Posted tagged ‘PED jokes’

Hall of Fame and Shame?

July 28, 2014

Greg Maddux once threw a complete game in an 1 hour and 46 minutes, and threw another complete game in 76 pitches. (63 strikes.) Both records equaled in about two innings of an average Red Sox-Yankees game

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Another thought about the baseball Hall of Fame, and the steroid-era players. Have been hearing a lot about how the Veterans’ committee won’t put them in because so many of them are anti-PEDs. But of course, players from other eras don’t consider what THEY took to be PED’s. #greenies

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Two young men kayaking in Jamaica Bay, NY lost their paddles, and ended up washing up near a runway at JFK Airport, without being detected by the airport’s $100 million security system. But on the other hand, this weekend at JFK, TSA did confiscate probably 1,000 bottles of water.

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So did you hear who won the #tourdefrance ? Me neither

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Have heard some say if sanctions are lifted against Cuba that MLB will be full of Cuban players. On the other hand, thinking right now that many Cuban kids grow up completely focused on baseball without distractions. Give them fast food, U.S. television, smartphones and other tech toys…and who knows. Their fundamentals may end up as sloppy as those of many U.S. kids.

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Lebron James is going to go back to #23 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Stand by for the ESPN miniseries on how he arrived at that decision.

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Byron Scott, 53, has signed a 4 year deal to become the Lakers new head coach.  With all the  LA “veterans” Scott would fit right in as a player coach.

Will Clark is 50 years old. And were he in uniform he had a better chance of getting a hit Sunday night than #22 Dan Uggla #retire22 #SFGiants

 

 

Sarah Palin has a new subscription-based Internet network, #SarahPalinChannel, which will feature her commentary and the ability for subscribers to ask questions. Monthly subscriptions will cost $9.95, but the show will presumably suddenly stop halfway through each month.

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Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who’s running again against Rick Scott, about Scott’s and Marco Rubio’s “I’m not a scientist” dodge of the global warming question. ““I’m not a scientist either, but I can use my brain, and I can talk to one.

(Alas, in Florida sometimes it seems like open minds are more discouraged than open carry.)

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Carolina DE Greg Hardy was convicted this month of assaulting a female – his ex-girlfriend – and communicating threats. He was sentenced to 60-day suspended jail sentence and 18 months’ probation, and will not talk about the incident except to say “I hate that I have distracted my team.”

The Panthers said they will wait to see what the NFL does, and not suspend Hardy pending the outcome of his appeal in a jury trial. (Which will be after the season) I’m sure the fact that he’s a Pro Bowler has nothing to do with it….

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I’ll be watching you…maybe.

July 23, 2014

So there were NYPD officers working graveyard shifts in four marked cars at the Brooklyn Bridge while the lights were dimmed and white flags were raised Monday night. None of them noticed anything. And the NY Daily news quotes a police source as saying none of them will be disciplined. Well, not like anything really bad could have happened…

 

 

A man claims he was kicked off a Southwest flight in Denver after he tweeted a complaint over a gate agent not allowing his daughters to board early with him. He claims he won’t fly the airline again. Well, and hey, why not, when he can take advantage of the great customer service at Denver from United….

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Mark McGwire says of Jose Canseco. “I don’t care to ever speak to him again.” Well, of course not, Canseco’s in the past.

 

St. Louis CF John Jay tonight struck out on a 4-2 count. That’s bad. What’s worse, no one in the Cardinals dugout, including the manager, noticed it. #whoneedsmath?

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18 runs given up in two days?  All of a sudden #Dodgers pitching is looking like maybe Josh Beckett’s been bringing beer and chicken back into the Clubhouse #sfgiants

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Cameron Maybin has been suspended for 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines. But come on, it’s the San Diego Padres. Couldn’t Maybin have used the excuse he needed the drugs to stay awake?

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Wednesday Alabama coach Nick Saban talked about his team’s loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and said it was a challenge to “try to play in a consolation game.” Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of college football players as egotistical babies.

(Also, for the uninitiated, please note. The Sugar Bowl, with a $17 million per team payout, is not a consolation game. Now, the “AdvoCare V100 Bowl” just might be a consolation game….)

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Eagles tackle Lane Johnson is the latest NFL player suspended four games for PED’s. Johnson said in a statement he “mistakenly and foolishly” took a prescription drug in April and failed to clear it with the Eagles’ athletic trainers or check the banned substance list. Just once would be nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, I was cheating and got busted.”

 

Another thought about all these NFL players who plead ignorance when they get caught for PED’s. Wouldn’t you think if they were smart enough to read their playbooks, they’d be smart enough to read the the rules and their drug labels?

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‘What if I decide to run?': Michele Bachmann saying she might try for Presidency again in 2016. Comedy writers: “Thank you Jesus.”

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You have been warned.  From Alex Kaseberg.  “‘Comic Con’ begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.”

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So what does Rick Perry have against all these kids? The Texas governor doesn’t want more people in America who can embarrass him by counting to three?

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California’s teen birthrate has fallen 63% since 1990, the biggest drop of any state in the country. Instead of “Abstinence Only” education, California has chosen comprehensive sex education, and increased access for teens to contraceptives. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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From T.C.  ” The #1 selling NFL jersey today is Johnny Manziel. Sitting at #5 is Michael Sam. Neither one of them has yet to play a down in the league. That should be enough to bring Brett Favre out of retirement again.”

Jolly good show.

July 6, 2014

That Djokovic Federer #Wimbledon2014 final lasted longer than many celebrity marriages.

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Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic both spoke during the awards ceremony after Wimbledon final. Nothing but class. Maybe they should record the ceremony and commentary as a training video for athletes in some other sports.

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And Wimbledon always brings to mind some of my favorite bathroom graffiti, seen years ago in London, on the side of the stall  – “Wimbledon spectator practice, see other wall.”  And of course on the other side-.  “Wimbledon spectator practice, see other wall.”

 

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Boris Diaw announced via Twitter that he is returning to the Spurs. After no rumors or public discussions with other teams. Once again, San Antonio falls down in the drama department.

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In two separate July 4 incidents in Northern California,  three people had part or all of their hands blown off while handling personal fireworks. Isn’t it redundant for the media to report all three people were men?

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Oops. the Houston Astros single-A affliliate Lancaster JetHawks had fireworks night Saturday, and ended up lighting the outfield wall on fire. (This after another fireworks accident in 2013.) Guess it’s not just their players who aren’t quite ready for the big leagues.

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Nelson Cruz was voted to start the All-Star Game a year after his 50-game PED suspension. If Cruz wins the game’s MVP award will Bud Selig smile and shake his hand by invoking the ABB “Anyone But Bonds” clause?.

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Buck Showalter, responding to Red Sox pitcher John Lackey’s insinuations about Nelson Cruz and PED’s, said that Lackey should be “careful” and look at his own team. Wonder which “Big” hitter the Orioles manager was referring to?

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Most amazing thing about the Brandon McCarthy to the Yankees trade? The Diamondbacks will still pay most of McCarthy’s 2014 salary. #Richgetricher

 

From T.C.. “Most of the Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’d be back for the 2016 Summer Olympics.  Of course then they’ll be competing in men’s diving.”

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

- See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

- See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

- See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

To close a bridge or not to close a bridge.

January 9, 2014

Silver lining for those who Chris Christie threw under the bus this morning? Have heard the Governor has also arranged for that bus to be stopped in traffic.

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-Wonder how long it will take others in GOP to turn on Christie over #Bridgegate. Expect to hear Mitt Romney express sympathy for all those families caught on the #GWB with their dogs on the roof.

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Okay, if Governor Chris Christie’s office closed a bridge over a meaningless endorsement from a small town N.J. mayor, got to wonder, what don’t we know about that they did to people who REALLY p*ssed them off?

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Okay, over-under on how long it will take someone to offer fired Chris Christie aide Bridget Kelly real money for a tell-all book?
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Chris Christie defenders say the NJ Governor is telling the truth and who has time to micro-manage a bunch of potentially over-zealous staffers when you are running a state. Of course the same folks would say of Obama that he was either lying or painfully isolated and/or disconnected from his job.

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Chris Christie in his press conference today “I am who I am, but I am not a bully.” Might have been better to say, “Actually, I CAN be a bully and anyone who doesn’t think we need a bully sometimes in Washington hasn’t been paying attention.”

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Legalized marijuana is apparently so popular in Colorado that stores can’t keep it in stock. Who says there’s no demand for “Made-in-America” products?

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This New Jersey “bridgegate” would never happen in California. Not saying Gov. Jerry Brown couldn’t be vindictive. But if he did something to cause traffic problems in say, Los Angeles, who would notice? #247gridlock

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There’s always room for bipartisan humor on the bus to hell.  Passed along by my friend Laura  –  “Best comment on the Christie bridge scandal: “Well he certainly wouldn’t be the first politician in that part of the country in a scandal involving a bridge and a dead woman.”

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After being stopped twice for going over MPH, Yasiel Puig says he has now hired a cousin to drive him around. Which is good news. As long as the cousin isn’t the one who taught Puig how to drive in the first place.

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LeBron James says he has been mentoring Johnny Manziel for months. Maybe it’s been working – at least when Johnny Football chose to leave Texas A & M he didn’t schedule an ESPN special to announce his decision.

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The Washington Nationals Adam LaRoche posted a picture of himself with a dead mountain lion around his shoulders that he had just shot. Guessing this man is pretty sure he never wants another free agent offer from San Francisco.

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From Marc Ragovin ” ome politicians have called Dennis Rodman’s embrace of North Korean dictator Kim Jung-on to be treasonous.  Hmmm.  Looks like The Worm has turned.”

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Scarlett Johansson on “The Daily Show” talking about her role in “Her” (where she plays a Siri-like phone voice a man falls in love with) said: “There’s a lot of advantages to not having a body, actually.” And millions of women hearing her say that are just thinking “Oh, STFU!'”

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Am tired of all the baseball writers who have turned HOF voting into a morality play. But if it’s REALLY about steroids, how do you justify a vote for Tom Glavine, who was the NL player union rep. during much of the steroid era, and fought hard against PED testing. -

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Tough baseball question of the night, and answering publicly is optional. Imagine it was up to you. Your team could win a World Series, but it would require that you picked up a player using a new, illegal but undetectable, PED. He would carry the team all season and become the Series MVP. Do you say yes, or take the high road and turn the player down.

Getting stoned?

November 26, 2013

Afghanistan may again make it the law to stone convicted adulterers. Which means if Hillary is elected in 2016, she’ll be making visits to Kabul solo.

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Ann Betar, 98, and John Betar, 102, are celebrating their 81th wedding anniversary today, making them the longest married couple in America. After this long guess the marriage stands a good chance of surviving that 87 year itch.

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STL GM John Mozeliak, defending the team’s 4-year $50 million contract for Jhonny Peralta, said the Cardinals were confident Peralta’s drug suspension was an “isolated circumstance.” Translation, at least they’re sure Jhonny won’t get caught again.

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Brian Wilson is apparently close to signing with… the Detroit Tigers?! Maybe the Beard is fonder than he admitted of wearing Orange and Black.

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After George Zimmerman was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend, a search of their home found three handguns, a 12-gauge shotgun, a rifle and 106 rounds of ammunition. And aren’t residents of 49 states sorry that a condition of his bail is that Zimmerman not leave Florida?

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Over 500 flights have been cancelled out of Dallas-Ft Worth International Airport in two days. Wonder how many good Samaritans planning to visit in-laws will offer up their confirmed seats Tues. or Wed. so poor stranded folks can get to see THEIR families. (“Really, honey, you know I want to see your mom, but this woman and baby need the seat more than I do.. So go on without me, it’s okay, Really”)

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Country singer Wayne Mills was fatally shot in a Nashville bar this weekend. Allegedly by his best friend during an argument. The true tragedy, Mills won’t be around to use the incident as a basis for a great hit song.

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College basketball counts strength of schedule for tournament seeding. Not that it will happen, but when college football starts their playoff system, would be nice to see late season games like Alabama vs. Chattanooga and FSU vs. Idaho considered to be the equivalents of bye-weeks.

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, talking about tonight’s game says how his team “rose up to the challenge.” Of playing the Redskins. And he said it with a straight face.

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RGIII against Colin Kaepernick on MNF football.  Also known as the “Two-preseason-favorites-who-are-not-going-to-win-the-MVP-this-year” bowl.

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Yahoo has named Katie Couric as the new “face” of its global news operations. Shocking. Yahoo HAS “global news operations?”

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Derrick Rose is out for the season. And Bulls fans are asking Cubs fans friends about borrowing their ‘Wait until next year” t-shirts.

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From T.C.  About my post on  Georgia Southern beating  Florida Saturday without completing a pass.  “Finally, a team I could play for, says Tim Tebow.”

Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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And the hits just keep on coming?

August 18, 2013

 

 

Ryan Dempster appeared to have hit Alex Rodriguez deliberately in the ribs with a pitch tonight. A-Rod, however, has to count himself lucky that Bob Gibson is not still playing.

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Red Sox manager John Farrell talking about Dempster hitting A-Rod, “he had to establish his fastball in… I don’t know that he hit him on purpose, I don’t think he did…” He’d have done better defending Dempster by saying “My pitchers are good enough to hit someone intentionally on the first pitch.”

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Although at this point it’s hard to imagine the Red Sox dislike A-Rod anymore than the Yankees GM.  Brian Cashman’s relationship with Rodriguez makes George Steinbrenner’s with Billy Martin look positively cuddly.

 

Wonder how long it will take before the next intentional beaning to A-Rod comes in batting practice.

 

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The Obama family returned to the White House tonight after a 9 day vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. Many in Congress were critical of the trip, and no doubt more will criticize the President when when they return from their summer recess on Sept 9.

 

From T.C.   Ryan Dempster beaned A-Rod on a 3-0 pitch tonight. Yanks GM Brian Cashman sent Manager Joe Girardi out to argue the call.  Maybe to bring Alex back to the plate so Dempster could bean him again.

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Looks like the new Jobs movie is making about as much money as a sale on two-year old iPhones.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: Police in Huntington Beach arrested a man and charged him with vandalism for allegedly scrawling obscenities on the side of patrol cars. They were tipped off when he “liked” photos of those damaged patrol cars on the department’s Facebook page.

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In three games against the Marlins in Miami, the SF Giants have scored 25 runs. Wonder if the team flew in a nearby Haitian witch doctor for the weekend?

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How the NFL preseason has changed. Teams used to worry about how many players would be injured. Now they also worry about how many will be arrested.

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All the talk now is about the Los Angeles Dodgers…. what about the Detroit Tigers? Running away with their division, and doing it without much of a year from Justin Verlander. If he gets hot in the postseason….”

Pay to play?

August 7, 2013

Not saying Johnny Manziel is getting a big head. But at this point I half expect to read that he gets pulled over for speeding and tries to charge the officer to sign the ticket.

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Johnny Manziel allegedly received at least $7500 for signing autographs. Looks like the NCAA’s policy on accepting payments is working about as well as MLB’s drug policy.

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Not saying ‪#‎A-Rod‬‘s self-centered act is getting old but even his mirror is telling him he might not be the fairest of them all anymore.

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Bill Clinton said he and Hillary wouldn’t get within 100 miles of the New York mayoral race. Darn. Wishing Bill had said he wouldn’t touch the race with a 10 inch pole.

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Rick Perry in a speech last weekend “There are many states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years. I’m in one today – Florida.” Except Perry was speaking in New Orleans. But give the Texas Governor credit, he was close. Sort of .

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The GOP is threatening not to let NBC and CNN televise the next GOP presidential primary debates if they go ahead with miniseries about Hillary Clinton.The networks have to be wondering, how many good reasons will Rick Perry give them?

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ABA conference starts today in San Francisco Is it just coincidence that 8,000 plus lawyers will descend on the city right in the middle of Shark Week?

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You just can’t make this “stuff” up: Scott Hounsell, the former executive director of the GOP in Los Angeles County, has been mocking Anthony Weiner on Twitter. Last Friday he was arrested for allegedly sending sexting a 16-year-old.

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Taco Bell is debuting a new waffle taco. For those who are tired of always starting the day with something healthy like a doughnut.

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Just in case we thought this A-Rod circus didn’t have enough clowns, enter Ozzie Guillen. Who tweeted “its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol.”

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Bud Selig had yesterday he was proud of baseball’s Joint Drug Program including “random testing, groundbreaking blood testing for human growth hormone..” Uh, Bud, except with all these suspensions – THE TESTING DIDN’T CATCH ANYONE……

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You know it’s a long night at A T and T park when SF Giants fans are looking forward to the between innings “Kiss Cam” to see some scoring.

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SF Giants scheduled Jewish Heritage night Tuesday night against the Milwaukee Brewers. Possibly to honor the top Jewish MLB player. Oops.

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Really? In response to complaints that they haven’t chosen a minority as “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, ABC has made the daring move of choosing a hunky blonde ex-soccer player from…. Venezuela?

Breaking news?

August 5, 2013

Breaking news. A-Rod is to be suspended. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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So when will ‪#‎ARod‬ say he’s going to spend the rest of his life looking for the real PED users?

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The MLB players union expects that A-Rod’s appeal process will not be completed before the end of the season. Well, the way the Yankees are playing, at least this whole circus shouldn’t affect the playoffs.

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As the Biogenesis suspension list emerges….a question comes to mind, so are American-born players cleaner than those from the Dominican Republic? Or just smarter about their drugs?

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A study of the first six months of 2013 by researchers at George Mason University showed that President Obama was the most joked about politician on late night talk shows, figuring in 288 punch lines. Finally, a race Anthony Weiner can win!

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Dutch researchers created the world’s first lab-grown beef burger, cultured from cattle stem cells. Volunteers in a public taste test said it had the texture of meat but was short of flavor. Sounds like they’re already met Taco Bell standards.

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Major League Baseball has doing about as good a job avoiding leaks on these PED suspensions as the players did in keeping their connections with Biogenesis secret in the first place….

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2-3 lanes of the Bay Bridge between SF and Oakland were closed this morning, when a big rig carrying rice and raw fish for sushi caught fire on the bridge. Restaurant goers tonight might want to approach any “seared fish” special with caution.

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Averaging about a home run a week lately, the SF Giants may be taking trying to prove they’re a PED free ballclub a little too far….

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Jeff Bezos of Amazon is buying the Washington Post. So subscription rates may go up but shipping will be free.

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Okay, now really rooting for the Detroit Tigers or Texas Rangers to win it all. Because I would LOVE to see Bud Selig grit his teeth and present Jhonny Peralta or Nelson Cruz with the World Series MVP trophy….

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Slapped with a 211 game suspension, A-Rod is appealing and plans to play tonight. And the game tonight was televised on YES – the Yankees network. Can you say ratings gold? ‪#‎Therichgetricher‬

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A woman who is the current Miss Riverton, Utah, in the Miss America pageant was arrested and charged with making and throwing homemade bombs from a car. There goes her chance to win Miss Congeniality.

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A corporate jet ran off the runway and through a fence at the Eden Prairie airport Monday morning. Did the pilot have dreams of working for Asiana?

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Stay classy Sydney Leathers. After filming a hardcore porn sex scene posted online, Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner stated “‘I’m not prostituting myself… It’s important to look at your body in a positive way”

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Rex Ryan is asking NY Jets fans to give Mark Sanchez a break. And fans are going, “sure, an arm, a leg…?”.

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Alex Rodriguez says that the “the last seven months have been a nightmare, probably the worst time of my life.” Well, he has more than 100 million rea$on$ to try to go on….

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The silver lining in the story that Texas A & M QB  Johnny Manziel may have signed a contract to be paid for autographs.  At least we know there’s presumably a college football player who can read and write.

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Mark McGwire, on PED’sl: “I wish I was never a part of it. If it’s better to have bigger suspensions, then they’re going to have to change it.” Translation, “I’m no longer playing, I’ve got a job, f*ck ‘em.”

That’s what friends are for?

August 1, 2013

Interesting statement of understatement from Roger Clemens: “A-Rod was my teammate in New York. I’m glad he was my teammate.. I did things to make him feel comfortable….”

 

Sometimes you have to wonder. Are Alex Rodriguez and Anthony Weiner in the midst of a secret competition to be the most hated man in New York?

 

What if they gave a ‪#‎tradedeadline‬ party and nobody came?

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The Pro Bowl has decided to change the format, so it is no longer AFC vs NFC: In fact conference won’t matter at all. The two top vote-getters will be named captains and get to pick teams, aided by Jerry Rice, Deion Sanders and two NFL.com fantasy football champions. Well that answers one question. “Could the game get any more irrelevant?”

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Mayor Bob Filner has admitted to sexual harassment (and the stories are epic) but now his lawyer is blaming San Diego. Saying that the city should have provided sexual harassment training, and that Filner might never have been sued “had he been properly trained. Even Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are asking “Have you no shame?”

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The SF Giants’  Javier Lopez, joking about the trade deadline.  “Me for ‪#‎Verlander‬, straight up.” Actually Lopez is having a better year….

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Although this sentence kind of tells you all you need to know about the SF Giants 2013 season: “The last time the Giants won a Zito road start was Game 5 of the NLCS Championship last October in St. Louis.”

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Lindsay Lohan has apparently left rehab looking “happy and healthy.” So I suppose it would be wrong to start a pool on her next “incident?”

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The latest leak is that the MLBPA has been informed of the upcoming baseball suspensions and they will be announced by Friday. Of course this is supposed to be a SECRET investigation. Anyone left with any doubts how players might somehow have learned how to avoid equally secret random drug tests?

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An owner of 8 New Jersey TGI Fridays restaurants agreed to pay a $500,000 fine for serving customers fake premium booze. Of course, have to wonder how much more than $500,000 they made selling the cheap stuff.

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For all those who worried that the ongoing circus involving the NY Jets would fade away when they traded Tim Tebow, no worries: An anonymous veteran told a reporter Geno Smith has outplayed Mark Sanchez in the first week of training camp….

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What’s more shocking, that the Pittsburgh Pirates didn’t make any major trades at the deadline? Or that if they had, it would have been as buyers instead of sellers?

Checking your baggage?

July 29, 2013

A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?

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The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to  turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort

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Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.

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But gosh, what’s next.  If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women.  (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)

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Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.

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#‎JasonGiambi‬, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?

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MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
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Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.
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#‎AnthonyWeiner‬ is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.

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President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”

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Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.

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A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”

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Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.

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What’s in a name?

July 24, 2013

British trivia for the day: Nice of Kate and William to name their son after his great-grandfather, George VI. Except that King George VI’s real name was Albert Frederick Arthur George. (Really.)

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Stay classy Anthony Weiner, His explanation for the latest texts: “It was a terrible mistake that I unfortunately returned to during a rough time in our marriage.” So it’s his WIFE’s fault….

 

George Alexander Louis. What, they couldn’t think of a third middle name? ‪#‎RoyalBabyNames‬

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A thought on the recent Weiner and Geraldo debacle. Anyone else miss the good old days when drunk or stupid dialing just embarrassed you to one other person?

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It could be worse, SF Giants fans. The team could have signed Albert Pujols to a $250 million contract.

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A new study found that over 200,000 children were injured by falling television sets over the last 20 years. If only those children had been armed.

 

Newest bumper sticker in New York? “Honk if you’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner?” ‪#‎Anthonyweiner‬

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New Southwest‬ cocktail in New York? Just one and you may land flat on your nose.

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Carlos Danger, Anthony Weiner…. didn’t those two headline a Chippendales show a decade or so ago?

 

One thing no one is talking about with the Ryan Braun case: so much for the idea you can always tell a PED user because he will be incredibly large with a big head.

 

ESPN headline “Sources: A-Rod thinks Yankees against him.” Yo, A-Rod, it’s not just the Yankees.

 

Bud Selig says now that he is proud of Major League Baseball’s drug program. It’s amazing the man doesn’t have ruptured discs from all the patting he does of his own back.

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How bad is it getting for Anthony Weiner. If this keeps up Oscar Mayer is going to sue him for product defamation.

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In North Carolina, it will soon become legal to bring guns into bars, and to leave them in cars on college campuses. Well, that should at least cut down on college football players in the state being arrested.

Shirley, you can’t be serious.

July 23, 2013

For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)

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Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.

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Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? ‪#‎Seligfail‬

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Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.

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Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.

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Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?

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Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?

 

Two from my friend Marc Ragovin:  “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious:  Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.”   And   “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced.  Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum.  Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”

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The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.

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A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?

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Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”

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Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.

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For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”

Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

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Moving on.

July 18, 2013

Rick Perry has announced he will not run again for Governor of Texas. He may be running again for President. But wouldn’t a better option be Governor of Florida. Then Perry could threaten to secede and most Americans would say “Promise?”

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Top Three reactions on the Rolling Stone Boston bomber cover. 1. It’s outrageous. 2. It’s not a big deal. 3. Rolling Stone is still in business?

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The city of Detroit has declared bankruptcy. Wouldn’t it be better to declare war on the rest of the United States, lose, and apply for aid?

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The stock market closed at a record high today. Which means it’s time for the GOP to start talking about President Obama’s birth certificate again.

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Virginia’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, is trying to reinstate the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law. This law makes consensual oral or anal sex acts felonies, even for married heterosexual couples who commit the acts in the privacy of their own homes. (“Not tonight, dear, I don’t want to be arrested?”)

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A man was arrested outside the White House Tuesday morning with a loaded gun. And apparently told the police. “I was only going to fire a couple of shots.” Uh, George Zimmerman only fired one.

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Eliot ‪#‎Spitzer‬ told an interviewer he considered himself a feminist. Well, I guess he did support a woman-owned business and paid well…

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Jerry Seinfeld said he was upset during the All-Star game “when the Citi Field crowd was booing (players) that they see as rivals to their Mets team.” Of course, to be fair, it could have been an automatic reaction, as these days NY fans are just used to booing their own team.

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From T.C.  “Charles Foley, the inventor of Twister has passed on. He will be buried with his right foot touching the casket’s top left hand corner and his left hand touching the bottom right.”

 

Have to assume Kate is safely ensconced away from TV and media… But this baby is expected to be a major economic stimulus for the economy – tourist visits and locals buying “stuff.” And if you WANTED to create even more hype for a royal baby that will be King or Queen someday. one way to do it would be to let public assume a due date a week or two early….

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Lots of talk about banning PED users from baseball for life to make the game completely clean. But isn’t that like expecting the death penalty to completely stop murders? ‪#‎Nooneexpectstobecaught‬

And the winner is….

June 5, 2013

The big Powerball winner turns out to be an 84 year old Florida woman. Lottery secretary Cynthia O’Connell said she took the smaller one-time amount and turned down the 30-year payout. Ya think?

 

 

The 84 year old woman who won the $590 million Powerball said she’s thankful to the person who let her cut in front of them in line to buy a Quick Pick ticket. Chivalry may not have been dead but this just killed it.

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One more thought about the winner of the Powerball lottery. She waited two weeks to come forward. Two weeks at the age of 84? That’s a significant fraction of your life as a multimillionaire.

 

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“The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent… The so-called steroid era is clearly a thing of the past.” Bud Selig, January, 2010. Uh, not exactly.

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Apparently Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch asked A-Rod for financial help this Spring to fight an MLB lawsuit and was turned down. Proving probably once again, if you’re a public figure always pay off your mistresses, posse and pushers.

 

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Not a great PR week for baseball. Now drug agents are apparently investigating a narcotics delivery to the home of Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez. If true, how stupid. Aren’t you supposed to have your posse take delivery of your drugs?

 

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Turns out the drug allegedly mailed to the suburban home of Cleveland closer Chris Perez was marijuana. Really? If so Perez couldn’t have just waited until the Indians’ road trip this month to Seattle?

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Some cruise lines have cancelled river cruises due to high water on the Danube. And at Carnival Cruise Lines they’re thinking “Bummer for them, but at least this time it’s not us.”

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You’d think Gordon Gee, 69, who is stepping down in July as Pres. of Ohio State after snide remarks about Notre Dame and the SEC, would have learned to keep his mouth shut. You would think wrong. At a press conference to explain his decision, Gee added “I’ve only got a month to ruin the university. I’ve got to get at it.”

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JaMarcus Russell may be getting a tryout with the Chicago Bears. If anyone could make Bears fans long for the halcyon days of Rex Grossman….

 

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Former Sen. John Edwards apparently is going to open a new law firm and specialize in personal injury. Well, if anyone’s now an expert at injuring yourself…

 

I’m sure the young man will have a great career. But the Los Angeles Dodgers are no longer undefeated in the #YasielPuig era.

Cleanliness is next to impossible?

April 28, 2013

Greg Norman said that golf’s lack of anti-doping procedures is “disgraceful” “They’re putting a black eye on their sport. If a sport gets itself clean, the corporate dollars will always be there because people will know it’s a sport they can trust.”

Right, so then golf can be a “clean” corporate sport  like the NFL. Where a drug suspension will still give you time to get back for the Pro Bowl.

“Nasty, brutish and short.” The title of a documentary about the Los Angeles Lakers in the 2014 postseason?

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Apparently Homeland Security, looking for money to bolster security, is asking for a feasibility stuff about charging visitors from Canada to enter the U.S. Right, so we have more protection from all those dangerous Canadians.

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The Big Ten has voted to realign in 2014 with new conference divisions “East” and “West.” So “Legends” and “Leaders” will be gone. “We’ll really miss them” said absolutely nobody.

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John McCain is now suggesting that the Syrian people would “take revenge” on the U.S if we don’t attack to oust Assad. Right, as opposed to all the countries where people will take revenge on us because we DID get involved in their internal politics.

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The NFL draft is over. So how will the league steal headlines from MLB and the NBA now?

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The Rolling Stones are about to kick off yet another farewell tour. Wonder if Mick and company plan to open their concerts with “Shuffling Jack Flash?”

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Will the subtitle of the band’s latest tour be “Stone Age?”

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Dwight Howard got himself ejected in the third quarter of the Lakers’ loss to the Spurs tonight. But if the ref really wanted to punish Howard, he should have made him stay and play till the end of the rout.

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So what was the difference between the Magic and the Lakers this year?  About a week.

Just stopped by for a drink of water?

February 14, 2013

NY Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli is the latest player to deny getting PED’s from Biogenesis, the Florida anti-aging clinic currently under investigation by MLB.   Right, and most men found in brothels only stopped in to use the restrooms.

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Scott Brown is joining Fox News. A decision that many in Massachusetts will view as a more embarrassing way to earn money than his college gig posing nude for Cosmo.

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Bus to Hell time. So how long before some fried chicken restaurant offers a Chris Dorner “Extra Crispy” special?

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My funny friend Abbe Nelson says “I think Christopher Dorner is taking Ash Wednesday a bit too seriously today.”

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Way to go Marco Rubio. While he’s talking about the GOP plans to fix America, he’s drinking “Poland Spring” water, sold in the U.S., but bottled by a subsidiary of Swiss giant Nestle.

 

Steve Martin, 67, announced he became a first time father to a baby boy in December. There’s a certain symmetry – both father and son could end up in diapers at the same time.

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UK freshman forward Nerlens Noel is out for the season and the NCAA tournament with a torn ACL. Since he’s a probable first round draft pick, wonder if Noel’s thinking “So I went to class for NOTHING?”

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First reports said 4,000 passengers were on the stricken Carnival Triumph, today CNN reports there are 3,143 passengers. Let’s hope it’s just confusion, and 857 people didn’t decide to try to swim home.

 

Conditions are apparently far from ideal on that stricken Carnival Cruise ship, but they are giving out free booze. What could possibly go wrong?

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Headline “Pope Benedict confident his resignation will not hurt Catholic Church.” What, more than his tenure as Pope already has?

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So in last night’s SOTU drinking game, anyone get bonus points for predicting one of the speakers would actually also be drinking?

 

New York Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon says the team’s money woes are over. Their woes on the field on the other hand…..

Got a little list?

February 7, 2013

As MLB continues its investigation of Anthony Bosch and his Florida “Biogenesis” clinic, many ballplayers have to long for a more innocent time. When the list they would have been most worried to find their name on, might have been belonged to an upscale brothel.

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And while people are starting their fantasy leagues, wonder who’ll start the pool for the first major league to be suspended in 2013. No doubt for a tainted supplement.

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So now that Ryan Braun’s name has surfaced in connection with that PED clinic in Florida, how long until the Brewers’ star appears on Oprah?

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Monopoly is getting rid of the iron token and replacing it with a cat token. Plan on the cat token always disappearing when you want to play with it, and then showing up in the way of other pieces right in the middle of the board.

(my son Carey Schwartz points out that the cat token will no doubt refuse to stop on Water Works.)

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Despite all the recent headllines Manti T’eo only fell from#6 to #12 on ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper’s big board. And have to assume T’eo’s stock soared in fantasy football.

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From T.C.  “Manti Te’o says he’s going to take some time off Twitter. This is so he can spend more time on his Facebook Farm.”

 

The joys of a 74 yr. old governor with no aspirations for higher office and nothing to prove anymore: Jerry Brown, when asked about a $24,000 radio ad Rick Perry ran in Calif. promoting doing business in Texas: “Its not a serious story guys, It’s like a little radio ad and you guys run like lap dogs to report it. … It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.”

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The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing “God Save the Queen,” guess Elton John is included.

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Idaho State Sen. John Goedde has come up with a bill requiring students to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” as a high school graduation requirement. Right. The book is 1088 pages. Wonder how many legislators have read it.

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There are reports that Kim Kardashian’s doctor believes her unborn baby could be at risk due to the stress of her divorce from Kris Humphries. Another sad result for society as a result of indiscriminately allowing heterosexual marriage.

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Well, spring training may be right around the corner but clearly Americans haven’t quite turned their full attention to baseball. Forbes released their list of the most disliked athletes, and A-Rod is only #6.

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Many Americans are upset about the Post Office’s decision to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. In fact, millions of them are posting on Facebook or Twitter about it.

 

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A couple thoughts about this “gays in the Boy Scouts” controversy. First, all the stories about teachers and students should remind people that sexual orientation is no guarantee against inappropriate relations or even conversations. Second, there have always been gays in the Boy Scouts, it’s just a question of whether or not they are open about it….

MVP’ED?

February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

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Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

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Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

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The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

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This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

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Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

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The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

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A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

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LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

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So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

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For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

Love? Zero.

August 22, 2012

A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”

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The Phillies gave out  Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.

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More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.

 

 

Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.

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The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.

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Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.

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One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers”  in the bottom of the 8th.  Not saying where he wants them to go.

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The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.

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Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension:  “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.”  Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?

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That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.

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The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.

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Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?

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Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.

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Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.

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According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre  sure is busy.


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