Posted tagged ‘Clinton jokes’

Bad seeds?

March 16, 2015

The “Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.” award for the week goes to Yale. The University is upset because they feel they were snubbed for the NIT Tournament…..

Most bracket challenges don’t close until Wednesday night. After Tuesday and Wednesday’s “First Four games.”  What a downer for four of the eight play-in teams. Not only will they not be Cinderellas, they won’t even get those millions of temporary fans who picked them for their colors, mascots, etc…


SF 49ers LB Chris Borland, 24, said today he is retiring after his rookie year over concerns about the long-term effects of repetitive head trauma. Maybe the standard NFL concussion worries, but perhaps Borland also feels that being part of the 49ers will result in him repeatedly banging his head against the wall?

Former SF 49er Ray McDonald, who had charges dropped against him for assaulting his fiancee in August, is now apparently going to sue a woman who accused him of sexual assault in December. (His lawyer says security video says the sex, in a hot-tub was consensual.) Just thinking, whether or not McDonald is guilty of any type of assault, he does seem to be guilty of stupidity. ‪#‎keepitzipped‬


Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills said in an interview “When I go down the street, I get kids coming up to me… half of them don’t even know who he (McCartney) is. That’s why he has to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember.” Hmm, wonder if “kids” come up to Heather, 47, on the street because they think she’s working on it?

He thought the mattress would stand its ground? A Florida man was killed when he tried to ride in the back of a pickup truck while sitting on an unsecured mattress and was flung onto the ground. Police reported that “an autopsy is being conducted to determine his cause of death.” How about terminal stupidity?

ESPN’s Adam Schefter just reported that QB Tim Tebow worked out today for Chip Kelly and the Eagles. ‘Oh please, oh please” said every comedy writer in America.

SI is reporting that Jameis Winston will stay home with family and friends and will not attend the NFL draft in Chicago. Did they not offer him enough crab legs?


The US HHS Dept says the uninsured rate of American adults fell from 20.3% five years ago before Obamacare , to 13.2%. The largest drop – 35% and over 16 million people – in four decades. The GOP no doubt used this occasion to rail against commie pinko concepts like math.

Now Jon Voight is saying that President Obama “does not love Israel.” All these people talking about the President and who he loves. It’s like we’re back to having Clinton in office.

The UK Daily Mail is reporting that Stefano Gabbana of Dolce & Gabbana, who criticized gay parents for having “synthetic children,” was quoted in an Italian newspaper in 2006 as having asked a women friend to have his baby via IVF. Wow. This guy is a big enough hypocrite you wonder if his dream is to leave the fashion world for politics.

Two former Justice Department lawyers, one from the Obama administration, one from the Bush administration, have written in a Harvard Law Review that Ted Cruz is a “natural born Citizen,” and that “an individual born to a U.S. citizen parent — whether in California or Canada or the Canal Zone — is a U.S. citizen from birth and is fully eligible to serve as President if the people so choose.”

Waiting for some in the GOP to try to add “except if that individual is born in Kenya, or Hawaii.”

Carol, carol, carol….

January 29, 2015

Florence Henderson, 81, who will forever be Carol Brady to many baby-boomers, gave an interview during which she talked about currently having a “friend with benefits.” And you think it was tough figuring out that YOUR parents actually had sex.

Facebook was down for an hour Monday light, and apparently 5 people called 911 about it. Really? Don’t these people understand that 911 is for serious issues. Like if your television goes down during the Super Bowl?

A fighter jet flew low over Berkeley today, scaring a lot of residents. Turns out it was a Navy pilot showing off for his brother who is a student at the university. Wonder if the pilot will claim he was pushed into the cockpit.

Good to see that, once again, NFL has its priorities in order. Apparently Marshawn Lynch may be fined anyway, not for his “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” respondes, but for wearing his “BeastMode” cap which was not a league approved brand.

Thinking for Marshawn Lynch and the NFL it would be much more efficient if the Seahawks running back just put money for his fines in a retainer account at the beginning of the season and the league notified him when to top it up.


Bill Clinton, joking about what he would want to be called if Hillary runs for President and wins – “I could be called Adam.” (First man.) I don’t know. What about “First Bubba?”

Headline hyperbole award of the day.- “Home heartbreak.” Talking about the Warriors’ loss in OT yesterday to the Bulls. Golden State had a 19 game winning streak snapped and is now 36-7. ‪#‎tragicreally‬

A now former Stanford University star swimmer was barred from campus after being charged with five felony counts. He was arrested after allegedly being found raping an intoxicated, unconscious woman on campus. What an idiotic a**hole. Since he’s a swimmer instead of a football player, no other school will give him a second chance.

You really can’t make this stuff up.  Now Michelle Obama has a new supporter. For today. This tweet “Kudos to @FLOTUS for standing up for women & refusing to wear Sharia-mandated head-scarf in Saudi Arabia. Nicely done.” From Ted Cruz.

Joel Grey, in a new People magazine interview that he didn’t like labels, but if you “have to use labels, I’m a gay man.” “I’m shocked,” said about two people.


Two steps forward, one step back. While Pope Francis is winning friends for the Catholic Church around the world, now we’ve got Father Joseph Illo, who took over a San Francisco church recently and is getting rid of girls as altar servers.. This because females cannot enter the priesthood, and “Boys usually end up losing interest because girls generally do a better job A boys-only program gives altar boys the space to develop their own leadership potential.” ‪#‎nottheonion‬

Bus to hell, or heaven, from Gary Bachman:   “A cat, presumed dead and buried, showed up in neighbor’s yard five days later. ‘I did it in three,’ boasted Jesus.”



Despite the fact that New England is still digging out from Juno, the storyline now is on how underwhelming the storm was in NJ/NY. So, yes, Boston, to the New York-centric media you are officially chopped liver.

Cutting truth?

August 29, 2014

Joan Rivers is in a medically induced coma following cardiac arrest and at this point doctors aren’t sure if she will recover. If she doesn’t survive, however, at least they won’t need any additional embalming fluid.


5 cuts to go and Michael Sam is still on the #Rams roster. Of course, this would have been easier for Sam if he were drafted by a team with more arrests and suspensions.

Hillary Clinton seems to be trying to distance herself from President Obama. Today she was saying “Don’t wear stupid suits.”


With her first child due this fall, Chelsea Clinton has quit her reporter job. Many Americans are shocked. Chelsea Clinton had a reporter job?

USC coach Steve Sarkisian indefinitely suspended Josh Shaw for lying, but today when asked if the star CB could be reinstated responded “”Potentially, sure. Potentially, sure.” As in potentially for the Sept 6. Stanford game?


The Indianapolis $tar reports that Colt$ owner Jim Ir$ay has reached a plea deal with his DUI and felony drug po$$e$$ion case. Now let’$ $ee what kind of deal Ir$ay can work out with NFL commi$$ioner Roger Goodell.

The latest GOP attack in Louisiana is that Senator Mary Landrieu is apparently registered to vote at the New Orleans house where her parents live. Guess she have registered her address as a hotel like President George H.W. Bush, or a vacation home like Dick Cheney?

Temple 37, Vanderbilt 7 last night? Vandy is actually part of the SEC. And looking like part of a plan where teams won’t have to go out of conference to schedule cupcakes.

The NFL said they will not fine Ndamukong Suh for roughing Jacksonville QB Chad Henne last Friday. Guess they figure they’ll pull in enough money from Suh during the regular season.

Tony Stewart will race again this weekend, and says that the “tragedy” of hitting Kevin Ward Jr. will “affect my life forever.” Well, it certainly affected Ward’s.


Ah the laws of unintended conseqences. The Satanic Temple just announced that based on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, their believers should be exempt from any state’s informed consent laws that require women considering abortions to read pro-life material.

From Bill Littlejohn.  ” This year, Jacksonville Jaguars  season ticket holders get a half-price  concealed weapon permit deal.  I think we can all hope they don’t offer that deal to Raider fans.”

Cold shoulders, etc.

August 20, 2014

George W. Bush has taken the #ALSicebucketchallenge and challenged Bill Clinton to do the same. And Bill responded “Take the Ice bucket challenge? I’ve been married to her for 39 years?

Sarah Palin, still annoyed at Tina Fey: “You need to at least pay for my kids’ braces or something from all the money that you made off of pretending that you’re me! My goodness, you capitalized on that” But what about all the money Palin has made pretending that she’s a serious politician?

The father of a Texas teenager who escaped jail due to his “affluenza” defense, has now himself been arrested for impersonating a police officer. (Dad allegedly threatened a neighbor, then presented fake credentials to that neighbor and the real police.) Guess this apple didn’t swagger far from the tree

According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL time, worth $3.2 billion. Gosh. Can you imagine how much the team would be worth if they ever had some revenue from the playoffs.

CNN headline: Iceland’s Bardarbunga volcano rumbles, could threaten air travel. The volcano hasn’t erupted yet, and last erupted in 1910. But the network is already so excited about another potential plane story…..

So in the 4th inning, it was not yet an official game, but 8-2 for the SF Giants. Wonder if Cubs ground crew thought about turning on the sprinklers?

#HunterPenceSigns Hunter Pence knows how to unroll a bleeping tarp #Tarpgate #Wrigley #SFGiants #Cubs

#NotTheOnion – John Shea reports that #Cubs grounds crew was watering the field at #Wrigley today. #TarpGate

Philadelphia pitcher A.J. Burnett says he is thinking of retiring after the season. As opposed to the rest of the Phillies, who called it quits before the All-Star break.

Headline for today “Is Rick Perry sunk for 2016?” This assumes he was ever afloat.

Mr. Padre.

June 24, 2014


The #SFGiants honored Tony Gwynn before their game today.  And even put his #19 up on their wall.  Classy move for a real class act ballplayer.


(Although after honoring the best #SDPadres hitter ever in  Tony Gwynn, the Giants made  1st time starting pitcher Despaigne look like Trevor Hoffman each and every inning. #unclearontheconcept)



-Tony Gwynn got 97.61% of the votes in becoming a first ballot Hall-of-Famer, appearing on 532 of 545 ballots.   So were the other 13 voters a**holes or just ignorant.





The Tampa Bay Rays invited a 17 year old girl to throw batting practice for them before today’s game. Good thing they weren’t playing an interleague game in SF. She might have shut out the ‪#‎SFGiants‬.


#TimDuncan has quietly exercised his $10.3 million option to stay with #SanAntonio. My dad is right on this one. The #Spurs are just too professional for the media. #nodrama.

Apparently a “scathing” report by the Office of Special Counsel found a “troubling pattern of deficient care at VA facilities nationwide.” Not good. But have to wonder, what kind of pattern would they find at a lot of U.S. HMO’s?

Apparently some men tagging sharks from a 35-ft boat off the NJ shore have a video of getting their chum bag stolen by a 16-ft shark. Wonder who was the first to say “we’re going to need a bigger chum bag.”

You can’t make this stuff up. Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran, 76, who is struggling to keep his seat by fighting off a younger challenger, now has Brett Favre campaigning for him.

Katy Perry offered she’ll write Hillary Clinton’s theme song if Hillary runs again for President in 2016. And Bill offered to spend some private time consulting with Katy while she works on it.

There is a theory that warm weather countries are at a big advantage in this #WorldCup because of the hot, humid conditions in Brazil. If true, then just how good is the Netherlands?

With all the finger pointing after yesterday’s last second Portugal comeback, did anyone notice if a “mission accomplished” banner was raised on the U.S. side?


The USA Portugal broadcast had 24.7 million viewers between ESPN and Univision, a new record for any soccer game in the US. To put this in perspective, it’s a little more than half the 45.7 million who watched the 2014 NFL draft.


3 goals in 10 minutes Monday for Mexico. Who took the ball out of the humidor? #WorldCup

Oh lordie. Now with Hillary Clinton’s awkward statements about her family’s wealth, Joe Biden said today he’s “the poorest man in Congress. Adding.”I don’t own a single stock or bond. … I have no savings accounts. The VP and his wife reported $407,009 in adjusted gross income in 2013. If Biden’s telling the truth it doesn’t say much for his ability to manage his own money, let alone taxpayer dollars..

A Louisiana man is recovering with 80 stitches in his hand after he and his friends were drunk and tried to move an alligator out of the road. And Darwin is thinking “missed it by that much.”

Ups and downs.

May 18, 2014

Michael Bloomberg said today he would run for President, except he doesn’t think he can win. Well, that never stopped a whole lot of other people.

The Giant Dipper roller coaster in Santa Cruz is now 90 years old. The ride is in great shape, except that it has started going around the track with its left blinker on.

There is a chance that California Chrome might not run in the Belmont if New York racing officials, known for being stricter than other states, do not allow him to wear his customary nasal strip, which helps with the colt’s breathing when he races. Even Roger Goodell might think that’s a ticky-tack ruling.

Of course, to be fair, hard to imagine Roger Goodell would have let California Chrome run with the label of “Dumb Ass Partners.”

So #PabloSandoval hits his first home run in over a month on the same day that #TimLincecum shaved his mustache. Coincidence? #SFGiants


Karl Rove continues to insist that Hillary Clinton’s brain injury will keep her from running in 2016, saying it is “far more serious’” than many currently realize. Except if anyone knows that a working brain is not required for being President…

Miss Beazley, one of George W. and Laura Bush’s beloved Scottish Terriers, has passed away at the age of 9. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

North Korea is reporting that an apartment building in Pyongyang has collapsed in a “serious accident” that caused an unspecified number of casualties. Further details will follow as soon as they figure out a way to blame this on the U.S.

Miguel Tejada has signed a minor league deal with the Miami Marlins and will work out at the club’s spring training headquarters while he serves the last few weeks of a 105 game suspension for his third failed drug test. It’s all part of Bud Selig’s strict “three strikes and you’re almost out, maybe…” policy.

The U.S. government is trying to help farmers in Central America fight a coffee fungus that is especially deadly to Arabica coffee, a bean that makes up a lot of high-end coffee. It’s about the livelihoods of the farmers as well as the price of coffee. Although Starbucks is no doubt considering helping consumers with an installment plan.



There’s been another call for the resignation of the NH Police Chief who used the N word to refer to Obama. From that commie-pinko Mitt Romney. Is Mitt trying to get back to the days when people said he was too reasonable to be the GOP nominee for President?

Time passages.

May 8, 2014

NBC announced Wednesday morning they have extended their Olympics TV deal through 2032. What? They didn’t tape the announcement and show it in prime time?


Caleb Johnson on American Idol Wednesday did a great job on “Maybe I’m Amazed.” And wonder how many younger viewers are thinking “Cool. Isn’t that a hit from the guy who used to be with Wings?”

Charlie Crist said he left the GOP because it is now seen as “anti-women, anti-minority, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment,” and because leadership “went off a cliff.” Crist better watch it, he might be making way too much sense to be elected in Florida.


CNN is reporting that Sarah Palin says Hillary Clinton will likely reconsider her position on abortion rights now that her daughter is pregnant. And many Americans seeing another Sarah Palin story are thinking, “Can’t you go back to coverage of MH370?”

Bizarre factoid of the day. Most Americans probably don’t know the Prime Minister of Canada. But they know the Mayor of Toronto.

Johnny Manziel is saying that teams who pass on him in the draft will regret it. Even Richard Sherman is saying, “Dude, less is more.”

Target’s interim CEO John Mulligan “Our guests can shop with confidence at Target.” Wonder if he added under his breath “If they pay cash.”

Venture capitalist Tim Draper “When you work for your government, when your government forces you to do something, it’s slavery. We need to take it back.” Right, because if he didn’t live in California, instead of ending up a billionaire, Tim feels he might be a trillionaire by now?


Male whine of the day. .MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough,”This is not about Bill Clinton This is about the women who were eviscerating Monica Lewinsky, who for 18 years was quiet and, by the way, lived a life of shame and her entire existence reduced to a punchline,” Well, no one is claiming Bill is a saint. But it’s wrong to say that a 22 year old woman was capable of making her own bad choices?

Tim Lincecum is doing a great job of pitching to contact. Unfortunately the contact he is pitching to is the wall.  #SFGiants.

Hillary Clinton, when asked today if she is running for President in 2016. “I am somebody who really has to mull things over. Stay tuned. When I know, you’ll know.” Even Brett Favre is thinking “Jeez, lady, make up your mind.”

A dinosaur threw out the first pitch at today’s Padres game. Saw that headline and thought “But Jamie Moyer didn’t even play for San Diego.”


Stay classy. Former Dodgers’ manager Tommy Lasorda, a friend of Donald Sterling, said of V. Stiviano “I don’t wish that girl any bad luck, but I hope she gets hit with a car.” Hate to hear what Tommy hoped about any of the SF Giants when they won the World Series in recent years.


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