Posted tagged ‘Kate Middleton jokes’

For the birds

July 20, 2013

Now even ESPN is reporting on the increasing problem with seagulls showing up in mass numbers during SF Giants games. Time for a new promo? “Bring Your Cat” night.

(An anonymous friend suggests “free shotguns for the first 20,000 fans”

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Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas has died at the age of 92. Whatever you thought of her politics, she had more cojones than most men in the job.

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NY Giants safety Will Hill was suspended for four games in 2012 for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing substances policy. Today, the league says Hill violated the policy again and will be suspended in 2013 —for four more games. Yeah, but this time it will really teach him.

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Yoenis Cespedes was scratched from the Oakland A’s game against the Los Angeles Angels yesterday due to a “sore left wrist.” Not maybe what Bud Selig had in mind when he wanted the All-Star game to count.

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Signs that we’re getting to the serious part of the baseball season: 1. The All-Star Break. 2. The Red Sox and Yankees are back on the “Game of the Week” and “Sunday Night Baseball.”

 

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Have to assume that Kate Middleton is insulated from the nonstop British media coverage of the royal baby watch.  But probably her biggest regret about the early morning sickness is not being able to pretend she got pregnant a month or two later. Then she could declare a late August due date, and just tell  the public  “Surprise!”

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Dennis Baxley, one of the authors of Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, said that people shouldn’t boycott the state, because the law was intended in part to help protect tourists. “If you’re here with your family and you want to feel safe, that if you defend yourself or your family from a hotel invasion or if somebody [is] trying to carjack you, and you have to meet force with force,” you should know that the state of Florida won’t prosecute you.”

Should we rename it “the trigger-happiest place on Earth?”

 

There’s nothing like a dame. Helen Mirren, talking to the U.K. Daily Mail: “If I’d had children and had a girl, the first words I would have taught her would have been “f*** off” because we weren’t brought up ever to say that to anyone, were we?

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Mariano Rivera was cheered today in Fenway Park. A nice gesture by the Boston fans, but besides recognizing his accomplishments, they’re also thinking “After this year we don’t have to see him anymore.”

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Bizarre thing about this roller coaster death in Texas. It will scare millions of people out of riding roller coasters. And will make millions more more likely to ride them.

 

 

About 1,000 Montreal fans were at today’s Blue Jays game, with the announced mission of trying to get major league baseball back in their city. Amazing that they could still get all the Expos’ season ticket holders together.

No “I” in Team.

December 4, 2012

And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.

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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.

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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.

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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?

 

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

 

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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?

Adds Nick Coombs,  “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”

 

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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….

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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?

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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.

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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”

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Groaner alert:

There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”


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