’t agree among themselves about it Waiting to see how they blame this on Obama.

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The House couldn’t get it together to vote on their own immigration bill but they found time for a resolution allowing Boehner to sue Obama. #priorities.

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Whole Foods stock fell about 2% after the store reported lower than expected earnings. Guessing those expensive grocery prices from yesterday will look like bargains tomorrow.

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Congress has headed off for a five-week summer “recess.” I’m confused, isn’t recess what you get at school as a break from actually learning something?

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From T.C.  “86 year old Dodgers announcer Vin Scully has signed on for another year; his 66th.  Vinny doesn’t travel with the team for the East Coast trips anymore. The team is afraid he may have a senior moment and start looking for Ebbets Field.”

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Ray Rice had an apologetic press conference today, using terms like ‘inexcusable” “biggest mistake of my life,” and talked about how he knew his 2 year old daughter would read about it some day. No idea if he really is contrite and if the domestic violence will be a “one-time incident,” but Rice does seem to be handling it better than the NFL, the Ravens and Stephen A. Smith.

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And regarding the Ray Rice situation. It’s not about what he said, and yes, he said all the right things and maybe he gets it. And yes, maybe he and his now-wife were both drunk. Not the point. And PC is not the point. The point is that his light NFL suspension, and Stephen A Smith’s comments, send a message. A message of mitigating circumstances. And “mitigating circumstances” is NEVER the message you want to send women and potential abusers.

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

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The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

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In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

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Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

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At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

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Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

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Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

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Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

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Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

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A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

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Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

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Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

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Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Tarred if not feathered?

April 23, 2014

 

Michael Pineda was ejected today when the umpire found pine tar on his neck. Really? Pine tar to pitch against the hitting-challenged Red Sox? That’s worse than stealing a base with a 7 run lead.

 

Another thought about Pineda. He had to know they were watching him after the alleged pine-tar on the glove earlier this year. And he puts it on his neck?! I don’t know if Jesus wept, but Gaylord Perry certainly did.

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The Chicago Cubs celebrated the 100th anniversary of the first game at Wrigley Field. With a 3-run lead in the 9th, and a 1-run lead with 1 out to go. And they lost, 7-5. Well, at least they honored their legacy appropriately.

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Sammy Sosa was absent from today’s ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field. Supposedly he wasn’t invited. But maybe the Cubs just sent him an invitation in English?

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-From Nick Coombs  “Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright.”-

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Men must have kidnapped #SFGiants and put imposters in their uniforms. But don’t call the police, the imposters can hit. #Byebyebaby

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#SF wins 12-10 on a safety over #Denver today This was a 49ers – Broncos game, right? #SFGiants 

Doctors say the Hawaii teen stowaway was probably saved by hypothermia. So why implode it? We could keep SF’s Candlestick Park as a medical facility.

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RIP Connie Marrero, 102, a former pitcher for the Washington Senators, who was the oldest living former MLB player. And one of the first to play with Jamie Moyer.

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The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes?
(my friend Augie said he should have been reading Dante’s Inferno.)

 

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This tweet yesterday from Donald Trump: “Interesting how President Obama is flying around in a Boeing 747 on so-called Earth Day!” Even more interesting, this tweet from someone who a) doesn’t believe in climate change, and b) has his own personal 757

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From Garry Weiler, reminding us that the Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB  “the Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.”

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Economic Stimulus?

December 4, 2013

About $500 million spent on free agents this offseason in MLB and the Yankees have spent about half of it. 28 teams are aghast. And the Dodgers are thinking “We can top this.”

 

 

Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, What’s next “Back To Work Wednesday?”

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Two security guards at Houston’s Reliant Stadium were fired for having their pictures taken with Tom Brady. Maybe the team should have cut the guys a break, it’s not like any reasonable person would want a picture taken with one of this year’s Texans

 

The best news for t-shirt vendors near Fenway Park tonight. They can print over all the “Johnny Damon traitor/Judas” shirts and substitute “Jacoby Ellsbury.

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Jacoby Ellsbury has signed a 7 year, $153 million contract with the Yankees. This is apparently part of the new NY strategy – “Austerity as long as we are not competing with the Red Sox.”

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A new study shows U.S. students well below average compared to the rest of the world in math, particularly in their ability to apply mathematics to real world situations. No kidding. As at FedEx field Sunday where we saw issues with counting to 10 and even 4.

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Brett Favre is the offensive coordinator for Oak Grove High School in Hattiesburg, MS, and his team is playing in the state championship Friday. The real question, how does Favre make play-calling decisions in time to avoid delay of game penalties?

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Arizona coach Bruce Arians sent 15 plays to the NFL to highlighting “obvious” officiating errors during the Cardinals 24-21 loss to the Eagles. Wonder if the officials sent back a list of 15 or more “obvious” coaching errors.

 

 

The Washington, D.C. tree was formally lit Tuesday night. The way things are going in our nation’s capitol, wonder if President Obama had to threaten a nuclear option to prevent John Boehrner from subjecting the tree to a filibuster.

 

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While he declined to attend, Peyton Manning took the time to sign and return a wedding invitation sent to him by a “lifelong fan.” Nice to see an NFL player making news for signing something other than a citation or bail contract.

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The California GOP is taking some heat for a fake Obamacare website. (coveringhealthcareca.com as opposed to the real coveredca.com) Wonder how long it will take an confused out-of-state Republican to trash the site as not working correctly.

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Delta Airlines bumped 50 passengers at Gainesville Airport when they used their plane to accommodate the University of Florida men’s basketball team, whose charter had a mechanical problem. That’s the basketball team. Had it been the UF football team this year, Delta probably would have put them on a Greyhound bus.

 

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Paul Walker seemed like a really cool guy who did a lot of good with his stardom. And he died way too young. But as far as it being a tragedy? Mechanical or not, racing or not, that car was going really really fast. The real tragedy would have been if they spun out of control and hit another car or innocent bystanders crossing the street… IMHO

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

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Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

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Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

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Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

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Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

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The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

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Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

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The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

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London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

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A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

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Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

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The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

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A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

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Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

Fat lady singing?

October 27, 2013

The way these World Series endings are going,  the fat lady won’t sing, she’ll slip on a banana peel.

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So what will end tomorrow’s World Series game? A wild pitch, a balk, batting out of order?

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So did the #Cardinals and #RedSox sign a secret contract promising at least one brain freeze per #WorldSeries game?

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The theme of this year’s World Series? “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball you hit the ball, sometimes you catch the ball.”

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The NY Jets have had a few weeks without a quarterback circus. Break time is apparently over.

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Just how bad is the NFL Least? The 2-6 NY Giants are only two games out of first.

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So much for another BCS title game between two SEC teams. It’s not even November and the conference only has one undefeated team and two one-loss teams left. Wonder if they’ve asked the NCAA about starting the playoff system a year early.

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Chris Brown was arrested this morning for felony assault. So congratulations to all those who had October 27 in the pool.

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Well, for all those tired of discussing football’s “push” rule ad infinitum, now we can discuss baseball’s obstruction rule ad infinitum….

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A man was arrested yesterday at JFK Airport for checking three illegal weapons plus a loaded rifle in his luggage. On top of a fifth gun that was legal. Wonder if the airline refunded his baggage fee.

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How ugly are the Red Sox playoff beards? Parents of teenagers and college students may be so relieved their children aren’t emulating the players that their reaction to another way of standing out might be “Oh, it’s only a tattoo.”

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Dick Cheney is predicting his daughter Liz will unseat Mike Enzi, the sitting GOP Wyoming senator in next year’s primary. “The fact of the matter is, Washington is not going to elect the next senator from Wyoming, the people of Wyoming will elect the senator.” Interesting choice of words considering Liz Cheney just moved to Jackson Hole from a D.C. suburb last year.


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