Posted tagged ‘Groundhog Day jokes’

If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

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Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

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Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

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It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

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Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

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Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

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A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

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At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

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There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

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MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

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Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

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It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

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The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

The Shadow Knows?

February 2, 2013

So I’m a bit confused, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, does that mean we’re in for six more weeks of Super Bowl hype?

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Although really, aren’t the two weeks between the AFC-NFC championship and the Super Bowl just a media version of “Groundhog Day?”

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A terrified and disoriented coyote found wandering San Francisco’s Mission District is apparently recovering at a local wildlife center. City officials are warning people again not to trust ACME products.

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Get out the hankies and violins: Lebron James, talking about taking only $17.5 million from the Heat to help Miami stay under the cap. “Financially, I’ll sacrifice for the team. It shows for some of the top guys, it isn’t all about money.” Forbes estimates James earns $40 million per year in endorsements and sponsorships.

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Harvard University said that 60 students, including some athletes, were suspended over a cheating scandal involving a take-home exam. In the SEC football players are asking “What’s an exam?”

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In one of their upcoming Super Bowl Budweiser commercials, Anheuser-Busch plans to use a one week old Clydesdale foal. Even the Chinese say “that’s putting them to work a bit young.”

(open note to readers, dare you to watch that commercial without tearing up, seriously.)

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A line from one of the speeches made about Hillary Clinton on her last day as Secretary of State: “John Kerry has some very large Manolo Blahniks to fill.” Women responded “Hillary wears Manolo Blahniks?” And men responded “What the heck ARE Manolo Blahniks?”

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Uh, maybe he could have chosen different words: Tenn. State Senator Stacey Campfield says he wishes the gay community would just leave the straight people alone … saying, “We don’t wanna hear about it every day … quit trying to ram it down everybody’s throats …

 

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The Dow closed over 14,000 today. And down in La Jolla, Mitt Romney is looking at his portfolio and thinking “Hmm, maybe Ann and I should have voted for Obama.”

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Not sure it was in the best sportsmanship how San Francisco came up with a motto for this Super Bowl” “The Forty Niners. We know nobody on our team killed anybody.”
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R.I.P. Ed Koch. How can you not love a man who referred to Donald Trump as “piggy?”

Happy Groundhog Day

February 2, 2012

Punxsutawney Phil woke up early this morning, saw Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney going at it, and immediately buried himself back in his burrow.

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Actually Phil reportedly was a Donald Trump supporter. The groundhog believes that furry thing that lives on the Donald’s head just might be a relative.

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Susan G. Komen for the Cure just cut all its funding to Planned Parenthood for breast health screenings, after pressure from anti-choice groups. Maybe they should change the color of their pink ribbon to yellow.

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February 1 was “National Signing Day.” (When high school players formally commit to colleges for football.) I think ESPN has created more days and events than Hallmark.

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Tackle Andrus Peat, a “five-star recruit”, today decided on Stanford over previously favored Nebraska. Cardinal coach David Shaw said his and his staff’s reaction “was heard many places around the building.” One would guess the reaction in Lincoln, NE was also heard in many places….

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A new bill, introduced by Florida Rep. State Sen. Michael Bennett tries to enforce a unused 1988 law that says any sports teams that accept public dollars to build their stadiums must shelter poor people on off nights. Off nights? The Tampa Bay Rays have space when they are playing.

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A bronze replica of Ted Williams is being moved from Fenway Park down to the Red Sox Spring Training facility in Florida? No confirmation of rumors that to save shipping costs the team was originally planning just to move Ted’s head.

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Rumor has it that Donald Trump will endorse Newt Gingrich tomorrow. Makes some sense. How often does Trump get to stand on a stage with someone who makes him look like a good husband with a healthy ego?

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Awful story out of Egypt with over 70 people killed at a soccer match. Americans are stunned. They can’t imagine 70 people showing up to watch soccer.

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MSN wonders about the effect of what they call Romney’s “gaffe”: “I’m not concerned about the very poor” will have in the election. “Gaffe?” Might be one of the most honest sentences he’s ever spoken.

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NY Giants DE Osi Umenyiora was fined $20,000 on Wednesday for skipping a mandatory media session at the Super Bowl. $20,000? A lot of NFL players may just start considering this a tax for an extra hour or two of freedom.

(As my friend Blll Dwan says, considering that this fine is about double that of a helmet-to-helmet hit, the incident does point up the NFL’s priorities.)

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Mitt Romney on Wednesday during a CNN interview that he’s “not concerned about the very poor” because they have an “ample safety net” (Either that or they can’t afford to get to the polls.)

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Many pundits are saying that Romney’s win in Florida will give him the nomination. Really, that much importance for a state where most of the residents can’t even figure out when to turn their left-turn blinkers on and off?

Statement from the Susan G. Komen Foundation: “We regret that these new policies have impacted some longstanding grantees, such as Planned Parenthood, but want to be absolutely clear that our grant-making decisions are not about politics.” I think I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.


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