Posted tagged ‘Disney jokes’

TLC Family Values

May 22, 2015

TLC has apparently cancelled “19 Kids and Counting.”

 

And from the Duggar family, this direct quote from Josh’s statement. “I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

HIS life? But hey, the girls he molested, they would grow up fine with enforced future purity and “side hugs” ‪#‎sickpuppy‬

 

Waiting for the first owners of a small business to say it goes against their religious values to bake a cake for a Duggar family wedding. #duggars

 

Bus to hell moment.  Wonder if the “19 kids” in the title referred to Josh’s tally.

 

Some times the best quotes come from the oddest places. This is from Mama June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, whose family TLC show was canceled last fall after reports that she was dating a convicted child molester. “”I read that the Duggar family said this happening with their son brought them closer to God and each other. So they’re saying it’s ok to have family touch time? Hell no.”

 

Seahawks’ DE Michael Bennett says that playing for coach Pete Carroll “is like playing for Willy Wonka.” Well, except for at the end of the movie, Willy Wonka handed off the factory.

Michael Sam has signed with the CFL Alouettes and says he wants to bring a Grey Cup to Montreal. Give Sam credit, at least he knows what the Grey Cup is.

 

The San Francisco 49ers and San Diego Chargers first preseason game Sept 3 at Levi’s Stadium is now on Goldstar for half-price. But many fans may want to wait to see how much the teams will offer to pay them to show up.

Chris Christie now says the media owes him an apology over Bridgegate. Or what, he’ll close New Jersey Transit so they can’t get to work?

Disney World is trying to crack down on people who use selfie-sticks on rides at their theme parks. Ah, for a machine that could just randomly grab sticks while rides are in operation and throw them and their users off…

 

Kyrie Irving was out for Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals with left knee tendinitis. Sounds like we are getting ever closer to an NBA version of that baseball cartoon, with LeBron James channeling Bugs Bunny and playing all the positions.

LA GM Mitch Kupchak says the 2015-16 season will be Bryant’s last with the Lakers “He has indicated to me that this is it.” Kobe has one year and $25 million left on his contract. So is Bryant retiring? Or just not happy with the idea of actually being paid in future for what he is now worth.

From Marc Ragovin;  “Pete Townshend turned 70 the other day. So now instead of singing “Who Are Your?” it’s “Who Am I?”

Ownership?

May 21, 2015

 

Okay, this is a bit harsh. And the SF Giants know as well as any team how meaningless the regular season can be when you get to the playoffs.  But who says American ingenuity is dead?  From the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Wikipedia page:

 

 

wikipedia

 

Clayton Kershaw on the pitch that Madison Bumgarner hit for a home run. “It was a fastball right down the middle. I should have respected him a little more.” Well, since Madbum hit four last year, maybe Kershaw should have just watched a little tape.

There are only 18 players in MLB who have homered off of both Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. One of them is Madison “Babe” Bumgarner.

Well, on the bright side for the ‪#‎LADodgers‬, they had no wear-and-tear on their bats in 3 games at AT&T Park. ‪#‎sweep‬ ‪#‎3shutouts‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Aaron Hernandez, serving a life sentence and now on trial for witness intimidation, apparently has a new tattoo and will “face discipline” for it. So what, they are going to lock the former Patriot away for two lifetimes?

 

Brewers’ relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected tonight for allegedly having pine tar on his arm. He said it was a mixture of rosin and sunscreen that he forgot to remove before coming in. Once again I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Many complain that raising minimum wage will result in higher costs. But as USA TODAY reports, while McDonalds’ workers are pushing for a $15 hourly minimum wage, top executives at the company average $1220 an hour. Where’s the outrage over what THAT adds to the cost of a hamburger

The Duggar parents from “19 Kids and Counting” are rallying behind their son Josh, 27, after it has come out that he molested several girls when he was a teenager: “Even though we would never choose to go through something so terrible, each one of our family members drew closer to God.” Wonder if they’d be as supportive if one of their children simply came out as gay?

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Well, leaving aside the taxation and use-of- police-time issues, Philly fans need all the ways to mellow out they can get.

Kobe Bryant’s tweet on the Laker’s good luck in the NBA lottery. “We played like crap all season so it’s only right we get the #2 pick HA ‪#‎lakerluck‬ ‪#‎goodday‬” Well, and if the team only wasn’t paying $24 million to one over-the-hill player…..

Bus to hell time.  The world’s largest Disney Store opened in Shanghai and shoppers lined up for over a mile to get in. Sort of the Chinese equivalent of a school crafts fair where adults rush to buy what their children have made?

The FCC apparently has gotten 22 complaints from viewers watching golf on TV over bad language. And 15 of those involved Tiger Woods. Well, this might mean Tiger’s outbursts are in a different league. Or it might mean he’s the only golfer most people watch.

At Charlotte’s airport. a man who was angry about his flight being overbooked stripped naked in protest. And airlines are thinking, hmm… less weight, less fuel issues. Can we start having a clothing surcharge?

Citicorp, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland have pleaded guilty to rigging the currency markets in 2008 and will pay collectively more than $5 billion in penalties. And you thought your banking fees were high NOW.

So apparently that shoot out in Waco, Texas started over a parking dispute. Many women heard that and are thinking “And they weren’t even Christmas shopping?

 

From T.C.  “NFL.com is refusing to take orders for personalized jerseys with the name “DEFLATOR” on the back. How about “SSSSSSSSSSS””

It’s about time?

April 16, 2015

Too easy but someone’s got to do it. The Apple Watch, scheduled to be in stores April 24, now won’t be there until June. Isn’t the first function of a watch to be on time?

Chris Christie Tuesday said if elected President that he would enforce federal law against states that have legalized marijuana. “I will crack down and not permit it.” Whatever happened to small government “states’ rights” conservatism?

Guessing whatever electoral map the New Jersey Governor has in his head never included California, Washington and Colorado?

A West Virginia woman is suing Walt Disney Corporation, claiming that the company somehow inserted a rubber chip in her body without her consent. Really, does she expect to convince a judge or jury that Disney does ANYTHING for free?

 

So last year United Airlines took away free alcohol on international flights in coach Now they’re announcing that as of June 1 they’re offering free beer and wine to international economy class passengers. Kind of the airline equivalent of doubling prices before a “Buy one get one free” sale.

Washington State Auditor Troy Kelley has been indicted on tax-evasion charges. You’d think if nothing else he’d have been smart enough not to get caught.

So with the Warriors having the best record in the NBA, and the Spurs having the best record over the past few weeks, Vegas has of course made the favorite to win the championship – the Cavaliers. Well, makes sense, they are the closest team to the East Coast.

Toronto-based Ashley Madison is going public but in England. Going to to be interesting to see how many people buy stock who will swear they never use the website.

Really? Rush Limbaugh and others are attacking Hillary Clinton for not tipping at Chipotle, and for not introducing herself and mingling with other customers. So a- how many of these folks tip at fast food restaurants, and b- if she HAD gone in and started talking to customers, Clinton would have been accused of disrupting normal Americans’ lunch for a photo op. ‪#‎canweactuallytalkaboutissues‬?

If she had left a $20 she’d have been criticized for trying to buy votes. #cantwin

The NBA playoffs are starting. But to put in perspective how crazily long the process is, if baseball used the same format, the World Series “Fall Classic” could end in December.

The D.A in the Aaron Hernandez case said “the fact that he was a professional athlete meant nothing in the end.”. True, but had Hernandez not been an athlete they’d have locked him up and thrown away the key a long time ago. Instead of after a months long trial with the best defense money could buy.

 

#‎BruceBochy‬ turned 60 today. As the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎DBacks‬ game goes into the 12th, right about now he’s got to be feeling 70.

Some of the younger generation may find it hard to imagine travelling without cellphones. But just as hard to imagine now travelling with luggage without wheels.

If you’re reading this, are you tired of the Super Bowl pre-game already?

January 31, 2015

Okay, is it too late to put a prop bet that the Super Bowl MVP’s first utterance to the media will be “I’ve gotten a measles vaccination and I’m going to Disneyland?”

And it’s so hard to keep up with all this pre-Super Bowl stuff. Do we know how much the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch today?

Aaron Hernandez, formerly a Patriots star until his arrest in 2013 for murder, will not be able to watch the Super Bowl in jail. “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

 

Richard Sherman’s pregnant girlfriend told him not to skip the Super Bowl if she goes into labor the day of the game. Makes sense, what woman wants to be going through the delivery process with a guy who is yelling louder than she is?

 

Not sure who’ll be “going to Disneyland” after tomorrow’s Super Bowl,” but if it’s a member of the Patriots Disney is ordering extra guards to make sure nobody lets the air out of those Mickey Mouse balloons.

Sacramento police arrested an 8th grade girl for distributing home-made pot brownies to her classmates. Not sure what will happen to her in the legal system but the girl was voted “Most likely to open a restaurant in Colorado.”

More snow is expected by Monday on the East Coast. Which means forget about Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow or not. With enough snow no one will be able to see Punxsutawney Phil.

Sports bettors lost a record amount in 2014 in Vegas. Wonder how many of those losses were people betting on teams from New York?

As we are about the halfway point in the endless NBA season, who had the top two teams by record being the Atlanta Hawks and the Golden State Warriors? Now all you liars put your hands down.

People magazine is reporting that Bruce Jenner is “transitioning into life as a woman.” In related news for people who have been watching the former Olympic star, water is wet.

 

 

Carl Djerassi, 91, the Stanford chemist who developed the birth control pill, has died. As far as tributes, wonder how many millions of people are thankful they didn’t have kids to name after him?

 

Although re Djerassi, isn’t “Father of the Birth Control Pill” an oxymoron?

Follow the money

May 19, 2014

The NY Racing Association stewards today unanimously approved equine nasal strips. Which means California Chrome can wear one during the Belmont. Translation, “we want people to watch the race.”

 

Disney is hiking prices for its one-day “Parkhopper” pass to both Disneyland and California Adventure Park over 10% to $150. For that amount of money people who want to see a high-priced Mickey Mouse organization can buy Lakers tickets

 

Gender equality “crooks are stupid” moment. Danielle Shea, 22, had dropped out of Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. But she hadn’t told her parents, who were still sending money for tuition. So, as she admitted to police, she made bomb threats before the graduation ceremony so her parents wouldn’t find out. (Police caught Ms. Shea because she made the threats from her own phone.)

 

Kudos to Brandon Marshall, who signed his 3 year, $31 million contract extension with the Chicago Bears today on “The View.” Marshall, who has said he has a Borderline Personality Disorder, also said he would donate $1 million to mental health services. Nice move, and guessing Bears fans who might have a problem with it weren’t likely to be watching “The View” anyway.

A European cruise ship, the Saga Sapphire, was temporarily stranded off the coast of Scotland when a fire caused the vessel to lose power. But the crew was able to quickly contain the blaze and restore power so the Sapphire will return to port and its regular schedule as normal. The passengers were relieved. CNN is disappointed.

At Austin Peay State, in Tennessee, a giant 40 foot sinkhole has opened up in one end zone. And the Washington Redskins are thinking “Hmm, potentially one way to keep opposing offenses from scoring?”

About 1.8 million pounds of ground beef in the U.S. is being recalled for possible E. coli contamination. Which means Taco Bell customers are safe as they never use any actual beef anyway.

All of this speculation over who will and will not run for President in 2016, even though the primaries are almost two years away…. The process is becoming almost as over-hyped as the NFL draft.

 

The FAA is apparently investigating an April incident where a United Airlines flight from SFO landing at Newark apparently came within 400 feet of an ExpressJet United Express flight taking off. See, there are potentially worse things that can happen than just ending up in New Jersey.

So the problem a lot of people have with the San Antonio Spurs is that they are “boring?” Meaning they play team basketball without a lot of showboating and their stars generally stay on the sports page instead of the front page? And the NBA wonders sometimes why they have an image problem.

Researchers at the University of Sydney examined seven sets of data involving more than 1.25 million children and concluded that there was NO evidence to support a relationship between common vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus and whooping cough and the development of autism. Which will convince exactly no one who believes otherwise because it involves commie-pinko science and numbers.

Lance Armstrong apparently tweeted a picture while he was playing “Cards Against Humanity,” and got the card saying “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.” But the real question, which card did Lance use to answer?

No laughing matter?

September 11, 2013

As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.

My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.

 

McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.

Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs

 

What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.

 

Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.

USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.

 

Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.

Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.

 

 

Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…

 

Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?

 

Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.

Happiest Place on Earth? Not before I get my bleeping coffee….

June 19, 2013

Some Walt Disney visitors are reportedly upset that the Main Street Bakery in the Magic Kingdom will now be a Starbucks. One said “Disney is a place of dreams, not brands.” Right. Wonder if the change will have any effect at all on Disney’s stock price.

The Men’s Wearhouse has fired founder and executive president George Zimmer. So if you own one of their suits, guess you may not like the way you look anymore, because he no longer guarantees it.

Police reportedly searched the home of New England Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez Tuesday after the body of one of his alleged “associates” was found nearby. Very limited information so far but let this be a reminder to grumpy Patriots fans- there are worse things that can happen to a team than signing Tim Tebow.

A disgruntled former employee of Biogenesis now says clinic founder Anthony Bosch visited A-Rod at his request during a 1 for 9 slump in the 2012 ALCS. Is there anyone involved in this case who doesn’t make you want to take a shower.

Manny Ramirez, who was having a good season for the EDA Rhinos, is nonetheless leaving Taiwan. Reportedly some Japanese teams are interested. Maybe Manny’s going for the record of quitting on teams in the most countries?

As we approach the NBA finals game 7 in Miami, Bill Littlejohn reminds us that game 6  featured “one of the wildest comebacks ever—Heat fans trying to come back into the arena after leaving.”

Ann Romney made a polite appearance before the San Diego City Council to complain about the city’s permit and public noticing procedure, as it took about two years for approval of her and Mitt’s plan to bulldoze a 3,000 sq ft home to expand it to 11,000 sq ft. Two years? Palo Alto and San Francisco want to know how San Diego has their process so streamlined.

Some things just write their own punchlines: Senator Marco Rubio has proposed an amendment to the immigration bill to make immigrants prove they are proficient in English before obtaining permanent residency….

Following a discussion with my niece have to think it could be a good way to reduce the deficit,  if America’s white trash hase to prove they are proficient in English to keep their citizenship, we could get rid of a lot of deadwood.

(Do wonder, would Rubio make an exception, for example, for someone who could throw a 95 MPH fastball. Or hit one?  )

Tonight’s Stanley Cup score – a 6 to 5 Blackhawks win over the Bruins in OT. 11 goals in a hockey game?! Quick, start the PED rumors….

Alaska GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski, the latest to support gay marriage: “it keeps politicians out of the most private and personal aspects of peoples’ lives – while also encouraging more families to form and more adults to make a lifetime commitment to one another.” Sounds like reasonable conservative family values to me.

A self-described “anti-indecency” Texas Republican speaking in favor of an anti-abortion bill talked about 15 week fetuses: If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain.” Uh, if the future babies are masturbating in utero, aren’t they going to hell anyway?


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