Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Puffs and magic.

August 19, 2014

Apparently after the Milwaukee Mile Indycar race the winner is awarded Cream Puffs and it often turns into a food fight. This year, the winner, WIll Power, had to have his ear irrigated after some of the smashed pastry ended up causing a blockage. It was the most unexpected sports drama involving a cream puff since Georgia Southern beat Florida.

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For Sports analyst John Lynch, talking about Alex Smith “The guy is up there with the Peyton Mannings, the Drew Brees … ” So has Lynch been on recent road trips to Colorado or Washington?
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Some national sport headlines about the SEC getting 8 teams in the pre-season AP top 25 football poll. But the conference was hoping for all 14.

(Mark Simon says, “Some of the conference’s top players heard the news and thought :Wow! That’s almost half!”)

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Former Senator Jim Jeffords, 80, has passed away. He was once considered one of the most liberal Republicans. A creature known to the younger generation as only slightly rarer than a flying pig.

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Apparently Burger King’s is phasing out “Satisfries” a healthier french fry option, which had 20% fewer calories and 25% less fat than regular fries. Guess Satisfries weren’t a hit with the people who go to Burger King for health food- both of them.
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#JohnnyManziel gave the finger to Washington bench tonight. Showing that his maturity on the field matches his maturity off of it. #Browns
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President Obama, on the situation in Ferguson. “We should seek understanding rather than holler at each other.” And if that works, can they send the recipe to Congress?

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Yahoo Sports says the #NYYankees have the hardest remaining schedule of any playoff contender. Something that the team and ESPN would like to change. Only six games against the Boston Red Sox…..

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Orlando investigators say they have broken up a major trafficking ring that had shipped over 500 pounds of marijuana this year from California to hotels near Sea World and Disney World, where the pot was then sent to stash houses for distribution. Sort of puts a new slant on the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander and his girlfriend supermodel Kate Upton are two of the latest to douse each other with ice water for the ALS #icebucketchallenge. Wonder how much money they could raised had Kate volunteered to wear a sheer white t-shirt?

How many reasons?

August 15, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, was indicted on two charges relating to his efforts to force the resignation of a local district attorney. Wonder if the prosecutor couldn’t think of a third charge?

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Mo’Ne Davis threw a two-hit shutout for Philadelphia at Little League World Series today. Wonder how long it will take her to get a try-out with the Phillies.

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Police at Madrid’s airport arrested a 43-year-old woman for allegedly trying to smuggle to 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. What was their first clue? Really REALLY perky breasts?

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Notre Dame says they expect to suspend four football players, who allegedly violated the university’s honor code by receiving improper help on classwork. Many other college football players are shocked. Notre Dame players have classwork?

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Apparently Roger Goodell is now claiming he wanted to suspend Ray Rice for more than two games but didn’t feel he could do so due to precedent. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

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NY Mets manager Terry Collins says he told Matt Harvey, who he thought was working too hard on his rehab, to “back off” and that Harvey’s season is over. Makes sense. So is the Mets’.

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The man who invented the “pop-up” ad in the 90s has now apologized for creating it. Shouldn’t we blame Al Gore too, since he invented the internet?

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Saints’ tight end Jimmy Graham was flagged twice tonight for dunking over the goalposts after a touchdown. Maybe New Orleans should just practice kickoffs from the 20 yard line. #nofunleague

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Johnny Manziel was “a few minutes” late to a team meeting Monday morning. Wonder what his excuse was. Hard to believe Johnny found something to keep him up late Sunday night in Cleveland.

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From Bill Littlejohn  “On Browns’ management saying they will handle Manziel’s tardiness internally ‘In other words, next time he’ll have to produce a note from his bartender.'”

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#NYYankees have lost 5 games in a row. Stand by for the #ESPN special on how #DerekJeter is coping through this difficult time.

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KC Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe has been suspended one game for a violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. One game. This after a November marijuana arrest that was dismissed after Bowe pleaded guilty to littering and “defective equipment.” So he tossed away a lousy joint and didn’t inhale?

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Paul McCartney played the last concert at Candlestick Park last night. Although many of the nearly 50,000 with tickets couldn’t even get into the old stadium due to traffic, and it took fans hours to get out. So yes, memories of the Beatles and memories of why blowing the place up is overdue.

In San Jose, officers fatally shot a bipolar 19-year- old woman who had called police saying she was armed with “an Uzi” and would shoot her family if the cops didn’t come. The woman turned out to be carrying… a cordless power drill. Now, I’m sure we’ll learn more about this incident, but have to wonder, with all the stories about the easy availability of guns, doesn’t this make police- and everyone else- more likely to shoot because we believe everyone, even the crazies, are armed?

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They had it all

August 13, 2014

Two things that might be all the younger generation needs to know about Lauren Bacall who passed away today at 89. She was considered one of the sexiest women alive, without selfies, wardrobe malfunctions or sex tapes. And she was on People Magazine’s 50 most beautiful list. At the age of 72.

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And yes, youngsters, “just like Bogie and Bacall” was a real thing. Not just a song verse. #LaurenBacall. And they both were hot.

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Kate Upton used to be a NY Yankees fan, now she is dating Justin Verlander. But the Yankees are telling her she can’t wear any Tigers gear in the stadium. It’s that kind of generosity of spirit that has made the Yankees so beloved outside the Bronx.

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Great line from Alex Kaseberg  “Well, the good news, amid the interminable sadness, is no comedian is going to die for a long time. Nobody in their right mind would try to follow Robin Williams.”

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So maybe after an open mike night in Heaven, Robin Williams is looking down and thinking about some of the things he will miss in San Francisco. The Giants seem to be trying hard not to be one of them.

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But on a brief serious note, this is originally a friend’s idea but the #SFGiants should have an annual #RobinWilliams mental health day at AT&T. 

The Giants could fundraise with silent auctions of autographed stuff, and requests for donations. And in general try also to raise awareness.  Like they do for other diseases.  I think Robin would approve.

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Back to snark.  Because doesn’t comedy come from pain. It’s not that the #SFGiants looked  bad against Chris Sale, an All-Star. It’s them making any rookie or journeyman pitcher look like an All-Star

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#SFGiants are 7-22 in their last 29 home games but San Francisco still has the longest sell-out streak still in Major League Baseball.  Well, not hard to guess where #50ShadesofGrey will have its biggest opening weekend.

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Shares of King Digital, the publisher of the Candy Crush mobile game, are down 20% after missing revenue projections. Wonder how big that fall is in “Level” terms.

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The Secret Service says it finally caught the gang behind the most convincing U.S. counterfeit dollars in the world. Well, the most convincing dollars that we KNOW are counterfeit.

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NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski said it would be almost impossible for NASCAR to keep drivers from exiting their cars on the track, even with a new rule forbidding it except in case of possible fire. Uh, suspension for the next race? Problem solved.

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The NFL gave Cowboys CB Orlando Scandrick a 4 game suspension for testing positive for Ecstasy. Scandrick’s defense is that his ex-girlfriend persuaded him to add something he didn’t realize was on the banned list into a cocktail. Amazing. All these guys somehow manage to memorize a playbook, but they can’t keep track of a simple list of drugs

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Facebook message. “add your phone number to help secure your account.” Right, and of course FB would never use your phone number in any way for marketing etc…..

 

 

Some work required?

August 3, 2014

At a Swedish church. a woman found 80 skeletons stuffed into Ikea bags. Apparently they were excavated during a renovation five years ago and not reburied. Well, yeah, because presumably no one could figure out the instructions.

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Bristol Palin, who released a memoir, was on Dancing with the Stars twice, and had her only reality show, is now suing her baby daddy Levi for child support of $1750 a month dating back to 2012. Bristol claims zero income for 2013 and 2014. Guess she couldn’t do something unthinkable like go on welfare, or actually get a job?

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The #SFgiants are the only team in major league baseball with four different pitchers who have thrown a complete game. And many younger fans are thinking “what’s a complete game?”

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Michael Morse clearly turned a fly ball into a double tonight, but the SF Giants’ Jake Peavy let it get to him enough to give up four runs. So where do you go to find a “pitcher whisperer?”

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Jimmy Graham dunked a football over the goalposts today after a touchdown in the Saints scrimmage, a move that will be illegal this year this season. Wonder how many violations it will take to get a two-game suspension.

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A lot of angry, ignorant people were against bringing that American humanitarian doctor infected with Ebola to an isolation ward in an Atlanta hospital. Wonder how many of them are also anti-vaccine?

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr, whose first marriage ended in divorce, whose second wife killed herself while they were estranged, and who has allegedly been having a 2-year affair during his engagement, got married again today to Cheryl Hines. A smart woman, who knows? But she’s got the foolish choices part down.

Shades of what?

July 29, 2014

Rand Paul, at the Urban League in Cincinnati, claimed solidarity with minorities because you can be unjustly accused “because of the color of your skin, or the shade of your ideology.” Can we title this speech “Fifty Shades of Stupid”?

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Tweet from Drew Brees “On Friday I said I thought I could play til age 45. I have been “randomly” selected for drug tests the last 2 days. What’s up with that! Lol.” Wonder if the NFL was testing him for PED’s or hallucinogens?

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NFL VP of Policy Adolpho Birch defending Ray Rice’s two game suspension. “So in terms of sending a message about what the league stands for, we’ve done that.” Yep. They have. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

 

Cowboys GM Jerry Jones says now that he almost drafted Johnny Manziel. But maybe he decided that there wasn’t room at A T & T Stadium for both their egos?

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New NY Giants QB coach Danny Langsdorf thinks Eli Manning could complete 70 percent of his passes in 2014. In related news, the NY Mets are printing playoff tickets.

 

A judge ruled today that Shelly Sterling can go ahead with the sale of the Clippers. Which means the nightmare is over. And if you believe that, the Brooklyn Bridge is on a Macy’s One Day Sale tomorrow.

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Stephen A Smith made yet another apology for his domestic violence comments last week. Better, although taped but not live. Here’s a suggestion for the ESPN commentator in future. Want not to “provoke?” Stick to sports and otherwise STFU.

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Near Tampa, a pregnant woman was shot in the head and died, along with the baby she was carrying. Apparently it was an accident when a friend was showing her and her husband his gun collection. If only the fetus had been armed.

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Dollar Tree is buying their competitor Family Dollar Stores. Assume that means they will immediately raise all prices to two dollars.

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Seven members of U.S. Congress are trying to broker a deal between Time Warner Cable and other cable channels so that 70% of the LA market that is currently blacked out can see Dodger games. Where’s the outrage from anti-government Southern California conservatives?

 

An auction house expects an autographed 2012 game-used Texas A & M jersey from Johnny Manziel will go for at least $100,000. And a good thing too. Now that A & M is in the SEC they need the money to pay future players.

Priorities.

July 24, 2014

The NFL suspended Ravens RB Ray Rice two games for allegedly knocking his fiancee unconscious during a fight. Well, maybe it’s for the best, if instead of fighting the couple had just mellowed out with a joint he’d have been suspended at least four games.

 

So the NFL is making their policy on unnecessary violence clear: Assault another player in a game because of a paid bounty, you’re out for the year. Assault a woman in a fight because you’re mad at her, you’re out two games. #priorities

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Chuck Knoblauch was scheduled to be inducted into the team’s hall-of-fame in August. But the ceremony was cancelled after the former Twins star was arrested last night for allegedly assaulting his ex-wife. If Knoblauch had played for the Minnesota Vikings would the induction still be on?

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And then in the NFL minor leagues, aka the NCAA, here we go again.  This time it’s two University of Texas football players who’ve been charged with felony sexual assault. Maybe coaches could figure out something radical to keep these guys busy and out of trouble during the offseason. Like actually going to class?

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Georgia dismissed defensive lineman Jonathan Taylor from the team following his arrest on aggravated assault and family violence charges, allegedly for choking and hitting his girlfriend. The sophomore, who started 10 games last year, was previously arrested in March for getting double payments on a check. If and when Taylor eventually declares for the draft, wonder how much of a “distraction” he’ll be considered..

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McDonald’s is apparently sticking with their supplier in China., even after allegations the company processed tainted and expired meat. Maybe because there’s not enough meat in McD’s burgers to worry about?

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U.S. airlines have resumed flights to Tel Aviv. So which is harder to believe. That commercial aircraft were actually in danger for 48 hours? Or that they are suddenly safe again now?

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Giants and Dodgers play this weekend at A T and T Park .  LA  flew into town Wednesday and enjoyed an off-day while SF is playing Thursday and flew home from Philadelphia in the evening. So were the Giants good hosts who gave the Dodgers a list of all the hottest bars with town with all the strongest drinks?

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On one page of the University of Texas Football media guide is a website link “www.texsaSports.com” Spelling. Another of those commie-pinko blue-state concepts.

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Another of those “Darwin, missed it by that much” stories. In Gainesville, FL, an allegedly drunk man drove his truck into another car. Then he angrily got out to bang on the other driver’s window. She drove away. But he hadn’t put his own truck in park, and it then rolled over him. The man will recover and faces DUI and property damage charges. Your move, Arizona.

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#BarryBonds turns 50 today. Maybe the #SFGiants could re-sign him? Guessing Bonds could still hit better than some of their lineup.

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Hershey and Mars have both indicated concern about chocolate sales figures due to recent chocolate price increases because of higher cocoa and dairy costs. Why don’t they take a page from the airlines, and either shrink the candy sizes, or charge a wrapper fee?

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ISIS has apparently.blown up the tomb of Jonah in Mosul, Iraq. Who’d ever thought we’d miss Saddam Hussein?

I’ll be watching you…maybe.

July 23, 2014

So there were NYPD officers working graveyard shifts in four marked cars at the Brooklyn Bridge while the lights were dimmed and white flags were raised Monday night. None of them noticed anything. And the NY Daily news quotes a police source as saying none of them will be disciplined. Well, not like anything really bad could have happened…

 

 

A man claims he was kicked off a Southwest flight in Denver after he tweeted a complaint over a gate agent not allowing his daughters to board early with him. He claims he won’t fly the airline again. Well, and hey, why not, when he can take advantage of the great customer service at Denver from United….

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Mark McGwire says of Jose Canseco. “I don’t care to ever speak to him again.” Well, of course not, Canseco’s in the past.

 

St. Louis CF John Jay tonight struck out on a 4-2 count. That’s bad. What’s worse, no one in the Cardinals dugout, including the manager, noticed it. #whoneedsmath?

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18 runs given up in two days?  All of a sudden #Dodgers pitching is looking like maybe Josh Beckett’s been bringing beer and chicken back into the Clubhouse #sfgiants

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Cameron Maybin has been suspended for 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines. But come on, it’s the San Diego Padres. Couldn’t Maybin have used the excuse he needed the drugs to stay awake?

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Wednesday Alabama coach Nick Saban talked about his team’s loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and said it was a challenge to “try to play in a consolation game.” Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of college football players as egotistical babies.

(Also, for the uninitiated, please note. The Sugar Bowl, with a $17 million per team payout, is not a consolation game. Now, the “AdvoCare V100 Bowl” just might be a consolation game….)

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Eagles tackle Lane Johnson is the latest NFL player suspended four games for PED’s. Johnson said in a statement he “mistakenly and foolishly” took a prescription drug in April and failed to clear it with the Eagles’ athletic trainers or check the banned substance list. Just once would be nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, I was cheating and got busted.”

 

Another thought about all these NFL players who plead ignorance when they get caught for PED’s. Wouldn’t you think if they were smart enough to read their playbooks, they’d be smart enough to read the the rules and their drug labels?

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‘What if I decide to run?': Michele Bachmann saying she might try for Presidency again in 2016. Comedy writers: “Thank you Jesus.”

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You have been warned.  From Alex Kaseberg.  “‘Comic Con’ begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.”

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So what does Rick Perry have against all these kids? The Texas governor doesn’t want more people in America who can embarrass him by counting to three?

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California’s teen birthrate has fallen 63% since 1990, the biggest drop of any state in the country. Instead of “Abstinence Only” education, California has chosen comprehensive sex education, and increased access for teens to contraceptives. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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From T.C.  ” The #1 selling NFL jersey today is Johnny Manziel. Sitting at #5 is Michael Sam. Neither one of them has yet to play a down in the league. That should be enough to bring Brett Favre out of retirement again.”

The Heat is Gone

June 16, 2014

#SanAntonioSpurs win the #NBA championship with a team comprised largely of immigrants. I blame Obama.

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Apparently tonight this IS a country for old men. #Spurs

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Chris Bosh “Plain and simple, we’re going to win tonight. Asked if he was guaranteeing a victory, Bosh said: “I don’t care about guarantees. We’re just going to win the game.” If it’s as simple as a prediction wonder why Bosh didn’t say this before games 3 and 4..

(and Chris Boch, you’re no Joe Namath.)

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Sunday was Father’s Day. Time to call dad. And for those whose fathers are in the NBA. Hope they called early so they didn’t get a busy signal.

 

-QB Vince Young announced his retirement from the NFL. Shocking. Vince Young hadn’t already retired?

Before this week wonder how many people outside of Northern California #StMarys and San Antonio #Spurs had ever heard of Patty Mills?

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Relative unknown Martin Kaymer won the U.S. Open by 9 shots.  And now doubt tournament thought that after Tiger Woods pulled out, that having Phil Mickelson struggle was the worst thing that could happen to their TV ratings.

 

On Friday, #BaseballTonight asked if SF was a lock to win the NL West. Maybe it was better when ESPN was ignoring them. #SFGiants.

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Obama granted Republican Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett’s request to end the Philadelphia area transit strike, by creating a presidential emergency board to mediate the dispute. Waiting to see how the rest of the GOP spins this as wrong.

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Casey Kasem, 82, has passed away. He entertained Americans for years on radio with his countdown of the top 40 singles of the week . Many young people may ask “Casey who?”. Still more are asking “What’s a single?”

 

 

Commercials on ESPN for the USA team in the #WorldCup.”It’s the ‘Group of Death”, only two will come out alive.” Well, yeah, because only two come out of ANY group. Including “Groups of Life?”

 

 

 

French World Cup coach Didier Deschamp said he thinks his team is being spied upon by drones. Well, it’s as least as plausible as the next World Cup having been awarded to Qatar

Time passages.

June 4, 2014

As of yesterday Donald Sterling is being sued by another ex-employee who claims she was his mistress. The woman is represented by Gloria Allred.   So congrats to all those who had June 3 in the pool.

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Almost as soon as the polls closed in the California primary, the media could report that Governor Jerry Brown looks like a runaway winner this November. It’s a far cry from Brown’s first election, when the results had to come in by telegraph

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After 90 years, WGN radio has decided not to carry the Chicago Cubs anymore. So have they decided to go with programming that’s more likely to have a happy ending, like opera?

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Who says Sarah Palin and Democrats never agree on anything? Apparently last week at the Republican Leadership Conference, Palin suggested that “Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson should run for president.

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The NFL is ditching Roman numerals for their Super Bowl in Santa Clara, and instead of “L” will go with the Arabic number 50. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

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When the totals are in, perhaps 300,000 Californians will have voted for Leland Yee for secretary of state. Now, not only has Yee been indicted on money laundering and weapons charges, he dropped out of the race over two months ago. Maybe this really does prove, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

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“Breathe Right” nasal strips will co-sponsor Saturday’s Belmont Stakes, and hand out at least 50,000 of its nasal strips to fans at the race. If California Chrome wins will the NFL and MLB add the strips to their lists of banned performance enhancers?

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Donald Sterling on the $2 billion sale of the Clippers, “I feel fabulous, I feel very good.” Wonder how many other professional team owners are wondering how they can get taped making bigoted remarks and get a similar price.

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#SFGiants get game-winning home run from a guy in starting lineup hitting .048 #JuanPerez. So who’s #Bochy betting on for #BelmontStakes?

 

A 20 year veteran of the San Jose, CA police force was arrested after managers of a Public Storage started clearing out his storage space because of overdue rental payments and found perhaps 20 pounds of marijuana. Title this “Dude, when was my rent due?”

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bowe Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

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Well, of course it makes sense that the GOP is angry Congress wasn’t consulted about the hostage deal. Because Reagan always made sure Congress knew about all the hostage deals he made… Oops. Never mind.

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

(My friend Linda points out that Oliver North said it was OK that Reagan negotiated with the Iranians because he never admitted it. …)

 

Don ZImmer has passed away at the age of 83. Guessing they won’t let Pedro Martinez anywhere near his coffin.

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From Marc Ragovin  “For all those who beliieve that Bowe Bergdahl is being overly glorified after willingly abandoning his unit , bear in mind that he is now entitled to medical care through the VA system.

Upon  being told that he is now eligible for medical care through tthe VA system, Bowe Bergdahl immediately requested to be sent back. “

Not so fast times.

May 23, 2014

Yu Darvish threw a 55 MPH pitch yesterday to Torii Hunter. The commentators referred to it as an eephus pitch. SF Giants fans saw it and thought more “Barry Zito fastball.”

 

Do get the feeling that the only way most Americans would know about the coup in Thailand is if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were planning their wedding there and the ceremony was postponed….

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Chipotle has asked customers not to bring guns into their restaurants. And in some “open carry” states, people are asking, “Wait, but how else are we going to get the morons in front of us to hurry up and order?”

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Landon Donovan has been left off the U.S. World Cup team. Well, at least America’s possible best soccer player ever is likely to miss only one round.

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Donald Sterling apparently will allow his wife Shelley to sell the Clippers. Guess he figured out they had about a billion reasons to do so?

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Why education really SHOULD matter to student athletes. As the SF Chronicle reports, on May 3, Cal safety Damariay Drew went with his teammates to San Quentin. The idea being to show the players the consequences of bad decisions. On May 6, in Berkeley, Drew was arrested for alleged felony battery….

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The Baltimore Ravens had a press conference with Ray Rice and his now wife. And the Ravens TWEETED this out “Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.” Even Chris Brown is thinking this is f**ked up

 

The Washington Redskins responded to the letter sent by 50 U.S. Senators asking them to change their name. Saying that the team is “a positive, unifying force for our community in a city and region that is divided on so many levels.” Not sure about “positive” but “unifying” for sure. Who else but the Redskins can get the whole city together screaming “Dan Snyder s*cks!”

 

Colin Kaepernick and Richard Sherman are apparently the finalists for the cover of “Madden 15.” Based on the video game’s history, maybe 49ers fans should all be rooting for Sherman.

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Colts owner Robert Irsay will only face two misdemeanor charges resulting from his March DUI arrest, where he was also caught with $29,000 in cash in the car and “numerous” prescription bottles. So he probably won’t do jail time but is expected to face discipline from the NFL. Probably almost as severe a punishment as Roger Goodell doles out for players with the wrong socks.

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Angelina Jolie, saying that she doesn’t have it that hard as a working mom “I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain “Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.” Who knew? Self-awareness? This could get her drummed out of Hollywood.

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As tough as it is for writers out there, you’d think NFL players could hire one cheaply to edit their statements to the press. Ray Rice, talking about his domestic violence episode. “”I won’t call myself a failure. Failure is not getting knocked down. It’s not getting up.”

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg “ If I was a writer for the Redskins – and they thank god I am not – I would respond to the US Senators’s demand for a name change with; “You are right, our name is awful and horrific. From now on we are the District of Columbia Redskins.”

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The #SFGiants Jeremy Affeldt almost hit by a foul ball while jogging to bullpen. Giants fans amazed he didn’t end up on the DL for weeks.

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Colorado’s young star 3B Nolan Arenado is no doubt heading to the DL after breaking his finger after sliding head-first into 2nd. As an SF fan, it’s good for the Giants. As a baseball fan and a mom, guys, use your heads. And not for sliding.

 

From T.C. “Prince Charles and Camilla have arrived in Winnipeg for the final leg of their Canadian tour. For the record, Camilla is NOT wearing a nasal strip.”

Cold comfort?

May 20, 2014

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to… Minneapolis. For all those who thought spending the first week in February in New York wasn’t cold enough.

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Jon Bon Jovi is apparently part of a group that wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, if any franchise knows about “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

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California golfer Lucy Li, 11, has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open. Quite an achievement. It gives all those Chinese women gymnasts a goal to shoot for when they grow up.

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Swiss bank Credit Suisse has pleaded guilty to running “an illegal cross-border banking business” to help thousands of Americans conceal their income from the IRS. The bank will pay a $2.6 billion fine, but will not have to provide names of their U.S. clients who they helped cheat on taxes. So wonder how many of those clients will be subsidizing the “settlement” with a silence fee?

 

Halle Berry on “Ellen” today talking about getting pregnant at 47, which is considered a “geriatric pregnancy.” If Berry thinks it was a “geriatric” pregnancy, wait until she gets to applying for Medicare at the same time her son is applying to college.

 

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Judge just declared PA’s #gaymarriage ban unconstitutional. Will last state to keep gay marriage banned please keep the lights turned off?

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Cleveland has the top NBA lottery pick for the second straight years. Who says the Cavaliers will never win anything?

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As far as Cleveland getting the top pick in 2015?  Probably at least as good a chance as a Miami Heat “three-peat”

 

NBA playoffs are down to San Antonio, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City and Miami. Three team from cities most Americans can’t find on a map and one they can’t stand.

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A 19 year old Texas man in facing five years to life in prison for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies made with hash oil. If he’d only shot and killed someone he’d be facing 10 years max.

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At Allen High School, near Dallas, they will have to close their new $60 million new football stadium this fall due to cracking concrete. This is the biggest disappointment in North Texas since the Cowboys.

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On a brighter note, the stadium is a $48 million cheaper disappointment than Tony Romo.

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The NY Racing Stewards have approved California Chrome to race with a nasal strip. If he wins will Roger Goodell add nasal strips to the NFL’s list of banned performance enhancers?

 

Congrats to Meryl Davis, who with her partner won Dancing with the Stars tonight. With that kind of dancing talent maybe she could do something big on an international stage…. .Oops, never mind.

Ups and downs.

May 18, 2014

Michael Bloomberg said today he would run for President, except he doesn’t think he can win. Well, that never stopped a whole lot of other people.

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The Giant Dipper roller coaster in Santa Cruz is now 90 years old. The ride is in great shape, except that it has started going around the track with its left blinker on.

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There is a chance that California Chrome might not run in the Belmont if New York racing officials, known for being stricter than other states, do not allow him to wear his customary nasal strip, which helps with the colt’s breathing when he races. Even Roger Goodell might think that’s a ticky-tack ruling.

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Of course, to be fair, hard to imagine Roger Goodell would have let California Chrome run with the label of “Dumb Ass Partners.”

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So #PabloSandoval hits his first home run in over a month on the same day that #TimLincecum shaved his mustache. Coincidence? #SFGiants

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Karl Rove continues to insist that Hillary Clinton’s brain injury will keep her from running in 2016, saying it is “far more serious’” than many currently realize. Except if anyone knows that a working brain is not required for being President…

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Miss Beazley, one of George W. and Laura Bush’s beloved Scottish Terriers, has passed away at the age of 9. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

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North Korea is reporting that an apartment building in Pyongyang has collapsed in a “serious accident” that caused an unspecified number of casualties. Further details will follow as soon as they figure out a way to blame this on the U.S.

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Miguel Tejada has signed a minor league deal with the Miami Marlins and will work out at the club’s spring training headquarters while he serves the last few weeks of a 105 game suspension for his third failed drug test. It’s all part of Bud Selig’s strict “three strikes and you’re almost out, maybe…” policy.

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The U.S. government is trying to help farmers in Central America fight a coffee fungus that is especially deadly to Arabica coffee, a bean that makes up a lot of high-end coffee. It’s about the livelihoods of the farmers as well as the price of coffee. Although Starbucks is no doubt considering helping consumers with an installment plan.

 

 

There’s been another call for the resignation of the NH Police Chief who used the N word to refer to Obama. From that commie-pinko Mitt Romney. Is Mitt trying to get back to the days when people said he was too reasonable to be the GOP nominee for President?

Old dog, stupid new tricks

May 2, 2014

Who says an old man can’t have a learning experience. Donald Sterling, speaking to an interviewer about the V. Stiviano tapes: “I wish I had just paid her off.”

 

 

 

Ben Affleck has apparently been banned from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good at the game.” Well a guy’s got to be good at something….

 

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There will be 124 FBS (Division 1) college football teams in 2014. There will be 38 bowl games not counting the championship. So 76 teams will have to be chosen, and UNLV, Idaho and Penn State are ineligible….. But bank on it. some coach will whine in December that his team was overlooked.

 

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My friend Darren wanted a punchline on this “49ers exercise fifth year option on Aldon Smith per league source”

Okay,  So, what’s the difference between a troubled young man and a thug?   Talent.

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There were injuries but fortunately no fatalities today when a NY Subway train derailed today in Queens. New Yorkers were stunned, normally the only train wreck in May is the Mets.

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Sometimes no punchline can top real life: V. Stiviano’s lawyer Siamak Nehoray, on his “devastated” client. “She’s a young girl thrown in the middle of this thing, unwillingly…” Stiviano is 31.

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Here’s a serious thought on Donald Sterling. Yes, the privacy issues with the leaked tape are disturbing. But it wasn’t as if his comments seemed like an out-of-control drunken rant, or as if he had been a model citizen before. Basically Sterling has been a bad actor for years, and the NBA has just looked the other way. His taped remarks weren’t the cause of him being banned for life, they were the catalyst IMHO.

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Bruins president Cam Neely denounced fans who attacked the Canadiens’ P.K. Subban, who is black, with racial slurs on social media after Subban scored the game winning goal for Montreal over Boston last night. In related news, Donald Sterling called the Bruins to inquired about rink-side tickets.

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From T.C.  ” Ad we’d like to see:  Hey PK Subban, you just scored the winning goal of game one in double OT vs Boston – what are you going to do next? “I’m going to a LA Clippers game!!!!!”

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A 16 year old Florida girl, looking for sympathy after a breakup with her boyfriend, pretended she was kidnapped and set off an Amber Alert with a several hour search. Well, that should certainly help her future dating life, as what boy doesn’t want a girl who’s bat sh*t crazy?

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Stanford coach David Shaw, complaining about the SEC’s football schedule only having eight conference games, as opposed to most conferences who play nine. “If we’re all going to be in the same playoffs, we need to play by the same rules” And down in the SEC they’re just giggling

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Bus to hell time.   “The NY Post is reporting that Donald Sterling has cancer. “What a shame,” said nobody.”

All that glitters is not Sterling.

April 28, 2014

 

Leaving the racism aside, Donald Sterling also appears to be an incredible misogynist. Wouldn’t you think a beautiful woman who wants to be a temporary rich man’s mistress can find someone who’s a bit less of an a**hole?

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It will may only last as long as this playoff series but the Golden State Warriors have to thank #DonaldSterling for temporarily making them America’s Team.

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As much as other professional sports team owners are decrying the comments of the NBA’s Donald Sterling, have to wonder how many of them are hoping no one has tapes of THEIR phone conversations?

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As #DonaldSterling story completely dominates the media, have to wonder who leaked the tapes? #ClivenBundy?

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So the NAACP was going to give Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award? What’s next? The NCAA planning to honor John Calipari for his commitment to student athletes?

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Hardest thing for the GOP in dealing with Donald Sterling’s comments other than dealing with the fraction of their constituents who agree with him, is trying to figure out how to spin that President Obama’s response is wrong.

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Sarah Palin, speaking at an NRA convention, said that gun-free zones are “stupid on steroids.” Thereby challenging all those who thought if there was anyone who should be an expert on “stupid on steroids…”

 

 

During Sarah Palin’s NRA speech she complained that the “Obama administration wants you ID’d” for having a gun. Okay, I guess being ID’ed should be reserved for truly dangerous things, like voting.

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Got to love United Airlines, sending a message at 632p saying that a 629p flight has been delayed at least an hour but “please be at gate for boarding PRIOR to the original scheduled departure time as the departure time could be revised again.” Uh, not exactly.

(And then sending the SAME, be at the gate before the originally scheduled 629p flight boarding time, at 730p…)

 

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NBC is adding Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski to next week’s Kentucky Derby telecast as fashion correspondents. Thereby making the most asked question after “Who will win?” “What will Johnny wear?”

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The San Jose Sharks, originally up 3-0 in their series with the L.A. Kings, are now up 3-2 and reeling. Isn’t it kind of early for the team to be in late-round playoff form.

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A Phoenix man was arrested for using Craigslist to find sex with a horse. Really? Craigslist? Isn’t there an app for that?

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New NFL director of football operations Troy Vincent says he can see the NFL adding a developmental league. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the SEC.

Not exactly?

April 25, 2014

Cliven Bundy says “I’m not a racist.” I think I like “I did not have sex with that woman” better.

 

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Roger Goodell said the NFL is considering extending the draft to four days, although it would remain at seven rounds. Well, heck, if the point is television coverage why not start the draft in March and do 3 or 4 picks a day for months?

 

Dan Marino and Joe Montana will play in a flag-football game to say goodbye to Candlestick Park this July. When asked is they knew who will sponsor the game, the 49ers reportedly replied “Depends?”

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Michigan’s Mitch McGary tested positive for marijuana during the NCAA tournament and rather than accept a year’s suspension will declare for the draft. Well, McMary’s already on his way to proving he’s NBA ready.

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North Korea says they have an American man in custody who they say arrived this month to “seek asylum” and “came to the DPRK (North Korea) after choosing it as a shelter.” If true, even Dennis Rodman is thinking this guy is batsh*t crazy.

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OK, really, how much more of an advantage can #pinetar be for a pitcher compared to say, playing the Houston #Astros?.

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Open note to Dodgers fans, we Giants fans learned some great “Torture” cocktail recipes. And we’ll share. (Brian Wilson gave up 4 runs in the 9th in a 7-3 Phillies win Thursday night.)

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Federal prosecutors will soon charge NY Congressman Michael Grimm over alleged corruption and illegal campaign donations. What, a NY political scandal that doesn’t involve sex?

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The NBA Indianapolis Pacers look to be finishing about as well as Danica Patrick.

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Another “policy alignment” at the new American Airlines, as the airline follows US Airways in not even letting full fare travelers hold reservations without ticketing for more than a few days. Not a big deal for most people but ever notice how when airlines merge it’s always the least consumer friendly policy that survives?

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The Buffalo Bills have suspended cheerleading operations after members filed a lawsuit alleging they were underpaid. And presumably the squad feels they should have had extra hardship pay cheering for the Bills.

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While celebrating her wedding at a bar with her new husband and niece, the bride got into an argument over who was going to drive home, and allegedly fatally shot the niece. Near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Your move, Florida.

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Nearly a month into the season, MLB has gone back to its original definition of a catch, and no longer requiring a fielder to transfer a ball to record an out. This happened after Brett Gardner was called safe last night when Dustin Pedroia dropped the ball while trying to turn a double play. Well, guess the league finally pays attention if something affects a Red Sox-Yankees game…

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Since these first round NBA playoffs are turning out to be competitive and compelling wonder how long it will take the league to move to a 32 team five round playoff?

Men not at work.

April 24, 2014

MLB has suspended Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda 10 games “for possessing a foreign substance on his person. That’s the official reason. The unofficial reason of course is for being stupid enough to put pine tar on his neck.

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Michael Pineda, after his ejection – “I will learn from this mistake and it will not happen again.’’ Translation. “Next time I’ll hide the pine tar in a more discrete place.”

 

A girl gave Michelle Obama her father’s resume, saying he hadn’t had any work in three years. “Honey, you didn’t have to do that” said Joe Biden.

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The NFL has just come out with its 2014 schedule. This should give players ample time to schedule meetings with their probation officers.

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Herschel Walker, 52, told USA TODAY “I can play in the NFL today. I couldn’t take every snap. But running backs nowadays don’t play every down… Physically, I can still do it.” Let’s hope nobody shows this to Brett Favre.

 

Wonder how many Americans who profess complete disinterest in William, Kate and George’s Australia tour because they don’t believe in hereditary monarchy are really hoping Jeb runs against Hillary in 2016.

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So many high seeds are having trouble in the first round of the NBA playoffs that you have to wonder if fatigue is a factor. Which could mean next year teams put even LESS effort into the regular season.

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Oscar Robertson said if he were advising Carmelo Anthony, he’d tell him to leave the New York Knicks. Presumably so Melo can find a new team to help underachieve?

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The LA district attorney’s office says that Aldon Smith’s will probably only be charged with with a misdemeanor instead of a felony for saying telling TSA he had a bomb at LAX airport. Another athlete who should be glad stupidity is not a felony.

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Richard Sherman, currently negotiating his contract “It’s all about respect in this game, and the only way people show respect is the dollars.” Ah, that’s what’s going on with college football in SEC and USC, respect.

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A Bachelorette contestant died after a paragliding accident. The show’s producers had two reactions. 1. How sad. 2. Thank heaven it didn’t happen on one of our adventure dates.

 

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GOP Presidential contenders are now rushing to distance themselves from rancher Cliven Bundy, who said, amongst other things about African-Americans, “And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” If Bundy had just stuck to insulting the government and maybe women and gays, he’d still be some conservatives’ hero.

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From TC “Air Canada will be terminating two of their baggage handlers this weekend after video showed them firing luggage as far as 20 feet at Toronto Pearson airport. The Blue Jays immediately signed them for pitching tryouts.”

Maybe baby.

April 17, 2014

Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. And presumably that baby, boy or girl,  will be running for President in 2064.

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Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy is a big deal in the U.S. Of course, it’s not like in Britain with Prince George, where a child can grow up to rule simply by virtue of his/her birth….Oops, never mind.

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The arts and crafts chain Michaels is the latest to be hit by a security breach. The company said that about 2.6 million customer credit and debit cards used at its stores may have been affected. Worrisome news for a lot of women and almost a dozen men.

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Uber is adding a $1 flat “Safe Rides” Fee onto all fares. Their first mandatory surcharge.  They must have hired an executive from the airlines.

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Chad Johnson is heading to the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes.. Is this some small payback to Canada for Justin Bieber?

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With Tiger and Phil out for the weekend, the Masters had its lowest ratings in over 20 years. Hearing this most Americans asked “Oh, was there a golf tournament on?”

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Oscar Pistorius’s own defense forensics expert witness today contradicted the athlete’s earlier testimony on the stand. Even the O.J. jurors are beginning to think this guy is guilty.

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A new app will allow users,for a monthly fee, to have unlimited coffee at a number of independent. The app, called CUPS, is $45 for regular coffee or tea, $85 for espressos. But, hey, for that price you could get a half dozen drinks at Starbucks.

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Apparently Donovan McNabb was arrested Jan 6 for DUI, and has already served a one-day sentence after pleading guilty. Wonder why the story’s just coming out now. Maybe McNabb is just trying to show he still belongs in the NFL?

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Apparently the Captain of that ill-fated South Korean ferry was not only not at the helm when it began listing, but he also was one of the first people rescued. Maybe it’s time to send the guy on a fact-finding mission, back to the ferry’s bridge wearing only a snorkel and flippers.

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Edward Snowden made a “surprise” appearance on Putin’s annual question-and- answer TV show to ask “Does Russia intercept, store or analyze in any way the communications of millions of individuals?” Putin responded that Russia has a special service that bugs telephone and Internet to fight crimes, including terrorism, only with court permission and only “for specific citizens.” But “on a massive scale, on an uncontrolled scale we certainly do not allow this and I hope we will never allow it.”

And they both performed this with a straight face!

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So FB is going to introduce a new feature called “Nearby Friends,” which they say is optional. The idea is to tell you if any of your friends are in the area. And how many millions of teenagers with parents on FB just started looking for a new social media site?

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Chipotle announced their profit increased 8.5% last quarter. So you know what that means… Yep, their prices are going up

Arrested development.

April 15, 2014

There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

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So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?

 

Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”

 

 

Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

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Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

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Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.

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Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

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In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

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A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

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Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

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Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?

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The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

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A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 

 

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For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)

 

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Pay to play?

April 10, 2014

Adrian Peterson is saying now that college football players should be paid. And many former USC and SEC players are just giggling.

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The 2015 Pro Bowl will be at the University of Phoenix Stadium, but the league just announced the game will be returning to Hawaii in 2016. Translation, a whole lot of players probably told the NFL something like “giving up some of my off-season for a week in Arizona, really? Did I mention that nagging injury?”

 

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Oscar Pistorius at his trial Wednesday “I will try not to lie.” Can’t imagine why some defense attorneys don’t want to put their clients on the stand.

 

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Tuesday the SF Giants won their 2013 home opener behind Barry Zito, 34. This year they won behind Tim Hudson, 38. What’s next? In 2015 will they sign Jamie Moyer?

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41,000 people at A T and T Park knew that Tim Lincecum shouldn’t throw Paul Goldschmidt a fat strike with two on and nobody out. Shame Lincecum wasn’t one of them. #SFGiants

 

 

It’s bad enough if Hunter Pence isn’t hitting his weight. But now he’s not even hitting MY weight.

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#NFL preseason schedules were released today. And if you care, you might REALLY have too much time on your hands.

 

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The Indiana Pacers rested all five starters against the Milwaukee Bucks. Which almost made it a fair fight.  (The Pacers won 104-102)

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Louisiana Congressman Lance McAllister has decided not to ask for an FBI probe into who leaked the video of him kissing a staffer. Maybe because he a- doesn’t want it shown over and over again during the investigation, and b- doesn’t want the FBI to find if the culprit has any more videos?

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There’s a lot of competition, but the stupid tweet of the week contest may be over. Free agent LB Brandon Spikes, who signed a 4-year $3.2 million contract with New England in 2010, and who has now signed with the Bills, is complaining on Twitter about his time with the Patriots. Including this one – “4 years a slave.”

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Regarding those stabbings in Pittsburgh, if that kid was close enough actually to stick a knife in 20 people, you have to figure the death toll with a gun could have been at least twice that.

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The Justice Department says Hewlett-Packard has agreed to pay $108 million in criminal fines and civil penalties for bribing officials in Russia, Poland and Mexico to win technology contracts. Jeez, with all those bribes you’d think HP would have been more profitable.

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A thought for folks who dismiss athletes’ coming out with “I don’t care what they do in the bedroom.” Uh, they aren’t telling us specifically what they are doing in the bedroom any more than straight athletes are telling us what THEY are doing in the bedroom. They are saying they are gay. And for now, saying it publicly matters. In a generation, or less, I hope we can all shrug.

Crushed?

March 26, 2014

Bad news for the Secret Service as three agents were sent home from Amsterdam for being intoxicated. Good news, apparently they were too drunk to find prostitutes.

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The maker of “Candy Crush Saga” saw their stock fall about 15% after the IPO today. So now it’s not just the game players who are disappointed with their level.

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The NLRB has ruled Northwestern University football players can unionize. This is what comes of letting nerds play football.

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Manhattan men’s basketball coach Steve Masiello apparently had an offer to coach the Univ. of South Florida rescinded when the school discovered that while he attended Kentucky, he lied about getting a degree. In Masiello’s defense, will he claim that not graduating will make him better able to relate to today’s college players.

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In North Korea, all men must now have the same haircut as Kim Jong Un. I guess this is the equivalent of women wearing ugly bridesmaid’s dresses to make the bride look better?

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I really hope the latest satellite images help them locate MH 370. But really, haven’t we had the “Break we’ve been waiting for” headline almost daily since the plane went missing?

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Three California State Senators are now facing criminal charges. Louisiana is sniffing “Amateurs!”

 

Yeah, if he is found guilty, Leland Yee is a nominee for hypocrite of the year. A Democratic California State Senator who favors gun control, arrested on charges that include gun trafficking. But if the charges are true, it doesn’t mean that gun control is wrong, it just means that Yee, for all the good he has done, is an idiot and an a**hole.

 

How to feel old. Hear an American Idol contestant say she was glad she remembered the words to “Rhiannon”, because she “just learned it.” Fleetwood Mac wasn’t even my favorite band, but heck, hard to graduate from high school in the late 70s without knowing the song mostly by heart.

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Now seems like there are still about 100 people missing, down from estimates of almost 200, in that awful mudslide in rural Washington but very little coverage. Think the big news networks would pay more attention if the state could come up with a conspiracy theory for why the slide happened?

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Roger Goodell says that it’s unlikely the NFL will be able to expand the playoffs in time for the 2014 season. Translation, there isn’t time to do a big $$$ TV contract.

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The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case on whether employers, for religious reasons, can deny including birth control as part of their healthcare plans. Sure hope a codicil to this ruling will cover whether employers, for religious reasons, can also deny coverage for Viagra to all men who are not married to women of childbearing age. (And that only for the time of month their wives are ovulating.)

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Am thinking that whatever that #CopenhagenZoo considers the “Circle of Life” is never going to be featured in a Disney movie.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow announced she and her husband Chris Martin are separating in a blog titled “Conscious uncoupling.”” “Conscious uncoupling?” Sounds like a description of “one-and-one” college basketball, or maybe what the IRS does with you and your money in April.

 

From Alex Kaseberg:  “Following his lap-band surgery, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, has lost 100 pounds. Or as they call that in New Jersey: dropping a Snookie.”


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