Posted tagged ‘Johnny Manziel jokes’

A horse is a horse….

May 17, 2014
horse

 

 

The Preakness is just under a 2 minute race.   But a better proportion of action to hype than the #NFLDraft.

 

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And there’s more time between the Preakness and the Belmont than between the NFC/AFC finals and the Super Bowl.  But at least we know none of the athletes are likely to get arrested.

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California Chrome owner Steve Coburn, while hardly politically correct,  seems like the anti- Donald Sterling. #Preakness

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Looking at #ESPN I’m a bit confused. Did anyone get chosen in the #NFLDraft this year besides #JohnnyManziel and #MichaelSam?

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Amazing. The Bakersfield dog who attacked the young boy before he was fought off by Tara the cat, is scheduled to be euthanized. And in the meantime he is trying to bite workers who are feeding him. But the dog also now has people calling the shelter and begging to adopt him. The answer is no. And got to love the shelter director’s response. “I have 200 other dogs that need a home, who haven’t bit anyone and make great family pets.”

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The SF Giants’ Brandon Hicks was called out on instant replay for missing first base on a ball that missed being a home run by less than 2 feet. Your basic 1-3 off the wall put out.

 

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A woman threatened to shoot everyone inside a South Carolina Burger King after she complained that her cinnamon bun wasn’t fresh enough. Was she a tourist from Florida?

 

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Love it. Sarah Palin, mocking Michelle Obama’s for using “hashtagging tweets” as foreign policy,: “Diplomacy via Twitter is the lazy, ineffectual, naive and insulting way for America’s leaders to deal with major national and international issues. It’s embarrassing,” Sarah posted this rant on Facebook.

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Actual warning on a bottle of Korbel sparkling wine – “NEVER open using a corkscrew.” Must have been a lawyer and/or an interesting story behind that one.

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Hyon Song-Wol, said to be Kim Jong-Un’s ex-lover who he ordered to be executed, has apparently appeared alive and well on state television. Will North Korea now announce their Supreme Leader has the ability for resurrection?

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Apparently in 2013, 63 parents in the U.S. named their daughter “Vanellope.” The scariest thing, these people are Darwin ineligible because they have already bred.

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Sometimes change is just a matter of moving to the next generation. A story that is both depressing and gives hope for the future. A Catholic school in San Francisco chose to keep a girl’s senior picture out of the yearbook because she was wearing a tux. But her classmates, boys and girls, are overwhelmingly supporting her.

Reefer and other madness?

May 10, 2014

Just wondering, if you are an NFL player and live in Colorado or Washington, shouldn’t you be able to follow the laws of your state during the offseason?

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Cleveland Browns WR Josh Gordon may be suspended for the season after failing a drug test, allegedly for marijuana . If true this would be Gordon’s FOURTH failed drug test. This ought to do wonders for the rumors that marijuana is bad for your memory…..

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Johnny Manziel‬ at least consoled himself when he was drafted by the ‪Cleveland Browns‬ that he would have the best WR in the game. Oops. .‪#‎JoshGordon‬

 

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The Cleveland Browns hope  #JohnnyFootball finally is their dream QB.   Or else a new generation of Cleveland fans will learn the term “mistake by the lake.”

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The D.A. assigned to the Justin Bieber egging case apparently wants to charge it as a felony. Sounds like a waste of taxpayer dollars, but one question, is a felony conviction enough to get him deported?

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After all the hoopla regarding the first round of the NFL Draft yesterday,  NFL fans had to wait for the second round until 8pm Friday night. They are dragging this thing out worse than the last minute of an NBA playoff game.

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The FAA said an American Airlines plane almost collided with a drone earlier this year. Standby for CNN to devote several hours to a possible new theory for MH370….

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The University of Oregon has announced three men’s basketball players involved in a sexual assault investigation have been dismissed from the program. Wonder how fast the now former Ducks can apply for the NBA draft?

 

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Green Bay. It had to be the Packers. Just guessing security for their away games may also include a sign censor.

 

-Shame that #Alabama and Ha Ha #ClintonDix never played #Stanford.The LSJUMB band would have had great fun before they ended up on probation.

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At this point all the #SFGiants need to make a run at another World Series title is one or two more Brandons.

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Mitt Romney today, “I part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage. I think we ought to raise it.” What, now that Mitt is not running for President he’s allowed to make occasional sense? Wonder how long it will take him to support Romney-Obamacare.

 

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Green Bay. It had to be the Packers. Just guessing security for their away games may also include a sign censor.

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A judge struck down the Arkansas gay marriage ban. Great news, now residents of the state don’t have to be limited by gender when they marry a relative.

 

Story is that after the NFL draft, Johnny Manziel was partying until 5am in New York with women, shots and champagne. Wouldn’t it have been a bigger story if Manziel WASN’T partying until 5am with women, shots and champagne?

 

 

Police charged a woman with felony criminal mischief. Because she didn’t like the people living next door and allegedly tricked a contractor into bulldozing their mobile home. Back on your game, Florida.

Marching forward.

March 8, 2014

Friday night, Harvard beat Yale to become the first team to reach the NCAA tournament.   Meaning it’s just about time for those words that gladden the hearts of sports fans across America:  “Gentlemen, (and ladies), start your brackets.”

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Due to a Labor dispute, MLS says they are starting the season Saturday with replacement referees. Although if the refs screw up, will any Americans notice?

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Nike just signed Johnny Manziel to a major contract. Making their new internal motto for him. “If you’re considering something stupid, Just Don’t Do It.”

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Beginning to look in Oscar Pistorius’s case like his only hope for being found innocent would have been getting the trial moved to Los Angeles.

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Rutgers has to fire their men’s basketball coach after a video surfaces of him abusing players, new AD Julie Hermann had issues at Tennessee, then their star alum Ray Rice gets arrested. So the university’s idea of a calming gesture is to appoint as their commencement speaker …. Condoleezza Rice?!

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The #Lakers lost to the #Clippers last night by 48. Bad enough to lose by 48? Even Jack Nicholson can’t handle this truth.

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Rumor has it that the NY Knicks have been talking to Phil Jackson about their coaching job. Maybe the Lakers are making NY look attractive by comparison?

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March 7-8 is theoretically the “National Day of Unplugging.” And of course, there are apps that are supposed to help you unplug. But since for many it’s mostly about acting cool and saying you have the ability to go offline, what about an app that has your device PRETEND it’s unplugged?

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For fans of train wrecks, it’s a real shame the Philadelphia 76ers aren’t playing the Los Angeles Lakers any more this season. Would be fun to see both teams try to disprove the NBA rule that “SOMEONE’s got to win.”

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The Los Angeles Times claims two anonymous members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences voted for “12 Years a Slave” as Best Picture, without actually seeing the movie. Of course, wonder how many people vote for Congress without ever seeing anything from the candidates.

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Albertson’s has purchased and will merge with Safeway. No doubt for consumers this means all the wonderful sort of benefits that accrue with airline mergers.

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Say it ain’t so. New Orleans look to be parting ways with Darrin Sproles. The only Saint where you can buy your kid a jersey, and have it be the same size the player wears.

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Brad Penny has been released by the KC Royals after reportedly punching a wall. Who does he think he is? Kevin Brown?

Finished at the finish line?

September 18, 2013

So what is going on in Texas? Are the Rangers just trying to spare their fans the pain of another postseason collapse?

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Meanwhile with NY having lost 4 of 5  and looking increasingly unlikely to make the postseason, wonder if ESPN will preempt playoff coverage for highlights of old Yankees-Red Sox games.

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Texas A & M reported they raised more than $740 million in donations in the past fiscal year. Gosh, that’s probably a few hundred Johnny Manziel autograph sessions.

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Tiger Woods wants to see a time limit placed on viewers being able to call-in of possible rules violations. Specifically, until five minutes before Tiger himself tees off.

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From T.C.   “The PGA may put a halt to fans phoning in rules violations. Tiger got dinged with penalties at The Masters & BMW Championship this year after viewers called citing rule breaches. Woods’ GF Lindsey Vonn, however, said fans are welcome to call her any time if they see Tiger committing any infractions, such as being in the company of pancake or cocktail waitresses.”

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Elton John says Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen.” Uh, some might say the wait is over.

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Beanie Baby creator Ty Warner will plead guilty to tax evasion and pay a $53.5 million penalty. Wonder if he’s negotiating to pay the fine in Beanie Babies.

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Due to winds and tides, the America’s Cup probable final race now will be Thursday. But when this is over, do hope New Zealand gives some honor to Larry Ellison. Who else could get most Americans to root for a foreign opponent against their own country?

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The House is trying to defund Obamacare again, this time threatening to shutdown the government. When asked how Boehner would manage such a potential shutdown, Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan said “Even the best coaches in the N.F.L. only script out the first two series of plays. They don’t script the whole game.” Uh, but the best coaches in the NFL don’t keep on starting with the same ineffectual play 40 times in a row.

 

Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “It will do no good to legislate (fill-in-the-blank) because criminals will break the law.” By that standard we should toss out all laws and regulations, since people will disobey traffic rules, cheat on taxes, steal, assault and murder each other, etc.,

 

Many people are saying that the U.S gun laws are not to blame for mass murders; rather it’s things like mental health and poverty. Okay, I guess I would take those folks more seriously if they were also for increasing mental health funding and the minimum wage.

Barfman ?

September 14, 2013

A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”

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ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.

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Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?

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The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.

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This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?

Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”

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Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.

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Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.

.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby.  If this story isn’t true it should be.  Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.

Mixed messages

August 29, 2013

So the U.S. wants to send Syria a message but not do anything too serious that might start a war. Maybe we should turn the disciplinary action against Assad over to the NCAA?

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The NCAA thinks they have sent a message with their 30 minute suspension for Johnny Manziel. And they have – only accept payment in cash.

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A New Jersey appeals court just said that if you text someone you know is driving, you could be held liable if that driver causes a crash. The real winners in this decision? Lawyers.

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Tim Tebow had two touchdowns and one interception tonight in a preseason game for the New England Patriots. For anyone scoring at home that’s one more touchdown and two less interceptions than Geno Smith did for the NY Jets…..

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Kim Jong-Un reportedly had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad for making a sex tape. It would be really inappropriate to make a Kardashian joke here….

(And let me guess, Miley Cyrus won’t be performing in North Korea anytime soon.  Let’s hope a tape of the VMA’s doesn’t result in a missile strike….)

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock price fell today after they reported good but disappointing second-quarter profits. Guess investors got a little overly excited about marijuana legalization laws.

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A new Rolling Stone article claims Bill Belichick threatened to cut Hernandez “after the 2013 season” if Aaron didn’t stop causing distractions. Well, that’s one thing off the Patriot coach’s “to-do” list.

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Sometimes it just isn’t your year. And sometimes it is. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hasn’t won in a month and is 11-9 with a 2.91 ERA. The Detroit Tigers Max Scherzer, with a 2.90 ERA, gave up 5 earned runs in 6 innings, but kept his 19-1 record when Detroit rallied for 4 in the bottom of the 9th.

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The Palazzo hotel in Las Vegas Strip is trying to evict “The Act” nightclub for shows it says are so raunchy that they violate obscenity laws. Well, this ought to assure standing room only crowds as long as the club lasts….

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Alabama QB AJ McCarron says he isn’t fixating on the Crimson Tide’s shot at a historic three-peat. That’s okay, the media is fixating enough on it for him.

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The NFL just reached a $765 million settlement with more than 4,500 former players with their concussion lawsuit. A lot of money, though after lawyer fees probably less than $100k a player. But the NFL had billion$ of rea$on$ to $ettle thi$ before the $ea$on started.

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Vanderbilt’s punter is studying to be an neurosurgeon. In the rest of the SEC, they’re thinking “big deal, we think our punters can probably spell neurosurgeon.”

From T.C.  “The NCAA has suspended QB Johnny Manziel for the 1st two quarters of Texas A & M’s season opener. This means he will be available for the entire first half to autograph your A&M souvenirs.”

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On ABC News George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie today said she has to ‘think about’ staying in her marriage. And if she doesn’t wonder how long Shellie will “think about” a book deal.

Going, going, not quite gone…

August 28, 2013

The NCAA has decided to suspend Johnny Manziel for the FIRST HALF of Texas A & M’s season opener Saturday against Rice. Wow. Against Rice Manziel’s got to be figuring he should have asked for more money and gotten suspended the whole game.

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There’s already criticism of today’s “semi-suspension” of Johnny Manziel. But in the NCAA’s defense, they say if Johnny misbehaves again they’re going to slap his other hand REALLY hard.

 

After today’s Manziel decision, the NCAA would like to disabuse anyone of the notion that they would let a star player get away with actual murder. Any player linked to such a serious crime would absolutely be disciplined, the day after his bowl game.

 

Florida LB Antonio Morrison, who was arrested twice this summer, just had his two game suspension reduced to one game by coach Will Muschamp. So he’ll miss the Gators’ opening game against Buffalo, but will be back Sept. 7 against Miami. And of course the fact that the Hurricanes have been ranked barely out of the preseason top 25 had nothing to do with this decision….
 
-Ah Florida, protecting us from the truly dangerous people? George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie pled guilty to perjury for lying about the donations they had received before his trial. She was placed on probation for a year, and as a condition “cannot possess, carry or own a firearm and must get permission to own any other type of weapon.”

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Don Mattingly benched Yasiel Puig in the fifth today for apparent disciplinary reasons. How long until L.A. Dodgers fans start muttering about “Puig being Puigy..”

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Montana judge G. Todd Baugh judge sentenced a 54-year-old ex-teacher to 30 days in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl in 2008. (The girl committed suicide in 2010.) Baugh said that the girl was “as much in control of the situation” as the teacher was, and “older than her chronological age.” What was this judge thinking, that he wants to run for Congress in Missouri?

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John Boehner has apparently sent Obama letter requesting that he make a case before acting on Syria. Wonder if the President thought of sending a reply to the Speaker, “How about you have the House make a case the next time they vote to repeal Obamacare?”

 

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While taping his TV show 700 Club yesterday, Pat Robertson said that some gay men with HIV or AIDS wear special rings designed to purposely infect others. “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there, they want to get people, so if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger” Beginning to think Robertson is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

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Across America, millions of American men have only one question: Is it too soon to hit on Catherine Zeta-Jones?

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Justin Timberlake is defending Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance: “It’s not like she did it at the Grammys”‘ And half a dozen young stars plus Madonna just got a new idea for next year’s Grammys…..

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft said yesterday he is “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the 53-man roster, but said it’s the coach’s decision. Wonder if Bill Belichick is just wishing Vladimir Putin would steal Tebow for a Russian team.


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