Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

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Youth and skill…

May 16, 2013

Are sometimes overrated.  Signed the old and treacherous San Antonio Spurs.  (But nice try, Warriors.)

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Who’s rooting hardest for the New York Knicks to stay in the NBA playoffs? Might be the Mets and Jets. As long as the Knicks are alive it keeps their problems off the front page.

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Former Oakland Raider 1st round draft pick Rolando McClain, 23, just retired after signing with the Ravens. But McClain, who’s been arrested 3 times in 2 years, says he’s only leaving football to get his personal life in order and “God willing,”might play in the NFL again. Right, because nothing helps you get things together than having millions of dollars and nothing to do.

 

(An interesting aside, Ryan Duca points out that dating back 10 years, the Raiders have zero 1st or 2nd round picks that they made still on the roster.)

 

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The White House would really like to get these negative stories off the front page. Wonder how much they’ve offered to have Carnival Cruise Lines strand another ship somewhere?

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A bipartisan House committee says say have an agreement “in principle,” on immigration reform. What?! How did they find the time with all these more important questions to deal with like Benghazi and the IRS tea party targeting? .

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Another thought about the IRS and targeting potential conservative tax-exempt organizations. Yes, again, stupid. But if the agency had that much political power wouldn’t they have taken away the exemption for Karl Rove’s “Crossroads GPS?”

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Hillary Clinton has been announced as a speaker for the ASTA travel agent convention this September. And no doubt Bill has told her “Honey, you need to travel and see as many vacation destinations as possible beforehand.”

 

The latest player caught in baseball’s testing program is a Marlins minor league pitcher who has been suspended 50 games. If you have to cheat and you can’t even make the Miami Marlins roster, maybe it’s time to find a new career choice.

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WTF? Dick Cheney on Benghazi: “In my past experience when we got into these situations — especially after 9/11 — we were always there, locked and loaded, ready to go on 9/11.” So after Benghazi who does Cheney think Obama should have invaded?‘

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Florida is trying to get rid of gambling machines, which some think means they should shut down games inside Chuck E. Cheese. Although patrons would still be gambling that they could find anything edible.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban said that former assistant coach Tim Davis’s calling him “the devil himself” was “terribly disappointing.” I believe Saban prefers the term “God.”

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MLB is thinking of expanding video review in 2014 and possibly making all calls other than balls or strikes subject to instant replay. Stand by for Yankees-Red Sox games going from four to five hours.

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David Beckman has announced his retirement.  Once again Brett Favre responded: “the first time is the hardest.”

 

American Airlines is trying something smart. Allowing passengers whose only carry-on item fits under the seat to board early, in hopes of avoiding the slowdown when folks try to get their suitcases overhead. Now the fun, watching passengers insist their large bags fit under the seat…..

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Now, on the other side of smart,  American managed to lose a box containing a gold worth $625,000 at Miami International Airport.  The airline believes it was stolen after it was unloaded onto the tarmac.

And here you thought it was just your cheap luggage they couldn’t keep track of….

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From Bill Littlejohn:  San Francisco pitcher Jeremy Affedlt discovered a clerical error from earlier in his contract and, as a result, returned $500,000.00 back to the Giants.A similar situation with Alex Rodriguez might involve the return of the Louisiana Purchase.

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Venezuela, which has been dealing with all kinds of consumer goods and food shortages, now has a shortage of toilet paper. Insert “deep doo-doo” joke here:

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First things first but…

April 18, 2013

After we find and prosecute the Boston Marathon bombers, think there’s any way to prosecute some of the media who printed photos of innocent men as suspects?

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Derek Jeter apparently has a small crack in his surgically repaired left ankle and will be out at least until the All-Star break. At this point the Yankees may decide to seek a second opinion from an expert paleontologist.

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Mitt Romney said today that President Obama gave a “superb” speech at the memorial for the Boston Marathon bombing victims. Well, heck, if the Yankees and Red Sox can get along for a few days, maybe bipartisan goodwill is possible. For a few days anyway.

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And on the subject of bipartisan agreement….    My friend Ed Murrell and I will probably would never vote the same way on anything. But I agree with him on this post of his today.    So what – the league put out a schedule today…..“Sports radio has become a boring, monotonous NFL advertisement. Who honestly gives a !@#$%^& about the NFL schedule. You’ve got no life if you’re into that mess.”

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-NY Mets vs. Colorado Rockies today in 30 degree weather in Denver. 30 degrees? That’s colder than the Mets’ bats. MLB says more stringent security measures will be in place at ballparks. So fans may need to arrive earlier as the league tries to guard against terrorists attacks on big crowds. Well, at least Marlins fans are safe.

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A thought  from Michael Hayne that would be funnier if it weren’t rather true.  ” The great thing about being white is we’re never a terrorist, we just have a mental illness.”

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Chris Culliver, the SF 49ers’ player who ended up in trouble for his anti-gay comments during Super Bowl week, now posted on Instagram photos of a iPhone conversation referring to women as “bitches” and “hoes.” There is just no cure for stupid.

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Now that Britney Griner is officially out, really rooting for Mark Cuban’s idea. Would be fun if the first openly gay athlete in a major men’s professional sport turned out to be a woman.Another thought about the Senators who voted against more government control over guns. So why doesn’t their support of individual freedom extend to things like legalized marijuana and prostitution?

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Turns out the man suspected of sending letters contacting ricin-laden letters to President Obama and Sen. Roger Wicker is an Elvis impersonator from Tupelo. Geez. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this kind of stuff would kill him.

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Whichever side you’re on, it seems pretty clear that if Senators were afraid they would lose their next election for voting against background checks, some of them would have put aside their principled defense of gun rights.

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If a coach yells in the forest…

April 4, 2013

With no one to record him, is he still fired?

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Many unfortunate lessons from the Mike Rice fiasco at Rutgers. And while his actions were inexcusable, have to wonder, how was the now ex-coach stupid enough to think you now can do ANYTHING around other people without someone having at least a camera phone.

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The #Nike ad said “Winning takes care of everything.” Mike Rice’s record at #Rutgers was 44-51.

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What’s a bigger surprise?  That Barry Zito is pitching the  SF Giants home opener?  Or that SF fans are happy about it.

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A fun stat for SF Bay Area friends from my friend Hartley Miller: Sharks/Warriors/Giants/A’s won Wednesday, 1st time all 4 Bay Area teams won on same day since April 18, 2007

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In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they were in favor of legalizing marijuana. Which is impressive considering that most regular pot users’ response was “uh, what was the question again?”

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Quote of the year from an NBA player: Shane Battier, when asked whether a Griner NBA tryout would be positive for women athletes or if it would be seen merely as an attention-grabbing sideshow. “Listen, this whole (NBA) is a sideshow, what’s one more trailer?”

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Fast food workers in New York City are going on strike. Wonder how long it will take Mayor Bloomberg to step in, and see if he can keep it going for a few years.

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San Jose’s mayor says he thinks it’s time for him to meet with MLB commission Bud Selig about the A’s proposed move. Wonder how long it will take Selig to come up with a Blue Ribbon committee to look into a meeting.

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Forget PED’s. Maybe NFL teams should focus on Twitter control: Buffalo Bills’ WR Stevie Johnson “‘War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea …. but if ya’ll do bomb 1st… Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely, #BillsMafia’”

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Former California Lt. Gov Abel Maldonado says he will run for Calif. Gov against Jerry Brown in 2014. Using strategists who worked on presidential campaign for John McCain and Jon Huntsman, and the advertising consultant who worked for Carly Fiorina. And those campaigns all worked out so well…..

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Talking with a Canadian friend – realized I could go buy a gun at Walmart here in the U.S., but they wouldn’t sell me .222s (Aspirin with caffeine and codeine, nonprescription in Canada.) What a country.

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Cardinals Pro Bowl LB Cardinals Daryl Washington has been suspended the first 4 games of 2013 for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Which means he’ll be back in time to earn another Pro Bowl spot this year. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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So in heaven tonight, Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs back up?

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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle Arnold says that his family encouraged him to get back onto the track to help stabilize him emotionally… We believe it is a vital step in helping him deal with the trauma.” Even O.J. Simpson is thinking ‘Have you no shame?”

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The Chicago Cubs are in first place. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

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The report is that during their 2011, Auburn altered grades from players in some classes to keep them eligible. When asked about it several former players allegedly responded “grades? “classes?”

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Some are upset because today after President Obama praised Kamala Harris as “brilliant and dedicated and tough… and the best-looking attorney general in the country.” So, okay, maybe he should have picked Beau Biden?

(But seriously, really folks?  Obama didn’t make any comments about Harris’ figure, and he didn’t go on about it like Brent Musberger, and he didn’t just compliment her looks.   ( For that matter he didn’t give her a neck rub.)   Just get the sense we need to loosen up a bit.  IMHO )

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Only about 325 to go?

March 18, 2013

Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal involving 90 days in rehab. It’s all part of Los Angeles’s “33 strikes and you’re out policy”

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First Elvis Dumervil’s late fax, now, according to the Patriots, Wes Welker’s agent is the reason the WR isn’t back with New England. Hard to believe there’s been this much bad publicity about agents and Scott Boras isn’t involved.

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John Boehner has said today that he ‘can’t imagine’ his views on gay marriage will ever shift, even if he had a son who was gay. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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Belated St. Patrick’ Day toast. “May your troubles last as long as your pristine brackets.”

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Video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. said today their CEO will step down at the end of the month. Shocking to many in Silicon Valley. Electronic Arts is still in business?!

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One of the young men convicted in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case apologized and said “No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.” Uh, what about nothing they took pictures of should have happened, PERIOD.

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Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh, says the team will be different next year but that’s a good thing — “The worst mistake you can make is trying to hold a team together” And Florida Marlins fans are thinking “Not exactly.”

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Pablo Sandoval apparently has a mild elbow injury. SF Giants just hope the doctor tells him to stop lifting burritos, burgers, pizza….

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Disneyland now says children under 14 must have an older person with them to enter the Magic Kingdom. Translation, we are no longer going to be your babysitter.

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RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that “Focus groups described (the GOP) as ‘narrow minded,’ ‘out of touch,’ and ‘stuffy old men.’” Who says Americans don’t pay attention to politics?

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Tiger Woods has officially announced that he and Lindsey Vonn are dating. Presumably Tiger has turned over a new leaf with women, as he’s smart enough to know that a world champion skier might have better aim with a golf club….

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Watching a repeat of the Daily Show featuring Sandra Day O’Connor. Is it too late to have her rejoin the Supreme Court and have Antonin Scalia take her place in retirement?

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Tuckered out?

March 15, 2013

The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis’s voice yelling ‘So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?”

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Riddle of the morning: What’s the difference between a dirty play and a good hard aggressive play? Answer: Whether or not it happens to YOUR team.

 

Nicki Minaj said of one of her favorite American Idol contestants on elimination night – “If you go home, I’m going home.” And most of America said “Promise?”"

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Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn’t make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they WOULD have been World Champions if not for Kobe’s injury.

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So allegedly Kris Humphries’ lawyers have obtained a deposition from a producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” saying Kim not only knew about the “surprise” proposal, she had them reshoot the scene to make her reaction look better. “I can’t believe she would be that tacky” said absolutely nobody.

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In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as “freeloaders.” Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term.

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Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? #guncontrol

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Clearly don’t know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren’t football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail?

 

Not saying the Notre Dame day-glo lime green basketball uniforms are ugly, but even Oregon football players are saying “What were you THINKING?”

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The USA fell to 33rd in FIFA rankings. Of course, part of the problem – most Americans said “What’s FIFA?”

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Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez’s body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be “quite difficult.” Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.’s fault.

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The Carnival Dream has mechanical problems and is stuck at the dock in St. Martin. Good thing they picked a Pope yesterday so CNN can devote the entire day again to this major story.

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from T.C.  “Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks.”

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Spring break?

March 1, 2013

Steve Nash says he does not regret deciding to join the Los Angeles Lakers. Makes sense, at his age, Nash likes the idea having playoff season off.

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In the Honda Classic tournament Thursday Tiger Woods walked into the water on the 6th hole to play a partially submerged ball and save par. Of course, long-time golf fans remember the days Tiger used to walk on water to make birdies.

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Dennis Rodman has been publicly and happily hanging out in Pyongyang with Kim Jong Un. Well, this ought to dispel North Koreans’ image of Americans as a strange and perverted people.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: A California woman says she was fired for being pregnant by her fiance (who is now her husband.) Because pre-marital sex was in violation of the San Diego Christian College “Handbook and Community Covenant.” The part you can’t make up, the school then the man they knew to be her fiance a job.

(of course, if they really believed the fiance to be innocent of premarital sex maybe they should have not only reinstated the woman but made joyful planes for a Second Coming.)

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The subcompact Toyota Yaris has a speedometer that goes up to 140 mph, although apparently the car can’t top 109. On the other hand, many scales designed for American adults still have all the numbers below 100.

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So I’m low-tech, but have to think most of America is wondering -  is there an app that would allow you to watch American Idol and automatically block not only commercials, but also block  Nicki Minaj?

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Asked about his position on a bill in Wisconsin requiring ultrasounds before abortions, GOP Rep. Sean Duffy responded “I don’t know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is. I’ve never had one.” And women are thinking, “Hmm, how can we demonstrate the concept to him?”

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All this controversy over NFL prospects being asked about their sexual orientation…. Maybe some teams are hoping for gay players… would cut down on the out-of-wedlock children.

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Pope Benedict’s farewell tour has everything but a bobblehead.

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Lindsay Lohan is heading for another trial, this time over last year’s car crash, after reportedly rejecting rehab plea bargain that would have kept her out of jail. Makes sense, not like a trial has ever really put her in jail either.

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Baltimore’s Terrell Suggs said he “guarantees the other 31 [NFL] teams hate the New England Patriots.” Is Suggs working on having 31 teams hate the Ravens too?

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from TC  – “Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a supporter of gay rights, said that the NFL will have its first openly gay player by 2014. Vegas has already made any Tight End player a 1-5 favorite. Second choice at 1-1 is anyone named Rock or Elton.”

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No such thing as bad publicity?

February 22, 2013

The NFL apparently wants to move their  combine, the start of free agency, and the draft, to early March, April and May respectively. This so the league has one “big event” each month during the offseason. Well, other than arrests.

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If Oscar Pistorius is released on bail, his coach said the “Blade Runner” will resume training next week. And here Nike thought Tiger Woods’ marital issues made him an embarrassing spokesperson.

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At this point the Pistorius investigation is inviting comparisons to the O.J. Simpson case.  But so far, compared to the South Africans, the LAPD is looking competent.

 

Former Illinois sergeant Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years for the drowning death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. The case shocked state residents. They’re not used to sending policemen to prison, only politicians.

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The NY Post reported that Lindsay Lohan ended up ruining a $1750 dress she borrowed for Fashion Week. Shocking. Who would be stupid enough to loan Lindsay a dress

 

Bill Littlejohn, on Art Imitating Life.  “Lew Temple — Axel from The Walking Dead — was once a scout for the Houston Astros.”

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Indiana’s state Senate advanced a bill to “protect women’s safety” by requiring an transvaginal ultrasound both before and after having a first trimester abortion. Well, while they’re at it, how about protecting men’s safety by requiring a rectal ultrasound before and after a prostrate exam?

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The lawyer for the former mayor of Bell, California, who is on trial for misappropriating funds, says his client was too uneducated to realize that his $100,000 salary for a part-time job was illegal. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.

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Welcome to America. Quote from a English tourist about the shootout on the Las Vegas Strip this morning: “This doesn’t happen where we come from. We get stabbings, but this is like something out of a movie. Like ‘Die Hard’ or something.”

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Back to the Oscar show. Okay, maybe this is U.S.-centric, but I’m having a hard time imagining how a detective who is facing an attempted murder charge even gets on another murder case in the first place.

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If you’re unhappy and you know it….

January 26, 2013

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie supported QB Mark Sanchez by saying “When you don’t have a supporting cast, you’re going to get an average or below-average quarterback.” Well, actually the Jets had a great supporting cast, aka “Les Miserables.”

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Lance Armstrong’s lawyer told the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that the cyclist will help ”clean up cycling.”    Makes as much sense as Bill Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage Act.”

 

Titus Young, who has been sent home from the Detroit Lions 3 times in 2 years for insubordination, is now saying things on Twitter like “Oh I’m not done, if y’all going to cut me let me go” and threatening to retire if he doesn’t get the football. Even T.O. is thinking “Just STFU.”

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Dwight Howard on the Los Angeles Lakers: “Negativity just got to stop. I’m sick of hearing about it. We got to bring some positivity to the situation.” (And no doubt thinking “Especially because it’s harming my value on the free agent market when I’m out of here next season”)

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UCLA’s compliance department is investigating basketball star Shabazz Muhammad’s Gucci backpack, which the freshman wore it yesterday on television after the Arizona game. Uh, this one’s easy for Muhammad, just say he got the backpack on Canal Street on a trip to New York.

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This may only make sense to frequent fliers, but United Airlines has decided that 30 minutes is enough time at JFK airport to connect from their flight to a Swiss flight. Terminal 7 to Terminal 4. Really?! You’d have a better chance of seeing Tim Tebow lead the Jets to a Super Bowl.

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Sarah Palin, who has been a contributor to Fox News since 2010, is leaving the network, saying that it is her decision. Didn’t know Palin had signed a 6 year contract.

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Carl Pavano will be out for six to eight weeks after rupturing spleen shoveling show at home in Vermont. Hearing this the SF Giants breathed a sigh of relief that Jeremy Affeldt lives in Arizona.

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The California Highway Patrol says a naked woman has been arrested after allegedly driving her car into her fiance. How long until we can expect a made-for-tv movie starring Lindsay Lohan?

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Mark Zuckerberg is having a fundraiser at his home for Chris Christie. But given the New Jersey governor’s penchant for controversial statements, how long until Mark changes this relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch “footlong” sandwiches. If these clowns don’t want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they’d better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches.

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Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal yesterday ” We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.” Looks like he’s racing Chris Christie to see who can get thrown out of the GOP first.

 

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman thinks there’s “a chance” Alex Rodriguez could miss the whole season. Which means the third baseman could come as close to leading New York to another World Championship as he did in 2012.

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Never on Sunday?

December 24, 2012

At this point, what’s the difference between the NY Jets and the Giants postseason hopes? About another week.

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Ah,  the NFL and television.   Sunday morning CBS and the league gave football fans on the West Coast the Oakland Raiders vs. the Carolina Panthers.    Wasn’t there a more meaningful game on, like the Poulan Weed-Eater bowl or something?

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Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama.

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Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother….

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Richard Sherman’s appeal of his positive test for Adderall claims it was a contaminated sample because of a leaky cup, and a 2nd cup with a broken seal placed underneath it. You’d think a Stanford grad would have just come up with a way to get a legal prescription for the stuff.  (And note to readers,  this is not sour grapes, my personal bias is to  root for the Saints, not the 49ers.)

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Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father “wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it.

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Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business.

 

Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted…for baseball? (True, and to quote Bull Durham’s Annie Savoy, “you could look it up.”)

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The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant “The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain.” So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests?

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So the NRA’s idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses.    Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State.  (Not as horrific or as long a list as Sandy Hook  – but ….Jeffrey Miller, 20, Allison Krause, 19,  William Schroeder, 19.  Sandra Scheuer, 20.)

 

Augie wonders in this gun control debate,  if  we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher’s  union?

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Snow place like home.

December 22, 2012

The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.

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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013″ Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”

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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.

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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Wow.  The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.

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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.

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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?

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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy.  Or just plain old union thugs?

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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?

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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….

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Great, so today Facebook was asking today  “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?”    Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?

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The NFL and other distractions:

December 17, 2012

 

 

Roger Goodell has to be breathing a sigh of relief with the SF 49ers’ win tonight: One week closer to the Seattle Seahawks not voting a Division Winner’s share to the replacement refs.

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The 49ers won 41-31 after blowing a 31-3 in the second half.     now 31-24.   San Francisco fans had to wonder if they were watching the last two quarters of the game or a Movie-of-the-Week showing of the Titanic?

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Got to love the NFL, a number of games with playoff implications on now and those of us in Northern California got Chiefs-Raiders? It’s as if say, a top-ten Bowl Matchup was on and arbitrarily some of us only got the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.

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Missed the post game news conference,   so  how  much did Gisele Bundchen complain about her husband’s Patriot teammates?

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Meanwhile,  watching Big Ben against the  Dallas Cowboys was kind of like watching Notre Dame against USC.    Had to root  for a tie.  (missed it by THAT much.)

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Wonder if before the Miami Dolphins-Jacksonville Jaguars game if both teams were told the winner might have the chance to join the SEC?

 

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So do the Redskins really not need RG3 after all.  Or are the Cleveland Browns just that bad?

 

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An usher was shaken up today during the Rams-Vikings when after a touchdown catch St. Louis WRs Danny Amendola spiked the ball and it hit him in the face. Well, at least ushers in Arizona who work for the Cardinals know they are safe.

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So since the NY Jets have this week’s MNF game, Tim Tebow has Sunday off. Which actually isn’t much different than any weekend he’s been on the Jets roster.

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I am clearly missing part of the “girly” gene. Just saw an ad for “Jimmy Choo” perfume. And thinking “Why would you want to smell like a shoe?”

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A thought about the Dodgers and Angels stockpiling high-priced talent: The Detroit Tigers went into the World Series with the league MVP and the best pitcher in baseball. And how did that work out for them?

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One million morons?

December 7, 2012

Uh, really? This from “One Million Moms,” about the latest J C Penney cute holiday commercial: “A new JCP ad features Ellen (Degeneres) and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets.” And somewhere Jesus is probably thinking “Don’t lay this on me, morons, I love Ellen.”

(and actually, “One Million Moms” is reputedly an organization of about 40,000.)

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Jim DeMint is resigning his South Carolina Senate seat to take over as president of the Heritage Foundation. According to Charitywatch.org, the salary for the position is currently $1,172,321. No wonder DeMint didn’t want to raise taxes on the super rich. He’s about to become super rich.

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Rumors that some are trying to draft Stephen Colbert to run for senate in Jim DeMints’ place. Well, it sure would increase ratings for C-Span.

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The Yankees have apparently offered Kevin Youkilis a 1-year, $12 million deal. If he signs, expect an economic stimulus in Boston, as t-shirt vendors dig up those old traitor-Judas patterns they used for Damon.

 

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A Florida man was arrested after he told police he left a pit bull to watch a 10 month old baby while he went to a bar to drink beer. Scary thing, the dog was probably more responsible than the man.

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Some Americans who don’t like reading about the British Royal family don’t like the idea of people being important just because of an accident of birth. But hey, how’s that George W. Bush library going?

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Gay marriage and marijuana smoking are now legal in Washington. So get ready for some fabulous high times!

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Esquire Magazine has come out with a list of “Gifts under $25 that don’t suck.”  Of course, if you choose  any of them from the list, your recipients may now know you’re both unimaginative and cheap.

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Can’t understand how football players get the reputation for being neanderthals: Vikings LB Chad Greenway told a local paper that fans should get “super-duper drunk” Sunday to help Minnesota’s home-field advantage against the Bears- “Yeah I would say morning drinking. Why not? You could pull an all-nighter. Then you’d have the drunk, tired guys who will really be obnoxious.”

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Anna Gristina, known as New York’s “Hockey Mom Madam” says she is going to start naming client names, including some from the NFL. Well, not sure how their wives might feel, but on some level the idea that NFL players actually pay for consensual sex is better than many alternatives…

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NBA Commisioner David Stern defends his $250,000 fine of the Spurs for sending 3 stars home because the “club went beyond what owners agreed was a reasonable approach to resting healthy players”. Uh, one, does anyone think if San Antonio wasn’t playing Miami on TV that Stern would have noticed. And two, the Spurs still almost beat the Heat.

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Election eve.

November 5, 2012

Just think, in two more days none of us will be receiving countless emailed solicitations for political donations. Those emails will be replaced by countless solicitations for Christmas shopping.

 

 

Actually, if we really want to increase voter turnout and stimulate the economy, maybe what stores should do is offer a discount to anyone this week who can provide proof of voting?

 

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Just two more days, and all the U.S. undecided voters can go back to annoying the rest of us over more difficult decisions like “Paper vs. Plastic?”

 

One of these years Republicans will try to win an election by fielding a good enough candidate to make them WANT to allow as many people to vote as possible.

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Karl Rove is already blaming Hurricane Sandy for a potential Romney loss? If so, would that give further credence to those who have been saying for a while “God is coming, and boy is She pissed?”

 

New BCS standings are out, and five of the top eight teams are from the SEC. How did those other three get in there?

 

 

Washington, D.C. is hoping to return to some semblance of normalcy after the election. The Redskins, alas, are already there.

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Stanford changed quarterbacks Saturday and shut out Colorado 48-0. And many NY Jets fans are shouting “Did you see that, Rex Ryan?!”

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Kevin Hogan reminded Stanford football fans Saturday of what it was like to play with a little bit of Luck.

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Got to love polls – sports version. Stanford, #15 with the AP college football rankings – beat Colorado 48 to ZERO. And was dropped to #16.

 

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Another Saturday score, Oregon 62, USC 51.   How did it miss my attention that the NIT men’s basketball tournament must have started this weekend?

 

Sarah Palin’s SARAH PAC donated $5,000 to Mitt Romney’s campaign…on the last day of October. So until then was she an undecided voter too?

 

Andrew Luck set a new single game rookie passing record today with 433 yards. Maybe Kevin Hogan got him fired up too?

 

 

Chris Christie, facing criticism for his perceived support of Obama this week said he is voting for Romney, but “If the president of United States comes here and he’s willing to help my people and he does it then I’m gonna say nice things about him because he’s earned it.” Heresy!

(Charlie Crist was drummed out of the GOP for less.)

 

 

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Can you find me now?

September 28, 2012

Many customers are so unhappy with Apple’s new Maps application that they want to storm the company headquarters. Fortunately for Apple, if they use the new App they’ll never find it.

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You can tell many in the sports world have moved on when ESPN radio guys muse without a trace of irony today about Michael Vick being on a short leash.

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Give the Ryder Cup credit, who’d a thunk you’d ever hear a “USA USA” chant on a golf course?

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Rex Ryan now admits he mistook Alex Smith for Aaron Rodgers at this year’s NFL awards. Didn’t know Smith and Rodgers had the same shoe size.

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And who ever thought before this lockout that anyone would ever see this headline? “Fans greet NFL refs with standing ovation.”

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United Airlines beverage napkin: “Planes change. Values don’t’. Your priorities will always be ours.”. Even Romney and Obama on the campaign trail are crying bullsh*t.

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Sign of how far civilization has come – Direct TV on planes. Sign that the Mayans may have been rIght – one offering is “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

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Wonder why the Cleveland Indians fired manager Manny Acta with only six games left in the season? Guess they wanted him to suffer this year  as much as the fans did.

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The NBA says they will institute procedures to reduce “flopping.”  Instead of fouls during the game, however, the league office will probably do postgame reviews, and fine the offenders.   Will they refer to the new rule as the “Ginobili tax?”

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Referees are missing calls, I’m shocked, shocked….

September 25, 2012

Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.

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Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.

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Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.

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Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh?   (There might still be crime tape on the field. )

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The possible  real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.

 

 

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On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.

 

Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?

 

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Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.

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Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.

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A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.

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Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.

 

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At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.

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In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.

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Replacement referees, weak 3.

September 24, 2012

What a country. I think many bad Supreme Court decisions have resulted in less outrage.

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Jon Gruden, in the midst of his rant against replacement referees, said that “Green Bay shouldn’t have to fly 6,000 miles back home with a loss here”. 6,000 miles? Yeah, this ought to do wonders for the dumb jock image.

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A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? (And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs.)

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Drew Brees described the replacement refs in the Saints’ game Sunday as “horrendous.” Assuming Drew just got a friend request from Aaron Rodgers.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up – - Mitt Romney on Ann’s plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

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An ex-Intel executive, who cooperated with investigators, escaped with a fine and probation for giving confidential info about his company to a New York hedge fund manager. Gosh, wonder if he had done something really bad, like sold an extra large soda?

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A flight attendant for US Airways Express was caught with a loaded gun in her handbag at Philadelphia International Airport. Well, that’s one airline where passengers may now think twice about whining for a second drink.

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Heath Bell, who lost the Marlins’ closer job, is complaining about Ozzie Guillen saying   “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face.” Wonder if Guillen’s response would be “It’s hard to respect a guy with a 5.19 ERA who’s converted 19 of 26 save opportunities.

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Police said that renters moving into a home Sunday morning in Modesto, discovered a body. Yikes. Guessing someone won’t get their cleaning deposit back.

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How times have changed. Next Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger is appearing on “60 Minutes” to plug his new “tell-all” book. Remember the days when some were hoping to change the constitution so that Arnold could run for President?

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Mitt Romney last night “We do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital….” Of course insurance for preventive care might have kept that heart attack from happening in the first place.

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Kerri Walsh Jennings just revealed she was pregnant when she and her partner won their last Gold medal at the London Olympics. And may I join millions of women around the world in saying “Weaker sex, my ass.”

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Any given away Sunday.

September 23, 2012

Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.

 

Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”

 

(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one.  Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)

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Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?

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Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.

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After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.

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Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.

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RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?

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NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.

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Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”

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#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama  November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.

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Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.

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A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?

 

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More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote.   It also included  “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question  “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)

 

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If you’re reading this.

September 20, 2012

You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5.   Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old.   Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”

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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.

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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?

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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?

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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?

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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.

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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”

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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.

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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?

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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.

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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.

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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.

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Letdown?

September 17, 2012

Wonder how many viewers tuned into tonight’s  49er-Lions game and were secretly disappointed by the relative lack of violence? Especially between the Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.

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Jim Harbaugh tonight borrowed Molly Ivins’ line about Ann Richards to praise his QB Alex Smith, saying he was “tougher than a two-dollar steak.”   And a Golden Corral Restaurants spokesman said,  “Hey, what did we ever do to you?”

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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he will go to court to force teachers back to work. Which means either he thinks the union has gone too far, or he realizes children don’t vote.

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Have to wonder if the Cowboys will feel the same sense of urgency this week in signing that long term contract with Tony Romo?

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The Patriots fell at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Frustrated New England fans are wondering if they can blame it on Bobby Valentine?

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Dwight Howard in an ESPN interview to air tonight” That’s one of the lessons that I learned, you know. I can’t make everybody happy.” Here’s a hint, Dwight, if you can’t make up your mind, you don’t make anyone happy.

(Even Lebron James is saying,  “Hey, bro, at least I made a decision.”)

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Reggie Bush had such a good day, wonder if we should expect Kim Kardashian to reconsider?

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A new study has 7 signs of being a “shopaholic,” One supposed sign “You experience a rush of excitement when you buy.” Of course there’s a name for people like that, they’re called “women.”

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“I am not a witch” Christine O’Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying “I think I owe that to my supporters.” Not to mention the nation’s struggling comedy writers.

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Love these “bombshells.” The National Enquirer has a headline story about Malia and Sasha’s private school, saying 71% of students said they have attended parties where drugs or alcohol available. Wow. Would guess in most high schools it’s closer to 100%. (And wonder if that counted their parents’ parties.

(as a friend says,  well, that means 29% percent of the kids have already learned how to lie.)

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Stanford’s number 9?! Okay, not too bad after barely beating San Jose State and beating that other California team by a touchdown.

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My favorite statistic from last night’s Stanford-USC game: As the clock ran out in the first half with the Cardinal protecting against a Hail Mary, Curtis McNeal ran for 30 yards. Without that the Trojans would have been in minus numbers for net rushing.

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Netanyahu said today that the U.S. must establish a clear “red line” that Iran cannot cross with its nuclear program if it wants to avoid war. Sometimes I wonder, does the PM realize Americans are not electing a President of Israel?

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Another statement on Libya: “This is a time when we all should reflect on those who continue to give, even the last measure, of service and sacrifice, to promoting and defending America’s interests abroad. This is above all a reminder that politics should end at the water’s edge.” From Jon Huntsman, proving again why he was too sane to make it through the GOP primary.

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Moving on.

August 31, 2012

The  GOP in the end got their convention in with minimal damage from Hurricane Isaac. And the Dems next week feel pretty sure no storm will damage their show. Heck, with Joe Biden big winds feel it’s a matter of professional courtesy.

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So the “mystery guest” at the GOP convention was Clint Eastwood. Guess Clint didn’t read what Republicans said about him after that that “Halftime in America” ad.

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Wrote this before,  but…  If Mitt Romney were somehow to win in November, Madame Tussaud’s will face a real challenge – how to make a wax figure of a wax figure.

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As Isaac moves on, looks like New Orleans, a very blue dot in a very red state, escaped with minimal damage compared to the conservative rural areas nearby on the Louisiana and Mississippi coasts. Waiting for the fire-and-brimstone sermons about God’s intentions on this one.

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New Orleans appears to have made it through Isaac with minimal damage. So on Saturday the Superbowl,   instead of housing 20,000 refugees, will only hold several thousand folks who couldn’t find anything better to do than a Rutgers-Tulane football game.

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Some in the GOP are complaining about Chris Christie fast food and other “fat” jokes. Guess they forgot some of the humor includes recycled pre-heart-attack Bill Clinton jokes.

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Chad Billingsley may be out for the year. Bad news for the Dodgers. Good news for teams trying to dump pitchers signed to $100 million+ contracts.

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A new study found that extreme calorie restriction may not actually improve longevity. Well, and who wanted to live to be 100 and be hungry ALL the time anyway? -
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The NFL is starting Week 1 with replacement refs, leading many to worry that a mistake could be made that affects the outcome of the season. Like misapplying the “tuck rule?”

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An odd thought about Thursday’s GOP finale. So what happened to Hurricane Isaac? It delayed the convention, killed a few people and caused some serious damage in the U.S.. But not enough of a disaster to give Obama the chance to have a Presidential photo-op, so now not worth mentioning?

(Although let’s be fair, neither Louisiana nor Mississippi, the two hardest hit states, are swing states.  If so Obama’s federal aid would have been in a close race with Romney’s “private” charities to show up to deliver aid.)

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