Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Midnight baseball

September 30, 2014

Most sleepless night for baseball players not with the Oakland A’s tonight? Angels catchers Chris Iannetta & Hank Conger having nightmares about trying to throw out Royals baserunners….

 

-

Kansas City Police (@kcpolice) for the winning tweet of the night   “We really need everyone to not commit crimes and drive safely right now. We’d like to hear the @Royals clinch this.”

 

-

#‎As‬ and ‪#‎Royals‬ were so unhappy about a single wild-card game they decided to play two. ‪#‎ALWildcard‬

 

(Personally I think a single game playoff is wrong, but if MLB is going to have one, maybe they should at least let teams keep their 40 man September rosters…  Though it might have been fun watching infielders pitch in the 16th or 17th inning…)

-

Wonder how many folks went to bed on the East Coast or turned off the TV in the 7th inning of the #ALWildcard and are waking up this am  “WTF?”

-

In Las Vegas, the Philadelphia 76ers are projected to win 15.5 games this season. That many?

-

 

So parents of young children were supposed to get all upset because ‪#‎HunterPence‬ dropped some F bombs on television but the AL Wild Card can feature a Viagra commercial with a sultry blonde woman saying “Plenty of guys have this issue — not just getting an erection, but keeping it.”

-

Some cynics are claiming that Chelsea Clinton’s baby was perfectly timed for media impact. Ridiculous. As if anyone looking for maximum publicity would ever time an event to coincide with George Clooney’s wedding.

-

Theo Epstein said the Cubs’ “goal is the NL Central title next year.” And millions of women are thinking “Yeah, our goal was to marry George Clooney too.”

-

Michael Phelps was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI. Clearly this man would be better off sticking to pot.

-

Biggest disappointment of MNF – Nobody found Gisele Bündchen to ask what she thought of her husband’s Patriots teammates afterwards.

-

New Lakers coach Bryon Scott says he loves that “pretty much everyone has written us off. That’s obviously fuel to the fire.” Alas the fire that is fueled might be longtime fans burning season tickets.

-

The NFL has quickly admitted they made a mistake penalizing Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah, who knelt in Muslim prayer last night after returning a interception for a touchdown. This would never have happened had Abdullah played for the Raiders, they don’t get any interceptions for touchdowns.

-

The Rocco Forte hotel chain is offering guests booked through certain travel agents free wi-fi for up to three devices in a room. And a lot of travelers are thinking “So how do we decide which three?”

-

#‎TonySparano‬ was named the ‪#‎Raiders‬ interim head coach. But really, aren’t all head coaches in Oakland “interim”?

-

The FCC today eliminated their local blackout rule for NFL games that are not sold out. although the league says they don’t expect to change policy, claiming in a statement “The NFL is the only sports league that televises every one of its games on free, over-the-air television.” And of course the statement was covered on NFL Network and ESPN.

-

Headline about the latest alleged Secret Service fail. “Obama Rode Elevator With Armed Ex-Convict.” Of course, these days an armed ex-con COULD be an elected official from an open carry state.

-

 

 

 

Gone but not forgotten…

September 28, 2014

The Empire State Building tonight featured blue and white pinstripes in honor of Derek Jeter. The worst thing now that Jeter has finally retired? New Yorkers have to turn their attention to the Jets.

-

And yes, I know it’s about being the face of a franchise.   But the sad thing, MLB has paid much more attention to the retirement of Derek Jeter than to the death of Tony Gwynn.

-

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finally won a game today. And the 2008 Detroit Lions and 1976 Bucs presumably popped some cans of generic beer.

-

Teddy Bridgewater, who took over for injured Vikings QB Matt Cassell, left today’s Minnesota win with a sprained ankle. “I’m available, I’m available” said Brett Favre.

-

Wonder what the ‪#‎NFL‬ record is for scoring by a team without using the offense? ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎49ers‬.

-

The NFL is trying hard to build their brand in England. And today’s game will help in one way. – even casual British sports fans will know the ‪#‎Raiders‬ s*ck.

-

Rory McIlroy led Europe to another Ryder Cup win today. McIlroy is looking unstoppable, as long as he doesn’t cheat on a woman who knows how to handle a golf club.

 

Have to wonder how good the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have been had they just pushed the ‪#‎panik‬ button earlier this year.

 

Okay, really, glad she’s okay. But how many people could type “Jennifer Lopez” and “rear-ended” in the same sentence without giggling?

 

Would just one of these Republicans saying that we need “boots on the ground” to fight ISIS volunteer to fill a pair of those boots?

-

More stuff you can’t make up. English version: the UK Sunday Mirror reports a leading Conservative minister, Brooks Newark, resigned over having exchanged explicit photos with someone he thought was a “20-something Tory PR woman”, but turned out to be a male reporter. Newark, a married father of five, had been heading up “Women2Win” – the Prime Minister’s drive to get more women in politics….

-

Okay, who had the last undefeated teams in the ‪#‎NFL‬ in 2014 being the ‪#‎Cardinals‬ & ‪#‎Bengals‬? Now all you liars lower your hands.

-

Worst part of tonight’s ‪#‎NOvsDAL‬ game is ‪#‎JerryJones‬ looking like a genius for firing ‪#‎RobRyan‬

Making waves.

September 22, 2014

A fake ad on Twitter suggested that Apple iOS 8 users could charge their phones in the microwave. Apparently some people have tried. And somewhere Darwin is weeping.

-

 

After a long separation, Bruce and Kris Jenner have announced they are divorcing. Apparently the train wreck that has become the NFL is taking too many headlines away from the Kardashians.

-

 

So ‪#‎BruceJenner‬ and ‪#‎KrisJenner‬ are divorcing. Guess Kris finally decided for sure she wasn’t gay?

-

SF WR Anquan Boldin claimed the officiating cost the 49ers “another game” yesterday. Of course, what’s this team really needed was the refs to call the game over after three quarters.

-

A German FIFA executive says he doesn’t think the 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar. Because they’ve finally come to their senses on the heat? Or because someone is offering a FIFA a bigger bribe?.

-

 

Need to tell ‪#‎Panda‬ that salary drive year means hitting more than his weight in Sept. He’s barely hitting Lincecum’s weight ‪#‎SfGiants‬

 

-

Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti complained today that the ESPN report about the Ray Rice case was from “a majority of the sources [who] are people that work for Ray Almost everything in there is anonymous, but it’s clear from the subject matter that it’s Ray’s attorney, it’s Ray’s agent, it’s Ray’s friends.” Possibly, but one thing Bisciotti didn’t say was that anything in the report was untrue.

 

-

Sarah Palin defended her family on Facebook after the brawl earlier this month where police were called, with a post that included a picture of Bristol with a gun ‘“I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar!”
This might be the first time that “Bristol Palin” and “work” have been mentioned in the same sentence.

No place like dome

September 21, 2014

whodat

For non-Saints fans “Ignorance is no excuse” is the phrase Roger Goodell used when, despite no evidence that Sean Payton knew about the bounty scheme, the NFL commissioner suspended the New Orleans coach for a year.

-

 

 

Ray Lewis on the Ray Rice situation, ” There’s some things you can cover up and then there’s some things you can’t.” Well, he should know. ‪#‎murder‬

 

The NY Daily News reports a source saying of the June meeting with Rice, Goodelll and others in the NFL “Ray owned it from day one,” said one source of Rice’s descriptions of events. “He went in as if (the tape)existed. Everyone knew it existed. He knew if the commissioner hadn’t already seen it, he would see it.” It really is looking like Rice may come out of this looking better than the NFL commissioner.

-

On a brighter note for ‪#‎Cal‬ football, losers 49-45 by a last-second Hail Mary;  last year they wouldn’t have HAD a 31-13 lead to blow in the 4th quarter.

-

 

The Atlanta Braves have been eliminated from the postseason. So they will not be able to continue their streak of not selling out playoff games.

-

 

#‎NFL‬ proves once again why their ‪#‎overtime‬ rule is as bad a way to end a game as penalty kicks. ‪#‎DENvsSEA‬

 

-

Jameis Winston will be back has the FSU QB Monday. No word on when Seminoles coach Jimbo Fisher will remove the duct tape from Winston’s mouth.

-

Tens of thousands of protesters, including many celebrities – RFK, Jr, Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sting and Mark Ruffalo for examples -marked in the People’s Climate March in New York today. Wonder how many of the celebs arrived by private plane?

 

Just proving that not all NFL stupid moments involve crimes and coverups:: Detroit Lions LB Stephen Tulloch made a stop against the Green Bay Packers. And when he jumped to celebrate Tulloch tweaked his knee and had to come out of the game.

 

-

Derek Jeter, interviewed for New York magazine, complained that Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are “not around as much as the Boss was. The Boss would pop in frequently during the course of the season. Hal and Hank, they don’t really come in too often.” And his Yankees’ teammates are thinking “Thanks for giving them the idea, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Turning the calendar.

September 19, 2014

Roger Goodell, 2014. He “believes” nobody in the NFL office saw the Ray Rice video. Roger Goodell, 2012, In suspending Saints coach Sean Payton for a year, “Ignorance is no excuse.”

-

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s baby daughter is due any day now. And to show there are no hard feelings, Ashton’s ex-wife Demi Moore is sending over some of his old favorite toys.

 

Florida State just announced they have suspended QB Jameis Winston for the entire game Saturday night against Clemson. Translation: the Seminoles have decided the Tigers weren’t as scary as they thought.

 

-

The ‪#‎Cubs‬ magic number is 8. As in “8 more games and we are officially waiting for next year.”

-

Pabst Brewing Co, the makers of PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Lone Star beer, has been sold to Russian company Oasis. Waiting for Texas Senator Ted Cruz to slam Obama on needing tougher sanctions on Russia now. ‪#‎beer‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

-

Roger ‪#‎Goodell‬ said NFL will “get its house in order.” Well, at least he didn’t say he would beat the problem into submission. ‪#‎clueless

-

United Airlines now notes on their website what they consider to be the “best” Economy Plus seats you can pay extra to sit in. How long until they start noting the “worst” seats that you need to pay extra to avoid?

-

The Cleveland planning commission approved a 10-story-high banner of Lebron James to hang on a downtown wall. In case Lebron changes his mind again, hope the banner will be fireproof.

-

Ah, Joe. The Vice President recently admitted it was a “poor choice of words” for him to refer to unscrupulous lenders as “Shylocks.” Of course it could have been worse, many of the people who might have condemned Biden haven’t read Shakespeare and don’t know what the term means.

-

Although really, could Joe Biden have gaffed Roger Goodell’s press conference worse than Goodell himself did?

-

And for all the meaningless babble in Goodell’s press conference he didn’t say the two words most Americans really wanted to hear  – “I quit.”

-

The parents of Honey Boo-Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are splitting up. TMZ reported she found he was signed up for online dating sites. The couple, however, while they have gone through a “commitment ceremony” was never married. Where are the family values / Defense of Marriage folks on this one?

-

 

Apparently thousands of tourists are still stuck in Cabo San Lucas after the hurricane, in uncomfortable situations with limited water and food. In fact, the conditions are almost as bad as they were on the plane flights to Mexico.

 

-

They don’t give an award in MLB for “biggest choke job.” But this year there sure are a lot of contenders.

 

According to the NJ Star-Ledger, Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told staff members in a meeting. “[We] have to reach out to our donors, fans, everyone, and we need to touch them. Not in a Jerry Sandusky-type way.” Wow. Is Hermann trying to get hired as a VP of sensitivity training for the NFL.

Days and confused.

September 17, 2014

Tuesday there was a press conference blasting the NFL and Roger Goodell over their handling of domestic violence cases – held by Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had Sept 17 in the pool.

-

Scotland is voting September 18 on a possible declaration of independence from the United Kingdom. And the number one response in the U.S.A. “So what is the United Kingdom?”

-

The Vikings, on deactivating Adrian Peterson “After giving the situation additional thought, we have decided this is the appropriate course of action for the organization and for Adrian.” Translation, we don’t want to lose any more sponsors. ‪#‎Followthemoney‬

 

-

 

The NFL fined Colin Kaepernick $10,000 for inappropriate language last weekend, and fined Buffalo Bills linebacker Brandon Spikes $8,268 for an unnecessary roughness penalty. So the lesson is clear, if you’re really unhappy on the field, don’t swear at someone, stomp them.

 

 

#‎TMI‬ Baltimore WR Steve Smith posted a picture of his new son along with the tweet “The last time me and my wife were in elevator heading to our hotel room!!! We got this guy 9 months later.. ‪#‎Realtalk‬” And not that long ago that would have been the most unfortunate story most of us could imagine involving a Ravens player and an elevator.

-

Jameis Winston has been suspended for the 1st half of FSU’s game Saturday against Clemson for standing on a table in the student union and repeatedly yelling an obscene internet meme – “F*ck her right in the p*ssy.” Considering that the Heisman winner is still being investigated for alleged sexual assault the suspension has to be as much about stupidity as obscenity.

 

 

Well, this kind of sucks. Rob Ford’s doctor says the Toronto mayor is battling a rare and “fairly aggressive” form of cancer. And Ford is probably thinking, “Hell, if I knew that I’d have kept smoking crack.”

-

Adrian Peterson’s mother ” When you whip those you love, it’s not about abuse, but love.” Sounds like the apple didn’t strike far from the tree.

-

Aaron Hernandez, trying to get evidence tossed in his murder trial “I felt helpless in the face of the occupation of my house by the police. I was also very concerned about what would happen to my fiancée and our baby if I refused to answer their questions. I did not feel free to leave at any time during the search.” “I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

-

Now some are slamming the new Miss America Kira Kazantsev because she interned at Planned Parenthood… Would they have been as angry if she supported raising welfare payments for poor children?

-

Told to unload his bags from a bus in Altoona, PA on July 31 after a AA game for Richmond. Game winning single in Arizona for the SF Giants in a pennant race Sept 17. Quite a few weeks for Matt Duffy.

 

-

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “It is so hot in Los Angeles, people are going to Dodger games just to feel the cool breeze coming off of Yasiel Puig’s bat when he strikes out.  ” (.183% in his last 31 games)

Worthy punishments?

September 16, 2014

So if all these players are so big on whipping as appropriate discipline maybe it’s time to stop the fines and suspensions for various NFL transgressions and move to public floggings.

-

Breaking news.  Adrian Peterson has just been placed on the “exempt” list by the Vikings and the NFL, which means he cannot take part in team activities “for the time being.” Translation, until it costs us more to have him sit than to have him play.

-

Roger Goodell announced yesterday that he has appointed three women as “senior advisers,” And that they will “help lead and shape the NFL’s policies and programs relating to domestic violence and sexual assault,” Did Goodell get the idea from Bud Selig’s “blue ribbon committees?”

-

So when they put out the NFL injury report each week for bettors and fantasy football players, how long until the league starts combining it with an arrest report?

-

 

The University of Miami’s QB of the future Kevin Olsen is no longer enrolled at the school, after his THIRD suspension from the football program. This time for a DUI with 5 fake driver’s licenses. Is it too soon to start a pool as to which SEC school will give him another chance?

-

-

Major NFL sponsor Anheuser-Busch says they are ”disappointed and increasingly concerned” by recent incidents. And that they have shared their concerns and expectations with the league. When you give a beer company the moral high ground, you know you have a problem.

 

 

Reggie Bush, on parenting “I have a 1-year-old daughter, and I discipline her.. I definitely will try to, will obviously not leave bruises or anything like that on her. But I definitely will discipline her harshly depending on, again, on what the situation is.” When asked directly about using a switch, Bush said, “I would possibly consider [it], depending on what she did.” He later added “”No, I didn’t say a branch or a stick,” he said. “I said spanking. Spanking is different than a branch or a stick.”

Wow. Is the NFL going for the “excuse all our players because they have had concussions” defense?

-

Rush Limbaugh “How many guys, in your own experience with women, have learned that no means yes if you know how to spot it?.. ” Is this Rush’s way of trying to take the negative spotlight off his friend Roger Goodell?

-

Sen. Maria Cantwell today announced she would introduce legislation to remove the NFL’s tax exempt status if the league did not put pressure on the Washington Redskins to change their team name. Because the Senate doesn’t have anything better to do?

-

The Browns’ Josh Gordon is currently under a season long 16 game suspension for marijuana. But new rule changes are expected to reduce the suspension to 10 games. On the other hand, Gordon just pleaded guilty to a DUI, which would be a 2 game suspension. So, 16 minus 6, plus 2. Who says NFL players don’t need to know math?

-

Going down to wire of Sept. ‪#‎MLB‬ playoff chases, it’s really great to see traditional rivalry games like… the Pirates vs Red Sox? ‪#‎thanksfornothingSelig‬

-

The Yankees’ Martin Prado had to have an appendectomy this morning. Stand by for the ESPN report on Derek Jeter’s reaction.

-

This month, alas,  the NFL seems to be trying to prove Earl Warren wrong? “I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures. “

 

-

Both the Nationals and the Orioles have clinched their baseball divisions. Standby for the GOP accusing Obama of being at fault for the resulting increased traffic.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 233 other followers