Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Bear-ly there?

December 18, 2014

Chicago Bears safety Chris Conte said he ‘would rather have the experience of playing and, who knows, die 10, 15 years earlier than not be able to play in the NFL and live a long life.” Many fans who watched MNF this week hope the Bears grant Conte’s wish and trade him to an NFL team.

 

Of course in this country you are innocent until proven guilty. But Ray McDonald, released by the SF 49ers this morning, may be this year’s NFL winner of the “Worst handing of a second chance” award.

 

 

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The Orioles’ Chris Davis, suspended last year for 25 games for Adderall, now has a prescription for the drug. According to the Baltimore Sun, 112 exemptions were issued for ADHD in 2014. Out of 750 MLB players. And the percentage of US adults with ADHD? About 4%. ‪#‎nocomment‬

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The USA & Cuba have apparently agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. While tourist travel will still be limited to “educational activities,” government and family trips, Americans will be allowed to return with up to $400 of goods from Cuba. Many Cuban-Americans are upset. Many other Americans are wondering where they can buy cigars.

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So will the first American ambassador to ‪#‎Cuba‬ be Arnold Schwarzenegger?  Or Bill Clinton?

 

Well, that didn’t take long. Marco Rubio is already attacking President Obama’s decision to start normalizing relations with Cuba: “It’s absurd and it’s part of a long record of coddling dictators and tyrants that this administration has established” Surprised Rubio didn’t follow that with “and if I’m elected President, I promise to only coddle leaders in places like Saudi Arabia.”

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Well, at least ‪#‎HunterPence‬ won’t be the only character left in the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ clubhouse next year. ‪#‎SergioRomo‬ has re-signed with the team.

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Romo’s contract is for 2 years,  $15 million. Which means the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are still paying him less in 2015 than the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are paying ‪#‎BrianWilson‬

 

Really? Prince William is taking a bit of heat in the British press for saying to a young hairdressing trainee that maybe she “could help out with Kate’s hair, because it’s such a nightmare.” Uh, what woman doesn’t think her hair is a nightmare?

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The University of Michigan has offered Jim Harbaugh a 6 year $48 million contract to be their football coach. So given Harbaugh’s record both of success and getting along with people, this should work out to about $12-16 million a year.

 

Sources have told the U.S. that North Korea hacked SONY. Shocking. Who knew North Korea was actually capable of hacking anybody?

 

Okay, I know I’m cynical… but have to wonder. Is “The Interview” movie bad enough that cancelling its premiere weekend just saves Sony the embarrassment of a flop. (And stimulates enough curiosity for later viewings and DVD sales?)

We’ve come a long way, baby?

December 16, 2014

Not exactly. Barbara Walters named Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the “Most Fascinating Person of 2014,” because marrying George Clooney was “one of the greatest achievements in human history.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

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Credit where credit is due. So far NJ Gov. Chris Christie, who was spotted last night in owner Jerry Jones’ luxury box, refuses to renounce his love for the Dallas Cowboys, saying he would never change his team loyalties to score political points. Besides, if Christie starting rooting for the Giants or Jets this year Americans would seriously question his sanity.

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#‎JohnnyManziel‬ said Sunday was “a little bit of an off day.” In related news, the ‪#‎Cubs‬ have had a little bit of an off century.

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The movie “Titanic” is leaving Netflix in 2015. This news will disappoint millions of women and about two men.

 

New Orleans Saints – 6-8, 1st in NFC South. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Saints fan and I love Drew Brees. But normally this level of mediocrity is only rewarded by re-election.

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Northern California is getting enough rain that now some people who have been claiming they don’t have nice lawns because of the drought will now have to admit they don’t have lawns because they are lazy.

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Happiest non-Saints fans tonight are Detroit fans, as Lions play the Bears next week and need a win to make playoffs ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎NOvsCHI‬ ‪#‎Saints‬

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The NFL admitted they made a mistake calling SF LB Nick Moody for a roughing-the-passer penalty in the 49ers 17-7 loss yesterday.. And the Seahawks then scored a TD instead of settling for a FG. Which is some validation, although the final score then would have been 13-7.

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From T.C.  “After almost 8,000 no shows at Soldier Field, and another brutal performance tonight, the Chicago Bears will announce Jon Lester as their starting QB in week 16.”

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So the SF Giants “lost” Chase Headley to the NY Yankees, 4 years, $52 million. But the guy’s stats last year? He hit .243 with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. We aren’t exactly talking Brooks Robinson here.

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Apparently a British TV crew discovered a “magic” mushroom in the Buckingham Palace gardens. Hmm, maybe now we know how the Queen can smile and waive all the time.

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A new Gallup Poll said Congress’s job-approval rating this year averaged 15%. Wow. Anyone know someone in that 15%?

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Now ABC News is reporting that in a taped phone conversation, an NFL executive promised Adrian Peterson a two-game suspension instead of the indefinite ban he was given. Give the league credit, whatever bad stuff happens, the NFL itself still often manages to come off worse than the suspended players.

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Over the line.

December 11, 2014

Amongst the methods of torture used by the CIA was playing the same song over and over and over. One of the songs was “I Love You” from Barney the Dinosaur. As all moms of a certain age know, whoever was responsible for that should be locked up without a key. And with that song playing.

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As some San Francisco area roads flood, the National Weather Service is using their usual warning “Turn Around Don’t Drown.” Maybe we need to be a little more graphic with a subtitle: “Drive Through Water – Qualify for Darwin Award.”

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Retired Wisconsin football coach Barry Alvarez, currently the school’s AD, will be coaching his second bowl game in three years after his second coach in three years left unexpectedly for another job.    Have to wonder, is Alvarez’s strategy to be enough of an a**hole that his coaches leave in time for him to get these bowl games?

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The Arizona Cardinals are 9-3, a lock for the playoffs, and now their backup QB is injured. Wonder if Cardinals GM Steve Keim has sent a one word text – “No” to Brett Favre.

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For Dec. 20, the ‪#‎NFL‬ is advertising “Thursday Night Football – Saturday Edition.” Uh, why not just “Saturday Night Football”? ‪#‎TNF‬

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Oceania Cruise Lines’ ship “Insignia” had an engine room fire in St. Lucia. Passengers were disembarked and are safe, but sadly three crew members died. And shockingly, this isn’t the lead story on CNN.

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A new study indicates sleep problems may result in an increased risk of dementia. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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Carmelo Anthony reportedly threatened to beat up teammate Tim Hardaway Jr. following another loss last week. Give the Knicks credit. They are giving the Jets a serious run for the title “most dysfunctional team in New York.”

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From Alex Kaseberg: “Time” magazine names Ebola Fighter man of the year. This will mark first time the “Man of the year” award ceremony will be held on Skype.”

Well, there’s sure not going to be any congratulatory handshakes.

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#‎RickPerry‬ “Running for the presidency is not an IQ test.” Uh, I think we’ve already proved that in this country.

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Actual serious thought about Cam Newton’s crash, where the Carolina QB has relatively minor injuries after his truck rolled a few times: As invulnerable as a lot of people, especially young men, think they are, it sure does increase your odds to wear a seat belt. (Which Cam did.)

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Followup to the Cam Newton story, this true story from an old coworker who was a flight attendant decades ago. She had Muhammad Ali in first class in his glory days, and he was in a fine expansive mood upon boarding. When it came time to leave the gate, she told him “Sir, you need to put on your seat belt.” He looked at her and beamed “Baby, I’m Superman, Superman don’t need no seat belt.” She responded “Superman don’t need no plane. Buckle up.” Apparently he did and was an angel for the rest of the flight.
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One of my new favorite baseball players has to be pitcher Andrew Heaney. Traded from Miami to the Dodgers, he was then immediately flipped in trade to the Angels. And promptly tweeted “Well, @Dodgers we had a good run! Great to be a part of such a storied franchise. ‪#‎thanksforthememories‬

Storm Watch?

December 10, 2014

A storm expected to wreak havoc in California is dubbed the “Pineapple Express” , because the rain comes directly from Hawaii to the West Coast. Okay, so clearly this one we can blame on Obama.

 

Schools in San Francisco, Marin and Oakland are closing tomorrow in anticipation of a big rain storm. Well, this should do wonders for the West Coast’s “soft” reputation.

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Got to love this factoid from the SF Chronicle’s John Shea about Madison Bumgarner going to New York to accept the SI “Sportsman of the Year” award: He went out and got a suit for the occasion.

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The House and Senate are about to approve multiplying by 10 the amount of money a person can contribute to a national political party from $32,400 to $324,000, and up to $648,000 in two years. Great, because that’s a major problem in Washington D.C., not enough money in elections….

 

Kate and William dazzled in New York this week. I know we got our independence and all that from Britain, but just imagine getting our regular celebrity fix from them instead of the Kardashians.

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The NFL’s new personal conduct policy says “A suspension of six games without pay for violations involving assault, sexual assault, battery, domestic violence, child abuse and other forms of family violence will be in effect, but with consideration given to mitigating or aggravating circumstances.” “Mitigating circumstances” like being a superstar on a playoff bound team or being an owner?

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The ‪#‎LADodgers‬ have acquired ‪#‎JimmyRollins‬ in a trade to be their starting shortstop. Even Vin Scully is saying “Isn’t he a bit old?”

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So many players and front office staff think they can break the Cubs 106 year old jinx? Female sports fans aren’t surprised – these same men probably think they can win an argument with a woman.

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Scott Boras said he would love for the SF Giants to enter the bidding for Max Scherzer. With all due respect, is there any team Boras wouldn’t want to enter the bidding, as long as they bring plenty of $$$?

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ESPN headline “Transcript shows inconsistencies in Goodell’s testimony on Rice matter.” I’m shocked, said absolutely positively no one.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach “Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn says that athletes and rock stars are exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the Senator is upset that those loopholes were intended to be used only by business people who donate the money they save to their congressmen.”

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A Harvard professor is demanding the town of Brookline intervene in his fight with a local Chinese restaurant who he claims charged him $1 too much on each of 4 items. Yes, a $4 overcharge. The restaurant said their website was out of date.) Thereby proving Kissinger right again about academics.

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Some wonder why big-name free agents don’t want to sign with the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after three World Series rings. One thought, a lot of stars want to be legendary heroes. On the Giants, first it’s all about team, second you have to stand in line for the hero title.

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Rick Perry said today “People expect me to run for President.” Not sure about that. But comedy writers are praying for it.

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Message from Stanford about the Foster Farms Bowl. ” Fans who buy tickets through Stanford Athletics will be seated in the designated Stanford section and helps support 900+ student-athletes.” Translation, we expect about 500 folks from Maryland to show up and so the bowl will probably be discounting tickets on Groupon, but please help us fill our allotment.

Behaving badly?

December 5, 2014

George W.s’ daughter Jenna Bush Hager said in response to a question about her possibly fooling around in the White House: “You know maybe there was a little hanky-panky. There was like maybe a kiss on the roof.” Just guessing there won’t be any congressional aides telling Jenna to “show a little class.”

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ESPN headline “Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth.” 11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18 man field.

 

Eagles coach Chip Kelly, dismissing rumors he might jump back to the NCAA. “I don’t think our pro offense would work at the college level.”. So how much did his Oregon Ducks get paid anyway?

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A baby was born in Colorado that weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz. LSU coach Les Miles was about to offer the kid a scholarship until he learned it was a girl.

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It’s been reported that Warren Buffett donated $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a Super PAC supporting Clinton for President. With all due respect, isn’t that about Buffet’s average income from a single one of his accounts for 15 seconds?

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Rand Paul is blaming Eric Garner’s death on the high NYC cigarette tax, because he says it’s driven cigarettes underground and “put our police in a dangerous situation with bad laws.” By that token how many deaths is he going to blame on drug and prostitution laws?

 

 

Ryan Leaf has just been released from a Montana prison after two years. Over-under on how long it takes him to get a call from the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

 

The Washington Post is reporting that coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3. Still another option for the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

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UAB – (University of Alabama – Birmingham), is eliminating football. Because we all know the state of Alabama doesn’t have enough money to waste on the sport….

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The Florida Gators have hired Jim McElwain from Colorado State with a reported 6 year contract. The deal includes a $7.5 million buyout, and $2 million for a future game that CSU will play in Gainesville. Given Gator fans’ expectations let’s hope McElwain is around long enough for that game.

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Rumor has it that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are interested again in Melky Cabrera. So guess they’re done crying over spilled melk?

 

 

So Anna Duggar, 26, “reality show star”, is pregnant with her fourth child in 6 years of marriage and it is “trending.” This is news because the young woman herself is famous for no other reason than that she married into a family with 19 children…. ‪#‎Beammeupscottythereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

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From T.C.  – one for my male readers –  “Pizza Hut is testing digital technology with an app that can predict what you will order by scanning where your eyes are looking at when you analyze their ‘electronic tablet menu’. Of course, it would always conclude that I want the waitress with the biggest boobs.”

The price of everything?

December 1, 2014

Here we go, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬. Where merchants offer X% off on items they may or may not have raised by X or X plus Y % last week.

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The airport security line at Midway Airport  reportedly was over 1.2 miles long Sunday am. Let’s hope the airlines at least gave passengers that extra frequent flier mile.

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Some of the St. Louis Rams are being criticized for walking out before their game against Oakland in the “hands up, don’t shoot” position used by Ferguson protesters.

Two questions. 1. Where’s the “free speech” crowd who defended the “Duck Dynasty” patriarch and others on this one?    2. Wonder how many of these players have been pulled over for “driving while black?”

Personally, while I decry looting and property destruction, I don’t have a problem with this peaceful protest.    And then as my friend Mary S said “They had the right to make a peaceful statement, then proceeded to beat the holy crap out of the Raiders…”

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All these interesting early games in the NFL Sunday, and Northern California got to see the 52-0 Rams-Raiders game….. Can TV ratings be negative numbers?

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#‎Raiders‬ today made a strong case for the ‪#‎NFL‬ instituting a mercy rule. ‪#‎OAKvsSTL‬

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Have to wonder how did these Raiders ever beat the Chiefs? Heck, they aren’t looking like they could beat Alabama. ‪#‎OAKvsSTL‬

 

Los Angeles fans don’t have an NFL team. After today, New York fans don’t think they have one either.

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There are rumors that the 49ers might trade Jim Harbaugh to another NFL team for a draft pick – and the top two teams and the Raiders and the Jets!? And comedy writers are thinking “Christmas is coming early.

 

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Mike Golic was one of only 3 of 14 ESPN experts to pick the Eagles over the Cowboys, and the ONLY one to pick the Saints over the Steelers. Maybe a karmic reward from the football gods for enough of a sense of humor to do that semi-nude picture?

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Janay Rice who attended her husband’s June meetings with Roger Goodell, says of the NFL commissioner, “I can’t say he’s telling the truth.” Give Goodell credit, it really takes talent to come out of a situation like this looking worse than the guy who knocked out a woman.

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Meanwhile, in Canada, the CFL Grey Cup was Sunday night. Hamilton vs. Calgary. Many Americans are thinking “what’s the Grey Cup?” Still others are thinking “Where’s Hamilton?

 

UAB – the .University of Alabama at Birmingham -may be about to shut down their football program. And after the last month, have to wonder how many Notre Dame alums are saying “want our team instead?

Turkey day and night

November 28, 2014

The three NFL games on Thanksgiving were all bad enough some people found themselves forced to actually talk to their relatives.

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FOX is advertising a post-game “Cause for Paws” tonight – “An All-Star Dog Spectacular.”. So are they doing a show on the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬

 

 

Were the ‪#‎49ers‬ tonight trying to earn a transfer to the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬?

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh at halftime. “We’re going to show up this half.”. So no one told San Francisco they needed to show up in the first half?

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49ers owner Jed York tweeted out at the end of the game “Thank you for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.”    Wonder if both fans left in the stands appreciated the sentiment?

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As for the middle game, it would have taken a lot more than one ‪#‎buttfumble‬ today to save the ‪#‎Cowboys‬. ‪#‎PHIvsDAL‬

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There are moments when I think it would have been nice to have a daughter. Then I watch the ‪#‎Dallascowboys‬ cheerleaders. And think – their parents must be so proud.

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In Siberia, when an airplane’s brakes froze, passengers helped push their own plane on a snow-covered runway. And in the U.S., airlines thought… hmm, how can we use this idea to cut costs this winter?

 

Oil prices fell to under $70 a barrel today. Which means somehow airlines will find a way to spin that to increase fuel surcharges.

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Just a thought. Many people are upset about the idea of Thanksgiving shopping because it means others are working on the holiday. But no one’s been screaming about folks working at airlines, hotels, restaurants, and, if you’ve forgotten something for dinner, grocery stores.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently served colored water masquerading as tequila. Makes sense. The Bucs are also masquerading as an NFL team.

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But really? What were they thinking? If someone wants to drink colored water there’s always Bud Light.

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The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was a success today with no balloon malfunctions. And on a holiday it would be uncharitable to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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P.D.James, 94 has passed away. If you’re a mystery reader who knows her books, you know how sad this is. If you’re a mystery reader who hasn’t read her books… you have a lot of potential treats in store. ‪#‎AdamDagliesh‬

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Bus to hell time. A man hiking in New Jersey took a series of five pictures on his cellphone of a black bear before the bear attacked and mauled him to death. Guess he should have stopped at four?

(my friend Marty B. calls it “a Kodiak moment.”)

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