Posted tagged ‘Cowboys jokes’

And how many hours after the early bird special?

April 23, 2015

Impressive win by the Spurs tonight in OT against the Clippers in Los Angeles. Heck, impressive with the game ending after 10pm PT, midnight CT, that most of the team was up that much past their bedtimes.

Gregg Popovich used the “Hack a Jordan” strategy tonight in the win,  putting DeAndre Jordan at the line repeatedly.  Ugly, yes.  Fun to watch, no, fun for the Clippers, no. But there IS a solution, for Jordan and others – learn to shoot a bleeping free throw.

The Oklahoma City Thunder fired Scott Brooks today, after he had coached the team for seven years. Guess Brooks didn’t do a good enough job of making sure Durant and Westbrook didn’t get hurt?

Jameis Winston now says he didn’t steal the crab legs, but they were given to him by a Publix employee. as was a cake the week before. Uh, illegal benefits? Vacate the Seminoles wins! Or at the very least the NCAA should put USC on probation again.

Your tax dollars at work. Today the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction . Saying his vague grand jury answer was “not material to the government’s investigation into steroids distribution.” But hey, this decision itself can be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. More tax dollars!

Greg Hardy was suspended for 10 games by the NFL after he was found guilty of assaulting and threatening to kill a former girlfriend. If he’d actually killed her would the Cowboys’ new DE have been given 12 games?

Really, former Chicago Bears kicker Jay Feely said Tim Tebow is the worst QB he has even seen in his NFL career? With all due respect, Tebow might not have even been the worst QB Feely saw on the Bears.

A Carnival Cruise ship made it to Sydney Harbor 24 hours late after suffering some damage from 40-foot waves during a major storm. No reported injuries. But stand by anyway for the CNN mini-series.

Revenge for the 21st century:. When a Japanese woman discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her, she put his iMac, iPhone, iPad and accessories into the bath tub. And then sent him a picture. Even in drought-stricken California most women would say that’s a fine use of water.

(Andy D. says,  “The waterproof Android phones need this as their new commercial!”)

 

Mitt Romney’s son Josh has said, for now, that he won’t run for the Senate in 2016, but thinks he will run for office some day in the future. Isn’t it nice to know that we live in a meritocracy that isn’t led by family dynasties?

During a question and answer session at the White House today for “Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a little girl asked Michelle Obama how old she was, and when Michelle responded, “51,” the girl made a funny face, and said “You look too young.” Then repeated “You’re too young for a 51 year old!”

Wonder if the House hearing this, immediately called for a special investigation.

The danger zone?

January 13, 2015

In D.C. one woman has died, two are in critical condition, and 81 others were injured when smoke filled a DC Metro station. And apparently this was caused by an electrical fault. Who needs terrorists when we have an aging and underfunded infrastructure?

 

 

Well, now that the Oregon-Ohio State game is over, we don’t have to see ESPN’s silly countdown clock to the National Championship.  ESPN’s countdown clock to the Super Bowl no doubt starts tomorrow.

When asked if he would ever consider moving to the NFL, Urban Meyer said, “Not right now. I’ve got a commitment to Ohio State.” Translation, ‘no ones offered me enough money, and none of my players here have yet been arrested for a felony.”

Caradle Jones, the third-string QB who led OSU to the National Championship, when asked about leaving early for the NFL – “In my personal opinion, I’m not ready for that level yet.” Well, maybe, but Jones might be at least ready for the level of the Jets.

Apparently Urban Meyer promised his team if they won the national championship he’d get a tattoo. And unlike his players, the OSU coach won’t get in trouble if he doesn’t pay for it.

Stay classy, Texas congressman Randy Weber tweeted, “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.” Just guessing Rep. Weber, who crusades against gay marriage and immigration, “our traditional family values are under attack,” isn’t even likely to pick up a copy of Charlie Hebdo.

 

Mike Huckabee criticizes the Obamas in an interview with PEOPLE magazine because they “on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful,” but they let their daughters listen to Beyonce. Yep, clearly a major lapse in parental judgment, and the President and First Lady might even let the girls read stuff like PEOPLE magazine.

 

 

Jason Garrett signed a new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. The deal was based on Garrett’s loyalty, success on the field, and ability to tolerate Jerry Jones.

Dianne Feinstein says the Justice Dept erred in recommending charges against General Petraeus over him giving his mistress access to some classified government documents. “It’s done, it’s over. He’s retired. He’s lost his job. How much does government want.” Besides, Petraeus probably didn’t leak as much as any two-bit college hacker can find in a day.

Rep. Randy Weber has apologized for his recent tweet, saying it “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler.” Considering the way that the Texas GOP demonizes Obama was Weber apologizing to the President or to Hitler?

 

 

Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because he says the airport is deliberately routing flights over his mansion – and causing “excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted and uninvited noise. The alleged motivation? Revenge for Trump’s blocking the airport expansion in the 1990s.

Well, if they weren’t doing it on purpose before, no doubt the airport director appreciates the idea.

United Airlines has warned 2,000 workers that they may outsource gate agents and baggage handlers at 28 non-hub airports.. So you think their customer service is bad now? Cheer up, it may get worse.

Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.

 

With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.

 

Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.

 

And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.

So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.

 

A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.

 

The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?

 

FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”

 

 

Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬

Je suis Charlie

January 7, 2015

Such horrible news out of France with Charlie Hebdo. And over cartoons? I don’t care what religion you are, I’ll take the bus to hell any day over people who believe in a God with no sense of humor.

This picture from a gathering in France in support of Charlie Hebdo  – guess it’s time to give the French surrender jokes a rest for a while:

 

jesuischarliew

And back on the bus to hell.

 

A TLC new show titled “My Husband’s Not Gay” will focus on four men who admit to being attracted to men, but are married to women. Wonder if the show will be narrated by Michele Bachmann?

#‎JameisWinston‬ will apparently declare for the NFL draft. With luck he’ll be drafted by the NY Jets. ‪#‎Iloveagoodcircus‬

 

The ‪#‎NYKnicks‬ have lost their 13th game in a row and are 5-33. Rather shocking. How did they ever win 5 games?

 

The Detroit Pistons have won seven games in a row since they released Josh Smith, who was in year 2 of a 4 year, $54 million contract.   Wonder how many more games the Philadelphia 76ers could win if they released the entire team?

#‎StLouis‬ leaders say the ‪#‎Rams‬ officials are not returning their calls. I think this is now ‪#‎NFL‬ version of “He’s just not that into you.”

Jerry Jones, on why he had Chris Christie in his box “Whenever I can get around important or exciting people, I want to do it…I’ve got a nice little list of sitting with some pretty big winners at some of these key games.. I knew Nelson Mandela, I got to sit with him, and took him to the dressing room, and you can imagine how the players went crazy and coaches, just to meet Nelson Mandela.”

Yeah, when I think of people to compare to Nelson Mandela, Chris Christie comes right to mind.

Justin Bieber is the new “face” of Calvin Klein. Well, that ought to help the brand with Bieber’s adult fans, both of them..

Ah, here we go. Potential liberal on liberal violence ahead. Or at least a war of words. A judge today struck down California’s foie gras ban.

 

A least nine cases of measles have been reported with children visiting Disneyland and California Adventure over the holidays. Wonder how many of the idiots who didn’t vaccinate their kids were screaming last year that the U.S. should have done more to protect them from Ebola.

Father of the year award: Police were called to a party near San Diego, where they found about 200 teenagers drinking alcohol, and girls dressed in Playboy bunny outfits. It was a birthday party for an 18 year old girl. hosted by her dad.

The fun is starting early in the House. After saying months ago he would not retaliate against dissenters, John Boehner kicked two Republicans who voted against him for Speaker off the House Rules Committee. One said it was “something I would assume Vladimir Putin would do.”

And somewhere, President Obama is giggling.

From Marc Ragovin:   “Responding to his critics, Chris Christie said that he has always been a Cowboys fan and that he did not just jump on the bandwagon. “Thank god,” said the bandwagon.”

The 2.7% factor?

January 6, 2015

Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?

 

Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..

Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”

Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.

Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”

 

Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.

Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?

Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.

The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. ‪#‎wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy‬

 

O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.

From Bill Littlejohn,  “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”

Decisions, decisions.

November 5, 2014

A very low turnout in this year’s midterm elections. Which must on some level make all the winners and incumbents very happy.  Since all those people who didn’t vote have forfeited their bitching rights.

 

The polls are closed across the U.S. So finally the emails requesting money for the 2014 election will stop. The emails requesting money for 2016 start this morning.

Not that I’m wishing harm on anyone, but it will be interesting to see what happens this winter the first time some natural disaster hits some state where a GOP leader has won election campaigning against the federal government.

 

What a country. Kim Kardashian Monday night posted “‘I’m standing w Obama in the midterm election 2morrow!’ Of course, since Kim probably didn’t take time to vote she probably didn’t even notice the President not being on the ballot.

Not sure what Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who’s been downplaying her ties to Sarah Palin, might be like in the Senate. But her husband Gail at least looks like a gift for the comedy industry. This from his FB page last year: “What do you do if you see your ex running around in your front yard screaming and bloody? Stay calm. Reload. And try again.”

 

 

In Florida, Democrats had hoped a medical marijuana initiative would help Charlie Crist in Tuesday’s election. Alas wonder how many supporters  of the amendment will show up to vote Wednesday.

A statement that kind of sums up American priorities. This from Kristin Mavromatis with the Mecklenburg County Board of Elections in North Carolina: “There are lines all over the place Not quite as long as the line at the Cheesecake Factory but there are lines.”

Wonder how many people who didn’t think they have time to vote had time to update their fantasy football teams. ‪#‎ElectionDay‬

Fox News’ Tucker Carlson. “We need, I think, an older white guy appreciation day, I think they have done a lot for this country.” With all due respect, in the U.S. EVERY day is “older white guy appreciation day.”

 

A Virgin Australia flight bound for Sydney had to return to Los Angeles because of a plumbing problem that resulting in a nauseating smell on board. Ah for the good old days, when the most nauseating thing on a plane was the free food.

President Obama just declared the lava flow from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano to be a major disaster, which frees up federal money to help. Wonder how many people are thinking.”Yeah, just like Obama to send U.S. money overseas.”

 

Tony Romo says he is optimistic about Sunday’s game in London. Well, of course, who wouldn’t be optimistic with the prospect of playing the Jacksonville Jaguars?

 

Another why there is no satire: Dallas Cowboys hashtag for their London game is ‪#‎CowboysUK‬ Yes, they do.-

 

 

The LA Dodgers have hired Oakland A’s assistant GM Farhan Zaidi as their next GM. Right, okay, because the Athletics lasted so much longer than the Dodgers in recent playoffs.

Class, nothing but class. (seriously)

October 30, 2014

After the SF Giants win, the folks at Kaufmann stadium turned the fountains to orange.   And hey, since the Giants are an even year team, happy to root for the KC Royals in 2015.

 

 

fountains

 

If poetry is “emotion recollected in tranquility,” then these World Series post game shows are indeed poetry. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Doesn’t it seem sometimes like Joe ‪#‎Panik‬ has always been at 2nd for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬? ‪#‎realbaseballplayer‬

But breathing plan for Game 7.   Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Ah screw it, so how long can you hold your breath anyway? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Game7‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

Chicks dig the small ball ‪#‎sfgiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

 

 

 

 

SF Giants have accomplished a double mission. First, winning the World Series. Second, giving all their fans a free cardiac stress test.

 

And yet, win or lose, Giamatti was right about baseball. Nonetheless, Go Giants.

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ”

Joe Maddon is the new manager of the Chicago Cubs, reportedly for about a 5 year, $25 million contract. Which might work out to over $8 million a year. ‪#‎tradition‬ ‪#‎waituntilnextyear

Jeb Bush has hit the metaphorical campaign trail, assailing Obama for his Ebola response, saying it “fueled fears that may not be justified.”So what the President really should have done to calm Americans was start shutting down the media? Starting with FOX News.

Harold Reynolds last night during the World Series telecast called Bud Selig “the greatest (MLB) commissioner of all time.” Hard to imagine but someone did it. Proved they could be worse about baseball than Joe Buck,

.-

Not alas, the Onion. In Arizona, the Senate Judiciary Committee endorsed a bill that would allow employers to ask employees for proof that they are seeking contraceptives for purposes other than sex. (like acne, or hormone issues) and deny them coverage if they don’t comply. Where’s the bill to ban coverage for Viagra?

 

Jerry Jones on whether Tony Romo will play next week. “This is a function of pain tolerance. And Cowboys fans during the Romo years are rolling their eyes and thinking “we know all about pain tolerance.”

 

Poor Julius Randle. The Lakers rookie, who broke his leg in the season opener, will probably be out for the year. On a brighter note, next year Randle has a good chance of playing with a #1 draft pick.

Bill Littlejohn, on Florida football coach Will Muschamp saying he’s adopting a bunker mentality: “Which one, Archie or Edith?”


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