Posted tagged ‘Penn State jokes’

Tone deaf and dumb.

January 3, 2013

Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.

 

 

The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.

 

Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?

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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?

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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?

 

Wonder after the Gators’  Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?

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Another Sugar Bowl thought  -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.

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On a positive note,

Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game.  Well, now we have two.  Congrats to Charlie Strong.

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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”

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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?

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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?

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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?

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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?

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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.

You’re the one that I wanted, maybe.. if I could remember.

December 5, 2012

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important

 

Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.

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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.

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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”

 

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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan

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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.

 

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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.

 

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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….

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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.

 

 

Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..

Horsing around.

August 8, 2012

Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.

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Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”

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Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.

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Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?

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First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.

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This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.

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The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.

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Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.

(Nice add from Peter Crapo,  “Only if he was running alone.”

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If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.

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Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention.  Delegates are content with the decision.  Comedy writers,  on the other hand….

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On the other side of the aisle,  Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats.  And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,”  Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.

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T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming  “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever.  BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”

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In the  “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada  in women’s soccer?

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High times at the Olympics:

August 7, 2012

Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.

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NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”

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Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?

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Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.

(as Alex Schubert commented  –  “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.)  -

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In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”

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Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?

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There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt.  But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but  does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?

(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)

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Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.

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Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.

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More trenchant than funny.  But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.

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Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.

Dark days:

July 23, 2012

The manager of a Colorado gun range turned the Aurora shooter down for membership because he seemed too weird and “creepy.”  Maybe someone should hire that guy for the next task force deciding how to authorize gun purchases.

 

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And as far as deadly weapons, some compare guns to cars.  And yes,  cars can kill people.  But to drive one in the U.S. you need an exam and a license.

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Trying to be fair, when pro-gun types imagine armed citizens at the Batman premiere in Aurora, they think ex-military or very highly trained civilians. Whereas those of us who don’t like guns think more like Plaxico Burress or George Zimmerman.

 

From Paul Seaburn:  Mitt Romney is leaving the U.S. this week to visit England, Israel, Poland and his money.

 

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The Oakland A’s 2012 payroll – $55 million. Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira’s 2012 salaries put together? Over $53 million. For New York Yankees fans this weekend, money not only couldn’t buy happiness, it couldn’t even buy a win.

 

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Just a bit unclear on the concept?  Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz on the Penn State sanctions: “You’re talking about ruining the lives of people.”

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NCAA President Mark Emmert in announcing Penn State sanctions: “Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.” Wow. And he said it with a straight face.

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Another sad story. Sally Ride, 61, the first female astronaut, died today of pancreatic cancer. I had a “Major Matt Mason” astronaut action figure as a kid in the late 1960s….we couldn’t imagine you could have a female version.

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Ah perspective. With the vacated Penn State wins, now the winningest coach in D1 college football history is Bobby Bowden. Who has been often criticized over the years for running a program where bad things like illegally  free shoes were involved.

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From T.C.,    Will Pittsburgh join Chicago with the slogan “Da Bears?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scary thought: As different as the two candidates in the Presidential election are, and as much media coverage as there as been of both President Obama and Mitt Romney, our country’s future may lie in the hands of people who haven’t come close to making up their mind

How many times can a man turn his head…?

July 22, 2012

Can we make  “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?

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The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.

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Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno.    If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?

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Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?

(my friend Steve Moyer suggests  ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)

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Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”

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And another serious thought:   Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings.   Uh,  while I hate guns,  I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves.  But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ?  In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.

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And okay, so the guy got the guns legally.  If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition?   And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere?    (Heck,  Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week,  the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)

 

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What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days —  “Let’s go Yankees!”  and  “When does the NFL season start?”

Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow,  Mets?”

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Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.

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And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh,  PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears.  (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:

Sears’ new slogan?  “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”

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Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention?  “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?

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“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.

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More suggestions encouraged.

Comings and goings,

July 18, 2012

Kris Humphries signed a two-year deal to stay with the Brooklyn Nets. Leave it to the Kardashians to make the NBA look like a bastion of committed relationships.

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Russell R. Wasendorf Sr. is being investigated for allegedly stealing more than $200 million from customer accounts at Iowa’s Peregrine Financial Group. Wasendorf blames the fraud on “mean spirited” regulators trying to put him out of business. And Bernie Madoff said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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The FDA has approved a new diet drug pill for the first time in over a decade. Wonder if the instructions include “Hold steadily and firmly between the lips?”

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Apparently the New York Knicks will let Jeremy Lin go. If Jeremy really loves Manhattan as much as he says, sounds like the real Lin-sanity might have been that offer sheet he signed with Houston.

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Now the rumor again is the Dwight Howard may be heading to the Los Angeles Lakers. This trade process has lasted longer than most NBA players’ college careers.

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So Jeremy’s signed with the Houston Rockets. In New York terms – “I’m mov-Lin out?

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Latest GOP anti-Obama ad is about ‘crony-capitalism’ alleging the President gave preferential treatment to companies run or invested in by donors. Uh, where was this outrage with say, Enron or Halliburton?

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But really?  Crony capitalism?”  Isn’t it supposed to be “crony socialism?”-

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Senator John McCain said Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with his decision on choosing a running mate, saying he chose Sarah Palin because she was a “better candidate.” Guess he could be right.

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Delta Airlines still trying to explain the needles in their sandwiches. Ryan Air would have charged extra for the sewing kit.

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Needles on a plane? Or at least in your sandwiches. Moral of story, beware of airline snacks that promise sharp cheese.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “An artist made an amazing sand sculpture of Fenway Park–it included Bobby Valentine burying his head in it”

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Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner apparently is thinking of running for mayor of New York.  He allegedly already has donations, from the first SuperPAC founded and run by comedy writers.

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This week is SEC media days. Where at Arkansas they have to deal with the sudden departure of football coach Bobby Petrino following a midnight motorcycle crash with his mistress.   The Razorbacks motto this year? “At least we aren’t Penn State.”

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Well, we now know the 2012 Tour de France is really in full swing. A rider (Frank Schleck of Luxembourg) has failed a doping test.


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