Posted tagged ‘Dodgers jokes’
May 21, 2013
But first, give this country credit. Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has been one of the Governors most strongly rejecting Obamacare, and no doubt she is not a favorite of the President. But Obama promised major disaster aid immediately, with the same efforts to cut red tape he did in New Jersey with Sandy. And I expect a positive response from Governor Fallin. Even if it’s not an election year.
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Now, back to snark.
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It’s only May, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” 2013, may I suggest Mother Nature?
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The tornado news out of Oklahoma is pretty horrific. Wonder how long it will take though for Reps. Jim Bridenstine and Markwayne Mullin, and Senators who all voted “no” on Sandy Relief, to demand federal aid?
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Oklahoma currently ranks 3rd in the nation after Texas and California in terms of total federal disaster and fire declarations. Now, the first thing we need to do is help the state, ideally with a funding bill free from added pork. But second can the state’s senators and congressmen STFU about funding other state’s disasters.
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The death toll in Oklahoma unfortunately keeps climbing and will no doubt include many children. No way of knowing yet how many victims had been told to evacuate and/or go to shelters but perhaps next time people, wherever they are, will be a bit less cavalier on weather warnings.
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And how long until the first conservative pundit or politician figures out a way to try to blame the Oklahoma tornado on Obama?
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Apparently the Seattle Seahawks have the highest PED suspension rate in the NFL since Pete Carroll took over. And they probably attend classes at the same rate Carroll’s players did at USC.
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Tiger Woods was asked if he had tried to clear the air with Sergio Garcia after the Players Championship. His one word answer – “No.” Guess this marriage cannot be saved.
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Ray Manzarek of the Doors died today. Scary Doors sidelight. Had he lived, Jim Morrison would be 69. A few months younger than Mick Jagger.
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The NFL is close to moving the draft from April to May. Translation, “We want one more month of post-Super Bowl hype to take the spotlight from other sports.”.
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Relations between President Obama and the media may not be at their best, but up in Canada….. The Toronto Star and Gawker are raising money to buy a video from Somali drug dealers that purports to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack.
(What are signs that Rob Ford was smoking crack…. for starters was it his alleged planned Stanley Cub victory parade for the Maple Leafs?)
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Yahoo bought Tumblr and in a press release “Promises not to screw it up.” Uh, could they un-screw up Yahoo mail first?
Mark Obenshain, GOP nominee for Virginia attorney general, introduced a bill in 2009 that would make it a crime for women not to report a miscarriage to police within 24 hours. Why stop there? Why not also make it a crime for men to “spill their seed upon the ground?”
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A winning Mega Millions lottery ticket was sold in New Jersey, although the winner has yet to claim the prize. Presumably because he/she is busy making plans with the winnings to move out of New Jersey.
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Meanwhile, back at IRSGate or whatever they call it now, Okay, I get that the Tea Party may have been targeted unfairly by the IRS. But while they are proclaiming their outrage, would some Tea Party leaders also like to explain how they are a social welfare organization and not a political organization?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Oklahoma, Pete Carroll jokes, tornado jokes, Toronto jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 19, 2013
Ken Rosenthal thinks that Don Mattingly soon to be fired as #Dodgers manager. Wouldn’t it be worse punishment to make him stay whole season?
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Meanwhile #SFGiants. This road trip might be the worst ever not involving the Donner Party.
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If misery loves company, then at least relations betweens SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers fans may never be better.
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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy said this has been the worst week he can remember “Wanna trade?” asked President Obama?
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Meanwhile MLB umpires are thinking next week can’t get any worse… From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but he was heard singing the other day ”cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base at the old ball game.”
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A Florida Lottery executive told the AP. “We’re delighted right now that we have the sole winner,” and added that Florida has had more Powerball winners than any other state. Uh, except that as far as bragging, this is kind of the opposite of winning the state IQ test.
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Star Trek: Into Darkness” had a $70.6 million opening weekend in the U.S.- slightly disappointing to Paramount executives who had expected more. On the other hand, $70.6 million is pretty impressive considering how many theater-goers went without a date.
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A SNL skit last night paid homage to “The Graduate” as Seth Meyers broke up Stefon’s wedding. Reading this, a number of younger Americans no doubt are thinking “What’s ‘The Graduate?’” A number of older Americans are thinking “Who’s Stefon?”
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Now that gay marriage is legal in France, how long until the next trend is winking at married gay couples having affairs?
A man is in critical condition after falling from a roof during a San Francisco Bay to Breakers party Sunday. Which is sad, but did the media even need to add that police suspected alcohol “may have been involved?”
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That story about the 21 year old student on Long Island, NY who was taken hostage and then accidentally killed by a police bullet is awful. But once again, I wonder, if even a trained professional can make such a mistake in the heat of battle, why do so many think more armed amateurs will make us safer?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Powerball jokes, Star Trek jokes. umpire jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 11, 2013
NBA playoffs on TNT. You know we’re talking major media outlet when the commercials are for CaliforniaPsychics.com “$1 a minute but the first question is free.
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This post is a joint effort with my friend Alex Kaseberg: Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing badly. But the team has started referring to Dodger Stadium as “the Friendly Confines.”
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In yesterday’s Astros-Angels game, the umpires mistakenly allowed Houston to make a second pitching change before the original reliever threw a pitch. (This is illegal starting in Little League.) So after the missed home run call Wednesday, we’ve now had blind, and dumb. Waiting to see what they’ll do for deaf.
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If it’s not one thing, it’s another. New Rutgers men’s basketball coach Eddie Jordan said he was a 1977 graduate from the university. But apparently while Jordan attended Rutgers, he never received a degree. So maybe this makes Eddie a perfect fit for today’s players.-
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1 in 8 Americans over the age of 60 says their memory is getting worse, which could be a sign of a Alzheimer’s problem. On the other hand as most parents who remind teenagers of various things will confirm ….memory loss begins at puberty.
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“Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham says that despite selling her sex tape for $1 million, she’s “not that sexually active.” Glad she cleared that up. Her parents must be so proud.
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Suri Cruise, 7, has apparently signed (?!) a contract to launch a fashion line for young girls. The first “Suri” collection will be available this fall in New York. Well, at least Suri’s older than the kids who will be making the clothes.
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An American Heart Association study found that owning a pet and found that owning a pet is “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. This may be because of the companionship, or in the case of cats, because they teach people how to relax and not give a sh*t.
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Roy Halladay today apologized to Philly fans for his performance before going on the DL, “….and my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don’t get to see what they want to see.” Down in Los Angeles, Angels and Dodgers fans are waiting for apologies from their whole teams.
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MLB has suspended umpire Fieldin Culbreth for two games. Culbreth is the crew chief who didn’t know on Thursday that a relief pitcher has to face one batter before being replaced. Presumably two days off is enough time to read the rule book?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Janice Houghs, mothers day jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 9, 2013
What’s going on in LA with the #Dodgers & #Angels? #Clippers & #Lakers saying “We didn’t look that bad until we made it to the playoffs.”.
Pau Gasol will be the latest Laker to have surgery, with an operation on his knees scheduled for tomorrow. This Los Angeles team is increasingly becoming an expensive burden on Medicare.
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The government has apparently made a deal with former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling to cut his sentence down to 10 years from 17 1/2, in exchange for Skilling dropping his expensive appeals and making $40 million restitution. More of the Golden Rule at work, if you have gold, you can bend the rules.
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Good news that Blue Jays pitcher J.A.Happ has been released from the hospital after taking a wicked line drive off the head last night. Here’s hoping Happ is back on the mound soon, ideally against the Angels. They’re not hitting the ball hard enough to hurt anybody.
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Just how much do they hate Democrats in Mark Sanford’s congressional district? Mark Sanford’s election brings to mind the 1991 gubernatorial race in Louisiana. Where Edwin Edwards, dogged his whole career by corruption allegations, and eventually incarcerated, ran again neo-Nazi David Duke. And won. The bumper sticker at the time “Vote for the Crook, It’s Important.”
(my friend Michael Powers asks – who has done more for the institution of marriage, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?)
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And yet MORE “stuff” you couldn’t make up: Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of the Christian Grammy-nominated metal band “As I Lay Dying” has been arrested for allegedly trying to hire a hitman to kill his estranged wife. Over-under on how long it takes for the made-for-TV movie?
The SF Giants’ Barry Zito has 4 hits in 12 at bats in 2013, including 2 RBI’s, plus 5 sac bunts. A pinch hitter is born?
Levi Strauss & Co will be the company to put its name on the SF #49ers stadium in Santa Clara. Guess the price of jeans is going up.
And let the puns begin.
So will #SF49ers new #Levi Stadium address be 501 Bill Walsh Drive?
Presumably season ticket holders will have to wash their seats a few times to feel truly comfortable….
(more to follow, and readers’ ideas encouraged.)
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All these conservatives screaming over Benghazi. Would be easier to take if any of them acted like they gave a damn about Christopher Stevens and our embassies before it happened.
More “stuff” you can’t make up…. Oliver North on FOX News talking about Benghazi and claiming the Obama administration “falsified talking points provided to people who were going to speak publicly about it…”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Benghazi jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Levi's jokes, Levis stadium jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 6, 2013
The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.
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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….
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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.
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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?
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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.
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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.
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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Congress jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes
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December 11, 2012
In a recent survey, San Francisco was voted the second-smartest city in the U.S., finishing behind Boston. Well, except that folks from San Francisco are smart enough not to run losing campaigns for President.
Starbucks sold 5,000 limited-edition stainless steel gift cards for $450 each, which were loaded with just $400 in Starbucks credit. Now some of the cards are selling on EBay for over $1000. Because nothing says I like paying too much for fancy coffee like an overpriced gift card?
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The Colts, Seahawks, and yes, even the Redskins have a good chance of all making the playoffs in 2012. So can we get rid of the rumor that rookie QB’s can’t lead an NFL team?
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Interesting, at this point it looks like Stanford will have more people attending the Rose Bowl than attending most of this year’s home games.
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Many Americans are wondering now who will be Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Of course many in the younger generation are wondering “What’s ‘Time Magazine.’?”‘
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Some stories this morning trying to make a big deal out of the fact that Andrew Cuomo refused to endorse Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. Suppose it’s too much to ask that we at least not start the next campaign until after Obama’s second inauguration.
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So after Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks demolished the Arizona Cardinals 58-0, wonder if Jim Harbaugh sent him a text asking “So what’s YOUR deal?”
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My friend Tony Alan Banks says “Many people are surprised by the success of the Seattle Seahawks. Not me, I watched as Pete Carroll coached professional football players here at USC.”
(but hey, isn’t it nice to see Pete can do as well with less highly paid talent?)
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A Santa in Toronto, Canada has been fired after told a 3 year old boy wearing a Maple Leafs hat that his team sucked. Presumably the man is now fielding several offers from stores on the North Side of Chicago.
(and moreover, this time Santa Claus was wrong. This year so far the Leafs do not suck.)
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The 37 year old Arizona man was a co-winner in the Nov. 28 Powerball lottery says he took the one-time payout of $192 million because of the potential upcoming fiscal cliff. Right. Now there’s someone who really has to worry about a tax increase.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers new ownership has now committed $650 million to players under contract. Forget “The Boys of Summer,” we’re now approaching “The Billionaire Boys Club.”
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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has now been hired at Western Kentucky. While NFL players are restricted from all sorts of things, wonder if Petrino will be the first coach to be banned from getting on a motorcycle. Or at least from riding with a passenger.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Person of the Year jokes, Pete Carroll jokes. Starbucks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 10, 2012
Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.
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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.
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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?
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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?
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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”
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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.
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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.
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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?” Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”
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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?
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From T.C. “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! “
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Trivia question for the day:
Which are the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?
Answer ( none of them from the SEC) : Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, college football jokes, Dodgers jokes, Lakers jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes
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October 2, 2012
19 years ago today, the SF Giants needed to win their 104th game of the year against the LA Dodgers to reach the postseason. Whatever you say about Barry Zito, he’s no Salomon Torres.
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Bummer ending for Dodgers fans. That may be the last time many of them stick around for the ninth inning.
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Of the teams with the seven highest payrolls in MLB, not counting the Dodgers after their big trade, four of them didn’t make the playoffs this year. (Yes, Phillies, Red Sox, Angels and Marlins, I’m talking about you.)
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Bristol Palin is on DWTS again? She wasn’t even a star the first time. Guess she really wants to show young girls that becoming a teen mom can ruin your life.
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A video of Paul Ryan in 2011 has him saying “70% of Americans want the American Dream. Only 30 % want the welfare state.” Does that mean Mitt figures 17% of Americans got lazier in the past year?
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NY GM Brian Cashman said he would like the team to win its 28 World Series as one last gift to his late father, who was a big fan and passed away in September. “How sweet” said children of Yankee fans. “Oh STFU,” said children of Cubs fans.
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MLB has said it could be FRIDAY until game times for Saturday are announced. Basically so they can assure that NY will be in primetime. Yankees suck!
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Mitt Romney said today he would honor the temporary visas President Obama granted to some illegal immigrants. Some conservatives were up in arms, others just laughed and decided to wait for next week.
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Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said today last night’s loss “I couldn’t be more disappointed.” And Cowboys fans said “Well, unless you paid your hard-earned money for tickets to that debacle.”
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New Orleans Hornets basketball player Lance Thomas says he doesn’t think he violated any NCAA rules when he bought almost $100,000 in diamond jewelry during his Duke college career. What’s his defense? “It was Duke, didn’t everybody?”
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Ohio State and TCU have signed up to play a “home and home” football series in 2018-19. Of course the way the Big Ten has been playing lately, maybe it’s TCU who considers the Buckeyes “the Little Sisters of the Poor.”
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Rough week for American Airlines, now with a flight from Chicago to London needing to divert to Shannon because of a “smoky odor” coming from an overheated fan. Stand by for the merged United-Continental Airlines’ new motto – “We suck less.”
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A fire damaged a home in Berkeley, CA and resulted in an entire block losing power after a seagull flew into a power line. Wonder how long it will take residents to protest having power lines where birds can fly into them.
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From Marc Ragovin: The Bikini Basketball League is gearing up for its inaugural season. Fans will be rooting for strings of wins, and losses of strings.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Airlines jokes, Cowboys jokes, Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 11, 2012
Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)
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AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:
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From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein: “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”
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Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?
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A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that gay relationships are ruining society.
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You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.
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After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.
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At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?
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If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities, it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.
For a small sample, the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”
(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Los Angeles jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 1, 2012
So the GOP is done with their convention, and next week it’s the Democrats’ turn. Former President Bill Clinton is expected to play a large role this time around. Rumor has it he’s already volunteered to help the Secret Service with their advance scouting.
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Quote of the week?. “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts,” Some crazy Democrat? No, Karl Rove.
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In Texas, Allen High School has just opened $60 million double-decked stadium that seats 18,000 and features a 38 ft HD video screen. Wonder if it’s part of the school’s grand plan to apply to join the SEC?
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Meanwhile, not saying that #21 Stanford looked underwhelming in beating San Jose State 20-17. But the chair looked better against Clint Eastwood.
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Clint Eastwood was supposed to talk for five minutes. He talked for 11. Maybe the man Clint really should have been endorsing was Joe Biden.
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The happiest sentence at BCS headquarters this week – “Boise State is 0-1.”
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That “old retread” California Governor Jerry Brown, 74, said he ran 3 miles in 29 minutes this week. And challenged Chris Christie to a footrace. Now there’s a political contest I’d pay to see.
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Michigan star RB Fitzgerald Toussaint, arrested for DUI in July with .12 BAL, has been suspended for just 1 game after pleading guilty to a lesser charge. The charge – “operating a vehicle while visually impaired.” “While visually impaired?” And we thought some steroid excuses were creative.
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Mitt Romney was in Louisiana today, where the New Orleans levees so far have held. Wonder if someone warned Mitt it might not be best time or place to rail against what Government has built.
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Marco Rubio last night said that the GOP “chose more government instead of more freedom.” He apologized for the flub. But actually Rubio was being honest if you talk about marriage and women’s reproductive health….
From T.C. On 84 year-old Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for the past 63 years, signing up for 2013. “That said, the Dodgers have listed him as day-to-day.”
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Despite just adding $262 million to their payroll, the Dodgers are 3-7 in their last ten games. l Not sure who first said money can’t buy happiness. But for right now Boston Red Sox and and SF Giants fans would beg to differ.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akin jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, convention jokes, Dodgers jokes, Isaac jokes, New Orleans jokes
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August 25, 2012
Upon the death of Neil Armstrong, the U.K Guardian referred to the Apollo 11 moon landing as “the moment of greatness” that “defined the American century.” And looking forward? Well, Snooki is in labor.
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Armstrong’s death also reminds me of the quote attributed to Casey Stengel, about the truly awful 1962 New York Mets….that “man would walk on the moon before the Mets would win the pennant.
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The headlines say that Tom Cruise got off cheaply in only paying Katie Holmes 400,000 a month child support. Thinking Katie feels she got off cheap in only having to stay married to him five years.
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Joe Biden has cancelled his campaign visits to Florida due to the imminent arrival of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. Insert “more than enough blowing hot air”" joke here:
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An RV bearing the slogan “Who’s Your Daddy” is functioning as a mobile clinic doing DNA paternity tests in New York City. Wonder how long until they get a sponsorship deal with the NBA?
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At this point the extended NFL exhibition season has taken out more players than the Saints’ bounties.
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Roger Clemens, 50, tossed 3 1/3 scoreless innings for the Sugar Land Skeeters tonight, adding fuel to the rumors that he will pitch at some point this season for the Houston Astros. Although actually what Roger probably really wants is to pitch AGAINST the Astros.
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With their trade with the Red Sox, the Dodgers have added another $261 million in payroll. Any truth to the rumor that Los Angeles’s 2013 uniforms will feature pinstripes?
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The Boston Red Sox are thrilled to have gotten rid of Josh Beckett. Republicans trying to figure out the process to put Todd Akin on waivers.
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Betty White said in an interview with People that her favorite foods are “hot dogs and Red Vines and potato chips and French fries. Maybe there’s something about those preservatives.
From Marc Ragovin: Jennifer Garner recently referred to husband Ben Affleck as “walking testosterone.” In a related development, Affleck has announced that he is quitting acting to become the San Francisco Giants’ new left fielder. . . .
And an actual serious link below, though it might seem like a joke. An op-ed from Charlie Crist, the former Republican governor of Florida. Guess there’s not any chance he’ll be a surprise speaker at the GOP convention.
http://www.tampabay.com/opinion/columns/obama-is-right-leader-for-our-times/1247631
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough, Neil Armstrong jokes, Red Sox jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 25, 2012
You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”
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Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.
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Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.
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If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.
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My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”
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Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’ rotation.
Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”
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Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
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Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
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Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
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Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
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May 31, 2012
Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.
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Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out. In the same vein, the Diamondbacks’ Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity. Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career – Four are against Lincecum.
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So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?
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Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?
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Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000″ on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”
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Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”
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This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.
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Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.
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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Dodgers jokes, SF Giants jokes, snakes jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 29, 2012
Yep, he’s a laugh a minute. Mitt Romney has moved on to Wisconsin, where he told anecdotes to a crowd, saying “One of the most humorous I think relates to my father….” The story was about his dad closing a factory….
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Arlen Specter said today “Bill [Maher] had it exactly right; he said that Mitt Romney has changed positions more often than a pornographic movie queen.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology – from porn movie queens.
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Matt Kemp, on the sale of his team to a group led by Magic Johnson – “This is a pretty good day for the Dodgers.” True enough, but isn’t any day that gets Frank McCourt out of the owner’s box a “pretty good day for the Dodgers?”
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Unreal, Frank McCourt almost destroys a once-proud Dodgers franchise, and walks away with several hundred million dollars. What’s next? Someone will hire him to run an airline?
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Dwayne Wade is apparently writing a book on fatherhood, and said “For me, it was therapeutic to do this.” Impressive in this “one and done” age for NBA players. Not only that Wade can write a book, but that he knows the word “therapeutic.”
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In case you missed opening night (late night), by the time you read this, you’ve probably already also missed the 2nd game of the 2012 MLB Baseball season was televised live March 29 on MLB Network and MLB.TV with no blackout restrictions. At 2:00am Pacific Time. Thank you Bud Selig.
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Justice Scalia to Paul Clement, the lawyer arguing against “Obamacare” – “Is there any chance at all that 26 States opposing it have Republican governors and all of the states supporting it have Democratic governors? Is that possible?” Wonder if Scalia next asked if there was gambling in Casablanca?
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Bill Parcells, on the possible interim Saints coaching job: “Sean’s become a dear, dear friend. I’m trying to be a friend. If he needs me and the owner and GM feel the same way, then I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t consider it.” That and the Saints may be able to give him several million more reasons.
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One question after Romney’s latest “did he say that?” moment, i.e. telling a “humorous story” about his father closing a factory. So where does Mitt find his speechwriters?
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Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated has made his predictions for the 2012 MLB season and he has the New York Mets in last place in the NL East with a 75-87 record. Longtime New York fans are shocked – Verducci actually thinks the Mets will win 75 games?
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It’s official, there will be an “Anchorman 2″ starring Will Ferrell. I don’t know how to put this but I guess that’s kind of a big deal.
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From Marc Ragovin: New Jet Blue Slogan. “We’re Crazy About Flying.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Frank McCourt jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 23, 2011
Bail was set at $1 million for the Southern California woman who allegedly took a knife to her husband’s penis and put it down the garbage disposal.
Guess they were afraid she was likely to cut and run.
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Need a diet aid? Just read up about the relationship between “Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, and his 16-year-old wife Courtney Stodden. The couple, who married in May, gave an intimate interview to “E” news.
“I’ve got to say, if there’s only one caveat to the ocean between our [ages], I wished I was a virgin when we met,”
“It’s fine that he wasn’t!” she exclaimed. “He’s a tiger!”
Even Hugh Hefner is thinking “That’s just gross.”
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Two famous stars on the Tonight Show Friday night – Dolly Parton was Jay’s guest.
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With all these back and forth accusations of lying and not dealing in good faith, I’m getting confused. Does Congress have something to do with the lockout and the NFL with the debt ceiling?
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Wonder what would happen if God actually whispered in the ear of one of these Tea Party types “Any of you read the Bible? Jesus would tax the rich.”
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Best wishes to Christopher Schwarzengger, 13, who is fortunately expected to make a full recovery from his injuries. But the AP has it a little wrong with the lead sentence: “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest son is recovering in a hospital after a body-boarding accident at a Malibu beach.”
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And they wonder why U.S. airlines have such a bad reputation – Continental’s phone response today “Your call will be answered between one hour and two minutes and one hour and twenty minutes from now.”
Of course, it does beat (barely) the “Due to a high volume of calls, we are unable to take your call at this time.” With a hangup and then busy signal.
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Bristol Palin is continuing her book tour, and Thursday night on Dr. Drew said she was “stupid” to lie to her mother about the spring night in 2006 she lost her virginity to Levi Johnson. Okay, fine, and she was somehow on a higher plain the next couple years, since Tripp was born in late December 2008?
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New York 17, Oakland 7. Uh, I know I’ve heard talk of a deal. But how did I miss the start of the NFL preseason?
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From Zev Karlin-Neumann: “It’s supposed to be 100+ degrees and stormy in DC Saturday. I say hold the debt ceiling talks outside until there’s a deal…”
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A judge has rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers’ proposed $150 million bankruptcy financing plan. Guess he figured the plan was as likely to succeed as their team on the field this season.
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On an actual serious note, I don’t agree with everything President Obama does. But amazed by the vitriol from some Democrats. Guess they thought when Barack was talking about compromise across the aisle and “no blue states and no red states” that he was just kidding?
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What if all these candidates like Perry and Bachmann really are hearing God’s voice telling them to run? Does this mean God is a frustrated stand-up comic? (Or as Paul Seaburn says, “No, just a comedy writer looking for four more years of material.”)
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Mitt Romney has Meg Whitman as finance director for his 2012 Presidential run. Because nothing says you can make responsible decisions about our nation’s economy like hiring someone who spent $150 million on her own failed campaign.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Tea Party jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 1, 2011
Canada Day – formerly Dominion Day - celebrates celebrating the anniversary of the July 1, 1867, enactment of the British North America/Constitution Act, uniting three former British colonies into one country.
Just think, had the Constitution Act someone included Alaska, Sarah Palin would be their problem.
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Anyone else with a mean streak really want to hear some reporter ask Palin or Bachman about the origin of Canada day?
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Canada Day is marked by fireworks around the country. Of course some of those fires may be from Canucks fans who are still getting over the Stanley Cup playoffs.
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The travel story of the day revolves around a Nigerian man who boarded and flew on a Virgin America flight from JFK to Los Angeles without a ticket. He used a fake boarding pass (from the wrong day) and an old expired student id.
The man was caught this week, by Delta Airlines, when he tried to fly using the same tactics to Atlanta. TSA never noticed either time.
But to their credit, TSA catches those four ounce bottles of water every time.
(And can speak from personal experience, at JFK they absolutely caught, and scolded me for, a pocket-sized kleenex in my jeans. Your tax dollars at work.)
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Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, which actually owned MySpace, sold the company at a $545 million dollar LOSS. And it still might not have been as bad an overall deal as when he sold the Dodgers to Frank McCourt.
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While the Los Angeles Dodgers got approval Tuesday for $150 million bankruptcy financing arrangement, it turns out some team employees’ paychecks have already bounced. And the way the Dodgers are going, anything bounced isn’t likely to be caught.
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in an experiment that may be rolled out on a larger scale, four Starbucks coffee shops in the Seattle area now sell beer and wine. It’s known internally as Operation “And You Thought Our Coffee Was Expensive.”
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If the experiment catches on, we might find out the answer to a whole new question – just how many different ways can a person order a glass of wine? And of course, especially when that person is in front of you in line.
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According to ESPN, apparently negotiations between NFL owners and players are moving “backwards.” And “optimism is waning.” I don’t know – season ticketholders in Cincinnati and Charlotte, for example, are thinking they might waste a whole lot less money this fall.
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No NFL and no NBA this fall? We could be looking at a baby boomlet next spring and summer. And/or a possible increase in the divorce rate.
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Mark Halperin was suspended from MSNBC, after he didn’t realize he was on air this morning and referred to President Barack Obama as a “d*ck.” Considering Halperin has been accused in the past of having a liberal bias, I can only imagine what he has said off air about Palin and Bachmann. .
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From Gary Morton: Even though the Pope used an iPad to Tweet, the Catholic Church is not exactly the bastion of cutting-edge technology. In fact, before this week, the only hi-tech device that the Catholic Church was familiar with is the electronic ankle monitor.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Canada Day jokes, Dodgers jokes, Palin jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 28, 2011
The Los Angeles Dodgers declared bankruptcy today. So does this really make them “America’s Team?”
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Frank McCourt stated that despite the bankruptcy, for the Dodgers it would be “business as usual.” That’s what real fans are afraid of.
Picture from my friend Daniel Silveira.
New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez divulged that he has been playing through a secret knee injury, which he says he suffered a week ago while pivoting. Wonder which mirror he was in front of at the time?
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Meanwhile, on Tuesday in Wrigley Field, number 75 takes the mound for the SF Giants for the first time since April 16. Hard to believe – all that torture in the past 2 1/2 months, and Barry Zito was nowhere in sight.
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Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday on 17 of the 20 public corruption charges against him. Blago’s biggest mistake? Deciding to commit high-profile crimes in Illinois instead of Los Angeles.
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A former Citigroup V.P., Gary Foster, has been arrested and charged with charged with embezzling $19 million by transferring money from various Citibank accounts to his personal account at another bank. Great. Commit financial crimes against individuals, get arrested. Commit financial crimes against an entire country, get a bail out.
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Serena and Venus Williams both eliminated at Wimbledon. Who do these sisters think they are? American men?
But really, Americans are out of Wimbledon, and now off the leader board at most PGA events. Baseball may yet again be the “Great American Pastime” – it’s the only summer sport we’re still any good at.
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Fox News’s Chris Wallace now says he “messed up” by asking Michelle Bachmann whether she’s a “flake.” Apparently the network got an angry request for an apology – from Kellogg’s.
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Michelle Bachmann has already mixed up Lexington, MA and Lexington, NH. Today she said, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Except that the John Wayne from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, executed in 1994 for 33 murders. Think out of all those Gingrich staffers that quit Bachmann could find a good fact-checker?
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers bankruptcy, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Michelle Bachman jokes, Michelle Bachmann jokes, Rod Blagojevich jokes, Wimbledon jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 2, 2011
NJ Governor Chris Christie is under fire for using a state police helicopter to get from his son’s baseball game in Montvale, N.J. to Princeton. Good thing Arnold Schwarzenegger used his own jet, heaven knows how many baseball games and sons the former California governor might have had.
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The Bruins were 0-6 with a man advantage tonight in their 1-0 loss to the Canucks Wednesday night. So maybe instead of calling it a “power play”, Boston should call it a “brownout” play.
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The space shuttle Endeavour landed safely this morning and is now retired. Although NASA got a call from Brett Favre about the possibility of being a civilian passenger on the next flight.
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The parents of “balloon boy” are prohibited by their probation terms from making money off their story until 2013. But the couple said they will auction off the helium balloon they claimed their son floated away in to raise money for earthquake and tsunami relief in Japan. With all due respect, if it got them publicity, I think these two would auction off their son.
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A survey by a British travel agency says that while the average woman packs ten pairs of underwear for a one week trip, the average man packs three. I guess for men that means two pairs for emergencies
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According to the AP, Snooki had her international driver’s license revoked in Italy after she rear-ended her police escort and slightly injured two policemen. Just one question – who the heck gave Snooki an international driver’s license?
(As my friend Tim says “who gave her a passport?”)
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A terminal at New Jersey’s Newark Airport was briefly evacuated by authorities tonight while they investigated a suspicious package. Anthony Weiner immediately issued a statement calling the incident a prank, but said he could not confirm that the package wasn’t his.
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Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor is already suspended for selling memorabilia, and under investigation for possibly illegal benefits involving cars. Now Pryor has been seen driving a Nissan 350-Z around Columbus, despite a suspended driver’s license. Well, on the bright side, with these antics, Terrelle’s well on his way to being a first round draft pick for the Cincinnati Bengals.
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Shaquille O’Neal has announced his retirement, apparently because injuries won’t let him continue to play at a serious NBA level. Which doesn’t rule out him getting an offer from the Washington Wizards.
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A group of 100 eighth grade students from Pennsylvania went on a field trip to Baltimore. They had to split into smaller groups for lunch, and apparently about 15-20 of them going to Hooters. Well, it’s good to see that parents who chaperone now include fathers.
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Paris Hilton was interviewed by CNN’s Piers Morgan and called the her sex tape “the most embarrassing humiliating thing.” Well, except for her new show “The World According to Paris.”
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The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim had their plane make an emergency landing at Los Angeles International Airport, instead of Orange County airport 40 miles way. The landing was due to a problem with the plane’s hydraulic system. Now, if something similar had happened to the Dodgers, it probably would have been from Frank McCourt not paying the fuel bill.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Arnold jokes, Christie jokes, Dodgers jokes, OSU jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 28, 2011
When most Americans look back and remember when gas was under $3 a gallon.
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Frank McCourt has apparently secured funds to make the Dodgers payroll this month. Ah, for the good old days in Los Angeles when the only payroll worries for sports fans were about anyone finding out how much the players were getting paid at USC.
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Amy Winehouse checked back into rehab in London this week, but according to the British media, not before stopping at a shop to buy a small bottle of vodka that she swigged immediately. That’s like Lindsay Lohan stopping on her way to home confinement to go jewelery shopping.
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Fox News fired Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because of their intentions to run for President. But despite similar signs from Sarah Palin, the network is keeping her on as a contributor. Translation, compared to Gingrich and Santorum, Palin has higher ratings.
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Many sports fans around the world Saturday were rivited to the Champions’ League soccer championships between Barcelona and ManU. In the U.S., however, many would just have asked “where’s Manu?”
(responded Jerry Hoffman, “with the Spurs.”)
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The world didn’t end last weekend. Although in Chicago, where the Cubs have lost two straight to the lowly Pirates, including a 10-0 shellacking, the 2011 season may be officially over.
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Amazing, Francisco Liriano of the Twins pitched a no-hitter earlier this month, and Anthony Swarzak almost pitched one today (into the 8th). What’s most amazing, these pitchers have done this without the benefit of pitching to their own lineup.
And we wonder why U.S. airlines have such lousy reputations for both service and profitability – example number 334:
Video announcement on United Airlines “We’re taking significant steps in our merger with Continental Airlines – we’ve painted our planes….” (Really, followed by all the things they are going to do. Though to be fair the two airlines have synchonized boarding procedures, and some fees, usually by raising the lower of the two.)
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Yuma Scorpions manager Jose Canseco, who is smitten with her and has proposed marriage, has declared May 30th ‘Lady Gaga Night’ at the team’s home park.Free admission will be granted to those producing a restraining order”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Dodgers jokes, Palin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
May 18, 2011
Pakistan’s leaders are still facing allegations that they had to know about Bin Laden’s presence, which they deny. Their rejoinder today? “Hey, no one in your goverment and or even your media knew about Schwarzenegger’s ‘love child.’”
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It turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest sons – by different women – were born days apart – September 28 and October 2, 1997. You know, some men keep busy in January by watching football and maybe skiiing.
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But come on folks, everyone can’t believe why Arnold went to his relatively plain looking housekeeper for sex when he was a big celebrity married to a beautiful woman. In the words of Maureen Dowd when the Clinton-Monica story broke – “Men are lazy, they go for the closest doughnut on the plate.”
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Some say the reason there is no male birth control pill is that it’s too expensive. Although as Arnold can no doubt tell us, so is the alternative…
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The happiest people in Los Angeles right now about Schwarzenegger’s love-child? The Lakers and Frank McCourt. At least temporarily they’re not the most embarrassing stories in town.
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And somewhere, Tiger Woods is thinking, it could be worse….
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From my friend Ben Pesta, who said his friend Laurie Werner, of New York, wrote: “On June 10th, it’s ‘Jorge Posada figurine night’ at the Stadium. Guess he has to stay in the lineup until then.” I answered that they should put the figurine in the lineup; it’s hitting better ….”
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Speaking of which, the Giants’ Mark DeRosa is on the DL. Which means for the next two weeks he’ll get as many hits as he got the last two weeks.
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More cheers than boos when Cody Ross hit a 3-run home run in the top of the ninth at Dodger Stadium. Of course, it’s the ninth inning, there are more Giants fans left than Dodgers fans.
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Minnesota Timberwolves president David Kahn, who commented about the NBA lottery being fixed, now says he was joking and it was “simply fate” that the Cavaliers got the first pick. He made this statement after commissioner David Stern said if he didn’t take it back, the league would make sure the Timberwolves NEVER got a good pick.
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Possible knucklehead comment of the week in a crowded field -from Rick Santorum: John McCain “doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works.”
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On the other hand, count on Sir Charles (Charles Barkley) for a direct statement regarding gay athletes: “It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say: ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”
(I’m thinking right about now Kobe Bryant might have gone for a whole bench of gay players instead of his teammates in round two.)
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If the world is really going to end on May 21, does that mean that no one should skip dessert on the 20th?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Arnold baby jokes, Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, jokes about Schwarzenegger's baby, McCourt jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
