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Collinsanity?

April 29, 2013

Congrats to Jason Collins for his decision.  While  most Americans knew this day was coming for some male athletes , someone had to say  “It’s me”  instead of  “me, too.”

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And okay, there’s a first time for everything.  Kudos to Kobe Bryant.  For being one of the first players to tweet support.

(any regular or even semi-regular reader knows I am NOT usually a Kobe fan.)

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So far mostly positive reaction from NBA players to Jason Collins’ coming out as gay. And hope those who might condemn him as going against their Christian ideal of heterosexual monogamy, have realized they’ve already survived having teammates with several baby mamas.

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From Gary Bachman:   “Breaking news: a male professional ice skater has come out that he is straight.”

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Hope someone signs Jason Collins asap and that he gets a lot of standing ovations when introduced in 2013. #Collinsanity

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To be fair, Jason Collins already has known what it’s like to face public embarrassment.  He spent last season with the Washington Wizards.

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Thinking after this season a whole lot of NBA players now might rather have Jason Collins on their team than Dwight Howard.

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Another nice thing about the Jason Collins story. Knocked the NFL right off the front page. Had the league known he was coming out today, wonder if they’d have asked the Jets to wait a day to release Tim Tebow?

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And the best thing about Jason Collins’ announcement for Los Angeles basketball fans: It knocks the Lakers’ abysmal performance in the postseason right out of the sports headlines.

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President Obama called Jason Collins “to express his support and said he was impressed by his courage.” Part of Barack’s continuing effort to make Rush Limbaugh’s head explode. Oh wait, Rush had Elton John sing at his last wedding. Never mind….

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The NBA relocation committee has voted unanimously to keep the Sacramento Kings from relocating to Seattle. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “Take our Lakers, please.”

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S&P 500 had a record close today, and Nasdaq is at its highest level in more than 12 years. I blame Obama.

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Metta World Peace defending Dwight Howard. “I think we (the Lakers) put a little too much pressure on Dwight.” Gosh, did they take away Howard’s blankee too?

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So in response to a debate question about his vote to impeach Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford tonight responded “Do you think that President Clinton should be condemned for the rest of his life for a mistake he made?” Uh, Mr. Sanford, the point is that YOU thought the answer to that question was “yes.”

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The #NYJets released #TimTebow today. Can’t wait to see the press conference when Mark Sanchez fumbles his response.

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Cleanliness is next to impossible?

April 28, 2013

Greg Norman said that golf’s lack of anti-doping procedures is “disgraceful” “They’re putting a black eye on their sport. If a sport gets itself clean, the corporate dollars will always be there because people will know it’s a sport they can trust.”

Right, so then golf can be a “clean” corporate sport  like the NFL. Where a drug suspension will still give you time to get back for the Pro Bowl.

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“Nasty, brutish and short.” The title of a documentary about the Los Angeles Lakers in the 2014 postseason?

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Apparently Homeland Security, looking for money to bolster security, is asking for a feasibility stuff about charging visitors from Canada to enter the U.S. Right, so we have more protection from all those dangerous Canadians.

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The Big Ten has voted to realign in 2014 with new conference divisions “East” and “West.” So “Legends” and “Leaders” will be gone. “We’ll really miss them” said absolutely nobody.

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John McCain is now suggesting that the Syrian people would “take revenge” on the U.S if we don’t attack to oust Assad. Right, as opposed to all the countries where people will take revenge on us because we DID get involved in their internal politics.

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The NFL draft is over. So how will the league steal headlines from MLB and the NBA now?

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The Rolling Stones are about to kick off yet another farewell tour. Wonder if Mick and company plan to open their concerts with “Shuffling Jack Flash?”

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Will the subtitle of the band’s latest tour be “Stone Age?”

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Dwight Howard got himself ejected in the third quarter of the Lakers’ loss to the Spurs tonight. But if the ref really wanted to punish Howard, he should have made him stay and play till the end of the rout.

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So what was the difference between the Magic and the Lakers this year?  About a week.

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Tweets and twits.

April 28, 2013

(Belated post that should have been posted last Wednesday…. better late than never?)

 

Controversy over all the tweets Kobe Bryant sent during game 1 of the Los Angeles-San Antonio series… Apparently he missed being part of the team. No worries, with the next week of the NBA playoffs, Kobe and his Lakers teammates will all be able to sit and tweet together.

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Anthony Weiner, hoping to ride the road to redemption all the way to New York’s mayoral office, said today there MIGHT be more sexts out there. “If reporters want to go try to find more, I can’t say that they’re not going to be able to find another picture or find another person…” Who does Weiner think he is, Tiger Woods?‘

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One of those lovely moments reminding us why baseball is the best sport tonight. (And not just because the Dodgers lost). The final, at Citi Field, was NY Mets 7, LA Dodgers 3. In 10 innings. Which means baseball fans instantly KNOW what the game winning hit was.

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Mike Shanahan said that from now on RGIII “never plays if he’s not 100 percent.” So does this mean Griffin is retiring after the season opener?

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Capital One Financial Corp. is paying $3.5 million to settle federal civil charges of underreporting losses on auto loans in 2007. What does that mean? Credit card fees are going up.

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Don’t look now, but the 2013 Houston Astros, this year’s favorite baseball punchline, now have one more win than the Chicago Cubs.

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Orlando Predators QB Kyle Rowley was arrested for DUI after he was allegedly found “passed out” in an parked SUV at 5am at an Orlando apartment complex entrance. Is the the Arena Football League star’s way of telling the world he thinks he’s NFL ready?

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Star guard Russ Smith is staying at Louisville aiming to become his family’s first college graduate. Apparently after talking with coach Rick Pitino about his pro prospects, Smith decided his game needed more development.” What’s that T.S. Eliot line about “the right thing for the wrong reason?

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David Petraeus will become a visiting professor this fall at Macaulay honors college at the City University of New York. So after the biography mess, he decided to take a position where there’s no chance of getting involved with starry-eyed young women?

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Will the George W. Bush library be the first library to open without any books?

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Three people were burned when two barges loaded with natural gas on Alabama’s Mobile River apparently exploded tonight. On the brighter side, this happened near where the disabled Carnival Triumph is dry docked, so it gave CNN reporters something to do.

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Nerd prom?

April 28, 2013

Last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Obama joked “”These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” And over at Fox News, they’re saying “See, he admits it.”

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Sarah Palin slammed the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “pathetic” and bashed the “DC assclowns” who showed up for a “nerdprom.” Translation, this year nobody invited her.

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In the 5th round of the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks selected LSU CB Tharold Simon, just two days after Simon’s arrest on disorderly conduct type charges. Guess Pete Carroll figures he should be able to handle petty criminal behavior after all those years at USC.

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You think you have a rough year at work in front of you? How about Miriam Conrad, 56, a longtime Boston public defender, who just agreed to represent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev..

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Wow, just what Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib wanted to hear from GM Jerry Reese after the NY Giants drafted him. “We have Eli in the prime of his career and you actually hope this quarterback (Nassib) never plays. We hope Eli plays for a long, long time.’’

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Matt Barkley to the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, with Zach Ertz also chosen by the team, at least the practice field should be an interesting place on the day of the USC-Stanford game.

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Hooters restaurants are trying to make themselves over as the restaurant chain hits 30. Guess management thinks things have gotten a little saggy.

 

-If the San Francisco Giants keep up their streak of errors that result in losses, think the club will have to add asterisks when they sell and auction off those so-called “game-used gloves.”

 

Former SF Giant Jonathan Sanchez was fined and suspended for six games after hitting the St. Louis Cardinals” Allen Craig with a pitch Friday. The suspension might have been longer, but those who have followed Sanchez’s career found it hard to decide absolutely that the lefty has the control to deliberately hit anybody.

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Now Metta World Peace is likely out for game 4. Will the last member of the Los Angeles Lakers to leave Staples Center please leave the lights on for the Clippers?

 

Before the Lakers head off into the sunset, this thought from Bill Littlejohn: “Dwight Howard got his 9,000th rebound, 14 days faster than Wilt Chamberlain. By the way, Wilt’s 9,000th rebound was a Knicks cheerleader recently dumped by her boyfriend.”

 

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Todd Akin, asked about his “legitimate rate” comment that cost him re-election, said “Of course you regret it. You think, ‘Well, what would it have been like if I hadn’t done that?’” Now,Akin didn’t say that he thought he was wrong, just that he regretted saying it.

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LA LA land.

April 13, 2013

The Republican National Committee today passed a strongly worded resolution opposing same-sex marriage and urging the Supreme Court to uphold DOMA. Got it, guns don’t hurt people, gay marriages do…..

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Another thought about the base-brawl in San Diego:  Somewhere Barry Bonds has to be thinking – “Wow, there’s now a guy who’ll get booed in Los Angeles more than I ever did….”

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Carlos Quentin, suspended for eight games. Thinking he might serve it out immediately. As the San Diego Padres are playing the Dodgers in Los Angeles next Monday….

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So if Nolan Ryan gets tired of running the Texas Rangers, maybe he can open a clinic to teach pitchers self defense skills?

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Meanwhile ESPN reports sources saying Alex Rodriguez paid a former Florida drug clinic employee to prevent the release of potentially damaging documents. Remember the days when MLB was hoping A-Rod would break Bonds’ home run record? :-)

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Another disaster for the Los Angeles Dodgers. First Greinke gets hurt. Now Kershaw has given up a run.

(actually 3, but 2 were inherited runners a reliever let score.)

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Bummer for Kobe Bryant with a probable torn ACL. Means he probably will miss playing for the Lakers in the playoffs – all five or six games.

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A new survey says that for the first time in more than six years, the number of Americans who say things are going well in the country has reached 50%. Guess this won’t be something the GOP blames on Obama.

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Uh, really? Ann Coulter thought this was a funny thing to say? ”MSNBC’s Martin Bashir suggested that Rep. senators need to have a member of their families killed for them to support the Dem’s’ gun proposals. (Let’s start with Meghan McCain!)” Wonder what Ann would say if someone made a joke about shooting her.

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(For that matter, what would Ann, or Fox News have said if some Democrat made a joke about shooting any child of a Republican leader.)

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At the Masters today China’s 14 year old star Tianlang Guan was assessed a one-stroke penalty at the 17th hole for slow play. It would be very un-PC to make an Asian driver joke here.

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Lindsey Vonn is in Augusta cheering Tiger on at the Masters. And presumably making sure Woods doesn’t head out for a pancake breakfast by himself.

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Spring has sprung?

March 25, 2013

A silver lining to Monday for many sports fans – there was no chance today for any more busted brackets.

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Anyone considered that maybe Punxsutawney Phil was right?  And that this is just going to be a really really cold spring….

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According to the NY Times, senior citizens are increasingly using recreational marijuana. So to serve that market, how long until we see Doritos’ flavored Ensure?

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While Los Angeles made it closer at the end, Golden State was beating up on the Los Angeles Lakers so badly at halftime the Warriors  could have been charged with elder abuse.

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UCLA has fired men’s basketball coach Ben Howland. Well, if Howand wants a chance with another underachieving team, there may soon be an opening with the Lakers.

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Former RNC chair Michael Steele on the GOP – “”However, we are not a religious party. And we need to understand that America’s not looking for a religious party.” Well, he’s half right.

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A thought about Costa Rica’s protest about playing their soccer match against the USA in the snow. Just wait until the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. With average daytime temperatures of 106…..

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UCLA fired Ben Howland after they lost to Minnesota. Minnesota fired Tubby Smith after they lost to Florida. This does not bode well for the losing coach in the Florida-University of Florida Gulf Coast game.

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Some conservative media complaining that Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Of course if they were driven to an inexpensive Florida beach resort the same folks would complain that they were wrecking spring break for middle class families with the extra traffic and security.

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The New York Yankees will open the season with about $82 million of players on the disabled list. To put that in perspective, that’s about the payroll of the Astros and Pirates combined..

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Not watching the NBC interview but apparently Jerry Sandusky was laughing in his denial that anyone could have imagined that what they heard and saw in that Penn State locker room meant he was having sex with a boy. Can’t we just hurry up and put this guy in the general population.

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In light of his recent public announcement of a romance with Lindsay Vonn, was it really the best idea for the NY Daily News to have posted this headline about Tiger Woods’ win today?: “Tiger back on top.”

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Geek humor. The band “My Chemical Romance” has split up. Did they use electrolysis?

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So why aren’t the people defending “traditional” marriage also pushing for amendments to outlaw divorce?

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:  “A Huffington Post writer is looking for people who claim to have had sex with a space alien. He should start by talking to Dennis Rodman’s mother.”

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Ford is apologizing after ads submitted to them for a competition ended up on line. One featured 3 women bounded and gagged in the back of a Ford Figo, another had 3 male race-car drivers in the same situation, and in the 3rd it was the Kardashian sisters. Absolutely appalling, well maybe except the last one.

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More madness….

March 22, 2013

Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”

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The “Catholic 7″   founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown,  Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul.  And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.

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For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.

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A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”

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If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….

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A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?

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Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.

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A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.

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Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.

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Meanwhile, UCLA  continued their best  efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.

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In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards.  Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.

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NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom,  or “Girls Gone Wild?”

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A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.

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From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”

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The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.

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Tuckered out?

March 15, 2013

The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis’s voice yelling ‘So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?”

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Riddle of the morning: What’s the difference between a dirty play and a good hard aggressive play? Answer: Whether or not it happens to YOUR team.

 

Nicki Minaj said of one of her favorite American Idol contestants on elimination night – “If you go home, I’m going home.” And most of America said “Promise?”"

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Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn’t make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they WOULD have been World Champions if not for Kobe’s injury.

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So allegedly Kris Humphries’ lawyers have obtained a deposition from a producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” saying Kim not only knew about the “surprise” proposal, she had them reshoot the scene to make her reaction look better. “I can’t believe she would be that tacky” said absolutely nobody.

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In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as “freeloaders.” Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term.

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Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? #guncontrol

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Clearly don’t know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren’t football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail?

 

Not saying the Notre Dame day-glo lime green basketball uniforms are ugly, but even Oregon football players are saying “What were you THINKING?”

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The USA fell to 33rd in FIFA rankings. Of course, part of the problem – most Americans said “What’s FIFA?”

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Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez’s body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be “quite difficult.” Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.’s fault.

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The Carnival Dream has mechanical problems and is stuck at the dock in St. Martin. Good thing they picked a Pope yesterday so CNN can devote the entire day again to this major story.

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from T.C.  “Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks.”

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Poped out.

March 13, 2013

Bummer. They chose a new Pope today and America didn’t even have a chance to hear the top ten sing.

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The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken  immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the “Room of Tears,”   Wonder if they piped in the music “Don’t cry for me, Argentina?

 

So the papal conclave in Rome is over   – they sent out white smoke.

Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington – they’re still blowing smoke.

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V.P. Joe Biden, a Catholic to serve as vice president, will lead the U.S. delegation to next week’s formal installation of the new Pope.   Will they send up white smoke when Biden’s speech is over?

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The “Catholic 7″ said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke?

(Michael Duca reminds us that “White smoke can’t jump.”)

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Miley Cyrus, who’s been attempting a comeback, now apparently has split with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth. Maybe Miley can talk to Taylor Swift for tips on writing a song about it..

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Kobe Bryant has sprained his ankle and is out indefinitely. Can’t wait to hear Dwight Howard tell him to play through the pain.

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A corgi in Helen Mirren’s London play “The Audience” about Queen Elizabeth II has been fired for not obeying commands. While the dog was supposed to be playing the Queen’s pet, clearly she saw herself more in the role of a cat.

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Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed.

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The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don’t think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot?

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Sen. Ted Cruz says he is willing to risk a govt shutdown if Obamacare is not defunded. Leaving the Supreme Court decision and the 2012 election out of it, if Cruz cares so much about the budget why doesn’t he personally step up and volunteer to defund Congressional healthcare?

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Am I the only one who doesn’t get it? So Michael Vick has to cancel his book tour because of outrage, and Ray Lewis just signed a contract with ESPN…..

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Getting what you pay for?

February 8, 2013

As another blizzard bears down upon the East Coast, after dumping snow and ice on the Midwest, those high California tax rates are looking more and more like a bargain.

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Some might be surprised that Monopoly chose to add a cat token. But the Humane Society did note that 33% of U.S. households own at least one cat. Though they have said “are owned BY at least one cat.”

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Kobe Bryant, talking about Dwight Howard, says he should play with pain. As opposed to Bryant’s longtime Laker teammates who have played with a pain.

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Dwight Howard is firing back at teammates who say he should be playing. The Lakers center said before tonight that just as soon as his shoulder has healed he will be back on the court, regularly, and once again demanding a trade.

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After Dwight Howard returned for tonight’s Lakers-Celtics game,  which Boston won 116-95,  wonder if Kobe Bryant will tell Howard to relax and take more time off.

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For 5 weeks in a row, the #1 team in college basketball has lost. This title is getting to be as short-lived as #3 in Al-Qaeda.

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Chris Christie told the White House doctor who expressed concern about his weight to “shut up.” If not, the N.J. governor may threaten to sit on her.

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The Oakland Raiders are putting a tarp over “Mt. Davis,” the stadium section which destroyed views for As fans when it was built when the football team returned from L.A. A tarp?! Really!? Wouldn’t it be more effective to use dynamite?

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The Grammys have sent out a memo for stars and performers asking that “buttocks and female breasts” be “adequately covered…Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.” That crash you heard was ratings for potential straight male viewers.

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Kristin Cavallari, who is engaged to Jay Cutler, said the Bears QB proposed to her via text message. Well, that ought to do wonders for Cutler’s 4th place finish in the “most disliked” athlete poll.

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You can’t make this *stuff” up dept: The Rockies’ Todd Helton, who signed a $141.50 million contract in 2001, was arrested for DUI this weekend. According to police, Helton was arrested at a gas station, where he had gone to buy….lottery tickets.

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The times, they are a changin’…. Quote from Curt Schilling, a conservative who’s supported GOP candidate and toyed with running for Senate: “I’ve never understood this ‘issue’ with gay players? Who cares? I know I played with some, their sexual orientation never had much to to do with how they hit with RISP, or pitched in late & close situations, why the hell would what they do in the bedroom ever matter?”

So with the latest allegations out of Florida, maybe fantasy baseball leagues should add a bonus category – first major leaguer to be suspended in 2013 for PEDs?  And readers, feel free to put your guess in comments – no prizes – just bragging rights:

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MVP’ED?

February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

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Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

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Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

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The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

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This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

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Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

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The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

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A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

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LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

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So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

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For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

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Cold days…

January 25, 2013

Icy cold temperatures are still blanketing the Northeast. But back in Southern California the only serious frost remaining is between Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard.

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It’s an axiom in business that no one is irreplaceable. And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “Wrong again, suckers.”

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In a radio interview today about the Super Bowl, Jackie Harbaugh said. “I know one is going to win and one is going to lose but I really would like it to end in a tie. Can the NFL do that?” Paging Bud Selig!

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Sammy Sosa thinks he belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Even Manti T’eo thinks “that’s delusional.”

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Hardest thing to believe about this Manti T’eo story? Maybe that in a era of “friends with benefits,” a young man who is a good looking star athlete would be willing to have a girlfriend without benefits.

 

The San Jose Sharks are 3-0. Which means that despite the strike the team is still ready to have a great season and then disappoint their fans in the playoffs.

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Asked a question about John Boehner’s contention that Obama is trying to annihilate the GOP, White House spokesman Jay Carney said that is not the President’s goal, and that he “would object” if the GOP was destroyed. What he didn’t add was “anyway, the Republicans seem to be doing a good job of that on their own.”

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John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, told Mother Jones, “Climate change is perfectly natural and not necessarily bad.” Wonder the reaction if you quoted that line at Whole Foods to the cashier next time you forget to bring your own bag.

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American Idol has done the impossible – make most Americans miss Paula Adbul.

 

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Two men are suing Lance Armstrong and his book publishers for fraud and false advertising because they say his two memoirs are full of lies. Wonder how long it will take bookstores to move all remaining copies to the “Fantasy” section.

or, (with an assist from my friend James Brady), considering the biotech involved, maybe the books should be in the “Science Fiction” section…

 

Did she or didn’t she? Now some say Beyonce was not lip-synching at President Obama’s inaugural, but just singing along to a pre-recorded track. How long until the GOP calls for a congressional investigation?

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In New Mexico, state Rep. Cathrynn Brown introduced a bill where a woman who aborted a pregnancy resulting from rape would be charged with a felony for “tampering with evidence.” Wow. Proving that today’s GOP doesn’t even need men to be anti-woman.

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Oh baby.

January 16, 2013

Kim Kardashian says while she’s very happy with her baby daddy Kanye West, she’s not “in a rush” to get married again. Of course not, why try to sell another televised wedding when you can sell baby pictures.

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Kim and Kanye’s baby will likely be born the same month as Prince William and Kate’s baby.  Assume that Buckingham Palace has already responded to a Kardashian request for play dates with “Not bloody likely.”

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Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy has accepted the San Diego Chargers’ head coaching job. Well, this is one way for McCoy to reduce the chances of being criticized for his calls late in future playoff games.

 

Is it too soon for Boeing to rename it the “Nightmare Liner?”

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An Oxnard California teacher lost her appeal after she was fired last spring when students discovered she had appeared in porn films. Wonder how many fathers are signing petitions for THEIR childrens’ schools to give her a second chance.

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Eighteen severed human heads were discovered by customs agents at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Authorities are trying to discover if the heads are medical specimens. If not, will they be searching topless bars?

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A Florida lawyer is suing the Spurs for sending their stars home from a road trip early, saying that fans attending San Antonio’s game against the Miami Heat “suffered economic damages” because they paid a premium price for a ticket to see a good team. Yikes. If he is successful, bring on the class action suit from Lakers fans.

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Not saying relations are combative between the White House and the GOP.. But at this point expect that if President Obama throws out the first pitch on Opening Day, some Republicans will call it a balk.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency says that Lance Armstrong’s confession to Oprah will not be enough to seek a reduction in his lifetime ban from sports. Have to assume that means Oprah now won’t be getting that additional interview with Pete Rose.

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Wal-Mart says it will commit to hiring every veteran who honorably left the military in the last year, over 100,000 people. Which is a good thing, although have to wonder how much it mattered to Wal-Mart that these new hires will come with their own healthcare benefits.

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The U.S. House just approved an aid package for states affected by Superstorm Sandy by a 241-180 vote. Assuming those 180 votes come from members of Congress who never intend to ask for disaster relief for their own states?

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12-12-12

December 12, 2012

The date?    Or the total of the Los Angeles Lakers’  scoring not counting Kobe Bryant?

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Open note to Los Angeles comics who don’t pay regular attention to the NBA: Take out all your old Lakers and Clippers jokes. Reverse the punchlines. You’ll be fine.

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So the Wizards won again, and the Lakers lost to the Cavaliers. What did that Mayan calendar say again?

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Three   “words”.   Mike Brown LOL.

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A former cast member from A&E’s “Storage Wars” is claiming some of the valuable items found in abandoned storage lockers were planted by the show’s producers. Gosh. Next thing, someone will be casting doubt on the reality of those Housewives.

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In the midst of a labor dispute, Cathay Pacific flight crews are threatening that that if the carrier doesn’t negotiate, they may stop serving alcohol and smiling at passengers during the Christmas holidays. In other words, start acting like they work for a U.S. carrier.

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Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue overturned the “bounty gate” suspensions of 4 current and former Saints players. Interesting timing – a couple days after New Orleans was basically eliminated from the playoffs.

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Donna Summer, Heart and Randy Newman in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?! Okay, good for them. But if it’s the Disco/Pop Music/Soundtrack Hall of Fame, then it’s time to induct the Carpenters.  (seriously.)

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Regarding Congress and the fiscal cliff, apparently a majority of Americans prefer higher taxes. But if they really got an honest answer it might be that 20% want the Dems to win, 10% want the GOP to win, and 70% want all of Congress to go over that cliff together.

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Rick Perry this week: “To be clear, my goal is to make abortion, at any stage, a thing of the past.” And this guy was just one, two…, uh, I can’t remember how many reasons away from being the 2012 GOP Presidential nominee.

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Gary M,  with some perspective on  Pete Carroll’s great year so far with the Seattle Seahawks,   “At USC he didn’t have to deal with a salary cap.”

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Commie pinko thought of the night:  Yeah I know. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” But people with assault weapons kill a lot more people.

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No place like home?

December 10, 2012

Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.

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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.

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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?

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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?

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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”

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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.

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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.

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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?”   Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”

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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?

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From T.C.   “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! “

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Trivia question for the day:

Which are  the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?

Answer ( none of them from the SEC) :   Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.

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Low-flying Jets.

December 8, 2012

Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.

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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.

 

Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?

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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs.  But it’s already sold out.  Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.

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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.

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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….

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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!

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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.

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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?

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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?

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Serious thought   -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.

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My house is not quite your house.

November 29, 2012

President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?

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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.

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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”

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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?

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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State

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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?

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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”

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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.

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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?

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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?

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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.

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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.

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Depends?

November 13, 2012

So is the next revelation in the General Petraeus affair going to include a road trip by his ex-mistress to Florida wearing Depends?

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Understatement of the year award? Steve Boylan, a Petraeus family friend and former spokesman said on “Good Morning America” that the general’s wife Holly “is not exactly pleased right now.”

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At this point what we seem to know is that General Petraeus had an affair with a woman who turned crazy on him. Hmm, maybe the Secret Service had the right idea with prostitutes. (If only they had paid them.)

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Somewhere Dwight D. Eisenhower and JFK must be laughing together: “Thank God we didn’t live in the internet age.”

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A University of Colorado student has been arrested and charged with “menacing” after he put on a Joker mask at a Boulder movie theater. (And he told police he was aware of the “Dark Knight Rises” shooting.) Not sure if they can make the menacing charge stick but at the least this kid is guilty of terminal stupidity.

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Roddy White of the Atlanta Falcons said of his team’s loss to the New Orleans Saints “It’s not like they came out here and won a game. I think we kind of gave it to them.” Proving again, you can still trash talk with a mouthful of sour grapes.

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The word from folks associated with the Los Angeles Lakers  is that Phil Jackson thought the job was his: “I know just how you feel” said Mitt Romney..

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Not saying the Lakers are old, but will new coach Mike D’Antoni’s challenge now to be to come up with “Hasbeen-sanity?

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Apparently more than 25,000 people have signed a petition for Texas to secede from the United States. About 25 million other Americans would probably sign a petition saying “Let them.”

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Washington State football coach Mike Leach is now being accused of abusing his players. So will the team colors of Crimson and Gray now become “Fifty Shades of Crimson and Gray”?

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Embedded?

November 10, 2012

CIA director David Petraeus has resigned after admitting he had an affair. How long until he’s asked to join the “Clinton Global Initiative.”

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Apparently General Petraeus, 60, had his affair with his biographer and videographer, Paula Broadwell, 39. So guess Petraeus didn’t think he was Bill Clinton, he thought he was John Edwards.

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Once again, the conspiracy theorists are out, this time about General Petraeus’s affair and the timing of his resignation. Really?!! It’s amazing how the only time some folks give Obama credit for competence is in engineering coverups.

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Wow! Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, only five games into a disappointing season. And somewhere from the great beyond Al Davis and George Steinbrenner are thinking “You can do that?”

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Here’s a scary post-election thought. For a brief, not-so-shining moment last year, some thought Donald Trump could be elected president of the United States.

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Condoleezza Rice said today she wouldn’t be the next secretary of state, even if President Barack Obama asked her. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

(Although as a Democrat I’d be happy with Richard Lugar. And Condi would be better than Bud Selig for baseball.)

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Can we get over this concept of Kentucky defending their NCAA national championship in men’s basketball. Because a true defense might involve, for starters, having one player from that championship team still in uniform. (And no, I don’t mean an NBA uniform.)

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Phil Jackson has apparently said he might consider ending his retirement and return to coaching the Lakers.   “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

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Nick Swisher, who has hit .169 in 154 postseason at-bats. apparently will leave New York because he doesn’t like their $13 million offer for 2013. Maybe the Yankees decided that with A-Rod it was enough to have one high-priced player who takes Octobers off.

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Ah, the purity of amateur sports: UCLA star recruit Shabazz Muhammed was declared ineligible for recruiting violations. Which the LA Times alleges resulted from visits to Duke & North Carolina -  Schools he turned down in favor of UCLA .  Gosh, if so, wonder who turned him in.

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Mitt Romney’s sister complained to an interviewer that her brother had been “vilified” during the campaign. Uh, did she think it was going to get better if he became president?

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Anders Behring, Breivik the Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 people, mostly teenagers, is complaining that he is being held in inhumane solitary conditions. Well, heck, let’s get him into the general population right away then.

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Ye Gods, they’re like political Tribbles. Only not as cute and cuddly. George P. Bush, grandson of George H.W, nephew of George W. Bush, son of Jeb, just filed paperwork to run for office in the state of Texas.

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From T.C.  ” With Washington voting to legalize marijuana,  can we expect Cheech and Chong to be signed for every Seattle Mariners home game singing “‘Toke Me Out to the Ball Game?’”  And of course the National Anthem to be sung by the Doobie Brothers?’

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The morning after.

July 5, 2012

Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.

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-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.

When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”

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The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?

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Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.

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SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week.   After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.

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Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers.  Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.

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Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers.  Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.

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Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.

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-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”

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Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?

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Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.

From T.C.  “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”

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