Posted tagged ‘Cubs jokes’

Could she talk?

September 4, 2014

Joan Rivers has passed away. What she is no doubt most upset about is that she can’t make inappropriate jokes at her own funeral.

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But if Rivers lost weight in her medically induced coma it could be her last dream come true – this after all is a woman who said of Karen Carpenter “I have no sympathy for anyone who gets thin enough to be buried in pleats.”

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Best comment though comes from Alex Kaseberg:  “Big Joan Rivers fan. Why do I want to believe that her last words were; “Oh, super, I get to follow Robin Williams.”

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“Dancing with the Stars” has announced their 2015 “cast”. Although truthfully the show should be known as “Dancing With a Whole Lot of People You Vaguely Remember or Have Heard Of.”

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Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, once considered a potential V.P candidate, was convicted along with his wife on multiple counts of conspiracy to defraud the citizens of Virginia, wire fraud, conspiracy and influence-peddling. Down in Louisiana they’re sniffing,  “Amateurs.”

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Suspended Denver Broncos WR Wes Welker, still claiming innocence on how he could have been suspended for drug use, says maybe someone put something in his drink. I see a new business opportunity. Safety beverage lids for athletes? (To go along with something to test for tainted supplements.)

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Josh Gordon cannot play for the NFL or CFL this year due to his marijuana suspension, but the Browns receiver is going to work for an Ohio car dealer. So will their slogan be “At least our prices aren’t high?”

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Ah for the days when the only days that someone could get anything incriminating from a phone was to pick up an extension and listen in from another room…..

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In Oregon, a veterinarian who performed emergency surgery on a Great Dane found the dog had eaten 43 1/2 socks. And clothes dryers across the country are now saying they’re the victims of profiling.

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Why there is no satire. Bill O’Reilly warned his viewers “When you hear something on a partisan-driven program, do not believe it” And O’Reilly made the statement on Fox News.

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More “Why there is no satire.” Little League star Mo’ne Davis has said her first love is basketball and she’d love to be a UConn Husky. And after the LLWS Geno Auriemma called Davis to congratulate her. So now apparently another school has reported the call to the NCAA as a recruiting violation, because Mo’Ne is an 8th grader and student-athletes can’t be contacted until they are in 9th grade…..

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Malaysia Airlines has decided to change the name of a promotional competition they were running, called “My Ultimate Bucket List Challenge.” The real challenge is how anyone thought that was a good name in the first place.

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The Chicago Cubs announced SS Starlin Castro has a high ankle sprain and will probably miss the rest of the regular season. Uh, except for the Cubs is there anything BUT the regular season?

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The Oakland Raiders have settled a lawsuit with 90 cheerleaders who accused the team of not paying minimum wage. The team will pay out a total of $1.25 million. To put that in perspective, that’s about 3% of what the Raiders paid JaMarcus Russell.

Told by an idiot

August 24, 2014

Did Shakespeare envision NFL preseason football when he wrote “sound and fury, signifying nothing?”

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A chef in China decapitated a rare Indochinese spitting cobra to make a snake soup, and the severed head bit him with a fatal dose of venom. Now that’s “Die Hard, with a Vengeance.”

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Why there is no satire? A young woman who won the title of Miss Antioquia was stripped of her crown and kicked out of the Miss Colombia pageant after online pictures showed her in an overly skimpy bikini. As opposed to the skimpy bikini which she was supposed to wear in the pageant?

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Bud Selig when asked about what he will do about Pete Rose “I’m going to do what I think is right.” What, no blue ribbon committee?

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Congratulations to the Chicago Little League team for getting to the LLWS finals. Who knows if they can beat South Korea tomorrow. But Vegas already has them favored in a hypothetical matchup with the Cubs.

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Minnesota scored 32 against Detroit in two games. Time for the Tigers to fire their defensive coordinator?

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The Oakland Athletics are checking out the possibility of building a new stadium on their Coliseum site. Sounds good, but as far as where they play while they’re building, has anyone thought about holding off on pushing that plunger at Candlestick.

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Bud Selig, dodging a question about Pete Rose. “You are always concerned about integrity. A sport without integrity is not a sport.” And over at the BCS they’re just giggling.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach  – “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

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The Pentagon is complaining that in 2014 there have been at least 4 times that a Chinese warplane has buzzed U.S. military aircraft. The Chinese Defense Ministry said the criticism is “totally groundless.” Would they have preferred the US made Asian driver jokes?

 

 

 

Michael Sam sacked Johnny Manziel tonight. In what must have been a very tough moment for anyone who was both tired of Johnny Football’s act and a homophobe.

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But was the sack enough to keep Michael on the team?  So that we can all write the headline  “Sam I Ram.”

 

Ice bucket lists.

August 21, 2014

Obama says he has donated to ALS research but declined to participate in the #Icebucketchallenge. For which some are criticizing him. Had the President joined in, however, he would have been criticized for not acting presidential, or for wasting water…..

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The Nationals have won 10 games in a row. Finally, something in Washington that won’t be blamed on Obama.

 

 

Twinkies have returned to store shelves but Hostess says they are closing one of the four bakeries that make them. Well, suppose they’ve probably baked at least a 10 year supply by now anyway.-

 

 

 

Bud Selig, while he was in Oakland this week said that the increasingly slow pace of baseball games “drives me crazy.” Meanwhile, he had nothing to report on his “Blue Ribbon Committee” for the potential As move to San Jose, which Selig formed in 2009….

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The Pittsburgh Steelers top two RBs, Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, will both be charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop. No word on their punishment but wonder when the NFLPA will start pushing for all training camps to be in Colorado and Washington?

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Missouri RNC executive director Matt Wills is outraged about reports of voter registration booths in Ferguson. “If that’s not fanning the political flames, I don’t know what is. I think it’s not only disgusting but completely inappropriate.” Actually it seems very appropriate. Whichever “side” you’re on, voting seems more productive than just protesting.

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From my funny friend, Jerry Perisho. “The SF Giants won a protest over their rain-shortened loss to the Chicago Cubs; so the game will be resumed today.. Meanwhile, the Cubs filed a protest requesting that each of their games over the last 106 years be replayed.”

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Nice family values defense for former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell in his corruption trial – it’s all my wife’s fault.

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Thursday,  Bank of America announced they have reached a $16.65 billion agreement, the biggest settlement in history, for allegedly misleading the buyers of mortgage-backed bonds. Friday I assume the bank will announce that checking fees are going up.

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Pete Rose is hoping for a “second chance” from MLB as they change commissioners. Here’s a simple solution. Keep Rose from ever working in baseball again, but put him in the HOF.. Not like it’s exactly a Hall of Saints.

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So the 49ers have replaced some loose sod in their new Levi’s stadium that apparently was causing players to slip. So does this mean the team thinks the Broncos, who won 34-0 in last Sunday’s preseason game, just had better cleats?

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Why there is no satire. 50 Cent gave Floyd Mayweather an ice bucket alternative, to read one page of a ‘Harry Potter’ book in exchange for $750,000 to a charity of Mayweather’s choice. 50 Cent meant it as an English as a Second Language reading taunt, but he called it an ALS/ELS challenge….

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that “although we have no clear evidence”, there’s a ‘very real possibility’ that “because of the condition of the border, from the standpoint of it not being secure and us not knowing who is penetrating across, that individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be entering the U.S.” As opposed to all those who have entered the U.S. legally and/or were home grown?

 

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T.C. says the dreaded SI  jinx may have come into play for a 13 year old Little League pitcher? Mo’Ne Davis’s  team was eliminated with two losses in a row after they put her on the cover.

Cold shoulders, etc.

August 20, 2014

George W. Bush has taken the #ALSicebucketchallenge and challenged Bill Clinton to do the same. And Bill responded “Take the Ice bucket challenge? I’ve been married to her for 39 years?
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Sarah Palin, still annoyed at Tina Fey: “You need to at least pay for my kids’ braces or something from all the money that you made off of pretending that you’re me! My goodness, you capitalized on that” But what about all the money Palin has made pretending that she’s a serious politician?

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The father of a Texas teenager who escaped jail due to his “affluenza” defense, has now himself been arrested for impersonating a police officer. (Dad allegedly threatened a neighbor, then presented fake credentials to that neighbor and the real police.) Guess this apple didn’t swagger far from the tree
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According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL time, worth $3.2 billion. Gosh. Can you imagine how much the team would be worth if they ever had some revenue from the playoffs.

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CNN headline: Iceland’s Bardarbunga volcano rumbles, could threaten air travel. The volcano hasn’t erupted yet, and last erupted in 1910. But the network is already so excited about another potential plane story…..

So in the 4th inning, it was not yet an official game, but 8-2 for the SF Giants. Wonder if Cubs ground crew thought about turning on the sprinklers?

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#HunterPenceSigns Hunter Pence knows how to unroll a bleeping tarp #Tarpgate #Wrigley #SFGiants #Cubs

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#NotTheOnion – John Shea reports that #Cubs grounds crew was watering the field at #Wrigley today. #TarpGate

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Philadelphia pitcher A.J. Burnett says he is thinking of retiring after the season. As opposed to the rest of the Phillies, who called it quits before the All-Star break.

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Headline for today “Is Rick Perry sunk for 2016?” This assumes he was ever afloat.

Tarp Gate

August 19, 2014

wrigley

They took so long to announce fate of #SFGiants #Cubs game at Wrigley, figure Bud Selig has a Blue Ribbon committee deciding it.

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If the #SFGiants lose a playoff spot by one game will some other team vote a playoff share to the #Cubs ground crew?

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Tuesday  night’s rain delay lasted longer than the Cubs 2014 playoffs hopes.

 

 

Uber has introduced “Uber Corner Store” a new trial service offering on-demand fast delivery of medicine, toiletries and other products. Thinking this could be a very popular business in Colorado.

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New Orleans plays Cleveland on September 14.  After last night’s salute Saints’ defenders won’t need bounties to want to knock Manziel’s head off.

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Okay, heaven knows I am not a Seahawks fan. But just have to wonder the reaction if instead of Johnny Manziel flipping the bird at the opposing bench last night, it had been Richard Sherman.

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If the MLB season ended today, for the first time since 1993, neither the #RedSox nor #Yankees would be in the playoffs. Tragic, really.

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Ohio State star QB Braxton Miller reinjured his right, throwing shoulder yesterday in practice and may miss his senior season. The poor kid may have nothing to do this year but go to class.

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Former American Idol contestant William Hung just got married. Just guessing no one asked him to sing at his own wedding.

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Soccer star Luis Suarez stated today “I will not bite again.” Wonder if besides playing for Barcelona if Suarez is auditioning for a part in that A T & T Vampire movie commercial….

 

Who knows whether this Rick Perry indictment over trying to force a D.A. to resign from office will amount to anything. But somewhere in NJ Chris Christie has to be thinking “Couldn’t you have just closed one of her bridges or something?”

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British cyclist Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, banned for two years, says he did not blood dope but instead blamed his abnormal results on dehydration from an “alcoholic binge” with his girlfriend while celebrating his new Team Sky contract, drinking the equivalent of about a liter of vodka. The story didn’t work, but even if it had, guessing the team might have terminated him anyway for the stupidity.

 

The Cleveland Browns say they are not ready to name a starting QB. Well, the best of them yesterday was clearly Connor Shaw. 8 of 9 for 123 yards and a touchdown.

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So what do you get if you cross Tebowing and Manzieling?   A one-fingered prayer?  But no touchdowns.

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Can the #SFGiants borrow #JohnnyManziel to salute the #WrigleyField grounds crew?

 

The Wall St Journal has reported that the NFL is asking potential acts for the 2015 halftime show to PAY the league for the privllege of performing. And what if they don’t? The league will just have to raise ticket, hot dog and beer prices? #noshame

 

 

 

Bud Selig, whose Blue Ribbon committee on the Oakland A’s moving to San Jose never ruled in 5 plus years, talking today about how the team needs a new ballpark “This is always something I wanted to get resolved before I leave office, which is another 5½ or six months.” Gosh, and Selig said it with a straight face.

A good kid with a gun?

July 30, 2014

A Florida mother has been arrested for letting her seven-year-old son walk to a local park alone, and having the boy carry a cellphone in case of any problems. Well, duh, it’s Florida, she should have sent the kid with a gun.

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Red Lobster is trying to turn around their ailing business by focusing on more attractive plate presentation with their entrees. Right. Would like to see the Venn diagram between those who like to take pictures of their food and Red Lobster customers.

 

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As we near the trade deadline a lot of mediocre players suddenly look very attractive to desperate teams. It’s the MLB equivalent of 15 minutes before closing time.

This just in. #DavidPrice and #JonLester have still not been traded. And Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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Shocking. “The Bachelorette” apparently had sex with two different contestants on the show. Does that make her an honorary guy?

 

(Although some of the former Bachelors are thinking “only two?”)

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The NFL has indicated they will not accept Josh Gordon’s “secondhand marijuana smoke” defense. Probably as well that drug testing didn’t take place during the 1970s. Or the league might have suspended any player who went to Grateful Dead concerts.’

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Adam Silver wants to change the lottery format to allow all 14 teams a relatively equal chance at the #1 pick.. The 76ers are upset, as they were 19-63 last season and were planning to tank again. The rest of the league wonders how the NBA will make this work to give one more #1 pick to the Cavaliers.

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The Chicago Cubs (44-61) beat the Colorado Rockies (43-63  last night in 16 innings. And if you watched the entire game and aren’t related to one of the players, you just might have too much time on your hands.

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#‎Cubs‬ catcher ‪#‎JohnBaker‬ pitched 2 innings tonight, got the win, & scored winning run. Could ‪#‎SFGiants‬ trade for Baker? Need his arm & bat.

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An Indiana man has won a $1 million in the lottery twice in the past three months. So he was still playing? Guess a million doesn’t go as far as it used to. Even in Indiana.

 

The “People’s Choice” awards just announced they will add a special achievement award next year just for Orlando Bloom.

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Eric Chavez retired today. He couldn’t have done it last year and let Yusmeiro Petit throw a perfect game? #SFGiants?

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The Dan Uggla era with the #SFGiants is over as Uggla was released today. It takes some work to have your tenure with a team include less hits (and walks) than errors.   (0-11 with 3 errors.)  Even pitchers are impressed.

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President Obama to Congressional Republicans in a speech today. Stop being mad all the time. Stop just hating all the time. Come on.” And the GOP responded “Hey, lay off our mission statement.”

Time for the Church of Baseball?

July 29, 2014

Forget all these minor league players the #SFGiants are using to try to right the ship. Is Susan Sarandon busy? #bulldurham

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#SFGiants fans doing the wave? Is this a competition to see if folks in the stands can be as embarrassing as team on the field?

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With so many teams thinking they have a chance for a Wild Card, there’s a lot less action around the July 31 MLB trade deadline. Of course, if baseball wanted more media attention, they’d figure out a way to get Lebron James involved in some of these decisions.

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With the trade deadline approaching, players’ families on non-contending teams are anxiously awaiting possible moves. Which means in late July with the Cubs, most wives have real estate agents on speed dial.

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Donald Trump just said he won’t do anything ‘totally stupid’ in his bid to buy NFL’s Buffalo Bills. Why stop now?

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FSU will use GPS tracking devices on their football team this season during games. The school wants to monitor and track different analytics to prevent injuries. Tallahassee police presumably wonder if the players can keep them on 24-7?

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A new study found that more than 35 % of Americans have debts in collection. And Texas cities have some of the largest shares of their populations being reported to collection agencies: Dallas (44.3 %); El Paso (44.4 %), Houston (43.7 %), McAllen (51% and San Antonio (44%). Heck of a Texas Miracle, Rick Perry.

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Not the NFL.  Apparently #ESPN actually worries about losing their female audience.. Steven A. Smith was suspended 5 shows for his comments…., more than #RayRice.

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Almost as creative as “Witness for the Prosecution.” Lawyers for former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife Maureen McDonnell, on trial for corruption, are claiming that the couple couldn’t have conspired together, because they weren’t speaking to each other at the time.

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Robert McDonald, a former Army officer and corporate CEO was confirmed today as the new Veterans Affairs secretary by a 97-0 vote. 97-0?! And Obama nominated him? Where was the Ted Cruz filibuster?.

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Apparently Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis has had preliminary talks with local officials about moving the team to San Antonio. Guess with just having the Spurs in town, the city feels in need of a sports train wreck?

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Passengers on a three-hour Boston Harbor whale watching tour were stuck on the boat overnight when it got entangled in the line attached to a lobster pot. Were there warning signs? Like two names on the manifest being “The Professor” and “Mary Ann?”

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It’s getting bad in Baltimore. The next Ravens’ arrest may be for impersonating a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

From Alex Kaseberg.   “The Baltimore Ravens have had five arrests in the off-season. It is so bad, “Netflix” is making a series about the Ravens called: “Orange is the New Purple and Black.”

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Rangers catcher J.P. #Arencibia had 7 RBI’s tonight. One more than #SFGiants have had in last six games combined.


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