Posted tagged ‘Obama jokes’

A behind by any other name?

August 8, 2014

College instructors now use plagiarism software that can detect passages taken directly from the internet. So some students have taken to using “synonym swapping” to change phrases. At Middlesex University in England, however, a student was caught when he changed the words “left behind” to “sinister buttocks.”

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A judge ruled today that the NCAA is violating antitrust laws by restricting the compensation that major college football and men’s basketball athletes can receive for use of their names, images and likeness. So in the SEC and at USC, does this just mean athlete pay goes from under to on the table?

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Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby on the NCAA allowing power conferences to set their own rules. “This (vote) is about higher education.” And he said it with a straight face.

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A toddler apparently got past security and through the White House fence yesterday. He was returned safely to his parents. Though President Obama probably had a more mature interaction with the boy than he has had with Congress.

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In Missouri, the CEO of Windemere Baptist Conference center was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a dog and an unnamed other animal on Craigslist. Hmm, when some of these anti-gay marriage folks are saying it will lead to people wanting to marry their pets, are they speaking from experience?

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Putin has decided to ban imports of many foods from EU members, the US and Canada into Russia, including meat, fish, cheese, fruits and vegetables. Whiskey, on the other hand, is exempt. #priorities.

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New backup 49ers QB Blaine Gabbert had a 1.7 passer rating in his debut preseason appearance. (3 of 11 for 20 yards.) Well, Tim Tebow is available….

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Seahawks CB Tharold Simon was ejected from the team’s first pre-season game for throwing a punch at one of the Broncos. Is Simon trying to get traded to the Ravens?

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As Hurricane Iselle swept through Hawaii, many surfers took to the waves. Alas for the long term betterment of humankind, there appear to have been no Darwin Awards.

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President Obama ordered U.S. jet fighters to strike ISIS militants in Iraq. This has to be a real problem for many in the GOP. How do they criticize Obama for bombing someone?

 

 

Headline on ESPN “Team USA adds Gay to roster.” Just waiting for the first moron to scream about a homosexual agenda.

Missing Jean.

March 1, 2014

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A different sort of post today, after a memorial service for Jean Crawford, my dad’s partner of 26 years.  Since she was basically my step-mother, I can’t claim I inherited my twisted sense of humor from her. But she shared it.  And was always supportive.   A funny, fabulous woman who was with us only 67 years.

 

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And since she was more liberal than I am  – only political jokes tonight.  More sports tomorrow.

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What a scary situation with Putin’s potential invasion of the Ukraine.  Makes us long for those more innocent days when the  biggest mess in Russia was their Olympic hockey team.

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Headline “Putin-Obama relationship in deep freeze.”  This might be the frostiest interpersonal time for a U.S. President since Hillary found out about that blue dress.

 

Sarah Palin is in “Told Ya So” mode because she warned in 2008 that Obama’s reactions might lead to Putin invading Ukraine. And when asked about Crimea, Palin presumably responded, “well yeah, invading there too.”

 

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Joe Biden told an interviewer he was “given every sh*t job in the world” by Obama. Uh, isn’t “every sh*t job in the world” the Vice President’s job description?

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At least 28 people were killed by men wielding knives in China. Are they trying not to gloat too much at the NRA?

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An 8-year-old Cincinnati boy was shot and killed Saturday by one of his brothers. Police said the shooter was was playing with a loaded handgun that he thought was a BB gun.  If only the 8 year old had been armed.

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Nerd prom?

April 28, 2013

Last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Obama joked “”These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” And over at Fox News, they’re saying “See, he admits it.”

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Sarah Palin slammed the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “pathetic” and bashed the “DC assclowns” who showed up for a “nerdprom.” Translation, this year nobody invited her.

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In the 5th round of the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks selected LSU CB Tharold Simon, just two days after Simon’s arrest on disorderly conduct type charges. Guess Pete Carroll figures he should be able to handle petty criminal behavior after all those years at USC.

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You think you have a rough year at work in front of you? How about Miriam Conrad, 56, a longtime Boston public defender, who just agreed to represent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev..

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Wow, just what Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib wanted to hear from GM Jerry Reese after the NY Giants drafted him. “We have Eli in the prime of his career and you actually hope this quarterback (Nassib) never plays. We hope Eli plays for a long, long time.’’

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Matt Barkley to the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, with Zach Ertz also chosen by the team, at least the practice field should be an interesting place on the day of the USC-Stanford game.

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Hooters restaurants are trying to make themselves over as the restaurant chain hits 30. Guess management thinks things have gotten a little saggy.

 

-If the San Francisco Giants keep up their streak of errors that result in losses, think the club will have to add asterisks when they sell and auction off those so-called “game-used gloves.”

 

Former SF Giant Jonathan Sanchez was fined and suspended for six games after hitting the St. Louis Cardinals” Allen Craig with a pitch Friday. The suspension might have been longer, but those who have followed Sanchez’s career found it hard to decide absolutely that the lefty has the control to deliberately hit anybody.

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Now Metta World Peace is likely out for game 4. Will the last member of the Los Angeles Lakers to leave Staples Center please leave the lights on for the Clippers?

 

Before the Lakers head off into the sunset, this thought from Bill Littlejohn: “Dwight Howard got his 9,000th rebound, 14 days faster than Wilt Chamberlain. By the way, Wilt’s 9,000th rebound was a Knicks cheerleader recently dumped by her boyfriend.”

 

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Todd Akin, asked about his “legitimate rate” comment that cost him re-election, said “Of course you regret it. You think, ‘Well, what would it have been like if I hadn’t done that?’” Now,Akin didn’t say that he thought he was wrong, just that he regretted saying it.

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”

Forcing the force?

March 2, 2013

Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible “Jedi Mind Meld” with Republicans. So much for that title “E! Online” gave the President of “Commander in Geek.

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Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line,  these days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony Polis Massa

 

A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where’s the class action lawsuit?

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Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is “legal” sports gambling in New Jersey.

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Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama’s mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester….

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Dorothy Hamill, 56, is appearing this weekend in San Jose in the “Stars on Ice” tour. Wonder if the show’s grand finale will feature Hamill screaming “You punks get off my rink.”

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Facebook is having reporters come to their headquarters next week to “come see a new look for News Feed.” What, have too many users gotten comfortable with the current version?

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Manti Te’o says no teams asked about his sexual orientation at the NFL Combine. Which is good, but have to wonder if it’s because some teams figured they didn’t have to….

 

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Now traces of horse meat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat.

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The President of Groupon was fired yesterday. Wonder if the board told him by sending him a message saying his deal had expired.

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A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn’t Governor Rick Scott.

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Okay, it’s tacky, but anyone else think this Hugo Chavez death watch is turning into a Monty Python skit? “Not dead yet, sleeping…”

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From Marc Ragovin:    “So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea.”

 

The bigger hangover?

February 13, 2013

So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday?   Folks who were at Mardi Gras,  or those who played State of the Union drinking games?

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President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.

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President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?

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So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?

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Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.

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Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?

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LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”

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So while we wait to see for sure if  Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?

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So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.

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For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.

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Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..

 

Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.

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Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons  – Walmart’s founding family –  now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.

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Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.

 

The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.

303.

November 7, 2012

Electoral votes.  Pending Florida,  which is heading for another recount.  Y’all take all the time you want this go around.

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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?

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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44.   So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?

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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.

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Late this evening ,  Mitt Romney called  President Obama to concede. As a Californian  I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-

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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.

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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?

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For that matter CNN  also said  Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed.  . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.

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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”

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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.”    Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?

 

 

From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”

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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.


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