Posted tagged ‘Manning jokes’

Weather or not?

February 2, 2014

Not too long ago the NFL was worried that the Super Bowl might have to be postponed for bad weather. Alas for the Broncos, it wasn’t..

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Most unhappy people in America who aren’t Broncos fans have to be advertisers who paid $4 million for a 30 second Super Bowl spot in the fourth quarter.

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Maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t have gotten tips about playing in MetLife Stadium from his brother Eli?

 

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So was it during the Bruno Mars halftime show that the Denver Broncos 2014 Super Bowl championship shirts were first loaded on planes destined for children in Africa.

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No “I’m going to Disneyland” ad after this year’s Super Bowl. Maybe because Disney knew early on that the real Mickey Mouse outfit this year was the Broncos?

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In this year’s Super Bowl, Peyton Manning’s #Omaha is less reminiscent of the city than of June 6, 1944 on Omaha Beach. 

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On a bright note, so much for the argument in millions of homes on the East Coast as to whether or not at 9pm to turn to Downton Abbey.

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At this point will the Denver offense be charged with a crime if they try to sell game-used jerseys? #SuperBowl

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Not only was the  Kitten Bowl no sillier than the regular Super Bowl pregame show, the game had more drama.  

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A stupid question deserves a stupider answer? When asked if it was a “must-win game”, Stanford grad Doug Baldwin responded “Obviously it’s the Super Bowl. It’s win or go home….”

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The NFL may have dodged a bullet on the weather, and Giants co-owner John Mara, who helped bring the Super Bowl to the New York area, is already talking the game returning to New York. Think there’s more chance of the World Series trophy returning to Wrigley Field.

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From my funny friend Abbe Nelson:   “Q: Did you hear about the joke that Peyton Manning told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.”

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And not sure who gets credit for originally posting this.  But if you don’t live in Denver it’s pretty darn funny.

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A few non- Super Bowl thoughts-

A small Minnesota was testing beer delivery by drone to ice fisherman. When the FAA heard about it, they told Lakemaid brewery to stop. But millions of men reading this story just got a warmer, fuzzier feeling about drones.

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Paul Ryan, Bobby Jindal and Rudy Giulani all defended Chris Christie on Sunday morning talk shows. Of course, had Rahm Emanuel allegedly caused traffic problems in Chicago to get even with a rival, they’d be calling for his, and Obama’s, impeachment.

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Theaters these days all have these cutesy trailers telling people not to text during the movie. Wouldn’t it be more effective to put a headline on screen about the man who was shot and killed for texting in a Florida theater, with a note underneath saying “Btw, we don’t have a metal detector at the door.”

Short fall

January 30, 2014

The city of  Atlanta must be run by men. Who else could get into so much trouble over just a few inches?

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USA Today headline “Atlanta’s ability to handle winter storms questioned.” What was their first clue?

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Hugh Grant apparently fathered a son with a Swedish woman in September 2012, only three months before his girlfriend gave birth to their second child. As Hugh will now learn, hiring a prostitute is often the cheapest way to pay for sex.

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((To be fair, Grant played the Prime Minister in “Love Actually. ” Maybe he’s just decided he wants to run for Governor of California.)

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George Zimmerman reportedly is trying to find someone to fight him in a celebrity boxing match for charity? Uh, has someone told Zimmerman he’s not allowed to bring a gun for when he starts losing?

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Former Ravens and Bears LB Brendon Ayanbadejo says his some of his teammates smoked marijuana the week before of one of his two Super Bowls. Gosh. Next thing you know someone will claim pot was smoked before an NBA final.

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New York Bill de Blasio says he will not attend the Super Bowl and will watch at home with his teenage son. Some say it’s to keep his middle-class image alive. I’m thinking it’s just that de Blasio is just too smart to spend all that time sitting out in the cold.

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If the Broncos win the Super Bowl how long will it take toy stuffed “Touchdown Ducks” to be available? 

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Not to be outdone, in Dallas, “Interception Ducks” may be available.

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NY Giants QB Eli Manning has been accused of selling fake “game-worn” Super Bowl jerseys and other memorabilia in order to keep the originals for himself. Well, at least this is one problem that will never befall Tony Romo.

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A number of men are thinking “Darn, how do I top this?” after a video of a mom opening a present from her son has gone viral. The present? Super Bowl tickets for her beloved Seahawks. At least that’s one thing Redskins fans don’t have to worry about.

(for above jokes, substitute Browns, Raiders, or even Cowboys if you want. For starters.)

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Colin Kaepernick, interviewed in NY, said that Sherman’s comments were “ridiculous.” And added “If I throw that ball one foot farther, it’s a TD and now you’re the goat, Richard Sherman.” So how quickly is the NFL moving to get the the 49ers-Seahawks next year on SNF and MNF? #ratings

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The Feds will seek the death penalty for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 20, in the Boston Marathon bombing. I understand the reasons but there’s still something bizarre about spending millions of medical dollars to save someone’s life in order to spend millions more on a trial to try to execute him.

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From T.C.   “Happy Chinese New Year of the Horse to those who celebrate it. Coincidentally, Canada welcomes Royal visitors Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla this year.”

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Apparently Stanford football coach David Shaw. competing with Notre Dame amongst others, was unable due to this week’s storm to visit star recruit Terrence Alexander at home in New Orleans. Frustrating, but wouldn’t Shaw have done fine just to send the kid a report on the 70 something degree weather this week in Palo Alto?

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And tired of the same old pre-Super Bowl hype,  Maybe time to watch, or rewatch, Peyton Manning’s SNL United Way commercial

Not dead, sleeping?

January 13, 2013

There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U.S Congress.

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So how did the Broncos somehow snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory tonight? Is it just possible that maybe God doesn’t want Tim Tebow disrespected?

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A New York City school bus strike could start Wednesday and might keep 152,000 children from getting to class. Talk about a way to turn impressionable young minds into union sympathizers.

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So after almost a month of post-season football I’m confused, which playoff game is sponsored by Poulan Weed-Eater?

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Just once would like to see a defensive player flagged for pass interference indicate “Yeah, you caught me” as opposed to the injured innocence “Who, me?” -
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Even Doug Flutie is thinking that Flacco pass  was unbelievable.Beyonce apparently is now releasing a sonogram of her pregnancy with Blue Ivy. Enough to make you long for the innocent old days of wardrobe malfunctions.
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Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don’t want to be known as “loveable losers.” So he’s going to have them stop being loveable?
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Wells Fargo posted a record profit in its 2012 fourth quarter. You know what that means- banking fees are going up.
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford’s ex-wife Jenny. Now there’s a debate I’d pay to watch.
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The Toronto Blue Jays have signed catcher Henry Blanco, 41 to a 1-year $750,000 non-guaranteed contract. “Only one year? Give the young man some time to develop,” said Jamie Moyer.
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So who did Peyton Manning think he was at the end near the end of that Ravens-Broncos game?  Brett Favre?
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The White House has responded to petitions from Americans in several states asking permission to secede, saying the Supreme Court confirmed the “Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an indestructible Union composed of indestructible States.” In short, “no”. But really, would it kill us to lose Florida?
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Gary M. on the Kobe-Vanessa Bryant reconciliation – “They likely just sat down and hashed everything out over a couple of DeBeers.”

Grounded.

March 10, 2012

Last month a toddler got her entire family kicked off a JetBlue flight because she was throwing a tantrum and wouldn’t fasten her seat belt. The child’s mother said ” I would probably try to avoid JetBlue in the future.” Hearing the story, about a million other people said “How can I start flying JetBlue in future?

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Television cameras followed Peyton Manning’s visit to Denver, tracking both the private plane the team sent and the SUV that took him to meet with John Elway at headquarters. If Manning signs this may become the second most famous chase involving a white Bronco.

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Linebacker D.J. Williams, one of three Denver Broncos suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, is claiming his sample was mishandled and compromised. So after Ryan Braun got off on the same technicality, the winning pick for those in the “next to try that excuse” pool is 12 days.

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Mitt Romney today in Alabama, I’m ‘kinda’ a politician. As in I’ll be whatever kind a you want me to be.

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Friend sent me this one, I didn’t write it but…

“A liberal, a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar and the Bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. Romney?”

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According to the L.A. Times, Mary Brown, the lead plaintiff in the legal case against the Affordable Care Act filed for bankruptcy due to her uninsured husband’s medical debts. And she is still against Obama Care. Sure, why force Americans to buy insurance when they can just walk away from their debt with bankruptcy?

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The U.S. economy added 227,000 jobs in February. Wow. Considering that this weekend is March Madness selection Sunday, that’s probably over 100,000 new employees neglecting their work next week.

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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet” dept: Facebook suggested 2 women might want to be friends, as they were “mutual friends” with a Tacoma, WA man. Turns out they were both married to him. (The man has been charged with bigamy with possible 1 year jail sentence. Which might be more pleasant now than being at either home.)

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“Big Bang Theory” star Kunal Nayyar married a former Miss India in Delhi in a wedding celebration that lasted over six days. Let’s hope the Kardashians don’t find out about this, Kim’s next wedding could last longer than her next marriage.

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Campaigning in Mississippi, Mitt Romney told a crowd that “I am learning to say y’all, and I like grits and things.” What’s next, saying that on his next family vacation he will put a Confederate flag on the dog carrier on the roof of his car?

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In Alabama, Mitt Romney is cheerfully rtalking about his new fondness for grits. (This morning he said he had “cheesy grits” for breakfast.) Shame he’s not traveling to Hawaii for their primary Tuesday. I’d love to hear Mitt say he loves poi with a straight face.

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Illinois fired Bruce Weber Friday, after the Illini posted a 17-15 record this season. And Washington Wizards fans said “What, the school has something against overachievers?”

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The Washington Redskins have apparently agreed to trade three first-round draft picks and a second round pick to the St. Louis Rams in exchange for the second pick in this year’s draft. In related news, Robert Griffin III has just asked Baylor if it’s too late to return for his final year of eligibility.

Hard knocks?

March 9, 2012

San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers just enthusiastically endorsed Rick Santorum for President. The NFL is reviewing tapes to see if the Saints or any other team gave him a particularly hard hit to the head.

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Mitt Romney said in an Alabama radio interview that the state’s upcoming primary is “a bit of an away game.” Right, but to put it in real Alabama football terms, considering the amount of money Mitt has spent (more than his opponents combined), it’s like an away game for the Crimson Tide against U Mass.

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Cindy McCain ripped the movie “Game Change” because, amongst other things, “my husband is way cuter than Ed Harris.” And we thought John was the McCain who was getting old and amongst other things, losing his eyesight.

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As pundits discuss the possible teams interested in Peyton Manning, have to wonder, had a certain four-game losing streak continued, would one of those teams had been his brother’s NY Giants?

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The feds are investigating the Auburn’s mens’ basketball team for alleged point shaving. Shocking. An investigation into the SEC and football is not involved?

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Peyton Manning said he will make a decision about 2012 within a week. “You can do that?” responded Brett Favre.

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Some are wondering why Sarah Palin is backing Newt Gingrich. One possible reason? He makes her look stable.

(Augie says, maybe she’s vying to be his fourth wife?)

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Taco Bell has just announced their nationwide rollout of the “Doritos Locos Taco” – a taco inside a shell that is basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito. But hey, for the health conscious, the “Supreme” version comes with reduced-fat sour cream.

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Meanwhile, Coca Cola is adjusting its caramel color. Because “4-MEI”,, part of the current formula is on a California list of additives that will soon require a cancer warning label. So this is good news for all the health-food fans who guzzle Coke.

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Jonathan Papelbon told a Philadelphia radio station that Phillies fans “tend to know the game a little better” than fans in Boston. Well, all those folks who printed up the “Johnny Damon is Judas” t-shirts will be getting out the silk screens again.

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The Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard is indicating that if he gets traded, he wants to be “the guy” on whatever team he ends up on. Uh, only one problem Dwight, as Lebron might tell you, when a team has just one “guy” they usually end up watching most of the playoffs at home.

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Michelle Bachmann claims the outrage over Rush Limbaugh’s comments is hypocritical and just because he is a conservative. Well, liberals may be overly gleeful about the controversy, but imagine the reaction if Jon Stewart referred to a promiment GOP woman or her daughter as a “slut.”

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Before he died, Andrew Breitbart claimed he had an incendiary video that could take down President Obama. The 1991 video show Obama speaking at a peaceful Harvard rally about tenuring black professors. College students protest? Gosh. And where was the outrage about Romney at Stanford protesting in favor of the Vietnam War?

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On the other hand, solar flares are hitting the Earth today, with possible disruptions to communications systems and power grids. It’s all Obama’s fault.

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These days, Mitt Romney is almost hoping someone has a scandalous video of him. Might help his image. Something racy like having a beer, or dancing, or kissing a girl in college..

And okay readers, let’s make this an interactive post. What would be a scandalous video for Mittens? Other friends’ suggestions have been, going out without hair gel, shopping at Walmart, or having a double latte at Starbucks (Mormons are not supposed to drink caffeine.)


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