Posted tagged ‘bracket jokes’

Missed it by just over two Pi much

March 22, 2014

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in a March Madness game: “MSU has to match the physicality of Harvard.”

 

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Watching MSU coach Tom Izzo being interviewed after his Spartans’ escape from Harvard tonight, have to figure that more than a few straight shots will be ordered at MSU’s hotel’s bar. #Waytoocloseforcomfort

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So sad watching some of these freshman stars when their teams are knocked out of March Madness. Why, they gave their schools some of the best months of their lives.

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55 to 53. Did Dayton just beat Syracuse in a bowl game they threw in when no one was looking?

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NY Jets QB Geno Smith says that the signing of Michael Vick is “awesome.” Makes sense, no matter how rocky Smith’s next season is, he still probably won’t be the most booed QB in town.

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Says something about insurance and lawyers in this country when the Allstate “world’s worst cleaning lady” commercial has the actor pretending to fall down the stairs backwards and they need to caption it “Demonstration only, do not attempt.”

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CBS March Madness announcer Andrew Catalon apologized to Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski, who is Polish born, after Catalon described OSU’s strategy of fouling Karnowski as “Hack-a-Polack.” Proving alas that even in the modern age, you don’t need Twitter to make a public a** of yourself.

(My friend Nate Coombs suggested what he SHOULD have called the strategy  – “Whack a Pole.”)

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Go figure. The SEC didn’t win the NCAA football championship, but could win the NCAA men’s basketball championship. Hope it’s not a sign of the apocalypse?

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Miami Heat have lost 7 of 11 games.   And they’re still 9 games up on the third place team in their conference. Although, to be fair, this year if the NBA East was in college football, their winner might not even be BCS Bowl eligible.

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Kristen Bell was lambasted on Fox News for tweeting “Sorry RNC -rich people SHOULD pay higher taxes because they can afford it. End. Of. Story. xo a rich person.” What happened to defending freedom of speech? Would it help if Kristen wore camouflage?

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CNN has now brought a psychic on air for her opinion on what happened to MH370. Real shame Paul the Octopus is no longer with us. #whatsnext

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Kansas State was assessed a technical foul yesterday, when a player dunked in warm-ups 19 minutes and 58 seconds before the game started. (No dunking is allowed within 20 minutes of tip-off.) Kentucky then got two pre-game free throws. Baseball fans’ reaction: “And they make fun of the balk rule?”

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The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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A satire site, the Daily Currant, posted that Sarah Palin said maybe Malaysian Air 370 “flew too high and ended up in heaven.” Be honest, how many people saw that and thought “Well she COULD have said it.”

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

Counting sheep, brackets, etc.

March 20, 2014

New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

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Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.

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#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA

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But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.

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Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game.  It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.

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Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.

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But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.

The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami

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NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.

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New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.

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The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.

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Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?

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Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.

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Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.

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The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.

Shockers?

March 23, 2013

Really, Wichita State?  You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?

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All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?

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Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?

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Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?

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Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.

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Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.

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San Francisco’s Archbishop,  Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage,  believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation.   If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?

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CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

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Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.

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The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!

 

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Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.

 

So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.

Boys will be boys. (And girls will try to be boys?).

March 20, 2012

The #3 seeded Miami Hurricanes’ women’s basketball team has suspended star senior guard Riquna Williams, for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Who said women’s basketball would never catch up to the men’s game?

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Meanwhile, in an overtime thriller, the Stanford men’s basketball team knocked off Illinois State to advance to the Sweet 16 of the NIT….. Yeah, okay, winning is great. But Sweet 16 of the NIT? Isn’t that an accomplishment on par with making it through the first round of the Bachelor. Or winning a straw poll in this year’s GOP primary?

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Peyton to the Broncos. Alex Smith talking to Miami. That might leave for S.F…. Tim Tebow To paraphrase an old joke, he could have 60,000 fans on their feet yelling “Jesus Christ.”

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Got email invite to follow John Kerry on Twitter, where the email adds “And hey, it’s a rare chance to see a United States Senator struggle to express thoughts in 140 characters or less!.” Well, it’s a safe bet we won’t be asked to follow Joe Biden.

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Yet another reason why those of us with XX chromosomes adore George Clooney. He had one phone call from jail, and when asked who he called, George replied “My mother. Some things never change.”

The Mets, facing a lawsuit demanding up to $1 billion, settled with the Madoff Madoff for $162M. $162 million? Why for the Yankees that’s a couple long-relievers and a utility infielder.

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Today in Illinois Rick Santorum said the issue in the presidential race is not the economy but an “oppressive government that’s taking away people’s freedom.” (Presumably he forgot to add, unless you are gay or a woman.)

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Spurned by Matt Flynn, Peyton Manning and maybe even Alex Smith, Miami has signed …. David Garrard. So this fall Dolphins fans can look forward to watchng Garrard make his debut at Chopped Liver Stadium.

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The Walt Disney Co. now says they will lose $200 million on “John Carter.” Wow. Does that mean there will be a movie-themed ride at Epcot?

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So does Peyton Manning’s decision mean the Broncos are the favorites to win the AFC, by a neck?

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New Orleans police have filed felony charges against Russell Brand for smashing a photographer’s iPhone last week. Brand says he intends to fight the charges. Wonder if prosecutors might accept a plea bargain if Brand promises to do the same thing in a few movie theaters and restaurants.

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A new bill in Tennessee would require the state to publish the names of each doctor who performs an abortion and the age, race, county, marital status, education level, # of children, and location of the woman having the procedure. Where’s the bill requiring similar information about men being treated for STDs?

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Headline about Demi Moore’s soon-to-be-ex signing up for Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flights -“”Ashton Kutcher heading into space.”

Uh, isn’t he already there?

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From catfish to grits to pancakes……Mitt Romney today stopped in a popular Illinois diner today, saying “I need only one thing from you this morning — no two,” Romney said. “#1, I need some pancakes, and #2, I need you to go vote” Anyone but me hoping someone in Louisiana might offer him a Hurricane without saying what’s in it?

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Quote from Joe Biden. And okay, this had to be his speechwriters because it’s so succinct. But a great Obama reelection bumper sticker nonetheless: “Osama Bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Think about it.”

Monday mourning brackets.

March 19, 2012

Anyone remember that Xavier-Cincinnati brawl back in December? Both teams now in the men’s Sweet Sixteen. Maybe the Pac 12 needs to schedule a few brawls.

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Actually there are four teams from Ohio left in the final Sweet Sixteen. Fans used to the Bengals, Brown, Cavaliers, Indians and Reds are thinking…..you mean we could actually win something?

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For the fourth time in their last five tournament appearances, Notre Dame (a 7 seed this year) lost to a double digit seed. Normally when Catholics are this embarrassed, priests are involved.

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On the other hand, there are 3 Pac 12 teams left in the NIT. Bringing up an interesting question -if you get an NIT championship banner do you hang it or use it to wipe down stuff in the locker room?

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The SF Giants’ Freddie Sanchez may start the season on the DL. Disappointing fans who hoped that on Opening Day he would be recovered and ready to be injured again.

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A recent Gallup poll shows only 35% percent of Republicans say they would enthusiastically support Romney in November. Not sure who’s more astonished, Mitt because he doesn’t understand why people don’t like him, or everyone else who can’t understand why 35% actually say they would vote enthusiastically for him.

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The President picked North Carolina to win it all in the NCAA men’s tournament. Now star Tar Heel point guard Kendall Marshall has a fractured wrist and may or may not be done for the tournament. Yep, once again, it’s clearly Obama’s fault.

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The wanna-be anti-education President in action again: Rick Santorum on ABC’s “This Week” referred to Puerto Rico as a “Spanish-speaking country.”

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Santorum then ended up with seven percent of the Puerto Rican vote. Wonder if he put it down to those “damned foreigners.”

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Give Mitt Romney credit. We’re into the second round of the NCAA’s and so far he’s avoided making any more embarrassing gaffes about being good friends with some of the team owners.

(my friend Bill D. says “Not so fast, maybe he owns a few schools.)

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What seemed less likely a year ago, the Dolphins inviting Alex Smith to Miami to talk? Or 49ers fans actually caring?

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Mitt Romney is attacking Obama on gas prices, and claims that the President only now advocates natural gas and increased U.S. oil drilling because of an “election-year conversion.” Well, if anyone’s an expert on conversions….

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Derek Jeter said he had a feeling that Andy Pettite, who just signed a minor league contract with the Yankees, wanted to end his retirement and pitch again. Maybe it was seeing Pettite wandering around in that Brett Favre jersey.

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Mario Mannngham, who signed with the San Francisco 49ers, tested positive for marijuana twice during his college days at Michigan. Wonder when Mario moves to Calfornia how long it will take him to get a prescription.

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Commie pinko thought about birth control: “We need to get off of that issue. In my view, I think we ought to respect the right of women to make choices in their lives and make that clear and to get back onto what the American people really care about — jobs and the economy.” Quote from that noted liberal Senator John McCain.

Dropping the balls

March 14, 2012

Syracuse star freshman Fab Melo has been ruled ineligible for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Gentlemen, start erasing your brackets.

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Iona blew a 25 point lead tonight in losing to BYU. Did they get their playbook from Mitt Romney?

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Barack Obama took U.K. Prime Minister to a play-in NCAA men’s basketball game tonight. Which Cameron said he enjoyed, although he originally thought “March Madness” referred to the Republican primaries.

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The Pac 12 has announced their next three conference tournaments will be in Las Vegas. Perfect. This way all those who bet on the NIT will have a chance to see their potential favorites up close and personal.

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Mitt Romney, in Southerner mode, talked about “Davy Crockett, who killed himself a bear, when he was only three.” Uh, Mitt, if you’re going to quote the song in the South it’s “kilt him a bar, when he was only three.”

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UCLA announced Tuesday that Ben Howland will remain on the job as men’s basketball coach. Translation, we’re already on the hook for paying him and who else would take over this mess?

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Anyone else think that “the Bachelor” Ben’s proposal to Courtney will turn out to be as lasting relevant long term as a vote for Rick Perry in the GOP primaries?

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A Delta jet was undergoing maintenance tests in Atlanta today when it rolled off a runway and down an embankment. Sounds like the tests went about as well as SATs go for SEC football players.

(actually the interesting question, apparently it was brake failure – but did the brakes fail, or did they fail to set the brakes.)

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Hyatt Hotels says that they will start installing new TV’s with internet capability in guest rooms, so guests can log into Facebook or email, or stream Netflix movies on their in-room screens. Great, this will mean one more thing in a hotel room besides the alarm clock I can’t figure out.

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A new bill in the California State Assembly proposes to ban violent fans from professional sporting events, although not from college and minor league games. Leaving aside the “how do they enforce it? question, have to wonder, why leave out a really scary group – some parents of Little Leaguers.

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Something airline passengers may not have heard before, the pilot asking “Is anyone allergic to penguins?” Two penguins flew on Delta today, in first class, from Atlanta to New York to attend the premiere of Discovery Channel’s “Frozen Planet.” No doubt they were better behaved than many children, and some adults.

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Rick Santorum is now accusing Fox News of “shilling” for Mitt Romney, and saying they don’t want him on their shows. Well, let’s see, MSNBC probably isn’t an option…but Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would love to have him.

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President Obama’s women’s bracket has Baylor, St. John’s, Connecticut and Notre Dame in the Final Four. He must not be fundraising anytime soon in Northern California.

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The Dow closed up over 200 points, to 13,177.68 today. This is bad continued unemployment news – for Mitt Romney.

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From T.C. Paraphrasing Canadian Golfer Dan Halldorson about the NIT Tournament. Winning this would be similar to getting a trophy for “Tallest Midget”.


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