Posted tagged ‘Jets jokes’

The swing’s the thing?

August 25, 2014

Tiger Woods has parted ways with another swing coach. Wonder when Tiger will figure out – it’s not his swing coach.

 

Swing coach Sean Foley said his split with Tiger Woods was “amicable.” Well, duh, does anyone think Tiger is stupid enough to anger someone who knows how to wield a golf club?

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Congresswoman Jackie Speier has introduced a bill to eliminate the deadline for ERA ratification, as it fell 3 states short in 1982. Would be nice to have it finally adopted. Although these days it sometimes feels like a number of states wouldn’t ratify the 19th amendment.

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Burger King is thinking of buying Canadian doughnut maker Tim Horton’s, so they can do an inversion and declare themselves a Canadian company for tax purposes. So where are the cries of patriotism from flag-waving conservatives on this one?

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Airline logic at its finest again. United has equipped many of its flights with wi-fi, but no power outlets. And the wi-fi fee is per flight, not per hour…..

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A good thing that journalist Peter Theo Curtis was released. Who’d ever think we’d say “luckily his kidnappers were only Al-Qaida.”

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Two phrases #SFGiants fans would like to see retired in 2014. “Fill-in-the-blank pitcher just had his best outing of the year against the Giants” And “worst loss of the season.”

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The Napa quake damaged some wineries while many escaped unscathed. But wonder who will be the first to bottle “VERY blended wines.”

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The NFL gave Brandon Meriweather for the first two games of the season for another helmet-to-helmet hit. He can’t be at the team’s facility or have any contact with team personnel from Sept. 1-15. And presumably stay out of casino elevators?

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New York CB Dimitri Patterson has now been suspended by the Jets, who apparently weren’t happy with his explanation as to why he was AWOL for 48 hours. Another example of why education matters. Seems like Patterson could have used creative writing and/or drama courses.

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

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Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

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Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

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A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

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Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

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Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

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Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

The Winter of our Discontent?

December 23, 2013

Pope Francis apparently warned Vatican administrators that they need to focus on service instead of bureaucratic squabbling. Can the Pope come over here and give that message to Congress?

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If football was like hockey, a three-period game, the #DetroitLions would be printing playoff tickets.

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Who’d a thunk this one. The NFC North is actually making the NFC East look decent.

So did that many people who were offended by Phll Robertson’s comments ever watch #DuckDynasty in the first place?

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ESPN reports that their is “concern internally” that entire Dallas Cowboys coaching staff may be fired after the season. After yet another year dealing with Jerry Jones, is it concern or hope?

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Both the #NYJets and #NYGiants win on the same day. Hoping we don’t see any more signs of a coming apocalypse.

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Rex Ryan reportedly told his team Saturday night that he was getting fired. Sunday the Jets beat the Browns 24-13. Not sure if the players were trying to bolster their coach or if they were celebrating.

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Can understand how some Native Americans feel insulted by a team with a “Redskins” nickname, but the way this season is going have to assume a lot of ranchers are equally insulted by “Cowboys.”

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The New Orleans Saints on Sunday once again proved that the number one oxymoron in football is the “prevent defense.”

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Republicans are now trying to argue against Obamacare by saying it will saddle young people with the medical expenses of older, sicker Americans. Uh, as if they aren’t already paying with Medicare?

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Justine Sacco, the former IAC PR executive who was fired over an insensitive and stupid tweet about AIDS wrote a long careful apology and sent it to a South African paper. Shame she didn’t think about the original Twitter message one-tenth as long as she did about the apology.

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Texas A&M suspended freshman linebacker Darian Claiborne following his arrest on two drug possession charges. And Aggie fans are thinking “at least Johnny Manziel wasn’t with him.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “What is that saying??? Does a bear shit in the woods, or does a Bear play like shit in Philadelphia?”

End of an era.

December 5, 2013

Well played, Moonbeam. California Gov. Jerry Brown instructed the state Capitol’s flags be flown at half-staff today in honor of Nelson Mandela.

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Nelson Mandela has passed away. Sad as it’s the end of an era, but hope the poor man is finally at peace after what sounded like a nightmare year or so of medical intervention.-

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Seahawks DL Michael Bennett couldn’t get a reservation at a top Seattle restaurant, until he pretended to be Russell Wilson. Of course he’s not the first, Geno Smith has been impersonating an NFL QB for most of the season.

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ESPN cancelled a a scheduled appearance by Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy to host “SportsCenter” tonight. Since they were worried about “potential implications of any news from the State Attorney’s press conference in Florida” regarding Jameis Winston. Shame. Might have been some really awesome ratings.
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Derrick Rose says he thinks he might be back for the playoffs. Is he planning on the Bulls trading him to another team first?

 

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So now the football field at Cal’s Memorial Stadium will be known as “Kabam Field” Kabam is a fantasy gaming company. Does this even need a punchline?
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Stanford fans thought a more appropriate choice might have been “Oscar Mayer Weenie Field” -

 

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A CNN.com article indicates that smoking pot may give men “man boobs.” Of course, it could be the amount of Doritos and doughnuts consumed after smoking pot that result in the man boobs.

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Color authority Pantone just announced its 2014 Color of the Year “Radiant Orchid – what they call a “captivating, magical, enigmatic purple.” The subgroup of Americans who care about that statement no doubt includes millions of women and about two straight men.

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Brian Wilson has apparently re-signed with Los Angeles. Of course, as Giants fans know, if the Dodgers really want to get their money’s worth out of Wilson, they’ll extend beer sales through the innings of his appearances.

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Speaker John Boehner says some male House members need to be “a little more sensitive” when they campaign against female candidates. I guess it never occurred to him that they need to make any changes in dealing with women who aren’t candidates?

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Now that Bashir is gone from MSNBC for being tasteless about Sarah Palin, can we get rid of the equally tasteless idiot who said this on air? “The pope is ripping America, the pope ripping capitalism, the pope ripping trickle-down economics. And Obama’s having an orgasm.”
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From Bill Littlejohn  “President Obama says he wants to host.”  ‘SportsCenter’ when he retires.This just in–the ESPN website just crashed”
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From T.C.  An Alabama woman shot and killed another fan after the team lost to archrival Auburn for “not being a big enough fan”. She should have shot at the guy that ran the missed field goal back for a TD on the final play of the game.

Any given Sunday

October 13, 2013

saints saintssaintsIn New Orleans. Where they do love their football team….

saints

Although, up four points, 10 seconds left,  no timeouts for the Patriots….  Why not line up six men on the goal line, five at the five, and dare Brady and company to break through?  Just sayin’

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At this point finding replacement name for the Washington Redskins will have to be some inanimate object. Because the team is playing in a way that would be an insult to any real or mythical creature.

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The baseball Gods do not apparently approve of pulling a dominant starting pitcher who has thrown only 108 pitches #Redsox #Tigers

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Things fell apart for the Tigers so fast Sunday night, Giants fans had to wonder, did Leyland give Scherzer the game ball?

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Though if the Red Sox been shut out again would Bud Selig have declared a moratorium on post-season PED testing?

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Marc Ragovin “I guess you can say that the Red Sox won game two of the ALCS by the hair of their chinny chin chins.”

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The #Jets look to be joining the #Yankees, #Mets and #Giants in a campaign to give NY sports fans a choice: Hockey or basketball?

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GM Brian Cashman denied reports he would prefer to have A-Rod suspended than have the Yankees pay him $24 million last year. And he said it with a straight face.

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A Teapartier today at the so-called “Million Vet March” demanded that President Obama “leave town, put the Quran down, get up off his knees, and figuratively come out with his hands up.” Charming. Wonder why the same guy isn’t demanding that Ted Cruz go back to Canada.

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Rand Paul said that President Obama should not be using scare tactics about raising the federal debt ceiling. Right, add “the U.S. paying bills on time” to the list of commie pinko liberal concepts.

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I think I’m beginning to understand the narrative: When President Obama compromises with the GOP, he’s a spineless wimp.  When he stands his ground, he’s an arrogant wanna-be dictator.

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Only unhappy football fans in Denver Sunday night. Anyone who bet the 28 point spread. #Jagssuckbutnotthatmuch

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SF Giants fans are happy the team didn’t make the rumored trade of Javier Lopez to Detroit. Tigers fans tonight, not so much.

Silver-tongued lining?

August 9, 2013

At least all the A-Rod stories are knocking Anthony Weiner off the front page….

A-Rod has apparently hired the same private-detectives Dominique Strauss-Kahn used when he was accused of rape in 2011. Wonder what the firm’s name is “Sleazebags-R-Us?

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-Meanwhile, while we debate A-Rod and his pals, have to wonder, so how many other PED users are playing tonight? But who were smart enough not to use a sloppy outfit like Biogenesis?

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A pick-six on the fourth play of the first game of the preseason…. Good to know that the the NY Jets’ Mark Sanchez is already in midseason form.

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“Back to school” shopping in July fell short of retailers expectations. But to be fair, have to wonder how many shoppers were waiting for the Christmas sales starting after Labor Day.

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-A California man has turned a $2,000 Brooklyn dumpster into a apartment – complete with a bathroom, bed, kitchen and sun deck. And he still probably doesn’t have the smallest apartment in New York.

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Evan Longoria, unhappy that A-Rod can play and affect the pennant race: “I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t have an arbitrator hear the case sooner.  If you get in a bench clearing brawl and a guy punches another guy and is ejected from the game and gets a 10-game suspension, you appeal that and it’s heard in the next 3 weeks. You either get 10 games or 6 games or whatever. I don’t understand why that process can’t happen for this.”

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Jack Clark is now alleging that Albert Pujols has done steroids, and hinted the same for Justin Verlander. Who does Clark think he is, Jose Canseco?

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From T.C.   The Bills’ offensive coordinator says they are going to keep giving running back C.J. Spiller the ball until he throws up.   Are they aiming to be the “Barfallo Bills?”

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Remember all those supposedly useless “X gets Y mph, X is going Z miles. How much gas does X need?” math problems? A Virgin America flight had to stop to refuel in San Jose on its way to San Francisco tonight. The flight distance between the two airports is about 30 miles. (Shouldn’t passengers at least get a refund on their fuel surcharge?)

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Four Vanderbilt football players, who were dismissed from the team over an alleged sexual assault this June, have each been charged with five counts of aggravated rape and two counts of aggravated sexual battery. Wonder what the young mens’ defense will be? That they were trying to prove Vanderbilt belongs in the SEC?

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Lance Armstrong’s attorneys are arguing in a class-action lawsuit that Armstrong had the right to lie about his career in his autobiographies. If the defense works, A-Rod wants names – of the lawyers and Lance’s ghostwriter.

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Switzerland has apologized to Oprah after a saleswoman at a fancy Zurich boutique refused to show her a $38,000black handbag, saying she “will not be able to afford” it. I hate racism as much as anyone, but some of those salespeople are equally snotty to non-rich looking white people. Cue the Julia Roberts “big mistake” scene in “Pretty Woman…”


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