Posted tagged ‘Jets jokes’

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

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Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

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Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

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A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

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Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

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Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

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Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

The Winter of our Discontent?

December 23, 2013

Pope Francis apparently warned Vatican administrators that they need to focus on service instead of bureaucratic squabbling. Can the Pope come over here and give that message to Congress?

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If football was like hockey, a three-period game, the #DetroitLions would be printing playoff tickets.

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Who’d a thunk this one. The NFC North is actually making the NFC East look decent.

So did that many people who were offended by Phll Robertson’s comments ever watch #DuckDynasty in the first place?

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ESPN reports that their is “concern internally” that entire Dallas Cowboys coaching staff may be fired after the season. After yet another year dealing with Jerry Jones, is it concern or hope?

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Both the #NYJets and #NYGiants win on the same day. Hoping we don’t see any more signs of a coming apocalypse.

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Rex Ryan reportedly told his team Saturday night that he was getting fired. Sunday the Jets beat the Browns 24-13. Not sure if the players were trying to bolster their coach or if they were celebrating.

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Can understand how some Native Americans feel insulted by a team with a “Redskins” nickname, but the way this season is going have to assume a lot of ranchers are equally insulted by “Cowboys.”

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The New Orleans Saints on Sunday once again proved that the number one oxymoron in football is the “prevent defense.”

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Republicans are now trying to argue against Obamacare by saying it will saddle young people with the medical expenses of older, sicker Americans. Uh, as if they aren’t already paying with Medicare?

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Justine Sacco, the former IAC PR executive who was fired over an insensitive and stupid tweet about AIDS wrote a long careful apology and sent it to a South African paper. Shame she didn’t think about the original Twitter message one-tenth as long as she did about the apology.

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Texas A&M suspended freshman linebacker Darian Claiborne following his arrest on two drug possession charges. And Aggie fans are thinking “at least Johnny Manziel wasn’t with him.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “What is that saying??? Does a bear shit in the woods, or does a Bear play like shit in Philadelphia?”

End of an era.

December 5, 2013

Well played, Moonbeam. California Gov. Jerry Brown instructed the state Capitol’s flags be flown at half-staff today in honor of Nelson Mandela.

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Nelson Mandela has passed away. Sad as it’s the end of an era, but hope the poor man is finally at peace after what sounded like a nightmare year or so of medical intervention.-

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Seahawks DL Michael Bennett couldn’t get a reservation at a top Seattle restaurant, until he pretended to be Russell Wilson. Of course he’s not the first, Geno Smith has been impersonating an NFL QB for most of the season.

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ESPN cancelled a a scheduled appearance by Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy to host “SportsCenter” tonight. Since they were worried about “potential implications of any news from the State Attorney’s press conference in Florida” regarding Jameis Winston. Shame. Might have been some really awesome ratings.
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Derrick Rose says he thinks he might be back for the playoffs. Is he planning on the Bulls trading him to another team first?

 

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So now the football field at Cal’s Memorial Stadium will be known as “Kabam Field” Kabam is a fantasy gaming company. Does this even need a punchline?
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Stanford fans thought a more appropriate choice might have been “Oscar Mayer Weenie Field” -

 

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A CNN.com article indicates that smoking pot may give men “man boobs.” Of course, it could be the amount of Doritos and doughnuts consumed after smoking pot that result in the man boobs.

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Color authority Pantone just announced its 2014 Color of the Year “Radiant Orchid – what they call a “captivating, magical, enigmatic purple.” The subgroup of Americans who care about that statement no doubt includes millions of women and about two straight men.

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Brian Wilson has apparently re-signed with Los Angeles. Of course, as Giants fans know, if the Dodgers really want to get their money’s worth out of Wilson, they’ll extend beer sales through the innings of his appearances.

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Speaker John Boehner says some male House members need to be “a little more sensitive” when they campaign against female candidates. I guess it never occurred to him that they need to make any changes in dealing with women who aren’t candidates?

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Now that Bashir is gone from MSNBC for being tasteless about Sarah Palin, can we get rid of the equally tasteless idiot who said this on air? “The pope is ripping America, the pope ripping capitalism, the pope ripping trickle-down economics. And Obama’s having an orgasm.”
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From Bill Littlejohn  “President Obama says he wants to host.”  ‘SportsCenter’ when he retires.This just in–the ESPN website just crashed”
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From T.C.  An Alabama woman shot and killed another fan after the team lost to archrival Auburn for “not being a big enough fan”. She should have shot at the guy that ran the missed field goal back for a TD on the final play of the game.

Any given Sunday

October 13, 2013

saints saintssaintsIn New Orleans. Where they do love their football team….

saints

Although, up four points, 10 seconds left,  no timeouts for the Patriots….  Why not line up six men on the goal line, five at the five, and dare Brady and company to break through?  Just sayin’

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At this point finding replacement name for the Washington Redskins will have to be some inanimate object. Because the team is playing in a way that would be an insult to any real or mythical creature.

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The baseball Gods do not apparently approve of pulling a dominant starting pitcher who has thrown only 108 pitches #Redsox #Tigers

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Things fell apart for the Tigers so fast Sunday night, Giants fans had to wonder, did Leyland give Scherzer the game ball?

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Though if the Red Sox been shut out again would Bud Selig have declared a moratorium on post-season PED testing?

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Marc Ragovin “I guess you can say that the Red Sox won game two of the ALCS by the hair of their chinny chin chins.”

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The #Jets look to be joining the #Yankees, #Mets and #Giants in a campaign to give NY sports fans a choice: Hockey or basketball?

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GM Brian Cashman denied reports he would prefer to have A-Rod suspended than have the Yankees pay him $24 million last year. And he said it with a straight face.

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A Teapartier today at the so-called “Million Vet March” demanded that President Obama “leave town, put the Quran down, get up off his knees, and figuratively come out with his hands up.” Charming. Wonder why the same guy isn’t demanding that Ted Cruz go back to Canada.

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Rand Paul said that President Obama should not be using scare tactics about raising the federal debt ceiling. Right, add “the U.S. paying bills on time” to the list of commie pinko liberal concepts.

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I think I’m beginning to understand the narrative: When President Obama compromises with the GOP, he’s a spineless wimp.  When he stands his ground, he’s an arrogant wanna-be dictator.

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Only unhappy football fans in Denver Sunday night. Anyone who bet the 28 point spread. #Jagssuckbutnotthatmuch

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SF Giants fans are happy the team didn’t make the rumored trade of Javier Lopez to Detroit. Tigers fans tonight, not so much.

Silver-tongued lining?

August 9, 2013

At least all the A-Rod stories are knocking Anthony Weiner off the front page….

A-Rod has apparently hired the same private-detectives Dominique Strauss-Kahn used when he was accused of rape in 2011. Wonder what the firm’s name is “Sleazebags-R-Us?

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-Meanwhile, while we debate A-Rod and his pals, have to wonder, so how many other PED users are playing tonight? But who were smart enough not to use a sloppy outfit like Biogenesis?

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A pick-six on the fourth play of the first game of the preseason…. Good to know that the the NY Jets’ Mark Sanchez is already in midseason form.

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“Back to school” shopping in July fell short of retailers expectations. But to be fair, have to wonder how many shoppers were waiting for the Christmas sales starting after Labor Day.

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-A California man has turned a $2,000 Brooklyn dumpster into a apartment – complete with a bathroom, bed, kitchen and sun deck. And he still probably doesn’t have the smallest apartment in New York.

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Evan Longoria, unhappy that A-Rod can play and affect the pennant race: “I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t have an arbitrator hear the case sooner.  If you get in a bench clearing brawl and a guy punches another guy and is ejected from the game and gets a 10-game suspension, you appeal that and it’s heard in the next 3 weeks. You either get 10 games or 6 games or whatever. I don’t understand why that process can’t happen for this.”

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Jack Clark is now alleging that Albert Pujols has done steroids, and hinted the same for Justin Verlander. Who does Clark think he is, Jose Canseco?

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From T.C.   The Bills’ offensive coordinator says they are going to keep giving running back C.J. Spiller the ball until he throws up.   Are they aiming to be the “Barfallo Bills?”

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Remember all those supposedly useless “X gets Y mph, X is going Z miles. How much gas does X need?” math problems? A Virgin America flight had to stop to refuel in San Jose on its way to San Francisco tonight. The flight distance between the two airports is about 30 miles. (Shouldn’t passengers at least get a refund on their fuel surcharge?)

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Four Vanderbilt football players, who were dismissed from the team over an alleged sexual assault this June, have each been charged with five counts of aggravated rape and two counts of aggravated sexual battery. Wonder what the young mens’ defense will be? That they were trying to prove Vanderbilt belongs in the SEC?

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Lance Armstrong’s attorneys are arguing in a class-action lawsuit that Armstrong had the right to lie about his career in his autobiographies. If the defense works, A-Rod wants names – of the lawyers and Lance’s ghostwriter.

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Switzerland has apologized to Oprah after a saleswoman at a fancy Zurich boutique refused to show her a $38,000black handbag, saying she “will not be able to afford” it. I hate racism as much as anyone, but some of those salespeople are equally snotty to non-rich looking white people. Cue the Julia Roberts “big mistake” scene in “Pretty Woman…”

If you’re unhappy and you know it….

January 26, 2013

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie supported QB Mark Sanchez by saying “When you don’t have a supporting cast, you’re going to get an average or below-average quarterback.” Well, actually the Jets had a great supporting cast, aka “Les Miserables.”

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Lance Armstrong’s lawyer told the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that the cyclist will help ”clean up cycling.”    Makes as much sense as Bill Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage Act.”

 

Titus Young, who has been sent home from the Detroit Lions 3 times in 2 years for insubordination, is now saying things on Twitter like “Oh I’m not done, if y’all going to cut me let me go” and threatening to retire if he doesn’t get the football. Even T.O. is thinking “Just STFU.”

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Dwight Howard on the Los Angeles Lakers: “Negativity just got to stop. I’m sick of hearing about it. We got to bring some positivity to the situation.” (And no doubt thinking “Especially because it’s harming my value on the free agent market when I’m out of here next season”)

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UCLA’s compliance department is investigating basketball star Shabazz Muhammad’s Gucci backpack, which the freshman wore it yesterday on television after the Arizona game. Uh, this one’s easy for Muhammad, just say he got the backpack on Canal Street on a trip to New York.

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This may only make sense to frequent fliers, but United Airlines has decided that 30 minutes is enough time at JFK airport to connect from their flight to a Swiss flight. Terminal 7 to Terminal 4. Really?! You’d have a better chance of seeing Tim Tebow lead the Jets to a Super Bowl.

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Sarah Palin, who has been a contributor to Fox News since 2010, is leaving the network, saying that it is her decision. Didn’t know Palin had signed a 6 year contract.

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Carl Pavano will be out for six to eight weeks after rupturing spleen shoveling show at home in Vermont. Hearing this the SF Giants breathed a sigh of relief that Jeremy Affeldt lives in Arizona.

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The California Highway Patrol says a naked woman has been arrested after allegedly driving her car into her fiance. How long until we can expect a made-for-tv movie starring Lindsay Lohan?

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Mark Zuckerberg is having a fundraiser at his home for Chris Christie. But given the New Jersey governor’s penchant for controversial statements, how long until Mark changes this relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch “footlong” sandwiches. If these clowns don’t want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they’d better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches.

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Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal yesterday ” We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.” Looks like he’s racing Chris Christie to see who can get thrown out of the GOP first.

 

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman thinks there’s “a chance” Alex Rodriguez could miss the whole season. Which means the third baseman could come as close to leading New York to another World Championship as he did in 2012.

Banana Republic.

December 30, 2012

A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy.

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Arizona State put up 62 points on Navy before the end of the third quarter today in the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl. Clearly the military is not as strong as it should be. I blame Obama.

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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton’s new five-year contract is reportedly for $8 million annually. Wow. That’s almost as much as a mediocre relief pitcher.

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Open note to Facebook friends. I thought a “like” or a comment was enough to say I am reading your posts, Not adding a one-word comment and reposting the status asking all my friends to do the same thing. I like my friends but I hate chain letters. :-)

 

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The report is that the Cleveland Browns will fire coach Pat Shurmur on Monday. Bummer for all those who had Rex Ryan or Norv Turner in the pool.

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New York City, including Manhattan, is expecting to 2 to 4 inches of snow in a current storm. Of course, since this is New York, residents and the media feel this total counts for 2 to 4 feet in lesser towns.

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The Senate is working this weekend trying to come up with a last minute solution to avoid the fiscal cliff. Should we be happy they are at least making a serious effort, or furious that it took them so long?

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Stanford women’s basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys.

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Terrelle Pryor will start for the Oakland Raiders Sunday. So looking like an unhappy Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez could both be traded. If they end up on the same team what a dilemma for a coach – which one do you bench first?

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Katie Holmes’ first starring role on Broadway will come to an end two months earlier than expected as her play “Dead Accounts” will close. Guess Katie was as successful playing the lead role as she was playing at a marriage with Tom Cruise.

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Syracuse beat West Virginia 38-14 in the Pinstripe Bowl. Well, at least one New York football team has had a decent December.

 

Love this story from the Palo Alto Daily Post: Two parents, 52, and their daughter, 22 are in custody after being arrested for shoplifting at Nordstrom’s. The women were caught outside the store, but the father escaped. Until he called police that night to report his wife and daughter missing. Family bonding…. Well, at least they’re all in the same jail.

Snow place like home.

December 22, 2012

The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.

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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013″ Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”

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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.

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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Wow.  The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.

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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.

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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?

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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy.  Or just plain old union thugs?

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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?

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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….

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Great, so today Facebook was asking today  “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?”    Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?

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No better angels here.

December 20, 2012

If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?

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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.

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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….

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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?

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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘

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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?

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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.

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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.

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from Marc Ragovin:   “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”

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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.

(and hey,   makes sense  to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)

6 1/2 more shopping days…

December 18, 2012

A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.

These people are called “men.”

 

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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.

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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.

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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.

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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.

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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims  at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.

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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.

 

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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.

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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)

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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.

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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?

 

For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.

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-”Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….

The NFL and other distractions:

December 17, 2012

 

 

Roger Goodell has to be breathing a sigh of relief with the SF 49ers’ win tonight: One week closer to the Seattle Seahawks not voting a Division Winner’s share to the replacement refs.

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The 49ers won 41-31 after blowing a 31-3 in the second half.     now 31-24.   San Francisco fans had to wonder if they were watching the last two quarters of the game or a Movie-of-the-Week showing of the Titanic?

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Got to love the NFL, a number of games with playoff implications on now and those of us in Northern California got Chiefs-Raiders? It’s as if say, a top-ten Bowl Matchup was on and arbitrarily some of us only got the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.

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Missed the post game news conference,   so  how  much did Gisele Bundchen complain about her husband’s Patriot teammates?

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Meanwhile,  watching Big Ben against the  Dallas Cowboys was kind of like watching Notre Dame against USC.    Had to root  for a tie.  (missed it by THAT much.)

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Wonder if before the Miami Dolphins-Jacksonville Jaguars game if both teams were told the winner might have the chance to join the SEC?

 

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So do the Redskins really not need RG3 after all.  Or are the Cleveland Browns just that bad?

 

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An usher was shaken up today during the Rams-Vikings when after a touchdown catch St. Louis WRs Danny Amendola spiked the ball and it hit him in the face. Well, at least ushers in Arizona who work for the Cardinals know they are safe.

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So since the NY Jets have this week’s MNF game, Tim Tebow has Sunday off. Which actually isn’t much different than any weekend he’s been on the Jets roster.

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I am clearly missing part of the “girly” gene. Just saw an ad for “Jimmy Choo” perfume. And thinking “Why would you want to smell like a shoe?”

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A thought about the Dodgers and Angels stockpiling high-priced talent: The Detroit Tigers went into the World Series with the league MVP and the best pitcher in baseball. And how did that work out for them?

Goodness has nothing to do with it.

November 15, 2012

 

 

 

Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.

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But really?  An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.

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US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.

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The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?

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Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?

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Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”

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Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?

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Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?

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So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.

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United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.

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Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.

Dying for attention?

October 8, 2012

In Florida, the 32 year-old winner of a roach-eating contest died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms.. Darwin would be so proud. (And what’s scarier than eating roaches? The fact that this guy was a swing-state voter.)

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Could it get any worse for the NY Jets? Well, tonight there was this tweet ““Hey JETS!!!” I’m available! I’m ready, willing & able!” The tweet, no joke, was from Terrell Owens.

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Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, “In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts.” Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy.

 

Nice job tonight,   Baltimore Orioles.  Good to see that it is still possible to wear Orange and Black on a baseball diamond and score runs.

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TBS announcers actually bragging that for “the first time, MLB network has the playoffs.” Really? Am surprised they don’t tell folks who can’t afford the network and have to follow the games onlne or on radio to eat cake while they’re at it.
(Of course,  let’s be fair, if Roger Goodell could put the Super Bowl on pay-per-view, he would.)

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A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that’s not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for.

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Mitt Romney said today in a speech that the U.S. needs to be “more assertive” in the Mideast. Apparently we haven’t started enough wars and spent enough trillions yet.

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Monday should have been one of Mitt Romney’s favorite holidays: In many ways Christopher Columbus was the first to really profit from offshoring.

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In Berkeley,  Monday was  “Indigenous People’s Day.” Although these days the California schools are in such bad shape the harder goal may not be learning history but to get kids to be able to spell “Indigenous.”

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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select reporters and other media representatives.

 

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A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader will avoid jail in a plea deal where she admitted having sex with a 17-year-old who was her student at a Northern Kentucky high school. Many were outraged by the deal, especially other boys who wanted her sentenced to teach at THEIR school.

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Another thought about last night’s game at A T and T Park. Was T.S. Eliot really an SF Giants fan before his time “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”

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Maria Shriver is reportedly wearing her wedding ring again, despite Arnold’s new autobiography detailing several affairs and lies. Maybe Schwarzenegger has convinced her that he really is a true Kennedy.

 

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Gary M.   starts this last one off:  “After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have split up. He’s 67, she’s 64…divorcing in their 60′s seems a bit short-sighted.”

TC  adds “That joke went over my head.”

Have at it folks,  this could go on for a while.  The whole thing could be a little much.

Rough Ryder?

September 30, 2012

U.S. collapsed so fast in the Ryder Cup today have to wonder if beer and fried chicken were involved.

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The Ryder Cup was played at Medinah Country Club, a suburb of Chicago.  Which means the least surprised fans were Cubs fans. They know nothing good happens in town in September.

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Tiger Woods was point-less through Saturday’s matches in the Ryder Cup. Wow. Last time Tiger went that long without scoring, Elin and a tree were involved.

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Ann Romney says if Mitt is elected her biggest concern “obviously would just be for his mental well-being.” Well, gosh, good thing he’s not going for a high-stress kind of job.

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Baylor 63, West Virginia 70 on Saturday. So who started the college basketball season and didn’t tell us?

 

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Well, Tim Tebow isn’t the starting QB yet. But after a 34 to 0 loss to the SF 49ers no doubt the NY Jets had a stadium full of people screaming “Jesus Christ!”

 

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The 49ers were so dominant Jim Harbaugh didn’t even need replacement refs to give him unlimited challenges.

 

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From the very funny Alex Kaseberg:   Meanwhile, the former NFL substitute refs continue to make horrible decisions; last night one of them went to Red Lobster and ordered sushi.

 

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A Mormon woman’s email has gone viral asking people to fast and pray for Mitt Romney in the debates. Well, not sure if this would help Mitt on Wednesday, but it can’t hurt our country’s obesity issues.

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Paul Ryan this morning, after being asked for details of their tax plan: “well, I don’t have the time. It would take me too long to go through all of the math.” Is this campaign speak for “You can’t handle the truth?”

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Both campaigns are working so hard to praise their opponents’ abilities and downplay their own chances, it’s hard to tell if we’re having a Presidential debate Wednesday or a playoff game.

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Mitt Romney is apparently practicing “zingers.”  Just what we need.  A stand up comic in chief?

 

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47%

September 19, 2012

So it’s all about the Romney video.   But really, there’s hasn’t been so much talk about 47% since, well, last Thursday and Jay Cutler’s completion rate.

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(And btw, since there are no ads, no taxes are paid from the writing of this blog.)

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Mitt Romney just dissed Americans who see themselves as “victims.” So much for that all important Cubs’  fan vote.

 

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SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves – 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox – 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted.

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Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax……

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Just wondering, if Tampa Bay’s attempt to rush the NY Giants’ huddle during their end of game kneel-down had resulted in a fumble, how many teams would try it next week?

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The San Jose Spartans received one 25th place vote in this week’s USA Today-Coaches college football poll. Well, they did come closer to beating Stanford than USC.

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NFL teams are furious with the replacement refs. They can’t wait to get back to being furious with the regular officials.

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The New York Jets lwere scoreless in the last 40 minutes of their loss to the Steelers, Peyton Manning threw three interceptions in a quarter in a loss to the Falcons. Wonder whose fans were screaming louder for Tim Tebow?

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USC Matt Barkley said today he’s glad coach Lane Kiffin publicly critiqued his play last weekend against Stanford. Is this the college football equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome?”

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Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning – even when you think you have privacy, don’t expose yourself.

 

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The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa.

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Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig.

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PC overload time. A Rhode Island school district banned father-daughter dances and mother-son ballgames on gender discrimination charges. Who do they think they are – San Francisco?

Tebow or not Tebow. That is the question.

March 24, 2012

Mitt Romney’s definitely done some job creation this week. At Ohio Art. They make Etch A Sketch.

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Drew Stanton, the New York Jets previously expected backup QB, has apparently asked to be traded or released. I think that has been arranged.

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I can see it now when Tebow arrives in the Jets locker room. Rex Ryan “So Tim, tell me again about Jesus and that foot washing stuff.”

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from Bill Littlejohn: “It was strange to see John Elway standing next to his QB and not having to smile through clenched teeth.”

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The most disappointed fans with Bountygate have to be in Washington. Had it only been the Redskins found guilty instead of the Saints, maybe Goodell would have suspended Dan Snyder.

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Today’s example of how if aliens land they will conclude there is no intelligent life on this planet: http://now.msn.com/now/0322-romney-vs-birthers.aspx

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Rick Santorum, talking about his opposition: “If they’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk of what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate for the future.” When this campaign is over, Santorum may have a job waiting for him – on the Committee to Re-Elect the President.

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Newt Gingrich, on why he is still running -””I’m staying in the race because I believe we ought to have a conservative who’s serious, who’s had national achievements and who doesn’t write his policy on an Etch A Sketch and zig-zag back and forth wildly.” Maybe so, but the GOP is still looking for that candidate.

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Pat Robertson on football:”Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP QB, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.” “From your lips to God’s ear” responded other AFC West fans.

(Have to wonder why Robertson is so upset about the trade. Is he a Broncos fan or a Jets fan?)

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The Milwaukee Brewers have announced they will dedicate a statue of Bob Uecker on August 31. The statue will presumably be placed “just a bit outside” Miller Park.

When you’re a Jet….

March 21, 2012

The New York Jets already overpaid for Mark Sanchez. Now apparently they’ve got Tim Tebow too? And late night comics are saying “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Let the fireworks begin. Tebow to the Jets for a fourth and sixth round pick. Where with Tim’s is 47.3% career completion percentage, he will be backup presumably to Mark Sanchez, with his gaudy 55.3% rate. I can hear those happy fans already.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up. A Romney staffer was asked about concerns that Romney was going too far to the right to appeal to moderates: His response: “Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch-A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all of over again.” Well, at least he’s honest.
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VCU men’s basketball coach Shaka Smart turned down the head coaching position at Illinois. Maybe he’s holding out for a high level amateur team closer to Richmond, like the Washington Wizards.

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In Miami Beach, an impatient woman driving an SUV sped up to cut in line in a gas station and accidently ran into the pump. The gas pump burst into flames, destroying itself and the SUV. The sad news, the driver survived unharmed.

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A woman engrossed in trying to change an appointment on her phone actually fell into Lake Michigan. (She was rescued by her husband and a passerby.) Seems like Apple needs a “common sense” app.

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Now that Mitt Romney is, by his spokesman’s own statement, the “Etch A Sketch” candidate, here’s a historical pop culture lesson for anyone under 30: An “Etch A Sketch” is kind of like an iPad drawing program that you shake instead of hitting “delete.”

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Who are these guys? Stanford men’s basketball team destroyed an NCAA bubble team (Nevada) 84-56 tonight in the NIT quarter-finals.

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And just think, if this were BCS run college football instead of basketball instead of this admittedly second-tier tournament run, based on Stanford’s regular season fans could have watched the Cardinal against someone like N.C. State in the Dec 18 “Some company you’ve never heard of” bowl.

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Got to love it. At Stanford Shopping Center, an upscale open-air mall, there are several close-in parking places near the handicapped spaces “reserved for McDonald’s customers.” Uh, folks, if you eat less McDonald’s you’re less likely to end up needing the handicapped spots.

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ESPN just said “New York hasn’t seen anything like Tebow-mania.” Well, at least not since last month.

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Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore has entered rehab for substance abuse. His first task in the 12-step program – learning to count to 12.

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Not that I would ever accuse Roger Goddell of favoring image over substance. But have to wonder, was it a coincidence that the Saints’ punishment was announced just after Peyton Manning finally made his decision? (And a day before NCAA March Madness starts up again.)

Just also wonder, what would have happened if Alex Smith hadn’t done his two minute Superman imitation in the playoffs, and the Saints defeated the 49ers, Giants and Patriots….

But let me guess, Sean Payton and company haven’t been watching the news for the past 10 or so years???? Clinton, Sanford, Weiner, Martha Stewart etc…..The coverup always gets punished worst than the crime. Even Richard Nixon somewhere has to be muttering “What were you THINKING?”

Snow place like home.

December 13, 2010

 Well, so much for those who said nothing in Minneapolis this year would collapse faster than Brett Favre’s dream of going back to the Super Bowl…

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Brett Favre has apparently told teammates that he doesn’t think he will play Monday night. And God responded  “You mean I collapsed that roof for nothing?”

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Unfortunately for Vikings fans, snow meant their game was postponed. Unfortunately for Bears fans, snow meant their game wasn’t.

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My friend Douglas Hudson commented “how embearassing.”

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But really, the Bears offense falling apart  because a game was played in the snow?    (They lost 36-7 to the New England Patriots)  What’s next, Drew Brees having a bad passing day due to Superdome air conditioning?

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 Meanwhile, in Washington, the Redskins continue their quest to find the most creative possible ways to lose a game. Today a great last minute drive negated by their holder not catching the ball on an extra point try. What’s next? For the price of a charter flight the Stanford band is available.

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In fact, as contentious as things might get in our nation’s capital, the one resolution that would probably get passed unanimously is a bill stating simply “Redskins Suck.”

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New York Jets coach Sal Alosi has apologized for a “total lapse in judgment” for tripping the Dolphins’ Nolan Carroll as he ran along the sidelines during a punt return today. No word on any potential punishment, but on the brighter side Alosi has been offered a job playing defense for the Dallas Cowboys.

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So coach Rex Ryan buried a game ball after his Jets were destroyed on MNF by the mighty Patriots. What’s he going to bury after they got beat by the mediocre Dolphins?

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‎49ers 40 – Seahawks 21. Today’s game at Candlestick Park was so embarassing for Pete Carroll that he had to think he was back with USC playing Stanford.

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 The 5-8 49ers are still inexplicably alive for a playoff spot in the woeful NFL West. And there are signs that coach Mike Singletary has gotten just a bit cocky after this week’s 41-20 drubbing of the Seahawks. For example, in the team’s locker room, Singletary has already hung a banner saying “Mission Accomplished.”

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Although to be fair, S.F.’s win did mean that at least for this year, they’re not the 4 and 9 ers.

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7-11 has come up with their own brand of wine, available exclusively at their convenience stores,, and known as “Cherrywood Cellars.”  Of course, wine snobs might argue that instead of cherries, wine is generally made from grapes.

On the other hand, if you care about what fruit your wine is made from, you probably aren’t shopping for it at 7-11.

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from Bill Littlejohn. on the Japanese space probe that’s hurtling toward the sun after it overshot Venus: “So much for JaMarcus Russell’s career as an aerospace engineer.”

Magic numbers?

September 28, 2010

With six games to go, SF Giants magic number is 6. L.A. Dodgers magic number is 18.

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Tonight, temperamental Chicago hurler Carlos Zambrano stepped up big time and the Cubs hung on for a 1-0 win over the San Diego Padres. Grateful Giants fans are considering sacrificing a water cooler in Zambrano’s honor.

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The SF Giants, one of the most “offensively-challenged” teams in baseball, will play the similarly afflicted San Diego Padres this weekend, with the NL Western Division title probably on the line. This could be the first MLB playoff spot ever decided by penalty kicks.

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Sad story about the owner of the Segway company falling off a cliff while riding one of his machines. Sad, really. But I defy anyone to read the story without at least trying to stop giggling.

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Georgia Bulldogs freshman linebacker Demetre Baker, 19, was jailed this weekend in Athens on DUI and underage alcohol possession charges.

This makes him the 10th football player from the University arrested this year. On a brighter note, Georgia announced they officially are now running the NCAA’s best NFL preparedness program.

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For Canadian football fans – The cellar-dwelling Winnipeg Blue Bombers are actually a .500 team at home, but are winless in their six away games. In fact, they might have the worst record on the road since George Michael.

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Braylon Edwards was arrested last week for DUI, with a alleged blood alcohol level over twice the legal limit. Jets coach Rex Ryan suspended him for ONE quarter, saying he thought Braylon had “suffered enough.” And Edwards caught a 67-yard touchdown catch that the team beat the Dolphins 31-23 Sunday. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

(If he’d injured or killed someone in an accident wonder if Ryan would have suspended him for a whole half?)
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While Michael Douglas’ sequel to “Wall Street” was the number one movie last week, it still put up disappointing numbers after mostly mediocre reviews. Apparently while “Money Never Sleeps,” the audience might doze off.

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As the Denver Nuggets try to unload a disgruntled Carmelo Anthony, Anthony is perhaps trying to salvage his reputation by insisting, “I’ve never said I wanted to be traded. I never once said anything about trade talk.”

Indeed, a trade means someone else gets to choose. Carmelo just wants to play where HE wants to play. Wonder if he’s already trying working out a deal for an ESPN special.

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from Bill Littlejohn: “Stanford’s FB/LB Owen Marecic became the first player to score both ways at Notre Dame since a 1976 campus visit by David Bowie.”
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Rough day for the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers. Who’d a thunk that the best football team in California this year might turn out to be Stanford?

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Christine O’Donnell wants us to believe that she is a different person from the woman who made all those crazy quotes in the past. But since people really don’t tend to change all that much as they get older, seems like electing her would just result in “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”


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