Posted tagged ‘Jets jokes’

When all else fails, RTDT – read the damn thing.

September 22, 2015

Mike Huckabee’s latest complaint – “there are people who vote and they have no idea what our Constitution says.”
With all due respect, Mr. Huckabee, there are people who run for office and they have no idea what our Constitution says.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Got to love it, ESPN figures the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ have 0.1% probability of making the post season this year. “So you are saying there’s a chance?”

The #NYJets are 2-0. If their hot start continues with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB do they vote former Jet IK Enemkpali a playoff share? (for those who might have forgotten, or who didn’t care, Enemkpali, now with the Bills, is the guy who broke his then quarterback/ teammate, Geno Smith’s jaw with a punch.)
An Auburn football fan called into an Alabama sports talk show and said she won’t let her husband into the bedroom until the Tigers win.. Men whose wives and girlfriends root for the Philadelphia Eagles hope those women don’t see this.

The NY Post is reporting on a woman who not only fasts on Yom Kippur, she also makes her two dogs fast too. It works out fine, except that every year they need to buy another cat.

Some say Marco Rubio might benefit from Scott Walker’s exiting the 2016 Presidential race. Is that because for those paying only casual attention the two look sort of alike?

Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli, who said he was raising the price for AIDS drug Daraprim from $13.50 a pill to $750, now says public backlash will mean he will lower the price. What, to $749?

The Lammily line of dolls now offers a ‘Period Party’ Accessory Pac,” which includes pads, underwear and a period calendar.. The idea is to help girls understand that menstruation is a normal part of of growing up.
Can only imagine what a similar line of dolls for boys might include.

The CEO of Japanese company Rakuten has changed his executive offsite retreat to climbing Mount Tanigawa every year, a Japanese mountain that has claimed over 800 lives since it was first explored in the 1930s, about 600 more than Everest.
Well, that’s one way to avoid soaring pension costs.

Carly Fiorina, facing many accusations of completely making up her worst allegations about the Planned Parenthood video, said she was told “that the tapes don’t exist, that the images aren’t real. Well yes, ladies and gentlemen, they are real and I will issue my charge again.”
You would think that someone who bases a large part of her campaign on the purported dishonesty of Hillary Clinton would consider doing the simple thing – and just release these “real” tapes.

Kim Davis says she is ready to return to jail over her beliefs. Forget jail, when is the next Rowan County election? So we can replace Davis with someone who actually wants to do her job. ‪#‎your15minutesareup‬

Liberal rant time. Some in the GOP are accusing those of us who don’t want the country run by biblical rules of being anti-religion. Nope, it’s actually quite simple: Doesn’t matter what religion you are, just don’t foist your beliefs on the entire country.

Not working

September 7, 2015

Labor Day brings another threatened government shutdown. So on a day we honor work, we get another reminder from Congress that they don’t.

A “TipsforJesus” group gave a Utah waitress a $3,000 tip on a $505 bill.  Thinking Jesus would approve a lot more of this sort of thing than protesting other people’s happiness in His name.

R.I.P. Judy Carne. One of the very best comics I grew up watching. It’s definitely “Sock-it-to-me” time tonight in heaven.

Best Laugh-in Judy Carne skit from my memory as a twisted youth. The show had a constant war with censors. One episode had someone offscreen throwing a ball (don’t remember exact details), let’s say a basketball at her.Then a little later, someone throwing a football at her, then a soccer ball, then a baseball,. And finally after the last time she says to the camera “That’s the fifth time I’ve been balled on this show this week.”
Censors missed it, show got fined. A lot of pre-teens were delighted. ‪#‎thosewerethedays‬

Just saw a trailer for “Suffragette” So now we know the the answer to the question. “For what film this year will Meryl Streep be nominated for an Oscar?

Dentist Walter Palmer has emerged from hiding, “If I had known (Cecil) had a name and was important to the country or a study, obviously I wouldn’t have taken it.” And he denied Cecil was dying for 40 hours and was shot to death, saying he tracked the lion “the next day” and killed him with an arrow. So that’s all right then? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎douchebag‬

The Cleveland Browns have suspended offense line coach Andy Moeller for his role in an “unspecified incident.” Who does Moeller think he is? A player?

A fire has been extinguished in the engine room aboard the Carnival Cruise Line Liberty while it was docked in St. Thomas. No injuries but passengers will not be allowed back on board until tonight. Stand by for the CNN miniseries.

QB Geno Smith says he won’t file charges against ex-Jets teammate IK Enemkpali for breakjoNing his jaw. Maybe because in a trial the world would find out what Smith did to provoke the punch?

About 40 people were reportedly injured when a Qatar flight hit turbulence about an hour outside of Manila. So sounds like it’s not just Americans who zone out on the flight attendant request to “when seated keep your seat belt fastened at all times.”

In Quebec, Canada, doctors can now give prescriptions to patients that are direct instructions on physical activity. In related news, Big Pharma has announced plans to patent exercise.

Laudable goals.

August 14, 2015

John Kerry, at a ceremony raising the U.S. flag in Havana. “We remain convinced the people of Cuba would be best served by a genuine democracy,” Great, and if it works out in Cuba, maybe we can aim for that in the USA?

Central New Jersey was hit by a 2.7 earthquake this morning. It would, of course, be uncharitable to suggest the quake was caused by Governor Chris Christie rushing to a campaign event.

Sources are apparently telling the media that Geno Smith was taunting his now ex-teammate before Enemkpali punched him. “I am shocked,” said no one who follows the Jets. ‪#‎samecircusdifferentmonkeys‬

Marcus Mariota had an interception and fumble in his first two drives in the NFL pre-season. Is he angling to get traded to the Jets?

Summer in New York, when many, including the media, have left the city for at least the weekend. So if Trump speaks and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?

A dad is in jail after taking his 16-year old daughter and her 17-year-old friend to a strip club, where apparently they drank, snorted coke and pole-danced. Do I even need to say this happened in Florida?

Florida State is implementing a mandatory course in social responsibilities for the school’s student-athletes. Next, will the school figure out how to make attendance any more mandatory than for other student-athlete courses?

Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell announced today will take a medical leave because he has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but that it is “very treatable and curable.” Unlike the play of his team.

(seriously, all best wishes to Farrell. Fortunately they do appear to have caught the cancer at stage 1.)

Hillary Clinton has a plan to make college more affordable. Not surprisingly the GOP is against it. Why, the plan might result in more people being able to read.

At Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio, a man was killed by a roller coaster after he lost his cellphone on the ride and jumped a fence into a restricted area to retrieve it. New warning signs coming “Don’t text and ride.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butyoucanburystupid‬

(and the thing that solidifies this guy’s Darwin award, he was a teacher.)

A gun store and shooting range in a small Oklahoma town has started advertising themselves as “Muslim-free.” Well, makes some sense because we all remember the worst terrorist in Oklahoma history was a Muslim…. Oh wait, never mind.

#‎Apple‬ is reportedly working on a self-driving car. As long as it doesn’t use Apple maps.

Donald Trump will report for jury duty next week. But the Donald will probably be dismissed when he claims he is the sole caretaker for that fuzzy thing who lives on his head.

High crimes and misdemeanors?

August 11, 2015

Scientists have found possible marijuana residue in William Shakespeare’s pipes. So maybe what the playwright meant to write was “Doobie or not doobie?”

You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Geno Smith will be out 10 weeks with a broken jaw after he was punched by a NY Jets teammate?! ‪#‎thecircushascometotown‬

Ah nostalgia. Remember the days when NY Jets fans were worried that Tim Tebow was going to be their biggest quarterback distraction?

Happiest people over the Jets’ releasing Ikemefuna Enemkpali for breaking Geno Smith’s jaw? New York copy editors who no longer have to spell Ikemefuna Enemkpali

Could have been worse ‪#‎49ers‬ fans, at least ‪#‎AldonSmith‬ didn’t punch ‪#‎ColinKaepernick‬ on his way out.

Bus to hell time. SF Chronicle headline “Homicide eyed in mysterious San Francisco dismembered body case.” Well, sure doesn’t seem likely it was suicide.

Eagles fans have started a petition for the Pope to bless Sam Bradford’s knees when he visits Philadelphia this September. Because asking for a miracle cure for the Phillies is above even a Papal pay grade?

The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.

Give Donald Trump credit for one huge achievement. He made a blonde woman from Fox one of the most respected news people in the country.

A young Trump supporter in Texas referred to the Donald as “the Kanye West of politics.” More like “the Kimye of politics”.  With Trump you get both Kanye’s ego along with a big ass.

A mother was arrested for allegedly leaving her kids in car while she drank in a bar. Now police say she had her son, 4, blow into the breathalyzer to start the car. Thinking enough to be that creative but not thinking enough to call a babysitter and a cab? Even by Florida standards this is impressive. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.

11pm on a weeknight. Time to switch to Comedy Cellar for my Jon Stewart fix…… ‪#‎sayitaintso‬

Missed it by how much?

April 8, 2015

The NCAA’s supervisor of officials said none of them saw the CBS video feed on the controversial out-of-bounds call at the end of the national championship game. But today Dan Gavitt, the NCAA’s VP told ESPN that officials DID see it. Ah, well this ought to reassure all the Duke conspiracy theorists….


The Boston Celtics are making a late push for the #8 seed in the Eastern Conference. Isn’t that the NBA equivalent of making it to the March Madness play-in game?

The mayor of Hillsboro, Mo, population 2,800, died March 9, but was re-elected yesterday. Well, maybe the voters figured, it’s been a month, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.



New York Knicks owner James Dolan just said in an interview “You got to believe, baby! I believe, I believe!” And even Cubs fans are saying “Are you bleeping nuts?”

Someone is selling a New Orleans Saints Super Bowl ring on Craigslist. Maybe one of the Jets should buy it, might be their best chance at getting a ring.

Mitt Romney who had Duke over Wisconsin in the NCAA championship, tweeted “Should have put $10,000 on my bracket. Congrats, Coach K and @DukeU,” Prompting an immediate call for Romney to reconsider entering the 2016 race, from Pete Rose.

I understand the American way of justice, and it’s mostly a good thing. Still seems somehow odd to spend millions of dollars saving a critically injured man’s life, and then millions of dollars to try him, and then probably now millions of dollars over appeals to a death penalty conviction. ‪#‎BostonMarathonExplosion‬

A new book about the White House says that during a fight after the Monica Lewinsky affair came to light, Hillary Clinton called Bill a “g*ddamn b*stard” and that she had him sleep on a couch for a few months. Some say the revelations could hurt Hillary’s candidacy. Thinking it might make a lot of women like her better.


Aqib Talib, a CB for the Denver Broncos, who had charges dropped after an alleged gun incident in 2011, is apparently being investigated again for allegedly firing a gun into the air during a fight at a Dallas nightclub. So clearly the Aaron Hernandez trial is serving as a cautionary lesson to other NFL players. ‪#‎facepalm‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Pitcher Chris Heston missed his Opening Day start for the Sacramento River Cats. Bummer.  ‪#‎SFGiants‬

(and the way his start went, he may never have that start.)

The media is reporting that last year Barry Manilow married his manager and apparently  long time partner. Garry Kief.  I am shocked, said absolutely positively nobody.


A scary thought about that South Carolina case. If the person with the cellphone video saw what really happened, what about that officer’s partner?

As Rand Paul is getting unfavorable coverage for lecturing journalists, especially female journalists, on how to do their jobs, #”‪#‎Randsplaining‬ is trending on Twitter. Well, it’s a good thing for Paul that if he stays in the Presidential race he won’t have to be dealing with this sort of thing in future. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantfixarrogant‬ either.

Send in the clowns.

March 12, 2015

The Houston Texans just traded QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to the NY Jets. Not sure how Fitzpatrick feels about the deal. But isn’t it many little boys’ dream to grow up and join the circus?

The construction of a large telescope on Mauna Kea in Hawaii has been temporaily been delayed by a blizzard warning, which is forecast to drop 5-8 inches of snow on the mountain. 5-8 inches?! In Boston they are just weeping.

The Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, which started Monday, had to move 600 miles north due to a lack of snow. Hmm, maybe they should have just moved it to Boston.

The Korean Air flight attendant who was attacked over how she served macadamia nuts has now retained two American law firms to sue the airline, claiming her career was ruined. Sounds like nut rage is contagious.

The KC Royals minor league affiliate Wilmington (Delaware) BlueRocks now have a Krispy Kreme Donut Dog available for sale at their games. Featuring a hot dog, bacon and raspberry jelly sandwiched in a donut. Wilmington is only an hour drive from Trenton. Is this a shameless attempt by the BlueRocks to get N.J. Gov Chris Christie to attend a game?

The crew on “Morning Joe” said today that rappers and rap music could be to blame for Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s racist chant, because that’s where the frat brothers probably learned the n-word. So how long until this is Obama’s fault?


There are allegations that two senior Secret Service agents were out partying last week in Washington D.C. last week, and crashed their government car into the White House security barricades. Well, at least they didn’t have the car full of prostitutes.


So if this letter to Iran continues to be a PR nightmare will the 47 GOP senators involved blame Democrats for requiring them to learn how to write and sign their names in school?

From Alex Kaseberg ““2015 has started off as a wild year. Two llamas escape, nobody can agree on the colors of a dress, and Harrison Ford has hit more fairways than Tiger Woods.”

It’s snow joke.

January 27, 2015

Once again, NJ & NY see proof why most meteorologists are men: They always overestimate inches. ‪#‎Snowmageddon2015‬


Well, at least this over-hyped storm had one silver lining for New Yorkers: It cancelled the Knicks game.

And actually Juno did hit New England hard.  But So the “Blizzard of the 2015” didn’t turn out to be quite as big a deal in New York and New Jersey as forecasters expected.  Will they rename it “Geno?”

(or “Johnny Storm?”)

As the measles outbreak spreads, have to wonder, if there was a vaccine for Ebola, how many Americans would refuse to use it?


Wonder how many NFL people are longing for the days when the only balls in the bathroom controversy had to do with openly gay players.

If you go by $$ per minute, Marshawn Lynch’s 4 minutes and 51 seconds on Super Bowl media day might have been one of the best paid interviews of all time. “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”  Because he probably saved fines of at least $250,000.

Former NY Giants defensive coordinator Perry Fewell, interviewed to be the 49ers defensive backs coach. But he turned SF down and took the same position with Washington. How toxic an owner do you have to be to make Dan Snyder look good?

Bus to hell time.  A Nashville jury has convicted two ex-Vanderbilt football players of raping a former student inside a dorm room. Wonder if both men now wish they’d gone to Florida State?

Sometimes all technology does is give people more power to embrace their idiocy. A 22 yr-old Texas man is in jail after he posted on FB, “So I have 16 warrants right now. Lol they know where I’m at tho, so it must not be TOO bad.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

New England CB Brandon Browner told ESPN “I’m going to tell my teammates to go hit (Sherman’s) elbow, go hit (Thomas’s) shoulder. Try to break it if you can.” But the NFL is okay with the comments, because Browner didn’t put it in terms of a bounty?

from T.C. “When Elin heard that Tom Brady was possibly cheating, she immediately sent Gisele that famous 9 iron.”

James Caan has filed for divorce from his wife for the third time in ten years. “Dude, make up your mind”, said Brett Favre.

Michelle Obama did not wear a headscarf Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where local women must cover their heads. Over at FOX News heads must have exploded as they were all no doubt ready to complain that she didn’t show respect for Muslim customs….


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