Posted tagged ‘NCAA jokes’

It’s all about the market.

June 11, 2015

Two Texas girls, 7 and 8, trying to raise money for Father’s Day, had their lemonade stand shut down by police for lack of a permit. Well, of course, it’s Texas. The girls should have been doing something safer like borrowing their parents’ guns to set up a shooting range.


So after game 1 of the NBA finals the “experts” said the Cavs had no chance, then after games 2 and 3, that the Warriors were in big trouble. And now they’re planning the Golden State parade again. Which means Cleveland is likely to win game 5?


Stay classy, GOP. Senator Mark Kirk from Illinois, during a Senate Appropriations Committee hearing: “I’ve been joking with Lindsey (Graham). Did you see that? He’s going to have a rotating first lady. He’s a bro with no ho.”

(and just for a minute, can we imagine the reaction on Fox News if a Democratic senatory said that?)

After five players were suspended last year for academic reasons, and QB Everett Golson transferred, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly said today that all his players are “at-risk” academically. “Honestly, I don’t know that any of our players would get into the school by themselves right now with the academic standards the way they are. Maybe one or two of our players that are on scholarship.”

And down in the SEC and ACC they’re going “What academic standards?”

Florida Gov. Rick Scott signed a new law requiring women to wait at least 24 hours to have an abortion. Of course if they really wanted to reduce unwanted pregnancies and  possible abortions the state would impose the same waiting period for men wanting to have sex.

Beech Grove, Indiana mayor Dennis Buckley, talking about trouble and recent arrests. “This isn’t anything new. We have been concerned about this for at least two years, and there have been just some quiet talks with (them) concerning the number of police runs down there and the fact that they’re draining our resources every single day. It’s my opinion as mayor that this has to stop.”

Is he talking about some bar, restaurant or strip club? Nope, Buckley’s talking about the local Wal-Mart.

Pizza Hut, in an effort to increase sagging market share, has introduced a pizza with mini hot dogs in the crust. The only problem with promotions like this, if they work, they decrease the number of years customers will be around to buy Pizza Hut products.



Whole Foods is opening new chain of lower-priced stores that will be called “365 by Whole Foods Market.” (365 is a house label for Whole Foods products.) But if they really want to attract shoppers who both know their brand and want to save money, why doesn’t the chain call the new markets “Half Paycheck.”?



From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “As great as Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, was at the Belmont Stakes, he would have lost in 1973 to Secretariat by 15 lengths. To put 15 lengths in perspective, that is over ten Kim Kardashian asses.”

M Gone Blue.

May 12, 2015

Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?

Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.

Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?

So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”

Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬?

Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. ‪#‎dowehavetopickaside‬?

Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?

The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.

A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?

Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”


Per Duane Kuiper, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt ‪#‎Duffy‬ with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. ‪#‎McGehee‬ who?

The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system.  But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.

MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?

Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.

Missed it by how much?

April 8, 2015

The NCAA’s supervisor of officials said none of them saw the CBS video feed on the controversial out-of-bounds call at the end of the national championship game. But today Dan Gavitt, the NCAA’s VP told ESPN that officials DID see it. Ah, well this ought to reassure all the Duke conspiracy theorists….


The Boston Celtics are making a late push for the #8 seed in the Eastern Conference. Isn’t that the NBA equivalent of making it to the March Madness play-in game?

The mayor of Hillsboro, Mo, population 2,800, died March 9, but was re-elected yesterday. Well, maybe the voters figured, it’s been a month, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.



New York Knicks owner James Dolan just said in an interview “You got to believe, baby! I believe, I believe!” And even Cubs fans are saying “Are you bleeping nuts?”

Someone is selling a New Orleans Saints Super Bowl ring on Craigslist. Maybe one of the Jets should buy it, might be their best chance at getting a ring.

Mitt Romney who had Duke over Wisconsin in the NCAA championship, tweeted “Should have put $10,000 on my bracket. Congrats, Coach K and @DukeU,” Prompting an immediate call for Romney to reconsider entering the 2016 race, from Pete Rose.

I understand the American way of justice, and it’s mostly a good thing. Still seems somehow odd to spend millions of dollars saving a critically injured man’s life, and then millions of dollars to try him, and then probably now millions of dollars over appeals to a death penalty conviction. ‪#‎BostonMarathonExplosion‬

A new book about the White House says that during a fight after the Monica Lewinsky affair came to light, Hillary Clinton called Bill a “g*ddamn b*stard” and that she had him sleep on a couch for a few months. Some say the revelations could hurt Hillary’s candidacy. Thinking it might make a lot of women like her better.


Aqib Talib, a CB for the Denver Broncos, who had charges dropped after an alleged gun incident in 2011, is apparently being investigated again for allegedly firing a gun into the air during a fight at a Dallas nightclub. So clearly the Aaron Hernandez trial is serving as a cautionary lesson to other NFL players. ‪#‎facepalm‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Pitcher Chris Heston missed his Opening Day start for the Sacramento River Cats. Bummer.  ‪#‎SFGiants‬

(and the way his start went, he may never have that start.)

The media is reporting that last year Barry Manilow married his manager and apparently  long time partner. Garry Kief.  I am shocked, said absolutely positively nobody.


A scary thought about that South Carolina case. If the person with the cellphone video saw what really happened, what about that officer’s partner?

As Rand Paul is getting unfavorable coverage for lecturing journalists, especially female journalists, on how to do their jobs, #”‪#‎Randsplaining‬ is trending on Twitter. Well, it’s a good thing for Paul that if he stays in the Presidential race he won’t have to be dealing with this sort of thing in future. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantfixarrogant‬ either.

Do you see what I see?

April 7, 2015

Oops. The NCAA’s supervisor of officials admitted today that the officials who gave possession to Duke after a late out-of-bounds play, didn’t have all the angles that CBS had. Although the TV replay showed the Blue Devils’ Winslow touching the ball with his fingertips. But to be fair, with amateur sports it’s not like the NCAA really has the money to do it right.

If we’re going to have legalized discrimination, can some state become a pioneer in saying businesses do not have to serve stupid people? Because ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬


Mitt Romney finished in the the top 1% of contestants in the ESPN NCAA tournament challenge, having Duke and Wisconsin and Duke winning it all. President Obama was in the 40th percentile. Of course, had Obama done as well as Romney the GOP would accuse him of having neglected his duties to focus on basketball.

Kentucky coach John Calipari says he expects “five to seven players” to declare for the NBA draft.  It’s a scary choice for these young men. But since returnees must be academically eligible, they’ll have to figure out how to find the classrooms.

From Marty Robinson:  “In Monday night’s NCAA championship game, Duke rallied to beat Wisconsin, earning their 5th title in the Coach K era. “Wonderful” said absolutely nobody outside of Durham.”

Last night’s Miami Marlins opener was delayed 16 minutes by rain in the second inning, because the roof operators couldn’t get the roof closed fast enough. If only their supervisor had been armed.

As pictures of all of these plastic cups full of something that isn’t beer circulate after Opening Night for the Cubs at Wrigley Field, here’s a tip for other teams: If you are doing a major renovation on your stadium, do the bathrooms first.

Norwegian Cruise Line has an “enhanced” room service menu on some of their ships. And those menus will include a “convenience charge” of up to $7.95 per order. “Convenience charge?”! And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?

Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the “common man.”

LeGarrette Blount, suspended 3 times at Oregon, and arrested last year for marijuana possession has now been suspended without pay for the 1st game of the 2015 season for a “violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.” This is clearly part of football’s strict “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.


An unnamed NBC source told Vanity Fair that Brian Williams “could not say the words ‘I lied.’ …He couldn’t explain what had happened. Asking ‘Did something happen to [my] head? Maybe I had a brain tumor, or something in my head?'”

Sounds increasingly clear that Williams was in the wrong business, He sounds less like a newsman than a politician.

Despite a perhaps less than stellar record, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel has won re-election. Should we be surprised? The town’s residents have a long history of supporting the “devil you know.” I mean, how many people have given up being Cubs fans?

Lots of headlines about Derick and Jill Dillard (neé Duggar, of “19 Kids and Counting” having their first baby last night…. And thinking, as popular as this show is in some circles, wonder what the reaction would be if they were African-American?


Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ manuscript sold for $1.2 million, Now, “American Pie” is iconic enough that even the younger generation knows the song. But many of them are wondering “What’s a manuscript?”

A white police officer has been arrested and charged with murder after a video showed him repeatedly shooting and killing a 50 year old black man who was running away. Well, this might get some changes made. Wonder how many states will outlaw cellphone videos?


The scariest thing about ‪#‎WalterScott‬ video is wondering how many of these shootings have happened where there is no cellphone video.

Rand Paul is the latest to declare for 2016. While Paul has many interesting libertarian policies, he’s also come up with gems like this, opposing mandatory vaccination because of “many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Sigh ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ Even with medical school degrees.

And then there were 2.

April 5, 2015

Some Kentucky players didn’t shake Wisconsin’s hands, Andrew Harrison calls Kaminsky the N-word. Guess another problem with the one-and-done mentality is that not only do professors not teach them anything, Calipari didn’t teach them how to lose.


But really, Wisconsin had motivation from a Final Four loss last year late on a Kentucky 3-point shot.  Had many Wildcats been revenge minded from 2014 they’d have had to track down high school opponents.


Frank Kaminsky said of the racial slur from Andrew Harrison after the racial slur last night.  “He reached out to me, we talked about it, [I’m] over it, Nothing needs to be made out of it.”Classy of Frank.  Of course, maybe it helps that  a- this might have been the first time that a white guy from Illinois with Polish heritage got attacked with the N word, and b – the Badgers won.


At least 29 arrests in Lexington after Kentucky’s loss to Wisconsin last night. Come on, can’t they make it 38 misdemeanors and 1 felony?

Well, on the brighter side for Kentucky players, they’ll get a lot more comfortable in losing next year playing next year for the 76ers, Lakers, Knicks…


Apparently after the semi-final game, Kentucky fans were rioting and lighting things on fire in the streets. Imagine how classy they would have been if the Wildcats actually won.


“Tell him good bye.” ‪#‎LonSimmns‬, 91, has passed away. Another great who will not outlast Candlestick. ‪#‎Byebyebaby‬

Rick Santorum, “Tolerance is a two-way street. If you’re a print shop and you are a gay man, should you be forced to print ‘God hates fags’ for the Westboro Baptist Church because they hold those signs up?” Uh oh. Is Santorum feeling so confident that he’s willing to risk the truly looney vote?


The Obama family attended Easter Sunday Alexandria’s Alfred Street Baptist Church, a predominantly African-American church. No doubt the reaction from many conservatives was split between accusing the President of pandering to minorities, to saying this confirmed his Muslim Baptist tendencies.

Fight on!

April 1, 2015

USC AD Pat Haden tweeted today he will skip the College Football Playoff meeting this week in Indianapolis. “I am the proud father of a gay son In his honor, I will not be attending the FP committee meeting in Indy this week.” Impressive work by Indiana, who knew you could give USC the moral high ground?

After supporting the new “religious freedom” law strongly, Indiana Governor Mike Pence today said “we’ll fix this and we’ll move forward.” Translation, “we had no idea that even old boys’ clubs NCAA and NFL would be against it. and we’ve $uddenly got million$ of rea$on$ to rethink thi$.”


New “Daily Show” host Trevor Noah is taking heat for tweets from a few years back that were misogynistic and/or racist. This should be interesting, Noah may turn off some regular viewers, but he might be the first person on the show to be defended on FOX News.



We’ll see how it plays out with Trevor Noah’s offensive tweets. But was anyone but me just a bit annoyed that the Daily Show had to go all the way to South Africa to find someone to replace Jon Stewart, rather than hiring a woman?

Coach K and his former player-assistant coach both have chances to hoist banners this year. ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎Duke‬ ‪#‎NITTournament‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

The average salary this year in Major League Baseball will top $4.25 million. You know what that means. Beer prices are going up.

Phil Jackson, trying to reassure Knicks season tickets holders for next year said “We have a clear plan.” Uh, so did Custer.


Josie Canesco, 18, daughter of Jose, was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Maybe the apple doesn’t stagger far from the tree.

Alabama RB Tyren Jones was already suspended for “conduct not to the standard of the football program. Now he was arrested for marijuana possession, the third Crimson Tide player arrest in four days. Yep, Nick Saban really is running an NFL type program.

Asked why Tampa should make him the first NFL pick this year, Jameis Winston responded “Because I’m the best player in this draft.” Well, it’s a better answer than “Florida has cheap crab legs.”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today in court that Aaron Hernandez told him he was innocent of murder. Well, and why would Kraft think anyone connected with the Patriots would have reason to lie?

Just a hint to political fundraisers – putting “URGENT” on emails asking for donations is a great way to get things urgently put into the spam box.

Tough time to be a environmentally conscious Californian. Starbucks gives you a 10 cent discount for bringing a reusable cup. But washing that cup takes water…..

From Gary M, in response to my suggestion that the Falcons pay guys from local frats rather than paying a fine to pipe in crowd noise…. “Good idea, but the frats probably can’t make bail till after the weekend.”

Springing about a yard – or a century – forward?

March 29, 2015

A man called into an Indianapolis radio station saying he supported the state’s new law and turned away a gay couple at his restaurant. “Yes, I have discriminated…they can have their lifestyle and do their own thing in their own place or with people that want to be with them.” So I presume he also asks straight couples to prove they are married, and to each other?-


More on Indiana. Perhaps all who don’t want any LGBTs in their businesses should put their names on a list somewhere. Because even in the Midwest, there are gay police officers and firefighters. And they would presumably like to know which business owners not to offend by entering in a emergency situation.


Russell Wilson is back at Spring Training with the Texas Rangers. So if he reaches third base can the Rangers call on Marshawn Lynch as a pinch-runner to score?

The ‪#‎NigelHayes‬ dictionary expedition continues  And hey, the Wisconsin Badgers may not win it all. But who knows how many of their young fans may end up learning enough SAT words to get them into college.

Tom Brady posted a “scary” video of him jumping off a cliff while on vacation in Costa Rica. But have to presume his family was in a pretty safe resort area. If Brady wants to do something really terrifying, he could always sign next with the Raiders.

A report says that major U.S. banks are so upset at Elizabeth Warren that they are considering withholding their maximum allowable $15,000 per bank donation to Democratic Senate candidates. Shocking. Does anyone think major banks can’t find a way to donate more than $15,000 to a candidate?

An Arkansas state rep has a bill to ban California wines. Because he says a new California law that bans eggs where hen cages are too small for the birds to turn around is a “substantial burden” on Arkansas’s egg industry.

Hmm. This could result in California wineries losing sales of at least a dozen boxes of wine.

Seven people were shot at a spring break party Friday night. Well, this is what comes of students going to a dangerous place like Mexico. Oh, it was Florida. ‪#‎Nevermind‬.


Okay, Indiana, just imagining this scene. So 13 guys want to book a table for a supper. And one of them even asks if afterwards he might have a basin and towel to wash the other men’s feet. Sounds a bit odd. Guess it’s now legal to turn them down.


Ouch. Timing is everything, and not always in a good way. Germanwings has pulled ads from London’s Underground subway. The slogan? “Get ready to be surprised.

Clearly the referees in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬ realize that that reason we turn into these games is to see foul shots.

A report in a British paper indicates that Russian President Vladimir Putin has a “Internet Research Center” has employees who do nothing but flood Twitter and Facebook accounts with propaganda, each needing to write at least 130 comments a day. Another example of American exceptionalism, here the GOP can accomplish the same thing for free with people who watch Fox News.


So many people questioning ‪#‎WouldKentucky‬ beat some NBA teams. Maybe we should be questioning ‪#‎WouldKnicks‬ beat some of these top NCAA teams


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