Posted tagged ‘Lakers jokes’

Follow the money

May 19, 2014

The NY Racing Association stewards today unanimously approved equine nasal strips. Which means California Chrome can wear one during the Belmont. Translation, “we want people to watch the race.”

 

Disney is hiking prices for its one-day “Parkhopper” pass to both Disneyland and California Adventure Park over 10% to $150. For that amount of money people who want to see a high-priced Mickey Mouse organization can buy Lakers tickets

 

-

Gender equality “crooks are stupid” moment. Danielle Shea, 22, had dropped out of Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. But she hadn’t told her parents, who were still sending money for tuition. So, as she admitted to police, she made bomb threats before the graduation ceremony so her parents wouldn’t find out. (Police caught Ms. Shea because she made the threats from her own phone.)

 

Kudos to Brandon Marshall, who signed his 3 year, $31 million contract extension with the Chicago Bears today on “The View.” Marshall, who has said he has a Borderline Personality Disorder, also said he would donate $1 million to mental health services. Nice move, and guessing Bears fans who might have a problem with it weren’t likely to be watching “The View” anyway.

-

A European cruise ship, the Saga Sapphire, was temporarily stranded off the coast of Scotland when a fire caused the vessel to lose power. But the crew was able to quickly contain the blaze and restore power so the Sapphire will return to port and its regular schedule as normal. The passengers were relieved. CNN is disappointed.

-

At Austin Peay State, in Tennessee, a giant 40 foot sinkhole has opened up in one end zone. And the Washington Redskins are thinking “Hmm, potentially one way to keep opposing offenses from scoring?”

-

About 1.8 million pounds of ground beef in the U.S. is being recalled for possible E. coli contamination. Which means Taco Bell customers are safe as they never use any actual beef anyway.

-

All of this speculation over who will and will not run for President in 2016, even though the primaries are almost two years away…. The process is becoming almost as over-hyped as the NFL draft.

 

The FAA is apparently investigating an April incident where a United Airlines flight from SFO landing at Newark apparently came within 400 feet of an ExpressJet United Express flight taking off. See, there are potentially worse things that can happen than just ending up in New Jersey.

-

So the problem a lot of people have with the San Antonio Spurs is that they are “boring?” Meaning they play team basketball without a lot of showboating and their stars generally stay on the sports page instead of the front page? And the NBA wonders sometimes why they have an image problem.

-

Researchers at the University of Sydney examined seven sets of data involving more than 1.25 million children and concluded that there was NO evidence to support a relationship between common vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus and whooping cough and the development of autism. Which will convince exactly no one who believes otherwise because it involves commie-pinko science and numbers.

-

Lance Armstrong apparently tweeted a picture while he was playing “Cards Against Humanity,” and got the card saying “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.” But the real question, which card did Lance use to answer?

Marching forward.

March 8, 2014

Friday night, Harvard beat Yale to become the first team to reach the NCAA tournament.   Meaning it’s just about time for those words that gladden the hearts of sports fans across America:  “Gentlemen, (and ladies), start your brackets.”

-

Due to a Labor dispute, MLS says they are starting the season Saturday with replacement referees. Although if the refs screw up, will any Americans notice?

-

Nike just signed Johnny Manziel to a major contract. Making their new internal motto for him. “If you’re considering something stupid, Just Don’t Do It.”

-

Beginning to look in Oscar Pistorius’s case like his only hope for being found innocent would have been getting the trial moved to Los Angeles.

-

Rutgers has to fire their men’s basketball coach after a video surfaces of him abusing players, new AD Julie Hermann had issues at Tennessee, then their star alum Ray Rice gets arrested. So the university’s idea of a calming gesture is to appoint as their commencement speaker …. Condoleezza Rice?!

-

The #Lakers lost to the #Clippers last night by 48. Bad enough to lose by 48? Even Jack Nicholson can’t handle this truth.

-

Rumor has it that the NY Knicks have been talking to Phil Jackson about their coaching job. Maybe the Lakers are making NY look attractive by comparison?

-

March 7-8 is theoretically the “National Day of Unplugging.” And of course, there are apps that are supposed to help you unplug. But since for many it’s mostly about acting cool and saying you have the ability to go offline, what about an app that has your device PRETEND it’s unplugged?

-

For fans of train wrecks, it’s a real shame the Philadelphia 76ers aren’t playing the Los Angeles Lakers any more this season. Would be fun to see both teams try to disprove the NBA rule that “SOMEONE’s got to win.”

-

The Los Angeles Times claims two anonymous members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences voted for “12 Years a Slave” as Best Picture, without actually seeing the movie. Of course, wonder how many people vote for Congress without ever seeing anything from the candidates.

-

Albertson’s has purchased and will merge with Safeway. No doubt for consumers this means all the wonderful sort of benefits that accrue with airline mergers.

-

Say it ain’t so. New Orleans look to be parting ways with Darrin Sproles. The only Saint where you can buy your kid a jersey, and have it be the same size the player wears.

-

Brad Penny has been released by the KC Royals after reportedly punching a wall. Who does he think he is? Kevin Brown?

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

-

 

A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

-

The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

-

Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

-

So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

-

After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

-

 

Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

-

But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

.

-

Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

-

And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

-Image

No woman no crime?

November 2, 2013

 

Another day, another high-profile shooting. For all the words that have been made PC recently, there seems to be little need to change “gunman” to “gunperson.”

 

 

We know very little about the LAX shooting. But a few things we know for sure. Many will call for more stringent gun laws. And the NRA will say that whatever the gun laws were, they would not have made a difference in this case. (And someone will no doubt claim this is a reason why air travelers should be armed…)

 

Allegedly the LAX suspect was carrying a note saying he wanted to “kill TSA and pigs.” So what will one likely result of his shooting be? More TSA and security hired at LAX.

-

LAX Gunman is reportedly Paul Anthony Ciancia, 23. And a number of liberals are probably thinking “Whew, he’s not Muslim.” And some conservatives are probably thinking “Darn, he’s not Muslm.”

-

 

And now back to the silly stuff…    Because even on bad days  there is always silly stuff.

-

A man is suing the KC Royals because of injuries to his eye plus pain and suffering when he was struck by a 4 ounce foil-wrapped hot dog thrown into the stands by the team’s mascot. Time for some no-texting while watching baseball laws?

 

-

Lots of hype for next week’s Thursday night NFL – “Adrian Peterson vs. RGIII.” Alas for the NFL Network, the two will be accompanied by their respective sucky football teams.

-

Honey Boo Boo’s family apparently dressed up as the Kardashian family for Halloween. Does this even need a punchline?

 

Michael Jordan, who now owns the Charlotte Bobcats, said “I don’t believe” in having the team deliberately tank in order to rebuild by getting a top draft pick. Besides, since the Bobcats have been 62-168 the last 3 years, losing doesn’t seem to be working anyway.

-

 

Jacksonville Jaguars WR Justin Blackmon has been suspended indefinitely for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. This could really put a damper on the 0-8 team’s season.

-

 

The NY Yankees have signed Derek Jeter to a one-year, $12 million contract. Which is less expensive than it sounds, as the Captain’s health insurance will be covered by Medicare.

-

A British Labour politician, unhappy with bipartisan good wishes from his colleagues on the occasion of Prince William’s christening, complained that “valuable Parliamentary time” had been taken up to “congratulate two very wealthy aristocrats for procreating”. The English were shocked – Parliament HAS valuable time?

 

Delta and JetBlue are the first airlines to allow e-readers from gate to gate following the FAA’s ruling yesterday. Of course, some passengers had already discovered a way to read without interruption on a plane – printed books.

 

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers Friday night 91-85 in their first meeting of the season. Otherwise known as the AARP Classic.

 

Iowa LB Marcus Collins was dismissed from the team after a DUI arrest. While he was driving on a suspended or cancelled license, AND while he was already suspended from football for “undisclosed reasons.” Not sure what Collins is majoring in but guessing it’s not rocket science.

 

 

Police have uncovered a 1,760-foot drug smuggling ‘super tunnel’ from Tijuana to San Diego, which has power, vents and its own rail system. The tunnel was so elaborately well-crafted, maybe the states should plea-bargain with its architects to work on California’s proposed high speed rail?

The party (bus) is over…?

September 23, 2013

It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle

-

Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-

-

Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…

-

President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he  was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.

-

Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.

-

Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”

 

-

How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?

-

From my friend Jim Barach:   A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)

-

Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.

-

Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.

-

“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”

-

Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.

Collinsanity?

April 29, 2013

Congrats to Jason Collins for his decision.  While  most Americans knew this day was coming for some male athletes , someone had to say  “It’s me”  instead of  “me, too.”

-

And okay, there’s a first time for everything.  Kudos to Kobe Bryant.  For being one of the first players to tweet support.

(any regular or even semi-regular reader knows I am NOT usually a Kobe fan.)

-

So far mostly positive reaction from NBA players to Jason Collins’ coming out as gay. And hope those who might condemn him as going against their Christian ideal of heterosexual monogamy, have realized they’ve already survived having teammates with several baby mamas.

-

From Gary Bachman:   “Breaking news: a male professional ice skater has come out that he is straight.”

-

Hope someone signs Jason Collins asap and that he gets a lot of standing ovations when introduced in 2013. #Collinsanity

-

To be fair, Jason Collins already has known what it’s like to face public embarrassment.  He spent last season with the Washington Wizards.

-

Thinking after this season a whole lot of NBA players now might rather have Jason Collins on their team than Dwight Howard.

-

Another nice thing about the Jason Collins story. Knocked the NFL right off the front page. Had the league known he was coming out today, wonder if they’d have asked the Jets to wait a day to release Tim Tebow?

=

And the best thing about Jason Collins’ announcement for Los Angeles basketball fans: It knocks the Lakers’ abysmal performance in the postseason right out of the sports headlines.

-

President Obama called Jason Collins “to express his support and said he was impressed by his courage.” Part of Barack’s continuing effort to make Rush Limbaugh’s head explode. Oh wait, Rush had Elton John sing at his last wedding. Never mind….

-

The NBA relocation committee has voted unanimously to keep the Sacramento Kings from relocating to Seattle. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “Take our Lakers, please.”

-

S&P 500 had a record close today, and Nasdaq is at its highest level in more than 12 years. I blame Obama.

-

Metta World Peace defending Dwight Howard. “I think we (the Lakers) put a little too much pressure on Dwight.” Gosh, did they take away Howard’s blankee too?

-

So in response to a debate question about his vote to impeach Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford tonight responded “Do you think that President Clinton should be condemned for the rest of his life for a mistake he made?” Uh, Mr. Sanford, the point is that YOU thought the answer to that question was “yes.”

-

The #NYJets released #TimTebow today. Can’t wait to see the press conference when Mark Sanchez fumbles his response.

Cleanliness is next to impossible?

April 28, 2013

Greg Norman said that golf’s lack of anti-doping procedures is “disgraceful” “They’re putting a black eye on their sport. If a sport gets itself clean, the corporate dollars will always be there because people will know it’s a sport they can trust.”

Right, so then golf can be a “clean” corporate sport  like the NFL. Where a drug suspension will still give you time to get back for the Pro Bowl.

“Nasty, brutish and short.” The title of a documentary about the Los Angeles Lakers in the 2014 postseason?

-

-

Apparently Homeland Security, looking for money to bolster security, is asking for a feasibility stuff about charging visitors from Canada to enter the U.S. Right, so we have more protection from all those dangerous Canadians.

-

The Big Ten has voted to realign in 2014 with new conference divisions “East” and “West.” So “Legends” and “Leaders” will be gone. “We’ll really miss them” said absolutely nobody.

-

John McCain is now suggesting that the Syrian people would “take revenge” on the U.S if we don’t attack to oust Assad. Right, as opposed to all the countries where people will take revenge on us because we DID get involved in their internal politics.

-

The NFL draft is over. So how will the league steal headlines from MLB and the NBA now?

-

The Rolling Stones are about to kick off yet another farewell tour. Wonder if Mick and company plan to open their concerts with “Shuffling Jack Flash?”

-

Will the subtitle of the band’s latest tour be “Stone Age?”

-

Dwight Howard got himself ejected in the third quarter of the Lakers’ loss to the Spurs tonight. But if the ref really wanted to punish Howard, he should have made him stay and play till the end of the rout.

-

So what was the difference between the Magic and the Lakers this year?  About a week.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 240 other followers