Posted tagged ‘BCS jokes’

Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

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Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

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Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

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The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

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Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

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Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

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You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

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So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

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Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

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With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

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The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

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Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

Early Christmas blessings.

December 22, 2013

Thinking the BCS should be sending San Jose State’s team a major Christmas present. Had the Spartans not beaten Fresno State, the Bulldogs instead of being humiliated in Las Vegas by USC, would have been blown out in a major BCS bowl.

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So in “Miracle on 34th Street”, much is made over the question of whether a beloved but allegedly fictional character is real. Sort of like if they made a move about a Chicago Cub wearing a World Series ring.

 

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Washington State did such an incredible job of snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory. Are we sure Tony Romo isn’t somehow involved?

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Who’d have expected this a handful of years ago? That USC beating Stanford in football would have been an upset? And that the Trojans’ reward for that win would have been a berth in today’s Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl?

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Meanwhile USC fans chanted “over-rated” at Fresno State as the Trojans demolished the Bulldogs. And really, the only chance Fresno State probably would have had in the game is if Lane Kiffin were still coaching at USC.

 

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Some people seem to have a problem with the idea that “freedom of religion” doesn’t mean just “freedom to follow MY religion.” And the same folks also don’t seem to get that “free speech” doesn’t just mean “freedom to say something I agree with.”

 

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That infamous PR executive who tweeted “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!” has been fired. Guessing unless she changes her name, she won’t have to explain to any other potential future employer “So why did you leave your last position?”

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Lindsey Vonn, who thought she injured her right knee today in a fall during the World Cup Downhill, says she didn’t do any new damage and she still plans to compete in the Sochi Olympics. Who does Lindsey think she is? RGIII?

 

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Guess Scott Boras miscalculated. Shin Soo Choo ended up signing with the Texas Rangers for 7 years, and only $130 million, after he reportedly earlier turned down 7 years and $140 million with the Yankees. Poor Choo, how will he feed his family?

 

Uh oh, now what do some in the GOP do? In a People magazine interview, when the President was asked “Who would you rather spend the day with: Kim and Kanye or the Duck Dynasty Family?’ Obama said the Duck Dynasty family, that “they seem like a pretty fun bunch” and he has watched the show on Air Force One.

 

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Target’s commercials – “Expect more, pay less.”  Well, they may have the “pay less” down. But 40 million people expected more security.

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Snow place like home field?

December 9, 2013

NFL powers that be have to be wincing at all these awful games played in wintry weather today. Good thing it never snows in New Jersey in February.

 

Urban Meyer and his Ohio State Buckeyes have to be really disappointed that they aren’t heading to Pasadena. That Alamo Bowl swag just doesn’t sell for as high a price as the Rose Bowl stuff does.

 

After some of these calls recently, thinking maybe they fired the replacement refs because they were too good.

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For those asking, how can that be pass interference on the #Browns? Easy, they violated 11th commandment. Thou shalt not stop St. Brady.

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A near miracle in Pittsburgh. Had the Stanford band only been around to keep Antonio Brown in bounds.

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Washington coach Mike Shanahan apparently quit at the end of the 2012 season. As opposed to his team who apparently quit soon after the beginning of this one.

The Redskins are becoming the NFL equivalent of one of those Big 10 or SEC scheduled cupcakes.

(Dinur Blum comments that Tennessee Chattanooga resents the comparison to the Redskins.)

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Drew Brees has just gone over 50,000 yards with the #Saints. And in San Diego some Chargers fans are just sobbing.

(for non-NFL fans, the Chargers had Brees, but let him go in 2005 in favor of Philip Rivers.   And for that matter the Miami Dolphins passed on Drew too, thinking he wouldn’t come back from shoulder surgery.)

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On a positive note…. assuming this little thing called New Jersey weather cooperates, a Super Bowl featuring Peyton Manning and Drew Brees would be really fun to watch. Two of the best and classiest QBs in football.

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The 35 bowl matchups are out. But it’s just not the same without the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl.

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USC will play Fresno State in the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl.  SC Offensive coordinator Clay Helton will coach,  since  interim coach Ed Orgeron quit after Steve Sarkisian was chosen to coach next year.

So if USC wins, Helton might go down in Trojan history as the program’s only undefeated coach.

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A man trying to fly from Lafayette, Louisiana to California with a layover in Houston fell asleep on the first United Express flight, and woke up on a locked, empty plane after the flight crew had disembarked. Maybe he didn’t pay his “deboarding announcement” fee?

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It was cold enough that the were expecting snow in Las Vegas this weekend. Maybe proving the rightness of those in the GOP who said Hell would freeze over before the Obamacare website started working.

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Brett Favre’s been offensive coordinator for Oak Grove High School in Mississippi this year. And last night his team won the state title. So suppose we only have to wait about six months for Brett to decide if he’s coming back to coach next year.

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Sad, but sounds like he’s in contention for a Darwin: 23 year-old college student in San Antonio Texas was fatally shot by a campus cop after he was pulled over for erratic driving and an altercation ensued. A witness said his last words were a sarcastic “Oh, you’re gonna shoot me?’ (Open note. Do not say those words in Texas, Florida, etc….)

A Rose-y Feeling.

December 8, 2013

My son points out:  “Only one current group of seniors in the country will never know what it’s like to not play in a BCS bowl…and every one is going to graduate…from Stanford.”

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Question of the night:  How the heck did this #Stanford team manage to lose to Utah?

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A gay teacher Catholic high school teacher near Philadelphia was fired Friday when he applied for a license to marry his male partner in New Jersey. Now had the guy been married 30 years and dumped his wife for a girl his daughter’s age, they’d have thrown him an engagement party.

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December 7, 1941, “A Day that will live in infamy.” Wonder how Americans in the 40s would have felt had NSA been able to spy on phone calls in Japan?

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David Ortiz says the Yankees lost “the face” of their ballclub when Cano signed with the Mariners. Leaving aside the insult to Jeter I would think the “face” of the Yankees would be more likely to be a George Washington or Ben Franklin, or someone else whose face is on money.

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Yankees fans are apparently burning Robinson Cano jerseys after he signed with Seattle. Whereas presumably they think Jacoby Ellsbury and Carlos Beltran just made smart decisions to feed their families.

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So Auburn ends up in the National Championship?    After today’s game with Missouri a better fit for either team might have been the Arena Football League.

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So Nick Saban said today Auburn should play for National Championship because they beat Alabama. Uh, okay, but how about LSU, who beat Auburn. And then Ole Miss, who beat LSU, and Mississippi State who beat Ole Miss. Poor Bowling Green, they knocked off undefeated NIU and lost to Mississippi State by 1 or they’d be in the equation.

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And a moment for brief comparison of conference strength:  Auburn beat Washington State 31-24. That same WSU Cougars team against the Pac 12? Lost 55-21 to ASU, 62-38 to Oregon, 52-24 to Oregon State, and 55-17 to Stanford. Just saying….

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The NFL has to be “thrilled” about their upcoming Super Bowl. 29 degree weather in New Jersey. On the other hand, the weather isn’t that much better today in say, Texas.

As someone who hates the SEC, I hate them even more that they made me root for Ohio State and Urban Meyer on principle.

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-Ah yes, football is different in the South. At a press conference a reporter asked the lawyer for the woman who accused FSU QB Jameis Winston of rape if her family was affiliated with the University of Alabama.

Bus to hell time:   Guess as an anti-SEC fan it would be tacky to post “Rah rah rapist.”

Falling leaves, falling rankings.

October 20, 2013

Five ranked SEC teams lost yesterday. No punchline. I just like writing that.

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The Washington Redskins actually won. I blame Obama.

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Ted Cruz is now blaming Senate Republicans for the “lousy deal” to reopen the government. Other Senate Republicans are blaming voters in Texas.

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Perhaps Shakespeare anticipated the BCS? As almost two months before bowls are actually decided, the first BCS standings are out – “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

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An alligator wandered right outside a Walmart in Apopka, Florida last night, but returned to its nearby lake without incident. But the 6-foot creature now holds the title of the scariest thing seen at that Walmart, well not wearing curlers and short shorts….

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Oregon beat WSU 62 to 38, but defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti was furious at Washington State coach Mike Leach, whose team racked up 559 yards. “That’s total bullshit that he threw the ball at the end of the game like he did I think it’s low class and it’s bullshit to throw the ball when the game is completely over against our kids that are basically our scout team.” How dare they indeed… why the Cougars even managed to cover the spread….

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Stanford fans just watched a #Colts drive where #AndrewLuck showed how he WOULD have won the Fiesta Bowl. #Notbitter

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Even for those of us whose team’s are not in the World Series, one thing to smile about – after this year Tim McCarver is retiring!

Maria Belen Chapur, Mark Sanford’s reason for “hiking the Appalachian trail” and now his fiancee, complained to a reporter that “Everybody has a fantasy that governors or lawmakers make a lot of money. ‘I’m going to take away that fantasy because a governor in the United States makes $108,000 per year … it’s not even enough to pay for private school for his children.” Oh the horror. (Btw, as a Congressman, Sanford now makes $174,000 a year. per capita income in South Carolina, $33,000.)

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New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick isn’t happy with the controversial rule interpretation that led to the NY Jets’ game winning field goal today. And longtime Oakland Raiders fans are just giggling.

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Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the #KCchiefs?

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If only strength of schedule helped for playoff seeding. #AndrewLuck and #Colts have beaten 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos.

BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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That Rosy feeling.

January 2, 2013

I see red people.

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Anyone else twisted enough to wish that the Stanford band had done a “Road to the Rose Bowl” halftime show for Wisconsin? Since that road went through the tattoo parlors of Columbus, Ohio, and the showers of Penn State….

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Some trash talking from Berkeley folks that Stanford didn’t win impressively enough today in Pasadena. Alas, I can’t counter…somehow forgot how Cal did in this year’s bowl game.

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Stanford Cardinal today trying to become second California team to win a bowl game this season. (Joining the San Jose State Spartans.)

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Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett said today he plans to sue the NCAA in federal court over the sanctions against Penn State. Just when the whole sordid mess has faded a little from the headlines…..

(as my friend Michael Duca says “Immediately moving House Republicans into bronze medal position in the Tone Deafness Olympics (also bumping NRA out of the Gold Medal)).

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Crystal Harris, 26, and Hugh Hefner, 86, are married, a year after Crystal called off their 2011 wedding, claiming that sex with Hef lasted “like two seconds.” Will the happy couple now announce that last night was the best two seconds of their lives?

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Good news – the fiscal cliff has temporarily been averted,.  Bad news – instead of really walking away from the cliff congress just decided to rest on the ledge for a couple months.

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An Orange Bowl official reportedly told Northern Illinois “We didn’t even want you here.” And most of America responded said “Exactly how we feel about the whole BCS system.”

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The SF 49ers signed kicker Billy Cundiff to compete with struggling field goal kicker David Akers.  Cundiff was released in November by the Washington Redskins after missing 5 of his 12 field goal attempts…  5 of 12?!    Well, at worst Cundiff will assure that San Francisco field goal attempts are good for beer sales.

Over the cliff?

December 27, 2012

A commercial during the Holiday Bowl is from online Ashford University. Well, it got some results. At the University of Alabama, they immediately contacted the school to see about arranging a game on their 2013 football schedule.

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West Coast teams often complain about their games taking place too late at night for the East Coast media to pay attention. After tonight I’m predicting we will not hear that complaint from the UCLA Bruins.

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We could solve this fiscal cliff issue real fast if Congress met at a real cliff. And if every 15 minutes after the deadline members of each party took turns pushing a Congressperson from the other party off of it.

 

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Remember all those jokes early this year when Stanford barely beat San Jose State? The Spartans just won the Military Bowl to finish 11-2…. (Now, about some of those SEC cupcake games…)

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Richard Sherman won his “contaminated sample” PED appeal. So will he be sending a bottle of champagne to Ryan Braun?

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USC’s Matt Barkley is still nursing a shoulder injury and will not play in the Sun Bowl. But he hopes to follow in the great tradition of Trojan QBs and be healthy enough in 2013 to hold an NFL clipboard.

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The Brooklyn Nets have fired coach Avery Johnson after a 14-14 start. The Washington Wizards wonder if the team has something against overachievers.

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President Obama left his family in Hawaii and cut his vacation short to head back to Washington and work on avoiding the fiscal cliff. Waiting for the GOP to accuse him of wasting money by making Air Force One take an extra trip.

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From my friend Jim Barach:  Starbucks baristas in Washington, D.C. are writing “come together” on cups in order to get Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. Of course, the fiscal cliff wouldn’t be an issue if the federal government could figure out a way to get as much money out of people every day as they do at Starbucks.

No place like home?

December 10, 2012

Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.

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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.

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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?

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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?

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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”

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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.

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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.

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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?”   Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”

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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?

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From T.C.   “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! “

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Trivia question for the day:

Which are  the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?

Answer ( none of them from the SEC) :   Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.

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No “I” in Team.

December 4, 2012

And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.

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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.

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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.

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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?

 

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

 

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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?

Adds Nick Coombs,  “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”

 

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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….

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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?

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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.

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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”

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Groaner alert:

There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”

Slip sliding away…

December 3, 2012

Sunday, the San Francisco Bay Area moaned about another day of rain.  And up in Seattle they are just giggling.

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Duke vs. Cincinnati, Dec 27 in Charlotte. Supposedly in the “Belk Bowl.” But are we sure this isn’t a basketball tournament?

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Kobe Bryant, after the Lakers’ latest loss to Orlando Sunday night: the team had “better make the adjustments they need.” or “I’ll kick everybody’s ass in this locker room if that doesn’t happen.” Hmm, maybe Kobe is angling for being the next coach after Mike D’Antoni?

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Meanwhile, now playing in SF, quarterback controversy, act two…..

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Watching Jim Harbaugh talking to the media reminds me of a cat toying with a room full of mice: The 49ers coach after today’s loss that there will be “no change” at quarterback but if there is a change, he would let everyone know….

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Louisiana Tech (9-3), turned down an invitation to play in the AvoCare V100 Independence Bowl against the Univ. of Louisiana-Monroe.(8-4) Tough for Louisiana Tech players, but hey, what a nice break for some TBD .500 team that just missed the postseason.

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A Sunday ad insert for “Bed, Bath and Beyond”  features “Waiting for Santa” pet pajamas, along with “one size fits all” antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably because there isn’t enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat.

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Tim Tebow was declared “inactive” for Sunday’ss Jets-Cardinals matchup. And this was different from Rex Ryan’s usual game plan how? .

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At the beginning of the year some said Tim Tebow wasn’t an NFL quarterback. Now we know Mark Sanchez isn’t either.

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Northern Illinois is in the Orange Bowl? Hey, if they win will the Huskies get an invitation to join the SEC?

 

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And back to politics:  Just wondering why since John Boehner is all about spending cuts, he’s not suggesting any reduction in military spending? (From Wikipedia – The U.S. DOD about 19$ of the budget 28% of estimated tax revenues. Including non-DOD expenditures, military spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues.)

Winning?

November 25, 2012

Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.

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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?

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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.

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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”

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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.

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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.

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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?

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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.

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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?”   (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish)  Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.

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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….

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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.

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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)

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Pipped?

November 20, 2012

Well, if the SF 49ers’  Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.

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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?

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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”

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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.

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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…

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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.

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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.

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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?

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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.

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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”

Really?

November 19, 2012

Even Oregon and Maryland are thinking… those Pittsburgh throwback uniforms are UGLY.

A question about those Pittsburgh throwback jerseys. Can they throw them back?

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-USC’s Matt Barkley is officially out against Notre Dame. Leaving the team in the hands of redshirt freshman Max Wittek. Uh, before everyone concedes the game to the Fighting Irish, they might remember that had Stanford started THEIR redshirt freshman in South Bend, the Cardinal probably would have won.

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Got to love it. While some Texans have signed a petition to secede, some in Austin have in turn filed a petition to secede from Texas and remain part of the Union should that happen, stating it is “entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state.” Hey, it could work.

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How bad have the Philadelphia Eagles looked lately? Forget the NFL playoffs – they don’t look like a team that would be BCS bowl eligible.

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Andrew Luck has had a great rookie year, but this might have been the one week where he wishes he had taken advantage of that last year of eligibility at Stanford.

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The Oakland Raiders have been outscored 123-34 in the third quarter this year.  Uh,  maybe instead of halftime adjustments the team should spend the time doing something more productive,  like updating their Facebook pages.

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Los Angeles Times conservative columnist Charlotte Allen has apparently seriously endorsed Sarah for the 2016 GOP nomination. So who says Democrats never agree with Republican ideas?

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Newt Gingrich today said that Mitt Romney’s comment that President Obama won the election by offering “gift” was “nuts.” Well, if anyone knows “nuts”….

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Apparently 76ers center Andrew Bynum may have further damaged his knees while bowling. So for other professional athletes signing contracts, will this mean one more added to the list of prohibited dangerous sports?

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So after that road upset of Oregon, Stanford moves up in the AP poll from #14 all the way to… #11? Of course there are five SEC teams ahead of them. Shocking.

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On the other hand,  Stanford is #8 in the BCS rankings.   Guess it helps to have graduates who can program those computers

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Curious sidelight to yesterday’s Pac 12 upset:   So for the second year in a row, ESPN’s Lee Corso got his Oregon-Stanford “College Gameday” pick wrong.

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From “Northern Neutral Observer”   (translation,  T.C.  from Canada)   ” A team named after condoms will prevail over a team with a Leprechaun as its mascot.

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And from Gary M, about the gun store owner who says he won’t sell to Obama supporters because they aren’t “responsible” enough.  “Like so many, when I think of responsible gun owners, I immediately think of Arizona.”

Duck, duck, goosed. Or at least Cardinaled.

November 18, 2012

 

 

Caption contest for the above?

 

Maybe they were expecting an Oregon-Kansas State BCS championship game?

 

 

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Forget Duck A L’Orange. How about Duck A L’Cardinal? Go Stanford.

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Apparently Duck hunting season started early this year in Eugene.

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Stanford is one quarterback substitution earlier in the year (and maybe one change of placekicker) to being in the discussion for the BCS championship.

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Florida Gov. Rick Scott said in a speech to conservatives this week that “the election is over. Get over it.” And of course his state should be done counting ballots any week now.

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A Northern Arizona gun shop owner has the following sign in his window: “If you voted for Barack Obama your business is not welcome. You have proven you are not responsible enough to own a firearm.” Wait a minute. Isn’t that gun control?

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Maryland and Rutgers are in talks to become the 13th and 14th members of the Big Ten. And we wonder why football players are bad at math.

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At the “Books Inc” bookstore,  copies of “Anna Karenina” with photo of Keira Knightly on cover are on the front display. Wonder how many of the younger generation are thinking “Wow, they wrote that fast to go with the movie opening.”

 

So after Alabama’s loss to Texas A & M, the Crimson Tide followed up this weekend with the powerhouse opponent Western Carolina. Can’t imagine how SEC teams get the reputation of playing out-of-conference cupcakes.

 

 

 

“I am pro-life, but because life is complicated, that choice is between a woman and her idea of a higher power. I believe if Roe vs. Wade were repealed, abortion would still go on. I care more about my economy, national security, and fiscal conservatism than I do about what women do with their bodies. It’s not my place, and I don’t believe it’s the government’s place, to make such decisions.” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain in 2008. This quote is from Meghan.

And then there will be four?

June 26, 2012

BCS Presidential oversight committee members have a meeting scheduled until 10pm Tuesday so they have time to approve a proposed four-team college football playoff.   Why so late?   Presumably so they can stay as long as it takes to assure at least one and maybe two SEC teams get in that playoff.

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There were men with bats who had clearly stolen the SF Giants’ uniforms  Monday night and were holding the real team in an undisclosed location.

Seriously what was more unlikely.  Barry Zito giving up no runs, or the Giants scoring 8?

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Sarah Palin’s back on the “death panel” rant, saying “Obamacare did in fact create a panel of faceless bureaucrats who have the power to make life and death decisions about health care funding.” Uh Sarah, we already had those, they’re called “insurance companies.”

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Marlon Byrd, recently released by the Red Sox, tested positive for a PED and was suspended 50 games. He says “It was an inexcusable mistake, resulting from a medication for a “private condition,” and he did not use the drug as a PED. Just once I want to hear a player say “Yep, I was trying to cheat, you caught me.”

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The Supreme Court upheld the part of the Arizona immigration law that allows police to check a person’s immigration status if “reasonable suspicion” exists that the person is in the United States illegally. Hmm, this means it could be dangerous to wear a Maple Leaf or cheer too loudly for the Phoenix Coyotes.

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Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from today’s Supreme Court ruling on Arizona, and suggested President Obama and the federal govt do not want to enforce their own immigration laws. Wonder how he’d feel if the govt had tight restrictions, on say, Sicilians, in the 1930s. (Scalia’s father came over as a grad student, his mother was the child of immigrants.)

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Kevin Youkilis has been traded from the Red Sox to the White Sox. The hardest part about this? All his friends and family won’t be able to watch “Youk” play every other week on ESPN or Fox when Boston plays the New York Yankees.

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A passenger on a Kenya Air flight from Amsterdam to Tanzania received a partial refund after she had to fly across the aisle from passenger who died of a heart attack. (The cabin crew had wrapped his body in blankets and laid him across 3 seats.) Although many travelers who’ve flown next to to drunks and obnoxious children would prefer the dead body.

Adds T.C.  “Watch for  Kenya Air ads to claim “People are dying to fly with us

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Mitt Romney, after dodging initial questions on the Arizona immigration decision, finally said he would have preferred the Supreme Court give more latitude to the states, not less. Does that mean as President he’d support states’ medical marijuana and gay marriage laws?

 

Anonymous joke passed on by my friend David.  “A judge today denied Jerry Sandusky’s request to serve his sentence in juvenile hall.”

On and off the level.

June 21, 2012

The BCS commissioners along with Notre Dame’s AD say they are working on a 4 team playoff for a football national championship . Presumably they will release the format as soon as they decide whether the Fighting Irish should be eligible with 3 or as many as 4 losses.

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The WBO review had all 5 judges on their review agree Manny Pacquiao beat Timothy Bradley’s. but they will not overturn the official result. And Pacquiao himself says he prefers a rematch over a reversal. Which will net all involved millions of dollars. How could anyone imagine that boxing is fixed?

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Wednesday afternoon score – Arizona 14, Seattle 10. So who started the NFL preseason when I wasn’t looking? -

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Mitt Romney’s sons said tonight on Conan they tried to convince their dad not to run. So Mitt wants us to believe he’ll listen to ordinary Americans? He won’t even listen to his family.

 

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Larry Ellison has purchased 98% of the island of Lanai. Wonder how long it will take for him to announce his plans for domination of the other Hawaiian islands?

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Cory Booker was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week.  Booker, the charismatic mayor of Newark,  achieved superhero status in many minds when he ran into a burning building to save a woman.

Of course,  if President Obama had done the same thing,  Republicans would accuse him of  too much government involvement interfering with hardworking firefighters.

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More in the “Crazy States Derby:” Arizona making a move with Sec. of State Ken Bennett, modifying the birther controversy: “I actually think he (Obama) was fibbing about being born in Kenya when he was trying to get into college and doing things like writing a book and on and on and on.”

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UConn is the only major men’s basketball program among 7 who are ineligble for post-season play based on low APRs (Academic Progress Rate). Only Hampton, North Carolina A & T and Texas Southern are banned in football. So the rest of the schools are doing fine with their student athletes….? Wonder how the NCAA sent out the press release with a straight face.

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Oil prices fell to an eight-month low today. Wonder which airline will be the first to somehow figure out a way to use that news to raise the fuel surcharge. -

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After New York mayor Bloomberg proposed a ban on large sugary sodas, the mayor of Cambridge, Mass. announced she wants to ban both large sugary beverages AND free refills. Your move, San Francisco.

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Drew Brees is being criticized for tweeting “If NFL fans were told there were ‘weapons of mass destruction’ enough times, they’d believe it.” Maybe what Brees should have tweeted was that Goodell thinks by punishing the Saints his campaign to stop players attempting deliberately injuring each other will be “mission accomplished.”

Follow the money.

April 25, 2012

Mitt Romney’ s website states “We have a moral responsibility, not to spend more than we take in.” Although Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he’s following that old W. axiom “money spent on wars doesn’t count.”

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The Golden State Warriors, who lose their draft pick to Utah if it’s not a lottery pick, are on the cusp of winning just enough games to probably finish out of that lottery. On the other hand, at least Warriors fans won’t be disappointed again by a another lousy pick.

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A case of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in California. Let’s hear it again from Mitt Romney how he wants to cut the FDA food inspection budget by 5-20 percent.

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That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants – World Peace is available!
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Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking “Dude, give it up already.

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No one quite knows why Newt Gingrich finally is saying he might drop out of the Presidential race. Maybe someone said he was wedded to the idea of running?

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Starbucks is going to open store at Disney theme parks in California and Florida. Makes sense. These are some of the few places in the world where their coffee will look like a bargain by comparison.

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The BCS is looking at a plan to have a 4 team playoff, with the big BCS bowl games played around January 1. New Year’s Day bowl games?! What a radical concept!

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A new survey of over 1,000 passengers claims the most popular seat on an average flight in economy class is 6a. Clearly “the furthest seat possible away from a screaming infant” was not an option.

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President Obama today to Jimmy Fallon about the Secret Service scandal “”What these guys were thinking, I don’t know.” Uh, Mr. President, that’s the point. They weren’t thinking. At least with their upper brains.

Scavenger hunting.

January 12, 2012

Mitt Romney is denying allegations that he is a “vulture capitalist.” He has a point, vultures only take as much as they need to survive.

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Manny Ramirez says if some MLB team gives him another chance he could be a role model. Uh, hasn’t Manny already been a role model. As in “No matter how much God-given talent you have, if you’re lazy or a cheat you can f*ck it up.”

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Glenn Beck threw out his back by bending over a coffee table. Beck will be back on air as soon as he can figure out how to blame this on President Obama.

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Apparently while Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney pushed for science to be included in the state’s testing system. If this leaks out Romney may lose his lead in the GOP primary.

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The media are making much of a new poll saying Tim Tebow is America’s favorite athlete. But to achieve that status, Tebow was chosen by 3.0% (yes three percent) of those polled. To put that in perspect, Newt Gingrich got 9.0% in New Hampshire.

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Flip Saunders, head coach of the Washington Wizards, says that he thinks his young star John Wall picked up “too many bad habits” while playing in the summer league. What, as opposed to the bad habits Wall has picked up playing for the woeful Wizards?

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A new study published on the Public Library of Science says men and women are “basically different species.” In other equally shocking news, Tim Tebow just might be very thankful to his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

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The Federal Reserve just announced that the final weeks of 2011 were the economy’s strongest. This is good news for anyone who isn’t running for the GOP Presidential nomination.

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SI.com has come out with their Top 20 college football rankings. For NEXT season. Shockingly an SEC team – LSU – is ranked #1. But USC is second, Oregon is third. (Stanford is #20.) Gentlemen, start your bowl lobbying.

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Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy for the second time in ten years. There are rumors the company may be forced to liquidate. Although the Twinkies they have produced should survive for at least another decade.

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ESPN reports Penn State University president Rodney Erickson will be talking to alums today in Pittsburgh, “some of whom aren’t happy about the way the school handled” the Sandusky scandal, the firing of Paterno, etc…. “Some?” Really? Find me ONE alum who thinks the school did a good job.
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Is this an omen? Tim Tebow and the Broncos are taking on the New England Patriots this Saturday night. For competing programming ABC is airing “Wipeout.”

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A L.A. County sheriff’s deputy has been arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into jail inside a burrito. Now there’s a concept, marijuana filled burritos – it’s one way to get buyers hungry enough to finish a whole one.

If you are reading this and like sports humor especially, highly recommend Dwight Perry’s “Sideline Chatter” in the Seattle Times. (In this column from Wednesday he took one of my jokes too.)

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/2017205546_chat11.html#.Tw6RugcUYHM.facebook

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Another night, another California overtime loss for Miami. The Heat lost 95 to 89 to the Clippers after Miami shot 20 of 34 from the free throw line. (.588.) “C’mon guys, it’s not that hard.” – commented Shaquille O’Neal.

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