Posted tagged ‘NY Jets jokes’

Oh brother.

December 16, 2014

Jeb Bush says he is “actively exploring” a presidential bid after talking with his family over Thanksgiving. So is he serious about running, or just trying to prove he can use bigger words than his brother?

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A source says Sen. Marco Rubio will run for President in 2016, even if Jeb Bush also runs. Two candidates from Florida in one national election. Even Jewish late-night talk show hosts are thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Some stories almost don’t need a punchline, but… NY Jets CB Josh Thomas tweeted that his playbook has been stolen. 1. The Jets HAVE a playbook? 2. The thief when caught will be tested for insanity.

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The Chargers decided they will not relocate in 2015. In a statement “The team will not be exercising the lease termination clause and will keep working to find a publicly acceptable way to build a Super Bowl-quality stadium in San Diego.” Of course, what fans really want is a Super Bowl-quality TEAM in San Diego.

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Meanwhile, once again, rumors are that Sunday could be the Raiders last game in Oakland. And many fans are thinking “Promise?”

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A new poll by Men’s and Women’s Health found that only 37% of men and 48% of women think it’s cheating to have a Tinder account. So your chance of accidentally finding your significant other also online are better than you think.

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It is wrong to take pleasure in the suffering of others. Nonetheless, this one’s for my fellow ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans: The LA ‪#‎Dodgers‬ DFA Brian Wilson, and will eat his $9.5 million contract.

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Jay Gruden has been told he will return as Washington’s coach next year. Translation, Dan Snyder can’t find anyone else to take over that mess.

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The newest Heisman winner appeared on David Letterman last night and read “Top 10 thoughts that went through Marcus Mariota’s mind when he won the Heisman Trophy.” You can tell the Oregon QB is from the Pac 12. He can count to 10.

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman, lowering expectations for A-Rod during an interview today “I can’t expect Alex to be anything.” Oh, I don’t know. A magnet for tabloid headlines seems a pretty sure bet.

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In New Jersey, three elementary school teachers have been suspended and will probably be fired for having what they thought was a private email chat where they referred to their “moron” special needs students. Seems like the real morons here are any adults, not only for their insensitivity, but for thinking that in this day and age any emails are truly private.

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Larry J. Cano, 90, has died,He founded El Torito restaurant, the first big U.S. Mexican food chain. In his honor, millions of Americans will toast with a sugary slushy margarita that few people in Mexico would recognize..

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#‎whythereisnosatire‬ Ted Cruz apologized today to other GOP Senators for keeping them in D.C. last Saturday: “The senator acknowledged that a number of his colleagues had to unexpectedly change their weekend plans, and he apologized to them for inconveniencing their personal schedules,”

Ah, shutting down the government and, causing all kinds of people not to be paid, that’s not a problem, but “inconveniencing personal schedules” of mostly millionaires, that Cruz feels bad about. ….

 

 

Behaving badly?

December 5, 2014

George W.s’ daughter Jenna Bush Hager said in response to a question about her possibly fooling around in the White House: “You know maybe there was a little hanky-panky. There was like maybe a kiss on the roof.” Just guessing there won’t be any congressional aides telling Jenna to “show a little class.”

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ESPN headline “Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth.” 11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18 man field.

 

Eagles coach Chip Kelly, dismissing rumors he might jump back to the NCAA. “I don’t think our pro offense would work at the college level.”. So how much did his Oregon Ducks get paid anyway?

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A baby was born in Colorado that weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz. LSU coach Les Miles was about to offer the kid a scholarship until he learned it was a girl.

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It’s been reported that Warren Buffett donated $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a Super PAC supporting Clinton for President. With all due respect, isn’t that about Buffet’s average income from a single one of his accounts for 15 seconds?

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Rand Paul is blaming Eric Garner’s death on the high NYC cigarette tax, because he says it’s driven cigarettes underground and “put our police in a dangerous situation with bad laws.” By that token how many deaths is he going to blame on drug and prostitution laws?

 

 

Ryan Leaf has just been released from a Montana prison after two years. Over-under on how long it takes him to get a call from the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

 

The Washington Post is reporting that coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3. Still another option for the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

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UAB – (University of Alabama – Birmingham), is eliminating football. Because we all know the state of Alabama doesn’t have enough money to waste on the sport….

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The Florida Gators have hired Jim McElwain from Colorado State with a reported 6 year contract. The deal includes a $7.5 million buyout, and $2 million for a future game that CSU will play in Gainesville. Given Gator fans’ expectations let’s hope McElwain is around long enough for that game.

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Rumor has it that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are interested again in Melky Cabrera. So guess they’re done crying over spilled melk?

 

 

So Anna Duggar, 26, “reality show star”, is pregnant with her fourth child in 6 years of marriage and it is “trending.” This is news because the young woman herself is famous for no other reason than that she married into a family with 19 children…. ‪#‎Beammeupscottythereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

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From T.C.  – one for my male readers –  “Pizza Hut is testing digital technology with an app that can predict what you will order by scanning where your eyes are looking at when you analyze their ‘electronic tablet menu’. Of course, it would always conclude that I want the waitress with the biggest boobs.”

A sight to behold?

December 3, 2014

In England, George Clooney made an appearance on Downton Abbey for charity.

Women get it. To explain this concept to men, this is the equivalent of NFL football with naked cheerleaders.

 

Boston’s Mass General Hospital is treating a possible Ebola patient. But of course, this isn’t making major headlines – since the November election is over.

 

Go figure this targeted FB ad, from Walmart, suggesting that you “not miss a minute of the 49ers game” with Walmart grocery delivery. What do they target supposed Oakland fans with? “Come stand in line at our stores and you don’t have to watch the Raiders game.”?

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#‎BlackFriday‬ sales were down, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬ sales weren’t up as much as expected. Uh, maybe because the ‪#‎smallbusinessSaturday‬ and ‪#‎GivingTuesday‬ and the extended everything sales have made Americans think they’d be idiots to buy early?

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The NFL is not apologizing for the St. Louis Rams players who came out with their hands up before Sunday’s game. The league presumably is still deciding whether they need to apologize for the play of the Raiders.

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The underachieving ‪#‎SF49ers‬ are playing the simply awful ‪#‎oaklandraiders‬ this Sunday. Can we dub this the Grumpy Bowl?

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Michigan is apparently firing coach Brady Hoke after a 5-7 season. The Wolverines really now might be a particularly good fit for Jim Harbaugh. If the situation you’re coming into is bad enough, no one cares if you’re an a**hole.

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After security lines at Chicago’s Midway Airport stretched over a mile Sunday morning, TSA now said they made a mistake. They opened checkpoints at 4:00am, but due to the holiday, ticket counters had opened at 3:30am. Sort of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their ability to catch bad guys.

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Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott just revealed that he is gay and married to his partner of 28 years. Who knew, an ump turns out to be braver than the players.

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NY Jets WR Eric Decker’s wife Jessie says her husband has been “depressed about the team’s season. And season ticket holders are thinking “HE’S depressed? We’re the ones paying to watch this sh*t.”

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Rain has hit the San Francisco Bay Area so hard and fast that most networks have barely had time to have their reporters covering the drought over to “Stormwatch.”

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Senator Rob Portman said yesterday he will not run for President in 2016. And most Americans said “Who?”

Not so silent majority.

November 6, 2014

Mitch McConnell claims that after last night’s election “The Senate is going to go back to work and actually pass legislation.” And somewhere Ted Cruz is just giggling.

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So how long until Mitch McConnell figures out that it is now his circus AND his monkeys? ‪#‎Election2014‬

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Sounds like I posted too soon on the 2014 election fundraising emails ending. Just got the first asking for money for a recount. ‪#‎itneverends‬

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Chris Christie says he will make a decision “sometime next year” on running for President. Well, not sure if he can beat Hillary Clinton. But Christie is proving to be her equal in being disingenuous.

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You think it didn’t matter if you voted? Right now the candidates vying for the last seat on Palo Alto City Council, candidates with very different views and “slates”, are separated by about 30 votes. In a city of almost 60,000 people.

 

 

Alex Rodriguez reportedly paid a cousin $1 million to keep quiet about his PED use. Well, that money worked out to be as good a value as the last few years of A-Rod’s own Yankees contract.

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Alfonso Soriano says he is retiring from major league baseball. Most fans are shocked. Soriano hadn’t ALREADY retired?

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November 5 was  one of TWO National Doughnut Days. The other is the first Friday in June. Figures, not like Americans could stop at just one doughnut anything.

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A small plane with the banner “Fire John Idzik!” circled the NY Jets’ practice field for a short time this morning. Then the plane was presumably intercepted by another plane.

 

Ah, the holiday season is upon us. A Nebraska woman was arrested and charged with two felonies for allegedly hitting a fellow Wal-Mart shopper with her PT Cruiser last weekend, because the person took her parking spot in the lot.

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And no doubt many of these parents voted. A Louisville TV station is reporting a local teacher resigned when her Catholic school requested she take a precautionary 21-day leave AND produce a health note from her doctor, because parents raised concerns about her mission trip to Kenya. (Kenya is 3000 miles from West Africa)

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So according to her attorney the mother of Adrian Peterson’s son is happy with the plea deal and doesn’t want his career to be harmed by the child abuse case. Well, yeah, if for no other reason than she wants her child support.

 

The CMA awards tonight pre-empted ABC’s comedy “Blackish.” And co-host Brad Paisley said “If you were looking for Black-ish tonight, yeah, this ain’t it. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy White-ish.” African Americans might have been offended. IF any of them had been watching the CMAs.

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Mark Sanchez says he is excited about his first start for the Eagles, which will be on next week’s MNF. Many Americans are excited too, some to see the Panthers win big, some to see Sanchez lead Philadelphia to a big win, and most just hoping to see another butt fumble.

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Newly elected Utah congresswoman Mia Love is a major rising star in the Republican party. with her anti-immigrant, anti-birthright citizenship and anti-welfare stances. The daughter of Haitian immigrants, however, also said in 2011, “My parents have always told me I was a miracle and our family’s ticket to America.” Love has also said her parents came on a tourist visa and stayed.

Makes sense she’s a GOP star. She’s proving a woman of color can be as much a hypocrite as a white man.

Are you not ready for some football?

November 4, 2014

An increasing number of ‪#‎NFL‬ teams seem to be playing like they’re auditioning for ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬

 

 

#‎NYGiants‬ new slogan? “We s*ck less than the ‪#‎NYJets‬.

 

 

Interesting matchup next Sunday. The ‪#‎SF49ers‬, who after their start are furious at now being 4-4. Against the ‪#‎Saints‬, who after their start are thrilled to be 4-4.

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#‎NYJets‬ have a bye week. Which means that ‪#‎GenoSmith‬ will be about as productive as usual on fantasy teams.

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A last thought about ‪#‎SF49ers‬ goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. ‪#‎whatmebitter‬

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Carmelo Anthony says that the Knicks are over last year’s “bad energy.” So that means NY is ready to create some new bad energy.?

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A last thought about ‪#‎SF49ers‬ goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. ‪#‎whatmebitter‬

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Berkeley students are circulating a petition to get the university to cancel Bill Maher’s appearance at commencement. And somewhere the 1964 founders of the “Free Speech Movement” are weeping. Or they should be.

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A couple was actually married on a Southwest flight from Nashville to Dallas this weekend. Wonder if all was well until the bride reclined her seat into his and the groom filed for divorce?

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Red Lobster, which had added non-seafood items in hopes of attracting customers who didn’t like fish, is jettisoning some of those new dishes and adding more lobster. Makes sense. Because for those wanting mediocre chain food that isn’t seafood, the market is pretty saturated.

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Governor Jerry Brown is expected to win re-election handily tomorrow, despite having barely campaigned at all. Of course, one reason Brown might be so popular as that Californians haven’t seen him nonstop campaigning and running television ads.

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  –  ” Kenyan runners Wilson Kipsang and Mary Keitany won the NYC marathon. Upon crossing the finish line, Chris Christie ordered them to shut up as he and Andrew Cuomo threw them into quarantine tents.”

If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

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Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

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Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

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It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

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Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

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Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

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A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

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At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

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There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

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MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

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Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

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It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

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The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

Nightmare Belieber and a Homecoming Queen.

January 24, 2014

Justin Bieber was arrested this morning. So congratulations to all those who had January 23 in the pool. 

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You think you had a busy day? How about all the comedians who had to dig up all their regular Lindsay Lohan jokes and had to cross her name out to insert Justin Bieber.

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American Idol finally started making their early shows more about decent singers than train wrecks. Smart move. If Americans really wanted to watch a nonstop stream of overconfident self-promoting morons with no talent they could just stick with “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

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Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “if medical experts ever say medical marijuana would help with concussions then [he] would consider allowing it.” That stampeding sound you hear is NFL players racing to report concussion symptoms.

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Today Virgin America apologized to QB Geno Smith after an incident at Los Angeles airport last week that resulted in being him kicked off a plane. Either the airline decided that the flight attendant over reacted, or they decided that playing for the NY Jets was punishment enough.

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CNN Breaking News? “Bond hearing set for 1p for Justin Bieber?” Okay, in the “be careful what you wish for department’ maybe people should have been specific when they said “Please God can we get Richard Sherman off the front page?”

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Richard Sherman appears to be on a one man crusade to see that 2nd year QB Russell Wilson will have ZERO reporters interviewing him, and asking constantly about how he feels about going up against Peyton Manning.

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Eli Manning is apparently giving tips to his brother Peyton on how to play in MetLife Stadium. And that local knowledge worked out so well for the Giants this year….

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A Seahawks fan in Washington chose 4pm, Feb. 2 for her wedding,, figuring that 2-2 would be an easy anniversary for her husband to remember. The wedding will go on, albeit with TVs at the reception, and no doubt guests checking their phones during the ceremony. Well, at least this is the kind of thing brides no longer have to worry about in Dallas.

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On Super Bowl Sunday the NFL will not allow taxis and limousines to drop people off at or near Met Life Stadium. So for those without one of the few thousand parking places the only options are NJ Transit Trains, or Express Buses from one of several locations in the Manhattan area. Except that the bus tickets can only be purchased AT LEAST a day in advance, not on game day. What could possibly go wrong here?

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TC, on the impending divorce of the Captain and Tennille.  “So much for “Love Will Keep Us Together”. Guess Toni figured it was finally time to “Shop Around”.


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