Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Johnny Come Lately

August 17, 2014

Cleveland Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel said he was late for a team meeting last week because he misread a change in the schedule. Good thing Manziel doesn’t have to read anything complicated for his job, like a playbook.

 

-

Der Spiegel, a German magazine is reporting that Germany’s foreign intelligence agency eavesdropped on calls by John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. At this point does anyone think we’re not all spying on each other?

 

Westboro Baptist Church is apparently planning a protest outside Robin Williams’ funeral. Where is Kiss’s Gene Simmons when you really need him?

 

 

Rumors are that Beyonce and Jay Z are heading toward divorce. What’s really scary? More Americans are better informed on this possible split than they are about things like Ebola and ISIS/ISIL.

-

So it’s “news” that Jessa Duggar is engaged. She’s a “star” on “19 and counting.” Wonder if Andy Warhol figured that someday you’d get more than 15 minutes because your parents decided to have a litter

-.

A pregnant Texas woman was focused on registering her son for pre-kindergarten that she ended up delivering her fourth child at the school. Wonder if she pre-registered the new baby while she was at it?

-

The worst thing about Texas Governor #RickPerry being indicted: Molly Ivins isn’t still alive to write about it.

-

A 16 year old Virginia girl is in stable condition after being shot by her father, a sheriff’s deputy who mistook her for an intruder. So how do you stop a good guy with a gun?

-

Coach Brian Kelly expressed “shock” and disappointment” over the Notre Dame football academic scandal. Shock and disappointment over the cheating, or the getting caught?

-

-

From Stewart Mandel’s column on the academic suspensions at Notre Dame – “the investigation is still unfolding and could prove much uglier….The school felt compelled to notify the NCAA and has already acknowledged the possibility of having to vacate wins from previous seasons.” So could Stanford end up finally winning that 2012 game where Stepfan Taylor should have had a TD?

-

The Detroit Tigers gave away 10,000 Miguel Cabrera bobbleheads last night. Which celebrated him as the NL MVP. Well, at least the bobblehead didn’t refer to him as Melky Cabrera….

Fast times?

August 13, 2014

Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been charged with reckless driving for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone in Virginia’s Fairfax County. Locals are shocked. With D.C. area traffic, they didn’t think there was anywhere you could get going that fast..

(Meanwhile in Los Angeles the Dodgers are thinking “Nobody tell Puig”)

-

Justin Bieber avoided a DUI conviction by pleading guilty today to misdemeanor charges of careless driving and resisting arrest stemming from his run in with Miami Beach police this January. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Bieber’s next arrest?
-

Apparently Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian think someone working on their TV show has been stealing jewelry and cash from their homes, and are saying if the thief isn’t caught they won’t film season 10 of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Which could be the biggest incentive ever for lazy police work.

-

White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson, after a play was overturned for the Chicago catcher blocking the plate, and the SF Giants went on to score 7 runs in the inning. “Next thing you know we’ll have catchers wearing skirts out there.” Wonder if SF Giants fans can take up a collection to have Hunter Pence wear a skirt on Friday night.

-

OK, so the plate blocking rule needs tweaking & it gave the #SFGiants a run today against the #Whitesox. But it didn’t give them the next 6.

-

-
Airline customer service at its finest. American Airlines offers a traveler a $500 voucher to take a later flight. He accepts. Certificate can be redeemed by phone, where AA has a ticketing charge. Or at an AA ticket office. Except the airline has closed their ticket offices. Only humans who can issue ticket are at the airports.

-

-
An American woman and her boyfriend were arrested when the body of the woman’s mother was found stuffed inside a suitcase at the St. Regis in Bali. What was the couple thinking? They’d have never gotten the suitcase on a plane without serious overweight baggage charges.

-

-

Rush Limbaugh yesterday suggested that Robin Williams committed suicide because of his “leftist world view.” “What is the left’s world view in general?” “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?” Annie Savoy in Bull Durham got it right – “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness.”

-

Edward Snowden, interviewed on returning to the U.S. “I told the government I’d volunteer for prison, as long as it served the right purpose. I care more about the country than what happens to me.” And then Snowden presumably returned to his project of trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the Russians.

-

Rand Paul was asked to name one word for when he thinks of Chris Christie. His answer “Bridges.” Wonder if Paul will try to get Simon and Garfunkel at a campaign event.

-

After a reported two-month long investigation, three women in Redwood City massage parlors were arrested today or alleged solicitation of prostitution, pimping and pandering. Because there’s so little crime in Northern California that police have nothing better to do?

-

Tried a new hair gloss and decided actually to read the directions. “Caution. For external use only.” Wow, glad I saw that…

Up in the air.

August 10, 2014

Two dozen people were stuck at the top of the “Joker’s Jinx” roller coaster at Six Flags America in Maryland. All were rescued unharmed, but after several hours. So the ride may be closed for a while. If for no other reason than to clean the seats.

 

At least two people were arrested for fighting in an autograph line for FSU QB Jameis Winston. Although if they end up in jail, at least the folks have a chance to meet other football players.

-

The Angels and Red Sox go 19 last night, the Blue Jays and Tigers go 19 today. Wow. These games lasted longer than the Cubs’ pennant hopes.

-

Never heard much about the movie “Draft Day.” But an excellent airplane movie. And to my mind a lot more fun to watch than pre-season football.

-

 

In Northern California, a hunter was shot in a hunting accident and airlifted to a hospital. If only he had been armed.

-

 

It’s a different world across the pond. England already has much tougher gun laws (and far fewer murders and accidental killings) than the U.S. But now there are proposed laws to require mandatory jail for anyone convicted twice of offences involving knives. And these laws passed overwhelming in the House of Commons and appear to have strong public support.

-

Great quote from Sayeeda Warsi, who just resigned from the Conservative Cabinet in England over Gaza: “Some of the bitchiest women I’ve ever met are the men in politics.”

-

40 years ago this weekend,  Nixon resigned. The younger generation may find it hard to believe, but there was actually a time when we were shocked to learn that our leaders could be crooks.

-

Ray Allen apparently plans to play in the NBA next season instead of retiring. Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “Wow, that dude is OLD.”

-

Donald Sterling, Dan Snyder, Michael Vick etc, almost had some real competition for the most-hated men in sports. As of Sunday morning,  Tony Stewart planned to race as scheduled at Watkins Glen, and Greg Zipadelli, Stewart-Haas Racing competition director said “We’re business as usual today.”

A cooler head did prevail. Alas too late for Kevin Ward.

 

It’s going to be a while before the official investigation of the death of Kevin Ward, Jr. on the track last night is completed. One thing seems pretty sure, however, a contributory cause of death on both sides was testosterone poisoning.

Hall of Fame and Shame?

July 28, 2014

Greg Maddux once threw a complete game in an 1 hour and 46 minutes, and threw another complete game in 76 pitches. (63 strikes.) Both records equaled in about two innings of an average Red Sox-Yankees game

-

Another thought about the baseball Hall of Fame, and the steroid-era players. Have been hearing a lot about how the Veterans’ committee won’t put them in because so many of them are anti-PEDs. But of course, players from other eras don’t consider what THEY took to be PED’s. #greenies

-

Two young men kayaking in Jamaica Bay, NY lost their paddles, and ended up washing up near a runway at JFK Airport, without being detected by the airport’s $100 million security system. But on the other hand, this weekend at JFK, TSA did confiscate probably 1,000 bottles of water.

-

So did you hear who won the #tourdefrance ? Me neither

-

 

Have heard some say if sanctions are lifted against Cuba that MLB will be full of Cuban players. On the other hand, thinking right now that many Cuban kids grow up completely focused on baseball without distractions. Give them fast food, U.S. television, smartphones and other tech toys…and who knows. Their fundamentals may end up as sloppy as those of many U.S. kids.

-

Lebron James is going to go back to #23 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Stand by for the ESPN miniseries on how he arrived at that decision.

-

Byron Scott, 53, has signed a 4 year deal to become the Lakers new head coach.  With all the  LA “veterans” Scott would fit right in as a player coach.

-

Will Clark is 50 years old. And were he in uniform he had a better chance of getting a hit Sunday night than #22 Dan Uggla #retire22 #SFGiants

 

 

Sarah Palin has a new subscription-based Internet network, #SarahPalinChannel, which will feature her commentary and the ability for subscribers to ask questions. Monthly subscriptions will cost $9.95, but the show will presumably suddenly stop halfway through each month.

-

 

Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who’s running again against Rick Scott, about Scott’s and Marco Rubio’s “I’m not a scientist” dodge of the global warming question. ““I’m not a scientist either, but I can use my brain, and I can talk to one.

(Alas, in Florida sometimes it seems like open minds are more discouraged than open carry.)

-

 

 

Carolina DE Greg Hardy was convicted this month of assaulting a female – his ex-girlfriend – and communicating threats. He was sentenced to 60-day suspended jail sentence and 18 months’ probation, and will not talk about the incident except to say “I hate that I have distracted my team.”

The Panthers said they will wait to see what the NFL does, and not suspend Hardy pending the outcome of his appeal in a jury trial. (Which will be after the season) I’m sure the fact that he’s a Pro Bowler has nothing to do with it….

-

.

Portrait in lack of courage?

July 21, 2014

Former NFL coach Tony Dungy said he wouldn’t have taken Michael Sam in the draft “Not because I don’t believe (he) should have a chance to play, but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of it. It’s not going to be totally smooth … things will happen.” But Dungy is also the man who does prison ministry, and who mentored Michael Vick while in prison. Somewhere Jesus really is weeping.

 

#RichardSherman‘s celebrity softball game drew over 22,000 to #SafecoField.   That’s only about 1,000 people less than the average Mariners home game.  #nojoke.

 -

New York Yankees just announced that the “official” game honoring Derek Jeter will be Sept. 7. Did no one in the front office see the All Star game?

 

The SF Giants were down 4-3 in the 4th inning, and the Phillies had runners on 1st and 3rd with no outs. Thinking not even Pete Rose would have bet that Philly was done scoring.

 

 

Box Score #SFGiants 7-15-1, #Phillies 4-14-0. Without watching you know this was not a thing of beauty. But #awinisawin

-

#SFGiants have agreed to terms with Dan Uggla. Some concern as to whether he can still hit major league pitching. But hey, the Giants know for sure that some of their current lineup can’t.

-

Odrisamer Despaigne came within four outs yesterday of throwing the first no-hitter in San Diego’s 46 year history. And Padres pitchers have the added handicap of not being able to pitch against own team.

-

Jameis Winston said in an FSU pre-season press conference that this year he knows he has “to live up to the hype.” And presumably get his seafood from the training table.

-

Facebook is adding a new “Facebook Save” feature for people to file interesting “items that you find on Facebook to check out later when you have more time.” “When you have more time?!” Translation for a lot of people, when they’ve retired and Facebook is long gone?

-

A volunteer California policewoman was put on leave after she posted an-anti bike video rant on YouTube, including asking a man who much she’d have to pay him to run a cyclist over. The caption “Like you’ve never thought about it.” She has apologized and said it was satire. Fair enough, but for a COP to post it?   Apparently SHE never thought about it.

-

Tough times in Washington. President Obama has to decide what actions to take against Russia, And then the GOP has to immediately decide how those actions are wrong.

-

It was an American conspiracy to start a war with Russia. …The Ukraine military thought they were shooting down Putin’s plane…. Or MH17 is really MH370, and it took off “full of corpses….”

Even Fox News is bowing to the creativity of some Russian conspiracy theories….

Sometimes baseball is hell too, but.

June 1, 2014

David Price in response to David Ortiz. “We are not soldiers. This is not war.”. This is what comes of having college educated players in baseball.David Price in response to David Ortiz. ” You’re not a soldier. This is not war. We have troops fighting for us that are in a war. It’s not a good comparison.” This is what comes of having college educated players in baseball.

-

Now that #Google has #driverlesscars how long until environmentalists push for driverless bikes?

-

Proving that US companies do not have a monopoly on cluelessness, the British supermarket chain Asda is selling a “wearable English flag” for the World Cup. It’s white with a red flag and a white hood. #oops. #notokkk

-

So after about 100 NBA games, we are back to- the same teams we had in last year’s NBA finals. The aging San Antonio Spurs are trying to avoid another heartbreaking loss, but fortunately of them probably can’t remember it.

-

But hey, today is June 1. Which means only about a month left in the NBA season.

There are now “Bring it home, Chrome” shirts and decals etc that fans can buy for California Chrome in the Belmont. Yep, for this week, many Americans care about horse racing. About as long as they will care about the World Cup. #Triplecrown.

Did someone not tell the 2014 #SFGiants they are supposed to be offensively challenged?

(Forget a long-term contract with Pablo Sandoval. Maybe the Giants need to renegotiate with their hitting coach?   Or bring that guy named Bonds around EVERY spring training)

-

Donald Sterling was deemed to be suffering from dementia because he showed “an inability to conduct business affairs in a reasonable and normal manner.” So does that mean dementia has affected most CEO’s in the airline industry?

-

Valeant Pharmaceuticals keeps sweetening their offer for Botox maker Allergan, Inc, up to about $54.1 billion. Not sure how Allergan executives feel, for some reason they all have poker faces.

-

Ted Cruz won the GOP straw poll for President at the Republican Leadership Conference. Which is great news, for Hillary Clinton.

-

Herman Cain, at the Republican Leadership Conference, arguing against the idea that the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities. “What am I, chopped liver?” he exclaimed. Cain then brushed aside people who ran up to him with sliced bread and crackers.

 

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ would like to thank the ‪#‎AtlantaBraves‬ for not offering free agent ‪#‎TimHudson‬ a contract after last season.

 

-

From Gary Bachman,  ” A sinkhole opened up at a Florida Shopping Center. Talk about ‘shop until you drop ‘.”

Ups and downs.

May 18, 2014

Michael Bloomberg said today he would run for President, except he doesn’t think he can win. Well, that never stopped a whole lot of other people.

-

The Giant Dipper roller coaster in Santa Cruz is now 90 years old. The ride is in great shape, except that it has started going around the track with its left blinker on.

-

There is a chance that California Chrome might not run in the Belmont if New York racing officials, known for being stricter than other states, do not allow him to wear his customary nasal strip, which helps with the colt’s breathing when he races. Even Roger Goodell might think that’s a ticky-tack ruling.

-

Of course, to be fair, hard to imagine Roger Goodell would have let California Chrome run with the label of “Dumb Ass Partners.”

-

So #PabloSandoval hits his first home run in over a month on the same day that #TimLincecum shaved his mustache. Coincidence? #SFGiants

 -

-

Karl Rove continues to insist that Hillary Clinton’s brain injury will keep her from running in 2016, saying it is “far more serious’” than many currently realize. Except if anyone knows that a working brain is not required for being President…

-

Miss Beazley, one of George W. and Laura Bush’s beloved Scottish Terriers, has passed away at the age of 9. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

-

North Korea is reporting that an apartment building in Pyongyang has collapsed in a “serious accident” that caused an unspecified number of casualties. Further details will follow as soon as they figure out a way to blame this on the U.S.

-

Miguel Tejada has signed a minor league deal with the Miami Marlins and will work out at the club’s spring training headquarters while he serves the last few weeks of a 105 game suspension for his third failed drug test. It’s all part of Bud Selig’s strict “three strikes and you’re almost out, maybe…” policy.

-

The U.S. government is trying to help farmers in Central America fight a coffee fungus that is especially deadly to Arabica coffee, a bean that makes up a lot of high-end coffee. It’s about the livelihoods of the farmers as well as the price of coffee. Although Starbucks is no doubt considering helping consumers with an installment plan.

 

 

There’s been another call for the resignation of the NH Police Chief who used the N word to refer to Obama. From that commie-pinko Mitt Romney. Is Mitt trying to get back to the days when people said he was too reasonable to be the GOP nominee for President?


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 235 other followers