Posted tagged ‘Mets jokes’

Shades of what?

July 29, 2014

Rand Paul, at the Urban League in Cincinnati, claimed solidarity with minorities because you can be unjustly accused “because of the color of your skin, or the shade of your ideology.” Can we title this speech “Fifty Shades of Stupid”?

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Tweet from Drew Brees “On Friday I said I thought I could play til age 45. I have been “randomly” selected for drug tests the last 2 days. What’s up with that! Lol.” Wonder if the NFL was testing him for PED’s or hallucinogens?

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NFL VP of Policy Adolpho Birch defending Ray Rice’s two game suspension. “So in terms of sending a message about what the league stands for, we’ve done that.” Yep. They have. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

 

Cowboys GM Jerry Jones says now that he almost drafted Johnny Manziel. But maybe he decided that there wasn’t room at A T & T Stadium for both their egos?

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New NY Giants QB coach Danny Langsdorf thinks Eli Manning could complete 70 percent of his passes in 2014. In related news, the NY Mets are printing playoff tickets.

 

A judge ruled today that Shelly Sterling can go ahead with the sale of the Clippers. Which means the nightmare is over. And if you believe that, the Brooklyn Bridge is on a Macy’s One Day Sale tomorrow.

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Stephen A Smith made yet another apology for his domestic violence comments last week. Better, although taped but not live. Here’s a suggestion for the ESPN commentator in future. Want not to “provoke?” Stick to sports and otherwise STFU.

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Near Tampa, a pregnant woman was shot in the head and died, along with the baby she was carrying. Apparently it was an accident when a friend was showing her and her husband his gun collection. If only the fetus had been armed.

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Dollar Tree is buying their competitor Family Dollar Stores. Assume that means they will immediately raise all prices to two dollars.

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Seven members of U.S. Congress are trying to broker a deal between Time Warner Cable and other cable channels so that 70% of the LA market that is currently blacked out can see Dodger games. Where’s the outrage from anti-government Southern California conservatives?

 

An auction house expects an autographed 2012 game-used Texas A & M jersey from Johnny Manziel will go for at least $100,000. And a good thing too. Now that A & M is in the SEC they need the money to pay future players.

Not such sweet dreams.

July 7, 2014

A Yankees fan who was seen sleeping during a Red Sox-Yankees Sunday night game has now filed a $10 million defamation suit again ESPN and its announcers, largely due to some of the comments posted online after his picture went viral. $10 million! That’s almost enough to buy season tickets for a whole year at Yankee Stadium.

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Andrew Rector, the “Sleeping Yankees fan”, says the reason for his $10 million lawsuit is that John Kruk and Dan Shulman unleashed an “avalanche of disparaging words.” But okay, so the guy was briefly the butt of some internet jokes amongst some sports fans (personally, I missed it), until they moved on to the next thing. Now millions of Americans not only know Rector fell asleep at a game, they will think he’s an a**hole.
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At Target Field in Minneapolis, they’ve installed self-serve beer stands. What could possibly go wrong?
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So who needs a show titled “The Decision.” This time Lebron’s choice of teams appears to be a months long ESPN miniseries.

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In Fort Wayne, Indiana, a bird was killed when it was hit by a pitch thrown by Detroit Tigers’ minor league prospect Jon Maciel. Wonder if the poor bird had a mistaken sense of invincibility from surviving an earlier HBP from Barry Zito?
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Some teaser trailers have been released for “Gone Girl,” the new Ben Affleck thriller that will debut October 3. Of course, for anyone who really can’t wait to know what happens there’s always… reading the book.

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Two Mets prospects from Venezuela without U.S. drivers’ licenses were arrested for racing and driving over 100 mph on July 4 in Kingsport, TN. The young men were charged this morning with drag racing, presumably since Tennessee doesn’t have a statute on criminal stupidity?

( Presumably if they could THROW as well as drive over 100 MPH, they would have gotten better signing offers than the Mets.)
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Apparently a new danger at the Tour de France is people with their back to the riders, taking selfies while the race goes by. Said one rider “Everyone is out there having fun and a lot of people don’t realize we’re coming past at 37 mph and we use every inch of the roads.” Darwin would be so proud.
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#SFGiants All-Star Madison Bumgarner, with two home runs, says he has reached out to captain Troy Tulowitzki about joining the NL HR Derby team. Well, Madbum only has one home run less than both Hector Sanchez and Gregor Blanco.

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A ticket vendor who has won FIFA ticket contracts for 20 years was arrested in a World Cup scalping investigation. A remember of the FIFA team might be corrupt? Next someone will try to tell us there is gambling in Casablana.

125 degrees of separation?

May 16, 2014

FIFA’s president says the Qatar World Cup was a mistake. What was his first clue?

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Tara the cat, the internet sensation who saved a little boy from a dog attack, will now throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Bakersfield Blaze minor league baseball game. Hey, don’t laugh. The cat probably has a better chance of throwing a decent pitch than the Mets bullpen.

 

A NY Mets employee trying to get “Lion King” tickets for Sandy Alderson’s family accidentally sent the GM’s credit card info in a group email to the NY media today. And as far as embarrassment, this episode will still probably be topped this month by something the Mets do on the field.

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Former Nixon White House aide, Jeb Magruder, 78, who served timed in prison for Watergate, has died. Before sentencing, Magruder had told the judge he had lost his “ethical compass.” And many of the post-Watergate generations reading that now are thinking -”people in politics HAVE ‘ethical compasses’?”

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Barbara Walters said goodbye to “The View.” Friday morning. And most men responded “Barbara Walters was still on TV?”

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A lawyer for supermodel Tyler Beckford’s nephew, who allegedly killed a bus driver after stealing a car and speeding through New York City, said murder charges should be dismissed because the 23 year old was too drunk to know what he was doing. What, the defendant couldn’t afford an “affluenza” defense?

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Lots of excitement over the hiring of new Golden State Warriors coach Steve Kerr. Wonder how long it will be before it’s all his fault.

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Video footage has been released of Heisman winner Jameis Winston allegedly shoplifting crab legs. Maybe the footage can serve as an audition for an endorsement contract with Red Lobster?

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Thursday, May 15, was “National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day.” Which means Friday, May 16 was “The Bleeping Scale Must Be Broken Day.”

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Julio Franco, 55, has signed a contract to be the player-coach for the Fort Worth Cats of the United Baseball League. What’s next for the Cats, trying to sign that nice young man, Jamie Moyer?

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From Marc Ragovin ” 55-year old Julio Franco has signed with the Fort Worth Cats of the Independent League. At his age it should be the Independent Living League.”

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The RNC is selling “I’ll be damned, I’m a Republican” t-shirts. And somewhere Jesus is thinking about his message of tolerance, peace and helping the poor, and thinking “You may be right.”

 

Mixed reviews on the new Godzilla movie, many centering on weaknesses in the plot. And most monster movie fans are thinking “Plot?”

New York dreaming?

April 1, 2014

Apparently Mets GM Sandy Alderson said he thought the team could win 90 games. Wonder if the reporter asked Alderson how many seasons he thought it would take?

 

Brian Wilson now the second Dodgers pitcher to the DL this season. Maybe LA players are buckling under the strain of carrying all that money?

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Ryan Braun got a standing ovation at Miller Park in Milwaukee for his first game back from last year’s suspension. Would Brewers fans now also like to take back every “Ster-oids” chant they threw at Barry Bonds.

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Now we know the season has really started. Jose Reyes is back on the DL. #OpeningDay #MLB

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The black box on MH370 will only ping for about 5 more days. The CNN coverage, however, may last years.

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Donald Trump said today he’s been contacted by a group who want to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, the Bills winning a Super Bowl is probably a better bet than Trump winning the Presidency.

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A NY high school senior was accepted at all 8 Ivy League schools. If he could throw a football I’ll bet a few SEC schools would have accepted him too.

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Tiger Woods has had back surgery and will miss the Masters. Can we expect hourly coverage during the tournament from ESPN about his recovery?

(My friend Steve says he can’t wait for the ESPN updates saying how far Woods is off the lead, even when he’s not playing.)

 

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As an April Fool’s joke, Virgin America announced that each seat would have a personal thermostat. United Airlines thought of a similar joke saying they were putting comfortable seats in the coach cabin, but figured no one would believe them

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The White House announced that Obamacare met the goal of 7 million signups. So FOX is no doubt scrapping their story on disappointing numbers in favor of one alleging faked numbers.

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GM CEO Mary Barra said she was “deeply sorry” over the botched recall that led to 13 deaths and numerous injuries. She said the company had been operating under a “cost culture” before the 2009 bankruptcy, but that they are now operating under a “customer culture.” Either that or a “we-got-caught culture.”

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DeSean Jackson apparently is close to signing with the Redskins. Maybe Washington just wants to make sure neither their name issue nor RGIII is the team’s biggest distraction next season.

 

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A Michigan woman, who was forbidden from drinking at all as part of her probation from a 2012 DUI conviction, was arrested when a local cop saw her Facebook post bragging about beating a Breathalyzer after drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Forget the probation violation, she deserved arrest for criminal stupidity

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Not exactly P.C. here but today’s unfortunate name and job match is for the new coach of the University of Arkansas’s women’s basketball team – Jimmy Dykes.

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And the bus to hell thought for the night from T.C.   “Don Baylor underwent surgery to repair his femur after his freaky injury while catching Vladimir Guerrero’s first pitch.  Might be last time the Angels in the locker room tell each other to “break a leg.”

Monday mourning.

September 16, 2013

If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.

But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”

(A friend said this “punchline” is stale.  Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it.   )

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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?

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Okay, back to sports etc….

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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?

The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.

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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.

Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?

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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.

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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.

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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.

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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.

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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.

 

Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.

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From Jim Barach:  Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”

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And finally a  little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.

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Moving on.

July 18, 2013

Rick Perry has announced he will not run again for Governor of Texas. He may be running again for President. But wouldn’t a better option be Governor of Florida. Then Perry could threaten to secede and most Americans would say “Promise?”

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Top Three reactions on the Rolling Stone Boston bomber cover. 1. It’s outrageous. 2. It’s not a big deal. 3. Rolling Stone is still in business?

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The city of Detroit has declared bankruptcy. Wouldn’t it be better to declare war on the rest of the United States, lose, and apply for aid?

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The stock market closed at a record high today. Which means it’s time for the GOP to start talking about President Obama’s birth certificate again.

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Virginia’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, is trying to reinstate the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law. This law makes consensual oral or anal sex acts felonies, even for married heterosexual couples who commit the acts in the privacy of their own homes. (“Not tonight, dear, I don’t want to be arrested?”)

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A man was arrested outside the White House Tuesday morning with a loaded gun. And apparently told the police. “I was only going to fire a couple of shots.” Uh, George Zimmerman only fired one.

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Eliot ‪#‎Spitzer‬ told an interviewer he considered himself a feminist. Well, I guess he did support a woman-owned business and paid well…

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Jerry Seinfeld said he was upset during the All-Star game “when the Citi Field crowd was booing (players) that they see as rivals to their Mets team.” Of course, to be fair, it could have been an automatic reaction, as these days NY fans are just used to booing their own team.

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From T.C.  “Charles Foley, the inventor of Twister has passed on. He will be buried with his right foot touching the casket’s top left hand corner and his left hand touching the bottom right.”

 

Have to assume Kate is safely ensconced away from TV and media… But this baby is expected to be a major economic stimulus for the economy – tourist visits and locals buying “stuff.” And if you WANTED to create even more hype for a royal baby that will be King or Queen someday. one way to do it would be to let public assume a due date a week or two early….

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Lots of talk about banning PED users from baseball for life to make the game completely clean. But isn’t that like expecting the death penalty to completely stop murders? ‪#‎Nooneexpectstobecaught‬

Beat the heat?

July 5, 2013

New York City now has a new “Minus5 Ice Bar,” at the Hilton, where the temperature is kept at 23 degrees Fahrenheit. And walls, tables and even the drinking glasses are made of ice. Finally, something in town this summer colder than the Mets.

 

A 7-year-old Virginia boy has died a day after being shot while waiting for a Fourth of July fireworks show. Police believe someone had been firing randomly in the air and a stray bullet struck the boy in the head. If only that poor child had been armed….

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Are the ‎#SFGiants trying to make sure their 2013 season documentary is titled “50 Shades of Orange?”

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The LA Dodgers worried about bringing up Yasiel Puig in part because they didn’t think he was acclimated enough to U.S. culture. Wonder if the SF Giants as a goodwill gesture offered to have Pablo Sandoval introduce Puig to American fast food?

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For gamblers, here’s an interesting question. What will be a higher number? NFL players arrested this year? Or countries who Edward Snowden will ask for asylum?

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Venezuela has offered asylum to Edward ‎#Snowden. Perhaps not exactly the retirement paradise he was thinking of?

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Oliver Stone called Edward Snowden “a hero.” Translation, he wants first option on the movie rights.

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Brad Stevens said he was “absolutely humbled” by the opportunity to coach the Boston Celtics. If he’s humbled now, wait until he spends a season with NBA prima donnas.

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Jerzy Janowicz, Andy Murray’s opponent in Friday’s Wimbledon semi-final, is from Lodz, Poland. Lodz is pronounced “”woodge” (Seriously.) And we think English is hard.

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Wimbledon men’s semi-final match between Djokovic and del Potro was about 4 hour and 45 minutes long. What did they think this was, a Red Sox-Yankees game?

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Dwight Howard to the Rockets. How long until they figure out “Houston, we have a problem?”
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A seven-car accident near Atlanta very early this morning resulted in five or six of the drivers being charged with DUI’s. A pedestrian who police believe started the chain of wrecks by walking onto Interstate-75 was also charged. Explain to me again why we shouldn’t have let the South secede?.

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Haven’t seen this movie, and am unlikely to do so.  But  great line from my friend Gary Bachman:. “The “Lone Ranger” is so bad that there is an announcement before the movie to please turn ON your cellphones.”


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