Posted tagged ‘election jokes’

Sailing on.

November 8, 2014

The stars of “The Love Boat” got together for a 30 year reunion to christen some of Princess’s new ships. After the photo, Gavin McLeod then reportedly told everyone “You punks get off my promenade deck.”

 

 

Apparently Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis is considering moving the team to San Antonio. Responded the Spurs, “There goes the neighborhood.”

 

 

RNC chair Reince Priebus said of the upcoming 2016 US Presidential campaign “If we have a candidate on the ballot who someone actually wants to have a beer with, we can win.” Right, because that worked out so well for our country in 2000.

 

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From Alex Kaseberg.  “Nike has cancelled their contract with Adrian Peterson who pled no contest to whipping his 4-year-old son. “Sure, we exploit children as slaves in factories,” said Nike, “but whipping them is going too far.”

 

Holland America Line has announced that they will add six special theme cruises in 2015 highlighting “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, that ought to do wonders for all the wives trying to persuade their husbands to take their first cruise.

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Mark Zuckerberg was asked wh he wears “the same T-shirt every day.” His response “I really want to clear my life to make as few decisions as possible. I’m not doing my job if I spend any of my energy on anything that is silly or frivolous.” And millions of men across America just found their new hero.

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Spectacular. In Palo Alto, close to the epicenter of Silicon Valley, the races for City Council and School Board are still too close to call, because the Santa Clara County Registrar of Voters is still counting vote-by-mail ballots turned in on Tuesday – they still have about 75,000 of maybe 140,000 to go. But hey, write an email about something and Facebook has an ad for it in about 10 minutes.

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Carton Ashton of the Toronto Maple Leafs was suspended 20 games by the NHL for a failed drug test Ashton claims he accidentally must have ingested a banned substance when he borrowed another athlete’s inhaler. Who says hockey isn’t a major sport. That’s truly a major league level creative excuse

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So now we have an argument over which SEAL in a supposedly covert mission actually shot Bin Laden? Does it matter? Guessing most of the GOP is okay with it being anyone as long as they don’t blame Obama.

 

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A black and white picture from 1838 is has emerged that is believed to be the earliest known photograph featuring a person. Wonder if was it taken at a high school football practice of Adam Vinatieri?

 

 

From T.C.  ” A Denver Broncos fans went to a game and disappeared at half time. Two days later, he was found 100 miles away. The man said that for no explainable reason, he had the urge to start walking towards Omaha. “

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The fourth student shot by a high school classmate in Marysville, WA in what basically was an execution-style killing this October, has died. And sadly, many Americans’ response is probably “If only the victims were armed.”

May the night light be with you.

November 7, 2014

Star Wars VII now has a title “The Force Awakens.” And given the age of many in the cast, presume the subtitle is “Every Few Hours in the Middle of the Night to Pee.”

 

Madison Bumgarner just won the “Silver Slugger” award for being the best offensive player at his position. But the SF Giants lefty didn’t get a hit in the postseason, including the World Series. What a disappointment.

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San Diego shortstop Everth Cabrera was stopped for allegedly driving under the influence of marijuana, and ultimately charged with resisting arrest. Of course, being a Padre, if he pulled the “Do you know who I am?” card, the answer might have honestly been. “No.”

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A-Rod reportedly admitted to using PEDS during a meeting with the DEA earlier this year. Yep, baseball normalcy has returned: The World Series is over and the Yankees are back in the headlines.

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The first NFL 2015 “International Series” game at Wembley will be the Miami Dolphins vs. the NY Jets. And Jets fans are thinking, “Can London just keep them?”

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John Boehner said that executive actions by Obama on immigration would “poison the well” for legislation. As opposed to that great bipartisan effort Congress has made with the President so far?

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A court today upheld gay marriage bans in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee. So in those last two states, men can still marry their sisters, just not their brothers?

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On Fox News, Condoleezza Rice criticized Democratic campaign ads aimed at African Americans in the South that featured Ferguson and the death of Michael Brown. She said she found the fear mongering “appalling” and “insulting.” Uh, okay Condi, but what about fear mongering in GOP ads aimed at whites about crime and immigration featuring minorities?

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said of freshman Jahlil Okafor “We won’t have him long. We’ll have him this year and then he’ll be one of the top [NBA] picks.” In other words, Okafor’s second semester professors might as well forget about getting those papers turned in.

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Wonder if Okafor will stick around long enough to learn to spell “Krzyewski?”

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Let the fun begin. Sources told ESPN that Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome testified under oath Thursday that he heard Ray Rice in June tell Roger Goodell that he hit Janay in a casino hotel elevator.  So let’s see, does the NFL commissioner claims amnesia or a concussion.

 

 

Jennifer Aniston apparently goes without makeup in her new film “Cake,” and called it “dreamy and empowering and liberating.”    And yes, imagine what a shocking change  it must have been – relying only on her personal assistants, trainer and esthetician.

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Lebron James is apparently “concerned” about the Cavaliers 1-3 start. Did he think it would be easy for the team to improve enough to be knocked off by the Spurs in the NBA finals?

Not so silent majority.

November 6, 2014

Mitch McConnell claims that after last night’s election “The Senate is going to go back to work and actually pass legislation.” And somewhere Ted Cruz is just giggling.

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So how long until Mitch McConnell figures out that it is now his circus AND his monkeys? ‪#‎Election2014‬

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Sounds like I posted too soon on the 2014 election fundraising emails ending. Just got the first asking for money for a recount. ‪#‎itneverends‬

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Chris Christie says he will make a decision “sometime next year” on running for President. Well, not sure if he can beat Hillary Clinton. But Christie is proving to be her equal in being disingenuous.

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You think it didn’t matter if you voted? Right now the candidates vying for the last seat on Palo Alto City Council, candidates with very different views and “slates”, are separated by about 30 votes. In a city of almost 60,000 people.

 

 

Alex Rodriguez reportedly paid a cousin $1 million to keep quiet about his PED use. Well, that money worked out to be as good a value as the last few years of A-Rod’s own Yankees contract.

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Alfonso Soriano says he is retiring from major league baseball. Most fans are shocked. Soriano hadn’t ALREADY retired?

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November 5 was  one of TWO National Doughnut Days. The other is the first Friday in June. Figures, not like Americans could stop at just one doughnut anything.

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A small plane with the banner “Fire John Idzik!” circled the NY Jets’ practice field for a short time this morning. Then the plane was presumably intercepted by another plane.

 

Ah, the holiday season is upon us. A Nebraska woman was arrested and charged with two felonies for allegedly hitting a fellow Wal-Mart shopper with her PT Cruiser last weekend, because the person took her parking spot in the lot.

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And no doubt many of these parents voted. A Louisville TV station is reporting a local teacher resigned when her Catholic school requested she take a precautionary 21-day leave AND produce a health note from her doctor, because parents raised concerns about her mission trip to Kenya. (Kenya is 3000 miles from West Africa)

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So according to her attorney the mother of Adrian Peterson’s son is happy with the plea deal and doesn’t want his career to be harmed by the child abuse case. Well, yeah, if for no other reason than she wants her child support.

 

The CMA awards tonight pre-empted ABC’s comedy “Blackish.” And co-host Brad Paisley said “If you were looking for Black-ish tonight, yeah, this ain’t it. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy White-ish.” African Americans might have been offended. IF any of them had been watching the CMAs.

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Mark Sanchez says he is excited about his first start for the Eagles, which will be on next week’s MNF. Many Americans are excited too, some to see the Panthers win big, some to see Sanchez lead Philadelphia to a big win, and most just hoping to see another butt fumble.

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Newly elected Utah congresswoman Mia Love is a major rising star in the Republican party. with her anti-immigrant, anti-birthright citizenship and anti-welfare stances. The daughter of Haitian immigrants, however, also said in 2011, “My parents have always told me I was a miracle and our family’s ticket to America.” Love has also said her parents came on a tourist visa and stayed.

Makes sense she’s a GOP star. She’s proving a woman of color can be as much a hypocrite as a white man.

Decisions, decisions.

November 5, 2014

A very low turnout in this year’s midterm elections. Which must on some level make all the winners and incumbents very happy.  Since all those people who didn’t vote have forfeited their bitching rights.

 

The polls are closed across the U.S. So finally the emails requesting money for the 2014 election will stop. The emails requesting money for 2016 start this morning.

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Not that I’m wishing harm on anyone, but it will be interesting to see what happens this winter the first time some natural disaster hits some state where a GOP leader has won election campaigning against the federal government.

 

What a country. Kim Kardashian Monday night posted “‘I’m standing w Obama in the midterm election 2morrow!’ Of course, since Kim probably didn’t take time to vote she probably didn’t even notice the President not being on the ballot.

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Not sure what Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who’s been downplaying her ties to Sarah Palin, might be like in the Senate. But her husband Gail at least looks like a gift for the comedy industry. This from his FB page last year: “What do you do if you see your ex running around in your front yard screaming and bloody? Stay calm. Reload. And try again.”

 

 

In Florida, Democrats had hoped a medical marijuana initiative would help Charlie Crist in Tuesday’s election. Alas wonder how many supporters  of the amendment will show up to vote Wednesday.

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A statement that kind of sums up American priorities. This from Kristin Mavromatis with the Mecklenburg County Board of Elections in North Carolina: “There are lines all over the place Not quite as long as the line at the Cheesecake Factory but there are lines.”

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Wonder how many people who didn’t think they have time to vote had time to update their fantasy football teams. ‪#‎ElectionDay‬

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Fox News’ Tucker Carlson. “We need, I think, an older white guy appreciation day, I think they have done a lot for this country.” With all due respect, in the U.S. EVERY day is “older white guy appreciation day.”

 

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A Virgin Australia flight bound for Sydney had to return to Los Angeles because of a plumbing problem that resulting in a nauseating smell on board. Ah for the good old days, when the most nauseating thing on a plane was the free food.

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President Obama just declared the lava flow from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano to be a major disaster, which frees up federal money to help. Wonder how many people are thinking.”Yeah, just like Obama to send U.S. money overseas.”

 

Tony Romo says he is optimistic about Sunday’s game in London. Well, of course, who wouldn’t be optimistic with the prospect of playing the Jacksonville Jaguars?

 

Another why there is no satire: Dallas Cowboys hashtag for their London game is ‪#‎CowboysUK‬ Yes, they do.-

 

 

The LA Dodgers have hired Oakland A’s assistant GM Farhan Zaidi as their next GM. Right, okay, because the Athletics lasted so much longer than the Dodgers in recent playoffs.

Time passages.

June 4, 2014

As of yesterday Donald Sterling is being sued by another ex-employee who claims she was his mistress. The woman is represented by Gloria Allred.   So congrats to all those who had June 3 in the pool.

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Almost as soon as the polls closed in the California primary, the media could report that Governor Jerry Brown looks like a runaway winner this November. It’s a far cry from Brown’s first election, when the results had to come in by telegraph

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After 90 years, WGN radio has decided not to carry the Chicago Cubs anymore. So have they decided to go with programming that’s more likely to have a happy ending, like opera?

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Who says Sarah Palin and Democrats never agree on anything? Apparently last week at the Republican Leadership Conference, Palin suggested that “Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson should run for president.

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The NFL is ditching Roman numerals for their Super Bowl in Santa Clara, and instead of “L” will go with the Arabic number 50. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

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When the totals are in, perhaps 300,000 Californians will have voted for Leland Yee for secretary of state. Now, not only has Yee been indicted on money laundering and weapons charges, he dropped out of the race over two months ago. Maybe this really does prove, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

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“Breathe Right” nasal strips will co-sponsor Saturday’s Belmont Stakes, and hand out at least 50,000 of its nasal strips to fans at the race. If California Chrome wins will the NFL and MLB add the strips to their lists of banned performance enhancers?

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Donald Sterling on the $2 billion sale of the Clippers, “I feel fabulous, I feel very good.” Wonder how many other professional team owners are wondering how they can get taped making bigoted remarks and get a similar price.

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#SFGiants get game-winning home run from a guy in starting lineup hitting .048 #JuanPerez. So who’s #Bochy betting on for #BelmontStakes?

 

A 20 year veteran of the San Jose, CA police force was arrested after managers of a Public Storage started clearing out his storage space because of overdue rental payments and found perhaps 20 pounds of marijuana. Title this “Dude, when was my rent due?”

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bowe Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

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Well, of course it makes sense that the GOP is angry Congress wasn’t consulted about the hostage deal. Because Reagan always made sure Congress knew about all the hostage deals he made… Oops. Never mind.

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

(My friend Linda points out that Oliver North said it was OK that Reagan negotiated with the Iranians because he never admitted it. …)

 

Don ZImmer has passed away at the age of 83. Guessing they won’t let Pedro Martinez anywhere near his coffin.

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From Marc Ragovin  “For all those who beliieve that Bowe Bergdahl is being overly glorified after willingly abandoning his unit , bear in mind that he is now entitled to medical care through the VA system.

Upon  being told that he is now eligible for medical care through tthe VA system, Bowe Bergdahl immediately requested to be sent back. “

Stupor califragilisticexpialidocious

November 7, 2013

Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s numbers are up since he admitted to smoking crack “in a drunken stupor.” And somewhere Anthony Weiner is thinking “why didn’t I just say I sexted ‘in a drunken stupor’?”

 

Chase Harrison, who just turned 18, was elected to the school board in Millburn, NJ. Good for him. And he’s probably too young to do anything in a drunken stupor.

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Blockbuster says they will close its 300 remaining U.S. stores by Jan 2014. Americas were shocked – Blockbuster still has stores?

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All this talk about the Virginia governor’s race and what it means for Obama, the Tea Party, etc….. Going with the most obvious answer, isn’t it just possible that voters, especially women, simply disliked Terry McAuliffe a little bit less than his opponent?

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Newly-elected Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe has appointed a former Republican State Senator to his transition team. Makes sense. McAuliffe owes the GOP a big “thank you.” Had they not nominated Cuccinelli, Terry probably would never have been elected.

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Amazing to hear the accusations that Jonathan Martin is “soft.” Especially since for his college career the man’s job was to protect the blindside of his QB – who might have been just a bit of a target – the QB was Andrew Luck.

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Nice story for the evening. On Friday, Jonathan Moscone, 49, son of former SF Mayor George Moscone, will marry Darryl Carbonaro, 46. Somewhere both Moscone and Harvey Milk are smiling.

 

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Tim McGraw joined 7 other country music stars on stage at the CMA’s to honor Taylor Swift, saying at one point she’d opened for all of them. It was an impressively large number… although far less than the number of ex-boyfriends she’s written songs about.

(Gib Worley asks “Didn’t she open for them too?”)

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Starbucks says the company will hire 10,000 veterans and military spouse over the next five years. Figuring if people can handle Iraq and Afghanistan, they can handle some of these prima donnas who have such exacting requirements for their precious coffees?

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A new line of Candy Crush actually candies is expanding and soon will be available in stores across America. I can see it now, “I’m not fat, I’m just at level 232.”

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Why are all these men claiming that Jonathan Martin is partly to blame for being bullied? It’s about as unimaginable as claiming that a woman who is sexually harassed at work must be doing something to cause it….. Oops, never mind.

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Just wondering, if Jonathan Martin had gotten angry enough to beat up Richie Incognito and put him on the Dolphins’ injury list, would many consider that a better response? #NationalThugLeague

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Former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, who says he’s changed, but “Now I have to sit back and take it, listen to people say I was abusing my players? I was an idiot, but I never abused anybody.” Uh, if he thinks that Rice is still an idiot, and he hasn’t changed much.

Big winners and losers?

November 6, 2013

 Chris Christie in his victory speech says it’s about showing up. And that “you don’t just show up six months before an election, you show up four years before an election”. Which might be a pre-emptive explanation why he might spend much of the next four years in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina etc.

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Chris Christie won, but the Houston Astrodome lost and will be demolished. It would be tacky to make a joke about a mixed night for supersized entities.

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Will anyone EVER top this political excuse? Toronto mayor Rob Ford is now admitting he smoked crack “probably a year ago” but it was because he was in a “drunken stupor” at the time.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s approval ratings actually went up after it came out that he smoked crack cocaine. So how many members of Congress sent their staffers out on the street for a little…shopping?

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ESPN headline about how poor Ohio State might go undefeated but still might not make it to the BCS title game. Uh, here’s a hint for the Buckeyes. Next time don’t make your out-of-conference games against Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal and Florida A & M.

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Berkeley police said a fight between two Cal football players in the locker room resulted in one being taken to a hospital. Bears fans were shocked, they didn’t think a member of this year’s team could actually hit anyone.

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Wannabe Darwin award of the week, as in lucky he wasn’t shot: A 21 year old Central Connecticut State University student accidentally caused a three hour lockdown at the school when he walked through campus dressed as. Snake Eyes costume from G.I. Joe for Halloween. Complete with tactical vest, camouflage pants, mask, plastic sword and handgun….

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How quickly things can change. Before last weekend, Miami Dolphins’ fans thought the worst thing happening with their team was a four game losing streak.

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in a recent YouGov poll, only 15% of Americans said they had ever excused themselves “from a social event or a conversation to go to another room to check email.” The other 85% presumably just used their phones during the middle of the event or conversation.

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Joy Johnson, 86, the oldest woman to run the NY Marathon, died the next day. And coach potatoes around the world are saying “See, exercise is dangerous to your health.”

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NY Giants safety Antrel Rolle on the Dolphins’ bullying scandal: “Was Richie Incognito wrong? Absolutely But I think the other guy is just as much to blame as Richie, because he allowed it to happen.” Well of course, Martin should have brought a gun to the locker room, in fact, let’s arm all NFL players…..

 

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Now, who knows how this will all come down, but if the NFL decided to suspend the Saints’ Sean Payton over bounties, going to be really interesting to see what they do with Dolphins’ Joe Philbin and his locker room.

 

Jeff Ireland, GM of the Miami Dolphins, probably had no direct involvement with the current scandal. But Ireland is the man who in 2010 asked Dez Bryant, born to a 15 year old who did time for drug dealing, if his mother was a prostitute. What a classy team….

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And then there’s the short form reaction to the whole Dolphins mess: men are pigs.


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