Posted tagged ‘Notre Dame jokes’

Still fighting Irish.

October 20, 2014

Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly is still complaining about the pass interference call against his team, basically over an illegal “pick play” that sealed FSU’s win Saturday night. Can we start referring to this as a “sacramental whine?”

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There are reports that Bruce Jenner is dating Kris Jenner’s good friend Ronda Kamihira. Kris is reportedly shocked, she didn’t realize Ronda was a lesbian.

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Monica Lewinsky, speaking at the “Forbes’ Under 30 Summit”” against cyber-bullying – “Sixteen years ago, fresh out of college…I fell in love with my boss.” Well, yeah, cyber-bullying is awful. And poor girl, she had no way to know her boss was married…..

 

Oscar de la Renta has died at the age of 82. Most women are thinking, “Sad, it’s the end of an era.” Most men are thinking “What team did he play for?”

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After Peyton Manning’s 509th TD pass, Broncos receivers played “keep away” with the ball. Funny, that’s the same game Jets receivers usually seem to play when Geno Smith throws to them.

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Apparently after yesterday’s loss to the Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears WR Brandon Marshall called out quarterback Jay Cutler. And long-time Bears fans said “What took you so long?”

(From my friend Alex B.  “Responded Cutler: ‘Well if you’d just stand still, I could accurately throw you the ball!’!”

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On World Series Eve, trying to remember all the national derision when Wild Card teams made it to, and even won, the Super Bowl. Oh, that’s right…. there wasn’t any.

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Texans and Steelers were on Monday Night Football. Two teams that are about as appealing to a national audience as the Royals and Giants in the World Series.

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Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino tweeted: “I truly believe we will beat Florida State (in football) … I haven’t been this excited for a football game in a long time.” Hmm, has anyone checked that man for concussions?

 

 

Burlington Elementary School just banned students from bringing any food, including birthday cake, to school birthday celebrations. The rationale, sending a message “to the parents and kids, especially with the obesity rate being so high.” Another example of an overly PC blue state, right? Wrong. The school is in Kentucky.

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CNN headlines “Glimmers of hope in fight against Ebola: Nigeria and Senegal are Ebola-free. A Spanish nurse’s aide has beaten Ebola. And Dallas has cleared dozens from Ebola monitoring.” Does this mean it’s time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again?

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Too simplistic, but awfully tempting just to vote on propositions solely based just on who is paying for the ads for and against them.

 

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Ah Texas. Attorney General Greg Abbott, running for Governor, was asked about interracial marriage and gave a vague answer. When a reporter said she “wasn’t clear if he was saying he would have defended a ban on interracial marriage.” Abbott replied, “Actually, the reason why you’re uncertain about it is because I didn’t answer the question. And I can’t go back and answer some hypothetical question like that.’” I SO miss Molly Ivins…

The best of games, the worst of games.

October 19, 2014

And some people still think football players don’t need math skills. Tulane QB Nick Montana spiked the ball today near the end of the first half to stop the clock. On fourth down….. ‪#‎Oops‬

 

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill has filed for the trademark Kenny Trill, “Trill” apparently being a new word meaning “true and real.” So after today’s 59-0 blowout by Alabama does that mean it’s “true” that A&M is “real”ly over-rated?

 

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Notre Dame game winning TD  against FSU  called back for offensive pass interference.  Guess the Fighting Irish couldn’t bring their own officiating crew from South Bend

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#‎WestVirginia‬ upsets Baylor. And the Mountaineers will be getting flower deliveries from every one-loss ‪#‎SEC‬ school. ‪#‎BAYvsWVU‬ .

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Oklahoma’s star senior kicker Michael Hunnicutt missed a potential game winning 19 yd field goal, after missing a 32 yd attempt earlier, and having a extra point blocked. If the Sooners end up playing Stanford in a bowl there won’t be enough Maalox in the country for fans of both teams during place kicks.

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Although be careful what you wish for. No doubt many Stanford football fans were hoping tonight’s game against ASU wouldn’t come down to a field goal attempt by Jordan Williamson..

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Blake Griffin said he is frustrated over continued hard fouls, and “probably” will start retaliating if they continue. Could result in a big jump in Clippers’ TV ratings….

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So its now harder to vote than to buy a gun in ‪#‎Texas‬.
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If seniors weren’t traditionally conservative voters have to figure Republicans would be trying to stop all this early voting in Florida. With the excuse that some percentage of these voters won’t still be alive on election day.

 

Interesting  ‪#‎FSUvsND‬ matchup, One QB coming off a year’s suspension, another looking like he deserves one.

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President Obama today on Ebola “This is a serious disease, but we can’t give in to hysteria or fear — because that only makes it harder to get people the accurate information they need. We have to be guided by the science.” Science? Really? That’s it. Now FOX News is really convinced the President isn’t a real American.

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Spectacular. According to Texas’s new Voter ID laws, a veteran’s ID or student ID will NOT be acceptable as identification, even with photos on them. A concealed handgun license IS acceptable. Can we just let them secede NOW?

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For all those who think baseball is boring, thanks to Dwight Perry for this from Vox.com – The breakdown of a Cincinnati-New England televised NFL game on Oct 6::

. Players standing around between plays: 35.5 percent
• Commercials: 24.5 percent
• Replays: 10.7 percent
• Coach shots: 4.9 percent
• Referee shots: 3.2 percent
• Halftime: 3.2 percent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 percent
• On-screen promotions: 2 percent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 percent

Actual football being played? 8.3 percent.

How many reasons?

August 15, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, was indicted on two charges relating to his efforts to force the resignation of a local district attorney. Wonder if the prosecutor couldn’t think of a third charge?

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Mo’Ne Davis threw a two-hit shutout for Philadelphia at Little League World Series today. Wonder how long it will take her to get a try-out with the Phillies.

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Police at Madrid’s airport arrested a 43-year-old woman for allegedly trying to smuggle to 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. What was their first clue? Really REALLY perky breasts?

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Notre Dame says they expect to suspend four football players, who allegedly violated the university’s honor code by receiving improper help on classwork. Many other college football players are shocked. Notre Dame players have classwork?

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Apparently Roger Goodell is now claiming he wanted to suspend Ray Rice for more than two games but didn’t feel he could do so due to precedent. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

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NY Mets manager Terry Collins says he told Matt Harvey, who he thought was working too hard on his rehab, to “back off” and that Harvey’s season is over. Makes sense. So is the Mets’.

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The man who invented the “pop-up” ad in the 90s has now apologized for creating it. Shouldn’t we blame Al Gore too, since he invented the internet?

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Saints’ tight end Jimmy Graham was flagged twice tonight for dunking over the goalposts after a touchdown. Maybe New Orleans should just practice kickoffs from the 20 yard line. #nofunleague

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Johnny Manziel was “a few minutes” late to a team meeting Monday morning. Wonder what his excuse was. Hard to believe Johnny found something to keep him up late Sunday night in Cleveland.

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From Bill Littlejohn  “On Browns’ management saying they will handle Manziel’s tardiness internally ‘In other words, next time he’ll have to produce a note from his bartender.'”

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#NYYankees have lost 5 games in a row. Stand by for the #ESPN special on how #DerekJeter is coping through this difficult time.

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KC Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe has been suspended one game for a violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. One game. This after a November marijuana arrest that was dismissed after Bowe pleaded guilty to littering and “defective equipment.” So he tossed away a lousy joint and didn’t inhale?

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Paul McCartney played the last concert at Candlestick Park last night. Although many of the nearly 50,000 with tickets couldn’t even get into the old stadium due to traffic, and it took fans hours to get out. So yes, memories of the Beatles and memories of why blowing the place up is overdue.

In San Jose, officers fatally shot a bipolar 19-year- old woman who had called police saying she was armed with “an Uzi” and would shoot her family if the cops didn’t come. The woman turned out to be carrying… a cordless power drill. Now, I’m sure we’ll learn more about this incident, but have to wonder, with all the stories about the easy availability of guns, doesn’t this make police- and everyone else- more likely to shoot because we believe everyone, even the crazies, are armed?

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If the shoe hits?

April 12, 2014

The woman who killed her boyfriend with a stiletto heel has been sentenced to life in prison. Any possibility of parole will no doubt contain the condition of wearing flats.

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Notre Dame has finally decided to install artificial Fieldturf in their football stadium for the upcoming season.. Standby for alums writing op-eds about how the Fighting Irish now have the best artificial turf ever.

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The Tampa Bay Lightning’s Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning on charges of DUI and possession of cocaine. Who says hockey players aren’t big time pro athletes?

 

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The Texas judge who decided to put the “affluenza” teen in rehab instead of jail, decided his parents should pay $1170 a month for his treatment at a state hospital, using the hospital’s sliding scale. The actual cost, $715 a day. The state will pay the rest. Where’s Ted Cruz screaming about healthcare costs to taxpayers on this one?

 

Chad Johnson is working out for the CFL Montreal Alouettes. Will he change his name to “Quatre-vingt cinq?”

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Although the Boston Red Sox challenged a call Saturday, and multiple replays showed the NY runner had taken his foot off second base and should have been out, the umps did not overturn it. MLB’s response “The conclusive angle was not immediately available.” Uh, two thoughts. 1. What’s the point if you DON’T have the “conclusive angle available.” 2. Suppose it’s better than saying. “You REALLY expect us to overturn a call against the Yankees?”

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Sylvia Mathews Burwell was approved by a 96-0 vote in the Senate last year as the Office of Management and Budget director. But now many in the GOP are talking about a contentious confirmation process for her as HHS Secretary. Why? Because Obama chose her, of course. Isn’t that reason enough?

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Ted Cruz said Sylvia Mathews Burwell’s confirmation hearing “presents an ideal opportunity to examine the failures that are Obamacare.” With all due respect, Senator Cruz thinks getting up in the morning presents an ideal opportunity to example the “failures” that are Obamacare.

 

 

The search goes on, but the pings have apparently faded in the Indian Ocean as the search for MH 370. Which is probably why amongst the CNN headlines today was “Hundreds sickened on cruise ships .”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “One man at the Masters saw Rory McIlroy’s face  in a pastry and bet $1,600 on the golfer.   It’s also one of the few times John Daly’s face wasn’t seen in a pastry”

 

Not faster than a speeding patrol car?

December 29, 2013

Yasiel Puig was arrested this morning on a reckless driving charge for driving 110 mph on Alligator Alley (I-75) in Florida. (Puig had similar charges dismissed earlier this year by doing community service.) Women are thinking “110 mph. Wow. he’s going to get hurt or kill someone.” Men are thinking “110 mph. Wow. Wonder what he drives?”

 

One good thing for the Dodgers to come out of Puig’s arrest today in Florida. At least they know that with Los Angeles traffic there’s no way to get up to 110 mph anywhere near Dodger Stadium.

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Not faster than a speeding cheetah either…. an animal Darwin award:   A wild deer, presumably from nearby Rock Creek Park, apparently jumped into the cheetah enclosure at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. A spokeswoman called the result “a normal and expected reaction.” (And presumably a savings in this week’s meat bill.) The zoo added that there were no witnesses, other than the cheetahs.

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Notre Dame RB George Atkinson was suspended from the Pinstripe Bowl, and tweeted “For those of you who are wondering I was suspended from today’s game for texting friends and family during team meal.” The tweet was then deleted. Wonder how long he’ll be suspended for posting it….

(although for much of the game against Rutgers, which ended up 29-16 but was close in the first half, most of the Fighting Irish looked as if they wished they had been suspended.)

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Wonder if Atkinson thought about the excuse of texting a dying girlfriend?

 

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Marijuana will be legal in Colorado in three days. Talk about High Holy Days…

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A couple from Andalusia, AL just named their newborn daughter Krimson Tyde. Going to be ugly if she grows up and goes to Auburn.

(My friend Michael D. suggests, why not just call her Menstrual Flo and get it over with?)

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended Andrew Bynum for “conduct detrimental to the team.” And fans of the 6-23 Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Can you do that to the whole team?”

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Police arrested a Charleston, SC woman for domestic abuse after she allegedly injured her husband by hitting and stabbing him with a ceramic squirrel. Apparently she was angry that he came home Christmas Eve without the beer she had sent him to buy. Wonder if the couple had moved to Charleston from Florida?

 

Southwest Airlines announced they are pulling out of Key West, Branson and Jackson on June 6, 2014. Translation, other airlines are raising their fares to those cities June 7, 2014.

Perfect fit?

December 7, 2013

Notre Dame, 8-4, has accepted an offer to play in the Pinstripe Bowl. So Yankee Stadium will end up hosting a big name, big money team with a national reputation that has underachieved this year. Local fans should feel right at home.

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Urban Meyer says he has decided not to start Marcus Hall after he was ejected from the Michigan game and flipped off the crowd. And the OSU coach said he was “very, very disappointed” in Hall’s actions. So over-under on how many plays the offensive lineman will miss?

 

 

Sorry Northern Illinois. But you really shouldn’t be in a BCS bowl when you lose big to a school whose initials aren’t even recognizable on the ESPN feed.   (BGSU  — Bowling Green State University.)

 

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In the midst of all of the doom and gloom stories on the news, finally some good news for millions of Americans: “Family Guy”s Brian the dog is reportedly coming back from the dead.

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The U.S got Ghana, Portugal and Germany in their World Cup group draw. Which means that Americans who only pay attention to soccer every few years will probably be able to get back to ignoring the sport sooner..

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Will any country who doesn’t think they are in a World Cup “Group of Death” please stand up.

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The Texas have fired coach Gary Kubiak after an 11-game losing streak. Well, based on Houston’s level of play in 2013 maybe Kubiak can get a short-term minor bowl gig with one of these college teams whose coaches have moved on?

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Michael Mina is going to open a bar-restaurant at the new SF 49ers stadium. Makes sense. Because when you’ve paid $1000 for a pair of tickets, that $30 glass of Cabernet is going to seem like a bargain.

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Journey’s Neal Schon will marry DC ‘Real Housewife’ and White House party-crasher Michaele Salahi Dec. 15 in San Francisco on Pay-Per-View. His fifth marriage, her second. Sounds perfect for all those who find “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” just a bit too intellectual.

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Robinson Cano to the Mariners $240 million. With the added bonus of no playoff pressure.

(My friend Marty Burtwell thinks he’ll be stranded on base so often he should change his name to Robinson Crusoe.)

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Apparently there were no fatalities but 15 people were injured when an elderly woman drove her car into a Long Island, NY Trader Joe’s this afternoon. Hoping everyone recovers quickly, and if she hit any wine that it was only “Two-Buck Chuck.”

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A friend wanted to know why I didn’t make any Carlos Beltran Yankees age jokes tonight. Simple. Compared to Derek Jeter Carlos is a mere child.

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Convicted wife-killer Martin MacNeill unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide in his Utah cell. It’s a real shame that some of these a**holes who are into murder-suicide don’t reverse the order of their attempts.

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Whatever you thought of “the Sound of Music Live”, got to give Carrie Underwood props for guts, and making more headlines than most entertainers make without getting arrested.

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Got a bit confused with the Sound of Music too. I don’t remember Captain von Trapp marrying Heidi.

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This is getting to be like a limbo dance – how low can they go? Rick Santorum: “Nelson Mandela stood up against a great injustice.” And then he compared Mandela’s struggle to the GOP fight against “great injustice going on right now in this country, with an ever-increasing size of government that is taking over and controlling people’s lives. And Obamacare is front and center in that.”

Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

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Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

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The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

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Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.'”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

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