Posted tagged ‘college football jokes’

All Ducked Up?

November 23, 2013

Well, those two Oregon players who were quoted as saying they didn’t want to go to the Rose Bowl again got their wish.

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Congrats to ASU on winning the Pac 12 South. All the Sun Devils have to do to host the Pac 12 Championship game is beat Arizona. Of course that’s the Oregon Ducks had to do too….

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Michigan State beats Northwestern to clinch the “Legends” division. Why do I think Woody and Bo wouldn’t be caught dead taking about “Legends” or “Leaders?”

 

The Gators lost in Gainesville to…. Georgia Southern? This is the most embarassing thing to happen in Florida since at least Wednesday.

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MLB’s security director is recommending that teams install metal detectors at each gate in 2014. I see a boom year for makers of plastic flasks.

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Dallas Cowboys have missed the playoffs for the last three seasons. And Owner/GM Jerry Jones said he’s been doing some of his best work in years. The rest of the NFC East would certainly agree with him.

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USC interim coach Ed Orgeron just got a vote of confidence from …Lane Kiffin. Just when things were going so well.

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The state attorney investigating possible sexual assault charges against FSU QB Jameis Winston says his office may not make a decision on whether to file charges until next week or later. How much later? After the Heisman announcement or BCS games?

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Johnny Manziel said he will announce his NFL decision before Texas A & M’s bowl game. “Wonder what he will decide?” said absolutely no one.

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Just to prove that putting stupid things in emails is not confined to one gender, a female Army colonel stepped down from leading a gender study after she wrote that only “average-looking women” should be used in Army materials used to attract women for combat roles.

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A reminder about flying U.S. airlines. It could be worse. A Pakistan Airlines pilot was jailed today for 9 months in Britain for being over the limit – too drunk even to drive a car – before he was about to fly to Islamabad. His defense, in Pakistan there is only a 12 hour “bottle to throttle” rule, and he had finished drinking 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey before that..

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There is talk of legalizing cell-phone use on planes. This could be a two-fer for airline profits: One fee for using your phone in the air. Another fee for sitting in a cell-phone free zone.

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A-Rod’s statement about his grievance hearing with MLB over his 211-game suspension. “We crushed it They had nothing.” Sounds like the same sense of reality Rodriguez had about facing postseason pitching.

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Class, nothing but class. Victoria and David Beckham caused lines to form outside a British Red Cross shop when they donated clothes to help typhoon victims in the Philippines. And now Kim Kardashian put some of her clothes on eBay for the same cause. Except she is keeping 90% of the profits for herself.

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It’s beginning in SF, the finger pointing over the 49ers somewhat underwhelming season, and some including Steve Young are putting blame on Colin Kaepernick. You’ve got to think it takes some work for Alex Smith to keep a little smile off his face.

 

A deal has been reached to halt Iran’s nuclear program. I blame Obama.

Falling leaves, falling rankings.

October 20, 2013

Five ranked SEC teams lost yesterday. No punchline. I just like writing that.

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The Washington Redskins actually won. I blame Obama.

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Ted Cruz is now blaming Senate Republicans for the “lousy deal” to reopen the government. Other Senate Republicans are blaming voters in Texas.

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Perhaps Shakespeare anticipated the BCS? As almost two months before bowls are actually decided, the first BCS standings are out – “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

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An alligator wandered right outside a Walmart in Apopka, Florida last night, but returned to its nearby lake without incident. But the 6-foot creature now holds the title of the scariest thing seen at that Walmart, well not wearing curlers and short shorts….

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Oregon beat WSU 62 to 38, but defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti was furious at Washington State coach Mike Leach, whose team racked up 559 yards. “That’s total bullshit that he threw the ball at the end of the game like he did I think it’s low class and it’s bullshit to throw the ball when the game is completely over against our kids that are basically our scout team.” How dare they indeed… why the Cougars even managed to cover the spread….

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Stanford fans just watched a #Colts drive where #AndrewLuck showed how he WOULD have won the Fiesta Bowl. #Notbitter

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Even for those of us whose team’s are not in the World Series, one thing to smile about – after this year Tim McCarver is retiring!

Maria Belen Chapur, Mark Sanford’s reason for “hiking the Appalachian trail” and now his fiancee, complained to a reporter that “Everybody has a fantasy that governors or lawmakers make a lot of money. ‘I’m going to take away that fantasy because a governor in the United States makes $108,000 per year … it’s not even enough to pay for private school for his children.” Oh the horror. (Btw, as a Congressman, Sanford now makes $174,000 a year. per capita income in South Carolina, $33,000.)

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New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick isn’t happy with the controversial rule interpretation that led to the NY Jets’ game winning field goal today. And longtime Oakland Raiders fans are just giggling.

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Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the #KCchiefs?

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If only strength of schedule helped for playoff seeding. #AndrewLuck and #Colts have beaten 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos.

The playing’s the thing.

October 6, 2013

Navy beat Air Force in a game played Saturday despite the government shutdown. Now, if somehow due to security issues ALL football games were cancelled during the shutdown, this thing would be over by 1p Sunday – the time of the first NFL kickoffs.

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During all these college football games, universities like to run commercials touting their academics complete with lots of pictures. A shame players probably don’t see the ads, many of them would enjoy seeing what the classrooms look like.

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Listening to some of these members of Congress who say they NEED their paychecks: If you can’t live on $174,000 a year with a little cushion for emergencies how dare you say you know how to manage taxpayer money?

 

Oops, regulators had to halt trading in Tweeter Home Entertainment Group after their shares surged 2,200%, to 15 cents. Tweeter went out of business in 2007, but their symbol TWTRQ, is one letter shorter than Twitter’s TWTR, which will IPO in November. Right, if we privatize social security what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

 

Obama said that if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, and he knew the name was “offending a sizable group of people,” then he would “think about changing it.’ Now, if the President did suddenly own the Redskins, he’d start with some real bipartisan goodwill, as the current owner offends nearly everyone. #DanSnydersucks

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Alabama 45, Georgia State 3.    But the Crimson Tide didn’t cover the 55 point spread yet. Once again, showing that the official food of the SEC should be the cupcake.

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Headline about the driver shot and killed outside the Capitol last week “Police say woman deluded about Obama.” Uh, doesn’t that describe most Fox News viewers?

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Getting the sense that John Boehner has backed himself into a round room and is looking to hide in a safe corner. #Shutdown

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The House is apparently behind a resolution to give back pay to furloughed government employees for the time they end up not working. Are they trying to turn them all into honorary members of Congress?

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked why 2/3 of the uninsured in Texas have jobs — but no health care. “Again, it goes back to the choice that people get to make. Would you rather have a job, or would you rather be on public assistance? It’s as simple as that.” I guess it’s also a simple choice not to get sick?

 

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Stanford out-gained by 200 yards tonight but hung on to win 31-28. No first downs in the fourth quarter… This time Cardinal fans were glad all the East Coast viewers had gone to bed.

 

 

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday afternoon. Scary thing is, somebody has to win.

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NFC East is so weak, I think one more Giants’ loss and they clinch a first round bye.

Going, going, not quite gone…

August 28, 2013

The NCAA has decided to suspend Johnny Manziel for the FIRST HALF of Texas A & M’s season opener Saturday against Rice. Wow. Against Rice Manziel’s got to be figuring he should have asked for more money and gotten suspended the whole game.

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There’s already criticism of today’s “semi-suspension” of Johnny Manziel. But in the NCAA’s defense, they say if Johnny misbehaves again they’re going to slap his other hand REALLY hard.

 

After today’s Manziel decision, the NCAA would like to disabuse anyone of the notion that they would let a star player get away with actual murder. Any player linked to such a serious crime would absolutely be disciplined, the day after his bowl game.

 

Florida LB Antonio Morrison, who was arrested twice this summer, just had his two game suspension reduced to one game by coach Will Muschamp. So he’ll miss the Gators’ opening game against Buffalo, but will be back Sept. 7 against Miami. And of course the fact that the Hurricanes have been ranked barely out of the preseason top 25 had nothing to do with this decision….
 
-Ah Florida, protecting us from the truly dangerous people? George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie pled guilty to perjury for lying about the donations they had received before his trial. She was placed on probation for a year, and as a condition “cannot possess, carry or own a firearm and must get permission to own any other type of weapon.”

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Don Mattingly benched Yasiel Puig in the fifth today for apparent disciplinary reasons. How long until L.A. Dodgers fans start muttering about “Puig being Puigy..”

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Montana judge G. Todd Baugh judge sentenced a 54-year-old ex-teacher to 30 days in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl in 2008. (The girl committed suicide in 2010.) Baugh said that the girl was “as much in control of the situation” as the teacher was, and “older than her chronological age.” What was this judge thinking, that he wants to run for Congress in Missouri?

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John Boehner has apparently sent Obama letter requesting that he make a case before acting on Syria. Wonder if the President thought of sending a reply to the Speaker, “How about you have the House make a case the next time they vote to repeal Obamacare?”

 

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While taping his TV show 700 Club yesterday, Pat Robertson said that some gay men with HIV or AIDS wear special rings designed to purposely infect others. “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there, they want to get people, so if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger” Beginning to think Robertson is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

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Across America, millions of American men have only one question: Is it too soon to hit on Catherine Zeta-Jones?

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Justin Timberlake is defending Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance: “It’s not like she did it at the Grammys”‘ And half a dozen young stars plus Madonna just got a new idea for next year’s Grammys…..

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft said yesterday he is “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the 53-man roster, but said it’s the coach’s decision. Wonder if Bill Belichick is just wishing Vladimir Putin would steal Tebow for a Russian team.

No place like home?

December 10, 2012

Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.

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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.

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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?

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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?

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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”

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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.

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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.

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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?”   Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”

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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?

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From T.C.   “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! “

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Trivia question for the day:

Which are  the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?

Answer ( none of them from the SEC) :   Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.

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Winning bet?

December 2, 2012

Okay, going out on a limb here and willing to bet that a team wearing white and red will win the Rose Bowl.

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Before any Stanford fans freak out about the 70 points Wisconsin put up against Nebraska, two reality checks: 1. The Badgers have FIVE losses. 2. One of these losses was 10-7 against Oregon State.

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One thought going through the head of any long-time Stanford fan watching the Big Ten championship – “Thank God Ron Dayne has graduated.”

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A little perspective, please? SF Chronicle story about SF 49ers QB Alex Smith is headlined “Playing well and then a cruel twist of fate.” Uh, I have no doubt Smith is disappointed to be demoted, but he’s young, healthy and making $5 million this year – Life could be a lot worse.

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So now that we are learning that on any given Saturday any SEC team can beat another, it’s a shame we don’t really know how they match up with Pac 12 teams… Gosh, if only there was a way to compare them on the field.

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Oregon State played Nicholls State, from Thibodaux, LA, today in a “home opener” rescheduled from Sept 1. due to Hurricane Isaac. The Beavers won 77-3. Wonder if Nicholls State can re-apply for disaster relief.

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A new dating site, Meetattheairport.com, is designed for travelers to meet while they are waiting for their flights. Let’s hope the major airlines don’t get wind of this…they may start charging more for delays as potential extra mingling time.

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So what exactly does it take to get national respect? Announcers on CBS Sports just talked about how UCLA outplayed Stanford yesterday but won’t go to the Rose Bowl because they lost the game….. (really.)

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Finally some good news in the court of public opinion for Lindsay Lohan? Tiffany Williams, the woman she allegedly punched in Manhattan, has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer.

Duck, duck, goosed. Or at least Cardinaled.

November 18, 2012

 

 

Caption contest for the above?

 

Maybe they were expecting an Oregon-Kansas State BCS championship game?

 

 

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Forget Duck A L’Orange. How about Duck A L’Cardinal? Go Stanford.

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Apparently Duck hunting season started early this year in Eugene.

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Stanford is one quarterback substitution earlier in the year (and maybe one change of placekicker) to being in the discussion for the BCS championship.

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Florida Gov. Rick Scott said in a speech to conservatives this week that “the election is over. Get over it.” And of course his state should be done counting ballots any week now.

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A Northern Arizona gun shop owner has the following sign in his window: “If you voted for Barack Obama your business is not welcome. You have proven you are not responsible enough to own a firearm.” Wait a minute. Isn’t that gun control?

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Maryland and Rutgers are in talks to become the 13th and 14th members of the Big Ten. And we wonder why football players are bad at math.

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At the “Books Inc” bookstore,  copies of “Anna Karenina” with photo of Keira Knightly on cover are on the front display. Wonder how many of the younger generation are thinking “Wow, they wrote that fast to go with the movie opening.”

 

So after Alabama’s loss to Texas A & M, the Crimson Tide followed up this weekend with the powerhouse opponent Western Carolina. Can’t imagine how SEC teams get the reputation of playing out-of-conference cupcakes.

 

 

 

“I am pro-life, but because life is complicated, that choice is between a woman and her idea of a higher power. I believe if Roe vs. Wade were repealed, abortion would still go on. I care more about my economy, national security, and fiscal conservatism than I do about what women do with their bodies. It’s not my place, and I don’t believe it’s the government’s place, to make such decisions.” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain in 2008. This quote is from Meghan.

Election eve.

November 5, 2012

Just think, in two more days none of us will be receiving countless emailed solicitations for political donations. Those emails will be replaced by countless solicitations for Christmas shopping.

 

 

Actually, if we really want to increase voter turnout and stimulate the economy, maybe what stores should do is offer a discount to anyone this week who can provide proof of voting?

 

Just two more days, and all the U.S. undecided voters can go back to annoying the rest of us over more difficult decisions like “Paper vs. Plastic?”

 

One of these years Republicans will try to win an election by fielding a good enough candidate to make them WANT to allow as many people to vote as possible.

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Karl Rove is already blaming Hurricane Sandy for a potential Romney loss? If so, would that give further credence to those who have been saying for a while “God is coming, and boy is She pissed?”

 

New BCS standings are out, and five of the top eight teams are from the SEC. How did those other three get in there?

 

 

Washington, D.C. is hoping to return to some semblance of normalcy after the election. The Redskins, alas, are already there.

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Stanford changed quarterbacks Saturday and shut out Colorado 48-0. And many NY Jets fans are shouting “Did you see that, Rex Ryan?!”

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Kevin Hogan reminded Stanford football fans Saturday of what it was like to play with a little bit of Luck.

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Got to love polls – sports version. Stanford, #15 with the AP college football rankings – beat Colorado 48 to ZERO. And was dropped to #16.

 

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Another Saturday score, Oregon 62, USC 51.   How did it miss my attention that the NIT men’s basketball tournament must have started this weekend?

 

Sarah Palin’s SARAH PAC donated $5,000 to Mitt Romney’s campaign…on the last day of October. So until then was she an undecided voter too?

 

Andrew Luck set a new single game rookie passing record today with 433 yards. Maybe Kevin Hogan got him fired up too?

 

 

Chris Christie, facing criticism for his perceived support of Obama this week said he is voting for Romney, but “If the president of United States comes here and he’s willing to help my people and he does it then I’m gonna say nice things about him because he’s earned it.” Heresy!

(Charlie Crist was drummed out of the GOP for less.)

 

 

Better to be lucky than good?

October 10, 2012

The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason.  And their batting average tonight went DOWN.  (3 for 32.)  And they didn’t have a hit with a runner in scoring position.  And they won 2-1.

Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching (and bad opposition fielding) bails out awful hitting.

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This is the weirdest survival story with no hits since Taylor Hicks.

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Normally when a team wins with as little offense as the SF Giants displayed tonight, penalty kicks are involved.

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Heck,  President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason.

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Maybe not exactly the headline they were hoping for. Stacey Dash has come out supporting the GOP Presidential ticket. And the headline reads “Clueless star supporting Romney.”‘

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A dance instructor has been arrested and charged with running a prostitution business out of her studio in Kennebuckport, Maine, where the Bush family has their summer compound. Can we call it a “trickle-down/economic stimulus?”

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A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg.  If he doesn’t make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver?

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Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky’s 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn’t start 30 years earlier.

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According to a L.A. Daily News columnist, when USC WR Robert Wood took a shot to the head last week, he had to answer 3 questions before returning: 1. Who is the current president? 2. What is today’s date? 3. What is 100 minus seven, minus seven, minus seven? Wow, those questions could bench half the players in the SEC.

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Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “kids, make up your minds.”

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Fully expect numbers to bounce all over the place between now and November 6. But really, all this hype over people who have enough time on their hands that they don’t hang up on pollsters?

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Now the political hype switches to the V.P.  debate. Where a win is so critically important. Just ask Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.

Hidden gem?

October 7, 2012

Oakland A’s vs. Detroit Tigers Sunday morning, playing a noon game, are ONLY on MLB Network. Part of Bud Selig’s plan to make sure football stays our real national pastime?

(No doubt hardcore baseball fans should be able to find some free station showing Yankees highlights.)

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Bad weekend for the tomahawk chop. “Bummer,” said no one outside Atlanta and Tallahassee.

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Bummer for the BCS. Going to be tougher than they expected to schedule that Alabama LSU rematch for the National Championship this year.

 

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The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson have broken off their engagement. “Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” said absolutely nobody.

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Several Sandusky jurors were interviewed and said the former Penn State assistant coach should receive a life sentence. The others presumably just wish the death penalty were available.

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“The Price is Right” has signed their first male model. “About time” said millions of women. “What the heck is the ‘Price is Right’?” said millions of men.

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Weird baseball trivia for Saturday night. The Cincinnati Reds made it through 2012 without a starting pitcher being injured – and Johnny Cueto didn’t make it out of the first.

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A suspicious package sent to Bristol Palin at CBS Studios caused some consternation on the DWTS set. Wonder what was so suspicious about it. Did someone send her a book?

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More bad news for Mitt Romney. Sesame Street’s “The Count” called. He wants to see those budget figures.

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The SF Giants had Alex Smith throwing out the first pitch for the first game of the playoffs. Maybe it’s as well that the Os eliminated the Rangers. With Romo throwing someone could get hurt.

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Jim Lehrer says he was a “effective” debate moderator last Wednesday night.. By that standard Tony Romo was an “effective” quarterback last Monday night.

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As the infield fly umpiring debacle from last night’s Cardinals-Braves game remains front page sports news – the happiest person in America has got to be Roger Goodell.

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This just in – Mitt Romney both agrees and disagrees with last night’s infield fly call.

Cattiness?

September 10, 2012

USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.

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Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.

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Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?

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Question of the day.  Is RG3 that good?  Or is the Saints defense that bad?

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Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.

(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored -  Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)

 

Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press”  that  he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed.  Wow.  I  could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.

 

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The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.

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Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.

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Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.

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So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?

Are we ready for some football?

September 8, 2012

Oregon State beats #13 Wisconsin 10-7. Is it too late to take back that bump in the polls Alabama got for crushing Michigan?

 

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Scary thought of the day: Barry Goldwater would be too liberal for today’s Republican party.

 

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Although the league now has teams in four different time zones, the Big East will keep its name due to “brand equity.” Makes at least as much sense as politicians on their second and third wives defending marriage.

 

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The Nationals shut down Stephen Strasburg a start early, with Davey Johnson saying “I feel it’s as hard for him as it would be anybody to get mentally, totally committed in the ballgame.” Uh, by that standard, shouldn’t we also shut down the Red Sox?

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Good news for anyone tired of this Presidential election. It’s less than two months until November 7. When the 2016 campaign starts.

 

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Vladimir Putin, in a recent interview touching on the “Pussy Riot” situation, commented that “Some fans of group sex say that it’s better than one-on-one because, as with any collective work, you can skive off.” In related news, Bill Clinton just asked President Obama about being named ambassador to Russia.

 

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Tim Tebow is dismissing Santonio Holmes’ comment about Mark Sanchez being “rattled” by the Jets trade for Tebow. Right. Like Hillary wouldn’t mind hearing now that Bill wanted to hire more interns.

 

On Friday, Mitt Romney was  already criticizing President Obama’s speech, though he admits not watching it. Can’t imagine how some people think Mitt acts like an expert on things he knows nothing about.

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Really? A Maryland legislator and pastor, Emmett C. Burns Jr, is attacking Ravens LB Brendon Ayanbadejo for supporting gay marriage – “appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion.” Uh, where were his complaints on Tim Tebow?

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Baltimore and New York are now tied for first place in the AL East. Undaunted, the Yankees are reportedly making plans to buy the Orioles.

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Five players from DeMatha Catholic High School in Hyattsville, Md have apparently been dismissed for hiring prostitutes during a recent road trip. What, no teachers were available?

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Mitt Romney’s campaign announced they have purchased $4.5 million in new television advertising in swing states. By the time this election is over, swing state viewers will look forward longingly to used car and Viagra ads again.

Marathon man.

September 5, 2012

The Orioles are tied for first place with in ESPN’s words “the fading Yankees.” “Fading Yankees?” In a time of political discord could we come up with two words that get more bipartisan support?

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This just in  – Bud Selig announces  plans to expand playoffs further this year. How far?   Just enough so that the Yankees are in the post-season.   (Even Bud has given up on the Red Sox.)

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President Obama said he and the First Lady didn’t go out “schmoozing” much in the evening because they wanted to be home with their daughters. Although in a second term, BOTH girls hit the teenage years – Barack and Michelle may be out every night.

 

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Toughest job of the week at the Democratic convention – Joe Biden, trying to edit his speech down under Paul Ryan’s 2 hour 50 minute marathon time.

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Michelle Obama  painted a great portrait of Barack as a husband and father tonight, as Ann Romney did with Mitt. But really, most Americans would take Darth Vader if he could fix the economy and healthcare.

 

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Paul Ryan now says he did not suggest President Obama was responsible for the GM plant closing before he took office. In Ryan’s defense, it’s easy to get tired and confused when you’re doing that Olympic marathon training.

 

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Amazed the GOP last week didn’t try to recast Neil Armstrong’s first words stepping out of the Lunar Module on the moon as “I built this.”

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Hank Williams Jr, declared again at a concert that “We’ve got a Muslim president.” Adding that Obama “hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!” Sigh. Proving again that people can change their religion, but being an a**hole is forever.

(Just wondering, what would Fox News do if some liberal gal singer accused Romney of being anti-Christian and said “we hate him?)

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This season USC opened at #1 in college football polls. A ranking that lasted one week until Alabama crushed Michigan. SEC fans are leaning back and thinking “Well, glad that little affirmation action  charade is over.”-

 

“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu, dismissed from the football team has nonetheless enrolled for classes at LSU this fall. Les Miles refuses to speculate on Matieu’s return to the field. I mean, this is all pretty shocking… a once and potentially future LSU football player going to classes?

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Love this Washington Post comment passed on by a friend from “Wheat Farmer.” : “Paul Ryan ran a sub 3 hour marathon?? He must be Kenyan. Check his birth certificate.”

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Regarding the Nationals’ decision to shut down Stephen Strasburg because they are looking to the future and what’s one year? Right, like when the Cubs lost the 1910 World Series, and their fans thought, well, heck, we won in 1908, we’ll be back….

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Apparently many people have been retweeting the news today of Bob Denver’s death. Wonder how long it will take them to add that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Chair man of the bored.

September 2, 2012

A last thought for the week on the GOP convention. Clint Eastwood’s empty chair got more airtime than Ron Paul.

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Any truth to the rumor that Clint Eastwood was briefly detained on his return flight from Tampa for suspiciously talking to his airline seat?

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Unfortunate choice of words from a Penn State fullback about Saturday’s game: We “know the power football has to bring people together.”

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From Alex Kaseberg:  “New Nike LeBron James shoes cost $300 and come with a built-in IQ test. If you paid $300 for these shoes, you failed.”

(got to wonder, does putting on the shoes give you a sudden desire to move to South Beach?)

 

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USC is being investigated again, this time for two athletes receiving gifts like cars and cars in 2009. Well, hey, with Barkley they may win the national championship and then who cares if the Trojans end up back on probation?

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Well, for all those folks who hated the LSU-Alabama game, I think it’s safe to say that we won’t have another Michigan-Alabama rematch in this year’s BCS championship.

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Mitt Romney said this weekend that Obama wants to cut a trillion dollars out of the military budget, but that he and Paul Ryan wouldn’t cut it at all.  Guess it’s all part of Mitt’s secret plan to reduce the deficit?

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Mitt Romney making sports analogies about firing President Obama as a losing coach. Anyone but me want to hear someone – on camera – ask Romney who his favorite teams are?

Could be another ESPN special.  “The Indecision.”

 

 

 

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Dwight Howard just took out an ad in the Orlando Sentinel saying “Words cannot express the love that I have for Orlando.” Most Magic fans could help him with a few words. A few of the printable ones are in “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

 

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Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, died today. The two most common responses in the U.S. – “He was still alive?” And for the younger generation – “Who the heck was Reverend Moon?”

 

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Paul Ryan, who said last week he ran a “two hour and fifty-something” marathon, now admits his time for his one and only marathon was over 4 hours. Gosh, and who would have expected Ryan to stretch the truth?

 

(Wonder if people first got suspicious when Ryan claimed his running buddy was Chris Christie?)

 

 

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A 20 year old fan fell to his death from the upper level of the Georgia Dome, following a 25 year old’s death in Reliant Stadium from trying to slide down a 5th floor elevator escalator. Darwinists and lawyers must be very happy.

To every thing, there is a season.

August 21, 2012

For the second year in a row, Wisconsin will start a QB who graduated from his previous school, but had eligibility left so transferred for grad school to keep playing. Wonder if the Badgers tried to recruit Andrew Luck too?

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Of course,  all these graduate transfers of older players are certainly, per NCAA rules, for academic reasons.   Right.   And for readers who believe that, Melky Cabrera has a website he’d like to show you.

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Here’s what I don’t get. Todd Akins said he “misspoke.” “Misspeaking” to my mind is Obama saying he campaigned in all 57 states, or Romney introducing Ryan as the next President of the United States. Saying something you believe is only a mistake when it blows up in your face.

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When Todd Akins said he “understood from doctors” that pregnancy from “legitimate rape” was rare, is it just possible he took that “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night” commercial a little too literally?”

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Anyone else beginning to wonder if Todd Akins was “shut down” by more than a few women he wanted to date?

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You can’t make this “stuff” up post of the day. Todd Akin, he of the women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape” quote, sits on the House Science Committee.

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All these investors bemoaning buying Facebook stock. It could be worse. They could have invested in a business selling SF Giants “Got Melk” shirts.

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Todd Akin is vowing to stay in the Missouri Senate race. And privately a lot of people are hoping he does. Those people are called “Democrats.”

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Marketing fail of the day: A snail mail letter addressed to me personally from the Mitt Romney campaign – “I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.”

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The Boston Red Sox, 11th in the AL in ERA, have fired pitching coach, Bob McClure. Maybe they need to bring back the beer and fried chicken.

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Scott McKenzie, who sang the 1960s anthem “San Francisco”, has died at the age of 73. Funeral attendees will no doubt be asked to “Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair.”

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The Western Athletic Conference apparently will drop football after the upcoming 2012 season. This is shocking – there are still football-playing schools left in the WAC?

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Philadelphia WR DeSean Jackson told ESPN that he didn’t give a full effort in 2011 because he didn’t want to get injured before signing a new contract. Well, that should make all those people who paid full price for Eagles tickets last year feel warm and special.

The Blame Game.

August 19, 2012

Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.

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Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.

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IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.

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Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.

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A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark,  after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.

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From Marc Ragovin:   Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages.  Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.

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The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)

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Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?

 

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A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”

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18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.

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Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out,  radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”

ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings.  Especially with the all important younger male demographic.

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Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions.  Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.

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Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.

Crimes and misdemeanors.

August 17, 2012

UNC has admitted that an internal probe found that over 54 classes, which were compused of more of half athletes, were either ” aberrant” or “irregularly” taught from 2007-2011.  Wonder if the Tarheels’  defense will be that they were hoping to apply for membership in the SEC.

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Dismissed LSU star Tryann Mathieu is now apparently in rehab. Well, if this football stuff doesn’t work out he has a potential real future in politics.

 

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This season, the NFL will require any fans who get ejected for bad behavior to take a 4-hour online course before they are allowed back into the stadiums again. 4 hours? Sounds like about as much time as many NFL players spent on their courses in college.

 

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Rudy Guiliani said that Joe Biden “has become a laugh line on late night television.” Interesting quote from a guy who is no longer relevant enough to be a “laugh line” on late night television.

 

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Here’s more of the quote from Rudy:   ““But I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. … There’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it.  I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. People think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually, he’s just not very smart.”

Amazing,  might be the longest statement Rudy’s ever made without mentioning 9/11.

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Apparently customs in Los Angeles seized a $18 million (!!) shipment of fake Louboutins from China. Just figured I’d post something that most of my men friends are as clueless about as SOME women say they are about the sports posts.

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Donald Trump, asked about Obama’s popularity with women said “Maybe (they) don’t know him. Maybe they don’t get what is going on.” Uh, really? On the other hand most women DO know that the Donald is an egotistical a**hole.

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A giant sculpture known as “Touchdown Jesus” near Cincinnati that burned to the ground in 2010 is being replaced by a new “Hug Me, Jesus.”. The new figure has arms outstretched rather than raised high. Guess they figured touchdowns in Bengals country were unrealistic.

Laura Townsend said the old one looked like it was surrendering… so maybe it referred to the Bengals and local police?

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Mitt Romney says he paid “at least 13% in taxes” for the last 10 years.  And why should Americans doubt anything a politician says?

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Jennifer Granholm,  forbidden ffrom ever running for President due to her being born in Vancouver,  with one of the more succinct statements on Mitt Romney and his taxes:  “I hate to get all Jerry Maguire on him but show me the money!”

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From my friend Gary Bachman:   Alex Rodriguez has listed his Miami home for $38 million. The home boasts nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 426 mirrors.

 

Just another sleazy Monday.

December 6, 2011

You know you might have a bad lawyer when…he lets you give interviews like this: “If I say, ‘No, I’m not attracted to young boys, that’s not the truth, Because I’m attracted to young people — boys, girls….” Jerry Sandusky – quoted in the New York Times.

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So USC’s Matt Barkley will not be invited to the Heisman ceremony, probably because his team is on probation for the misdeeds of Pete Carroll and Reggie Bush. But LSU’s Tryann Mathieu will be there, despite having been suspended earlier this year for the misdeeds of himself. Can’t understand how college football gets such a sleazy reputation….

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Cliff Harris, Oregon’s All-American Cornerback, was already suspended from the team (for the second time this year) when he apparently violated team rules and coach Chip Kelly dismissed him. Looks like Harris is well on his way to becoming a first round draft pick for the Bengals.

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The head of the FAA was arrested Saturday night for DUI. Guess his real ambition was to be a pilot?

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Robbers stole $1900 from a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse in Pasadena. Wow. That’s almost the receipts from three steak dinners.

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Newt Gingrich is lambasting Nancy Pelosi for her comments that that she knows “a lot” about the former speaker because of the year she spent investigating him. In fact, Newt sounds so upset, maybe he’s forgotten Pelosi isn’t one of his ex-wives.

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Dan Quayle is said to be planning an endorsement today. Wonder if the former V.P.’s statement will say he is endorsing “Mitt Romny”.

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Jon Huntsman today said that Donald Trump’s talks with other candidates are “pure BS.” Is the man bound and determined to get the votes of all the thinking GOP primary voters? All five or six of them?

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Apparently Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman won’t attend the debate moderated by Donald Trump. The Donald, insulted, referred to them as “joke candidates,” with “zero chance of getting elected.” Well, it takes a former one to know one.

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Many in the media are focused on the fact that Tim Tebow only completes about 40 percent of his passes. Well, that’s a much better percentage than Herman Cain.

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In Japan, a number of luxury sportscar drivers ended up in an 11 car pileup that smashed eight Ferraris, a Lamborghini and two Mercedes – over $1 million worth of automobiles. It was one of the most expensive wrecks of the year. Following perhaps only Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

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from T.C. “The Jacksonville Jags have been sold and rumored to be relocating to LA. A team in LA playing in the AFC South? Makes sense, KC is in the AFC West, StL in the NFC West and as another reader mentioned last week, Dallas plays in the NFC East. If Hawaii ever gets a team, they can be placed in the AFC East. Hawaii IS EAST of China.”

Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

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Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

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Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

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The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

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Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

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A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

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We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

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So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

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The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

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The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

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Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

Another one doesn’t bite the dust.

November 20, 2011

But numbers #2 and #4, and #5 and #7 sure did.

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Lee Corso’s “F*** it” comment today on College Game Day is going viral. In Corso’s defense he says was just previewing what BCS executives are saying to each other tonight looking at what’s left of their top 10.

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In Eugene, Oregon still had BCS title hopes alive until the last second, with a chance to tie USC and put the game into overtime, but their field goal attempt sailed wide left. Who do the Ducks think they are, Florida State?

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Ugly win in ugly weather for Stanford over Cal. But Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Oregon and Clemson would trade places with the Cardinal tonight.

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Meanwhile, Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named to the NCAA’s Academic All American first team. The response from most of the SEC “Academic? Is that like part of the Academy Awards or something?”

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Meanwhile Penn State beat Ohio State. Sad to think that a month ago this would have made fans of clean football programs happy.

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Old Navy goofed up earlier this year with “Lets go” football shirts (no hyphen). Now Victoria’s Secret came out with a “Hail to the Victors” shirt. Except that the shirt is green, and says “Go Spartans”…. (Don’t know if they’re more offended in Ann Arbor or Lansing.)

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If President Obama wants a big jump in his approval ratings maybe he should consider an executive order making the BCS unconstitutional. (The SEC is all red states anyway.)

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Meanwhile, happy belated birthday (Saturday) to V.P. Joe Biden. Hard to believe it was just a few short years ago that he was considered to be the politician most likely to embarrass himself by opening his mouth.

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Joe Paterno’s son Jay said Friday that while his world has turned “upside down” in the past two weeks, “We’ve got to make sure we keep focus on the victims of this whole tragedy.”

Uh, isn’t Jerry Sandusky saying there are no victims?

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Jon Huntsman appeared on SNL Saturday night, and was funny, self-deprecating, and articulate. On a night with Kermit the Frog and some Muppets on the show, Hunstman showed again why this Republican primary is calling for a rousing chorus of “One of these things is not like the other.”

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Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has “advised” in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can’t he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington?

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Mitt Romney said this weekend – “I’m not looking for the next step in my political career. I don’t have a political career.” Paraphrased, “I’m blaming everything I supposedly said and did in Massachusetts on my evil twin.”

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It’s shaping up to be a great Sunday for football fans in Indianapolis – the Colts have a bye week.

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Finally tonight’s “bus to hell” comment courtesy of T.C. “NCAA announces plans for the 1st annual Churchill Downs Horseplayers Bowl: Penn St vs Syracuse.”

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