Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Let’s make a deal?

October 19, 2014

The Cowboys’ Joseph Randle, arrested for shoplifting underwear last week, has now signed an endorsement deal with MeUndies, an underwear company. So how long until Jameis Winston signs with Red Lobster?

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Open note to haters. If God really is anti-gay, then how to explain the team that signed Michael Sam to their practice squad having a better season than even their hard core fans could have imagined? ‪#‎Cowboys‬

(And no, I am STILL not a Dallas fan. But credit where credit is due.)

 

Will all these people complaining about an 88 win team playing a 87 win team in the  World Series please consider that the “better” MLB teams have a 2 and 16 record in the 2014 postseason against the  Kansas City Royals and the SF Giants..

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The Keene, NH, Pumpkin Festival turned into a riot last night, and police had to use tear gas and pepper spray to disperse the crowd. So do we add pumpkin to the list of gateway drugs?.

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Peyton Manning threw his 508th career TD pass today, tying Brett Favre’s NFL record. Asked to comment, especially after watching some other QBs today, Favre responded “well, 508 is my total, so far.”

 

FSU coach Jimbo Fisher after beating Notre Dame. “This team has tremendous what I call ‘adversity tolerance.”  Over-under on how many Seminoles players can spell “adversity tolerance”?

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On a brighter note these days, especially after last’s night debacle in Tempe,   at least Stanford fans don’t have to worry any more about all those “David Shaw being lured to the NFL rumors.”

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But on the other hand, Notre Dame is upset because their game comes down to  a controversial  referee decision. And the rest of college football is trying not to giggle.

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Spain’s “Special Ebola Committee” says that the nurse aide who had contracted Ebola is now free of the virus. Although why should we let a little good news get in the way of serious hysteria.

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Here we go again, now it’s Rep. Peter King demanding Obama must immediately ban on anyone traveling from West African countries with Ebola to the USA. Now, first, there are visa issues. But if anyone IS in one of those countries who is either a U.S. citizen or has a green card or U.S visa, well, of course they wouldn’t think of buying two or more separate tickets to get around such a ban, would they?

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Meanwhile from Alex Kaseberg:  ” The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising. If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything.”

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R.I.P. Nashville songwriter Paul Craft, 76. He wrote for the Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, and Ray Stevens. And he did write the country song with perhaps the greatest title ever, “Dropkick me Jesus. (Through the Goalposts of Life.)

Swan song for the Orioles.

October 15, 2014

KC Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie apologized for wearing a T-shirt  saying “These O’s aint’ Royal” — a pun on a Chris Brown song. Yeah, really unfair this week to compare Baltimore to Chris Brown, the O’s weren’t hitting anything.

 

Congrats to Kansas City.  Now FOX has a whole week to convince potential viewers that Royals really are America’s Team

 

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The Royals scored their two runs to win today in the first inning without a hit out of the infield. Who do they think they are, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬?

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SF Giants have scored 22 runs in their last 6 post season games.  Of those, 10 runs were scored by way of a hit.  #smokeandmirrors

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So wonder what Andrew Friedman’s first act running the Dodgers will be. Other than trying just to buy the Royals

 

-On “The Jim Rome Show,” Bo Jackson said Jameis Winston is ignoring his advice. “I have communicated with him, and I just talked to him like I was his dad.” Yeah, and Winston is probably listening to Jackson about as much as many cocky 20 year olds listen to their dads

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Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher said they are confident Jameis Winston wasn’t paid for autographing memorabilia. And F$U has million$ of rea$on$ to believe that.

 

 

Actual items in a grocery ad today. Pumpkin Spice Salsa, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin BBQ Sauce and, no joke, Organic Pumpkin Pet Food…. Anyone but me counting the days until Halloween and this pumpkin craziness is over?

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Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said RB Joseph Randle will be fined significantly for his shoplifting arrest. Wonder if the exact amount of the fine will depend on whether or not Garrett shoplifted NFL approved merchandise.

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Ebola is not contagious through the air. But after a second nurse with the virus was found to have flown on Frontier Airlines from Cleveland to Dallas, Frontier issued a statement saying “the aircraft received a thorough cleaning per our normal procedures.” “Normal procedures.” Yeah, that’s what Americans are afraid of…..

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Wonder how many Americans are getting so stressed out about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are taking up smoking?

 

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Meanwhile,  many in the GOP are calling for President Obama to appoint an Ebola “czar.”  So they can then turn around and say how bad a job that czar is doing.

 

 

Something stronger.

October 8, 2014

Brian Wilson will apparently be exercising his player option so LA will have to pay him $9.5 million in 2015. SF Giants fans, in the spirit of camaraderie, are offering to give Dodger fans their best cocktail recipes.

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Giants got 9 runs in 4 games. 1 home run. A lot of runs that weren’t even scored by hits. And they won the series 3 games to 1. ‪#‎SFchicksdigthesmallball‬

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All of these experts predicting the ‪#‎ALCS‬ and ‪#‎NLCS‬ winners. Because they’ve done so well so far……‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Cardinals‬ ‪#‎Royals‬ ‪#‎Orioles

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No baseball Tuesday night since the ‪#‎ALDS‬ and ‪#‎NLDS‬ series are all over. And no football as it’s Wednesday. So it was time for most Americans to start ignoring hockey.

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For hockey fans, the San Jose Sharks did start defending their unofficial title of of being “The Best Regular Season Team in the NHL.”

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Okay, it worked out if you are an ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan. But Matt Williams is being lambasted for putting rookie Aaron Barrett into the game late last night with veteran pitchers in the bullpen. But Bruce Bochy put September call-up Hunter Strickland into the game late too. And Strickland did get through an inning, albeit with a home run bomb to Bryce Harper. ‪#‎geniusifitworksidiocyifitdoesnt‬ ‪#‎NLDS‬

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So what’s the difference between the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Los Angeles Dodgers? About 48 hours.

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The FTC just announced that AT&T will pay $105 million in fines for placing unauthorized charges for third-party services on customers’ cell phone bills. So now wonder what surcharge the phone company will add to cover the fines

 

Roger Goodell, talking to owners and defending the NFL’s player conduct policy. “I believe the vast majority of our players are great people.” Right, because in the US we’ve never needed criminal laws because the vast majority of Americans are law-abiding people.

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An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Midland, TX last night because a passenger was vomiting and there were Ebola fears. Despite the fact she had come from TURKEY, not Africa (She has already been released from the hospital). Here we go again…. Let’s hope no one gets the bright idea to put TSA in charge of taking temperatures and asking medical questions:

 

 

Open note to ANYONE who is anti-vaccine. Please just STFU about Ebola

Orange fever.

October 5, 2014

Game time for Giants vs. Nationals is 2:07p. So SF fans won’t have to get that sudden debilitating mystery illness at work Monday until about noon.

 

So the AL representative in ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ will be either the  Kansas City ‪#‎Royals‬ or the Baltimore ‪#‎Orioles‬. And Fox executives just threw up.

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Still can’t get over all those empty seats in Nationals Park Saturday night in extra innings. It was if we were watching a Nationals game and an Expos game broke out.

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(And okay, so it was almost midnight and getting colder.  As a veteran of the 7 plus hour Giants-Dodgers twilight doubleheader in July 1988, however, I have cred on this issue.  Scott Garrelts lost BOTH games, the second about 130a.)

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On the other hand, right about now all those ‪#‎49ers‬ fans who complained about how cold it was at ‪#‎CandlestickPark‬ thinking “I take it back.” ‪#‎LevisStadium‬

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The sunny-side of the stadium was largely empty in the second half of today’s 49ers-Chiefs game. On a brighter note, maybe the 49ers can rent out the place on weekdays as the world’s largest tanning booth?

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Randy Moss now says of playing under Jim Harbaugh with the 49ers: “He treated us men like we were still college kids at Stanford.” Does Moss mean Harbaugh overestimated most of the team’s maturity level?

 

Saw today’s new poll of the best 25 college teams and it inexplicably left off the ‪#‎NYJets‬

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Although  main thought watching week 5 in the ‪#‎NFL‬. This league has a lot of mediocre football teams.

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So #11 Oregon, who beat #8 MSU by 18, is ranked below the Spartans in today’s coaches poll, and an undefeated #12 TCU is ranked below the #9 Oklahoma team they beat. Well, no one ever suggested anyone connected with college football is good with math.

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Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders, has passed away at the age of 76. Please can someone get a comment from Sarah Palin on his death?

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Lots of rumors that this is Jim Harbaugh’s last year with the 49ers. This morning Jed York tweeted “Jim is my coach. We are trying to win a SB, not a personality or popularity contest. Any more questions?” Well, at least York didn’t say he was behind Harbaugh 1000%.

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Who ever thought ‪#‎Jets‬ fans would be looking back longingly to the glory days of ‪#‎MarkSanchez‬ and ‪#‎TimTebow‬?

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More “Why there is no satire.” Todd Kincannon, former executive director of the South Carolina GOP tweeted yesterday. “People with Ebola in the US need to be humanely put down immediately.” And followed it with “The protocol for a positive Ebola test should be immediate humane execution and sanitization of the whole area. That will save lives.” And yes, he’s “pro-life.”

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Joint joke with my friend Alex  Kaseberg.  “What is with all the long, bushy beards on baseball players. Have not seen this many beards since Tom Cruise was auditioning potential future wives.”

 

Midnight baseball

September 30, 2014

Most sleepless night for baseball players not with the Oakland A’s tonight? Angels catchers Chris Iannetta & Hank Conger having nightmares about trying to throw out Royals baserunners….

 

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Kansas City Police (@kcpolice) for the winning tweet of the night   “We really need everyone to not commit crimes and drive safely right now. We’d like to hear the @Royals clinch this.”

 

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#‎As‬ and ‪#‎Royals‬ were so unhappy about a single wild-card game they decided to play two. ‪#‎ALWildcard‬

 

(Personally I think a single game playoff is wrong, but if MLB is going to have one, maybe they should at least let teams keep their 40 man September rosters…  Though it might have been fun watching infielders pitch in the 16th or 17th inning…)

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Wonder how many folks went to bed on the East Coast or turned off the TV in the 7th inning of the #ALWildcard and are waking up this am  “WTF?”

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In Las Vegas, the Philadelphia 76ers are projected to win 15.5 games this season. That many?

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So parents of young children were supposed to get all upset because ‪#‎HunterPence‬ dropped some F bombs on television but the AL Wild Card can feature a Viagra commercial with a sultry blonde woman saying “Plenty of guys have this issue — not just getting an erection, but keeping it.”

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Some cynics are claiming that Chelsea Clinton’s baby was perfectly timed for media impact. Ridiculous. As if anyone looking for maximum publicity would ever time an event to coincide with George Clooney’s wedding.

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Theo Epstein said the Cubs’ “goal is the NL Central title next year.” And millions of women are thinking “Yeah, our goal was to marry George Clooney too.”

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Michael Phelps was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI. Clearly this man would be better off sticking to pot.

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Biggest disappointment of MNF – Nobody found Gisele Bündchen to ask what she thought of her husband’s Patriots teammates afterwards.

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New Lakers coach Bryon Scott says he loves that “pretty much everyone has written us off. That’s obviously fuel to the fire.” Alas the fire that is fueled might be longtime fans burning season tickets.

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The NFL has quickly admitted they made a mistake penalizing Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah, who knelt in Muslim prayer last night after returning a interception for a touchdown. This would never have happened had Abdullah played for the Raiders, they don’t get any interceptions for touchdowns.

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The Rocco Forte hotel chain is offering guests booked through certain travel agents free wi-fi for up to three devices in a room. And a lot of travelers are thinking “So how do we decide which three?”

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#‎TonySparano‬ was named the ‪#‎Raiders‬ interim head coach. But really, aren’t all head coaches in Oakland “interim”?

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The FCC today eliminated their local blackout rule for NFL games that are not sold out. although the league says they don’t expect to change policy, claiming in a statement “The NFL is the only sports league that televises every one of its games on free, over-the-air television.” And of course the statement was covered on NFL Network and ESPN.

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Headline about the latest alleged Secret Service fail. “Obama Rode Elevator With Armed Ex-Convict.” Of course, these days an armed ex-con COULD be an elected official from an open carry state.

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Gone but not forgotten…

September 28, 2014

The Empire State Building tonight featured blue and white pinstripes in honor of Derek Jeter. The worst thing now that Jeter has finally retired? New Yorkers have to turn their attention to the Jets.

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And yes, I know it’s about being the face of a franchise.   But the sad thing, MLB has paid much more attention to the retirement of Derek Jeter than to the death of Tony Gwynn.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finally won a game today. And the 2008 Detroit Lions and 1976 Bucs presumably popped some cans of generic beer.

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Teddy Bridgewater, who took over for injured Vikings QB Matt Cassell, left today’s Minnesota win with a sprained ankle. “I’m available, I’m available” said Brett Favre.

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Wonder what the ‪#‎NFL‬ record is for scoring by a team without using the offense? ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎49ers‬.

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The NFL is trying hard to build their brand in England. And today’s game will help in one way. – even casual British sports fans will know the ‪#‎Raiders‬ s*ck.

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Rory McIlroy led Europe to another Ryder Cup win today. McIlroy is looking unstoppable, as long as he doesn’t cheat on a woman who knows how to handle a golf club.

 

Have to wonder how good the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have been had they just pushed the ‪#‎panik‬ button earlier this year.

 

Okay, really, glad she’s okay. But how many people could type “Jennifer Lopez” and “rear-ended” in the same sentence without giggling?

 

Would just one of these Republicans saying that we need “boots on the ground” to fight ISIS volunteer to fill a pair of those boots?

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More stuff you can’t make up. English version: the UK Sunday Mirror reports a leading Conservative minister, Brooks Newark, resigned over having exchanged explicit photos with someone he thought was a “20-something Tory PR woman”, but turned out to be a male reporter. Newark, a married father of five, had been heading up “Women2Win” – the Prime Minister’s drive to get more women in politics….

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Okay, who had the last undefeated teams in the ‪#‎NFL‬ in 2014 being the ‪#‎Cardinals‬ & ‪#‎Bengals‬? Now all you liars lower your hands.

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Worst part of tonight’s ‪#‎NOvsDAL‬ game is ‪#‎JerryJones‬ looking like a genius for firing ‪#‎RobRyan‬

Making waves.

September 22, 2014

A fake ad on Twitter suggested that Apple iOS 8 users could charge their phones in the microwave. Apparently some people have tried. And somewhere Darwin is weeping.

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After a long separation, Bruce and Kris Jenner have announced they are divorcing. Apparently the train wreck that has become the NFL is taking too many headlines away from the Kardashians.

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So ‪#‎BruceJenner‬ and ‪#‎KrisJenner‬ are divorcing. Guess Kris finally decided for sure she wasn’t gay?

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SF WR Anquan Boldin claimed the officiating cost the 49ers “another game” yesterday. Of course, what’s this team really needed was the refs to call the game over after three quarters.

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A German FIFA executive says he doesn’t think the 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar. Because they’ve finally come to their senses on the heat? Or because someone is offering a FIFA a bigger bribe?.

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Need to tell ‪#‎Panda‬ that salary drive year means hitting more than his weight in Sept. He’s barely hitting Lincecum’s weight ‪#‎SfGiants‬

 

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Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti complained today that the ESPN report about the Ray Rice case was from “a majority of the sources [who] are people that work for Ray Almost everything in there is anonymous, but it’s clear from the subject matter that it’s Ray’s attorney, it’s Ray’s agent, it’s Ray’s friends.” Possibly, but one thing Bisciotti didn’t say was that anything in the report was untrue.

 

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Sarah Palin defended her family on Facebook after the brawl earlier this month where police were called, with a post that included a picture of Bristol with a gun ‘“I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar!”
This might be the first time that “Bristol Palin” and “work” have been mentioned in the same sentence.


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