Posted tagged ‘Christie jokes’

Stupid beyond a shadow of a doubt.

February 2, 2015

No word on when Spring is coming in Seattle. Punxsutawney Phil is still cowering in his burrow with a headache.

No doubt some Seahawks players and fans feel God let them down Sunday. But to paraphrase an old joke, if God cared at all He/She is probably saying. “Look, I gave you 2 Brady interceptions, 1 miracle catch, and three downs to win it with the best running back in the NFL, what more did you want?”

Seahawks offensive coordinator Darrell Bevells said they threw on 2nd and goal because “We were conscious of how much time was on the clock and we wanted to use it all.” Uh, except if the pass had been caught for a TD Seattle would have given Brady the ball back with 20 something seconds left. ‪#‎baddecisionANDbadmath‬

So for all those who wondered how the NFL would grab headlines after the Super Bowl, congrats to all who had “Johnny Manziel entering rehab” in the pool.

 

Former NFL star Warren Sapp was fired by the NFL Network after he was arrested for soliciting prostitution and two counts of misdemeanor assault after the Super Bowl. Two women who were also cited allegedly told police an argument started over money. When will they ever learn? ALWAYS pay your mistresses and your hookers. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So, I’m dating myself, but can’t help thinking that that the best headline for this week’s storm would be “Linus blankets Northeast.”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Is Pete Carroll’s Internet alias “Clueless in Seattle?”

 

Sammy Fong says “See, this is what happens when you legalize marijuana in your state!”

A Texas elementary school suspended a 9-year-old boy for making “terroristic threats” after he told a classmate he could make him disappear with a magic ring like the one in the Hobbit movie. Silly boy. It’s Texas. If he had just threatened the classmate with a gun he’d have gotten off with a warning.

You can get odds on Tiger Woods winning this week’s Farmers Insurance Open at 50-1 in Las Vegas. And it’s still probably a bad bet.

The Baltimore Ravens released DT Terrence Cody today after he was indicted on 15 charges, including two felony counts of aggravated animal cruelty, after his dog died. (The charges also included illegally owning an alligator.) Not sure exactly what happened, but with the league’s heightened awareness after Michael Vick, seems like anyone risking these charges with animals should be cut for stupidity if nothing else.

A 3-year-old boy shot his both his father and pregnant mother in an Albuquerque, NM hotel room this weekend. His parents will survive, his mother is still in the hospital. If only the fetus had been armed..

Way too young, former MLB player Dave Bergman has passed away at 61. Hope someone is warning players in heaven’s softball league about that hidden ball trick.

Chris Christie today was asked about the measles outbreak, and said, while he and his wife vaccinated their kids, “I also understand that parents need to have some measure of choice in things as well. So that’s the balance that the government has to decide.” Yep, the NJ govenor is not only running for President, he’s jockeying hard for the “stupid” vote.

Not enough hot air?

January 22, 2015

The “deflate-gate” story is getting more and more media coverage. If this keeps up, God may not be rooting for the Seahawks, but Roger Goodell and the NFL sure will.

Andrew Luck, asked about losing the AFC Championship game. “You do feel deflated.” Now Andrew is a nice young man and apparently felt embarrassed when he realized what he said. But Luck does have a free pass on the bus to hell if he wants one.

So deflated footballs are easier for quarterbacks to handle? Maybe this explains why Jerry Jones wanted Chris Christie as a lucky charm at Dallas games…. he just wanted the NJ Governor to sit on the team’s balls.

 

As if most Americans weren’t already sad to see Seattle instead of Green Bay in the Super Bowl, here’s Aaron Rodgers, when asked if losing a game like last week’s shakes his faith: “I don’t think God cares a whole lot about the outcome. He cares about the people involved, but I don’t think he’s a big football fan.”

(besides, we all know, God prefers baseball.)

 

Even casual football fans now know that the amount of air in a ball makes a difference. One of the few deflating offenders caught in the past? USC , who was fined $25,000, under then coach Lane Kiffin in 2012.  Yep, the same Kiffin who is now under consideration to be the 49ers offensive coordinator.  So the circus may really be coming to San Francisco.

A new study has found that people of drink four or more cups of coffee a day have a 20 percent less chance of getting malignant melanoma skin cancer. Maybe due to the antioxidants. Or maybe due to the fact that anyone drinking that much coffee won’t be able to sit still in the sun for long.

Now Joe Biden says he might run for President in 2016. Seems reasonable. Why should late-night talk show hosts just have fun with the GOP side?

 

Chelsea Clinton, talking about her baby girl – “I read her the world news every morning.” Well, of course, how else will Charlotte be prepared in 2060 to run for President?

 

Former NY Jets QB coach David Lee said that Geno Smith’s inconsistency “is what killed us.” Right, because the Jets did so much better with Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow.

A password management company has found that Americans have wised up and that “password” is no longer the most commonly used password in the U.S. It has, however, been replaced by “123456.” Maybe such users should consider another six character password – “Darwin.”

PGA golfer Robert Allenby said he was kidnapped, beaten and robbed in Honolulu. But now witnesses say they just saw him passed out drunk on a sidewalk. Even Tiger Woods is thinking, “Dude, you couldn’t come up with a better story?”

Why there is no satire. Thanks to my friend Laura for this line from the AP, note, not the Onion, the AP: “ORLANDO, Florida — A trial to determine whether U.S. Rep. Alan Grayson’s wife committed bigamy when she wed the congressman has been delayed because she required emergency surgery to remove breast implants.”

 

 

From T.C.  Mah husband cannot throw the f***ing ball and blow it up too – Gisele Bundchen

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

 

Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Two wrongs make a ?????

January 11, 2014

So because some baseball writers think some players made a mockery of the game, they made a mockery of the HOF voting? #growthef*ckup

So will #ChrisChristie‘s 2016 Presidential Campaign song be “Troubled Bridge Over Water?”

Some in the GOP are having a hard time knowing how to deal with this Chris Christie bridge scandal. Sure, it looks bad, but it’s not like the New Jersey Governor did something really awful, like appearing again in public with President Obama.

Indianapolis punter Pat McAfee says the Colts justifiably fined him for his locker room tweet that inadvertently showed Andrew Luck nearly naked. McAfee has apologized repeatedly and says that Luck has been great about it. Makes sense. Andrew is a cool guy, and in any case, his butt looks less embarrassing than his beard.

What’s scarier? That Target now says their data breach may have affected 110 million customers, instead of the original 40 million? Or the other stores with data breaches we don’t know about yet?

The NFL now says New Orleans CB Keenan Lewis violated “concussion protocol” by returning to the Saints sideline, although he did not go back on the field after his concussion in last weekend’s game. No fine imposed. Although no doubt had Lewis put an unauthorized hat on to stay warm it would have been $50k.

Most amazing thing about “Bridgegate” Now when most people think of the most embarrassing story to come out of New Jersey, it won’t even include Snooki.

Sarah Palin says her new show, Amazing America, on the Sportsman Channel, won’t be political, although she says she IS interested in promoting freedom of speech and gun owners’ rights. So I guess Sarah’s definition of non-political is talking about anything she believes in.

Alabama has appointed Lane Kiffin their offensive coordinator. Good news. For the rest of the SEC.

Be careful what you wish for. No doubt some people in New Jersey were thinking just last week that they were hoping that media would quit focusing on their state only for potential Super Bowl weather problems.

French President Francois Hollande, who is not married but has a long-time partner, is threatening legal action over a Closer magazine story saying he is having an affair. Wouldn’t it be a bigger story if a French President DIDN’T have a mistress?

The Unholy Trinity at CVS: Christmas clearance candy next to Valentine’s Day candy. And yes you got it, some actual Easter candy.

A-Rod and a reel. Or a not-so-real?

July 31, 2013

Alex Rodriguez says he would still like to be a “role model.” Would he settle for being a cautionary tale?

Archaeologists said yesterday they found a new coffin-within-a-coffin in the central England parking lot where the skeleton of King Richard III was discovered. The remains are yet unidentified. Maybe an ancestor of Jimmy Hoffa?

 

Chris Christie criticized Rand Paul for bringing home pork barrel money to Kentucky, whereupon Paul responded that this was “the king of bacon talking about bacon.” President Obama hasn’t had this much fun since the GOP presidential primaries.

Oscar “Ossie” Schectman, who scored the first basket in NBA history, died today at the age of 94. Wonder if he scored his own first basket in a pickup game against Greg Oden.

Bad news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now a LA Dodger. Good news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now an LA Dodger

My Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein suggests that Brian Wilson might want to live on Venice Beach now. Not so sure, the man lives to stand out from the crowd – in Venice most of his get-ups would barely warrant a second look.

 

Eliot Spitzer says he is not supporting Anthony Weiner for Mayor. Well, probably shouldn’t have expected the pot to vote for the kettle.

U.S. Border agents found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s bus as it crossed from Windsor, Canada into Detroit. Beginning to look like this young man is as smart as he is talented.

A man survived driving his car off a 40 foot cliff in San Diego. Wonder if his last tweet before the crash was “Damn this road is steeeeeeeeeep.”

Meanwhile in sadder news.  But still a Darwin award Texas A&M football player Polo Manukainiu was killed with two friends in a car accident where police believe he fell asleep at the wheel. His last tweet “22 hour drive back to Texas on no sleep – oh my.”

I know these online deals like “Groupon” are becoming a “thing.” But really, would anyone seriously want half-price Botox injected into their face? Kind of like day-old sushi.

Carlos Hyde, Ohio State’s top RB, was suspended for “at least” three games after a assault charge was dismissed because the alleged victim declined to press charges. The Buckeyes’ star will miss games against Buffalo, San Diego State, and Cal. If Hyde misbehaves again Urban Meyer will slap his other hand REALLY hard.

Anthony Weiner in a new ad – “Quit isn’t the way we roll.” Really? Even Brett Favre is saying “Give it up already.”

Executive privilege?

June 2, 2011

NJ Governor Chris Christie is under fire for using a state police helicopter to get from his son’s baseball game in Montvale, N.J. to Princeton. Good thing Arnold Schwarzenegger used his own jet, heaven knows how many baseball games and sons the former California governor might have had.

The Bruins were 0-6 with a man advantage tonight in their 1-0 loss to the Canucks Wednesday night. So maybe instead of calling it a “power play”, Boston should call it a “brownout” play.

The space shuttle Endeavour landed safely this morning and is now retired. Although NASA got a call from Brett Favre about the possibility of being a civilian passenger on the next flight.

The parents of “balloon boy” are prohibited by their probation terms from making money off their story until 2013. But the couple said they will auction off the helium balloon they claimed their son floated away in to raise money for earthquake and tsunami relief in Japan. With all due respect, if it got them publicity, I think these two would auction off their son.

A survey by a British travel agency says that while the average woman packs ten pairs of underwear for a one week trip, the average man packs three. I guess for men that means two pairs for emergencies

According to the AP, Snooki had her international driver’s license revoked in Italy after she rear-ended her police escort and slightly injured two policemen. Just one question – who the heck gave Snooki an international driver’s license?

(As my friend Tim says “who gave her a passport?”)

A terminal at New Jersey’s Newark Airport was briefly evacuated by authorities tonight while they investigated a suspicious package. Anthony Weiner immediately issued a statement calling the incident a prank, but said he could not confirm that the package wasn’t his.

Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor is already suspended for selling memorabilia, and under investigation for possibly illegal benefits involving cars. Now Pryor has been seen driving a Nissan 350-Z around Columbus, despite a suspended driver’s license. Well, on the bright side, with these antics, Terrelle’s well on his way to being a first round draft pick for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Shaquille O’Neal has announced his retirement, apparently because injuries won’t let him continue to play at a serious NBA level. Which doesn’t rule out him getting an offer from the Washington Wizards.

A group of 100 eighth grade students from Pennsylvania went on a field trip to Baltimore. They had to split into smaller groups for lunch, and apparently about 15-20 of them going to Hooters. Well, it’s good to see that parents who chaperone now include fathers.

Paris Hilton was interviewed by CNN’s Piers Morgan and called the her sex tape “the most embarrassing humiliating thing.” Well, except for her new show “The World According to Paris.”

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim had their plane make an emergency landing at Los Angeles International Airport, instead of Orange County airport 40 miles way.  The landing was due to a problem with the plane’s hydraulic system. Now, if something similar had happened to the Dodgers, it probably would have been from Frank McCourt not paying the fuel bill.


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