Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Slip slipping away.

January 19, 2015

So Brandon Bostick didn’t lose that game for the Packers all by himself. But when he let that onside kick go through his hands, the fat lady was so upset she dropped her sheet music.

 

The Seattle Seahawks deleted their MLK day tweet saying “We shall overcome” with an MLK quote about faith and a picture of a crying Russell Wilson. Good thing it wasn’t Easter…. wonder what they would have tweeted about resurrection.

 

 

So lots of potential bets on the Super Bowl. One of the more intriguing… what’s the over-under on the size of the fine the NFL will levy on Marshawn Lynch for not talking during media week?

Seattle police let Seahawks DE Michael Bennett commandeer one of their bicycles for a joy ride around the field after yesterday’s game. And somewhere Madison Bumgarner saw that and said, “Alright, next time no one’s telling ME I can’t ride a police horse in a parade.”

Happy MLK day. And a weird trivia apropos of nothing, well, except that it’s almost Spring Training. Had Martin Luther King lived, he would still be younger than Vin Scully.

 

A college intern working for the Cincinnati Bengals’ was arrested and is facing felony fraud charges after allegedly stealing more than 100 items, including shoes and other gear from the team’s locker room. The items were valued at a total of about $3,500. What an idiot. You’d think he’d at least work for a team where the stolen stuff would be worth more.

Chicago GM Ryan Pace called new coach John Fox “a game-changer” for the team. Cool, but it will take more than changing one-game to make the Bears a serious postseason contender in 2015.

Bud Selig this weekend in St. Louis, “I visit all 30 cities, and you are the best baseball city.”    Now, Cardinals fans are great. But no respect for the city that has sold out every game for the past three years?  (San Francisco)

The measles outbreak that started at Disneyland over the holidays is now up to at least 51 cases in California, a few other states, and Mexico. And it is expected to get much worse. The L.A.Times reports “the wealthy area of southern Orange County has particularly low vaccination levels among kindergartners compared to the state average.” ‪#‎Moneycantfixstupid‬

Pope Francis, who has come out against artificial birth control, did just say. “Some people think that – excuse my expression here – that in order to be good Catholics we have to be like rabbits.” and added that he knew many ways allowed by the Church to limit family size. Right. Brings to mind the old joke, “What do you call people who practice the rhythm method?” “Parents.”

A new poll shows President Obama’s approval rating back up to 50%. Makes sense. The economy is getting better. And maybe Americans are starting to look ahead to the alternatives.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal today reiterated his claim that Muslim immigrants have created “no-go zones” in Europe where non-Muslims are not welcome. Although he can’t name one such zone. Apparently Jindal’s prior comment that the GOP must “stop being the stupid party” doesn’t extend to pesky things like facts.

Okay, Billy Crystal has been taking heat for saying he thought some gay sex scenes on TV went “a little too far. ” But it’s gotten less attention when he added “What I meant was that whenever sex or graphic nudity of any kind (gay or straight) is gratuitous to the plot or story, it becomes a little too much for my taste.” Actually agree with him. Hard to believe it was scandalous when I was a kid that Mike and Carol Brady shared a bed.

Here we go again. In Missouri a 9-month-old boy has died after being shot in the head by his 5-year-old brother. Stand by for the NRA campaign to arm babies at birth.

 

Career moves?

January 15, 2015

A 23 year old woman who was a Wall Street intern apparently quit and is embarking on a new career in porn. Well, many would say she has chosen a more honorable profession.

 

OSU QB Cardale Jones “My decision was very simple. I had to talk it over with my family, my friends, my coaching staff… At my point in my career, I feel like it’s best for me to go back to school. One of the most important things for me to do is graduate.” Have to wish the guy the best; sounds like Jones is already more mature than Johnny Manziel.

Darrell Winfield, one of the original “Marlboro men” in cigarette ads, died this week at the age of 85. The rancher no doubt attributed his long life to not actually smoking those Marlboros.

Two parents in Silver Spring, MD, a nice suburb outside DC, are being investigated by Child Protective Services for allowing their 10 and 6 year old children to walk a mile home from the park by themselves. And we are supposed to be raising a generation that can stand up to terrorists? ‪#‎facepalm

Your “awwww” story of the day. A cat in Russia is being called a hero for climbing into a box with an abandoned baby and keeping him warm, then meowing until she got a passerby’s attention. Of course, the meows might have been to say “Get this thing out of MY box.” ‪#‎cattrap‬

Really? Former congressman Joe Walsh tweeted “Let’s hope that when the Islamists next strike they first behead the appeasing cowards at CNN, MSNBC, etal who refused to show the cartoons.” Uh, Mr. Walsh, why don’t YOU show the Charlie Hebdo cartoons in a tweet yourself?

 

Former Dallas Cowboys offensive coordinator/offensive line coach Bill Callahan has taken a new job as offensive line coach for Washington. How awful does Jerry Jones have to be to make Dan Snyder look like a better alternative as an boss?

From T.C.  “Even former SF 49ers Head Coach Jim Harbaugh was Googling Tom Sula to find out who this guy is.”

In Pennsylvania, 62-year-old woman says she found a python on her bathroom floor when she went to take an overnight “potty break.” Assume it scared the sh*t out if her.

A 132-year-old Winchester rifle was just found in a remote part of the Great Basin National Park in Nevada. Very cool. Wonder if it’s the one that was lost after being bought new as a Christmas present for a young Larry King?

 

At the Republican National Committee winter meeting, hundreds of activists said they hoped Mitt Romney didn’t run for President for a third time. On the other hand, millions of people do hope Mitt runs again. They’re called Democrats.

On a serious note,  over 20 years ago I was lucky enough to meet and talk with Molly Ivins in a small group setting. Molly was famous as a liberal, but what she cared most about was free speech. While I can’t remember her exact words, what she said was that free speech was hard, and messy. That it didn’t just mean letting people you agreed with speak freely. And that if you truly supported free speech you would hear some pretty awful things.

I would have loved to read a column of Molly’s on Charlie Hebdo. No doubt she would have agreed some of their cartoons were disgusting. But she would have defended their right to print them.

Excuses, excuses.

January 9, 2015

The president of a U.S. group known as the Catholic league, Bill Donohue, yesterday issued a statement titled “Muslims are right to be angry.” Saying that Charlie Hedbo had “provoked” terrorists, and had their editor “not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”

Of course, Donohue may feel that he has the moral high ground, because Catholics have never murdered anyone they felt didn’t respect their religion. ‪#‎nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition‬

 

 

Just thinking, it’s a good thing females in general have a sense of humor, and are not likely to turn into crazy, vengeful mass murderers. Because the depiction of women at times in the media would have resulted in a whole lot more dead men.

Donald Trump took to Twitter after the Charlie Hedbo massacre to say “If the people shot down in Paris had guns at least they would have had a fighting chance” and the old “when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Right, because in the US with our liberal gun laws we never have mass shootings….

Senator Barbara Boxer says she will retire and not seek re-election in 2016. That stampeding sound you’re about to hear is about 100 politicians in California rushing to congratulate Boxer on her service, at the same time saying why they should have her seat.

Curt Schilling, who was not elected to the Hall of Fame this year, suggested that it might be because “I know that as a Republican that there’s some people that really don’t like that.” Has someone given this man a post-career test for concussions?

Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the fun has stopped for Chicago Bears fans: CB Jennings was arrested for DUI and speeding (99 in a 65 zone) yesterday. At 12noon. On his way to a parent-teacher conference. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch lost his appeal for his $100,000 fine for not speaking to the media. Wonder how much the NFL will fine Lynch for responding “no comment” to the decision.

J.C.Penney announced they will close 40 stores. J.C.Penney still has stores?

 

Former FBI Director Robert Mueller released a report saying there was ” no evidence that anyone at the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator video before it was made public. So wonder whose luxury box Mueller will be in for the next several Super Bowls?

Boston beat out San Francisco as the U.S representative amongst bids to host the 2024 Olympic Games. So they have the Olympic bid and Pablo Sandoval. Wonder which one will give Boston buyer’s remorse first?

 

Three days after appearing together live on the premiere of this season’s “The Bachelor,”, last season’s “Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray announced they have ended their engagement. Go$h, what rea$on$ would they have had for $taying together until the fir$t epi$ode?

 

Bus, or rather, truck to hell from Alex Kaseberg:  “In Michigan, a family of four rear-ended a truck and then their mini-van was dragged by the truck for 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. On the bright side, their gas mileage for that trip was outstanding.”

The 2.7% factor?

January 6, 2015

Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?

 

Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..

Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”

Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.

Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”

 

Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.

Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?

Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.

The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. ‪#‎wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy‬

 

O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.

From Bill Littlejohn,  “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”

To flag or not to flag?

January 5, 2015

Refs not only picked up a flag for Dallas tonight, they turned millions of fans, casual and otherwise, into certified Cheesehead Green Bay Packers fans next weekend

 

Okay, let’s be honest here. Other factors beyond the “tuck rule” – including the overtime rule at the time, which meant the Raiders never had the ball after they lost the coin toss – contributed to Oakland’s 2002 loss to New England. And Detroit made plenty of mistakes today against Dallas. But it was still a chickensh*t move to call a penalty and pick up the flag. Especially when the NFL needs all the integrity it can get. ‪#‎ImtalkingaboutyouGoodell‬

The SEC is thinking that if they had ‪#‎DETvsDAL‬ referees in the ‪#‎SugarBowl‬, ‪#‎Alabama‬ would be playing for the national championship next week.

All is explained. Refs looked in ‪#‎Dallas‬ owner ‪#‎JerryJones‬‘ box & realized they needed to cross bridges to get home ‪#‎DETvsDAL‬ ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬

Since CBS has the Bengals-Colts game, after ESPN’s pre-game show on the NFL playoffs, the network shifted over to the PBA Scorpion Bowling Championship. Wouldn’t it been cheaper with similar ratings to have run a test pattern?

Thinking David Shaw at Stanford did a better job of containing Andrew Luck than many NFL defenses are doing.

 

Meanwhile, going to be tough for the SF 49ers, finding a coach who is smart enough to lead the team back to the playoffs, and still dumb enough to think Jed York knows what he’s doing.

 

Nice win Saturday for the Ravens, but afterwards coach John Harbaugh declared Joe Flacco “the best quarterback in football.” With all due respect, and I like the guy, Flacco isn’t even the best QB in the AFC North.

Joaquin commented  “About 12 men on the field, baseball players must be smarter than NFL players, as they never have ‘too many men on the field’”.

Not unexpected, but still sorry to hear of the death of Stuart Scott. Presumably if they’re watching the NFL playoffs in Heaven, there will be some rousing choruses of “Booyah!

 

“Taken 3″ Really? Because even Liam Neeson can’t remember numbers 1 and 2?

 

 

2015 could be shaping up to be a fun year. Louie Gohmert is challenging John Boehner to be Speaker of the House. This is the Texas Rep. who talked about terrorist “anchor babies”, claimed the Obama administration was full of “Muslim Brotherhood members,” accused John McCain of conspiring with Al-Qaeda, and said “Jesus hates taxes.”

Two men were arrested in New York for stealing over $10,000 of Crest White Strips. No details were immediately available about the men, but a pretty safe bet they weren’t British.

 

You can’t make this “stuff” up: After “The Tablet” reported that the HarperCollins Atlas of the Middle East omitted Israel, the company says it will remove the books from shelves and destroy all copies. HarperCollins said the omission was due to “local preferences” as the book was primarily sold in the Gulf Region.

“Local preferences?” Can just imagine what fun we could have in red and blue states with that standard.

 

Toledo beat Arkansas State 63-44 in the ‪#‎GoDaddyBowl‬. Shocking. Who knew Toledo and Arkansas State had football teams?

Going blue

December 29, 2014

Many SF 49ers fans were disappointed with this season, and now they won’t have Jim Harbaugh to kick around anymore. So soon the team can go back to the halcyon days of Mike Singletary and Mike Nolan.

Statement from the SF 49ers: “Jim and I have come to the conclusion that it is in our mutual best interest to move in different directions.” Well, it sounds better than “conscious uncoupling.”

There will be a lot of changes for Jim Harbaugh as he returns to the coaching ranks. For starters, at Michigan he’s going to have to figure out something warmer  (and blue-er) than his regular long-sleeved black shirt.

More than 100 people gathered in Times Square today for the eighth annual Good Riddance Day. Where attendees used a shredder and mallet to get rid of bad memories. Wonder how many showed up with NY Giants and Jets stuff?

Apparently a contributing factor, if not the reason, for Josh Gordon’s suspension, was a party Johnny Manziel threw Friday night. (Gordon was then AWOL for the team’s Saturday walk-through.) Who says Johnny Football isn’t a leader already?

 

Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam said some of the Browns’ young players have “disrespected” the team. “We’re going to work with them — hopefully they grow up. But if they can’t grow up and they can’t be responsible to the their teammates and the coaches and our great fans, then they won’t be with the Cleveland Browns.” So anyone want to take the first guess in the “Johnny Manziel trade date” pool?

This weekend police were called and arrests were made over fights in food courts at three separate malls, Arden Fair in Sacramento, Chicago Ridge Mall in Illinois and Opry Mills in Nashville. So what the heck are those food courts serving?

How up-to-date is Al-Qaeda? Their most recent magazine, released last week, called for individual jihadists to bomb Western carriers. Including United Airlines, American, Delta, and Continental.

 

Headline on Foxnews.com “Attention: Dish has blocked Fox News. Switch TV providers now. ” Hmm…. So how long until Dish starts using that headline as an ad on Msnbc.com and Huffington Post etc?

No real surprise at this point, Jeb Bush leads a new GOP presidential poll with 23%. Christie is second at 13% and Ben Carson has 7%. I think I speak for many Americans when I say about Carson – “Who?”

 

So the NFL is running their ad “Domestic violence and sexual assault are  tough for everyone to talk about” in game with Ben Rothlisberger leading Steelers into playoffs ‪#‎irony‬

From T.C.  “I just hacked into Sony Pictures computers and found a movie to be released on Monday. It’s about NFL coaching brothers Rex and Rob called “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.

Bear-ly there?

December 18, 2014

Chicago Bears safety Chris Conte said he ‘would rather have the experience of playing and, who knows, die 10, 15 years earlier than not be able to play in the NFL and live a long life.” Many fans who watched MNF this week hope the Bears grant Conte’s wish and trade him to an NFL team.

 

Of course in this country you are innocent until proven guilty. But Ray McDonald, released by the SF 49ers this morning, may be this year’s NFL winner of the “Worst handing of a second chance” award.

 

 

The Orioles’ Chris Davis, suspended last year for 25 games for Adderall, now has a prescription for the drug. According to the Baltimore Sun, 112 exemptions were issued for ADHD in 2014. Out of 750 MLB players. And the percentage of US adults with ADHD? About 4%. ‪#‎nocomment‬

The USA & Cuba have apparently agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. While tourist travel will still be limited to “educational activities,” government and family trips, Americans will be allowed to return with up to $400 of goods from Cuba. Many Cuban-Americans are upset. Many other Americans are wondering where they can buy cigars.

So will the first American ambassador to ‪#‎Cuba‬ be Arnold Schwarzenegger?  Or Bill Clinton?

 

Well, that didn’t take long. Marco Rubio is already attacking President Obama’s decision to start normalizing relations with Cuba: “It’s absurd and it’s part of a long record of coddling dictators and tyrants that this administration has established” Surprised Rubio didn’t follow that with “and if I’m elected President, I promise to only coddle leaders in places like Saudi Arabia.”

 

Well, at least ‪#‎HunterPence‬ won’t be the only character left in the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ clubhouse next year. ‪#‎SergioRomo‬ has re-signed with the team.

 

Romo’s contract is for 2 years,  $15 million. Which means the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are still paying him less in 2015 than the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are paying ‪#‎BrianWilson‬

 

Really? Prince William is taking a bit of heat in the British press for saying to a young hairdressing trainee that maybe she “could help out with Kate’s hair, because it’s such a nightmare.” Uh, what woman doesn’t think her hair is a nightmare?

 

The University of Michigan has offered Jim Harbaugh a 6 year $48 million contract to be their football coach. So given Harbaugh’s record both of success and getting along with people, this should work out to about $12-16 million a year.

 

Sources have told the U.S. that North Korea hacked SONY. Shocking. Who knew North Korea was actually capable of hacking anybody?

 

Okay, I know I’m cynical… but have to wonder. Is “The Interview” movie bad enough that cancelling its premiere weekend just saves Sony the embarrassment of a flop. (And stimulates enough curiosity for later viewings and DVD sales?)


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