Posted tagged ‘NBA jokes’

Arrested development.

April 15, 2014

There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

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So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?

 

Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”

 

 

Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

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Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

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Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.

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Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

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In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

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A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

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Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

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Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?

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The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

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A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 

 

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For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)

 

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College, we hardly knew ye

April 6, 2014

Anyone but me having problems with Kentucky players talking about how they really came together as a team during this intense four month bonding process?

 

Heck, there are celebrity mistake marriages that stay together longer than this Wildcats “team.”-

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Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari says he wants to replace “one and done” with “Succeed and Proceed.” Really? “Succeed and Proceed?” Some of his “one and dones” can’t even spell it.

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Maybe Calipari would do better to refer to his freshmen leaving for the NBA as a “conscious uncoupling?”

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It’s a dated joke but someone had to do it. The March Madness semi-final  Wisconsin Kentucky game hads more runs than a cheap pair of pantyhose.

(younger readers seeing “pantyhose,” it’s okay, you can Google it.)

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All these references to “North Texas.” Maybe it’s because those sitting in the upper levels of Cowboys stadium feel like they’re watching from the North Pole?

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Postgame chat with UConn’s star guard ends with “Shabazz Napier has helped his team get to a better place.” Because of course it’s the “Get to a better place, State Farm” sponsored interview. Can’t imagine, again, how these kids get the idea it’s all about money.

 

So with senior laden #Florida and #Wisconsin teams both losing #NCAA basketball’s status as 1 year NBA D-League is cemented.

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No alleged recruiting or other violations yet but John Calipari could be going for the permanent world record of vacated Final Four appearances.

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Yasiel Puig was in the Dodgers lineup Saturday, having made it to the park on time. I see a great potential endorsement deal ahead with Uber.

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The NBA has suspended Bucks center Larry Sanders, who is an advocate for marijuana legalization, five games for using pot. Wonder what Sanders can do with all that free time?

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The driver who put a Chicago subway train up an escalator at O’Hare airport has been fired. Well, this will simplify the answer to “Why did you leave your last job?”

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The Chinese say they have again detected a pulse in the search for MH 370. Well, that’s more than most folks do on an average day with Larry King.

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Isn’t it time that CNN replace the “Breaking News. The search for Flight 370″ banner, with “The Latest Speculation. The search for 370″?

 

 

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From my friend Jim Barach.  “180,000 eggs were stolen from a truck in Florida. Police are now posting armed guards around the clock at the home of the Miami officer who recently arrested Justin Bieber.”

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered?

March 14, 2014

Sarah Palin is selling her ‘One Nation Tour’ bus for $279,000. Buyer beware – it’s a nice-looking rig, but apparently tends to stop halfway through a trip.

 

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The San Francisco 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Now if they draft Michael Sam, coach Jim Harbaugh can pretty much guarantee all the reporters in training camp won’t be there to ask Colin Kaepernick about his disappointing performance in the 2013 playoffs.

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Geek jokes: In Colorado and Washington,will Saturday be national Pi day?

 

Regarding that billion dollar prize for picking the winners of every March Madness game, the odds of getting it right are apparently 1 in 9 quintillion Yes, curiously enough the same odds of the Cubs winning the World Series.

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A bride and groom heading to their honeymoon in Costa Rica got into a drunken fight on a Delta flight. It got bad enough that the pilot made an emergency landing on Grand Cayman, where the groom was taken into custody. The bride flew on to Costa Rica. Hoping their wedding guests have saved receipts for those presents.

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The San Francisco 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Now if they draft Michael Sam, coach Jim Harbaugh can pretty much guarantee all the reporters in training camp won’t be there to ask Colin Kaepernick about his disappointing performance in the 2013 playoffs.

 

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Scott Brown announced he is thinking of running for the Senate race in New Hampshire against Jeanne Shaheen. Democratic speechwriters are calling GOP speechwriters to see if they can buy and recycle their Hilary Clinton carpetbagger jokes.

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The latest theory about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 – that it could have landed on a remote Indian Ocean island. Whatever the final answer turns out to be, this whole situation has to be a major source of inspiration for novelists and screenwriters.

 

Apparently Phil Jackson is close to signing a deal to become president of the New York Knicks. Does his contract include Hazmat pay for attempting to clean up a toxic mess?

 

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Bus to hell moment:  Darn shame Blockbuster is out of business. If one of those Malaysian Airlines passengers had an overdue movie they’d have found them by now.

Sounding silent?

March 10, 2014

Today is the 50th anniversary of the first recording of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence.” Of course now the “Sounds of Silence” is when the duo turn off their hearing aids.

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Retired NBA star Tracy McGrady, who wants to play professional baseball, has been invited by the independent Atlantic League Sugar Land Skeeters to spring training. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the Miami Marlins.

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The law of unintended consequences.  Millions of men look better to their spouses and girlfriends tonight. Simply because they are not Juan Pablo.

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A Minnesota legislator tweeted “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime” Proving once again you don’t need to show your bare a** on social media to make an a** of yourself.

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The Miami Heat clinched a playoff berth. But isn’t the requirement to clinch a playoff spot in the #NBA East to be “alive and breathing?

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Sbarro pizza restaurant chain filed for bankruptcy court protection Monday, the second time in three years. Guess there’s increasingly less of a market for fans of Italian food who find Olive Garden too exotic.

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The mystery regarding Malaysian flight 370 deepens. And it poses a quandary for some in the GOP – who do we criticize Obama for not bombing?

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Apparently the father of the young woman paying her Duke tuition by doing porn is an army doctor, who just found out about her job when he returned from Afghanistan. Could have been worse. He could have found out while doing some online “browsing.”

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Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, 88, died over the weekend. Got to wonder in Dallas and Washington D.C. how many peoples’ ears pricked up when they heard “NFL” “Owner” and “Died” in the same sentence, and then thought “Darn….”

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Truer words may never have been spoken. During a video deposition for a lawsuit involving his bodyguard, Justin Bieber was asked if Usher discovered him. He responded ““I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

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At his murder trial Oscar Pistorius vomited repeatedly today during graphic testimony about about the fatal injuries sustained by his girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

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Former GOP Governor of Florida Charlie Crist, now running again as a Democrat, said of his former party – they are now “perceived as being anti-women, anti-minority, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment I mean pretty soon, there’s nobody left.”

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Senator Mitch McConnell, on the Tea Party and their primary challengers. “I think we are going to crush them everywhere. I don’t think they are going to have a single nominee anywhere in the country.” These days would Will Rogers have to say he’s a Republican?

Springing slowly forward.

March 9, 2014

So if we have to lose an hour of sleep, why can’t it be on say, a Thursday, when we’re almost at the weekend, and it doesn’t cut out of the Saturday night’s sleep that most Americans  look forward to the most?

 

In Ohio, two high schools were named ice hockey co-state champions after they played to a 1-1 tie after seven overtimes. Meaning that game lasted about as long as the last two minutes of some NBA games.

 

Another one the Onion can’t top: Michele Bachmann at CPAC. ” You see our movement at its core is an intellectual movement.”

 

More Michele Bachmann, railing against Obamacare. “Government is not the family, it is not the church and certainly it should never be our doctor’s office.” Okay, I can go along with that statement.

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Ted Cruz on Obama. “The President of the United States is the first President we’ve ever had who thinks he can choose which laws to enforce and which to ignore.” Guess the Senator from Texas’s memory is working as well as the rest of his brain.

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Two consumer groups are trying to get the Girl Scouts to end their partnership with Mattel’s Barbie. Saying that she is a flawed role model for little girls. “A flawed role model?”. Really? As a former owner I never wanted to be Barbie. But she had great clothes

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What a week for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks, first Ersan Ilyasova was suspended for punching a Kings player, now O.J. Mayo was ejected and faces a suspension for shoving a Pelican. The Bucks may or may not end up with the #1 draft pick. But the whole team stands a chance of being invited to Celebrity Boxing.

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Despite their horrible season, the Lakers are apparently not planning to fire coach Mike D’Antoni. Possibly because they think he has done as well as can be expected. And possibly because they don’t think they could get anyone else to take over this mess.

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Stanford University coach David Shaw, speaking out against a potential new early signing period in college football said. “We have a lot of kids that don’t know if they’re going to get into school until after that early signing day. So we’re going to punish the academic schools just because coaches don’t want a kid to switch their commitment?” And down in the SEC, they’re asking “What’s an academic school?”

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There doesn’t appear to be any happy ending with the story of Malaysian flight 370. But already there is the rumor of possible terrorism because two passengers were using stolen passports. Have to wonder though, on ANY given international flight with 200 plus people on board, how many people are using stolen or forged passports?

Lost in Translation.

March 4, 2014

It’s not just tourists who mangle language. During his Sunday blessing, Pope Francis apparently accidentally confused the Italian word “caso” — which means “case” — with “cazzo” — which can translate to “f–k.” Either that or the pontiff is going to new lengths to appeal to the younger generation.

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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick now wants a $18 million a year deal so he can get paid like Tony Romo. Is that because late in the NFL championship game Colin started playing like Tony Romo?

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Microsoft’s new CEO announced that Mark Penn, who has been with the company 2 years, will take on the new role of chief strategy officer. That same Mark Penn who ran the successful 2008 campaign of President Hillary Clinton… Oh, right. Never mind.

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The federal government was shut down today for yet another winter storm. . Meaning Congress got about as much done as normal.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers unveiled new uniforms to “establish a new, bolder identity moving forward.” Unfortunately for Bucs fans, the new uniforms will still contain the same players.

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Mark Cuban says he thinks it would be better for top prospects to to play in the NBA Development League instead of spending one season in college. And a lot of high school stars are thinking “What? You mean college isn’t a one year NBA Development League?”

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Dodgers pitcher Brian Wilson got a new tattoo on his left hand, of a handgun. Hope he keeps the hand covered while on road trips to the Marlins. In Florida seeing that tattoo could be enough excuse for someone to shoot him.

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The NFL, trying to make extra points more interesting, is thinking of placing the ball at the 25-yd line, making it a 42-yd attempt. Of course, there are other possibilities. Like making the QB, or a lineman try the kick?    Am sure readers can come up with even more funky solutions?

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Los Angeles coach Mike D’Antoni says he doesn’t think Steve Nash will play again before the season’s over. Although actually it’s been a few months since we knew the Lakers’ season was over.

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-#Oscars. #1 question at the Academy this morning. How the heck do we get #TinaFey and #AmyPoehler to host next year?

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#KimNovak at the #Oscars did answer one other question. “Could any human being make Joan Rivers look natural by comparison?

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A new bill in California would require bottled beverages with added sugars and fountain machines that dispense them to bear warning labels that say “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” To reach the people who both didn’t know that and who actually read labels?

The gangs that couldn’t shoot, period.

December 4, 2013

The San Antonio Spurs and Minnesota Timberwolves were to play a game in Mexico City Wednesday night,  but the arena was evacuated before tipoff because of smoke inside the arena. This would never happen if the Knicks and Nets were playing. Neither team is hot enough to generate smoke.

 

 

The Knicks and Nets are playing Thursday night. Do NBA rules require that someone really has to win?

 

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Carmelo Anthony says the NY Knicks are the “laughingstock of the league” right now. And the Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Who are we, chopped liver?”

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The Raptors blew a 27 point third-quarter lead last night in losing to the Golden State Warriors. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to Toronto recently not involving Rob Ford.

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Krispy Kreme shares fell 20% yesterday after disappointing earnings. Maybe analysts got a little too over-optimistic with those new marijuana legalization laws.

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Steelers coach Mike Tomlin has been fined $100,000 for his sideline interference with Jacoby Jones. Hmm, sounds like Tomlin could have saved $50,000 by just spilling a drink on him.

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West may have their wedding at the Palace of Versailles.    Thinking of what happened to the couple who last used the place…   And just guessing the Kim and Kanye weren’t big history students?

(maybe they’ll be married in the Petit Trianon. With lots of cake?)

 

 

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Scientists are working on developing an artificial heart without a pulse. Big deal. Dick Cheney has lived 72 years having a pulse without a heart.

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Willie Meggs, the State Attorney handling the sexual assault investigation of Florida State QB Jameis Winston said he will announce the investigation results tomorrow at 2 pm. Meggs added that the investigation was “not based on a football schedule or anyone else’s calendar.” And he said it with a straight face.

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San Francisco area news stations are making much of the fact that the weather is expected to be near freezing tonight. And on the East Coast they are thinking “Just STFU.”

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From Alex Kaseberg:  “Dennis Rodman has launched his own line of vodka. Which is pretty much like a fire launching its own line of gasoline.”

Every breath you take….

June 23, 2013

Facebook admitted yesterday they accidentally exposed 6 million users’ phone numbers and email addresses to unauthorized viewers over the past year. Why are we wasting taxpayer funds on the NSA etc when the private sector can invade our privacy so much more inexpensively?

 

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What’s more unreal to modern Monopoly players? That you can buy properties for hundreds of dollars? Or that anyone would want to buy property in Atlantic City?

 

 

Hillary Clinton, speaking in Toronto, “Let me say this, hypothetically speaking, I really do hope that we have a woman president in my lifetime.” Wonder if you can find a video of the speech at Hillary2016.com

 

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Derek Jeter says he is making progress with his broken ankle. Wonder if he’ll be back in time for the next Yankees’ old timers game?

 

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   “New York Yankee great, Joe Torre’s daughter, Christine, caught a baby that fell from a fire escape in Brooklyn; good thing she wasn’t a Mets’ daughter. She would have made an error throwing the baby to first.

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Reports are that Aaron Hernandez reportedly destroyed his home surveillance system and handed his cellphone over to police “in pieces.” If the Patriots’ TE isn’t guilty of murder, he may be guilty of being one of the stupider SOB’s that ever lived.

 

1997 Tour de France winner Jan Ullrich finally admitted that he did blood doping during his career. At this point it would be bigger news if we found out one of the top racers WASN’T doping.

 

So the NBA finals were last Thursday, and the NBA draft is next Thursday. And the NFL is trying to figure out…. how do we do that? #Yearroundleague

 

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Colin Kaepernick threw out the first pitch at Friday night’s #SFGiants game; he was clocked at 87 mph. And Barry Zito just wept.

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Wonder if they are applying for tax exempt status? “Americans for Food and Beverage Choice?”, self-described as “a group of people just like you” is running ads against “new taxes and regulations on food and beverages”  

“Just like you.”    

Right. And just coincidence that “The American Beverage Association, which represents the non-alcoholic beverage industry, is leading this coalition”?

 

Faster than a speeding kitten?

June 21, 2013

Apparently new wi-fi technology will double the speed of the existing standard. Just think, more and faster cat pictures!

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So the consensus last fall was that no one cared about the NBA because the Miami Heat were a slam dunk to win it all. So can we go back not to caring now?

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Lebron James at the post-game news conference, talking about all the Miami Heat had been through, all the “adversity…” Really? Can we say “Top-1%-of-First-World-Problems?”

(or maybe Top-1%-of-1%-of-First-World-Problems.)

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Had the San Antonio Spurs pulled an aging rabbit out of their hat, would they have been the last NBA champions mostly without tattoos?

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Another reason MLB is better than the NBA: The officiating isn’t perfect. But balls and strikes in the ninth inning bear some relationship to balls and strikes in the first inning. Unlike fouls in the fourth quarter vs. the first quarter.

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Rumor has it that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter has been named North West. No pictures of the new baby yet. Maybe her parents are holding out for enough money to pay her future therapy bills?

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Who needs the NSA? I decide to go to Southwest.com briefly to check something out for a friend. It takes about 5 minutes before Yahoo mail gives me a Southwest ad.

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A 22 year old Australian man, who got in trouble last summer for wild and drunken behavior on a holiday weekend, has asked a judge for 3 months in jail instead of a two year ban on drinking and going to bars. Hmm. have we found a soul mate for Lindsay Lohan?

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Can’t imagine how some Republicans get the reputation for being anti-woman. In Illinois, the chairman of a county committee railed against former Miss America, Erika Harold, now a lawyer running in a GOP congressional primary – “Now, Miss Queen is being used like a street walker and her pimps are the DEMOCRAT PARTY and RINO REPUBLICANS.”

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Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, serving a 24 year sentence, is asking that 10 years be taken off his sentence in exchange for giving victims the the $40 million that he had agreed to forfeit if his appeals were unsuccessful. Another potential Golden Rule application – “Have the gold, make the rules.”

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Of course we don’t really know much, though what we know doesn’t look good, but Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez – a history of drug use AND concussions. And the NFL worries about excessive celebrations

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From T.C.  “Sesame Street has just introduced a new character named Alex, whose dad is in jail. No word on Alex’s last name being Ochocinco.”

Sins of Our Fathers?

June 16, 2013

#FathersDay is always a big day for awkward family phone calls. Especially. in the NBA, where the response to a “Happy Father’s Day phone conversation often starts “So which one are you, anyway?”

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Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country.  Anyone outside of South Florida tonight not rooting for the San Antonio Spurs against the Miami Heat?

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Whatever happens in game 6 and 7, guess there are children in Africa who will be enjoying their “NBA Championship Heat Sweep” t-shirts.

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No word on what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will call their baby. Wonder if they’re auctioning off naming rights?

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Ian Kennedy says his 10 game suspension for throwing at the heads of Yasiel Puig and Zach Greinke doesn’t make sense. He’s probably right. It should have been 30.

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New Yorkers are a different breed. A woman appears to have committed suicide by jumping from the 12th floor of her ritzy Upper East Side apartment, and a neighbor, who told a reporter the woman was fully clothed including shoes added “”They look like nice dress shoes.”

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Stanford graduation speaker today New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So wonder if the stadium banned guests bringing in large soft drinks?

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Sarah Palin on Syria. “I say let Allah sort it out. ” But then adding “until we have a commander-in-chief who knows what they’re doing.” You’d think the one thing Palin might be an expert on quitting while she’s ahead.

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Watching all the best golfers in the world head to the wrong side of par, appears like the real winner at the U.S. Open today was the Merion course.

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In what apparently was a bad mood last night Texas A&M Aggies sophomore quarterback Johnny Manziel tweeted then deleted the following “Bulls— like tonight is a reason why I can’t wait to leave college station…whenever it may be.” Well, this ought to make Manziel real popular with the local fans if he has a sophomore slump.

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What happened to “World Peace?” Miss Utah tonight, asked in the Miss USA pageant about the fact that women are primary breadwinners in 40% of households, but still earn less than men. ““I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are continuing to try to strive to… figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem right now. “I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to see how to … create education better. So that we can solve this problem. Thank you.”

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Let me guess,  Miss Utah is neither seeing herself as a future breadwinner nor someone who needs to concern herself much with education.

The Heat is On.   

June 10, 2013

For San Antonio Spurs fans Sunday’s game against the Miami Heat was almost as horrific as last Sunday’s “Game of Thrones” wedding.

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That late third quarter run by the #MiamiHeat against the #SanAntonioSpurs could almost be considered elder abuse.

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You think you have a tough week, month or year ahead at work. You could be the lawyers assigned to defend Ariel Castro, who apparently plans to plead not guilty on all counts.

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UCLA was the first qualifier for the College World Series. At this point they might be a better amateur team than the Los Angeles Angels.

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Interesting that the Tony awards and the NBA finals are on the same night. One uses statues, the other uses free throws, but they both reward acting.

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Since May 31, the NY Mets were swept by the Miami Marlins in five games over two series. Who knew that the best day so far in June for Mets fans would be last Friday’s rainout?

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The suspected Santa Monica gunman was ID’ed today. Previously he had only been identified as “male.” With these mass shootings doesn’t that kind of go without saying?

And another thought about all the killers in shooting sprees being male. Aren’t women the ones who are supposed to be in homicidal rages every month?

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Meanwhile, in Arizona, a 4 year old boy accidentally shot his father with a gun he found while they were visiting,   Proving once again, guns don’t kill people, children kill people.

 

On a lighter note, in his first inning in the major leagues, San Francisco outfielder Juan Perez caught a ball against the padded fence in Arizona that made all the highlight reels.  Good thing Perez’s opening start wasn’t against the Cubs with the brick walls in Wrigley, or he’d be viewing those highlights from a hospital bed.

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From Gary Bachman:  ” Tennessee deadbeat dad Orlando Shaw has fathered 22 kids to 14 different women. I’m shocked– Shaw has never played in the NBA.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spurred on.

June 7, 2013

The aging San Antonio Spurs looked like the more energetic team tonight in the NBA finals, despite the late 9pm start time.  Maybe it works having dinner be that 4p Early Bird Special.

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David Stern said before game 1 that this was “probably the most anticipated Finals in who knows, 30 years.” Wow, that’s almost as good as Bud Selig saying the steroid era was over.

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45 years ago,  June 6,  Robert F. Kennedy died after being shot the night before. Scary to realize he’s been dead longer than he was alive.

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Dallas Cowboys DT Josh Brent, awaiting trial for the DUI car crash that killed his teammate Jerry Brown, tested positive for marijuana. Prosecutors are trying to revoke his bail, and presumably to add charges of criminal stupidity and 1st degree douchebagery.

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On a package of Children’s Benadryl: “Do not use to make a child sleepy.”   Wonder if it will stop parents from trying, or give more other parents the idea.

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The karmic payback for shutting down Stephen Strasburg in 2012 continues? The Nationals’ Bryce Harper now will see Dr. James Andrews about his knee, which is not responding to treatment.

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Chris Christie appointed N.J. Attorney General Jeffrey Chiesa, a self-described “conservative Republican” to the Senate to replace Frank Lautenberg. Chiesa called the appointment “an incredible honor,” and says he will not run in the October special election. Translation, he knows he has no chance of winning.

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Mississippi State’s football program is expected to be hit with sanctions for “major infractions” tomorrow. What’s a “major infraction?” Anything done wrong by a non-major SEC program.

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A truck carrying a tank of 6,000 gallons whiskey overturned in New Jersey, and then the liquor caught fire. Firefighters were able to use foam to extinguish the blaze and much of the liquor just flowed into the gutter. At Jersey Shore, flags were lowered to half staff.

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UNC leading scorer’s P.J. Hairston was charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop in Durham, N.C. Really? You’re a Tar Heel and you do something illegal in Durham? About as smart as speeding near Fenway Park wearing a Yankees Cap.

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A judge tossed a suit by PA’s governor alleging that taking scholarships from Penn State will result in a market-wide anticompetitive effect, such that the “nation’s top scholastic football players” would be unable to obtain a Division 1 scholarship.” Uh, right, because Penn State was only taking student-athletes who had no other offers.

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Wonder how many of the people screaming about the NSA getting Americans’ telephone records are the same ones screaming that the government should have been keeping close track on the Boston bombers.

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A JetBlue flight from White Plains, NY to Fort Myers, FL was diverted to JFK after a bird strike this morning. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.

Droning on…

June 5, 2013

Domino’s is testing a drone, dubbed the DomiCopter, that could someday deliver two large pizzas within a four mile radius in 10 minutes. Considering the fat and calories in an average large Domino’s pizza, this drone is likely to kill a lot more Americans than those used by the Defense Department.

The GOP is mad at Chris Christie for calling a special election in October and not appointing a Republican senator through 2014. Democrats are mad at the N.J. Governor for not having the election three weeks later when he himself is running for re-election. Thinking if you can annoy both parties you must be doing something right.
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Chris Christie has called a special election for October 16 to replace N.J. Senator  Frank Lauterberg. Smart decision. Avoids the political trap of choosing someone to serve 18 months, and at least Mets, Phillies and probably Yankees fans won’t be distracted by playoff games.
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Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is finally final. So where are all the defenders of traditional marriage for procreation and child raising on this one?

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Am I happy reading about the tax money spent on expensive IRS conferences, no? But a little amusing to hear the outrage from Congress when they also support allowing tax deductions for “business expenses” like Michelin-starred meals, five-star hotels and Super Bowl tickets…

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Adrian Peterson says now that he would be okay with a openly gay teammate. But that “simple things, as far as showers and things like that, you know, of course, anyone would be uncomfortable.” Once again, proof that women are tougher than men.

 

Wednesday’s Blue Jays Giants game is a 100mph pitchers’ duel. Dickey and Zito combined might throw 100mph.

Well, we knew Yasiel Puig could hit AAA pitching. Now let’s see what happens when the Dodgers take on someone other than the Padres.
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Meanwhile from Bill Littlejohn:   “A skunk made an appearance in the stands at Dodger Stadium last night.Scouting reports said that he’s a pretty good spray hitter”

(insert Pepe Le Puig joke here.)
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“Really?” department: The Pres. of the Coalition for Life of Iowa, a witness at the IRS hearings said her group was provisionally granted 501(c)(3) nonprofit status on the condition that its officers sign a promise that they would not protest nor organize protests or pickets of Planned Parenthood. “That’s not what we’re even about. When we go to Planned Parenthood, we’re there to pray. Granted some of our members do bring signs….”
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After a few statements he made at a dinner in December became public, Ohio State president Gordon Gee announced his retirement today. Gee had simply joked about “those damn Catholics” at Notre Dame and mocked SEC academics. Kind of makes you wonder what else he said that might be on someone’s video.
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After #GameofThornes #RedWedding presumably there will be less bitching from #DowntonAbbey fans that the show is too cruel to its characters.
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From Paul Seaburn   “Former Miss America Erika Harold announced she’ll run for Congress in Illinois in 2014 as a Republican. Her platform is expected to be shoes.”

The Happie$t Place on Earth?

June 3, 2013

The U.S. Govt says inflation from 2010 to 2013 has only been 6.6%. Today, Disneyland raised Anaheim regular single-day ticket prices to $92, up 28% from $72 in 2010. Their statement: “Like any business, we evaluate and adjust our pricing based on a variety of factors.” Sounds like Disney should be a honorary airline.

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Dwyane Wade thinks the Miami Heat’s problem against the Indiana Pacers come from the fact that he and Chris Bosh aren’t getting the ball enough. And even Dwight Howard is thinking “Dude, quit whining and play.”

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Kim Kardashian revealed the sex of the baby she said she won’t raise on reality televison tonight. It’s a girl, and Kim announced it on “Keeping up With the Kardashians.

 

 

Thunderstorms cut short ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball tonight.   But think I speak for most of America in asking “Can’t we just have ALL nationally televised Red Sox-Yankees games only last 6 innings?

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Los Angeles scratched starting pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu today with a sore foot. After a week where both A.J. Ellis and Matt Kemp were injured. At this point would it be faster to name the Dodgers who AREN’T on the DL?

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Okay, who predicted the SF Giants’ best starting performances in a week would come from Barry #Zito and Chad #Gaudin? #Liarliar

 

Looks like the Indiana Pacers’   Roy Hibbert will be fined for his gay slur and for calling the media “mf-ers” last night. Not sure how much,  but wonder if Sarah Palin has already volunteered to pay the fine for the media part.

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Darrell Issa , having moved on temporarily from Benghazi to the IRS, referred to White House spokesman Jay Carney today as “their paid liar.” Leaving aside Issa’s own rather checkered past, how did I miss all his outrage back in the days of WMDs?

(a long but interesting read on Issa in the New Yorker, for those who care.   http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/01/24/110124fa_fact_lizza?currentPage=all)

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Fox Sports apologized before today’s NASCAR race for the broken television cable that interrupted last week’s Coca-Cola 600 and injured 10 fans. Wonder if Fox waited a week to apologize because they were trying to figure how to blame it on Obama?

 

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A College Republican report on how the GOP lost young voters apparently includes a line about “Perception of the party’s economic stance”: “We’ve become the party that will pat you on your back when you make it, but won’t offer you a hand to help you get there.” Uh, yeah, pretty much.

Changing the Pace?

June 2, 2013

If the #Pacers win game 7 Monday night against the #Heat, the biggest #flopping in the NBA finals may be their TV ratings.

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In a post game news conference Saturday night, the Pacers’ Roy Hibbert used a gay slur in one answer. And added the kind of curse that will get you tossed from most sporting events to refer to the media.    So is he part of a conspiracy already…to try to make the Heat the more likeable team?

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#SFGiants thought it was bad when last night’s game was rained out. Turns out it was worse when today’s doubleheader wasn’t…

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(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says, Hill is such a class act, hard to believe he was ever in the NBA.)

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Colts QB Andrew Luck said “It’s the 21st century” and he would have “absolutely no problem” with an openly gay teammate. (And hey, what Luck didn’t mention. None of those distractions like paternity suits.)

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R.I.P. Jean Stapleton. So in heaven tonight will Carroll O’Connor be greeting her with a big hug and “Stifle, Edith, Stifle!?

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock jumped after first quarter sales and profit exceeded expectations. Sounds like the new Colorado and Washington marijuana laws are already stimulating the economy.

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Nine people were killed in the most recent Oklahoma tornadoes, but two storm chasers are alive despite being temporarily trapped in the eye of the storm and hit by flying debris. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Stephen Strasburg left after 2 innings  Friday with an oblique injury. No doubt making Nationals fans even more thrilled that the team shut him down in a possible World Series year.

 

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Okay, am I the only one who sees “Tiger has worst nine holes ever” and thinks that it’s a waitress joke?

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Today marks the 60th anniversary of the coronation of England’s Queen. And yes, we’re talking Elizabeth, not the first Grammy won by Elton John.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg, after Keyshawn Johnson complained about Justin Bieber’s speeding: in their neighborhood:   “When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act.”

Fit to be tied?

May 24, 2013
So are the Indianapolis #Pacers the best NBA team no one has ever heard of?
 

 

Notre Dame’s football program is apparently paying ex-coach Charlie Weiss over $2 million this year, about twice as much as current coach Brian Kelly. But hey, it will work out, after Kelly signs an extension and then gets fired a few years later he’ll make more than the next coach.

 

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The NBA fined Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen $5,000 for violating the league’s anti-flopping rule. Or maybe let’s call it what it is – a bad acting award.

 

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Go figure, Nokia is now advertising their smartphone as having the best “low-light camera?” Guess we can bid farewell to the days when telephone companies market their devices’ ability to actually make and receive calls.

 

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Former “Bachelorette” Meredith Phillips says she used to be an alcoholic. As opposed to all the people who were just driven to drink too much to get through watching the show.

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Donald Rumsfeld said he would give the Obama administration an F, though he would gave the Bush administration a D-. Isn’t this like Mark Sanford or Anthony Weiner complaining about politicians who can’t be trusted?

 

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Apparently the company that owns the TGI Fridays accused of selling fake top shelf booze also owns a number of Wendy’s in New Jersey. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about what’s in their hamburgers.

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Bob Dylan is 72 today. Easier for him to grow old perhaps than many music stars. Many of them lose their voices with age. He never had one to lose.

 

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This Bay Bridge bolt mess in Northern California just turned into a Wizard of Oz moment: “Pay no attention to that bridge in Washington state….”

 

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Over a decade ago, Jerry Lewis said he was against idea of women comics, and this week he repeated it, saying “I cannot sit and watch a lady diminish her qualities to the lowest common denominator.” Responded most female comics “Jerry Lewis has qualities to be diminished?”

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Investigators from New Jersey’s division of Alcoholic Beverage Control say they caught 29 bars and restaurants selling the cheapest booze, rubbing alcohol and/or dirty water when customers ordered and paid for top-shelf drinks. 13 of the establishments were TGI Fridays. Makes you kind of wonder what they put in the food.

 

 

Power (ball) failure?

May 18, 2013

Apparently if we really want to get voter turnout up in the US, all we need to do is offer voters a free #Powerball ticket.

 

But there was a Powerball winner tonight,  as the odds indicated this time because  most combinations were picked. And if most Americans understood the math of why that is unusual, they wouldn’t be playing in the first place.

 

(although as Michael Schilby points out..  A ticket is “cheaper than going to a Cubs game, and, if you’re a Cubs fan, more rewarding.”

 

One positive thing about Powerball, at least it’s made sure most Americans have learned to count to 59.

 

Was only six numbers off tonight’s #Powerball jackpot, and I didn’t even play.

 

So with about a month to go in the NBA finals, we’ve got teams from the major media markets left of San Antonio, Indianapolis, Memphis and Miami. The winner? Might be Major League Baseball.

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#Oxbow won the #Preakness. Meaning the Belmont Stakes will now be about as much of a TV ratings success as the rest of #NBC’s lineup.

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Not saying Oxbow’s jockey Gary Stevens is old, but rumor has it he had to rush to the track for the 6:18pm post time after finishing his Early Bird special dinner.

 

(Alex Kaseberg adds, that Stevens is so old,  “he left Oxbow’s right turn signal on the whole race.”)

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Wow, never thought I’d type this: If the 2013 SF Giants could pitch and catch, they’d be dangerous.

 

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In 2013, Notre Dame can qualify for a BCS bowl if they win 9 games and finish in the top 14 of the final BCS poll. But due to current contracts, if they win, say, 6-7 games the Fighting Irish, while bowl-eligible, might have to stay home. Oh the horror.

 

No one was injured when a US Airways Express flight had landing gear problems and ended up making a belly landing at Newark Airport airport last night. But standby for a “wheel maintenance fee.”

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So will the main accomplishment of the Houston Astros moving leagues be keeping the LA Angels out of last place in the AL West?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if Americans and the media got as up in arms about coming up with a fair and reasonable tax system as they did over whether some political groups were too closely scrutinized over what would be at best a questionable tax-exempt status?

Youth and skill…

May 16, 2013

Are sometimes overrated.  Signed the old and treacherous San Antonio Spurs.  (But nice try, Warriors.)

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Who’s rooting hardest for the New York Knicks to stay in the NBA playoffs? Might be the Mets and Jets. As long as the Knicks are alive it keeps their problems off the front page.

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Former Oakland Raider 1st round draft pick Rolando McClain, 23, just retired after signing with the Ravens. But McClain, who’s been arrested 3 times in 2 years, says he’s only leaving football to get his personal life in order and “God willing,”might play in the NFL again. Right, because nothing helps you get things together than having millions of dollars and nothing to do.

 

(An interesting aside, Ryan Duca points out that dating back 10 years, the Raiders have zero 1st or 2nd round picks that they made still on the roster.)

 

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The White House would really like to get these negative stories off the front page. Wonder how much they’ve offered to have Carnival Cruise Lines strand another ship somewhere?

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A bipartisan House committee says say have an agreement “in principle,” on immigration reform. What?! How did they find the time with all these more important questions to deal with like Benghazi and the IRS tea party targeting? .

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Another thought about the IRS and targeting potential conservative tax-exempt organizations. Yes, again, stupid. But if the agency had that much political power wouldn’t they have taken away the exemption for Karl Rove’s “Crossroads GPS?”

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Hillary Clinton has been announced as a speaker for the ASTA travel agent convention this September. And no doubt Bill has told her “Honey, you need to travel and see as many vacation destinations as possible beforehand.”

 

The latest player caught in baseball’s testing program is a Marlins minor league pitcher who has been suspended 50 games. If you have to cheat and you can’t even make the Miami Marlins roster, maybe it’s time to find a new career choice.

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WTF? Dick Cheney on Benghazi: “In my past experience when we got into these situations — especially after 9/11 — we were always there, locked and loaded, ready to go on 9/11.” So after Benghazi who does Cheney think Obama should have invaded?

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Florida is trying to get rid of gambling machines, which some think means they should shut down games inside Chuck E. Cheese. Although patrons would still be gambling that they could find anything edible.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban said that former assistant coach Tim Davis’s calling him “the devil himself” was “terribly disappointing.” I believe Saban prefers the term “God.”

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MLB is thinking of expanding video review in 2014 and possibly making all calls other than balls or strikes subject to instant replay. Stand by for Yankees-Red Sox games going from four to five hours.

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David Beckman has announced his retirement.  Once again Brett Favre responded: “the first time is the hardest.”

 

American Airlines is trying something smart. Allowing passengers whose only carry-on item fits under the seat to board early, in hopes of avoiding the slowdown when folks try to get their suitcases overhead. Now the fun, watching passengers insist their large bags fit under the seat…..

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Now, on the other side of smart,  American managed to lose a box containing a gold worth $625,000 at Miami International Airport.  The airline believes it was stolen after it was unloaded onto the tarmac.

And here you thought it was just your cheap luggage they couldn’t keep track of….

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From Bill Littlejohn:  San Francisco pitcher Jeremy Affedlt discovered a clerical error from earlier in his contract and, as a result, returned $500,000.00 back to the Giants.A similar situation with Alex Rodriguez might involve the return of the Louisiana Purchase.

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Venezuela, which has been dealing with all kinds of consumer goods and food shortages, now has a shortage of toilet paper. Insert “deep doo-doo” joke here:

Mother’s Day and all that jazz.

May 12, 2013

Rough night for $NBA players. – #MothersDay Eve: so many potential baby mamas, so little time.

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Another Mother’s Day thought.  Anyone who thinks that they should have figured out a way to watch SNL with Mom Saturday night will soon be  off the hook.   Because Moms who are old enough to remember when SNL was consistently funny are getting too old to stay up that late.

 

Some think the Washington Nationals sacrificed a chance to win the World Series by shutting Stephen Strasburg down last year, but Nats management insisted they were thinking of the future. So far in 2013, Strasburg is 1-5, and just got shelled by the Cubs…. Carpe something.

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O.J. Simpson is trying to get out of jail by claiming he had such bad representation that his robbery conviction should be reversed and a new trial ordered. In other words “If my lawyers were sh*t, you must acquit.”

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The House just passed a bill that eliminates overtime pay for anyone working over 40 hours a week. While they’re at it, how about a bill to make Congress actually work 40 hours in a week?

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Regarding the story that the IRS was carefully scrutinizing groups with “tea party” and “patriot ” in their titles who were trying to get tax-exempt status: why are ANY political groups able to get tax-exempt status?

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Unclear on the concept: So apparently Lindsay Lohan wants out of the Betty Ford Center because they took away her Adderall.

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Another home run on a “pitcher’s pitch” today.  If there’s a book on how to pitch to Pablo Sandoval, presumably it’s in the fantasy section.

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Many Whole Foods customers in the Northeast were appalled to learn that the vegan chicken salad they had purchased actually contained real chicken. It’s the biggest shock most of them had had at Whole Foods since they got their last total bill at the register.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but the other day he was heard singing “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base, at the old ball game.”

A really not so big show?

May 11, 2013

NBA playoffs on TNT. You know we’re talking major media outlet when the commercials are for CaliforniaPsychics.com “$1 a minute but the first question is free.

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This post is a joint effort with my friend Alex Kaseberg: Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing badly. But the team has started referring to Dodger Stadium as “the Friendly Confines.”

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In yesterday’s Astros-Angels game, the umpires mistakenly allowed Houston to make a second pitching change before the original reliever threw a pitch. (This is illegal starting in Little League.) So after the missed home run call Wednesday, we’ve now had blind, and dumb. Waiting to see what they’ll do for deaf.

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another. New Rutgers men’s basketball coach Eddie Jordan said he was a 1977 graduate from the university. But apparently while Jordan attended Rutgers, he never received a degree. So maybe this makes Eddie a perfect fit for today’s players.-
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1 in 8 Americans over the age of 60 says their memory is getting worse, which could be a sign of a Alzheimer’s problem. On the other hand as most parents who remind teenagers of various things will confirm ….memory loss begins at puberty.
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“Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham says that despite selling her sex tape for $1 million, she’s “not that sexually active.” Glad she cleared that up. Her parents must be so proud.
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Suri Cruise, 7, has apparently signed (?!) a contract to launch a fashion line for young girls. The first “Suri” collection will be available this fall in New York. Well, at least Suri’s older than the kids who will be making the clothes.
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An American Heart Association study found that owning a pet and found that owning a pet is “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. This may be because of the companionship, or in the case of cats, because they teach people how to relax and not give a sh*t.
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Roy Halladay today apologized to Philly fans for his performance before going on the DL, “….and my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don’t get to see what they want to see.” Down in Los Angeles, Angels and Dodgers fans are waiting for apologies from their whole teams.
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MLB has suspended umpire Fieldin Culbreth for two games. Culbreth is the crew chief who didn’t know on Thursday that a relief pitcher has to face one batter before being replaced. Presumably two days off is enough time to read the rule book?
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 On the players’ side, Cincinnati Reds minor league pitcher Daniel Tuttle has been suspended for 100 games for a THIRD violation baseball’s drug program. Getting caught three times?! At this point that’s being suspended for stupidity as much as drugs.
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One of the “fastest rising” baby names for boys in the U.S. is “Messiah.” If the trend continues, how many Jewish moms will name their son “Doctor?”
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Hooters is giving free meals to moms on Mother’s Day. Only thing worse than taking your mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day?   Going to Hooters on Mother’s Day and seeing mom at work.

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