Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Immortality and other options.

March 25, 2015

Still so impressed by Mo’ne Davis’s gracious response to the baseball playing idiot who posted an offensive tweet about her. And my sense is we will be hearing about Mo’ne and what she accomplishes in her life for a long time. As opposed to what’s his name.

 

Remember “Jon and Kate Plus 8?” Now former reality star Jon Gosselin says he is considering running for the state legislature in Pennsylvania. Gosselin hasn’t said what party, which will no doubt set up a heated battle between Dems and the GOP. “You take him, no YOU take him.”

GOP Rep. Peter King just referred to Ted Cruz as a “carnival barker.” Prompting calls for an apology. From carnival barkers.

A Detroit TV reporter who asked Jim Harbaugh if he is worth the 7-year $38 million contract he signed. And the new Michigan coach responded “No.” You start seeing why Harbaugh is back at the college level. He’s too honest to be an NFL coach.

Indiana Senator Dan Coats retired in 1998. Evan Bayh ran for and won his seat. Then Bayh retired in 2010 and Coats came back and won the seat again. Now Coats is retiring once more. All eyes are on Bayh. If Evan runs will he offer a job as a special consultant to Brett Favre?

At Miller Park this year, the Milwaukee Brewers will sell “Deep Fried Nachos” – beef and beans, rolled in crushed Doritos, fried on a stick and topped with sour cream and cheese. Fans can presumably buy a package including Nacho sticks, a beer, and a turn at the defibrillator.

You cannot make this “stuff” up.    Ted Cruz, who in announcing his candidacy for the Presidency said Monday that he would work to repeat Obamacare, said Tuesday that because his wife is leaving her Goldman Sachs job and losing her insurance that he will sign up for Obamacare.

(as my friend Ian reminds us “You do not like them. SO you say.  Try them! Try them!  And you may. Try them and you may I say.)

 

 

Wisconsin men’s basketball forward Sam Dekker on coach Bo Ryan’s game plan. “We try not to do dumb stuff.” So if the Badgers win it all this year, maybe Ryan could retire and run for Congress?

 

Miss Universe Japan, who was apparently born and raised in Nagasaki, is being criticized by some as not Japanese enough because she is biracial. (Mom is Japanese, dad is African-American.) Out of habit, Donald Trump is demanding to see her birth certificate.

The NFL has announced they are planning a “golden” celebration all year for the upcoming 50th Super Bowl. And of course to attend the game, SERIOUS gold will be required.

Jason Collins testified today against a bill in Indiana that would allow business owners in the state to deny service to same-sex couples for religious reasons. So will the bill also allow hotel owners to demand to see marriage licenses for couples booking a room? Or proof of being a married couple of childbearing age for Viagra prescriptions? For starters?

Sad news about Germanwings (4U) 9525. These airline crashes provoke such different reactions: Friends and families are devastated, the travel industry tries to reassure other travelers, and CNN and media are trying not to appear thankful for the ratings boost.

Who knew?

March 10, 2015

Hottest accessory in ‪#‎NFL‬ locker rooms this preseason? Badges in team colors saying “Hi, my name is….”

How many NFL teams will be playing a new theme song?    “The Who'”s  “Who Are You?”

Jake Locker has announced his retirement from the NFL. Jake Locker was still in the NFL?

So is ‪#‎JedYork‬ trying to change the ‪#‎49ers‬ new motto from ‪#‎Winningwithclass‬ to ‪#‎Losingwithanass‬? ‪#‎sf49ers‬

 

All this controversy about a bunch of potentially embarrassing emails, and then 47 GOP senators decide to go ahead and prove you can write something absolutely embarrassing in an old-fashioned letter

The latest Hillary Clinton email scandal, that she said her email server “contains personal communications from my husband and me.” And Bill has said he has only sent two emails in his entire life, but he loves Twitter. So maybe Hillary is lying. Or maybe she’s just another woman whose husband who responds either with silence, or 140 character or less answers.

 

The Boston ‪#‎RedSox‬ have to be wondering, what will ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ say about THEM when he moves onto his next team?

A 27 year-old Central Florida woman was apparently so focused on her texting that she walked into a moving freight train.. While she sustained injuries to her right arm and leg, the woman was expected to survive. And somewhere again Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

The Wisconsin Timber Rattlers, a minor league affiliate of the Milwaukee Brewers, are introducing a new “Funnel Cake Burger” this summer. Featuring a beef patty, bacon and cheese, sandwiched between two sugar dusted funnel cakes. The price is $20, but presume it comes with a discount coupon for an EKG.

Woman on a bench outside our office, talking loudly on a iPhone speaker about her business deals. So tempting to ask her to speak up a bit so we can take notes.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for indecent exposure for sitting naked outside a Dunkin’ Donuts. She told police she did it as a dare. Well, this time it’s pretty easy to guess Florida. Sure wouldn’t happen now in Boston.

South Dakota may join Idaho, Texas, Utah and Wyoming as states with 80 MPH speed limits. Interesting enough, they’re all states you might want to drive like a bat out of hell to get out of….

 

Apparently Tri-Delta sorority members were also on that SAE party bus where they were singing the racist chant, and some may have been involved. The National Chapter of Delta Delta Delta released a statement saying “the behavior documented in the video is deplorable and is in no way consistent with Tri Delta’s ideals and core values.” Well this is a bit of a shock. Sororities have “core values?”

Busted and broken.

March 5, 2015

Hunter Pence may have a broken arm after being hit by a pitch from Chicago Cubs prospect Corey Black. So is this the Cubs’ strategy to win the NL this year? Start eliminating the competition?

Harrison Ford has apparently been injured when a small plane he was piloted crashed onto a Southern California golf course. Was Ford trying to adjust his left blinker at the time?

Some very smart high-energy dogs, like Border Collies and Jack Russell terriers, can be great to have around, but they are easily bored. Which means when they have nothing to do, they FIND something to do. Now, how would you like to be Bruce Bochy with a sidelined Hunter Pence hanging out in the SF Giants dugout?

And we thought the Jeter circus was over. Today Brian Cashman said – “As far as I’m concerned, and I’m not the decision-maker on this, that captaincy should be retired with number 2. I wouldn’t give up another captain title to anybody else.” So Jeter isn’t just the most-hyped Yankee ever, he’s the most important Yankee ever? ‪#‎sowhenwillNYmakeJetersbirthdayaholiday‬?

With all this flap over Hillary’s emails, wonder if Joe Biden is begging reporters to ask about HIS emails? Somebody, anybody want to read them? Please?

The woman who was sexting with Anthony Weiner now is claiming that an unnamed Democratic politician from the Midwest sent her texts begging to be “to be tied up and left in a closet.” Ah for the good old days when men just picked up prostitutes in hotel bars.

 

Your daily Florida item?    A Fort Myers man is claiming he fatally shot his neighbor in self-defense. Then he put the body in his pickup and drove to his lawyer’s office. Come on, Texas and Arizona, catch up!

So regarding Daniel Murphy and his “gay lifestyle” comment, what’s a “gay lifestyle?” Know gay working parents and couples who seem to have a lifestyle that doesn’t differ much from my heterosexual friends. Is he implying single gays hook up more often than single heterosexuals. Think the success of Tinder would indicate otherwise…..

Meanwhile, regarding that “heterosexual lifestyle, ”  Chris Soules, the “Bachelor”, is apparently now going on “Dancing With The Stars.” Is it just me, or is it seeming increasingly likely this guy isn’t ever going back to farming in Iowa?

The Pittsburgh ‪#‎Steelers‬ are apparently set to release ‪#‎TroyPolamalu‬. So sad, forget the face, he’s been the hair of the franchise.

A Delta flight today landed at New York’s LaGuardia airport and skidded off the runway into a snow bank. So did they at least give passengers credit for the extra distance traveled in their frequent flier accounts?

LaGuardia announced today their airport was is closed due to a runway “incident.” “Incident?!”. Right. Better I guess than saying “We gotta broken plane that’s stuck in a snowbank. You gotta problem with that?”

 

From T.C.  “A Delta flight skidded off the runway this morning during a steady snowfall at New York’s LaGuardia airport. Passengers evacuated safely and were bussed to a nearby Delta terminal. The ones that paid the $5 Bus Fee, that is.”

The price of buying a clue clearly has gone up….

February 27, 2015

Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.

To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..

KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.

In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?

Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.

Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”

 

Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? ‪#‎thanksurbanmeyer‬

 

A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.

NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.

Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?

From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”

The name game?

February 24, 2015

The Atlanta Braves’ B.J. Upton now wants to be known as Melvin Upton, Jr. Talk about a player to be named later.

Yep, cigarettes can kill you. But usually not this quickly. A man driving along the Columbia River in Oregon stopped to smoke and take a selfie while a train passed. He didn’t see another train coming from the other direction. ‪#‎Darwinawardoftheweek‬

It’s really a shame we don’t have Joan Rivers around to dish on how tacky it was to exclude her from the “In Memoriam” Oscars segment.

Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t bring your mom as your Oscar date when you’ve just starred in a soft-core porn flick. But just imagine how awkward the interview might have been if instead of bringing Melanie Griffith, Dakota Johnson had brought her father….

The Oscar ratings fell to a four-year low last night. Not sure what the Academy could do about the trend. Maybe something heretical like nominate more movies people have actually seen?

So we’re looking at a Homeland Security Department shutdown because the GOP is trying to tie a funding bill to a rollback of Obama’s executive actions on immigration. So where’s Giuliani’s rant on ‘loving your country” now?

Kristi Capel,, a Fox news anchor in Ohio referred to Lady Gaga’s performance as “jigaboo” music, and then in her apology said “I had no idea it was a word or what it meant. ” Uh, Kristi, here’s a hint, if you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it.

 

New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has said a return to a 154 game schedule is “not impossible.” And ESPN responded “As long as it doesn’t cut down on Yankees-Red Sox games.”

 

KC ‪#‎Royals‬ manager Ned Yost: “I think without Madison we would be champions.” ‪#‎ThatswhytheycallittheMVPaward‬

Phil Jackson actually called out his Knicks team on Twitter last night. What’s more surprising. That the Knicks are this bad, or that Jackson knows how to use Twitter?

 

Louisville dismissed men’s basketball starting guard Chris Jones after campus police released a report that says he texted a woman who had “messed up his room” that he would “smack TF out of” her.” So maybe Jones is violent, maybe he isn’t. But if nothing else the man should be dismissed for being stupid enough to put a threat in a text.

Still sleepless after all these years.

February 16, 2015

SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.

 

Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.

 

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

 

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

 

It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.

#‎Bassomatic‬. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

Who knew ‪#‎MileyCyrus‬ could perform with all her clothes on? ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

 

Why oh why couldn’t ‪#‎SNL40‬ have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ tonight?

Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”

In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)

7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.

And that’s the way it is. Well, kinda, sorta….

February 7, 2015

Note to Brian Williams. Forrest Gump was a fantasy movie, not a mission statement.

 

Now that ‪#‎BrianWilliams‬ has stepped down most the trusted newscaster in America might well be ‪#‎JonStewart‬

 

A serious thought about Brian Williams, as Dr. Gregory House once said, “Everybody lies.” And most parents have a version of the “walking to school three miles in the snow, uphill both ways” story for their kids. But when your entire career is based on trustworthiness, thinking he should have stepped down maybe less for the lie, than his stupidity in thinking that he was always going to get away with it.

Bruce Jenner was involved in a multi-vehicle accident in Southern California. And of course it would be inappropriate for anyone to make women driver jokes.

Browns QB Brian Hoyer said today that the NFL’s investigation of text-messages from the Cleveland front office could affect his thinking if he becomes a free agent. Well, or at least it sounds classier than saying “I don’t want to work for any team that thought it was a good idea to draft Johnny Train Wreck.”

A GOP congressman from Maine is being criticized by many conservatives for his vote this week against a proposal to repeal Obamacare. But Bruce Poliquin says that while he is against the ACA, he thinks a replacement plan should be ready first, and besides, the House has already voted against it many times. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Is this guy trying to be drummed out of the Republican party for excessive common sense?

Chevrolet has decided that per Tom Brady’s wishes, they will give the truck he won as Super Bowl MVP directly to Malcolm Butler instead. The only thing, instead of Brady, the rookie will now have to pay the income taxes on the $35,000 the company says the Chevy Colorado is worth. You’d think they would have at least tried to underinflate the truck’s value.

San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone wants to put morals clauses in Catholic school teacher contracts, whereby they could be punished or dismissed for (his quote) “escorting a woman into an abortion clinic, handing out contraception to students, or for being a member of a white supremacist group.” Right, because whatever your beliefs, those three things are SO equivalent.

But hey, pedophilia?  Crickets.  Everything that is not forbidden…

A Florida woman just gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. FSU immediately offered the child a football scholarship.

 

Increasingly the ‪#‎Knicks‬ at Madison Square Garden are less a road game for most ‪#‎NBA‬ teams than an expense paid vacation to New York

 

New commissioner Rob Manfred says MLB will start awarding the All-Star games by a Super Bowl-type bidding process. And the Yankees and Dodgers are thinking, “Great, can we just doing the World Series the same way?”


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