Posted tagged ‘Bonds jokes’

Approaching our last moment of zen?

February 10, 2015

Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?

And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”

NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?

 

On a brighter note for NBC,  the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks.  Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?

 

Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.

ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history.  (805 as of today.)

 

As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.

Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?

Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.

 

Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009?  (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)

 

Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.

 

Ethan Czahor, founder of “Hipster.com“, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC,  “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go?   That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.

And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”

Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.

 

“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)

 

If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

The verdict:

April 14, 2011

We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron’s record really thought he was clean?

My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband.

So how long until someone tries to allege Brian Wilson’s beard is a PED – performance enhancing device?

Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “In it to win it.”

 

A T & T is sending out a new free magazine, with the caption on the front  – “See the many ways A T & T is committed to serving our Northern California customers.”

Here’s a suggestion for the phone company:  Can the magazine, save the money, and use it to upgrade your coverage.

Okay, I’ll take Kobe Bryant at his word that he’s not a homophobe and the slur he muttered against a referee (rhymes with sucking maggot), “came strictly out of anger and shouldn’t be taken literally.” But just wonder how Byrant would have reacted had a referee “strictly out of anger” insulted him with the “n” word.

 

A Washington state couple has been arrested and charged with with keeping their 6 and 7 year old children in a cage. What kind of monsters use a cage for young children? For teenagers, maybe.

AL MVP Josh Hamilton will be out for six to eight weeks with a fracture in his arm he sustained by sliding into home plate. Well, at least this is one misfortune that is unlikely to befall the 2011 Red Sox – their players are rarely running from third to home.

Back to Barry:  So is one of the other verdicts of the Bonds trial that chicks who dug the long ball ended up with guys with small balls?

And before we breathe a sigh of relief; while THIS trial is over, since it was a hung jury, federal prosecutors and the Justice Department will have to decide whether to retry Bonds on the unresolved counts. Uh, can we be done now?

From Bill Littlejohn:   “President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit.His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds”


If they do retry Barry Bonds, or when they have the  Roger Clemens trial, I have one wish: Will someone PLEASE call Bud Selig to the stand and ask him under oath about his statements that he had no idea MLB had a Performance Enhancing Drug problem?

Ever get the sense we’re all unpaid extras in Trump’s new “reality’ show – “Who Wants to be a Presidential Candidate?”

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is sort of running for the GOP Presidential nomination, though he hasn’t made it official. The hang up – he’s trying to think of a better slogan than “I’m not as crazy as the rest of them.”

Final six.

March 29, 2011

The Stanford women’s basketball team was shooting over 60 percent from the floor night late into the second half, and ended up with a .574 shooting percentage. If you were watching boys, this is how it’s done.

And the Stanford women turned out to be the very first #1 ranked team in their bracket, for men or women, to advance to the NCAA basketball final four.

But really this has  been a weird year. The last time things turned out so bizarrely for seeds, a beanstalk and giant were involved.

Barry Bonds’ trial is getting tawdrier and tawdrier, now with testimony from his ex-mistress about Bonds’ sexual performance, and the changing shape of his “privates.” And we thought the Clinton impeachment trial with thongs and cigars was TMI.

Bonds’ defense team’s tried to discredit his former girlfriend’s testimony by asking how, if he was suffering from E.D., he could have these other mistresses she complained about?. And to think it was not that long ago that parents just worried about keeping their young sports fans away from the SI swimsuit issue.

Unfortunate timing for sportswriters and editors that the Bonds trial is going on at the same time that these “small ball” teams are in the NCAA Final Four.

The New York Knicks won their first game after six losses and are now 8-12 since they traded for Carmelo Anthony.   At this point the team’s motto has to be  “Thank heaven for the Miami Heat.”

Carmelo Anthony said after the overtime win “We had the will to win.”   Knicks season ticketholders have to be thinking… okay and the rest of the season?

Whole Foods has opened a dozen small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

With all the talk about VCU and Butler, many have forgotten that coach John Calipari could be setting a record of his own. If the NCAA discovers anything in future regarding rules violations at Kentucky, Calipari could be the first coach in history to forfeit Final Four appearances with three different teams.

Donald Trump now says that, “a lot of facts are emerging” that are making him question more seriously where Obama was born. “A lot of facts” translates to “Birthers apparently vote in the GOP primaries.”

Slow learners award winner: South African Airways..

February 17, 2009

For the second time in a MONTH, the entire crew of a South African Airways plane has been arrested for trying to smuggle cocaine into Heathrow. Yes, pilots and flight attendants.

Maybe this is how they have achieved all those on-time and fast service ratings…


An anonymous contributor to IOL, a South Africa website, suggested that the new South African Airways (SAA) slogan be “We fly you higher.”


But let’s see, you know you have been caught before, you know you are under investigation, and you still try to get away with something? Wonder how long before SAA introduces their new corporate spokesman – Rod Blagojevich?


Alex Rodriguez plans to bring an entourage to his press conference Tuesday about steroids, including one of the lawyers who represented Sammy Sosa. Without knowing their strategy in advance I can only expect the lawyer is working on having A-Rod learn more Spanish, and forget more English.

Cynical thought: A-Rod expects to have many of his Yankees teammates at the press conference. Supposedly for support. But more likely because his teammates feel Rodriguez willl be less likely to throw them under the bus if they are present…

Another cynical thought. As the Feds prepare their perjury case against Barry Bonds, one detail that has emerged is that they sent a pregnant FBI agent to work out regularly with Bonds’ trainer’s wife in hopes of getting her to spill the beans on Barry’s alleged steroid use.

Apparently they didn’t get anything useful out of the attempted sting, but you have to wonder….if the Feds spent half as much energy investigating the stock market as they did Bonds, our country might be in slightly better shape now.


Newly appointed New York Senator Kristen Gillibrand has announced she is no longer keeping guns under her bed in case she is surprised by someone sneaking in at night. Fortunately, her predecessor never adopted the same habit. We could have lost Bill.

Scary thought, somewhere in this country Nadya Suleman might be telling some fertility doctor, “I really need in-vitro, I only have 14 kids…”


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 285 other followers