Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Business as usual

November 22, 2015

Statisticians everywhere would like to thank the Washington Redskins today for so beautifully illustrating for the lay person the concept of “regression to the mean.”

Rob Ryan, on NFL Network, discussing his firing by the Saints: “Everything in New Orleans is being blamed on me, including Katrina,” Who knew it was possible to make brother Rex look like the classy one?


In the midst of a year with plenty of controversy over officiating, Roger Goodell says that the NFL is considering mixing and matching crews on a weekly basis to reduce inconsistencies. Well, it’s a shame the league doesn’t make enough money to hire full time officials.

In Madison, Badgers fans were reportedly throwing snowballs at the team’s cheerleaders during their game against Northwestern. Can only imagine what fans were throwing at the refs, after two potential last-minute game-winning Wisconsin TD’s were overturned.


NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, making a distinction between DFS  (like Draft Kings) and year long fantasy football – “We love people who are going to engage in the game and have fun with it. It’s not about making money. It’s about enjoying the game and enjoying the team, enjoying the players you pick.”
Wow, and Goodell said this with a straight face.

Cal’s Jared Goff is projected as probably the first QB who will be taken in this year’s NFL draft. And as far as getting that top pick – the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers are doing their best to ensure Goff will probably stay in California.


Marco Rubio has released his first nationwide campaign ad, in which he says – “What happened in Paris could happen here. There is no middle ground.” Sigh. I guess we can kiss “shining city on the hill” and “kindler gentler nation” goodbye.

Three flights in the US and Canada this week were diverted over suspicious behavior and bomb threats. Waiting to see which airline is the first to turn this heightened security into a new fee.



Anyone but me still a bit getting used to seeing the Cincinnati Bengals leading their division in anything but arrests?


Donald Trump retweeted a graphic showing crime statistics on killings of whites and blacks that was simply flat out wrong, for example, it said 81% of whiles are killed by blacks, when the FBI numbers are 15%, and that blacks killed by whites were 2%, when the numbers are 7%. But really, why should the Donald start caring about facts now?


Rush Limbaugh said on “Fox News Sunday” that Ben Carson was “probably not” qualified to be president. “Probably?”


On,  United Airlines has a “Thanksgiving Week” travel notice – “Please allow extra time at the airport.” Really? What was their first clue?

T.C. Chong, with a bus-to-hell Thanksgiving week thought,  “Why are there no important shopping days named “Yellow Friday” or “Indian Friday” or “Caucasian Friday”?


On a lighter note, how can you not love the Belgians?

The lady might be really feeling green

November 17, 2015


Sadly ironic- “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” is written on our most famous gift from France.



The Raiders’ Aldon Smith was reportedly shocked today when the NFL suspended him for a year for violating their substance abuse policy. This after the LB’s Aug 6 DUI arrest, his 5th arrest since 2012.
Guess Smith thought he still had some cap room under the league’s “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.

On a brighter Bay Area note,  Brandon Crawford, home-grown, 6 years, $75 million, no-trade clause. Well-played, SF Giants, well-played.

David Ortiz says he will retire after the 2016 season. Other teams are hoping Pablo Sandoval doesn’t say he will make the same decision – they couldn’t afford the farewell tour banquets.

Bobby Jindal says he is dropping out of the 2016 Presidential race. The most upset people? Louisianans. Now for the remainder of his term, Jindal’s got no reason to leave the state.

More Jindal ““I’ve come to the realization this is not my time.” Maybe he should have said “I’ve come to the realization that this is not my century?

An Ohio woman pleaded guilty to aggravated assault after being accused of stabbing her boyfriend when he ate all the salsa. Really? Who stabs someone for eating salsa. Now, had he finished off all the chocolate, completely justifiable.


Donald Trump said today that with Syrian refugees, President Obama is sending “them to the Republicans, not to the Democrats, you know because they know the problem.” Guess the Donald thinks that Ben Carson has been making too many inroads lately into his “crazy” vote.

Meanwhile, Chris Christie, saying he would not even allow Syrian orphans under five into the U.S. “You now, they have no family here. How are we going to care for these folks?” Again, three words, “pro-life my ass.


Three men and a woman who appeared to be of middle easternt descent, and with several carry-on bags, were removed from a Spirit Airlines flight for “suspicious activity,” and are being questioned in Baltimore.
Well, makes sense, with all their fees, who’s crazy enough to bring several carry-on bags on Spirit Airlines?

“What the United States has done is to be open to people who are fleeing tyranny, who are fleeing danger, but we have done it in a very careful way that has worked for us.” Yeah, just another commie pinko speaking out. Wait, this was Condoleeza Rice, saying she hopes the U.S. will be “open and welcoming” to refugees. Never mind.


Turtle experts in Marin have confirmed the sighting of a rare green sea turtle from Mexico in California’s San Joaquin river, possibly lured by warmer El Nino waters. So will Trump be railing against the immigrant turtle? At least he (or she) really is a wetback.

American Airlines has announced they are “evolving to build a rewarding (AAdvantage) program for all members, while giving our best customers access to our most exclusive benefits.” Translation, we’re going to start making sure our free tickets and upgrades mostly go to those who could afford to pay for them anyway.




Wow. Just wow. This from conservative commentator Ben Stein about President Obama “I don’t think there’s much question that he does not wish America well. He has a real strong hatred of America”
So are any of the GOP candidates going to have a John McCain moment and say, “Enough?”
Heaven knows I and other liberals wanted Bush out of office, but can’t remember a liberal commentator ever saying that he hated his own country. ‪#‎overtheline‬

And finally, really?   Channel 2 in the SF Bay Area did a story on the risks of Americans studying abroad, focusing on the death of the young California woman in Paris. And exactly how many students have been killed this year on US campuses?
Heck, for that matter, leaving crime aside, six Irish students died this year in a Berkeley balcony collapse. ‪#‎nosuchthingascompletesafety‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

More solid for solidarity?

November 16, 2015

Forget diets. Maybe it’s time to show our solidarity with Paris by eating french fries? Lots of french fries.


The 1972 Miami Dolphins would have popped champagne tonight if they had actually realized the Bengals had still been undefeated.

The Indianapolis Colts, at 4-5 and 1-4 outside their division, are in line to host an NFL playoff game. Even NBA teams are thinking that’s crazy.

New prime minister Justin Trudeau has issued a directive to Canada’s justice minister to “create a federal-provincial-territorial process that will lead to the legalization and regulation of marijuana.”
Is there any way we can do a trade with our neighbors to the north. We want Trudeau, and we’ll send them Justin Bieber AND Ted Cruz?

The Dallas Cowboys, who signed Greg Hardy in the off-season despite him being unrepentant about a domestic violence conviction, are tied for the fewest victories in the NFL. Three words to that mean bitch Karma “You go girl!”

So what happens in these Red States if the Syrian refugees start saying they are fleeing Europe because of draconian gun regulations?

Michigan, Alabama, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Indiana and Illinois have all said now they won’t accept Syrian refugees. Because in those states, Americans already do a good enough job of killing each other?

President Obama has just ordered U.S. flags flown at half-staff until Thursday at sunset. Waiting for the GOP Presidential candidates to tell us why this is wrong.

I understand the urge to do something, anything, after senseless killings. But why are the same people who are demanding immediate changes after all the deaths in Paris so completely laissez-faire about mass shootings here in the U.S?

Open note to those saying now U.S. should only take Christian Syrian refugees. Uh, how exactly do you prove someone is or isn’t Christian?


To be fair, USA should know dangers of allowing foreign refugees. Had we just refused Cubans entry in 50s we wouldn’t have ‪#‎TedCruz‬ & ‪#Marco‎Rubio‬


Really, Bobby Jindal says he wants to refuse Syrian refugees? Stupid. Just send them all to New Orleans, a city with a well-deserved reputation for corrupting the devout. Give even potential terrorists a few weeks and they’ll be down in the French Quarter wearing beads and praying for Allah to help the Saints.


If you need any more proof of what a mess American politics has become, I give you this quote from John Boehner, talking about having to sneak into meetings with Obama. “Because if I went to the White House to see the president, the right would get all worked up, wondering what I was up to. The left gets all worked up, wondering what the president is up to. ‘What are these two going to do now?”

Sarah Palin, saying she “can’t wait” for her daughter Bristol to have her second baby, expressing “enormous admiration” for single parents, and adding “the cool thing about putting your faith in God, is he certainly is a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth chances.”
So exactly how many out-of-wedlock children is Bristol going to have?

Americans have notoriously short attention spans. But even so, hope the horrific events in Paris don’t get knocked from the front page by Charlie Sheen’s HIV status.



There is precedent for the sort of xenophobia we’re getting from some Americans today. Why when the IRA was doing horrible things to British civilians for decades U.S. naturally stopped immigration from Ireland…. Oh wait, never, mind.

From T.C.  “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”

Shout outs

November 16, 2015

Aaron Rodgers, calling out a fan who yelled an anti-Musim slur today at Lambeau Field. “I must admit, I was very disappointed with whoever the fan was that made a comment that was very inappropriate during the moment of silence. It’s that kind of prejudicial ideology that puts us in the position we are today as a world.”
So how often do I say about a Cal grad, well played sir, well, played.”
(even if the game wasn’t)

The way this season is going, the ones who will be yelling “Dallas sucks” loudest are Cowboys fans.

It’s a new trend for pro teams to sell game used jerseys. Alas Saints can’t do that today for defensive players. No proof they were used.

Can only imagine what kind of stats Drew Brees could put up if he could play against his own defense.
Crazy week in the NFL. Have to wonder, have Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning ever had a worse Sunday?
Interesting how when SEC team beat each other up in college football it is looked upon as a sign of conference strength, whereas when Pac 12 teams beat each other it is looked upon as a sign of conference mediocrity.
United sent frequent fliers a message saying that for a week you can “share your miles with friends and family and save up to 30% on the transfer price per mile. So let me get this straight, you earn the miles, and they for a short time they will graciously charge you less to give them away. And airlines wonder why we hate them.
Bernie Sanders said last night that the US had more wealth inequality “than any major country on earth.” And actually,the 2015 Global Wealth Databook puts the share of wealth held by the top 1% in the U.S. puts us “only” 11th out of 37 nations – behind Russia, Thailand, Indonesia, India, Brazil, Chile, South Africa, China, Czech Republic and Israel.
But note the countries missing. So much for our decrying the European class system.

GOP candidates often act like it were a simple thing just to bomb the bad guys out of existence. Yeah, that idea worked so well after 9 11. ‪#‎assumingweevencanaimattherightbadguys‬

Proving that no one party has a monopoly on stupidity. Dan Kimmel, a Democrat who was running for state representative in Minnesota tweeted ” ISIS isn’t necessarily evil. It is made up of people doing what they think is best for their community. Violence is not the answer, though.”
He dropped out of the race today and said the tweet was poorly worded. Ya think? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

From Bill Littlejohn, “Quarterback Blake Bortles says that his Jacksonville Jaguars are a ‘small step’ from contending. Well, remember, it took a decade and billions of dollars for Neil Armstrong’s ‘small step.’ ” .

T’is the season.

November 13, 2015

Apparently in Thursday night’s NFL game colorblind viewers couldn’t distinguish between the Buffalo Bills’ red uniforms & the NY Jets’ green uniforms. Worse yet, neither team’s uniforms featured Christmas symbols Where’s the protest from Christians?

If ‪#‎Starbucks‬ had just put out a plain holiday cup where people couldn’t decide what color it was they would have really broken the Internet.

Johnny Manziel, struggling with the Browns, is saying now he can’t see down the field because of his stature. And somewhere Drew Brees is just giggling.

A new police report says Heat guard Gerald Green, who was mysteriously suspended 2 games for “conduct detrimental to the team” apparently punched a man last week in Miami and was so combative that he needed to be handcuffed to be taken for medical help.
Is this just a blatant attempt by the NBA to steal headlines from the NFL?

Madison Bumgarner won another Silver Slugger award as the best hitting pitcher in baseball. Madbum is beginning to be to this award as Meryl Streep is to the Oscars.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new “By the Sea” movie is likely to be a flop. “I feel so sorry for them both, what will they fall back on?” said nobody.

National Geographic is reporting “cougars are spreading back East after being confined to Western states for almost a century.” So maybe all the single rich geeky young men these days aren’t confined to California.

A councilman who oversaw the removal of public toilets in his town has been cited by police, for urinating in the street. Nope, not Florida. Scotland.

In 2014, the Department of Veterans Affairs apparently gave executives and other employees over $142 million in bonuses, despite scandals and allegations of mismanagement. So who says government can’t compete with the private sector?

Facebook, trying to compete with Snapchat, is experimenting with messages that will supposedly disappear after an hour. And if you believe they will COMPLETELY disappear, then you’re too stupid to think of a future run for office.

A member of the Secret Service has been charged trying to solicit a 14-year-old-girl on-line.(Turns out he was texting and email an undercover officer.) Makes you long for those innocent days when the Secret Service was just soliciting prostitutes.

Walter Palmer, the dentist who shot Cecil the lion, is now under investigation in Minnesota for illegal hunting activity. allegedly ‘herding deer back onto his land.” Can’t we take up a collection for this guy to go hunting with Dick Cheney?

The Chinese billionaire who bought the 12.03 carat “Blue Moon” diamond for $48.4 million, reportedly purchased it for his daughter, Josephine, age 7. Well, at least we know he has enough money for his daughter also to have years of therapy

The ISIS executioner known as Jihadi John has reportedly been ‘evaporated’ by a US drone strike; ‘killed in a flawless clean hit’ in Ragga, Syria. Can we blame Obama?

Donald Trump, slamming Ben Carson, and his rise in the Iowan polls = “How stupid are the people of Iowa? How stupid are the people of the country to believe this crap?”
Well.., maybe not stupid enough to vote for Trump?


November 8, 2015

A huge sinkhole has swallowed more than a dozen cars in the parking lot of a new IHOP parking lot in Meridian, Miss. Kind of hard to stand your ground when the ground won’t stand.

Adam Vinatieri, 42, kicked a 55 yard field gold to give the Colts the win today over the Broncos and Peyton Manning. Not saying Vinatieri is old, but doesn’t it seem as if he must have also kicked against teams led by Archie Manning?

The video is horrible, no question, but if you do believe people can learn and change, Ray Rice is sure at least doing a very good imitation of a man who has done both: “I used to have a situation where kids were like, ‘I wanna be like Ray Rice.’ And now I have to think about kids and parents saying, ‘I don’t want you to be like Ray Rice.’ And that haunts me.”
Former Rep. Michele Bachmann:is now saying “The Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us (Christians) to help bring in (convert) as many as we can — even among the Jews,” Wow. So does Bachmann think Ben Carson has a chance and she’s angling to be his running mate?
The buck passes here. Marco Rubio is attributing some of his personal expenses being billed to his GOP credit card – ,”because a travel agent had the credit card number — and they billed it to that card instead of the other card.” This including a Rubio family gathering of 20 rooms for three nights at a resort near Tallahassee starting the day he was sworn in as Florida House Speaker.
Uh, speaking for travel agents everywhere, leaving aside the number of hoops required to bill 20 rooms to one card, you make a mistake more than once like that with a credit card, you’re fired. ‪#‎callingBS‬

Texas Rep. Mike McCaul, confident that a bomb brought down the Russian plane, is saying that the Obama administration is in large part to blame because they haven’t done enough in the Mideast. And of course there’s no blame on a previous administration for doing too much in the Mideast…

You know if ‪#‎BenCarson‬ doesn’t want media reporting outrageous things he says maybe he could take a day off from saying outrageous things.

So the Dallas Cowboys have now lost six games in a row. So maybe Greg Hardy can get legally away with beating up and threatening a woman, but maybe also he can’t hide from that mean bitch karma.

A U.S jail escapee was arrested in Mexico after police were able to track him i because he was posting selfies on Facebook. He’s being held in a Mexican jail and is facing extradition back to… Idaho? Your move, Florida. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who was elbowed in the head by Rams DB Lamarcus Joyner today, has been diagnosed with a concussion. If the NFL really wanted to stop this sort of thing it would be simple – injure a starter with an illegal hit that gets you fined, and you are out until they can return, even if it’s a season ending injury.

Oxford, MS, for the tweet of the month, maybe the year, after the Razorbacks shred the Ole Miss defense and win 53-52 in OT –

@OxfordPolice   Asking us to kick the Arkansas QB out of the stadium is not a legit reason to dial 911. ‪#‎ARKvsMISS‬

Sins of the mothers and fathers?

November 6, 2015

The Mormon church is now saying that gay couples can be kicked out, and their children can no longer receive blessings as infants, be baptized, or serve missions, unless the kids disavow the practice of same-sex relationships, or turn 18 and no longer live with their gay parents.
So the only way you can have two mommies is if both of them are married to your daddy?

Does anyone doubt that if Greg Hardy had a real job instead of playing for the NFL, that he’d be in jail now?

C.C. Sabathia says now he was “probably still drunk” during some of the Yankees’ last regular season games. Big deal. Youngsters, google Dock Ellis.

Donovan McNabb was sentenced to 18 days in jail for an “Extreme DUI,” his second DUI arrest in two years. What’s ‘Extreme DUI?” Well, partly it was that he was more than two times over the limit, partly it’s that as a retired NFL player you lose the “Get out of jail free” card.

Johnny Manziel says he “absolutely” wants to keep the Browns’ starting QB job. You know who else wants him to keep the starting job? Cleveland fans dreaming of the #1 draft pick.

Ben Carson “So, you know, I would say to the people of America — do you think I’m a pathological liar… Or do you think I’m an honest person? But hey, given resigned American attitudes toward politicians, maybe he’d be better off saying “You say I’m a pathological liar like it’s a bad thing.”

Jeb Bush has now had to apologize to French officials for criticizing Marco Rubio for missing Senate votes and saying “What is it, like a French workweek?”
But to be fair, it’s not like Jeb has spent much of his life in the public eye. ‪#‎SMH‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬ ‪#‎notreadyforprimetime‬

With many districts In California now exposing the biggest water hogs, the drought equivalent excuse to sport’s”tainted supplement” is now a “leaky pipe.”

In California, warmer than usual Pacific Ocean waters have contributed to a toxic algae bloom that has delayed and might even cancel Dungeness Crab season. No crab? This is the kind of thing that might get even California Republicans on board to fight global warming.

Thursday in Britain was Guy Fawkes Day. Where the country lights bonfires and celebrates a failed plot to blow up the House of Lords in Parliament – basically their Senate. In the U.S. we don’t need anyone to try to destroy the Senate, we have Ted Cruz.

So USA Today is reporting that Leonard Fournette’s family may have broken NCAA rules by trying to set up an online business selling T-shirts and hats with a BUGA acronym Fournette had helped develop in high school.
If the allegations are true that could mean sanctions against LSU – said absolutely nobody. ‪#‎SECteamsareneverwrong‬

The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was put into place Friday in New York, where the temperature was 75 degrees. Maybe instead of a Norwegian spruce they should have ordered a palm tree?


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