Posted tagged ‘Cowboys jokes’

More solid for solidarity?

November 16, 2015

Forget diets. Maybe it’s time to show our solidarity with Paris by eating french fries? Lots of french fries.


The 1972 Miami Dolphins would have popped champagne tonight if they had actually realized the Bengals had still been undefeated.

The Indianapolis Colts, at 4-5 and 1-4 outside their division, are in line to host an NFL playoff game. Even NBA teams are thinking that’s crazy.

New prime minister Justin Trudeau has issued a directive to Canada’s justice minister to “create a federal-provincial-territorial process that will lead to the legalization and regulation of marijuana.”
Is there any way we can do a trade with our neighbors to the north. We want Trudeau, and we’ll send them Justin Bieber AND Ted Cruz?

The Dallas Cowboys, who signed Greg Hardy in the off-season despite him being unrepentant about a domestic violence conviction, are tied for the fewest victories in the NFL. Three words to that mean bitch Karma “You go girl!”

So what happens in these Red States if the Syrian refugees start saying they are fleeing Europe because of draconian gun regulations?

Michigan, Alabama, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Indiana and Illinois have all said now they won’t accept Syrian refugees. Because in those states, Americans already do a good enough job of killing each other?

President Obama has just ordered U.S. flags flown at half-staff until Thursday at sunset. Waiting for the GOP Presidential candidates to tell us why this is wrong.

I understand the urge to do something, anything, after senseless killings. But why are the same people who are demanding immediate changes after all the deaths in Paris so completely laissez-faire about mass shootings here in the U.S?

Open note to those saying now U.S. should only take Christian Syrian refugees. Uh, how exactly do you prove someone is or isn’t Christian?


To be fair, USA should know dangers of allowing foreign refugees. Had we just refused Cubans entry in 50s we wouldn’t have ‪#‎TedCruz‬ & ‪#Marco‎Rubio‬


Really, Bobby Jindal says he wants to refuse Syrian refugees? Stupid. Just send them all to New Orleans, a city with a well-deserved reputation for corrupting the devout. Give even potential terrorists a few weeks and they’ll be down in the French Quarter wearing beads and praying for Allah to help the Saints.


If you need any more proof of what a mess American politics has become, I give you this quote from John Boehner, talking about having to sneak into meetings with Obama. “Because if I went to the White House to see the president, the right would get all worked up, wondering what I was up to. The left gets all worked up, wondering what the president is up to. ‘What are these two going to do now?”

Sarah Palin, saying she “can’t wait” for her daughter Bristol to have her second baby, expressing “enormous admiration” for single parents, and adding “the cool thing about putting your faith in God, is he certainly is a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth chances.”
So exactly how many out-of-wedlock children is Bristol going to have?

Americans have notoriously short attention spans. But even so, hope the horrific events in Paris don’t get knocked from the front page by Charlie Sheen’s HIV status.



There is precedent for the sort of xenophobia we’re getting from some Americans today. Why when the IRA was doing horrible things to British civilians for decades U.S. naturally stopped immigration from Ireland…. Oh wait, never, mind.

From T.C.  “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”

Shout outs

November 16, 2015

Aaron Rodgers, calling out a fan who yelled an anti-Musim slur today at Lambeau Field. “I must admit, I was very disappointed with whoever the fan was that made a comment that was very inappropriate during the moment of silence. It’s that kind of prejudicial ideology that puts us in the position we are today as a world.”
So how often do I say about a Cal grad, well played sir, well, played.”
(even if the game wasn’t)

The way this season is going, the ones who will be yelling “Dallas sucks” loudest are Cowboys fans.

It’s a new trend for pro teams to sell game used jerseys. Alas Saints can’t do that today for defensive players. No proof they were used.

Can only imagine what kind of stats Drew Brees could put up if he could play against his own defense.
Crazy week in the NFL. Have to wonder, have Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning ever had a worse Sunday?
Interesting how when SEC team beat each other up in college football it is looked upon as a sign of conference strength, whereas when Pac 12 teams beat each other it is looked upon as a sign of conference mediocrity.
United sent frequent fliers a message saying that for a week you can “share your miles with friends and family and save up to 30% on the transfer price per mile. So let me get this straight, you earn the miles, and they for a short time they will graciously charge you less to give them away. And airlines wonder why we hate them.
Bernie Sanders said last night that the US had more wealth inequality “than any major country on earth.” And actually,the 2015 Global Wealth Databook puts the share of wealth held by the top 1% in the U.S. puts us “only” 11th out of 37 nations – behind Russia, Thailand, Indonesia, India, Brazil, Chile, South Africa, China, Czech Republic and Israel.
But note the countries missing. So much for our decrying the European class system.

GOP candidates often act like it were a simple thing just to bomb the bad guys out of existence. Yeah, that idea worked so well after 9 11. ‪#‎assumingweevencanaimattherightbadguys‬

Proving that no one party has a monopoly on stupidity. Dan Kimmel, a Democrat who was running for state representative in Minnesota tweeted ” ISIS isn’t necessarily evil. It is made up of people doing what they think is best for their community. Violence is not the answer, though.”
He dropped out of the race today and said the tweet was poorly worded. Ya think? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

From Bill Littlejohn, “Quarterback Blake Bortles says that his Jacksonville Jaguars are a ‘small step’ from contending. Well, remember, it took a decade and billions of dollars for Neil Armstrong’s ‘small step.’ ” .


November 8, 2015

A huge sinkhole has swallowed more than a dozen cars in the parking lot of a new IHOP parking lot in Meridian, Miss. Kind of hard to stand your ground when the ground won’t stand.

Adam Vinatieri, 42, kicked a 55 yard field gold to give the Colts the win today over the Broncos and Peyton Manning. Not saying Vinatieri is old, but doesn’t it seem as if he must have also kicked against teams led by Archie Manning?

The video is horrible, no question, but if you do believe people can learn and change, Ray Rice is sure at least doing a very good imitation of a man who has done both: “I used to have a situation where kids were like, ‘I wanna be like Ray Rice.’ And now I have to think about kids and parents saying, ‘I don’t want you to be like Ray Rice.’ And that haunts me.”
Former Rep. Michele Bachmann:is now saying “The Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us (Christians) to help bring in (convert) as many as we can — even among the Jews,” Wow. So does Bachmann think Ben Carson has a chance and she’s angling to be his running mate?
The buck passes here. Marco Rubio is attributing some of his personal expenses being billed to his GOP credit card – ,”because a travel agent had the credit card number — and they billed it to that card instead of the other card.” This including a Rubio family gathering of 20 rooms for three nights at a resort near Tallahassee starting the day he was sworn in as Florida House Speaker.
Uh, speaking for travel agents everywhere, leaving aside the number of hoops required to bill 20 rooms to one card, you make a mistake more than once like that with a credit card, you’re fired. ‪#‎callingBS‬

Texas Rep. Mike McCaul, confident that a bomb brought down the Russian plane, is saying that the Obama administration is in large part to blame because they haven’t done enough in the Mideast. And of course there’s no blame on a previous administration for doing too much in the Mideast…

You know if ‪#‎BenCarson‬ doesn’t want media reporting outrageous things he says maybe he could take a day off from saying outrageous things.

So the Dallas Cowboys have now lost six games in a row. So maybe Greg Hardy can get legally away with beating up and threatening a woman, but maybe also he can’t hide from that mean bitch karma.

A U.S jail escapee was arrested in Mexico after police were able to track him i because he was posting selfies on Facebook. He’s being held in a Mexican jail and is facing extradition back to… Idaho? Your move, Florida. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who was elbowed in the head by Rams DB Lamarcus Joyner today, has been diagnosed with a concussion. If the NFL really wanted to stop this sort of thing it would be simple – injure a starter with an illegal hit that gets you fined, and you are out until they can return, even if it’s a season ending injury.

Oxford, MS, for the tweet of the month, maybe the year, after the Razorbacks shred the Ole Miss defense and win 53-52 in OT –

@OxfordPolice   Asking us to kick the Arkansas QB out of the stadium is not a legit reason to dial 911. ‪#‎ARKvsMISS‬

Home cooked?

October 8, 2015

What home field advantage? ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬

A pro-White Sox bar in Chicago is offering free beer after every St. Louis Cardinals home run against the Cubs. Okay, I see a potential promotion for San Francisco area bars for the Mets-Dodgers series.

Best wishes to Vin Scully. Los Angeles just announced that their 88-year-old announcer will miss the postseason after undergoing a “recommended medical procedure.” And SFGiants fans hope Dodgers have plenty of time starting next week to visit Vin in the hospital.

Some complain baseball doesn’t have a national TV audience anymore. One reason that most Americans aren’t familiar with any but their local teams and a handful of big name teams. So now in the playoffs, MLB has a chance to introduce us to the Blue Jays and Rangers. And they put ALDS games 1 and 2 on weekday at 330p and 1245p EST…..

Strangely fun to see orange in the postseason, even if it’s not Giants Orange. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

The Cowboys’ Greg Hardy, about his impending return from a suspension for domestic violence “”I hope I come out guns blazing,”
(Hardy was actually convicted of the 2014 assault but had his case dismissed on appeal when Nicole Holder didn’t show up He had thrown her on a pile of guns, bragged they were loaded and threatened to kill her with one of them.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

And maybe all you need to know about Roger Goodell and today’s NFL is that Goodell is pushing hard to make sure Tom Brady gets that full four-game suspension that matches Hardy’s.  (And I don’t even like the Patriots or Saint Brady)  #Priorities.

A video is going viral of the Pirates’ Sean Rodriguez attacking a water cooler during yesterday’s Wild Card game. Pity Pittsburgh batters didn’t hit Arrieta as hard as Rodriguez hit the cooler.

A frat at Indiana University has been suspended over a possible sexual assault, after they posted a video of the incident on Twitter. Not that we always didn’t have ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, but social media has certainly expanded stupid’s reach.

Chris Burns, an assistant coach at Bryant University, is making headlines as the first Division 1 basketball coach to come out of the closet. Uh, that was Sheri Murrell at Portland State. But good for him, each announcement makes the next one a little less of a story. And maybe someday being gay in sports won’t be a story at all. ‪#‎wecandream‬

Kevin McCarthy has just withdrawn from the House Speaker’s race. Proving again that old adage “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Injured Junior Bruins’ LB Myles Jack says he is dropping out UCLA and entering the 2016 NFL draft because he wants “compensation for what I have done.” Well, clearly Jack should have gone to USC.

An 22 year old man called 911 to report that he was “too high on weed” and “could not feel his hands.” Police found him laying on the floor surrounded by “a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and Chips Ahoy cookies.”

This story is from Ohio. Your move, Florida.

Volkswagen’s CEO, testifying before Congress, said it may take years to fix all the rigged cars. And it will take even longer to fix the company’s reputation.

USC coach Steve Sarkisian said late August he was going to rehab. The way Trojans have played the last two games at home you’d think Sarkisian wants most USC fans to need to join him.

Proving that it’s possible to do brain surgery without a working brain: Today’s gem from Ben Carson ” I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeyes [in Baltimore]. … A guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs, and I just said, “I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.” … He said, “Oh, okay.” ‪#‎realAmericanhero‬ ‪#‎yeshesaidit‬

If this keeps up no telling what Trump will have to do to grab the headlines back. Later today on CNN Ben Carson said the holocaust would have been less likely had Jews been armed…. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Four Russian missiles fired at targets in Syria instead landed in a remote part of Iran.So, you see, Colin Kaepernick, you are not alone.”

And how many hours after the early bird special?

April 23, 2015

Impressive win by the Spurs tonight in OT against the Clippers in Los Angeles. Heck, impressive with the game ending after 10pm PT, midnight CT, that most of the team was up that much past their bedtimes.

Gregg Popovich used the “Hack a Jordan” strategy tonight in the win,  putting DeAndre Jordan at the line repeatedly.  Ugly, yes.  Fun to watch, no, fun for the Clippers, no. But there IS a solution, for Jordan and others – learn to shoot a bleeping free throw.

The Oklahoma City Thunder fired Scott Brooks today, after he had coached the team for seven years. Guess Brooks didn’t do a good enough job of making sure Durant and Westbrook didn’t get hurt?

Jameis Winston now says he didn’t steal the crab legs, but they were given to him by a Publix employee. as was a cake the week before. Uh, illegal benefits? Vacate the Seminoles wins! Or at the very least the NCAA should put USC on probation again.

Your tax dollars at work. Today the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction . Saying his vague grand jury answer was “not material to the government’s investigation into steroids distribution.” But hey, this decision itself can be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. More tax dollars!

Greg Hardy was suspended for 10 games by the NFL after he was found guilty of assaulting and threatening to kill a former girlfriend. If he’d actually killed her would the Cowboys’ new DE have been given 12 games?

Really, former Chicago Bears kicker Jay Feely said Tim Tebow is the worst QB he has even seen in his NFL career? With all due respect, Tebow might not have even been the worst QB Feely saw on the Bears.

A Carnival Cruise ship made it to Sydney Harbor 24 hours late after suffering some damage from 40-foot waves during a major storm. No reported injuries. But stand by anyway for the CNN mini-series.

Revenge for the 21st century:. When a Japanese woman discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her, she put his iMac, iPhone, iPad and accessories into the bath tub. And then sent him a picture. Even in drought-stricken California most women would say that’s a fine use of water.

(Andy D. says,  “The waterproof Android phones need this as their new commercial!”)


Mitt Romney’s son Josh has said, for now, that he won’t run for the Senate in 2016, but thinks he will run for office some day in the future. Isn’t it nice to know that we live in a meritocracy that isn’t led by family dynasties?

During a question and answer session at the White House today for “Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a little girl asked Michelle Obama how old she was, and when Michelle responded, “51,” the girl made a funny face, and said “You look too young.” Then repeated “You’re too young for a 51 year old!”

Wonder if the House hearing this, immediately called for a special investigation.

The danger zone?

January 13, 2015

In D.C. one woman has died, two are in critical condition, and 81 others were injured when smoke filled a DC Metro station. And apparently this was caused by an electrical fault. Who needs terrorists when we have an aging and underfunded infrastructure?



Well, now that the Oregon-Ohio State game is over, we don’t have to see ESPN’s silly countdown clock to the National Championship.  ESPN’s countdown clock to the Super Bowl no doubt starts tomorrow.

When asked if he would ever consider moving to the NFL, Urban Meyer said, “Not right now. I’ve got a commitment to Ohio State.” Translation, ‘no ones offered me enough money, and none of my players here have yet been arrested for a felony.”

Caradle Jones, the third-string QB who led OSU to the National Championship, when asked about leaving early for the NFL – “In my personal opinion, I’m not ready for that level yet.” Well, maybe, but Jones might be at least ready for the level of the Jets.

Apparently Urban Meyer promised his team if they won the national championship he’d get a tattoo. And unlike his players, the OSU coach won’t get in trouble if he doesn’t pay for it.

Stay classy, Texas congressman Randy Weber tweeted, “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.” Just guessing Rep. Weber, who crusades against gay marriage and immigration, “our traditional family values are under attack,” isn’t even likely to pick up a copy of Charlie Hebdo.


Mike Huckabee criticizes the Obamas in an interview with PEOPLE magazine because they “on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful,” but they let their daughters listen to Beyonce. Yep, clearly a major lapse in parental judgment, and the President and First Lady might even let the girls read stuff like PEOPLE magazine.



Jason Garrett signed a new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. The deal was based on Garrett’s loyalty, success on the field, and ability to tolerate Jerry Jones.

Dianne Feinstein says the Justice Dept erred in recommending charges against General Petraeus over him giving his mistress access to some classified government documents. “It’s done, it’s over. He’s retired. He’s lost his job. How much does government want.” Besides, Petraeus probably didn’t leak as much as any two-bit college hacker can find in a day.

Rep. Randy Weber has apologized for his recent tweet, saying it “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler.” Considering the way that the Texas GOP demonizes Obama was Weber apologizing to the President or to Hitler?



Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because he says the airport is deliberately routing flights over his mansion – and causing “excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted and uninvited noise. The alleged motivation? Revenge for Trump’s blocking the airport expansion in the 1990s.

Well, if they weren’t doing it on purpose before, no doubt the airport director appreciates the idea.

United Airlines has warned 2,000 workers that they may outsource gate agents and baggage handlers at 28 non-hub airports.. So you think their customer service is bad now? Cheer up, it may get worse.

Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.


With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.


Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.


And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.

So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.


A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.


The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?


FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”



Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬


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