Posted tagged ‘Florida jokes’

A good kid with a gun?

July 30, 2014

A Florida mother has been arrested for letting her seven-year-old son walk to a local park alone, and having the boy carry a cellphone in case of any problems. Well, duh, it’s Florida, she should have sent the kid with a gun.

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Red Lobster is trying to turn around their ailing business by focusing on more attractive plate presentation with their entrees. Right. Would like to see the Venn diagram between those who like to take pictures of their food and Red Lobster customers.

 

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As we near the trade deadline a lot of mediocre players suddenly look very attractive to desperate teams. It’s the MLB equivalent of 15 minutes before closing time.

This just in. #DavidPrice and #JonLester have still not been traded. And Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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Shocking. “The Bachelorette” apparently had sex with two different contestants on the show. Does that make her an honorary guy?

 

(Although some of the former Bachelors are thinking “only two?”)

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The NFL has indicated they will not accept Josh Gordon’s “secondhand marijuana smoke” defense. Probably as well that drug testing didn’t take place during the 1970s. Or the league might have suspended any player who went to Grateful Dead concerts.’

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Adam Silver wants to change the lottery format to allow all 14 teams a relatively equal chance at the #1 pick.. The 76ers are upset, as they were 19-63 last season and were planning to tank again. The rest of the league wonders how the NBA will make this work to give one more #1 pick to the Cavaliers.

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The Chicago Cubs (44-61) beat the Colorado Rockies (43-63  last night in 16 innings. And if you watched the entire game and aren’t related to one of the players, you just might have too much time on your hands.

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#‎Cubs‬ catcher ‪#‎JohnBaker‬ pitched 2 innings tonight, got the win, & scored winning run. Could ‪#‎SFGiants‬ trade for Baker? Need his arm & bat.

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An Indiana man has won a $1 million in the lottery twice in the past three months. So he was still playing? Guess a million doesn’t go as far as it used to. Even in Indiana.

 

The “People’s Choice” awards just announced they will add a special achievement award next year just for Orlando Bloom.

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Eric Chavez retired today. He couldn’t have done it last year and let Yusmeiro Petit throw a perfect game? #SFGiants?

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The Dan Uggla era with the #SFGiants is over as Uggla was released today. It takes some work to have your tenure with a team include less hits (and walks) than errors.   (0-11 with 3 errors.)  Even pitchers are impressed.

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President Obama to Congressional Republicans in a speech today. Stop being mad all the time. Stop just hating all the time. Come on.” And the GOP responded “Hey, lay off our mission statement.”

A pikture is werth a thowsand werds.

July 26, 2014

jersey

The above picture is from Troy Tulowitzki jersey night at Coors Field.

(My friend Oscar B. says,   “What are they smoking in Colorado…?  Oops, never mind. )

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But Colorado IS a purple state. So maybe spelling really is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

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There’s a new reality show called “Dating Naked.” For all those who find “The Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” franchises too intellectual.

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A Colorado man was arrested for DUI. On a lawn mower. The cops said he was bar-hopping. He says he was just cutting some weeds. Maybe more like looking for some weed?

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As if women didn’t love George Clooney enough already. Quoted in People on his engagement to Amal Alamuddin:.”I’m marrying up.”

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Jay Paterno, explaining why his dad didn’t want to “wrongly accuse” Jerry Sandusky despite multiple allegations “When you know somebody for so long, it’s awfully hard to believe bad things about someone, when every sign in his life points the other way.” “Every” sign?! Guess denial is genetic.

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Carmelo Anthony told ESPN that his decision to return to the New York Knicks was about winning, and not about the five-year, $124 million contract. And then Melo left the interview to go back to work selling that bridge in Brooklyn.

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Headline at “The Onion”  “Roger Goodell to NFL Players: Murdering your Wife Will Result in Automatic 4-Game Suspension. ”  Of course, it has to be satire. Because if you’re a star the suspension would be reduced to three games max.

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So if the #SFGiants strategy is to lure the #Dodgers into a false sense of security before the trade deadline, the strategy is working.

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#NBA considering 7 day All-Star Break next season. Why not cut season from 82 to 60 games and make it a 1 month break? #toolong

Rough night for #SFGiants pitching but hard to win when your only chance to score might have been on penalty kicks. #kershaw

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Maybe it’s the curse of Will the Thrill. Uggla is wearing 22 #retire22 #SFGiants

 

Curt Clawson, a new GOP congressman, just assumed Nisha Biswal and Arun Kumar, two high level U.S. government officials, were from India. And told them what “their country” should do. Well, I suppose it could be worse. Clawson didn’t lecture them about Indian casinos.

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A SWAT team stormed a passenger plane at Toronto airport because of an alleged threat. Shockingly, this threat did not involve Rob Ford.

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Fox Sports says they will no longer be advertising with Entercom Communications Corp after Kevin Minhane, from their Boston station, blasted Erin Andrews with derogatory and sexist language after the All-Star game, and then blasted her again in his apology. So waiting for Stephen A. Smith to tell Erin Andrews not to provoke such insults?

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For the anti-Stephen A. Smith, I give you Keith Olbermann “Eventually after all the b-words and ho comments and penis remarks and nudity demands and waitress jokes, the most powerful national sports league in the world can then get away with suspending a wife-beater for just two games….. The message to the women who the league claims constitute 50% of its fan base is simple. The NFL wants your money. It will do nothing else for you.”

Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

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Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

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If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

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At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

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From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon'”

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Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

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With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

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Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ‘emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

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Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

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In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

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Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”

 

 

Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?

 

 

-Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

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Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.

 

 

Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)

Not so Tidy – Whities?

June 28, 2014

Apparently Wimbledon is enforcing the all white clothing rule so tightly this year and some women players have have to remove their colored undergarments and go braless. Is this too much tradition, or a shameless grab for television ratings?

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President Obama on the GOP. They “don’t do anything but block me and call me names.” And John Boehner said “Okay, who leaked our mission statement?”

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Tiger Woods has missed the cut  for the Quicken Loan Tournament. Which means golf ratings this weekend will be almost as high as those of the  World Cup in the US after Tuesday  if Belgium wins.

 

Randy Moss has been hired as an associate football coach by his son’s high school. Not sure exactly what the former NFL star is supposed to teach the kids. But pretty sure it isn’t humility.

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ABC has fired Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy from “The View.” Many women are thinking “How terrible.” Many men are thinking “Who?”

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Really? There’s now a Kim Kardashian video game?! Assume the goal is to make a big a** of yourself? #KimKardashianHollywood

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ESPN had a spoiler alert – basically that the second ranked woman in the world was knocked out at Wimbledon. To be a real spoiler don’t people have to know who the #2 woman in the world is?

 

A marijuana food truck plans to open soon in Everett, a suburb of Seattle, Washington. Talk about a symbiotic operation.

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Fred Dicker, a NY Post columnist, referred to a white state senator as a “spear chucker” for the New York City Democratic delegation, which is mostly black. And then said it was not a racial slur. Right. Will Dicker then suggest “spear chuckers” for a new name for Washington’s football team?

 

Joaquin Arias is 1 for 18 as a pinch-hitter for the #SFGiants. That’s not a “pinch-hitter”, that’s a “pinch-outter.”

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Clients called saying they would be late to an appointment at our office. They were lost because their GPS had broken. If only there were an inexpensive, simple, portable way to get directions. #Imissmaps

 

One of the Miss America contestants this September was originally the runner-up, and only found out she won her state pageant 6 days later, when organizers realized a vote count error, and dethroned the original winner. You guessed it, Miss Florida.

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Wonder if the new Miss Florida was crowned by the Supreme Court?

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A federal judge upheld Colorado’s new gun laws that mandate background checks for all gun sales and limited the capacity of ammunition magazines. From the ruling; “Of the many law enforcement officials called to testify, none were able to identify a single instance in which they were involved where a single civilian fired more than 15 shots in self defense.” Common sense, what a concept.

 

 

And finally a no snark item for a change.

 

Apparently actress Amy Adams, who had a 1st class seat on American Airlines, saw a uniformed soldier at the gate and quietly got the flight attendant to switch their seats so Ms. Adams ended up in coach. Wow. A celebrity making news that doesn’t involve an arrest, a wardrobe malfunction or a sex tape. Very well played, Amy,

Crime$ and mi$demeanor$?

May 14, 2014

90 people were arrested today, 50 in Florida, for Medicare fraud schemes estimated to total $260 million. But to be fair, the Florida folks say they were just training to run for Governor.

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The NBA on last night’s OKC-LA officiating hiccup: “There has to be ‘clear and conclusive’ evidence. Since no replay provided such evidence, the play correctly stood as called with the Thunder retaining possession.” Translation, “you really think we’re going to admit to changing the outcome of a playoff game?”

 

The NCAA penalized Oklahoma State because the football program’s Academic Progress Rate score has dropped below the minimum standard. So the Cowboys will lose the equivalent of one day’s practice a week. But OSU avoided worse sanctions, like making the players actually go to class.

 

 

Joran van der Sloot, the main suspect in Natalee Hollowa’s disappearance, is serving a 28-year sentence in Peru for killing a local woman. And now he’s getting MARRIED. To a woman he met while in prison, who is pregnant with his child. Can we title this “Not so smart woman, exceptionally foolish choices.”?

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Really? NY Daily News headline today “Nicole Kidman sparks plastic surgery rumors at Cannes?” So what’s their next headline? “This internet thing could be really big!”?

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MLB changed the call on David Ortiz’s 7th inning hit that fell between two fielders in right field during Yu Darvish’s near no-hitter from an error to a single. Just wondering, if it wasn’t a star like Big Papi, would MLB even have considered it?

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A girl escaped with scrapes and two little boys are in stable condition after wind gusts swept their inflatable bounce house into the air with them inside. Fortunately they fell out relatively quickly although the inflatable house eventually rose 50 feet and drifted several hundred yards before landing. Some will see this story and think “lawsuit”, others will think “how do I make a bounce house do that?”

 

Dallas sports anchor Dale Hansen is back. Not doing much for the Stone Age reputation of older white Southern men: “When Sam was seen celebrating with his family — and boyfriend — the world apparently shook, we almost collided with the sun, and yet SOMEHOW, we have survived another day.”-

 

 

The Missouri legislature just passed legislation requiring women to wait 72 hours to have an abortion. If they really wanted to stop abortion maybe all these mostly male legislators could pass a law making men wait 72 hours to have sex.

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Donald Sterling now says if he can keep the Clippers he won’t have to worry about an NBA players boycott. He really thinks the team will keep playing? Heck, looks like they quit already with a minute left in game five.

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Ben Sasse, who just won the GOP Primary to run for U.S. Senator from Nebraska, says on his website “Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances. He will fight for the right of all Americans to act in accordance with their conscience.” Let me guess, in all his time at Harvard and Yale, one class Sasse never took was “Comparative Religions?”

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Leland Yee is still on the ballot as running for California Secretary of State. And no doubt more than a few Californians will say “Hey, I know that name from somewhere,” and vote for him.

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The Pac-12 is set to announce that it will move their league championship football game to the 49ers’ new Santa Clara facility. Well, this will guarantee fans at Levi’s stadium the ability to see top college-level talent this year, other than the Redskins in November.

Sam I Ram.

May 10, 2014

Sign of progress, it seemed absolutely irrelevant today that Michael Sam’s boyfriend is white. #Thetimestheyareachanging #MichaelSa

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A thought about Michael Sam being drafted. Yeah, maybe some in the media are making too much of it. But changes don’t get to be small deals without the first ones being big deals.

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CNN commentator Margaret Hoover, on the Rams’ drafting Michael Sam, that she hopes the message will be for high school kids that “they don’t have to be afraid of choosing to be gay or choosing their dream in sportsmanship and professional sports.”   Just like Jackie Robinson helped kids not be afraid of choosing to be black.

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A.J. McCarron, who is now engaged to Katherine Webb, has been chosen in the NFL draft by Cincinnati. And Brent Musberger has already inquired about broadcasting Bengals games.

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Today is Mother’s Day. Or as they say in the NBA “So many women, so little time.”

 

-It may be “No Country for Old Men” but it sure is a Western Conference Semifinals for old men. #Spurs

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#SFGiants Pablo Sandoval has as much a chance of getting a hit w/ 2 strikes now as Donald Sterling does of getting another NAACP award.

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For the second time in 3 days, planes have hit birds at LaGuardia Airport. No injuries were reported. “Speak for yourselves,” say relatives of the birds.

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Elin Nordegren, speaking at her Rollins College graduation, mentioned that her divorce “was right after I had taken communication and the media… I probably should have taken more notes in that class.” Tiger is just glad Elin wasn’t taking lessons in how to swing a golf club.

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A South Carolina high school teacher has been accused of having sex with three different students in one day. Clearly these budget cutbacks have our educators stretched too thin.

 

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Headline “IndyCar Grand Prix of Indianapolis Marred by Huge Crash.” And a lot of casual racing fans are thinking “Marred?”

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The NBA apparently believes it can also remove Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly from ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. If private phone conversations are a problem, how much more slippery a slope is being married to an a**hole?

 

Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

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