Posted tagged ‘Clemens jokes’

Can we handle the truth?

January 12, 2013

USA Today says that Lance Armstrong will admit to doping in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. What’s Oprah’s next scoop…getting Joan Rivers to admit she’s had work done?

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Kobe Bryant and his estranged wife Vanessa have reconciled. Men want the name of Kobe’s lawyer. Women want the name of his jeweler.

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Okay, so he was talking about the struggles of the Lakers vs. those of the Heat.   But Lebron James’ direct quote was “No one will ever be able to compare to what we went through.” Proving that color is no barrier to “white people problems”

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Anyone but me have a problem with the NRA’s plan to arm people that many of their constituency consider union thugs?

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Three juniors from Alabama have announced they will leave school early to enter the NFL Draft. It’s not just the money, the players figure football will be much less stressful without worrying about not going to class.

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.The Dallas Cowboys have hired Monte Kiffin as their defensive coordinator. USC Trojans fans are just hoping Monte will try to bring his son with him.

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In the Ohio House, Rep. Peter Beck faces an ethics investigation due to a civil lawsuit alleging he participated in a fraud that cheated investors out of more than $1 million. But Speaker William Batchelder still appointed King chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Guess this translates, “If you have the Means, we will find a Way.”

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You can’t make this stuff up: Airline traveler asks if he can have an exit row seat for his mother as she has a hard time moving around and needs the legroom.

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Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey, an OB-GYN, said Todd Akin was “partly right” when he said women’s bodies can avoid pregnancy in cases of “legitimate rape,” because adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate. Forget this women’s bodies shutting down stuff, what can we do to get some men’s mouths to shut down?

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After the HOF vote Roger Clemens tweeted that he wasn’t “overly surprised” but thanking his supporters and ending the statement “Muchie Peachie.” “Muchie Peachie?!” OK, steroids don’t just shrink your testicles, they turn you into a 10 yr old girl.

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For $100, Facebook users can send a message to Mark Zuckerberg’s inbox. Wonder how much they charge to have him read it?

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Phil Jackson said the Lakers might have a “come to Jesus moment” to make the playoffs. Maybe, but more like a Jesus moment involving Lazarus.

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Anyone needing a reason to try turning into “Nashville” on Wednesday nights, try this line, when one singer accuses another of hating her -“”I only hate sunburns and hangovers, this is just business.”

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Nate Silver is now predicting the Seattle Seahawks will make the Super Bowl. Of course real brilliance would have been to make that prediction in September.

Staggering into the weekend.

May 26, 2012

The  Roger Clemens (second) trial has now dragged on over six weeks. Six weeks?! That’s longer than the 2012 Cubs stayed in playoff contention.

 

Ask and ye shall receive: A passenger on a Brazilian airline reportedly stood up just before the plane was due to take off and shouted, “Someone should have told me the captain was a woman. I’m not flying with a female at the controls.” So the pilot, who was indeed a woman, kicked him off the plane.

 

A new book about President Obama coming out in June is getting buzz for apparently talking about his marijuana use. Uh, doesn’t anyone remind the 2008 campaign? When Barack said “Yes, I inhaled, when I was a kid that was the point.”

 

(How about a book about how Mitt Romney managed to get through the 60s and 70s without smoking or inhaling?)

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Another game,  another inning with a crooked number for Tim Lincecum in the SF Giants 7-6 loss. (for non-baseball fans a “crooked number” is a large number of  runs scored, 3,4,5,6 –  1 and 2 are not simple and not “crooked” numbers.)

Beginning to think that maybe Lincecum used to smoke his PED.

 

 

Dwight Howard said he had nothing to do with the firing of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.

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Shaquille O’Neal said he is staying put as an NBA television analyst. Although he says he was “clearly intrigued” by the Orlando Magic GM jobs. Yes, well most Americans do find train wrecks intriguing.

 

 

ESPN has contracted to keep showing the July 4 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. The contest pulled a 1.3% rating last year. Coincidentally, that might be about the same average rating for the Stanley Cup between the Kings and the Devils.

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Mitt Romney said in an interview that the fallout from the comment “I like being able to fire people” made him “try and be a little more careful in what I say.” So he still likes firing people, but now he knows not to say it.

 

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From Gary M, about my line on the Boxford, Massachusetts herd of cows that got loose and wandered into a backyard and started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers:   “Ya sure they weren’t in the Red Sox bullpen?

The best part of waking up?

May 17, 2012

A new study says that people who drink two to three cups of coffee a day may live longer. And those who have their coffee in the morning are also presumably less likely to kill their family and coworkers.

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A 6’6″ and 350 lb Wisconsin man is picketing an “all-you-can-eat” restaurant who he said cut him off after a dozen pieces of fish.   6’6″, 350 lbs?   Well, if nothing else, sounds like walking around with a sign might be good for his health.

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Reporters,(including one from that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal) complained that they were physically restrained today at a public Florida event from asking questions of Mitt Romney. A Romney spokeswoman said “an error had been made.” Right. Next time they won’t give the press advance warning.

 

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From my friend Gary Bachman:  Texting while walking has been banned in a Fort Lee, New Jersey. The law was enacted after Gov. Chris Christie visited the town and was involved in an accident. He was texting while walking and did considerable damage to a Mini Cooper.

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Random thought about this Clemens steroid trial. Who’d a thunk one of the most honest men in baseball might turn out to be Jose Canseco.

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John Edwards’ lawyers rested their defense, without calling their client to the stand. Okay, if you’re a lawyer, and your own lawyers think you’re now too unlikeable to help your own cause, you might really be a scumbag.

 

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NBA says they will not suspend or fine the Heat’s Dwyane Wade for his flaqrant foul on the Pacers’ Darren Collison. Their rational can be found in the rulebook under the “Superstars do not commit flagrant fouls” section.

 

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Meanwhile, Lebron James said that with Chris Bosh out it was a “lot more taxing being in there with bigger guys.” “Wow, that sounds rough, I feel for you,” said no one outside South Florida.”

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Lindsay Lohan made a cameo on “Glee” last night as a guest judge for the nationals singing competition. Good casting choice. How many other 25 year olds would make the cast of Glee -many of them her age – look so young by comparison?

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Skechers will pay a $40 million settlement after the FTC said their advertising misled consumers into thinking their “Shape Up” and “Tone Up” shoes would give them a figure like Kim Kardashian’s without “setting foot in a gym.” Well, anyone who believed the claim probably at least matches Kim in intelligence if not figure.

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A thought about this evidence that George Zimmerman showed signs of injuries from a fight the day after he shot Trayvon Martin: This case is for a jury to decide, but one thing is sure – no one would have been hurt if George had just obeyed the dispatcher who told him not to follow Trayvon in the first place.

Stumbling into the weekend…

August 21, 2010

More injury news from Boston: Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia went on the DL with an infection in his right leg, the fourth catcher alone on the team to be injured. And second man Dustin Pedroia has soreness in the same foot he broke earlier in the year. If this keeps up, they’ll have to rename the team “The Red Cross Sox.”

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It’s been a tough year for Red Sox fans with so many of their starters are hurt. And a rough year for Mets fans because their starters are healthy.

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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is still dealing with fallout from his profanity laced tirade on Hard Knocks. Guess no one around the Jets had heard that much swearing since fans watched Brett Favre was around throwing all those interceptions.

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From Bill Littlejohn.

“Jets coach Rex Ryan met with Tony Dungy in a ‘man to man talk’ over Ryan’s use of profanity on ‘Hard Knocks’. Isn’t this kind of the football equivalent of Gandhi meeting with Andrew Dice Clay”

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A 20 year old was inspired to climb up on a railing while waiting for the Tower of Terror ride at Disney’s California Adventure. He fell 25 feet and was taken to the hospital with minor injuries. A police spokesman said “there are some indications that the man had been drinking.” Yes, and there are some indications Brett Favre is a drama queen.

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from Marc Ragovin:

When someone asked Roger Clemens’ lawyer what his client’s strategy would be, his alleged response “First get the case moved to Chicago.”

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Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle apparently was once involved in a campaign against a local high school’s use of black football jerseys. During which she said the black uniforms were ungodly and wicked. After last year’s Super Bowl, she’d probably get some votes now from Indianapolis Colts fans.

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A USA Today sportswriter said that the T.O-Ochocinco pairing is either a “dynamic combination” or an implosion waiting to happen. Strikes me that’s not an either/or proposition.


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