Posted tagged ‘Florida jokes’

Springing about a yard – or a century – forward?

March 29, 2015

A man called into an Indianapolis radio station saying he supported the state’s new law and turned away a gay couple at his restaurant. “Yes, I have discriminated…they can have their lifestyle and do their own thing in their own place or with people that want to be with them.” So I presume he also asks straight couples to prove they are married, and to each other?-

 

More on Indiana. Perhaps all who don’t want any LGBTs in their businesses should put their names on a list somewhere. Because even in the Midwest, there are gay police officers and firefighters. And they would presumably like to know which business owners not to offend by entering in a emergency situation.

 

Russell Wilson is back at Spring Training with the Texas Rangers. So if he reaches third base can the Rangers call on Marshawn Lynch as a pinch-runner to score?

The ‪#‎NigelHayes‬ dictionary expedition continues  And hey, the Wisconsin Badgers may not win it all. But who knows how many of their young fans may end up learning enough SAT words to get them into college.

Tom Brady posted a “scary” video of him jumping off a cliff while on vacation in Costa Rica. But have to presume his family was in a pretty safe resort area. If Brady wants to do something really terrifying, he could always sign next with the Raiders.

A report says that major U.S. banks are so upset at Elizabeth Warren that they are considering withholding their maximum allowable $15,000 per bank donation to Democratic Senate candidates. Shocking. Does anyone think major banks can’t find a way to donate more than $15,000 to a candidate?

An Arkansas state rep has a bill to ban California wines. Because he says a new California law that bans eggs where hen cages are too small for the birds to turn around is a “substantial burden” on Arkansas’s egg industry.

Hmm. This could result in California wineries losing sales of at least a dozen boxes of wine.

Seven people were shot at a spring break party Friday night. Well, this is what comes of students going to a dangerous place like Mexico. Oh, it was Florida. ‪#‎Nevermind‬.

 

Okay, Indiana, just imagining this scene. So 13 guys want to book a table for a supper. And one of them even asks if afterwards he might have a basin and towel to wash the other men’s feet. Sounds a bit odd. Guess it’s now legal to turn them down.

 

Ouch. Timing is everything, and not always in a good way. Germanwings has pulled ads from London’s Underground subway. The slogan? “Get ready to be surprised.

Clearly the referees in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬ realize that that reason we turn into these games is to see foul shots.

 -
A report in a British paper indicates that Russian President Vladimir Putin has a “Internet Research Center” has employees who do nothing but flood Twitter and Facebook accounts with propaganda, each needing to write at least 130 comments a day. Another example of American exceptionalism, here the GOP can accomplish the same thing for free with people who watch Fox News.

 

Seven people were shot at a spring break party last night. Well, this is what comes of students going to a dangerous place like Mexico. Oh, it was Florida. ‪#‎Nevermind‬.

So many people questioning ‪#‎WouldKentucky‬ beat some NBA teams. Maybe we should be questioning ‪#‎WouldKnicks‬ beat some of these top NCAA teams

Out of place.

March 13, 2015

John Madden was upset about Will Ferrell’s spring training escapades, feeling that the aging comic actor had no place on a baseball field with real players. Wait until someone tells Madden that A-Rod’s back in Yankees camp.

A meth lab was found inside a backpack in a Muncie, Indiana Wal-Mart bathroom. Police presumably are looking at surveillance videos for anyone who bought all five seasons of the “Breaking Bad” DVDs.

SF 49ers CB Chris Culliver has now signed with Washington. Now, I know Culliver has issues, but how much of a train wreck does your team have to be before the Redskins look like a better option?

 

Dear gawd. As Candlestick Park is being demolished now even more memorabilia is being sold online. Not just seats, but parking lot signs, lockers, traffic cones, and, no joke, the IV holder from the home team locker room. What’s next? Urinals?

Capital New York is reporting that Wikipedia pages about alleged police brutality, like the Eric Garner case, have been altered from NYPD computers at 1 Police Plaza. Not only are crooks stupid, but also sometimes so are the people chasing them…. ‪#‎IPaddresswhatIPaddress‬?

So keeping her emails on a private server may confirm to many Americans that Hillary Clinton is secretive, calculating and not always 100% honest. Which actually might be qualities many people want in a President.

Why there is no satire, from a new paper on “Attention decay in science” by researchers in Finland and Palo Alto, California: “The exponential growth in the number of scientific papers makes it increasingly difficult for researchers to keep track of all the publications relevant to their work. Consequently, the attention that can be devoted to individual papers, measured by their citation counts, is bound to decay rapidly”

Translation, this study has found there are too many studies.

 

 

Pablo Sandoval, in response to a former teammate calling him out over his ego on a Facebook post. “Who is Aubrey Huff?” Apparently no one ever taught the Panda, who has three World Series rings despite playing in only two of them, and who signed a $95 million contract with Boston, that no one likes a sore winner.

So two judges have ruled that the difficult question of whether Uber and Lyft are employees or independent contractors must go to juries. Great, so a difficult legal decision that will affect the livelihoods of tens of thousands of people may well be made by 12 people who aren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Univision fired talk show host Rodner Figueroa after he said that first lady Michelle Obama “looks like she’s from the cast of Planet of the Apes.” Was Figueroa angling to get a job at FOX News?

So safety Antrel Rolle signed with the Chicago Bears because of what he said was a “sign from God”, an Orbitz ad on his phone with discount fares to Chicago. Does that mean Rolle would have signed with the SF 49ers if his phone had an ad for RIngling Brothers?

St Petersburg police determined that a 25 year old man who was fatally shot on a bicycle died because a gun he was carrying in his jacket pocket accidentally went off. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Busted and broken.

March 5, 2015

Hunter Pence may have a broken arm after being hit by a pitch from Chicago Cubs prospect Corey Black. So is this the Cubs’ strategy to win the NL this year? Start eliminating the competition?

Harrison Ford has apparently been injured when a small plane he was piloted crashed onto a Southern California golf course. Was Ford trying to adjust his left blinker at the time?

Some very smart high-energy dogs, like Border Collies and Jack Russell terriers, can be great to have around, but they are easily bored. Which means when they have nothing to do, they FIND something to do. Now, how would you like to be Bruce Bochy with a sidelined Hunter Pence hanging out in the SF Giants dugout?

And we thought the Jeter circus was over. Today Brian Cashman said – “As far as I’m concerned, and I’m not the decision-maker on this, that captaincy should be retired with number 2. I wouldn’t give up another captain title to anybody else.” So Jeter isn’t just the most-hyped Yankee ever, he’s the most important Yankee ever? ‪#‎sowhenwillNYmakeJetersbirthdayaholiday‬?

With all this flap over Hillary’s emails, wonder if Joe Biden is begging reporters to ask about HIS emails? Somebody, anybody want to read them? Please?

The woman who was sexting with Anthony Weiner now is claiming that an unnamed Democratic politician from the Midwest sent her texts begging to be “to be tied up and left in a closet.” Ah for the good old days when men just picked up prostitutes in hotel bars.

 

Your daily Florida item?    A Fort Myers man is claiming he fatally shot his neighbor in self-defense. Then he put the body in his pickup and drove to his lawyer’s office. Come on, Texas and Arizona, catch up!

So regarding Daniel Murphy and his “gay lifestyle” comment, what’s a “gay lifestyle?” Know gay working parents and couples who seem to have a lifestyle that doesn’t differ much from my heterosexual friends. Is he implying single gays hook up more often than single heterosexuals. Think the success of Tinder would indicate otherwise…..

Meanwhile, regarding that “heterosexual lifestyle, ”  Chris Soules, the “Bachelor”, is apparently now going on “Dancing With The Stars.” Is it just me, or is it seeming increasingly likely this guy isn’t ever going back to farming in Iowa?

The Pittsburgh ‪#‎Steelers‬ are apparently set to release ‪#‎TroyPolamalu‬. So sad, forget the face, he’s been the hair of the franchise.

A Delta flight today landed at New York’s LaGuardia airport and skidded off the runway into a snow bank. So did they at least give passengers credit for the extra distance traveled in their frequent flier accounts?

LaGuardia announced today their airport was is closed due to a runway “incident.” “Incident?!”. Right. Better I guess than saying “We gotta broken plane that’s stuck in a snowbank. You gotta problem with that?”

 

From T.C.  “A Delta flight skidded off the runway this morning during a steady snowfall at New York’s LaGuardia airport. Passengers evacuated safely and were bussed to a nearby Delta terminal. The ones that paid the $5 Bus Fee, that is.”

Fantasyland

March 2, 2015

An internet hoaxer posted a video of a naked man apparently jumping out of Buckingham Palace. Silly hoaxer. It would have been a lot more believable if the video had purported to show an early morning shot of a naked Prince Harry climbing back in.

You know it’s a nice ‪#‎DowntonAbbey‬ finale when you find yourself in a Christmasy mode in March.

Firefighters put out a small blaze near the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland. Unfortunately for many parents, the ride was not damaged.

-

#‎stayclassy‬ A police officer is being sued for allegedly coercing a woman shoplifting suspect to repeatedly have sex with him or else be arrested. Nope, this is New Jersey. But hope this doesn’t give anyone in Florida ideas

 

 

While Jimmy Rollins, 37, signed with the Dodgers, he said today the NY Mets were second on his list. Guess Rollins decided he wasn’t so old that he needed guaranteed Octobers off?

Marshawn Lynch said he “expected the ball” for the Seahawks’ last Super Bowl play. And Pete Carroll is thinking, NOW he speaks, when I’d preferred him to have responded ‪#‎ImjustheresoIdontgetfined‬ .

This was Parent’s Weekend at Stanford University, and it was 70 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto. Biggest problem for students – getting their parents to leave.

 

California Senator Dianne Feinstein today called Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu “arrogant”, adding “I think that arrogance does not befit Israel, candidly.” Waiting for the first clown in the car to attack Feinstein for being anti-Jew.

 

Scott Walker on Fox News Sunday, when asked about his statement in 2013 that he could see a path to citizenship for undocumented workers, said he has changed his mind and is no longer for “amnesty.”

You know, I do believe people change their minds. But I think I’d believe these clowns a little more if just once before the primaries some politician changed his or her mind in a way that didn’t align them more with their party’s base.

The Onion has a story about American Airlines phasing out complimentary cabin pressurization. Which of course is absurd. An airline would never do that. Although no doubt American and others are racing to see who can be the first to offer “standard” air, and purified “premium” air for a surcharge.

 

Have to wonder, how many people who proclaimed Je Suis Charlie couldn’t take SNL’s relatively minor parody about a girl joining ISIS?

 

 

One direction?

February 18, 2015

GM Trent Baalke on Jim Harbaugh: “We’ve moved on…. I feel very good about the direction we’re headed and I’m sure he does as well.” Yeah, actually it wouldn’t surprise me if Harbaugh feels VERY good about the direction in which the 49ers are headed…..

So in Boston, they are offering free Red Sox tickets to residents who help shovel show away from fire hydrants. If New York gets another storm they are thinking of a different strategy, anyone who doesn’t help with the snow will get free Knicks tickets.

 

The beagle that won “Best in Show” at the Westminster Dog Show, and thus became “America’s Dog”, is actually Canadian. Another immigrant taking something away from Americans. I blame Obama.

A New Jersey high school teacher has been indicted by a grand jury for allegedly having for sex with 6 different students. 6 students?! So clearly we do have a serious problem in our schools with overcrowding.

Browns coach Mike Pettine just said of Johnny Manziel’s issues, that “we had the same information everyone else in the league had. It turns out to be a deeper-rooted thing than we thought.” Is Cleveland planning on changing their mascot to an ostrich?

Mississippi just passed the “Jesus Take the Wheel” act, which would exempt drivers of mid-sized church buses (up to 30 passengers) from having a commercial driver’s license. Well, this is one way to get more people praying on the road.

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Salomon for the THIRD time. And this is the type of marriage some conservatives are working so hard to defend?

United Airlines plans to slightly increase capacity this year. And apparently 50% of the growth will come from the installation of “slim line” seats on 450 planes. Will United be installing these additional seats on their aircraft with a shoehorn?

 

Some are criticizing Joe Biden for putting his hands on Ash Carter’s wife’s shoulders. And really, it wasn’t very Presidential of him. Clearly Joe should have also given her a neck massage.

 

In Orlando, a woman was arrested when she walked naked down a residential street and stopped traffic by masturbating in public. Some Americans responded to this story with shock, others with “that’s Florida,” and Bostonians with “You can walk outside without a coat on?”

Scott Walker says that criticizing him for dropping out of college during his senior year is “elitist.” I think I like Sarah Palin’s “higher calling” better.

Little Caesar’s is offering a new deep dish pizza which is not just topped with pepperoni and back, its crust is wrapped in bacon. Does it come with free sides of statins and beta-blockers?

 

From Marc Ragovin. “I would put more stock in A-Rod’s letter of apology to Yankees fans if he hadn’t written it in disappearing ink.

From T.C.  Handwriting experts have analyed A-Rod’s written apology and concluded that he writes like a girl and has a massive ego. So does this mean he had his ex-squeeze Madonna pen his apology for him?

No means no taunts?

January 3, 2015

Oregon football players will be “disciplined internally” for their “No means no” chant after the Ducks’ Rose Bowl win. Well, good to see football is sending a strong message to its stars. We’ll cut you some slack on alleged sexual assaults. But don’t even think about taunting alleged rapists.

After the big New Year’s Day bowls including playoffs,  Friday’s games were the Armed Forces, Taxslayer, Alamo and Cactus Bowls. About as attractive to most fans as following the Super Bowl with the Pro Bowl.

.

Speaking of attractive, reports from North Korea that a Workers’ Party official has married Kim Jong-un’s little sister. And you think it kills you to be around YOUR in-laws?

A Georgia woman remains in critical condition, after her police chief husband called 911 on New Year’s Day to say he’d “accidentally'” shot her twice. , But he had actually only shot her once. So the other time he “accidentally” missed?

Going to be below freezing for two nights in a row in Northern California. Makes sense, a number of conservative Southerners thought it would be a cold day in hell when neither an SEC or ACC team was in the college football national championship.

Under the old BCS system, FSU and Alabama would have almost certainly played for the National championship, while OSU and Oregon would have played for a #3 ranking in the Rose Bowl. So how long will it take the SEC to call for a “return to tradition.”?

 

 

UCLA against #11 Kansas State, continued a ‪#‎Pac12‬ trend of showing the Eastern Sports Programming Network ‪#‎ESPN‬ what they’ve been missing all year.

 

Washington looked so bad in ‪#‎CactusBowl‬ against Oklahoma State the Huskies have just been named honorary member of SEC West.

Bummer, Donna Douglas, who played Elly May on the “Beverly Hillbillies” has died. Stewed squirrel on the menu in Heaven tonight!

.

Harry Reid, 75, was exercising when an elastic band on a piece of equipment broke. The senator then fell and broke “a number of ribs and bones in his face.” And millions of Americans are now tearing up their New Year’s resolutions because they’re WAY too dangerous.

 

-A man and woman were trapped in a closet for two days until police rescued them. And then they found out the closet wasn’t actually locked. You guessed it, Florida (If only they had been armed.)

 

Apparently Carmelo Anthony, struggling with a knee injury, might shut it down for the remainder of the season. Only about 30 games later than the rest of the Knicks.

 

As we approach Wild Card Weekend…. Bill Littlejohn, on Ndamakong Suh winning his suspension appeal by saying that his feet were numb and that he didn’t know that he was stepping on Aaron Rodgers.So I guess we call the incident ‘Numb and Numb-er’

God bless America. A U.S. District Judge ruled that Florida must start issuing same-sex marriage licenses next week. And clerks in at least five counties say they’ll end courthouse weddings for EVERYONE to avoid the order. Since it’s Florida, wonder how much it would help if gay couples wanting to marry showed up with guns?

 

 

And while the internet is back up (just, which is how this was posted),  Who’d a thunk I’d ever write this in 2015? Comcast has been down for over nine hours in Palo Alto. Fortunately I’m not cut off because I have a Blackberry. ‪#‎happydinosaur‬

Threats and counterthreats

December 20, 2014

North Korea wants to investigate the Sony cyberattack jointly with the U.S. and has threatened “serious consequences” if we refuse their offer. So will Obama’s counter demand to set the hackers loose on FOX News?

(and to be bipartisan about this joke, followed by MSNBC.)

University of Florida QB Treon was arrested for allegedly driving a car without a license, and apparently he has never had a driver’s license. Makes sense, passing the test is probably a lot harder than getting into Florida.

 

Why there is no satire. Doug Amos, a local sports-talk radio host about the first ever Camellia Bowl tonight in Montgomery, Alabama between Bowling Green and South Alabama. “I thinks it’s going to be the biggest event Montgomery has ever seen. ‪#‎yeshedid‬ ‪#‎facepalm‬

Texas A&M has lost their top defensive football commitment. DT Daylon Mack, ranked as the #11 high school prospect by ESPN, says he has decommitted from the Aggies, and now may end up at LSU. Where no doubt if he doesn’t get enough playing time he will grumble about broken promises.

University of Florida QB Treon was arrested for allegedly driving a car without a license, and apparently he has never had a driver’s license. Makes sense, passing the test is probably a lot harder than getting into Florida.

 

Roger Goodell told the Chargers, Rams and Raiders — each of whom thought they could file relocation applications for the 2015 season starting Jan. 1, that the earliest any team could move to Los Angeles  would be 2016.   And LA fans who watched the Raiders this year are thinking “Well, we dodged one bullet.”

George Clooney has come out with a petition asking Sony to release “The Interview” and to stand up to extortion. Meaning two things: 1. George has the courage of his convictions. 2. He hasn’t written anything embarrassing in an email.

NBA commissioner Adam Silver said in an interview that tanking is really a myth: “I absolutely don’t think any team is trying to lose.” So when did the commissioner get his prescription for medical marijuana?

Khloe Kardashian has now apparently been linked to former Stanford and current NBA Robin Lopez. If true, we can title this one as a chapter of “Smart Men, Really Foolish Choices.”

Michael Vick says he thinks Jameis Winston could be the NFL’s next big star. Well, the FSU QB has already gotten his first arrests out of the way..

 

 

from Marc Ragovin  “The Federal Communications Commission has rejected a petition requesting that a Washington-area radio station be banned from using the word “Redskins” over the air because the name isn’t indecent. Guess the commissioners haven’t watched Washington game this year.”


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 268 other followers