Posted tagged ‘Red Sox jokes’

Stupid is as stupid does….. and you can’t fix it.

August 10, 2015

You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up. Now Michigan State Rep. Todd Courser, who allegedly tried to cover up an affair by sending a fake email accusing himself of paying a male prostitute, is saying he will not resign. Courser says he will stay on to expose “political shenanigans” in the Capitol, that he only sent the email because he was being blackmailed, and that the Lansing “mafia” establishment is out to get him.

This guy is delusional enough you have to wonder if his next step is to declare for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination.

A man who was arrested 2 weeks ago for joy-riding on a jail lawn was arrested again today, for doing the same thing, on the same lawn. Do I even have to write that this is a Florida story? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Meanwhile, a reporter asked Andrew Luck who his fastest teammate was, and the Colts QB responded “That’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is.”   These Stanford kids aren’t stupid.

Leaving aside issues like actually running the country, anyone but me think you could make serious pay-per-view money on a Bernie Sanders-Donald Trump debate?

The younger generation may not understand all the tributes pouring in for Frank Gifford, who started with Howard Cosell and Don Meredith on Monday Night Football in 1971. Mostly because these days it’s hard to imagine only one night a week for NFL football.

Yellowstone rangers have captured a bear that allegedly killed a hiker Friday. They will do DNA tests, and if they get positive identification, “she will be euthanized because of the facts that she was feeding on the person.”

Makes some sense as a predatory bear is dangerous, but, hey, unlike some human hunters at least she was actually eating what she killed.

The Red Sox have announced that closer Koji Uehara has fractured his wrist and will miss the rest of the season. Well, not like Boston was giving him many games to close anyway.

Okay, Donald Trump is an ass, and insults women. Got it. Meanwhile other GOP candidates, yes, I am talking about you Scott Walker and Marco Rubio, won’t even declare they would allow abortions to save the life of the mother. ‪#‎priorities‬?

Oops, Disney Japan attempted to send out a “Merry Unbirthday” tweet from Alice in Wonderland, and managed to translate it as “Congratulations on your not special day.” This on the anniversary of the atom bomb being dropped on Nagasaki.

Sounds like a Mickey Mouse translating operation.

#Cantfixstupid, California division.

The SF Chronicle reported San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi’s driver’s license has been suspended since February after he didn’t notify the DMV about a non-injury car accident he was involved in last October. And the newspaper says as of today, he “Mirkarami still had neither filed the required accident report nor provided proof of insurance as required under law, state records show. He had also not paid the $55 fee to regain his full driving privileges, the records show.”

And why should he know the laws? He’s only the sheriff.

Up for debate

August 6, 2015

For television viewers, Wednesday night on NBC was “America’s Got Talent.” Thursday night the debate on Fox was the rebuttal.

The Fox News GOP debate was at Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cleveland Cavaliers.  And much of it was as painful to watch as Lebron’s “The Decision.”

To be fair, Donald Trump says he wanted the GOP debate tonight to be on a “high level.” As in you needed to be high to watch it?

Carly Fiorina, at the “kid’s table” debate. “. “[T]he potential of this nation and too many Americans is being crushed by the weight, the power, the cost, the complexity, the ineptitude, the corruption of the federal government.” And if elected I promise to do for America what I did for Hewlett Packard…. Oh wait, never mind.

A few of the exchanges between, for example, Chris Christie‬ and Rand #‎Paul‬ made me almost sorry that this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ was probably a gun-free zone.

Wonder how many GOP voters watched the debate and were wishing they could vote for ‪#‎MegynKelly‬.

#‎Trump‬ invokes ‪#‎RonaldReagan‬. Is ‪#‎Reagan‬ rolling over in grave or laughing becuz he knows he was much less conservative than his disciples

Scott Walker talking about unborn children needing to be protected. And of course the Wisconsin governor has fought his own party over cutting $238,000 million for child advocacy centers. Oh wait, the GOP over-ruled him, they REINSTATED money Walker wanted to cut. ‪#‎nevermind‬

Mike Huckabee “The purpose of the military is kill people and break things.” Somewhere Teddy Roosevelt IS rolling over in his grave. ‪#‎speaksoftlykillpeopleandbreakthings‬? ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Boston mayor Martin J. Walsh wants to ban chewing tobacco from all ballparks in the city, amateur and professional. Well, with this year’s Red Sox team Walsh doesn’t need to add that “professional” part.

Two men were arrested at an Iowa Taco Bell and charged with allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in the restaurant. Stand by for the AMC sequel “Breaking Wind.”

President Obama today warned it’s either the Iran deal, or “some sort of war.” And many Republicans responded “You say ‘war” like it’s a bad thing.”

Arby’s ran ads on the penultimate “Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” despite all the knocks the comedian has given them over the years. Well, makes a certain about of sense, with Stewart everyone knew Arby’s was still in business.

A Regent Seven Seas 128 day around-the-world cruise, costing more than $100,000 a couple, had 70% percent of the cabins booked on the first day of sales. The company president stated this was a testament to their belief that “guests … want unique, different, and rich destination experiences.” Well, “rich” for sure.

Now it’s come out that Russians apparently hacked some Pentagon emails. Hillary Clinton might be looking smarter and smarter with that private server.

No lyin -Great thought from Paul Chessin, brother of my FB friend Steve: “So, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service wants to talk to Dr. Walter Palmer but can’t find him because he’s “hiding”? Maybe they should get a trophy game animal, put it in a car, and, you know, lure him out.”

Bounce back.

August 2, 2015
San Francisco has put a substance on some walls that not only is urine-resistant, it shoots the liquid right back where it came from. Shame there isn’t some equivalent substance that would work on arrows with lions.
Mixed stories today, though possible good news in the end? Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. But Jericho the lion may still be alive.
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has been indicted on multiple felony charges, following upon Gov. Rick Perry’s own indictment in 2014. If this keeps up, Illinois and Louisiana are going to be jealous.
Do I get points for gender equality if I am equally indifferent to MMA even if a woman like Ronda Rousey is involved?
Boston Red Sox president and Larry Lucchino, whose contract was going to expire at the end of the year, is leaving the team. And season ticket holders are thinking “no fair, how come he gets to leave and we don’t?”
Great that the Royals and Astros have been playing well enough to be buyers at the trade deadline. And not like most Americans knew any names on the teams anyway.
Business Insider is reporting that Donald Trump has fired a senior adviser who published “many racist and otherwise offensive Facebook posts”  So did the Donald fire the guy because he thought the posts were wrong, or because Trump didn’t like the competition.
SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy used Angel Pagan as the DH and wouldn’t let Madison Bumgarner hit Friday night in Texas. Maybe that’s why Madbum had an off-night?
Meanwhile, on Saturday night, Giants pulled out a 9-7 win and made perhaps a few teams happy they didn’t give away the store to trade for Cole Hamels.

In Ontario, Canada Saturday there was a “Bare With Us” rally about women’s right to go topless. And in the U.S. millions of men who might not be in favor of universal healthcare or gun control are thinking, maybe those Canadians are onto something.

So, okay, I get the need for some hunting to “cull the herds” and I get eating what you kill, even I want no part of it personally.

But when these folks brag about their great kills – uh, let’s see, you have a gun, the animals have nothing. Not exactly a fair fight. ‪#‎compensation‬?

From Marc Ragovin “I beg your pardon. Did you just say Lynn Anderson died? (just another reason why I am going straight to hell)”

Well, you got to figure her funeral will be enough roses for a serious garden.

Tommy don’t lose that number?

July 28, 2015

So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. ‪#‎TomBrady‬

But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one?  Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…

The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.

Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”

LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.

So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.

The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?

So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.

Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” ‪#‎justiceforCecil‬

The pain, the pain.

June 15, 2015

Chris Christie called Hillary Clinton out of touch , asking “How would she know what real Americans are really concerned about? I don’t know. Is it … when she’s out giving paid speeches?” Exactly. Real Americans like Christie know what it is to struggle to stay within a $95,000 a year allowance for food and drink on top of their salaries.

 

Okay, without any spoilers in this post, isn’t “Shocking ‪#‎GameofThronesFinale‬” redundant?

 

 

Yesterday was the 12th annual “World Naked Bike Ride” in San Francisco. No doubt followed today by the 12th annual “Wash all rental bikes” day in San Francisco.

Hillary Clnton said that the 2008 presidential campaign showed a woman can be president. Is that the right reminder for her to be using? Because the 2008 campaign also showed that picking someone for the ticket just because she was a woman can help the other side win an election.

 

Beginning to think this man does not want to leave New Jersey. Chris Christie today, when asked about Iraq, “we’ve got to put together a ‘coalition of the willing’, which has been used before … ” Yes, and that worked out so well. ‪#‎GeorgeWBush‬ ‪#‎DontforgetPoland‬

Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell to fans. “I wouldn’t write this team off.”. So is Farrell telling us he can’t write?

Four people are recovering after a man accidentally fired a gun during a wedding celebration at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City. The bullet grazed a woman’s head and injured 3 others with debris. Your move, Florida

 

The NY D.A. says the case against the man whose gun went off at a Waldorf Astoria wedding has been deferred, while they decide whether or not to charge him. His lawyer says “There was no recklessness in this case.” Because, hey, doesn’t everyone need to be armed at weddings in five-star hotels?

Maybe the guy just had a think for “Red Wedding?”

The joys of outsourcing. United Airlines uses low-paid contract workers instead of employees  in many airports.  One flight delay from one of those airports, Louisville, leads to several incompetent steps. End result, not getting on two wide-open alternative flights home, in part because “checked bags must travel with passengers.” And then arriving at 200a to find that the person, probably making about $12 an hour,  who insisted on keeping us with luggage did the new tags WRONG, so bags went on THREE different flights without us and arrived 18 hours later….

Some may have been surprised that the big Walmart fight that went viral was between two women. Well, it WAS in the shampoo aisle. A place most men do not venture.

(and some men are asking “there’s a shampoo aisle?”)

 

 

From T.C.  “MMA, UFC & WWE are all currently bidding for rights to use Walmart shampoo aisles as future venues for Pay for View events.”

EEE-ww

April 11, 2015

Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?

So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”

That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage  delay.   And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours?  Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”

 

The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”

Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.

 

 

 

So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! ‪#‎Itsafunnygame

Okay, so ‪#‎Madbum‬ is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. ‪#‎Kershaw‬ is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. ‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Miserylovescompany‬

Providence beats BU 4-3 in the ‪#‎FrozenFour‬ final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.

 

And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”

Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.

Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.

The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?

Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.

 

Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”

 

From  Marc Ragovin  –  “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:

From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”

For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.

Opening Day- Closing night

April 6, 2015

On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.

The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?

Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬ ‪#‎Duke‬

 

Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.

Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.

Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ ‪#‎Redsox‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.

The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?

From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.

In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?

The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.)  He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street.   Your move, Florida.

So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? ‪#‎dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws‬?


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