Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’

Basebrawl.

April 22, 2014

The Brewers’ Carlos Gomez, talking about a brawl he helped start Sunday against the Pirates, said “Things happen in the game. We know it’s not good for baseball…” Well, on the other hand, how often do national networks show highlights of a Milwaukee-Pittsburgh game?

 

No brawl broke out in Colorado Monday night.    Although stealing second base with a 7 to 1 lead in Coors Field… reasonable. Stealing second base against the current SF Giants with a 7 to 1 lead, grounds for beaning.

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And maybe the SF Giants hitters just need to relax. Since they’re in Colorado can Bruce Bochy put Tim Lincecum on snack duty?

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A 16 year-old boy is lucky to be alive after stowing away in the wheel well of a flight from San Jose, CA to Maui this weekend. The FBI and TSA are trying to figure out how to tighten security. Airlines are trying to figure out if there is any way to charge for flying in the wheel well.

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ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson was arrested for alleged domestic violence over the weekend. Just another guy trying to prove he’s still in NFL form?

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John McCain was on Monday night’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Presumably trying to appeal to his supporters who are up at that hour. Both of them.

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The Knicks today fired Mike Woodson. Wonder who will be the next head coach the team can blame for not contending for an NBA title.

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Neil Young has released a new album “A Letter Home” on vinyl only. Some Millennials are responding “Who’s Neil Young?” Even more are responding “What is ‘vinyl’?”

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Lindsay Lohan says now she recently had a miscarriage. “What a great mother she would have made” said absolutely nobody.

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Sunday, 4/20, was the unofficial National Pot Holiday. Which means a number of folks will be showing up in California parks all week saying “Where is everyone?”

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Truly amazing story of that young man who stowed away in a Hawaiian Airlines wheel well and made it to Maui. Even more amazing, he knocked the search for MH370 off CNN’s front page.

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It takes 16 wins in the playoffs to win the NBA championship. To put that in perspective, 16 wins was last season’s total counting playoffs for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks.

 

According to Fox News Charles Krauthammer said “it is evident the real objective of ObamaCare is to sever the relationship that Americans have now with their private insurance so everyone eventually ends up in in a market essentially controlled by the government.”  As an ex-resident of Canada,  we can only hope…..

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “In Austria, a man walked into a police station and was arrested after he asked to see if he was wanted for arrest. He was. Police have no choice but to incarcerate him and then extradite him to Florida.”

Missed it by that much.

April 21, 2014

Kraft Foods is recalling 96,000 pounds of its Oscar Mayer wieners because they may mistakenly contain cheese. Wonder how many Kraft might have recalled if the wieners mistakenly contained meat.

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Why there is no satire. Connecticut  Senator Richard Blumenthal, campaigning campaign for better safety with Metro-North trains, held a press conference, set up his easel too close to the tracks, and almost got hit by the train. 

 

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A South African Sunday Times columnist wrote today that a “reliable source” told him that Oscar Pistorius was taking acting lessons before his trial so he could appear more sympathetic. Just when you thought Pistorius couldn’t appear any more of a scumbag….

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R.I.P. Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, 76. And if you don’t know who he is except that Dylan wrote a song about him, you might be young. And if you don’t know who Dylan is, you might be REALLY young.

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Miami needed an 18-4 run in the 4th quarter to beat Charlotte in game 1 of their NBA playoff series. Heat coach Erik Spoelstra ” We were flat to start. I think our guys were just anxious.” “Anxious” against the 43-39 Bobcats? Or worried about their ticket allocation for the Eastern conference finals?

 

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The NBA says now that referees made a game-changing mistake in missing a foul against Chris Paul with 20 seconds left in the Warriors-Clippers game 1. But it’s not as if the league feels it was anything really critical – the refs didn’t cost the Heat a game.

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Meanwhile, the Washington Wizards have actually won a playoff game. I blame Obama.

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It will be a very long time before Easter is again on 4-20.    So  Frito-Lay really missed their chance to have a line of egg-shaped Doritos.
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Miss American has asked a high school to reconsider their suspension of a student for asking her to his prom during an assembly. Really?! Better that than he was dating a teacher.

 

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In Friday night’s game against the Rays, the Yankees’ Cesar Cabral faced six batters, allowing three hits, three hit batsmen, and three runs. All without recording an out. He was released afterwards. Cabral has to hope he gets picked up by an NL team, he could probably throw a few shutdown innings against the SF Giants.
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Apparently the Dodgers’  Clayton Kershaw felt no back pain in a simulated game. And SF Giants fans are thinking “Good for him, now let’s hope he takes the recovery nice and slow and easy. Until August or September at least..
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From Bill Littlejohn  “What University of Idaho football recruiters tell prospects—that WR Dezmon Epps was the only WR in the nation to total over 100 yards receiving against eventual national champion Florida State
What University of Idaho football recruiters neglect to tell prospects–they lost that game to Florida State, 80-14
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High holy day.

April 19, 2014

This year Easter falls on 4 20, the national pot holiday. So hide those chocolate bunnies.

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If Sunday is all about resurrection maybe Christians should add a few prayers for the #SFGiants offense?

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At some point it’s not the opposing pitcher shutting you down with great stuff: #SFGiants hitting becoming oxymoron.

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In New Jersey, a woman is suing the Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate reading “8THEIST.” Where are the small government folks lining up to defend her right to free speech on this one?

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Anyone who thinks baseball players aren’t tough, I give you the Reds’ Aroldis, cleared to throw BP exactly a month after he was hit in the face by one of his 100pm fastballs lined back at him in spring training.

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The Philadelphia 76ers ended up 19-63, and but they hold two lottery picks. So their owner said yesterday “I think the season has been a huge success for us.” And for any team lucky enough to have the Sixers on the schedule.

 

A whole new phenomenon in baseball, the manager coming out to chat with the umpire, seeing the thumbs down from the bench coach who’s talking to the replay coach, and walking back to the dugout. So while waiting do they talk about restaurants?

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The A’s Jed Lowrie angered the Houston Astros Friday night when he tried to bunt against the shift in the first inning with Oakland up 7-0. But hey, it’s the Astros. Is it unfair to bunt against them with any lead at all?

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Both Alabama QB’s struggled in their Spring game. Meaning Nick Saban will be looking for more anti-offense college football rule changes in the name of “safety.”

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Macy’s CEO just spoke out against raising the minimum wage. What, if the store has to pay more they’ll only be able to have “One Day Sales” every other day?

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The Columbus Blue Jackets had their first playoff win ever Saturday night. And two questions from most Americans. 1. Columbus has a pro team? 2. What sport?

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CNN headline on MH370, the search is at a “critical juncture.” Presumably because the searchers are running out of ideas, and CNN is running out of adjectives?

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Fox News has fired an executive who used her company e-mail account for a charity drive for relatives of MH370′s passengers. Guess she should have known better. Had the woman simply used her business email to attack Obama she would have been fine.

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Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

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Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

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An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

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An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

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In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

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The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

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In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

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Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

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If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Maybe baby.

April 17, 2014

Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. And presumably that baby, boy or girl,  will be running for President in 2064.

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Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy is a big deal in the U.S. Of course, it’s not like in Britain with Prince George, where a child can grow up to rule simply by virtue of his/her birth….Oops, never mind.

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The arts and crafts chain Michaels is the latest to be hit by a security breach. The company said that about 2.6 million customer credit and debit cards used at its stores may have been affected. Worrisome news for a lot of women and almost a dozen men.

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Uber is adding a $1 flat “Safe Rides” Fee onto all fares. Their first mandatory surcharge.  They must have hired an executive from the airlines.

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Chad Johnson is heading to the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes.. Is this some small payback to Canada for Justin Bieber?

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With Tiger and Phil out for the weekend, the Masters had its lowest ratings in over 20 years. Hearing this most Americans asked “Oh, was there a golf tournament on?”

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Oscar Pistorius’s own defense forensics expert witness today contradicted the athlete’s earlier testimony on the stand. Even the O.J. jurors are beginning to think this guy is guilty.

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A new app will allow users,for a monthly fee, to have unlimited coffee at a number of independent. The app, called CUPS, is $45 for regular coffee or tea, $85 for espressos. But, hey, for that price you could get a half dozen drinks at Starbucks.

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Apparently Donovan McNabb was arrested Jan 6 for DUI, and has already served a one-day sentence after pleading guilty. Wonder why the story’s just coming out now. Maybe McNabb is just trying to show he still belongs in the NFL?

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Apparently the Captain of that ill-fated South Korean ferry was not only not at the helm when it began listing, but he also was one of the first people rescued. Maybe it’s time to send the guy on a fact-finding mission, back to the ferry’s bridge wearing only a snorkel and flippers.

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Edward Snowden made a “surprise” appearance on Putin’s annual question-and- answer TV show to ask “Does Russia intercept, store or analyze in any way the communications of millions of individuals?” Putin responded that Russia has a special service that bugs telephone and Internet to fight crimes, including terrorism, only with court permission and only “for specific citizens.” But “on a massive scale, on an uncontrolled scale we certainly do not allow this and I hope we will never allow it.”

And they both performed this with a straight face!

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So FB is going to introduce a new feature called “Nearby Friends,” which they say is optional. The idea is to tell you if any of your friends are in the area. And how many millions of teenagers with parents on FB just started looking for a new social media site?

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Chipotle announced their profit increased 8.5% last quarter. So you know what that means… Yep, their prices are going up

Counting down.

April 17, 2014

Anyone who says April baseball is boring isn’t paying attention. #Giants #Dodgers

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Four and a half minutes for instant replay to decide a call stands in tonight’s Giants Dodgers game? How long until the instant replay breaks are “brought to you by….”?

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Josh Hamilton and Mike Napoli both have injured themselves on head-first slides, and Gregor Blanco got away with one Tuesday night in SF. Have any of them noticed that NO ONE at the NFL combine finishes the 40 yard dash with a dive?

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The NBA Bucks have been sold, to new owners who say they will keep the team in Milwaukee. Of course this could partly be because no one else wants them.

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Bud Selig called MLB’s instant replay rollout “remarkable” and said “we’ve had really very little controversy overall.” Presume the commissioner reiterated that the steroid era is over.

(from my friend Lindol, “I’ll have what he’s having.”)

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In the #Marlins rotation, Slowey will replace Hand. Does this even need a punchline?

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British PM David Cameron has been photographed enjoying himself on vacation in the Canary Islands at a topless beach. And President Obama no doubt got a call offering to assist with U.S. – England relations from Bill Clinton.

 

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A missing Nebraska toddler was found safe and sound INSIDE a toy claw game machine. Apparently he wanted the stuffed toys inside and managed to squeeze his way through the prize slot. Good thing the slot is small or this story might have given a number of frat boys ideas.

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At online betting site, Bovada, Tiger Woods, at 10-1, is a co-favorite with Rory McIlroy to win the U.S. Open in June. Even though Woods probably won’t play in the U.S. Open. Guess he’s the only name a lot of bettors know?

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As the NBA season ends, remember “2014″ as the answer to win a future bar bet.  As in the 1st year ever the Lakers, Knicks and Celtics will all miss the playoffs.

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A United flight from JFK to Dulles was evacuated today after a Twitter post said there was a bomb on board. Silly. For that short a flight there wasn’t even time fpr a GOOD inflight movie.

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The story out of South Korea with that ferry gets worse and worse. Who have ever thought the Costa Concordia would look like a model evacuation by comparison?

Arrested development.

April 15, 2014

There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

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So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?

 

Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”

 

 

Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

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Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

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Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.

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Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

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In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

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A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

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Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

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Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?

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The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

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A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 

 

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For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)

 

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Nothing lasts forever

April 14, 2014

But some things come close.

 

It’s only five days until Easter. Time to start trying to remember where you put the Marshmallow Peeps in storage?

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I don’t watch “Game of Thrones.” But it appears to be a show where you might want to turn down wedding invitations.

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After winning the Masters Bubba Watson headed to Waffle House. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Watson actually went for the food.

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It was an exciting Masters golf tournament this year, except that neither Tiger nor Phil were there on the weekend. And ESPN executives said to their pals at CBS – “Now you know how we feel when the game of the week isn’t between the Red Sox and Yankees!”

 

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In Louisiana, Gov. Bobby Jindal has joined the state GOP chair in calling on Vance McAllister, who was seen on video kissing his staffer, to resign from Congress. Guessing we’re going to wait a long time for a statement on the subject from Senator David Vitter.

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Michael Phelps announced he is coming out of retirement, which means he could swim at the 2016 Rio Olympics. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

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If #MH370 wasn’t still missing wonder how many days CNN would devote to the #USAirways twitter fiasco?

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Someone in US Airways’ social media customer service department accidentally tweeted out a lewd picture in response to a customer comment.  Well, it will make for an interesting story when he or she gets asked “So why did you leave your last profession?”

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Delta refers to their extra legroom seats as “Economy comfort.” Fair enough. But they should call the rest of the plane by its true name – “Economy discomfort.”

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Newt Gingrich says Kathleen Sibelius was “right to resign” over the Obamacare website “disgrace.” Well, if anyone knows about resigning in disgrace….

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The Wisconsin GOP’s Resolutions Committee just affirmed the party’s support for “legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” Well, if the state can make this happen, can they take Arizona, Florida and Texas with them?

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Tony La Russa says he is surprised there haven’t been more “hiccups” with the new MLB instant replay. So how many blown calls did he expect in the first two weeks?

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Investigators hired by Chris Christie reported the N.J. Governor had tears in his eyes during a meeting after he first learned of the news report linking his aides to the the George Washington Bridge closure. Crying over their involvement, or crying over getting caught?

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A 14-year-old Dutch girl was arrested after sending American Airlines a tweet saying “hello my name’s Ibrahim and I’m from Afghanistan. I’m part of Al Qaida and on June 1st I’m gonna do something really big bye.” What was she thinking? Gal is WAY too young to be dating Aldon Smith.

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Really? John Calipari now says he would coach at Kentucky longer if the “one-and-done” rule was altered to keep kids in school at least two years. Maybe he thinks if players stay twice as long he’d have half the chance of getting caught for recruiting violations?

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Gary M on the woman who was dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food.

“If only she’d been wearing her heels…”

Be careful what you wish for?

April 13, 2014

Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.

 

SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”

 

Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

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Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?

 

OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

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Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

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Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

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A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

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Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?

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Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

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Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

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Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

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A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

If the shoe hits?

April 12, 2014

The woman who killed her boyfriend with a stiletto heel has been sentenced to life in prison. Any possibility of parole will no doubt contain the condition of wearing flats.

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Notre Dame has finally decided to install artificial Fieldturf in their football stadium for the upcoming season.. Standby for alums writing op-eds about how the Fighting Irish now have the best artificial turf ever.

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The Tampa Bay Lightning’s Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning on charges of DUI and possession of cocaine. Who says hockey players aren’t big time pro athletes?

 

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The Texas judge who decided to put the “affluenza” teen in rehab instead of jail, decided his parents should pay $1170 a month for his treatment at a state hospital, using the hospital’s sliding scale. The actual cost, $715 a day. The state will pay the rest. Where’s Ted Cruz screaming about healthcare costs to taxpayers on this one?

 

Chad Johnson is working out for the CFL Montreal Alouettes. Will he change his name to “Quatre-vingt cinq?”

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Although the Boston Red Sox challenged a call Saturday, and multiple replays showed the NY runner had taken his foot off second base and should have been out, the umps did not overturn it. MLB’s response “The conclusive angle was not immediately available.” Uh, two thoughts. 1. What’s the point if you DON’T have the “conclusive angle available.” 2. Suppose it’s better than saying. “You REALLY expect us to overturn a call against the Yankees?”

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Sylvia Mathews Burwell was approved by a 96-0 vote in the Senate last year as the Office of Management and Budget director. But now many in the GOP are talking about a contentious confirmation process for her as HHS Secretary. Why? Because Obama chose her, of course. Isn’t that reason enough?

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Ted Cruz said Sylvia Mathews Burwell’s confirmation hearing “presents an ideal opportunity to examine the failures that are Obamacare.” With all due respect, Senator Cruz thinks getting up in the morning presents an ideal opportunity to example the “failures” that are Obamacare.

 

 

The search goes on, but the pings have apparently faded in the Indian Ocean as the search for MH 370. Which is probably why amongst the CNN headlines today was “Hundreds sickened on cruise ships .”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “One man at the Masters saw Rory McIlroy’s face  in a pastry and bet $1,600 on the golfer.   It’s also one of the few times John Daly’s face wasn’t seen in a pastry”

 

Past his bedtime?

April 11, 2014

Rush Limbaugh is attacking CBS for hiring Stephen Colbert to host “The Late Show, saying the network is “blowing up the 11:30 format under the guise that the world’s changing…..They’ve hired a partisan, so-called comedian, to run a comedy show.” Uh, just guessing that Rush has never watched Letterman?

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Tiger Woods isn’t at the Masters. Phil Mickelson missed the cut. But the Red Sox are playing the Yankees this weekend. And over at ESPN they’re thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

 

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Missouri just dismissed their star WR Dorial Green-Beckman. He already had two marijuana arrests, and last weekend police reported a woman student said he forced open her door and pushed her down four stairs while trying to see his girlfriend. Green-Beckman has been projected as a possible 1st round NFL pick. Wonder how long it will take some kind coach to offer him a second chance?

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A shoe was tossed at Hillary Clinton  during a speech? Really? She hasn’t even been elected President yet.

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Michael Pineda was seen pitching today with a brown substance on his throwing hand, setting off speculation that he was using pine tar. But hey, it’s the Yankees, so Bud Selig will no doubt proclaim that the steroid era is over.

 

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#GaylordPerry has to be shaking his head over this #MichaelPineda alleged pine-tar controversy. As in, “Dude, Vaseline is colorless.”

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A 52 year old woman has been charged with felony counts of solicitation of rape after what she calls a childish “prank that got out of control.” Unhappy at losing her “dream house” to a higher bid, she put ads online pretending to be the new woman owner and claiming she had a rape fantasy. No, not Florida. San Diego.

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Kathleen Sibelius apparently was missing a page of her farewell speech today. The GOP immediately set upon this as reason for another vote to repeal Obamacare.

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Coldwater Creek has filed for bankruptcy and will liquidate stores. Response from most Americans, who or what is “Coldwater Creek?” #Ithinkiseetheproblem

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The Australian Prime Minister says he is “confident” that signals heard are from MH370′s black box. And if a politician says it, it must be true.

 

The latest, however, from the Australian Prime Minister , is that the search for Flight 370 is “a massive task, and it is likely to continue for a long time.” Which could mean one of the world’s easiest jobs for a while could be “CNN Programming Director.”

 

 

Madison Bumgarner,  5 RBIs including a grand slam.  The DH is SO overrated. #Pitchtomadbum #SFGiants

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Colin Kaepernick tweeted “The charges made in the TMZ story and other stories I’ve seen are completely wrong. They make things up about me that never happened.” He may be right about TMZ but just maybe Colin should also think about not giving them anything to work with?

(as in, dude, you’re not in college anymore, you’re the face of a NFL franchise….)

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Fox News Anchor Heather Childers congratulated the UConn men’s basketball team on winning the NAACP championship. Proving once again that a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Fox News anchor Heather Childers congratulated the UConn men’s basketball team on winning the NAACP championship, proving once again that a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Comedy Writer Marc Ragovin of New York

- See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-april-11-2014-edition-466/#sthash.H9TV53JM.dpuf

Blind squirrel nut day.

April 10, 2014

I admit, I was wrong. Never thought any of the Kardashian clan would ever say anything intelligent. But I give you Kris Jenner, when asked about rumors that she would pose for Playboy – “Oh my god, no! I don’t think anyone wants to see me without any clothes on.”

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The NY Post reports that Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t want to publicly split from Chris Martin, preferring that they stay in a “pretend marriage.” If true, who does she think she is? Tom Cruise?

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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick is reportedly being investigated for sexual assault in Miami. No charges have been filed at this point. But wouldn’t you think with all the money these guys make they’d be smart enough to stick with professional working girls?

 

 

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SF 49ers hoping sexual assault charges will not be filed against Colin Kaepernick. Still, once again this illustrates the danger of having openly heterosexual men play football.

 

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In a new interview, Jimmy Carter praised John Kerry but criticized President Obama and Hillary Clinton over their handling of Middle East peace negotiations. And over at FOX as they try to figure out how to say “Carter is right,” heads are no doubt exploding.

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A new report indicates that the CIA used Red Hot Chili Peppers’ songs to torture terrorism suspects. Well, guess they couldn’t use “It’s a Small World,” because that would have been a violation of the Geneva convention.

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NY Giants QB Eli Manning will have arthroscopic surgery on his left ankle today. But the team hopes he will be recovered and ready to throw interceptions in minicamp.

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Paul Goldschmidt v. Tim Lincecum lifetime 7 HR, 17 RBI in 24 ABs. If he ever throws him a strike again test Timmy for marijuana #SFGiants .

 

Jay Leno might be thinking he got out of the Tonight Show just in time. #Colbert #Letterman

 

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John Calipari has a new book coming out with reform suggestions for college basketball. Amongst other things he believes players should be paid a stipend between $3,000 to $5,000, get one free roundtrip flight home a year, and be able to accept loans up to $50,000 against future earnings. Because these days kids on his team are really struggling during those six months of college.

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The lawyer for the young man accused of stabbing 20 people at a school near Pittsburgh says the kid’s family is “like the Brady Bunch.” Uh, yeah, except for that show a violent episode was Marcia’s broken nose.

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NY Giants QB Eli Manning will have arthroscopic surgery on his left ankle today. But the team hopes he will be recovered and ready to throw interceptions in minicamp.

 

 

 

Mike Huckabee says he’s not “homophobic but” he’s “on the right side of the bible., and unless God rewrites it, edits it, sends it down with his signature on it, it’s not my book to change.” Okay, so Huckabee’s good with all that rape, slavery, torture, incest and infanticide stuff too?

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Kathleen Sibelius is resigning as Secretary of HHS. Republicans cannot wait for Obama to appoint her replacement so they can explain why he or she is the wrong choice.

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Pay to play?

April 10, 2014

Adrian Peterson is saying now that college football players should be paid. And many former USC and SEC players are just giggling.

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The 2015 Pro Bowl will be at the University of Phoenix Stadium, but the league just announced the game will be returning to Hawaii in 2016. Translation, a whole lot of players probably told the NFL something like “giving up some of my off-season for a week in Arizona, really? Did I mention that nagging injury?”

 

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Oscar Pistorius at his trial Wednesday “I will try not to lie.” Can’t imagine why some defense attorneys don’t want to put their clients on the stand.

 

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Tuesday the SF Giants won their 2013 home opener behind Barry Zito, 34. This year they won behind Tim Hudson, 38. What’s next? In 2015 will they sign Jamie Moyer?

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41,000 people at A T and T Park knew that Tim Lincecum shouldn’t throw Paul Goldschmidt a fat strike with two on and nobody out. Shame Lincecum wasn’t one of them. #SFGiants

 

 

It’s bad enough if Hunter Pence isn’t hitting his weight. But now he’s not even hitting MY weight.

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#NFL preseason schedules were released today. And if you care, you might REALLY have too much time on your hands.

 

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The Indiana Pacers rested all five starters against the Milwaukee Bucks. Which almost made it a fair fight.  (The Pacers won 104-102)

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Louisiana Congressman Lance McAllister has decided not to ask for an FBI probe into who leaked the video of him kissing a staffer. Maybe because he a- doesn’t want it shown over and over again during the investigation, and b- doesn’t want the FBI to find if the culprit has any more videos?

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There’s a lot of competition, but the stupid tweet of the week contest may be over. Free agent LB Brandon Spikes, who signed a 4-year $3.2 million contract with New England in 2010, and who has now signed with the Bills, is complaining on Twitter about his time with the Patriots. Including this one – “4 years a slave.”

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Regarding those stabbings in Pittsburgh, if that kid was close enough actually to stick a knife in 20 people, you have to figure the death toll with a gun could have been at least twice that.

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The Justice Department says Hewlett-Packard has agreed to pay $108 million in criminal fines and civil penalties for bribing officials in Russia, Poland and Mexico to win technology contracts. Jeez, with all those bribes you’d think HP would have been more profitable.

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A thought for folks who dismiss athletes’ coming out with “I don’t care what they do in the bedroom.” Uh, they aren’t telling us specifically what they are doing in the bedroom any more than straight athletes are telling us what THEY are doing in the bedroom. They are saying they are gay. And for now, saying it publicly matters. In a generation, or less, I hope we can all shrug.

Play ball, finally.

April 8, 2014

Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.

 

#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

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Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

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And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

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Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

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Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

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As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

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79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

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UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

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Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

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John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

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Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?

 

Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

Beyond madness.

April 7, 2014

 

So one team no one much cares about vs. one team most of America hates. Made sense to play NCAA final at A T & T stadium in “North Texas.” It’s the basketball equivalent of many Dallas Cowboys game.

 

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Of course, if the BCS had been in charge of March Madness, #7 UConn would have been playing in something like the Carquest or Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

 

 

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Reporters in #Kentucky locker room will be outnumbered by agents trying to sign up their #freshmen for #NBADraft #MarchMadness

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Go figure, Stanford women can’t beat #UConn in basketball, but as my friend David Lombardi points out, the Stanford men did.

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The senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale . Florida’s largest megachurch, has resigned after confessing to cheating on his wife. Clearly this is what comes of being too tolerant of heterosexual marriage.

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A politically connected friend in Florida says Jeb Bush has decided to run for President. If true this completes the bipartisan bridge to the 20th century.

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Delta Air Lines announced they will now give free eyeshades and earplugs to economy passengers on international flights, and on flights to Europe coach passengers will receive a full-size bottle of water following their meal service. Gosh. How much will Delta need to raise fares to pay for this?

 

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So FB says they will always be free. But how long until they do the airline version of “free” As in if you don’t want your wall crammed into a tighter and tighter column, you have to pay the equivalent of an economy plus surcharge? Just askin’

 

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Bizarre thought on the death of Mickey Rooney. Had she lived, Judy Garland would only be 91.

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Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial was adjourned Monday today during his testimony, after the accused track star told the judge he was exhausted and did not sleep the night before. “I feel so sorry for him,” said few men and no women.

 

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Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told a media ethics and law class in February that it would be “great” if the Star-Ledger, NJ’s largest newspaper, went out of business, adding “I’m going to do all I can to not give them a headline to keep them alive.” Uh, Ms. Hermann, you just did.

(Must say, Julie Hermann and Chris Christie might be a sparring match I’d pay to see.)

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Yep, Gary Bachman nails this one. “Phrases you won’t hear on cable news networks: FOX–”Good news for the President”; MSNBC–”Bad news for the President”; CNN–”In other news.””

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Timberwolves forward Dante Cunningham. arrested last week for alleged domestic violence towards his live-in girlfriend, was arrested again just three days later for sending her threatening messages that police said “rose to a terroristic level.’ If true, will the charges have an enhancement for criminal stupidity?

 

 

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If you haven’t seen the Aquinas college April Fool’s joke, this is two minutes well worth taking.  Who says today’s youth isn’t creative?

 

Can you hear me now?

April 7, 2014

So in the cellphone – wifi  -texting era, can someone explain to me why the “call to the bullpen” still takes place with a landline?

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We’ll find out Monday night if Kentucky can win their 9th NCAA men’s basketball championship. And presumably we’ll know sometime in the next year if coach John Calipari will have his third Final Four season vacated.

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Newt Gingrich, praising the Supreme Court’s lifting of donation limits, said today that even more deregulation is necessary to “overnight, equalize the middle class and the rich.” Right. Of course, Gingrich thinks he himself is just a middle class millionaire.

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Johnny Manziel’s next pre-draft visit will be to the Raiders. With all the ways the young man is setting himself up for a fall, would any of them be more damaging in the end than being a first round pick in Oakland?

 

R.I.P Mickey Rooney, age 93. A long and impressive life, lived mostly in the public eye. And to the younger generation, no, he wasn’t that old guy your parents watched on 60 Minutes.

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The latest on CNN “Did plane dodge Indonesian radar?” Folks at the network just have to be hoping that if and when they find MH370, some cruise ship goes adrift again to give them something to cover.

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Is it just me or is Facebook’s news feed getting skinnier than a super model?

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While the Knicks made it close for a while, they lost to the Heat 102-91. Ah, the potential heartbreak if this valiant 33-45 team just misses the NBA playoffs…

 

A charity hockey game was suspended Sunday in NY when players from the NYPD and the FDNY got into a bench-clearing brawl with one another. The real bummer, had the event been marketed as a brawl, attendance (and charity $$ would have probably doubled.

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At LA’s Staples Center tonight, the Clippers beat the Lakers 120-97, for their third win in four meetings this season. Wow. So how’d the Lakers manage to win that one game?

College, we hardly knew ye

April 6, 2014

Anyone but me having problems with Kentucky players talking about how they really came together as a team during this intense four month bonding process?

 

Heck, there are celebrity mistake marriages that stay together longer than this Wildcats “team.”-

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Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari says he wants to replace “one and done” with “Succeed and Proceed.” Really? “Succeed and Proceed?” Some of his “one and dones” can’t even spell it.

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Maybe Calipari would do better to refer to his freshmen leaving for the NBA as a “conscious uncoupling?”

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It’s a dated joke but someone had to do it. The March Madness semi-final  Wisconsin Kentucky game hads more runs than a cheap pair of pantyhose.

(younger readers seeing “pantyhose,” it’s okay, you can Google it.)

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All these references to “North Texas.” Maybe it’s because those sitting in the upper levels of Cowboys stadium feel like they’re watching from the North Pole?

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Postgame chat with UConn’s star guard ends with “Shabazz Napier has helped his team get to a better place.” Because of course it’s the “Get to a better place, State Farm” sponsored interview. Can’t imagine, again, how these kids get the idea it’s all about money.

 

So with senior laden #Florida and #Wisconsin teams both losing #NCAA basketball’s status as 1 year NBA D-League is cemented.

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No alleged recruiting or other violations yet but John Calipari could be going for the permanent world record of vacated Final Four appearances.

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Yasiel Puig was in the Dodgers lineup Saturday, having made it to the park on time. I see a great potential endorsement deal ahead with Uber.

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The NBA has suspended Bucks center Larry Sanders, who is an advocate for marijuana legalization, five games for using pot. Wonder what Sanders can do with all that free time?

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The driver who put a Chicago subway train up an escalator at O’Hare airport has been fired. Well, this will simplify the answer to “Why did you leave your last job?”

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The Chinese say they have again detected a pulse in the search for MH 370. Well, that’s more than most folks do on an average day with Larry King.

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Isn’t it time that CNN replace the “Breaking News. The search for Flight 370″ banner, with “The Latest Speculation. The search for 370″?

 

 

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From my friend Jim Barach.  “180,000 eggs were stolen from a truck in Florida. Police are now posting armed guards around the clock at the home of the Miami officer who recently arrested Justin Bieber.”

Rough opening days and open mouths?

April 5, 2014

CBS analyst and radio host Boomer Esiason has apologized to the Mets’ Daniel Murphy and his wife, for saying they should have scheduled a C-section before the season started, calling it “a flippant and insensitive remark that I sincerely regret.” Translation, “Oops, forgot women watch and listen to sports too. And I really really would like to keep my jobs here.”

 

The Mariners As game tonight was postponed due to soggy field conditions after recent rains. Well, considering the Coliseum’s recent sewage problems, have to figure players have to feel lucky the sogginess was only water.

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The SF Giants have scored more runs than any team in MLB as of today. And if you say “Just as I predicted,” you must be really good at Liar’s Dice.

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Maybe the Giants should have brought in Barry Bonds as a special hitting instructor sooner?

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And really, how amazing is this SF Giants’  team? Takes serious work to win a game 8-4 and be no-hit for the last seven innings. #SFGiants

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On the other side, Yasiel Puig was benched for the LA Dodgers home opener against the SF Giants because he showed up late for batting practice. On a brighter note for Dodgers fans, at least Puig didn’t get arrested for speeding while trying to be on time.

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James Franco, 35, says he’s “embarrassed” about his revealed conversations with a 17 yr old girl on Instagram, and added “I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky.” Uh, no, you’re just a model of being a celebrity male douchebag who’s old enough to know not to hit on teenagers.

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“Money can’t buy me love” dept.. The Dodgers signed a huge $$$ deal with Time Warner. And for now only people with TW cable can see Dodgers games. Which is about 30% of households in the Los Angeles area.

 

Sounds like the latest Fort Hood shooter was ultimately stopped by a female member of the military police. So maybe the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good gal with a gun?

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Tyson recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. So did the people who purchased nuggets expected them to be large pieces of plastic?

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Oklahoma and Texas have announced their annual college football game, which has been known as “The Red River Rivalry” will now be referred to as the “AT&T Red River Showdown.” But heaven help any players who try to sell any memorabilia from the inaugural “showdown.”

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Really, CNN, really? Today’s MH 370 headline is about plane spotters who took pictures of the plane before it disappeared, one even as recently as “a few months ago.” 

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Okay, I’m a Democrat. But regarding emails to sign petitions for stuff like ‘Send Paul Ryan a message saying you reject his budget.” Does anyone think Paul Ryan gives a rat’s a** what Democrats think of his budget?

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George W. Bush now tells a story of Putin dissing his beloved Scottish Terrier, Barney – “‘You call it a dog?’” And then when W. and Laura visited Russia, Vladimir introduces his “huge hound, obviously much bigger than a Scottish terrier, looks at me and says,’‘Bigger, stronger and faster than Barney.’” What happened to “I looked into his eyes and saw his soul?”

Not the Onion.

April 3, 2014

British celebrity chef Nigella Lawson was reportedly barred from getting on a flight from London to Los Angeles because of her admitted past cocaine use. What, Hollywood had already hit their monthly quota of celebrity drug users?

 

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson apparently can’t enter the U.S because of her recent history with cocaine.. On a brighter note, figure there’s a good chance she’ll get a personal invitation from the Mayor to visit Toronto, Canada.

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In the first inning of today’s game in Pittsburgh, Chicago Cubs OF Junior Lake wore the wrong road jersey. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him $20,000.

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Tim Hudson, 38, had such a good first start for the SF Giants last night, he may ask his younger teammates in the clubhouse today if he can play music from some of his favorite 8-tracks.

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Cavemen awards for the week: On talk radio Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa criticized NY Mets’ second baseman Daniel Murphy’s decision to miss the first two games of the season to be with his wife for the birth of the couple’s first child. Besides, the Mets are now 0-3. Maybe they should be criticizing the players who have shown up all three games.

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Former DWTS host Brooke Burke-Charvet tweeted that she was okay after crashing her Maserati. And millions of men were thinking “Fine, but how’s the Maserati?”

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 In South Carolina, the Columbian Mammoth is finally close to being named the state fossil, after the bill stalled when a GOP Senator added two verses from the book of Genesis. The bill then passed with a compromise amendment saying the mammoth was “created on the sixth day along with the beasts of the field.” Suppose we can take it as a good sign that South Carolina actually acknowledges the existence of fossils?

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This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “Forgetting to set the clock for Daylight Saving Time may have caused a car bomber in Dublin to blow himself up. He learned the hard way about what it is like to really spring forward.”
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David Letterman has announced his retirement in 2015. Will he be replaced for ten months by Conan O’Brien?

 

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Mississippi’s governor signed the Mississippi Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which becomes law July 1. The bill says government cannot put a substantial burden on the practice of religion. So if a Muslim wants to open a store and insist all women who work and shop there wear hijabs, guess that’s going to be okay now.

 

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CNN headline today says there is a “‘Big’” announcement coming” Friday in the Malaysian Airlines plane search. Stand by for regular updates on how many hours away we are from the big announcement.

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Charles Koch said he is politically involved because he wants a “free society.”   “The central belief and fatal conceit of the current administration is that you are incapable of running your own life, but those in power are capable of running it for you.” I guess this makes sense if you believe corporations are people, but women aren’t.

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Johnny Manziel now also wants to trademark “The House That Johnny Built.” Even Richard Sherman is thinking, “Man, this kid is cocky.”

 

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Fort Hood’s commanding general on the shooter: “We have very strong evidence that he had a medical history that indicates an unstable psychiatric or psychological condition… We believe that to be the fundamental underlying causal factor.” Uh, and how about the fact that with his history this guy had easy legal access to a gun?

Budget solution?

April 3, 2014

An idea after the latest Supreme Court decision abolishing individual limits on giving to campaigns. Since the idea with all this money is to buy politicians, why can’t states start charging sales tax on donations?

 

 

Two straight wins to open the season for the Houston Astros. How long until Mayor De Blasio gets blamed for the NY Yankees?

 

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The Phillies’ Ben Revere now owns the MLB record for 1,410 career plate appearances without a single home run. But he’s still two away from passing Duane Kuiper.

 

 

Stay classy, Arizona. Some SF fans rented the box behind home plate at last night’s Giants-D’backs game. Rather than having them show up in orange and black on TV, the Diamondbacks moved them all another box behind the dugout. Kind of makes you want some group to rent the pool, come in wearing nondescript clothes, then put on TONS of Giants stuff in the 1st inning,

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The Diamondbacks also apparently can’t keep their new $25 corn dog, dubbed the “D’bat” in stock at their concession stands. The 18 inch hot dog filled with cheddar and jalapeno, then wrapped in bacon, battered and deep fried.  And it’s been a huge seller.  Upon reading this at least 100 cardiologists made plans to move to Arizona.

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Alabama RB Altee Tenpenny has been charged with marijuana possession. Am sure coach Nick Saban will come up with some stern punishment like making Tenpenny sit through three quarters of the Tide’s game against Florida Atlantic.

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A couple will stand trial for an alleged unspecified sex act aboard an Air Canada plane this January. That’s Canada. In the U.S. the airline would probably have levied an inflight entertainment charge.

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Former S & L executive and convicted felon Charles Keating has died at 90. Suppose it would make sense for taxpayers to pay for his funeral, heck, we’ve already covered over $3 billion for his financial house of cards.

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Breaking television news “A microclimate weather alert” with rainstorms in Northern California. Rainstorms. And back east they are just giggling.

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Vladimir Putin has divorced his wife. Last year Russian leader said “It was a joint decision: we hardly see each other, each of us has our own life.” Responded Bill Clinton “And your point is?”

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These instant replay reviews are taking 2-3 minutes. Meaning that each of them takes almost as long as Mike Hargrove’s or Nomar Garciaparra’s batting box routines.

 

 

Mississippi just passed a new “religious freedom” law, similar to the one vetoed by Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona, that would allow hotels, restaurants and pharmacies to refuse to serve gays. Guess the state doesn’t think they have enough tourist business to threaten.

 

 

 


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