Posted tagged ‘Dodgers jokes’

Ownership?

May 21, 2015

 

Okay, this is a bit harsh. And the SF Giants know as well as any team how meaningless the regular season can be when you get to the playoffs.  But who says American ingenuity is dead?  From the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Wikipedia page:

 

 

wikipedia

 

Clayton Kershaw on the pitch that Madison Bumgarner hit for a home run. “It was a fastball right down the middle. I should have respected him a little more.” Well, since Madbum hit four last year, maybe Kershaw should have just watched a little tape.

There are only 18 players in MLB who have homered off of both Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. One of them is Madison “Babe” Bumgarner.

Well, on the bright side for the ‪#‎LADodgers‬, they had no wear-and-tear on their bats in 3 games at AT&T Park. ‪#‎sweep‬ ‪#‎3shutouts‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Aaron Hernandez, serving a life sentence and now on trial for witness intimidation, apparently has a new tattoo and will “face discipline” for it. So what, they are going to lock the former Patriot away for two lifetimes?

 

Brewers’ relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected tonight for allegedly having pine tar on his arm. He said it was a mixture of rosin and sunscreen that he forgot to remove before coming in. Once again I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Many complain that raising minimum wage will result in higher costs. But as USA TODAY reports, while McDonalds’ workers are pushing for a $15 hourly minimum wage, top executives at the company average $1220 an hour. Where’s the outrage over what THAT adds to the cost of a hamburger

The Duggar parents from “19 Kids and Counting” are rallying behind their son Josh, 27, after it has come out that he molested several girls when he was a teenager: “Even though we would never choose to go through something so terrible, each one of our family members drew closer to God.” Wonder if they’d be as supportive if one of their children simply came out as gay?

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Well, leaving aside the taxation and use-of- police-time issues, Philly fans need all the ways to mellow out they can get.

Kobe Bryant’s tweet on the Laker’s good luck in the NBA lottery. “We played like crap all season so it’s only right we get the #2 pick HA ‪#‎lakerluck‬ ‪#‎goodday‬” Well, and if the team only wasn’t paying $24 million to one over-the-hill player…..

Bus to hell time.  The world’s largest Disney Store opened in Shanghai and shoppers lined up for over a mile to get in. Sort of the Chinese equivalent of a school crafts fair where adults rush to buy what their children have made?

The FCC apparently has gotten 22 complaints from viewers watching golf on TV over bad language. And 15 of those involved Tiger Woods. Well, this might mean Tiger’s outbursts are in a different league. Or it might mean he’s the only golfer most people watch.

At Charlotte’s airport. a man who was angry about his flight being overbooked stripped naked in protest. And airlines are thinking, hmm… less weight, less fuel issues. Can we start having a clothing surcharge?

Citicorp, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland have pleaded guilty to rigging the currency markets in 2008 and will pay collectively more than $5 billion in penalties. And you thought your banking fees were high NOW.

So apparently that shoot out in Waco, Texas started over a parking dispute. Many women heard that and are thinking “And they weren’t even Christmas shopping?

 

From T.C.  “NFL.com is refusing to take orders for personalized jerseys with the name “DEFLATOR” on the back. How about “SSSSSSSSSSS””

Oh brother.

December 16, 2014

Jeb Bush says he is “actively exploring” a presidential bid after talking with his family over Thanksgiving. So is he serious about running, or just trying to prove he can use bigger words than his brother?

A source says Sen. Marco Rubio will run for President in 2016, even if Jeb Bush also runs. Two candidates from Florida in one national election. Even Jewish late-night talk show hosts are thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

Some stories almost don’t need a punchline, but… NY Jets CB Josh Thomas tweeted that his playbook has been stolen. 1. The Jets HAVE a playbook? 2. The thief when caught will be tested for insanity.

 

The Chargers decided they will not relocate in 2015. In a statement “The team will not be exercising the lease termination clause and will keep working to find a publicly acceptable way to build a Super Bowl-quality stadium in San Diego.” Of course, what fans really want is a Super Bowl-quality TEAM in San Diego.

Meanwhile, once again, rumors are that Sunday could be the Raiders last game in Oakland. And many fans are thinking “Promise?”

A new poll by Men’s and Women’s Health found that only 37% of men and 48% of women think it’s cheating to have a Tinder account. So your chance of accidentally finding your significant other also online are better than you think.

It is wrong to take pleasure in the suffering of others. Nonetheless, this one’s for my fellow ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans: The LA ‪#‎Dodgers‬ DFA Brian Wilson, and will eat his $9.5 million contract.

Jay Gruden has been told he will return as Washington’s coach next year. Translation, Dan Snyder can’t find anyone else to take over that mess.

 

The newest Heisman winner appeared on David Letterman last night and read “Top 10 thoughts that went through Marcus Mariota’s mind when he won the Heisman Trophy.” You can tell the Oregon QB is from the Pac 12. He can count to 10.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman, lowering expectations for A-Rod during an interview today “I can’t expect Alex to be anything.” Oh, I don’t know. A magnet for tabloid headlines seems a pretty sure bet.

In New Jersey, three elementary school teachers have been suspended and will probably be fired for having what they thought was a private email chat where they referred to their “moron” special needs students. Seems like the real morons here are any adults, not only for their insensitivity, but for thinking that in this day and age any emails are truly private.

Larry J. Cano, 90, has died,He founded El Torito restaurant, the first big U.S. Mexican food chain. In his honor, millions of Americans will toast with a sugary slushy margarita that few people in Mexico would recognize..

#‎whythereisnosatire‬ Ted Cruz apologized today to other GOP Senators for keeping them in D.C. last Saturday: “The senator acknowledged that a number of his colleagues had to unexpectedly change their weekend plans, and he apologized to them for inconveniencing their personal schedules,”

Ah, shutting down the government and, causing all kinds of people not to be paid, that’s not a problem, but “inconveniencing personal schedules” of mostly millionaires, that Cruz feels bad about. ….

 

 

Something stronger.

October 8, 2014

Brian Wilson will apparently be exercising his player option so LA will have to pay him $9.5 million in 2015. SF Giants fans, in the spirit of camaraderie, are offering to give Dodger fans their best cocktail recipes.

Giants got 9 runs in 4 games. 1 home run. A lot of runs that weren’t even scored by hits. And they won the series 3 games to 1. ‪#‎SFchicksdigthesmallball‬

All of these experts predicting the ‪#‎ALCS‬ and ‪#‎NLCS‬ winners. Because they’ve done so well so far……‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Cardinals‬ ‪#‎Royals‬ ‪#‎Orioles

No baseball Tuesday night since the ‪#‎ALDS‬ and ‪#‎NLDS‬ series are all over. And no football as it’s Wednesday. So it was time for most Americans to start ignoring hockey.

For hockey fans, the San Jose Sharks did start defending their unofficial title of of being “The Best Regular Season Team in the NHL.”

Okay, it worked out if you are an ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan. But Matt Williams is being lambasted for putting rookie Aaron Barrett into the game late last night with veteran pitchers in the bullpen. But Bruce Bochy put September call-up Hunter Strickland into the game late too. And Strickland did get through an inning, albeit with a home run bomb to Bryce Harper. ‪#‎geniusifitworksidiocyifitdoesnt‬ ‪#‎NLDS‬

So what’s the difference between the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Los Angeles Dodgers? About 48 hours.

The FTC just announced that AT&T will pay $105 million in fines for placing unauthorized charges for third-party services on customers’ cell phone bills. So now wonder what surcharge the phone company will add to cover the fines

 

Roger Goodell, talking to owners and defending the NFL’s player conduct policy. “I believe the vast majority of our players are great people.” Right, because in the US we’ve never needed criminal laws because the vast majority of Americans are law-abiding people.

An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Midland, TX last night because a passenger was vomiting and there were Ebola fears. Despite the fact she had come from TURKEY, not Africa (She has already been released from the hospital). Here we go again…. Let’s hope no one gets the bright idea to put TSA in charge of taking temperatures and asking medical questions:

 

 

Open note to ANYONE who is anti-vaccine. Please just STFU about Ebola

Meet me in St. Louis

October 8, 2014

mound

 

SF Giants were 1-11 with men in scoring position tonight. Has to be voodoo.

 

 

Hunter Pence, who made an incredible catch tonight, along with a hit and a walk, was so overdue he’s been scheduled for a pitocin drip ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

(guys, ask your wives)

 

Got to give props to Bryce Harper for this story relayed by a sportswriter friend. When the SF Giants Nationals game was over, apparently a Washington reporter told Harper “They stole that series from you.”  And Harper responded, “No, they stole nothing. They earned this win.  Write it.”

 

Meanwhile,   Clayton Kershaw making a strong case for the title Mr. September.

 

There’s a reason they vote for MVP and Cy Young at the end of the regular season.

Meanwhile Yasiel Puig didn’t start today’s NLDS game #4 between LA and STL. Thereby disappointed Dodgers fans who were convinced he would hit a game-winning home run, and Giants fans who were convinced it would be fun to watch him strike out.

U.N. experts of have dismissed the claim of an explorer who says he found the long-lost Santa Maria, saying that the wreck isn’t old enough to be that of a 16th century ship. What was their first clue, parts stamped “Made in China”?

 

NY Jets QB Geno Smith said he was late to a team meeting in San Diego because he had confused his time zones. Yo, Geno, except that New York is three hours AHEAD of California. Not sure what Smith majored in at West Virginia, but pretty sure it wasn’t math.

Police were called when Florida’s 2nd backup QB Skyler Mornhinweg was apparently been involved in a fight with another player. This after #1 backup QB Treon Harris was suspended after he was accused of sexual assault. Are we sure former coach Urban Meyer isn’t still somehow involved.

 

Some complaints on ‪#‎ESPN‬‘s ‪#‎MLBplayoffs‬ coverage. But we should realize by now, ESPN thinks season ended when ‪#‎Jeter‬ & ‪#‎Yankees‬ eliminated.

 

U.S. Marshals found that a prisoner taken from his cell to a Washington D.C Superior court arrived at court carrying a loaded gun. Is the Secret Service in charge of D.C. jails too?

-NY Jets coach Rex Ryan said if “we don’t get this thing – (the 2014 season) on the right track, I don’t think for a minute I’ll be here” in 2015. Not sure if Rex is more expecting to be fired or to quit in disgust.

 

 

From T.C.   “”Washington Nationals coaches, managers and executives are absolutely ecstatic over losing to the SF Giants tonight. They now can rest pitcher Stephen Strasburg until next season.”

Issue oriented.

October 7, 2014

The NFL now has a sponsorship deal with Bose which will ban players from wearing “Beats by Dre” headphones during interviews and games. Violators will be fined. Good to know Roger Goodell and the league are taking on the tough issues.

 

Michael Phelps was suspended from USA swimming events for six months following his DUI. Many Americans were shocked. In non-Olympic years there are swimming events?

The conservative leaning Supreme Court Monday decided to reject requests from five states to immediately review their gay marriage bans. Maybe because now even GOP candidates told them it was a losing issue?

Michigan State’s AD is upset with the 13,000 students who bought season tickets but mostly left early when the Spartans had a 27-3 lead in a cold wet fourth quarter against Nebraska. He said changes will be made. Right. Like selling the same tickets for a lot more money to alums who will also leave early in such conditions.

The Jaguars apologized for their mascot mocking the Steelers’ “Terrible Towels” during yesterday’s game with a sign that said “Towels carry Ebola.” Of course the Steelers could have responded that Jacksonville was safe because the team couldn’t catch anything.

 

A nurse in Spain has contracted Ebola from two patients who returned from Africa. So will Rick Perry demand now that the U.S. stop all airline flights from Europe?

Madison Bumgarner inexplicably tried to a bunt to third with runners on first and second Monday, and when the throw went wide two runs scored.  Although later catcher and former high school valedictorian Buster Posey said he told him to do it.  #smartmenfoolishchoices

Monday was a painful day for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans. Although nice now to watch   ‪#‎BrianWilson‬ and think “no longer our circus, not our monkey.” ‪#‎Dodgers‬

If misery loves company ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are having a bromance over their 7th innings today. ‪#‎NLDS‬

According to the SF Chronicle, the principal of a private Marin County high school was arrested last weekend “after he was found in a Sacramento County motel room with large quantities of drugs and a passed-out woman roughly 30 years younger than him” Wonder how long it will take for the made-for-TV movie.

So I know about the Rolaids reliever award. Are the Dodgers trying to challenge the Tigers for the Arson Squad award? ‪#‎bullpenwhatbullpen‬?

 

Two men were arrested and charged with felony assault after a fight in the men’s bathroom at Levi’s Stadium before the 49ers game Sunday. Allegedly over ‘impatience for an open stall’ . Sounds like the worries over the new stadium just being filled with chardonnay swilling techies might be unfounded.

 

So anyone who was surprised that Buck Showalter intentionally walked the potential winning run on base in the bottom of the 9th Sunday in Detroit clearly doesn’t remember 1998, when Buck intentionally walked Barry Bonds. With the bases loaded. (He won that game too.)

Falling Apples.

September 24, 2014

Apple released and pulled iOS 8.0.1 Wednesday. Apparently because the update caused dropped calls and disabled some new iPhone 6’s. The early bird may not get the worm. But they are more likely to get the bugs.

Apparently some of the new iPhones warp. Of course, what’s really warped might be waiting hours and hours in line for a phone that will be easily available in a few months and obsolete by next year.

When deputies pulled over a woman for driving with only one headlight late Monday night they heard crying from the trunk. Turns out she had put her 5-month-old baby into the car trunk, to avoid getting a ticket for not driving with a car seat. You guessed, it – Florida.

A grand jury decided not to file criminal charges against Tony Stewart for hitting and killing Kevin Ward Jr.. The D.A. also said that tests revealed that Ward was under the influence of marijuana “at a high enough level to impair judgment.” Of course the drug that really impairs NASCAR drivers’ judgment is testosterone.

#‎Yankees‬ are selling ‪#‎DerekJeter‬ game-used socks for $400. Shudder to think what they are asking for his jockstraps.

Spirit Airlines has announced “to make sure we have room for everyone’s bags” they are going to charge $2 more for checked bags for all flights between flights between Dec 18 and Jan 5. The probable reaction from other airlines? “Shocking. We should charge at least $10 more.

 

Bill Simmons was suspended 3 weeks for his profane rant about Roger Goodell where he called the commissioner a liar. 3 weeks. Guess he should have just taken a swing at Goodell in an elevator.

The University of Michigan had planned to have the game ball delivered by drone last Saturday in Ann Arbor before the Wolverines’ game with Utah.. The school said they dropped the plan after consulting with the FAA, but rumor has it they didn’t want the drone to have a better completion rate than their QBs.

The New York Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2014 playoffs. So tonight we can expect an ESPN special on how Derek Jeter is dealing with this tragic event?

So will ‪#‎Yankees‬, out of the playoffs, take some comfort in ‪#‎Dodgers‬, with the new highest MLB payroll, taking their place in postseason?

Some rumors that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are boycotting a beat reporter for writing that two teammates had a “heated” argument in the clubhouse. Really? It’s not as if he wrote they had an actual physical fight. Besides, with the Giants this week no one would believe they could hit anything.

Rep. Vance McAllister, the congressman who was caught on tape making out with a staffer, has his wife featured in his latest commercial, In the ad, Kelly McAllister says “A man’s character is based on how many times he gets up and stands again.” Considering the kissing tape, is “gets up”” the right phrase?

A Virgin America flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Nebraska because, as the police report says, a man was “masturbating in flight and later tried to open an exit door.” This would never happen on United. The seats are too close together for anyone to masturbate.

I’ll be watching you…maybe.

July 23, 2014

So there were NYPD officers working graveyard shifts in four marked cars at the Brooklyn Bridge while the lights were dimmed and white flags were raised Monday night. None of them noticed anything. And the NY Daily news quotes a police source as saying none of them will be disciplined. Well, not like anything really bad could have happened…

 

 

A man claims he was kicked off a Southwest flight in Denver after he tweeted a complaint over a gate agent not allowing his daughters to board early with him. He claims he won’t fly the airline again. Well, and hey, why not, when he can take advantage of the great customer service at Denver from United….

Mark McGwire says of Jose Canseco. “I don’t care to ever speak to him again.” Well, of course not, Canseco’s in the past.

 

St. Louis CF John Jay tonight struck out on a 4-2 count. That’s bad. What’s worse, no one in the Cardinals dugout, including the manager, noticed it. #whoneedsmath?

18 runs given up in two days?  All of a sudden #Dodgers pitching is looking like maybe Josh Beckett’s been bringing beer and chicken back into the Clubhouse #sfgiants

Cameron Maybin has been suspended for 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines. But come on, it’s the San Diego Padres. Couldn’t Maybin have used the excuse he needed the drugs to stay awake?

Wednesday Alabama coach Nick Saban talked about his team’s loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and said it was a challenge to “try to play in a consolation game.” Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of college football players as egotistical babies.

(Also, for the uninitiated, please note. The Sugar Bowl, with a $17 million per team payout, is not a consolation game. Now, the “AdvoCare V100 Bowl” just might be a consolation game….)

Eagles tackle Lane Johnson is the latest NFL player suspended four games for PED’s. Johnson said in a statement he “mistakenly and foolishly” took a prescription drug in April and failed to clear it with the Eagles’ athletic trainers or check the banned substance list. Just once would be nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, I was cheating and got busted.”

 

Another thought about all these NFL players who plead ignorance when they get caught for PED’s. Wouldn’t you think if they were smart enough to read their playbooks, they’d be smart enough to read the the rules and their drug labels?

‘What if I decide to run?': Michele Bachmann saying she might try for Presidency again in 2016. Comedy writers: “Thank you Jesus.”

You have been warned.  From Alex Kaseberg.  “‘Comic Con’ begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.”

So what does Rick Perry have against all these kids? The Texas governor doesn’t want more people in America who can embarrass him by counting to three?

California’s teen birthrate has fallen 63% since 1990, the biggest drop of any state in the country. Instead of “Abstinence Only” education, California has chosen comprehensive sex education, and increased access for teens to contraceptives. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

From T.C.  ” The #1 selling NFL jersey today is Johnny Manziel. Sitting at #5 is Michael Sam. Neither one of them has yet to play a down in the league. That should be enough to bring Brett Favre out of retirement again.”


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