Posted tagged ‘basketball jokes’

If you’re reading this…. shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

March 18, 2015

Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”

 

Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?

President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”

 

#‎ESPN‬ headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. ‪#‎Kentucky‬ ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Arizona‬ etc. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”

Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?

Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”

Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.

Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.

 

From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.

The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.

T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?

Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.

Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”

‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, on so many levels.

Opening day, and night, and twilight….

March 30, 2014

So the Dodgers have already played 2 regular season games in Australia, and now got the ESPN Opening Sunday night game? What, did the Yankees turn MLB down?

 

So Brian Wilson came in with a 1-0 lead in the 8th, and gave up 3 runs in a 3-1 Dodgers loss to the San Diego Padres. Welcome to Torture, Los Angeles.

In an article to be published in “Management Science,” researchers found that umpires were 16% more likely to call a ball a strike for a five-time All Star than for a pitcher who had never been in the All-Star game. And the the bias “was even stronger when the pitcher had a reputation for precise control” (like Greg Maddux.) Baseball fans are looking for the accompanying article saying water is wet.

 

Jeopardy is turning 50 this week. What is “What is that question I can’t remember” for $600. Alex?

That profanity-accompanied sound you heard at #ESPN and in the #WhiteHouse is a lot of shredding brackets.#UConn #MarchMadness

 

So wonder how long it will take FOX to claim that President Obama’s picking MSU to win it all was the reason the Spartans lost in the Elite Eight?

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill, 19, has been suspended indefinitely following his arrest for public intoxication. Maybe when Aggie fans told Hill he could be the next Johnny Football, they should have been more specific.

There were riots last night in Tucson after the University of Arizona’s men’s basketball team lost in the Elite 8. Scary to imagine what would have happened if the Wildcats had actually won it all.

 

The GOP is claiming that the last minute rush to meet the Obamacare deadline March 31 is a sign of the weakness of the legislation. Of course had it been President Romney in charge the Republican narrative would have been about setting limits to motivate people.

In Washington, a sign of the apocalypse? “Wizards can clinch playoff spot tonight. #IblameObama

 

Cal basketball coach Mike Montgomery may be retiring. Wonder if Stanford’s trip to the Sweet 16 scuttled any hopes he might have had of returning to coach the Cardinal next year?

 

 

So it begins, Chris Christie has apologized to Sheldon Adelson for a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition in which he recalled an Israel trip where he took “a helicopter ride from the occupied territories….”

 

Now the CNN headline is “Most Promising Leads” detected for MH370. Whether or not they find the plane, someone at the network can write a book someday. “1,000 ways to say nothing.”

Missed it by just over two Pi much

March 22, 2014

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in a March Madness game: “MSU has to match the physicality of Harvard.”

 

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Watching MSU coach Tom Izzo being interviewed after his Spartans’ escape from Harvard tonight, have to figure that more than a few straight shots will be ordered at MSU’s hotel’s bar. #Waytoocloseforcomfort

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So sad watching some of these freshman stars when their teams are knocked out of March Madness. Why, they gave their schools some of the best months of their lives.

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55 to 53. Did Dayton just beat Syracuse in a bowl game they threw in when no one was looking?

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NY Jets QB Geno Smith says that the signing of Michael Vick is “awesome.” Makes sense, no matter how rocky Smith’s next season is, he still probably won’t be the most booed QB in town.

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Says something about insurance and lawyers in this country when the Allstate “world’s worst cleaning lady” commercial has the actor pretending to fall down the stairs backwards and they need to caption it “Demonstration only, do not attempt.”

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CBS March Madness announcer Andrew Catalon apologized to Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski, who is Polish born, after Catalon described OSU’s strategy of fouling Karnowski as “Hack-a-Polack.” Proving alas that even in the modern age, you don’t need Twitter to make a public a** of yourself.

(My friend Nate Coombs suggested what he SHOULD have called the strategy  – “Whack a Pole.”)

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Go figure. The SEC didn’t win the NCAA football championship, but could win the NCAA men’s basketball championship. Hope it’s not a sign of the apocalypse?

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Miami Heat have lost 7 of 11 games.   And they’re still 9 games up on the third place team in their conference. Although, to be fair, this year if the NBA East was in college football, their winner might not even be BCS Bowl eligible.

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Kristen Bell was lambasted on Fox News for tweeting “Sorry RNC -rich people SHOULD pay higher taxes because they can afford it. End. Of. Story. xo a rich person.” What happened to defending freedom of speech? Would it help if Kristen wore camouflage?

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CNN has now brought a psychic on air for her opinion on what happened to MH370. Real shame Paul the Octopus is no longer with us. #whatsnext

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Kansas State was assessed a technical foul yesterday, when a player dunked in warm-ups 19 minutes and 58 seconds before the game started. (No dunking is allowed within 20 minutes of tip-off.) Kentucky then got two pre-game free throws. Baseball fans’ reaction: “And they make fun of the balk rule?”

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The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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A satire site, the Daily Currant, posted that Sarah Palin said maybe Malaysian Air 370 “flew too high and ended up in heaven.” Be honest, how many people saw that and thought “Well she COULD have said it.”

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

Counting sheep, brackets, etc.

March 20, 2014

New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.

#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA

But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.

Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game.  It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.

Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.

But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.

The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami

NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.

New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.

The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.

Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?

Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.

Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.

The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.

Public and private.

March 15, 2014

Mark Zuckerberg apparently has called President Obama to complain about the U.S. government’s surveillance program. Guess he believes collecting personal data on Americans should be left to the private sector.

 

John McCain said today that the USA providing long-term military assistance to Ukraine is “”the right and decent thing to do.” With all due respect, is there any trouble spot in the world where John McCain doesn’t think providing military assistance is the right thing to do?

 

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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $400 million. The scary thing, as improbable as winning is, the odds are still better than for Warren Buffet’s $1 billion bracket challenge.

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Always seems a bit odd when they introduce NBA players as being from a certain university. When they were at said school for maybe a semester and a half.

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This tells you all you need to know about the NBA Eastern Conference: The Cleveland Cavaliers, 26-40, are only 3 1/2 games out of a playoff spot.

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Hell Freezing Over moment for the week. An athlete being honest about dollars: Steve Nash, responding to those who think he should walk away from the NBA ““The reality is, I’m not going to retire because I want the money.”

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Richard Sherman is now engaged in a Twitter battle with various other cornerbacks. Hard to imagine in retrospect him and Jim Harbaugh in the same locker room…. even harder to imagine anyone else at Stanford getting a word in edgewise.

 

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At this point there are more theories on what happened to that Malaysian plane than there are permutations for filling out March Madness brackets.

 

 

And I’m a “when you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras” kind of gal. But with this Malaysian Airlines plane story we’re running out of potential explanations that aren’t zebras.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf
Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf

Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

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Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?

 

 

A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

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Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

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Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

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Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

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A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

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United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

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Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….

 

 

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Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”

 

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?

 

Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….

 

(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)

 

Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?

 

 

This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”


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