Posted tagged ‘Chris Christie jokes’

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How can we miss you if you won’t stay away?

May 7, 2013

So now that Mark Sanford has somehow been returned to Congress, how long until he makes his first “family values” speech?

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Another question about South Carolina’s newly re-elected Congressman: Given his his impeachment vote after Bill Clinton lied about HIS affair, how long until Mark Sanford votes to impeach himself?

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Sanford said Tuesday before the polls closed that the election was “in the Lord’s hands.” Right, God made him cheat and then put him on the path to redemption so he can go back to Washington and do things like defend traditional marriage.

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Chris Christie’s office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight, has undergone a “Lap-Band” procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to congratulate him Christie had to explain, “Uh Mr. President, that’s BAND, not DANCE.”

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Clarence Thomas said that Barack Obama was “approved by the elites.” Definition of elite – “A group of people considered to be the best in a particular society or category, esp. because of their power, talent, or wealth.” Well, that lets Thomas out.

 

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Turkish Airlines has banned female flight attendants from wearing red lipstick and nail polish. Wonder if anyone thought to extend the ban to male flight attendants?

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Alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes has decided to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. It would have been bigger news if his lawyers had tried to say he was sane.

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A 16 point lead with 4 minutes to play, and Golden State still lost to the San Antonio Spurs in double OT. That fall to earth was so fast maybe they should be renamed the Golden State Meteors.

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Linebacker Matthew Thomas wants Florida State to release him from his scholarship, because “I “didn’t make the decision I really wanted to on signing day.” Thomas now prefers Georgia or USC, saying “I just want to go have fun and play football.” Well, at least he’s not pretending it’s about an education..

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#TitusYoung, waived by the Detroit Lions in Feb, was arrested twice Sunday. Who knew Young wanted that badly to be picked up by the Bengals?

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Just with the barest details emerging about the alleged monsters who kept the three girls imprisoned for over a decade, one question comes to mind: Where’s a pressure cooker bomb when you need one?

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Bill Clinton today called speculation over whether Hillary would run for president in 2016 “the worst expenditure of our time.” Thinking to himself no doubt, “enough about her, let’s talk about me.”

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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson is now saying he’s “extremely happy” to have much-maligned QB Geno Smith. Well, he may have a point. If Smith is as big of a jerk as some rumors indicate, it might make Jets fans start seeing the bright side of Mark Sanchez.

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From  Bill Littlejohn: 

University of Texas pitcher Cory Knebel tried to help an anonymous teammate out with his team-mandated drug test by giving him his urine sample, but the results came back positive for Adderall.  Talk about a blown save.
 
 

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Class, nothing but class.

May 6, 2013

Chris Christie squished a spider in front of a group of 4th graders, saying “That’s one of the fun parts of being governor. Any bugs on your desk, you’re allowed to kill them and not get in trouble.” Except that the NJ Gov. is taking heat from PETA about it. Wonder how much bipartisan support Christie would get for squishing someone from PETA?

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Class, nothing but class. Reality TV star (if that’s not an oxymoron) Farrah Abraham tweeted that she was “not watching” her”Backdoor Teen Mom” sex tape. Wonder how long it will take before Abraham’s now three-year old daughter sees it….

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Lead Pastor David Loveless has resigned from the 4,000 member Discovery Church in Orlando, after admitting he had an affair. The Orlando Sentinel says he is the third pastor of a major area church to resign because of extra-marital sex in the last six months. Your move, Arizona.

(And as my friend Todd Harris adds, “Let me guess, they all think same sex marriage threatens the institution.”)

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Pfizer will start selling #Viagra online. So where’s the GOP conservative outrage over unmarried men possibly getting the little blue pills?  (And minor girls getting them for their older “friends”?)

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NRA V.P. Wayne LaPierre just said “How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?” And how many Bostonians who just had the misfortune to have been photographed carrying backpacks would have been shot?

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Fired Brooklyn Nets P.J. Carlesimo says it would have taken the team winning a championship to keep his job. “Get in line” responded every fired Cubs manager over the last century..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.

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A-Rod started his rehabilitation stint and says he hopes to be back in pinstripes after the All-Star break. And Yankees fans are thinking, “No worries, take all the years you need.”

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Celeste Grieg, who said in March that rapes rarely result in pregnancy, because the woman’s “body is traumatized”, was ousted, 84 to 78, as the leader of the Californian Republican Assembly. Not sure if this is a good sign that even a very conservative group has some limits, or a bad sign that 78 of them still support her.

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Helen Mirren, playing Elizabeth II in “The Audience” in London, left the theater in her Queen costume and makeup during intermission to yell at a group of street drummers. The troup was playing so loudly it was distracting theater goers inside.

Maybe we can get Dame Helen to come over and try this Queen act on theater cellphone users?

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Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.

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DE Armonty Bryant, arrested last October for selling $20 worth of marijuana to an undercover officer. thanked the Cleveland Browns for drafting him last week and said he would not let them down. Last night Bryant was arrested for DUI. Maybe that vow should have been a little more specific.

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After candy and Sandy?

October 31, 2012

On the day after Halloween  with so much devastation around the country it is important to remember one point – Problems will fade, but uneaten candy corn is forever.

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Some say President Obama needed a little more Bill Clinton in him this election season; it may turn out that he just needed a little more Chris Christie.

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More Chris Christie, in an interview with Fox News…. “I have a job to do here in New Jersey that is much bigger than presidential politics.” And if anyone knows “bigger”, it’s Chris Christie.

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Hey, some priorities are intact. Gov. Chris Christie, with a signed executive order, postponed Halloween festivities in New Jersey until Monday, Nov. 5. Not even Sandy stands in the way of the American child’s right to free candy.

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Maybe our neighbors to the  north they think he’s a comedian? Michael Brown, director of FEMA during Katrina, in an op-ed in Canada’s “Globe and Mail” newspaper: “Hurricane Sandy should teach us to be prepared, willing to live without the modern conveniences of elevators, computers and refrigerators. Hurricane Sandy should teach all of us to chill.”

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Lance Armstrong will become the latest celebrity to be burned in effigy Saturday during a English town’s Guy Fawkes’ Bonfire Night. And we thought Phillies fans were tough.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner:   “Obama campaign head David Axelrod:  ‘I’ll shave off my mustache if he loses Minnesota, Michigan, or Pennsylvania.’ Now let’s hopefully hear the same regarding Romney from Ann Coulter.”

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Nice twist of justice for Jerry Sandusky. Not only will he be housed on death row in prison, but also “all visits will be non-contact, meaning no touching is allowed.”

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SF Giants’ closer Sergio Romo, of Mexican descent, is wearing a t-shirt for the World Championship parade today. The phrase on the shirt? – “I only look illegal.”

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Eli Manning says he hopes that this weekend the Giants win and give those NY and NJ residents affected by Hurricane Sandy “a little break” and “a little joy.” By that standard it’s a good thing the NY Jets have a bye week.

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From Mark:   “Weird score of the night from English Premier League: Arsenal 7, Reading 5. To put that into perspective, Arsenal scores more in one soccer game that the Detroit Tigers did in an entire World Series.”

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This response to Mitt Romney’s ads in Ohio – “We’ve clearly entered some parallel universe during these last few days…. campaign politics at its cynical worst….” The liberal media? No, General Motors.

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In Idaho the daughter-in-law of the Senate Minority Leader is in stable condition after her husband accidentally shot her at the end of hunting trip. Does this mean the guy has aspirations to be vice president?

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The best of times, the worst of times.

August 30, 2012

Former Notre Dame RB Allen Pinkett, commenting on recent player suspensions, said “I’ve always felt like, to have a successful team, you have to have a few bad citizens on the team.” Proven by all those Super Bowl trophies won by the Cincinnati Bengals?

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Monday night in Tampa, NJ Governor Chris Christie called California Governor Jerry Brown “an old retread.” Guess we can see why Christie wasn’t asked to introduce John McCain.

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An interesting thing about Chris Christie’s speech last night. For the first 16 minutes he mentioned Mitt Romney as often as he mentioned George W. Bush.

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Okay, two days into the GOP convention I think I’ve got this: America is in deep trouble, except in states with Republican Governors where everything is wonderful.

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Class, nothing but class. T-shirt at Ohio State: “I’d rather shower at Penn State than cheer for the Wolverines.”

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Fox News cancelled all Sarah Palin’s scheduled interviews during the Republican convention. Can’t wait to see, once Palin finally gets airtime, to see her again slam the liberal media…. Oops, never mind.

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New York GM Brian Cashman said he wasn’t surprised when Melky Cabrera, who he traded, and Bartolo Colon, who he let go, failed drug tests. Makes sense, Cashman figures that he and the Yankees never make mistakes.

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Mitt Romney just insisted on Fox News that “there was no reduction — not one dollar reduction — in taxes by virtue of having an account in Switzerland or a Cayman Islands investment.” Uh, if so, why would a smart man have the accounts in the first place?

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Gosh, this is serious. Hurricane Isaac has now caused LSU to cancel practice for their football season opener Saturday. Against North Texas. That might put the spread under 50.

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It’s been two weeks since Melky Cabrera’s suspension. Wonder how many actual websites have sprung up selling REAL tainted supplements? To serve as an excuse for the next guy.

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TC wonders, was it Hurricane Isaac that got the GOP convention rescheduled to the 19th century.

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Mitt Romney is considering a trip to the Gulf Coast after the convention. Where presumably Mitt will tell them they can fix and rebuild everything themselves, without asking for wasteful federal government help?

 

(Actually, as an act of private charity, I hear Mitt may show up to rescue stranded pets, with his ready-made car roof carrier.)

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All these people saying what a bad hand Snooki’s poor baby got dealt. But it could have been worse for the kid, he could have been born to a Kardashian.

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NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith says players may actually strike over replacement referees. And Jets fans who’ve watched preseason games are thinking “Oh, please, oh please…”

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Hurricane Isaac’s winds are down to 50 mph.   Making the storm still more powerful than Barry Zito’s fastball.

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Waxed?

October 12, 2011

Just a thought, if Mitt Romney ever actually does win the Presidency… Fully expect Madame Tussaud’s to throw up their hands and say “Sorry, there is no way we can compete with reality here.”

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This thought inspired by a conversation with my friend Steven Harmon: If Admiral Stockdale was alive he would look at the GOP candidates on the debate stand tonight and ask “Who are they, what are they doing here?”

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Like Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani just announced he was not running for President. Unlike Christie, no one had asked Giuliani to run anyway.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie did endorse Romney Tuesday. Wonder if any editor will run this headline today “Christie throws weight behind Romney.”

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Herman Cain said before tonight’s GOP debate that he was going to take on Mitt Romney but added “I’m not going after Perry. I don’t need to go after Perry.” Translation, nothing I can add will be as damaging as what comes out of Rick Perry’s mouth.

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Herman Cain, who has become a darling of the Tea Party, also said “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself.” Uh, doesn’t that mean Obama’s off the hook?

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Lebron James is now talking about taking his talents to the NFL. Wait until someone tells him they also play four quarters.

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Theo Epstein is apparently about to bolt Boston for the Chicago Cubs. Well, now that he’s married with children it makes sense. The job comes with Octobers off.

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South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia has been dismissed from the team, after his fifth suspension. – this one due to his allegedly testing positive for marijuana and alcohol. Wonder how long until Garcia gets asked to work out for the Cincinnati Bengals.

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From Gary M. – Had Dr. Seuss chronicled the Broncos Sunday, he would’ve told us that Tebow got to play because: Orton Hears a Boo.

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Open note to all those ESPN types who were basically predicting a Texas ALCS sweep: If you guys paid any attention to teams beyond the Yankees and Red Sox, you might have noticed that a- Texas isn’t as good on the road, and b- Detroit has a pretty good team, including that Fister guy they picked up from Seattle….

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ESPN is advertising their first “Countdown to the BCS” Sunday night. Which will be, about HALFWAY through the college football season, the current rankings for BCS bowl games. Not sure of the order of the top teams at this point, but sure of one thing, anyone who makes this appointment TV is in serious need of a life.

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Tim Tebow apparently will be named the Broncos starter for their game after the bye week. Does this mean that God wants Tebow to be the Denver QB? Or does He/She really want to see Andrew Luck in a Broncos uniform?

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