Posted tagged ‘Clinton jokes’

Mr. Padre.

June 24, 2014

gwynn

The #SFGiants honored Tony Gwynn before their game today.  And even put his #19 up on their wall.  Classy move for a real class act ballplayer.

 

(Although after honoring the best #SDPadres hitter ever in  Tony Gwynn, the Giants made  1st time starting pitcher Despaigne look like Trevor Hoffman each and every inning. #unclearontheconcept)

 

 

-Tony Gwynn got 97.61% of the votes in becoming a first ballot Hall-of-Famer, appearing on 532 of 545 ballots.   So were the other 13 voters a**holes or just ignorant.

 

 

 

 

The Tampa Bay Rays invited a 17 year old girl to throw batting practice for them before today’s game. Good thing they weren’t playing an interleague game in SF. She might have shut out the ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

#TimDuncan has quietly exercised his $10.3 million option to stay with #SanAntonio. My dad is right on this one. The #Spurs are just too professional for the media. #nodrama.

Apparently a “scathing” report by the Office of Special Counsel found a “troubling pattern of deficient care at VA facilities nationwide.” Not good. But have to wonder, what kind of pattern would they find at a lot of U.S. HMO’s?

Apparently some men tagging sharks from a 35-ft boat off the NJ shore have a video of getting their chum bag stolen by a 16-ft shark. Wonder who was the first to say “we’re going to need a bigger chum bag.”

You can’t make this stuff up. Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran, 76, who is struggling to keep his seat by fighting off a younger challenger, now has Brett Favre campaigning for him.

Katy Perry offered she’ll write Hillary Clinton’s theme song if Hillary runs again for President in 2016. And Bill offered to spend some private time consulting with Katy while she works on it.

There is a theory that warm weather countries are at a big advantage in this #WorldCup because of the hot, humid conditions in Brazil. If true, then just how good is the Netherlands?

With all the finger pointing after yesterday’s last second Portugal comeback, did anyone notice if a “mission accomplished” banner was raised on the U.S. side?

 

The USA Portugal broadcast had 24.7 million viewers between ESPN and Univision, a new record for any soccer game in the US. To put this in perspective, it’s a little more than half the 45.7 million who watched the 2014 NFL draft.

 

3 goals in 10 minutes Monday for Mexico. Who took the ball out of the humidor? #WorldCup

Oh lordie. Now with Hillary Clinton’s awkward statements about her family’s wealth, Joe Biden said today he’s “the poorest man in Congress. Adding.”I don’t own a single stock or bond. … I have no savings accounts. The VP and his wife reported $407,009 in adjusted gross income in 2013. If Biden’s telling the truth it doesn’t say much for his ability to manage his own money, let alone taxpayer dollars..

A Louisiana man is recovering with 80 stitches in his hand after he and his friends were drunk and tried to move an alligator out of the road. And Darwin is thinking “missed it by that much.”

Ups and downs.

May 18, 2014

Michael Bloomberg said today he would run for President, except he doesn’t think he can win. Well, that never stopped a whole lot of other people.

The Giant Dipper roller coaster in Santa Cruz is now 90 years old. The ride is in great shape, except that it has started going around the track with its left blinker on.

There is a chance that California Chrome might not run in the Belmont if New York racing officials, known for being stricter than other states, do not allow him to wear his customary nasal strip, which helps with the colt’s breathing when he races. Even Roger Goodell might think that’s a ticky-tack ruling.

Of course, to be fair, hard to imagine Roger Goodell would have let California Chrome run with the label of “Dumb Ass Partners.”

So #PabloSandoval hits his first home run in over a month on the same day that #TimLincecum shaved his mustache. Coincidence? #SFGiants

 –

Karl Rove continues to insist that Hillary Clinton’s brain injury will keep her from running in 2016, saying it is “far more serious’” than many currently realize. Except if anyone knows that a working brain is not required for being President…

Miss Beazley, one of George W. and Laura Bush’s beloved Scottish Terriers, has passed away at the age of 9. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

North Korea is reporting that an apartment building in Pyongyang has collapsed in a “serious accident” that caused an unspecified number of casualties. Further details will follow as soon as they figure out a way to blame this on the U.S.

Miguel Tejada has signed a minor league deal with the Miami Marlins and will work out at the club’s spring training headquarters while he serves the last few weeks of a 105 game suspension for his third failed drug test. It’s all part of Bud Selig’s strict “three strikes and you’re almost out, maybe…” policy.

The U.S. government is trying to help farmers in Central America fight a coffee fungus that is especially deadly to Arabica coffee, a bean that makes up a lot of high-end coffee. It’s about the livelihoods of the farmers as well as the price of coffee. Although Starbucks is no doubt considering helping consumers with an installment plan.

 

 

There’s been another call for the resignation of the NH Police Chief who used the N word to refer to Obama. From that commie-pinko Mitt Romney. Is Mitt trying to get back to the days when people said he was too reasonable to be the GOP nominee for President?

Time passages.

May 8, 2014

NBC announced Wednesday morning they have extended their Olympics TV deal through 2032. What? They didn’t tape the announcement and show it in prime time?

 

Caleb Johnson on American Idol Wednesday did a great job on “Maybe I’m Amazed.” And wonder how many younger viewers are thinking “Cool. Isn’t that a hit from the guy who used to be with Wings?”

Charlie Crist said he left the GOP because it is now seen as “anti-women, anti-minority, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment,” and because leadership “went off a cliff.” Crist better watch it, he might be making way too much sense to be elected in Florida.

 

CNN is reporting that Sarah Palin says Hillary Clinton will likely reconsider her position on abortion rights now that her daughter is pregnant. And many Americans seeing another Sarah Palin story are thinking, “Can’t you go back to coverage of MH370?”

Bizarre factoid of the day. Most Americans probably don’t know the Prime Minister of Canada. But they know the Mayor of Toronto.

Johnny Manziel is saying that teams who pass on him in the draft will regret it. Even Richard Sherman is saying, “Dude, less is more.”

Target’s interim CEO John Mulligan “Our guests can shop with confidence at Target.” Wonder if he added under his breath “If they pay cash.”

Venture capitalist Tim Draper “When you work for your government, when your government forces you to do something, it’s slavery. We need to take it back.” Right, because if he didn’t live in California, instead of ending up a billionaire, Tim feels he might be a trillionaire by now?

 

Male whine of the day. .MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough,”This is not about Bill Clinton This is about the women who were eviscerating Monica Lewinsky, who for 18 years was quiet and, by the way, lived a life of shame and her entire existence reduced to a punchline,” Well, no one is claiming Bill is a saint. But it’s wrong to say that a 22 year old woman was capable of making her own bad choices?

Tim Lincecum is doing a great job of pitching to contact. Unfortunately the contact he is pitching to is the wall.  #SFGiants.

Hillary Clinton, when asked today if she is running for President in 2016. “I am somebody who really has to mull things over. Stay tuned. When I know, you’ll know.” Even Brett Favre is thinking “Jeez, lady, make up your mind.”

A dinosaur threw out the first pitch at today’s Padres game. Saw that headline and thought “But Jamie Moyer didn’t even play for San Diego.”

 

Stay classy. Former Dodgers’ manager Tommy Lasorda, a friend of Donald Sterling, said of V. Stiviano “I don’t wish that girl any bad luck, but I hope she gets hit with a car.” Hate to hear what Tommy hoped about any of the SF Giants when they won the World Series in recent years.

Not quite a Virgin flight…

May 7, 2014

A woman was detained and then released by Las Vegas police after she apparently got drunk on board a Virgin Atlantic flight from London and noisily joined the Mile High Club,with a man she had just met on board. The best part – she was traveling with her PARENTS. And you think some of your family vacations have been awkward.

 

 

The NFL Draft is coming Thursday. For the uninitiated, that means for a few days ESPN will be only slightly less fixated on the draft than CNN has been on MH370.

After a social media storm,  Eric LeGrand is again speaking at Rutgers’ commencement. “I’ll take ‘Damage Control’ for $1000, Alex.”

 

Apparently Toronto mayor Rob Ford may have disappeared on his way to rehab in Chicago. You actually kind of hope he’s hiking the Appalachian Trail

Golden State Warriors have fired coach Mark Jackson, saying they think “it’s time to move in a different direction.” Like back out of the playoffs?

SFGiants are getting about as much production out of Pablo Sandoval as they would if he were on the DL.

Many frustrated #SFGiants fans want Bruce Bochy to bat Pablo Sandoval 8th. Although there are others who disagree and think the Panda should bat 9th.

Anyone who needs a reason to root for the San Antonio Spurs, I give you coach Gregg Popovich. He’s been having WNBA star Becky Hammon, who wants to coach someday, attend practices. And Popovich says about a female NBA coach someday – “I don’t see why not. There shouldn’t be any limitations. It’s about talent and the ability to do things. It’s not about what your sex is or your race is or anything else

The Spurs were on a roll. Tonight looked like one of the most uneven matchups in San Antonio since the Alamo.

Would ANYONE who hadn’t watched the regular season and just turned in for the #NBAplayoffs have guessed the #IndianaPacers were a #1 seed?

Monica Lewinsky, in a Vanity Fair article: “I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.” More like she regrets a – getting caught, and b- not having that fifteen minutes of fame turn into something lucrative?

 

Just an open note to those in the GOP who want to use Monica Lewinsky’s book against Hillary. The American public knows Bill Clinton is a tomcat. We knew that when we elected him the first time. And we would have elected him a third time if possible. Yeah it makes for good punchlines but in the big picture nobody cares.So get over it. #puritans

 

From Marc Ragovin;  ” Willie Mays turned 83 on Tuesday. Of course he has now gone from “say hey” to “what did you say?””

 

Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Play ball, finally.

April 8, 2014

Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.

 

#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?

 

Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

How sweet it is?

February 7, 2014

One of the sweetest phrases in the English language today “Pitchers and catchers report.”

 

Rand Paul now says that any Democrat who has had a fundraiser with former President Clinton should return the $$ to protest his sexual behavior in the White House. While Paul is at it, why isn’t he demanding the resignation of say, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?

 

Clint Eastwood, 83, apparently saved the AT&T tournament director’s life last night in Pebble Beach by performing the Heimlich maneuver when the man was choking on a piece of cheese. So I guess to the question “Do you feel lucky, punk?” the answer was “Yes!”

From Bill Littlejohn:   “Clint Eastwood used the Heimlich maneuver to save the life of the choking Pebble Beach tournament director.Subsequently, they want Clint to stay close to tourney participant Peyton Manning”

 

Joe Biden on the Presidency “There’s no obvious reason for me why I think I should not run.” Uh, maybe that he wouldn’t win?

On the other hand, Joe Biden vs. Chris Christie in a debate?   A comedy writers dream.  And a guaranteed 3 second delay with the censors.

FSU coach Jimbo Fisher said QB Jameis Winston might play two more years in college, and Winston says he could be right. Of course, may depend on who has the #1 draft pick. #anyonebuttheraiders

 

So with the horror stories coming out of Sochi will “plausibly live” this year at the Olympics mean media people after several days with no working showers or drinking water?

Although back in the USA.  Have to love the written airline safety card in exit row seatbacks that says if you lack the ability to read the instructions you must identify yourself to a crew member to be reseated….

Knicks coach Mike Woodson “This year has been, for me, it’s been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint.” And fans are thinking, “What about from the standpoint of us poor fools who bought season tickets?”

 

So far the biggest mishap at the actual Sochi games has been an opening ceremony that was one ring short. “Tell us about it” said Broncos fans

 

Alex Rodriguez has dropped his lawsuit against MLB and will accept their ban. Maybe because even Perry Mason would have told A-Rod he had no chance.

Now the FAA is investigating Justin Bieber’s flight to the US over marijuana allegations. Maybe President Obama really should consider that deportation petition. Think of the U.S. taxpayer money it would save on law enforcement
 

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