Posted tagged ‘Lakers jokes’

Class, nothing but class. (seriously)

October 30, 2014

After the SF Giants win, the folks at Kaufmann stadium turned the fountains to orange.   And hey, since the Giants are an even year team, happy to root for the KC Royals in 2015.

 

 

fountains

 

If poetry is “emotion recollected in tranquility,” then these World Series post game shows are indeed poetry. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Doesn’t it seem sometimes like Joe ‪#‎Panik‬ has always been at 2nd for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬? ‪#‎realbaseballplayer‬

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But breathing plan for Game 7.   Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Ah screw it, so how long can you hold your breath anyway? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Game7‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

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Chicks dig the small ball ‪#‎sfgiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

 

 

 

 

SF Giants have accomplished a double mission. First, winning the World Series. Second, giving all their fans a free cardiac stress test.

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And yet, win or lose, Giamatti was right about baseball. Nonetheless, Go Giants.

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. “

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Joe Maddon is the new manager of the Chicago Cubs, reportedly for about a 5 year, $25 million contract. Which might work out to over $8 million a year. ‪#‎tradition‬ ‪#‎waituntilnextyear

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Jeb Bush has hit the metaphorical campaign trail, assailing Obama for his Ebola response, saying it “fueled fears that may not be justified.”So what the President really should have done to calm Americans was start shutting down the media? Starting with FOX News.

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Harold Reynolds last night during the World Series telecast called Bud Selig “the greatest (MLB) commissioner of all time.” Hard to imagine but someone did it. Proved they could be worse about baseball than Joe Buck,

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Not alas, the Onion. In Arizona, the Senate Judiciary Committee endorsed a bill that would allow employers to ask employees for proof that they are seeking contraceptives for purposes other than sex. (like acne, or hormone issues) and deny them coverage if they don’t comply. Where’s the bill to ban coverage for Viagra?

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Jerry Jones on whether Tony Romo will play next week. “This is a function of pain tolerance. And Cowboys fans during the Romo years are rolling their eyes and thinking “we know all about pain tolerance.”

 

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Poor Julius Randle. The Lakers rookie, who broke his leg in the season opener, will probably be out for the year. On a brighter note, next year Randle has a good chance of playing with a #1 draft pick.

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Bill Littlejohn, on Florida football coach Will Muschamp saying he’s adopting a bunker mentality: “Which one, Archie or Edith?”

Sure thing?

October 23, 2014

“Experts” haven’t done very well with MLB postseason predictions. Though many of them are now confidently predicting that either the winner of game 1 or game 2 will end up World Series Champions.

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It’s not just baseball. USA Today announced their seven experts’ picks for this weekend in the NFL, along with their pre-season predictions for the Super Bowl. The picks? Two for the Patriots, two for the Seahawks, two for the Saints and one for the Packers. ‪#‎throwingdarts‬?

 

In a Chevrolet commercial Mo’ne Davis talks about being a girl and throwing 70 mph. And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.

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So ratings are down for the World Series? Bummer for FOX. Of course, they could have done something radical like actually showing more than a few playoff games earlier this October on network television.

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Careerbuilders just released their list of the year’s Top 10 ridiculous excuses for calling in sick.   #2. “Employee caught their uniform on fire by putting it in the microwave to dry.” And millions of Americans are thinking “Wow, okay, so you can’t do that?”

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Dogs tackled the latest White House fence jumper and police were able to arrest him. Hmm, if the Secret Service just upgrades the dog commands from “stop” we might have fewer security breaches and a reduced K-9 pet food bill.

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Michigan announced that their 2015 student season passes to all football games, now $280, will be $175. And many fans responded, “You’re paying us, right?”

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South Carolina House Speaker Bobby Harrell resigned today after pleading guilty to six counts of misconduct in office charges over taking campaign money for his personal use. The former speaker received a suspended sentence with probation and must pay the the $93,958 back plus a $30,000 fine. $93,958?!!. Theft of over $2000 is felony grand larceny in the state. So who does Harrell think he is, a football player?

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Oscar Pistorius is apparently crying himself to sleep in prison. “I feel so sorry for him.” said nobody.

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A Delta airplane and a Delta Connection plane clipped wings at Minneapolis Airport while one was taxiing and the other was backing out from the gate. No injuries, and the airline responded ” Safety is always Delta’s top priority.” Well, maybe second from the top, after saving money by outsourcing ground personnel jobs to near minimum wage workers.

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Lakers president Jeanie Buss says “Any free agent that would be afraid to play with Kobe Bryant is probably a loser.” Well, at this point either that or said player might have some crazy dream of going to the NBA playoffs.

 

Another thought about this substitute teacher accused of having sex with a high school student. Times have changed. Most fun we had in our day with a substitute was games with fake names for attendance. Mickey Mouse, Ima Nutt, etc. And the famous Dick Hertz. (Which would lead to the roll call and no one answering… then if we were lucky “Okay, who’s Dick Hertz?”) ‪#‎TBT‬

 

Reports are that Steve Nash will be out for the entire 2014-15 NBA season with nerve issues. Shocking. You mean Steve Nash hasn’t already retired?

 

 

The first ‪#‎Ebola‬ case has been diagnosed in in ‪#‎NewYorkCity‬. Uh oh, this could mean a media frenzy.

Follow the money

May 19, 2014

The NY Racing Association stewards today unanimously approved equine nasal strips. Which means California Chrome can wear one during the Belmont. Translation, “we want people to watch the race.”

 

Disney is hiking prices for its one-day “Parkhopper” pass to both Disneyland and California Adventure Park over 10% to $150. For that amount of money people who want to see a high-priced Mickey Mouse organization can buy Lakers tickets

 

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Gender equality “crooks are stupid” moment. Danielle Shea, 22, had dropped out of Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. But she hadn’t told her parents, who were still sending money for tuition. So, as she admitted to police, she made bomb threats before the graduation ceremony so her parents wouldn’t find out. (Police caught Ms. Shea because she made the threats from her own phone.)

 

Kudos to Brandon Marshall, who signed his 3 year, $31 million contract extension with the Chicago Bears today on “The View.” Marshall, who has said he has a Borderline Personality Disorder, also said he would donate $1 million to mental health services. Nice move, and guessing Bears fans who might have a problem with it weren’t likely to be watching “The View” anyway.

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A European cruise ship, the Saga Sapphire, was temporarily stranded off the coast of Scotland when a fire caused the vessel to lose power. But the crew was able to quickly contain the blaze and restore power so the Sapphire will return to port and its regular schedule as normal. The passengers were relieved. CNN is disappointed.

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At Austin Peay State, in Tennessee, a giant 40 foot sinkhole has opened up in one end zone. And the Washington Redskins are thinking “Hmm, potentially one way to keep opposing offenses from scoring?”

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About 1.8 million pounds of ground beef in the U.S. is being recalled for possible E. coli contamination. Which means Taco Bell customers are safe as they never use any actual beef anyway.

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All of this speculation over who will and will not run for President in 2016, even though the primaries are almost two years away…. The process is becoming almost as over-hyped as the NFL draft.

 

The FAA is apparently investigating an April incident where a United Airlines flight from SFO landing at Newark apparently came within 400 feet of an ExpressJet United Express flight taking off. See, there are potentially worse things that can happen than just ending up in New Jersey.

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So the problem a lot of people have with the San Antonio Spurs is that they are “boring?” Meaning they play team basketball without a lot of showboating and their stars generally stay on the sports page instead of the front page? And the NBA wonders sometimes why they have an image problem.

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Researchers at the University of Sydney examined seven sets of data involving more than 1.25 million children and concluded that there was NO evidence to support a relationship between common vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus and whooping cough and the development of autism. Which will convince exactly no one who believes otherwise because it involves commie-pinko science and numbers.

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Lance Armstrong apparently tweeted a picture while he was playing “Cards Against Humanity,” and got the card saying “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.” But the real question, which card did Lance use to answer?

Marching forward.

March 8, 2014

Friday night, Harvard beat Yale to become the first team to reach the NCAA tournament.   Meaning it’s just about time for those words that gladden the hearts of sports fans across America:  “Gentlemen, (and ladies), start your brackets.”

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Due to a Labor dispute, MLS says they are starting the season Saturday with replacement referees. Although if the refs screw up, will any Americans notice?

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Nike just signed Johnny Manziel to a major contract. Making their new internal motto for him. “If you’re considering something stupid, Just Don’t Do It.”

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Beginning to look in Oscar Pistorius’s case like his only hope for being found innocent would have been getting the trial moved to Los Angeles.

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Rutgers has to fire their men’s basketball coach after a video surfaces of him abusing players, new AD Julie Hermann had issues at Tennessee, then their star alum Ray Rice gets arrested. So the university’s idea of a calming gesture is to appoint as their commencement speaker …. Condoleezza Rice?!

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The #Lakers lost to the #Clippers last night by 48. Bad enough to lose by 48? Even Jack Nicholson can’t handle this truth.

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Rumor has it that the NY Knicks have been talking to Phil Jackson about their coaching job. Maybe the Lakers are making NY look attractive by comparison?

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March 7-8 is theoretically the “National Day of Unplugging.” And of course, there are apps that are supposed to help you unplug. But since for many it’s mostly about acting cool and saying you have the ability to go offline, what about an app that has your device PRETEND it’s unplugged?

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For fans of train wrecks, it’s a real shame the Philadelphia 76ers aren’t playing the Los Angeles Lakers any more this season. Would be fun to see both teams try to disprove the NBA rule that “SOMEONE’s got to win.”

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The Los Angeles Times claims two anonymous members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences voted for “12 Years a Slave” as Best Picture, without actually seeing the movie. Of course, wonder how many people vote for Congress without ever seeing anything from the candidates.

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Albertson’s has purchased and will merge with Safeway. No doubt for consumers this means all the wonderful sort of benefits that accrue with airline mergers.

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Say it ain’t so. New Orleans look to be parting ways with Darrin Sproles. The only Saint where you can buy your kid a jersey, and have it be the same size the player wears.

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Brad Penny has been released by the KC Royals after reportedly punching a wall. Who does he think he is? Kevin Brown?

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

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A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

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The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

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Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

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So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

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After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

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Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

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But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

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Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

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And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

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No woman no crime?

November 2, 2013

 

Another day, another high-profile shooting. For all the words that have been made PC recently, there seems to be little need to change “gunman” to “gunperson.”

 

 

We know very little about the LAX shooting. But a few things we know for sure. Many will call for more stringent gun laws. And the NRA will say that whatever the gun laws were, they would not have made a difference in this case. (And someone will no doubt claim this is a reason why air travelers should be armed…)

 

Allegedly the LAX suspect was carrying a note saying he wanted to “kill TSA and pigs.” So what will one likely result of his shooting be? More TSA and security hired at LAX.

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LAX Gunman is reportedly Paul Anthony Ciancia, 23. And a number of liberals are probably thinking “Whew, he’s not Muslim.” And some conservatives are probably thinking “Darn, he’s not Muslm.”

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And now back to the silly stuff…    Because even on bad days  there is always silly stuff.

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A man is suing the KC Royals because of injuries to his eye plus pain and suffering when he was struck by a 4 ounce foil-wrapped hot dog thrown into the stands by the team’s mascot. Time for some no-texting while watching baseball laws?

 

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Lots of hype for next week’s Thursday night NFL – “Adrian Peterson vs. RGIII.” Alas for the NFL Network, the two will be accompanied by their respective sucky football teams.

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Honey Boo Boo’s family apparently dressed up as the Kardashian family for Halloween. Does this even need a punchline?

 

Michael Jordan, who now owns the Charlotte Bobcats, said “I don’t believe” in having the team deliberately tank in order to rebuild by getting a top draft pick. Besides, since the Bobcats have been 62-168 the last 3 years, losing doesn’t seem to be working anyway.

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Jacksonville Jaguars WR Justin Blackmon has been suspended indefinitely for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. This could really put a damper on the 0-8 team’s season.

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The NY Yankees have signed Derek Jeter to a one-year, $12 million contract. Which is less expensive than it sounds, as the Captain’s health insurance will be covered by Medicare.

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A British Labour politician, unhappy with bipartisan good wishes from his colleagues on the occasion of Prince William’s christening, complained that “valuable Parliamentary time” had been taken up to “congratulate two very wealthy aristocrats for procreating”. The English were shocked – Parliament HAS valuable time?

 

Delta and JetBlue are the first airlines to allow e-readers from gate to gate following the FAA’s ruling yesterday. Of course, some passengers had already discovered a way to read without interruption on a plane – printed books.

 

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers Friday night 91-85 in their first meeting of the season. Otherwise known as the AARP Classic.

 

Iowa LB Marcus Collins was dismissed from the team after a DUI arrest. While he was driving on a suspended or cancelled license, AND while he was already suspended from football for “undisclosed reasons.” Not sure what Collins is majoring in but guessing it’s not rocket science.

 

 

Police have uncovered a 1,760-foot drug smuggling ‘super tunnel’ from Tijuana to San Diego, which has power, vents and its own rail system. The tunnel was so elaborately well-crafted, maybe the states should plea-bargain with its architects to work on California’s proposed high speed rail?

The party (bus) is over…?

September 23, 2013

It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle

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Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-

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Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…

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President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he  was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.

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Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.

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Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”

 

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How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?

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From my friend Jim Barach:   A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)

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Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.

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Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.

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“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”

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Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.


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