Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

About that bridge…

March 26, 2015

Bus to hell time. Seeing that picture over and over again of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz at the Golden Gate bridge. And thinking – why didn’t he just jump off of it?

 

 

V. Stiviano in court today said that Donald Sterling was her “soulmate.” I’m confused. For two people to be soulmates don’t they have to have souls?

Just how wrong is Indiana’s new bill that allows business owners to discriminate on religious grounds? A similar bill was vetoed by that wacky liberal Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona.

 


George Takei is calling for a boycott of Indiana over the new “religious freedom” bill.  Of course, for such a bill to work, people would have to previously have had reason to go to Indiana.

Vanderbilt and Stanford have announced a four game football series in 2021, 2024, 2025 and 2027. This should be interesting – multisyllabic trash talking.

Alex Rodriguez will be subject to increased MLB drug testing after his one-year PED suspension. But to risk being caught for a THIRD time? Just how stupid does baseball think A-Rod is? Oops, never mind

Starbucks has unveiled a limited edition Birthday Cake Frappuccino to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its drink. It will include a “delicious, creamy blend of Vanilla Bean and Hazelnut”, topped with raspberry whipped cream. Starbucks fans are deciding whether to try it, or to just stick with something healthier like a Big Mac.

Top-10 NFL draft prospect Randy Gregory said that he has tested positive in February for marijuana: “I blame myself. And I know it sounds cliché, but there’s really no one else I can blame.”

Okay, clearly the young man, as talented as he is, isn’t NFL ready. Where’s the tainted supplement? Where’s the second-hand smoke? Where’s the “it must have been in brownies?”

And while we’re at it?  Hard to imagine marijuana improving performance (how about that 7.0 40 yard dash?).  And given a choice as far as dangerous drugs, guessing a lot fewer people have been hurt by NFL players who were high on pot vs. those drinking alcohol.


From T.C. “Nebraska defensive end Randy Gregory tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. His agent said Gregory’s response was that he wanted to be a high draft choice.”

Who but me wants to see Wisconsin keep winning just to see what sesquipedalian words Nigel Hayes will come up with in the postgame press conferences.  #MarchMadness.

 

#‎Kentucky‬ 78, ‪#‎WestVirginia‬ 39. And it wasn’t that close. ‪#‎WVUvsUK‬

Dear Gawd, Pat Robertson this morning on “The 700 Club” What a terrible tragedy. “Was that co-pilot a Muslim?” So congrats to all those who had “about an hour” in the pool.

Your “Awww’ story for the day. Dean Smith, 83, who died last month, set up a trust in his will to send $200 to every one of his varsity players at UNC, with a note to “enjoy a dinner out.” Good thing it’s North Carolina, if Smith had coached at USC or a smaller school the NCAA would no doubt have put the current team on probation.

Newt Gingrich said today at a healthcare conference said not only that he doesn’t think Obamacare should be repealed, but also that House members who claim they want to repeal it really don’t want to either. (Though he does think it should be tweaked.) Is Gingrich trying to be thrown out of the GOP for making too much sense?

Wrong numbers?

March 25, 2015

New Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval told USA that he changed his cell number and doesn’t talk to old SF Giants teammates. He also added “If I had signed (with SF), I knew I would be under a (weight) regimen for five years, and I’m not going to be happy someplace where I’m under that kind of regimen, where I can’t be myself.”

Well at least Sandoval chose a new team with kind, gentle and understanding fans/media…. Hint to the Panda ‪#‎lessismore‬

And you thought the worst export from Canada was Justin Bieber. ‪#‎TedCruzCampaignSlogans‬

Now, most people agree tax law is too complicated. But along with everything else, Ted Cruz has joined Dr. Ben Carson in saying he will abolish the IRS. Sure, let’s put all Americans on the honor system. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Stanford men’s basketball team beats Vanderbilt and is heading to New York’s Madison Square Garden for the NIT final four. And hey, had they gotten to the NCAA tournament they’d either be done now or heading to maybe Cleveland, or Syracuse. With a Final Four in Indianapolis Hey, maybe these Stanford kids really ARE smart.

How many careers would benefit from a five-second delay on speech like they have on “live” TV? Mike Bocchino, a Connecticut state rep, criticizing a proposed “yes means yes” sexual assault bill – “At the end of the day, there are no witnesses — at least if there are, it’s a really great party.”. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

University of Michigan center, Jack Miller, 21, is retiring from football due to concussion fears – “I know it’s pretty unorthodox for a 21-year-old to see past his own nose This game requires such a passion to excel, and my flame is burned out.” And a number of other college players are thinking “Dude, what’s ‘unorthodox?'”

When these companies put you on hold for 30 plus minutes and say periodically “Thank you for your time and patience” I am reminded of that little vulture statue they used to sell in gift shops “Patience my a**, I’m going to kill something.”

A United Airlines employee was arrested and charged with stealing over $500 from a passenger’s wallet at a TSA checkpoint at Newark. United is appalled. If anyone is ripping off a passenger, it should be the airline themselves.

United flights from SF to Dallas, $226 roundtrip. Adding aisle seats towards the front of the plane and one checked bag in each direction, $146 additional. We don’t need Ryan Air in the US, the legacy airlines are already there.

New Orleans coach Sean Payton said there is “not one iota” of truth to rumors that the Saints are thinking of trading Drew Brees. Translation, they may be rebuilding, but they still want to sell tickets next year.

The NFL has decided that the controversial formation that the New England Patriots used to score a TD against the Ravens in the AFC championship will be illegal next year. No worries, Belichick and company expect to have a whole new stable of ways not to be caught cheating next season.

 

 

Thunder 91, Spurs 130?! So does Oklahoma City call that “elder abuse”, or rather “abuse by elders?”

Another of those rare serious thoughts.  “Turns out the reportedly suicidal man who allegedly shot and killed a San Jose, California, police officer last night, did fatally shoot himself later in the evening. Once again, such a damn shame that anyone bent on murder-suicide can’t take care of the latter first.”

Cruz missile

March 23, 2015

Ted Cruz kicked off his campaign with an “Imagine” theme speech, channeling John Lennon, asking students at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University to “imagine a president repealing every word of Obamacare, imagine a president who finally secures the borders, imagine a president who stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel.’

Guess Cruz forgot about that second verse “Imagine there’s no countries.  It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too….”  #cantfixstupid

First Donald Trump, now Ted Cruz has joined the 2016 Republican Presidential race. Ironically, the year Ringling Brothers’ circus says they are getting rid of elephants, the elephant party is really getting into the circus business. ‪#‎clowncar‬

Ted Cruz talks about “securing the borders.” You think it might have occurred to him to secure his own domain name. (www.tedcruz.com)

When you’ve had your giggles checking out tedcruz.com, head on over to tedcruzforamerica.com (Hint to Ted, if you have aspirations of being a leader in the 21st century, might be a good thing to read up on the this internet thing.)

Let the furry thing on his head fly: When asked about Ted Cruz, Donald Trump said Cruz’s birth certificate “is a hurdle; somebody could certainly look at it very seriously. He was born in Canada. If you know and when we all studied our history lessons, you are supposed to be born in this country, so I just don’t know how the courts will rule on this.”

The NFL has announced that they will try a one-year suspension of the league blackout policy. Bad news for fans in Tampa. They now have no excuse not to watch the Bucs.

Bloomsburg University dismissed Joey Casselberry from the baseball team for sending an offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis, But today on Sportscenter,, Mo’ne said today that he should be reinstated. “Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance…. I know right now he’s really hurt, and I know how hard he worked just to get to where he is right now.”

Okay, if there wasn’t anyone already rooting for her to make it big….

 

New 49ers coach Jim Tomsula to NFL Network about Colin Kaepernick “Statistically and all that kind of stuff, people throw those out there — Colin had his best year, okay?” Hmm, is it time for the league to start checking coaches for concussions?

Two weeks ago, the SF 49ers signed WR Jerome Simpson, who the Vikings released after multiple arrests. Now they are talking to LB Erin Henderson, who was also released by Minnesota after 2 arrests including a DUI. Well, the 49ers may not make the playoffs, but they could be early favorites for a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

A judge decided that Robert Durst is a flight risk and denied him bail. This after the FBI found him registered under an assumed name in a New Orleans hotel, with a passport, birth certificate, fake Texas ID, stacks of $100 bills, a gun, bags of marijuana and a latex mask with fake hair… So what was the judge’s first clue?

All this controversy over the 25th anniversary of “Pretty Woman,” and whether it is sexist, or PC, or whatever. Can we just say, it’s a fun movie, period?    And the greatest shopping scene EVER: “Big mistake. Huge.”

Tonight the Golden State Warriors are celebrating the 40th anniversary of their only NBA championship team. 40 years!? Or as Cubs fans say, “Only yesterday.”

 

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today “I know that there is no smoking gun” that could prove the Super Bowl champions guilty in of deflating footballs. Does that also mean “and if there was such a gun, it’s been buried with Jimmy Hoffa?”

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “John McCain said that Obama should “get over” the Israeli election. Sure. Just as soon as he gets over the ’08 election.”

Who knew?

March 10, 2015

Hottest accessory in ‪#‎NFL‬ locker rooms this preseason? Badges in team colors saying “Hi, my name is….”

How many NFL teams will be playing a new theme song?    “The Who'”s  “Who Are You?”

Jake Locker has announced his retirement from the NFL. Jake Locker was still in the NFL?

So is ‪#‎JedYork‬ trying to change the ‪#‎49ers‬ new motto from ‪#‎Winningwithclass‬ to ‪#‎Losingwithanass‬? ‪#‎sf49ers‬

 

All this controversy about a bunch of potentially embarrassing emails, and then 47 GOP senators decide to go ahead and prove you can write something absolutely embarrassing in an old-fashioned letter

The latest Hillary Clinton email scandal, that she said her email server “contains personal communications from my husband and me.” And Bill has said he has only sent two emails in his entire life, but he loves Twitter. So maybe Hillary is lying. Or maybe she’s just another woman whose husband who responds either with silence, or 140 character or less answers.

 

The Boston ‪#‎RedSox‬ have to be wondering, what will ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ say about THEM when he moves onto his next team?

A 27 year-old Central Florida woman was apparently so focused on her texting that she walked into a moving freight train.. While she sustained injuries to her right arm and leg, the woman was expected to survive. And somewhere again Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

The Wisconsin Timber Rattlers, a minor league affiliate of the Milwaukee Brewers, are introducing a new “Funnel Cake Burger” this summer. Featuring a beef patty, bacon and cheese, sandwiched between two sugar dusted funnel cakes. The price is $20, but presume it comes with a discount coupon for an EKG.

Woman on a bench outside our office, talking loudly on a iPhone speaker about her business deals. So tempting to ask her to speak up a bit so we can take notes.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for indecent exposure for sitting naked outside a Dunkin’ Donuts. She told police she did it as a dare. Well, this time it’s pretty easy to guess Florida. Sure wouldn’t happen now in Boston.

South Dakota may join Idaho, Texas, Utah and Wyoming as states with 80 MPH speed limits. Interesting enough, they’re all states you might want to drive like a bat out of hell to get out of….

 

Apparently Tri-Delta sorority members were also on that SAE party bus where they were singing the racist chant, and some may have been involved. The National Chapter of Delta Delta Delta released a statement saying “the behavior documented in the video is deplorable and is in no way consistent with Tri Delta’s ideals and core values.” Well this is a bit of a shock. Sororities have “core values?”

Tastes of spring?

March 5, 2015

USC researchers claim they have found a hormone – called MOTS-c – that works in mice as an alternative to exercise. And they say MOTS-c may some day allow people both to lose weight and regulate their blood sugar. Awesome. Can they put it in a pill made of chocolate?

The founders of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream said last month that they are open to someday making a marijuana-infused flavor. Ben Cohen on Huffington Post: “It makes sense to me. Combine your pleasures. … where it’s legal!”

Major funding for this campaign will no doubt be provided by 7-11.

How sweet it is in Northern California to get in your car to run an errand, and the first thing you hear from the radio is Jon Miller – “2 and 0 count, Posey on deck….” ‪#‎springiscoming‬

Peyton Manning will apparently take a $4 million pay cut next season. If he’s smart presume Peyton will demand the Broncos spend the money on the O-line.

A California high school girls’ basketball team was kicked out of the playoffs for wearing pink and white uniforms to raise awareness for breast cancer research. They have now been reinstated. But presumably the office who booted them in the first place has been offered a job with the NFL?

 

Former Sony Pictures co-chair Amy Pascal transitioning to a producer,but her assigned new suite was formerly used by Seth Rogen, and apparently she says she can’t move into it because of the strong stench of marijuana smoke. So Sony is repainting the office. They couldn’t have just moved her and just offered the suite to younger producers? ‪#‎EaudeColorado‬

American Airlines passengers on a flight that arrived in Denver today had to slide down off the plane on emergency chutes, after smoke was reported in the plane. Fortunately no fire was found, and American has generously offered to waive their slide ride fee.

Nearly 1,000 flights have already been cancelled today and tomorrow because of the latest storms in the U.S. So when we finally reach Spring which airline will be the first to institute a “Winter recovery” fee.

“State’s snow levels reach historic lows” Not sure who’s more upset about that SF Chronicle headline. Drought-weary Californians. Or winter-weary Bostonians.

Dr. Ben Carson said today that the proof homosexuality is a choice is that “a lot of people go into prison straight, and when they come out, they’re gay.” Well, looks like the good doctor is making an early play for that all important stupid vote.

 

Ben Carson,  several hours later, upon further reflection: “I do not pretend to know how every individual came to their sexual orientation, I regret that my words to express that concept were hurtful and divisive. For that I apologize unreservedly to all that were offended.” Translation, someone just told me there are gay Republicans, and they vote.

 

Let’s make a deal.

February 28, 2015

Officials say they have seized 15 tons of marijuana at a border crossing near San Diego. Okay, seems like it’s time for California Governor Jerry Brown to discuss a little trade with Colorado for water.

 

AEG, who wants to build an NFL stadium next to Staples, commissioned a study by former Homeland Security Security Tom Ridge that said an Inglewood professional sports stadium would be too close to LAX, and thus a terrorism target. Except Shea Stadium and now Citi Field are right next to LaGuardia. Or are the Mets not considered a pro team.

An LA County Sheriff’s official said that a white dress that “greatly resembles” the missing gown taken from Lupita Nyong’o’s hotel room was found yesterday under a sink in the same hotel. Or maybe the dress was found the same day as the theft, but the finder thought it was blue.

You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Richard Mack, a former Arizona sheriff, who founded the anti-Federal government “Constitutional Sheriff and Peace Officer Association” and fought Obamacare, has now started a GoFundMe campaign to cover his and his wife’s medical care. Because Mack had a heart attack, his wife is ill, and they are uninsured.

Two volleyball players at Erskine College in South Carolina came out as gay. And the school reacted by banning homosexuality, saying in a statement that members of their “community are expected to follow the teachings of scripture concerning matters of human sexuality.” Okay, then, so like Abraham, David, Solomon etc, how many wives and concubines are men at the college allowed?

A new app will allow people to upload pictures of their pets, and let others rate them as “cute or not.” This is probably not what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

A police chief has been arrested and fired after he ordered a “two-girl special” in an undercover prostitution sting. Yep, Florida. (Miami Gardens)

 

 

William Shatner says he has to miss Leonard Nimoy’s funeral due to a commitment tonight to attend a Red Cross Charity ball in Florida. What, Shatner couldn’t somehow find a late-night or early morning flight on Priceline?

Worst thing about that American Airlines flight from Dallas to Oklahoma City where passengers were stuck on the plane for 9 hours at DFW Airport. The DRIVE time from Dallas to Oklahoma City is about 3 1/2 hours.

White Sox ace Chris Sale fractured his right foot yesterday, apparently from jumping off of his truck. Was he washing it at the time?

(from my friend Tom D. “I kent believe it.”)

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken “personal control” of the investigation into the murder of his political opponent Boris Nemtsov, who was shot yesterday near the Kremlin. And no doubt he will find an investigator who will work tirelessly to blame the killing on anyone but Mr. Putin.

Didn’t see it coming.

February 7, 2015

After a disappointing season, the Tennessee Titans released OT Michael Oher. Hope he wasn’t blindsided by the news.

 -
Aaron Hernandez’s lawyer in his murder trial was jokingly asked a state police trooper if he had “training in football deflation devices.” Sounds like the former Patriot actually found a lawyer as dumb as he is.

 

The NFL fined 4 players from $8268 to $10,000 for their roles in the brawl at the end of the Super Bowl. Good to see the league has its priorities in order. Hitting people is almost as bad as wearing the wrong brand of clothing.

NY Yankees officials says they have now agreed to a sit-down meeting with A-Rod. Ah yes, an early sign that spring is approaching. The circus is coming to town.

For all those who think they might be the most insane baseball fans they know, San Francisco has finally gotten their first storm of 2015. Serious rain and wind. But some hardcore folks are already camping outside AT&T Park for tomorrow morning’s SF Giants “FanFest.”

 

Open note to Chris Paul, who has always seemed like an enlightened and decent guy, and I am sure didn’t meant to start a firestorm by criticizing one of the two NBA’s female refs: (“We try to get the ball out fast every time down the court, and when we did that, she said, ‘Uh-uh.’ I said, ‘Why, uh-uh?’ And she gave me a tech. That’s ridiculous. If that’s the case, this might not be for her.” )

It’s time for a simple statement, “I was criticizing an official because I didn’t like the calls. I thought and think they were wrong. It had NOTHING to do with her gender. I fully support the NBA’s hiring of female officials. Now let’s move on.”

 

 

 

In Northern California television news stations have put their drought stories on hold for a few days to be replaced by “Stormwatch.”

 

Occasional disclaimer. If you’ve found my blog because of the sports jokes,   I do jokes about both sports and politics. And I realize that half the country won’t agree with my views.  Though I like to consider myself a moderate, and try to pick on both sides, even  if I pick on one side more than others….  (more material)  In any case, if  you don’t like the political jokes, please feel free to ignore. Or comment. Even criticize n comments.. Just please keep it civil.

 

Former Miss. GOP state Sen Tim Johnson announced yesterday he is switching parties. “Why join the Democratic Party and run for lieutenant governor? I’ll tell you: We are all Mississippians first. Elected officials should be in the business of helping all Mississippians, not picking out who to hurt.

“The Republican Party leaders’ actions against supporting Medicaid expansion and threatening our local hospitals was the final, deciding factor for me.”

This is Mississippi, folks. Will Johnson’s campaign mascot be a flying pig?.

Note to GOP men: On the subject of rape, STFU.

Horrible indeed. After being made to watch his friends burned alive, he recanted his religion in writing. When he later felt ashamed, and publicly denied the conversion, he was himself publicly burned alive, but put his right hand, which had written the recantation, first into the flame, saying, “this hand has offended.”

Another Mideast horror story? Nope, Archbishop Thomas Cranmer. And these burnings all done by order of Queen Mary 1 of England, 1555-56


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