Posted tagged ‘Congress jokes’

Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

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Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

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If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

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At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

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From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon’”

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Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

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With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

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Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ‘emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

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Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

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In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

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Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”

 

 

Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?

 

 

-Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

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Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.

 

 

Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

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The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

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In England, the lawyer for ex-”News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

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Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

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At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

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Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

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Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

Our short national nightmare is over.

June 19, 2014

#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.

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British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?

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And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?

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My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.

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John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.

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Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.

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So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks

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Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.

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Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

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So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.

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England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

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In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.

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New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.

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KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names.  Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van.  And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.

(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)

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A seriously cool story.  Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714

Games People Play

April 28, 2014

The X Games Austin this June will now feature a “Call to Duty” tournament. What’s next, MLG (Major League Gaming) in the Olympics?

 

The “Kissing Congressman,” Vince McAllister, who campaigned on Christian values and was caught on tape with a staffer, says he will not seek re-election. Guess McAllister wants to spend more time lying to his family.

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The SEC, saying they want to improve strength of schedule, will start in 2016 to require that all football teams schedule at least one ACC, Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 team per season. That stampeding sound you hear is all the SEC AD’s rushing to call Cal.

 

A ESPN report citing Jim Nantz says that the Dallas Cowboys “will do whatever it takes” to get Johnny Manziel. Because there are still people outside of North Texas who don’t already hate the Cowboys?

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In South Korean, three people have been arrested on suspicion of destroying evidence connected to the ferry sinking. These people almost make the captain of Costa Concordia look decent by comparison.

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Paul Simon and his wife, Edie Brickell, have been arrested on disorderly conduct charges. What were they doing, burning that bridge over troubled water

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I’m not even a Warriors fan – root more for the Spurs. But well played Dubs fans, well played.

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Warriors coach Mark Jackson says that fans should boycott game 5 in Los Angeles as a response to the comments made by Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Fair enough, but why didn’t he also suggest fans boycott game 4 in Oakland?

Not sure in a community property state why Donald Sterling’s wife has stayed with him all these years, but now might be a good time to file for divorce. Especially if she can get an African-American judge.

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Yes, I believe in free speech. But even as big of an idiot as Donald Sterling should have known that with a woman you are basically buying, NOTHING is free.

 

If all these sponsors leaving the Clippers teach us anything it may be that the color that matters isn’t black or white, but green.

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If any other NBA owners have negative thoughts about minorities, including gays, probably not a good idea to share them in a conversation with your mistress.

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So has anyone asked the #DuckDynasty clan what they think of #DonaldSterling?

 

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Marc Ragovin wonders if “it’s time for Donald Sterling to take up cattle ranching?”

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#DonaldSterling may have saved the #Pacers from being the most embarrassing story of these NBA playoffs.

Almost memories?

February 1, 2014

All of this Justin Bieber trouble in the headlines makes many Americans nostalgic for a kinder, gentler time, when the worst music export we could blame Canada for was Celine Dion.

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said today that the name “Redskins” “honors Native Americans”, and “is a unifying force that stands for strength, courage, pride and respect..” Maybe once upon a time, but has Goodell watched the team play lately?”

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Federal authorities say they have seized over $21 million in fake Super Bowl merchandise. What was their first clue? Did some of the gear say “Dallas Cowboys” on it?

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Just think, the U.S. is only about a day away from being done with pre-Super Bowl hype. And after the post-Super Bowl recap is done we should be only about 48 hours away from NFL draft hype.

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In Kingsport, Tenn, SF 49ers OL Daniel Kilgore was charged with public intoxication last Saturday night when police saw him “staggering” on a sidewalk and arrested him for his “safety and the welfare of the public.”. Just one thought, Kilgore is listed at 308 lb. How many drinks does it take to get “staggering” drunk at 308 lbs?

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It’s an old joke but someone’s got to recycle it. Police today Friday were investigating white powder scares in New Jersey near MetLife Stadium. Wonder if the cops were Jets and Giants fans, in which case there’s a good chance the unknown powder was the goal line.

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Olive Garden has a promotion next Friday night, drop off your kids at a “My Gym” location, eat at Olive Garden, show your receipt, and the babysitting is free. If this works maybe real Italian restaurants will follow suit.

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Roger Goodell, joking about marijuana and the NFL drug policy, “I am randomly tested, and I’m happy to say that I am clean.” No doubt. If Goodell inhaled, the No Fun League might be a little mellower.

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Apparently Tim Tebow will appear in two Super Bowl ads. If the ads are any good presumably they’ll only run in the 4th quarter?

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U.S. Capitol Police say they will not press charges over the incident when Rep. Michael Grimm threatened to throw a reporter over a “f*cking balcony.” No doubt because despite the threat, the police figured, Grimm’s a Congressman, they don’t actually DO anything.

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In an interview with Geraldo Rivera Rudy Giuliani said it’s “fifty-fifty” that Christie was aware in advance of the bridge closures. And if anyone knows on the uncertain odds of honesty, it’s the man who’s said “til death do us part” three times.

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Not sure if these new allegations that Chris Christie knew about the bridge closure in advance are true. But strikes me if they are the NJ Governor maybe should have responded when the story first hit ” – Yeah, I closed down a few lanes on his damn bridge. What do you think I’ll do to countries who don’t cooperate with the U.S.?”

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Apparently 6% of Americans call in sick the day after the Super Bowl. Forget avoiding cruises, clearly the real way to take care of your health is to avoid Super Bowl parties.

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Now Toronto mayor Rob Ford has come to the defense of Justin Bieber. Maybe Ford views Bieber as a future Canadian political leader?

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Robert Marchand, 102, broke his own world record in the 100′s cycling category. He rode 26.927 kilometers in one hour, more than 2.5 kilometers better than his previous best time two years ago. Quick, somebody test his ENSURE.

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Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

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Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

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Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

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The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

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Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

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Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

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You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

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So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

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Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

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With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

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The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

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Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

Progress and Congress.

October 16, 2013

Cory Booker won the U.S Senate seat in New Jersey tonight. Against a Republican who called him a “Hollywood stand-in” for President Obama. Alas for Steve Lonegan NJ voters apparently viewed him as a stand-in for Ted Cruz.

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A new study found that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. The scary thing… what does that mean for treats that are made from real chocolate?

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A flight from San Jose to Honolulu made an emergency stop in Oakland after a bird was sucked into an engine. Alaska Airlines reported no injuries. The bird, however, would disagree.

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Brian Cashman’s former mistress is suing her psychiatrist for leaking medical information to the Yankees GM, which she claims to her arrest and incarceration for five months. Hmm, maybe we’ve found a possible woman who really deserves A-Rod.

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Obama met briefly today with Miss America Nina Davuluri when she visited the White House with a group from the Children’s Miracle Network Hospital Champions. Presumably the President did so despite an offer to fill in during the shutdown from former President Clinton.

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Staten Island Congressman Michael Grimm, who is single, is denying the story that he had a 17-minute sexual encounter with a woman in a wine bar bathroom. I don’t know… 17 minutes? Might raise his standing with female voters.

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Ted Cruz decided not to block a vote on the Senate shutdown-debt ceiling deal. So has he decided he likes “Green Eggs & Ham?”

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John Boehner may have accomplished the impossible – making Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell look like statesmen.

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So regarding this Redskins controversy, we used to have the Washington Senators. In light of current events and current competence levels, why don’t we rename the football team the Washington House?

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“Better to keep silent and be thought a fool” dept: Colts owner Jim Irsay said he was “frustrated” that his team won only one Super Bowl when Peyton Manning was there. Just the motivation Peyton needs for his next opponent… Indianapolis.

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Peyton Manning in response to Colts’ owner Irsay’s complaint about them only having 1 ring. “I don’t have any answer for you on that, or any comment on any of that.” Two points on that: 1. Archie raised a classy son. 2. Broncos are 6-0, and the Colts 4-2. (No comment is a bit classier than “Suck it, Irsay.”)

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What a relief for Fox announcers. With Pedroia’s single in 1st tonight, they didn’t need to spend most of #ALCS game 4 jinxing another #Tigers no-hitter.

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If any men needed more explanation as to why females still adore Robert Redford, there’s was today’s CNN interview: Where the actor said that women and young people are the answer in Washington “Give them the reins. I think they can do better than we have.”

First love, first hate.

October 12, 2013

An actual semi-serious post to start:  Well, as serious as sports gets  :-)

 

First love, first hate. They stick with you. Since 1986 – “You gotta like these kids” – I have been a die-hard SF Giants fan. But my first team growing up as a kid was the Detroit Tigers, my first favorite player, Mickey Lolich. (Had to empathize with the less than glamorous lefty.) Got lucky with a 1968 World Series win. But then 1971, and Lolich’s best year with 25 wins still left him a runner-up to Vida Blue for the Cy Young.   And in 1972, the Oakland A’s knocked the Detroit Tigers out in five games. The first ALCS playoff. Broke my heart. I was 13.

 

And I haven’t forgiven the A’s since. To the point, that, yes, I admit it, I wasn’t completely unhappy when Kirk Gibson hit that home run off Eck. 1989 didn’t help, but I have “forgiven” other teams who beat the Giants. The Tigers were my first love, the A’s, my first hate. And yes, I rooted for the Giants last year. But felt just a bit guilty.   So, Thursday night made me happy. And even though I was born in Boston, game one of the ALCS made me happy.   And JV and company,  hope you bring a trophy with those little flags back to a city that could really use it.

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Now back to less serious stuff, like football:

Clemson  suspended two players for “poor behavior.” And NY Giants fans said “You can do that?”

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Lane Kiffin said today his firing was “very difficult.”. And USC fans are thinking “not as difficult as watching the teams you coached.”

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Texas wins big over Oklahoma in the “Save Mack Brown’s Job Bowl.”

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From my friend Karen T.   “Dear Jackass ESPN Announcer Calling the Michigan v Penn State Game: Jerry Sandusky was not involved in a “sex scandal”. Jerry Sandusky is a pedophile and a serial child molester.  Yes, there IS a difference and yes, it DOES matter.

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Stanford lost 27-21 today.    And a near comeback fell short when a 3rd and 2 at the 6 with a minute left resulted into calls for two incomplete passes.   Is it a rule that a #Stanford football coach must have a brain cramp once a season?   

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In the misery loves company department, Stanford fans might have some sympathy for Michigan. Up a touchdown with 30 seconds left, the Wolverines lost 43-40 in 4 OTS. After missing 3 of 4 FGs that could have won the game in the first 3 OTS.

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In a recent poll, 22% of Americans admitted to not knowing which party their current member of Congress belongs to. Of course, the harder question might have been “Name your member of Congress.”

(And has my friend David mentioned, how many think they know and are wrong?)

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Okay, if we HAVE to pay Congress during the shutdown, can we at least fine them for each day it goes on…. say an amount exactly equal to that day’s pay?

The playing’s the thing.

October 6, 2013

Navy beat Air Force in a game played Saturday despite the government shutdown. Now, if somehow due to security issues ALL football games were cancelled during the shutdown, this thing would be over by 1p Sunday – the time of the first NFL kickoffs.

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During all these college football games, universities like to run commercials touting their academics complete with lots of pictures. A shame players probably don’t see the ads, many of them would enjoy seeing what the classrooms look like.

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Listening to some of these members of Congress who say they NEED their paychecks: If you can’t live on $174,000 a year with a little cushion for emergencies how dare you say you know how to manage taxpayer money?

 

Oops, regulators had to halt trading in Tweeter Home Entertainment Group after their shares surged 2,200%, to 15 cents. Tweeter went out of business in 2007, but their symbol TWTRQ, is one letter shorter than Twitter’s TWTR, which will IPO in November. Right, if we privatize social security what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

 

Obama said that if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, and he knew the name was “offending a sizable group of people,” then he would “think about changing it.’ Now, if the President did suddenly own the Redskins, he’d start with some real bipartisan goodwill, as the current owner offends nearly everyone. #DanSnydersucks

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Alabama 45, Georgia State 3.    But the Crimson Tide didn’t cover the 55 point spread yet. Once again, showing that the official food of the SEC should be the cupcake.

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Headline about the driver shot and killed outside the Capitol last week “Police say woman deluded about Obama.” Uh, doesn’t that describe most Fox News viewers?

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Getting the sense that John Boehner has backed himself into a round room and is looking to hide in a safe corner. #Shutdown

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The House is apparently behind a resolution to give back pay to furloughed government employees for the time they end up not working. Are they trying to turn them all into honorary members of Congress?

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked why 2/3 of the uninsured in Texas have jobs — but no health care. “Again, it goes back to the choice that people get to make. Would you rather have a job, or would you rather be on public assistance? It’s as simple as that.” I guess it’s also a simple choice not to get sick?

 

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Stanford out-gained by 200 yards tonight but hung on to win 31-28. No first downs in the fourth quarter… This time Cardinal fans were glad all the East Coast viewers had gone to bed.

 

 

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday afternoon. Scary thing is, somebody has to win.

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NFC East is so weak, I think one more Giants’ loss and they clinch a first round bye.

Games people play

October 5, 2013

Now John Boehner is urging President Obama to negotiate on the shutdown, saying “This is not some damn game.” Well, if it’s not some damn game, why doesn’t the Speaker simply call a damn vote.

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Apparently the elevators at O.co Coliseum have already had issues. Everyone has fingers crossed for the plumbing. When they talk about if Oakland can make it to game 5 or 7 in a series, they may really mean whether the stadium will hold up that long.

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If you don’t have a NL team to root for to get to the World Series, may I suggest Pittsburgh. Not only are the Pirates the underdogs, but they have a fun young team, a beautiful stadium, and oh yeah, it will drive ratings-hungry Fox television executives crazy.

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Dusty Baker was fired by the Reds when Cincinnati once again failed to make it out of the first round, in their third playoff appearance in the last four years. Three in the last four years. Somewhere Cubs fans are just weeping.

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The Atlanta Braves didn’t even sell out their playoff game Thursday night. Maybe to increase attendance they should play during the halftime of a University of Georgia football game?

 

This Max Scherzer guy is pretty good. Maybe if ESPN and FOX hadn’t been so focused on Yankees-Red Sox more Americans might care about the ALDS because they would have seen the Tigers, and for that matter the As, play several games.

 

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LA Dodgers hit into so many double plays Friday night; if it weren’t for the color of their uniforms fans might think they are watching the 2013 SF Giants.

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Alex Rodriguez is now suing Bud Selig. Any way they can both lose? #douchebags

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A-Rod says in his lawsuit that ‘MLB is trying to destroy me.” Methinks the Yankees slugger is doing a pretty good job of that by himself.

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Friday night, Alex Rodriguez filed his second lawsuit of the day. This time against the Yankees team doctor and the hospital for misdiagnosing his left hip injury during the 2012 playoffs. Shame A-Rod’s lawyers can’t file a lawsuit against the guy in his mirror.

 

Jesse Ventura said on CNN’s Crossfire tonight that he might run for President in 2016. Even Donald Trump is thinking “You’re delusional.”

 

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Another thought on the GOP government shutdown “Kamikaze missions rarely turn out well, least of all for the pilots.” From the editorial pages of that commie pinko rag, the Wall Street Journal.

 

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Penn Gov. Tom Corbett, asked about his lawyers’ statement comparing legalizing gay marriage to legalizing marriage for children “It was an inappropriate analogy. I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister.” So what is Corbett doing? Trying to divert media attention from the crazies in Congress?

 

 

 

Let them eat cake, after they put in on layaway first?   Nebraska GOP Rep. Lee Terry on still accepting his salary during the shutdown: “Dang straight. I’ve got a nice house and a kid in college, and I’ll tell you we cannot handle it. Giving our paycheck away when you still worked and earned it? That’s just not going to fly.”

Orange Tuesday?

October 2, 2013

President Obama could end this showdown with Boehner today by issuing an executive order saying that due to the FDA inspector furloughs all tanning salons must be shut immediately.

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I do hope Americans who support the Tea Party’s shutting down the government will show their solidarity by not using interstate highways, taking airline flights, cashing Social Security checks etc….

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The government shutdown apparently might result in the cancellation of the Air Force-Army football game this weekend. Now we’re getting serious. If by some chance this thing start affecting the NFL Americans will storm the barricades for a resolution.

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It’s not just Lane Kiffin who’s unemployed. UConn just let Paul Pasqualoni go after an 0-4 start. The number one reaction? UConn has a football team.

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The U.C. Berkeley campus was closed last night due to a power outage caused by a chemical spill and explosion. This is not be be confused with the power outage suffered last Saturday by the Cal football team at Eugene.

If this keeps up John Boehner may actually make many of us miss Newt Gingrich.

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Just wondering, when we finally end this shutdown, and we will, assume the GOP is okay with the Democrats also following the “will of the people” and shutting down the government again over gun control?

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Let’s see, the FCC is shut. Which means Jon Stewart is on the honor system not to say anything too profane this week.

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A New Jersey man is facing charges after he texted the wrong number by mistake saying he had 1/4 lb of marijuana for sale. The text ended up going to a detective… Guess that short-term memory loss includes nine-digit numbers.

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From T.C.  “Sunday’s Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”

A Pittsburgh win in October? Since when did they start Tuesday Night Football?

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But really, the last time the Pirates were in the playoffs was 1992.    How long ago was that?   Bud Selig was saying he would soon step down as acting commissioner.  And we expected Clinton to be the next president.

The party (bus) is over…?

September 23, 2013

It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle

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Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-

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Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…

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President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he  was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.

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Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.

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Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”

 

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How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?

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From my friend Jim Barach:   A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)

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Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.

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Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.

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“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”

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Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.

Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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Midsummer classic?

June 18, 2013

You know a season might have gone on too long when you hear the term #MidsummerClassic and think possible #NBA finals game 7.

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The makers of Oreos have come out with a new watermelon flavored Oreo with pink and green fillings. “We think (it’s) a fun summer creme flavor that goes great with our Golden Oreo cookie,” a spokeswoman said. Here’s an idea, how about if you like watermelon flavor you pair your cookies with actual FRUIT.

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And who had this… as of right now Justin Verlander has the fourth best ERA of Detroit Tigers’ starters. Behind   Doug Fister, Anibal Sanchez , and Max Scherzer.

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Chris Christie says his favorite baseball team is the NY Mets. Makes some sense. Their performance usually guarantees he will look good by comparison.

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Dick Cheney says that after his heart transplant says he now wakes up each morning “with a smile on my face, thankful for the gift of another day I never expected to see.” Wonder if he’s privately thinking, if I knew I’d have felt this good, I’d have shot a potental donor a long time ago.

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Brilliant NBA finals half-time analysis: If the Heat don’t play better in the second half they are going to lose. Uh, considering the Spurs were up six at half, a pretty good guess.

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Gosh, a no call on a Heat foul on Manu Ginóbili driving for a potential game winner? Who’d a thunk that might happen in Miami?

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#NBAFinals referees. Combining the accurary of MLB umps with the integrity of Olympic figure skating.

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The NY Yankees and LA Dodgers are playing an interleague series. What were SF Giants fans rooting for? Presumably rain.

(Which they got  – a rainout.  Though Bill Schmarzo suggests “No, a 45 inning extra game where they blow the arms of all their relievers.”)

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Birthers, they’re baaack……This time it’s South Carolina GOP Rep. Jeff Duncan questioning Obama’s birth certificate and thus the “President’s validity.” Although no doubt Duncan has no problem with Ted Cruz, who Republicans say is “natural-born” enough because he was born in Canada to a mother who was a U.S. citizen.

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My friend Howard Fox notes:   “Kim Kardashian’s daughter already has one thing in common with her mom. She’s famous for absolutely nothing.”

My thought  -  So how long until Kim leaks the birth tape as a 2 DVD set with her sex tape?

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#Funwithstats    In 2012, Texas and Florida were the top two states for guns seized at airports by TSA, with 255 and 129 respectively. Although the highest totals at individual airports were Atlanta with 97 and DFW with 80. Phoenix, a much smaller airport, was 3rd with 54. But as Arizona says “We try harder.”

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San Jose is suing MLB over the league’s endless delays on a vote about the Oakland A’s moving to their city. Wonder if Bud Selig will assemble a team of “blue ribbon” lawyers to fight the suit.

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All you baseball fans on the East Coast, you are missing the late-night emergence of the Giants’ Juan Perez…. 4 outfield assists in a handful of games, one game-winner taken away by Venable’s catch last night, one 3-2, 2 out hit in the 8th to give SF the lead…. Puig who?

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And we wonder why Congress has 10% approval ratings. Speaker John Boehner says “I don’t see any way of bringing an immigration bill to the floor (for a vote) that doesn’t have majority support of Republicans.” And yet, he and the GOP will have a vote today on a bill banning abortions after 22 weeks that will not make it through the Senate, and which Obama would veto anyway.

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A serious thought for a change. Wonder how much of the mess in this country we could be fixed by getting rid of gerrymandered Congressional borders. It’s not just that the Democrats won 1.4 million more House votes in 2012, it’s that right now House members only have to please their carefully engineered safe districts and have no incentive to compromise.

Screwed or not to be screwed?

May 30, 2013

It could have been a long day when….. you are about to try to to put a corkscrew into a nice bottle of wine….and realize it’s a screwtop.

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Not that it mattered in the end, open note to all morons: If you make enough money to afford seats in the front row for a baseball game, you should be smart enough to keep your hands OFF a ball that is in play. (Yes, I’m talking to you, idiot who might have cost the Giants a triple.

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Although after another rough night  -for SF Giants’ fans -  maybe the #SFGiants would let #OaklandAs move to San Jose.  If the A’s  agreed to scrap those regular inter-league games?

(Say, aren’t the Seattle Mariners looking for a rival?)

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The SEC voted today 13-1 to keep playing only 8 football conference games a year instead of 9. Which could cost them TV ratings, but hey, 9 games means one less game against teams like Kent State, Chattanooga, and the Little Sisters of the Poor.

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The bad news: Two U.S Embassy officials were shot in an altercation at a Caracus, Venezuela strip club. The good news: Their injuries are not life-threatening, and they aren’t Secret Service.

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Wouldn’t be shocked to see GOP call for a Congressional committee to look into the two Embassy employees shot and wounded in a Caracas strip club. But if they do, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Bill Clinton has volunteered to head the investigation.

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Dear Gawd. Several Penn State trustees and former players, along with Joe Paterno’s family, are reportedly planning to sue the NCAA over the Sandusky sanctions. Only folks who may be happy about this are in Rutgers’ AD. Would take their mess right off the front page.)

 

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John McCain, after his sneak visit to Syria, says he is now more resolved that the U.S. must increase our involvement in their internal conflict. Leaving aside how well it usually turns out when we go into the Mid East, where is it written in the GOP handbook that deficits don’t count if they are incurred by the military?

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A woman turned in a loaded semi-automatic pistol found on a ride at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom, and a Florida man was asked to leave the park when he tried to retrieve the gun, which he said had fallen from his pocket. The man said he had a concealed weapons permit and didn’t realize Disney did not allow firearms. Your move, Arizona.

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Usher, who discovered Justin Bieber at the age of 13, told Ellen this week that he hops the young man “will continue to mature” Shocking? Usher thinks Bieber has started to mature?

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Baseball-softball, along with wrestling and squash, made the final three as the IOC decides which single sport to reinstate in the 2020 Olympics. If baseball-softball doesn’t end up winning, however, fans of amateur baseball will still have the little league, college games and the Houston Astros.

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Michele Bachmann says she is not running for re-election. And somewhere Jon Stewart is weeping..

 

So now it looks like there’s actually a legitimate chance for the NBA finals to be Indianapolis-San Antonio. ESPN is ready… to talk about potential changes to the NFL schedule..

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Silver lining department from T.C.  NCAA just announced that Rutgers has won both the men’s and women’s awards — for dodgeball.

Almost idle?

May 9, 2013

Well, at least one #AmericanIdol judge isn’t being fired after this season. Randy Jackson has announced he is quitting.

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It will be an interesting American Idol finale. But how many people would would vote to keep Angie – the woman voted off tonight  -as a judge next week, and send Nicki Minaj home?

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For teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums, Senator John McCain has a bill that wants to eliminate NFL TV blackouts for games that aren’t sold out. Every once in a while McCain reminds me why I used to like him.

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“Arya” was the fastest rising baby name for girls in 2012, thanks to the popularity of “Game of Thrones.” And 40-50 years from now women will curse their parents because everyone will know exactly how old they are.

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After watching last night’s Golden State-San Antonio game even the #Lakers said the #Spurs looked old.

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Detroit DT Nick Fairley says that in 2013 the Lions are going to the Super Bowl. Even Cubs fans think he’s delusional.

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Maxim’s hot-100 list for 2013 includes at #69 – Lennay Kekua – Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend. Well, I guess having a fake girlfriend means never having to say “Yes, dear.”

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San Francisco is getting its first Applebee’s. Down on Fisherman’s Wharf near Bubba Gump’s and Rainforest Cafe. So even more tourists can go home and say the food out here is “nothing special.”

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In a poll of the 100 most-trusted Americans, Jimmy Carter, 88, is the highest on the list at #24.   Maybe because of the good works he has done since leaving the Presidency. Or maybe because most people think he’s too old to remember how to lie.

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No one should feel sorry for a team that has won 2 World Series titles in 3 years. But as the SF Giants’ Ryan Vogelsong saw his ERA go up tonight to 7.78, the starting pitcher they traded to “rent” Carlos Beltran in 2011, Zach Wheeler, is close to a call up with the NY Mets. (This post is for my otherwise unhappy Dodger fan friends, enjoy. :-))

We’re only at most, halfway through the second round of the NBA playoffs, and ZERO games Thursday night. Guess the league doesn’t want to do anything that would provide fans anything less than a two month postseason.

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Ah justice. An Arizona court will delay the decision on whether or not convicted killer Jodi Arias should be put to death because she is currently on “suicide watch.”

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Not PC, but the more we hear about the Cleveland rape-kidnap suspect, the more I think, is there any more room in that grave they found for the Boston bomber? And no need to kill him first.

(Of course, while we’re being un-PC, and on the subject of his potential “suicide watch,”  my sense is regarding this monster is that a lot of Americans would pay to watch..)

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From TC  “According to Forbes.com, Tim Tebow is the most influential athlete on sports fans for 2013. He beat out the likes of swimmer Michael Phelps and Yankees Derek Jeter. Obviously, no coaches, GMs or owners have ever visited Forbes.com”

 

Sweeping into Monday

May 6, 2013

The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.

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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….

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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.

((for the uninitiated, the SF Giants’ “Panda” will swing at anything, and can hit anything. Even if it just about bounces. Better it seems at balls out of the strike zone than strikes.)

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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?

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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.

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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.

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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.

Poped out.

March 13, 2013

Bummer. They chose a new Pope today and America didn’t even have a chance to hear the top ten sing.

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The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken  immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the “Room of Tears,”   Wonder if they piped in the music “Don’t cry for me, Argentina?

 

So the papal conclave in Rome is over   – they sent out white smoke.

Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington – they’re still blowing smoke.

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V.P. Joe Biden, a Catholic to serve as vice president, will lead the U.S. delegation to next week’s formal installation of the new Pope.   Will they send up white smoke when Biden’s speech is over?

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The “Catholic 7″ said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke?

(Michael Duca reminds us that “White smoke can’t jump.”)

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Miley Cyrus, who’s been attempting a comeback, now apparently has split with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth. Maybe Miley can talk to Taylor Swift for tips on writing a song about it..

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Kobe Bryant has sprained his ankle and is out indefinitely. Can’t wait to hear Dwight Howard tell him to play through the pain.

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A corgi in Helen Mirren’s London play “The Audience” about Queen Elizabeth II has been fired for not obeying commands. While the dog was supposed to be playing the Queen’s pet, clearly she saw herself more in the role of a cat.

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Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed.

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The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don’t think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot?

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Sen. Ted Cruz says he is willing to risk a govt shutdown if Obamacare is not defunded. Leaving the Supreme Court decision and the 2012 election out of it, if Cruz cares so much about the budget why doesn’t he personally step up and volunteer to defund Congressional healthcare?

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Am I the only one who doesn’t get it? So Michael Vick has to cancel his book tour because of outrage, and Ray Lewis just signed a contract with ESPN…..

Job Creation?

March 9, 2013

Mitt Romney is returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm. Well, does President Obama get credit for creating at least this one job?

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The cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope.   The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church’s idea of a youth movement?

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The answer to “Have you no shame?” is sometimes “Yes.”: After President Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act.”. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, “Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law.” Now Cornyn’s Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act WAS rolled into the VAWA bill. Except Cornyn voted AGAINST it.

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A news report yesterday on Venezuelans filing past to pay their respects to Hugo Chavez said the leader looked “pale and gaunt.” Gosh, so this cancer thing could be serious.

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In talking about all the Yankees injuries, Derek Jeter said “it’s as if someone had voodoo dolls or something.” And in Boston they’re thinking “Who snitched?”

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From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about “my plan for comprehensive reform.” : “Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately.” The author? Rand Paul.

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An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles.

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Hooters is apparently trying to attract women customers by upgrading their food. Here’s another idea, add good looking scantily-clad MALE waiters.

New Math?  Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a “Safeway Select” package of appetizers, it says “Serving size – 5, Servings per container – About 2.” Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container – 8.

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The U.K. Daily Mail reports that that in Montana, Gregory C. Rodriguez, the television host of “Rifleman’s Journal” and editor of “Shooting Times Magazine,” was allegedly shot dead by the husband of woman he was visiting…. Gosh, if Rodriguez only had a gun to defend himself.

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So the same week Joy Behar announced she was leaving “the View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck was fired. Women are thinking, “Wow, wonder what happened.” Men are thinking “Who are these women and what view are we talking about?”

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From T.C.  “

Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne.

Snow place like home.

December 22, 2012

The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.

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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013″ Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”

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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.

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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Wow.  The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.

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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.

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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?

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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy.  Or just plain old union thugs?

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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?

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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….

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Great, so today Facebook was asking today  “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?”    Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?

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