Posted tagged ‘Mets jokes’

Moving on.

November 3, 2015

Rough World Series for New York fans. Now they’ll have to go back to being disappointed by the Jets, Giants and Knicks.

There are rumors that Jimmy Fallon may have a worrisome drinking issue after three recent injuries. Hoping for his sake it’s not true…. but if it is, would NBC want Leno to come back as a temporary fill-in? Beginning to think the guy has more lives than a cat.

A woman who was a 2014-15 Alabama’s Teacher of the Year has resigned. This after she was moved from teaching 2nd grade to 5th, and then told she didn’t have the qualifications to teach fifth-graders. Shocking. Alabama has teaching qualifications?

Obama ordered federal agencies to “ban the box” in their hiring decisions, meaning they can’t ask prospective government employees about their criminal histories on job applications. Who says the President never does anything for Congress?

Activision-Blizzard is acquiring Candy Crush’s maker for $5.9 billion. $5.9 billions? Wow. In the days after Halloween aren’t you supposed to get a discount on candy?

Police have charged a Houston man with murder, saying he fatally stabbed his friend for taking the last piece of chicken at dinner. Your move, Florida, ‪#‎ifonlytheywerebotharmed‬

ESPN is reporting that the SF 49ers are benching QB Colin Kaepernick for Blaine Gabbert. Which is the NFL equivalent of rearranging desk chairs on the Titanic?

The SF 49ers have also shipped TE Vernon Davis to the Denver Broncos for future draft picks. Hardest thing for Davis at this point – wiping that sh*t-eating grin off his face as he cleans out his locker.

So besides being suspended for 1 game, Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett will lose his scholarship for the summer term after being arrested for DUI and trying to avoid a checkpoint (“backing without safety.”)
This punishment means that unless he pays tuition himself, Barrett will not be able to work out with the team over the summer, but his scholarship will resume next fall. Assuming J.T. doesn’t declare for the NFL draft. ‪#‎whosaysUrbanMeyerdoesnthavestandards‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

The EPA is saying now that Volkswagen SUVs also used cheating software to get around U.S. emission standards. Ah, for the good old days when the most corrupt people in the car business were simply some used-car salesmen.

Fox is now slamming CNBC for their non “substantive”” questions in the last GOP debate and saying they will do better in their next Fox Business debate. With more questions like this from the first Fox debate? “I want to know if any of [the candidates] have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first,”

Now Donald Trump’s campaign says they will negotiate separately and “directly with the host network to establish debate criteria that will determine Mr. Trump’s participation.”
Guessing one of the questions the Donald will not allow would be one about how he expects to work collaboratively with Congress and various world leaders.

Donald Trump also now says he turned down an invitation to be on the “boring and low-rated” Last Week Tonight with John Oliver .And the show responded on Twitter “Couple of points. 1. Yes, we have a boring show. 2. At no point did we invite Donald Trump to appear on it.
So at what point does Trump realize, if he offends every single media outlet, who’s going to cover his outbursts?

From Alex Kaseberg  “This Halloween, a kid came to our door dressed as Mets player, Daniel Murphy. At first he was a big hit, but then he kept dropping his candy.”

(And of course it would be perfect if the candy he dropped was rainbow skittles.)

Royal flush

November 2, 2015

Harold Reynolds tonight in the World Series compared Matt Harvey‬, who pitched a great game, to MadBum‬. Uh, not exactly.

For who compare Terry Collins’ decision to let Harvey‬ finish to 2014 Game 7 remember, Bochy probably couldn’t have wrestled Madbum‬ off mound.

Not sure but in this ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ maybe God decided to gently tell Daniel Murphy that He/She doesn’t disagree with the “gay lifestyle.”

Had to love Fox analysis before World Series Game Five “This is a must win for the NY Mets.” Ya think?

Bad news for baseball fans – no more games until 2016. Good news for baseball fans, no more Joe Buck until 2016

In retrospect, so how good were the Houston Astros? ‪#‎closesttobeatingtheRoyals‬

Tony Bennett singing before the World Series. Did MLB sign him up earlier in 2015 because they figured the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ would be back in it?

All the hype over the Rodgers-Manning matchup with Packers-Broncos today, and Brees and Eli Manning put them both to shame.

It’s easier to laugh when you win.  After the Saints win, coach Sean Payton joked “Brees had 7 TDs but we told him the game ball was going to the kicker”
Entering the 4th quarter, Drew Brees had 6 TD and 6 incompletions.
All ‪#‎Saints‬ & ‪#‎Stanford‬ football fans have absolutely no need to visit doctor anytime soon for cardiac stress tests. ‪#‎Whodat‬‪#‎Nerdnation‬
Had that Washington State field goal at the end of the game not gone wide right, a whole new generation of fans at Stanford would have grown up debating the tuck rule.
While the Saints‬ and Giants‬ were breaking records in New Orleans, fans in SF Bay Area had to watch the 49ers Rams game.

#‎GregHardy‬ left today’s game with an apparent knee injury. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

An allegedly drunk woman is recovering with serious hand injuries after being bitten by a tiger on Halloween night – she said she had sneaked into the zoo to pet the tiger. Nope, not Florida. Omaha. Looks like Nebraska is making a strong play in this week’s ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ competition.

The NFL International series now has three games a year in London, so Brits get to see six franchises. And every year seems like one of them is actually a real professional team. ‪#‎nottheLions‬

A white female South Carolina sheriff captain has been criticized for dressing up as Bob Marley for Halloween, with a t-shirt featuring a marijuana leaf, and wearing blackface. She has apologized, says she had no idea it might be offensive, and has not been disciplined.
Okay, maybe she isn’t racist, but can you suspend someone for criminal stupidity?

Paul Ryan, who made family time a condition of running for House Speaker, said today he will not support legislation guaranteeing paid family leave. “I don’t think people asked me to be speaker so I can take more money from hard-working taxpayers, so I can create some new federal entitlement.”
In other words, I got mine, the rest of you suckers are on your own.

This could go on all day and night….

October 27, 2015

Thanks to ESPN’s insisting that the MLB season start on a Sunday night, and in 2015, April 5, the World Series just got started tonight. Finally.  Millions of Americans have been eagerly awaiting the November Classic.

The World Series was actually delayed tonight over Fox’s unexplained technical difficulties. Maybe even God has had enough of Joe Buck.

But really, Fox having broadcast outage at ‪the #‎WorldSeries‬?   Well, maybe if the network had actually practiced by regularly showing baseball this season?

During the postgame show Joe Buck talked about  ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game 2 “tomorrow in Kansas City.”  Uh, Joe, after 14 innings, more like tonight.

First time I’ve seen even a little bat flip on a sacrifice fly. ‪#‎Hosmer‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ ‪#‎Royals‬

But give Hosmer credit, that sacrifice fly must have felt really good after he picked a really bad time to channel Bill Buckner.

So do the ‪#‎Mets‬ have a special voodoo doll they bury near first base during the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬?

Harold Reynolds, doing his best to match Joe Buck on the stupid scale. “this is about as evenly matched a World Series as I’ve heard people talk about in years.” Uh, except for last year that came down to one-run in game 7?

The NY Daily News reported Tuesday night that Derek Jeter is engaged. Apparently the Yankees really really don’t like being out of the October spotlight.

When  ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game one started Bartolo Colon had barely started shaving.

An injured deer walked into a Rochester, NY, emergency room. Assume the staff fawned over him.

REI says it will close all stores on Black Friday and pay their employees to be outside that day. Hope not too many of those employees decide “outside’ means waiting outside other stores

Taco Bell has introduced new croissant breakfast tacos. Yet another consequence of states legalizing marijuana?

-The Texans have released QB Ryan Mallett after he was late for meetings Saturday and missed the team’s charter flight to Miami. I can hear the cries from Houston now “Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.!!!”

Oracle announced they will build a public charter “Design Tech” high school on its Redwood City, California campus. The idea presumably being to hire some of these kids before they do something silly like go to college.

Walgreen’s is acquiring Rite Aid. Another step on the path to one national drug store change and one airline.

Charles Koch is bemoaning a lack of substance and civility in the 2016 Presidential race “It’s mainly about personalities, and ‘your mother sucked rotten eggs.” Yeah, well, Dr. Frankenstein also ended up not being thrilled with his monster.

Donald Trump’s response to his drop in the polls. “I don’t get it.”   Hey, when he’s right, he’s right.

John Kasich talking about his GOP competition on the eve of the next debate. “I’ve about had it with these people. I want you to know I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of listening to this nonsense and I’m going to have to call it like it is in this race.”
With all due respect, so until now he’s not been “calling it like it is” why?

Is it too soon to start a pool on the next arrest date for Greg Hardy? ‪#‎Cowboys‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

Alex Kaseberg, co-piloting me on the bus-to-hell tonight.  “After sustaining a serious 4th-of-July fireworks hand injury, Jason Pierre-Paul agreed to terms with New York Giants. Jason was so happy, he gave the Giants a high-three.”

Breaking bread?

October 22, 2015

In Israel, a cafe owner is offering 50% off to Jewish and Arab customers who eat at the same table. If this catches on maybe some brave restaurant owner in the U.S could do the same for Democrats and Republicans.

No playoff baseball on TV tonight. So all Americans got to see what it’s like to be a fan without cable.

Matt Harvey made $614,000 from the NY Mets this year while Jacob deGrom made $556.000. Together they almost equal the 2015 Mets’ salary of Bobby Bonilla – $1,193,000.

Don Mattingly will not be back next year as manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I am shocked” said nobody.

It was a pretty painful loss for Michigan last week, but the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ did all they could tonight to put a smile back on Jim Harbaugh’s face.

Just thinking when ‪#‎NFL‬ scheduled the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ and ‪#‎Seahawks‬ for ‪#‎TNF‬ they didn’t expect it would be a battle to get out of ‪#‎NFCWest‬ cellar

So apparently Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have both signed a document asking that their divorce case be dismissed. Uh, just thinking, since Odom’s in a condition where he probably couldn’t legally even consent to sex, how could he make any decisions on his marriage?

The state of Oregon is suing GNC saying they knowing spiked supposedly all-natural dietary supplements with synthetic drugs. And hundreds of athletes who’ve been caught for various PED’s are saying “See?”

Your “wanna get away” moment:  The Intercontinental Hotel Group printed cards for its elite frequent stay guests, with a special toll free number on the back.  But they mistakenly printed 1-800 instead of their toll-free prefix 1-844.  So callers to the number ended up with “America’s hottest” phone sex line.   Oops.

You know, between investigating Benghazi and Hillary’s emails, not to mention trying to repeal Obamacare and defund Planned Parenthood, it shouldn’t be surprising that the GOP-ledCongress can’t get anything done – they don’t have time for anything else.

As the Republicans continue to go after Hillary for the deaths in Benghazi have to wonder, would they be giving her a bit more of a break if after the attack she had gotten Obama to invade Grenada?

Benghazi committee chair Trey Gowdy when asked what new information they got from today’s 11 hour questioning of Hillary Clinton “In terms her testimony, I don’t know if she testified that differently today than she’s previously testified.”
Well, that’s certainly enough reason to convene another special committee.

Donald Trump retweeted a tweet saying “Ben Carson is now leading in the polls in Iowa Too much Monsanto in the corn creates issues in the brain?” And of course Iowans were furious.
Now Trump tweeted “the young intern who accidentally did a Retweet apologizes.” Would that be the Donald’s excuse as President if he insults one of our allies?

A study published in Current Biology found the louder the howler monkey, the smaller his testicles.
Does this really need a punchline?

Finally, this bus-to-hell item from T.C.    “Louisville University has been accused of using strippers and hookers in their recruiting process for their basketball team. Not to be outdone, up until last week, UNLV was toying with the idea of signing Lamar Odom as their basketball ambassador.”

Back to the past

October 21, 2015

Guess ‪#‎BackToTheFuture‬ was as accurate a predictor as all those prophecies of the Rapture. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬

So did original “Back to the Future” come out during Bartolo Colon’s rookie year? Not quite, but at 12 he was old enough to see it. ‪#‎Mets‬

Well, at least this one’s not on Steve Bartman ‪#‎Cubs‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬

Joe Biden says he is not running for President, saying there is not enough time to mount an effective campaign. And about a dozen GOP candidates are saying “What’s an effective campaign?”

Maybe the ‪#‎Cubs‬ had to lose. With ‪#‎JoeBiden‬ dropping out of Presidential race, God didn’t want to give comedy writers a 2nd blow in one day

The Mets’ Daniel Murphy is looking at a big payday next season. But as far as endorsement contracts, just thinking Murphy might be regretting those anti-gay comments he made in March.

Chris Christie wants to stop flights from NJ to Cuba. Is he afraid too many New Jerseyans will defect.

United sent out an email today saying they had completed Wi-Fi installations on
791 aircraft, representing 92% of our domestic fleet 91% of our international fleet. And on about half of those planes, the Wi-Fi actually works.

Texas Monthly wrote this week about a phrase they use in Norway to describe a situation as “totally crazy” – “Helt Texas.” (The literal translation, “quite Texas.”)
Apparently not many Norwegians have been to Florida?

Former Michigan coach Brady Hoke said he would have have punted on fourth down with 10 seconds left last week against Michigan State. Uh, Brady Hoke wouldn’t have had the lead with 10 seconds left against Michigan State.

The NHL Columbus Blue Jackets have fired coach Todd Richards after an 0-7 start. Surprised reactions across the country. “Columbus has a hockey team?” and “the NHL has started already?”

The rumors aren’t going away that Marshawn Lynch was drag racing Seahawks teammate Fred Jackson when he crashed. If true will Lynch’s defense be that he was just in a hurry to get somewhere so he wouldn’t be fined?

Now that Paul Ryan is making time with his family a requirement for his being Speaker maybe he can use his clout to get the “Family Medical and Insurance Leave” act out of purgatory in the House Ways and Means Committee where it has been languishing this year. Wonder if he knows the chair of the committee? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

(Ryan IS the chair of the committee.)

Am trying to imagine what the GOP would do if Hillary Clinton said one non-negotiable thing if she becomes President would be making some time every week for her granddaughter.

Bristol Palin has apparently come to a child support agreement with her first baby daddy Levi Johnston. Which is probably a good thing, as guessing Bristol won’t be getting that $250,000 plus a year any more as a spokeswoman for abstinence.

Hot and cold

October 18, 2015

So the temperature in New York is under 40 degrees at game time tonight. Maybe they were right when they said hell would freeze over before the Cubs got close to another World Series again.

If this keeps up even LGBT New Yorkers will be hugging Daniel Murphy ‪#‎NLDS‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬ ‪#‎Mets‬

The Detroit Lions won their first game today. So presumably the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and 2008 Detroit Lions Teams broke open a case of generic beer.

Apparently fire alarms were pulled around 530a on the two floors of the Seattle hotel where the Carolina Panthers were staying. So sounds like the 13th man might be a hotel employee?

Not that it worked to help the Hawks though. Seattle may well not get back to the postseason with their fourth loss and late-blown lead of the season. But they are looking like the undisputed “winner” to fill in the blank of an old joke.
“Whats the difference between the ‘blank’ and a dollar? You can get four quarters out of a dollar.”

Hard to believe watching their game that the ‪#‎Ravens‬ & ‪#‎49ers‬ were in the Super Bowl against each other only three years ago.

The Steelers’ Cam Heyward was fined $5,787 for wearing eye black to honor his late father Craig “Ironhead” Heyward last week, but he chose to wear it again. No doubt the league will fine him again, this sort of thing distracts from all their official approved uniforms available for sale on

In Australia, a man went one year without sex to raise money for charity. Hmm, this could make Silicon Valley the philanthropy capital of the world.

The Orlando Sentinel is reporting on a “marijuana epidemic” in college football. Uh, one, if it’s an epidemic, it’s been going on for decades. And two, “epidemic” generally means those who have symptoms want to be cured.

Michigan’s AD is calling for fans to lay off the punter who fumbled at the end of the game yesterday resulting in a last second MSU game. Makes sense, one, he’s a kid, two, he’s not the one who called plays that in 4 downs couldn’t run 1 minute and 47 seconds off the clock. (Spartans had and used only 1 time out.)

In Chicago, a 6-year-old boy fatally shot his 3-year-old brother playing “cops and robbers.” The father told police he bought the gun to protect his family. So I guess he should have armed the toddler too?

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg.   “Donald Trump claims he would have stopped 9/11. Apparently he would have hired the terrorists and then they would have had to declare bankruptcy.

Slip, sliding away

October 11, 2015

Give Chase Utley‬ credit, during the middle of football season he got a whole lot of U.S. sports fans talking about baseball

Chase Utley suspended for two games. Might be safer than if Don Mattingly had dared to put him at Citifield in New York anyway 

How much more perfect could it be if the NLDS series hero turns out to be Wilmer Flores?

Not surprisingly, Mets fans tend to think Utley’s slide was dirty, Dodgers fans tend to think it was just good hard baseball.  So assume if Mets player injures Dodgers 2nd baseman Howie Kendrick with an Utley-like slide in game 3, LA will have no problem with it?

The ‪#‎Saints‬ may be interested in signing Chase Utley for defense. ‪#‎bettertackling‬

Houston ‪#‎Astros‬ were the lowest seeded team into the 2015 ‪#‎MLBPlayoffs‬. Lowest team in 2014? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

USC has apparently told coach Steve Sarkisian to take a leave of absence. Sort of like much of the Trojans football team has been doing all season?

Oregon’s football team has THREE losses? For some players it’s the first time they’ve had to count that high.

But okay, the Ducks might not even be the most disappointing football team in the Northwest  #SeattleSeahawks.

Apparently an increasing number of Canadians want to build a wall to keep Americans out. Maybe this is Trump’s grand plan. Not to win the presidency but to get the building contract.

Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill saying California schools will no longer be allowed to use “Redskins” as a mascot or team name. Professional teams aren’t mentioned, but, at least this won’t be an issue during the 2016 Super Bowl in Santa Clara.

A man was shot and seriously injured tonight in Arlington, TX, in a parking lot shared by the Rangers and Cowboys. A suspect is in custody with no further details. But just guessing he’s not one of those wacky Blue Jays fans.

Trump clearly is tired of Ben Carson getting all the headlines, saying today 200,000 Syrian migrants coming into the US “‘could make the Trojan horse look like peanuts if these people turned out to be a lot of ISIS”

President Obama said that John Boehner’s departure could worsen Congressional gridlock. You mean it’s possible to go slower than a dead stop?


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