Posted tagged ‘NBA jokes’

50 Shades of Red-faced?

February 9, 2015

As we approach the premiere of “Fifty Shades of Gray,” expect all sorts of potentially embarrassing moments at the theater. For #1 may I suggest, bringing a date and running into your parents.

Michelle Obama says that the former White House chef banned boxed macaroni and cheese and told them “cheese dust is not food.” Stand by for a rebuttal from John Boehner and the orange lobby.

 

Open note to any young person thinking of a career in television news. Maybe us grownups might have been able to get away with a tall tale or two. But these days it doesn’t matter how trivial the lie, even if it’s not bothering to wash your hands in a public restroom.. Someone will have seen it, and they probably have cellphone video.

At the University of Texas, a frat house is facing criticism for an alleged “border patrol” party last weekend near campus. Really? They couldn’t have just done something classier like “Pimps and prostitutes?”

Alabama today became the 37th state to allow same-sex marriage. In some ways am amazed more conservatives aren’t applauded. Not only is it less government intrusion into private lives, same-sex couples mean less dealing with that abortion issue.

Three major snowstorms in Boston in three weeks. Is this the moment where a house-hunting Pablo Sandoval looks at his agent and says “Uh, why didn’t you tell me about this?” ‪#‎70inSFthisweek‬

So a guy pays a prostitute $70, then falls asleep afterwards and she steals his gun from the hotel room. Florida? Nope, Reno, Nevada. And the man in question is a policeman. Who has now been suspended. Sometimes its not just crooks who are stupid.

Brett Favre posted today on his website: “I’m pleased to announce that I will be returning to Green Bay, Wisconsin in 2015 for induction into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and retirement of my jersey.” How much do we want the Packers to issue their own statement “Uh, Brett, we’re thinking we might want to hold the ceremony in 2016, or 2017. Can you hold on while we decide?”

Yahoo mail has been running an ad lately. “Girlfriend needed. No games, Just real guys looking for a faithful women (sic.)” Gotcha, so nothing about the guy being faithful. And clearly a woman who isn’t too picky about grammar.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said today that Knicks owner Jamesm Dolan won’t be fined for an angry email in response to a fan, saying “Jim is a consummate New Yorker. Jim got an unkind email and responded with an unkind email.” So this mean Silver can still fine owners from places like Charlotte and New Orleans because Southerners are supposed to be more gracious?

The Daily Mail is reporting that Charles Manson’s fiancée “only wanted to marry him so she could put his corpse on display in a glass coffin after he died.” Who knew it was possible Charlie might get a run for his money on being the creepiest one in a relationship?

 

Parenthood isn’t what it used to be. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:

“Me: Ann Caroline, come down here and listen to AC/DC on the GRAMMYs.
AC: Dad, I’m doing my homework.
Me: YOU STOP THAT HOMEWORK AND COME AND LISTEN TO “HIGHWAY TO HELL,” YOUNG LADY.

What has happened to my world?”

Wow, just wow. Not sure what I could possibly add to this. FOX’s Eric Bolling, upset about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech: “Reports say radical Muslim jihadists killed thousands of people in the past few months alone. And yet when you take Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, whatever, their combined killings in the name of religion––well, that would be zero.”

Testing, testing.

December 24, 2014

 

Turns out North Korean internet wasn’t really hacked. Kim Jong Un just tried to switch the whole country over to AOL.

 

 

Sony now says they will release “The Interview” in 300 theaters. Wonder how long it will take before North Korea demands a share of the profits.

 

Manti Te’o said the SF 49er’s Anthony Davis was giving him a hard time about his imaginary girlfriend last weekend’ He told a reporter that he expected it last year but “this year?” Find a new joke.'” Uh, this year apparently that joke is the 49ers.

Jamaica is going to introduce automatic kiosks for tourists entering the country, so they won’t have to talk to an immigration officer. Makes sense, who expects tourists to smuggle something INTO Jamaica.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say their daughter Shiloh now wants to be called “John.”  What’s odder, that she wants a boy’s name.  Or that a celebrity child actually wants a NORMAL name.

 

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Weird for current NBA fans to see the Golden State Warriors to fall to the Lakers.  Even weirder, for longtime Warriors and Lakers fan that this year  it might have been considered a “trap game.”

Lots of NBA games on Christmas day, and the league expects good ratings. Not that any NBA games really matter in December, but hey, any excuse for many people to stop talking to their relatives.

 

Why there is no satire. U.S. Rep. Michael Grimm pleaded guilty to federal tax evasion. Grimm serves on the House Committee on Financial Services…..

Hawaii is expecting a White Christmas with an actual snow blizzard on Mauna Kea. Okay, this one we can definitely blame on Obama.

 

 

Much sympathy for the family of ‪#‎AntonioMartin‬. But these days it doesn’t matter what color you are, it is a REALLY REALLY bad idea to raise a gun to a police officer.

Do the math,

November 14, 2014

Why there is no satire, NBA division. Kobe Bryant on the Spurs. “I don’t know if I can express to you how jealous I am of the fact that Tim, Tony Manu and Pop have been together for all those years”. Bryant’s salary for 2014 – $23 million. Duncan $10 million, Parker $12 million.

‪#‎iwoulddoanythingforlovebutiwontdothat‬

Prince WIlliam and Kate are coming to the U.S. for a three day visit December. Some Americans don’t see all the fuss over a couple people who just happen to be part of a Royal family. Wonder if the dignitaries meeting their Highnesses will include Bill and Hillary Clinton, and both former President Bushes?

The Department of Energy loan guarantee program, famous for the Solyndra default, has actually started turning a PROFIT on its $34.2 billion in loans, as some companies are becoming successful and paying money back. So where’s all the GOP blame for Obama?

The 0-8 Philadelphia 76ers,, who just lost by 53 to the Dallas Maverickst, are making a strong bid to become the worst NBA team ever. Sadly, even if they run the table, this team probably couldn’t even win the draft lottery.

 

Dick Vitale, 75, said “My goal is to be the first broadcaster in the history of broadcasting to work at a game when I’m 100 years old.” And somewhere Vin Scully just giggled.

The NBA has released pictures of this year’s Christmas uniforms, which will feature team logos on the front, first names of players on the back, and will be sold by Adidas for $110. Except presumably for the Lakers jerseys, which will cost twice as much and break down after a few wearings.

 

 

The NFL fined NY Jets coach Rex Ryan $100,000 for profanity after his team beat the Steelers. Well, if winning generates that kind of outburst at least Rex won’t be out of pocket too much the rest of this season.

There’s going to be a musical based on the reality show “Duck Dynasty.” “The Duck Commander Family Musical” will open in Las Vegas next February. Just the thing for those straight male rednecks who have been waiting for THEIR Broadway show. Both of them.

And have to wonder, will the Robertson’s put a “morality” clause on sexual orientation for actors…?  If so, hope they’re planning on a one or two man show.

 

 

Former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne has passed away. She leaves quite a legacy – the first woman mayor of the city, and one of the few Illinois leaders never to have been arrested.

Starting to get emails and banner ads about “The 117th Big Game between Stanford and Cal” on November 22.” Of course, the time isn’t set yet. Because nothing says how important a rivalry game is like a “TBA” on the schedule for television. Sigh.

An Alabama high school teacher has been arrested and charged with three sexual incidents with students in six months. Think she took being a physically education teacher a bit too seriously?

 

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “Chicago Bear receiver, Brandon Marshall, upset by a remark made about his mother, challenged one of his twitter followers $25,000 to fight him. Bears QB Jay Cutler threw out the same challenge, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.”

Down to the wire

October 28, 2014

This just in.   ESPN experts predict winner of Wednesday’s SF Giants  KC Royals game will win the World Series.

SF Giants game 7 strategy?  Wear out KC Royals bats in game 6?

 

So ESPN wanted Derek Jeter to matter in the postseason. And who knows, the SF Giants, baseball’s most consistent unkillable cockroaches, may well win tomorrow. But home field advantage for this World Series was probably decided by Wainwright deciding to groove that farewell All-Star pitch….

Only fun San Francisco fans are having tonight with ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ so far is thinking how dismal the ratings must be for ‪#‎FOX‬ at this point in Game 6. .‪#‎SFGiants‬

Saddest story of this MLB postseason is of course Oscar Tavares. But his death apparently inspired two friends, Juan Perez and Yordano Ventura, to have the games of their lives. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

Bus to hell time. TMZ is reporting that Jose Canseco blew his middle finger off his right hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas. Well, not like he used it for fielding or anything.

Taking time out from the World Series, send good wishes to Gordie Howe. Mr. Hockey, who at 86 is apparently recovering from a “serious stroke.” He was a dominant player in his sport longer than almost anyone. Yes, including Derek Jeter.-

First NCAA playoff rankings out. 3 ‪#‎SEC‬ teams out of 4. Shocking to many. They expected 4 #SEC teams. ‪#‎Collegefootballplayoff‬

If NY & NJ really want to beat ‪#‎Ebola‬, forget quarantine. Have folks returning from Africa join  the #‎NYJets‬. None of them can catch anything.

Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a croissant-donut. But the chain maintains it is NOT a “Cronut.” Why? Because their lawyers said so.

Sarah Palin “Those haters out there, they don’t understand that it invigorates me…. the more they’re pouring on the more I’m going to bug the crap out of them by being out there with a voice, with the message, hopefully running for office in the future, too.”  Palin “haters” and comedy writers alike heard the last part and are thinking, “Promise?”

At a Southern Baptist conference titled “The Gospel, Homosexuality and the Future of Marriage,” some speakers talked about being the voice of a moral minority because gay marriage is a “rejection of God’s law.” Wonder why some of these folks don’t also have conferences against heterosexual adultery and divorce?

 

The ‪#‎NBA‬ season started Tuesday night. The Philadelphia ‪#‎76ers‬ will be eliminated from playoff contention tomorrow.

Michael Jordan, majority owner of the Charlotte Hornets, says he is “dreaming” of a seventh NBA ring. Yep, “dreaming” is absolutely the correct word.

 

Dwight Howard said today “I didn’t leave L.A. because I was afraid of Kobe Bryant.” More like Dwight was afraid of not making the playoffs.

 

 

Meanwhile, Lakers rookie Julius Randle, the team’s #1 pick, broke his right tibia during an opening night loss. Meaning alas Randle will likely be as helpful to this year’s team as Steve Nash.

RG III might be ready to go back in as Washington’s quarterback for their next game as the team has a bye week coming up. And fans are now thinking, take a little more time to heal your ankle. A year or two to be safe.

Dolly Parton, on her support of gay rights: “But as far as the Christians, if people want to pass judgment, they’re already sinning. The sin of judging is just as bad as any other sin they might say somebody else is committing. I try to love everybody.” As Dolly has also said, “I know I’m not dumb, and I know I’m not blonde.”

All they do is win

October 17, 2014

goingtokc

 

SF Giants chicks are back to digging the long ball.

 

Congrats to Travis Ishikawa. Most Americans had no clue who he was yesterday, and now he’s trending on Twitter.

 

No Cain, no Pagan, no Scutaro. Effectively no Lincecum. And no Belt or Morse for much of the year. ‪#‎cockroaches‬ ‪#‎sfgiants‬. ‪#‎worldseries‬

 

Somewhere Bob Brenly is smiling. ‪#‎redemption‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

But the lead column on Fox Sports tonight.  “If you think Matheny deserves to be ripped, you’re right.”  Because of course Joe Buck’s network couldn’t say the SF Giants actually might have deserved to win this one.

Back in June heard SFGiants GM Brian Sabean say how Joe Panik wasn’t ready for the big leagues yet.   Hard to imagine how good the kid might be when he IS ready.

 

A new study finds that four areas of the San Andreas Fault in Northern California are now “overdue” for a significant quake. So why should Ebola have all the fear fun?

 

Apparently Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to start his debate against Charlie Crist when Crist had a fan under the podium, because of a ban against electronic devices. ( Which was intended to keep them from using computers-laptops-phones….)

 

Got it. So Scott would have been okay with Crist waving a big paper fan while he talked?

 

How amazing was the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ win tonight to get to the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬? They knocked the ‪#‎NYJets‬ latest loss right off ‪#‎ESPN‬ front page.

Ann Romney said today she is still “done” with the idea of Mitt running again, but added “you know, you never do say never.” “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.

A judge found Donald Trump “personally liable” for knowingly operating his former Trump University without a license. So the Donald is in trouble because HE didn’t have a valid certificate.

Seems like many of the same people whose retirement plan is to win the lottery are also convinced they’re going to get Ebola.

Both LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzski are saying the NBA season should be shortened from 82 games. Good thing they are stars, otherwise the two might be fined for making too much sense.

 

 

From T.C. “The NBA is considering shortening their games from 48 to 44 minutes. I’d go with 46, as it’s the last two minutes that take forever.”

Jolly good show.

July 6, 2014

That Djokovic Federer #Wimbledon2014 final lasted longer than many celebrity marriages.

Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic both spoke during the awards ceremony after Wimbledon final. Nothing but class. Maybe they should record the ceremony and commentary as a training video for athletes in some other sports.

And Wimbledon always brings to mind some of my favorite bathroom graffiti, seen years ago in London, on the side of the stall  – “Wimbledon spectator practice, see other wall.”  And of course on the other side-.  “Wimbledon spectator practice, see other wall.”

 

Boris Diaw announced via Twitter that he is returning to the Spurs. After no rumors or public discussions with other teams. Once again, San Antonio falls down in the drama department.

In two separate July 4 incidents in Northern California,  three people had part or all of their hands blown off while handling personal fireworks. Isn’t it redundant for the media to report all three people were men?

 

Oops. the Houston Astros single-A affliliate Lancaster JetHawks had fireworks night Saturday, and ended up lighting the outfield wall on fire. (This after another fireworks accident in 2013.) Guess it’s not just their players who aren’t quite ready for the big leagues.

Nelson Cruz was voted to start the All-Star Game a year after his 50-game PED suspension. If Cruz wins the game’s MVP award will Bud Selig smile and shake his hand by invoking the ABB “Anyone But Bonds” clause?.

Buck Showalter, responding to Red Sox pitcher John Lackey’s insinuations about Nelson Cruz and PED’s, said that Lackey should be “careful” and look at his own team. Wonder which “Big” hitter the Orioles manager was referring to?

Most amazing thing about the Brandon McCarthy to the Yankees trade? The Diamondbacks will still pay most of McCarthy’s 2014 salary. #Richgetricher

 

From T.C.. “Most of the Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’d be back for the 2016 Summer Olympics.  Of course then they’ll be competing in men’s diving.”

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Water world.

July 3, 2014

A Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne had to turn back when a pipe burst, sending a river of water rushing through the plane. On United they would have just kept going and charged a swimming pool fee.

 

Qantas may be changing their pre-flight briefing.  “In case of rushing water in the aisle, passengers wishing to use the restroom may use their seat cushion as a flotation device.”

Silver lining about all these religious universities whose beliefs are so pure they don’t want the government involved in their health insurance – it will save taxpayer money because they won’t want tainted government funds for their research grants and student loans, right? #wecandream

Apparently the #WorldCup television ratings have been higher than those of the NBA finals. #Betterflopping?

 

All these NBA players working so hard to see if they can end up on teams together… If they spent as much effort actually working on playing as a team together maybe some of these prima donnas would have a better chance for a ring.

 

SportsCenter Breaking News “Lebron James agent meets with multiple teams.” “Lakers and Knicks offer max to Carmelo.” This isn’t an NBA off-season, it’s a bad mini-series of “The Dating Game.”

#SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy says he will drop Blanco – 10 for 59 since Pagan got hurt- down in the batting order “until he gets his swing.” Uh, except what if 10 for 59 IS his swing?

 

Overheard around U.S water coolers today. “Hey, do you know when the next World Cup games are?” “No, me neither.”

Hillary Clinton said in a BBC interview that she’s “grateful” she forgave Bill over Monica Lewinsky. “Forgiveness is a choice, and I fully respect those who don’t make that choice for whatever reason in their personal or professional lives .But for me, it was absolutely the right choice.” So where’s the applause from “family values” conservatives?

Stay classy Mississippi. GOP State Sen. Chris McDaniel is offering a $1,000 ‘reward’ for evidence of voter fraud by Senator Thad Cochran, who beat him in the Republican Primary. In this case the “Big Tent” is more like a cover over a boxing ring.

The economy added 288,000 jobs in June and the unemployment rate fell to 6.1% – the lowest it’s been since September 2008. Time for the GOP to call another hearing on Benghazi.

From an anonymous friend “Next up: SCOTUS declares the Universal Suffrage Amendment unconstitutional because “it wasn’t in the original Constitution, so the Founding Fathers didn’t want it”. Cave paintings at 11″

From Bill Littlejohn  “Food and drink will be delivered to 49er fans at the new Levi’s Stadium via GPS tracking.  Maybe they might reconsider Apple Maps, however, as a couple of construction workers there, however, report that recently their lunches were sent into San Francisco Bay”

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