Posted tagged ‘Florida jokes’

A pikture is werth a thowsand werds.

July 26, 2014

jersey

The above picture is from Troy Tulowitzki jersey night at Coors Field.

(My friend Oscar B. says,   “What are they smoking in Colorado…?  Oops, never mind. )

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But Colorado IS a purple state. So maybe spelling really is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

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There’s a new reality show called “Dating Naked.” For all those who find “The Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” franchises too intellectual.

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A Colorado man was arrested for DUI. On a lawn mower. The cops said he was bar-hopping. He says he was just cutting some weeds. Maybe more like looking for some weed?

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As if women didn’t love George Clooney enough already. Quoted in People on his engagement to Amal Alamuddin:.”I’m marrying up.”

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Jay Paterno, explaining why his dad didn’t want to “wrongly accuse” Jerry Sandusky despite multiple allegations “When you know somebody for so long, it’s awfully hard to believe bad things about someone, when every sign in his life points the other way.” “Every” sign?! Guess denial is genetic.

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Carmelo Anthony told ESPN that his decision to return to the New York Knicks was about winning, and not about the five-year, $124 million contract. And then Melo left the interview to go back to work selling that bridge in Brooklyn.

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Headline at “The Onion”  “Roger Goodell to NFL Players: Murdering your Wife Will Result in Automatic 4-Game Suspension. ”  Of course, it has to be satire. Because if you’re a star the suspension would be reduced to three games max.

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So if the #SFGiants strategy is to lure the #Dodgers into a false sense of security before the trade deadline, the strategy is working.

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#NBA considering 7 day All-Star Break next season. Why not cut season from 82 to 60 games and make it a 1 month break? #toolong

Rough night for #SFGiants pitching but hard to win when your only chance to score might have been on penalty kicks. #kershaw

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Maybe it’s the curse of Will the Thrill. Uggla is wearing 22 #retire22 #SFGiants

 

Curt Clawson, a new GOP congressman, just assumed Nisha Biswal and Arun Kumar, two high level U.S. government officials, were from India. And told them what “their country” should do. Well, I suppose it could be worse. Clawson didn’t lecture them about Indian casinos.

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A SWAT team stormed a passenger plane at Toronto airport because of an alleged threat. Shockingly, this threat did not involve Rob Ford.

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Fox Sports says they will no longer be advertising with Entercom Communications Corp after Kevin Minhane, from their Boston station, blasted Erin Andrews with derogatory and sexist language after the All-Star game, and then blasted her again in his apology. So waiting for Stephen A. Smith to tell Erin Andrews not to provoke such insults?

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For the anti-Stephen A. Smith, I give you Keith Olbermann “Eventually after all the b-words and ho comments and penis remarks and nudity demands and waitress jokes, the most powerful national sports league in the world can then get away with suspending a wife-beater for just two games….. The message to the women who the league claims constitute 50% of its fan base is simple. The NFL wants your money. It will do nothing else for you.”

Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

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Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

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If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

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At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

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From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon'”

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Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

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With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

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Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ‘emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

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Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

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In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

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Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”

 

 

Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?

 

 

-Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

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Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.

 

 

Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)

Not so Tidy – Whities?

June 28, 2014

Apparently Wimbledon is enforcing the all white clothing rule so tightly this year and some women players have have to remove their colored undergarments and go braless. Is this too much tradition, or a shameless grab for television ratings?

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President Obama on the GOP. They “don’t do anything but block me and call me names.” And John Boehner said “Okay, who leaked our mission statement?”

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Tiger Woods has missed the cut  for the Quicken Loan Tournament. Which means golf ratings this weekend will be almost as high as those of the  World Cup in the US after Tuesday  if Belgium wins.

 

Randy Moss has been hired as an associate football coach by his son’s high school. Not sure exactly what the former NFL star is supposed to teach the kids. But pretty sure it isn’t humility.

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ABC has fired Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy from “The View.” Many women are thinking “How terrible.” Many men are thinking “Who?”

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Really? There’s now a Kim Kardashian video game?! Assume the goal is to make a big a** of yourself? #KimKardashianHollywood

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ESPN had a spoiler alert – basically that the second ranked woman in the world was knocked out at Wimbledon. To be a real spoiler don’t people have to know who the #2 woman in the world is?

 

A marijuana food truck plans to open soon in Everett, a suburb of Seattle, Washington. Talk about a symbiotic operation.

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Fred Dicker, a NY Post columnist, referred to a white state senator as a “spear chucker” for the New York City Democratic delegation, which is mostly black. And then said it was not a racial slur. Right. Will Dicker then suggest “spear chuckers” for a new name for Washington’s football team?

 

Joaquin Arias is 1 for 18 as a pinch-hitter for the #SFGiants. That’s not a “pinch-hitter”, that’s a “pinch-outter.”

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Clients called saying they would be late to an appointment at our office. They were lost because their GPS had broken. If only there were an inexpensive, simple, portable way to get directions. #Imissmaps

 

One of the Miss America contestants this September was originally the runner-up, and only found out she won her state pageant 6 days later, when organizers realized a vote count error, and dethroned the original winner. You guessed it, Miss Florida.

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Wonder if the new Miss Florida was crowned by the Supreme Court?

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A federal judge upheld Colorado’s new gun laws that mandate background checks for all gun sales and limited the capacity of ammunition magazines. From the ruling; “Of the many law enforcement officials called to testify, none were able to identify a single instance in which they were involved where a single civilian fired more than 15 shots in self defense.” Common sense, what a concept.

 

 

And finally a no snark item for a change.

 

Apparently actress Amy Adams, who had a 1st class seat on American Airlines, saw a uniformed soldier at the gate and quietly got the flight attendant to switch their seats so Ms. Adams ended up in coach. Wow. A celebrity making news that doesn’t involve an arrest, a wardrobe malfunction or a sex tape. Very well played, Amy,

Crime$ and mi$demeanor$?

May 14, 2014

90 people were arrested today, 50 in Florida, for Medicare fraud schemes estimated to total $260 million. But to be fair, the Florida folks say they were just training to run for Governor.

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The NBA on last night’s OKC-LA officiating hiccup: “There has to be ‘clear and conclusive’ evidence. Since no replay provided such evidence, the play correctly stood as called with the Thunder retaining possession.” Translation, “you really think we’re going to admit to changing the outcome of a playoff game?”

 

The NCAA penalized Oklahoma State because the football program’s Academic Progress Rate score has dropped below the minimum standard. So the Cowboys will lose the equivalent of one day’s practice a week. But OSU avoided worse sanctions, like making the players actually go to class.

 

 

Joran van der Sloot, the main suspect in Natalee Hollowa’s disappearance, is serving a 28-year sentence in Peru for killing a local woman. And now he’s getting MARRIED. To a woman he met while in prison, who is pregnant with his child. Can we title this “Not so smart woman, exceptionally foolish choices.”?

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Really? NY Daily News headline today “Nicole Kidman sparks plastic surgery rumors at Cannes?” So what’s their next headline? “This internet thing could be really big!”?

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MLB changed the call on David Ortiz’s 7th inning hit that fell between two fielders in right field during Yu Darvish’s near no-hitter from an error to a single. Just wondering, if it wasn’t a star like Big Papi, would MLB even have considered it?

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A girl escaped with scrapes and two little boys are in stable condition after wind gusts swept their inflatable bounce house into the air with them inside. Fortunately they fell out relatively quickly although the inflatable house eventually rose 50 feet and drifted several hundred yards before landing. Some will see this story and think “lawsuit”, others will think “how do I make a bounce house do that?”

 

Dallas sports anchor Dale Hansen is back. Not doing much for the Stone Age reputation of older white Southern men: “When Sam was seen celebrating with his family — and boyfriend — the world apparently shook, we almost collided with the sun, and yet SOMEHOW, we have survived another day.”-

 

 

The Missouri legislature just passed legislation requiring women to wait 72 hours to have an abortion. If they really wanted to stop abortion maybe all these mostly male legislators could pass a law making men wait 72 hours to have sex.

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Donald Sterling now says if he can keep the Clippers he won’t have to worry about an NBA players boycott. He really thinks the team will keep playing? Heck, looks like they quit already with a minute left in game five.

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Ben Sasse, who just won the GOP Primary to run for U.S. Senator from Nebraska, says on his website “Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances. He will fight for the right of all Americans to act in accordance with their conscience.” Let me guess, in all his time at Harvard and Yale, one class Sasse never took was “Comparative Religions?”

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Leland Yee is still on the ballot as running for California Secretary of State. And no doubt more than a few Californians will say “Hey, I know that name from somewhere,” and vote for him.

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The Pac-12 is set to announce that it will move their league championship football game to the 49ers’ new Santa Clara facility. Well, this will guarantee fans at Levi’s stadium the ability to see top college-level talent this year, other than the Redskins in November.

Sam I Ram.

May 10, 2014

Sign of progress, it seemed absolutely irrelevant today that Michael Sam’s boyfriend is white. #Thetimestheyareachanging #MichaelSa

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A thought about Michael Sam being drafted. Yeah, maybe some in the media are making too much of it. But changes don’t get to be small deals without the first ones being big deals.

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CNN commentator Margaret Hoover, on the Rams’ drafting Michael Sam, that she hopes the message will be for high school kids that “they don’t have to be afraid of choosing to be gay or choosing their dream in sportsmanship and professional sports.”   Just like Jackie Robinson helped kids not be afraid of choosing to be black.

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A.J. McCarron, who is now engaged to Katherine Webb, has been chosen in the NFL draft by Cincinnati. And Brent Musberger has already inquired about broadcasting Bengals games.

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Today is Mother’s Day. Or as they say in the NBA “So many women, so little time.”

 

-It may be “No Country for Old Men” but it sure is a Western Conference Semifinals for old men. #Spurs

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#SFGiants Pablo Sandoval has as much a chance of getting a hit w/ 2 strikes now as Donald Sterling does of getting another NAACP award.

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For the second time in 3 days, planes have hit birds at LaGuardia Airport. No injuries were reported. “Speak for yourselves,” say relatives of the birds.

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Elin Nordegren, speaking at her Rollins College graduation, mentioned that her divorce “was right after I had taken communication and the media… I probably should have taken more notes in that class.” Tiger is just glad Elin wasn’t taking lessons in how to swing a golf club.

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A South Carolina high school teacher has been accused of having sex with three different students in one day. Clearly these budget cutbacks have our educators stretched too thin.

 

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Headline “IndyCar Grand Prix of Indianapolis Marred by Huge Crash.” And a lot of casual racing fans are thinking “Marred?”

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The NBA apparently believes it can also remove Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly from ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. If private phone conversations are a problem, how much more slippery a slope is being married to an a**hole?

 

Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

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Nothing lasts forever

April 14, 2014

But some things come close.

 

It’s only five days until Easter. Time to start trying to remember where you put the Marshmallow Peeps in storage?

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I don’t watch “Game of Thrones.” But it appears to be a show where you might want to turn down wedding invitations.

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After winning the Masters Bubba Watson headed to Waffle House. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Watson actually went for the food.

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It was an exciting Masters golf tournament this year, except that neither Tiger nor Phil were there on the weekend. And ESPN executives said to their pals at CBS – “Now you know how we feel when the game of the week isn’t between the Red Sox and Yankees!”

 

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In Louisiana, Gov. Bobby Jindal has joined the state GOP chair in calling on Vance McAllister, who was seen on video kissing his staffer, to resign from Congress. Guessing we’re going to wait a long time for a statement on the subject from Senator David Vitter.

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Michael Phelps announced he is coming out of retirement, which means he could swim at the 2016 Rio Olympics. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

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If #MH370 wasn’t still missing wonder how many days CNN would devote to the #USAirways twitter fiasco?

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Someone in US Airways’ social media customer service department accidentally tweeted out a lewd picture in response to a customer comment.  Well, it will make for an interesting story when he or she gets asked “So why did you leave your last profession?”

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Delta refers to their extra legroom seats as “Economy comfort.” Fair enough. But they should call the rest of the plane by its true name – “Economy discomfort.”

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Newt Gingrich says Kathleen Sibelius was “right to resign” over the Obamacare website “disgrace.” Well, if anyone knows about resigning in disgrace….

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The Wisconsin GOP’s Resolutions Committee just affirmed the party’s support for “legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” Well, if the state can make this happen, can they take Arizona, Florida and Texas with them?

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Tony La Russa says he is surprised there haven’t been more “hiccups” with the new MLB instant replay. So how many blown calls did he expect in the first two weeks?

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Investigators hired by Chris Christie reported the N.J. Governor had tears in his eyes during a meeting after he first learned of the news report linking his aides to the the George Washington Bridge closure. Crying over their involvement, or crying over getting caught?

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A 14-year-old Dutch girl was arrested after sending American Airlines a tweet saying “hello my name’s Ibrahim and I’m from Afghanistan. I’m part of Al Qaida and on June 1st I’m gonna do something really big bye.” What was she thinking? Gal is WAY too young to be dating Aldon Smith.

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Really? John Calipari now says he would coach at Kentucky longer if the “one-and-done” rule was altered to keep kids in school at least two years. Maybe he thinks if players stay twice as long he’d have half the chance of getting caught for recruiting violations?

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Gary M on the woman who was dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food.

“If only she’d been wearing her heels…”

Be careful what you wish for?

April 13, 2014

Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.

 

SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”

 

Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

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Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?

 

OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

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Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

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Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

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A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

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Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?

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Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

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Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

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Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

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A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

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Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?

 

 

A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

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Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

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Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

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Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

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A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

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United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

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Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….

 

 

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Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”

 

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?

 

Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….

 

(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)

 

Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?

 

 

This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”

Taste of America?

February 18, 2014

Those Ralph Lauren limited-edition Team USA sweaters, originally $595, are now selling for THOUSANDS on Ebay. Sounds like some folks are getting very expensive Christmas sweaters to put at the back of their closets.

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Wonder how many people watched the Russian ice dancers skate to Swan Lake and thought “Cool, they’re using the music from Billy Elliott.”

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The U.S. two man bobsled had not won a medal in 62 years. Or as Cubs fans call that “Only Yesterday.” #BMWBobsled

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Johnny Manziel, saying that Russell Wilson is proof that shorter QBs can succeed in the NFL – “I think he’s kicked the door wide open.” And Doug Flutie and Drew Brees are just giggling.

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So a hijacked Ethopian Airlines plane ended up landing in Geneva instead of Rome. No reported injuries, but many passengers on board no doubt have one very important question – “Does the detour mean I get extra frequent flier miles?”

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Paris Hilton had a major wardrobe malfunction at the 33rd birthday party bash she threw for herself Saturday, when she showed the world she was going commando with an overly slit dress. Or maybe Paris is just trying to take some headlines back from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus?

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The Downton Abbey US season finale is NEXT WEEK?! #toosoon

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Not the Onion: In Georgia, some legislators are pushing for a law that would allow licensed gun-owners to avoid arrest if they accidentally bring their firearms to the airport and into security lines. Two questions: “What could possibly go wrong?” And “How did they beat Florida to it?”

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George Zimmerman told CNN “I’d like to to continue my education and hopefully become an attorney.” So much for anyone who said it’s not possible for the legal profession to have a worse reputation.

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A “number” of passengers and three crew members were injured today when a United Airlines flight from Denver to Billings encountered “severe” turbulence. Coming soon, a “premium seat belt” for a fee?

(Or as Bill D. says, “an E ticket fee?”)

From my friend comedy writer Jerry Perisho “Good news. Simon Cowell’s milk came in.”

(I’m wondering, does that mean Simon will soon be wearing a black nursing t-shirt?)

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From T.C.  “Some of the stray Russian dogs are being adopted by the visiting Olympic athletes. One American is arranging to bring one home and has already named it “Sochi”. A British guy wants to adopt one as well. Name? “Eddie the Beagle” of course.”

(My Bus to Hell thought.  Probably a good thing for the dogs that there are no Vietnamese athletes at these games.)

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Three one-thousandth of a second….

February 16, 2014

Very cute Carnival Cruise lines Olympic commercial featuring kids and a waterslide about the team that “just met yesterday.” Wonder how many people can read the small print “Unless you are a professional bobsledder only one person may go down the slide at a time.”

 

Three one thousandth of a second was the difference today in the 1500 meters men’s speed skating event. Men think “Wow!”  And women think, “I’ve known men who’ve lasted less than that.”

 

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, defending his decision to allow a debt-ceiling vote. “I believe I have to act in the best interest of the country.” And he said it with a straight face.

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Sad news. John Henson, 48, who followed his late father into puppetry, has died of a heart attack. Jim Henson was only 53 when he died. Hope this doesn’t mean Muppets are hazardous to your health.

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USA men’s hockey wins in a shoot out. USA Women’s curling elminated after they fall just short of an extra end. And millions of people are thinking “I have no idea what either of those sentences mean.”

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Curling would be a lot more fun to watch if they could run the competition simultaneously on the ice with figure skating. #demolitionderby

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Just thinking that “do you believe in miracles?” call wouldn’t have been the same with a shootout.

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So it’s not the suits? What will the U.S. Speedskating team blame next?

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Roger Goodell made $44.2 million last year. Could you imagine how much he would have made if he weren’t working as the head of a nonprofit?

 

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The military says they now have a pizza for soldiers that can stay on the shelf for as long as three years and still remain edible. Did they just borrow the recipe from Domino’s?

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A Northern California Radio Shack was robbed at gunpoint this week. Shocking! There’s anything at a Radio Shack crooks think is worth stealing?

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So to sum up, a white guy in Florida opened fire on a SUV with four black teenagers inside because he felt “threatened” after an argument that he started by complaining about their music. (The teenagers were unarmed.) And a jury says he’s guilty of trying to murder the kids he missed, but not guilty of murdering the kid he actually shot?

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George Zimmerman just told an interviewer: “I suffer from PTSD.” I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

 

A top South Korean speed skater decided to move and switch his allegiance to Russia in order to improve his medal changes in Sochi. Hmm. Think we can convince Justin Bieber that his best chance of another Grammy is to move back to Canada?

From Marc Ragovin. ” Actress Ellen Page has announced that she is gay. Well there goes her NFL career.”

(of course, for nervous men,  Page could be the perfect locker room reporter.)

 

Forget Team USA

February 8, 2014

Image

 

Have to root for Norway in curling if only to see what these guys might wear on the medal stand.

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There’s an allegation that the US and Russian figure skating judges are working together so the that Americans win the ice dancing event and Russia wins the pairs and team events. Why there is no satire? The allegations come from the French.

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Sage Kotsenburg won the first American gold medal at Sochi in slopestyle. Prompting two responses in this country. 1. USA! USA! USA! 2. What the heck is “slopestyle?”

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Still controversy on the “America the Beautiful” Coke ad. With comments from some haters like “This is the US, speak English.”. Though in that case shouldn’t we all be speaking, say, Navaho?

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Despite a glitch with only four Olympic rings during the Opening Ceremony most Russians on television were shown an edited version where an additional ring magically appeared. “You can do that?” said Peyton Manning.

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Who the heck knows the real truth with Woody Allen and Dylan Farrow. But one thing for sure, millions of Americans are now thinking their own families are so much less dysfunctional by comparison….

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A Northern California man who struck and killed a bicyclist is blaming the new-car smell of his Tesla Motors Model S for the accident, claiming the smell caused him to fall asleep at the wheel. Yet another case of #affluenza?

 

 

Eric Holder says the U.S. government will recognize same-sex marriages as equal to traditional marriages in all federal matters, including bankruptcies, prison visits and survivor benefits. Over-under on how many heads explode at FOX news this weekend?

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Charlie Crist, running for Governor of Florida, just came out against the Cuban embargo. “After more than 50 years of hoping the embargo would bring freedom to Cuba, it’s time to admit that it has failed. We should replace it with a policy that facilitates more trade and more exchange of ideas and values, while simultaneously keeping the pressure on the regime for their human rights violations.” Is Crist too reasonable for the state?

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Cheyenne Woods, Tiger’s niece, has a one shot lead going into the final round of the Australian Ladies’ Masters. They must be jumping up and down at ESPN at the prospect of putting Tiger Woods and tournament win into the same story.

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The Celebrity Boxing match between rapper DMX and George Zimmerman has been called off. The promoter said it was because there’s “more to life than money.” Or maybe George found out he couldn’t carry a concealed weapon in his boxing shorts?

 

Winter time, and the sports living ain’t easy.

January 25, 2014

Is no sport sacred? In Florida, trainer James O’Donnell was charged with illegal possession of PEDs. Allegedly to use on racing grayhounds.

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Got to love it, Saturday weather at 10a in Olympic site Sochi, Russia, 41 degrees. Weather at 10a in Super Bowl site East Rutherford, NJ, 18 degrees…..

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The PGA tour has started for 2014 so that puts golf back in the ESPN headlines – as in ‘Tiger Woods 9 back after second round….”

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The NFL fined Richard Sherman $7,875 for unsportsmanlike conduct/taunting at the end of the NFC championship game when he made a choking gesture towards the 49er bench. Gosh. That’s almost half the fine he’d have gotten for doing something truly egregious, like wearing the wrong color socks.

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Orlando International Airport, 13th in size in the U.S., ranked 8th in the U.S. (and 1st in the state) in 2013, with 47 guns confiscated by TSA. So who says Florida doesn’t overachieve at anything?

 

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In Oakland, a 13 year-old boy allegedly fatally shot his 17 year-old sister because he was upset she bleached his clothes. So will the NRA call for “open carry” in all laundromats?

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An ex-Senate aide charged with possessing and distributing child pornography was found dead yesterday of an alleged suicide in Maryland. Bus to hell thought, while the Senate may be free-spending with our money, at least this guy saved taxpayers the expense of a trial.

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Just wondering why Mike Huckabee isn’t also complaining that Republicans are “insulting the MEN of America by having Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for VIAGRA because they cannot control their libido without the help of the government.”

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Another thought about Huckabee’s birth control comments: How many of his target audience didn’t know the word “libido?”

 

Cheap shots?

January 17, 2014

 

Now the allegations are that Aaron Hernandez was actually the gunman in a 2012 double murder. This would never happen with Tony Romo. No chance he’d hit the targets.

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Florida is spending $2.8 million on new interstate highway signs saying “Florida Welcomes You.” Will the signs also add the practical advice “Duck and cover.”?

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In a Florida Walmart, a 77 year old man was arrested for using his shopping cart to bash another customer. The victim, who was not seriously hurt, allegedly had too many items for the Express Lane. Two thoughts: Who hasn’t wanted to do that? And if only they had both been armed.

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Tough times in Los Angeles during the NFL playoffs since they don’t have a team. And who’d a thunk they’d now be saying – “Thank God for the Clippers, or we wouldn’t have an NBA team either.”

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John C. Kelly, an ex-Morgan Stanley wealth manager, is on trail for secretly recording himself having sex at his NY apt with three different women. He claims he “accidentally” made the recordings with the camera he has set up as a pet dog monitor. Wonder if Kelly also filmed the dog eating his homework?
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Great timing award? Jennifer Montana, who designs jewelry, just announced a new piece. It’s in partnership with Marshawn Lynch and it’s a #24 Seahawks necklace.

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New MLB instant replay rules will finally let teams to show replays of controversial plays in the stadium. Bud Selig “The opportunity for our fans to see more replays in our ballparks is an important modification that the clubs and I favored.” Right, and Selig acted on this as promptly as he acted on steroids.
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Much controversy over the Seahawks not selling playoff tickets to Californians. Actually after watching him on the sidelines last weekend it would make more sense for Seattle to ban coffee shops from selling to Jim Harbaugh.
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Oscar nominations are out. And somehow Chris Christie was snubbed for his “I am not a bully” role.
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At what point do they just give Meryl Streep a lifetime Oscar and retire her name from Academy Award contention?
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A recent Salt Lake Tribune poll found Utah residents are now evenly split on gay marriage, with 48% in favor and 48% against. Well, the state does have a record of accepting unusual unions.
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Alex Rodriguez now says he thinks 2014 will be “a new chapter of my life.” Not sure of the ending of this autobiography, but it will definitely be shelved in the fantasy section.
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Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on “Gilligan’s Island.” has died. Have to wonder if his character ultimately inspired the astronauts on Apollo 13. (Although you had to wonder, if the Professor could fix anything, why couldn’t he build a boat?)
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A Texas man is getting death threats after he paid $350,000 for the right to hunt a black rhino in Nambia. His statement “I want to experience a black rhino. I want to be intimately involved with a black rhino. If I go over there and shoot it or not shoot it, it’s beyond the point.” Well, if he really wants to experience and be intimately involved with the animal, how about he walks up close to it without a gun….

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From Bill Littlejohn:   The Dodgers now have seven $20 million men, which now makes their starters the world’s fifth largest economy”

Not open for business?

January 16, 2014

Beanie baby founder Ty Warner pleaded guilty to avoiding over $5 million on $25 million in hidden income, and got sentenced to 2 years probation and 500 hours of community service.  So let that be a lesson to other billionaires….

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J.C. Penney is closing 33 stores. Shocking. Penney’s still has stores?

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The USADA says that A-Rod’s PED regimen was “probably the most potent and sophisticated drug program developed for an athlete that we’ve ever seen.” Well if so we’ve learned one new thing about PED’s. They don’t work in October.

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While marijuana is legal in Colorado, taking it on a plane is not. So Colorado Springs airport is putting in “amnesty boxes” for passengers who forget and bring some with them. Wonder how they determine afterwards which airport officials get to, uh, destroy the evidence.

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Jim Harbaugh says he thinks that the Seahawks keeping fans with California billing addresses from buying tickets to Sunday’s game is a good idea, because you want to put your team “in the best possible position to win that you can.” Why do I get the feeling the 49ers ticket office may be getting a little call with future suggestions from their coach?

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The latest story on Jim Harbaugh is that his wife hates his pleated khakis, threw his old pairs out, and the 49ers coach bought replacements for $8 at Walmart. So maybe when Harbaugh famously asked Pete Carroll “What’s YOUR deal?” he was talking about pants?

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Tom Brady missed today’s practice with an apparent cold. Will Giselle blame the Patriots wide receivers?

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Wow. Apparently the fatal movie shooting in Florida theater happened during the PREVIEWS. Imagine if the victim had been texting during the movie itself. Would the killer have have shot up the entire theater?

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Bus to Hell time. So if texting during the previews isn’t a good reason to shoot someone in a movie theater, what DOES qualify as a good reason? Just polling my twisted readers/friends.

 

Chris Christie on Tuesday  “This administration and this Legislature will not allow the work that needs to be done to improve the people’s lives of New Jersey to be delayed for any reason.”   Well,  unless we are stuck in traffic.

 

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From Marc Ragovin:   Chris Christie is trying to move on from the bridge scandal.  But if he runs for President in ’16, I’m pretty sure his campaign theme song won’t be “Life in the Fast Lane.

Vive la France?

January 15, 2014

French President Francois Hollande, facing allegations that he is cheating on his longterm partner, acknowledged “ordeals” in his personal life, and said he would “clarify who the first lady is before he takes a presidential trip to the United States on Feb. 11.” And Bill Clinton is thinking “You could do that?”

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Jacqueline Bisset: “I can’t remember what I said” in her Golden Globes speech. “I am shocked”, said nobody who watched the speech

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More from Florida. A court recently ruled that colleges and universities had to allow student to keep guns in their cars on campus, now the gun rights group that won that case is trying to force the University of Florida to allow firearms in dorm rooms and student apartments. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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The man who allegedly fatally shot another movie-goer over texting is a retired and well-regarded Tampa police officer with a 20 year career who has led gun safety classes. So how do you stop a “good guy with a gun?”

Stay classy Texas, where conservative blogger Bill Whittle at a Ted Cruz rally joked (well, MAYBE he was joking), about opening fire on cars with California license plates… and getting a medal for it. The entire little vignette is at the bottom of this post.

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Chris Christie during his State of the State Address “Mistakes were clearly made.” And no doubt what he thinks is the #1 mistake – putting anything in writing in an email.

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Wonder how bad #Bridgegate has to get before Snooki says she’s embarrassed to be from New Jersey?

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The LA County Sheriff’s Department searched Justin Bieber’s mansion after a complaint that eggs were thrown at a neighbor’s home. They apparently found drugs including cocaine and arrested one of Bieber’s guest. We knew Bieber wanted to be an star as an adult. But looks like the star he wants to be is Lindsay Lohan.

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The illegal forward pass that ended the Saints’ season Saturday was apparently a “designed play that went awry.” Sounds like the whole Cowboys season.

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The Chicago Cubs say that some of the reaction to their new mascot was “despicable.” Many Cubs fans think that adjective should be reserved for the team’s play on the field.

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The owners of the Empire State Building are suing a photographer for $1.1 million because he took pictures of a topless model on the observation deck. I don’t know…. Guessing random photo shoots of topless models might increase visitor counts.

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Bud Selig, who says he is retiring, again, at the end of 2014, says he wants to spend his last year as commissioner on a Mariano Rivera-type tour of all 30 major-league baseball stadiums. Except presume when Bud is in house the parks will ban fruit and plastic bottle sales?

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#‎PabloSandoval‬ has lost 42 pounds. That’s half a ‪#‎TimLincecum‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Houston Texans owner Bob McNair has been raving about South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney, a potential #1 NFL draft pick. Well, it might be a good fit, the Texans have a rebuilding program, a new head coach, and a state speed limit that tops out at 85 mph.

The Texas “joke”   “I’ve said this several times in Texas before and I’ve said it to Mr. Cruz as a representative of the Texas government, I’ve said it to Gov. (Rick) Perry directly, and now I’m going to say it to you as individual Texas citizens. You will see a lot of cars coming west heading east on Interstate 10, and they’re going to have California license plates on them. Now, if you see these cars pull into rest areas or hotels or restaurants, that’s fine; wave goodbye, make sure they go out on the Louisiana end. But if you see them pull off into residential areas, you need to open fire on these vehicles immediately. Immediately. Not with 9mm or AR rounds; you need to put mortars on those things, you cannot take any chances. What’s the worst that could happen to you? I mean, honestly, this is Texas, right? You’ll stand in front of a Texas judge, (and) he’ll say, ‘Did you shoot up that car full of Californians?’ You’ll say yes, he’ll say why. You’ll say, ‘Well, your honor, they needed killing.’ And he’ll say, ‘We’ll strike a medal in your honor,’ and off you go.

It’s the most munchie-fun time of the year?

December 16, 2013

Pennsylvania police arrested a Florida man after a traffic stop after they found 20 pounds of marijuana in boxes wrapped as Christmas presents. Well, who’s to say the boxes weren’t Christmas presents?

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Fox NFL announcers before 49ers-Buccaneers game Sunday in a gray Tampa. “There’s no sunshine in the Sunshine State. Temperatures are 70 degrees and falling.” And no doubt East Coast viewers are all thinking “just STFU.”

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In-N-Out Burgers has indicated they do not want to expand to the East Coast. This is bad news for both East Coast residents and any of their under-employed cardiologists.

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Former MLB player Ryan Freel, who reportedly had 9-10 concussions while he played, and who committed suicide last year, reportedly suffered from CTE. No doubt Bud Selig will address this with all the dedication he showed on the steroid issue.

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Joan Fontaine, 96, died today. Perhaps she went to Manderley again?

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The Dallas Cowboys blew a 23 point lead today. To paraphrase a Horace Walpole quote – “A tragedy to those in North Texas, a comedy to those who live everywhere else.”

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Monte Kiffin is making his son Lane look good.

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As TC says “Good news Cowboy fans, “Everytime Romo throws a pick, an angel gets their wings”.

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Apparently the Saints decided to take a bye week. Or at least a bye three quarters. #gladitsnottheplayoffs

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The Miami Dolphins upset the New England Patriots 24-20. So the question of the day “WWGB?” Who will Gisele blame?

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Not the Onion. Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America, said the problem in America is overly restrictive. “Every one of our mass murders in our country has occurred in places where guns were prohibited. The legislation that is on the books is lethal. It is killing people. All of these gun free zones are murder magnets. We’ve simply got to get rid of them.” Hey, guns on airplanes, in schools, in theaters, what could possibly go wrong….?

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John Kerry said Kim Jong Un is “reckless” and “insecure.” What was his first clue?

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Journey guitarist Neal Schon and former “Real Housewives of D.C.” star Michaele Holt Salahi wed in a Pay-Per-View ceremony in San Francisco Sunday. Proving it was possible to show something less relevant than the Redskins-Falcons game.

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Redskins coach Mike Shanahan isn’t planning to resign and according to ESPN sources “actually would like to return to Washington next season as long as he can run the organization the way he wants.” I think we have a better chance for world peace.

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Apparently all four GOP candidates for lieutenant governor in Texas think that public schools should teach creationism. Not sure about creationism but these folks are not doing much for the theory of “intelligent design.”

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So much fuss over a picture. But for different reasons we can I think be thankful that “selfies” weren’t a phenomenon when either W. or Bill Clinton was President.

(and btw, since some friends have asked, the explanation from the photographer of the Obama and friends picture…. http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/11/selfie-of-obama-was-misinterpreted-photographer-says/?_r=0)

Equally bad?

November 24, 2013

So has the #NFL achieved #parity? Or just a lot of mediocre teams?

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One headline Sunday after the 4-7 Gators’ loss to Georgia Southern said “Florida Hits Bottom.” And out west, Cal Bears fans are thinking “Uh, depends what your definition of ‘bottom’ is.”

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Georgia Southern beat Florida yesterday without completing a pass. Was this a football game or a competition between the schools’ chess teams?

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For the uninitiated, few teams hate each other more than Green Bay and Minnesota. So Sunday was like kissing a particularly ugly and/or smelly sister.

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Apparently some members of the  Packers didn’t realize the game would end as a tie if they were tied with the Vikings after one overtime.  Didn’t realize Green Bay had added  Donovan McNabb to their coaching staff.

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A 20 year-old American tourist died last week after he and a friend got drunk and jumped off a bridge into a river in Seville, Spain. Guess a more intelligent alternative wasn’t available, like running with the Bulls?

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The NY Knicks are 3-9, but coach Mike Woodson said it’s too early for the team to start panicking. The Utah Jazz are 1-13. Yeah, they can panic.

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Reports are that football coach Will Muschamp will be back at Florida in 2014. Translation – The Gators don’t think they will be able to find anyone else to take over their mess.

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Just think of all the poor kids in Boston who didn’t even fight their parents telling them to go to bed at halftime of a 24-0 Broncos-Patriots game.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much.He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick”

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Regarding the Iran deal, it’s hard to top the reaction of Texas Senator John Cornyn. “Amazing what WH will do to distract attention from O-care.” (Hey, at least Obama didn’t go invade a country.)

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With many in the GOP attacking President Obama for negotiating with Iran, wonder what they’d say if an administration not only negotiated with but sold arms to the post-Shah regime? Hypothetically speaking of course.

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If you are a conservative who has studied history, ignore this post. But strikes me that a lot of the GOP today are referencing “Neville Chamberlain” when yesterday they might have had a hard time telling you who he was.

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CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick.

- See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf

CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf
CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf
CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf

All Ducked Up?

November 23, 2013

Well, those two Oregon players who were quoted as saying they didn’t want to go to the Rose Bowl again got their wish.

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Congrats to ASU on winning the Pac 12 South. All the Sun Devils have to do to host the Pac 12 Championship game is beat Arizona. Of course that’s the Oregon Ducks had to do too….

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Michigan State beats Northwestern to clinch the “Legends” division. Why do I think Woody and Bo wouldn’t be caught dead taking about “Legends” or “Leaders?”

 

The Gators lost in Gainesville to…. Georgia Southern? This is the most embarassing thing to happen in Florida since at least Wednesday.

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MLB’s security director is recommending that teams install metal detectors at each gate in 2014. I see a boom year for makers of plastic flasks.

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Dallas Cowboys have missed the playoffs for the last three seasons. And Owner/GM Jerry Jones said he’s been doing some of his best work in years. The rest of the NFC East would certainly agree with him.

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USC interim coach Ed Orgeron just got a vote of confidence from …Lane Kiffin. Just when things were going so well.

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The state attorney investigating possible sexual assault charges against FSU QB Jameis Winston says his office may not make a decision on whether to file charges until next week or later. How much later? After the Heisman announcement or BCS games?

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Johnny Manziel said he will announce his NFL decision before Texas A & M’s bowl game. “Wonder what he will decide?” said absolutely no one.

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Just to prove that putting stupid things in emails is not confined to one gender, a female Army colonel stepped down from leading a gender study after she wrote that only “average-looking women” should be used in Army materials used to attract women for combat roles.

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A reminder about flying U.S. airlines. It could be worse. A Pakistan Airlines pilot was jailed today for 9 months in Britain for being over the limit – too drunk even to drive a car – before he was about to fly to Islamabad. His defense, in Pakistan there is only a 12 hour “bottle to throttle” rule, and he had finished drinking 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey before that..

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There is talk of legalizing cell-phone use on planes. This could be a two-fer for airline profits: One fee for using your phone in the air. Another fee for sitting in a cell-phone free zone.

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A-Rod’s statement about his grievance hearing with MLB over his 211-game suspension. “We crushed it They had nothing.” Sounds like the same sense of reality Rodriguez had about facing postseason pitching.

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Class, nothing but class. Victoria and David Beckham caused lines to form outside a British Red Cross shop when they donated clothes to help typhoon victims in the Philippines. And now Kim Kardashian put some of her clothes on eBay for the same cause. Except she is keeping 90% of the profits for herself.

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It’s beginning in SF, the finger pointing over the 49ers somewhat underwhelming season, and some including Steve Young are putting blame on Colin Kaepernick. You’ve got to think it takes some work for Alex Smith to keep a little smile off his face.

 

A deal has been reached to halt Iran’s nuclear program. I blame Obama.

Falling leaves, falling rankings.

October 20, 2013

Five ranked SEC teams lost yesterday. No punchline. I just like writing that.

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The Washington Redskins actually won. I blame Obama.

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Ted Cruz is now blaming Senate Republicans for the “lousy deal” to reopen the government. Other Senate Republicans are blaming voters in Texas.

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Perhaps Shakespeare anticipated the BCS? As almost two months before bowls are actually decided, the first BCS standings are out – “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

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An alligator wandered right outside a Walmart in Apopka, Florida last night, but returned to its nearby lake without incident. But the 6-foot creature now holds the title of the scariest thing seen at that Walmart, well not wearing curlers and short shorts….

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Oregon beat WSU 62 to 38, but defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti was furious at Washington State coach Mike Leach, whose team racked up 559 yards. “That’s total bullshit that he threw the ball at the end of the game like he did I think it’s low class and it’s bullshit to throw the ball when the game is completely over against our kids that are basically our scout team.” How dare they indeed… why the Cougars even managed to cover the spread….

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Stanford fans just watched a #Colts drive where #AndrewLuck showed how he WOULD have won the Fiesta Bowl. #Notbitter

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Even for those of us whose team’s are not in the World Series, one thing to smile about – after this year Tim McCarver is retiring!

Maria Belen Chapur, Mark Sanford’s reason for “hiking the Appalachian trail” and now his fiancee, complained to a reporter that “Everybody has a fantasy that governors or lawmakers make a lot of money. ‘I’m going to take away that fantasy because a governor in the United States makes $108,000 per year … it’s not even enough to pay for private school for his children.” Oh the horror. (Btw, as a Congressman, Sanford now makes $174,000 a year. per capita income in South Carolina, $33,000.)

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New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick isn’t happy with the controversial rule interpretation that led to the NY Jets’ game winning field goal today. And longtime Oakland Raiders fans are just giggling.

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Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the #KCchiefs?

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If only strength of schedule helped for playoff seeding. #AndrewLuck and #Colts have beaten 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos.


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