Posted tagged ‘Lakers jokes’

Surprise package.

December 13, 2014

Give this woman a medal: Thieves stealing packages off doorsteps is an increasing problem in the US. And a D.C. woman got fed up with things she had ordered for the holidays being swiped, so she filled a box with poop from her two dogs and left it on her porch. And yes, a surveillance camera shows a man taking it. Alas no camera shows him opening it.

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What a country. Our newest tourist attraction opening December 20? “Machine Gun America.” It will feature 50 different firearms and 10 fire lanes, Open to customers who are 13 and over. And yeah, you guessed it, Florida.

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Well, then, what’s the problem? Justice Antonin Scalia, when asked about the Citizens United decision: “the amount of money that is spent on all elections — state, local and federal — in the United States, is less than what women spend on cosmetics for a year, OK?” ‪#‎sohowdowegetSupremeCourttermlimit

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Hawaii is trying to lure the Obama Presidential Library with the offer of a location on the beach. Some Republicans are appalled, saying it would be just like President Obama to build his library in a foreign location

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#‎Lakers‬ upset ‪#‎Spurs‬. I think I see a new marketing campaign ahead for ‪#‎Charmin‬. ‪#‎KobeBryant‬

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Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer apologized for being the source behind a negative story about Jay Cutler, but denied telling the NFL Network that Chicago had “buyer’s remorse” about the QB’s $126 million contract. Gosh, Kromer sounds so credible you have to wonder if he’s angling to someday be NFL commissioner.

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Junior Kentucky forward Alex Poythress tore an ACL in practice yesterday and will miss the rest of the season. Sad and a bit shocking, Kentucky had an actual junior on its team?

 

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Some media experts are conceding 2015 World Series title to ‪#‎Dodgers‬. Guess they figure LA will be defending their predicted 2014 title?

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Regarding those leaked emails between the Sony co-chairs, surely they are firing offenses. Not even for the racism. But for being stupid enough to say those sorts of things in written emails.

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Oklahoma State dismissed WR Tyreek Hill from the football team following his arrest for allegedly chocking and punching his pregnant girlfriend. Hill, a junior, ranked 2nd nationally with 996 combined kick return yards. and 11th with 150.9 all-purpose yards per game. So wonder how long before he is offered a second chance with FSU or an SEC team?

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I’m sure all the lower and middle-class voters who elected a GOP Congress this month will be heartened to see that one of the first ways they flexed their new muscles was a rider on a spending bill to lessen the regulatory burdens on our nation’s long suffering banks. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Value for money.

December 10, 2014

Magic Johnson says he hopes the Lakers lose every game for the rest of the year so the team can get a high draft pick. “”Because if you’re going to lose, lose. I’m serious.” What a nice warm fuzzy message for this year’s season ticket holders.

 

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Pitcher Jon Lester says he chose the Chicago Cubs over the SF Giants because the income tax rate in Illinois is 5%, and it’s $13.3% in California. Well, makes sense. On only $155 million over 6 years he really needs to feed his family.

(And his children’s family, and his grand-children’s family, and his great-grandchildren’s family.)

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And of course, in Chicago, Lester won’t have to pay taxes on playoff winnings.

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Jon Lester may be reunited with his friend Jake Peavy in Chicago.  Peavy has a duck boat and cable car from his last two World Series wins, apparently if the Cubs win the World Series he and Lester both plan to buy flying pigs.

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Meanwhile in SF,  Giants fans’ attitude will be going from “wow, how cool would he look with Madbum in the rotation?” to “Just as well, it’s insane to pay any 31 year old pitcher $155 million for six years.”

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And in Oakland,  the Athletics have now traded Jeff Samardzija to the White Sox. How are the As ever going to decide on bobbleheads for 2014-15 when there’s a good chance any “name” player they have will be gone before his giveaway day?

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Weather forecasters in the SF Bay project over 20 foot waves during a “storm of the decade” that is supposed to hit this Thursday and Friday, Suppose it would be tacky to start a pool on the number of potential Darwin Award winners.

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A woman flying on Southwest from San Francisco to Phoenix went into labor and gave birth on the plane, which was then diverted to Los Angeles. Good thing it was Southwest, United, American and Delta would all have charged her for another seat.

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Johnny Manziel will start at QB Sunday for Cleveland. The rookie QB may not get the team to the playoffs, but he will make the Browns a top story on Sportcenter…

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Prince William, who is 6’3″, flew on a commercial US Airways shuttle from NY to DC Monday. He did, however, fly first class. Perhaps having told his staff, “I may be the ‘people’s prince’ but I’m not crazy.”

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Korean Air announced that their chairman’s daughter, an executive with the airline, has resigned after ordering a senior flight attendant off the plane for serving her macadamia nuts in a bag, not on a plate. Americans are stunned by this story… an airline actually serves expensive macadamia nuts?

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Cam Newton sustained back fractures but apparently escaped serious injury when his car was hit Tuesday in Charlotte. No word on the other driver, but certainly wasn’t a Saints player. Last week they proved they couldn’t hit anyone

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Facebook is working on an AI digital assistant that will warn people posting “questionable” photo uploads, it would say something like “Uh, this is being posted publicly. Are you sure you want your boss and your mother to see this?” Of course, if a “friend”, relative or colleague is posting a such picture of you, this might encourage them to post more.

A picture is worth… a million diet books?

November 21, 2014

Mike Golic of ESPN’s “Mike and Mike” recreated the nearly nude Kim Kardashian pose after he lost a bet when Northwestern beat Notre Dame. For the sake of humanity, nobody make that same bet with John Madden.

golic

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Two male Country Music stars announced they were gay yesterday. Of course, we’ll know this is REALLY a trend when a closeted gay man dates Taylor Swift, then comes out, and she writes a song about it.

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A new small town playground was going to have Winnie the Pooh as a mascot until some conservative council members said Pooh was a bad choice because he’s of of ”dubious sexuality”, “half naked” and ”inappropriately dressed.” And proving we don’t have a monopoly on such stupidity in the the U.S., this was in Poland.

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Charles Woodson was ready to come to blows with at least one of his own teammates after their celebrations late in the 4th quarter cost the Raiders a time out and could have cost them the game. Fortunately for the future HOF safety, a 4th quarter lead for Oakland isn’t likely to come again this season.

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John Boehner plans to sue President Obama’s, nominally over Obamacare, but really over his executive order on immigration. So where was this GOP outrage when George W. Bush issued 291 of the things? And when Reagan issued 372?

 

A man is reported he got  hit with a $1,171 Internet bill on a Singapore Airlines flight from London to Singapore. Travelers reading this story are appalled. U.S. Airlines reading it are thinking “How do we do that?”

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Mississippi State safety Justin Cox has apparently been suspended following an “incident” – i.e.an arrest for aggravated domestic violence and burglary Friday morning. Who says the Bulldogs aren’t in the ranks of elite college programs?

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Kobe Bryant says stars signing hometown-discount contracts are “a big coup” for owners, and “absolutely brilliant, but I’m not going for it.” And then Kobe presumably went back to bitching about how jealous he is off Tim Duncan for the Spurs’ team continuity…..

 

Al Qaeda says that ISIS is “spilling inviolable blood under the excuse of expanding the Islamic State.” and “going too far.” You know, when Al Qaeda says you’re going too far, you probably REALLY are going too far.

 

 

 

The NFL is making tickets for Monday night’s game in Detroit between the NY Jets and Buffalo Bills available free. Wonder how many sports fans are holding out to see what the league might pay them.

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T.C. riding the bus to hell.   “Authorities in Thailand intercepted a courier package containing human parts that was destined for the United States. It contained a head, heart and a foot. An anonymous spokesperson for the Washington Redskins said they would be interested if an arm was included.”

Creature Features.

November 18, 2014

Rumor has it that the Padres are actually interested in Pablo Sandoval. Talk about a potential waste. Has someone told San Diego ownership that the Panda only hits well in the postseason?

 

MLB’s collective bargaining agreement states teams cannot penalize a team for weight.  But a new report says the Boston Red Sox would offer Pablo Sandoval a contract with bonuses for keeping his weight down.  Because that worked so well with Big Papi?

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Next promotion for the Lakers? A giveaway of Jack Nicholson style sunglasses. To enhance the experience for fans the glasses will reportedly be opaque.

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An Australian news show host decided to prove a point about the way his female colleagues were treated over their clothes and appearance, and decided to wear the same suit every day until someone noticed.. After a year Stefanovic has not only proved his point, – no one noticed –  millions of men no doubt consider him a hero.

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A beagle in Texas saw his owner being taken away in an ambulance, and jumped aboard, riding on the side step for 25 miles to the hospital. Meanwhile no doubt the house cat used the opportunity to snag some extra food.

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The Crown Princess has had their second outbreak of Norovirus in six months, bringing the total number of sickened passengers over 300. Wonder how many thousands of Americans may be so upset by the news that they postpone their flu shots?

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After Sunday’s 5 interceptions that gave the game to the ‪#‎49ers‬, should the ‪#‎NYGiants‬ Eli Manning register as a 501 (c) (3) charity?

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Will Muschamp apparently has been told he will not return as Florida’s coach next season. Well, Muschamp did accomplish one notable thing in his tenure, he made Gator fans miss Ron Zook.

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The DEA did surprise inspections yesterday of the 49ers, Seahawks and Buccaneers for possible prescription drug abuse. In the last case, was this the first time ever someone thought it might have required drugs to beat the Redskins?

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When Candlestick Park is demolished, the area will house a 500,000-square-foot “urban outlet” shopping center. Presume it will be a great place to buy warm coats?

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The Sacramento Kings filed a protest over a last second 111-110 loss to the Grizzlies on a buzzer beater last week, saying the clock had run out. This in a game where the Kings blew a 26 point lead. Two things. 1- Who really thinks a single regular season NBA game matters? 2. Does Sacramento really want to do anything to remind fans of blowing a 26 point lead?

 

 

Bus to hell moment from Bill Littlejohn  “Jose Canseco wants to sell the finger that he blew off with a gun.John Wayne Bobbitt commented, ‘Don’t ask.'”

Do the math,

November 14, 2014

Why there is no satire, NBA division. Kobe Bryant on the Spurs. “I don’t know if I can express to you how jealous I am of the fact that Tim, Tony Manu and Pop have been together for all those years”. Bryant’s salary for 2014 – $23 million. Duncan $10 million, Parker $12 million.

‪#‎iwoulddoanythingforlovebutiwontdothat‬

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Prince WIlliam and Kate are coming to the U.S. for a three day visit December. Some Americans don’t see all the fuss over a couple people who just happen to be part of a Royal family. Wonder if the dignitaries meeting their Highnesses will include Bill and Hillary Clinton, and both former President Bushes?

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The Department of Energy loan guarantee program, famous for the Solyndra default, has actually started turning a PROFIT on its $34.2 billion in loans, as some companies are becoming successful and paying money back. So where’s all the GOP blame for Obama?

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The 0-8 Philadelphia 76ers,, who just lost by 53 to the Dallas Maverickst, are making a strong bid to become the worst NBA team ever. Sadly, even if they run the table, this team probably couldn’t even win the draft lottery.

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Dick Vitale, 75, said “My goal is to be the first broadcaster in the history of broadcasting to work at a game when I’m 100 years old.” And somewhere Vin Scully just giggled.

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The NBA has released pictures of this year’s Christmas uniforms, which will feature team logos on the front, first names of players on the back, and will be sold by Adidas for $110. Except presumably for the Lakers jerseys, which will cost twice as much and break down after a few wearings.

 

 

The NFL fined NY Jets coach Rex Ryan $100,000 for profanity after his team beat the Steelers. Well, if winning generates that kind of outburst at least Rex won’t be out of pocket too much the rest of this season.

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There’s going to be a musical based on the reality show “Duck Dynasty.” “The Duck Commander Family Musical” will open in Las Vegas next February. Just the thing for those straight male rednecks who have been waiting for THEIR Broadway show. Both of them.

And have to wonder, will the Robertson’s put a “morality” clause on sexual orientation for actors…?  If so, hope they’re planning on a one or two man show.

 

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Former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne has passed away. She leaves quite a legacy – the first woman mayor of the city, and one of the few Illinois leaders never to have been arrested.

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Starting to get emails and banner ads about “The 117th Big Game between Stanford and Cal” on November 22.” Of course, the time isn’t set yet. Because nothing says how important a rivalry game is like a “TBA” on the schedule for television. Sigh.

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An Alabama high school teacher has been arrested and charged with three sexual incidents with students in six months. Think she took being a physically education teacher a bit too seriously?

 

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “Chicago Bear receiver, Brandon Marshall, upset by a remark made about his mother, challenged one of his twitter followers $25,000 to fight him. Bears QB Jay Cutler threw out the same challenge, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.”

Lost Angeles?

November 10, 2014

So much for the ‪#‎Lakers‬’  perfect season.

 

And Charles Barkley’s favorite restaurants are now going “Our long national nightmare is over.”

 

Even ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans feel sorry for ‪#‎Bears‬ fans tonight. ‪#‎GBvsChi‬

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T.C.  (from British Columbia) suggests that most Americans turned off the Packers-Bears rout at half-time. Those who didn’t, who weren’t Green Bay fans, probably thought they had accidentally turned on a replay of a SEC game vs. a nonconference opponent.

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In a crazy world small signs of stability can be a good thing. To that end the Oakland Raiders are doing their part to be the one ‪#‎NFL‬ team that consistently sucks.

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Mark Cuban mused that the Oklahoma Thunder at this point might be better off tanking the season in a “race to the bottom”. And the Raiders are thinking. “Well, that’s one NFL race we’ve won.”

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Many thought the 49ers’ Aldon Smith would have his suspension reduced. This didn’t happen, reportedly because he didn’t do all his “counseling protocol.” So much for all those who say it doesn’t matter if athletes learn to go to class. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

Not sure if the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, but after the “Hail Mary” offensive pass interference penalty he drew on Jimmy Graham,  CB Perrish Cox has reportedly been offered a tryout by several professional soccer teams.

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If football games were 58 minutes long ‪#‎Saints‬ would be midseason favorites to win ‪#‎superbowl‬. ‪#‎SFvsNO‬ ‪#‎cantfinish‬

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Freed missionary Kenneth Bae, back in the U.S. from North Korea, said “It’s been an amazing two years, I learned a lot.” Like maybe not to lead tour groups to North Korea?

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Arctic temperature will reach across much of the U.S. this week, with even a chance of snow in D.C. Proving some were right when they said hell would freeze over before we’d see a GOP landslide this year.

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One last thought on last Tuesday’s election. Whatever you think of President Obama’s candidates from both parties tried to hard to distance themselves from him. voters may well have figured at least they’d go for the honest ones.

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Label notation of the year award:  “May have been processed on equipment that was also used to process nuts.”   On a jar of peanut butter.

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Class, nothing but class. (seriously)

October 30, 2014

After the SF Giants win, the folks at Kaufmann stadium turned the fountains to orange.   And hey, since the Giants are an even year team, happy to root for the KC Royals in 2015.

 

 

fountains

 

If poetry is “emotion recollected in tranquility,” then these World Series post game shows are indeed poetry. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Doesn’t it seem sometimes like Joe ‪#‎Panik‬ has always been at 2nd for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬? ‪#‎realbaseballplayer‬

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But breathing plan for Game 7.   Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Ah screw it, so how long can you hold your breath anyway? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Game7‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

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Chicks dig the small ball ‪#‎sfgiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

 

 

 

 

SF Giants have accomplished a double mission. First, winning the World Series. Second, giving all their fans a free cardiac stress test.

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And yet, win or lose, Giamatti was right about baseball. Nonetheless, Go Giants.

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. “

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Joe Maddon is the new manager of the Chicago Cubs, reportedly for about a 5 year, $25 million contract. Which might work out to over $8 million a year. ‪#‎tradition‬ ‪#‎waituntilnextyear

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Jeb Bush has hit the metaphorical campaign trail, assailing Obama for his Ebola response, saying it “fueled fears that may not be justified.”So what the President really should have done to calm Americans was start shutting down the media? Starting with FOX News.

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Harold Reynolds last night during the World Series telecast called Bud Selig “the greatest (MLB) commissioner of all time.” Hard to imagine but someone did it. Proved they could be worse about baseball than Joe Buck,

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Not alas, the Onion. In Arizona, the Senate Judiciary Committee endorsed a bill that would allow employers to ask employees for proof that they are seeking contraceptives for purposes other than sex. (like acne, or hormone issues) and deny them coverage if they don’t comply. Where’s the bill to ban coverage for Viagra?

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Jerry Jones on whether Tony Romo will play next week. “This is a function of pain tolerance. And Cowboys fans during the Romo years are rolling their eyes and thinking “we know all about pain tolerance.”

 

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Poor Julius Randle. The Lakers rookie, who broke his leg in the season opener, will probably be out for the year. On a brighter note, next year Randle has a good chance of playing with a #1 draft pick.

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Bill Littlejohn, on Florida football coach Will Muschamp saying he’s adopting a bunker mentality: “Which one, Archie or Edith?”


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