Posted tagged ‘BCS jokes’

No means no taunts?

January 3, 2015

Oregon football players will be “disciplined internally” for their “No means no” chant after the Ducks’ Rose Bowl win. Well, good to see football is sending a strong message to its stars. We’ll cut you some slack on alleged sexual assaults. But don’t even think about taunting alleged rapists.

After the big New Year’s Day bowls including playoffs,  Friday’s games were the Armed Forces, Taxslayer, Alamo and Cactus Bowls. About as attractive to most fans as following the Super Bowl with the Pro Bowl.

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Speaking of attractive, reports from North Korea that a Workers’ Party official has married Kim Jong-un’s little sister. And you think it kills you to be around YOUR in-laws?

A Georgia woman remains in critical condition, after her police chief husband called 911 on New Year’s Day to say he’d “accidentally'” shot her twice. , But he had actually only shot her once. So the other time he “accidentally” missed?

Going to be below freezing for two nights in a row in Northern California. Makes sense, a number of conservative Southerners thought it would be a cold day in hell when neither an SEC or ACC team was in the college football national championship.

Under the old BCS system, FSU and Alabama would have almost certainly played for the National championship, while OSU and Oregon would have played for a #3 ranking in the Rose Bowl. So how long will it take the SEC to call for a “return to tradition.”?

 

 

UCLA against #11 Kansas State, continued a ‪#‎Pac12‬ trend of showing the Eastern Sports Programming Network ‪#‎ESPN‬ what they’ve been missing all year.

 

Washington looked so bad in ‪#‎CactusBowl‬ against Oklahoma State the Huskies have just been named honorary member of SEC West.

Bummer, Donna Douglas, who played Elly May on the “Beverly Hillbillies” has died. Stewed squirrel on the menu in Heaven tonight!

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Harry Reid, 75, was exercising when an elastic band on a piece of equipment broke. The senator then fell and broke “a number of ribs and bones in his face.” And millions of Americans are now tearing up their New Year’s resolutions because they’re WAY too dangerous.

 

-A man and woman were trapped in a closet for two days until police rescued them. And then they found out the closet wasn’t actually locked. You guessed it, Florida (If only they had been armed.)

 

Apparently Carmelo Anthony, struggling with a knee injury, might shut it down for the remainder of the season. Only about 30 games later than the rest of the Knicks.

 

As we approach Wild Card Weekend…. Bill Littlejohn, on Ndamakong Suh winning his suspension appeal by saying that his feet were numb and that he didn’t know that he was stepping on Aaron Rodgers.So I guess we call the incident ‘Numb and Numb-er’

God bless America. A U.S. District Judge ruled that Florida must start issuing same-sex marriage licenses next week. And clerks in at least five counties say they’ll end courthouse weddings for EVERYONE to avoid the order. Since it’s Florida, wonder how much it would help if gay couples wanting to marry showed up with guns?

 

 

And while the internet is back up (just, which is how this was posted),  Who’d a thunk I’d ever write this in 2015? Comcast has been down for over nine hours in Palo Alto. Fortunately I’m not cut off because I have a Blackberry. ‪#‎happydinosaur‬

This picture might be worth 2,000 words.

January 2, 2015

As tweeted by Danny Nanell    “The SEC Programming Network tomorrow.”

 

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For the first time since 2005, there will be no ‪#‎SEC‬ team in the BCS National Championship. No punch line, I just like writing it.

 

 

Children in Africa tonight will be rejoicing over a shipment of brand new FSU vs. Alabama National Championship T-shirts.

 

 

Many Florida State players refused to shake hands with Oregon players after the Rose Bowl samples. Maybe they were worried about giving possible DNA samples?

Early in the 4th quarter,  ESPN said ‪#‎Oregon‬  was “executing.” Yep, execution was the right term. FSU was looking for a clemency call from the governor.. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

Good thing ‪#‎FSU‬ didn’t bring their 2013 BCS championship crystal trophy to the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. They probably would have dropped it. ‪#‎OREvsFSU‬

One Big Ten excuse in various Rose Bowls over the years is that Midwest teams have sometimes been distracted by a week in warm weather. Florida State might need to come up with a new one.

As Lee Slice pointed out, the national championship is now – – the Rose Bowl.  (Big 10 vs. Pac 10/12)

 

Like many, I had hard time deciding who to root against more? Nick Saban or Urban Meyer?    I think my son had it right, rooting for a 2nd half brawl that gets some players from the winning team suspended against Oregon.

(Of course, in retrospect, another reason to be happy about the OSU win, we know we won’t have to watch Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin on the sidelines.)

Lewis Rudolph, 95, a co-founder of Krispy Kreme, has died. So presume instead of being embalmed he will be glazed?

 

Undocumented immigrants can now get drivers licenses in California.  While there are some issues where good people can disagree as to whether this is a good or bad idea, there’s one absolutely good thing about it – undocumented immigrants can now also get car insurance in California.  #andnotliketheywerentgoingtodriveanyway

 

Mario Cuomo has died at the age of 82. When it came to whether or not to run for President his decision-making abilities rivaled those of Brett Favre. But a very smart man, and one of the best political speakers of our time: “The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman.”

Questions and answers?

December 7, 2014

So the answer to ‘Who’s got it better than us?” is now “Even the Raiders?” ‪#‎SFvsOAK‬

 

Bright spot Sunday for Jim Harbaugh. He had to like the looks of the team he’ll probably be coaching next year. ‪#‎SFvsOAK‬

After Sunday’s shut out loss, finally an appropriate new name for D.C.s ‪#‎NFL‬ team – the Washington Trainwrecks. ‪#‎Redskins‬

TCU beat Iowa State 55-3, and fell out of the College Football Playoffs. A joint crying-towel party will no doubt be arranged for Horned Frogs fans along with fans of whichever NFL team has to go on the road to face the eventual winner of the NFL South.

Another game with last-minute heroics from Andrew Luck. Although it’s not impossible to stop him from winning a game late – just ask David Shaw. (Fiesta Bowl, 2012. No, Stanford fans aren’t bitter….)

LeBron James, on his Cavs playing tonight in front of Prince William and Kate. “The stuff that you read about, people like them are only in books growing up. And to hear that they’re coming to town to see me play and they want to see me do what I do best, it’s a huge honor.” Shocking statement to many – NBA players read books growing up?

The supposed reason the BCS has a four-team playoff instead of eight is that extending the season would interfere with studies. Yes, and they said this with a straight face.

The Times (UK) will apparently publish a full report Friday of a passenger plane in July nearly being hit by a drone at Heathrow airport. In Europe, this might lead to restrictions on buying drones in shops. In the U.S. airlines may use it to institute a “drone-avoidance” fee.

 

A Las Vegas officer fatally shot a robbery suspect Sunday morning inside the Rio Hotel and Casino after he allegedly didn’t comply with their commands and reached for his waist. In good news for police around the country, the suspect had a gun and was white.

Defeated Louisiana senator Mary Landrieu, in her concession speech, said she didn’t regret her vote for Obamacare, which the GOP attacked her on. “This is something to be proud of, and I’m glad we fought for it.” Maybe if Landrieu had been defending her votes and her President all along, the outcome might have been different.

With all the controversy about the ACA – aka Obamacare – many Americans lose sight of the fact that before this bill, most Presidents since Truman had tried and failed to enact healthcare legislation. And the GOP sure didn’t have an alternative. ‪#‎sourgrape

The best of games, the worst of games.

October 19, 2014

And some people still think football players don’t need math skills. Tulane QB Nick Montana spiked the ball today near the end of the first half to stop the clock. On fourth down….. ‪#‎Oops‬

 

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill has filed for the trademark Kenny Trill, “Trill” apparently being a new word meaning “true and real.” So after today’s 59-0 blowout by Alabama does that mean it’s “true” that A&M is “real”ly over-rated?

 

Notre Dame game winning TD  against FSU  called back for offensive pass interference.  Guess the Fighting Irish couldn’t bring their own officiating crew from South Bend

#‎WestVirginia‬ upsets Baylor. And the Mountaineers will be getting flower deliveries from every one-loss ‪#‎SEC‬ school. ‪#‎BAYvsWVU‬ .

Oklahoma’s star senior kicker Michael Hunnicutt missed a potential game winning 19 yd field goal, after missing a 32 yd attempt earlier, and having a extra point blocked. If the Sooners end up playing Stanford in a bowl there won’t be enough Maalox in the country for fans of both teams during place kicks.

Although be careful what you wish for. No doubt many Stanford football fans were hoping tonight’s game against ASU wouldn’t come down to a field goal attempt by Jordan Williamson..

Blake Griffin said he is frustrated over continued hard fouls, and “probably” will start retaliating if they continue. Could result in a big jump in Clippers’ TV ratings….

So its now harder to vote than to buy a gun in ‪#‎Texas‬.

If seniors weren’t traditionally conservative voters have to figure Republicans would be trying to stop all this early voting in Florida. With the excuse that some percentage of these voters won’t still be alive on election day.

 

Interesting  ‪#‎FSUvsND‬ matchup, One QB coming off a year’s suspension, another looking like he deserves one.

President Obama today on Ebola “This is a serious disease, but we can’t give in to hysteria or fear — because that only makes it harder to get people the accurate information they need. We have to be guided by the science.” Science? Really? That’s it. Now FOX News is really convinced the President isn’t a real American.

Spectacular. According to Texas’s new Voter ID laws, a veteran’s ID or student ID will NOT be acceptable as identification, even with photos on them. A concealed handgun license IS acceptable. Can we just let them secede NOW?

For all those who think baseball is boring, thanks to Dwight Perry for this from Vox.com – The breakdown of a Cincinnati-New England televised NFL game on Oct 6::

. Players standing around between plays: 35.5 percent
• Commercials: 24.5 percent
• Replays: 10.7 percent
• Coach shots: 4.9 percent
• Referee shots: 3.2 percent
• Halftime: 3.2 percent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 percent
• On-screen promotions: 2 percent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 percent

Actual football being played? 8.3 percent.

By the numbers.

September 13, 2014

Virginia Tech, who upset Ohio State last week, today lost to Eastern Carolina. Just thinking if you are a Big Ten fan, might be safe to make vacation plans during the BCS playoffs.

In tonight’s UCLA-Texas football game, UCLA won the coin toss, and elected to defer. But then Texas chose to kick off. So the Bruins got the ball to start BOTH halves. Texas edukation at its finest.

To be fair, maybe the Longhorns wanted to receive in the third half?

Just to put things in perspective, BC, with a 37 to 31 win tonight over USC, was inside the Trojan 35 yard line 7 times. 2 times LESS than Stanford last week.

Unlike Stanford, Boston College decided not to use the 30 yard line to go into their prevent offense.

Although today, Army was shut out by ‪#‎Stanford‬ 35 to 0.   Clearly this is Commander in Chief Obama’s fault.

More “stuff” you cannot make up. Newt Gingrich has now signed the “Family Leader” group’s “Marriage Vow,” which includes a “pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” So Newt will not cheat on Calista, the third wife he cheated with when he was married to his second wife, with whom he cheated with on this first wife….

 

Dan Snyder said of Roger Goodell- “We are fortunate to have him as our Commissioner. The entire Washington Redskins organization strongly endorses his efforts…” Well, yeah, no sh*t. With Goodell lately, the Redskins name drama has been knocked completely off the front page.

 

 

Some statements don’t even need a punchline: This advice to Ray Rice “To Ray, or anybody else… It’s all about how you control yourself.” From Chris Brown.

Taylor Swift is now saying “I didn’t really love any of my exes’ So how long until she turns that sentiment into a song?

New MLB slogan: When we suspend players, it’s because they only illegally hit baseballs.

 

So police were called to that brawl involving the Palins, and the family was asked to leave. No arrests have been made but the investigation is ongoing as apparently it was a “verbal and physical altercation” Guess it’s not just the President Sarah means when she says “Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.”

 

 

 

The average space between airline seats in 1990 was about 34-36 inches, now it’s more like 30-32. Well, it’s a good thing that Americans are getting smaller too…. Oops, never mind.

 

Police detained a man on a Southwest plane in Seattle because on 9/11 other passengers noticed he was using names for his wi-fi hot spot like “Southwest – Bomb on Board.” and “The Bomb is on this Seat.” Then something about the flight attendant being hot. No word on charges, but figure they should include felony stupidity.

Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

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Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

Early Christmas blessings.

December 22, 2013

Thinking the BCS should be sending San Jose State’s team a major Christmas present. Had the Spartans not beaten Fresno State, the Bulldogs instead of being humiliated in Las Vegas by USC, would have been blown out in a major BCS bowl.

 

So in “Miracle on 34th Street”, much is made over the question of whether a beloved but allegedly fictional character is real. Sort of like if they made a move about a Chicago Cub wearing a World Series ring.

 

Washington State did such an incredible job of snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory. Are we sure Tony Romo isn’t somehow involved?

Who’d have expected this a handful of years ago? That USC beating Stanford in football would have been an upset? And that the Trojans’ reward for that win would have been a berth in today’s Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl?

Meanwhile USC fans chanted “over-rated” at Fresno State as the Trojans demolished the Bulldogs. And really, the only chance Fresno State probably would have had in the game is if Lane Kiffin were still coaching at USC.

 

Some people seem to have a problem with the idea that “freedom of religion” doesn’t mean just “freedom to follow MY religion.” And the same folks also don’t seem to get that “free speech” doesn’t just mean “freedom to say something I agree with.”

 

That infamous PR executive who tweeted “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!” has been fired. Guessing unless she changes her name, she won’t have to explain to any other potential future employer “So why did you leave your last position?”

Lindsey Vonn, who thought she injured her right knee today in a fall during the World Cup Downhill, says she didn’t do any new damage and she still plans to compete in the Sochi Olympics. Who does Lindsey think she is? RGIII?

 

Guess Scott Boras miscalculated. Shin Soo Choo ended up signing with the Texas Rangers for 7 years, and only $130 million, after he reportedly earlier turned down 7 years and $140 million with the Yankees. Poor Choo, how will he feed his family?

 

Uh oh, now what do some in the GOP do? In a People magazine interview, when the President was asked “Who would you rather spend the day with: Kim and Kanye or the Duck Dynasty Family?’ Obama said the Duck Dynasty family, that “they seem like a pretty fun bunch” and he has watched the show on Air Force One.

 

Target’s commercials – “Expect more, pay less.”  Well, they may have the “pay less” down. But 40 million people expected more security.


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