Posted tagged ‘bracket jokes’

It’s clearly his fault….

March 19, 2015

Texas Southern – gone, SMU – gone, Texas – gone, Baylor – gone. Last time the state of Texas had a day this bad, the Alamo was involved.

Stephen F. Austin makes a strong showing but joins Thursday’s Texas ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ loss parade. How long will it take Ted Cruz to blame Obama?

So many upsets and busted brackets that with their lack of  productivity today, American office workers are being named honorary members of Congress. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

That stampeding sound you hear is every potential GOP Presidential candidate rushing to tell Iowans “I feel your pain.”

(UAB over Iowa State.)

Looking good for cat brackets. Georgia State is the Panthers. (Two most common reactions across America – “Georgia State has a Panther mascot?” “Georgia State has a team?”)

 

How many of their nine lives did ‪#Bearcats‬ use in beating ‪#‎Purdue‬?    And thus earning a beat down by Kentucky.

 

But really, Bearcats are  not real cats. But that last Cincinnati shot at the buzzer in regulation sure looked like voodoo was involved. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

It has been an absolute consensus that ‪#‎UCLA‬ did not belong in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬. Apparently neither did ‪#‎SMU‬
Getting into the NCAA tournament when with their record they belonged in the NIT, then winning on a disputed goal tending call on a 3-point shot. Well, maybe God IS a UCLA Bruin. Or maybe he/she REALLY doesn’t like that east coast bias.
Larry Brown says Kentucky could make the playoffs in the NBA East. Coach John Calipari is thinking “Make the playoffs in the East? That’s absurd. We should be at least a five seed.”
Liza Minnelli is back in rehab. At this point is she getting a frequent stay discount?
The SF Giants announced that Angel Pagan is having back issues, will need an injection, and will miss at least another three games. So congrats to everyone who had March 19 in the pool.
President Obama yesterday publicly mulled the idea of mandatory voting. Why go to the trouble of making it the law? Just give everyone who votes a lottery ticket…. The USA would be at 90% turnout in no time.
Israel PM Benjamin Netanyahu, after promising during his campaign that there would be no Palestinian state, today said “I don’t want a one-state solution. I want a sustainable, peaceful two-state solution…” So I guess he has more in common with American politicians than many of us thought.

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Throwing darts?

March 15, 2015

Amazing how many people who will wait until April 14, or file for extensions. with their taxes because they don’t have time, will spend most of this evening on their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets.

 

 

It’s late night on Selection Sunday and most Americans are hard at working trying to predict who’s going to end up in the finals losing to Kentucky.

As if we didn’t need more proof that sports is a young and fit person’s game, Georgia State won the Sun Belt championship today, which got them into the NCAA tournament. And coach Ron Hunter, while celebrating the win on the court, tore his ACL. (Somebody at the SF Giants guard Jeremy Affeldt if one of his underdog bracket teams wins.)

 

There were lots of disappointed bubble teams today on March Madness Selection Sunday. But based on their record, it should have been at least a ten seed for the NY Knicks

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Almost as much of a tradition as the ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ selection, is the bitching from teams who think they were one of the “first four out.” Right. Because they were denied a chance to get destroyed in the first round.

While much of the country is concerned about their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ seeding, here in the SF Bay Area fans of local teams were wondering if Stanford and Cal had a chance to meet in the ‪#‎NIT‬ finals.

(Alas, Cal ended up on the wrong side of the NIT bubble, and turned down a CBI bid. )

The ‪#‎NIT‬ selection committee has a sick sense of humor. #Stanford‬, the #2 seed, opens against ‪#‎UCDavis‬.

Blake Griffin is back after missing most of the last month with a right elbow injury. Although presumably the Clippers center will be careful now and only flop on his left side.

 

 

Al Rosen had a third of a page obituary in today’s NY Times. About half dedicated to his time with the Indians, most of the rest to his time as President of the Yankees, and two short lines total to his time as GM of the Astros and SF Giants. ‪#‎whateastcoastbias‬?

So now it comes out that Jeb Bush used personal email to discuss security and Middle East military issues while governor of Florida. And no doubt back and forth allegations will continue. At least we can all be grateful that neither JFK or Bill Clinton had the ability to email, nor worse, text, while in office….

 

Designers Dolce & Gabbana, said in an interview that they were against gay adoptions, but also “‘No chemical offsprings and rented uterus… And Dolce added “it must be an act of love… I call children of chemistry, synthetic children.”

Elton John has angrily called for a boycott of the brand. But leaving gay parenting out, guess D & G are so ignorant they don’t realize that the same heterosexual couples who can afford to buy their stuff are the same couples who can afford IVF and other high-priced fertility treatments. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, designer division.

Okay, I’ve got it, we can’t have a vote on attorney general nominee Loretta Lynch because Mitch McConnell won’t allow it. Until and unless the Senate passes a human trafficking bill, where the GOP has inserted anti-abortion language that Democrats act like they finally just read….And we wonder why Americans are turned off by politics.

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Missed it by just over two Pi much

March 22, 2014

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in a March Madness game: “MSU has to match the physicality of Harvard.”

 

Watching MSU coach Tom Izzo being interviewed after his Spartans’ escape from Harvard tonight, have to figure that more than a few straight shots will be ordered at MSU’s hotel’s bar. #Waytoocloseforcomfort

So sad watching some of these freshman stars when their teams are knocked out of March Madness. Why, they gave their schools some of the best months of their lives.

55 to 53. Did Dayton just beat Syracuse in a bowl game they threw in when no one was looking?

NY Jets QB Geno Smith says that the signing of Michael Vick is “awesome.” Makes sense, no matter how rocky Smith’s next season is, he still probably won’t be the most booed QB in town.

Says something about insurance and lawyers in this country when the Allstate “world’s worst cleaning lady” commercial has the actor pretending to fall down the stairs backwards and they need to caption it “Demonstration only, do not attempt.”

CBS March Madness announcer Andrew Catalon apologized to Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski, who is Polish born, after Catalon described OSU’s strategy of fouling Karnowski as “Hack-a-Polack.” Proving alas that even in the modern age, you don’t need Twitter to make a public a** of yourself.

(My friend Nate Coombs suggested what he SHOULD have called the strategy  – “Whack a Pole.”)

 

Go figure. The SEC didn’t win the NCAA football championship, but could win the NCAA men’s basketball championship. Hope it’s not a sign of the apocalypse?

Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Miami Heat have lost 7 of 11 games.   And they’re still 9 games up on the third place team in their conference. Although, to be fair, this year if the NBA East was in college football, their winner might not even be BCS Bowl eligible.

Kristen Bell was lambasted on Fox News for tweeting “Sorry RNC -rich people SHOULD pay higher taxes because they can afford it. End. Of. Story. xo a rich person.” What happened to defending freedom of speech? Would it help if Kristen wore camouflage?

CNN has now brought a psychic on air for her opinion on what happened to MH370. Real shame Paul the Octopus is no longer with us. #whatsnext

Kansas State was assessed a technical foul yesterday, when a player dunked in warm-ups 19 minutes and 58 seconds before the game started. (No dunking is allowed within 20 minutes of tip-off.) Kentucky then got two pre-game free throws. Baseball fans’ reaction: “And they make fun of the balk rule?”

 

The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

A satire site, the Daily Currant, posted that Sarah Palin said maybe Malaysian Air 370 “flew too high and ended up in heaven.” Be honest, how many people saw that and thought “Well she COULD have said it.”

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Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

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At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

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Counting sheep, brackets, etc.

March 20, 2014

New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.

#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA

But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.

Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game.  It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.

Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.

But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.

The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami

NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.

New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.

The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.

Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?

Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.

Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.

The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.

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Shockers?

March 23, 2013

Really, Wichita State?  You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?

All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?

 

Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?

Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?

Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.

Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.

San Francisco’s Archbishop,  Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage,  believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation.   If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?

 

CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.

The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!

 

Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.

 

So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.

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Boys will be boys. (And girls will try to be boys?).

March 20, 2012

The #3 seeded Miami Hurricanes’ women’s basketball team has suspended star senior guard Riquna Williams, for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Who said women’s basketball would never catch up to the men’s game?

Meanwhile, in an overtime thriller, the Stanford men’s basketball team knocked off Illinois State to advance to the Sweet 16 of the NIT….. Yeah, okay, winning is great. But Sweet 16 of the NIT? Isn’t that an accomplishment on par with making it through the first round of the Bachelor. Or winning a straw poll in this year’s GOP primary?

Peyton to the Broncos. Alex Smith talking to Miami. That might leave for S.F…. Tim Tebow To paraphrase an old joke, he could have 60,000 fans on their feet yelling “Jesus Christ.”


Got email invite to follow John Kerry on Twitter, where the email adds “And hey, it’s a rare chance to see a United States Senator struggle to express thoughts in 140 characters or less!.” Well, it’s a safe bet we won’t be asked to follow Joe Biden.

Yet another reason why those of us with XX chromosomes adore George Clooney. He had one phone call from jail, and when asked who he called, George replied “My mother. Some things never change.”

The Mets, facing a lawsuit demanding up to $1 billion, settled with the Madoff Madoff for $162M. $162 million? Why for the Yankees that’s a couple long-relievers and a utility infielder.

Today in Illinois Rick Santorum said the issue in the presidential race is not the economy but an “oppressive government that’s taking away people’s freedom.” (Presumably he forgot to add, unless you are gay or a woman.)

Spurned by Matt Flynn, Peyton Manning and maybe even Alex Smith, Miami has signed …. David Garrard. So this fall Dolphins fans can look forward to watchng Garrard make his debut at Chopped Liver Stadium.

The Walt Disney Co. now says they will lose $200 million on “John Carter.” Wow. Does that mean there will be a movie-themed ride at Epcot?

So does Peyton Manning’s decision mean the Broncos are the favorites to win the AFC, by a neck?

New Orleans police have filed felony charges against Russell Brand for smashing a photographer’s iPhone last week. Brand says he intends to fight the charges. Wonder if prosecutors might accept a plea bargain if Brand promises to do the same thing in a few movie theaters and restaurants.

A new bill in Tennessee would require the state to publish the names of each doctor who performs an abortion and the age, race, county, marital status, education level, # of children, and location of the woman having the procedure. Where’s the bill requiring similar information about men being treated for STDs?

Headline about Demi Moore’s soon-to-be-ex signing up for Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flights -“”Ashton Kutcher heading into space.”

Uh, isn’t he already there?

From catfish to grits to pancakes……Mitt Romney today stopped in a popular Illinois diner today, saying “I need only one thing from you this morning — no two,” Romney said. “#1, I need some pancakes, and #2, I need you to go vote” Anyone but me hoping someone in Louisiana might offer him a Hurricane without saying what’s in it?

Quote from Joe Biden. And okay, this had to be his speechwriters because it’s so succinct. But a great Obama reelection bumper sticker nonetheless: “Osama Bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Think about it.”

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