Posted tagged ‘NY Jets jokes’

If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

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Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

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Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

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It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

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Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

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Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

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A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

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At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

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There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

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MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

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Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

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It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

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The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

Nightmare Belieber and a Homecoming Queen.

January 24, 2014

Justin Bieber was arrested this morning. So congratulations to all those who had January 23 in the pool. 

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You think you had a busy day? How about all the comedians who had to dig up all their regular Lindsay Lohan jokes and had to cross her name out to insert Justin Bieber.

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American Idol finally started making their early shows more about decent singers than train wrecks. Smart move. If Americans really wanted to watch a nonstop stream of overconfident self-promoting morons with no talent they could just stick with “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

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Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “if medical experts ever say medical marijuana would help with concussions then [he] would consider allowing it.” That stampeding sound you hear is NFL players racing to report concussion symptoms.

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Today Virgin America apologized to QB Geno Smith after an incident at Los Angeles airport last week that resulted in being him kicked off a plane. Either the airline decided that the flight attendant over reacted, or they decided that playing for the NY Jets was punishment enough.

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CNN Breaking News? “Bond hearing set for 1p for Justin Bieber?” Okay, in the “be careful what you wish for department’ maybe people should have been specific when they said “Please God can we get Richard Sherman off the front page?”

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Richard Sherman appears to be on a one man crusade to see that 2nd year QB Russell Wilson will have ZERO reporters interviewing him, and asking constantly about how he feels about going up against Peyton Manning.

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Eli Manning is apparently giving tips to his brother Peyton on how to play in MetLife Stadium. And that local knowledge worked out so well for the Giants this year….

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A Seahawks fan in Washington chose 4pm, Feb. 2 for her wedding,, figuring that 2-2 would be an easy anniversary for her husband to remember. The wedding will go on, albeit with TVs at the reception, and no doubt guests checking their phones during the ceremony. Well, at least this is the kind of thing brides no longer have to worry about in Dallas.

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On Super Bowl Sunday the NFL will not allow taxis and limousines to drop people off at or near Met Life Stadium. So for those without one of the few thousand parking places the only options are NJ Transit Trains, or Express Buses from one of several locations in the Manhattan area. Except that the bus tickets can only be purchased AT LEAST a day in advance, not on game day. What could possibly go wrong here?

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TC, on the impending divorce of the Captain and Tennille.  “So much for “Love Will Keep Us Together”. Guess Toni figured it was finally time to “Shop Around”.

Not so dearly departed.

January 18, 2014

The Minneapolis Metrodome was deflated for the last time today, as a precursor to being demolished next week. “I’m really going to miss that place,” said absolutely nobody.

 

Meanwhile, Candlestick Park awaits its own demolition, probably later this year. But if they really want to give the place a fitting sendoff, perhaps the NHL might schedule there the Summer version of the Winter Classic?

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Houston’s mayor Annise Parker, has wedded her longtime partner, Kathy Hubbard, in California. Texas law still prohibits gay marriage. But it’s okay to shoot each other.

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Some talk that the French are becoming less tolerant because there is a fair bit of controversy over President Hollande’s relationship issues. My sense, not exactly…. but the French understand that their leaders are supposed to have affairs, not leave the First Lady over them….

 

 

“The Bachelor”, Juan Pablo Galavais, is apologizing for saying he didn’t like the idea of a gay or bisexual Bachelor because it would set a “bad example for children to watch” and that homosexuals are “pervert(ed).” He attributed the comments to a English as a 2nd language issue. But Juan Pablo was half-right, the Bachelor is a bad example for children to watch.

 

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New Vanderbilt coach Derek Mason says he wants the Commodores to someday play for the Southeastern Conference championship. Making me think that he left Stanford with a prescription for medical marijuana.

 

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For the first time in 28 years the Jamaican bobsled team has qualified for the Winter Olympics. Standby for fun, and for sled driver Winston Watt, 46, screaming “You punks get off my run.”

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Geno Smith was involved in a dispute with a Virgin America flight attendant, allegedly over cellphones, and kicked off the plane. So much for all those who said the New York Jets wouldn’t be relevant in the postseason.

(My friend Jon N says “Looks like Geno’s got to focus on his ground game.”)

 

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CNN reported that 66 out of more than 2,500 passengers on a four day Royal Caribbean Cruise to the Bahamas and Key West became sick with gastrointestinal issues- vomiting and diarrhea. Norovirus is suspected. But okay, 66 out of 2,500? Have to wonder how many of those folks have symptoms due to oversampling of the local beverages

The Royal not always known as Prince?

September 8, 2013

Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.

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A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.

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Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison

 

-115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s  almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.

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Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.

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Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”

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From T.C.   “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”

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Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”

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With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted  NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.

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Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….

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Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.

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NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.

Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

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Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

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The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

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Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.'”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

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Decision time.

August 26, 2013

Going to be a tough call for what to do with Syria. But the GOP is certain; whatever President Obama decides will be wrong.

 

The Buffalo Bills signed Matt Leinart to add QB depth. Giving a whole new NFL fan base the opportunity to be disappointed by an ex-USC quarterback.

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In some ways, Matt Barkley was precocious.   A  star USC QB who started disappointing fans before he turned pro.

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 Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal on “Meet the Press” denounced some in his own party, saying “Let’s not talk about impeachment. Let’s actually talk about the policy we disagree with.” Wow. Is Jindal trying to be so reasonable he gets kicked out of the GOP?

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Taylor Swift was caught on camera mouthing STFU towards ex-boyfriend Harry Styles at the VMA awards Sunday night. Can understand her animosity, but at this rate, Taylor’s going to have a hard time finding someone at these award shows who ISN’T an ex.

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Does Taylor Swift go on Match.com and put as her number one criteria “Must be good songwriting material for after our breakup?

 

The Mets are out of it, the Yankees are barely in the playoff picture, and Mark Sanchez gets injured in a game where Geno Smith stunk. No pressure now, Eli. And how about those Knicks?

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How embarrassing could Rex Ryan’s decision to put Mark Sanchez in in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game turn out to be?

If it turns out Sanchez is out for a while and Smith is as big of a dud as he looked like Saturday, Ryan may start saying to the media “Enough. Isn’t it time for you to ask me about my foot fetish?”

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The Arizona D’backs beat the Philadelphia Phillies last night in an 18 inning game that lasted 7 hours. 7 hours? Are we sure the Red Sox and Yankees weren’t involved?

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz said today that he is “not convinced” that President Barack Obama himself wouldn’t defund Obamacare if Congress gave him the opportunity to do so. And up in Canada they’re thinking “Thank God he’s not one of ours anymore.”

 

Well at least ESPN is consistent. Headline from the Barclay’s tournament this weekend “Tiger Woods finishes tied for 2nd.” Gosh, did someone actually win the thing?

 

A Chicago Cubs batting weight was spotted today in the Pirates’ on deck circle today in San Francisco. Hmm, is that the reason Pittsburgh was shut out by the Giants?

 

-Serious thought:  The minimum age to be charged with a crime in Louisiana is 10, so an 8 year old boy who shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver with her own gun was released to his parents. If we can’t change gun ownership laws, could we at least adopt the British rule of REQUIRING guns to be locked in a safe place – a gun cabinet or a safe? (And yes, British police can inspect to make sure this is done.)

Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

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Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

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Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

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Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

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-Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

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Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

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In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

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A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

-Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

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The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?


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