Posted tagged ‘NCAA jokes’

Below expectations?

January 18, 2015

The bleachers at Wrigley Field won’t be ready by Opening Day, and due to renovations will be closed at least all of April, and possibly May.   Longtime Cubs bleacher bums are upset, they already know they’ll miss October.

Yes, the Oscars this year are very white. But while we’re screaming about lack of diversity, once again, where are the nominees for comic movies and “chick flicks”? ‪#‎grumpyoldacademymen

 

The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have announced a 50th anniversary reunion show this July. Good news for many of those who saw the band in its “smoky” heyday. It will be an actual concert they can remember.

Jennifer Aniston, being asked again about a rivalry with Angelina Jolie. “I think it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness.” What, and put all those tabloid writers out of business?

 

President Obama apparently will propose raising the capital gains tax on on couples making more than $500,000 per year to 28 percent, the same level as under Reagan. Have to wonder how many younger GOP legislators are thinking “yeah, that commie pinko… oh wait, never mind.”

 

The Power 5 NCAA conferences approved a measure 79-1 saying that schools must pay athletes a stipend (a few thousand a year) to cover the actual cost of attendance besides room, board and books. One ACC school dissented. Wonder if it was FSU. That stipend probably wouldn’t cover crab legs.

Meanwhile, the University of California will tie pay for newly hired coaches and athletic directors to their athletes’ performance in the classroom. Which is a good thing. Unless it means more athletes majoring in underwater basket weaving.

According to the NY Times, a U.S congressional delegation is in Havana this weekend to meet with Cuban officials “to discuss greater cooperation and remaining areas of disagreement.” And maybe to do a little cigar shopping.

Bill Cosby’s lawyer says he has proof the comedian was not in Los Angeles the night a model accuses him of drugging and sexually assaulting her at the Playboy Mansion. If true, that’s one “she said” down, and about 99 to go.

Fox is considering bringing back “24” without Kiefer Sutherland/Jack Bauer. ‪#‎whatsthepoint‬

 

Free pass on the bus to hell for my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “‘There’s an easier way.’ – Bill Cosby to Greg Anthony”

 

The Colts’ Trent Richardson didn’t travel with his team to Sunday’s AFC championship game against the Patriots because of “personal reasons” As in “personally” everyone else on the team is sick of him?

Threats and counterthreats

December 20, 2014

North Korea wants to investigate the Sony cyberattack jointly with the U.S. and has threatened “serious consequences” if we refuse their offer. So will Obama’s counter demand to set the hackers loose on FOX News?

(and to be bipartisan about this joke, followed by MSNBC.)

University of Florida QB Treon was arrested for allegedly driving a car without a license, and apparently he has never had a driver’s license. Makes sense, passing the test is probably a lot harder than getting into Florida.

 

Why there is no satire. Doug Amos, a local sports-talk radio host about the first ever Camellia Bowl tonight in Montgomery, Alabama between Bowling Green and South Alabama. “I thinks it’s going to be the biggest event Montgomery has ever seen. ‪#‎yeshedid‬ ‪#‎facepalm‬

Texas A&M has lost their top defensive football commitment. DT Daylon Mack, ranked as the #11 high school prospect by ESPN, says he has decommitted from the Aggies, and now may end up at LSU. Where no doubt if he doesn’t get enough playing time he will grumble about broken promises.

University of Florida QB Treon was arrested for allegedly driving a car without a license, and apparently he has never had a driver’s license. Makes sense, passing the test is probably a lot harder than getting into Florida.

 

Roger Goodell told the Chargers, Rams and Raiders — each of whom thought they could file relocation applications for the 2015 season starting Jan. 1, that the earliest any team could move to Los Angeles  would be 2016.   And LA fans who watched the Raiders this year are thinking “Well, we dodged one bullet.”

George Clooney has come out with a petition asking Sony to release “The Interview” and to stand up to extortion. Meaning two things: 1. George has the courage of his convictions. 2. He hasn’t written anything embarrassing in an email.

NBA commissioner Adam Silver said in an interview that tanking is really a myth: “I absolutely don’t think any team is trying to lose.” So when did the commissioner get his prescription for medical marijuana?

Khloe Kardashian has now apparently been linked to former Stanford and current NBA Robin Lopez. If true, we can title this one as a chapter of “Smart Men, Really Foolish Choices.”

Michael Vick says he thinks Jameis Winston could be the NFL’s next big star. Well, the FSU QB has already gotten his first arrests out of the way..

 

 

from Marc Ragovin  “The Federal Communications Commission has rejected a petition requesting that a Washington-area radio station be banned from using the word “Redskins” over the air because the name isn’t indecent. Guess the commissioners haven’t watched Washington game this year.”

Oldies but goodies?

November 19, 2014

You know you’re getting older when People Magazine names their ‪#‎SexiestManAlive‬ and your first reaction is “Who?” ‪#‎ChrisHemsworth‬

Cadillac now says they have created their fastest car ever, the 2016 ATS-V is capable of 185 miles per hour, 0 to 60 mph in 3.9 seconds. And it can presumably do all this with its left blinker on

 

A 58 year old West Virginia woman and her husband have five biological children and 29 adopted ones, many with health problems or disabilities She said it’s what they “feel called to do by our faith,” and they may adopt more. And somewhere maybe God is thinking, “hey Duggars, this is how it’s done.”

Tiger Woods is lashing out at a parody interview titled ‘My (Fake) Interview with Tiger” in Golf Digest, saying the piece was “below the belt.” Two things. Tiger should know about “below the belt.”. And is Golf Digest giving him a cut of the extra magazine sales?

United Airlines is trying a pilot program where travelers can use miles for food and drink at Newark Airport. But it’s not a great exchange rate, a cocktail at one bistro is 2,000 miles. Maybe United is banking on the fact that after passengers get off one of their flights, they’ll be thinking they’re in no hurry to fly again, and they’ll pay anything for a drink.

Alabama and Mississippi State didn’t play particularly well in the Tides’ 25-20 win last Saturday. But it was enough to move Alabama to #1 in the College Football Playoff rankings, and only drop MSU to #4. No, the committee isn’t biased. Not one bit.

Ray Sadecki died at the age of 73. The former SF Giants pitcher apparently had a successful 18-year career,. But alas even his obituary leads with being part of one bad trade.

 

Oakland may not have to worry about losing the Raiders to Texas. San Antonio will probably phone Raiders owner Mark Davis any day now to say. “Sorry, we were in the market for an NFL team.

 

Delta Airlines has changed their frequent flier program to disallow stopovers on award tickets, and to make open-jaw tickets more “expensive.” Did someone ever tell airlines these are theoretically LOYALTY programs? More like they are aiming to be disloyalty programs.

-Tickets for Cal’s last football game of the season are on sale for 66% off on Groupon. So the Golden Bears couldn’t drum up much excitement for a game one week AFTER the “Big Game” with Stanford. Against BYU. On Thanksgiving weekend…. I’m shocked, shocked.

 

 

Convicted mass murderer Charlie Manson, 80 and his 26 year old girlfriend have been granted a marriage license and could marry next month.   Where’s the sanctity of marriage crowd on this one?

All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.

 

The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.

 

The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.

 

#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.

 

Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”

A behind by any other name?

August 8, 2014

College instructors now use plagiarism software that can detect passages taken directly from the internet. So some students have taken to using “synonym swapping” to change phrases. At Middlesex University in England, however, a student was caught when he changed the words “left behind” to “sinister buttocks.”

 

A judge ruled today that the NCAA is violating antitrust laws by restricting the compensation that major college football and men’s basketball athletes can receive for use of their names, images and likeness. So in the SEC and at USC, does this just mean athlete pay goes from under to on the table?

 

Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby on the NCAA allowing power conferences to set their own rules. “This (vote) is about higher education.” And he said it with a straight face.

A toddler apparently got past security and through the White House fence yesterday. He was returned safely to his parents. Though President Obama probably had a more mature interaction with the boy than he has had with Congress.

In Missouri, the CEO of Windemere Baptist Conference center was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a dog and an unnamed other animal on Craigslist. Hmm, when some of these anti-gay marriage folks are saying it will lead to people wanting to marry their pets, are they speaking from experience?

Putin has decided to ban imports of many foods from EU members, the US and Canada into Russia, including meat, fish, cheese, fruits and vegetables. Whiskey, on the other hand, is exempt. #priorities.

New backup 49ers QB Blaine Gabbert had a 1.7 passer rating in his debut preseason appearance. (3 of 11 for 20 yards.) Well, Tim Tebow is available….

Seahawks CB Tharold Simon was ejected from the team’s first pre-season game for throwing a punch at one of the Broncos. Is Simon trying to get traded to the Ravens?

As Hurricane Iselle swept through Hawaii, many surfers took to the waves. Alas for the long term betterment of humankind, there appear to have been no Darwin Awards.

President Obama ordered U.S. jet fighters to strike ISIS militants in Iraq. This has to be a real problem for many in the GOP. How do they criticize Obama for bombing someone?

 

 

Headline on ESPN “Team USA adds Gay to roster.” Just waiting for the first moron to scream about a homosexual agenda.

Rolling in the deep.

June 2, 2014

Jacques Cousteau’s grandson is going underwater for 31 days starting next week. It will be a record for the longest time anyone has spent down in the depths. Well, other than the Chicago Cubs.

A $40 million settlement has been reached for college athletes with NCAA branded video-games. So basketball and football players will receive from between $48 to $951 per year for each year they were on rosters. And presumably the lawyers receive $20 million.

RIP Ann B. Davis, Alice on the Brady Bunch, who passed away at the age of 88. And this probably has a bigger emotional effect on many late baby-boomers than the death of Maya Angelou.

For Americans confused and unsure about the negotiations that led to Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s release, the GOP has simplified things: “Obama did it, it was wrong.”

Joe Biden gave the commencement address at the University of Delaware. The speech presumably took place on Saturday and Sunday.

 

Juan Carlos I of Spain will abdicate and hand the crown to his son. And in England the British are telling Queen Elizabeth II “don’t even think of it.”

 

Some in the GOP are demanding hearings into Bowe Bergdahl’s release. Exactly. How dare he not stay in Afghan custody until a Republican is President.

From Bill Littlejohn  “MLB and Joe Torre have warned Dodger pitchers to pick up their pace, as their games are getting too long. They first became aware when arriving fans at Dodger Stadium started getting there in the first inning instead of the usual third”

 

The NRA said last Friday that Open Carry Texas has gone too far in bringing their guns to restaurants: “‘A small number (of Texans) have recently crossed the line from enthusiasm to downright foolishness.”‘ Wow. The NRA believes there IS a line to cross?

 

 

From T.C. Re: Sofia  Vergara and her fiance have split up. And millions of men around the world are thinking “There’s hope!”  And Marc Ragovin’s “The Mets have fired their hitting coach, Dave Hudgens. We had a hitting coach? asked every member of the team.

TC wants to hire a hitting coach for tips on hitting on Sofiia Vergara.

Crime$ and mi$demeanor$?

May 14, 2014

90 people were arrested today, 50 in Florida, for Medicare fraud schemes estimated to total $260 million. But to be fair, the Florida folks say they were just training to run for Governor.

The NBA on last night’s OKC-LA officiating hiccup: “There has to be ‘clear and conclusive’ evidence. Since no replay provided such evidence, the play correctly stood as called with the Thunder retaining possession.” Translation, “you really think we’re going to admit to changing the outcome of a playoff game?”

 

The NCAA penalized Oklahoma State because the football program’s Academic Progress Rate score has dropped below the minimum standard. So the Cowboys will lose the equivalent of one day’s practice a week. But OSU avoided worse sanctions, like making the players actually go to class.

 

 

Joran van der Sloot, the main suspect in Natalee Hollowa’s disappearance, is serving a 28-year sentence in Peru for killing a local woman. And now he’s getting MARRIED. To a woman he met while in prison, who is pregnant with his child. Can we title this “Not so smart woman, exceptionally foolish choices.”?

Really? NY Daily News headline today “Nicole Kidman sparks plastic surgery rumors at Cannes?” So what’s their next headline? “This internet thing could be really big!”?

MLB changed the call on David Ortiz’s 7th inning hit that fell between two fielders in right field during Yu Darvish’s near no-hitter from an error to a single. Just wondering, if it wasn’t a star like Big Papi, would MLB even have considered it?

A girl escaped with scrapes and two little boys are in stable condition after wind gusts swept their inflatable bounce house into the air with them inside. Fortunately they fell out relatively quickly although the inflatable house eventually rose 50 feet and drifted several hundred yards before landing. Some will see this story and think “lawsuit”, others will think “how do I make a bounce house do that?”

 

Dallas sports anchor Dale Hansen is back. Not doing much for the Stone Age reputation of older white Southern men: “When Sam was seen celebrating with his family — and boyfriend — the world apparently shook, we almost collided with the sun, and yet SOMEHOW, we have survived another day.”-

 

 

The Missouri legislature just passed legislation requiring women to wait 72 hours to have an abortion. If they really wanted to stop abortion maybe all these mostly male legislators could pass a law making men wait 72 hours to have sex.

 

Donald Sterling now says if he can keep the Clippers he won’t have to worry about an NBA players boycott. He really thinks the team will keep playing? Heck, looks like they quit already with a minute left in game five.

Ben Sasse, who just won the GOP Primary to run for U.S. Senator from Nebraska, says on his website “Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances. He will fight for the right of all Americans to act in accordance with their conscience.” Let me guess, in all his time at Harvard and Yale, one class Sasse never took was “Comparative Religions?”

Leland Yee is still on the ballot as running for California Secretary of State. And no doubt more than a few Californians will say “Hey, I know that name from somewhere,” and vote for him.

The Pac-12 is set to announce that it will move their league championship football game to the 49ers’ new Santa Clara facility. Well, this will guarantee fans at Levi’s stadium the ability to see top college-level talent this year, other than the Redskins in November.


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