Posted tagged ‘Mets jokes’

New York dreaming?

April 1, 2014

Apparently Mets GM Sandy Alderson said he thought the team could win 90 games. Wonder if the reporter asked Alderson how many seasons he thought it would take?

 

Brian Wilson now the second Dodgers pitcher to the DL this season. Maybe LA players are buckling under the strain of carrying all that money?

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Ryan Braun got a standing ovation at Miller Park in Milwaukee for his first game back from last year’s suspension. Would Brewers fans now also like to take back every “Ster-oids” chant they threw at Barry Bonds.

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Now we know the season has really started. Jose Reyes is back on the DL. #OpeningDay #MLB

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The black box on MH370 will only ping for about 5 more days. The CNN coverage, however, may last years.

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Donald Trump said today he’s been contacted by a group who want to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, the Bills winning a Super Bowl is probably a better bet than Trump winning the Presidency.

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A NY high school senior was accepted at all 8 Ivy League schools. If he could throw a football I’ll bet a few SEC schools would have accepted him too.

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Tiger Woods has had back surgery and will miss the Masters. Can we expect hourly coverage during the tournament from ESPN about his recovery?

(My friend Steve says he can’t wait for the ESPN updates saying how far Woods is off the lead, even when he’s not playing.)

 

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As an April Fool’s joke, Virgin America announced that each seat would have a personal thermostat. United Airlines thought of a similar joke saying they were putting comfortable seats in the coach cabin, but figured no one would believe them

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The White House announced that Obamacare met the goal of 7 million signups. So FOX is no doubt scrapping their story on disappointing numbers in favor of one alleging faked numbers.

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GM CEO Mary Barra said she was “deeply sorry” over the botched recall that led to 13 deaths and numerous injuries. She said the company had been operating under a “cost culture” before the 2009 bankruptcy, but that they are now operating under a “customer culture.” Either that or a “we-got-caught culture.”

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DeSean Jackson apparently is close to signing with the Redskins. Maybe Washington just wants to make sure neither their name issue nor RGIII is the team’s biggest distraction next season.

 

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A Michigan woman, who was forbidden from drinking at all as part of her probation from a 2012 DUI conviction, was arrested when a local cop saw her Facebook post bragging about beating a Breathalyzer after drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Forget the probation violation, she deserved arrest for criminal stupidity

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Not exactly P.C. here but today’s unfortunate name and job match is for the new coach of the University of Arkansas’s women’s basketball team – Jimmy Dykes.

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And the bus to hell thought for the night from T.C.   “Don Baylor underwent surgery to repair his femur after his freaky injury while catching Vladimir Guerrero’s first pitch.  Might be last time the Angels in the locker room tell each other to “break a leg.”

Monday mourning.

September 16, 2013

If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.

But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”

(A friend said this “punchline” is stale.  Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it.   )

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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?

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Okay, back to sports etc….

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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?

The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.

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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.

Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?

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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.

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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.

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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.

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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.

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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.

 

Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.

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From Jim Barach:  Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”

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And finally a  little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.

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Moving on.

July 18, 2013

Rick Perry has announced he will not run again for Governor of Texas. He may be running again for President. But wouldn’t a better option be Governor of Florida. Then Perry could threaten to secede and most Americans would say “Promise?”

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Top Three reactions on the Rolling Stone Boston bomber cover. 1. It’s outrageous. 2. It’s not a big deal. 3. Rolling Stone is still in business?

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The city of Detroit has declared bankruptcy. Wouldn’t it be better to declare war on the rest of the United States, lose, and apply for aid?

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The stock market closed at a record high today. Which means it’s time for the GOP to start talking about President Obama’s birth certificate again.

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Virginia’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, is trying to reinstate the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law. This law makes consensual oral or anal sex acts felonies, even for married heterosexual couples who commit the acts in the privacy of their own homes. (“Not tonight, dear, I don’t want to be arrested?”)

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A man was arrested outside the White House Tuesday morning with a loaded gun. And apparently told the police. “I was only going to fire a couple of shots.” Uh, George Zimmerman only fired one.

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Eliot ‪#‎Spitzer‬ told an interviewer he considered himself a feminist. Well, I guess he did support a woman-owned business and paid well…

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Jerry Seinfeld said he was upset during the All-Star game “when the Citi Field crowd was booing (players) that they see as rivals to their Mets team.” Of course, to be fair, it could have been an automatic reaction, as these days NY fans are just used to booing their own team.

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From T.C.  “Charles Foley, the inventor of Twister has passed on. He will be buried with his right foot touching the casket’s top left hand corner and his left hand touching the bottom right.”

 

Have to assume Kate is safely ensconced away from TV and media… But this baby is expected to be a major economic stimulus for the economy – tourist visits and locals buying “stuff.” And if you WANTED to create even more hype for a royal baby that will be King or Queen someday. one way to do it would be to let public assume a due date a week or two early….

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Lots of talk about banning PED users from baseball for life to make the game completely clean. But isn’t that like expecting the death penalty to completely stop murders? ‪#‎Nooneexpectstobecaught‬

Beat the heat?

July 5, 2013

New York City now has a new “Minus5 Ice Bar,” at the Hilton, where the temperature is kept at 23 degrees Fahrenheit. And walls, tables and even the drinking glasses are made of ice. Finally, something in town this summer colder than the Mets.

 

A 7-year-old Virginia boy has died a day after being shot while waiting for a Fourth of July fireworks show. Police believe someone had been firing randomly in the air and a stray bullet struck the boy in the head. If only that poor child had been armed….

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Are the ‎#SFGiants trying to make sure their 2013 season documentary is titled “50 Shades of Orange?”

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The LA Dodgers worried about bringing up Yasiel Puig in part because they didn’t think he was acclimated enough to U.S. culture. Wonder if the SF Giants as a goodwill gesture offered to have Pablo Sandoval introduce Puig to American fast food?

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For gamblers, here’s an interesting question. What will be a higher number? NFL players arrested this year? Or countries who Edward Snowden will ask for asylum?

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Venezuela has offered asylum to Edward ‎#Snowden. Perhaps not exactly the retirement paradise he was thinking of?

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Oliver Stone called Edward Snowden “a hero.” Translation, he wants first option on the movie rights.

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Brad Stevens said he was “absolutely humbled” by the opportunity to coach the Boston Celtics. If he’s humbled now, wait until he spends a season with NBA prima donnas.

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Jerzy Janowicz, Andy Murray’s opponent in Friday’s Wimbledon semi-final, is from Lodz, Poland. Lodz is pronounced “”woodge” (Seriously.) And we think English is hard.

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Wimbledon men’s semi-final match between Djokovic and del Potro was about 4 hour and 45 minutes long. What did they think this was, a Red Sox-Yankees game?

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Dwight Howard to the Rockets. How long until they figure out “Houston, we have a problem?”
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A seven-car accident near Atlanta very early this morning resulted in five or six of the drivers being charged with DUI’s. A pedestrian who police believe started the chain of wrecks by walking onto Interstate-75 was also charged. Explain to me again why we shouldn’t have let the South secede?.

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Haven’t seen this movie, and am unlikely to do so.  But  great line from my friend Gary Bachman:. “The “Lone Ranger” is so bad that there is an announcement before the movie to please turn ON your cellphones.”

Oh Mother.

May 13, 2013

Across America, many people took their moms to baseball games to celebrate Mother’s Day. Except maybe at Citi Field, where Mets fans figured their moms had already suffered enough.

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In San Francisco “good Timmy” Lincecum walks off the mound after 111 pitches and 7 shutout innings. To the relieved applause of 40,000 fans who were afraid that “bad Timmy” would have ruined their Mother’s Day.

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Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia bicker so much, are we sure they didn’t used to be married to each other?

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“The Great Gatsby” is the number one selling paperback book this week in the San Francisco Bay Area. Wonder how many buyers were impressed by the speed with which they made a book out of the movie?

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Can’t imagine how lefties get a reputation for being weird. Tampa Bay pitcher Matt Moore’s safety solution: Baseballs would have sensors, and “if it comes close to the other sensor in the pitcher’s hat, the ball just blows up.”

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Good news for NBC, Seth Meyers is going to take over as ‘Late Night’ host. Bad news for NBC, there went one of the last reasons to watch SNL.

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Great Gatsby and Iron Man 3 are #2 and #1 at the box office this weekend respectively. Makes sense, the first is the choice to “take Mom to the movies” second is “take the kids and get out of here so Mom can have some peace.”

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#BarbaraWalters. 83, says she will retire next year. Responded Larry King “So young?”

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Former Detroit Lions wide receiver Titus Young has been arrested in California for the THIRD time in a week. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking “dude is out of control.”

(And somewhere Young is thinking, how do I get Lindsay’s lawyer?  Or judge?)

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How bad have the Angels & White Sox been in 2013?    Many fans were  actually disappointed that #ESPN’s Sunday night game isn’t #Yankees #RedSox

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So some in the GOP are talking impeachment, and Mike Huckabee is saying Benghazi is more serious that Watergate “because four Americans did in fact die. Okay, then what about those nonexistent WMDs? How many Americans have died from going into Iraq…?

Look in the mirror?

February 22, 2013

Okay, for any woman who didn’t like the way her hair or her clothes looked today, cheer up, it could have been much worse.   Kim Kardashian’s newest maternity style:

 

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Rush Limbaugh said today “I am ashamed of my country.” And most of our country responded – “Funny, that’s the same way we feel about you.”

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Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z have announced a summer tour that includes a stop at Yankee Stadium July 19. And unlike A-Rod, both promise to deliver some serious hits.

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Johan Santana’s first Spring Training start has been pushed back two weeks, although  NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson says the pitcher isn’t injured. Guess Santana needs time to head to Brooklyn to look at that bridge he’s going to buy?

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Outgoing transportation secretary Ray LaHood says that triggered budget cuts may result in 90 minute flight delays. If so, wait for the airlines to add an “boarding area overtime usage fee.”

 

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New York Knicks GM Glen Grunwald thinks the team can win the NBA championship this year. Even Cubs fans are thinking “this man is delusional.”

 

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Six young adults have been stabbed, none with life threatening injuries, in a brawl on the street outside a downtown Los Angeles nightclub. Gosh, if they had only had guns to protect themselves.

 

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If automatic spending cuts go into effect March 1, one group that won’t see their $174,000 salaries cut is Congress. Because the 27th Amendment prohibits members from changing their pay until after the next election. Uh, how hard would it be to write a check to the U.S. Treasury?

 

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More on Oscar Pistorius, coach Ampie Loew says he would like to see the Olympics star back in training as early as Monday “as a means to shifting his mind onto more positive things than the bloody events of Valentine’s Day morning and the fatal shooting of Steenkamp.”   Wow. Get out the violins for the poor guy…..

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From my funny friend Jim Barach, “A report says that 38% of restaurants mistakenly label the type of fish they serve. For instance, there are several dishes at Red Lobster that are labeled as “fish”.

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The Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut is out “indefinitely.” So congrats to all those who had February 22 in the latest pool.

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Can’t decide what’s more amazing… that the NBA San Antonio Spurs are so consistently good, or that they manage to do it with so little drama.

MVP’ED?

February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

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Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

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Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

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The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

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This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

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Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

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The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

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A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

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LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

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So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

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For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

All choked up?

September 22, 2012

Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.

 

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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.

 

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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?

 

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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.

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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.

 

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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.

 

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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.

 

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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.

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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”

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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”

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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?

 

 

Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?

When you’re a Met.

June 2, 2012

Watched the replays from Johan Santana’s first ever “No-hitter” for the New York Mets. Guess this puts the Mets forever on the list of teams against fair or foul instant replay.

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Passenger on a Taiwan to Los Angeles flight last weekend were surprised to see a songbird flying down the aisle.. A flight attendant caught the bird and turned it over to Customs on arrival.. No word on what flight the bird was on, but we know it’s not an U.S.carrier – they would have charged passengers an extra music fee.

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Matt Kemp’s back on the DL, along with Troy Tulowitzki, Jered Weaver, Roy Halladay, Pablo Sandoval, etc. etc. Will this year’s MLB All Star Game be sponsored by Blue Shield?

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Just once could ESPN humor those of us sports fans who are Tigered-out and actually run a headline about who is LEADING a golf tournament, not how Woods is doing on a given day?

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My friend George was surprised to see President Obama in an Oakland library, but then realized it was a life-size cardboard cutout. Coincidentally he next ran into a life-size cardboard cutout of Romney, but then realized it was the real Mitt.

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This weekend England is celebrating their Queen’s Diamond jubilee. Wow. Who knew Elton John had been recording for 60 years?

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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day.

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John Edwards’ baby mama Rielle Hunter has announced she has written a  soon to be released book about their love affair, titled “What really happened: John Edwards,  our daughter and me.”   Well, there is some justice after all. Looks like with their daughter Quinn,  John has been sentenced to have to deal with Rielle for the rest of his life.

 

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Well, United Airlines is finally doing something to cut the total number of  delays at Houston-Intercontinental Airport by 5 %.  They anounced they are  cutting their total number of flights by 10%

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The SEC says they want a four “best” team playoff for the college football championship. Presumably as long as the conference can have two of the four teams.

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A 32 year old, who was just named “Teacher of the Year”, at his Texas middle school has been arrested and charged with sexting with a 15-year-old girl student. Once again implying, it may not be safe to allow heterosexual teachers in the classroom.

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The Toyota Prius became the world’s third-best-selling car in the first quarter of 2012. Only third? Then how come there’s always one in front of you when you’re in a hurry on the freeway?

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Yet more “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. “Thank you very much,” said the police who then arrested her at her home.

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Silver lining in Boston and Atlanta.

September 29, 2011

But first, want to wish all my Jewish friends “Happy New Year.” And want to wish my Red Sox and Braves fan friends “Happy Next Year.”

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Back to the silver lining – fans don’t have to stress about the Red Sox and Braves stumbling in the postseason again.

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And in Boston, at least the Patriots can rest easy. Their blowing a 21-0 lead in the fourth quarter last Sunday will now never be the most talked about sports collapse in town.

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Forget Eva, in Tampa Wednesday night heterosexual men would kiss EVAN Longoria

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Karma, especially where the big bucks are concerned, can be an impressive bitch. To that end, wonder if Carl Crawford is thinking “Maybe I should have considered that offer to stay with the Rays?”

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An Atlanta player who was queried about the Braves’ September collapse (9-19 and five losses in a row to end the season), mentioned their strong start, and said he wished the team could have just “flip-flopped the months.” Uh, I know a math degree is not required to play baseball, but if Atlanta did “flip-flop the months”, they’d have still ended up one game short.

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The Braves lost five in a row to end the season. Was this the worst week in Atlanta history not involving Sherman?

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After a momumental choke job by the Braves, the St. Louis Cardinals won the NL wild card. For SF fans, who now know that even a mediocre performance in August, or a good performance in September would have put the Giants into the playoffs, it just confirms “of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.”

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Sarah Palin referred to Herman Cain as “the flavor of the week.” Then she referred to him as “Herb Cain.” What’s next, she’s going to claim he’s really a San Franciscan?

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Jose Reyes got a bunt hit in his first at-bat at Citi Field to raise his average to .337, and was promptly pulled by Mets manager Terry Collins (apparently at Reyes’ own request) to preserve his lead for the batting crown. Ted Williams must be spinning in his freezer.

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But really, a bunt hit in a meaningless game against the Reds, and then taking the afternoon off? Shouldn’t this year’s highest batting average also have an asterisk?

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Redemption for hopeless optimists. Think of the tens of thousands of Rays fans who walked out of Tropicana Field tonight in disgust when their team was down 7-0.

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A seven run comeback starting in the eighth? Angry Red Sox fans want John Sayles to consider making a second movie about the Yankees collapse tonight – titled “Eight relief pitchers out.”

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Florida owner Jeffrey Loria introduced new manager Ozzie Guillen today and saying “Welcome to a new era in Marlins baseball.” Actually, since it’s Ozzie, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate if Loria said “Welcome to a new #%$!#ing era in Marlins baseball?”

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ESPN was nonstop coverage Wednesday of the Boston collapse and Tampa Bay win over New York. Almost no mention of the dramatic finish for the NL Wild Card. Gosh, you’d almost think there were no other teams in baseball except the Red Sox and Yankees.

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Michael Vick says it is “100 percent” that he’ll play this weekend against the SF 49ers. Well, at this point guess Vick doesn’t want to be accused of dogging it.

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David Stern is now threatening to cancel the whole NBA regular season. Promise? (And really, does that mean all the teams can just start by being in the playoffs? Most of them get in now anyway.)

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Florida now plans to move their presidential primary on January 31, 2012, which is upsetting GOP party leaders as it will wreak havok with their nominating calendar. Well, at least it’s a nice change to see Florida causing trouble for Republicans.

If you are reading this…

August 27, 2011

And you are on the East Coast, congrats. You still have power.

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On his Friday radio show, Glenn Beck called Hurricane Irene a “blessing,” saying it would teach people to be prepared for disasters. New Yorkers angrily responded “We’ve learned that from the Mets bullpen.”

(for AL fans and Yankees haters, substitute “Phil Hughes” or “A.J. Burnett” for the “Mets bullpen”.)

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Hurricane Irene heading towards D.C. this weekend. Washington bracing for female fury like they haven’t seen since Hillary used to catch Bill sneaking in late.

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A-Rod met with MLB officials about the alleged illegal poker games, but said he does not expect to be suspended.

If Rodriguez is caught again while he is still playing for the Yankees, the officials said there will be serious consequences – as in they will be “really really angry.”

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Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have broken up. Guess the Yankees weren’t alone at this point in being reluctant to sign a long term contract with him.

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Reversing his earlier statement that it was a state’s rights issue, Gov. Rick Perry has signed a pledge to back a federal constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Who’s going to be the first candidate with the cajones to sign a pledge saying he/she won’t sign any more pledges?

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While some are already preparing to blame things like gay marriage for Hurricane Irene heading for the Northeast, I must have missed all the same conservatives talking about the D.C. earthquake’s epicenter being in Eric Cantor’s district.

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Lefty Eric Surkamp starting today for SF Giants. In AA he has about 150 strikeouts to 40 walks. Which sunds like most of the Giants’ hitters.

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And okay, Giants fans, a little background on this new pitcher Eric Surkamp. As a “Flying Squirrel” in AA Richmond he had a 2.02 ERA with 165 ks to 44 walks. And in 14 at bats, he had 4 hits and 3 RBIs. Surkamp’s making his first start tomorrow. But heck, bat him cleanup.

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Goshen College, a small Mennonite school in Indiana, has banned playing the U.S. National Anthem since it is “too violent.” Wonder what would ever happen if a French group visited the school – their anthem contains a line that translates – “March on, march on, their impure blood will water our fields.”

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An arrest warrent has been issued for senior LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson. The Cincinnati Bengals just asked if it was too late to take him in the supplemental draft.

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LSU QB Jordan Jefferson has been suspended after his arrest on battery charges for allegedly kicking someone in a bar fight. During the investigation police confiscated 49 pairs of shoes from Jefferson’s apartment. 49 pairs of shoes?! At Miami they are thinking “Those LSU boosters are pikers.”

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As the “body count” grows for NCAA players suspended for the year for various offenses – legal and academic – here’s a suggestion: Can Aladdin Bail Bonds sponsor a post season “All-Star Probation” bowl?

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Former Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel said that former Buckeye QB Terrelle Pryor will always have his support. Makes sense, when he played at OSU Pryor worked as hard for his pay as anyone.

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Gremlins

July 14, 2011

Yes, another back to back post.  (Thanks TC for noticing.)   Blame the late post of yesterday’s items on the gremlins in Brian Wilson’s beard.

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Open note to all baseball fans: If ANYTHING Brian Wilson does or wears shocks you, you haven’t been paying attention.

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New York GM Sandy Alderson said that the team is not giving up by trading Francisco Rodriguez. Yep, avid Mets watchers know the season was over at least a month ago.

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What’s with all these pledges Republican presidential candidates are signing these days, the “no-tax” pledge, the “Family Leader” pledge…? Guess the “Pledge of Allegiance” isn’t good enough anymore.

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USA women beat France Wednesday 3-1. And a lot of those bandwagon fans who celebrated the win over Brazil, said “Wait, there was another game?”

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According to the New York Times, an NCAA official told Auburn coach Gene Chizik that they are not done investigating the team’s football program and the recruitment of Cam Newton. So a question, when the Tigers vacate THEIR national championship, do they tear up the pictures of them at the White House with Obama?

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‎Twenty-eight months ago Bud Selig set up a “Blue Ribbon Committee” to look into a possible Oakland A’s move to San Jose. Last night after the All-Star game he said “No decision yet, they’re still studying it.” Almost 2 1/2 years later? Who’s chairing this committee- Brett Favre?

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From Marc Ragovin  – “So many players nowadays find excuses for not playing in the All Star game, it has become baseball’s equivalent of jury duty.”

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Kentucky’s first NASCAR event last weekend turned out to be a traffic disaster. Many fans were stuck in their cars for hours and didn’t even make it to the race. GOP gubernatorial candidate David Williams referred to the gridlock as a “national embarrassment for the state.” Almost as much as Mitch McConnell?

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Speaking of McConnell,  the Senate Minority Leader stated Wednesday in an interview about his debt ceiling strategy, that he has an “obligation” to his party not to be sucked into a “horrible position politically that would allow the president to get re-elected.” Yeah, what’s a little national default and global depression if the GOP can take back the White House?

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Bristol Palin is now saying of her family that “we have God on our side.” Ah, that explains it – God must have encouraged her to get drunk on wine coolers just to create another little Palin.

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Just rereading the “Family Leader” pledge for candidates. And wondering, when one of their adherents gets pregnant, do her friends throw her an ‘innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy” shower? (Yes, that is the term their pledge uses to describe children.)

And what of for, example, the “innocent fruit” of wine coolers. Do they not deserve protection too?

There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

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Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

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While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

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A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

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An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

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While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

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The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

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Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

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Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

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First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

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One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

Too gruesome?

May 5, 2011

Apparently photos will not be released because they’re too gruesome. And besides pictures of the Lakers’ shooting in game two, President Obama won’t release pictures of Bin Laden’s corpse either.

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Rough few days in Los Angeles. The Dodgers found out that the team doesn’t have enough money to cover their paychecks. And the Lakers didn’t do anything to earn theirs.

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Now that we’ve got Bin Laden, time for the important stuff: The DOJ apparently has sent the NCAA a letter asking why there isn’t a playoff system for college football, saying “serious questions” continue to be raised about whether the current Bowl Championship Series complies with federal antitrust laws.

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Well, so much for all those doubters who didn’t believe Boise State had a big-time football program. They’ve now been charged by the NCAA with rules violations and have self-imposed sanctions. Another step closer to joining the SEC!

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Although the World Champion San Francisco Giants have been in a serious slump at the plate for weeks, many long-time team observers say not to hit the panic button yet. Besides, the way the Giants are going, if they went for the panic button they’d swing and miss.

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Tim Lincecum struck out 12 against the Mets tonight to move ahead of Christy Mathewson for most double-digit strikeout games in Giants history (29). And most amazingly, Timmy’s done it all before hitting puberty.

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And it’s two wins in a row for the SF Giants, who had been struggling mightily. Of course, maybe these wins should have an asterisk. They were against the Mets.

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Tough times at Citi Field in New York. Have heard the most common chant now has changed from “Let’s Go Mets,” to “Please Go Mets.”

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I’m not a big country fan, but American Idol’s Scotty McCreery could sell out HP Pavilion and a number of arenas across the country tomorrow. (And while he was a high school pitcher, I think it’s a safe bet his baseball career is over.)

From T.C. 

Reports explain how the Navy SEAL helicopters were able to infiltrate the Osama Bin Laden compound and take him out.

His ATC workers were sleeping at the time of the attack.

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Jerry Brown says that to deal with the budget crisis, California may have to cut 20 days off the school year. The Governor’s poll numbers with teenagers just doubled.

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And a tweet from a twit:  Sarah Palin’s latest about releasing a death photo of Osama bin Laden. “Show photo as warning to others seeking America’s destruction. No pussy-footing around, no politicking, no drama;it’s part of the mission.”

“Pussy-footing around?” Does she mean like the previous administration did in not going after Bin Laden?

Trumped?

April 19, 2011

Donald Trump said recently he has “good relationships with the blacks.” Amazing that he didn’t add “Some of my best friends are black.”

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And what exactly did that sentence mean?  Is he talking about Knicks season tickets?

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Can hardly wait to hear what Trump says about Latinos.

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Trump also says he could tell OPEC to lower crude oil prices, insisting that prices “will go down if you say it properly.”    And he says Obama lives in a world of make-believe?

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A former Sarah Palin aide will release his tell-all book “Blind Allegiance” in May. Author Frank Bailey is not, however, worried about being sued. To sue him Sarah would actually have to read it.

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‎ “Western New England College”, with 3700 students,  has announced they will become “Western New England University” on July 1. The institution immediately received calls from several SEC schools hoping to play them in football.

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Glenn Beck announced that he has sold his Connecticut mansion and will be leaving the New York City area. For many New Yorkers, this almost makes up for the Mets.

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Reds’ pitcher Mike Leake was arrested in Cincinnati (for shoplifting.) No word on if manager Dusty Baker will suspend him, but in related news Leake was just declared an honorary Bengal.

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And on the brighter side for Leake, he’s already had some interest in a date from both Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan.

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The alleged shoplifting was for six shirts, totaling less than $60 at Macy’s.  At least Leake wasn’t shopping at Neiman Marcus, where six shirts would easily total up to grand larceny.

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Out-of-state students at the University of California pay more than $23,000 more a year than in-state students. And this year 18 % of admitted freshmen are from out of state. Wonder how long it will take the tea-partiers to suggest the schools need to stop accepting kids from California.

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An air traffic controller was suspended for watching a movie on his DVD player while on duty, the crime thriller “Cleaner.” In his defense, the controller said he was just trying to stay awake.
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Today is “Patriot’s Day,” a holiday observed in Massachusetts and Maine to mark the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord in 1775. Meanwhile, Michele Bachman allegedly tried to celebrate the event in New Hampshire.
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer on Monday vetoed a bill that would have required President Barack Obama and other presidential candidates to prove their U.S. citizenship before their names could appear on the state’s ballot.
So yes, that answers a question many have asked  – is there anything that’s too crazy for Arizona?
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And guess her veto means Brewer has no interest in running on a ticket in 2012 with Donald Trump.
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Augie’s comment on Nicholas Cage, Charlie Sheen and Ann Coulter teaming up for a movie version of “Two and a Half Men”  -  “Who’s the half man?”
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You think just maybe the Miami Heat watched the Spurs-Grizzlies and Lakers-Hornets games yesterday? Or at least saw the scores?

Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

Finally getting to the finals:

April 4, 2011

Stanford women picked a bad game to start shooting free throws like men.

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And who had the UConn men in the finals, and the UConn women watching at home?

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Rough time to be an ESPN executive with women’s basketball, all the hype (and already canned segments) about a Stanford-UConn rematch, and the network ends up with Texas A & M-Notre Dame?

And changing over to baseball:-

Okay,  Giants fans, it’s too soon to panic.  But maybe Aubrey Huff needs a fielding thong.

Although for anyone reading too much into MLB’s first weekend, let’s see-  the Royals are in first place, and one of the only undefeated teams left in baseball are the Baltimore Orioles?

Oh yeah,  and the Red Sox are winless.

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The Yankees are now claiming that injured lefthanded reliever Pedro Feliciano was “abused” by the Mets during the four years he pitched for them.  Not true, responded the Mets, the only people we abuse are our fans.

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Meanwhile, the third member of the Oakland Raiders was arrested this off-season.  So lockout or no lockout the team is clearly in midseason form.

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And the most recent arrest of  Raiders wide receiver  Louis Murphy, was for illegal possession of a drug without a prescription, and the drug was Viagra.  Think when the team actually gets back in the locker room he may hear one or two jokes about “performance enhancing drugs?”

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New Southwest slogan:  “Flying that’s all it’s cracked up to be?”

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“Hop”  was the clear box office winner this weekend.  It might be the highest grossing bunny movie of all time, at least without Hugh Hefner involved.

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A 74 year old in San Diego stabbed his neighbor because he said the neighbor’s dogs were harrassing his kittens. Well, I suppose it’s a twisted sign of gender equality. Now we have a crazy cat man.

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Apparently  the reviews were terrible for Charlie Sheen’s first two “Torpedo of Truth,” shows, with many people simply walking out.  But maybe fans who bought tickets should have figured this – after all, a torpedo really is a kind of bomb.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Well,  Jalen Rose, who had already been called on the carpet for his rants against Duke, has been pulled from ESPN after a DUI arrest.  Looks like Rose has gone from the ‘Fab Five’ to ‘Two and a half men.’”


Rats.

February 16, 2011

Larry, the newest member of the British Government.

Apparently British Prime Minister David Cameron has yielded to his children’s pleas, along with requests from his staff who have seen several large rats,  and adopted a “predatory” cat whose job it will be to rid his office of vermin.

President Obama just wishes there was a cat who had the the same potential with lobbyists.

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Donald Trump is burnishing his Conservative credentials in preparation for a possible 2012 run for the Presidency. Which include stating that he is against gay-marriage. Instead “The Donald” believes that marriage should be a sacred union between a man and a series of progressively younger women.

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Donald Trump said that New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon wants him to buy part of the club but he declined. So let’s see, Trump is arrogant enough to think he can run for President and fix the United States, but not so arrogant as to think he can fix the Mets?.

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After months of posturing from both sides Roger Goodell now says labor talks must accelerate to avert a strike. Sounds like the NFL is taking the same advance planning approach to a potential shutdown as the Cowboys did with those extra Super Bowl seats.

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The St. Louis Cardinals have reportedly offered Albert Pujols $200 million for eight years, but Pujols may turn it down because it isn’t as high per year as A-Rod’s 10 year $275 million contract. So can someone explain to me exactly what you can buy with $275 million that you can’t buy with $200 million?

(Responded my friend, Jerry Perisho – “Kate Hudson.”  Although I think A-Rod only rented her.)

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A recent survery of likely GOP primary voters in 2012 saids that 51% of them think President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. 28 % think he was born here, 21 % aren’t sure. Maybe it’s time to change the song “God Bless America,” to “God Help America.”

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Probable 2012 Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Monday that for him the issue of abortion “transcends” all other pressing concerns facing the country.

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While good people can disagree on choice, its amazing how many of those who believe banning abortion is the MOST important issue are financially secure men with healthcare and jobs.

Losing records.

September 22, 2010

Joe Torre apologized today for remarks indicating he might be interested in going back to New York :”It certainly wasn’t my intention of doing that and making people believe that I wanted to manage the Mets.”

Well, makes sense, if for no other reason than Torre doesn’t want other potential employers to question his sanity.

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New York manager Jerry Manuel had been upset about Joe Torre’s comment that he was “curious” about the Mets job, saying “I find it also curious when someone comments about a job that someone already has.”

Yeah, but considering that New York has the fifth highest payroll at $132 million and is in fourth place in their division, there is some question as to whether the someone who has the job is actually doing it.

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Houston Texans LT Duane Brown became the latest NFL player suspended for Performance Enhancing Drugs. And of course, he blamed a tainted supplement. At least Paris Hilton was original enough to come up with the gum excuse.

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After the 49ers loss to the New Orleans Saints by a last second field goal, many in the San Francisco media are loving to talk about the “moral victory.”

“Moral victory?” Who do they think Northern Californians are, Cubs fans?

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Meanwhile, Giants 1, Cubs 0. Just another offensive explosion for San Francisco.

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The Cubs, btw, have a $146 million payroll, and as of today 68 wins, which means they are about to come in at about $2 million a win. Making them just about the team equivalent to Barry Zito.

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A man was arrested allegedly for trying to plant a bomb near Wrigley Field. I suppose it’s some comfort to know at least that he wasn’t targeting the World Series.

(Or as Alex Kaseberg added, “I thought the Cubs were the biggest bomb at Wrigley Field.)

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There are rumors Facebook may come out with a cellphone. If so, it might be the first smartphone without a voice app.
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Apparently Cher is leaving Las Vegas next February and Celine Dion is returning to take her place. Wait, didn’t the U.S. sign a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Lisa Murowski, who lost the Republican Primary as a sitting senator, has the following line in a television ad about her write-in candidacy:

“Alaskans have spoken, they cannot accept the extreme views of Joe Miller nor the inexperience of (Democrat) Scott McAdams.”

(Well actually, based on the votes in the primary, Senator Murkowski, Alaskans have spoken, and they don’t want you.)

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A joint joke with my funny friend Jerry Perisho,

NFL star Reggie Bush broke his leg during Monday night’s game. Out of habit, he sent his copy of the x-rays back to the doctor.

Bush also said the crutches were not an admission that the leg was broken.
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Further regarding Bush’s statement about returning the Heisman not being an admission of guilt: Right, and Larry Craig’s pleading guilty was not an admission he was gay.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle suggested on Monday that she’d prefer free-market remedies to a legislative mandate that insurance companies be required to cover people with pre-existing condition. Uh, haven’t we been trying “free-market remedies” up until this point. Didn’t appear they were working.

Onamatopoeia and beyond.

August 15, 2010

Onomatopoeia – words that sound like what they mean. Add to the list – the movie “Expendables.”

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Toby Gerhart was rusty from having skipped spring practice to finish classes and graduate from Stanford. But he had 24 yards in eight carries in his first pre-season game against the St. Louis Rams. Pretty respectable, but now we’ll have to see how Gerhart does against real professional opposition.

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The Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez apologized to his teammates and fans on Saturday for his arrest resulting from the fight he had at Citi Field with his father-in-law. Now New York fans are just waiting for manager Jerry Manuel and GM Omar Minaya to apologize for the Mets

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Television ratings are plummeting for the PGA tour this year. Who knew that in terms of viewers, the only difference between Major League Soccer and professional golf might turn out to have been Tiger Woods?

JaMarcus Russell may not be an Oakland Raider anymore, but he still is dealing with issues from his arrest for using codeine syrup? Codeine syrup? As in Cheracol? What my mother used to give us for colds? The guy can’t even do drugs at a major league level.

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A recent study in Australia discovered that patients more often preferred boring pills over antioxidant-rich dark chocolate to help control their blood pressure. Hmm, maybe they should try the survey again and actually include some women?

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While the SF Giants beat the San Diego Padres 3-2 in 11 innings Sunday, the team is still doing a horrible job of hitting with men on base. In fact, the Giants are stranding so these days that the theme song at A T and T park may have to be switched to “Gilligan’s Island…” (“A three-hour tour….”)

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The Miss University pageant this year had an official photo shoot in Las Vegas, where several of the contestants posed topless and in body paint.

While the pageant has received some criticism for the photos being too racy, most men polled said they would reserve judgment until they had further examined the evidence.

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This week, Venice got their first licensed female gondolier in the city’s history. Georgia Boscolo, 24, will also soon become the first gondolier to get lost and actually ask for directions.

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Meg Whitman has now spent $104 million of her own money to try to become Governor of California. The saddest thing, all kidding aside, is that with that kind of $$ you could buy real change, scholarships for needy students, childcare for working mothers, even startup money for young entrepreneurs….instead of being another failed wannabe politician.


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