Posted tagged ‘Obama jokes’

Wonders never cease.

November 23, 2014

Hillary Clinton said Obama’s executive action on immigration is an “historic step” and that she supports it. Wow. A Democrat these days daring to say she supports the President on anything!

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Apparently ESPN baseball writer Keith Law has been suspended from Twitter for tweeting an argument with Curt Schilling who was defending the theory of creationism. Well, to be fair, some athletes’ behavior does rather challenge the theory of evolution.

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Boston Red Sox reportedly offering 5 years, $95 million to Pablo Sandoval, while the SF GIants reportedly offering 5 years $90 million. So after taxes, that’s about $2.5 million over 5 years difference. Heck, that might barely cover the heating and air conditioning bills.

 

Several officiating experts say Jameis Winston should have been ejected for his contact with a referee today as the FSU QB was trying to do a quick snap. But really, why should Jameis be treated any differently for his conduct on the field than off it?

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So then  FSU takes advantage of a stalled Boston College drive and missed FG to drive for a FG of their own with 3 seconds left to win 20-17. Ought to do wonders for the Seminoles’ “game control” points with the College Football Playoff committee.

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Bill Cosby’s lawyer called all the sexual assault claims “ridiculous” and “unsubstantiated, fantastical stories.” Uh, and then there’s the Yiddish proverb “If one man calls you an ass, pay him no mind. If five men call you an ass, go buy a saddle.”

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From Alex Kaseberg “The accusations of sexual assault continue against Bill Cosby. On the bright side, he has been named an honorary member of the Baltimore Ravens.”

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Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari wished his daughter Megan a happy birthday today,  but he had the date wrong.  Give Calipari credit.  At least he remembered he had a daughter. And he got her name right.

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#‎TigerWoods‬ has hired a new swing consultant. Or did he say a new swinging consultant? Not sure.

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Regarding this ‪#‎ThanksMichelleObama‬ students tweeting pictures of nasty but healthy school lunches, two thoughts. 1. Does anyone really have fond memories of great school lunches? 2. So if it’s what kids want let’s just serve candy and cookies that need no refrigeration or cooking and be done with it?

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Five turnovers for ‪#‎Cal‬ in a 38-17 ‪#‎BigGame‬ loss to ‪#‎Stanford‬. Just as well the Bears didn’t get the Axe. They’d probably have dropped it.

 

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SF Giants have sent out Season Ticket Invoices. Inflation is flat but prices have gone up 8%. They’d better be spending the money on raises for employees and player contracts….

 

 

#8 Ole Miss was the highest ranked 2-loss team in college football. After this shutout loss to Arkansas will they be the highest 3-loss team? ‪#‎SECbias‬

Decisions, decisions.

November 5, 2014

A very low turnout in this year’s midterm elections. Which must on some level make all the winners and incumbents very happy.  Since all those people who didn’t vote have forfeited their bitching rights.

 

The polls are closed across the U.S. So finally the emails requesting money for the 2014 election will stop. The emails requesting money for 2016 start this morning.

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Not that I’m wishing harm on anyone, but it will be interesting to see what happens this winter the first time some natural disaster hits some state where a GOP leader has won election campaigning against the federal government.

 

What a country. Kim Kardashian Monday night posted “‘I’m standing w Obama in the midterm election 2morrow!’ Of course, since Kim probably didn’t take time to vote she probably didn’t even notice the President not being on the ballot.

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Not sure what Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who’s been downplaying her ties to Sarah Palin, might be like in the Senate. But her husband Gail at least looks like a gift for the comedy industry. This from his FB page last year: “What do you do if you see your ex running around in your front yard screaming and bloody? Stay calm. Reload. And try again.”

 

 

In Florida, Democrats had hoped a medical marijuana initiative would help Charlie Crist in Tuesday’s election. Alas wonder how many supporters  of the amendment will show up to vote Wednesday.

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A statement that kind of sums up American priorities. This from Kristin Mavromatis with the Mecklenburg County Board of Elections in North Carolina: “There are lines all over the place Not quite as long as the line at the Cheesecake Factory but there are lines.”

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Wonder how many people who didn’t think they have time to vote had time to update their fantasy football teams. ‪#‎ElectionDay‬

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Fox News’ Tucker Carlson. “We need, I think, an older white guy appreciation day, I think they have done a lot for this country.” With all due respect, in the U.S. EVERY day is “older white guy appreciation day.”

 

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A Virgin Australia flight bound for Sydney had to return to Los Angeles because of a plumbing problem that resulting in a nauseating smell on board. Ah for the good old days, when the most nauseating thing on a plane was the free food.

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President Obama just declared the lava flow from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano to be a major disaster, which frees up federal money to help. Wonder how many people are thinking.”Yeah, just like Obama to send U.S. money overseas.”

 

Tony Romo says he is optimistic about Sunday’s game in London. Well, of course, who wouldn’t be optimistic with the prospect of playing the Jacksonville Jaguars?

 

Another why there is no satire: Dallas Cowboys hashtag for their London game is ‪#‎CowboysUK‬ Yes, they do.-

 

 

The LA Dodgers have hired Oakland A’s assistant GM Farhan Zaidi as their next GM. Right, okay, because the Athletics lasted so much longer than the Dodgers in recent playoffs.

The best of games, the worst of games.

October 19, 2014

And some people still think football players don’t need math skills. Tulane QB Nick Montana spiked the ball today near the end of the first half to stop the clock. On fourth down….. ‪#‎Oops‬

 

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill has filed for the trademark Kenny Trill, “Trill” apparently being a new word meaning “true and real.” So after today’s 59-0 blowout by Alabama does that mean it’s “true” that A&M is “real”ly over-rated?

 

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Notre Dame game winning TD  against FSU  called back for offensive pass interference.  Guess the Fighting Irish couldn’t bring their own officiating crew from South Bend

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#‎WestVirginia‬ upsets Baylor. And the Mountaineers will be getting flower deliveries from every one-loss ‪#‎SEC‬ school. ‪#‎BAYvsWVU‬ .

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Oklahoma’s star senior kicker Michael Hunnicutt missed a potential game winning 19 yd field goal, after missing a 32 yd attempt earlier, and having a extra point blocked. If the Sooners end up playing Stanford in a bowl there won’t be enough Maalox in the country for fans of both teams during place kicks.

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Although be careful what you wish for. No doubt many Stanford football fans were hoping tonight’s game against ASU wouldn’t come down to a field goal attempt by Jordan Williamson..

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Blake Griffin said he is frustrated over continued hard fouls, and “probably” will start retaliating if they continue. Could result in a big jump in Clippers’ TV ratings….

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So its now harder to vote than to buy a gun in ‪#‎Texas‬.
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If seniors weren’t traditionally conservative voters have to figure Republicans would be trying to stop all this early voting in Florida. With the excuse that some percentage of these voters won’t still be alive on election day.

 

Interesting  ‪#‎FSUvsND‬ matchup, One QB coming off a year’s suspension, another looking like he deserves one.

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President Obama today on Ebola “This is a serious disease, but we can’t give in to hysteria or fear — because that only makes it harder to get people the accurate information they need. We have to be guided by the science.” Science? Really? That’s it. Now FOX News is really convinced the President isn’t a real American.

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Spectacular. According to Texas’s new Voter ID laws, a veteran’s ID or student ID will NOT be acceptable as identification, even with photos on them. A concealed handgun license IS acceptable. Can we just let them secede NOW?

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For all those who think baseball is boring, thanks to Dwight Perry for this from Vox.com – The breakdown of a Cincinnati-New England televised NFL game on Oct 6::

. Players standing around between plays: 35.5 percent
• Commercials: 24.5 percent
• Replays: 10.7 percent
• Coach shots: 4.9 percent
• Referee shots: 3.2 percent
• Halftime: 3.2 percent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 percent
• On-screen promotions: 2 percent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 percent

Actual football being played? 8.3 percent.

A behind by any other name?

August 8, 2014

College instructors now use plagiarism software that can detect passages taken directly from the internet. So some students have taken to using “synonym swapping” to change phrases. At Middlesex University in England, however, a student was caught when he changed the words “left behind” to “sinister buttocks.”

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A judge ruled today that the NCAA is violating antitrust laws by restricting the compensation that major college football and men’s basketball athletes can receive for use of their names, images and likeness. So in the SEC and at USC, does this just mean athlete pay goes from under to on the table?

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Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby on the NCAA allowing power conferences to set their own rules. “This (vote) is about higher education.” And he said it with a straight face.

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A toddler apparently got past security and through the White House fence yesterday. He was returned safely to his parents. Though President Obama probably had a more mature interaction with the boy than he has had with Congress.

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In Missouri, the CEO of Windemere Baptist Conference center was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a dog and an unnamed other animal on Craigslist. Hmm, when some of these anti-gay marriage folks are saying it will lead to people wanting to marry their pets, are they speaking from experience?

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Putin has decided to ban imports of many foods from EU members, the US and Canada into Russia, including meat, fish, cheese, fruits and vegetables. Whiskey, on the other hand, is exempt. #priorities.

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New backup 49ers QB Blaine Gabbert had a 1.7 passer rating in his debut preseason appearance. (3 of 11 for 20 yards.) Well, Tim Tebow is available….

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Seahawks CB Tharold Simon was ejected from the team’s first pre-season game for throwing a punch at one of the Broncos. Is Simon trying to get traded to the Ravens?

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As Hurricane Iselle swept through Hawaii, many surfers took to the waves. Alas for the long term betterment of humankind, there appear to have been no Darwin Awards.

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President Obama ordered U.S. jet fighters to strike ISIS militants in Iraq. This has to be a real problem for many in the GOP. How do they criticize Obama for bombing someone?

 

 

Headline on ESPN “Team USA adds Gay to roster.” Just waiting for the first moron to scream about a homosexual agenda.

Missing Jean.

March 1, 2014

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A different sort of post today, after a memorial service for Jean Crawford, my dad’s partner of 26 years.  Since she was basically my step-mother, I can’t claim I inherited my twisted sense of humor from her. But she shared it.  And was always supportive.   A funny, fabulous woman who was with us only 67 years.

 

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And since she was more liberal than I am  – only political jokes tonight.  More sports tomorrow.

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What a scary situation with Putin’s potential invasion of the Ukraine.  Makes us long for those more innocent days when the  biggest mess in Russia was their Olympic hockey team.

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Headline “Putin-Obama relationship in deep freeze.”  This might be the frostiest interpersonal time for a U.S. President since Hillary found out about that blue dress.

 

Sarah Palin is in “Told Ya So” mode because she warned in 2008 that Obama’s reactions might lead to Putin invading Ukraine. And when asked about Crimea, Palin presumably responded, “well yeah, invading there too.”

 

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Joe Biden told an interviewer he was “given every sh*t job in the world” by Obama. Uh, isn’t “every sh*t job in the world” the Vice President’s job description?

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At least 28 people were killed by men wielding knives in China. Are they trying not to gloat too much at the NRA?

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An 8-year-old Cincinnati boy was shot and killed Saturday by one of his brothers. Police said the shooter was was playing with a loaded handgun that he thought was a BB gun.  If only the 8 year old had been armed.

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Nerd prom?

April 28, 2013

Last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Obama joked “”These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” And over at Fox News, they’re saying “See, he admits it.”

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Sarah Palin slammed the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “pathetic” and bashed the “DC assclowns” who showed up for a “nerdprom.” Translation, this year nobody invited her.

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In the 5th round of the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks selected LSU CB Tharold Simon, just two days after Simon’s arrest on disorderly conduct type charges. Guess Pete Carroll figures he should be able to handle petty criminal behavior after all those years at USC.

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You think you have a rough year at work in front of you? How about Miriam Conrad, 56, a longtime Boston public defender, who just agreed to represent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev..

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Wow, just what Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib wanted to hear from GM Jerry Reese after the NY Giants drafted him. “We have Eli in the prime of his career and you actually hope this quarterback (Nassib) never plays. We hope Eli plays for a long, long time.’’

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Matt Barkley to the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, with Zach Ertz also chosen by the team, at least the practice field should be an interesting place on the day of the USC-Stanford game.

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Hooters restaurants are trying to make themselves over as the restaurant chain hits 30. Guess management thinks things have gotten a little saggy.

 

-If the San Francisco Giants keep up their streak of errors that result in losses, think the club will have to add asterisks when they sell and auction off those so-called “game-used gloves.”

 

Former SF Giant Jonathan Sanchez was fined and suspended for six games after hitting the St. Louis Cardinals” Allen Craig with a pitch Friday. The suspension might have been longer, but those who have followed Sanchez’s career found it hard to decide absolutely that the lefty has the control to deliberately hit anybody.

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Now Metta World Peace is likely out for game 4. Will the last member of the Los Angeles Lakers to leave Staples Center please leave the lights on for the Clippers?

 

Before the Lakers head off into the sunset, this thought from Bill Littlejohn: “Dwight Howard got his 9,000th rebound, 14 days faster than Wilt Chamberlain. By the way, Wilt’s 9,000th rebound was a Knicks cheerleader recently dumped by her boyfriend.”

 

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Todd Akin, asked about his “legitimate rate” comment that cost him re-election, said “Of course you regret it. You think, ‘Well, what would it have been like if I hadn’t done that?’” Now,Akin didn’t say that he thought he was wrong, just that he regretted saying it.

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”


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