Posted tagged ‘election jokes’

Time passages.

June 4, 2014

As of yesterday Donald Sterling is being sued by another ex-employee who claims she was his mistress. The woman is represented by Gloria Allred.   So congrats to all those who had June 3 in the pool.

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Almost as soon as the polls closed in the California primary, the media could report that Governor Jerry Brown looks like a runaway winner this November. It’s a far cry from Brown’s first election, when the results had to come in by telegraph

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After 90 years, WGN radio has decided not to carry the Chicago Cubs anymore. So have they decided to go with programming that’s more likely to have a happy ending, like opera?

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Who says Sarah Palin and Democrats never agree on anything? Apparently last week at the Republican Leadership Conference, Palin suggested that “Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson should run for president.

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The NFL is ditching Roman numerals for their Super Bowl in Santa Clara, and instead of “L” will go with the Arabic number 50. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

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When the totals are in, perhaps 300,000 Californians will have voted for Leland Yee for secretary of state. Now, not only has Yee been indicted on money laundering and weapons charges, he dropped out of the race over two months ago. Maybe this really does prove, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

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“Breathe Right” nasal strips will co-sponsor Saturday’s Belmont Stakes, and hand out at least 50,000 of its nasal strips to fans at the race. If California Chrome wins will the NFL and MLB add the strips to their lists of banned performance enhancers?

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Donald Sterling on the $2 billion sale of the Clippers, “I feel fabulous, I feel very good.” Wonder how many other professional team owners are wondering how they can get taped making bigoted remarks and get a similar price.

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#SFGiants get game-winning home run from a guy in starting lineup hitting .048 #JuanPerez. So who’s #Bochy betting on for #BelmontStakes?

 

A 20 year veteran of the San Jose, CA police force was arrested after managers of a Public Storage started clearing out his storage space because of overdue rental payments and found perhaps 20 pounds of marijuana. Title this “Dude, when was my rent due?”

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bowe Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

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Well, of course it makes sense that the GOP is angry Congress wasn’t consulted about the hostage deal. Because Reagan always made sure Congress knew about all the hostage deals he made… Oops. Never mind.

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

(My friend Linda points out that Oliver North said it was OK that Reagan negotiated with the Iranians because he never admitted it. …)

 

Don ZImmer has passed away at the age of 83. Guessing they won’t let Pedro Martinez anywhere near his coffin.

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From Marc Ragovin  “For all those who beliieve that Bowe Bergdahl is being overly glorified after willingly abandoning his unit , bear in mind that he is now entitled to medical care through the VA system.

Upon  being told that he is now eligible for medical care through tthe VA system, Bowe Bergdahl immediately requested to be sent back. “

Stupor califragilisticexpialidocious

November 7, 2013

Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s numbers are up since he admitted to smoking crack “in a drunken stupor.” And somewhere Anthony Weiner is thinking “why didn’t I just say I sexted ‘in a drunken stupor’?”

 

Chase Harrison, who just turned 18, was elected to the school board in Millburn, NJ. Good for him. And he’s probably too young to do anything in a drunken stupor.

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Blockbuster says they will close its 300 remaining U.S. stores by Jan 2014. Americas were shocked – Blockbuster still has stores?

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All this talk about the Virginia governor’s race and what it means for Obama, the Tea Party, etc….. Going with the most obvious answer, isn’t it just possible that voters, especially women, simply disliked Terry McAuliffe a little bit less than his opponent?

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Newly-elected Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe has appointed a former Republican State Senator to his transition team. Makes sense. McAuliffe owes the GOP a big “thank you.” Had they not nominated Cuccinelli, Terry probably would never have been elected.

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Amazing to hear the accusations that Jonathan Martin is “soft.” Especially since for his college career the man’s job was to protect the blindside of his QB – who might have been just a bit of a target – the QB was Andrew Luck.

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Nice story for the evening. On Friday, Jonathan Moscone, 49, son of former SF Mayor George Moscone, will marry Darryl Carbonaro, 46. Somewhere both Moscone and Harvey Milk are smiling.

 

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Tim McGraw joined 7 other country music stars on stage at the CMA’s to honor Taylor Swift, saying at one point she’d opened for all of them. It was an impressively large number… although far less than the number of ex-boyfriends she’s written songs about.

(Gib Worley asks “Didn’t she open for them too?”)

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Starbucks says the company will hire 10,000 veterans and military spouse over the next five years. Figuring if people can handle Iraq and Afghanistan, they can handle some of these prima donnas who have such exacting requirements for their precious coffees?

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A new line of Candy Crush actually candies is expanding and soon will be available in stores across America. I can see it now, “I’m not fat, I’m just at level 232.”

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Why are all these men claiming that Jonathan Martin is partly to blame for being bullied? It’s about as unimaginable as claiming that a woman who is sexually harassed at work must be doing something to cause it….. Oops, never mind.

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Just wondering, if Jonathan Martin had gotten angry enough to beat up Richie Incognito and put him on the Dolphins’ injury list, would many consider that a better response? #NationalThugLeague

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Former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, who says he’s changed, but “Now I have to sit back and take it, listen to people say I was abusing my players? I was an idiot, but I never abused anybody.” Uh, if he thinks that Rice is still an idiot, and he hasn’t changed much.

Big winners and losers?

November 6, 2013

 Chris Christie in his victory speech says it’s about showing up. And that “you don’t just show up six months before an election, you show up four years before an election”. Which might be a pre-emptive explanation why he might spend much of the next four years in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina etc.

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Chris Christie won, but the Houston Astrodome lost and will be demolished. It would be tacky to make a joke about a mixed night for supersized entities.

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Will anyone EVER top this political excuse? Toronto mayor Rob Ford is now admitting he smoked crack “probably a year ago” but it was because he was in a “drunken stupor” at the time.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s approval ratings actually went up after it came out that he smoked crack cocaine. So how many members of Congress sent their staffers out on the street for a little…shopping?

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ESPN headline about how poor Ohio State might go undefeated but still might not make it to the BCS title game. Uh, here’s a hint for the Buckeyes. Next time don’t make your out-of-conference games against Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal and Florida A & M.

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Berkeley police said a fight between two Cal football players in the locker room resulted in one being taken to a hospital. Bears fans were shocked, they didn’t think a member of this year’s team could actually hit anyone.

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Wannabe Darwin award of the week, as in lucky he wasn’t shot: A 21 year old Central Connecticut State University student accidentally caused a three hour lockdown at the school when he walked through campus dressed as. Snake Eyes costume from G.I. Joe for Halloween. Complete with tactical vest, camouflage pants, mask, plastic sword and handgun….

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How quickly things can change. Before last weekend, Miami Dolphins’ fans thought the worst thing happening with their team was a four game losing streak.

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in a recent YouGov poll, only 15% of Americans said they had ever excused themselves “from a social event or a conversation to go to another room to check email.” The other 85% presumably just used their phones during the middle of the event or conversation.

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Joy Johnson, 86, the oldest woman to run the NY Marathon, died the next day. And coach potatoes around the world are saying “See, exercise is dangerous to your health.”

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NY Giants safety Antrel Rolle on the Dolphins’ bullying scandal: “Was Richie Incognito wrong? Absolutely But I think the other guy is just as much to blame as Richie, because he allowed it to happen.” Well of course, Martin should have brought a gun to the locker room, in fact, let’s arm all NFL players…..

 

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Now, who knows how this will all come down, but if the NFL decided to suspend the Saints’ Sean Payton over bounties, going to be really interesting to see what they do with Dolphins’ Joe Philbin and his locker room.

 

Jeff Ireland, GM of the Miami Dolphins, probably had no direct involvement with the current scandal. But Ireland is the man who in 2010 asked Dez Bryant, born to a 15 year old who did time for drug dealing, if his mother was a prostitute. What a classy team….

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And then there’s the short form reaction to the whole Dolphins mess: men are pigs.

T’is the season…

November 9, 2012

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a bit of a break between the election and holiday shopping season?

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Silver lining to stores increasingly planning to open on Thanksgiving: It means an excuse other than football not to talk to your relatives.

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So “The X Factor”, which purports to discover talent, is now co-hosted by Khloe Kardashian. Anyone but me find that kind of an oxymoron?

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Two rushing TD’s for Andrew Luck  Thursday night.   Who does he think he is? RG3?

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Meanwhile,  Joe Namath is the latest to publicly question why the NY Jets aren’t using Tim Tebow more often. And some Jets fans are so frustrated they’re thinking “Joe, I wanna kiss you.”

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In college football , Cal (3-7) is playing Oregon (9-0) in Berkeley this Saturday, The Ducks have outscored opponents 176-29 in the first quarter so far in 2012. So a simple tip for Bears fans who want to see a close game – get there early.

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A USC student football manager was suspended for deflating five game balls below regulation levels (which apparently makes them easier to throw) for last week’s USC-Oregon game. Insert USC ‘no real balls” joke here:

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Guess the media is still getting used to slower news days after the election. A CNN.com headline – “Thanksgiving planes likely to be full.” (Uh, can anyone remember a year when they weren’t?”)

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Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered  they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials.

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USC coach Lane Kiffin now insists publicly that a student-manager who intentionally deflated footballs (to make them easier for Matt Barkley to throw) against Oregon, acted completely on his own. Wonder if Kiffin added privately “Wish I’d thought of that before we played Stanford.”

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NY Jets CB Antonio Cromartie guaranteed the Jets will be playing in the 2012 postseason. What, like he guaranteed the eight mothers of his children that he wouldn’t get them pregnant?

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Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it?

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From my friend Tom Dodd:  Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office.

Repeats.

November 8, 2012

So when the World Champion SF Giants and President Barack Obama meet in 2013 at the White House, will both be thinking “Didn’t expect to see you here again.”?

 

 

Serious meltdown from a disappointed Karl Rove last night over the election.    At least he isn’t a Lakers fan.

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Mark McGwire will be the Los Angeles Dodgers’ next hitting coach. I guess this is the end of L.A. fans taunting the S.F. Giants about their association with PEDs and Barry Bonds?

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Some things never change. Florida is heading for a recount. Take all the time ya’ll want this year….

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Not that it matters nearly as much as in 2000. But if the Supreme Court is going to end up giving Florida’s electoral votes to the GOP, can they announce it now and save the state a lot of recount money?

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Get the sense Mitt Romney won’t be campaigning for Chris Christie’s re-election next year? The New Jersey governor is bristling at suggestions he cost Romney the White House with his praise for Obama and when asked what went wrong for Mitt replied “He didn’t get enough votes.”

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The law of unintended consequences. Does the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado and Washington mean a huge advantage for free agent recruiting with the Rockies, Mariners, Nuggets, Broncos and Seahawks?

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Former Texas football coach Darrell Royal, 88, has died. Will always remember the story when the Longhorns were way down at halftime and players expected a blistering speech. Allegedly Royal never came into the locker room, until the bell rang, when he stuck his head in and said “Well, girls, shall we go?” Texas won the game.

 

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Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana last night. Well, it’s high time!

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Puerto Rico last night backed a referendum calling for U.S. statehood. Wonder how many Americans wouldn’t mind exchanging them for Florida?

 

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Well after the election we can all get back to a little Yankee bashing since in 2013 New York will once again have the highest payroll in baseball….. Uh wait a minute, scratch that. Your turn, Dodgers.

303.

November 7, 2012

Electoral votes.  Pending Florida,  which is heading for another recount.  Y’all take all the time you want this go around.

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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?

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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44.   So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?

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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.

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Late this evening ,  Mitt Romney called  President Obama to concede. As a Californian  I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-

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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.

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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?

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For that matter CNN  also said  Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed.  . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.

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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”

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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.”    Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?

 

 

From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”

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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.

All over but hanging the chads.

November 6, 2012

Really?!! One of the countless political emails I have gotten today says “Don’t forget to vote.” Oh, is there an election today or something?

Facebook has a little banner saying “Tell friends you’re voting in the 2012 Election.” Uh, I think in my case they already know.

 

Can you imagine the difference in turnout if every voter got a free lottery ticket?-

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Who says Mitt is out of touch with modern America. Campaigning in front of 8,500 people in Virginia, Mitt said “I am looking around to see if we have the Beatles here or something.”

 

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You know, had we just let the South secede the biggest issue after tonight’s election would be if U.S. President Obama would sign a treaty with Confederacy President Romney, or maybe Santorum.

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Across the pond, the English must be watching all these U.S. voting controversies – early voting lines, provisional ballots, alleged fraud, etc – with all the amusement of parents watching their “oh-so-independent” children screw up when they try to do things on their own.

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There have been so many versions of Mitt Romney in the 2012 election sometimes I have to wonder if the only consistent thing voters have to base their decision on is that he’s the white one….

 

-Just think, after today’s election many Americans can get back to the issues they really care about – like Lindsay Lohan’s possibly being charged for allegedly lying to the police about her car accident this summer.

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So tomorrow what will the undecided voters of this country do for attention? Stand at the counter in front of us carefully perusing ALL the baked goods at Starbucks?

 

-Owner Jerry Jones says he will never step down as GM of the Dallas Cowboys. This is great news, for the rest of the NFC East.

 

 

A players’ poll had Rex Ryan overwhelmingly the most overrated coach in the NFL. Really? To be overrated some people actually have to think you’re good.

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Andrew Luck, whose Colts are now in the playoff picture, and who broke the single-game rookie record for passing yards, just gave himself a midterm grade of C. Man, those Stanford professors must have been tough.

Election eve.

November 5, 2012

Just think, in two more days none of us will be receiving countless emailed solicitations for political donations. Those emails will be replaced by countless solicitations for Christmas shopping.

 

 

Actually, if we really want to increase voter turnout and stimulate the economy, maybe what stores should do is offer a discount to anyone this week who can provide proof of voting?

 

Just two more days, and all the U.S. undecided voters can go back to annoying the rest of us over more difficult decisions like “Paper vs. Plastic?”

 

One of these years Republicans will try to win an election by fielding a good enough candidate to make them WANT to allow as many people to vote as possible.

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Karl Rove is already blaming Hurricane Sandy for a potential Romney loss? If so, would that give further credence to those who have been saying for a while “God is coming, and boy is She pissed?”

 

New BCS standings are out, and five of the top eight teams are from the SEC. How did those other three get in there?

 

 

Washington, D.C. is hoping to return to some semblance of normalcy after the election. The Redskins, alas, are already there.

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Stanford changed quarterbacks Saturday and shut out Colorado 48-0. And many NY Jets fans are shouting “Did you see that, Rex Ryan?!”

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Kevin Hogan reminded Stanford football fans Saturday of what it was like to play with a little bit of Luck.

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Got to love polls – sports version. Stanford, #15 with the AP college football rankings – beat Colorado 48 to ZERO. And was dropped to #16.

 

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Another Saturday score, Oregon 62, USC 51.   How did it miss my attention that the NIT men’s basketball tournament must have started this weekend?

 

Sarah Palin’s SARAH PAC donated $5,000 to Mitt Romney’s campaign…on the last day of October. So until then was she an undecided voter too?

 

Andrew Luck set a new single game rookie passing record today with 433 yards. Maybe Kevin Hogan got him fired up too?

 

 

Chris Christie, facing criticism for his perceived support of Obama this week said he is voting for Romney, but “If the president of United States comes here and he’s willing to help my people and he does it then I’m gonna say nice things about him because he’s earned it.” Heresy!

(Charlie Crist was drummed out of the GOP for less.)

 

 

T’is the season.

November 2, 2012

In case anyone thought it’s only the U.S. that is out of control with early holiday shopping – in London, Santa’s Grotto is open at Harrods tomorrow as Father Christmas arrives – November 3!

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Despite long lines and urging from the League of Women Voters, Florida Gov. Rick Scott on Thursday today refused to extend early voting through Sunday. Of course, if he could Scott would probably deal with the lines by dismissing the 19th amendment.

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As Americans deal with countless last-minute emails asking for campaign money, more people on both sides of the aisle might start agreeing with John McCain. When he said that Citizens United was the Supreme Court’s “worst decision ever.”

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Steve Spurrier now says that Alabama could beat some NFL teams. Well, based on his tenure with the Redskins, maybe a lousy NFL team IF Spurrier was coaching them.

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Watching Chris Christie and Barack Obama together – whoever thought a potential election game-changer might include the words “Jersey Shore?”

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It’s only two games into the NBA season. But who do the newly star-studded Los Angeles Lakers think they are? The Dodgers?

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Here’s a bipartisan cheerful thought. In five days, we won’t have to read a single news story involving polls….. (Until candidates start running for 2016, which should take about a week.)

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Well, this ought to take care of the stereotype of NFL players as pampered and out of touch: Since their usual hotel still doesn’t have power, the Pittsburgh Steelers now will fly into Newark Sunday morning and bus to the Meadowlands for a 4:25pm kickoff against the NY Giants. Oh, the horror.

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Proving that there is nothing in America that isn’t an excuse for a sale – Macy’s advertising an “Election Day Sale.” (Shame there isn’t a further discount if you can prove you have voted.) Standby for “Hurricane Sandy” sale to follow.

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Mitt Romney’s campaign dismissed New York Mayor Bloomberg’s endorsement of President Obama as inconsequential. Gosh, if they said that earlier maybe Bloomberg might have made up his mind sooner.

Better to be lucky than good?

October 10, 2012

The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason.  And their batting average tonight went DOWN.  (3 for 32.)  And they didn’t have a hit with a runner in scoring position.  And they won 2-1.

Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching (and bad opposition fielding) bails out awful hitting.

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This is the weirdest survival story with no hits since Taylor Hicks.

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Normally when a team wins with as little offense as the SF Giants displayed tonight, penalty kicks are involved.

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Heck,  President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason.

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Maybe not exactly the headline they were hoping for. Stacey Dash has come out supporting the GOP Presidential ticket. And the headline reads “Clueless star supporting Romney.”‘

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A dance instructor has been arrested and charged with running a prostitution business out of her studio in Kennebuckport, Maine, where the Bush family has their summer compound. Can we call it a “trickle-down/economic stimulus?”

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A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg.  If he doesn’t make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver?

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Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky’s 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn’t start 30 years earlier.

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According to a L.A. Daily News columnist, when USC WR Robert Wood took a shot to the head last week, he had to answer 3 questions before returning: 1. Who is the current president? 2. What is today’s date? 3. What is 100 minus seven, minus seven, minus seven? Wow, those questions could bench half the players in the SEC.

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Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “kids, make up your minds.”

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Fully expect numbers to bounce all over the place between now and November 6. But really, all this hype over people who have enough time on their hands that they don’t hang up on pollsters?

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Now the political hype switches to the V.P.  debate. Where a win is so critically important. Just ask Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.

Dying for attention?

October 8, 2012

In Florida, the 32 year-old winner of a roach-eating contest died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms.. Darwin would be so proud. (And what’s scarier than eating roaches? The fact that this guy was a swing-state voter.)

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Could it get any worse for the NY Jets? Well, tonight there was this tweet ““Hey JETS!!!” I’m available! I’m ready, willing & able!” The tweet, no joke, was from Terrell Owens.

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Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, “In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts.” Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy.

 

Nice job tonight,   Baltimore Orioles.  Good to see that it is still possible to wear Orange and Black on a baseball diamond and score runs.

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TBS announcers actually bragging that for “the first time, MLB network has the playoffs.” Really? Am surprised they don’t tell folks who can’t afford the network and have to follow the games onlne or on radio to eat cake while they’re at it.
(Of course,  let’s be fair, if Roger Goodell could put the Super Bowl on pay-per-view, he would.)

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A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that’s not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for.

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Mitt Romney said today in a speech that the U.S. needs to be “more assertive” in the Mideast. Apparently we haven’t started enough wars and spent enough trillions yet.

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Monday should have been one of Mitt Romney’s favorite holidays: In many ways Christopher Columbus was the first to really profit from offshoring.

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In Berkeley,  Monday was  “Indigenous People’s Day.” Although these days the California schools are in such bad shape the harder goal may not be learning history but to get kids to be able to spell “Indigenous.”

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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select reporters and other media representatives.

 

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A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader will avoid jail in a plea deal where she admitted having sex with a 17-year-old who was her student at a Northern Kentucky high school. Many were outraged by the deal, especially other boys who wanted her sentenced to teach at THEIR school.

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Another thought about last night’s game at A T and T Park. Was T.S. Eliot really an SF Giants fan before his time “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”

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Maria Shriver is reportedly wearing her wedding ring again, despite Arnold’s new autobiography detailing several affairs and lies. Maybe Schwarzenegger has convinced her that he really is a true Kennedy.

 

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Gary M.   starts this last one off:  “After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have split up. He’s 67, she’s 64…divorcing in their 60′s seems a bit short-sighted.”

TC  adds “That joke went over my head.”

Have at it folks,  this could go on for a while.  The whole thing could be a little much.

Lost?

September 29, 2012

CNN Headline today “Apple seems to have gotten a little bit lost.” Uh, that’s probably because they used their own Maps app.

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Keegan Bradley and Phil Mickelson won a Ryder Cup match with a record tying 7 and 6 victory over Lee Westwood and Luke Donald. Prompting many Americans who heard the news to chant “USA, USA, USA – uh, I have no idea what a 7 and 6 victory means.”

 

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In a statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that “fans deserve better.” Tell us about it, said Cleveland Browns fans.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger said his estranged wife hasn’t read his tell-all book, but added “I think that Maria is, you know, wishing me well in everything I do.” Well, maybe UNTIL she reads the book.

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How many people heard “Fox airs suicide live” and thought they were showing another Mitt Romney 47% speech?

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TLC plans 3 new episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Great news for tv viewers who find “Keeping up w/ the Kardashians” too intellectual.

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Karl Rove said this week of the Presidential campaign. “There are 11 different ways to win without Ohio.” True, and about 100 ways to lose.

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Ben Affleck interviewed about his 7 year marriage to Jennifer Garner: “For a successful marriage, one, a man needs to know who the boss is, and two, he needs to know it’s not him.”

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Bud Light has new “Limited Edition NFL Kickoff” cans. If you save one and display it on your mantle, you might be a Redneck.

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The head coach of a Tustin, California children’s Peewee (10-11 year olds) football team has been suspended, along with the league president, after players allegedly were offered $50 in cash to knock opponents out of games. Shocking. What ever happened to rewards like doughnuts and Slurpees?.

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Congrats to Homer Bailey on his no-hitter tonight. But the way the Pirates are playing should the game have an asterisk?

Baby Beretta

September 12, 2012

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy and his current girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, have had a baby girl. Her name, no joke, “Breeze Beretta Johnston.” See, there are worse fates than to be born to Snooki.

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At a press conference today, Apple unveiled their iPhone 5, with “a taller Retina display, faster LTE speeds, and a newer smaller connector.” And millions of baby boomers said “I have no idea what any of that means.”

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Oops, the pretty picture of warships below U.S fighter jets the last night of the Democratic convention turned out to feature Russian ships, and the DNC has apologized. Stupid mistake. But it wasn’t caught by any politicians who are veterans. Of either party.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg. “In New Hampshire they renamed a pond called Jew Pond. Now it is called ‘Should It Kill You to Call Your Mother?’ Pond.”

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It’s a long nearly eight weeks to the election. But good news for folks on both sides – Jason Sudeikis, who does a great job with Romney and Biden, is returning to SNL.

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Notre Dame announced they will leave the Big East and join the ACC for all sports except football. Anyone else wish these universities would spend as much time worrying about tuition costs and academics as they do about what conferences they play in?

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A cat crawled unseen into a family’s suitcase and actually made it alive,   as checked luggage,   from Columbus, OH to Orlando  FL.  Wonder if the airline is trying how to retro-actively charge a pet fee?

 

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Another liberal voice weighing in on Libya? “I don’t feel that Mr. Romney has been doing himself any favors in the past few hours. Sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go.”- Columnist Peggy Noonan.

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Budweiser is donating $5,000 for every SF Giants walk off win this year. Although recently they should be donating $5,000 for every time Jeffrey Affeldt comes in in relief – they sell more beer.

 

 

Mitt Romney,  saying he really isn’t anti-taxing the rich ”  I can tell that you people at the high end, high income taxpayers, are going to have fewer deductions and exemptions. Those numbers are going to come down, otherwise they’d get a tax break. And I want to make sure people understand,  I am not reducing taxes on high-income taxpayers.”

Leaving aside the Biden-esque length of the awkward sentence, wonder if one of the exemptions  Mitt wants to reduce  would be offshore accounts?

WWW.STUPID.COM

August 20, 2012

It just gets stranger.  Now a story has emerged that Melky Cabrera hoped to use a fake website and a product that didn’t excuse, to claim that he had ordered a tainted supplement by mistake.  And thus he would not be suspended….    But, apparently the scheme was as poorly executed as his use of the testosterone.

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A thought on Melky’s website idea to beat the PED charges? Wouldn’t it have been easier to say he found the supplements when he was pushed into that lifeboat?

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Wonder how many other major leaguers have gotten to work on their own websites.

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Ah cellphones. Hard to think that it was less than 20 years ago that if you wanted to share a long, obnoxious conservation with everyone within earshot in a public place, you actually needed to be yelling at someone right next to you.

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According to the NY Post, the Red Sox are now saying a text message sent from Adrian Gonzalez’s cellphone to ownership complaining about Bobby Valentine, was really instigated by former catcher Kelly Shoppach. Ah technology – we’ve moved from “I got the stuff from his locker.” to “he used my phone.”

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Rep. Todd Akin, running for Senate in Missouri, is against abortion in case of rape. But he “understands from doctors, that’s really rare. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Okay, even by Florida and Arizona standards, this dude is crazy.

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Shame we can’t put Akin in a locked room with some of the men who have said “if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”?

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The more I think about this Todd Akin rape-pregnancy comment, the more I’m surprised. Not that he’s a Neanderthal. But that as a candidate for the U.S. Senate he hasn’t learned to keep his more extreme beliefs quiet until after the election.

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The Houston Astros, with MLB’s worst record at 39-82, fired manager Brad Mills and two coaches last night. Could have been worse, they could have made Mills stay for the whole year.

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As the ads ramp up for the 2 months of the campaign, voters especially in swing states may to want remember this quote about Citizen United: “the most misguided, naive, uninformed, egregious decision of the United States Supreme Court I think in the 21st century.” From that noted liberal John McCain.

Close?

June 6, 2012

At the time of writing this post, California’s Proposition 29, which would put an additional tax on cigarettes and other tobacco products,  is too close to call.

Or, as cash-strapped smokers  may be saying if the tax passes, “Close,  but no cigar.”

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Whatever the outcome in Calfornia, as has been true in other states, turnout was so low you’d almost think voters think our politicians are spending someone else’s money.

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The Boston Celtics beat the Heat in Miami Tuesday night 94-90.  Most Floridians haven’t been this disappointed since a local Denny’s ended their “Early Bird Special” 10 minutes early.

So much flopping in these NBA playoffs I’m wondering when the refs will start handing out red and yellow cards.

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Jury selection is underway for former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky’s child sex abuse trial. Assume jurors will get, along with their stipends, a voucher for a daily hot shower.

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A U.S. official says a drone strike in Pakistan’s has killed al-Qaida’s #2. Wonder who will be the first in the GOP to blame Obama?

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The #2 title in al-Qaida may be the only position with less job security than being named Oakland Raiders’ head coach.

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Wonder how many people are unfriending the friends who suggested they buy Facebook stock?

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A recent survey says most Facebook users disregard advertising on the site. Facebook has ads?  -

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Fans of the Los Angeles Kings, who have won the first games of the Stanley Cup, 2-1, 2-1 and 4-0, taunted New Jersey Devils fans with large cardboard cutouts of Jersey Shore stars. Was that really appropriate? The Jersey Shore cast members are at least known for their scoring.

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Manny Ramirez’s 50 game suspension is over, but even with a third of the MLB season finished the Oakland A’s don’t have a timetable to bring him up from Triple A. Undaunted, Manny says he still expects to make a big contribution in the season’s second trimester.

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Mitt Romney said his personal Hotmail email account was hacked, after someone guessed the name of his favorite pet.

Okay, Mitt wants us to trust him to be the leader of the free world and lead us through tough times, and the man still uses Hotmail and an easy password?

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Rush Limbaugh is attacking Barack Obama’s ads that offer supporters a chance to win dinner with the Pres, his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour. Saying “The whole thing is a fraud. Anna Wintour is not interested what (the winners) have to think, neither is Obama or Michelle or Sarah Jessica.” Uh, as opposed to Mitt Romney and Donald Trump when they did their contest?

Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

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A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

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The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

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Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” -

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George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. -

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Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” -

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A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? -

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Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

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The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? -

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The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

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Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  -

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The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

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Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

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Cha-cha-cha changes…..

January 18, 2012

Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.

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Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”

A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.

But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.

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Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.

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Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?

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Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”

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High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.

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Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”

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n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?

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A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?

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The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.

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Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….

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More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.

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A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)

Fried-day night.

September 17, 2011

As we approach the weekend it is perhaps time to mark a momentous (and possibly very brief) occasion in the state of Michigan – for the first time in perhaps recorded memory, the Detroit Tigers, Lions and the UM Wolverines are all in first place.

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Whole Foods is introducing a new “Wellness Club” , with “lifestyle evaluation,” nutrition tips, classes and some discounts. The idea is to help shoppers “make educated and positive lifestyle choices that promote their long-term health and well being.” For $540 a year.

Note, the chain doesn’t talk about promoting financial well being, which would mean “Shop at a cheaper store.”

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Michele Bachmann made a brief appearance at a Marin county home today but was in and out of the Bay Area very quickly. Makes sense, Michele is anti-vaccine and she sure didn’t want to get “cooties.”

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Michele Bachmann, 55, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Friday and talked about her opposition to Rick Perry’s requiring girls in Texas to have the HPV vaccine. She said it was less about the shot than the “abuse of executive power.” Fair enough, anyone who looks closely at Bachmann’s forehead knows that neither she nor Nancy Pelosi has any fear of needles.

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Many Americans who are only casually following the GOP presidential race might wonder “Who’s Ron Paul?” But the candidate just got an ringing endorsement from singer Barry Manilow. Said most Americans under 40 “Who’s Barry Manilow?”

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Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose 15 minutes of fame comes from gatecrashing a White House party, have filed for divorce. Apparently Michaele is hanging out these days with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The whole story proves wrong those Americans who said “I couldn’t care less,” about the latest Kardashian wedding.

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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said today his team has “folded it up.” Which means he only noticed this about three months after the rest of us.

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But yikes, Friday night NY beat Atlanta in the 12-2 at Turner Field. If the Mets have folded it up what does that make the Braves – origami?

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Pat Boone spoke before the California GOP convention tonight. Makes sense, as the Republican party has become increasingly anti-evolution, it’s important for them to provide evidence that humans have co-existed with dinosaurs.

Dick Cheney is hard at work on the media circuit promoting his new book. And despite the rough year the President has had, Barack Obama at least can take comfort in knowing this sort of thing is one embarrassment he’ll be spared in the future. Because no one expects Joe Biden to be able to edit his thoughts down to one volume.

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TSA has fired or suspended 28 Honolulu airport employees after an internal investigation found the weren’t been screening checked bags for explosives. Yeah, but they got ALL those passengers who attempted to carry on four-ounce tubes of sunscreen.

The latest to “fear the beard” – NBC censors.

November 5, 2010

 “The Machine” joined Brian Wilson on the Thursday’s ” The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”  Even Conan said, “Okay, now that’s twisted.”

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Apparently there was talk of censoring “the Machine,”  until the powers-that-be realized no one was really watching the Tonight Show any more anyway.

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Good thing Wilson chose baseball over football. Tonight’s appearance would have guaranteed a fine from the No Fun League.

(assuming anyone reading this is familar with “the Machine.”  For his origins, google “Brian Wilson” and “Chris Rose” interview.  Maybe without children under 10 looking over your shoulder.)

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They’re still cleaning up from the parade and celebration in S.F.  But says T.C.  – “At least the field at A T and T Park isn’t frozen over, like it would be at Wrigley if the Cubs ever won.”

Actually, my friend Alex Kaseberg had a great joke on the same topic:

“Isn’t the San Francisco Giant’s AT&T Park beautiful? I’d say it is as beautiful as Chicago’s Wrigley Field in late October, but nobody has ever seen Wrigley Field in late October.”

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Longtime New York Mets clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels has been suspended due to allegations of illegal gambling.   So far, however, the allegations,  are only for betting on horse racing and football, not baseball.  Makes sense, who in their right mind would bet on the Mets?

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Considering how many Americans seem to think the new Congress will just waive a magic wand and fix everything, it’s surprising more of them didn’t vote for someone who had at least dabbled in witchcraft.

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For the last three elections, especially in Congress, many Americans have voted for “change.” Translation “make MY life better.” Wonder how long it takes them to discover that this latest group of electeds won’t instantly make that happen. Stand by for another vote for change in 2012.

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After Tuesday’s elections, President Obama offered the Republicans a post-election olive branch. John Boehner offered one back, tipped with curare.

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Bristol Palin apparently was too busy to vote in this election. Does this mean that when she’s done with all these reality shows Sarah’s daughter plans to run for Governor of California?

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Actually, Sarah Palin didn’t take the news too badly.  Of course the bar has been lowered a bit when Bristol says “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”

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George W. Bush will apparently appear on “Oprah” to promote his memoirs. The former President has now joined an exclusive club – those who have written a book before they read one.

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One definite bit of good news about SF Mayor Gavin Newsom’s election as Lieutenant Governor. No one will be able to accuse him this time of focusing on a campaign for his NEXT elected office and neglecting his duties. (The California Lieutenant Governor doesn’t really have any.)

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The NCAA has dropped one of the serious charges against Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez, and only added one year of probations to the team’s self-imposed punishment. Apparently looking at the Wolverines’ record lately, the NCAA couldn’t see that the school had gained any advantage from the infractions.

Now what…

November 4, 2010

 Now that the playoffs, World Series and parade are over, Giants fans are being asked “What are you going to do next?” Well, laundry for starters.

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And San Franciscans who miss their near daily dose of torture will now have to wait until the next 49ers game.

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Although they lost the World Series, credit should be given to the Texas Rangers. They played meaningful games longer into the fall than the Cowboys.

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 Giants closer Brian Wilson is scheduled to be on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on Thursday night. Depending how this works out Wilson could be the most famous beard in America, well, other than Katie Holmes.

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There was a huge turnout for the SF Giants’ victory parade on  Wednesday, which wasn’t surprising, since the team hadn’t won the World Series since 1954.

Which curiously enough was about the same year Jerry Brown was sworn in for his first term as Governor.

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Meanwhile, some pundits seem surprised that Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina haven’t announced what their future political plans might be.  But let’s be fair, a day after the election?  Meg and Carly probably haven’t even figured out if they are going to vote next time.

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There is a terrible Chase commercial running these days about a wedding couple in bad, talking about waiting all day for this. “This” being taking pictures of their gift checks with their camera phone, and depositing them in their Chase account.

It’s almost enough to make you miss political commercials.

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Well, now we know that Christine O’Donnell is really not a witch. Because even a mediocre witch should be able to cast a spell to change 50,000 or so votes.

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Carly Fiorina FINALLY conceded the California Senate race this morning, about 12 hours after all major networks called the race. She complained that she “couldn’t overcome the Democrats’ registration advantage.” Wonder how much of that “advantage” is due to the fact that people like Fiorina don’t register to vote until they run for office?

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From Marc Ragovin : “Meg Whitman’s new theme song “Can’t buy me gov.”

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So will the documentary about the 2010 campaign season, outside the West, be known as “The Hunt for Red November.”

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In his memoirs, George W. Bush said that, upset with media reports that he was justa puppet, he considered running without Cheney in 2004. But W. he asked permission, Dick just told him no.

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W. also said that the lowest point in his presidency was being criticized by Kanye West (who called him a racist.)   So, okay,  the former most powerful man in the world doesn’t quite have the maturity of Taylor Swift.


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