Posted tagged ‘bowl game jokes’

Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Not their Luck-y day.

January 6, 2013

Some thought the Colts’ fairytale story could continue deep into the postseason. Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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Russell Wilson gave up a promising baseball career to play football.  Not sure who’s more upset about that now, MLB fans or the Washington Redskins.

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And okay, it’s the year of the rookie QB, but as to “last man standing,” who had Wilson?

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Not saying Russell Wilson is short, but he looks up to Doug Flutie. Literally.

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The AP has published their final election 2012 totals, and Mitt Romney got 47 percent of the vote. You’re a mean bitch, Karma.

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“Catmoji” has just launched. The first social network for cats. Presumably instead of “like” there will be an “ignore” button.

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Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America’s oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We’ve finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda.

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Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is leaving to coach the Buffalo Bills. Well, not sure what motivates Marrone, but it sure isn’t weather.

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Good that they usually end up getting it right. But how many of football’s most famous plays (Flutie’s Hail Mary, the Immaculate Reception, etc.. ) would have been a little different if they needed a 2-minute pause and then “After further review, the ruling on the field stands…”

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Always hated those TV bits early in football games where some starters introduce themselves and the universities they may or may not have graduated from. But got to love the Vikings DE last night – “Jared Allen, Culinary Academy.”

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The Bengals’ Andy Dalton on Saturday had one of the worst NFL playoff passing games in history. But Rex Ryan would still probably keep him in over Tim Tebow.

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Coach Brian Kelly says that leaving the Fighting Irish for the NFL “isn’t an option.” Right, like he told his Bearcats players in Dec. 2009 about Notre Dame: “It’s not an issue; I’m not going there. I love Cincinnati, and I’m staying here.”‘

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Nick Saban has sent two backup Alabama players home from the BCS championship game for violating curfew. So wonder if they were the only players who missed their bed check, or the only non-starters who missed their bed check.

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Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs.

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So the same “sources” that had Oregon coach Chip Kelly gone to the NFL yesterday now have him returning to the Ducks. Hmm, maybe those NCAA sanctions against Oregon aren’t as imminent as we thought.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.”

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(my follow up thought.  No report on who the traveler in question was, but guess we can assume he or she was not from England.)

 

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Japanese automaker Toyota announced plans to unveil their self-driving car research. Okay, there is no way to make a P.C. Asian driver joke here…

One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic ;) but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  –  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?

That Rosy feeling.

January 2, 2013

I see red people.

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Anyone else twisted enough to wish that the Stanford band had done a “Road to the Rose Bowl” halftime show for Wisconsin? Since that road went through the tattoo parlors of Columbus, Ohio, and the showers of Penn State….

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Some trash talking from Berkeley folks that Stanford didn’t win impressively enough today in Pasadena. Alas, I can’t counter…somehow forgot how Cal did in this year’s bowl game.

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Stanford Cardinal today trying to become second California team to win a bowl game this season. (Joining the San Jose State Spartans.)

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Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett said today he plans to sue the NCAA in federal court over the sanctions against Penn State. Just when the whole sordid mess has faded a little from the headlines…..

(as my friend Michael Duca says “Immediately moving House Republicans into bronze medal position in the Tone Deafness Olympics (also bumping NRA out of the Gold Medal)).

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Crystal Harris, 26, and Hugh Hefner, 86, are married, a year after Crystal called off their 2011 wedding, claiming that sex with Hef lasted “like two seconds.” Will the happy couple now announce that last night was the best two seconds of their lives?

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Good news – the fiscal cliff has temporarily been averted,.  Bad news – instead of really walking away from the cliff congress just decided to rest on the ledge for a couple months.

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An Orange Bowl official reportedly told Northern Illinois “We didn’t even want you here.” And most of America responded said “Exactly how we feel about the whole BCS system.”

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The SF 49ers signed kicker Billy Cundiff to compete with struggling field goal kicker David Akers.  Cundiff was released in November by the Washington Redskins after missing 5 of his 12 field goal attempts…  5 of 12?!    Well, at worst Cundiff will assure that San Francisco field goal attempts are good for beer sales.

Banana Republic.

December 30, 2012

A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy.

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Arizona State put up 62 points on Navy before the end of the third quarter today in the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl. Clearly the military is not as strong as it should be. I blame Obama.

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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton’s new five-year contract is reportedly for $8 million annually. Wow. That’s almost as much as a mediocre relief pitcher.

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Open note to Facebook friends. I thought a “like” or a comment was enough to say I am reading your posts, Not adding a one-word comment and reposting the status asking all my friends to do the same thing. I like my friends but I hate chain letters. :-)

 

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The report is that the Cleveland Browns will fire coach Pat Shurmur on Monday. Bummer for all those who had Rex Ryan or Norv Turner in the pool.

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New York City, including Manhattan, is expecting to 2 to 4 inches of snow in a current storm. Of course, since this is New York, residents and the media feel this total counts for 2 to 4 feet in lesser towns.

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The Senate is working this weekend trying to come up with a last minute solution to avoid the fiscal cliff. Should we be happy they are at least making a serious effort, or furious that it took them so long?

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Stanford women’s basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys.

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Terrelle Pryor will start for the Oakland Raiders Sunday. So looking like an unhappy Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez could both be traded. If they end up on the same team what a dilemma for a coach – which one do you bench first?

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Katie Holmes’ first starring role on Broadway will come to an end two months earlier than expected as her play “Dead Accounts” will close. Guess Katie was as successful playing the lead role as she was playing at a marriage with Tom Cruise.

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Syracuse beat West Virginia 38-14 in the Pinstripe Bowl. Well, at least one New York football team has had a decent December.

 

Love this story from the Palo Alto Daily Post: Two parents, 52, and their daughter, 22 are in custody after being arrested for shoplifting at Nordstrom’s. The women were caught outside the store, but the father escaped. Until he called police that night to report his wife and daughter missing. Family bonding…. Well, at least they’re all in the same jail.

Cliff notes?

December 29, 2012

As the U.S. edges closer to the “fiscal cliff,’ have to wonder if Shakespeare had a premonition of future politics when he wrote “a plague on both your houses.”

(although today it might be “a plague on both the house and the senate.”)

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Just how ugly was the Russell Athletic Bowl. Virginia Tech beat Rutgers 13-10 in overtime. But the Hokies had an equal number of turnovers and rushing yards – three. (No typo, 3. Really.)

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Last year’s strike-shortened NBA season was the perfect length for many fans. Wonder if there’s a way to get a strike going that would affect the NCAA bowl season?

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Mayor Michael Bloomberg is blaming the first increase in New York City’s crime rate in 20 years on Apple-related thefts. Uh, what about folks unhappy over not being able to get their large sodas?

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ESPN reports Sean Payton, who has been courted by Dallas, has agreed to a five-year extension with the New Orleans Saints. “Bummer for the Cowboys”, said no one outside of Texas.

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The NY man who killed 2 firefighters in an Xmas Eve ambush couldn’t legally buy the semiautomatic rifle and shotgun he used. But he went to the store with a woman who bought the guns for him after he picked them out. And we hear all the time about the ATB arresting folks who buy alcohol illegally for 20 year olds….

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Two University of Texas players have been sent home from the Alamo Bowl for “violations of team rules.” Reportedly for alleged sexual assault. Some of these guys are going a little too far to prove they are NFL ready.

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So Mark Sanchez will start for the NY Jets this weekend over backup QB Greg McElroy, who has a concussion. Not Tim Tebow. Is Rex Ryan that worried that Tebow might actually win a game and get Jets fans even madder about the might-have-beens this season?

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Rex Ryan says he wants “to be the Jets’ head coach for the next 15 years.”

Uh, who’s got 15 days in the pool?

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The Pro Bowl roster is out. Being chosen is an honor, but as far as resulting in any real action, it’s like being named one of the sexiest women of the year by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus.

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Forget the Mayan calendar. The Los Angeles Clippers winning 16 in a row? Now, there’s a sign of the apocalypse.

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From T.C.  “Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg called Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and asked him why he wasn’t shutting down RGIII in order to save him for next year.”

Over the cliff?

December 27, 2012

A commercial during the Holiday Bowl is from online Ashford University. Well, it got some results. At the University of Alabama, they immediately contacted the school to see about arranging a game on their 2013 football schedule.

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West Coast teams often complain about their games taking place too late at night for the East Coast media to pay attention. After tonight I’m predicting we will not hear that complaint from the UCLA Bruins.

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We could solve this fiscal cliff issue real fast if Congress met at a real cliff. And if every 15 minutes after the deadline members of each party took turns pushing a Congressperson from the other party off of it.

 

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Remember all those jokes early this year when Stanford barely beat San Jose State? The Spartans just won the Military Bowl to finish 11-2…. (Now, about some of those SEC cupcake games…)

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Richard Sherman won his “contaminated sample” PED appeal. So will he be sending a bottle of champagne to Ryan Braun?

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USC’s Matt Barkley is still nursing a shoulder injury and will not play in the Sun Bowl. But he hopes to follow in the great tradition of Trojan QBs and be healthy enough in 2013 to hold an NFL clipboard.

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The Brooklyn Nets have fired coach Avery Johnson after a 14-14 start. The Washington Wizards wonder if the team has something against overachievers.

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President Obama left his family in Hawaii and cut his vacation short to head back to Washington and work on avoiding the fiscal cliff. Waiting for the GOP to accuse him of wasting money by making Air Force One take an extra trip.

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From my friend Jim Barach:  Starbucks baristas in Washington, D.C. are writing “come together” on cups in order to get Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. Of course, the fiscal cliff wouldn’t be an issue if the federal government could figure out a way to get as much money out of people every day as they do at Starbucks.

Flori-duh and beyond.

December 23, 2012

GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.

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Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.

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Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.

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Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.

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A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.

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“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.

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President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…

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A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….

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The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.

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From T.C.  ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0”  jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”

 

So many questions…

December 16, 2012

It is possible that we who are in favor of gun control have it wrong as far as stopping mass killings. Maybe we should be looking at regulating young white men.

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Would those who consider the Second Amendment as literal gospel be willing to consider a government program whereby automatic weapons would be turned in and exchanged for muskets?

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A Bushmaster .223  Semiautomatic Rifle with a 30-round magazine…. So who exactly needs one for self-defense or hunting?

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No comment, – apparently the Sandy Hook shooter’s mother thought she needed the guns for self-defense.

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Back to distraction…

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So who’s enjoying the Los Angeles Lakers’ woeful start more.  Former coach Mike Brown,  or fans of Dwight Howard’s former team, the Orlando Magic?

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Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government because he objects to the requirement mandating contraception coverage in his company’s healthcare plan. Wonder how other employers feel about covering health related issues resulting from eating Domino’s Pizza.

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N. Joseph Woodland, the inventor of the bar code, has died at the age of 91. Can we assume that at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter will soon be updating that clipboard?

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Two college bowls down. Thirty-three to go. Once again, the holidays are are about pacing yourself…

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December 15   started Capital One Bowl Week, which runs until January 7. And they wonder why many football players are bad at math.

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The SF Giants won the World Series, Stanford’s going to the Rose Bowl, the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, and even the Golden State Warriors are winning. Anyone checked the Northern California water supply for PEDs?

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Nothing to make you feel old like having Saturday Night Live announce a future musical guest and you not only don’t like their music, you have no idea who the act is.

 

The Toronto Raptors’ Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are “pretty much the worst team in the NBA.” Responded the Washington Wizards: “Who are we, chopped liver?”

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Bowled over. Finally.

January 11, 2012

Finally.

Not saying bowl season goes on too long, but even many guys had to be thinking, Ah heck, enough, let’s switch to the channel where the guy gets to choose between all the hot scantily clad chicks.

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Monday night’s LSU-Alabama rematch was the lowest-rated BCS title game ever. Rumor has it at some point ESPN thought about turning the game over to Versus.

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But really, this stretched out BCS is becoming a joke. Why, the January 9 final meant that even the major bowl game schedule lasted longer than most folks’ New Year’s resolutions.

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T.C’s BCS comments: The BCS Championship game was so boring that Dr.Pepper is rumored to be withdrawing it’s sponsorship. Red Bull is signing up right away.

My vote for MVPs? Both kickers. Bama’s place kicker and LSU’s punter.

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Actually the only player with less to do this week than LSU’s placekicker? The New Orleans’ Saints punter.

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The Golden State Warriors were down 17 points tonight to the Miami Heat, and down 84-72 after the third. And they won 111-106 in OT. Wow. Who knew Lebron and company were already in playoff form.

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This line isn’t original, but kudos to Jim Harbaugh for maintaining a sense of humor. When asked how it felt to watch the Saints rack up 626 yards in offense last weekend, the 49ers coach responded “It makes me go to bed and sleep like a baby. I wake up every hour crying.”

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Who’d a thunk two months ago that Tim Tebow would last longer in a NFL leadership position than Hue Jackson?

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Jon Huntsman failed to qualify for the ballot in Arizona, because the the nomination paper submitted on his behalf did not include the required notarized signature. And Huntsman’s supposed to be the smart one?

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On the other hand, another great campaign moment. Rick Santorum sent out an email to his supporters talking about waiting for the polls to open in New Hampshire. Except he sent it at 645p EST tonight. (Are we sure he didn’t inhale.)

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And how bad was Rick Perry’s N.H. performance? The Texas Governor could probably actually count all his votes.

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John McCain said last night that picking Sarah Palin his running mate was “still the best decision I’ve ever made.” Of course, this could be pandering. Or it could mean America dodged a bullet by not electing a man who now appears too old to be president.

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Robert Griffin III told Baylor today he was going pro. Bears’ coaches weren’t sure at first if that meant entering the NFL draft or transferring to an SEC school.

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A new Facebook app allows users to post a carefully constructed message to the world in the event of their death. Bummer for all those who might have used such an app on MySpace.

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Does this really need a punchline? Kim Kardashian who made a Super Bowl commercial for Skechers (a sneaker company) last year, has been replaced in this year’s commercial by a French bulldog.

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All these GOP candidates lambasting Mitt Romney for saying he likes to fire people. Makes me almost wish Donald Trump was still running.

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Congratulations to Mitt Romney for winning the New Hampshire primary. Now Mitt willl be increasingly campaigning against the President’s promised “hope and change.” And with Romney’s positions, you don’t need to hope, you KNOW they’ll change.

Really?

December 31, 2011

Mitt Romney compared President Obama to Marie Antoinette as a way to say the President is out of touch with everyday Americans. Really? Mitt Romney saying Obama is out of touch is like Herman Cain saying Bill Clinton is a lousy husband.

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Mitt Romney’s son Matt said that his father would release his tax returns as soon as President Obama releases his birth certificate and other records. Guess the kids are as “in touch” as their dad.

Virginia Tech’s place kicker was already suspended for his part in a home invasion. Now his backup has been sent home for missing a 1:00 a.m. curfew. Who do these kids think they are? Cincinnati Bengals?

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From the very funny Jim Barach: “Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is like Paris Hilton saying that Kim Kardashian can’t act.”

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Newt Gingrich now says he would have made it on the Virginia ballot, but “We hired somebody who turned in false signatures. We turned in 11,100 – we needed 10,000 – 1,500 of them were by one guy who frankly committed fraud.”

Okay, fair enough, but if true this is a man who wants the responsibility of hiring a whole Cabinet and White House staff?

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Newt Gingrich just said in a tele-town hall that he would consider choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate. Even John McCain is saying “Uh, is this guy getting senile?”

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So last night did Baylor football coach Art Briles tell his team “Well boys, if we hold them under 60 points we have a chance to win this thing?”

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ESPN’s Skycam camera fell to the field during tonights’s Insight Bowl between Iowa and Oklahoma. Funny, you’d think if one of the things would have crashed it would have been from all that back and forth down the field in the Alamo Bowl.

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Russell Brand and Katy Perry are divorcing, only 14 months after they married. I’ve got an idea. All those DOMA people trying to defend the institution. Maybe they should lay off the gays and try to ban celebrity marriages.

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Verizon decided to charge customers 2 dollars to pay their bills on line. Even Netflix is thinking “how dumb can you be?”

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This just in, Verizon has rescinded their new planned $2 fee to pay online due to “customer feedback.” And as to the executives who came up with the idea? The U.S. unemployment rate has probably increased by at least one.

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Or maybe we finally found out who hired the guy whose bright idea was New Coke.

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Another thought on Verizon’s little proposed $2 fee fiasco, I guess we know the answer when it was customers asking the question -“Can you hear me now?”

Bowling for dollars?

December 22, 2011

An Arizona prosecutor decided not to prosecute any of the 31 politicians and 3 lobbyists for accepting free game tickets and/or trips from the Fiesta Bowl. (He blames this on “complex and contradictory” laws.) Proving once again, the only people who get punished for bad college football behavior are future players.

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Yale football coach Tom Williams resigned after the school investigated whether he lied on his resume about being a Rhodes Scholarship finalist at Stanford. The coach now admits he never applied for the scholarship. A matter of honor, or a matter that in Willams’ tenure, the Bulldogs were 16-14, but 0-3 against Harvard?

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TCU, who just missed a BCS bid, plays Wednesday against Louisiana Tech in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, at “Snapdragon by Qualcomm Stadium”. (Really.) The full title may take longer to say than the most people cared about the game.

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Ah technology. Golden State Warriors guard Monta Ellis is the latest to be accused of sending a woman unwanted sexts including a photo of his genitalia. Reminds me of something my friend Alex Kaseberg said, paraphrased it’s “Doesn’t matter if you’re an athlete, a politician or a rock star, NO WOMAN wants to see a picture of your junk.”

It is enough to make many famous men long for the old pre-cellphone days, when at least cheating could be done with plausible deniability.

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White Castle is doing a one-restaurant experiment in Lafayette, Indiana of serving beer and wine with their burgers. The chain may have the sequence backwards, it’s usually only AFTER drinking that White Castle sounds good.

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“Restore Our Future” is an independent PAC supporting Mitt Romney by running negative ads against Newt Gingrich. “Restore Our Future?” Many in Massachusetts wish they could just restore the old Mitt Romney.

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Sarah (remember me?) Palin is criticizing the White House Christmas card.. Instead of highlighting “family, faith and freedom, it just shows the Obama’s dog, Bo, in a room decorated for Christmas, with the message “From our family to yours, may your holidays shine with the light of the season.” Maybe Obama chose to feature Bo because he has the family’s highest approval ratings?

An Iowa voter reportedly referred to Newt Gingrich as a “f-cking a–hole.” No word on whether it was one of his ex-wives.

Aaron Rodgers won the AP 2011 Male Athlete of the Year. Presumably vote taken before last week’s Chiefs game. Packers fans are hoping it’s not a SI Cover type jinx.

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Must be hard than we thought to make ends meet as a retired NFL Superstar. Here’s what Joe Montana is up to Jan 12. (thru Living Social) “Joe Montana Fan Experience, 1.5 hours, Two Drinks, Two Raffle Tickets, and Food ($119); with Signed Photo of Joe Montana ($199); or with Signed Photo and 30-Minute VIP Meet and Greet and Photo with Joe Montana ($399)

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Washington, D.C., Christmas verse – Twas almost the night before the payroll tax break expired, and all through the House, not a creature was stirring, not even a Louse.

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From Marc Ragovin: Gary Johnson switichng from the GOP to the Libertarian primary will have as much impact as the Astros switching from the NL to the AL

Kobe locked out?

December 18, 2011

In Vanessa Bryant’s statement that she and Kobe are divorcing, she asks for “privacy during this difficult time.” Not that I wish the woman any harm, but if she wanted privacy, she should have married someone other than Kobe Bryant.

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Wonder what happened between the Bryants? Did the lockout dent Kobe’s jewelry budget?

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There are rumors that the Lakers’ star’s infidelities just got to be too much. Who’d a thunk Kobe would get in trouble for too many passes.
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The Des Moines Register, a paper that endorsed John McCain in 2008, has given a reserved endorsement this year to Mitt Romney. The musical background to this endorsement, presumably, “Making the Best of a Bad Situation,” or “Love the One You’re With.”

(or as my friend Melodi says “Clowns on the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, “Stuck in the Middle with You!”)

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Mitt Romney said of Congress that “It’s hard to expect a bunch of kitty cats to all come together and march in lock step. The only way to herd cats is to have a leader.” Cats following ANY leader? Sounds like the man who drove on vacation with the family dog strapped to the roof of his car knows as much about felines as he does about canines.

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Newt Gingrich acknowledged in Iowa that his GOP rivals’ attacks have taken a toll on his campaign. Newt says he hasn’t heard vitriol like this since he divorced his last two wives.

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The Gildan New Mexico Bowl between Temple and Wyoming Saturday was the first of 35 bowls this year. If you watch all of them, heck, if you can NAME all of them, you might need a life”
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The Rose Bowl promotes itself as the “Grandaddy of all Bowls.” If true, does that make the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl and Advocare 100 Independence Bowl two of the “Weird Cousins of all Bowls?

Anyone know who won Saturday’s bowl games? Me neither.

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From T.C. One of these things is not like the other…..

The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, The Beef O’Brady Bowl, Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, Chick Fil-A Bowl, The Outback Bowl, Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, The Fight Hunger Bowl.

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Apparently the Playboy issue featuring Lindsay Lohan isn’t selling very well. Makes sense, most Americans, men included, think they’ve seen too much of Lindsay already.

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Some say it will be difficult to convict Penn State officials of anything, since perjury is so hard to prove. Well, if the government can spend millions to convict an athlete for misleading statements about how he played a game, they can sure get these b*stards.

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Penn State Police have reported they were called to investigate a locker room fight between quarterback Matt McGloin and receiver Curtis Drake. Shocking! Penn State Police know where the locker room is?

They’re over.

January 11, 2011

Yes, the  BCS bowl games are done for 2010-2011.    But the BCS committee would tell you there’s a reason they need so many games over such a long period.  And might consider more.   I mean, out of 120 FBS (Division 1) teams, as it is now a full 50 of them actually have to stay home instead of going to the postseason.

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Sloppy sloppy national title game. Of course maybe this has something to with the fact that it seems like there was more time between the end of the regular season and the BCS game, than there is between the end of the World Series and when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

Andrew Luck decided to forego the NFL draft so he could return to college and get his degree. Cam Newton still has eligibility left (after attending three schools) and was asked if he would consider the same thing. Replied Newton – “What’s a degree?

Well, after the trouble the Ohio State players got into for selling stuff, there’s no chance that Cam Newton will try to sell any memorabilia from the BCS championship. He’ll have his dad put it on Ebay.

LaMichael James is on criminal probation, Cam Newton says he had no idea his father was “shopping” him. Maybe we should call this the “Crooks and Liars” bowl.

One reason Jim Harbaugh may have chosen the 49ers over the Wolverines might be his well-publicized feelings on Michigan’s low academic standards for athletes. Well, that won’t be a problem if Michigan tries to hire Les Miles from LSU.

TMI department: Between John Boehner’s tears and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (and everything being personal), it’s enough to make you long for the days when men were emotionally repressed in public.

There’s a new iPad app to follow Cam Newton’s season with Auburn.   But you can’t buy it for yourself.  Your dad has to do the shopping.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The top New Year resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you’ve already blown it.

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Rush Limbaugh says the media is “unnecessarily stirring up the country” with the “insane” premise that hateful rhetoric from people like himself and Sarah Palin may have contributed to the shootings in Tucson. Interesting comments from the same man who speculated that the Gulf Oil explosion and spill was the work of “environmentalist wackos”, and blamed Al Gore for inciting them.

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And finally a little rant about the media’s coverage of Chistina Taylor Green, the 9 year old girl who was shot and killed at the Giffords rally.  There have been stories how tragic it was because she was born on Sept 11, because she was the granddaughter of formerPhillies manager Dallas Green, because she was the daughter of a Dodgers’ employee.

Excuse me, she was an innocent 9 year old little girl, her killing was tragic, PERIOD.

When bad things happen to good quarterbacks…

December 7, 2010

Peyton Manning is saying that the Indianapolis Colts’ inexplicably bad season is his fault. Unreal, Peyton’s not blaming the media? Or the President? Surely some of this is Obama’s fault….

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Mark Sanchez had one of those nights where he had to wish he was still back at USC.  Especially this year, as since the Trojans are on probation.  And he wouldn’t have had to play in December.

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R.I.P Don Meredith, as my friend Alex Kaseberg said “with him around you could actually tolerate Howard Cosell.”

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Not only would “Dandy Don” Meredith have been singing “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” during Monday Night Football’s Jets-Pats game, he would have been singing it at halftime.

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Newt Gingrich has indicated he is interested in running for President in 2012. 

So let me see if I have this straight.  Newt’s had three marriages, (and each time being involved with the next wife while married to the current wife), plus he was reprimanded while Speaker by Congress for ethics violations. 

Sure, I can see why he’d be the darling of the family values conservatives who want to restore faith in the Presidency…,

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Another reason to want a college football playoff: Oregon and Auburn now have to wait FIVE weeks for their BCS Championship Game. Five weeks??! Some of the players will get so bored they may actually go to class.

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And the national championship will pit Auburn, with its controversy regarding Cam Newton, vs Oregon, with its leading running back, LaMichael James, on probation for a domestic violence incident. Makes a certain amount of sense that the stadium is sponsored by that hallowed institution, the University of Phoenix.

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Jayson Werth – a seven year $126 million dollar contract for the Nationals? With that kind of overspending, are we sure Congress wasn’t involved?

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The University of Connecticut must sell 17,500 tickets to the Fiest Bowl, or have to pay for the tickets themselves.    This is a variation on a thought from yesterday, but maybe they should double the price of men’s and women’s basketball tickets, and include a bowl game ticket for free?

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Latest in the “It’s all relative department”: Tiger Woods lost a four shot lead, and then lost the Chevron World Challenge to Graeme McDowell in a playoff today. But Tiger still probably had a better first weekend in December than he did last year.

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Reader Augie sent this great “quote” in,  a supposed retort from Bristol Palin to Margaret Cho: “If you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.” 

Okay, a show of hands please from everyone who thinks Bristol wrote that.

Okay, how about a show of hands from everyone who thinks Bristol, age 20, even knows who KD Lang is.

The Red Raiders, Spartans, Wizards, and other soaps…

January 3, 2010

Who says soap operas are on the decline. Lately it seems like they’ve just all moved over to ESPN.

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Fired Texas Tech coach Mike Leach may face legal issues regarding his alleged mistreatment of player Adam James. Meanwhile, 14 Michigan State players were suspended from for their involvement in a campus brawl, and 8 of them are facing assault charges. Maybe the Alamo Bowl should have been sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

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Gilbert Arenas and NBA teammate Javaris Crittenton may have drawn guns on each other in the Washington locker room. As disturbing as that sounds, the guns apparently weren’t loaded. And besides, they play for the Wizards, so it’s not as if they shot they would have hit anything.

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Arenas said of the incident that he used “bad judgment.” But didn’t we already expect that? After all, he chose to sign with the Wizards.

Suppose it’s just coincidence that the team used to be “the Bullets.”

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Wonder how long it will take before someone makes and sells retro Arenas “Washington Bullets” jerseys on Ebay..

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On the brighter side for some Washington sports fans, at least for a little while the Redskins are not the most embarrassing story on the sports page.

Crawling into 2010

January 1, 2010

Which could be the unfortunate slogan of the Cincinnati Bearcats. It’s not that fans in Cincinnati aren’t used to being embarrassed. It’s that usually the Bengals, and the police, are involved.

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It’s now officially 2010. Which could make Brett Favre the first NFL quarterback to retire in three different decades.

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Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has not only been cited for possession of a firearm in the team’s locker room, but also allegedly he “presented” the gun to a teammate during an argument. Okay, now THAT’s stupid, said Plaxico Burress.

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Coaches Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno both won their New Year’s Day bowl games. Thereby proving the old adage – “Age and treachery shall overcome middle-age and skill.”

Ouching Tiger.

December 4, 2009

The number one customer service question at the Apple Store this week from men – “Uh, how do you delete call logs?

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Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford’s wife has decided to take up golf.

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As rough a week as this has been for Tiger Woods, there are several teams, athletes and coaches who are if not exactly happy about his misfortune, relieved to be at least temporarily off the front page…

For examples:

- the New Jersey Nets

- Charlie Weis and anyone rumored to be on Notre Dame’s short list to replace him, not to mention the 6-6 team including former Heisman front-runner Jimmy Clausen.

- the Saskatchewan Roughriders, who had basically won the Grey Cup, Canada’s football championship, until they got called for a “too many men on the field” penalty during a missed game winning field goal attempt. (The extra man didn’t affect the kick, but the placekicker didn’t miss his second try, and the Montreal Alouettes pulled out the victory.)

- the Gator Bowl, and okay, they have nostalgia on their side, but as a big money New Years Day bowl, with the third pick of ACC teams, they will take 6-6 Florida State.

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On her book tour in Minnesota, Sarah Palin’s staff informed the media that they were banning foreign press and only English speakers would be allowed. Guess up north they were worried they’d have to deal with all those reporters coming across the border speaking Canadian.

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John McCain repeatedly praised AARP when he was running for President. Now that the senior group has endorsed Obama’s health care plan, the Senator is speaking out against them. But to be fair, maybe it’s not that McCain decided to renounce his previous praise. Maybe he just forgot it.

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How times have changed. In 1997, both the U.S. President, Bill Clinton, and the world’s top golfer, Greg Norman, were white. Now we have both President Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. The other difference, now the President seems like the squeaky clean one…

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The Swiss have long been known as the bankers of the world. Now they’ve granted $4.5 million bail to Roman Polanski. Which considering his history, seems like a rather risky proposition. Although if he jumps bail, he’ll actually be America’s problem, and the Swiss, while potentially embarrassed, can keep the money. Hmm……maybe I’m begining to see how they got all those banks.


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