Posted tagged ‘Clinton jokes’

Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Play ball, finally.

April 8, 2014

Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.

 

#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?

 

Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

How sweet it is?

February 7, 2014

One of the sweetest phrases in the English language today “Pitchers and catchers report.”

 

Rand Paul now says that any Democrat who has had a fundraiser with former President Clinton should return the $$ to protest his sexual behavior in the White House. While Paul is at it, why isn’t he demanding the resignation of say, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?

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Clint Eastwood, 83, apparently saved the AT&T tournament director’s life last night in Pebble Beach by performing the Heimlich maneuver when the man was choking on a piece of cheese. So I guess to the question “Do you feel lucky, punk?” the answer was “Yes!”

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “Clint Eastwood used the Heimlich maneuver to save the life of the choking Pebble Beach tournament director.Subsequently, they want Clint to stay close to tourney participant Peyton Manning”

 

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Joe Biden on the Presidency “There’s no obvious reason for me why I think I should not run.” Uh, maybe that he wouldn’t win?

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On the other hand, Joe Biden vs. Chris Christie in a debate?   A comedy writers dream.  And a guaranteed 3 second delay with the censors.

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FSU coach Jimbo Fisher said QB Jameis Winston might play two more years in college, and Winston says he could be right. Of course, may depend on who has the #1 draft pick. #anyonebuttheraiders

 

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So with the horror stories coming out of Sochi will “plausibly live” this year at the Olympics mean media people after several days with no working showers or drinking water?

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Although back in the USA.  Have to love the written airline safety card in exit row seatbacks that says if you lack the ability to read the instructions you must identify yourself to a crew member to be reseated….

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Knicks coach Mike Woodson “This year has been, for me, it’s been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint.” And fans are thinking, “What about from the standpoint of us poor fools who bought season tickets?”

 

So far the biggest mishap at the actual Sochi games has been an opening ceremony that was one ring short. “Tell us about it” said Broncos fans

 

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Alex Rodriguez has dropped his lawsuit against MLB and will accept their ban. Maybe because even Perry Mason would have told A-Rod he had no chance.

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Now the FAA is investigating Justin Bieber’s flight to the US over marijuana allegations. Maybe President Obama really should consider that deportation petition. Think of the U.S. taxpayer money it would save on law enforcement
 

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

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A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

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The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

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Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

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So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

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After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

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Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

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But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

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Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

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And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

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Getting stoned?

November 26, 2013

Afghanistan may again make it the law to stone convicted adulterers. Which means if Hillary is elected in 2016, she’ll be making visits to Kabul solo.

Ann Betar, 98, and John Betar, 102, are celebrating their 81th wedding anniversary today, making them the longest married couple in America. After this long guess the marriage stands a good chance of surviving that 87 year itch.

STL GM John Mozeliak, defending the team’s 4-year $50 million contract for Jhonny Peralta, said the Cardinals were confident Peralta’s drug suspension was an “isolated circumstance.” Translation, at least they’re sure Jhonny won’t get caught again.

Brian Wilson is apparently close to signing with… the Detroit Tigers?! Maybe the Beard is fonder than he admitted of wearing Orange and Black.

After George Zimmerman was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend, a search of their home found three handguns, a 12-gauge shotgun, a rifle and 106 rounds of ammunition. And aren’t residents of 49 states sorry that a condition of his bail is that Zimmerman not leave Florida?

Over 500 flights have been cancelled out of Dallas-Ft Worth International Airport in two days. Wonder how many good Samaritans planning to visit in-laws will offer up their confirmed seats Tues. or Wed. so poor stranded folks can get to see THEIR families. (“Really, honey, you know I want to see your mom, but this woman and baby need the seat more than I do.. So go on without me, it’s okay, Really”)

Country singer Wayne Mills was fatally shot in a Nashville bar this weekend. Allegedly by his best friend during an argument. The true tragedy, Mills won’t be around to use the incident as a basis for a great hit song.

College basketball counts strength of schedule for tournament seeding. Not that it will happen, but when college football starts their playoff system, would be nice to see late season games like Alabama vs. Chattanooga and FSU vs. Idaho considered to be the equivalents of bye-weeks.

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, talking about tonight’s game says how his team “rose up to the challenge.” Of playing the Redskins. And he said it with a straight face.

RGIII against Colin Kaepernick on MNF football.  Also known as the “Two-preseason-favorites-who-are-not-going-to-win-the-MVP-this-year” bowl.

Yahoo has named Katie Couric as the new “face” of its global news operations. Shocking. Yahoo HAS “global news operations?”

Derrick Rose is out for the season. And Bulls fans are asking Cubs fans friends about borrowing their ‘Wait until next year” t-shirts.

From T.C.  About my post on  Georgia Southern beating  Florida Saturday without completing a pass.  “Finally, a team I could play for, says Tim Tebow.”

More than some assembly required.

November 14, 2013

Police in Sweden were called to a potential “domestic incident”, when a neighbor heard “banging and screaming.” It turned out to simply be a couple trying to assemble IKEA furniture. Although I have to wonder….how many domestic incidents have started over trying to assemble IKEA furniture.

In San Francisco a Muni train left the station without an operator after the driver got out to check a door and forgot to set the emergency break. Well, it could have been worse.. could have happened to an airline pilot.

The 9-0 Kansas City Chiefs said WR Dwayne Bowe, who was arrested for marijuana possession this week will start Sunday night against the Broncos. (Bowe is 2nd on the team in catches.) It’s all about that Golden Rule. Bring in the Gold, you don’t need to follow the Rules.

Anyone else find it just a bit ironic that the party complaining about how all Obamacare policies must cover maternity, is the party that also usually makes a big show of being pro-life?

The University of Florida president and AD have both expressed confidence in embattled coach Will Muschamp, despite the Gators 4-5 record. Well, they have about 15 million reasons, as Mushamp has five years left on his contract at an average salary of $2,928,791.

The Secret Service is under investigation again for sexual misconduct, this time stemming from an alleged incident where a supervisor met a woman in the Hay-Adams hotel, and accidentally left a bullet in her D.C. hotel room. Former President Bill Clinton no doubt has already volunteered to investigate.

Contradicting a statement he made after the 2012 election, John Boehner now says the House will not take up immigration reform this year, saying it’s “too complicated to rush.” So is the Speaker angling for a post-politics job of serving on one of Bud Selig’s “blue ribbon committees?”

Mariah Carey on her American Idol experience with an unnamed co-judge. “It was like going to work every day in hell with Satan.” And somewhere Simon Cowell is thinking “Who am I, chopped liver?”

Ben Roethlisberger, on Detroit Lions DTs Nadmukong Suh and Nick Fairley “You’ve got to be careful. You’ll end up dead if you’re not careful.” Suh’s response “I’m not a killer.. I guess I can take that somewhat as a compliment.” Wonder if he thought of adding “And I’m not a rapist either.”

Lululemon founder Chip Wilson is apologizing for offending customers by saying their brand’s yoga pants just don’t work for “some women’s bodies.” Although no doubt Wilson is being secretly cheered by people who have been at restaurants, stores, etc where some of lululemon’s customers have proved his point.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s latest admission, that he did purchase illegal drugs. Well, it could be worse, at least Ford didn’t get in a drunken stupor and text pictures of his junk.

The Toronto City Council voted 37-5 to ask Mayor Rob Ford to take a leave of absence. Wow. Those 5 must really love to watch train wrecks.The Toronto City Council voted 37-5 to ask Mayor Rob Ford to take a leave of absence. Wow. Those 5 must really love to watch train wrecks.

From Alex Kaseberg:  Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, admits to buying illegal drugs. Of course we Americans are shocked. A politician who paid for something out of their own pocket? Never happens here.

Fined and dandy?

October 2, 2013

49ers safety Donte Whitner, fined $21,000 by the league for a hit last week, says he is legally changing his name to “Hitner.” Wonder how much the NFL will fine him for that?

Chelsea Clinton says now that she hopes she and her husband will have a baby in 2014. So, let’s see, it will be about 2060 when that baby runs against Jenna Bush’s baby for President?

AL Wild Card game is over. And congrats to the Tampa Bay Rays. Otherwise known as “Half of Fox’s Potential World Series Ratings Nightmare.”

Stan points out about the Pirates’ last time in the playoffs:     How long ago was that.   Infants born in 1992 can now legally buy & be served alcohol.

 

All these night time pictures of the brightly lit Capitol in Washington, D.C. during the government shutdown. Shouldn’t they at least turn out the lights?

Barbara Boxer of California has a bill most Americans could agree on: If there is a Federal shutdown, Congress doesn’t get paid. (It passed the Senate two years ago, the House wouldn’t vote on it. Why am I not surprised? She’s  trying again.)

A-Rod is now claiming he thought the expensive substances he bought secretly from Biogenesis were legal. If he gets any more duplicitous Rodriguez is going to be recruited to run for Congress.

One of the scariest things about this shutdown. From CNN: “Both Democrats and Republicans say that a clean spending measure — with no Obamacare amendments, as urged by the president and his allies — would pass the House with support from the Democratic minority and moderate Republicans.”

Both the Yankees and Cubs are expected to offer Joe Girardi contracts next year. But Girardi supposedly is also toying with moving to television. Of course, with either team right now, there’s a good chance he’d be free to broadcast the MLB playoffs.

In the midst of Iran’s charm offensive comes news that a new law in the country will allow men to marry their adopted daughters at the age of 13. Insert very un-PC Arkansas/ West Virginia joke here:.

 

A new book alleges that the NFL crusaded for two decades to deny the link between football and brain damage, despite increasing scientific research showing otherwise. Well, science always was a liberal commie-pinko theory anyway.

 

Excerpt from a letter from Harry Reid to John Boehner:

“I hated the Iraq War. I think I hated it as much as you hate the Affordable Care Act. There were many gut-wrenching nights when I struggled over what I needed to do to end the carnage. In those days, when President Bush was Commander in Chief, I could have taken the steps that you are taking now to block Government funding in order to gain leverage to end the war. I faced a lot of pressure from my own base to take that action. But I did not do that. I felt that it would have been devastating to America.”

Logic, another commie-pinko concept?


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