Posted tagged ‘Obama jokes’

Missing Jean.

March 1, 2014

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A different sort of post today, after a memorial service for Jean Crawford, my dad’s partner of 26 years.  Since she was basically my step-mother, I can’t claim I inherited my twisted sense of humor from her. But she shared it.  And was always supportive.   A funny, fabulous woman who was with us only 67 years.

 

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And since she was more liberal than I am  – only political jokes tonight.  More sports tomorrow.

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What a scary situation with Putin’s potential invasion of the Ukraine.  Makes us long for those more innocent days when the  biggest mess in Russia was their Olympic hockey team.

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Headline “Putin-Obama relationship in deep freeze.”  This might be the frostiest interpersonal time for a U.S. President since Hillary found out about that blue dress.

 

Sarah Palin is in “Told Ya So” mode because she warned in 2008 that Obama’s reactions might lead to Putin invading Ukraine. And when asked about Crimea, Palin presumably responded, “well yeah, invading there too.”

 

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Joe Biden told an interviewer he was “given every sh*t job in the world” by Obama. Uh, isn’t “every sh*t job in the world” the Vice President’s job description?

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At least 28 people were killed by men wielding knives in China. Are they trying not to gloat too much at the NRA?

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An 8-year-old Cincinnati boy was shot and killed Saturday by one of his brothers. Police said the shooter was was playing with a loaded handgun that he thought was a BB gun.  If only the 8 year old had been armed.

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Nerd prom?

April 28, 2013

Last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Obama joked “”These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” And over at Fox News, they’re saying “See, he admits it.”

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Sarah Palin slammed the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “pathetic” and bashed the “DC assclowns” who showed up for a “nerdprom.” Translation, this year nobody invited her.

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In the 5th round of the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks selected LSU CB Tharold Simon, just two days after Simon’s arrest on disorderly conduct type charges. Guess Pete Carroll figures he should be able to handle petty criminal behavior after all those years at USC.

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You think you have a rough year at work in front of you? How about Miriam Conrad, 56, a longtime Boston public defender, who just agreed to represent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev..

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Wow, just what Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib wanted to hear from GM Jerry Reese after the NY Giants drafted him. “We have Eli in the prime of his career and you actually hope this quarterback (Nassib) never plays. We hope Eli plays for a long, long time.’’

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Matt Barkley to the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, with Zach Ertz also chosen by the team, at least the practice field should be an interesting place on the day of the USC-Stanford game.

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Hooters restaurants are trying to make themselves over as the restaurant chain hits 30. Guess management thinks things have gotten a little saggy.

 

-If the San Francisco Giants keep up their streak of errors that result in losses, think the club will have to add asterisks when they sell and auction off those so-called “game-used gloves.”

 

Former SF Giant Jonathan Sanchez was fined and suspended for six games after hitting the St. Louis Cardinals” Allen Craig with a pitch Friday. The suspension might have been longer, but those who have followed Sanchez’s career found it hard to decide absolutely that the lefty has the control to deliberately hit anybody.

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Now Metta World Peace is likely out for game 4. Will the last member of the Los Angeles Lakers to leave Staples Center please leave the lights on for the Clippers?

 

Before the Lakers head off into the sunset, this thought from Bill Littlejohn: “Dwight Howard got his 9,000th rebound, 14 days faster than Wilt Chamberlain. By the way, Wilt’s 9,000th rebound was a Knicks cheerleader recently dumped by her boyfriend.”

 

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Todd Akin, asked about his “legitimate rate” comment that cost him re-election, said “Of course you regret it. You think, ‘Well, what would it have been like if I hadn’t done that?’” Now,Akin didn’t say that he thought he was wrong, just that he regretted saying it.

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”

Forcing the force?

March 2, 2013

Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible “Jedi Mind Meld” with Republicans. So much for that title “E! Online” gave the President of “Commander in Geek.

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Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line,  these days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony Polis Massa

 

A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where’s the class action lawsuit?

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Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is “legal” sports gambling in New Jersey.

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Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama’s mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester….

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Dorothy Hamill, 56, is appearing this weekend in San Jose in the “Stars on Ice” tour. Wonder if the show’s grand finale will feature Hamill screaming “You punks get off my rink.”

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Facebook is having reporters come to their headquarters next week to “come see a new look for News Feed.” What, have too many users gotten comfortable with the current version?

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Manti Te’o says no teams asked about his sexual orientation at the NFL Combine. Which is good, but have to wonder if it’s because some teams figured they didn’t have to….

 

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Now traces of horse meat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat.

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The President of Groupon was fired yesterday. Wonder if the board told him by sending him a message saying his deal had expired.

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A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn’t Governor Rick Scott.

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Okay, it’s tacky, but anyone else think this Hugo Chavez death watch is turning into a Monty Python skit? “Not dead yet, sleeping…”

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From Marc Ragovin:    “So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea.”

 

The bigger hangover?

February 13, 2013

So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday?   Folks who were at Mardi Gras,  or those who played State of the Union drinking games?

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President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.

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President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?

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So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?

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Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.

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Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?

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LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”

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So while we wait to see for sure if  Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?

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So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.

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For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.

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Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..

 

Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.

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Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons  – Walmart’s founding family -  now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.

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Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.

 

The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.

303.

November 7, 2012

Electoral votes.  Pending Florida,  which is heading for another recount.  Y’all take all the time you want this go around.

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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?

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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44.   So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?

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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.

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Late this evening ,  Mitt Romney called  President Obama to concede. As a Californian  I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-

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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.

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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?

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For that matter CNN  also said  Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed.  . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.

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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”

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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.”    Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?

 

 

From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”

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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.

C is for Cuts?

October 4, 2012

President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”

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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.

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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.

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Or  did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”

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From my good friend, Michele Eggars,  who doesn’t share my political views  – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.

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And from Marc Ragovin:   “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”

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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?

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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.

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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.

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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”

 

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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?

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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.

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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”

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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….

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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”

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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”

Fried-day night.

September 17, 2011

As we approach the weekend it is perhaps time to mark a momentous (and possibly very brief) occasion in the state of Michigan – for the first time in perhaps recorded memory, the Detroit Tigers, Lions and the UM Wolverines are all in first place.

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Whole Foods is introducing a new “Wellness Club” , with “lifestyle evaluation,” nutrition tips, classes and some discounts. The idea is to help shoppers “make educated and positive lifestyle choices that promote their long-term health and well being.” For $540 a year.

Note, the chain doesn’t talk about promoting financial well being, which would mean “Shop at a cheaper store.”

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Michele Bachmann made a brief appearance at a Marin county home today but was in and out of the Bay Area very quickly. Makes sense, Michele is anti-vaccine and she sure didn’t want to get “cooties.”

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Michele Bachmann, 55, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Friday and talked about her opposition to Rick Perry’s requiring girls in Texas to have the HPV vaccine. She said it was less about the shot than the “abuse of executive power.” Fair enough, anyone who looks closely at Bachmann’s forehead knows that neither she nor Nancy Pelosi has any fear of needles.

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Many Americans who are only casually following the GOP presidential race might wonder “Who’s Ron Paul?” But the candidate just got an ringing endorsement from singer Barry Manilow. Said most Americans under 40 “Who’s Barry Manilow?”

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Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose 15 minutes of fame comes from gatecrashing a White House party, have filed for divorce. Apparently Michaele is hanging out these days with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The whole story proves wrong those Americans who said “I couldn’t care less,” about the latest Kardashian wedding.

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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said today his team has “folded it up.” Which means he only noticed this about three months after the rest of us.

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But yikes, Friday night NY beat Atlanta in the 12-2 at Turner Field. If the Mets have folded it up what does that make the Braves – origami?

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Pat Boone spoke before the California GOP convention tonight. Makes sense, as the Republican party has become increasingly anti-evolution, it’s important for them to provide evidence that humans have co-existed with dinosaurs.

Dick Cheney is hard at work on the media circuit promoting his new book. And despite the rough year the President has had, Barack Obama at least can take comfort in knowing this sort of thing is one embarrassment he’ll be spared in the future. Because no one expects Joe Biden to be able to edit his thoughts down to one volume.

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TSA has fired or suspended 28 Honolulu airport employees after an internal investigation found the weren’t been screening checked bags for explosives. Yeah, but they got ALL those passengers who attempted to carry on four-ounce tubes of sunscreen.

The King is dead, long live the …?

August 20, 2011

Burger King has apparently decided to stop using their creepy King mascot. Republicans responded to this news with – “Yet another job loss we can blame on President Obama.”

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Not getting this. All the GOP Presidential contenders say that Obama’s actions are making the economy worse. But they are calling on him to come home from vacation. Uh, if what he does hurts the economy, wouldn’t it be better for him to stay away?

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These days the San Francisco Giants are practicing an “Abstinence only” offense: No scoring.

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Some think the SF Giants just really need to get their confidence up by batting against a pitcher they can hit. Wonder if they could get a pickup game with a contender in the Little League World Series.

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from T.C. A bat on board grounded a Delta regional flight to Atlanta. It wasn’t the plane carrying the SF Giants, cause we all know they don’t have any bats.

The Chicago Cubs fired GM Jim Hendry after nine years. Nine years. It took the team that long to figure out Hendry wasn’t going to get them to the World Series? That’s like saying it took Hillary Clinton nine years to figure out Bill wasn’t going to be a faithful husband.

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With one of the highest payrolls and worst records in MLB, the Chicago Cubs on Friday announced they had fired GM Jim Hendry. According to ESPN.com the actual firing was July 22, but Hendry wanted to help the team by staying on through the July 31 trading deadline. Uh, if he were “helping” the team as GM, wouldn’t Hendry still be employed?

Bristol Palin has had a “T” tattoed on her right foot to signify family – as she said “Track, Trigg, Tripp and Todd.” Don’t forget “Trash.”

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Once again there are reports out of 49ers training camp that “Alex Smith looks good in practice.” What’s the reverse corollary of bad dress rehearsal – good play?

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Christine O’Donnell is now claiming that she walked out on the interview with Piers Morgan because he was sexually harassing here. O’Donnell may not have won her Senate race but she has accomplished something more difficult – making Piers Morgan seem almost sympathetic.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry when asked if he believes in evolution – “It’s a theory that’s out there.” Shame no one can ask God if He/She believes in Rick Perry.

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During his time at Texas A & M, Rick Perry was a “yell leader,” not a cheerleader, a “yell leader.” (They lead the crowd in chants at sporting events but don’t do flips etc.) On the official A & M yell leader website it states, “It is not uncommon for more than twice as many students to vote for yell leader candidates than vote in the Student Body President elections. In Texas, why am I not surprised

Deadlines and more deadlines.

August 1, 2011

The Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game as a franchise this weekend. Not to be outdone, the Houston Astros showed at the trade deadline that they aspire to reach that mark this decade.

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Astros GM Ed Wade responded to criticism of the team’s trading away their best players by saying “It’s not a fire sale.” “Fire?” – More like a cremation sale.

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San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy downplayed Miguel Tejada’s comments about returning from the DL as early as this week, saying “He’s still not able to move.”

Responded many regular Giants fans “And this is different from the rest of the season how?”

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From Gary Morton in Seattle: The US Postal Service is going to feature online previews of the stamps in its 2012 collection. That’s great news for insomniacs when the Mariners have a day off.

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Paul McCartney played two concerts this week at Wrigley Field. It’s the latest in the year fans at the stadium can remember seeing so many big hits.

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Watching the debt ceiling process kind of makes me wish Congress also had a trade deadline.

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A United Airlines plane had to divert briefly to Havana, Cuba, when the pilots noticed a burning smell on the plane. You could tell the hardcore frequent fliers on board. While many passengers wondered about being able to buy cigars, they were the ones calculating the extra mileage United owed them.

(The diversion appears to have been about an extra 100 miles)
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New research suggests that fatty foods may not just taste good, they may alter the brain’s response to sadness, thus literally serving as “comfort foods.”

I can see it now – Prescription Happy Meals.

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Not to say that President Obama surrendered on the debt ceiling deal. But he got a congratulatory phone call from France.

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So Plaxico Burress is now a member of the New York Jets. Well, he may not know the team’s playbook, but at least he’s familiar with the state’s penal code.
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Tiger Woods has announced he will play in this year’s Australian Open. Insert “Down under” joke here.

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Campaigning in Iowa, Newt Gingrich said President Obama has been “totally irresponsible.” And who would know totally irresponsible better than a man who left two sick wives for younger women.

Mr. Bochy goes to Washington.

July 19, 2011

For the SF Giants’ visit to the White House next week, rumor has it that President Obama has invited Speaker John Boehner to join them. That way the team can get a real Orange and Black welcome.

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Actually President Obama has to be thrilled about having the SF Giants visit. After getting it from both sides during this debt ceiling debate, at least with the Giants lineup the President knows he won’t have to absorb any hits.

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Another day, another resignation at Scotland Yard over the Murdoch hacking scandal. This mess could end up being the downfall of more policemen than all you can eat free  doughnut giveaway.

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Rebekah Brooks’ lawyer says she is not guilty of any criminal offense. Though police now say at least 4,000 people were hacked by News of the World, Brooks is denying she knew anything wrong was going on while she was editor. Ah, the increasingly common “clueless defense.”

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“Cut, cap and balance?” (One of the Tea Party pledges)  Can’t decide if it sounds more like some package special at the hair salon, or like what BP was trying to do with that well.

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In a suburb of Vienna this weekend, thieves made off with a semi-trailer filled with 21 tons of mustard and ketchup. Reportedly there is an all-points bulletin out for the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

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A man in a wedding dress briefly interrupted play by running onto the field during the Nationals-Braves game last weekend. Guess that answers the question – “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman?”

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Reggie Bush’s family has taken back a copy of his 2005 Heisman Trophy from a San Diego sports museum. Maybe they plan to trade it for tattoos?

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USC has suspended running back Marc Tyler after he was interviewed by TMZ and asked if athletes were paid more at USC or in the pros. Tyler says was “joking” when he responded “USC, they breaking bread,” and made a gesture indicating money. Well, the truth may or may not set you free, but it does apparently get you kicked off the Trojans.

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Borders Books is facing liquidation after no bids emerged in an auction from any investors who wanted to keep the chain going. While this is bad news for the company’s over 10,000 employees, it’s a bit of karmic payback for the countless independent bookstores Borders put out of business during their heyday.

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When they put together the video of the U.S. women’s run in the World Cup, especially with all those “almost” goals in the final, will the background music be from “Get Smart?” (“Missed it by THAT much.”)

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Fox News reported that “The Undefeated,” the Sarah Palin documentary, opened to packed houses. But the article appeared before the film was even showing in theatres. Gosh, who would have expected anything duplitious from a Murdoch enterprise.

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From TC “In Germany, Paul the Octopus 2 correctly predicted Japan would beat the US in the Womens World Cup. His reward? He was not invited to be a part of the celebratory dinner.”

The Prince and the Captain.

July 9, 2011

 

 

Many Los Angeles television viewers are annoyed at all the media coverage of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s visit; they don’t see the point in celebrating people who are only famous because of an accident of birth. Especially when the coverage pre-empts “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

 

The NCAA has officially accepted West Virginia’s self-imposed sanctions over football recruiting issues. Two years probation, whatever tha means, and NO post-season bowl ban. Good to know that despite the NFL lockout we still have professional football in this country.

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These days President Obama is being criticized by both the right and the left on his negotiations with Congress. About the only thing he could do to please both sides is figure out a way to keep Casey Anthony in jail longer.

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Michele Bachmann has now signed a 14-point pledge from the conservative Iowa Christian group “Family Leader.” The ninth pledge includes banning “all forms of pornography.” Well, this should get her the votes of about 10 men.

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The “Family Leader” pledge also includes a reference to America’s children as “the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy.”  Uh, does this mean for example Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edward’s love children don’t count?

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Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is retiring after nine NBA season. And in another illustration of why the 7’6″ center has been so beloved by fans, he didn’t announce the decision on an ESPN special.

(Alex Schubert said,  “Yao would have played longer if he hadn’t hit his head on the rim so many times.)

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Ohio State University just announced it is “vacating” all 10 wins from 2010 season and placing itself on two years’ probation.  Although the probation will not include any postseason bowl bans.

Why don’t we just place an asterisk on all these BCS trophies and be done with it?

R.I.P. Betty Ford. For years she was known as Gerald’s Ford’s wife. But history may well footnote him as her husband.

 

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Derek Jeter is two hits shy of 3000. Plans to celebrate at Yankee Stadium allegedly include trumpets blaring, with a modest little chorus of angels floating in from on high.

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Some think the ball that becomes Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit could be worth as much as $250,000 to the whoever ends up with it.  Well, considering that Jeter is hitting .257 this year with TWO home runs, it’s not likely that ball will end up with a fan in the stands.

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Michele Bachmann is starting to run her first television ad in Iowa, titled “Waterloo.” “Waterloo?” Really? The ad has guitar music playing in the backgroud. Guess it’s a good thing Bachmann couldn’t afford the rights to the ABBA Song. (I feel like I win when I lose, etc…)

Honeymoon phase:

June 14, 2011

Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?

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Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….

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The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.

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Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.

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Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.

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Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.

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Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?

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President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?

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Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends.  Wow.  Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.

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And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”

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President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.

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Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.

Lakers jokes, and other realities

May 9, 2011

Actually comedy writers are in a quandry. I mean, as far as a Lakers’ joke, how can you top Game 4?

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Some pundits said the Lakers’ performance could be excused by their age. Which would make sense if Jason Kidd weren’t about 110.

Seriously, if the Mavericks keep this up, Kidd may be the first player to get a ring while being a card-carrying AARP member.

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The Lakers just kept looking worse and worse. Last team that looked this bad on a Sunday were Osama’s bodyguards.

Add several million Southern Californians to the list of Americans whose rooting interest in the NBA playoffs is now “Anyone but the Heat.”

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Silver lining for the Sharks. Although everyone expected them to close out the series in game five, thanks to the Lakers, San Jose wasn’t even close to the most embarrassing sports story today in California.

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Who’d a thunk it quote of the week from Kobe Bryant: “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win this series.” Maybe he should have said “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win game four.”

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And who’d a thunk it, part two. The Lakers temporarily pushed Frank McCourt out of the #1 subject spot on Los Angeles sports talk radio.

Silver lining for the Lakers on Mother’s Day - the players will now have plenty of time to spend with all the mothers of their children.

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President Obama was on “60 Minutes.”. Which is about as long as any Republican was willing to avoid criticizing Barack after the U.S. got Bin Laden.

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According to National Security Advser Tom Donilon, President Obama gave the go-ahead for U.S. forces to raid a Pakistan compound based on “what was probably a 50-50 case that Osama bin Laden was there.” Well, those were probably much better odds than anyone gave a young black man with the middle name of Hussein to win the presidency.

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President Obama said tonight on “60 minutes” that the mission to get Bin Laden was a closely held secret, with only a few presidential staffers in the loop. In fact, said Obama, “I didn’t tell my own family.” Well, at least that’s the cover story he’s telling Joe Biden.

Implausible deniability?

May 6, 2011

 Pakistan is sticking to their story that they had no idea where Bin Laden was staying. When told that this defied logic, they pointed out that the current U.S. Secretary of State said she had no idea that her husband was straying.

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And in a sports-related vein,  Pakistan’s claim  makes about as much sense as Bud Selig’s claim that he and MLB officials had no idea about the steroid problem.

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Los Angeles Lakers’ forward Ron Artest has been suspended from game three against the Mavericks for a flagrant foul on Dallas guard J.J. Barea. Wow, at this point that could be half the Lakers’ season.

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Apparently Prince William and Kate will be visiting California in July. No word on their itinerary but surely they will visit San Francisco? The “City by the Bay” certainly knows how to appreciate a good queen.

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The Pac 12′s new $3 billion contract with ESPN and Fox will mean a lot more Thursday and Friday night football games, never a favorite of coaches because of what they do to preparation and recovery time. Meanwhile we wonder how some of these kids get the idea it’s all about the money?

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Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left.

(Augie says the Donald dropped out because someone told him he’d have to wear a helmet and muss up his hair.)

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Artest actually just won the NBA’s “J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship” Award last Tuesday.  So does his suspension mean the award will have an asterisk?

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Actually Artest really in general does seem to have turned his life around, and has mostly been a model player who’s made service to the community a priority. (He even raffled off his 2010 championship ring to raise money for mental health charities.) 

But seriously, the NBA’s best citizen?  A few years ago that seemed as likely as Kobe Bryant getting an award as the league’s best husband.

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A top ranked Washington Capitals were swept out of the NHL playoffs by the Tampa Bay Lightning. The GOP are trying to figure out if there’s a way to blame this on Obama.

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President Obama yesterday wished all Americans a happy Cinco de Mayo. And Sarah Palin responded “Idiot. Had Obama grown up in the U.S. he would know; mayo doesn’t sink.  It floats. Mustard sinks.

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Apparently George W. Bush, despite his invitation from President Obama, declined to attend today’s Ground Zero ceremony because he was feeling left out and not getting much credit. Of course, part of the problem is that Cheney made him feel the same way.

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A stand-up president.

May 1, 2011

 President Obama told a number of self-deprecating jokes at the White House Correspondents dinner, including about his much-maligned use of a teleprompter. Although let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills.

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The Correspondents dinner is one of the best-attended media events in Washington. Why, there were probably reporters there from over 100 publications Sarah Palin’s never read.

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Text message tonight from Donald Trump to his staff – “find something to investigate about that little sh*t Seth Myers.” (Note to the Donald, at least try to fake being able to be the butt of jokes.)

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American Airlines is bringing back Happy Hour in May, with discounted alcoholic beverages for flights departing between 5p and 559p. American says the promotion has been a success in the past, both last December for passengers and earlier this year when they offered it to pilots.

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For casual baseball fans, if you’ve ever wondered what the term “effectively wild” meant, I give you these stats from today’s SF Giants 2-1 win over the Washington Nationals. Jonathan Sanchez walked or hit 7 of the first 10 batters he faced, Brian Wilson loaded the bases on two walks and a hit batter before ending the game on a strikeout.

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And San Francisco won the game on a bases loaded walk. These days that’s a Giants offensive explosion.

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Jim Harbaugh today on Alex Smith, the beleaguered quarterback he inherited as coach of the 49ers.“I strongly feel that Alex is going to be back here.” Guess Harbaugh really wants Andrew Luck with next year’s #1 draft pick.

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Another post-wedding thought: Katherine Middleton’s genes will help. But the British coinage and stamps will also all be more attractive some day because Charles waited to marry Camilla until AFTER he had children.

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And the wedding apparently cost about $82 million. For the boost to the British economy, in terms of tourism and all the crap, er, high class souvenirs, they are selling, this isn’t a bad deal. Much more effective use of money than invading other countries, IMHO.

4 / 20

April 20, 2011

Today is 4/20 which has become a semi official holiday for people to celebrate and consume marijuana. Of course, to do it properly, the holiday should be forgotten and then celebrated at least 24 hours after the fact.

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Meanwhile, on Tuesday night, the Dodgers bullpen gave up EIGHT runs in the top of the ninth inning against the Braves, turning a close 2-1 game into a rout. But thanks to the Kings blowing a four goal lead against the Sharks, the Dodgers weren’t even the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles of the evening.

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Oakland shut out the Boston Red Sox 5-0 tonight, despite committing their major league leading 19th error of the season. Should we start referring to them as the Oakland “E”s?

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The NFL released their 2011 schedule. Considering how far apart the two sides seem in terms of a settlement, isn’t this about as realistic as the New York Mets offering a plan that would guarantee the ability of fans to purchase playoff tickets?

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Bob Knight has apologized to the University of Kentucky and coach John Calipari, after claiming that several of the Wildcats’ players did not attend spring semester classes last year.

What Bob’s apology said was shouldn’t have made it (his slam against one-and-dones)  personal to Kentucky.”  What Knight no doubt thought was he shouldn’t have qualified the statement with “spring semester.”

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Today GOP House members issued a contract to pay former Solicitor General Paul Clement $575 an hour, with a $500,000 cap, to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act. I’m waiting for the Tea Party outrage.

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Donald Trump says the ‘last person’ Obama wants to run against is Donald Trump. Well, and yes, since President Obama would be limited to two terms I think he would LOVE the last person he runs against to be Trump.

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The unemployment rate fell in two-thirds of the nation’s states last month, as again private employers added more than 200,000 jobs. Many Republicans were dismayed, however, because the more new jobs, the less chance that Obama loses his.

Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s soon-to-be ex-wife, has won her latest custody battle with Sheen. Mueller herself allegedly bought crack cocaine from a street corner drug dealer last week. Open question to conservative “family values” types – can a loving gay couple possibly be a worse choice for parenting than these two clowns?

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Presidential madness:

March 19, 2011

Barack Obama is 29-3 in his picks in the NCAA men’s tournament. The president is in the 100th percentile on ESPN.com’s Tournament Challenge, tied for 492nd out of 5,923,829 submitted brackets.

So hey, the U.S. is trying to come up with creative ways to fix the deficit – maybe Obama should take his talents to Las Vegas.

 

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On the other hand, now that he lives in Washington D.C. who better than Obama to be an expert on amateur basketball?   His home team is now the Wizards.

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But sorry folks,  referring to Thursday and Friday games in this year’s NCAA tournament as “second round” games  is B.S.   This was the FIRST round. Those little matchups on Tuesday and Wednesday were “play-in” games. Even the BCS is thinking “Have you no shame?”

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Michigan 75 – Tennessee 45. This game was so embarrassing that Volunteers fans are wondering if Lane Kiffin was somehow involved.

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Augie’s proposed headline for USC’s early exit – “Flaccid Trojans get Rammed.”

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Pete Kendall, the NFL players association representative says that negotiations broke off because the owners’ last offer suddently made salaries a fixed cost and was “kind of the old switcheroo.” Yeah, how does he think they became billionaires in the first place?

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The University of Michigan cancelled a planned trip with three games to Stanford this weekend due to a forecast of rain, and will instead play in a tournament at Eastern Michigan University. Which coincidentally saves a lot of money the school can use towards say….football?

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The AP Stylebook apparently has decided that it’s now “email” not “e-mail.” Just in time for the majority of the world to have switched to social media and texts.

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Dan Quayle defended President Obama’s golfing by saying “I’m glad he’s playing. I think presidents deserve down time. And believe me, he is in constant communication with what’s going on.”

And some in the GOP allegedly responded, yeah, well what does Quayle know? Who would ever think he was qualified to be president. Oops, never mind.

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A Florida State Senator wants to require that an alternative he calls “non-evolution” be taught in public school classrooms. Well,, I must say, as far as evidence against the theory of evolution, many of the residents – and elected officials – of Florida do provide pretty good examples.

Just when you thought,

February 10, 2011

there wasn’t a man left in America who hadn’t heard the cautionary tales of Tiger Woods and Brett Favre and their texting….

Turns out there was a Congressman right in New York who didn’tg get the memo.

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But okay, here’s an open note to all politcians and athletes, especially those over the age of 25. EVERYTHING you send on a phone or over the internet is potentially public. And if it’s potentially embarrassing, it will almost certainly become public.

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Although when you think about this latest story of a married politician texting shirtless pictures of himself to a woman not his wife. I think we can all be thankful again that texting hadn’t been invented when Clinton was President.

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Mark Sanchez, 24, apparently is “hooking up” with a 17 year old New York high school student. (17 is the legal age of consent in New York, as opposed to 18 in California) Now we know why he was in such a hurry to leave USC.

Open warning to all CFL general managers, especially those with daughters,  should Sanchez wash out with the Jets.  In Canada the age of consent is 16.

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Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy apparently had his players fitted for championship rings the day before the Super Bowl. “Uh, it’s a lot easier if you just do it in the preseason” responded the New York Yankees.

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There are rumors that President Obama is dyeing his hair to get rid of some of the gray. Well, he DID take a biography of Ronald Reagan with him over Christmas….

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CBS and Turner Sports plan to expand their March Madness coverage, which according to a CBS executive will “create non-stop basketball from noon ET to midnight.” That crashing sound you are about to hear is American productivity next month plummeting to zero.

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Pirates’ pitcher Ross Ohlendorf won a $1.5 million raise in arbitration this year, even with a 1-11 record in 2010. Giants management hopes Barry Zito doesn’t hear about this.

Vacations, probations, etc…

August 9, 2010

The First Lady is taking some heat for this trip to Spain with Sasha. But hey, her daughter is probably taking Spanish in school and Michelle wanted to take her somewhere where they speak the language.

Of course, the GOP would argue in that case it would have been cheaper just to go to Los Angeles.

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All these Republicans complaining about the first lady’s European vacation…. I guess they feel the Obamas should act like a real American family and buy a multimillion dollar Texas ranch or Maine compound for their summer vacations.
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This week a California company recalled over one million pounds of ground beef. Worried savvy consumers are flocking to Jack in the Box – it’s one place they can be assured there is no beef in those hamburgers.

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The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing.”

Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll.

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-from reader T.C.

Plaxico Burress has applied for a work release from prison. No word on whether he plans on working for the Cincinnati Bengals or the Washington Wizards.

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In the CFL (Canadian Football League) the Toronto Argonauts, with a history of being doormats, are actually 4 and 2. Which means maybe there’s hope for the NFL Detroit Lions? Okay, let’s not get carried away.

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In the Little League World Series, not only will they be using instant reply, the managers will be allowed to challenge calls on force outs, tags, missed bases and hit batsmen. Well, it’s good to see baseball deciding to get the important games right.

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The Chicago Cubs are coming to play the San Francisco Giants this week. Now, okay, I understand if you were born in Chicago and became a Cubs fan. But I have met many fans over the years from all over the U.S. who just adopted the Cubs as their team.

Why not just wear a t-shirt saying “I am a masochist.”

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The New York Mets added a couple Triple-A players to their roster on Saturday, and released Alex Cora. But really, the way New York is playing, can we really refer to it as a call up from the minors? Seems more like a lateral move to me.

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Bristol Palin said that the reason she ended her second engagement to Levi Johnston is that Levi was “obsessed with the limelight.” Added her mother Sarah, “Yeah, thats MY job.”

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President Obama played basketball today with some current and former NBA stars in an exhibition game in Washington to entertain wounded troops. Apparently Obama had thought of giving them tickets to Washington Wizards games, but then decided that the troops had suffered enough.


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