Posted tagged ‘Congress jokes’

Beating the odds?

March 17, 2015

Hampton beat Manhattan Tuesday night in the “First Four” to get into the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Where they will play Kentucky. Sort of like winning a competition between two Christians to meet the lions.

Stanford beat UC Davis in tonight’s first round of the NIT. And yeah, it’s not exactly a great accomplishment. But but it’s a heck of a lot better than losing in the first round of the NIT. Or losing to UC Davis, anytime.  (As former Stanford football coach Walt Harris would tell you – 20-17 in 2005)

 

Pete Rose has submitted a new request to be reinstated to baseball. Rose is optimistic this time, figuring his odds are 2 to 1.

After ‪#‎ChrisBorland‬ leaving the SF 49ers, who’s next? Presumably some player who’s afraid of drowning inside the sinking ship?

Chris Borland, 24, is ending his NFL career because of worries about brain damage. Why so young? Maybe only young players still have brains working well enough to think about it.

 

The Kappa Delta Rho frat at Penn State fraternity has been suspended over allegedly having a “secret Facebook page showing mostly nude women who were ‘sleeping or passed out.'” Wonder how many people at the University are thinking “Thank God they were at least adult women”?

Passengers on a United flight from Dulles tackled and subdued a possibly drunk or drugged man who was rushing the cockpit soon after takeoff last night. United may or may not reward the passengers, but the Washington Redskins are interested in talking to the men for a tryout on defense.

 

The Secret Service said a letter mailed to the White House tested “presumptive positive” for cyanide. What was the first clue that made them suspicious? That someone actually mailed a real paper letter to the White House?

Toronto Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar apparently injured his oblique while sneezing last weekend. The SF Giants just ordered Jeremy Affeldt to start taking preventive Benadryl.

Kanye West tweeted nude pictures of Kim Kardashian when she reached 30 million Twitter followers. With all due respect are there any of those 30 million who haven’t already seen her naked?

Ryanair says their long range plans include transatlantic flights, with fares as low as1 10 pounds. (about $15 USD.) Of course the fees for boarding passes, carry-on bags, checked bags, credit card usage, oxygen masks, seat belts, seat cushions and lavatories etc will push the ticket price up several hundred dollars.

#‎StPatricksDay‬ toast: May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets. ‪#‎HappyStPatricksDay‬

So St. Patrick’s Day in America has become green beer day. Lading to March 18 being “green after too much beer day.”

House Republicans have introduced another budget with massive spending cuts and yet another proposed repeal of Obamacare. If they really want to make their point, why don’t GOP members in the House offer to give up their own expensive healthcare and shop for alternatives on the open market?

Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning his seat over allegations of improper spending, including real estate deals, and using congressional money to redecorate his office in “Downton Abbey” style. Buzzfeed had just reported he also spent $5,000 for a portable podium that looks like the current presidential podium. So clearly this is Obama’s fault.

(My friend Richard Rothschild says “Yet another example of why Illinois consistently is the No. 1 Midwest seed in the National Corruption Tournament.”)

 

 

From Marc Ragovin   “I’m not saying that Robert Durst is guilty, but he just demanded that a Las Vegas sports memorabilia dealer give him back his stuff.”

Dressed?

February 28, 2015

Note to men, it doesn’t matter what color you say the dress is, as long as you don’t say it makes her look fat.

“He’s dead, Jim” End of an era. Leonard Nimoy has passed away at the age of 83. He prospered but seems like he did not live long enough..

 

 

 

 

With all that is going on in the world, this week Americans seem most focused on a dress and runaway llamas?! . Now we know what REALLY killed Leonard Nimoy. ‪#‎beammeupScottytheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

 

 

Most upset person in the US over ‪#‎theDress‬” has to be Kim Kardashian. Americans are actually ignoring her pictures in favor of a body that is fully clothed? ‪#‎thenerve‬

 

#‎whythereisnosatire‬. Gov. Scott Walker said this week that his experience taking on thousands of protestors in Wisconsin has helped prepare him to take on international terrorists. ‪#‎facepalm‬

Illinois GOP Rep. Aaron Schock has personally repaid $40,000 this month, after he was accused of spending taxpayer money to decorate his congressional office in the style of the TV show “Downton Abbey.” “Downton Abbey?” Really? How shocking! A Republican watches PBS?

Marco Rubio today at CPAC said “Hillary Clinton” is “Yesterday.” So if it’s Clinton-Bush in 2016 can we count on Rubio for a rousing chorus of “Yesterday Once More?”

 

The NBA says that on Monday and throughout the playoffs, the league will now publicly release internal reports on all calls and relevant no-calls in the final minutes of close games. Not that they will change such calls after the fact. Maybe they can start by retroactively apologizing to the 2002 Sacramento Kings.

So there are rumors that the NFL is sitting on a video regarding a 2011 incident where Dez Bryant’s girlfriend was apparently dragged around a Wal-Mart parking lot by an unidentified black man. (She and Bryant have denied the two were in an argument.) But hey, it’s all good. If it’s the NFL I am sure no one’s actually looked at the tape.

 

The House voted down a stopgap funding measure for the Department of Homeland Security today., resulting in this comment “There are terrorist attacks all over world and we’re talking about closing down Homeland Security. This is like living in world of crazy people.” And this is not Nancy Pelosi. It’s GOP Rep. Peter King.

Meanwhile,  though the bill finally passed, So when can we expect ‪#‎RudyGiuliani‬ to start screaming about GOP House members who voted down ‪#‎HomelandSecurity‬ $$$ not loving America.

We’ve come a long way, baby?

December 16, 2014

Not exactly. Barbara Walters named Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the “Most Fascinating Person of 2014,” because marrying George Clooney was “one of the greatest achievements in human history.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

Credit where credit is due. So far NJ Gov. Chris Christie, who was spotted last night in owner Jerry Jones’ luxury box, refuses to renounce his love for the Dallas Cowboys, saying he would never change his team loyalties to score political points. Besides, if Christie starting rooting for the Giants or Jets this year Americans would seriously question his sanity.

#‎JohnnyManziel‬ said Sunday was “a little bit of an off day.” In related news, the ‪#‎Cubs‬ have had a little bit of an off century.

The movie “Titanic” is leaving Netflix in 2015. This news will disappoint millions of women and about two men.

 

New Orleans Saints – 6-8, 1st in NFC South. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Saints fan and I love Drew Brees. But normally this level of mediocrity is only rewarded by re-election.

Northern California is getting enough rain that now some people who have been claiming they don’t have nice lawns because of the drought will now have to admit they don’t have lawns because they are lazy.

Happiest non-Saints fans tonight are Detroit fans, as Lions play the Bears next week and need a win to make playoffs ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎NOvsCHI‬ ‪#‎Saints‬

The NFL admitted they made a mistake calling SF LB Nick Moody for a roughing-the-passer penalty in the 49ers 17-7 loss yesterday.. And the Seahawks then scored a TD instead of settling for a FG. Which is some validation, although the final score then would have been 13-7.

From T.C.  “After almost 8,000 no shows at Soldier Field, and another brutal performance tonight, the Chicago Bears will announce Jon Lester as their starting QB in week 16.”

So the SF Giants “lost” Chase Headley to the NY Yankees, 4 years, $52 million. But the guy’s stats last year? He hit .243 with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. We aren’t exactly talking Brooks Robinson here.

Apparently a British TV crew discovered a “magic” mushroom in the Buckingham Palace gardens. Hmm, maybe now we know how the Queen can smile and waive all the time.

A new Gallup Poll said Congress’s job-approval rating this year averaged 15%. Wow. Anyone know someone in that 15%?

Now ABC News is reporting that in a taped phone conversation, an NFL executive promised Adrian Peterson a two-game suspension instead of the indefinite ban he was given. Give the league credit, whatever bad stuff happens, the NFL itself still often manages to come off worse than the suspended players.

 

Once and future king.

December 14, 2014

george

Many think Prince Charles should have just married Camilla in the beginning, and saved himself and others much grief. On the other hand, his otherwise disastrous marriage to Diana does appear to have improved the gene pool. (And the look of the future British currency and stamps.)

 

Bryce Harper didn’t show up today at the NatsFest fan festival, apparently because of a grievance over a dispute over the Nationals star wanting to opt-out in 2015, the last year of the 5-yr $9.9 million contract he signed as a rookie. Harper, who is represented by Scott Boras, said he was “was unable to attend this year’s event due to matters out of my control.” Uh, that’s a clown statement, bro.

 

 

 

On Saturday night, the Senate approved a $1.1 trillion spending bill and sent it to the President for his signature. Because heaven forbid differences large and small should stand in the way of what’s really important – getting Congress home for their Christmas vacations.

#Whythereisnosatire. Ted Cruz wants to shut down the government again over immigration and Obama’s “illegal amnesty.” And yet, this is a man who was born in Canada and whose Cuban father made it to the U.S. when “a lawyer friend of my father basically bribed a Batista official to stamp my passport with an exit permit.”

In New York, 10 people were indicted over selling bogus airline tickets to about 200 people, and leaving many of them stranded at airports. Really, what were they thinking? Stranding people at the airport is the airlines’ job.

Looks the the people who are happiest about the new “Exodus: Gods and Kings” moves may be anyone involved with either “Ishtar” or “Gigli.” ‪#‎newworstmovieever‬?

 

As the unveiled Sony emails become more and more embarrassing, one good thing is no doubt Americans in future will be much more careful about what they type and post. ‪#‎notachance‬ ‪#‎slowlearners‬

Will Muschamp, less than two weeks after being fired at Florida, accepted a job as defensive coordinator at Auburn, and said “I’m just a ball coach.” And Gator fans said “Don’t flatter yourselves.”

No serious football Saturday except the Heisman trophy presentation. Which means ESPN et al could focus on the countdown to Johnny Manziel’s start tomorrow.

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You know it’s been a down year for the ‪#‎SEC‬ when a ‪#‎Pac12‬ player actually wins the ‪#‎Heisman‬

Pigs are flying. This quote tonight on the spending bill “Before Congress starts handing out Christmas presents to the megabanks and Wall Street…., we need to remove these risky derivatives that aren’t even necessary for normal banking purposes and would only make future taxpayer funded bailouts more likely.” Elizabeth Warren? Nope,  GOP Louisiana Senator  David Vitter.

Storm Watch?

December 10, 2014

A storm expected to wreak havoc in California is dubbed the “Pineapple Express” , because the rain comes directly from Hawaii to the West Coast. Okay, so clearly this one we can blame on Obama.

 

Schools in San Francisco, Marin and Oakland are closing tomorrow in anticipation of a big rain storm. Well, this should do wonders for the West Coast’s “soft” reputation.

Got to love this factoid from the SF Chronicle’s John Shea about Madison Bumgarner going to New York to accept the SI “Sportsman of the Year” award: He went out and got a suit for the occasion.

The House and Senate are about to approve multiplying by 10 the amount of money a person can contribute to a national political party from $32,400 to $324,000, and up to $648,000 in two years. Great, because that’s a major problem in Washington D.C., not enough money in elections….

 

Kate and William dazzled in New York this week. I know we got our independence and all that from Britain, but just imagine getting our regular celebrity fix from them instead of the Kardashians.

The NFL’s new personal conduct policy says “A suspension of six games without pay for violations involving assault, sexual assault, battery, domestic violence, child abuse and other forms of family violence will be in effect, but with consideration given to mitigating or aggravating circumstances.” “Mitigating circumstances” like being a superstar on a playoff bound team or being an owner?

The ‪#‎LADodgers‬ have acquired ‪#‎JimmyRollins‬ in a trade to be their starting shortstop. Even Vin Scully is saying “Isn’t he a bit old?”

So many players and front office staff think they can break the Cubs 106 year old jinx? Female sports fans aren’t surprised – these same men probably think they can win an argument with a woman.

Scott Boras said he would love for the SF Giants to enter the bidding for Max Scherzer. With all due respect, is there any team Boras wouldn’t want to enter the bidding, as long as they bring plenty of $$$?

ESPN headline “Transcript shows inconsistencies in Goodell’s testimony on Rice matter.” I’m shocked, said absolutely positively no one.

From my funny friend Jim Barach “Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn says that athletes and rock stars are exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the Senator is upset that those loopholes were intended to be used only by business people who donate the money they save to their congressmen.”

A Harvard professor is demanding the town of Brookline intervene in his fight with a local Chinese restaurant who he claims charged him $1 too much on each of 4 items. Yes, a $4 overcharge. The restaurant said their website was out of date.) Thereby proving Kissinger right again about academics.

Some wonder why big-name free agents don’t want to sign with the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after three World Series rings. One thought, a lot of stars want to be legendary heroes. On the Giants, first it’s all about team, second you have to stand in line for the hero title.

Rick Perry said today “People expect me to run for President.” Not sure about that. But comedy writers are praying for it.

Message from Stanford about the Foster Farms Bowl. ” Fans who buy tickets through Stanford Athletics will be seated in the designated Stanford section and helps support 900+ student-athletes.” Translation, we expect about 500 folks from Maryland to show up and so the bowl will probably be discounting tickets on Groupon, but please help us fill our allotment.

Youthful follies.

December 2, 2014

Elizabeth Lauten, who posted that rant on FB about the Obama girls and their clothes, resigned today as communications director for a GOP congressman from Tennessee. Well, at least she won’t have to deal with that interview question “why did you leave your last job?”.

Some wonder where Elizabeth Lauten will end up next. I got dibs on FOX News in the pool.

Madonna, 56, is topless in a new photo spread in “Interview” magazine. And you think you embarrass YOUR children.

 

Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer, defending his role as the team’s starter. “We’re 7-5. That just doesn’t happen by luck.” No, but getting to have played Tennessee, Jacksonville, Oakland, Atlanta, New Orleans and Tampa Bay doesn’t hurt either.

Some tickets for tonight’s Miami-NY ‪#‎MNF‬ game were going for $15. But many Jets fans were holding out to be paid more.

It’s getting bad. At this point the only halfway decent team playing football in New Jersey might be 7-5 ‪#‎Rutgers‬. ‪#‎NYJets‬ #nyjets

The Washington Redskins had a “Cyber Monday” deal for season tickets. “By Telephone Only.” Sounds like Dan Snyder and company get the concept of “Cyber Monday” about as well as they get the idea of putting together a decent football team.

 

 

Cyber Monday is over. The one day of the year when average American women are as focused on their jobs as most men are during the first day of March Madness.

Lindsey Vonn says her boyfriend Tiger Woods is an “inspiration”. “You’re just figuring that out now?” responded comedy writers.

The NFL has decided not to fine the St. Louis Rams players who made the “hands up don’t shoot” gesture before yesterday’s game with Oakland. Nor are they fining the Raiders who looked like they were REALLY surrendering.

TC says  “The Raiders played the entire game with their hands up also. Did you know their “Challenge Flag” is white?”

House Speaker John Boehner has indicated another government shutdown could be possible when a temporary funding measure expires Dec. 11. Here’s a simple solution – NO ONE from Congress goes home for the holidays until they have a deal, period..

The winner of Uruguay’s presidential election, Tabare Vazques, has promised to create the first state-run marijuana marketplace. In related news, travel agents report a sudden jump in calls asking to visit Uruguay.

May the night light be with you.

November 7, 2014

Star Wars VII now has a title “The Force Awakens.” And given the age of many in the cast, presume the subtitle is “Every Few Hours in the Middle of the Night to Pee.”

 

Madison Bumgarner just won the “Silver Slugger” award for being the best offensive player at his position. But the SF Giants lefty didn’t get a hit in the postseason, including the World Series. What a disappointment.

San Diego shortstop Everth Cabrera was stopped for allegedly driving under the influence of marijuana, and ultimately charged with resisting arrest. Of course, being a Padre, if he pulled the “Do you know who I am?” card, the answer might have honestly been. “No.”

A-Rod reportedly admitted to using PEDS during a meeting with the DEA earlier this year. Yep, baseball normalcy has returned: The World Series is over and the Yankees are back in the headlines.

The first NFL 2015 “International Series” game at Wembley will be the Miami Dolphins vs. the NY Jets. And Jets fans are thinking, “Can London just keep them?”

John Boehner said that executive actions by Obama on immigration would “poison the well” for legislation. As opposed to that great bipartisan effort Congress has made with the President so far?

A court today upheld gay marriage bans in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee. So in those last two states, men can still marry their sisters, just not their brothers?

On Fox News, Condoleezza Rice criticized Democratic campaign ads aimed at African Americans in the South that featured Ferguson and the death of Michael Brown. She said she found the fear mongering “appalling” and “insulting.” Uh, okay Condi, but what about fear mongering in GOP ads aimed at whites about crime and immigration featuring minorities?

 

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said of freshman Jahlil Okafor “We won’t have him long. We’ll have him this year and then he’ll be one of the top [NBA] picks.” In other words, Okafor’s second semester professors might as well forget about getting those papers turned in.

Wonder if Okafor will stick around long enough to learn to spell “Krzyewski?”

 

 

Let the fun begin. Sources told ESPN that Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome testified under oath Thursday that he heard Ray Rice in June tell Roger Goodell that he hit Janay in a casino hotel elevator.  So let’s see, does the NFL commissioner claims amnesia or a concussion.

 

 

Jennifer Aniston apparently goes without makeup in her new film “Cake,” and called it “dreamy and empowering and liberating.”    And yes, imagine what a shocking change  it must have been – relying only on her personal assistants, trainer and esthetician.

Lebron James is apparently “concerned” about the Cavaliers 1-3 start. Did he think it would be easy for the team to improve enough to be knocked off by the Spurs in the NBA finals?


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