Posted tagged ‘playoff jokes’

Sticking with Mother’s Day

May 11, 2015

 

Okay, so it’s been a few years.  My son’s first Mother’s Day at Candlestick Park. #raisinghimright

mothersday

 

Meanwhile, SF Giants fans and players would like to thank Matt Duffy for his game-winning RBI today. Because who really wanted to play 15 innings and not only be late for Mother’s Day dinner, but be at the ballpark after they’d cut off beer etc sales after seven innings…

 

 

Maybe this man really doesn’t want to be President? Jeb Bush today on Fox News said he also would have invaded Iraq in 2003, “I would have [authorized the invasion], and so would have Hillary Clinton, just to remind everybody. And so would almost everybody that was confronted with the intelligence they got,”

 

Isn’t Jeb Bush reminding voters that he would have authorized the Iraq invasion like Hillary Clinton reminding voters that her husband would have input into choosing interns?

So a new DOT ruling as of last Friday allows airlines to back out of “mistake” fares, when an error in loading prices means consumers are able briefly to book tickets for a few dollars. Alas, when consumers make a mistake and book the wrong flight or date, we’re still SOL. ‪#‎toerrishumantoforgiveisnotairlinepolicy‬

A 13-year Harvard University study of 20,000 women found that those who drank half a bottle of wine a day had a 70 % reduced risk of obesity compared to non-drinkers. For all those who didn’t already have enough reason for a Mother’s Day toast!

Mother’s Day in the NBA. Another reason for players to want their teams to go deep into the playoffs. Being busy eliminates those tough decisions about which of their children’s moms to take to brunch.

SNL opening skit Saturday night focused on the GOP 2016 Presidential contenders. But really, how could SNL have the hubris to imagine they could come up with anything funnier and more absurd than the candidates themselves?

 

From Alex Kaseberg,  “Happy Mother’s Day. May your Mother’s Day not be nearly as confusing as it is for Kylie and Kendall Jenner.”

Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.

 

With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.

 

Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.

 

And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.

So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.

 

A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.

 

The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?

 

FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”

 

 

Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬

Family and other values.

January 10, 2015

In an upcoming book, apparently Mike Huckabee rips Jay Z and Beyonce. When asked about the comments, Jay Z and Beyonce presumably responded “Who’s Mike Huckabee?”

 

 

Dear gawd. Darren Carrington, one of Oregon’s top wide receivers, has been suspended for the national championship because he allegedly failed a drug test. The week before the game. I’m sorry, Carrington didn’t fail a drug test, he passed a stupidity test.

Apparently someone tried to shoplift at a Versace store in Los Angeles, when Jonathan Martin was nearby. The man was “larger than the security guard” but the 49ers’ OT punched him “five to eight times” until he went down. Nice change to see an NFL player make police blotter news for a good reason.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Mitt Romney told a meeting of donors today that he is considering running for the White House again in 2016. So congrats to all those who had Jan 9 in the pool.

A couple was arrested earlier this week for having sex on top of a used-car at a dealership. The car involved was a 2004 Kia Sedona. Just guessing that’s not what Kia had in mind with their slogan “The Power to Surprise.” (And you guessed it, Florida.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

You can’t make this “stuff” up. Dartmouth has apparently suspended most of 64 students they had charged with cheating. In an ethics class.

Although to be completely accurate, it was a sports ethics class.  So maybe the students WERE demonstrating sports ethics.

Apparently during Bill Cosby’s first show back in Canada a woman got up and he asked where she was going. When she said for a drink, his response was “you have to be careful about drinking around me.” ‪#‎hejustdoesntgetit‬

 

Three people were shot and critically wounded at a suburban Kansas City gun shop. If only the employees had been armed?

With everything going on in France, the number #1 story trending on Facebook Friday am was the Bachelorette breakup. ‪#‎GodblessAmerica‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

The NY Times reports that the Justice Dept is recommending felony charges be filed against former CIA Director David Petraeus for disclosure of classified information to Paula Broadwell, his former mistress and biographer. Well, loose lips may not sink ships, but they sure can sink careers.

 

Drew Brees has been named to the 2015 Pro Bowl. Should be fun for the New Orleans star, getting to throw without any defenders in his face. Sort of like the experience opposing QBs have had all year against the Saints.

From T.C.  “How cold will it be this weekend in Green Bay? It’s so cold that Jerry Jones and Chris Christie will be hugging each other to keep warm right from the National Anthem.

The 2.7% factor?

January 6, 2015

Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?

 

Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..

Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”

Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.

Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”

 

Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.

Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?

Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.

The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. ‪#‎wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy‬

 

O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.

From Bill Littlejohn,  “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”

To flag or not to flag?

January 5, 2015

Refs not only picked up a flag for Dallas tonight, they turned millions of fans, casual and otherwise, into certified Cheesehead Green Bay Packers fans next weekend

 

Okay, let’s be honest here. Other factors beyond the “tuck rule” – including the overtime rule at the time, which meant the Raiders never had the ball after they lost the coin toss – contributed to Oakland’s 2002 loss to New England. And Detroit made plenty of mistakes today against Dallas. But it was still a chickensh*t move to call a penalty and pick up the flag. Especially when the NFL needs all the integrity it can get. ‪#‎ImtalkingaboutyouGoodell‬

The SEC is thinking that if they had ‪#‎DETvsDAL‬ referees in the ‪#‎SugarBowl‬, ‪#‎Alabama‬ would be playing for the national championship next week.

All is explained. Refs looked in ‪#‎Dallas‬ owner ‪#‎JerryJones‬‘ box & realized they needed to cross bridges to get home ‪#‎DETvsDAL‬ ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬

Since CBS has the Bengals-Colts game, after ESPN’s pre-game show on the NFL playoffs, the network shifted over to the PBA Scorpion Bowling Championship. Wouldn’t it been cheaper with similar ratings to have run a test pattern?

Thinking David Shaw at Stanford did a better job of containing Andrew Luck than many NFL defenses are doing.

 

Meanwhile, going to be tough for the SF 49ers, finding a coach who is smart enough to lead the team back to the playoffs, and still dumb enough to think Jed York knows what he’s doing.

 

Nice win Saturday for the Ravens, but afterwards coach John Harbaugh declared Joe Flacco “the best quarterback in football.” With all due respect, and I like the guy, Flacco isn’t even the best QB in the AFC North.

Joaquin commented  “About 12 men on the field, baseball players must be smarter than NFL players, as they never have ‘too many men on the field’”.

Not unexpected, but still sorry to hear of the death of Stuart Scott. Presumably if they’re watching the NFL playoffs in Heaven, there will be some rousing choruses of “Booyah!

 

“Taken 3″ Really? Because even Liam Neeson can’t remember numbers 1 and 2?

 

 

2015 could be shaping up to be a fun year. Louie Gohmert is challenging John Boehner to be Speaker of the House. This is the Texas Rep. who talked about terrorist “anchor babies”, claimed the Obama administration was full of “Muslim Brotherhood members,” accused John McCain of conspiring with Al-Qaeda, and said “Jesus hates taxes.”

Two men were arrested in New York for stealing over $10,000 of Crest White Strips. No details were immediately available about the men, but a pretty safe bet they weren’t British.

 

You can’t make this “stuff” up: After “The Tablet” reported that the HarperCollins Atlas of the Middle East omitted Israel, the company says it will remove the books from shelves and destroy all copies. HarperCollins said the omission was due to “local preferences” as the book was primarily sold in the Gulf Region.

“Local preferences?” Can just imagine what fun we could have in red and blue states with that standard.

 

Toledo beat Arkansas State 63-44 in the ‪#‎GoDaddyBowl‬. Shocking. Who knew Toledo and Arkansas State had football teams?

What matters most.

December 8, 2014

The Browns may start Johnny Manziel at QB Sunday over Brian Hoyer against Cincinnati. Makes some sense. If Cleveland can’t make the playoffs, they’ll be at least more likely to make ESPN headlines.

 

 

William and Kate are on their first visit to New York City. Wonder if the Prince at some point has leaned over to his wife and whispered “Thank God this all isn’t our problem anymore.”

Damn. Apparently a security guard was shot and seriously wounded during an post-game argument between 49ers and Raiders fans outside a San Jose bar. Well, it’s a good thing for public safety neither team’s fans will have anything to argue about during the playoffs.

 

Well, all he did was basically show you can win a World Series with one starting pitcher.  Even if he didn’t get a hit himself.  Congrats Madison Bumgarner, Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year.

 

At time of posting, reportedly Jon Lester is deciding between offers from the Chicago Cubs and the SF Giants. Wonder if the Giants would do something dastardly, like sending Lester videos of games when the wind is blowing out at Wrigley Field?

 

34 years ago tonight was really the day “the music died”, as John Lennon was fatally shot in New York. Harder to believe for many of us, people who were born after Lennon’s murder, are old enough to have children who know the Beatles music. ‪#‎Timeswingedchariot‬

After Oakland’s upset 23-14 win over SF, Raiders LB Sio Moore took to Instagram to refer to Colin Kaepernick as a “Freakin chump.” Not a huge Kap fan, but maybe Moore should be a little more restrained with his trash talking, considering his team is still 2-11.

Not that I’m generally a soccer fan, but congratulations to the LA Galaxy on winning the MLS Cup. Guess having Robbie Rogers, who is openly gay, on the team, didn’t hurt the locker room too much.

 

A massive fire in a residential complex under construction basically shut down the 101 and 110 in Los Angeles  Monday morning. So for commuters on those freeways it was basically a Monday commute as usual.

Ralph Baer,,92, who invented the world’s first video game console, has died. In his honor, mourners at his funeral will spend the entire service playing on their smartphones.

Baylor coach Art Briles is complaining about no Big 12 team in the College Football Playoff. And five power conferences, four playoff teams was always going to be a problem. But just maybe the Bears might want to up their non-conference schedule from Buffalo, SMU and Northwestern State. (The NY Jets might be available.)

It’s not over….

October 1, 2014

At least three more games for the SF Giants in 2014. And this picture from 1992. When we thought the SF Giants might start the 1993 season in Tampa.

 

The little boy, for the uninitiated, is Brandon Crawford.

 

brandon

 

Brandon Crawford’s sister is actually dating another MLB player.  A member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. #Thanksgiving  #awkward

 

Liked baseball as a left-handed little kid, fell in love with baseball in the 1968 World Series. Mickey Lolich, 3 complete games. Tonight Madison Bumgarner channeled Lolich. But skinnier. And a better hitter.. ‪#‎leftiesrule‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

ESPN reported that Brandon Crawford’s grand slam was the first ever by a shortstop in the postseason. And speaking of shortstops, will this be the cue for another Derek Jeter retrospective?

Donald Trump is on another Ebola rampage with the first case in the U.S., tweeting “how dumb was our President to send thousands of poorly trained and ill-equipped soldiers over to West Africa to fight Ebola. Stop all flights.”And saying we must “immediately institute strong travel restrictions or Ebola will be all over the United States-a plague like no other.”

 

Alas, Ebola is far less dangerous for Americans than Donald Trump.

Have to wonder, how many Americans who are freaking out over ‪#‎Ebola‬ are also anti-vaccine.

So the man infected with Ebola told an emergency room nurse days before he became REALLY sick, that he’d been in Liberia. And it didn’t set off any alarms. Once again, proving all the precautions in the world ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬.

 

So if we really want to contain ‪#‎Ebola‬ can we just quarantine the state of ‪#‎Texas‬? ‪#‎twobirdsonestone‬

In the Arizona Fall League. baseball will test eliminating actual pitches during intentional walks, with the idea of maybe trying it in the majors. And the ‪#‎SFGIants‬ Pablo Sandoval is thinking, hey, those are hittable pitches.

Michael Phelps was clocked at 85 MPH when he was arrested. Here’s one way to fix some of these driving issues for athletes: Make the only car they are allowed to drive be a Prius. Those things can’t get up to 85 MPH.

Tom Brady just said of his team “We don’t have the kind of offense that’s going to perform at a high level.” And Patriots fans are thinking “What was your first clue?”

Wow. A jury found Michael Dunn guilty of first-degree murder today for the “loud music” 2012 shooting death of 17-year-old Jordan Davis. Not often I type these words, but “Nicely done, Florida.”

From T.C. “North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been hospitalized with two broken ankles, apparently from wearing heels and being overweight. When his ankle extension surgery is completed, he will be the same height as his buddy Dennis Rodman.”


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 291 other followers