Posted tagged ‘healthcare jokes’

So many questions…

December 16, 2012

It is possible that we who are in favor of gun control have it wrong as far as stopping mass killings. Maybe we should be looking at regulating young white men.

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Would those who consider the Second Amendment as literal gospel be willing to consider a government program whereby automatic weapons would be turned in and exchanged for muskets?

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A Bushmaster .223  Semiautomatic Rifle with a 30-round magazine…. So who exactly needs one for self-defense or hunting?

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No comment, – apparently the Sandy Hook shooter’s mother thought she needed the guns for self-defense.

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Back to distraction…

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So who’s enjoying the Los Angeles Lakers’ woeful start more.  Former coach Mike Brown,  or fans of Dwight Howard’s former team, the Orlando Magic?

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Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government because he objects to the requirement mandating contraception coverage in his company’s healthcare plan. Wonder how other employers feel about covering health related issues resulting from eating Domino’s Pizza.

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N. Joseph Woodland, the inventor of the bar code, has died at the age of 91. Can we assume that at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter will soon be updating that clipboard?

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Two college bowls down. Thirty-three to go. Once again, the holidays are are about pacing yourself…

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December 15   started Capital One Bowl Week, which runs until January 7. And they wonder why many football players are bad at math.

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The SF Giants won the World Series, Stanford’s going to the Rose Bowl, the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, and even the Golden State Warriors are winning. Anyone checked the Northern California water supply for PEDs?

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Nothing to make you feel old like having Saturday Night Live announce a future musical guest and you not only don’t like their music, you have no idea who the act is.

 

The Toronto Raptors’ Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are “pretty much the worst team in the NBA.” Responded the Washington Wizards: “Who are we, chopped liver?”

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This just in…

June 29, 2012

Justice John Roberts just updated his relationship status with the Republican party to “It’s complicated.”

Days like today really make me miss Molly Ivins.

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On an actual  rare  serious note  – Maybe this mattered, maybe it didn’t. But Chief Justice John Roberts has had at least two “grand mal” seizures. If he were a private citizen without employer-paid benefits, without Obamacare Roberts would have a very hard if not impossible time obtaining health insurance.

 

Patrick Gaspard, the Democratic National Committee executive director, stirred up things this morning with his tweet “It’s constitutional. Bitches.” Well, at least he didn’t say “Vagina.”

 

 

Well on some level we’re even. Europeans can’t understand why Americans make such a big deal about healthcare, and Americans can’t understand why Europeans make such a big deal about the Euro Cup.

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Wonder if some of the people screaming about the healthcare decision also think we should revoke mandatory car insurance.

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From Mitt Romney’s website: “As president, Mitt will nominate judges in the mold of Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito.”

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Hillary Clinton just visited her 100th country as Secretary of State; she has spent 337 days on the road since she took the job. No wonder Bill Clinton has been supportive of President Obama lately.

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Blackberry maker RIM has announced they will layoff 5,000 employees and delay their newest operating system. Wonder how many people read the news on their iPhones.

 

David Beckham, 37, has apparently been left off the British soccer team for the London Olympics. Maybe they got tired of him yelling at his teammates “You punks get off my field.”

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The ex-mistress of  Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson was arrested for trying to extort money by threatening to reveal naked pictures he had sent her. Besides being a coach, Jackson is also a pastor and founded a church (True Love Worship Center International). Well, at least his lover was an adult woman.

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Guess there’s no problem with immigration if you can hit a curve ball….Cuban outfielder Yasiel Puig, who defected last month to Mexico, has apparently reached agreement on a seven-year, $42 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

 

Lining up to be counted??

March 24, 2010

Starbucks offered a free pastry Tuesday morning to anyone who ordered a ‘hand-crafted” drink. And stores had people waiting in lines around the block. Forget all these expensive contingency plans to get people to fill in their census forms. The government should just offer them free doughnuts.

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For all the nasty vitrol spewed by opponents of the healthcare reform, there actually would have been a kinder, gentler way to delay passage. Republicans should have just asked Joe Biden to say a few words in favor of the bill. (He’d still just be getting warmed up.)

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Possible redemption for Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire? A Virginia chiropractor is under investigation for allegedly providing steroids to members of the Washington Nationals. What more evidence do we need that steroids don’t necessarily improve your performance?

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Joe Biden seems to have upset some Republicans by referring to healthcare reform as a “f**king” big deal. Apparently he should have followed the lead of our last vice-president and used the word as a verb.

(In case anyone forgets, Dick Cheney suggested to Vermont senator Patrick Leahy that he attempt an anatomically impossible act.)

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Apparently for the newest “Pirates of the Caribbean”, Disney has asked that only aspiring actresses with “real breasts, not implants” apply for the roles. Auditions will be held in Los Angeles whenever both candidates can make it.

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Zydrunas Ilgauskas has signed a deal that will again have him playing center for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Just when those poor midwest sportscasters and copy editors had finally gotten comfortable with “Faroukmanesh.”
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Andy Borowitz said that Google claimed one of the last straws in their decision to pull out of China was the way the Chinese censors turned a request for “human rights” into “did you mean hunan rice.” But hey, anyone could make that mistake,” said former President George W. Bush.

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Brett Yormark, the CEO of the truly awful New Jersey Nets, apparently was seen arguing with a fan who attended a home game with a paper bag over his head. Guess the fan wouldn’t share his bag.

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from my funny friend Neil Berliner:

A poll says that 50% of New Yorkers favor the legalization of medical marijuana and 41% oppose. One gentleman in the other 9% asked to have the question repeated twice and then replied, “Hey bud, which way is the Fillmore East at?”

Go Cardinal…

March 12, 2010

Actually, for the men’s basketball team most of this year it’s been “Go, please go. Far away.” But they have moments…like tonight.

Stanford men’s basketball team, 13-17, faced ASU, 22-9 in the opening game of the Pac 10 tournament, after having been swept by the Sun Devils in the regular season. And the Cardinal won easily 70-61. Two more wins and Stanford gets an NCAA automatic bid. If so, start investing in ski resorts in Hell.

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The “Big Game” between Stanford and Cal-Berkeley has been changed this year from December 4, to November 20, because it conflicted with Stanford’s final exam schedule. Stanford football players said they were relieved. Cal players asked “what are final exams?”

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The San Francisco Giants have gotten off to a 7-1 start this spring. Unfortunately, these Cactus League games are meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season.

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While he mulls over long-term options, Conan O’Brien has announced that 30 city stage tour starting in April. The show will be titled “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television.” But hasn’t that phrase already been copyrighted by Saturday Night Live?
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From Bill Littlejohn: With Robert DeNiro playing Vince Lombardi in an ESPN film, you can bet the Packers had a dangerous taxi squad.

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Now that SF Mayor Gavin Newsom has decided – surprise- that he will run for Lieutenant Governor, there is word that one of his harshest critics amongst city supervisors, Chris Daly, may endorse him. Should we be surprised? Daly would do more than that to get Newsom out of San Francisco.
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A conservative small town in Mississippi has cancelled their senior prom, rather than allow one student to attend with her same sex date. Which is a shame on many levels, because with the town’s anti-sex education stance, the girls would at least have meant one couple had no risk of a prom-night pregnancy.

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Commie pinko time.

Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid’s wife and daughter were hospitalized with serious injuries after a car accident. Fortunately the injuries were not life-threatening. Even more fortunately, they have health insurance.

Cellphones and other hazards.

December 21, 2009

Maine may be the first state to pass a law saying that cellphone use may be hazardous to your health. In related news, after the Tiger Woods case, Florida may pass a law saying texting may be hazardous to your marriage.

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The Senate finally took the first vote towards passing healthcare reform, despite a winter storm that basically shut down the city, and required some senators to fly in on government planes for the vote. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for some opponents to say they would pass healthcare reform when Hell froze over.

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Despite the fact that healthcare reform has been debated in Congress since March, and by presidents off an on since Truman, Maine Senator Olympia Snowe said she will vote against the bill because it was “rushed.” and that the “process denies us the opportunity to thoroughly and carefully and deliberately evaluate what’s at stake.”

Her comments won’t win her any friends in the Democratic party. But she might get a campaign donation from Brett Favre.

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Democrats are celebrating what now looks like sure passage of the healthcare bill. Republicans are saying it might be the biggest mistake in Washington in recent memory, or at least since Dan Snyder was allowed to purchase the Redskins.
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After this weekend, three of the 34 college football bowl games are over. And if you can name the winners of all three, you probably have too much time on your hands.

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“Up in the Air” is already a favorite for “Best Picture,” and as a travel agent I can say that a surprising number of the details about frequent flier miles and travel are accurate. But not all of them. Without giving anything important about the movie away I can say without a doubt that the movie’s biggest “fantasy” is that there might actually be empty seats next to someone sitting in first class.

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So the prodigal quarterback (and potentially Oakland’s most expensive mistake ever), comes off the bench because there was literally no one else left. And he leads the Raiders to an improbable last-minute comeback. If this were a script it would be panned as too farfetched.

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And meanwhile in Charlotte, Brett Favre was unable to lead the Vikings to a comeback win over the Carolina Panthers. But let’s be fair, it was the Sunday night game. Which means the fourth quarter was way past his bedtime.

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The Panthers sacked Favre four times, and intercepted him once. Good thing the game wasn’t in Minnesota. Some of the Carolina Panthers could have been arrested for elder abuse.


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