Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Goal (s)!

July 1, 2015
The US beat Germany and is going to the Women’s World Cup final. Many Americans are so excited they might actually watch part of the game. ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬

Just wondering, am I allowed to start a business and refuse clients who don’t believe in the Church of Baseball? ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬

 –
The Justice Department is investigating possible airline collusion on airfares. When they wrap up the investigation the DOJ’s next project will no doubt be determining if water is wet.
Wednesday was the first day that recreational marijuana is legal in Oregon. It was  also the first day NBA free agents can sign with teams? ‪#‎Coincidence‬? ‪#‎Trailblazers‬
It was 87 degrees with 34% humidity and everyone is complaining about how unbearably hot it is. Yes, Northern Californians are weather wimps.
Recently released emails show that Hillary Clinton didn’t know how to work the office fax machine. Said everyone under 30, “what’s a fax machine?”
The Boston Globe is reporting that Tom Brady and his wife Gisele Bundche, have apparently hit a snag in their efforts to o join The Country Club (TCC) in Brookline, Mass. It may be because the couple are too famous. Or maybe members don’t trust Tom around their inflatable water toys.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ just DFA’ed ‪#‎McGehee‬, MLB leader in GIDP’s. Now ‪#‎Casilla‬ is one away from MLB lead in blown saves. Not titles you want to win.
Jim Carrey called California Gov. Jerry Brown a ‘corporate fascist who must be stopped” and said the CDC was “corrupt” after Brown signed a mandatory vaccine bill. Maybe Carrey took that “Bruce Almighty” role a little too seriously?
Now Macy’s is the latest to end their relationship with Donald  Trump over his comments from referring to immigrants from Mexico as “killers and rapists.” Well, maybe this is another part of Presidential candidate Trump’s jobs program – creating a lot of new job opportunities as his own company gets fired.

A Tennessee hardware store owner put up a sign saying, “No Gays Allowed.” because he says homosexuality is against his religion and that if LGBT’s can stand up for what they believe in so should Christians.

Okay, fine, what about the “No Fornicators Allowed” sign? You know, adulterers, people having premarital sex, remarried divorced people….

Blue Jays 11, Red Sox 2, Toronto batters rapped out 16 hits. Maybe Boston pitchers didn’t realize that Canada Day, while a holiday, does not generally require the giving of gifts.

Fast times.

June 29, 2015

Some may be shocked at the speed at which gay marriage became mainstream. For perhaps a bigger shock in terms of a fast change, yes, this week’s Astros Royals series really could be a preview of the American League Championship Series.

 

Regarding this religious objection stuff to judges, clerks and gay marriage…. While I respect people’s right to their religion, what if you are a man whose religion teaches that women are subservient to men? Does that give you a right to disobey or refuse to work for a female boss?

 

Donald Trump said that if he is elected President he will change his hair style, because it takes too much time to maintain. Well, that’s good news….. for the furry thing that lives on his head. ‪#‎goingtoliveforever‬

NBCUniversal says the the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants will no longer air on the network. Both pageants have been jointly owned by NBC and Donald Trump. This may be in response to Trump’s recent anti-immigrant comments. Or maybe those pageant ratings were a lot lower than we thought.

 

Donald Trump’s ranting statement today included this – “If NBC is so weak and so foolish to not understand the serious illegal immigration problem in the United States….” Speaking of serious problems, could Trump not afford a ghostwriter who learned in school not to split an infinitive?

There’s still talk about how disappointed some NY Knicks fans (and Carmelo Anthony) were with the team’s #1 pick, Kristaps Porzingis. How about a little discussion of how disappointed Pozingis might be to have been drafted by the Knicks?

Veteran MLB executive Andy MacPhail apparently will join the Philadelphia front office and be introduced as part of “new Phillies’ leadership” today. Except isn’t “Phillies leadership” an oxymoron?

 

 

Police say alcohol was involved in the death of a Michigan man who died when a firework he was holding to his head exploded. ‪#‎Darwin‬ ‪#‎Ifonlyhewasarmed‬

Oscar De La Hoya, announcing he is NOT coming back out of retirement. “My wife was all for it. But my kids didn’t want to see old Papa get hurt.” Hmm, does that mean his wife did want to see him get hurt…?

Jimmy Fallon is saying he injured his left hand when he “tripped and caught my fall (good thing)! Ring caught on side of table almost ripped my finger off (bad thing).” And a whole lot of men who lost their marriage excuse because gays can now get married just got another reprieve – “I’d love to honey, but those rings are DANGEROUS.”

Just wondering, where wasusually very outspoken Darth Vader, excuse me, ‪#‎DickCheney‬, on subject of ‪#‎SupremeCourt‬ upholding gay marriage?

 

All of these stories and photos of Caitlyn Jenner, 65, in skimpy, and/or really tight clothes. How long before the transgender stuff fades and people start just telling her to dress her age?

 

The Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to stay a recent lower court ruling that would have shuttered all but nine Texas abortion clinics. The state already has some of the toughest restrictions in the U.S, half have closed in the last two years.

Just for starters, maybe they could at least have an equivalent waiting period in Texas for having abortions and buying guns.

BS detector post of the day: Texas Gov. Rick Perry, unhappy with the Supreme Court’s decision to keep abortion clinics open in face of new regulations requiring them to be constructed like surgical centers. “It unnecessarily puts lives in danger by allowing unsafe facilities to continue to perform abortions.”

Uh, if it’s about women’s health, Texas could a) drop “abstinence only” sex education, and cut down on unwanted pregnancies AND STDs, b) fund clinics for low-income women to prescribe and dispense birth control, and c) make it easier to get the “morning-after pill,” which is safer than any medical abortion.

Dino-soaring.

June 13, 2015

” Jurassic World’ apparently had the third-largest movie opening day of all time. When movie-goers were asked afterwards what they thought of the plot, almost all of them responded – “Plot?”

 

 

 

The College World Series started today. What a shame that the Philadelphia Phillies just missed qualifying.

 

Bristol Palin has posted a harsh criticism of Miley Cyrus’s post about intolerance. Thereby assuring that millions of people might actually READ Cyrus’s post about intolerance.

(my friend Alex wonders who read the post to Bristol.)

Country singer Randy Howard, 65, was killed this weekend in a gunfight with bounty hunter. What a shame, had Howard lived the incident would have been great material for a country song.

At Boise Airport, passengers on an Allegiant Air flight smelled fuel and saw vapor that they thought was smoke so they popped the emergency doors and evacuated. (It was a small fuel leak and the plane was in no danger.) But doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy that passengers have the ability to open emergency doors?

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe “may” have “accidentally” posted a Snapchat of herself and a man in bed, therefore revealing the winner of the show about six weeks ahead of schedule. Give the woman credit, with her name, talent for publicity and headlines, Kaitlyn could be an honorary Kardashian.

Pablo Sandoval left today’s Red Sox loss to the Blue Jays with tightness in his quad. His status is listed as “day-to-day-and-keep-that-man-out-of-the-North-End.”

Still seems a bit odd when you hear about ‪#‎NBA‬ team going to a small lineup and they’re still all over about 6’6″. ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Cavs‬

In Texas, some residents are upset because a History network series “Texas Rising” isn’t completely historically accurate. Wonder how many of these people also want schools to teach creationism.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating possible bribes and corruption in Nike’s 1996 deal to sponsor soccer in Brazil. Right. Not like Nike would ever dare do anything wrong at home in the good old U S of A.

Monica Lewis, the voice of Chiquita Banana, has died at 93. And if you don’t have that stupid jingle running through your head now you’re not a baby boomer….

Taco Bell will be opening a new location in SF that will serve beer and wine. Makes some sense, enough beer and/or wine, and customers won’t notice the food.

From Bill Littlejohn, after a skunk’s nest being found in the Cardinals dugout at Dodger Stadium: “Did St. Louis manager Mike Matheny say he needed a spray hitter?”

Let him out.

June 8, 2015


Many of my friends and readers will be too young. But some of us will remember an old bad phone prank.

 

princealbert

 

With the votes counted as of today, seven Kansas City Royals on track to start this year’s All-Star Game. Guessing most Americans couldn’t NAME seven Kansas City Royals.

A semi-truck carrying 2,200 piglets tipped over on an Southern Ohio highway, and while no injuries were reported, local police and fire crews are trying to corral the baby pigs running around the county. And wonder how many people are trying to option thescreenplay? ‪#‎MFpigletsonMFhighway‬?

The New England Patriots have released LB Brandon Spikes today after his damaged and abandoned Mercedes was found about 3:30a Sunday morning in Foxborough. How long until driving your own car becomes as forbidden in the NFL as taking steroids?

A new study indicates that schizophrenia is more prevalent in people who grew up with cats at home, and some scientists think this could be explained by a parasite called “toxoplasma gondi” that can be found in cat litter boxes. Or it could be explained by being raised by crazy cat ladies.

At MetLife stadium, NJ State Police arrested a number of people and had to use tear gas after a riot broke out when they closed the gates early to a Summer Jam 2015 concert, keeping both un-ticketed and ticketed fans outside. It was a lot more action than the stadium normally sees with the Jets

All these GOP candidates juggling potential Presidential campaign announcement dates and trying to make sure they stand out and look good. it’s almost like a bunch of girls trying to pick that singular prom dress.

Wawrinka vs. Djokovic for the men’s French Open final was not exactly most fans’ dream. “You’re telling us,” said hundreds of copy editors.

Triple Crown winning jockey Victor Espinoza threw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium yesterday and got it all the way to the plate. If he were a lefty the Yanks might have signed him.

(my friend Bruce reminds me that that the Dodgers also need short relief.)

A parole board is recommending Oscar Pistorius be released from prison in August, 10 months after he started serving a 6 year term for killing his girlfriend. 10 months?! With parole boards like this who needs Los Angeles juries?

 

 

 

From my (Jewish) friend Alex Kaseberg,    “Jerry Seinfeld told ESPN radio he thought political correctness could destroy comedy. But what does that crazy Jew know?”

Ain’t seen nothing yet?

June 7, 2015

Apparently many politicians in Morocco are upset after Jennifer Lopez’s televised concert from Rabat, because of her skimpy clothing and “suggestive poses” on stage. And an education group is suing the singer for “‘disturbing public order and tarnishing women’s honor and respect.” Uh, did anyone in the country ever watch J Lo before they invited her to perform?

New 49ers’ DT Darnell Dockett, indicating he is not worried about all the SF retirements and coaching changes, tweeted “Don’t ask me about who’s retired and what’s going on with football this and that…. We will still WIN! Just watch! ‪#‎savage‬ ‪#‎adversity‬” The 49ers will still win!? Yeah, probably at least one or two games.

Some think we now need netting all the way around the baseball diamonds to prevent incidents like that woman being badly hurt by a broken bat at Fenway Park. But fans are injured in traffic and pedestrian accidents going to and from games all the time. And while we’re at it, what about the health risks from some of those insane ballpark foods?

Two convicted killers escaped from a maximum security prison in upstate New York that hadn’t been breached in 150 years. So what will come first, their capture, or the made-for-TV movie?

 

Lindsey Graham just said “If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she is welcome in my party.” Some statements really don’t need a punchline.

 

#‎HopeSolo‬ is not exactly giving women athletes the kind of equality with male athletes they had hoped to achieve….

SF Giants have finally been tabbed for June 21 for their first nationally televised Sunday Night Baseball game of the year on ESPN. Well, based on last year’s performance, not like the network figured fans across the U.S. would have any interest in seeing the team… ‪#‎whatEastCoastbias‬?

 

Texas just legalized carrying firearms on public university campus. As if drunken frat parties weren’t exciting enough already.

 

You sort of wonder, watching Lebron James playing the Warriors pretty even so far all by himself, how did the San Antonio Spurs ever beat the Heat last year?

Burning not so bright?

April 9, 2015

Hard to be believe there will come a time when Tiger Woods retires, and ESPN will have to report who’s actually leading a golf tournament as opposed to how Tiger is doing on the course.

The seven top Kentucky scorers are all leaving early for the NBA draft. But the WIldcats are still favored to win the NCAA championship in 2016. Seinfeld used to talk about rooting for laundry, heck, this is rooting for a recruiting class.

President Obama visited the Bob Marley museum in Jamaica and commented that he “had all his albums.” Some in the GOP immediately responded “That’s it, proof that Obama’s a ‘stoner.'” Some in the younger generation responded “what’s an album?”

We’re almost to the NBA playoffs, which don’t end up with a catchy name like “World Series” or “Super Bowl.” Guess there’s just not enough of a ring to “April-May-June Madness”

 

The Minnesota Twins have scored 1 run in their first 36 innings. Are they trying to become the official MLB team of Major League Soccer?

 

#‎TroyPolamalu‬ has retired. Many ‪#‎Steelers‬ fans will fly their hair at half mast.

Well this should make for a fun locker room…. Last year Seahawks DE Michael Bennett called Jimmy Graham “one of the softest players in the NFL.” Now after Graham was traded from New Orleans to Seattle, Bennett said today in a radio interview “I still feel the same way, just because he’s on my team I don’t stop feeling that way.”

An Icelandair plane enroute to Denver was hit by lightning. It landed 7 1/2 half hours later despite a hole in its nose. The aircraft will now be christened “Keith Richards.”

 

Atlanta Hawks forward Thabo Sefolosha apparently fractured his tibia while interfering with police after the 4am stabbing of Indiana Pacers forward Chris Copeland outside “1 Oak.” Hmm, will the Knicks strategy to win next year involve giving opposing players nightclub passes?

 

 

From Marc Ragovin   “Seen in New York: “Welcome to Madison Square. Where the Rangers and Knicks have combined for one President’s Trophy””

The Padres’ Ian Kennedy out with an injury while pitching in the third. Shocking, the 2015 SF Giants are capable of breaking a player who isn’t on their own team?

 

Hard for SF Giants fans to watch Casey McGehee make 2 errors tonight, AND hit into a double play with runners at 1st and 3rd in the 9th. Although Mcgehee is hitting .294. And Pablo Sandoval is hitting .167. ‪#‎theoryofrelativity‬

 

From T.C.  – the groaner of the week.  “Cubs fans had to pee into cups as the restrooms at Wrigley Field were out of order on Opening Day. For those that drank more than a couple of beer, they needed to use a relief pitcher.”

Chris Christie apparently is going to ratchet up his campaigning next week after falling in most polls. One of his NH supporters, Bill Greiner told CNN “John McCain was left for dead in 2007 and 2008, and look what happened. Gov. Christie is very similar to McCain.”
Does this mean the NJ Gov. will get the nomination and then pick a complete whack job for a running mate?

On a serious note, just wondering, if they can put a camera and computer in a little phone, or a watch, why can’t they put a camera in a gun? Like a police gun. Like all police guns.

Room for one more?

March 29, 2015

Carly Fiorina said today there’s a ‘higher than 90 percent’ chance she’ll run for the GOP presidential nomination. And why not? Why should there be a “no girls allowed” sign on the clown car?

 

 

 

Carly Fiorina attacked Hillary Clinton Sunday saying that Clinton “doesn’t know what leadership means,” and that her “character is flawed.” And who better to opine on those two subjects than a woman whose leadership and character prompted HP’s board to pay her $20 million just to go away.

Indiana Governor Pence said it was “not a mistake” to sign the “religious freedom” law. Have to think some other governors agree with him – particularly those who compete with Indiana for convention business.

Passengers had to be rescued after the Coney Island Cyclone got stuck on its first ride of the year. And many New Yorkers are thinking that this spring rather than riding actual roller coasters they’ll just stick to watching the Mets

Apparently some people are taking selfies in front of the New York East Village building that blew up last week, resulting in 25 injuries and probably two deaths. Which is shocking on two levels, perhaps less that folks are that insensitive, but more that they are stupid enough to post them publicly.

Not only is there no Cinderella this year, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, John Calipari and Bo Ryan probably can recite the answers, and the questions, from Final Four reporters by heart.

These days Duke too has embraced the “one and done” philosophy. Which for many basketball fans just means they can now just hate individual Blue Devils for a shorter time.

British Airways says some of their frequent-flyer accounts have been hacked. and some Executive Club members may not be able to use their miles until the airline resolves the issue. And perhaps until British Airways and others figure out how to add a “mileage security” fee.

Alabama coach Nick Saban last year signed Jonathan Taylor, a 6’4″, 335 pound defensive lineman, who was dismissed from Georgia’s football team after an arrest for felony domestic violence. Saban said at the time “he was the kind of guy that deserved a second chance.” Now Taylor has been arrested again for domestic violence. I guess “the kind of guy that deserved a second chance” translates to “he’s a 6’4″ 335 lb defensive lineman.”

One week until MLB opening night in Chicago. Where the temperature today was a high of 46 degrees and the low tonight is projected at 37. Heck, if baseball wanted it to be that cold for the first game maybe they could have asked the demolition crews at Candlestick Park to hold off a little longer.

Why does ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬ so often mean “freedom for everyone to follow MY religion?


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