Posted tagged ‘Marlins jokes’

Men and women at work.

November 16, 2012

Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.

 

In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.

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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.

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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?

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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?

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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?

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U.S.  Tennessee Rep.  Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a  “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions.  This is a man who on his website said:  “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”

Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.

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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?

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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”

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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.

 

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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.

 

 

From T.C.   A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.

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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….

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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?

Scariest place in the world?

September 8, 2011

Just might be in a room standing between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and the only blow dryer.

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Tonight’s GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight’s crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal.

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Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens’ hairdressers.

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Didn’t we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife.

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Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it.

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I admit Nancy Pelosi looks like she overdosed on Botox. But Michele Bachman, who is 55, isn’t far behind.

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And in all the potential bets and drinking games, who had Rick Perry praising former Massachusetts Governor Dukakis – telling Romney that “Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,”

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The White House doesn’t release information on the President’s television viewing habits, but seems likely that if Obama was sitting down watching the debate, he had more fun tonight than he has in months.

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Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12.

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Is this really the best headline they could have written – on the CNN political ticker? “Christie gets big job.”

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Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton said he was surprised to get a phone call this week from Michael Vick. Surprised I guess because he figured Vick would have called his dad.

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In San Jose, California, police officers cited three women working in a Vietnamese coffee shop who they said were serving patrons while topless. Sort of puts a new spin on “short,” “extra hot,” and “grande.”

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‎32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s

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Justin Verlander won his 22nd game today, despite giving up 4 earned runs in 6 innings, as the Tigers beat the Indians 8-6. SF Giants management immediately faxed weather reports on average summer temperatures and humidity in Detroit to their entire starting pitching staff.

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The Florida Marlins’ new stadium, scheduled to open in 2012, is 80 percent completed. The team is so excited they are considering offering a sneak preview tour to both season ticket holders.

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The SEC voted to accept Texas A&M, but the deal won’t be official until all Big 12 schools have promised not to take legal action. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when the drama in college football was actually on the field.

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Travel example in the “You can’t make this stuff up” category: A client asked me to find a hotel near her boss’s meeting in New York. Said sure, but where was the meeting? She gave me the address on Broadway, then added “It’s on the 17th floor.”

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From Augie, in response to my post saying that W. asked Cheney what a “mea culpa” was.

He thinks that Cheney responded “Mea culpa runneth over with your stupid questions.”

The second coming?

August 26, 2011

First an earthquake, now an oncoming hurricane. The headline for this week in D.C. might be “God is coming and She is pissed.”

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Irene may actually end up staying at hurricane force through much of New England. Which means it’s a good thing neither Rick Perry nor Mitt Romney have outdoor events scheduled in the Northeast this weekend.

Otherwise it could be tragic, both of them might need to publicly comb their hair.

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Keppinger, Sandoval and Belt are the exceptions. But otherwise with the SF Giants’ lineup they might as well rename A T and T Park to Jurassic Park. Because it houses a bunch of dinosaurs.

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Here’s a story that everyone but Yankees fans will enjoy. Star pitcher Jared Weaver signed a contract to stay with the Angels for the “discounted” price of $85 million over five years. When he could have had well over $100 million as a free agent. Weaver’s explanation “If $85 [million] is not enough to take care of my family and other generations of families, then I’m pretty stupid.”

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Looks like Danica Patrick is finally making the move from Indy cars to NASCAR. Another step towards broadening her claim to being the Anna Kournikova of car racing.

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Fred Couples has decided to add Tiger Woods to the 12-man President’s Cup team, saying “He’s the best player in the world forever.”

In related news, Brett Favre asked Couples if he’d consider being on the Pro Bowl selection committee.

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In case anyone still has any doubt that it’s all about winning, note the fact that there seems to be more criticism about Tim Tebow as an NFL quarterback, than about Michael Vick.

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This story’s not getting better. Now a witness says she saw LSU starting QB Jordan Jefferson kick someone in the face during a bar fight that injured four people last week. Maybe Jefferson’s trying to get his felonies out of the way BEFORE he joins the NFL?

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Sarah Palin issued a statement criticizing the media speculation regarding her intentions about the presidential race. Karl Rove responded by accusing Palin of having “thin skin.” Really? Next Rove will observe that President Obama might be black.

GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said in N.H this week this young people should study harder, and learn that esteem comes from “living with integrity and getting married before they have kids.” Well, if Romney gets the nomination, at least Americans probably don’t have to worry about another V.P. run from Sarah Palin.

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In the category of “You might be white trash if…” A couple was arrested in Pennsylvania for allegedly shoplifting more than $1,000 in food from a supermarket for their wedding reception that afternoon. (Have to wonder, what were the guests told when they showed up?)

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From Bill Littlejohn: Only 347 people showed up for the first game of the doubleheader between the Marlins and the Reds at Sun Life Stadium.In fact, Libyan rebels were seen searching the upper centerfield bleachers for Moammar Gadhafi”

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But really, 347 fans? Really? This isn’t a major league baseball ballpark, it’s a witness protection program.

No country for old men, but a clubhouse….

June 20, 2011

The Florida Marlins hired former coach Jack McKeon, 80, as their interim coach. Makes a certain amount of sense – with seven NL teams batting under .250, McKeon at least has experience managing in a dead ball era.

(my friend Marty Burwell suggests, since McKeon is 80,  “insert dead ball jokes here.”

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Some think McKeon at 80 might be out of touch with today’s players. But really, don’t most young people get along better with their grandparents than their parents?

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And McKeon is apparently willing to change with the times.  He’s planning to change the phones in the clubhouse from rotary dial to touchtone.

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He’s also said as long as they keep the volume at a reasonable level,  he’s okay with players bringing in their personal CD players and boom boxes into the clubhouse.

(Yes, these could go on forever, but anyone reading should feel free to add “How old is Jack McKeon?” jokes in comments.)

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McKeon’s first move?  Seeing if he can pick up any mid-season pitching help.  Apparently he’s already talked to the Phillies to ask how that nice young man Jamie Moyer is doing after Tommy John surgery.

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Meanwhile, in the NFL, owners and players are alike are watching the McKeon story, and thinking “Okay, nobody tell Brett Favre about this.”

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Miss California was crowned Miss USA tonight, with this answer about medical marijuana – “I’m not sure if it should be legalized, if it would really affect, with the drug war. I mean, it’s abused today, unfortunately, so that’s the only reason why I would kind of be a little bit against it, but medically it’s OK.” Sounds like she has a great future in politics.

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Talk about things being darkest before the dawn:  Before this weekend Rory McIlroy was best known to American golf fans as the guy who shot the worst final round EVER when leading the Masters after three rounds. (For non-golf fans, he had a four shot lead, shot an 80, and ended up tied for 15  in April of this year .)

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An ESPN.com article is titled “How the Heat Can Improve Next Season.” May I suggest duct tape. For their mouths.


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