Posted tagged ‘football jokes’

Up in arms?

November 7, 2015

So it’s headline news because “dozens of demonstrators in NYC are protesting NBC’s decision to allow Donald Trump to host SNL? “Dozens?” In California you can get more protesters in most towns over adding a single extra bike lane.

Donald Trump says he has nixed some of the more “risque” skits tonight in SNL because he wants to stay ahead in Iowa. So the state and their “family values” matters that much to him? What next, will the Donald get a couple of his wives to campaign for him there?

Ben Carson “Without Fox News we’d be Cuba.” Waiting for his first fellow GOP candidate to say “Well, without the cigars.”

Waiting for today’s crazy statement and thinking  – maybe Ben Carson is just really tired of running for President?

In Australia, paramedics reportedly no longer ask patients who the prime minister is, because since not enough people know the question doesn’t work for an accurate assessment of patients.
Well, in the U.S. they probably already know not to ask the name of say, the Vice President or a state’s senators.

(or in some states,” how many fingers do you see?”)

Charlie Hebdo is now being criticized by Russia and others for cartoons about the crash of the Russian plane in Egypt. Uh, yeah, it’s a tasteless thing to joke about – tasteless is what Charlie Hebdo does. They are surprised why?

Ben Zobrist just named his new baby girl “Blaise Royal.” Hmm, probably a good idea Zobrist didn’t get traded to the Mets, Dodgers or Giants.

For your weekend, or next weekend’s  – tailgating edification  – the quote of the day -“the benefits arising from the moderate use of strong Liquor have been experienced by all armies, and are not to be disputed.” General George Washington

Students at an off-campus apartment near the University of Alabama have hung a banner before today’s game with LSU. “Finish What Katrina Started.” ‪#‎stayclassy‬

Kobe Bryant, 37, says he is never playing for another team “I’m a Laker for life/” Well, at this point, as if any other team would want him.

Your warm and fuzzy story for the day. Three SFO security screeners were arrested on charges of defrauding the government and smuggling cocaine, allegedly allowing “certain passengers with narcotics in their carry-ons to pass through the X-ray machine without checking for security threats like explosives or weapons.
All three workers were contract workers of a private company named Covenant Aviation Security that contracts with TSA to provide screeners. But hey, they reduce costs. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

Visiting the east coast, staying up out of curiosity to see Trump on SNL,… It’s almost time for the show to start, and the AZ-USC game is heading to the 2nd quarter.  And we wonder why Pac 12 teams get no love/respect?

From Bill Littlejohn: “Vernon Davis was traded by the 49ers to the Broncos.That must be like going from being dumped by Lindsay Lohan and rebounding with Jennifer Lawrence.”

$unny day.

August 13, 2015

Sesame Street is moving to HBO. So the show will now be brought to you by the letter $.

The outlet mall in Livermore, California is expanding and has renamed itself “San Francisco Premium Outlets.” Well, at about 45 miles from the city it’s no further away than the “SF” 49ers.

Carly Fiorina is going to solve the maternity leave problem in the U.S! In her own words by making the economy “so strong that employers are forced to compete for workers by offering better salaries, better leave policies, more time off, and good benefits.”
And no doubt many of those workers will be with military contractors developing flying pigs.

The A’s are having Mark McGwire bobblehead night next Tuesday. Does it come in two sizes, “before” and “after”?

Vernon Adams finally completed his undergraduate degree from Eastern Washington so he can play this fall for Oregon. The Ducks’ expected starting QB passed the final exam today on his second attempt for a math class.

And down in the SEC they’re going “math class?”

IK Enemkpali has a job in the NFL, Junior Galette has a job in the NFL Greg Hardy has a job in the NFL… Anyone but me thinking that with Ray Rice, who at least does appear to have learned something, the issue isn’t that elevator punch but the step or two he’s lost as a running back?

The court sketch artist who drew an unflattering picture of Tom Brady now says she is being “cyber-bullied” by Patriots fans. Okay, if you REALLY care about a courtroom sketch to the point of harassing the artist, you probably have too much time on your hands.

Frontier Airlines is getting rid of their toll-free numbers. Wonder which airline will decide to go them one better by getting rid of phone numbers period?

Uh, ‪#‎ESPN‬, at this point isn’t “Tiger Struggling” redundant? ‪#‎TigerWoods‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

A NASA climatologist says that this winter “has the potential of being the Godzilla El Niño,” Bill Patzert, a climatologist with NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.” Great, so Californians can deal with a drought and flooding at the same time.

So Buzzfeed is reporting that Al Gore is at least thinking of entering the 2016 Presidential race now. Well, heck, let’s run him against Mitt Romney. “I’ll take two politicians most people just want to go away for $1000, Alex.”

Wisconsin men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan announced in June that he would retire after the 2015-16 season. Now he says “I’m not totally sure, ” and adds that the AD “said I could change my mind at any time.”

“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

Next stop, the Supremes? A Colorado court has ruled that a baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple cannot use his Christian beliefs as a defense. You know, I would have a lot more sympathy for these religious folks if they also made an effort not to bake cakes for couples who live together before marriage, or who met while one was already married, etc.

From T.C. “MetLife Stadium has gone totally wireless, except one QB’s jaw.”

Threats and counterthreats

December 20, 2014

North Korea wants to investigate the Sony cyberattack jointly with the U.S. and has threatened “serious consequences” if we refuse their offer. So will Obama’s counter demand to set the hackers loose on FOX News?

(and to be bipartisan about this joke, followed by MSNBC.)

University of Florida QB Treon was arrested for allegedly driving a car without a license, and apparently he has never had a driver’s license. Makes sense, passing the test is probably a lot harder than getting into Florida.


Why there is no satire. Doug Amos, a local sports-talk radio host about the first ever Camellia Bowl tonight in Montgomery, Alabama between Bowling Green and South Alabama. “I thinks it’s going to be the biggest event Montgomery has ever seen. ‪#‎yeshedid‬ ‪#‎facepalm‬

Texas A&M has lost their top defensive football commitment. DT Daylon Mack, ranked as the #11 high school prospect by ESPN, says he has decommitted from the Aggies, and now may end up at LSU. Where no doubt if he doesn’t get enough playing time he will grumble about broken promises.

University of Florida QB Treon was arrested for allegedly driving a car without a license, and apparently he has never had a driver’s license. Makes sense, passing the test is probably a lot harder than getting into Florida.


Roger Goodell told the Chargers, Rams and Raiders — each of whom thought they could file relocation applications for the 2015 season starting Jan. 1, that the earliest any team could move to Los Angeles  would be 2016.   And LA fans who watched the Raiders this year are thinking “Well, we dodged one bullet.”

George Clooney has come out with a petition asking Sony to release “The Interview” and to stand up to extortion. Meaning two things: 1. George has the courage of his convictions. 2. He hasn’t written anything embarrassing in an email.

NBA commissioner Adam Silver said in an interview that tanking is really a myth: “I absolutely don’t think any team is trying to lose.” So when did the commissioner get his prescription for medical marijuana?

Khloe Kardashian has now apparently been linked to former Stanford and current NBA Robin Lopez. If true, we can title this one as a chapter of “Smart Men, Really Foolish Choices.”

Michael Vick says he thinks Jameis Winston could be the NFL’s next big star. Well, the FSU QB has already gotten his first arrests out of the way..



from Marc Ragovin  “The Federal Communications Commission has rejected a petition requesting that a Washington-area radio station be banned from using the word “Redskins” over the air because the name isn’t indecent. Guess the commissioners haven’t watched Washington game this year.”

Surprise package.

December 13, 2014

Give this woman a medal: Thieves stealing packages off doorsteps is an increasing problem in the US. And a D.C. woman got fed up with things she had ordered for the holidays being swiped, so she filled a box with poop from her two dogs and left it on her porch. And yes, a surveillance camera shows a man taking it. Alas no camera shows him opening it.

What a country. Our newest tourist attraction opening December 20? “Machine Gun America.” It will feature 50 different firearms and 10 fire lanes, Open to customers who are 13 and over. And yeah, you guessed it, Florida.

Well, then, what’s the problem? Justice Antonin Scalia, when asked about the Citizens United decision: “the amount of money that is spent on all elections — state, local and federal — in the United States, is less than what women spend on cosmetics for a year, OK?” ‪#‎sohowdowegetSupremeCourttermlimit

Hawaii is trying to lure the Obama Presidential Library with the offer of a location on the beach. Some Republicans are appalled, saying it would be just like President Obama to build his library in a foreign location

#‎Lakers‬ upset ‪#‎Spurs‬. I think I see a new marketing campaign ahead for ‪#‎Charmin‬. ‪#‎KobeBryant‬

Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer apologized for being the source behind a negative story about Jay Cutler, but denied telling the NFL Network that Chicago had “buyer’s remorse” about the QB’s $126 million contract. Gosh, Kromer sounds so credible you have to wonder if he’s angling to someday be NFL commissioner.

Junior Kentucky forward Alex Poythress tore an ACL in practice yesterday and will miss the rest of the season. Sad and a bit shocking, Kentucky had an actual junior on its team?


Some media experts are conceding 2015 World Series title to ‪#‎Dodgers‬. Guess they figure LA will be defending their predicted 2014 title?

Regarding those leaked emails between the Sony co-chairs, surely they are firing offenses. Not even for the racism. But for being stupid enough to say those sorts of things in written emails.

Oklahoma State dismissed WR Tyreek Hill from the football team following his arrest for allegedly chocking and punching his pregnant girlfriend. Hill, a junior, ranked 2nd nationally with 996 combined kick return yards. and 11th with 150.9 all-purpose yards per game. So wonder how long before he is offered a second chance with FSU or an SEC team?

I’m sure all the lower and middle-class voters who elected a GOP Congress this month will be heartened to see that one of the first ways they flexed their new muscles was a rider on a spending bill to lessen the regulatory burdens on our nation’s long suffering banks. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Not so good tidings…..

December 5, 2014

NPR is reporting that due to intelligence about a possible planned terrorist attack on a passenger plane to Europe around Christmas, airlines are considering banning carry-on luggage on such flights. Of course, even if they determine the threat isn’t serious, airlines could do that anyway to get more checked baggage fees.

A Nebraska Cornhuskers football player tried to take a selfie with a raccoon, which then bit him. So he killed the animal to have it tested for rabies. Shame he hadn’t tried a selfie with a bear. Would be one more live animal and one more Darwin winner.

Ah technology. Since negotiations between Dish Network and CBS broke down, Dish subscribers abruptly were blacked out from all CBS programming, including non-cable shows. No doubt setting off an “Amazing Race” to the phones to complain to customer service.

Rumors have it that ‪#‎TimTebow‬ is now “dating” one of the ‪#‎Duggars‬  (19  kids and counting) daughters. Which means the former NFL QB still isn’t scoring.

Nationals OF Jayson Werth was found guilty of reckless driving and sentenced to 10 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Washingtonians are stunned, when can you find space to get up to 105 mph on the Beltway?

Sounds like last night’s show should have been titled ‪#‎PeterPanDead‬ ‪#‎PeterPanLive‬

The Columbia Lions have lost 21 straight football games. Today coach Pete Mangurian, who has been accused both of being abusive and of ignoring head injuries by 25 of his players, has resigned. Wonder if he was forced out for the alleged abuse, or for losing 21 straight games?


On Friday, Starbucks is opening their first “Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room” in Seattle, a 15,000 sq ft showplace where customers can watch “Reserve” beans being roasted, take classes, and of course, purchase premium beans, food and drinks. Translation, the perfect place for those who don’t think they are overpaying enough already for coffee.


Headline “FSU loses RB Williams for ACC title game.” Apparently he hasn’t been cleared after a concussion last week. Well, we knew it wasn’t academics or off-field antics. Then Williams would have been suspended for something like the first series of downs.

A back to back item from Canadian comic Torben Rolfsen and Bill Littlejohn,, on Mickey Rourke, 62, making a pro boxing comeback in Russia by beating an opponent 33 years his junior:


Rolfsen “Don’t the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?”   Littlejohn “I heard Mickey’s prize move was the Ali Shuffleboard.”

Let the fun begin, (for SFGiants fans) the Los Angeles Times reported that Andre Ethier told the Dodgers he wanted to play every day in the outbound, and not go back to a 5-6 man rotation. But Either said this wasn’t a “play-me-or-trade-me ultimatum.” Sounds like same circus, same monkeys.


Commie pinko time:

Two SF police officers were convicted today of several felony counts each of stealing from criminal suspects. They had been charged with taking thousands of dollars found in searches of drug dealers. Of course, had they just shot the suspects….

Yet more accusers coming forward about Bill Cosby. Although apparently these allegations have been around for quite a while. But it took a bit by a young black male comedian, Hannibal Burress, to really break the story. So maybe what we’re talking here isn’t so much racism, as sexism.




Behaving badly?

December 5, 2014

George W.s’ daughter Jenna Bush Hager said in response to a question about her possibly fooling around in the White House: “You know maybe there was a little hanky-panky. There was like maybe a kiss on the roof.” Just guessing there won’t be any congressional aides telling Jenna to “show a little class.”

ESPN headline “Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth.” 11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18 man field.


Eagles coach Chip Kelly, dismissing rumors he might jump back to the NCAA. “I don’t think our pro offense would work at the college level.”. So how much did his Oregon Ducks get paid anyway?

A baby was born in Colorado that weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz. LSU coach Les Miles was about to offer the kid a scholarship until he learned it was a girl.

It’s been reported that Warren Buffett donated $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a Super PAC supporting Clinton for President. With all due respect, isn’t that about Buffet’s average income from a single one of his accounts for 15 seconds?


Rand Paul is blaming Eric Garner’s death on the high NYC cigarette tax, because he says it’s driven cigarettes underground and “put our police in a dangerous situation with bad laws.” By that token how many deaths is he going to blame on drug and prostitution laws?



Ryan Leaf has just been released from a Montana prison after two years. Over-under on how long it takes him to get a call from the ‪#‎NYJets‬?



The Washington Post is reporting that coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3. Still another option for the ‪#‎NYJets‬?


UAB – (University of Alabama – Birmingham), is eliminating football. Because we all know the state of Alabama doesn’t have enough money to waste on the sport….

The Florida Gators have hired Jim McElwain from Colorado State with a reported 6 year contract. The deal includes a $7.5 million buyout, and $2 million for a future game that CSU will play in Gainesville. Given Gator fans’ expectations let’s hope McElwain is around long enough for that game.

Rumor has it that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are interested again in Melky Cabrera. So guess they’re done crying over spilled melk?



So Anna Duggar, 26, “reality show star”, is pregnant with her fourth child in 6 years of marriage and it is “trending.” This is news because the young woman herself is famous for no other reason than that she married into a family with 19 children…. ‪#‎Beammeupscottythereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

From T.C.  – one for my male readers –  “Pizza Hut is testing digital technology with an app that can predict what you will order by scanning where your eyes are looking at when you analyze their ‘electronic tablet menu’. Of course, it would always conclude that I want the waitress with the biggest boobs.”

Turkey time

November 26, 2014

This afternoon, most media outlets covered President Obama’s executive order pardoning two turkeys. So where’s the coverage of Ted Cruz’s opposing filibuster?

Although Britain doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, stores and websites across the pond have started offering “Black Friday” sales. Good to know that the U.S.A. is exporting our traditional values around the world.

So far, while hundreds of flights were cancelled, air travel was not as awful as expected with the today’s east coast storm. Making many travelers happy, while seriously disappointing others who were all ready to try not to giggle while telling relatives “sorry, just can’t make it this year.”

Hmm, Stanford coach David Shaw thinks his team is “still an attractive team to a bowl”, because “fans have traveled to the last four bowl games.” True enough, but those were big BCS bowls. Wonder how many alums have the Cactus Bowl on their holiday wish list.

A British man on a way to his honeymoon in Cuba got drunk enough on the plane that he first fought with his bride, then threatened the flight crew. So the flight landed in Bermuda, he was arrested, and his wife and the rest of the plane went on without him. Well, that’s getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry..

Musical QB chairs time. The Jets are moving back to starting Geno Smith this Sunday. It’s all part of a complicated process for NY to aim for the #1 draft pick?

A new billboard in Denver warns parents to keep marijuana candy and alcohol away from kids. Cool But can they add guns to the list?


If the NFL REALLY wanted to give Americans a Thanksgiving turkey, wouldn’t the league have figured out a way to have a team from the NFL South play Thursday?

Saints and Falcons tied for NFC South lead at 4 and 7. Could be first NFL division champion this year who wouldn’t be NCAA bowl eligible.

Now there are rumors that RGIII is done as the Redskins’ QB. If true, how long until Washington gets a trade offer from the Jets?


A man whose backpack was stolen Sunday night in Berkeley discovered his credit card was being used to order a pizza a few hours later. He called the cops, the cops called the pizza place, delivered the pizza, arrested three men, and recovered the stolen property. ‪#‎crooksreallyarestupid‬

From Alex Kaseberg:   “A woman in the crowd before last weekend’s Tennessee football  game wept when Tim Tebow presented her with a piece of cake. Unfortunately for her, the cake was then intercepted and returned for a touchdown.


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