Posted tagged ‘McCain jokes’

Continuing Heat wave?

June 6, 2014

San Antonio says they have fixed the air conditioning after a sweltering game 1 at A T & T Center. Considering the result, have they fixed it at a constant 90 degrees? #Spurs

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Lebron James says “I know I’m the easiest target that we have in sports, I’m aware of it.” And A-Rod responded “Who am I, chopped liver?”

 

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Bud Selig twice referred yesterday to the of the 20014 MLB Draft. 20014? Maybe the commissioner was confused. That’s when his Blue Ribbon Committee will make a decision on the proposed move of the Oakland As..

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Rashad McCants, who as a junior was a member of UNC’s championship men’s basketball team, says that tutors wrote his papers and he took ‘bogus” classes to stay eligible during his three years at the university. Gosh,at least Calipari’s “one-and-dones’ only fake their way through one semester.

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J.Lo and Casper Smart have split up. Wonder if she left him for a younger man?

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John McCain is loudly criticizing President Obama’s deal to release Bowe Bergdahl. Which is particularly interesting considering that Senator McCain himself was part of a POW swap by Richard Nixon. #memoryisthefirstthingtogo

 

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Friday was the 70th anniversary of #DDay, the invasion of Normandy. For many college football players not to be confused with days when they found they barely avoided “F”s in class.

 

An analyst says the New York Knicks could now be worth $3 billion. Could you imagine how much the team might be worth if they could actually make the playoffs?

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A Ghana witch doctor says he put a spell on Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo and caused his thigh injury. Yeah, well if the witch doctor is really good let’s see if he can get Ghana out of the World Cup first round…..

 

 

The first tweet from @CIA -”We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” Waiting for some GOP House member to call this a time wasting exercise and blame it on Obama.

 

A San Antonio area school district is upsetting some parents by banning children from bringing sunscreen to school or on field trips. Sunscreen is considered a toxic substance. Wonder if it’s okay if kids bring something harmless instead, like guns.

(My friend Jeff Klein adds “Tan your Ground.”)

 

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Richard Sherman beat out Cam Newton in online voting at ESPN.com and so will be on the cover of the new “Madden NFL 15″ video game. Which could be good news, for Panthers and 49ers fans.

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A Seattle Pacific University student monitor who pepper-sprayed the gunman and tackled him is being hailed as a hero. Out of habit the NRA responded, “if only he had been armed.”

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Regarding this Super Bowl Arabic-Roman numbering issue, Marty says he’s looking forward to  “World Series CVIII.”

Basebrawl.

April 22, 2014

The Brewers’ Carlos Gomez, talking about a brawl he helped start Sunday against the Pirates, said “Things happen in the game. We know it’s not good for baseball…” Well, on the other hand, how often do national networks show highlights of a Milwaukee-Pittsburgh game?

 

No brawl broke out in Colorado Monday night.    Although stealing second base with a 7 to 1 lead in Coors Field… reasonable. Stealing second base against the current SF Giants with a 7 to 1 lead, grounds for beaning.

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And maybe the SF Giants hitters just need to relax. Since they’re in Colorado can Bruce Bochy put Tim Lincecum on snack duty?

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A 16 year-old boy is lucky to be alive after stowing away in the wheel well of a flight from San Jose, CA to Maui this weekend. The FBI and TSA are trying to figure out how to tighten security. Airlines are trying to figure out if there is any way to charge for flying in the wheel well.

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ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson was arrested for alleged domestic violence over the weekend. Just another guy trying to prove he’s still in NFL form?

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John McCain was on Monday night’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Presumably trying to appeal to his supporters who are up at that hour. Both of them.

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The Knicks today fired Mike Woodson. Wonder who will be the next head coach the team can blame for not contending for an NBA title.

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Neil Young has released a new album “A Letter Home” on vinyl only. Some Millennials are responding “Who’s Neil Young?” Even more are responding “What is ‘vinyl’?”

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Lindsay Lohan says now she recently had a miscarriage. “What a great mother she would have made” said absolutely nobody.

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Sunday, 4/20, was the unofficial National Pot Holiday. Which means a number of folks will be showing up in California parks all week saying “Where is everyone?”

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Truly amazing story of that young man who stowed away in a Hawaiian Airlines wheel well and made it to Maui. Even more amazing, he knocked the search for MH370 off CNN’s front page.

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It takes 16 wins in the playoffs to win the NBA championship. To put that in perspective, 16 wins was last season’s total counting playoffs for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks.

 

According to Fox News Charles Krauthammer said “it is evident the real objective of ObamaCare is to sever the relationship that Americans have now with their private insurance so everyone eventually ends up in in a market essentially controlled by the government.”  As an ex-resident of Canada,  we can only hope…..

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “In Austria, a man walked into a police station and was arrested after he asked to see if he was wanted for arrest. He was. Police have no choice but to incarcerate him and then extradite him to Florida.”

Public and private.

March 15, 2014

Mark Zuckerberg apparently has called President Obama to complain about the U.S. government’s surveillance program. Guess he believes collecting personal data on Americans should be left to the private sector.

 

John McCain said today that the USA providing long-term military assistance to Ukraine is “”the right and decent thing to do.” With all due respect, is there any trouble spot in the world where John McCain doesn’t think providing military assistance is the right thing to do?

 

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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $400 million. The scary thing, as improbable as winning is, the odds are still better than for Warren Buffet’s $1 billion bracket challenge.

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Always seems a bit odd when they introduce NBA players as being from a certain university. When they were at said school for maybe a semester and a half.

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This tells you all you need to know about the NBA Eastern Conference: The Cleveland Cavaliers, 26-40, are only 3 1/2 games out of a playoff spot.

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Hell Freezing Over moment for the week. An athlete being honest about dollars: Steve Nash, responding to those who think he should walk away from the NBA ““The reality is, I’m not going to retire because I want the money.”

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Richard Sherman is now engaged in a Twitter battle with various other cornerbacks. Hard to imagine in retrospect him and Jim Harbaugh in the same locker room…. even harder to imagine anyone else at Stanford getting a word in edgewise.

 

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At this point there are more theories on what happened to that Malaysian plane than there are permutations for filling out March Madness brackets.

 

 

And I’m a “when you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras” kind of gal. But with this Malaysian Airlines plane story we’re running out of potential explanations that aren’t zebras.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf
Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf

Baby shrub?

December 14, 2012

Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is pregnant. So it will be about 2058 when the child first runs for President?   Hope it’s a girl.

 

Former President Bush is so excited about the future grandchild, W”s offered to share with the kid his favorite crayons.

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After Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, John McCain issued a statement saying he “wishes her well.” Of course, Senator McCain may have already forgotten why he was against Rice in the first place.

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Rutgers has suspended men’s basketball coach Mike Rice for 3 games and fined him $50,000 for “inappropriate behavior and language.” In New Jersey? Really?! Something tells me this kind of sanction will never apply to the Governor’s office.

(Maybe Rice took that “Secrets of Great Coaching from Bobby Knight” manual a little too seriously.)

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Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary’s staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job?

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Now that marijuana is legal in their states wonder how many people in Colorado and Washington are excited about today being 12-12-12?

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Josh Hamilton has signed a $125 million, 5 year deal with the Angels. What, were the Dodgers asleep?

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So the Angels signed Josh Hamilton, and the Giants signed Andres Torres. Well, one of those guys has proven he can be part of a World Series winning team.

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Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama’s nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle

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The latest for Lindsay Lohan, she is $16k behind on her storage locker payments, and risks having her possessions put up for auction. Hmm, I see a new reality show: “Celebrity Storage Wars.”

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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, term limited out in 2014, is thinking of a legal challenge so she can run again. So these executive orders she is so fond of that enforce Arizona laws don’t apply to blondes?

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The CALM act, a new law, sponsored by Democrat Anna Eshoo, goes into effect today. It prevents TV commercials from being blared at louder volumes than their accompanying programs. So will Republicans start turning the ads up louder as a protest against government interference?

 

Bode Miller’s wife Morgan is recovering with 50 stitches in her face after her husband hit her with a 160 mph golf tee shot. And Elin Nordegren said “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Monday musings.

October 16, 2011

The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.

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For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.

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Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?

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In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.

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The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?

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ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?

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In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.

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Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.

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Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.

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Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.

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A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.

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Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.

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In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.

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Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?

Race day..

May 29, 2011

Aka, “there’s no NHL playoffs, there’s no NBA playoffs, it’s a holiday weekend so other than baseball so what’s on TV besides CSI reruns?”

 

Both Dale Earnhardt, Jr and J.R.Hildebrand’s cars were sponsored Sunday by the National Guard, whose motto is “Always Ready, Always There.” Well, apparently except for on the last lap.

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How bad are gas prices? Apparently even Dale Earnhardt Jr was tempted into not quite filling the tank today.

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JR Hildebrand has a twitter account. Wonder if his last tweet today was “Wow about 2 win Indy 500…. Oh sh*t”?

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Hildebrand may have lost the Indy 500 with his crash into the wall on the last turn. But he has a potential great opportunity to make a commercial warning kids not to text and drive.

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On Fox News today John McCain said “Of course” Sarah Palin can beat Obama. And millions of Americans breathed a sigh of relief. Had we elected John in 2008 the country would be dealing with a sitting President suffering from at least early stage dementia.

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Scientists have found that near starvation diets make everything from mice to monkeys live longer, and they are speculating that severe calorie restriction might help humans live longer too. Either that or going without ever eating anything bad for you makes every day feel like forever.

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First Trump, now Mitch Daniels. The GOP contenders who have decided not to run for President both say they could have won. Is this an election or a remake of “On the Waterfront?”

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Dallas QB Tony Romo got married Saturday. And to the surprise of many Cowboys fan, he made it through the important ceremony without dropping the ring.

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Wonder if there’s some loophole that would allow USC and Ohio State to compete next year in the “Probation Bowl?”

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Beyond the current penalties for the current team, there are rumors the NCAA may take away USC’s 2004 football National Championship.  The operative word being “may.”  And of course “when?”  Are they waiting until players on that year’s team have children who are of college recruiting age?

Tacky time, again:

May 13, 2011

Tacky time: Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship today after nine holes. Hmm, had he only stopped after nine holes a few years ago, Tiger’s image and marriage might still be intact.

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About that “good pitching beating good hitting” and “good hitting beating good pitching “stuff: 

The San Francisco Giants scored 18 runs on their entire six game home stand. And won all six games against the Rockies and D’Backs. The San Diego Padres scored 19 runs in their last two games, and split one-one with the Brewers.

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Mitt Romney said in a USA Today editorial that his first act as President would be to get rid of ObamaCare. Actually the simplest way to do that would be to rename the program RomneyCare, because it’s so similar to what Mitt did in Massachusetts.

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Uh, regarding this whole Bin Laden death photos controversy: Does anyone really think the U.S. has the power to get Osama’s family (saying this was a “criminal act”), and Al Qaida (vowing revenge), into this conspiracy? Really, faking a moon landing would be easier.

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Former San Francisco Giant Kevin Frandsen was suspended 50 games for testing positive for a PED. But the drug was Ritalin. Considering that over 100 major leaguers have gotten an ADHD diagnosis to LEGALLY take Ritalin, this may have been less a suspension for performance enhancing than for stupidity.

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The Green Bay Packers say they will retire Brett Favre’s number 4 as soon as they are sure their former quarterback has retired. So expect the ceremony sometime around 2025.

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Is it a requirement to run for President as a Republican in 2012 that you have to have an complicated marital history? Apparently Mitch Daniel’s wife, Cheri, actually left her husband, and her four daughters ages 8 to 14, and married another man in California. She returned after a few years, and remarried Daniel’s in 1997.

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Meghan McCain filmed a skin cancer public service announcement in what she said was a “strapless juicy tube dress.” Although it appears as if she is naked. I think we can get bipartisan agreement on being glad that it was Meghan and not her father doing the ad.

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The top Republican on the Senate Armed Services Committees is insisting that enhanced interrogation techniques were not a factor in the discovery of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts….  Next let’s see GOP leaders try to discredit John McCain as a biased liberal.

Tears of a clown?

March 7, 2011

Wonder which P.A. announcer will be the first to play that when the Miami Heat come to town.  (Some Heat players reportedly cried after their loss today to the Chicago Bulls.)

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Four losses in a row for the Miami Heat. Looks like as far as the NBA finals, Lebron might be taking his talents to the ESPN broadcast booth as an analyst.

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And the Heat may not dethrone the Lakers as the NBA champions.  But they have done a solid job of replacing Kobe and company as the most hated team in America.

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A recent Sport Illustrated study found that out of 2837 players on last year’s preseason top 25 college football teams, 204 had criminal records. Besides the obvious public relations issues, for the NFL, don’t all these arrests jeopardize these young men’s amateur status?

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One thing about all these conference championship games. :  Should you really be able to raise the banner next year when all your one-and-done stars aren’t around to see it?

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The new fantasy romance “Beauty” grossed over $10 million this weekend, with an audience that was 78 percent female.    Of the remaining 22 percent, wonder if even 78 total tickets were sold to straight men?

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Costco has started selling wedding dresses at a steep discount.   Presumably in multi-packs that are selling exceptionally well in Utah.

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And Larry King heard this and immediately emailed Costco management to say -”What took you so long?”

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Ah billionaires. At a sports conference someome asked new Warriors owner Joe Lacob a question about bloggers. To which he allegedly answered “They are not real fans, because they don’t have season tickets.” Surprised he didn’t add a criticism about the cake he assumes they are eating too.

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John McCain said Sunday that iPads and iPhones are “built in the United States of America.” And up in Alaska Sarah Palin reportedly chortled “Hah, this time I’m not the stupid one. But quick, someone tell me where they do build the darned things.”

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Best wishes (seriously) to Phil Collins, who is quitting the music business to focus on his health.

On a less serious note, countless music fans are sending their own wishes to Celine Dion, saying “Congratulations. Now don’t you want to enjoy some time off to take care of your twin babies?”

Don’t ask…

November 13, 2010
 (and don’t ask why the font is messed up tonight,  I think it’s gremlins.)
 
Anyway…
 
Cindy McCain has come out publicly in a video supporting gays’ right to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces, while her husband leads the Senate fight to maintain the status quo. Guessing that “What did you do today, honey?” conversations at the dinner table have given way to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”-

This weekend, Americans looking for escapist entertainment can watch a runaway train hurtling straight for disaster. And after the Cowboys game against the Giants, there’s also the movie “Unstoppable.”

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Jerry Jones stated that while he hopes interim coach Jason Garrett does well enough to earn a permanent position with the Cowboys, he had “Super Bowl-winning coaches solicit this job.” Really? I thought it was only NFL players, not sideline staff, who were getting those damaging concussions.

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Brett Favre said the 2011 is definitely his last. Right, and the newly elected Congress will definitely cut spending.

(and the Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl and the 49ers are going to the playoffs, etc…)

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Carnival Cruise Lines may have offer some big discounts next week to entice travelers who might have been scared off by this week’s events. Once they figure out what to title the promotion. Already vetoed – “Fire sale.”

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Former President Clinton gave up a thumbs up review to George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points,” and says everyone should read it. Of course Bill figures then that Americans will miss him more than ever.

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The Miami Heat, despite the presence of Lebron James and his friends Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, are only 5-4, which puts them on track to be one of the most over-hyped and over-rated teams of all time. Now all they need is to change their uniform to include pinstripes.

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Okay women friends and readers, how do you like this quote? It’s from David Lee, who plays basketball for the Golden State Warriors, about his infected elbow that will need surgery? “I know, I know, it’s an elbow scratch, but I was in the worst pain of my life, Now I know what it feels like to give birth”

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“Dancing With the Stars” Judge Carrie Ann Inaba told People magazine that she has a theory why the young woman, who is a relatively mediocre dancer, is in the semi-finals. 

Inaba stated  “Bristol Palin is somebody that I think most of Middle America and regular people can relate to. She is a regular girl with normal problems and issues” and as a result, people can see themselves in her.

Yeah, exactly, regular people get pregnant at 16, have their mom run for national office and have their engagement/breakup/engagement/breakup documented in exclusive interviews with major magazines.  I can see how Middle America would relate.

And don’t all teen moms have day care available anytime they want to give interviews, make speeches and go on reality shows??

 

   

 

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Boise State has a string of three nationally televised Friday night games in a row.  Tonight the Broncos destroyed Idaho 52-14, next week they take on Fresno State, and the following week Nevada.

Not that Boise State isn’t a good team, but shouldn’t this series of games be referred to as “Friday Night Lightweights.

The NCAA and other amateurs…

April 23, 2010

The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn’t likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play.

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High school star Marquis Teague, ranked as the #2 high school prospect in the class of 2011, verbally committed to the University of Kentucky. And presumably to the NBA draft class of 2012.

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Many Colorado sports fans can’t decide which is more disappointing – the Avalanche’s play in their 5-0 loss against the Sharks tonight, or the Broncos taking Tim Tebow in the first round?

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Despite both Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen being available, the Minnesota Vikings passed on the opportunity to take a star quarterback in the first round. What a shame – either one of them could have understudied under Favre and taken over the offense when Brett finally retires in 5-10 years.

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How bad has the SF Giants’ offense been in the past week? Put it this way, there was more scoring when guys who waited in line for hours for their copy of Avatar last night went out afterwards to hit the singles bars.

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A hand-written witness’s account of the 1881 “Gunfight at the OK Corral” was just discovered in an Arizona court’s storage room. Along with some of the contents of the dead men’s pockets. Rumor has it the find included a priceless rookie card for Jamie Moyer.

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Northwestern and Illinois will play a Big Ten football game at Wrigley Field on November 20. Chicago sports fans are thrilled. It will be the first time in recent memory a meaningful game will be played at Wrigley after Labor Day.

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60 passengers aboard the Carnival Ecstasy suffered minor injuries when the ship suddenly listed to the right to avoid a partially submerged buoy. The ship’s crew said they couldn’t remember the ship tilting like that since the last time someone announced “free rum punch on deck on the starboard side.”

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The NCAA men’s basketball tournament officially expanded from 65 to 68 teams. Which means that next March, we can count on several teams who consider themselves the 69th best team in the country to complain they were shafted by the committee.

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The Pittsburgh Pirates lost a game to the Milwaukee Brewers Thursday 20-0. Yes, twenty to zero. Thereby assuring that for at least one day this month the most embarrassing sports story in town was not Ben Roethlisberger.

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from my funny friend Jim Barach:

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy.

After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn’t shoot a dog.

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In support of Arizona’s new immigration law, which will allow police officers to interrogate anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant, John McCain talked about “the drivers of cars with illegals intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

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If causing accidents on the freeway is grounds for arrest and or deportation, can Florida and Arizona also extend that to cover “snowbirds?”

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And so regarding this “anyone they suspect of being illegal” rule – hmm, so what does this mean for residents with British accents…
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We’ll see how the new law is enforced. But if police officers choose to follow it tightly, future interleague games may see the Yankees pitching staff opt out en masse.

California dreaming…

March 26, 2010

Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh actually tweeted this “I realize I’ve never had one. When we win the Rose Bowl I’m going to treat the team and myself to a DQ banana split. Wonder how long it will take the NCAA to investigate this as a possible illegal player payment program.

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Sarah Palin is actually going to host a show featuring Alaska wildlife. No word on whether it will be fried, roasted, or barbecued.

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How trashed are most Americans’ NCAA tournament brackets? Worker productivity for the last week in March is at an all time high.
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We may never know for sure what exactly happened between Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his latest accuser. But it does seem likely that Ben’s “dating skills” are never going to get him invited to be a contestant on “the Bachelor.”

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In 1928, Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented the bread slicer. So what did they say it was the greatest thing since…?

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John McCain is really upset about the passage of the healthcare bill by the Democrats. In fact, he made the following statement on behalf of his fellow Republicans “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year.”

Yes John, and your point is…?

(If he really does believe what he said that could settle it, McCain really was too senile to be elected President.)

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Speaking of old, Sir Elton John turned 63 on Thursday. He can still sing “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” but now it’s because he can’t remember the way back.

And Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith turns 62 today. In his honor, the “Rock and Roll Coaster” at Disney World, which is a high speed ride in fake convertible cars themed to Aerosmith songs, will mostly operate as normal. But the cars will go through the turns and loops with their left blinkers on.

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Pope Benedict XVI has been accused of, (back while he was still Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger), helping to stop an investigation of a Wisconsin priest accused of molesting over 200 deaf boys. This is the most embarrassing story to hit the Vatican since last week

Bomb scare….

August 3, 2009

Flights from La Guardia were delayed when a bomb was reportedly found in the airport. But it was a false alarm. Turns out “Land of the Lost” won’t even be out on DVD for months.

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The Post Office is considering closing over 700 branches. The list was sent today to the Postal Regulatory Commission by email.

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The state of Michigan is willing to house Guantanamo Bay prisoners. Not only do they have unused maximum security prison facilities, the state has a surefire way to keep the toughest prisoners in line – threatening to show them Detroit Lions game tapes.

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This is a repeat, but a timely one.

Did you hear about the Plaxico Burress cocktail? Just one very expensive shot.

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It looks like Michael Jackson may have died because of a strong sleep inducing drug prescribed by his doctor. This tragedy could have been averted, had they only known of Jackson’s insomnia, the White House could have sent over some Joe Biden tapes.

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Senator John McCain has announced he will not vote for Sonia Sotomayer as he does not believe she is qualified to be a Surpreme Court judge. Well, and who could question McCain’s qualifications for choosing competent women?

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McCain has apparently fallen in love with Twitter. Maybe the real reason he is against the nomination is that “Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor” takes up too many characters?

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Another comment on the Gates-Crowley story, from the very funny Alex Kaseberg.
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You know guys are going to take this concept and run with it. “No, honey, I’m not drinking with the boys, I am involved in an important beer summit.”

The All-Star game and other jokes.

July 14, 2009

You have to love Bud Selig’s idea to have the winner of the All Star game get home field advantage in the World Series.. Which means, had Roy Halladay been the losing pitcher after giving up three runs in the second, and he gets traded to say, the Phillies, his loss could have given home field to his new team.

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Most of the players said that meeting President Obama was a highlight of the All-Star experience. Tim Wakefield said it was almost as exciting as the time he shook hands with President Lincoln.

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President Obama actually got his ceremonial first pitch over the plate. Which meant he already has a post-presidency offer to join the Nationals bullpen.

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Another joke inspired by Jerry Perisho, who noted that this week was the anniversary of the premiere of Northern Exposure. Which as he notes, was prescient, being a “wacky sitcom that took place in Alaska.”

There’s actually reportedly going to be a new show featuring Sarah Palin. The working title – “Northern Over Exposure.”

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According to a recent poll, a majority of Republicans now say that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country?

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Male readers of this blog might want to skip the next joke.

On last night’s Bachelorette episode, Jillian decided to spend a night alone in the “Fantasy Suite” with each of the three remaining bachelors. Soon to be following the Bachelorette – “Mamma Mia, the sequel.”

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Researchers have found that apparently survivors of the 1918 flu pandemic are immune to the current swine flu. And here many 2008 voters were actually worried about the health of Senator John McCain.

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Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle came up with a list of All-Star events he would rather see. Like spitting contests, cliche slinging, headhunting (pitchers trying to damage plaster statues of hitters), etc. He also thought his wife would watch a Celebrity Home Run Derby.

Here’s a few more suggestions for contests I’d like see at the All Star Game.

Best PED excuse. That “tainted supplement” is so last year. Ditto any relative or teammate giving you something you didn’t realize was loaded. And Manny has basically retired the fertility issue.

Swimsuit competition. Now THEN women would watch. As long as the competition is more Derek Jeter, Joe Mauer and Carl Crawford and less Prince Fielder, Chad Billingsley and Heath Bell

The Tantrum Derby. Who cares about Home Runs anymore? I want to see how far someone can throw a base. Or a Gatorade cooler.

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And finally, from Bill Littlejohn:

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have apparently split up.Fortunately for Romo, he signed a pre-numbskull agreement”


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