Posted tagged ‘Kardashian jokes’

Fast times?

August 13, 2014

Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been charged with reckless driving for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone in Virginia’s Fairfax County. Locals are shocked. With D.C. area traffic, they didn’t think there was anywhere you could get going that fast..

(Meanwhile in Los Angeles the Dodgers are thinking “Nobody tell Puig”)

-

Justin Bieber avoided a DUI conviction by pleading guilty today to misdemeanor charges of careless driving and resisting arrest stemming from his run in with Miami Beach police this January. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Bieber’s next arrest?
-

Apparently Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian think someone working on their TV show has been stealing jewelry and cash from their homes, and are saying if the thief isn’t caught they won’t film season 10 of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Which could be the biggest incentive ever for lazy police work.

-

White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson, after a play was overturned for the Chicago catcher blocking the plate, and the SF Giants went on to score 7 runs in the inning. “Next thing you know we’ll have catchers wearing skirts out there.” Wonder if SF Giants fans can take up a collection to have Hunter Pence wear a skirt on Friday night.

-

OK, so the plate blocking rule needs tweaking & it gave the #SFGiants a run today against the #Whitesox. But it didn’t give them the next 6.

-

-
Airline customer service at its finest. American Airlines offers a traveler a $500 voucher to take a later flight. He accepts. Certificate can be redeemed by phone, where AA has a ticketing charge. Or at an AA ticket office. Except the airline has closed their ticket offices. Only humans who can issue ticket are at the airports.

-

-
An American woman and her boyfriend were arrested when the body of the woman’s mother was found stuffed inside a suitcase at the St. Regis in Bali. What was the couple thinking? They’d have never gotten the suitcase on a plane without serious overweight baggage charges.

-

-

Rush Limbaugh yesterday suggested that Robin Williams committed suicide because of his “leftist world view.” “What is the left’s world view in general?” “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?” Annie Savoy in Bull Durham got it right – “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness.”

-

Edward Snowden, interviewed on returning to the U.S. “I told the government I’d volunteer for prison, as long as it served the right purpose. I care more about the country than what happens to me.” And then Snowden presumably returned to his project of trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the Russians.

-

Rand Paul was asked to name one word for when he thinks of Chris Christie. His answer “Bridges.” Wonder if Paul will try to get Simon and Garfunkel at a campaign event.

-

After a reported two-month long investigation, three women in Redwood City massage parlors were arrested today or alleged solicitation of prostitution, pimping and pandering. Because there’s so little crime in Northern California that police have nothing better to do?

-

Tried a new hair gloss and decided actually to read the directions. “Caution. For external use only.” Wow, glad I saw that…

The pain, the pain

August 9, 2014

And we think the 1% have no problems:. This tweet from golfer Ian Poulter: ‘Booked 6 business seats for my wife & nanny to fly home and British Airways downgrade my nanny so katie has no help for 10 hours with 4 kids.” Tragic, really.

-

 

Get out more violins. Former Illinois Congressman Bobby Schilling, who made $174,000 a year for the 2 years he served in the house,, and over $100,000 in 2013 is running again. And Schilling is running against Obamacare saying “the folks that are living paycheck-to-paycheck, which is most Americans, including myself, is that, you know, this is not something that you want to be putting out when you’ve got a kid that wants to play sports or you want to take a trip for vacation.”

-

With all the problems in the world right now, some criticize President Obama for still planning to take his 2 week vacation. Guess they’d prefer him to stay in Washington to do more things wrong?

-

Kim Kardashian is putting out a book of “selfies” titled “Selfish” – Kim Kardashian. Isn’t that redundant?

 

-

LeBron James – on staying in Cleveland long term- “”I don’t plan on going nowhere. I don’t have the energy to do it again.” Well, and another round of jersey burnings would be very bad for the environment.

 

 

Two women planning to be married in Pennsylvania were told by a bridal shop that they do not serve same-sex couples. The owner, Victoria Miller, told a reporter “We feel we have to answer to God for what we do, And providing those two girls dresses for a sanctified marriage would break God’s law.” Just wondering, does the owner also ask for proof of virginity with her heterosexual couples? And presume she only does second marriages for widows and widowers..

-

And really, for a proper wedding, do you really want to potentially alienate all the florists, hairdressers, makeup artists and wait staff?

 

-

In Oklahoma, a new teacher was arrested when she showed up on the first day of school, allegedly intoxicated and not wearing pants. Usually it takes a few weeks for a class to drive their teacher to drink.

Not so fast times.

May 23, 2014

Yu Darvish threw a 55 MPH pitch yesterday to Torii Hunter. The commentators referred to it as an eephus pitch. SF Giants fans saw it and thought more “Barry Zito fastball.”

 

Do get the feeling that the only way most Americans would know about the coup in Thailand is if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were planning their wedding there and the ceremony was postponed….

-

Chipotle has asked customers not to bring guns into their restaurants. And in some “open carry” states, people are asking, “Wait, but how else are we going to get the morons in front of us to hurry up and order?”

-

Landon Donovan has been left off the U.S. World Cup team. Well, at least America’s possible best soccer player ever is likely to miss only one round.

-

Donald Sterling apparently will allow his wife Shelley to sell the Clippers. Guess he figured out they had about a billion reasons to do so?

-

Why education really SHOULD matter to student athletes. As the SF Chronicle reports, on May 3, Cal safety Damariay Drew went with his teammates to San Quentin. The idea being to show the players the consequences of bad decisions. On May 6, in Berkeley, Drew was arrested for alleged felony battery….

-

The Baltimore Ravens had a press conference with Ray Rice and his now wife. And the Ravens TWEETED this out “Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.” Even Chris Brown is thinking this is f**ked up

 

The Washington Redskins responded to the letter sent by 50 U.S. Senators asking them to change their name. Saying that the team is “a positive, unifying force for our community in a city and region that is divided on so many levels.” Not sure about “positive” but “unifying” for sure. Who else but the Redskins can get the whole city together screaming “Dan Snyder s*cks!”

 

Colin Kaepernick and Richard Sherman are apparently the finalists for the cover of “Madden 15.” Based on the video game’s history, maybe 49ers fans should all be rooting for Sherman.

-

Colts owner Robert Irsay will only face two misdemeanor charges resulting from his March DUI arrest, where he was also caught with $29,000 in cash in the car and “numerous” prescription bottles. So he probably won’t do jail time but is expected to face discipline from the NFL. Probably almost as severe a punishment as Roger Goodell doles out for players with the wrong socks.

-

Angelina Jolie, saying that she doesn’t have it that hard as a working mom “I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain “Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.” Who knew? Self-awareness? This could get her drummed out of Hollywood.

-

As tough as it is for writers out there, you’d think NFL players could hire one cheaply to edit their statements to the press. Ray Rice, talking about his domestic violence episode. “”I won’t call myself a failure. Failure is not getting knocked down. It’s not getting up.”

-

From my friend Alex Kaseberg “ If I was a writer for the Redskins – and they thank god I am not – I would respond to the US Senators’s demand for a name change with; “You are right, our name is awful and horrific. From now on we are the District of Columbia Redskins.”

-

The #SFGiants Jeremy Affeldt almost hit by a foul ball while jogging to bullpen. Giants fans amazed he didn’t end up on the DL for weeks.

-

Colorado’s young star 3B Nolan Arenado is no doubt heading to the DL after breaking his finger after sliding head-first into 2nd. As an SF fan, it’s good for the Giants. As a baseball fan and a mom, guys, use your heads. And not for sliding.

 

From T.C. “Prince Charles and Camilla have arrived in Winnipeg for the final leg of their Canadian tour. For the record, Camilla is NOT wearing a nasal strip.”

The gangs that couldn’t shoot, period.

December 4, 2013

The San Antonio Spurs and Minnesota Timberwolves were to play a game in Mexico City Wednesday night,  but the arena was evacuated before tipoff because of smoke inside the arena. This would never happen if the Knicks and Nets were playing. Neither team is hot enough to generate smoke.

 

 

The Knicks and Nets are playing Thursday night. Do NBA rules require that someone really has to win?

 

-

Carmelo Anthony says the NY Knicks are the “laughingstock of the league” right now. And the Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Who are we, chopped liver?”

-

The Raptors blew a 27 point third-quarter lead last night in losing to the Golden State Warriors. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to Toronto recently not involving Rob Ford.

-

Krispy Kreme shares fell 20% yesterday after disappointing earnings. Maybe analysts got a little too over-optimistic with those new marijuana legalization laws.

-

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin has been fined $100,000 for his sideline interference with Jacoby Jones. Hmm, sounds like Tomlin could have saved $50,000 by just spilling a drink on him.

-

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West may have their wedding at the Palace of Versailles.    Thinking of what happened to the couple who last used the place…   And just guessing the Kim and Kanye weren’t big history students?

(maybe they’ll be married in the Petit Trianon. With lots of cake?)

 

 

-

Scientists are working on developing an artificial heart without a pulse. Big deal. Dick Cheney has lived 72 years having a pulse without a heart.

-

Willie Meggs, the State Attorney handling the sexual assault investigation of Florida State QB Jameis Winston said he will announce the investigation results tomorrow at 2 pm. Meggs added that the investigation was “not based on a football schedule or anyone else’s calendar.” And he said it with a straight face.

-

San Francisco area news stations are making much of the fact that the weather is expected to be near freezing tonight. And on the East Coast they are thinking “Just STFU.”

-

From Alex Kaseberg:  “Dennis Rodman has launched his own line of vodka. Which is pretty much like a fire launching its own line of gasoline.”

Morning after of the nearly dead.

October 31, 2013

Scariest thing for many of us on Halloween. No more MLB baseball games this season. But only 104 days until pitchers and catchers report.

-

In Mexico, November 1 is known as “Day of the Dead.”    In the U.S., it’s “National Half-Price Candy Day.”

-

All the talk about Halloween being such an unhealthy holiday because of kids going out to get and eat bags full of candy.  So what’s the most popular pre-Trick-or-treating meal in the U.S?’    Pizza

-

Google says they are “outraged” by alleged NSA snooping. They say if anyone is snooping on their customers it should be Google themselves.

-

Some people say we have children as an excuse to buy toys at Christmas/Hanukkah. Looking at pictures today I’d say there’s an equally good chance some people have children just to come up with adorable Halloween costumes.

-

Hallmark has changed an “ugly sweater” Christmas ornament they were selling from saying “Don we now our gay apparel,” to “Don we now our fun apparel.” Reportedly due to consumer backlash. But was it homophobic backlash, or backlash from gays who said they would never be caught dead in an ugly sweater?

Image

-

Dell Computers is admitting that some of its new laptops smell like a cat litter box. Are they sure it’s the machine and not the latest version of Windows.

-

An NFL game ended Thursday night in overtime on a safety? That’s almost as unbelievable as a baseball game ending on an obstruction call.

-

Kim Kardashian told Jay Leno her selfie in a skimpy swimsuit was her “big, like, middle finger to the world.” I thought the Kardashians themselves were a big middle finger to the world.,

-

So the new FAA regulations say passengers will be able to use their cellphones on planes with the doors closed, but not for phone calls nor text or email. And of course all passengers will obey that directive….

-

A number of media outlets are trying to make something out of the fact that Pamela Anderson cut her long blonde hair into a pixie cut. Perhaps they are oblivious to the fact that most men don’t pay attention to Pamela for her hair….?

-

Now there’s medical marijuana for pets. So what’s the next product, cat and dog food flavored like Doritos?

-

From T.C.  “Last night, the Red Sox won the World Series at home in Boston for the first time since 1918 vs the Cubs. Baseball fans were shocked, the Cubs were in a World Series?”

.

From Bill Littlejohn   “O.J. Simpson can still vote in Florida while thousands of others can’t—-they’re hoping that some day he can find 2000’s ‘real voters'”

Doh – ritos

October 22, 2013

A new Gallup poll says 58% of Americans now support legalizing marijuana, the highest percentage ever. And no doubt that doesn’t count another 5-10% who responded, “uh, sure, maybe, I don’t know, what was that question again, man?

-

n an effort to combat drug-trafficking, Uruguay will start selling legal marijuana for $1 a gram. In related news, expect travel agents soon to report a huge surge in vacation requests for Montevideo.

-

Why punctuation and careful typing matters, sports version. A fan purchased a World Series ticket on Stubhub for $3.00 (plus a $3 service fee). After the seller apparently left out a comma and/or a couple zeros.

-

Temperatures in Boston are supposed to dip down to near freezing Wednesday night for the opening of the World Series. Guess that’s why they call it the “Winter Classic.”

-

The NFL continues their Europe marketing plan with SF-Jacksonsville in London this weekend. And the Brits are thinking “Okay, thanks for sending the 49ers over, don’t we get a second professional team?”

-

Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park. So SF fans, yes, the park has finally seen something scarier than the 2013 Giants’ hitting with runners in scoring position….

(alternate punchline “scarier than Brian Wilson in a Dodgers uniform.”    Other suggestions encouraged.)

-

Tim Lincecum signed a new contract with the SF Giants for two years, $35 million. Guess we know a reason why they were willing to take Kanye West’s money.

-

John McCain is thinking of running for re-election to the Senate in 2016, when he will be 80. And Hillary Clinton is thrilled- McCain will make her look young and vigorous!

-

-

Why men should not do wedding planning. A British groom was sentenced to a year in jail after he admitted to calling in a bomb hoax for St. George’s Hall in Liverpool. He was trying to cover up the fact he had forgotten to book the hall for his own wedding…..

-

Apparently the NY Jets knew the Patriots might try the illegal pushing play during field goals, and alerted the refs to watch for it. And the Sunday before, the Patriots had allegedly tried it against New Orleans, whose defensive coordinator is… Rob Ryan. Oh brother.

-

Regarding the Obamacare website and the idea that it would be up and running without bugs on schedule: these folks may know how to reform healthcare, but they sure don’t know software engineers.

-

Despite polls showing the voters overwhelmingly blaming the GOP for the government shutdown, Ted Cruz said he’ll try to do it again in January. At this rate the Texas senator stands to get a lot of donations – from Democrats.

-

Just proving that when it comes to crazy, your state may matter more than your political party. Democratic congressman Alan Grayson, who is white, sent a fundraising email which equated the Tea Party to the Ku Klux Klan, and had a burning cross for the letter “T.” Yes, he’s from Florida.

-

Truth from Jim Barach:  A poll says that nearly half of all Americans say that everyone in Congress should be replaced. All that needs to happen is for those people to tell that to the quarter of Americans who actually vote in congressional elections.

Sorry, Charlie

August 16, 2013

The Philadelphia Phillies fired Charlie Manuel, the winningest manager in their history. Guess out of respect for all he had done the team decided not to make him suffer through the last 6 weeks of the season.

-

The GOP voted Friday not to allow CNN and NBC to sponsor their presidential primary debates if those networks air their programs about Hillary Clinton. The first step in a GOP victory plan to keep ANYONE from televising their presidential primary debates?

-

Former Stanford pitcher Drew Storen has to be thankful to the SF Giants. He’d been sent down to AAA, but was recalled after Thursday’s game. Apparently the Nationals figured if their relievers couldn’t hold a lead against the Giants offense, they needed help fast.

-

A new principal at Palo Alto (CA) High school has sent a letter to students warning them to stop the tradition of streaking on campus or face suspension. Here’s a simpler suggestion: remind students that their streaking will probably end up on Youtube for their future children, employers, etc to see….

-

A 60 Minutes report said that A-Rod’s representatives were the ones that leaked the names of Ryan Braun and Yankees’ catcher Francisco Cervelli to MLB’s PED investigation. Added to his other problems, there goes Rodriguez’s chance of ever winning Miss Congeniality.

-

A-Rod today later denied the report that he implicated fellow players, including a teammate as PED users. And why should we doubt anything Rodriguez says?

A new study found that drinking more than four cups of coffee is more likely to result in an early death. Wonder what the stats are for early death for anyone living with someone like that who DIDN’T make sure they had at least one cup of coffee in the morning.

-

Meanwhile, a new Columbia University study found that 5 year-old children who drank at least 4 servings of soda a day were twice as likely than those who drank no soda to display aggressive violent behaviors and have trouble following instructions. Uh, my guess is 5 year-old kids with parents giving them at least 4 sodas a day just might have other issues affecting their behavior.

-

What’s going on? Friday night the SF Giants almost outscored the SF 49ers?

(And who else saw the 14-10 score and thought-  I didn’t realize the 49ers were playing the Dolphins?)

-

NJ Governor Chris Christie says he’d accept a medical marijuana bill allowing edible marijuana to be dispensed only to minors, not to patients of all ages. Well, guess he’s as well acquainted as anyone about the danger of adults getting the munchies?

-

Kim Kardashian slammed Katie Couric on Instagram for sending her a baby gift, since Couric said recently she didn’t understand why the Kardashians were so famous. Kim’s caption read: “IHateFakeMediaFriends” Uh, does she think she has any real media friends?

-

From Jim Barach:  Consumer experts say that people need to be careful now that Obamacare is taking hold as there are opportunities for swindlers, con men and rip-off artists. As opposed to the current health care system which is full of swindlers, con men and rip-off artists.

Weighty issues?

June 22, 2013

The Food Network dropped Paula Deen after she admitted to using racial slurs in the past. That crashing sound you hear is the bottom falling out of the butter market.

-

The New England Patriots are traveling to New Orleans to play the Saints this October. I can see the signs in the Superdome now “At least we didn’t kill anybody.”

-

A Northern California woman who was just released from jail allegedly celebrated by drinking, and drove into parked car, a tree and then a house. With a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. No injuries but missed a Darwin award by THAT much…

-

So in return for allowing $40 million of his assets to be distributed to his victims, former Enron CEO’s Jeffrey Skilling’s sentence has been reduced from 24 to 14 years. Everyone has a price. Guess the price of our justice system has rarely been so specifically quantified.

 

Wonder what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s reasoning was for naming their baby “North?” Did they figure without an unusual name the poor little girl might be overlooked and not get any attention?

(or as my friend Alex Kaseberg added,  “Because the name Future Ugly Custody Battle was too long..”)

 

Gov. Chris Christie is ordering all New Jersey government buildings in the sttate to fly flags at half-staff on Monday to honor James Gandolfini. Nothing bad better happen to Bruce Springsteen on Christie’s watch, the governor would shut the whole state down

-

Cliff Alexander, ESPN’s #2 high school prospect, just announced 10 colleges he is considering. (Kansas, Michigan State, Kentucky, Louisville, Illinois, DePaul, Indiana, Memphis, Baylor and Arizona.) It’s a big decision, Alexander has to choose where he’s going to spend a whole six or seven months of his life.

-

All these folks anointing Lebron James as one of the best ever after the Heat’s win last night. So what most helped him avoid the “over-rated” tag – the Spurs’ missed game 6 free throws, or those non-foul calls?

-

The FAA is reportedly considering relaxing the ban on portable electronic devices during takeoff and landing. Of course, they can’t just consider the cockpit instruments safety issue, there’s the potential of cellphone users being justifiably assaulted by fellow passengers.

-

Southwest Airlines grounded flights Friday night across the western United States due to a computer problem. Other airlines expressed sympathy and immediately added a “computer maintenance fee. “

-

Starbucks is announcing a “small” increase next week in the some of their drink prices. But on a brighter note, the chain also announced that reasonable financing plans will be available.

Good times?

June 8, 2013

Really?!! In talking about his 2012 campaign Mitt Romney said today “I can tell you the hurricane (Sandy) didn’t come at the right time.” Would Mitt like to enlighten us as to when he thinks might have been a good time?

-

Glenn Beck said today “For any role that I have played in dividing, I wish I can take them (my comments) back.” Translation, I wish I hadn’t been fired from my Fox show.

-

From my funny friend R.J. Currie “The NBA fined Miami Heat star LeBron James $5,000 for flopping, which is one minute seven seconds pay he’ll never get back.”

-

Speech-less in San Jose. Some are criticizing President Obama because he delayed his speech for a minute or so when aides forgot to leave his speech at the podium. Well, at least they can’t complain this time about his use of a teleprompter.

-

While Michele Bachmann is not running again for Congress she did hint that she may run for President in 2016. Might be the best news Democrats have had all week.

-

Maybe all kids growing up should get a Miranda rights type lecture on social media. Ian Clarkin might have benefited. After the 18-year-old pitcher said his top baseball moment growing up was watching the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in game 7 of the World Series – “I cannot stand the Yankees, so I was actually in tears I was so happy,” And of course, who drafted him? The Yankees.

-

Kim Kardashian is upset with pararazzi hoping to get a picture of her while pregnant and has called for “laws to be put in place to prevent this behavior.” Wonder if Kim will take her campaign for privacy to her reality show.

-

Despite perhaps a smoking gun, or should I say smoking syringe, many MLB analysts think there will be few if any more suspensions from the Bigenesis mess. Is this baseball’s version of “Too big to fail?”

-

American Airlines is almost doubling their charge for a second bag checked on flights to Europe, from $60 to $100. Wonder how much they’d charge to check a bag that would always end up on the same flight that you do.

-

Cleveland closer Chris Perez and his wife were charged with misdemeanor possession after drug agents intercepted a marijuana package mailed to his home. Police say Perez told them he had pot for personal use and pointed out two jars. His lawyer says the couple will plead not guilty and “expect a favorable outcome.” Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana and short-term memory.

-

Cincinnati Bengals OT Andrew Whitworth said if he ended up on a team that moved to London he would “hope that I was financially able to quit, because if I was, my papers would be the first one in.” Just wondering, has Whitworth looked at a globe lately? It wouldn’t be the easiest trip, but for example, Boston to London is barely 500 miles more than Miami to Seattle. And it’s closer to Cincinnati than Hawaii, where Whitman happily went to the Pro Bowl.

 

A Texas actress who has had minor TV roles was arrested today and charged with sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Allegedly she did it because she was mad at her husband and hoped to implicate him. Kind of makes “Not tonight, I have a headache” look warm and fuzzy by comparison.

-

The way Dodgers’ rookie Yasiel Puig is hitting, how long until someone with the Giants sends a boat close to the Cuban shore and yells for baseball players to jump in….

The Happie$t Place on Earth?

June 3, 2013

The U.S. Govt says inflation from 2010 to 2013 has only been 6.6%. Today, Disneyland raised Anaheim regular single-day ticket prices to $92, up 28% from $72 in 2010. Their statement: “Like any business, we evaluate and adjust our pricing based on a variety of factors.” Sounds like Disney should be a honorary airline.

-

Dwyane Wade thinks the Miami Heat’s problem against the Indiana Pacers come from the fact that he and Chris Bosh aren’t getting the ball enough. And even Dwight Howard is thinking “Dude, quit whining and play.”

-

Kim Kardashian revealed the sex of the baby she said she won’t raise on reality televison tonight. It’s a girl, and Kim announced it on “Keeping up With the Kardashians.

 

 

Thunderstorms cut short ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball tonight.   But think I speak for most of America in asking “Can’t we just have ALL nationally televised Red Sox-Yankees games only last 6 innings?

-

Los Angeles scratched starting pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu today with a sore foot. After a week where both A.J. Ellis and Matt Kemp were injured. At this point would it be faster to name the Dodgers who AREN’T on the DL?

-

 

Okay, who predicted the SF Giants’ best starting performances in a week would come from Barry #Zito and Chad #Gaudin? #Liarliar

 

Looks like the Indiana Pacers’   Roy Hibbert will be fined for his gay slur and for calling the media “mf-ers” last night. Not sure how much,  but wonder if Sarah Palin has already volunteered to pay the fine for the media part.

-

Darrell Issa , having moved on temporarily from Benghazi to the IRS, referred to White House spokesman Jay Carney today as “their paid liar.” Leaving aside Issa’s own rather checkered past, how did I miss all his outrage back in the days of WMDs?

(a long but interesting read on Issa in the New Yorker, for those who care.   http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/01/24/110124fa_fact_lizza?currentPage=all)

-

Fox Sports apologized before today’s NASCAR race for the broken television cable that interrupted last week’s Coca-Cola 600 and injured 10 fans. Wonder if Fox waited a week to apologize because they were trying to figure how to blame it on Obama?

 

-

A College Republican report on how the GOP lost young voters apparently includes a line about “Perception of the party’s economic stance”: “We’ve become the party that will pat you on your back when you make it, but won’t offer you a hand to help you get there.” Uh, yeah, pretty much.

Ouch, eh?

May 13, 2013

Even Cubs’ fans are sending sympathy notes.

-

The Toronto Maple Leafs had a 4-1 lead in the third period (out of three for non-hockey fans.)  And a two goal lead with 82 seconds to play.  And they lost in overtime.

-

The Leafs absolutely put on a clinic – on how it is possible to play hockey with two hands wrapped tightly around your own neck.

choke

So the Justice Department appears to have been spying on the AP – a major player in the “lame-stream media.” Somewhere, Sarah Palin’s head is about to explode.

-

From my friend Neil Berliner:   Sarah Palin: “The Justice Department should leave the AP alone. Especially my favorite AP; “Angry Birds.”

-

Kim Kardashian says she has become “more of a recluse” during her pregnancy because she is preparing to protect the privacy of her baby. And no doubt she will call a press conference every week to reiterate that fact.

-

Justin Blackmon, arrested for aggravated DUI in 2012, and now suspended for four games for violating NFL’s substance-abuse policy, says he doesn’t have an alcohol or substance-abuse problem. He just has a “problem making a decision.” And Lindsay Lohan chimed in “What he said.”

-

The first hearings on the IRS’s alleged targeting of Tea Party groups start Friday. So how do we get Congress to move this fast on say, little things like a budget and sequestration?

-

Due to a makeup game,  fans who turned on the television Monday morning could see the  Yankees playing baseball.    This only usually happened when ESPN schedules a Sunday night game against the Red Sox.

-

NY Giants co-owner Steve Tisch now says that Tim Tebow “going from the Broncos to the Jets was not in anybody’s best interest” Oh, I don’t know, the deal pretty much guaranteed that however much the Giants might have disappointed in 2013, they wouldn’t be the biggest media/comedy target in New York.

-

Now that’s fast action. Marco Rubio has just demanded that the IRS commissioner resign. Which Douglas H. Shulman, a Bush appointee, has done. Last year. The post has been vacant since November, 2012

-

Minnesota just legalized the rights of gays to marry. Wait a minute… I thought Marcus Bachmann was already married. Oh, they mean to EACH OTHER. Never mind.

Tuckered out?

March 15, 2013

The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis’s voice yelling ‘So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?”

-

Riddle of the morning: What’s the difference between a dirty play and a good hard aggressive play? Answer: Whether or not it happens to YOUR team.

 

Nicki Minaj said of one of her favorite American Idol contestants on elimination night – “If you go home, I’m going home.” And most of America said “Promise?””

-

Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn’t make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they WOULD have been World Champions if not for Kobe’s injury.

-

So allegedly Kris Humphries’ lawyers have obtained a deposition from a producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” saying Kim not only knew about the “surprise” proposal, she had them reshoot the scene to make her reaction look better. “I can’t believe she would be that tacky” said absolutely nobody.

-

 

In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as “freeloaders.” Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term.

-

Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? #guncontrol

-

Clearly don’t know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren’t football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail?

 

Not saying the Notre Dame day-glo lime green basketball uniforms are ugly, but even Oregon football players are saying “What were you THINKING?”

-

The USA fell to 33rd in FIFA rankings. Of course, part of the problem – most Americans said “What’s FIFA?”

-

Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez’s body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be “quite difficult.” Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.’s fault.

-

The Carnival Dream has mechanical problems and is stuck at the dock in St. Martin. Good thing they picked a Pope yesterday so CNN can devote the entire day again to this major story.

-

from T.C.  “Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks.”

Look in the mirror?

February 22, 2013

Okay, for any woman who didn’t like the way her hair or her clothes looked today, cheer up, it could have been much worse.   Kim Kardashian’s newest maternity style:

 

kim

 

Rush Limbaugh said today “I am ashamed of my country.” And most of our country responded – “Funny, that’s the same way we feel about you.”

-

Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z have announced a summer tour that includes a stop at Yankee Stadium July 19. And unlike A-Rod, both promise to deliver some serious hits.

-

Johan Santana’s first Spring Training start has been pushed back two weeks, although  NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson says the pitcher isn’t injured. Guess Santana needs time to head to Brooklyn to look at that bridge he’s going to buy?

-

Outgoing transportation secretary Ray LaHood says that triggered budget cuts may result in 90 minute flight delays. If so, wait for the airlines to add an “boarding area overtime usage fee.”

 

-

New York Knicks GM Glen Grunwald thinks the team can win the NBA championship this year. Even Cubs fans are thinking “this man is delusional.”

 

-

Six young adults have been stabbed, none with life threatening injuries, in a brawl on the street outside a downtown Los Angeles nightclub. Gosh, if they had only had guns to protect themselves.

 

-

If automatic spending cuts go into effect March 1, one group that won’t see their $174,000 salaries cut is Congress. Because the 27th Amendment prohibits members from changing their pay until after the next election. Uh, how hard would it be to write a check to the U.S. Treasury?

 

-

More on Oscar Pistorius, coach Ampie Loew says he would like to see the Olympics star back in training as early as Monday “as a means to shifting his mind onto more positive things than the bloody events of Valentine’s Day morning and the fatal shooting of Steenkamp.”   Wow. Get out the violins for the poor guy…..

-

From my funny friend Jim Barach, “A report says that 38% of restaurants mistakenly label the type of fish they serve. For instance, there are several dishes at Red Lobster that are labeled as “fish”.

-

The Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut is out “indefinitely.” So congrats to all those who had February 22 in the latest pool.

-

Can’t decide what’s more amazing… that the NBA San Antonio Spurs are so consistently good, or that they manage to do it with so little drama.

Oh baby.

January 16, 2013

Kim Kardashian says while she’s very happy with her baby daddy Kanye West, she’s not “in a rush” to get married again. Of course not, why try to sell another televised wedding when you can sell baby pictures.

-

Kim and Kanye’s baby will likely be born the same month as Prince William and Kate’s baby.  Assume that Buckingham Palace has already responded to a Kardashian request for play dates with “Not bloody likely.”

-

-

Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy has accepted the San Diego Chargers’ head coaching job. Well, this is one way for McCoy to reduce the chances of being criticized for his calls late in future playoff games.

 

Is it too soon for Boeing to rename it the “Nightmare Liner?”

-

An Oxnard California teacher lost her appeal after she was fired last spring when students discovered she had appeared in porn films. Wonder how many fathers are signing petitions for THEIR childrens’ schools to give her a second chance.

-

Eighteen severed human heads were discovered by customs agents at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Authorities are trying to discover if the heads are medical specimens. If not, will they be searching topless bars?

-

A Florida lawyer is suing the Spurs for sending their stars home from a road trip early, saying that fans attending San Antonio’s game against the Miami Heat “suffered economic damages” because they paid a premium price for a ticket to see a good team. Yikes. If he is successful, bring on the class action suit from Lakers fans.

-

Not saying relations are combative between the White House and the GOP.. But at this point expect that if President Obama throws out the first pitch on Opening Day, some Republicans will call it a balk.

-

The World Anti-Doping Agency says that Lance Armstrong’s confession to Oprah will not be enough to seek a reduction in his lifetime ban from sports. Have to assume that means Oprah now won’t be getting that additional interview with Pete Rose.

-

Wal-Mart says it will commit to hiring every veteran who honorably left the military in the last year, over 100,000 people. Which is a good thing, although have to wonder how much it mattered to Wal-Mart that these new hires will come with their own healthcare benefits.

-

The U.S. House just approved an aid package for states affected by Superstorm Sandy by a 241-180 vote. Assuming those 180 votes come from members of Congress who never intend to ask for disaster relief for their own states?

Trojan failure?

November 27, 2012

Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.

-

But really, the Spartans over the Trojans?  Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?

-

So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.

-

UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.

-

The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?

-

Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.

-

Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?

-

Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”

-

A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.

-

A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.

-

Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be)  my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.

Dodger dogs,

September 11, 2012

Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)

-

AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:

-

From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein:  “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”

-

Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?

-

A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that  gay relationships are ruining society.

-

You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.

-

After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.

-

At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?

-

 

 

If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities,  it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.

For a small sample,  the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”

(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)

http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe

Two hours and 121 minutes

September 3, 2012

 

 

If the Paul Ryan marathon lie turns out to make a difference in the election it may be the first major political story broken by “Runner’s World.”

-

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has denied Kim Kardiashian’s request for a star., saying receipients need “to have a career in the business of acting for five years or more.” And Kim is a bit deficient in both the career and the acting department.

 

 

Quote of the week? “He and his wife have been wealthy for a number of years, and so I think that’s really the issue. What does he understand about the common man right now?” Michele Bachmann, talking about President Obama.. (Yes, she said it.)

-

 

Bobby Jindal and President Obama apparently had a perfectly civil visit today touring La Place, LA. Maybe that’s a reason Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as a running mate….he’s not a governor of a state that might need federal help from a natural disaster.

 

-

Governor Jindal does hope to get an immediate commitment of federal funds from President Obama,  so he can go back to railing about wasteful government spending as soon as possible.

-

Mitt Romney’s  Monday tweet.  “Labor Day is a chance to celebrate the strong American work ethic, but too many Americans are worrying when their next paycheck will come.”   No mention of labor unions?  I’m shocked, shocked.

-

 

 

 

 

From Gary M. ” Nittany Lions fans no longer shout, “We are, Penn State!” Now they’re shouting, “We are, State Penn!”

 

 

-

 

Open note to Washington Nationals from  SF Giants fans:    Stephen Strasburg is scheduled for only two more starts, against the Cubs and Mets. Why not save the guy for a tougher opponent….for example a week later against the Dodgers?

-

One reason the NCAA has been against a real football playoff system is that it would interfere with classes.   Right, as opposed to things like Monday night college football?

-

Britain’s Prince Andrew, 52, rappelled 239 metres down the side of London’s “The Shard,” this morning to raise money for charity. He went from the 87th to the 20th floor in 30 minutes. “Big deal,” said Paul Ryan, “I did it in 20.”

 

-

 

 

Working girls:

May 25, 2012

When the President visited Redwood City on his visit this week,  a local strip club put up this sign

 

They should have said  – “Welcome Secret Service.”

Or as my friend Ian said “Welcome to San Mateo County.  $5 off a lap dance with your Secret Service ID.”-

-

In Boxford, Massachusetts a police spokesman reported a herd of cows got loose and wandered into a backyard party. Then (no joke) they started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers. Creating presumably a new phenomenon – self tipping cows.

-

Score from South Florida Thursday night:  SF 14 – Miami 7.  Uh, who scheduled a preseason NFL game and didn’t tell us?

-

Berkeley (California) Police Chief Michael Meehan, facing criticism over having 10 police officers search for his son’s stolen iPhone, said it wasn’t “some kind of preferential treatment,” but is something the department “would do for anybody in the city.” Is Meehan smoking something or does he think his constituents are?

-

Lady Gaga is facing criticism from some Thais when she tweeted after landing in Bangkok that she wanted to go to the market and “buy a fake Rolex.” And some folks in New York City are saying “Hey, what are our street vendors? Chopped liver?”

 

-

 

Despite the massive mess that has become the Facebook IPO, Morgan Stanley did make a lot of money on the deal. This quote from another underwriter: “We think (they’ve) done pretty well. Reputation of the bank aside, Facebook hasn’t been a bad trade for Morgan.” Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

 

 

 

A private jet landed safely at Ft. Lauderdale’s airport after losing a door while aloft. The door crashed onto a nearby golf course. Major airlines are studying the story and thinking about adding a “door reinforcement” fee.

-

A rumor in an Australian tabloid said that Kim Kardashian is abusing Valium, but her spokeswoman reportedly replied “It is impossible to be as successful as Kim if you are abusing pills. Her drug is work” Uh, fine, can anyone tell me what work Kardashian actually does?

-

President Obama answered questions on Twitter tonight. This was one campaign function Barack would never delegate to his V.P. No chance Biden ever gets his thoughts under 140 characters.

-

 

Yankees general partner Hal Steinbrenner is denying a NY Daily News story that his family is considering selling the team: “It is pure fiction, the Yankees are not for sale.” Translation, no one’s made us a high enough offer.

-

United Airlines is no longer allowing families with small children to board early. Now if they can just start restricting those who act like small children.

-

HP shares rose after the company, now led by CEO Meg Whitman, announced better than expected profits AND plans to eliminate 27,000 jobs. Can’t imagine how folks like Whitman and Mitt Romney get the reputation of just helping the rich get richer.

-

An alternative High School in Brooklyn, N.Y. will have 500 condoms available for free at the school’s June 7 prom. Some controversy on this, but okay, does anyone really think kids go “Well, I’d never have sex otherwise, but since condoms are available, why not?”

Knicks are Roll-Lin

February 9, 2012

Sign held by an Asian man at Verizon Center where the Jeremy Lin led Knicks beat the Washington Wizards – “Who says we can’t drive?”

-

Unclear on the concept: Jeremy Lin’s former Palo Alto High coach Peter Diepenbrock “In the last 24 hours, I’ve taken calls from more than 12 different sportswriters in New York alone, I didn’t even know New York had that many sportswriters.” Uh, coach, New York has expotentially more sportswriters than 12 just covering the Yankees.

-

Madonna is going to be performing at HP Pavilion, aka the “Shark Tank.” Unlike the San Jose Sharks, however, Madonna has actually made it to a championship game.

-

Mitt Romney said today he’s going to be more aggressive in campaigning against Rick Santorum. Translation, “those Super PACS that I know absolutely nothing about and don’t communicate with are going to get a lot more nasty.”

-

Enlightened male award of the day to Brandon Jacobs of the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants, for his comments about Giselle Bundchen. “She just needs to continue to be cute and shut up.” As if men listen to anything super models say anyway.

(Update, tonight Jacobs apologized for his words. Which means he probably heard from a higher authority -his wife.)

-

Okay, now that Super Bowl betting is over, who’d have wagered that there would be a political controversy over a Clint Eastwood ad? And that Clint would be accused of trying to support a Democratic president?

-

But really, Clint Eastwood makes an ad that can be seen as pro-Obama? Right. Next you’ll be telling me that Bill O’Reilly is supporting Ellen Degeneres.

Actually if Eastwood gets mad enough at all these Republican attacks, maybe he WILL make an ad supporting Obama.

-

The Minnesota Twins are auctioning off a baseball signed before a game last July by Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. No guesses as to the estimated price but expect buyer’s remorse 72 days later.

-

-

Sean Hannity said that if President Obama had his way, Bin Laden would still be alive. and he thinks “that can be proved as well on tape.” Assume that tape is in the same place as Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate?

-

Apparently there are plans afoot to televise Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’s divorce proceedings. Well, those proceedings could last longer than the marriage.

-

Alan Silverleib of CNN wrote a post titled “Conservatives still resist Romney.” Which basically says they doubt his authenticity. As a moderate liberal, can I add “‘Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country?”

-

Memphis has announced they will become the newest Big East member. Well, they are east of new members San Diego State, Boise State, Houston and SMU. (Although the city IS west of, for example, Chicago.)

-

U Conn’s mens basketball, facing sanctions for poor academic performance, is suggesting that the Huskies reduce the # of games they play next year if the NCAA will waive their punishment of being banned from 2013’s March Madness tournament. Can’t imagine how the school gets the reputation of thinking the rules don’t apply to them.

-

With Proposition 8 being at least temporarily overturned in California, one argument that comes up during the gay marriage debate is that legalizing it will lead to people marrying their pets. Which isn’t going to happen. On the other hand, doesn’t mean that some pets aren’t better in relationships than some humans.

America’s game

February 4, 2012

Your tax dollars at work: 35% of people who attend the Super Bowl write it off as a corporate expense.

-

Wonder which team Mitt Romney has picked for his $10,000 bet on the Super Bowl?

-

Newt Gingrich’s latest rant Friday was against the New York City “elites.” Well, at least that leaves out the Mets.

-

The latest music rumor – Adam Lambert is joining Queen. Old time rock and roll fans may ask “Who’s Adam Lambert.” Young music fans may ask “Who’s Queen?”

-

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay said in a statement today “Peyton Manning, Jim Irsay and the entire Colts family remain close and unified.” Sounds like Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian on the 60th or so day of their marriage.

-

Great jobs report today. You know what that means. Time for the GOP to start talking about Obama’s birth certificate again.

-

-

Mitt Romney called today’s drop in unemployment “good news” , but said that “it has taken a lot longer than it should have, in part because of the policies of this administration.” Of course, if unemployment rises in February, it will be completely BECAUSE of President Obama….

-
Rumor has it Kim Kardashian and Mark Sanchez are dating. Is there some way we can make sure they won’t breed?

-

While visiting India, Arnold Schwarzenegger told a TV channel he would consider acting in Bollywood if offered “an interesting script with a good director.” Why? Lack of those things never stopped him making movies here.

-

From Jim Barach: “A woman was arrested after reportedly trying to extort Yankees GM Brian Cashman. Now Cashman knows how fans feel when they go to buy a hot dog and beer at a Yankees game.”

-

A United Airlines flight on Thursday from Chicago to Portland stuck a bird during takeoff and turned around and landed without reported injuries. Well, except for the bird.

-

Several other Big Ten coaches are upset after Urban Meyer allegedly “poached” committed recruits from other conference schools. Meyer denies any violations. And Urban should be an expert on wrongdoing since 31 of his players were arrested during his six years at Florida.

-

The Koch brothers, along with other conservative millionaires and billionaires apparently want to defeat President Obama so badly they are pledging $100 million. $100 million! Or as Mitt Romney calls it “pocket change.”

-

NFL players have been complaining about the injury risks from the 8 Thurs. night games with the shortened recovery period after Sunday. Today Roger Goddell announced they will have 13 Thursday games in 2012, “giving all of the league’s teams a chance to appear in prime time on some outlet.” Can’t imagine how people get the idea the NFL cares more about profits than players.

-

Not a Romney fan but have to love Newt Gingrich attacking today Mitt for his verbal gaffes. At least as far as we know Romney didn’t make a mistake with that “forsaking all others” stuff.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 225 other followers