Posted tagged ‘Florida jokes’

Not ready for Prime-time?

July 15, 2015

Alabama coach Nick Saban, whose Crimson Tide lost to OSU in the college football playoffs, says his “team chemistry from the SEC Championship Game to the playoff was affected by something.” And Saban thinks it was the approaching deadline to declare for the NFL draft. Well, it sure wasn’t their studies.

The reviews are in, and apparently Amazon’s ‪#‎PrimeDay‬ is a ‪#‎Subprimeday‬.

This trend is not in keeping with the God-like nature and dignity of cats. But, okay, it’s funny. #trumpyourcat
trumpyourcat
Donald Trump was bragging today that he is worth $10 billion. That must give such a warm fuzzy feeling to creditors of his four companies that have declared bankruptcy.

 

A Republican congressman from Florida is positing Trump’s candidacy is really a Democratic plot.  Not likely. As if anyone thinks the Democratic party is that organized.
The IRS reported the hold time for customers trying to reach customer service reps between Jan 1-April 18, 2015 was 23 minutes, and that only 37% of taxpayers who called actually got through. Wow Are they trying to run a government agency or an airline?

Florida sure seems determined to win the internet this week. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “A Florida man was arrested for having sex with bound and gagged alligator. He’s writing a book about it called: “50 Shades of Everglades.”

 

 

Dr. Steven Hotze, president of Conservative Republicans of Texas says that gay marriage is to “celebrate those that participate in anal sex.” And they will teach it to kids in schools. Kids will be encouraged to practice sodomy in kindergarten.”

So Hotze thinks that previously kids have been encouraged to practice vaginal sex in kindergarten?

 

 

 

Nothing against Caitlyn Jenner.  Absolutely respect her decision, and she made a very good speech.  But the Arthur Ashe award on the ESPYs should have gone to Lauren Hill. Period.

 

Not that anyone saves a prime space in their trophy room for an ESPY. But okay, Madison Bumgarner loses “Best Championship Performance” not to American Pharoah, but to LeBron James, who DIDN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. I call bullsh*t. Irrelevant bullsh*t, but bullsh*t nonetheless.

(and then they give best male athlete to Steph Curry.  Not a bad choice.  But so Lebron  beats Madbum but  doesn’t even win the best basketball player of the year…?  #anythingbuthonoringabaseballplayerwhoisntDerekJeter

Get in the game?

July 7, 2015

At the Minnesota Zoo, a grizzly bear threw a rock into a five-layer barrier hard enough to shatter the glass. Fortunately, there were no injuries. And the bear has been offered a tryout to pitch for the Red Sox.

 

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson says he and his singer girlfriend Ciara are following “Jesus’s playbook” and not having pre-martial sex. So even God is telling Wilson not to attempt a pass?

 

 

Coral Springs, Florida police say they have dropped an investigation into the NY Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paulafter, who badly injured his hands with illegal fireworks, because it was “outside their jurisdiction.”
Possible translation. “With all the crap going in this state, you think we have time to worry about some idiot who’s already punished himself more than our judicial system ever could?”

 

The PGA said today that this year’s PGA Grand Slam tournament will be moved from Los Angeles’s Trump National Golf Club. Amazing. Who knew it was possible to be un-PC enough to upset an organization run primarily by and for rich white men?

Paula Deen is back in the headlines, this time for tweeting an four-year-old picture with her son Bobby in “brownface”, dressed up as Ricky Ricardo. Well, it’s not as if Deen has had any experience with social media before… ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Donovan McNabb, 38, was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI in 2 years. Sounds like the former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings’ QB is trying just a bit too hard to act like he still belongs in the NFL

 

From Marc Ragovin  “One of the Mets’ upcoming promotions is “Emoji Tee Shirt Night.”  With their offense I assume all the emojis will be frowny faces

Rant time. Okay, again, the random shooting of a young woman on a San Francisco pier was awful. No question. But one woman is killed by a disturbed man who should have been deported and the GOP calls for a massive overhaul of immigration procedures.

Whereas nine people are killed in church by a disturbed man who should never have had a firearm, and the GOP sees no need to revisit gun control laws….

Blowing in the wind.

June 23, 2015

Now Rand Paul and Donald Trump have joined the call to take Confederate flags down and put them “in a museum” Guess it’s hard to ignore the way the wind’s blowing when it becomes a full-fledged hurricane.

 

 

Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who has indicated his distaste for that “damn Confederate flag” before, today tweeted “The South Carolina football team, players and coaches strongly support Governor Haley’s decision to remove the flag from the capitol.”

Well, so now we’ve finally got a statement from one of the REALLY powerful men in the state.

Regarding Trump’s decision to speak up against the Confederate flag, did that furry thing that lives on his head whisper in his ear? ‪#‎combingaround‬?

Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says he is also immediately taking steps tio remove the Confederate flag from state specialty license plates. Don’t get me wrong, I think all this getting rid of the flags is a good idea. But it is also all a lot easier than dealing with the gun problem.

Rush Limbaugh is now proclaiming that removing the Confederate flag is about “destroying the south” Actually Limbaugh should be sending flowers to the politicians in South Carolina as no doubt their actions will increase the number of angry white men who listen to him.

Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs), whose son plays football at UCLA, was arrested for attacking a coach with a kettlebell weight. Talk about helicopter parents, this guy was trying to be more of a bomber plane parent.

Gmail has a new feature, “undo send,” which allows users to delay emails 5-30 seconds so they can be canceled and retrieved, Of course, if you’re mad (or drunk) enough to send an email you’ll later regret, hard to imagine calming down (or sobering up) enough in 30 seconds to change your mind.

 

Okay, clearly there are more important issues in the world. But regarding these pleas from teams to vote for their potential All-Star players “Vote 35 times right now.”

So how in the world did they come up with 35 as the magic number. Even in Chicago folks are thinking that’s excessive.

 

The Minnesota State Fair has released its list of new foods for 2015. Including caramel chocolate-dipped bacon ice cream bars, mac and cheese cupcakes, and a burger dog with hot dogs, hamburger meat, bacon, cheese and peppers on a bun. And no doubt ticket stubs from the fair will be good for a discount at your friendly cardiologist.

 

Iowa is granting  permits to acquire or carry guns in public to people who are legally or completely blind. Texas and Florida are thinking “Why didn’t we think of that?”

 

 

New York City is apparently probing Whole Foods Markets over allegedly overcharging customers for the last five years. Uh, isn’t overcharging customers part of Whole Foods’ mission statement?

 

 

Oops, Russell Athletic apparently accidentally produced some maroon and white jerseys with both Mississippi State and Texas A&M logos on them. Were they counting on fans at each school not being able to read?

 

 

 

 

This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Marc Ragovin: “Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) has passed away. I guess 86 was enough. “

Oh brother.

June 16, 2015

Jeb Bush is trying to distance himself from those who worry he will simply repeat his brother’s presidency. And somewhere Dick Cheney is cackling “People actually BELIEVE W. was President….”

Bob Uecker, 81, was hit by a ball during pregame batting practice and suffered a mild concussion. Maybe he should have been standing more than “just a bit outside” of the batting cage.

Guessing a few people will be fired in St. Louis over their hacking of the Astros. But as to punishment for the Cardinals? Rob Manfred may call Selig for advice on setting up one of those “Blue Ribbon Committees.” (The one on the A’s potentially moving is only into its sixth year.)

Really bad timing for the St. Louis Cardinals to get caught.. This year investigators will believe the Astros actually had information worth stealing.

As of today, eight Kansas City Royals are in to start this year’s All-Star game. Along with former Royal Nori Aoki. New commissioner Rob Manfred wants to wait until voting is over, but said MLB is “responsive and open to change if in fact it appears we get a result that is not consistent with the goals of the system that is currently in place.”

All-Star voting might be flawed? I’m shocked, shocked….

Donald Trump has officially entered the 2016 Presidential race. And Jon Stewart is thinking about calling Brett Favre – “How do you do that ‘un-retiring’ thing?”

Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign has just begun, but how long until someone demands a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head. Pretty sure it wasn’t born in the U.S.

United Airlines says they are moving their “P.S’ – Premium Service – hub from JFK to Newark for transcontinental flights. So for all those frequent fliers who have been complaining about delays and traffic to-from JFK and wondering if it could be any worse? The answer is yes.

In California, Scott Wilk, a Republican assemblyman who was opposing the state budget on Facebook accidentally voted FOR it, and then posted on Twitter. “My wife is right — I can’t multitask!” Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about the rest of Wilk’s legislative actions. Not to mention his driving.

A man from Mims, a small town about an hour from Orlando, was drinking at a BBQ with friends when he decided to check if there was still a round in the chamber of his gun – by putting the weapon to his head and pulling the trigger. There was.

Services are pending. Back on your game, Florida,

2-out 2-run double today for Casey McGehee. Maybe that’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬‘ solution, only let ‪#‎McGehee‬ bat when there’s no chance for a double play.

GOP House members are trying to zero out federal funding for the Title X family planning program, which provides birth control and other reproductive health services to individuals, mostly young women, earning less than $25,000 a year. Right. Because if we all agree one goal is to reduce unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions, no doubt denying poor women birth control will stop them having sex….. ‪#‎facepalm‬

 

So Neil Young told Donald Trump to stop using his song “Rocking in the Free World” as a campaign theme. Maybe Young should offer to rewrite another song in a way that would be perfect for the Donald: How about “Ego and the Damage Done?”

A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader today pleaded guilty to having sex with a 15-year-old boy. The boy’s name has been not been released because he was a minor, protecting his privacy but no doubt also denying him bragging rights with his friends.

 

Congrats to the ‪#‎GoldenStateWarriors‬ Now, will they vote the ‪#‎Clippers‬, who knocked off the ‪#‎Spurs‬, a playoff share? ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

Got to give ‪#‎LebronJames‬ for playing with basically a six man bench. Even Snow White had seven dwarves. ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

The ice have it

June 2, 2015

The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa.   Scalpers should have a field day.  If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.

Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca.  But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning,  most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”

Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.

 

June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?

As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.

So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? ‪#‎Blatter‬

 

Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?

Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.

Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”

Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”

An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.

So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?

Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.

 

 

Drink up

May 14, 2015

 

Florida Gov. Rick Scott has signed legislation that allows the sale of “growler” beers, i.e. 64 ounce containers, in the state. “Growlers” are apparently legal already in most other states. Wonder if the hold-up was the worry that Floridians would consider them single-servings? ‪#‎staggeringyourground

The Patriots are claiming that the locker room attendant whose texts implicated Brady in Deflategate only called himself “the deflator” because he was trying to lose weight. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Steelers FB Le’Veon Bell to ESPN on his three-game suspension over marijuana possession and DUI. “I made a mistake,” Bell said. “I’m going to just have to do my time.” Whoa. This guy sounds way too responsible to be in the NFL. ‪#‎wherestheexcuses‬?

Fans who try to order a customized Patriots jersey from NFLshop.com with “DEFLATOR” on the back are receiving an error message: “We are unable to customize this item with the text you have entered. Please try a different entry again.”

Where are the defenders of free speech on this one?

(These jerseys are $294.99  plus tax and shipping.  My father points out, They are refusing to do “deflator” for $295?  That is a gross violation of their most sacred principles.)

Missouri House Speaker John Diehl has resigned after texts obtained by the Kansas City Star indicated a sexual relationship between him and a college freshman intern. Well, at least the intern is female. ‪#‎Whenwilltheyeverlearn‬ ‪#‎secrettextisanoxymoron‬

(and of course, Diehl is a married -for now- father of three, virulently anti-gay marriage types, who led the fight to override Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s veto of a bill that would allow employers not to cover birth control because of THEIR religious views. )

Drought math: Apparently it takes about 1,800 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef. only 32 gallons for a glass of wine. And 17 gallons for an average shower. So if Californians can just eat a little less and drink a little more, we can all be happier and cleaner.

George Zimmerman now apparently is thinking of leaving Florida because he gets “trouble” there. Okay, who wants to volunteer here? South Carolina? Arizona, Texas…?

 

At the time of writing this, the Padres are in a RAIN delay in San Diego. Wonder how long it took the grounds crew to find the tarp? ‪#‎whatisthiswaterfallingfromthesky‬? ‪#‎wehaveatarp‬?

Apparently the engineer of the Amtrak train that derailed was going 106 MPH when he should have been going 50 MPH. Why weren’t there safeguards in place? Why wasn’t there a second engineer maybe to tell him to slow down? Budget cuts.

But Congress is on it. Today the House voted to cut another $252 million from the Amtrak budget.

Just thinking, so if PTC (Positive Train Control) is too expensive for now…. how much would it cost to have an assistant engineer also in the Amtrak engine? ‪#‎alotcheaperthananaccident‬

So former NFL QB A.J. Feeley says Brady and the Patriots have been cheating with the footballs for years. Well, first, New England says they didn’t do it this time, and second, if they had of course it was just a one-time impulse that they had never tried before….. ‪#‎howcanyoudoubtSaintBrady‬?

 

Nick Saban on the new college football playoff system, said it was “great to be a part” of it. But he also thought “by having a playoff we would minimize the interest in other bowl games, which I think is sort of what happened and I hate to see that for college football.” Uh, does Saban think most people EVER cared about 90% of the other bowl games?

 

After Paul Pierce hit a 3 pointer with 8.3 seconds left in the Wizards-Hawks games for the lead he looked at the Atlanta bench and called “Series.” Because it would have taken too long to say “Mission Accomplished?”

Decisions, decisions

May 8, 2015

So let’s see, if Tom Brady gets a 3 game suspension, he misses the Steelers, Bills and Jaguars games….. if he gets a 4 game suspension, he misses the Cowboys. New England vs. Dallas. That’s a tough one. Many Americans are going to have a hard time deciding which team they would rather see lose.

 

 

No other QB in the NFL so far has said anything of substance on the Tom Brady “Deflate-gate” issue. But I wonder how many of them have been on their phones deleting texts?

Pretty clear that the Patriots didn’t need to cheat to beat the Colts in the AFC championship game. Of course, Nixon didn’t need to cheat to beat McGovern either…. ‪#‎whenwilltheyeverlearn‬ ‪#‎coverupworsethanthecrime‬

 

Besides deflecting Deflate-gate questions, Tom Brady commented yesterday on his no-show at the White House last month, saying if the Patriots won again “there’s no doubt I’ll be there. They should just give me a little more planning in advance.” Gosh, and how could anyone think the man is disingenuous?

The poor get poorer? Dante Fowler Jr., #3 pick in the 2015 NFL draft, tore his ACL less than an hour into the Jaguars’ rookie mini-camp. On the bright side, looking like Jacksonville should have another high draft pick next year..

A new WSJ/NBC poll found that 52% of Americans would be comfortable with a evangelical Christian presidential candidate, but 61% would be comfortable with a gay or lesbian president. ‪#‎Fabulous‬ ‪#‎thetimestheyareachangin‬

Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham is set to announce his candidacy for 2016 on June 1. #justsayin

A GOP state senator from Vermont was arrested on Thursday after he allegedly solicited sex from two women in exchange for overdue rent. Presumably not the way Republicans in the state wanted to stop Bernie Sanders from getting all the headlines.

 

At Heathrow Airport’s Terminal 2, a misting globe will dispense fragrances through the air that represent Brazil, China, South Africa, Thailand and Japan, as those are destinations passengers can reach from Heathrow.

Hmm…. out of Terminal 2 you can also take United nonstop to Newark, New Jersey…..

 

How the mighty have fallen. Today’s ESPN headline. “Tiger birdies final hole to move above cut line.”

Apparently Texas has gotten too many of the headlines: A principal of a charter high school was arrested after she was caught with a student, partially unclothed, and allegedly smoking marijuana. Nice trifecta, Florida.

Spanish police caught a woman trying to smuggle an eight-year-old boy across the border inside a suitcase. And U.S. airlines just got another idea for transporting discount fare passengers.

Warning on a new SPF 30 moisturizer – For External Use Only. Well, glad they cleared that up…. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎toomanylawyers‬

 

From Bill Littlejohn  ” Leaked from Tom Brady’s appeal to Roger Goodell. ‘To air is human, to forgive is divine.”


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