Posted tagged ‘football jokes’

I’ll be watching you…maybe.

July 23, 2014

So there were NYPD officers working graveyard shifts in four marked cars at the Brooklyn Bridge while the lights were dimmed and white flags were raised Monday night. None of them noticed anything. And the NY Daily news quotes a police source as saying none of them will be disciplined. Well, not like anything really bad could have happened…

 

 

A man claims he was kicked off a Southwest flight in Denver after he tweeted a complaint over a gate agent not allowing his daughters to board early with him. He claims he won’t fly the airline again. Well, and hey, why not, when he can take advantage of the great customer service at Denver from United….

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Mark McGwire says of Jose Canseco. “I don’t care to ever speak to him again.” Well, of course not, Canseco’s in the past.

 

St. Louis CF John Jay tonight struck out on a 4-2 count. That’s bad. What’s worse, no one in the Cardinals dugout, including the manager, noticed it. #whoneedsmath?

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18 runs given up in two days?  All of a sudden #Dodgers pitching is looking like maybe Josh Beckett’s been bringing beer and chicken back into the Clubhouse #sfgiants

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Cameron Maybin has been suspended for 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines. But come on, it’s the San Diego Padres. Couldn’t Maybin have used the excuse he needed the drugs to stay awake?

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Wednesday Alabama coach Nick Saban talked about his team’s loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and said it was a challenge to “try to play in a consolation game.” Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of college football players as egotistical babies.

(Also, for the uninitiated, please note. The Sugar Bowl, with a $17 million per team payout, is not a consolation game. Now, the “AdvoCare V100 Bowl” just might be a consolation game….)

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Eagles tackle Lane Johnson is the latest NFL player suspended four games for PED’s. Johnson said in a statement he “mistakenly and foolishly” took a prescription drug in April and failed to clear it with the Eagles’ athletic trainers or check the banned substance list. Just once would be nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, I was cheating and got busted.”

 

Another thought about all these NFL players who plead ignorance when they get caught for PED’s. Wouldn’t you think if they were smart enough to read their playbooks, they’d be smart enough to read the the rules and their drug labels?

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‘What if I decide to run?': Michele Bachmann saying she might try for Presidency again in 2016. Comedy writers: “Thank you Jesus.”

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You have been warned.  From Alex Kaseberg.  “‘Comic Con’ begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.”

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So what does Rick Perry have against all these kids? The Texas governor doesn’t want more people in America who can embarrass him by counting to three?

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California’s teen birthrate has fallen 63% since 1990, the biggest drop of any state in the country. Instead of “Abstinence Only” education, California has chosen comprehensive sex education, and increased access for teens to contraceptives. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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From T.C.  ” The #1 selling NFL jersey today is Johnny Manziel. Sitting at #5 is Michael Sam. Neither one of them has yet to play a down in the league. That should be enough to bring Brett Favre out of retirement again.”

College prep?

March 7, 2014

In Atlanta, an investigation discovered that parents of 14 of the 58 players on the highly-ranked Grady High School football team had used faked addresses to enroll at the school. Sounds like the parents are preparing their sons well for the honorable world of college football….

(And maybe the parents all wanted their sons to play at SEC schools?)

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The Miami Marlins were reportedly upset that Boston sent a mostly minor-league lineup “organizational filler in Red Sox batting practice jerseys” to a spring training game today. “Organizational filler in jerseys.” Doesn’t that basically describe the 2013 Marlins? (Who won all of 62 games.)

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Class, nothing but class. All around. An Ohio woman, upset when she found out her husband was having an affair with a Walmart employee, went to that Walmart, and posted numerous photos throughout the store of them having sex , with the caption “Hide your Husbands.”

(and have to wonder, how many Walmart shoppers tried to buy the pictures?)

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Jon Stewart on the new GOP love affair with Putin because he’s a leader. “‘Makes a quick decision and everybody reacts.’ That’s not what you call a leader, that’s what you call a toddler.”

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The #Philadelphia76ers have lost 15 games in a row. This could affect their seeding in the NCAA tournament. #MarchMadness

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Adrian Peterson wants Minnesota to sign free agent QB Michael Vick. So will the media start secret polls to see if Viking players would be comfortable with a dog-killer in their locker room?

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Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets are 7-3 in their last 10 games.  And on a four game win streak.  Now Jason Collins isn’t playing that much….but if he’s affecting the locker room, a whole lot more teams will be wanting to sign gay players.

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The Miami Heat lost 111-87 to the San Antonio Spurs tonight, and LeBron James partly blamed his short-sleeve jersey for his 6-18 shooting night. Right then, if LeBron wasn’t bothered by his jersey and hit 100% of this shots, the Heat would have… tied?!

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Manny Ramirez has set up his own training camp near Miami, and hopes that some team gives him a call ”If it is God’s will, I could play in MLB this season.” It could happen, particularly if God loves comedy writers.

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In Georgia lawmakers are considering a bill that would allow guns in Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Well, that’s one way to deal with overhead bin hogs.

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Tony Hawk apologized to fans who thought a viral video showing him flying on a hoverboard was real. (The pro-skateboarder was actually using a movie stunt harness.) What’s next? Hawk signing a contract to promote Amazon’s drone delivery?

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Entitlement karma in action in Los Altos, California.  Chevy Tahoe parked in a “compact car” space, unable to open driver’s side door due to a large Mercedes SUV parked right next to them, also in a “compact car” space….

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At Oscar Pistorius’s trial in South Africa, a defense witness said he found the track star crying over his girlfriend’s body and praying for her to live. A sign of innocence, or a sign that Pistorius had calmed down after shooting the young woman and was already regretting it?

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The Washington D.C. City Council Legislation voted last night to decriminalize marijuana. Could put a whole new meaning on bringing cases before the high court.

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From Marc Ragovin:  “Kiki Dee turned 67 on Thursday. That explains her new hit: “DOn’t Go Breaking My Hip.” (more…)

One man out.

February 10, 2014

Moron of the day award goes to the unnamed NFL player personnel assistant who said about Michael Sam’s coming out. “It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.” Right. Like a Missouri team that was 5-7 in 2012 was “chemically imbalanced” in 2013 enough to finish the year 10-2.

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Good for Michael Sam. Of course must be honest. Personally probably have less prejudice against a gay player than a player from the SEC.

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More kudos. To Michael Sam’s Missouri teammates. Sounds like they were supportive but whatever their feelings, none of them let anything slip to the media. #teamwork

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In honor of #MichaelSam will an Olympic male figure skater come out as straight?

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Russian speedskater Olga Graf won a bronze in the 3000 metres. Exhausted, hot and excited after her race, she unzipped her suit down to her waist – forgetting she didn’t have anything on underneath. Graf quickly rezipped the suit before she completely flashed the crowd. But have to think ratings may go up for her next race.

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Another Gold for the US in slopeside. It’s sort of like the World Cup, where most Americans will decide to care about the sport for a millesecond. Except that this time we are winning.

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Nothing against team ice skating. But can someone explain to me how it serves any purpose at all other than increasing Olympic television ratings?

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Oklahoma State basketball star Marcus Smart shoved a fan courtside who allegedly called him a racial slur. Smart, 19, has had off court issues and probably needs at least some anger management counseling. But he’s a teenager. Thinking a middle aged white guy should know better. Just because we have free speech doesn’t mean you have to be an a**hole.

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Nice to know the US doesn’t have a monopoly on hypocrisy. Mark Harper, British immigration minister, was behind a “go home’ campaign for illegal immigrants last year. He resigned after he allegedly just learned his housekeeper didn’t have papers to be in the country.

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V.P. Joe Biden recently compared La Guardia airport to what one might find “in a third world country.” Prompting demands for an apology – from third world countries.

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When your first plane pulls in 10 minutes early, you are one of first people off, walk quickly without a stop to your connecting flight and boarding is almost finished, United just MIGHT be over optimistic on their minimum connecting time. #notsofriendly

Column enhancing drugs?

January 8, 2014

Really? Ken Gurnick of MLB.com says he did not vote for Greg Maddux on the Hall of Fame ballot, because he’s excluding everyone from the steroid era. So Gurnick thinks it’s potential PED’s that got Maddux’s stuff to break 80 mph?

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Just wondering how many of these holier-than-thou sportswriters have ever used anything illegal when they were on deadline?

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Ratings for the Packers-49ers game were the highest ever for a NFL wild card game, presumably because viewers are fascinated to watch players in cold weather. Well, heck, forget the Super Bowl in somewhere “moderate” like New York, put it in Regina, Saskatchewan (where the Canadian Grey Cup was played.) Lowest temperature this weekend with wind chill, -53C.

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Brent Musberger introduced himself last night as Kirk Herbstreit. Apparently reading the wrong cue card. Well, for those who worry Musberger is getting too old… at least he can still read.

 

While A.J. McCarron seems like a polite young man, his mother posted this tweet during Jameis Winston’s post BCS championship news conference- “Am I listening to English?” Guessing mom hasn’t spent a lot of time hanging around her son’s teammates.

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Wonder how long it will take before someone adopts #polarvortex as their stripper name?

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Over 500 travelers ended up stranded last night on Amtrak trains stuck in the snow near Chicago. If this had happened with a major U.S. airline, they’d all have been charged a sleeper surcharge.

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A new study from Boston Children’s Hospital concluded that student athletes should avoid both sports activity and schoolwork after head injuries.  Responded many football players “schoolwork?”

From Jim Barach on the same subject “A study says that student athletes need to take a break from school after getting a concussion. Isn’t taking a break from school work the whole point of becoming a student athlete in the first place?”

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Mountain Dew flavored Cheetos are now available in Japan. Actually, they should sell the snacks in Colorado and Washington, because I’m guessing you need to be really stoned before those sound good.

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Rumor has it that Lane Kiffin will become Nick Saban’s new offensive coordinator. As if we didn’t have enough reasons to hate Alabama.

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So much for the mystery of how he was stupid enough to get caught in the first place: A man escaped from a minimum security prison in Kentucky on Sunday, just before the coldest day of the year, with no money or outerwear. On Monday, with the temperature near 0, and wind chill -20, he asked a motel clerk to call the police so he could turn himself in.

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers are fighting to get his pension back (which his wife could then use), under the arguments that the law requiring sexual abusers to forfeit pensions was enacted after he was hired, and besides, the former coach was technically “retired” at the time of his crimes. Isn’t there any way to put this guy in prison general population?

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Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant Emily Maynard is now engaged for the fourth time. (To be fair, her first fiance died.) And millions of men across America find this as interesting as some of their wives find the BCS standings.

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One of the more amusing things, (and yes, I find the Batchelor/Bachelorette shows amusing in small doses) about the initial episode is these women sobbing about how they knew it was right, and they were so invested in “the journey”, and they knew the guy about 10 minutes.

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Billionaire Longhorns Red McCombs called the hiring of Louisville head coach Charlie Strong a “kick in the face. Adding I don’t have any doubt that Charlie is a fine coach. I think he would make a great position coach, maybe a coordinator. But I don’t believe (he belongs at) what should be one of three most powerful university programs in the world right now at UT-Austin.” Is McCombs angling for a guest appearance on “Duck Dynasty?”

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Decisions, decisions.

December 11, 2013

The stories out of Austin keep changing by the hour. Texas football coach Mack Brown was retiring, then he wasn’t, then he is, then he’s staying, then he’s leaving…. Even Brett Favre is impressed.

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Although the male cheerleader didn’t actually trip the player, Oklahoma State announced they will discipline the student who extended a foot as one of the Oklahoma Sooners celebrated his end-of-game touchdown. Wonder if the young man has been offered a job with the Pittsburgh Steelers?

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Paul Ryan and Patty Murray said they have reached a bipartisan budget deal, which would prevent another government shutdown. Well, this weather in DC may be inconveniencing many but seems like there are benefits to Hell freezing over.

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A missing group of 2 adults and 4 children who went off to “play in the snow” have been found alive and in “good condition” in Nevada after being lost for two days. It’s good news, but maybe next time they get this idea the family should head to a ski resort? Or a mall with a snow making machine?

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Aaron Hernandez, writing to a pen “friend” from prison. “I really enjoy my days. It’s not that bad, honestly.” Seriously? Maybe Hernandez figures it’s better than say, having been traded to the Redskins.

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Uruguay’s Congress just voted to become the first country to legalize selling and growing marijuana. Can you say a new high for the Uruguay tourist industry.

 

Apparently over 200,000 people have signed up with a Dutch company potentially to be the first settlers to colonize Mars. Though to be fair, have to wonder how many of those signups were done by folks who secretly volunteered relatives or in-laws?

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Dear Gawd. Now George Zimmerman’s girlfriend is recanting her 911 call and gun story. Saying that she both wants to drop charges and get back together with him. If the police allow this can they add a condition that the two never leave the state of Florida? Crazy might be contagious.

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Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said today he still has confidence in defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. Right, like Pat Haden said this Sept. of Monte’s son ” I’m behind Lane Kiffin 100 percent. I have great confidence in him….”

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At Nelson Mandela’s memorial President Barack Obama shook hands with Cuban President Raul Castro. Mandela would be proud. And maybe it’s an early Christmas present – Obama has given Fox News material for a week.

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So it begins. Sen. John McCain likened Obama’s handshake with Raul Castro to shaking hands with Adolf Hitler. Saying “Why would you shake hands with someone who’s keeping Americans in prison.” Uh, so exactly with how many countries would McCain advocate cutting off our relations?

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But really, all this commotion about Cuba. Americans can travel to Vietnam, Russia, China and even Iran. Not to mention a number of ridiculously repressive regimes around the world. Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about electoral votes in Florida? Besides, two words that might make even conservatives smile about a thawing in relations – Cuban cigars.

Post Turkey Stress Syndrome?

November 29, 2013

Forget Obamacare, the healthcare most Americans really need on Thanksgiving is something to monitor blood pressure and tell them when it’s time to stop arguing with their relatives.

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The Bengals-Chargers game in San Diego will be the first NFL blackout this year. Yeah, that’s the way to raise interest in a team that can’t sell out its games – make sure local fans can’t watch.

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Meanwhile in Washington D.C., even though the Giants-Redskins game at FedEx Field is a sellout, football fans are wondering, can’t the league be kind and give them a less painful network game to watch?

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Brett Favre thought he was irreplaceable to the #Packers . Turns out the QB who really was is Aaron Rodgers.

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A few days, Packers offensive lineman Josh Sitton called the Lions defensive linemen “a bunch of dirtbags or scumbags.”  And no doubt after today’s 40-10 game Detroit fans are thinking “how do we get more dirtbags and scumbags?”

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Another thing to be thankful for. Most crooks are stupid: In Arkansas, man is under arrest after he “butt-dialed” another man he was allegedly paying to have murdered. The intended victim heard the suspect say to make the killing look like an accident. He then returned to his home with police, where someone had broken in and started a gas leak….

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So with stores opening Thursday night many people were faced with a difficult choice after dinner. Leave your family to go to the mall to shop. Or ignore your family to go online to shop.

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Scientists hoped the “comet of the century”, ISON, could slingshot around the sun Thursday and be visible to the naked eye in December,. But apparently the comet has “broken up and died.” Chalk up another victim of Obamacare?

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From T.C   “A Target store in Jacksonville is giving away free Jaguars gear. A spokesperson said, What else can we to do with all this stuff that’s been returned?”

 

All this commotion about stores opening on Thanksgiving: Many Americans who were flying, stopping at gas stations, staying in hotels and eating dinner at restaurants, found it very depressing that retail employees needed to work today.

Let it be, whatever it was…

November 2, 2013

Paul McCartney, 71, says he and Yoko Ono, 80, have ended their feud. Which is either a sign of gracious maturity, or that they can’t remember why they disliked each other in the first place.

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Phrase I’d nominate for oblivion: “Keeping bowl hopes alive.” Right, because everyone plays football in hopes of that magical 6-6 season.

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Washington, D.C. is thinking of decriminalizing marijuana. Sounds good but there’s the danger of members of Congress smoking. Which might at least make them mellower but also lethargic and unable to accomplish anything… Oops, never mind.

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Ted Cruz says his father was just “making a joke” when he said President Obama should go “back to Chicago, back to Kenya” at an event last year. Maybe. Or maybe Cruz is afraid of birthers telling him he should “go back to Texas, back to Canada.”

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Despite videos surfacing that purport to show him smoking crack, Toronto mayor Rob Ford said again that he will not resign. At least until he figures out the steps to run next for mayor of Washington, D.C.

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Alabama had a bye week this Saturday. Which means the Crimson Tide has about as much a chance of losing as they do against their usual out-of-conference cupcakes.

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Apparently all 13 suspects arrested for credit card fraud at Barney’s stores this year were minorities: 10 black men, two black women, and an Asian woman. But one question, so how many white people may have committed credit card fraud, and weren’t arrested?

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While Cal made it within a touchdown in their 33-28 loss today to Arizona, the Bears, with only a win against Portland State, look poised to run the table to be 0 for the conference. On the other hand, Cal does look to be in the lead for the “Pac 12 team most likely to be offered $1 million to play Alabama.”

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The FCC is working on a proposal to require all NFL games to be shown in their teams’ home markets, even when the games don’t sell out. And football fans in Tampa and Jacksonville are crying – “Haven’t we suffered enough?”


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