Posted tagged ‘Notre Dame jokes’

If the shoe hits?

April 12, 2014

The woman who killed her boyfriend with a stiletto heel has been sentenced to life in prison. Any possibility of parole will no doubt contain the condition of wearing flats.

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Notre Dame has finally decided to install artificial Fieldturf in their football stadium for the upcoming season.. Standby for alums writing op-eds about how the Fighting Irish now have the best artificial turf ever.

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The Tampa Bay Lightning’s Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning on charges of DUI and possession of cocaine. Who says hockey players aren’t big time pro athletes?

 

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The Texas judge who decided to put the “affluenza” teen in rehab instead of jail, decided his parents should pay $1170 a month for his treatment at a state hospital, using the hospital’s sliding scale. The actual cost, $715 a day. The state will pay the rest. Where’s Ted Cruz screaming about healthcare costs to taxpayers on this one?

 

Chad Johnson is working out for the CFL Montreal Alouettes. Will he change his name to “Quatre-vingt cinq?”

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Although the Boston Red Sox challenged a call Saturday, and multiple replays showed the NY runner had taken his foot off second base and should have been out, the umps did not overturn it. MLB’s response “The conclusive angle was not immediately available.” Uh, two thoughts. 1. What’s the point if you DON’T have the “conclusive angle available.” 2. Suppose it’s better than saying. “You REALLY expect us to overturn a call against the Yankees?”

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Sylvia Mathews Burwell was approved by a 96-0 vote in the Senate last year as the Office of Management and Budget director. But now many in the GOP are talking about a contentious confirmation process for her as HHS Secretary. Why? Because Obama chose her, of course. Isn’t that reason enough?

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Ted Cruz said Sylvia Mathews Burwell’s confirmation hearing “presents an ideal opportunity to examine the failures that are Obamacare.” With all due respect, Senator Cruz thinks getting up in the morning presents an ideal opportunity to example the “failures” that are Obamacare.

 

 

The search goes on, but the pings have apparently faded in the Indian Ocean as the search for MH 370. Which is probably why amongst the CNN headlines today was “Hundreds sickened on cruise ships .”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “One man at the Masters saw Rory McIlroy’s face  in a pastry and bet $1,600 on the golfer.   It’s also one of the few times John Daly’s face wasn’t seen in a pastry”

 

Not faster than a speeding patrol car?

December 29, 2013

Yasiel Puig was arrested this morning on a reckless driving charge for driving 110 mph on Alligator Alley (I-75) in Florida. (Puig had similar charges dismissed earlier this year by doing community service.) Women are thinking “110 mph. Wow. he’s going to get hurt or kill someone.” Men are thinking “110 mph. Wow. Wonder what he drives?”

 

One good thing for the Dodgers to come out of Puig’s arrest today in Florida. At least they know that with Los Angeles traffic there’s no way to get up to 110 mph anywhere near Dodger Stadium.

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Not faster than a speeding cheetah either…. an animal Darwin award:   A wild deer, presumably from nearby Rock Creek Park, apparently jumped into the cheetah enclosure at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. A spokeswoman called the result “a normal and expected reaction.” (And presumably a savings in this week’s meat bill.) The zoo added that there were no witnesses, other than the cheetahs.

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Notre Dame RB George Atkinson was suspended from the Pinstripe Bowl, and tweeted “For those of you who are wondering I was suspended from today’s game for texting friends and family during team meal.” The tweet was then deleted. Wonder how long he’ll be suspended for posting it….

(although for much of the game against Rutgers, which ended up 29-16 but was close in the first half, most of the Fighting Irish looked as if they wished they had been suspended.)

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Wonder if Atkinson thought about the excuse of texting a dying girlfriend?

 

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Marijuana will be legal in Colorado in three days. Talk about High Holy Days…

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A couple from Andalusia, AL just named their newborn daughter Krimson Tyde. Going to be ugly if she grows up and goes to Auburn.

(My friend Michael D. suggests, why not just call her Menstrual Flo and get it over with?)

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended Andrew Bynum for “conduct detrimental to the team.” And fans of the 6-23 Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Can you do that to the whole team?”

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Police arrested a Charleston, SC woman for domestic abuse after she allegedly injured her husband by hitting and stabbing him with a ceramic squirrel. Apparently she was angry that he came home Christmas Eve without the beer she had sent him to buy. Wonder if the couple had moved to Charleston from Florida?

 

Southwest Airlines announced they are pulling out of Key West, Branson and Jackson on June 6, 2014. Translation, other airlines are raising their fares to those cities June 7, 2014.

Perfect fit?

December 7, 2013

Notre Dame, 8-4, has accepted an offer to play in the Pinstripe Bowl. So Yankee Stadium will end up hosting a big name, big money team with a national reputation that has underachieved this year. Local fans should feel right at home.

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Urban Meyer says he has decided not to start Marcus Hall after he was ejected from the Michigan game and flipped off the crowd. And the OSU coach said he was “very, very disappointed” in Hall’s actions. So over-under on how many plays the offensive lineman will miss?

 

 

Sorry Northern Illinois. But you really shouldn’t be in a BCS bowl when you lose big to a school whose initials aren’t even recognizable on the ESPN feed.   (BGSU  — Bowling Green State University.)

 

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In the midst of all of the doom and gloom stories on the news, finally some good news for millions of Americans: “Family Guy”s Brian the dog is reportedly coming back from the dead.

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The U.S got Ghana, Portugal and Germany in their World Cup group draw. Which means that Americans who only pay attention to soccer every few years will probably be able to get back to ignoring the sport sooner..

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Will any country who doesn’t think they are in a World Cup “Group of Death” please stand up.

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The Texas have fired coach Gary Kubiak after an 11-game losing streak. Well, based on Houston’s level of play in 2013 maybe Kubiak can get a short-term minor bowl gig with one of these college teams whose coaches have moved on?

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Michael Mina is going to open a bar-restaurant at the new SF 49ers stadium. Makes sense. Because when you’ve paid $1000 for a pair of tickets, that $30 glass of Cabernet is going to seem like a bargain.

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Journey’s Neal Schon will marry DC ‘Real Housewife’ and White House party-crasher Michaele Salahi Dec. 15 in San Francisco on Pay-Per-View. His fifth marriage, her second. Sounds perfect for all those who find “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” just a bit too intellectual.

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Robinson Cano to the Mariners $240 million. With the added bonus of no playoff pressure.

(My friend Marty Burtwell thinks he’ll be stranded on base so often he should change his name to Robinson Crusoe.)

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Apparently there were no fatalities but 15 people were injured when an elderly woman drove her car into a Long Island, NY Trader Joe’s this afternoon. Hoping everyone recovers quickly, and if she hit any wine that it was only “Two-Buck Chuck.”

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A friend wanted to know why I didn’t make any Carlos Beltran Yankees age jokes tonight. Simple. Compared to Derek Jeter Carlos is a mere child.

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Convicted wife-killer Martin MacNeill unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide in his Utah cell. It’s a real shame that some of these a**holes who are into murder-suicide don’t reverse the order of their attempts.

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Whatever you thought of “the Sound of Music Live”, got to give Carrie Underwood props for guts, and making more headlines than most entertainers make without getting arrested.

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Got a bit confused with the Sound of Music too. I don’t remember Captain von Trapp marrying Heidi.

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This is getting to be like a limbo dance – how low can they go? Rick Santorum: “Nelson Mandela stood up against a great injustice.” And then he compared Mandela’s struggle to the GOP fight against “great injustice going on right now in this country, with an ever-increasing size of government that is taking over and controlling people’s lives. And Obamacare is front and center in that.”

Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

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Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

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The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

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Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.’”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

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More madness….

March 22, 2013

Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”

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The “Catholic 7″   founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown,  Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul.  And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.

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For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.

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A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”

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If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….

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A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?

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Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.

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A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.

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Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.

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Meanwhile, UCLA  continued their best  efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.

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In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards.  Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.

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NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom,  or “Girls Gone Wild?”

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A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.

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From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”

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The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.

And you’re out.

March 16, 2013

So with the USA bounced out of the World Baseball Classic does that mean we need to put an asterisk on “World Series Champions?”

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The Dominican Republic is doing so well in the WBC that the Yankees are trying to figure out if there is any way to buy the team.  Or as my friend Jim Barach says, maybe just buy the entire country.

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So will a silver lining of this USA World Baseball Classic loss mean that the U.S. will finally get around to declaring Puerto Rico the 51st state?

One good thing about Notre Dame’s day-glo basketball uniforms. They make the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms look positively restrained.

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And as the Irish discovered tonight in their 69 to 57 loss to Louisville.  It’s not always easy being green.

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Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Cancun, six people were killed and five were wounded when two masked men shot up a bar. And Carnival Cruise Lines said “See, it could be worse.”

Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won.

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Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was actually born in Canada. So when are we going to see conservative critics talking about his un-American vision?

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And wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Ohio senator Rob Portman’s new support of gay marriage, are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives?

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In a speech to CPAC, Donald Trump criticized many in the the GOP, and added that immigration reform could be a “suicide mission” for Republicans. Though what the Donald is really unhappy about is that the party didn’t undertake the suicide mission of nominating him for President.

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Quote of the day: “In our country today, if you’re born poor, if your parents didn’t go to college, if you don’t know your father, if English isn’t spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II,” So is it time to switch parties for the speaker? His name – Jeb Bush.

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Seacrest out?  .

Ryan Seacrest 38, and Julianne Hough. 24,  are not only not getting married, they’ve apparently broken up after two years together. . Well, that ought to do wonders for the gay rumors?

Love Story for our time?

January 19, 2013

Having a fake girlfriend means never having to say you’re sorry.

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How quickly things can change. Was it only last week that the most talked about story involving a college football player and his girlfriend involved Brent Musberger?

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So someday will they make a documentary about this Subway Footlong controversy, and name it “Jared and the Angry Inch?”

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Cincinnati lineman Andre Smith was arrested Friday and charged with carrying a loaded gun at Atlanta’s airport. Well even though they are out of the playoffs, good to see that the Bengals are keeping in mid-season form.

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Regarding this latest NFL player caught with a loaded handgun at the airport: women may carry purses and have no idea of everything that’s inside them… but we don’t tend to forget things like a loaded .380 pistol.

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Private gun sales are being banned at a North Carolina gun show after three people were injured in an accidental shooting involving a 12-gauge shotgun. Waiting for the NRA to demand armed guards at gun shows

 

 

As we head into Inaugural weekend, the Dow and S&P 500 finished the week at their highest levels since December 2007. I blame Obama.

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The NHL opens their strike-shortened season tonight. Responded most Americans – “did we miss something?” -

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In a recent Gallup poll, 75% of Americans said they would vote for term limits for the House and Senate. About the same percentage who vote to re-elect their own members of Congress.

 

The SF 49ers’ Michael Crabtree is being questioned in a sexual assault case. Where’s a fantasy girlfriend when you need one?

 

With all these hoaxes going around has anyone checked to make sure if the Washington Wizards really won that road game against the Denver Nuggets Thursday?

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Earl Weaver passed away Saturday morning at the age of 82. Wonder who he’ll be kicking dirt on in heaven tonight?

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Hard as it might be for the younger generation to understand, Stan Musial became an icon without ever appearing on SportsCenter.

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from my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  ” How annoying was Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”? If Nicki Minaj was Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend, he would have broken up with her before she died.”

 

Fantasy football?

January 17, 2013

A Notre Dame Heisman candidate with a fake dead girlfriend…. As my friend Michael Santos says “Manti Teo, everyone’s favorite fantasy pick…”   -

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A rout MIGHT have been expected, but okay, with this year’s BCS National Championship, who predicted that the Alabama football program could also end up on the higher moral ground?

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And here most people thought the 2013 BCS game was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to Notre Dame football.   -

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November 30, 2013. Notre Dame vs. Stanford football in Palo Alto. Wonder if the the Stanford Band has already been warned “Don’t even DREAM of a dead girlfriend show…”

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American Idol started tonight. Which will be a nice diversion for Americans tired of watching Congress – aka American Idle.

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While a Southern California teacher lost her appeal over being fired for previous acting in porn films, up in Northern California, a police officer arrested when he was caught naked in a Motel 6 with a prostitute still has his job. What a country.

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Alex Rodriguez underwent successful hip surgery today. With an average 6-month recovery time the Yankees slugger expects to be back in plenty of time to do nothing in the playoffs.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “The Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job.”

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I’m thinking maybe Lance can pay them back by sharing some of his stuff. Because if any government agency needs PEDs..

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All this commotion about Lance Armstrong… Think how much better his reputation would be in the long run if years ago he just came out and said “Yeah, I doped, you couldn’t find a cyclist who didn’t. But I was the only one who did it after surviving cancer.”

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This Lance Armstrong circus coming on the heels of the Baseball Hall of Fame vote is making me long for the innocence of pro wrestling.

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Talk show host Michael Savage says you shouldn’t get a flu shot, because the government can’t be trusted. And presumably when you get sick you shouldn’t go to any doctor who went to public school or got his/her MD from a state university?

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ESPN reports that after USC lost to Georgia 21-7 in the Sun Bowl a “flat-out brawl” broke out in the team’s locker room. The brawl probably featured the Trojans hitting hard than they did in the game.

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Chip Kelly is very optimistic about his new job in Philadelphia. The new Eagles coach even figures by his second season he will finally have a team good enough to beat Alabama.

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Philadelphia fans are excited about getting Chip Kelly. Stanford fans are pretty pleased too!

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Kim Kardashian said on the Today Show that her pregnancy was a “pleasant surprise” because of her “fertility issues.” Gosh, so she was struggling to conceive all 72 days of her marriage?

BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.’”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Winning?

November 25, 2012

Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.

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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?

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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.

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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”

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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.

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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.

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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?

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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.

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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?”   (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish)  Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.

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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….

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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.

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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)

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Feeling their pain.

October 14, 2012

This might be the one and ONLY time in my life I show some sympathy for the NY Yankees. Because I remember a May 2011 game when the SF Giants were down 4 runs, came back to tie it up, and lost the heart and soul of their team to an extra-innings injury.    OK, I am done with the sympathy now.

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Yankees fans are particularly upset by the injury. ..more than a few wishing it could have been A-Rod?

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Okay, SF Giants fans didn’t hate TBS/Fox before…. they just said that the Yankees are the best team in the American League. and the CARDINALS are the best team in the National League. Put this quote up over the entrance to A T and T Park.

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But an  open note to all SF Giants fans who have bitched about the team’s lack of a genuine closer…… in Detroit now as in Washington, D.C., fans are saying “Oh STFU.”

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Although if Friday night wasn’t bad enough, some Nationals fans got an email Saturday with an exclusive offer to buy World Series tickets.

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Clearly President Obama should have issued an executive order barring the Nationals from shutting down Stephen Strasburg.

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So which enterprising Stanford student will come up with the t-shirt saying “Stanford 25, ND 20 in overtime?” (Including those two touchdowns the refs missed.)

Did they ship the replacement refs to South Bend?

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Considering how that NLDS went against the Reds, wonder if the SF Giants asked MLB if they could decline home field advantage for the NLCS against the Cardinals?

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At Rupp Arena last night, Kentucky raised their 2012 national championship banner. With coach John Calipari they have to raise those things fast in case they get vacated.

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Was Derek Jeter’s injury Saturday night God’s way of saying Nate McLouth’s ball just might have hit the foul pole Friday?

To theology and beyond?

February 22, 2012

Mitt Romney’s latest speech Tuesday night said that the Obama adminstration has “fought against religion.” Rick Santorum’s talking about phony ideology, and Newt Gingrich is zealously defending his new Catholicism. Are we electing a President or a Pope?

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Rick Santorum is talking about President Obama’s “phony theology not based on the Bible.” Leaving aside Thomas Jefferson’s words about a “wall of separation between Church and State”, what’s Santorum’s nostalgic ideal of a Bible based theology… Salem?

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Randy Pullen, a top Mitt Romney supporter and former Arizona GOP chair, is urging Romney to change course to win over conservatives. Really? If Mitt changes course any faster and more often he may qualify for the U.S. Olympic slalom team.

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Say what? While campaigning today GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “labor unions play an important role in our society.” In Michigan. Can’t imagine how Mitt ever got reputation for pandering.

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600 children were sent back to class after star football recruit Davonte Neal was a no-show at an assembly at his former elementary school, where he was expected to announce his college choice. Neal announced hours later for Notre Dame. Presumably for the school’s strong values and sense of personal responsibility?

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Portland center Greg Oden just had his THIRD microfracture knee surgery. Only good news for the Trail Blazers, this one might be covered by medicare.

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Brady Quinn is denying his anti-Tebow comments quoted in GQ magazine – things like “We’ve had a lot of, I guess, luck,” and that when he gets an opportunity “he’ll continue to lead not by trying to get in front of the camera and praying but by praying with my teammates.” Can’t imagine how Notre Dame grads get the reputation for being poor sports who think the world revolves around them.

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Paul Babeu, the conservative anti-immigration Arizona sheriff who’s come out as a gay man amidst a scandal with an ex-lover, is now publicly backing “marriage equality.” Good for him. But wonder how long it would have taken had Babeu still been in the closet and co-chair of Mitt Romney’s Arizona campaign.

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Franklin Graham, son of Billy, questioned whether President Obama was a Christian again this morning, but said of Gingrich, he “been married several times… but he could make a good candidate. I think Newt is a Christian. At least he told me he is.” Uh, yeah, Franklin, and Newt has also told three women “until death do us part.”

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President Obama was thinking of wishing people happy Mardi Gras Tuesday. But no doubt one of his GOP opponents would accuse him of promoting a foreign agenda.

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Actually, forget Thanksgiving, the way we are growing, Fat Tuesday really is the ultimate American holiday.

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Police had to use pepper spray on a belligerent man at Disneyland this past weekend. Wow. Previously in the parks pepper spray has only been used as a threat by people whose relatives wanted to go on “It’s a Small World” just ONE more time.

Higher math?

March 21, 2011

For anyone who thinks basketball players don’t need to go to class, Texas proved today it is nonetheless a good idea that they at least learn enough math to know how to count to five. 

Or at least enough history to remember what happened to Chris Webber when he forgot that too.

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Seminoles 71 – Fighting Irish 57. This news upset Notre Dame alums, residents of South Bend, IN, Gainesville, FL and approximately no one else.

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#11 seed Marquette over #3 seed Syracuse. One overrated Big East team knocks off another overrated Big East team.

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“Boilermaker” – a drink consisting of a beer chaser and a shot of tequila, whiskey or vodka. And what sports fans will be drinking tonight who had Purdue into the Elite Eight.

A T & T is now buying T-Mobile. And the new company will encompass the former Pacific Bell, SBC (Southern Bell) and about half the other original Bell companies. So just how big does A T & T have to get before the government breaks them up again?

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My favorite current factoid from the 2011 NCAA tournament: As we await the Sweet Sixteen there are as many teams from the Big East left as there are from Richmond, Virginia.

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Mark Barron, Alabama’s leading tackler in 2010, was arrested last night for misdemeanor “hindering prosecution,” (whatever that means.) No word on whether the school will suspend him in 2011 for the game against Kent State or the game against North Texas.

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Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend is apparently a 22 year old student from Ohio attending a Florida branch of Michigan-based Northwood University. Northwood states their mission is to develop “future leaders of a global, free-enterprise society.” So she’s old enough to respect Tiger’s money from free enterprise, and young enough that she maybe doesn’t member the details of Tiger’s marriage.

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Facebook tells me I have 12 friends who “like” Sarah Palin. I will refrain from comments other than to say that this proves the ability of social media to forge friendships that transcend traditional social boundaries. (But, okay, guys, really?)

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John Boehner is criticizing President Obama again, this time saying he has a “responsibility to define what the mission in Libya is, better explain what America’s role is in achieving that mission, and make clear how it will be accomplished.” Surprising that a Republican would ever again use “mission” and “accomplished” in the same sentence.

Jokes on trains, planes, but no automobiles…

December 23, 2009

For the second time in less than a week, Blackberry users suffered major outages with email messages on their phones. The outages lasted several hours Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and were apparently caused by high holiday communication volumes.. Wonder how many outgoing messages were “Dear Santa, bring me an IPhone?”

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American Airlines passengers apparently escaped serious injury Tuesday night when their plane way overshot a runway in Kingston, Jamaica and crashed into a fence. American has offered, however, both to cover medical bills and to credit passengers’ accounts with the extra frequent flier mile.
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Apparently Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have ended their relationship. Apparently A-Rod felt that Kate cared too much about appearances and camera time. And she was beginning to think she was as pretty as him.

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Isn’t Alex Rodriguez saying someone is obsessive about their image like Sarah Palin issuing a press release complaining that the media won’t leave her alone?

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New Fighting Irish football coach Brian Kelly says the Notre Dame program has “some things that need to get fixed,” but that it is “not broken.” I think to paraphrase an ex-president “It depends on the what the definition of broken is…”

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Penn State coach Joe Paterno celebrated his 83rd birthday yesterday. While preparing for his team’s appearance in the Capital One Bowl Jan 1, He took time out to wish good luck in the Gator Bowl to his young friend Bobby Bowden.

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Eurostar cancelled all Chunnel train service last weekend, stranding thousands of holiday travelers. They are starting a reduced schedule Tuesday to and from London with limited service through December 28. Hard to believe but they have accomplished the impossible – making Amtrak look good.

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“Snuggies”, the blankets with arms, are flying off the shelves at most retailers. It’s an all-purpose gift; if a man gets one as a romantic gift for his wife instead of jewelry, he can use it himself when he sleeps on the couch.

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When things are annoying you it’s important to keep perspective. Just think of all those people after the 2008 U.S. Open playoff with Rocco Mediate who were complaining about too much Tiger Woods coverage.

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And this was forwarded me by a friend.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Not so academic All-American

December 9, 2009

The University of Texas regularly ranks amongst the lowest in football player graduation rates. In the meantime, quarterback Colt McCoy admitted he didn’t realize a thrown football must hit something before the clock stops, which almost cost his team the game against Nebraska.. Maybe next year the Longhorns will consider SOME required reading – the rulebook.

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Virgin Galactic is taking deposits for their planned 2011 passenger suborbital space flights. The price of the tickets is expected to be $200,000. With presumably about $100,000 extra in fuel surcharges and taxes, not to mention nominal charges for inflight snacks and beverages.

Wonder what their slogan will be – “Want to REALLY get away?

“Something special in the stratosphere?”

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Kate Gosselin – formerly of Jon and Kate plus 8 -apparently spent a few hours working at a North Carolina pancake house in preparation for a possible new reality show. The working title of that show? “Meet Tiger Woods.”

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Sarah Palin said that while Mike Huckabee made a “horrible decision” nine years ago to commute the prison sentence of the man suspected of killing four police officers in Washington, her “heart goes out” to the former Arkansas governor.

Just wondering, would she be as forgiving if the man had been pardoned by also former Arkansas governor Bill Clinton?

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Cincinnati coach Brian Kelly is rumored to be the leading candidate to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. According to some media sources, this is partly to do with his being Irish Catholic. On the other hand, if he could lead them to a BCS bowl, my sense is the Fighting Irish would hire a direct descendant of Brigham Young.

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If Kelly replaces Weis, he will probably get at least a 6 year deal for about $20 million. Which based on the Notre Dame athletic department’s expectations, could mean over $6 million a year for his actual South Bend coaching career.

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The final joke is just sick and tacky, but what the heck?

Some wonder just how angry Elin Nordegren is getting as more and more details emerge about the number of Tiger’s “transgressions.” But apparently Elin’s only comment is that she wishes her husband had met Sahel Kazemi.

Tiger’s worst drive continues…

December 1, 2009

After cancelling three meetings with police, Tiger Woods has announced he will simply not give a statement to law enforcement about his one-car crash. Which is odd, normally it doesn’t take Tiger that long to figure out how to play a bad lie.
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Or,

Continued stonewalling just doesn’t seem to make helping Tiger in the public relations department. You would think the best and perhaps smarter golfer in the world would know when to just take the penalty for an unplayable lie.

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So Tiger Wood’s reputed girlfriend claims she wants privacy and then hires Gloria Allred as her lawyer. Yeah, right. Even Sarah Palin refers to Allred as a “media whore.”

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(anyone who hates puns skip the next one.)

Rough Monday Night Football for Patriots fans. Who knew that the most damaging storm to hit New England this fall would be a cool Brees?

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Drew Brees threw for five touchdowns tonight to five different players. To put that in perspective, the Oakland Raiders have five passing touchdowns to three different players. For the SEASON.

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Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her outburst during last year’s U.S. Open. Apparently it was the worst display of profanity in New York in September not involving the Mets’ bullpen.

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Mayor Bloomberg spent $102 million on his re-election. $102 million, for one win in New York. Curiously enough, that may be the final result for the Nets.

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Derek Jeter was named Sport Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Apparently for his triumph over adversity in leading the Yankees back to a World Championship after an endless nine year drought and with only a $200 million payroll.

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In Charlie Weis’s final game at Notre Dame, Stanford’s Toby Gerhart rushed for 206 yards against the beleaguered Fighting Irish defense. Which means at least we got to find out the answer to an old question – “What happens when an irresistible force meets 11 movable objects?”

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A German tourist was arrested at Disney World after saying he had a bomb in his backpack. Apparently there was some confusion. What he meant was simply that he had an advance DVD copy of Old Dogs.

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A racing yacht, “The Kingdom of Bahrain,” and its British crew were seized by Iran, after the boat accidentally strayed into Iranian waters. The yacht is worth tens of millions of dollars. You’d think if someone spent that much on a boat they would have sprung for a TomTom.

Cyber Monday.

November 30, 2009

Today is Cyber Monday. The day that makes employers long for those high productivity work days during March Madness.

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Many retailers are cautiously optimistic about weekend sales figures. Of course, faced with the alternative prospect of taking their daughters to see “New Moon,” wonder how many men said “Honey, let’s just go shopping?”

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Sarah Palin had announced she would be taking part in a 5K race this weekend in Washington but she decided to drop out citing potential crowds becoming a distraction. But the former Alaska governor will be back on the trail this week, signing books and criticizing President Obama for not following through on his promises.

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Celebrity Cruise Lines is introducing all-you-can-drink packages on board their ships. The packages range from $22 a day for frozen drinks, to $34.50 for beer, to $51.50 for regular drinks, to $76 for premium liquor like Grey Goose vodka. Payable in advance. So lets see, this means cruisers could spend several hundred a week up front for unlimited drinks. What could possibly go wrong?

(After all, it’s not like anyone on a ship has ever watched fellow passengers overindulge on a buffet line because “they’ve already paid for it.)

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Charlie Weis will probably be fired after leading the Fighting Irish to a 6-6 record. Which Notre Dame alums consider a major disappointment. Although Cleveland Browns fans would consider it a “bloody miracle.”

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Ditto Bobby Bowden, who is facing the wrath of Seminole fans for his own 6-6 record. Has he considered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

The NFL has achieved one thing with its goal of parity. A number of teams equally suitable for punchlines.

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Tiger Woods is discovering one problem with living in a gated community. He can’t blame his one-car crash on being distracted by a photographer.

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But maybe we should give Woods a little more time. He could just be finalizing an endorsement deal with 24 hour CVS or Walmart.

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An idle question. How many celebrities’ lives would be a lot less complicated, but how much harder would joke writers have to work, if one of the first requirements of being a well-paid star was a 24/7 car and driver?

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Much of the controversy still swirling around Adam Lambert’s performance on the American Music Awards has to do with the fact that parents claim to be upset about their children seeing such overt sexuality on television. And most also claim that it has nothing to do with being anti-gay.

CBS, however, while they had Lambert appear on the “Early Show,” blurred out images of him kissing a male band member.
Well, at least this week, the network is getting back to more traditional family entertainment. Dec 1, in primetime – “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

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And finally from Nick Coombs:

“Wear eye-black for Tim Tebow” was considered a rousing success at Florida over the weekend. This proved much more successful than Notre Dame’s “black-eye for Jimmy Clausen” promotion.

Win one for the Clipper?

May 22, 2009

Notre Dame’s football team is considering scheduling a game at Yankee Stadium.     So for that game will be team’s motto be “Win one for the Clipper?”

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So why would the Fighting Irish want to play in Yankee Stadium.  It’s home to an over-hyped, over-rated team with fans who have an over-inflated sense of their own self-importance.  Oh. Never mind.

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The NFL has decided to allow teams to sign licensing deals with state lotteries.  The Patriots were the first to sign a deal, with the state of… New England?

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Apparently the state of Michigan is talking to the Detroit Lions.   Such lottery tickets are likely to be very popular.  As Lions fans who buy tickets will have a better chance of winning the lottery than seeing their team win.

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So for the second time, Sean Penn and Robin Wright appear to have put their divorce plans on hold and are attempting a reconciliation.  Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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The San Francisco Giants continue their terrible hitting.  Especially when they have men on base.  In fact,  if this keeps up, A T and T park will have a new area code - 643.

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Former  Governor Rod Blagojevich is forbidden from leaving the country. But his wife  Patti will leave him with the family in Illinois for a while, and  take his place on the reality show in Costa Rica.   I think her reasoning was “Now I’m married to a celebrity, get me out of here.”

Curlin and Rachel Alexandra

May 18, 2009

Horse racing’s newest star filly, Rachel Alexandra, will apparently be bred to Curlin, a former superstar in his own right.   Which will make them the most famous parents in the thoroughbred world.

Wonder if Curlin and Rachel will then adopt zebra foals from Africa?

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Or

Wonder if before they mate, if the filly will have to convert to Scientology?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger received an honorary degree at USC, although he never attended classes there.    Does this make him an honorary football player?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger received a honorary degree from USC.  The Trojans hope this increases the odds of a gubernatorial pardon for their basketball program.

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President Obama spoke at Notre Dame commencement Sunday and faced several hundred protesters who were upset at his pro-choice stance.  The protesters said it was nothing personal but they would protest any speaker on campus who was not anti-abortion.   Unless he could lead them to a New Year’s Day Bowl game.

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The NBA playoffs seem to go on forever, especially when series like Orlando-Boston and Houston-Los Angeles last seven games.  Though as the Lakers point out, in a seven game series, you only have to show up for four.

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Okay, a political thought here… but.

Apparently Republicans are already gathering ammunition and preparing their arguments against President Obama’s Supreme Court pick, even though Obama hasn’t actually announced his choice yet.

Not that this might affect his decision, but in the spirit of this so-called bipartisanship, have Republicans thought of actually suggesting a few names of candidates they actually think ARE qualified?

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Nancy Pelosi claims now that she did not know the CIA was engaging in waterboarding or other forms of forture.  Although in hindsight maybe she should have been suspicious when the CIA liasion who briefed her was Jack Bauer.

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Though I admit it, I am a fan of 24.  And usually end up supporting what Jack and his new cohort Renee do to get answers on the show.  But let’s be real… expecting torture to work because it works on 24, is like writing an analysis of marriage based on Desperate Housewives.


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