Posted tagged ‘Jets jokes’

Fair trade?

October 18, 2014

The Seahawks are going to trade WR Percy Harvin to the NY Jets. Seattle will apparently receive a conditional draft pick in 2015. Harvin will receive the month of January off.

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Apparently the James Spence Authentication company, has authenticated more than 2,000 signatures from FSU QB Jameis Winston. Hey, maybe the guy’s majoring in penmanship?

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25 years ago October 17 was the Loma Prieta Earthquake. At section 21 at Candlestick Park I must confess, my first thought was “Bleeping A’s fans doing the wave.”

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So now a Carnival Cruise ship has been forbidden to dock in Belize because a passenger on board helped care for the Ebola patient in Dallas. Well, and if vomiting is a symptom of the disease no chance of any of that on a “Fun Ship…”

 

Who says the ‪#‎NYJets‬ can’t be first in anything this year? The NY Post reports “According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the Jets are the first team in NFL history to lose a game with 40 minutes of time of possession (40:54), 200 rushing yards (218) and no turnovers.”

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A Texan tourist was accidentally locked in a London bookstore for three hours when he walked in late and didn’t notice that the Waterstones store was closing. And all over Texas people are going “see, books are dangerous!”

 

A Michigan funeral home has started a new “drive-through” viewing service, so people don’t have to get out of their cars to pay their last respects. And if they text while they are driving through do potential customers get future discounts?

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No baseball for next four days. :(. Might have to just keep rewatching win from last night.

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Retired FSU coach Bobby Bowden just said that Jameis Winston “does things that kids in grammar school would do.” And plenty of parents are thinking “Hey, our grammar school kids behave better than that.”

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All this fear mongering over a major health hazard facing about to hit the USA just might be overblown. And besides, the McDonald’s McRib will only be rolled out regionally.

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Despite an expected legal challenge from the NFL, Gov. Chris Christie signed a bill that allows sports betting at casinos and racetracks in New Jersey. Guess the league thinks if fans want to throw away money they should go to Jets and Giants games.

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Apparently almost 60 percent of the almost 1 million early votes cast in this year’s midterm elections are in Florida. Well, duh, and how many of them were cast early enough in the day for voters to make it to those early bird specials?

 

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Heard on a train to San Francisco with 20 somethings discussing reading. “On paper? You mean like a book form?”.

 

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “According to a CNN.com report, you can now rent a virtual girlfriend in China for about $3. ‘Now they tell me,’ said Manti T’eo.”

Orange fever.

October 5, 2014

Game time for Giants vs. Nationals is 2:07p. So SF fans won’t have to get that sudden debilitating mystery illness at work Monday until about noon.

 

So the AL representative in ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ will be either the  Kansas City ‪#‎Royals‬ or the Baltimore ‪#‎Orioles‬. And Fox executives just threw up.

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Still can’t get over all those empty seats in Nationals Park Saturday night in extra innings. It was if we were watching a Nationals game and an Expos game broke out.

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(And okay, so it was almost midnight and getting colder.  As a veteran of the 7 plus hour Giants-Dodgers twilight doubleheader in July 1988, however, I have cred on this issue.  Scott Garrelts lost BOTH games, the second about 130a.)

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On the other hand, right about now all those ‪#‎49ers‬ fans who complained about how cold it was at ‪#‎CandlestickPark‬ thinking “I take it back.” ‪#‎LevisStadium‬

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The sunny-side of the stadium was largely empty in the second half of today’s 49ers-Chiefs game. On a brighter note, maybe the 49ers can rent out the place on weekdays as the world’s largest tanning booth?

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Randy Moss now says of playing under Jim Harbaugh with the 49ers: “He treated us men like we were still college kids at Stanford.” Does Moss mean Harbaugh overestimated most of the team’s maturity level?

 

Saw today’s new poll of the best 25 college teams and it inexplicably left off the ‪#‎NYJets‬

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Although  main thought watching week 5 in the ‪#‎NFL‬. This league has a lot of mediocre football teams.

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So #11 Oregon, who beat #8 MSU by 18, is ranked below the Spartans in today’s coaches poll, and an undefeated #12 TCU is ranked below the #9 Oklahoma team they beat. Well, no one ever suggested anyone connected with college football is good with math.

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Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders, has passed away at the age of 76. Please can someone get a comment from Sarah Palin on his death?

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Lots of rumors that this is Jim Harbaugh’s last year with the 49ers. This morning Jed York tweeted “Jim is my coach. We are trying to win a SB, not a personality or popularity contest. Any more questions?” Well, at least York didn’t say he was behind Harbaugh 1000%.

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Who ever thought ‪#‎Jets‬ fans would be looking back longingly to the glory days of ‪#‎MarkSanchez‬ and ‪#‎TimTebow‬?

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More “Why there is no satire.” Todd Kincannon, former executive director of the South Carolina GOP tweeted yesterday. “People with Ebola in the US need to be humanely put down immediately.” And followed it with “The protocol for a positive Ebola test should be immediate humane execution and sanitization of the whole area. That will save lives.” And yes, he’s “pro-life.”

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Joint joke with my friend Alex  Kaseberg.  “What is with all the long, bushy beards on baseball players. Have not seen this many beards since Tom Cruise was auditioning potential future wives.”

 

Closing doors?

October 2, 2014

Not surprisingly Secret Service director Julia Pierson has resigned. What is surprising, based on her performance in front of Congress, is how Pierson ever got the job in the first place.

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The Washington Post is deriding Julia Pierson for allegedly saying last summer that the Secret Service needs “to be more like Disney World.” Except that no one could actually sneak in without a ticket at Disney World.

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Jets owner Woody Johnson said he still thinks that Geno Smith “can be a franchise quarterback, I really do.” Of course, the franchise Johnson is talking about might be in the Canadian or Arena Football Leagues.

 

Ben Affleck was willing to do a nude scene for “Gone Girl” but said he told the director “But I will not wear a Yankees hat. I just can’t…” The man has his priorities straight.

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A’s GM Billy Beane said that “if we don’t have Jon Lester, I don’t think we make the playoffs.” Well, sort of. If Oakland still had Cespedes they might not have needed to PLAY the one-game playoff.

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Weird playoff trivia. Before the 2nd Wild Card was added in 2012, only four teams in each league made the postseason. If two teams tied for the best runner-up record, they would play a single play-in game. Had that system been in effect this year, the two tied NL teams would have been – the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Pirates‬.

 

JPMorgan Chase said hackers broke into their system and got information from over 80 million customers – names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses, as well as “internal information relating to such users.” But the bank claims birthdates, account numbers and Social Security numbers were not compromised. And why should we doubt them? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Crooks are stupid, British award winner for the week:   In Manchester, a man was caught breaking into a car in front of people training to become bouncers. Despite signs advertising the security classes. (Seven of the trainees caught and handcuffed him.)

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Supposedly in the interests of safety, an Arkansas woman has declared the gun range she owns a “Muslim Free Zone.” Let’s see, the number of people who have been killed at gun ranges by Muslims this year is one less than the number killed by little girls.

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In Louisiana, two high school English teachers were arrested after a student bragged about having a threesome with them. Parents were appalled, some fathers mostly appalled that there weren’t teachers like that in THEIR high school.

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Texas congressman Louie Gohmert has been complaining that the 3,000 troops President Obama is sending to West Africa to fight Ebola will return infected and spread the disease at home. So presume Gohmert will now be one of the first to call for a quarantine of Texas.

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Still a longshot. But if both ‪#‎Dodgers‬ and ‪#‎SFGiants‬ advance expect to see the ‪#‎MadBum‬ ‪#‎Puig‬ confrontation on TV ads a few hundred times.

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Finally, all this frenzy over a possible epidemic in the U.S. And yes, there IS a contagious disease that will kill thousands of people this year including children. It’s called influenza. Forget Ebola for a while. Get your flu shot.

Moving on.

September 29, 2014

Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter.  Tragic, really.

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A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”

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Not to say the ‪#‎Patriots‬ are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using ‪#‎VHS‬ tape.

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On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday ‪#‎NationalCoffeeDay‬ is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.

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After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”

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Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.

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The ‪#‎Raiders‬ have fired ‪#‎DennisAllen‬. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?

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Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. ‪#‎Jets‬

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In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.

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Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?

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O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.

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A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time

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Bus to hell, NASCAR version:  Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?

The swing’s the thing?

August 25, 2014

Tiger Woods has parted ways with another swing coach. Wonder when Tiger will figure out – it’s not his swing coach.

 

Swing coach Sean Foley said his split with Tiger Woods was “amicable.” Well, duh, does anyone think Tiger is stupid enough to anger someone who knows how to wield a golf club?

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Congresswoman Jackie Speier has introduced a bill to eliminate the deadline for ERA ratification, as it fell 3 states short in 1982. Would be nice to have it finally adopted. Although these days it sometimes feels like a number of states wouldn’t ratify the 19th amendment.

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Burger King is thinking of buying Canadian doughnut maker Tim Horton’s, so they can do an inversion and declare themselves a Canadian company for tax purposes. So where are the cries of patriotism from flag-waving conservatives on this one?

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Airline logic at its finest again. United has equipped many of its flights with wi-fi, but no power outlets. And the wi-fi fee is per flight, not per hour…..

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A good thing that journalist Peter Theo Curtis was released. Who’d ever think we’d say “luckily his kidnappers were only Al-Qaida.”

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Two phrases #SFGiants fans would like to see retired in 2014. “Fill-in-the-blank pitcher just had his best outing of the year against the Giants” And “worst loss of the season.”

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The Napa quake damaged some wineries while many escaped unscathed. But wonder who will be the first to bottle “VERY blended wines.”

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The NFL gave Brandon Meriweather for the first two games of the season for another helmet-to-helmet hit. He can’t be at the team’s facility or have any contact with team personnel from Sept. 1-15. And presumably stay out of casino elevators?

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New York CB Dimitri Patterson has now been suspended by the Jets, who apparently weren’t happy with his explanation as to why he was AWOL for 48 hours. Another example of why education matters. Seems like Patterson could have used creative writing and/or drama courses.

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

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Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

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Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

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A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

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Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

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Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

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Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”


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