Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

The 2.7% factor?

January 6, 2015

Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?

 

Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..

Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”

Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.

Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”

 

Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.

Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?

Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.

The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. ‪#‎wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy‬

 

O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.

From Bill Littlejohn,  “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”

When’s Game 8?

October 30, 2014

So what time do the SF Giants play today? Oh, wait…. never mind. ‪#‎missingbaseballalready‬

 

Amazing how people who complain that the World Series was a game between two Wild Cards and thus a devaluation of the regular season seem to have had no problem with, say, the 2007 Super Bowl Champion NY Giants. Or the 2010 Packers. ‪#‎NFLcandonowrong‬

 

Ok, who had the ‪#‎NewOrleansSaints‬, starting 2-4, in 1st place in the AFC South after week 8? ‪#‎WhoDat‬

 

 

Oops. Jets WR Eric Decker tweeted out “”tell me why you love the @nyjets using ‪#‎jetsdiehardfan‬ and I’ll send a signed prize to my favorite.” And with the team 1-7 he got a predictable result. Though have to figure a sincere response would have been “when OUR team has them on the schedule.”

Question, who was the umpire at first base for game seven of the World Series? As my son points out, few people know the answer to that question, and thanks to instant replay, he won’t become as infamous as Don Denkinger.

After Game 5 of the World Series, the Royals’ Jarrod Dyson said “One good thing for us, we don’t have to worry about Bumgarner no more.” Not exactly.

Babies in San Jose.

babies

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg   “In San Francisco’s Castro district last night,  men were ripping off their clothes, swilling champagne and dancing in the street. When asked how long they would celebrate the Giants win, they said; ‘What Giants win?”

Now that the World Series is over, ESPN can get back to the news they really care about, like this headline story today: “A-Rod’s suspension ends. Back in play for Yanks.”

And then all these ESPN headlines about LeBron James returning to Cleveland. Score of the game? Oh, you mean there’s a game?

RG III will start for Washington this weekend against the Vikings. Good thing the game will be played in Minnesota. The boos from the stands will be less embarrassing than they would be at Fed Ex Field.

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What is it about old white men that don’t get the concept of cellphone recordings? Senator Lindsay Graham, at a private club earlier this month. “I’m trying to help you with your tax status. I’m sorry the government’s so f—ed up. If I get to be president, white men in male-only clubs are going to do great in my presidency.”
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Ted Cruz says that if the GOP nominates a moderate for President in 2016, Hillary Clinton will win. Not sure that’s true, but if they nominate Cruz, Hillary would win in a landslide.

No place like dome

September 21, 2014

whodat

For non-Saints fans “Ignorance is no excuse” is the phrase Roger Goodell used when, despite no evidence that Sean Payton knew about the bounty scheme, the NFL commissioner suspended the New Orleans coach for a year.

 

 

Ray Lewis on the Ray Rice situation, ” There’s some things you can cover up and then there’s some things you can’t.” Well, he should know. ‪#‎murder‬

 

The NY Daily News reports a source saying of the June meeting with Rice, Goodelll and others in the NFL “Ray owned it from day one,” said one source of Rice’s descriptions of events. “He went in as if (the tape)existed. Everyone knew it existed. He knew if the commissioner hadn’t already seen it, he would see it.” It really is looking like Rice may come out of this looking better than the NFL commissioner.

On a brighter note for ‪#‎Cal‬ football, losers 49-45 by a last-second Hail Mary;  last year they wouldn’t have HAD a 31-13 lead to blow in the 4th quarter.

 

The Atlanta Braves have been eliminated from the postseason. So they will not be able to continue their streak of not selling out playoff games.

 

#‎NFL‬ proves once again why their ‪#‎overtime‬ rule is as bad a way to end a game as penalty kicks. ‪#‎DENvsSEA‬

 

Jameis Winston will be back has the FSU QB Monday. No word on when Seminoles coach Jimbo Fisher will remove the duct tape from Winston’s mouth.

Tens of thousands of protesters, including many celebrities – RFK, Jr, Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sting and Mark Ruffalo for examples -marked in the People’s Climate March in New York today. Wonder how many of the celebs arrived by private plane?

 

Just proving that not all NFL stupid moments involve crimes and coverups:: Detroit Lions LB Stephen Tulloch made a stop against the Green Bay Packers. And when he jumped to celebrate Tulloch tweaked his knee and had to come out of the game.

 

Derek Jeter, interviewed for New York magazine, complained that Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are “not around as much as the Boss was. The Boss would pop in frequently during the course of the season. Hal and Hank, they don’t really come in too often.” And his Yankees’ teammates are thinking “Thanks for giving them the idea, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Johnny Come Lately

August 17, 2014

Cleveland Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel said he was late for a team meeting last week because he misread a change in the schedule. Good thing Manziel doesn’t have to read anything complicated for his job, like a playbook.

 

Der Spiegel, a German magazine is reporting that Germany’s foreign intelligence agency eavesdropped on calls by John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. At this point does anyone think we’re not all spying on each other?

 

Westboro Baptist Church is apparently planning a protest outside Robin Williams’ funeral. Where is Kiss’s Gene Simmons when you really need him?

 

 

Rumors are that Beyonce and Jay Z are heading toward divorce. What’s really scary? More Americans are better informed on this possible split than they are about things like Ebola and ISIS/ISIL.

So it’s “news” that Jessa Duggar is engaged. She’s a “star” on “19 and counting.” Wonder if Andy Warhol figured that someday you’d get more than 15 minutes because your parents decided to have a litter

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A pregnant Texas woman was focused on registering her son for pre-kindergarten that she ended up delivering her fourth child at the school. Wonder if she pre-registered the new baby while she was at it?

The worst thing about Texas Governor #RickPerry being indicted: Molly Ivins isn’t still alive to write about it.

A 16 year old Virginia girl is in stable condition after being shot by her father, a sheriff’s deputy who mistook her for an intruder. So how do you stop a good guy with a gun?

Coach Brian Kelly expressed “shock” and disappointment” over the Notre Dame football academic scandal. Shock and disappointment over the cheating, or the getting caught?

From Stewart Mandel’s column on the academic suspensions at Notre Dame – “the investigation is still unfolding and could prove much uglier….The school felt compelled to notify the NCAA and has already acknowledged the possibility of having to vacate wins from previous seasons.” So could Stanford end up finally winning that 2012 game where Stepfan Taylor should have had a TD?

The Detroit Tigers gave away 10,000 Miguel Cabrera bobbleheads last night. Which celebrated him as the NL MVP. Well, at least the bobblehead didn’t refer to him as Melky Cabrera….

Fast times?

August 13, 2014

Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been charged with reckless driving for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone in Virginia’s Fairfax County. Locals are shocked. With D.C. area traffic, they didn’t think there was anywhere you could get going that fast..

(Meanwhile in Los Angeles the Dodgers are thinking “Nobody tell Puig”)

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Justin Bieber avoided a DUI conviction by pleading guilty today to misdemeanor charges of careless driving and resisting arrest stemming from his run in with Miami Beach police this January. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Bieber’s next arrest?

Apparently Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian think someone working on their TV show has been stealing jewelry and cash from their homes, and are saying if the thief isn’t caught they won’t film season 10 of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Which could be the biggest incentive ever for lazy police work.

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White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson, after a play was overturned for the Chicago catcher blocking the plate, and the SF Giants went on to score 7 runs in the inning. “Next thing you know we’ll have catchers wearing skirts out there.” Wonder if SF Giants fans can take up a collection to have Hunter Pence wear a skirt on Friday night.

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OK, so the plate blocking rule needs tweaking & it gave the #SFGiants a run today against the #Whitesox. But it didn’t give them the next 6.

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Airline customer service at its finest. American Airlines offers a traveler a $500 voucher to take a later flight. He accepts. Certificate can be redeemed by phone, where AA has a ticketing charge. Or at an AA ticket office. Except the airline has closed their ticket offices. Only humans who can issue ticket are at the airports.

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An American woman and her boyfriend were arrested when the body of the woman’s mother was found stuffed inside a suitcase at the St. Regis in Bali. What was the couple thinking? They’d have never gotten the suitcase on a plane without serious overweight baggage charges.

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Rush Limbaugh yesterday suggested that Robin Williams committed suicide because of his “leftist world view.” “What is the left’s world view in general?” “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?” Annie Savoy in Bull Durham got it right – “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness.”

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Edward Snowden, interviewed on returning to the U.S. “I told the government I’d volunteer for prison, as long as it served the right purpose. I care more about the country than what happens to me.” And then Snowden presumably returned to his project of trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the Russians.

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Rand Paul was asked to name one word for when he thinks of Chris Christie. His answer “Bridges.” Wonder if Paul will try to get Simon and Garfunkel at a campaign event.

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After a reported two-month long investigation, three women in Redwood City massage parlors were arrested today or alleged solicitation of prostitution, pimping and pandering. Because there’s so little crime in Northern California that police have nothing better to do?

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Tried a new hair gloss and decided actually to read the directions. “Caution. For external use only.” Wow, glad I saw that…

Up in the air.

August 10, 2014

Two dozen people were stuck at the top of the “Joker’s Jinx” roller coaster at Six Flags America in Maryland. All were rescued unharmed, but after several hours. So the ride may be closed for a while. If for no other reason than to clean the seats.

 

At least two people were arrested for fighting in an autograph line for FSU QB Jameis Winston. Although if they end up in jail, at least the folks have a chance to meet other football players.

The Angels and Red Sox go 19 last night, the Blue Jays and Tigers go 19 today. Wow. These games lasted longer than the Cubs’ pennant hopes.

Never heard much about the movie “Draft Day.” But an excellent airplane movie. And to my mind a lot more fun to watch than pre-season football.

 

In Northern California, a hunter was shot in a hunting accident and airlifted to a hospital. If only he had been armed.

 

It’s a different world across the pond. England already has much tougher gun laws (and far fewer murders and accidental killings) than the U.S. But now there are proposed laws to require mandatory jail for anyone convicted twice of offences involving knives. And these laws passed overwhelming in the House of Commons and appear to have strong public support.

Great quote from Sayeeda Warsi, who just resigned from the Conservative Cabinet in England over Gaza: “Some of the bitchiest women I’ve ever met are the men in politics.”

40 years ago this weekend,  Nixon resigned. The younger generation may find it hard to believe, but there was actually a time when we were shocked to learn that our leaders could be crooks.

Ray Allen apparently plans to play in the NBA next season instead of retiring. Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “Wow, that dude is OLD.”

Donald Sterling, Dan Snyder, Michael Vick etc, almost had some real competition for the most-hated men in sports. As of Sunday morning,  Tony Stewart planned to race as scheduled at Watkins Glen, and Greg Zipadelli, Stewart-Haas Racing competition director said “We’re business as usual today.”

A cooler head did prevail. Alas too late for Kevin Ward.

 

It’s going to be a while before the official investigation of the death of Kevin Ward, Jr. on the track last night is completed. One thing seems pretty sure, however, a contributory cause of death on both sides was testosterone poisoning.

Hall of Fame and Shame?

July 28, 2014

Greg Maddux once threw a complete game in an 1 hour and 46 minutes, and threw another complete game in 76 pitches. (63 strikes.) Both records equaled in about two innings of an average Red Sox-Yankees game

Another thought about the baseball Hall of Fame, and the steroid-era players. Have been hearing a lot about how the Veterans’ committee won’t put them in because so many of them are anti-PEDs. But of course, players from other eras don’t consider what THEY took to be PED’s. #greenies

Two young men kayaking in Jamaica Bay, NY lost their paddles, and ended up washing up near a runway at JFK Airport, without being detected by the airport’s $100 million security system. But on the other hand, this weekend at JFK, TSA did confiscate probably 1,000 bottles of water.

So did you hear who won the #tourdefrance ? Me neither

 

Have heard some say if sanctions are lifted against Cuba that MLB will be full of Cuban players. On the other hand, thinking right now that many Cuban kids grow up completely focused on baseball without distractions. Give them fast food, U.S. television, smartphones and other tech toys…and who knows. Their fundamentals may end up as sloppy as those of many U.S. kids.

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Lebron James is going to go back to #23 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Stand by for the ESPN miniseries on how he arrived at that decision.

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Byron Scott, 53, has signed a 4 year deal to become the Lakers new head coach.  With all the  LA “veterans” Scott would fit right in as a player coach.

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Will Clark is 50 years old. And were he in uniform he had a better chance of getting a hit Sunday night than #22 Dan Uggla #retire22 #SFGiants

 

 

Sarah Palin has a new subscription-based Internet network, #SarahPalinChannel, which will feature her commentary and the ability for subscribers to ask questions. Monthly subscriptions will cost $9.95, but the show will presumably suddenly stop halfway through each month.

 

Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who’s running again against Rick Scott, about Scott’s and Marco Rubio’s “I’m not a scientist” dodge of the global warming question. ““I’m not a scientist either, but I can use my brain, and I can talk to one.

(Alas, in Florida sometimes it seems like open minds are more discouraged than open carry.)

 

 

Carolina DE Greg Hardy was convicted this month of assaulting a female – his ex-girlfriend – and communicating threats. He was sentenced to 60-day suspended jail sentence and 18 months’ probation, and will not talk about the incident except to say “I hate that I have distracted my team.”

The Panthers said they will wait to see what the NFL does, and not suspend Hardy pending the outcome of his appeal in a jury trial. (Which will be after the season) I’m sure the fact that he’s a Pro Bowler has nothing to do with it….

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