Posted tagged ‘Dodgers jokes’

Breaking bread?

October 22, 2015

In Israel, a cafe owner is offering 50% off to Jewish and Arab customers who eat at the same table. If this catches on maybe some brave restaurant owner in the U.S could do the same for Democrats and Republicans.

No playoff baseball on TV tonight. So all Americans got to see what it’s like to be a fan without cable.

Matt Harvey made $614,000 from the NY Mets this year while Jacob deGrom made $556.000. Together they almost equal the 2015 Mets’ salary of Bobby Bonilla – $1,193,000.

Don Mattingly will not be back next year as manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I am shocked” said nobody.

It was a pretty painful loss for Michigan last week, but the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ did all they could tonight to put a smile back on Jim Harbaugh’s face.

Just thinking when ‪#‎NFL‬ scheduled the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ and ‪#‎Seahawks‬ for ‪#‎TNF‬ they didn’t expect it would be a battle to get out of ‪#‎NFCWest‬ cellar

So apparently Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have both signed a document asking that their divorce case be dismissed. Uh, just thinking, since Odom’s in a condition where he probably couldn’t legally even consent to sex, how could he make any decisions on his marriage?

The state of Oregon is suing GNC saying they knowing spiked supposedly all-natural dietary supplements with synthetic drugs. And hundreds of athletes who’ve been caught for various PED’s are saying “See?”

Your “wanna get away” moment:  The Intercontinental Hotel Group printed cards for its elite frequent stay guests, with a special toll free number on the back.  But they mistakenly printed 1-800 instead of their toll-free prefix 1-844.  So callers to the number ended up with “America’s hottest” phone sex line.   Oops.

You know, between investigating Benghazi and Hillary’s emails, not to mention trying to repeal Obamacare and defund Planned Parenthood, it shouldn’t be surprising that the GOP-ledCongress can’t get anything done – they don’t have time for anything else.

As the Republicans continue to go after Hillary for the deaths in Benghazi have to wonder, would they be giving her a bit more of a break if after the attack she had gotten Obama to invade Grenada?

Benghazi committee chair Trey Gowdy when asked what new information they got from today’s 11 hour questioning of Hillary Clinton “In terms her testimony, I don’t know if she testified that differently today than she’s previously testified.”
Well, that’s certainly enough reason to convene another special committee.

Donald Trump retweeted a tweet saying “Ben Carson is now leading in the polls in Iowa Too much Monsanto in the corn creates issues in the brain?” And of course Iowans were furious.
Now Trump tweeted “the young intern who accidentally did a Retweet apologizes.” Would that be the Donald’s excuse as President if he insults one of our allies?

A study published in Current Biology found the louder the howler monkey, the smaller his testicles.
Does this really need a punchline?

Finally, this bus-to-hell item from T.C.    “Louisville University has been accused of using strippers and hookers in their recruiting process for their basketball team. Not to be outdone, up until last week, UNLV was toying with the idea of signing Lamar Odom as their basketball ambassador.”

Slip, sliding away

October 11, 2015

Give Chase Utley‬ credit, during the middle of football season he got a whole lot of U.S. sports fans talking about baseball

Chase Utley suspended for two games. Might be safer than if Don Mattingly had dared to put him at Citifield in New York anyway 

How much more perfect could it be if the NLDS series hero turns out to be Wilmer Flores?

Not surprisingly, Mets fans tend to think Utley’s slide was dirty, Dodgers fans tend to think it was just good hard baseball.  So assume if Mets player injures Dodgers 2nd baseman Howie Kendrick with an Utley-like slide in game 3, LA will have no problem with it?

The ‪#‎Saints‬ may be interested in signing Chase Utley for defense. ‪#‎bettertackling‬

Houston ‪#‎Astros‬ were the lowest seeded team into the 2015 ‪#‎MLBPlayoffs‬. Lowest team in 2014? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

USC has apparently told coach Steve Sarkisian to take a leave of absence. Sort of like much of the Trojans football team has been doing all season?

Oregon’s football team has THREE losses? For some players it’s the first time they’ve had to count that high.

But okay, the Ducks might not even be the most disappointing football team in the Northwest  #SeattleSeahawks.

Apparently an increasing number of Canadians want to build a wall to keep Americans out. Maybe this is Trump’s grand plan. Not to win the presidency but to get the building contract.

Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill saying California schools will no longer be allowed to use “Redskins” as a mascot or team name. Professional teams aren’t mentioned, but, at least this won’t be an issue during the 2016 Super Bowl in Santa Clara.

A man was shot and seriously injured tonight in Arlington, TX, in a parking lot shared by the Rangers and Cowboys. A suspect is in custody with no further details. But just guessing he’s not one of those wacky Blue Jays fans.

Trump clearly is tired of Ben Carson getting all the headlines, saying today 200,000 Syrian migrants coming into the US “‘could make the Trojan horse look like peanuts if these people turned out to be a lot of ISIS”

President Obama said that John Boehner’s departure could worsen Congressional gridlock. You mean it’s possible to go slower than a dead stop?

Down and out?

October 11, 2015

So @MLB may let Chase Utley get away with that slide but @NFL may be fining him. ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬

Kelby Tomlinson was enough to make me glad ‪#‎SFGiants‬ didn’t sign Utley. Maybe now ‪#‎49ers‬ wish they had pursued him.


As if SF Giants fans didn’t have enough reason to hate Dodgers, Chase Utley in 2015 does to Tejada what Matt Holliday did to Scutaro in 2012. Time for karma to get in mean bitch mode.

Pedro Martinez said last week that the Mets need to keep Matt Harvey, due to his elbow issues, under five innings “no matter what the situation.” Hmm, thinking it could be real interesting if Utley comes up against Harvey in the fifth on Monday.

Just saying, Zack Greinke, neither of those home runs you gave up would have been out at AT&T Park. If you’re thinking of a change of scenery ‪#‎SFGiants‬

St Louis pitcher Jaime Garcia left after the 2nd inning with a stomach virus. Bet he wasn’t half as sick as Cardinals fans watching their team give up FIVE unearned runs in that inning.

As if anyone had doubts, Michigan’s Jim Harbaugh may not be an easy person to deal with, but,he is a damn good football coach (but hey, the 49ers don’t miss him at all, right?)

This is a rare “awww” story from the world of college football. After devastating floods, the University of South Carolina moved their game against LSU from Columbia to Baton Rouge, where LSU will give SC the revenue from tickets and concessions. And since the Gamecocks’ band can’t come, the Tigers’ marching band decided to learn South Carolina’s alma mater and fight song and played both at the game.

Aww part two, LSU Heisman hopeful Leonard Fournette said after the game that he would auction off his jersey for South Carolina flood relief. (his family lived on a bridge for several days after Katrina)
The RNC is criticizing Obama’s latest visit to California saying “the latest swing through the Golden State proves once again that President Obama only cares about causing traffic jams for fundraising for the failed Democrat agenda.” Right, the President should be like Chris Christie and only cause traffic jams for political revenge.
Cal Ripken Jr. acknowledged he might be interested in managing the Washington Nationals. Because he always dreamed as a little boy of growing up and joining the circus?

In New Jersey, a burglar who accidentally butt-dialed 911 and ended up telling police his plans has pleaded guilty. He was given a plea deal of a minimum of 5 years, with presumably then being paroled to Florida?

Cal QB Jared Goff has been projected as a 1st round, maybe top ten draft pick. Maybe Saturday night he was trying a bit too hard to show he could be the next Colin Kaepernick..  (five interceptions.)

Two people (at least) have apparently been fatally shot this past week with a gun stolen from an unlocked car in San Francisco. The woman who was shot and killed in July on an SF pier allegedly by an illegal immigrant was also killed with a gun left in a car. Not keeping a dangerous dog safely secured is a crime. Can we at least talk about laws requiring gun owners to take care of their weapons?

Not quite all wet.

October 9, 2015

General Motors is telling owners of some SUVs not to use their windshield wipers because an electrical short could cause the motor to catch fire. ‘Scary” said most Americans. “What are windshield wipers?” said Californians?”

It’s only the first week of the postseason, and I am so over playoff beards. ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬

Shocked at how many empty seats there were in 5th inning at ‪#‎Dodgers‬ Stadium. Were fans late for the 3rd or early for the 7th?

Bob Costas today during extra innings of the Rangers Blue Jays game “I’m hearing the rumor that Albert Belle may be going all Kirk Gibson on us.”– (Belle retired in 2000, so he meant injured Texas slugger Adrian Beltre)
To be fair, maybe seeing LaTroy Hawkins on the mound was giving Costas flashbacks.

Not true that ‪#‎LaTroyHawkins‬ was in majors the last time ‪#‎BlueJays‬ were in playoffs. (1993). But he was pitching for ‪#‎Twins‬ single A team.

Add Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬ to the list of pitchers ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now glad they didn’t give away the farm to get at the trade deadline ‪#‎HOUvsKC‬

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred said yesterday it’s “not appropriate” to enforce pace-of-play rules as strictly during the playoffs. Well, of course, longer games mean more commercials. ‪#‎followthemoney‬

Ted Cruz just said that Trump won’t be the GOP nominee, and that he will pick up most of the Donald’s voters. So Cruz vs. Trump. Get some popcorn and pull up a chair, this could be fun.

Donald Trump today says Bowe Bergdahl should have been executed. Hey, can someone ask Trump about draft dodgers?

Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed a “campus carry” bill in June. “In general, what we’ve seen in the states that have campus carry, there haven’t been any problems on those campuses. I think that the way the Legislature worked this out [that] we will see that campus carry in the state of Texas will also pose no more problems.”

Three shootings on Texas campuses since then. Maybe he meant problems with overcrowding?

Many gun rights advocates say the Oregon shootings would not have happened if students were armed. Last night there was a fight between two groups of students near a fraternity dorm at Northern Arizona University.. An 18 year old freshman pulled out a gun, 1 student is dead, 3 injured. ‪#‎howmanymore‬ ‪#‎ifonlytheywereALLarmed‬

Not that I expect any privacy on the internet. But sometimes these targeted ad algorithms need work. As in I just have gotten a few ads for “California’s largest hunting and fishing stores” with all kinds of guns on sale. ‪#‎notthatkindofagal‬

The California Coastal Commission has banned SeaWorld from breeding killer whales in captivity. So what’s next,”Abstinence Only” sex education for orcas?

Chris Christie says of President Obama that he “should do all of us a favor [and] start building his library now and leave office early.” And a lot of New Jersey residents are thinking ‘Can you show him the way?”

A UCLA walk-on punter was arrested on suspicion of rape today, the 2nd Bruins player to be arrested this year, (the first was arrested for allegedly stealing a cellphone, although prosecutors decided not to press charges.)

Maybe UCLA is trying just a little too hard to prove they can compete with SEC and ACC teams?

John Kasich at a New Hampshire event asked those in the audience if it would both them if their future benefit were a little lower for the good of the country. When one person said it would be a problem Kasich replied “Well, you’d get over it, and you’re going to have to get over it.”
As my friend Michael Schibly says, “Keep them talking.”

Home cooked?

October 8, 2015

What home field advantage? ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬

A pro-White Sox bar in Chicago is offering free beer after every St. Louis Cardinals home run against the Cubs. Okay, I see a potential promotion for San Francisco area bars for the Mets-Dodgers series.

Best wishes to Vin Scully. Los Angeles just announced that their 88-year-old announcer will miss the postseason after undergoing a “recommended medical procedure.” And SFGiants fans hope Dodgers have plenty of time starting next week to visit Vin in the hospital.

Some complain baseball doesn’t have a national TV audience anymore. One reason that most Americans aren’t familiar with any but their local teams and a handful of big name teams. So now in the playoffs, MLB has a chance to introduce us to the Blue Jays and Rangers. And they put ALDS games 1 and 2 on weekday at 330p and 1245p EST…..

Strangely fun to see orange in the postseason, even if it’s not Giants Orange. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

The Cowboys’ Greg Hardy, about his impending return from a suspension for domestic violence “”I hope I come out guns blazing,”
(Hardy was actually convicted of the 2014 assault but had his case dismissed on appeal when Nicole Holder didn’t show up He had thrown her on a pile of guns, bragged they were loaded and threatened to kill her with one of them.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

And maybe all you need to know about Roger Goodell and today’s NFL is that Goodell is pushing hard to make sure Tom Brady gets that full four-game suspension that matches Hardy’s.  (And I don’t even like the Patriots or Saint Brady)  #Priorities.

A video is going viral of the Pirates’ Sean Rodriguez attacking a water cooler during yesterday’s Wild Card game. Pity Pittsburgh batters didn’t hit Arrieta as hard as Rodriguez hit the cooler.

A frat at Indiana University has been suspended over a possible sexual assault, after they posted a video of the incident on Twitter. Not that we always didn’t have ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, but social media has certainly expanded stupid’s reach.

Chris Burns, an assistant coach at Bryant University, is making headlines as the first Division 1 basketball coach to come out of the closet. Uh, that was Sheri Murrell at Portland State. But good for him, each announcement makes the next one a little less of a story. And maybe someday being gay in sports won’t be a story at all. ‪#‎wecandream‬

Kevin McCarthy has just withdrawn from the House Speaker’s race. Proving again that old adage “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Injured Junior Bruins’ LB Myles Jack says he is dropping out UCLA and entering the 2016 NFL draft because he wants “compensation for what I have done.” Well, clearly Jack should have gone to USC.

An 22 year old man called 911 to report that he was “too high on weed” and “could not feel his hands.” Police found him laying on the floor surrounded by “a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and Chips Ahoy cookies.”

This story is from Ohio. Your move, Florida.

Volkswagen’s CEO, testifying before Congress, said it may take years to fix all the rigged cars. And it will take even longer to fix the company’s reputation.

USC coach Steve Sarkisian said late August he was going to rehab. The way Trojans have played the last two games at home you’d think Sarkisian wants most USC fans to need to join him.

Proving that it’s possible to do brain surgery without a working brain: Today’s gem from Ben Carson ” I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeyes [in Baltimore]. … A guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs, and I just said, “I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.” … He said, “Oh, okay.” ‪#‎realAmericanhero‬ ‪#‎yeshesaidit‬

If this keeps up no telling what Trump will have to do to grab the headlines back. Later today on CNN Ben Carson said the holocaust would have been less likely had Jews been armed…. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Four Russian missiles fired at targets in Syria instead landed in a remote part of Iran.So, you see, Colin Kaepernick, you are not alone.”

Swimming time?

September 29, 2015

The Dodgers complained that when they clinched in Arizona the Diamondbacks got upset when players jumped in the pool to celebrate. But the Giants are classier than that. Heard SF told LA if they clinched at AT&T Park, the entire Dodgers team was invited to jump into McCovey Cove.

Well, to be fair, this has been largely a AAA lineup lately for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬. And tonight looked like regressing to the mean.

Think what angered ‪#‎Madbum‬ most, those last two home runs given up meant he didn’t get another AB against ‪#‎Kershaw‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Last week, Donald Trump said he was boycotting Fox News. Tonight, he’s appearing on the O’Reilly Factor. Guess even the Donald knows there’s no such thing as bad (free) publicity.

A body was found wrapped in a plastic sheet on an Oakland street today. People say they have not determined a cause of death. Pretty sure we can rule out suicide. ‪#‎bustohell‬

Four MLB games tonight delayed or postponed due to rain. Well, cheer up baseball fans, due to the late start of the season to humor ESPN, maybe for this year’s World Series we could have games delayed by snow.

WTF? Jeb Bush says his tax plan will save middle-class Americans $2,000 a year, and “if a family were to invest the $2,000 they would save annually over a 20-year period and at compounded interest rate of 8%, they would accumulate a nest egg of $108,000 to help better prepare them for a comfortable retirement.”

8% compounded interest rate? Maybe Jeb hasn’t actually stopped smoking marijuana. ‪#‎andhessupposedtobethesmartone‬

More Jeb Bush, writing in USA today on his proposed $2,000 tax cut for the middle class: “Two thousand dollars is four mortgage payments for the median American household.” ‪#‎Yeshesaidit‬

QB Michael Vick, on starting Thursday in place of injured Ben Rothlisberger “This is a great opportunity for me because I don’t know if I’m going to have this opportunity ever again. ” Well, at least Vick didn’t say he felt like he was on a short leash.

Twitter is apparently working on a way for users to compose Tweets of longer than 140 characters. Joe Biden reportedly has just activated his account.

Carly Fiorina is already attacking the “liberal media” for accusing her of lying about Planned Parenthood and talking about an image that did not exist – “They’re trying to have a conversation about a TECHNICALITY (caps mine) about a video tape.”
Sarah Palin must be so proud. (Although she’s thinking, Carly, it’s “lamestream media.” )

A data scientist says he has found proof that Ashley Madison created 40,000 fake women’s profiles to get users into joining and paying for its website. And thousands of guys are now trying to convince their wives they faked men’s profiles too.

SMU’s men’s basketball team has been declared ineligible for the 2016 postseason and coach Larry Brown has been suspended 9 games for “multiple violations.” What’s Brown trying to prove at this point, that he can compete with John Calipari? .

Utah Rep Jason Chaffetz today went after Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards about her $500,000 salary. Funny, never heard him complain about the $174,000 salary plus travel and other expenses that members of Congress get, or that $21 million (plus $19 million in stock) golden parachute Carly Fiorina got from HP.

Pajama party

August 30, 2015

Before today’s game against the Dodgers, the Cubs announced plans to wear pajamas on the flight back to Chicago. Wonder how many other contending teams are suddenly looking on Amazon for pjs that can be delivered overnight.

(Such a pajama party wouldn’t happen with the Red Sox.  Between Panda, Oritiz and Machi, the team couldn’t find enough in their size.)

The Los Angeles Dodgers have been no-hit twice in nine days. No punchline. I just admit to like writing it.

The Little League World Series championship game was 13-11 after three innings. Did someone forget to bring the humidor? ‪#‎LLWS‬

Obama on Monday is going to restore Mt McKinley’s name to Denali. Waiting for the first GOP candidate to complain about the President trying to curry favor with foreigners.

A study in China found greater longevity for people who most frequently ate hot and spicy foods. Pass the Habanero Tabasco – I’m gonna live forever.

Washington has apparently had trade talks about RGIII. Shocking. Some team at this point might actually want him?

Bobby Jindal said legal immigrants need to immediately “learn English, adopt our values, roll up our sleeves and get to work.” Okay, shouldn’t that also apply to people who are born here?

Despite internet rumors, James Earl Jones has not died. So “Luke, I am STILL your father.”

Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia says a picture of him with what appears to be a joint on a Atlanta hotel balcony was just him smoking a cigar., He also denies rumors he has asked the team to trade him to the Rockies or Mariners.

The Des Moines Register reported these private emails Rick Perry’s Iowa campaign chair Sam Clovis about Trump. “I was offended by a man who sought and gained four student deferments to avoid the draft and who has never served this nation a day — not a day — in any fashion or way.”, “His comments reveal no foundation in Christ, which is a big deal.” and ““Why should I not be suspicious of someone who says he hates lobbyists and yet has spread millions of dollars around to Republicans and Democrats to enrich himself? ”

Who cares, another Trump hater? Except that Clovis quit with Perry and has now joined the Donald’s campaign as a national chairman. ‪#‎moneymoneymoneymoney‬

If they canceled the last week of ‪#‎NFL‬ preseason football would anyone care? Seriously?

Chris Christie is now saying that Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal shows she caught a “disease” of “lawlessness” from the Obama administration. So where did the New Jersey staffers who closed that bridge catch THEIR disease.?’

Travelers at Newark Airport’s Terminal C were evacuated tonight after a man entered through an exit door, and had to re-enter later through a security checkpoint. The scariest thing for many connecting passengers, they actually had to enter New Jersey.

Horror film director Wes Craven has passed away at the age of 76. So shouldn’t he really have died on a Friday the 13th?

At the VMAs, Kanye West admitted to rolling “a little something” and also said “As you have probably guessed, I have decided to run for president in 2020.” Well, Kanye is opinionated and egotistical enough, maybe he really wants to be on a 2016 ticket with Donald Trump.


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