Posted tagged ‘Clinton jokes’

Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

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Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

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An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

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An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

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In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

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The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

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In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

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Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

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If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Play ball, finally.

April 8, 2014

Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.

 

#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

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Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

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And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

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Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

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Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

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As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

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79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

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UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

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Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

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John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

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Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?

 

Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

How sweet it is?

February 7, 2014

One of the sweetest phrases in the English language today “Pitchers and catchers report.”

 

Rand Paul now says that any Democrat who has had a fundraiser with former President Clinton should return the $$ to protest his sexual behavior in the White House. While Paul is at it, why isn’t he demanding the resignation of say, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?

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Clint Eastwood, 83, apparently saved the AT&T tournament director’s life last night in Pebble Beach by performing the Heimlich maneuver when the man was choking on a piece of cheese. So I guess to the question “Do you feel lucky, punk?” the answer was “Yes!”

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “Clint Eastwood used the Heimlich maneuver to save the life of the choking Pebble Beach tournament director.Subsequently, they want Clint to stay close to tourney participant Peyton Manning”

 

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Joe Biden on the Presidency “There’s no obvious reason for me why I think I should not run.” Uh, maybe that he wouldn’t win?

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On the other hand, Joe Biden vs. Chris Christie in a debate?   A comedy writers dream.  And a guaranteed 3 second delay with the censors.

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FSU coach Jimbo Fisher said QB Jameis Winston might play two more years in college, and Winston says he could be right. Of course, may depend on who has the #1 draft pick. #anyonebuttheraiders

 

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So with the horror stories coming out of Sochi will “plausibly live” this year at the Olympics mean media people after several days with no working showers or drinking water?

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Although back in the USA.  Have to love the written airline safety card in exit row seatbacks that says if you lack the ability to read the instructions you must identify yourself to a crew member to be reseated….

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Knicks coach Mike Woodson “This year has been, for me, it’s been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint.” And fans are thinking, “What about from the standpoint of us poor fools who bought season tickets?”

 

So far the biggest mishap at the actual Sochi games has been an opening ceremony that was one ring short. “Tell us about it” said Broncos fans

 

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Alex Rodriguez has dropped his lawsuit against MLB and will accept their ban. Maybe because even Perry Mason would have told A-Rod he had no chance.

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Now the FAA is investigating Justin Bieber’s flight to the US over marijuana allegations. Maybe President Obama really should consider that deportation petition. Think of the U.S. taxpayer money it would save on law enforcement
 

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

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A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

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The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

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Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

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So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

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After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

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Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

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But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

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Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

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And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

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Getting stoned?

November 26, 2013

Afghanistan may again make it the law to stone convicted adulterers. Which means if Hillary is elected in 2016, she’ll be making visits to Kabul solo.

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Ann Betar, 98, and John Betar, 102, are celebrating their 81th wedding anniversary today, making them the longest married couple in America. After this long guess the marriage stands a good chance of surviving that 87 year itch.

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STL GM John Mozeliak, defending the team’s 4-year $50 million contract for Jhonny Peralta, said the Cardinals were confident Peralta’s drug suspension was an “isolated circumstance.” Translation, at least they’re sure Jhonny won’t get caught again.

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Brian Wilson is apparently close to signing with… the Detroit Tigers?! Maybe the Beard is fonder than he admitted of wearing Orange and Black.

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After George Zimmerman was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend, a search of their home found three handguns, a 12-gauge shotgun, a rifle and 106 rounds of ammunition. And aren’t residents of 49 states sorry that a condition of his bail is that Zimmerman not leave Florida?

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Over 500 flights have been cancelled out of Dallas-Ft Worth International Airport in two days. Wonder how many good Samaritans planning to visit in-laws will offer up their confirmed seats Tues. or Wed. so poor stranded folks can get to see THEIR families. (“Really, honey, you know I want to see your mom, but this woman and baby need the seat more than I do.. So go on without me, it’s okay, Really”)

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Country singer Wayne Mills was fatally shot in a Nashville bar this weekend. Allegedly by his best friend during an argument. The true tragedy, Mills won’t be around to use the incident as a basis for a great hit song.

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College basketball counts strength of schedule for tournament seeding. Not that it will happen, but when college football starts their playoff system, would be nice to see late season games like Alabama vs. Chattanooga and FSU vs. Idaho considered to be the equivalents of bye-weeks.

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, talking about tonight’s game says how his team “rose up to the challenge.” Of playing the Redskins. And he said it with a straight face.

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RGIII against Colin Kaepernick on MNF football.  Also known as the “Two-preseason-favorites-who-are-not-going-to-win-the-MVP-this-year” bowl.

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Yahoo has named Katie Couric as the new “face” of its global news operations. Shocking. Yahoo HAS “global news operations?”

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Derrick Rose is out for the season. And Bulls fans are asking Cubs fans friends about borrowing their ‘Wait until next year” t-shirts.

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From T.C.  About my post on  Georgia Southern beating  Florida Saturday without completing a pass.  “Finally, a team I could play for, says Tim Tebow.”

More than some assembly required.

November 14, 2013

Police in Sweden were called to a potential “domestic incident”, when a neighbor heard “banging and screaming.” It turned out to simply be a couple trying to assemble IKEA furniture. Although I have to wonder….how many domestic incidents have started over trying to assemble IKEA furniture.

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In San Francisco a Muni train left the station without an operator after the driver got out to check a door and forgot to set the emergency break. Well, it could have been worse.. could have happened to an airline pilot.

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The 9-0 Kansas City Chiefs said WR Dwayne Bowe, who was arrested for marijuana possession this week will start Sunday night against the Broncos. (Bowe is 2nd on the team in catches.) It’s all about that Golden Rule. Bring in the Gold, you don’t need to follow the Rules.

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Anyone else find it just a bit ironic that the party complaining about how all Obamacare policies must cover maternity, is the party that also usually makes a big show of being pro-life?

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The University of Florida president and AD have both expressed confidence in embattled coach Will Muschamp, despite the Gators 4-5 record. Well, they have about 15 million reasons, as Mushamp has five years left on his contract at an average salary of $2,928,791.

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The Secret Service is under investigation again for sexual misconduct, this time stemming from an alleged incident where a supervisor met a woman in the Hay-Adams hotel, and accidentally left a bullet in her D.C. hotel room. Former President Bill Clinton no doubt has already volunteered to investigate.

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Contradicting a statement he made after the 2012 election, John Boehner now says the House will not take up immigration reform this year, saying it’s “too complicated to rush.” So is the Speaker angling for a post-politics job of serving on one of Bud Selig’s “blue ribbon committees?”

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Mariah Carey on her American Idol experience with an unnamed co-judge. “It was like going to work every day in hell with Satan.” And somewhere Simon Cowell is thinking “Who am I, chopped liver?”

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Ben Roethlisberger, on Detroit Lions DTs Nadmukong Suh and Nick Fairley “You’ve got to be careful. You’ll end up dead if you’re not careful.” Suh’s response “I’m not a killer.. I guess I can take that somewhat as a compliment.” Wonder if he thought of adding “And I’m not a rapist either.”

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Lululemon founder Chip Wilson is apologizing for offending customers by saying their brand’s yoga pants just don’t work for “some women’s bodies.” Although no doubt Wilson is being secretly cheered by people who have been at restaurants, stores, etc where some of lululemon’s customers have proved his point.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s latest admission, that he did purchase illegal drugs. Well, it could be worse, at least Ford didn’t get in a drunken stupor and text pictures of his junk.

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The Toronto City Council voted 37-5 to ask Mayor Rob Ford to take a leave of absence. Wow. Those 5 must really love to watch train wrecks.The Toronto City Council voted 37-5 to ask Mayor Rob Ford to take a leave of absence. Wow. Those 5 must really love to watch train wrecks.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, admits to buying illegal drugs. Of course we Americans are shocked. A politician who paid for something out of their own pocket? Never happens here.

Fined and dandy?

October 2, 2013

49ers safety Donte Whitner, fined $21,000 by the league for a hit last week, says he is legally changing his name to “Hitner.” Wonder how much the NFL will fine him for that?

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Chelsea Clinton says now that she hopes she and her husband will have a baby in 2014. So, let’s see, it will be about 2060 when that baby runs against Jenna Bush’s baby for President?

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AL Wild Card game is over. And congrats to the Tampa Bay Rays. Otherwise known as “Half of Fox’s Potential World Series Ratings Nightmare.”

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Stan points out about the Pirates’ last time in the playoffs:     How long ago was that.   Infants born in 1992 can now legally buy & be served alcohol.

 

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All these night time pictures of the brightly lit Capitol in Washington, D.C. during the government shutdown. Shouldn’t they at least turn out the lights?

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Barbara Boxer of California has a bill most Americans could agree on: If there is a Federal shutdown, Congress doesn’t get paid. (It passed the Senate two years ago, the House wouldn’t vote on it. Why am I not surprised? She’s  trying again.)

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A-Rod is now claiming he thought the expensive substances he bought secretly from Biogenesis were legal. If he gets any more duplicitous Rodriguez is going to be recruited to run for Congress.

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One of the scariest things about this shutdown. From CNN: “Both Democrats and Republicans say that a clean spending measure — with no Obamacare amendments, as urged by the president and his allies — would pass the House with support from the Democratic minority and moderate Republicans.”

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Both the Yankees and Cubs are expected to offer Joe Girardi contracts next year. But Girardi supposedly is also toying with moving to television. Of course, with either team right now, there’s a good chance he’d be free to broadcast the MLB playoffs.

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In the midst of Iran’s charm offensive comes news that a new law in the country will allow men to marry their adopted daughters at the age of 13. Insert very un-PC Arkansas/ West Virginia joke here:.

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A new book alleges that the NFL crusaded for two decades to deny the link between football and brain damage, despite increasing scientific research showing otherwise. Well, science always was a liberal commie-pinko theory anyway.

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Excerpt from a letter from Harry Reid to John Boehner:

“I hated the Iraq War. I think I hated it as much as you hate the Affordable Care Act. There were many gut-wrenching nights when I struggled over what I needed to do to end the carnage. In those days, when President Bush was Commander in Chief, I could have taken the steps that you are taking now to block Government funding in order to gain leverage to end the war. I faced a lot of pressure from my own base to take that action. But I did not do that. I felt that it would have been devastating to America.”

Logic, another commie-pinko concept?

What matters most?

September 28, 2013

 

The NFL has fined Cam Newton $10k for using unapproved Under Armour visor clips (with the logo blacked out) on his helmet. The league only found out when a Forbes.com article Tuesday showed pictures of the helmet with the clips. Good to see that with all these arrests and concussions the NFL still finds time for what’s really important.

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Okay, I’m no Trojan fan, but… USC’s appeal for reduced football sanctions was denied, after the NCAA did reduce sanctions for Penn State And the NCAA’s statement “There is no comparison between USC and Penn State.” Uh, yeah, right, in one case pkayers got some free stuff and money, and in the other young boys were molested for years. No comparison at all.

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It’s a shame Mariano Rivera’s last time pitching at Yankee Stadium was in the 9th inning. Had they done his farewell on the mound before they cut off alcohol in the 7th, maybe Mo could have turned water into beer on the way out?

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Stay classy, folks. While Kaepernick and Gore were doing postgame TV interviews in St. Louis on TNF, 49ers fans behind the cameras were heard shouting “Seahawks suck! Seahawks suck!” Who do they think they are, Raiders fans?

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Barack Obama said today he spoke by phone with Hassan Rouhani. These are strange times when the President of Iran may be more open to reasonable negotiation than the Speaker of the House.

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Bill Clinton said he really doesn’t know if Hillary will run for President. Really? As if people might believe in that marriage that one spouse might not know everything the other is doing….

 

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Groupon sent out a list of their most popular deals. One is 50% off on-line traffic school. Presumably for those who read about Groupon deals on their phones while driving?

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Lebron James is going to give a pregame pep talk for Ohio State players before they play Wisconsin on Saturday. Wonder if the talk will include “And if you play really well, you can end up with an NFL team and move to Florida.”

 

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Nicki Minaj told Ellen Degeneres she would “NEVER go back to American Idol.” “What a shame,” said absolutely no one.

 

Sens. Ted Cruz and Mike Lee spoke on the chamber floor again today against Obama. Zero GOP senators showed up. These two are so unwatchable they should be on NBC’s primetime schedule.

 

-Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria fired his President of baseball operations Larry Beinfest after 12 years. Beinfest was reportedly muttering as he cleaned out his office “Free at last, free at last…”.

 

From T.C. As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.

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Jacksonville Jaguars are offering free beer to fans who buy tickets. The way the team is playing, shouldn’t they be offering something harder?

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Minnesota Vikings and Pittsburgh Steelers are in London preparing for their Sunday matchup. A lot of disadvantages for NFL players having to go overseas for a game. On the other hand, British police may not send Americans their arrest records.

 

 

Screwed or not to be screwed?

May 30, 2013

It could have been a long day when….. you are about to try to to put a corkscrew into a nice bottle of wine….and realize it’s a screwtop.

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Not that it mattered in the end, open note to all morons: If you make enough money to afford seats in the front row for a baseball game, you should be smart enough to keep your hands OFF a ball that is in play. (Yes, I’m talking to you, idiot who might have cost the Giants a triple.

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Although after another rough night  -for SF Giants’ fans -  maybe the #SFGiants would let #OaklandAs move to San Jose.  If the A’s  agreed to scrap those regular inter-league games?

(Say, aren’t the Seattle Mariners looking for a rival?)

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The SEC voted today 13-1 to keep playing only 8 football conference games a year instead of 9. Which could cost them TV ratings, but hey, 9 games means one less game against teams like Kent State, Chattanooga, and the Little Sisters of the Poor.

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The bad news: Two U.S Embassy officials were shot in an altercation at a Caracus, Venezuela strip club. The good news: Their injuries are not life-threatening, and they aren’t Secret Service.

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Wouldn’t be shocked to see GOP call for a Congressional committee to look into the two Embassy employees shot and wounded in a Caracas strip club. But if they do, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Bill Clinton has volunteered to head the investigation.

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Dear Gawd. Several Penn State trustees and former players, along with Joe Paterno’s family, are reportedly planning to sue the NCAA over the Sandusky sanctions. Only folks who may be happy about this are in Rutgers’ AD. Would take their mess right off the front page.)

 

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John McCain, after his sneak visit to Syria, says he is now more resolved that the U.S. must increase our involvement in their internal conflict. Leaving aside how well it usually turns out when we go into the Mid East, where is it written in the GOP handbook that deficits don’t count if they are incurred by the military?

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A woman turned in a loaded semi-automatic pistol found on a ride at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom, and a Florida man was asked to leave the park when he tried to retrieve the gun, which he said had fallen from his pocket. The man said he had a concealed weapons permit and didn’t realize Disney did not allow firearms. Your move, Arizona.

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Usher, who discovered Justin Bieber at the age of 13, told Ellen this week that he hops the young man “will continue to mature” Shocking? Usher thinks Bieber has started to mature?

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Baseball-softball, along with wrestling and squash, made the final three as the IOC decides which single sport to reinstate in the 2020 Olympics. If baseball-softball doesn’t end up winning, however, fans of amateur baseball will still have the little league, college games and the Houston Astros.

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Michele Bachmann says she is not running for re-election. And somewhere Jon Stewart is weeping..

 

So now it looks like there’s actually a legitimate chance for the NBA finals to be Indianapolis-San Antonio. ESPN is ready… to talk about potential changes to the NFL schedule..

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Silver lining department from T.C.  NCAA just announced that Rutgers has won both the men’s and women’s awards — for dodgeball.

West coast wimps.

January 27, 2013

Although San Diego weather is in the 60s, officials at the Farmers Insurance golf tournament  had to delay the third round for fog. And folks on the frozen east coast are thinking, just STFU.

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USC’s men’s basketball team lost to Arizona 74-50 Saturday night, and after being down by as much as 34. Normally when the Trojans are this embarrassed in a sporting event, Stanford football is involved.

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Paul Ryan told Republicans  “We have to stay united.” Shocking. Ryan thinks the GOP has been united?

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Now former Fox News commentator Sarah Palin said conservatives “can’t just preach to the choir” and must instead “broaden our reach.” Well, I’m sure Jon Stewart would have her on the Daily Show anytime….

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Many were surprised to see Hillary Clinton looking so comfortable with President Obama on “60 Minutes.” But on the other hand, Barack has done a lot more for Hillary’s reputation than the last Democratic president.

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Just how unwatchable a game is the Pro Bowl?   Many men probably decided Sunday they’d rather join their wives and watch the U.S. Figure Skating championships.

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Isn’t “Pro Bowl joke”   redundant?

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President Obama said that NFL players are grown men who are “well-compensated for the violence they do to their bodies”, but that college players with concussions “have nothing to fall back on. That’s something that I’d like to see the NCAA think about.” Responded the NCAA, sorry, we’re too busy looking into free meals and tattoos.

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In York PA, David Kime, who died at 88, loved Burger King so much that his funeral procession went through the drive-thru window. Family and friends all got a Whopper Jr., and one of the burgers was placed on his casket. But just think, had Kime avoided junk food he might have lived until 89.

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Remind me again why there are two weeks between the AFC/NFC Championships and the Super Bowl…    So we can have scintillating ESPN headlines like this? “Ravens wrap last home practice, pack gear.”

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Can we let Texas secede, please? Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) dismissed Obama’s nominees Chuck Hagel and John Kerry as “very prominently less than ardent fans of the U.S. military.” Right, and neither of these combat VETERANS know anything about the military.

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From T.C.  on next year’s Super Bowl being played outdoors in New Jersey: “Watch for SB XLVIIIBRRRR.”

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Bust to hell time:

A Secret Service dog accidentally fell six stories off a roof and died last night in New Orleans while working an event featuring V.P. Joe Biden. Either that or the poor dog got so tired of listening to Biden that he committed suicide.

Alternative version:    “The Secret Service plans to teach their dogs never again to ask directions from the local cats…”

Back on the job

January 23, 2013

The NFL reinstated Saints coach Sean Payton two weeks early from his year-long suspension. Guess Roger Goodell still has hopes of being able to go into restaurants and bars during the next two weeks in New Orleans

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Andrew Luck will play in the Pro Bowl after Tom Brady pulled out due to an “undisclosed injury.” Translation – Brady is sick of settling for the Pro Bowl.

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20 degrees in Washington, D.C. So maybe some conservatives were right when they said America would re-elect President Obama when hell froze over.

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So does Beyonce have her Super Bowl recording ready yet?

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A Southwest Airlines flight aborted a takeoff from Denver when a warning light indicated a fire onboard. The jet stopped so abruptly that three tires blew out. No injuries, but wonder how long it will take to clean the seats..

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The Museum of the City of New York is showcasing one of the finalists of a “micro-apartment” contest- only 325 sq feet. And it’s still probably big enough to misplace your keys somewhere inside.

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Okay, so maybe many people expected the Los Angeles Lakers were over optimistic to think about contending for a title…. but in 2013, who thought they’d be being outplayed by the Wizards?

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You think you’ve flamed someone on FB is a bad mood, how about Anna Burns Welker, wife of Wes: “Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay! What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

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It’s a wonderful thing that so many people who don’t usually travel were able to attend Barack Obama’s second inauguration. It is not so wonderful if you happen to be with them at the airport.

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CNN beat other cable news networks in covering President Obama’s oath and inaugural address. They drew 3.136 million viewers in all. MSNBC had 2.273 million viewers, and Fox News was last with1.316 million viewers.   But really, 1.316 Fox viewers?  Why?  They could have just waited for their anchors to tell them how bad the speech was.

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President Obama paused as he left the inauguration ceremony and said “I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again.” Hearing this Bill Clinton nudged Hillary and just smiled.

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From Gary Bachman:   “It’s so cold Lance Armstrong injected himself with soup.”

- and from Alex Kaseberg, in the “truth hurts” dept:  the truth hurts:   The worst part about Lance Armstrong being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It is admitting the French were right to despise him. Oh, man, how that hurts . . .

One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic ;) but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  -  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?

You’re the one that I wanted, maybe.. if I could remember.

December 5, 2012

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important

 

Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.

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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.

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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”

 

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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan

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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.

 

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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.

 

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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….

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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.

 

 

Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..

No “I” in Team.

December 4, 2012

And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.

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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.

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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.

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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?

 

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

 

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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?

Adds Nick Coombs,  “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”

 

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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….

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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?

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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.

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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”

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Groaner alert:

There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”

Two more months…

September 7, 2012

Until the election.  And television viewers in non-swing states can go back not to seeing political commercials.   Those in Ohio, Florida, Virginia, North Carolina…..etc,  will be longing for used car and fast food ads.  If they aren’t already.

The conventions are over.  Which means real fans of  hot air have to go back to the Weather Channel.

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To combine phrases from Joe Biden and Barack Obama, these days a sentence for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan is “a noun, a verb, and a tax cut.”

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Bill Clinton was magic Thursday night.    On the other hand,  he reminds many women of a charismatic but narcissistic ex-boyfriend.  You see him again after years and you remember why he was so dazzling.  But if he were to stick around full-time you’d probably remember why you got tired of his act.

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While it was a great speech, Bill Clinton did forget to thank Barack Obama for his favorite first-term accomplishment – having Hillary on the road for 351 days already as of July, 2012.

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After John Kerry mentioned her in a speech, Sarah Palin said she was surprised he knew her name. Interesting comment from a politician whose PR machine rivals the Kardashians.

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Bobby Valentine said in an interview that his first season in Boston has been “miserable.” Not half as miserable as for Red Sox fans who’ve paid money to watch it.

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Details, details… A new GOP ad has a frustrated former Obama supporter saying how disappointed she is. Only issue, the woman actually works for the RNC. (A big deal? Maybe, maybe not, but can you imagine if a Dem ad used a staffer who claimed she used to be pro-Romney?)

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After a report saying that 40-60% of Oregon football players smoked pot, the University is implementing random drug testing of all athletes. Got to love it, suspensions from the team start with the THIRD offense.

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A new toll road near Austin, Texas, will have a speed limit of 85 mph. Wonder how fast people can text while driving it.

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Mitt Romney said he wasn’t going to watch President Obama’s speech. Makes a certain amount of sense, he already had his rebuttal ready.

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A serious thought  – “We don’t believe government can solve all our problems, but we don’t believe government is the source of all our problems.” Nicely said, Mr. President.

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From Marc Ragovin:  Art Modell has died. For those too young to know who he was, he was the white, Jewish, Lebron James.

Love and marriage

May 4, 2012

Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn’t even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage.

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Chris Harrison, the host of TV’s “Bachelor/Bachelorette” has split from his wife of 19 years. Wow, if anyone is an expert on the grass not being greener…

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Chris Bosh was  uncertain for the Heat’s game 3 against the Knicks as his wife gave birth to a son early Thursday morning. Shocking. An NBA player had a baby with his WIFE?

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Michele Bachmann endorsed Mitt Romney on Thursday. Guess Michele’s trying to prove that even though she didn’t get the nomination, she’s still capable of making those tough decisions

Mariano Rivera has sustained a knee injury and could be out for the season. From all accounts he’s a nice guy. Still, “What bad luck, I’d hate to see that keep them out of the playoffs,” said no one who isn’t a Yankees fan.

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Snooki has called the “tanorexic” mother crazy for putting her five year old daughter in a tanning booth. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the carrot calling the pumpkin orange.

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A shareholder discovered that new Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson lied about having a bachelor’s degree in computer science. Wonder if he found the information on Google.

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The number of people seeking unemployment benefits fell last week by the most in nearly a year, which economists say is a hopeful sign that hiring could pick up in coming months. Think it’s time for another look at Obama’s birth certificate.

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Jeremy Lin said about his knee that “It doesn’t look good for game 4.”    Neither do the Knicks.

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Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, is now expecting an (unplanned) daughter with his current girlfriend. He says they plan to name her “”Breeze Beretta.” — Beretta “like the gun.” To quote Church Lady “Well, isn’t that special.”

(My friend Michael M. adds “One more of those and Levi could get a job in the NBA.”)

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Notre Dame QB Tommy Rees, 19, is in jail following his arrest for resisting police, felony battery to law enforcement, and public intoxication following a confrontation with police during a party last night. Insert “Fighting Irish” joke here:

Not so Secret Service?

April 19, 2012

All these folks accusing the Secret Service of Clinton-like behavior…. Get real, Bill never needed to pay for it.

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Is the Secret Service scandal embarrassing? Heck yes. But as noted on their website “Secret Service special agents spend their first 6 to 8 years on the job assigned to a field office. After their field experience, agents usually are transferred to a protective detail where they will stay for 3 to 5 years.” Means Obama admin. didn’t hire these dudes. It’s not a political issue, it’s a stupidity issue…

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And for those who say, “Who cares what these guys do after hours?” Well, leaving aside blackmail possibilities, remember, or Google, the “Profumo affair.”

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For that rare trivia overlap between baseball and hockey. how about the Senators-Rangers series? Because the 1961 Washington Senators actually are now the Texas Rangers. (You could look it up.)

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Mitt Romney said today he would “strengthen fellow Americans because I believe very fundamentally remaining a shining city on a hill.” So that’s Nixon and Reagan in one sentence, how did he leave out “Thousand points of light” and “Is our children learning?”

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John Edwards, infamous for his $400 haircuts, may not be as wealthy as he used to be. According to the New York Post, Edwards is now going to Supercuts for $12.95 trims. What a shame, said absolutely no one.

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For the 100th anniversary of Fenway Park on Friday the Yankees will wear uniforms modeled after their 1912 uniforms as the New York Highlanders. Curiously enough, 1912 might also have been the last year the Yankees’ payroll was under $100 million.

(t’s a shame that the Red Sox aren’t playing the Rockies. Moyer probably can still fit into his 1912 uniform.)

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Ah, who’s to stay the NCAA doesn’t crack down on the premier programs. They just announced the Toledo men’s basketball team will be banned from next year’s postseason because of past academic problems. The Toledo Rockets were last in the NCAA tournament in 1980.

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Now that Rick Santorum is out of the Presidential race, guess we won’t hear him pronounce that having men in the Secret Service obviously leads to “compromising situations?

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Mitt Romney said he’d “clean house” in the Secret Service and suggested a “lack of leadership” led to the scandal. But Mitt also said he has confidence in Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan. Can’t imagine how Romney gets the reputation for wanting to have it both ways.

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A group is suing ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” saying that in 10 years the programs have never had a person of color as the featured person looking for love on air. Hmm. Discrimination? Or just another example helping to shatter the myth of white intellectual superiority.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An article appeared in Ben Maller’s blog entitled ‘How The One Percent Dines at Sporting Events’. Included–they pool their money for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium”

We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

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What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

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Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

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President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

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The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

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Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

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Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

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Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

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Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/slopers_creamy_river_lcaxb1lj4D0SHqo4f2K3GO) And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

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As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

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Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

Random access.

January 27, 2012

During tonight’s debate, Newt Gingrich gushed over Callista, that she was artistic and “played the French horn.” Was he saying she’s musical, or was that a euphemism for her talents that convinced him to make her his third wife?

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Not voting for Ron Paul. But kudos to him for the best debate line of the night: “I don’t think we should go to the moon; I think we should send some politicians up there.”

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Well it WAS a good story. Yale QB Patrick Witt said he decided not to interview for a Rhodes scholarship in order to prepare for the Harvard-Yale game. Except that the NY Times reports the Rhodes Trust had already suspended Witt’s candidacy because it learned that a female student had accused the QB of sexual assault in Sept….. (Sounds like Patrick has a future in politics.)

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These debates are getting old. Here’s an idea, since both Romney and Gingrich have each switched several positions and remade their own histories, let’s do two solo acts – i.e. give them both a chance to debate themselves.

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Not trying to be appear like a California wine snob but…. was thrown for a loop by Liberty Creek wines at Walgreen’s, on sale for $4.99 for 1.5 litres today. Not so much the first two varietals (Cabernet Sauvignon and Chardonnay) but the third -”Sweet Red.”

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After the SF 49ers were eliminated, Michael Crabtree, who was basically AWOL in the playoffs, suggested that Alex Smith didn’t give him enough chances – “All I do is run routes When you don’t get that many opportunities, it’s hard to talk.” Wow. Sounds like Crabtree really does want to be the next Terrell Owens.

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President Obama is downplaying his public tiff with Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer and said she may have been seeking out attention. Ya think? Even Sarah Palin is probably privately referring to Brewer as a “media whore.”

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Hillary Clinton said again that she is stepping down as Secretary of State after Obama’s first term. Bill Clinton immediately asked the President to consider him for an foreign ambassadorship.

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The Museum of London is currently displaying a newly found coin, believed to be a “brothel token” in circulation in London during the 1st century AD. Wonder if it was lost on vacation by a young Larry King?

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Some conservative pundits are cheering Jan Brewer’s waving her finger at President Obama. Wonder what they would have said if a Democratic governor had done that to President George W. Bush?

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Pat Sajak says he and Vanna White used to take margarita breaks in the early days of “Wheel of Fortune.” Which is surprising. I’ve always thought they gave the margaritas to the contestants to get them to jump up and down and shriek like they do.

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Newt Gingrich is ragging on Mitt Romney today as a guy “who has Swiss bank accounts, Cayman Island accounts, owns shares of Goldman Sachs….” Harsh words from a man with a $500,000 credit account at Tiffany’s.

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Josh Garnett, #15 on the Sporting News high school prospect list (guard or tackle) was quoted last year – ““To land my commitment, the school is going to need to have a great school legacy of football, great players and coaches … and a great bioengineering program.” Today he chose Stanford.

(In the SEC, coaches are saying, “Hey, some of our players can spell bioengineering.”)

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Taco Bell is rolling out a new breakfast menu. But haven’t most people in their younger years already done Taco Bell for breakfast? Usually about 230a.
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It could be worse.

August 31, 2011

When the SF Giants lost a number of close games on a recent road trip, some fans said, “Cheer up, it could be worse. And the team is coming home to play the Astros and Cubs, two of the worst teams in baseball.”

They were right. It could be worse. And it is worse.

When the Arizona Diamondbacks were in a slump, manager Kirk Gibson cancelled batting practice. Maybe the SF Giants should try the same thing. Not like the batting practice is helping anyway.

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How bad are things going for the SF Giants this month? Their fans are getting sympathy cards postmarked from Wrigley Field.

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Scary statistic for SF Giants fans. Carlos Beltran since the trade has 4 RBIs total. Shortstop Brandon Crawford, now back in the minors, did that his first day in the majors with a grand slam.

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An SF Giants employee was charged with embezzling $1.5 million from team payroll accounts. Apparently the team frowns on taking money without earning it. Unless you signed a free agent contract.

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These days opposing pitchers worry about facing the Giants the way the Lions worried about facing Christians.

The NCAA has punished current University of Miami football players implicated in the benefits scandal. They were all ordered to repay the improper benefits, but four were cleared to play, and four others must just sit out the first game against Maryland. No word on on what kind of ruler the NCAA used to slap the players’ wrists.
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Jeremy Shockey apparently saved one of his new Carolina Panthers teammates from choking today. Shame he couldn’t have saved the Saints last year from choking in the playoffs against the Seahawks.

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Bill Littlejohn’s take on the same story: “Jeremy Shocky helped save a teammate that was choking on a piece of meat by dislodging it from his throat. Bruce Bochy immediately sent for him to perform the same maneuver on Giants’ bats”
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Despite being bashed by Dick Cheney in his memoirs, John McCain took the high road and “From time to time, we have had differences, as is typical for anyone in public life. I wish the Vice President well and that he remains in good health.” (Rumor has it McCain then quietly added “It’s amazing that modern medicine allows for people to live now without either a heart or a brain.”)

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With Texas A & M apparently on the way out of the Big 12, the conference will be looking for new members. If they want a team whose talent level would fit in well, may I suggest the SF 49ers?

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Organizers for a tea party rally in Iowa Tuesday blamed an
“internal miscommunication over the event’s schedule” resulting in their rescinding a speaking slot Tuesday for former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. The organizers also blamed random chance for two of them discovering they had been turned into toads.

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Now that the rape charges against him have been dropped, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who always maintained he was simply a scumbag, not a rapist, is considering a run for the Presidency of France. And some are not ruling him out. Meanwhile, the French may be getting a dual citizenship request, from Bill Clinton.

Tim Pawlenty apparently quit the GOP Presidential race after the Iowa straw poll because his campaign was already heavily in debt. Over six months before the primaries even started. And T-Paw was running as someone who could fix the U.S economy and balance the budget…..


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