Posted tagged ‘Cubs jokes’

A good kid with a gun?

July 30, 2014

A Florida mother has been arrested for letting her seven-year-old son walk to a local park alone, and having the boy carry a cellphone in case of any problems. Well, duh, it’s Florida, she should have sent the kid with a gun.

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Red Lobster is trying to turn around their ailing business by focusing on more attractive plate presentation with their entrees. Right. Would like to see the Venn diagram between those who like to take pictures of their food and Red Lobster customers.

 

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As we near the trade deadline a lot of mediocre players suddenly look very attractive to desperate teams. It’s the MLB equivalent of 15 minutes before closing time.

This just in. #DavidPrice and #JonLester have still not been traded. And Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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Shocking. “The Bachelorette” apparently had sex with two different contestants on the show. Does that make her an honorary guy?

 

(Although some of the former Bachelors are thinking “only two?”)

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The NFL has indicated they will not accept Josh Gordon’s “secondhand marijuana smoke” defense. Probably as well that drug testing didn’t take place during the 1970s. Or the league might have suspended any player who went to Grateful Dead concerts.’

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Adam Silver wants to change the lottery format to allow all 14 teams a relatively equal chance at the #1 pick.. The 76ers are upset, as they were 19-63 last season and were planning to tank again. The rest of the league wonders how the NBA will make this work to give one more #1 pick to the Cavaliers.

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The Chicago Cubs (44-61) beat the Colorado Rockies (43-63  last night in 16 innings. And if you watched the entire game and aren’t related to one of the players, you just might have too much time on your hands.

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#‎Cubs‬ catcher ‪#‎JohnBaker‬ pitched 2 innings tonight, got the win, & scored winning run. Could ‪#‎SFGiants‬ trade for Baker? Need his arm & bat.

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An Indiana man has won a $1 million in the lottery twice in the past three months. So he was still playing? Guess a million doesn’t go as far as it used to. Even in Indiana.

 

The “People’s Choice” awards just announced they will add a special achievement award next year just for Orlando Bloom.

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Eric Chavez retired today. He couldn’t have done it last year and let Yusmeiro Petit throw a perfect game? #SFGiants?

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The Dan Uggla era with the #SFGiants is over as Uggla was released today. It takes some work to have your tenure with a team include less hits (and walks) than errors.   (0-11 with 3 errors.)  Even pitchers are impressed.

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President Obama to Congressional Republicans in a speech today. Stop being mad all the time. Stop just hating all the time. Come on.” And the GOP responded “Hey, lay off our mission statement.”

Time for the Church of Baseball?

July 29, 2014

Forget all these minor league players the #SFGiants are using to try to right the ship. Is Susan Sarandon busy? #bulldurham

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#SFGiants fans doing the wave? Is this a competition to see if folks in the stands can be as embarrassing as team on the field?

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With so many teams thinking they have a chance for a Wild Card, there’s a lot less action around the July 31 MLB trade deadline. Of course, if baseball wanted more media attention, they’d figure out a way to get Lebron James involved in some of these decisions.

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With the trade deadline approaching, players’ families on non-contending teams are anxiously awaiting possible moves. Which means in late July with the Cubs, most wives have real estate agents on speed dial.

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Donald Trump just said he won’t do anything ‘totally stupid’ in his bid to buy NFL’s Buffalo Bills. Why stop now?

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FSU will use GPS tracking devices on their football team this season during games. The school wants to monitor and track different analytics to prevent injuries. Tallahassee police presumably wonder if the players can keep them on 24-7?

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A new study found that more than 35 % of Americans have debts in collection. And Texas cities have some of the largest shares of their populations being reported to collection agencies: Dallas (44.3 %); El Paso (44.4 %), Houston (43.7 %), McAllen (51% and San Antonio (44%). Heck of a Texas Miracle, Rick Perry.

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Not the NFL.  Apparently #ESPN actually worries about losing their female audience.. Steven A. Smith was suspended 5 shows for his comments…., more than #RayRice.

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Almost as creative as “Witness for the Prosecution.” Lawyers for former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife Maureen McDonnell, on trial for corruption, are claiming that the couple couldn’t have conspired together, because they weren’t speaking to each other at the time.

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Robert McDonald, a former Army officer and corporate CEO was confirmed today as the new Veterans Affairs secretary by a 97-0 vote. 97-0?! And Obama nominated him? Where was the Ted Cruz filibuster?.

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Apparently Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis has had preliminary talks with local officials about moving the team to San Antonio. Guess with just having the Spurs in town, the city feels in need of a sports train wreck?

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Passengers on a three-hour Boston Harbor whale watching tour were stuck on the boat overnight when it got entangled in the line attached to a lobster pot. Were there warning signs? Like two names on the manifest being “The Professor” and “Mary Ann?”

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It’s getting bad in Baltimore. The next Ravens’ arrest may be for impersonating a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

From Alex Kaseberg.   “The Baltimore Ravens have had five arrests in the off-season. It is so bad, “Netflix” is making a series about the Ravens called: “Orange is the New Purple and Black.”

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Rangers catcher J.P. #Arencibia had 7 RBI’s tonight. One more than #SFGiants have had in last six games combined.

Big night time Timmy Jim.

July 22, 2014

Okay Clayton Kershaw.   Tim Lincecum called your no-hitter and just raised you a save. #SFGiants #Dodgers

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If  Tim Lincecum becomes the the #SFGiants closer someday will his entrance music be “Last Dance with Mary Jane?”

SF Giants are undefeated in games that last at least 500 pitches.  (Tonight’s, 507.  14 innings)

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But back to #SFGiants reality.  So far in 2014, five players have played 2nd base for the SF Giants and combined for a .182 average. This statistic is pretty shocking to serious Giants fans. That high?

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“Estimate”, Queen Elizabeth’s filly who won the 2013 Gold Cup at Royal Ascot, has apparently tested positive for dope. This is what they get for letting the horse hang out with Prince Harry.

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Sarah Palin was caught speeding last week and fined $144. So she can see Russia from her house but apparently she can’t see a Wasilla Police Car.

(Jim Barach wonders,  “was she driving a Maverick?”)

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A 105 year old woman threw out the first pitch at a Padres game. Did she credit her ability from sandlot games as a child with Jamie Moyer?

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Two white flags mysteriously appeared in place of American flags on the Brooklyn Bridge Tuesday morning. Police say they have no suspects, but will be interviewing anyone in New York wearing a Cubs cap.

(Marc Ragovin, with a great minds, suggests that authorities should instead be looking for Mets fans.)

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Tony Dungy in damage control mode. “I do not believe Michael Sam’s sexual orientation will be a distraction to his teammates or his organization. I do, however, believe that the media attention that comes with it will be a distraction.”

Right, whereas players Dungy has supported like Vick, Tebow and Manziel, they weren’t and aren’t distractions….

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Meanwhile, the Cleveland Browns say they won’t name their starting QB until at least the 3rd preseason game. Does it make sense for the team in 2014? Maybe. Does it make sense for jersey sales? Absolutely.

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A new book about the Secret Service claims that Bill Clinton has another mistress. Shocking. And wonder how many Americans would re-elect him, bimbos and all, if it weren’t for the 22nd amendment.

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Ocala, Florida, about an hour from Orlando, has banned people from wearing pants that sag two inches below their waist on city property. Offenders will be fined $500 for face jail time. Can Ocala work on spandex next?

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Senior U.S. intelligence officials apparently say they have no evidence of direct Russian government involvement in the shooting down of MH 17.   Uh, did anyone actually think Putin would order something like that? Well, outside maybe of Fox News?

Walking the line?

July 20, 2014

The future King of England, Prince George, is upright. Probably more upright than Prince Harry after a night on the town.

Prince George Of Cambridge First Birthday

 

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit over “Billy Cub”, a fake mascot that allegedly has been engaging in bad behavior outside Wrigley Field. Wonder how long it will take some Cubs season ticket holders to file a lawsuit over bad behavior on the field inside Wrigley.

 

The Mariners and Angels have played two games since the All-Star Break, totaling 28 innings. Note to both teams, the World Cup is over, enough with the stoppage time.

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And if  the MLB season ended today, the Angels and Mariners would be in a one-game wild card playoff. Seattle is 6.5 games behind L.A.(Anaheim.) But if they could start Felix Hernandez, they’d be the favorites to advance. Another “gift” from Bud Selig.

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Giancarlo Stanton takes  Sergio Romo deep to lead off the bottom of the ninth in Miami. “I didn’t see that coming.” Said nobody.

 

In a 5-1 game that became a 5-3 game  #SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy removed Sergio Romo in the ninth after a home run and a double and apparently told Romo that it wasn’t about him finishing the game, but wanted Casilla to get the work. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

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Huston Street, after being traded from San Diego to the Angels “I believe in the Padres’ ownership. They want to win and they are not content with status quo. I blame the players for what’s happened here.” Right, all those high-priced superstars that just can’t gell as a team, like so-and-so, and him, and.., can anyone name a Padre? (More than one.)

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Newt Gingrich wrote an op-ed saying that President Obama hides in a fantasy world. Of course, Gingrich’s fantasy is that he’s still relevant.

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Vladimir Putin is retaliating against new sanctions against Russia by denying some Americans visas. Just thinking flying into Russia is not at the top of too many people’s wish lists right now.

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The NY Knicks may sign Metta World Peace again. Not sure if it will help the team. But this is good news for comedy writers.

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Rand Paul, who’s against raising the minimum wage, talked about his son happily delivering pizza,: “The minimum wage is a temporary thing. It’s a chance to get started.” Of course, if you’re the son of a senator, it probably is a way to get started….what about all those other grown-ups still working those jobs?

NL Power outage.

July 15, 2014

Seriously??!   ONE home run gets Todd Frazier to the Home Run Derby finals representing the NL? #ShouldhavepickedMadbum

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Thought after watching round one of the Home Run Derby;  Yasiel Puig is no Madison Bumgarner. #SFGiants. #Dodgers

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If they ever have an All-Star Game and Home Run derby in pitcher friendly Petco Park, is there a provision for ending it with penalty kicks?

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Apparently the SF Bay Area had some of the highest World Cup television ratings in the U.S. For that soccer can thank Northern California’s cultural diversity, advantageous game times with Brazil being only four hours ahead, and oh yeah, the fact the the SF Giants s*cked throughout the month that the tournament was on.

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Today begins a four day stretch without regular MLB games. So Cubs fans looking for their regular experience in the meantime will just have to bang their heads into the wall.

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So how long until other teams start intentionally walking Madison Bumgarner with the bases loaded? #SFGIants #Grandslam #MadBum

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Apparently Archie of comic book fame will be shot and die in the next issue while trying to protect a gay friend. Waiting to see how the GOP spins this as another reason to impeach Obama.

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High school basketball star Emmanuel Mudiay, who had committed to SMU, says he will instead play professionally overseas. What a shame. By skipping college Mudiay could be giving up some of the potential best few months of his life.

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The Cleveland Browns are planning to use a live bull-mastiff as their mascot this fall. Of course Browns fans are hoping the real dog doesn’t turn out to be Johnny Manziel.

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The 2016 campaign sniping is in fine form. Like this line about Texas Gov. Rick Perry: “Apparently his new glasses haven’t altered his perception of the world, or allowed him to see it any more clearly.” From Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden? Nope, fellow Republican Rand Paul.

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TSA surcharges on airline tickets are more than doubling July 21, from $2.50 to $5.60 per flight, with extra charges for layovers of more than 4 hours. As far as paying for misery, these fees are becoming the travel equivalent of alimony.

 

 

Happy belated Bastille Day. And we Americans think we celebrate violence. These lines translated from the first first and chorus of “La Marseillaise”. “The bloody flag is raised. Do you hear in the countryside, The roar of these savage soldiers They come right into our arms To cut the throats of your sons….,To arms, citizens! Form up your battalions Let us march, Let us march! That their impure blood Should water our fields….”

Close but no Chrome

June 8, 2014

secretariat

Once again, a picture though to remind us  of maybe the greatest athlete ever. And a win that will never be equaled.

 

Saturday might have been the only time New Yorkers have been sorry to see a Californian lose.

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The stars looked like they might have been aligning for California Chrome for a Triple Crown. Another miraculous event occurred Saturday – the Cubs were on a five-game winning streak.

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Carolina Panthers Coach Ron Rivera says he voted against his QB Cam Newton for the cover of ‘Madden 15′ because of the curse. So somewhere in a closet is there a dusty copy of “Madden 1909″ featuring the Cubs?

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North Korea says they have detained a U.S. tourist. Wonder what the alleged crime is? Being stupid enough to be a U.S. Tourist in Korea?

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Hertz says they have to review and correct financial statements from the past three years after an internal audit found accounting errors. “I’m shocked.” said no one who regularly reviews their own car rental bills.

 

 

Sacramento guard Jason Terry said today he thought Spurs coach Gregg Popovich had something to do with the broken air conditioning during San Antonio’s Game 1 win. Of course, because everyone knows that it’s being overheated that helps age and treachery overcome youth and skill

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Bartolo Colon, 41 against Tim Hudson, 38.. A battle for the aged. #SFGiants #Mets

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Two words guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of New Yorkers: “Mets Bullpen.”

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You know it’s going well when you win a game where tying run in the bottom of the 9th gets on base via a strikeout. #SFGiants #walkoff

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Best thing for #NYMets fans Saturday night. The #SFGiants game ended past their bedtimes.

 

 

Rolling in the deep.

June 2, 2014

Jacques Cousteau’s grandson is going underwater for 31 days starting next week. It will be a record for the longest time anyone has spent down in the depths. Well, other than the Chicago Cubs.

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A $40 million settlement has been reached for college athletes with NCAA branded video-games. So basketball and football players will receive from between $48 to $951 per year for each year they were on rosters. And presumably the lawyers receive $20 million.

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RIP Ann B. Davis, Alice on the Brady Bunch, who passed away at the age of 88. And this probably has a bigger emotional effect on many late baby-boomers than the death of Maya Angelou.

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For Americans confused and unsure about the negotiations that led to Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s release, the GOP has simplified things: “Obama did it, it was wrong.”

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Joe Biden gave the commencement address at the University of Delaware. The speech presumably took place on Saturday and Sunday.

 

Juan Carlos I of Spain will abdicate and hand the crown to his son. And in England the British are telling Queen Elizabeth II “don’t even think of it.”

 

Some in the GOP are demanding hearings into Bowe Bergdahl’s release. Exactly. How dare he not stay in Afghan custody until a Republican is President.

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From Bill Littlejohn  “MLB and Joe Torre have warned Dodger pitchers to pick up their pace, as their games are getting too long. They first became aware when arriving fans at Dodger Stadium started getting there in the first inning instead of the usual third”

 

The NRA said last Friday that Open Carry Texas has gone too far in bringing their guns to restaurants: “‘A small number (of Texans) have recently crossed the line from enthusiasm to downright foolishness.”‘ Wow. The NRA believes there IS a line to cross?

 

 

From T.C. Re: Sofia  Vergara and her fiance have split up. And millions of men around the world are thinking “There’s hope!”  And Marc Ragovin’s “The Mets have fired their hitting coach, Dave Hudgens. We had a hitting coach? asked every member of the team.

TC wants to hire a hitting coach for tips on hitting on Sofiia Vergara.

A bush league of his own?

May 27, 2014

The Cubs have given Manny Ramirez a job with their Iowa affiliate. Well, okay this might be bad. But it’s the Chicago Cubs. Not like Manny has a chance to associate with a major league team.

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At a British music festival, Macaulay Kulkin’s band the “Pizza Underground” was booed off the stage and pelted with beer. Maybe his band needs to play a gig at Yankee Stadium. Where beer is far to expensive to throw at anyone.

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Alex Schubert says they “should have a gig at Wrigley Field..  Where the thrown beer will miss the band by 20 feet.”

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The median pay for a CEO of a public company in the US is now over $10 million a year. Yep, I can see why we can’t afford to raise the minimum wage.

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Dodgers catcher A.J. Ellis, who was hitting .170, is on the DL after spraining his ankle celebrating Josh Beckett’s no-hitter. Which means Ellis will be contributing about as much for the next two weeks as he has for the last two.

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One game after Josh Beckett’s no-hitter, the Dodgers” Hyun-Jin Ryu took a perfect game into the 8th. He left after allowing a double and two singles. But the final score ended up 4-3. What happened? Brian Wilson in the 8th. Giants fans are thinking “Now it’s LA’s turn to enjoy the torture.”

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Malaysian authorities published a 47-page document with raw data from communications between satellites and MH370. Will it help find the plane? Quite possibly not. But it will keep CNN busy for at least a week.

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Texas Congressman Ralph Hall, 91, is running for re-election. Saying he wants to fix Obamacare. Although a bit disingenuous for a man who’s been eligible for Medicare for over a quarter century.

The new U.S. men’s national soccer team will debut at Candlestick Park in an exhibition against Azerbaijan tonight. Many Americans are thinking one of two questions – “We haven’t already torn down Candlestick Park?” And “We have a new national men’s soccer team?

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Li Na, the #2 women’s tennis player in the world, was upset in the first round of the French Open. And most Americans responded “Who?”

 

Until something do us part.

May 24, 2014

Apparently costumed employees at Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s pre-wedding party at Versailles were instructed not to talk to the guests. Wonder if they did allow them to eat leftover cake.

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Kanye West said Kim Kardashian is “more beautiful than I am talented.” And those of us who aren’t fans of either are thinking “Well, that could be right.” #damningwithfaintpraise

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The wedding ceremony presumably went smoothly, after all Kim should have those vows memorized by now.

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Got to wonder, where are all those “sanctity of marriage” types complaining about the “Kimye” wedding?   (It is her third.)

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Ah, Memorial Day weekend. The beginning of summer, when women can wear white and Cubs fans can put up the white flag.

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At this point the only U.S. state where anti-gay marriage laws are not being challenged is North Dakota. Guess the state’s not too worried about losing potential tourism from gay weddings?

 

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The Univ. of Tennessee’s chapter of the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity has been suspended after students admitted to hazing pledges by pouring hot sauce on their genitals. Once again, proving that one of the all-time oxymoron phrases is “Fraternity Men.”

 

ESPN asks the question “Do the Heat really have another gear they reserve for the playoffs?”. Sounds better than “Do they lollygag through the regular season?”

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Former Cubs pitcher Andrew Cashner, now with the San Diego Padres, says that Wrigley Field may be great for the fans, but for players “it’s a dump.” Well, at least Cubs players don’t have to play in the dump when it gets cold in October.

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Thursday’s suspended Giants Rockies game, game 47 on the schedule, will be made up in September, starting in the 6th inning, tied 2-2. Wonder if Santiago Casilla, who injured his hamstring Wednesday, will be the first pitcher to spend 4 weeks on the DL, and play, in the same season, in his team’s very next game….

 

Asian TSA agent cheerfully pushing a big cart of tubs back up to the front of the line at SFO. Calls out “Careful, Asian driver coming through.” A lot of people – including me – look to see his ethnicity before laughing.

 

Could be worse, #SFGiants fans, Sergio Romo has looked a bit shaky lately. But then there’s the White Sox closer Ronald Belisario, who has allowed a run during each of his last three outings, and blew a 3-0 lead with two out in the 9th inning.

 

 

 

Matt Cain may or may not make his next start for the San Francisco Giants after he strained his hamstring Wednesday. Bummer as Cain finally seemed recovered after he sliced his finger while trying to cut a sandwich.     As Hartley Miller said “Presumably when he returns to the lineup Cain started using his forkball.”

 

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So how long until the NRA issues a statement on the mass shooting near UC Santa Barbara saying “if only the students had all been armed.”

Rocky Mountain High.

May 15, 2014

In the first quarter of 2014, the fastest-growing U.S. hotel market in terms of room demand was…. Denver. Would we call this a high occupancy rate

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A 17-year-old girl was kicked out of her senior prom in Virginia last weekend, because some of the fathers chaperoning said her dress was too short, her dancing was “too provocative” and she was going to “cause the young men at the prom to think impure thoughts.” I’ve got news for them, getting up in the morning causes young men to think impure thoughts.

 

Donald Sterling’s lawyer has told the NBA that the Clippers’ owner won’t pay his fine and will sue the league if he isn’t afforded “due process.” So okay, did anyone expect this guy to accept his punishment with grace and go away quietly?

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MLB has announced they have formed a committee to replace retiring commissioner Bud Selig. Well, considering how that “Blue Ribbon” committee to look into moving the Oakland A’s is working out, Selig apparently has plans to be around for at least another decade.

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The Montreal Canadiens and Boston Bruins played their NINTH game 7 last night. A pro sports record. And Chicago Cubs fans responded “What’s a game 7″

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In Canada, the FCC equivalent reprimanded three porn broadcast stations, not for obscenity, but because they felt short of the country’s rules requiring at least 35% of content be of Canadian origin. Ah, the things you have time to worry about when you have healthcare and strict gun laws.

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Aaron Hernandez has now been indicted on murder charges for allegedly shooting two men dead in Boston in 2012. Just wondering, if Hernandez wasn’t a star for the New England Patriots might police have arrested him a lot sooner, and maybe prevented another murder?

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Now the Montreal Canadiens’ Dale Weise said the Boston Bruins’ Milan Lucic “threatened” him during their postgame handshake (Something along the lines of “I’ll bleeping kill you next year.) Wow, a little more public animosity and a few bench-clearing brawls and ESPN might put these two teams on for Americans to watch in prime-time next year.

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A tornado was seen just west of the Miami airport. And the National Weather Service Miami posted. “Take cover now.” So did sympathetic airlines respond by posting discount tornado shelter fees?

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Robert Copeland, an 82 year-old police commissioner from Wolfeboro, NH, admits to calling President Obama the N-word, and says he won’t apologize. What’s next, Copeland offering the keys to the city to Donald Sterling?

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A 31-year-old Texas woman was arrested after posing as a high school student for 8 months. In her defense will she say she was just auditioning for “Glee”?

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “City officials say that New York City could survive a Godzilla attack.But, they added, it may not survive this year’s Mets bullpen”

 

Not the Onion.

April 3, 2014

British celebrity chef Nigella Lawson was reportedly barred from getting on a flight from London to Los Angeles because of her admitted past cocaine use. What, Hollywood had already hit their monthly quota of celebrity drug users?

 

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson apparently can’t enter the U.S because of her recent history with cocaine.. On a brighter note, figure there’s a good chance she’ll get a personal invitation from the Mayor to visit Toronto, Canada.

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In the first inning of today’s game in Pittsburgh, Chicago Cubs OF Junior Lake wore the wrong road jersey. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him $20,000.

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Tim Hudson, 38, had such a good first start for the SF Giants last night, he may ask his younger teammates in the clubhouse today if he can play music from some of his favorite 8-tracks.

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Cavemen awards for the week: On talk radio Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa criticized NY Mets’ second baseman Daniel Murphy’s decision to miss the first two games of the season to be with his wife for the birth of the couple’s first child. Besides, the Mets are now 0-3. Maybe they should be criticizing the players who have shown up all three games.

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Former DWTS host Brooke Burke-Charvet tweeted that she was okay after crashing her Maserati. And millions of men were thinking “Fine, but how’s the Maserati?”

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 In South Carolina, the Columbian Mammoth is finally close to being named the state fossil, after the bill stalled when a GOP Senator added two verses from the book of Genesis. The bill then passed with a compromise amendment saying the mammoth was “created on the sixth day along with the beasts of the field.” Suppose we can take it as a good sign that South Carolina actually acknowledges the existence of fossils?

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This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “Forgetting to set the clock for Daylight Saving Time may have caused a car bomber in Dublin to blow himself up. He learned the hard way about what it is like to really spring forward.”
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David Letterman has announced his retirement in 2015. Will he be replaced for ten months by Conan O’Brien?

 

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Mississippi’s governor signed the Mississippi Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which becomes law July 1. The bill says government cannot put a substantial burden on the practice of religion. So if a Muslim wants to open a store and insist all women who work and shop there wear hijabs, guess that’s going to be okay now.

 

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CNN headline today says there is a “‘Big'” announcement coming” Friday in the Malaysian Airlines plane search. Stand by for regular updates on how many hours away we are from the big announcement.

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Charles Koch said he is politically involved because he wants a “free society.”   “The central belief and fatal conceit of the current administration is that you are incapable of running your own life, but those in power are capable of running it for you.” I guess this makes sense if you believe corporations are people, but women aren’t.

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Johnny Manziel now also wants to trademark “The House That Johnny Built.” Even Richard Sherman is thinking, “Man, this kid is cocky.”

 

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Fort Hood’s commanding general on the shooter: “We have very strong evidence that he had a medical history that indicates an unstable psychiatric or psychological condition… We believe that to be the fundamental underlying causal factor.” Uh, and how about the fact that with his history this guy had easy legal access to a gun?

Opening day, the sequel’s sequel.

March 31, 2014

MLB will have four separate #OpeningDay‘s this season. No doubt the work of one of Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committees.

 

 

It’s only Opening Day and the “weirdest baseball injury of the year” contest may be over: Angels hitting coach Don Baylor suffered a right ankle injury catching Vladimir Guerrero’s ceremonial first pitch.

 

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Upon hearing the Don Baylor story,  the SF Giants immediately forbade Jeremy Affeldt from catching any ceremonial first pitches.

 

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Apparently the new field at the Brewers’ Miller Park had to be grown under heat lamps imported from Europe, because the temperatures in Milwaukee this winter were too cold to grow grass even with the stadium roof closed. #Youwinmothernature

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MLB ticket prices are up 2% from last year. And the Chicago Cubs are third-highest, behind only the Red Sox and Yankees, with an average of $44.16 a ticket. But to be fair, Cubs management knows they can’t plan on extra revenue from the playoffs.

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Final score in Arlington, Philadelphia 14, Texas 10. The game presumably got good coverage on ESPN tonight as they might have thought it was a preseason football matchup.

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In Oakland, the A’s opener faced a potential rainout Monday night. “Rain, gosh, we feel so sorry for you.” said absolutely no one who’s lived through the last winter in the midwest or on the east coast.

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Mets fans booed NY Mayor Bill de Blasio when he threw out the first pitch on Opening Day. But Tuesday things return to normal, and they can just start booing the Mets.

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Get out the violins. Freshman Andrew Wiggins about decision not to stay at KU. “I just wish I had more time. It went by so fast.” What’s next, saying college was the best weeks of his life?

 

But really, what did Kansas do to “force’ him to leave?  Tell Wiggins he would have to go to class?

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A bonus for Kentucky going to the Final Four, their freshman players can call themselves student-athletes for a whole extra month.

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Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International was the world’s busiest airport in 2013, with 94 million passengers passing through. And that doesn’t count the people who are still looking for their gates.

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Apparently DeSean Jackson has interest from the Redskins and Bills and Raiders.  “I’ll take ‘teams that couldn’t fall any further” for $600, Alex.”

Not keeping us together.

January 23, 2014

Toni Tennille has filed papers to divorce “The Captain” after 39 years of marriage. Wonder what the cause was? Him playing “Muskrat Love” after she told him PLEASE don’t “Do That To Me One More Time?”

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Quicken Loans is offering a $1 billion prize to anyone correctly pick the winner of every game in the 2014 men’s basketball March Madness. Although a DePaul math professor estimates the odds at best as 1 in 128 billion. Roughly about the same as the Cubs winning the World Series.

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So with Vladimir Putin’s “please leave the children alone” message to gays. I trust he will ban Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty from Russia, since Robertson says men should marry girls at 15 or 16?

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Bernie Madoff apparently had a heart attack in prison, and now has Stage 4 Kidney cancer. “What a shame” said absolutely nobody.

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So as we approach Super Bowl media week, where even breakfast cereal is a topic of conversation, can I suggest that Richard Sherman look for a deal with Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Because “They’re GRRRREAT. And other breakfast cereals are mediocre.”

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Notre Dame is ending its long relationship with Adidas and signing a 10 year deal with Under Armour, Inc. According to their AD, the deal, “the largest of its kind in the history of college athletics”, will help Notre Dame through a period of change “unlike any of us have ever lived through or tried to navigate.” What a relief. Hate to think of the Fighting Irish struggling on a shoestring budget.

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The NY Yankees have signed Masahiro Tanaka for $155 million for 7 years, plus $20 million to his Japanese club. Wonder if the deciding factor for Tanaka was looking at the Yankees aging roster and figuring he could head home every October.

 

The National Weather Service has says 40-50 foot waves may hit the north shores of Maui and Oahu, accompanied by strong winds and urged people to be cautious. Over-under on potential Darwin award winners who will go out to take up-close pictures?

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Former Dallas DT Josh Brent faces up to 20 years in prison after being convicted of “intoxication manslaughter” for the 2012 wreck that killed teammate Jerry Brown. What, the Cowboys didn’t pay Brent enough to qualify him for the “affluenza” defense?

Though while we’re on the bus to hell, it being Texas, if Brent had just gotten drunk and accidentally shot a teammate, would he have walked?

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And we wonder why college athletes don’t take the rules seriously. FSU QB Jacob Coker, a redshirt sophomore, is on track to graduate in 2014. He plans to transfer to Alabama, where if he enrolls in a graduate program not offered by FSU, he can play immediately without sitting out a year. All legal with the NCAA. (Russell Wilson did the same thing.)

(and don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they’re graduating. But players who receive the exception tend to be QB’s, and if you believe they’re transferring for academic reasons -which is what the rule claims to be about – then I have a clogged bridge to sell you.)

What’s too painful to remember…

November 13, 2013

#2 Michigan State knocked off #1 Kentucky, 78-74 in men’s college basketball tonight. For those Wildcat freshmen, this could be the  most painful memory of the whole six months they spend in college.

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There’s a SF Bay Area controversy over an idiot radio talk show host named Damon Bruce who said that women don’t belong in sports. He’s back at work after a one-day suspension. Wonder how long he’d have been out if he went after an ethnic group instead of an entire gender?

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A Kansas woman apparently is trying to trade her wedding ring for tickets to the Chiefs home game against the Broncos Dec 1. Wonder if she’ll offer her husband for playoff tickets?

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A man arrested earlier this month for a DUI in Michigan blamed the fact that he had drunk so much on the Wolverines’ loss the day before. If that excuse had worked police would never be able to get a DUI conviction during baseball season in Chicago.

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Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been on Dallas talk radio complaining about the play calling and defensive coverage in Sunday night’s loss to the Saints. And yeah, maybe if Jason Garrett had coached a different game, Dallas might have only lost by 3-4 touchdowns.

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Although wholesale coffee prices have fallen by almost a third in the past year, Starbucks and other coffee shops haven’t reduced prices. Well, guess that was about as likely as airlines reducing fuel surcharges when gas prices drop..

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: Four burglary suspects in Northern California were arrested after police saw a photo on Instagram of $120 worth of food they had purchased at Carl’s Jr with a stolen credit card.

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Sarah Palin is branching out, now she says of the new pope “He’s had some statements that to me sound kind of liberal, has taken me aback, has kind of surprised…” What’s next, Sarah can see the Vatican from her house?

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One of the frequently heard complaints about the ACA, is people, especially men, saying things like they don’t want to pay for insurance that covers things like maternity. Although by that token, why should women pay for insurance that covers things like ED and prostate care?

 

A friend wonders why Facebook suggests that because she “likes” Wendy Davis, she would also “like” Rick Perry. Maybe FB assumes that she too is a comedy writer…

 

Bill Clinton today on Obamacare and cancelled plans “I personally believe, even if it takes a change in the law, the president should honor the commitment the federal government made to those people and let them keep what they’ve got.” Brave words from a ex-President who himself did such a great job with healthcare reform.

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During the trial of Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino, A crew member testified that the captain did not “fall” into the lifeboat as he said, but rather “jumped into the lifeboat.” “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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The DOJ has finally decided to allow the American Airlines – US Airways merger. Well, it’s another chance to see if two wrongs CAN make a right.

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American Airlines and US Airways have finally gotten approval for their merger. Now, time to start a pool on when they will announce an aircraft repainting fee?

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The Braves are leaving for a new suburban stadium in 2017, and today Atlanta’s mayor said that the city will then demolish Turner Field. The stadium, built for the Olympics, is less than 20 years old. Are we sure there isn’t a way to give it to the Oakland As?

 

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From Marc Ragovin:  “The Atlanta Braves have announced that they will be moving to a new stadium in a few years. Team officials say the new site will be much more convenient for fans not to go to come playoff time.”

Shutting it down

September 30, 2013

Shouldn’t Congress have learned from the Nationals and Strasburg? Shutdowns just don’t do Washington any good in the long run. #shutdown

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Maybe to fix the situation, we should put the Redskins’ defense in charge. They can’t shut down anyone.

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Who says there’s no bipartisan spirit in D.C. ?    Why tonight I hear that President Barack Obama offered to send Walter White over to the House to bring the GOP some Stevia for their Tea Party.

-You have to love how #Congress says they themselves are “essential government employees” with a straight face. #shutdown

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Things are heating up a bit in D.C.   One Congressman referring to GOP members who want to shut down the government:   “Lemmings with suicide vests. They have to be more than just a lemming. Because jumping to your death is not enough.” Oh, and this commie-pinko rep? . Devin Nunes, a Republican from California.

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Last night on AMC, millions of Americans tuned in for the dramatic final of “Breaking Bad.”  Now, with the government shutdown, we can all turn to C-Span, and watch “Lawmaking Bad.”

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The Chicago #Cubs have fired manager Dale Sveum. No word on a replacement yet. But no job comes with lower expectations.

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Former star RB Earl Campbell has joined those calling for the firing of Texas football coach Mack Brown. Well, Lane Kiffin is available….

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Asked about benching Geno Smith, NY Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, “It’s not a thought at this point right now.” Mainly because he can’t think of an alternative.

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So what time is the SF Giants game tonight?   Sigh.   A. Bartlett Giamatti was right. “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart….”

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In the face of a world-wide boycott, Guido Barilla, CEO of Barilla pasta, is backtracking on his anti-gay remarks of last week and is trying to apologize. Always fun to see “family values” take a back seat to profit values.

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USC athletic director Pat Haden says he will keep the search for a new football coach private. Makes sense. Most candidates probably don’t want their current teams to know they are crazy enough to consider the Trojan mess.

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This just in. NY Giants Antrel Rolle safety says “I believe we can go 12-0 from this point on. People can look at me like I’m crazy….” Forget crazy, isn’t Rolle worried about prompting the NFL to test him for drugs

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Okay, it’s early days. But would a Saints-Broncos game be the classiest QB Super Bowl match-up in history?

Cover stories

September 24, 2013

 “Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?

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The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?

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With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.

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Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.

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-The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.

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Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?

President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.

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After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.

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The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.

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The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”

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So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?

Misery loves company.

August 11, 2013

Image

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Judge ordered a 60 day cooling off period in the BART negotiations. This process is beginning to look like it’s about as productive and will drag out as long as the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce.

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Who needs “Breaking Bad” in San Francisco. Giants fans already got their dose of “Breaking Ball Bad” today when Zito took the mound in relief.

 

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Kevin Federline has gotten married again.  See ladies, it’s not just the good ones who are taken.

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Rockie FSU QB Jameis Winston told reporters “”If I get ‘Manziel disease,’ I want every one of y’all to get your mics and just start [hitting me] on the head.” Well, this should be fun if the Aggies and Seminoles meet in a bowl game.

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ESPN headline “Tiger finishes PGA at 4 over.”   Gosh, did they cancel the rest of the tournament afterwards?

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Alas for the comedy writers of the world, Stephanie Banister, who this week referred to Islam as a country, has dropped out of her race for a parliamentary seat in Australia. But here’s one more gem: “”Jews aren’t under haram (sic), they have their own religion which follows Jesus Christ.” Ah, Stephanie, we hardly knew ye.

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Two customs agents at JFK were sickened by a substance that authorities originally thought was nerve gas, but apparently turned out to be ordinary nail polish remover. Stand by for one more thing that TSA may now look to confiscate. Sigh.

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner just left a two-week behavior therapy program a week early. What’s with this guy? First he thinks he’s Herman Cain, now he thinks he’s Lindsay Lohan?

 

-The GOP is calling for a Presidential primary debate boycott of NBC if they air a miniseries about Hilary Clinton. Turns out the show may be produced for NBC by another company: Fox Television Studios (sister company of FOX News.) Oops. One might just think the GOP doesn’t want their debates aired at all….

 

 Terminal, the sequel?

June 26, 2013

Edward Snowden is apparently  living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?

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President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.

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Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID.     The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach.  Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?

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So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules  (and perhaps altered a time-stamp)  can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.

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Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?

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The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.

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So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”

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Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?!  New York GM Brian Cashman.

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Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”

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Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?

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This  last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.

“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war.  In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called.  Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.

My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.

He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record.  (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)

When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”

He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.

It was a lifelong lesson.”

Young at heart?

April 21, 2013

Bucky Lasek, 40, the oldest man in the X Games Vert, won a gold medal in skateboarding. Whereupon he immediately turned to his competitors and said “You punks get off my ramp.”

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A 25 yr old Illinois Chicago Bulls fans filed a lawsuit against Derrick Rose. He claims Rose missing the entire NBA regular season made him fat and depressed. Let’s hope this doesn’t come to anything, or Cubs fans may sue the team for playing with the same results.

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Amazing that the folks who think this Boston bombing was somehow a US government conspiracy are the same ones who don’t think the government is competent to do anything else.

 

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The SF Giants’ Barry Zito is still unscored upon in 2013 while wearing #75. (His 9 run outing was on Jackie Robinson day.)

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LB Rolando McClain, newly signed by the Baltimore Ravens, has been arrested for the THIRD time in his home town of Decatur, GA.   He was first arrested (and convicted) by Decatur police in 2011 on assault and menancing charges. Then in January of this year the former Alabama star was arrested after he gave the police a false name when he was pulled over for a window tint violation.

This arrest was disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after an incident at a local park.   Couldn’t find out what McClain majored in at Alabama. Guessing it wasn’t criminal justice.

 

 

David Ortiz won’t have to worry about a fine for his colorful speech. This tweet from FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski ” David Ortiz spoke from the heart at today’s Red Sox game. I stand with Big Papi and the people of Boston – Julius” Who knew the FCC could be so f***ing reasonable?

 

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A week after the Masters’ no one has come forward as the person who called in Tiger Woods’ improper drop after the second round of the Masters,  but Marc Ragovin suggests this   “this tape from the Golf Hotline might provide a clue:
“Hello, Elyn from Florida, you’re on the air.”

 

Legends in their own minds.

April 14, 2013

On tour in Europe, Justin Bieber took time to visit the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and wrote in the guestbook: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber,” Well, that should do wonders for Justin’s self-obsessed reputation.

 

 

One silver lining for some adults in Justin Bieber’s guestbook comment saying he hoped Anne Frank ‘Would Have Been a Belieber.”   At least they now have a reason other than Justin’s music to dislike him.

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Two Chicago Cubs pitchers tied a record with 5 wild pitches in a inning today against the SF Giants Mitch Williams wants his nickname retroactively changed to “Not-so-wild-thing”

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So we’re finally almost to the NBA playoffs. But it’s a little hard to get excited at the beginning of a postseason that will last longer than a Kardashian marriage.

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So Mark Sanford has won his Congressional primary, Anthony Weiner is reportedly thinking of running for mayor of New York? What’s next, a comeback for John Edwards?

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Sen. Marco Rubio now said today that immigration reform will actually be tougher on “illegal aliens” than the current law. Yep, Rubio’s had so many positions on this issue he MUST be running for President.

 

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George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna gave birth yesterday to his first grandchild, a daughter. So what will it be, about 40 years before the little girl runs for President?

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Apparently Rutgers is close to hiring Los Angeles Lakers’ assistant Eddie Jordan as their new men’s basketball coach. Makes a certain amount of sense, the Lakers might be the only team at this point where moving to Rutgers would mean less of a circus.

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Carlos Quentin dropped his appeal Sunday dropped his appeal and will begin serving his 8-game suspension Monday in Los Angeles and will miss the Padres-Dodgers series.  See, these Stanford boys CAN be smart.

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With as hot as the Braves are and as lousy as the Marlins are, wonder if Miami will be eliminated before the All-Star break?

 

At 935am April 15 in Sydney, Adam Scott became the first Australian winner of the Masters.   Just what Aussies need, a reason to drink on a Monday morning.

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And so Tiger finished four shots back,  but no way of knowing, had he not had the 2-shot penalty, might Woods have played a little differently and had a chance to end up at least in the playoff?

Who knew a simple phone call could have been almost as damaging as Elin wielding a 9-iron.

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From T.C.   “If Tiger had won, or came within 2 shots, this tournament will be marked with a Masterisk.”

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And Gary M. wondered if   “All this hoopla about Tiger’s ball drop,  may escalade into something really big.”


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