Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Counting down.

April 17, 2014

Anyone who says April baseball is boring isn’t paying attention. #Giants #Dodgers

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Four and a half minutes for instant replay to decide a call stands in tonight’s Giants Dodgers game? How long until the instant replay breaks are “brought to you by….”?

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Josh Hamilton and Mike Napoli both have injured themselves on head-first slides, and Gregor Blanco got away with one Tuesday night in SF. Have any of them noticed that NO ONE at the NFL combine finishes the 40 yard dash with a dive?

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The NBA Bucks have been sold, to new owners who say they will keep the team in Milwaukee. Of course this could partly be because no one else wants them.

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Bud Selig called MLB’s instant replay rollout “remarkable” and said “we’ve had really very little controversy overall.” Presume the commissioner reiterated that the steroid era is over.

(from my friend Lindol, “I’ll have what he’s having.”)

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In the #Marlins rotation, Slowey will replace Hand. Does this even need a punchline?

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British PM David Cameron has been photographed enjoying himself on vacation in the Canary Islands at a topless beach. And President Obama no doubt got a call offering to assist with U.S. – England relations from Bill Clinton.

 

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A missing Nebraska toddler was found safe and sound INSIDE a toy claw game machine. Apparently he wanted the stuffed toys inside and managed to squeeze his way through the prize slot. Good thing the slot is small or this story might have given a number of frat boys ideas.

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At online betting site, Bovada, Tiger Woods, at 10-1, is a co-favorite with Rory McIlroy to win the U.S. Open in June. Even though Woods probably won’t play in the U.S. Open. Guess he’s the only name a lot of bettors know?

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As the NBA season ends, remember “2014″ as the answer to win a future bar bet.  As in the 1st year ever the Lakers, Knicks and Celtics will all miss the playoffs.

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A United flight from JFK to Dulles was evacuated today after a Twitter post said there was a bomb on board. Silly. For that short a flight there wasn’t even time fpr a GOOD inflight movie.

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The story out of South Korea with that ferry gets worse and worse. Who have ever thought the Costa Concordia would look like a model evacuation by comparison?

Can you hear me now?

April 7, 2014

So in the cellphone – wifi  -texting era, can someone explain to me why the “call to the bullpen” still takes place with a landline?

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We’ll find out Monday night if Kentucky can win their 9th NCAA men’s basketball championship. And presumably we’ll know sometime in the next year if coach John Calipari will have his third Final Four season vacated.

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Newt Gingrich, praising the Supreme Court’s lifting of donation limits, said today that even more deregulation is necessary to “overnight, equalize the middle class and the rich.” Right. Of course, Gingrich thinks he himself is just a middle class millionaire.

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Johnny Manziel’s next pre-draft visit will be to the Raiders. With all the ways the young man is setting himself up for a fall, would any of them be more damaging in the end than being a first round pick in Oakland?

 

R.I.P Mickey Rooney, age 93. A long and impressive life, lived mostly in the public eye. And to the younger generation, no, he wasn’t that old guy your parents watched on 60 Minutes.

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The latest on CNN “Did plane dodge Indonesian radar?” Folks at the network just have to be hoping that if and when they find MH370, some cruise ship goes adrift again to give them something to cover.

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Is it just me or is Facebook’s news feed getting skinnier than a super model?

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While the Knicks made it close for a while, they lost to the Heat 102-91. Ah, the potential heartbreak if this valiant 33-45 team just misses the NBA playoffs…

 

A charity hockey game was suspended Sunday in NY when players from the NYPD and the FDNY got into a bench-clearing brawl with one another. The real bummer, had the event been marketed as a brawl, attendance (and charity $$ would have probably doubled.

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At LA’s Staples Center tonight, the Clippers beat the Lakers 120-97, for their third win in four meetings this season. Wow. So how’d the Lakers manage to win that one game?

Rough opening days and open mouths?

April 5, 2014

CBS analyst and radio host Boomer Esiason has apologized to the Mets’ Daniel Murphy and his wife, for saying they should have scheduled a C-section before the season started, calling it “a flippant and insensitive remark that I sincerely regret.” Translation, “Oops, forgot women watch and listen to sports too. And I really really would like to keep my jobs here.”

 

The Mariners As game tonight was postponed due to soggy field conditions after recent rains. Well, considering the Coliseum’s recent sewage problems, have to figure players have to feel lucky the sogginess was only water.

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The SF Giants have scored more runs than any team in MLB as of today. And if you say “Just as I predicted,” you must be really good at Liar’s Dice.

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Maybe the Giants should have brought in Barry Bonds as a special hitting instructor sooner?

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And really, how amazing is this SF Giants’  team? Takes serious work to win a game 8-4 and be no-hit for the last seven innings. #SFGiants

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On the other side, Yasiel Puig was benched for the LA Dodgers home opener against the SF Giants because he showed up late for batting practice. On a brighter note for Dodgers fans, at least Puig didn’t get arrested for speeding while trying to be on time.

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James Franco, 35, says he’s “embarrassed” about his revealed conversations with a 17 yr old girl on Instagram, and added “I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky.” Uh, no, you’re just a model of being a celebrity male douchebag who’s old enough to know not to hit on teenagers.

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“Money can’t buy me love” dept.. The Dodgers signed a huge $$$ deal with Time Warner. And for now only people with TW cable can see Dodgers games. Which is about 30% of households in the Los Angeles area.

 

Sounds like the latest Fort Hood shooter was ultimately stopped by a female member of the military police. So maybe the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good gal with a gun?

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Tyson recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. So did the people who purchased nuggets expected them to be large pieces of plastic?

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Oklahoma and Texas have announced their annual college football game, which has been known as “The Red River Rivalry” will now be referred to as the “AT&T Red River Showdown.” But heaven help any players who try to sell any memorabilia from the inaugural “showdown.”

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Really, CNN, really? Today’s MH 370 headline is about plane spotters who took pictures of the plane before it disappeared, one even as recently as “a few months ago.” 

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Okay, I’m a Democrat. But regarding emails to sign petitions for stuff like ‘Send Paul Ryan a message saying you reject his budget.” Does anyone think Paul Ryan gives a rat’s a** what Democrats think of his budget?

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George W. Bush now tells a story of Putin dissing his beloved Scottish Terrier, Barney – “‘You call it a dog?’” And then when W. and Laura visited Russia, Vladimir introduces his “huge hound, obviously much bigger than a Scottish terrier, looks at me and says,’‘Bigger, stronger and faster than Barney.’” What happened to “I looked into his eyes and saw his soul?”

Budget solution?

April 3, 2014

An idea after the latest Supreme Court decision abolishing individual limits on giving to campaigns. Since the idea with all this money is to buy politicians, why can’t states start charging sales tax on donations?

 

 

Two straight wins to open the season for the Houston Astros. How long until Mayor De Blasio gets blamed for the NY Yankees?

 

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The Phillies’ Ben Revere now owns the MLB record for 1,410 career plate appearances without a single home run. But he’s still two away from passing Duane Kuiper.

 

 

Stay classy, Arizona. Some SF fans rented the box behind home plate at last night’s Giants-D’backs game. Rather than having them show up in orange and black on TV, the Diamondbacks moved them all another box behind the dugout. Kind of makes you want some group to rent the pool, come in wearing nondescript clothes, then put on TONS of Giants stuff in the 1st inning,

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The Diamondbacks also apparently can’t keep their new $25 corn dog, dubbed the “D’bat” in stock at their concession stands. The 18 inch hot dog filled with cheddar and jalapeno, then wrapped in bacon, battered and deep fried.  And it’s been a huge seller.  Upon reading this at least 100 cardiologists made plans to move to Arizona.

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Alabama RB Altee Tenpenny has been charged with marijuana possession. Am sure coach Nick Saban will come up with some stern punishment like making Tenpenny sit through three quarters of the Tide’s game against Florida Atlantic.

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A couple will stand trial for an alleged unspecified sex act aboard an Air Canada plane this January. That’s Canada. In the U.S. the airline would probably have levied an inflight entertainment charge.

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Former S & L executive and convicted felon Charles Keating has died at 90. Suppose it would make sense for taxpayers to pay for his funeral, heck, we’ve already covered over $3 billion for his financial house of cards.

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Breaking television news “A microclimate weather alert” with rainstorms in Northern California. Rainstorms. And back east they are just giggling.

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Vladimir Putin has divorced his wife. Last year Russian leader said “It was a joint decision: we hardly see each other, each of us has our own life.” Responded Bill Clinton “And your point is?”

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These instant replay reviews are taking 2-3 minutes. Meaning that each of them takes almost as long as Mike Hargrove’s or Nomar Garciaparra’s batting box routines.

 

 

Mississippi just passed a new “religious freedom” law, similar to the one vetoed by Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona, that would allow hotels, restaurants and pharmacies to refuse to serve gays. Guess the state doesn’t think they have enough tourist business to threaten.

 

 

 

New York dreaming?

April 1, 2014

Apparently Mets GM Sandy Alderson said he thought the team could win 90 games. Wonder if the reporter asked Alderson how many seasons he thought it would take?

 

Brian Wilson now the second Dodgers pitcher to the DL this season. Maybe LA players are buckling under the strain of carrying all that money?

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Ryan Braun got a standing ovation at Miller Park in Milwaukee for his first game back from last year’s suspension. Would Brewers fans now also like to take back every “Ster-oids” chant they threw at Barry Bonds.

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Now we know the season has really started. Jose Reyes is back on the DL. #OpeningDay #MLB

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The black box on MH370 will only ping for about 5 more days. The CNN coverage, however, may last years.

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Donald Trump said today he’s been contacted by a group who want to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, the Bills winning a Super Bowl is probably a better bet than Trump winning the Presidency.

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A NY high school senior was accepted at all 8 Ivy League schools. If he could throw a football I’ll bet a few SEC schools would have accepted him too.

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Tiger Woods has had back surgery and will miss the Masters. Can we expect hourly coverage during the tournament from ESPN about his recovery?

(My friend Steve says he can’t wait for the ESPN updates saying how far Woods is off the lead, even when he’s not playing.)

 

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As an April Fool’s joke, Virgin America announced that each seat would have a personal thermostat. United Airlines thought of a similar joke saying they were putting comfortable seats in the coach cabin, but figured no one would believe them

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The White House announced that Obamacare met the goal of 7 million signups. So FOX is no doubt scrapping their story on disappointing numbers in favor of one alleging faked numbers.

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GM CEO Mary Barra said she was “deeply sorry” over the botched recall that led to 13 deaths and numerous injuries. She said the company had been operating under a “cost culture” before the 2009 bankruptcy, but that they are now operating under a “customer culture.” Either that or a “we-got-caught culture.”

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DeSean Jackson apparently is close to signing with the Redskins. Maybe Washington just wants to make sure neither their name issue nor RGIII is the team’s biggest distraction next season.

 

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A Michigan woman, who was forbidden from drinking at all as part of her probation from a 2012 DUI conviction, was arrested when a local cop saw her Facebook post bragging about beating a Breathalyzer after drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Forget the probation violation, she deserved arrest for criminal stupidity

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Not exactly P.C. here but today’s unfortunate name and job match is for the new coach of the University of Arkansas’s women’s basketball team – Jimmy Dykes.

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And the bus to hell thought for the night from T.C.   “Don Baylor underwent surgery to repair his femur after his freaky injury while catching Vladimir Guerrero’s first pitch.  Might be last time the Angels in the locker room tell each other to “break a leg.”

Opening day, the sequel’s sequel.

March 31, 2014

MLB will have four separate #OpeningDay‘s this season. No doubt the work of one of Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committees.

 

 

It’s only Opening Day and the “weirdest baseball injury of the year” contest may be over: Angels hitting coach Don Baylor suffered a right ankle injury catching Vladimir Guerrero’s ceremonial first pitch.

 

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Upon hearing the Don Baylor story,  the SF Giants immediately forbade Jeremy Affeldt from catching any ceremonial first pitches.

 

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Apparently the new field at the Brewers’ Miller Park had to be grown under heat lamps imported from Europe, because the temperatures in Milwaukee this winter were too cold to grow grass even with the stadium roof closed. #Youwinmothernature

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MLB ticket prices are up 2% from last year. And the Chicago Cubs are third-highest, behind only the Red Sox and Yankees, with an average of $44.16 a ticket. But to be fair, Cubs management knows they can’t plan on extra revenue from the playoffs.

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Final score in Arlington, Philadelphia 14, Texas 10. The game presumably got good coverage on ESPN tonight as they might have thought it was a preseason football matchup.

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In Oakland, the A’s opener faced a potential rainout Monday night. “Rain, gosh, we feel so sorry for you.” said absolutely no one who’s lived through the last winter in the midwest or on the east coast.

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Mets fans booed NY Mayor Bill de Blasio when he threw out the first pitch on Opening Day. But Tuesday things return to normal, and they can just start booing the Mets.

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Get out the violins. Freshman Andrew Wiggins about decision not to stay at KU. “I just wish I had more time. It went by so fast.” What’s next, saying college was the best weeks of his life?

 

But really, what did Kansas do to “force’ him to leave?  Tell Wiggins he would have to go to class?

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A bonus for Kentucky going to the Final Four, their freshman players can call themselves student-athletes for a whole extra month.

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Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International was the world’s busiest airport in 2013, with 94 million passengers passing through. And that doesn’t count the people who are still looking for their gates.

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Apparently DeSean Jackson has interest from the Redskins and Bills and Raiders.  “I’ll take ‘teams that couldn’t fall any further” for $600, Alex.”

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

Scattered pictures

March 5, 2014

Listening to the song “Kodachrome” on the radio and realizing the younger generation has no idea what “kodachrome” is. For that matter, few may soon recognize the term “Nikon camera.”

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At the Onion they must be throwing their hands in the air and saying “Can’t top this. We give up.” Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

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A teacher in England was suspended for taping her students’ mouths shut because they wouldn’t keep quiet. Wonder if she’s already been offered a job with several airlines?

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Ryan Braun has a .875 batting average in the Cactus League. Either the guy’s got a major chip on his shoulder to prove he can play clean, or he’s found a REALLY undetectable PED.

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So a young Travolta had “Saturday Night Fever.” Did he now have “Sunday Night Fever?” Symptoms including memory lapse and stumbling over words?

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The NCAA Football Rules Committee apparently has given up on a proposal that would have basically outlawed the “hurry-up” offense. Who knew, guess the NCAA is not a WHOLLY owned subsidiary of the SEC and Nick Saban.

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Nick Saban, still pushing an end to the hurry-up offense “”The fastball guys (up-tempo coaches) say there’s no data out there, and I guess you have to use some logic. What’s the logic? If you smoke one cigarette, do you have the same chances of getting cancer if you smoke 20? I guess there’s no study that specifically says that. But logically, we would say, ‘Yeah, there probably is.’” Hmm, after reading this have to wonder, what is Saban smoking?

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In an interview, Pope Francis reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage but suggested it could support some types of civil unions. If Francis retires from the Vatican someday could the U.S. borrow him?

 

Michele Bachman, angry about Jan Brewer’s veto of SB 1062. “Right now, there’s a terrible intolerance afoot in the United States, and it’s against people who hold sincerely held religious beliefs.” Assume Michele would feel the same way if a Muslim refused to serve her because she’s a woman?

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Chipotle says there’s a chance it could stop selling guacamole temporarily due to an avocado shortage the chain blames partly on climate change. Finally, something that could get the state of Texas on board against global warming.

 

 

So Tennessee legislators just took the major step of passing a bill to allow grocery stores and super markets to sell wine. Which means that when you go to Walmart to pick up your food and guns, you can get a nice bottle to go with them.

Putin on the Blitz?

March 4, 2014

Russia watcher Sarah Palin “”People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.” So who taught Sarah those new words?

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Nice to see spring training baseball scores on ESPN if they are basically meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season.

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Former Ranger Ian Kinsler, now with the Detroit Tigers, says he hopes Texas goes 0-162. Mark your calendars for June 24. The first game between the Tigers and Rangers in Arlington.

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In Ohio, a 10 year old boy was suspended 3 days from school for pretending his finger like a gun and pointing it at another boy’s head. Could have been a worse result, in Florida he might have been shot..

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Radio Shack has announced they are closing 1,100 stores. Shocking. Radio Shack still had 1,100 stores?.

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Syracuse’s men’s basketball team just had their fourth loss in five games. This former #1 team is falling faster than Russia’s warm fuzzy image after Sochi.

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Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear announced he will hire outside counsel to appeal a judge’s ruling that the state must recognize same-sex marriages legally performed in other states. He says “It’s about placing people over politics.” Right. I guess this ruling could be harmful to traditional Kentucky marriages between heterosexual cousins, brothers, sisters etc….

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Hell has frozen over dept. The 49ers have to be thrilled with…the Dallas Cowboys?  While Kaepernick says wants to be paid Romo money, Dallas has restructured their QB’s contract, dropping his cap figure from $21.773 million to $11.773 million.

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Meanwhile, Clemson suspended four players including two returning starters due to a “team rules violation” for the football season opener at Georgia. Either it was a pretty big rule, or Clemson figures they were going to lose anyway.

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The NY Times today published a correction for originally misspelling the name of Solomon Northup, the man whose memoir was the basis for “12 Years a Slave. The article in question ran on January 20, 1853. So was the mistake discovered after Larry King found he had kept a copy of the paper?

 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Gold-medal-winning ice dancing couple Meryl Davis and Charlie White will be contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’.Isn’t that like Roger Federer entering a ping pong tournament?”

Getting stoned?

November 26, 2013

Afghanistan may again make it the law to stone convicted adulterers. Which means if Hillary is elected in 2016, she’ll be making visits to Kabul solo.

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Ann Betar, 98, and John Betar, 102, are celebrating their 81th wedding anniversary today, making them the longest married couple in America. After this long guess the marriage stands a good chance of surviving that 87 year itch.

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STL GM John Mozeliak, defending the team’s 4-year $50 million contract for Jhonny Peralta, said the Cardinals were confident Peralta’s drug suspension was an “isolated circumstance.” Translation, at least they’re sure Jhonny won’t get caught again.

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Brian Wilson is apparently close to signing with… the Detroit Tigers?! Maybe the Beard is fonder than he admitted of wearing Orange and Black.

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After George Zimmerman was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend, a search of their home found three handguns, a 12-gauge shotgun, a rifle and 106 rounds of ammunition. And aren’t residents of 49 states sorry that a condition of his bail is that Zimmerman not leave Florida?

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Over 500 flights have been cancelled out of Dallas-Ft Worth International Airport in two days. Wonder how many good Samaritans planning to visit in-laws will offer up their confirmed seats Tues. or Wed. so poor stranded folks can get to see THEIR families. (“Really, honey, you know I want to see your mom, but this woman and baby need the seat more than I do.. So go on without me, it’s okay, Really”)

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Country singer Wayne Mills was fatally shot in a Nashville bar this weekend. Allegedly by his best friend during an argument. The true tragedy, Mills won’t be around to use the incident as a basis for a great hit song.

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College basketball counts strength of schedule for tournament seeding. Not that it will happen, but when college football starts their playoff system, would be nice to see late season games like Alabama vs. Chattanooga and FSU vs. Idaho considered to be the equivalents of bye-weeks.

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, talking about tonight’s game says how his team “rose up to the challenge.” Of playing the Redskins. And he said it with a straight face.

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RGIII against Colin Kaepernick on MNF football.  Also known as the “Two-preseason-favorites-who-are-not-going-to-win-the-MVP-this-year” bowl.

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Yahoo has named Katie Couric as the new “face” of its global news operations. Shocking. Yahoo HAS “global news operations?”

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Derrick Rose is out for the season. And Bulls fans are asking Cubs fans friends about borrowing their ‘Wait until next year” t-shirts.

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From T.C.  About my post on  Georgia Southern beating  Florida Saturday without completing a pass.  “Finally, a team I could play for, says Tim Tebow.”

Indifference

October 29, 2013

Tuesday is National Cat Day. And most cats are thinking, isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day?

 

Tuesday was also the NBA’s opening night. Which means we’re only 6-7 months from when the games start getting meaningful.

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For all those baseball fans who realize sadly that Wednesday could be the last MLB  game of the year, there’s a silver lining: It’s also the last time we have to listen to Tim McCarver.

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San Diego State played their third annual Halloween baseball game Sunday, with everyone on the field in costume. Big deal, say Cubs fans. For 100 years we’ve been watching guys dress up like professional baseball players.

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Ah that Lane Kiffin legacy. According to CBS Sports, USC is projected for a bowl this year. Except that it’s Dec. 21, the New Mexico Bowl, against San Jose State….

(Says my friend Gib Worley, Kiffin did less with a pack of Trojans than Sean Kemp.)

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Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson, who broke his arm in a car accident caused by trying to save a pizza from sliding off the passenger seat, says he’s received a year’s free pizza from DiGiorno. Uh, except if Burleson has this much trouble driving with a pizza, do the Lions really want him messing with an oven?

 

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Jeb Bush made a speech last night where he decried “crony capitalism.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight fares during “Who’s on first.”

 

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The Cardinals’ plane was stuck for hours  on the tarmac in St. Louis.    Has Will Middlebrooks been charged with obstruction?

 

Golden Gloves announced for baseball tonight. Not a single winner on the West Coast. So apparently MLB voters have as hard a time staying up to watch those 1030p East Coast games (or highlights) as the folks from ESPN.

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Following his latest arrest, Chris Brown has entered rehab. Must mean he’s serious. About avoiding prison.

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Johnny Manziel, asked who he’d most like to party with, first came up with… Charlie Sheen. Let’s see, time to open the pools. Date Manziel signs his first NFL contract? Date of his next arrest? Pick both and make it a daily double.

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Just as an aside to this whole NSA tapped cellphone mess, somewhere is George W. Bush thinking “oh, so that’s why Cheney told me Angela Merkel liked having her shoulders rubbed?”

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Currently dismissed Notre Dame QB Everett Golson in an SI interview. “I had poor judgment on a test It wasn’t due to poor grades or anything like that.” Asked “Did you cheat on a test?” “Yeah, something like that.” “SOMETHING” like that? Since Golson is planning to reapply in 2014 and play again, maybe he should figure that the rules might be a little more specific..

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The federal administrator in charge of the Obamacare site apologized today and said “HealthCare.gov can and will be fixed.” And wonder how many in the GOP said “Hmm, time to hire some (more?) hackers..”

Cardinals rule

October 18, 2013

FOX has announced that all World Series games this year will take place at 8:07pm EST, except for Sunday night’s game which will start at 815p. Way to pull in children as lifelong fans…. kids on the East Coast will be lucky to make it up for 3 innings.

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SF Giants fans watching tonight’s NLCS game had to be shaking their heads – who knew you were allowed to score runs on Clayton Kershaw?

Alas in the NLCS for Dodgers fans against the #stlcards, Clayton #Kershaw turned out to be no Barry Zito.

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At about the 5th inning it became obvious that not even Mike Matheny giving Wacha the game ball will save the Dodgers. #beatLA

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From Giants Hot Corner:  “Tonight was the first rainy, 9-0 win to clinch a NL pennant since… the Giants beat the Cardinals last year”

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(Congrats to St. Louis, actually. But bet they won’t have anywhere near as cool a souvenir as the SF Giants rain globe.)

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In college football, UCF (University of Central Florida) had a last minute rally to upset previously undefeated Louisville tonight, 38-35. Wonder if the Golden Knights got a congratulatory phone call from the president of the SEC?

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Enterprise Rent-A-Car announced they will start renting Harley-Davidson motorcycles on the Las Vegas Strip. Great, let’s mix testosterone, motorbikes and Vegas…. With possibly alcohol.   What could possibly go wrong?

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A federal air marshal was arrested yesterday at Nashville Airport for allegedly using his cellphone to take upskirt pictures of female passengers boarding a plane. If the guy wanted to see under women’s clothes, why didn’t he just get a job running TSA’s body scanners?

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I must say that watching Prince Fielder play first is really making me miss watching that svelte young man Pablo Sandoval. #ALCS

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From TC   “Phoenix Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald is enrolled in the U of Phoenix and is working on a degree in Communications. Too bad he couldn’t get QB Carson Palmer signed up as well so they could both be on the same page.”

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Mitch McConnell said there will not be another government shutdown: “I think we have now fully acquainted our new members with what a losing strategy that is.” Ted Cruz said he wouldn’t rule it out and will “continue to do anything to stop the train wreck that is Obamacare.” This is beginning to remind me of some folks who brag about their parenting skills while their little darlings run amok.

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So between the government being shut down and the government not being shut down is there any real difference in what Congress is not doing?

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Russian airline Transaero will get its first Airbus A380 in 2015, and while they plan 12 First and 24 Business Class seats, the carrier plans to put 612 seats in economy class. Don’t tell United Airlines.

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FOX has announced that all World Series games this year will take place at 8:07pm EST, except for Sunday night’s game which will start at 815p. Way to pull in children as lifelong fans…. kids on the East Coast will be lucky to make it up for 3 innings.

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A woman who was working as a drug informant asked two POLICE OFFICERS she was riding with to help find a hitman to kill her husband. She was arrested when she met the “hitman”, who was an undercover officer, and gave him a shotgun. You guessed it, Florida. (Though Arizona would have been a good 2nd choice.)

Any given Sunday

October 13, 2013

saints saintssaintsIn New Orleans. Where they do love their football team….

saints

Although, up four points, 10 seconds left,  no timeouts for the Patriots….  Why not line up six men on the goal line, five at the five, and dare Brady and company to break through?  Just sayin’

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At this point finding replacement name for the Washington Redskins will have to be some inanimate object. Because the team is playing in a way that would be an insult to any real or mythical creature.

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The baseball Gods do not apparently approve of pulling a dominant starting pitcher who has thrown only 108 pitches #Redsox #Tigers

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Things fell apart for the Tigers so fast Sunday night, Giants fans had to wonder, did Leyland give Scherzer the game ball?

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Though if the Red Sox been shut out again would Bud Selig have declared a moratorium on post-season PED testing?

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Marc Ragovin “I guess you can say that the Red Sox won game two of the ALCS by the hair of their chinny chin chins.”

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The #Jets look to be joining the #Yankees, #Mets and #Giants in a campaign to give NY sports fans a choice: Hockey or basketball?

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GM Brian Cashman denied reports he would prefer to have A-Rod suspended than have the Yankees pay him $24 million last year. And he said it with a straight face.

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A Teapartier today at the so-called “Million Vet March” demanded that President Obama “leave town, put the Quran down, get up off his knees, and figuratively come out with his hands up.” Charming. Wonder why the same guy isn’t demanding that Ted Cruz go back to Canada.

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Rand Paul said that President Obama should not be using scare tactics about raising the federal debt ceiling. Right, add “the U.S. paying bills on time” to the list of commie pinko liberal concepts.

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I think I’m beginning to understand the narrative: When President Obama compromises with the GOP, he’s a spineless wimp.  When he stands his ground, he’s an arrogant wanna-be dictator.

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Only unhappy football fans in Denver Sunday night. Anyone who bet the 28 point spread. #Jagssuckbutnotthatmuch

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SF Giants fans are happy the team didn’t make the rumored trade of Javier Lopez to Detroit. Tigers fans tonight, not so much.

Lesus Saves?

October 11, 2013

Oops: The Vatican just withdrew thousands of official papal medals from sale when they discovered they had misspelled Jesus’ name as “”Lesus”. Guess this doesn’t do much for the doctrine of papal infallibility.

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The Oakland Raiders will play a 2014 NFL home game in London at Wembley. “Black Hole” meets soccer hooligans, wonder if the NFL is chipping in for police overtime….

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The Duggars say they are “actively trying” for their 20th child. And somewhere God is thinking “When I said go forth and multiply, I wasn’t thinking numbers that required a calculator.

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NY Jets TE Kellen Winslow is the latest player to receive a 4 game suspension for violating the NFL’s PED policy. He issued the standard “I apologize but I have no idea what happened because I would never knowingly take banned substances” statement….

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Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 million on four houses that border his home in Palo Alto. And for the Facebook founder to have that kind of privacy, guess the site will only need to add a few more ad generators invading ours….

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The MAC has announced a new bowl game known as the Boca Raton Bowl beginning in 2014. This is great news for all these teams who thought they might finish 6-6 and tragically miss the postseason.

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Stay classy Ted Cruz. When the Texas Senator spoke yesterday at a Tea Party event, he said he was going to meetings with the President, and “if I’m never seen again, please send a search and rescue team.”

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At Texas A&M, they are getting rid of the natural grass surface at Kyle Field after the season, and will sell it for $400 for a 460 sq ft pallet. Alas, the NY Giants share a stadium with the Jets. Otherwise Giants fans might be interested in a similar deal – if they can sell the Met Life field in chunks NOW, so the team could stop trying to play on it.

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Nazi war criminal Erich Priebke, 100, has died. He was under house arrest serving a life term for his part in a massacre of 335 civilians near Rome in 1944. Priebke’s lawyer announced his death saying “”The dignity with which he withstood his persecution made him an example of courage, coherence and loyalty.” Even Jerry Sandusky’s legal team is thinking “I want to throw up.”

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Well, it may hurt a bit if Zach Wheeler turns into an All-Star.  But at least the SF Giants’ idea to trade for Carlos Beltran in 2011 has been validated.  #BeatLA

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A federal judge ruled today that MLB can legally prohibit the Oakland A’s from moving to San Jose. Well, that ought to give Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committee enough to keep them deliberating another 5-10 years..

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Good week for Mitt Romney. The California Coastal Commission approved his plans to tear down his 3,000 sq-ft home in La Jolla, and build a 11,000 sq ft replacement. And he and Ann just bought an $8 million home in Park City to replace the one they sold before he ran for President. And these days Mitt doesn’t have to deal with any silly reporters asking him how many homes he has.

At bedtime Tuesday night, Matt Schaub threw out the cat–it was intercepted and run back for a TD. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/276663/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-11-2013-Edition-440#sthash.IlUkYfDh.dpuf
At bedtime Tuesday night, Matt Schaub threw out the cat–it was intercepted and run back for a TD. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/276663/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-11-2013-Edition-440#sthash.IlUkYfDh.dpuf

So many questions?

October 8, 2013

Definition of a “non-essential government worker.” Anyone whose job doesn’t immediately and directly benefit me.

A jealous Saudi husband divorced his wife after she posted a snap of her kissing an Arabian filly’s face. Was he jealous of his wife or the horse?

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A 21 year-old Texas high school teacher is under fire because it’s been discovered that she posed for Playboy as an 18 year-old college student. So far she’s keeping her job. And requests from fathers for parent-teacher conferences have probably jumped 1000%.

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Detroit Lions center Dominic Raiola apologized to Wisconsin’s marching band today for his “inappropriate” comments made to them before last Sunday’s game. Hmm, usually when you hear “apologized” “marching band” and “inappropriate” in the same sentence, the Stanford band is involved.

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John Boehner: “I didn’t come here to shut down the government. And I certainly didn’t come here to default on our debt.” (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once?)

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A new poll says that the GOP could lose the House over backlash from the current shutdown. But maybe Boehner has a plan for that too – shutdown the voting booths?

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Nike unveiled new Pro Bowl uniforms today, changing their colors from blue and red to orange and yellow. Sure, that will do it. The reason the game has been so unwatchable has been the color scheme….

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Two bases-loaded, nobody out situations today in the MLB playoffs… without a score. Somewhere Rod Beck and Harry Houdini are smiling.

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Wonder if the #Rays put a few sharks in their stingray pool  tonight to keep the #RedSox out of it?

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The 9 year old boy who sneaked onto the Delta flight apparently has previously sneaked into water parks, had gotten at least one free meal at a restaurant, and once stole a car. Wonder how many start-up companies want to hire him.

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Should we be that shocked that a child was able to sneak his way onto the plane, apparently by boarding with a family with a number of boarding passes…. Gate agents often seem to have no interest in counting carry-on bags, we expect them to count kids?

 

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From T.C.   “Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called his teams loss to the Broncos a moral victory. Translation: they beat the spread and I made a shitload of money.”

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Stay classy, Arizona. Your move, Florida: State Rep. Brenda Barton (R. Payson) on FB: “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?”

Mark Sanchez had season-ending surgery today, and said “I’m very disappointed that I can’t be out there to help my team on the field.” Many NY Jets fans are thinking that he’s doing a great job of helping his team by staying OFF the field.

Cleveland Browns executive Jon Sandusky, son of former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky, was arrested today for alleged DUI. Maybe he wanted to spend some quality time with his dad?

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When asked by a reporter’s today about a vote on a “clean” continuing resolution – to reopen the government with no strings attached – in order to end the shutdown. Boehner walked away humming “Doo, doo, doo.” I think one less “doo” would have about described the Speaker’s strategy.

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Amazing. Listening to those on the right, sometimes Obama is an arrogant authoritarian socialist President using his unfettered power to destroy our country. Other times he is completely bumbling and ineffectual, unable to accomplish anything. It’s so confusing.

Cover stories

September 24, 2013

 “Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?

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The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?

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With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.

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Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.

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-The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.

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Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?

President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.

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After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.

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The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.

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The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”

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So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?

Don’t Jeer the Beard?

September 21, 2013

Senator John McCain tweeted after the Dodgers jumped in the Dbacks pool to celebrate “No-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats!”

Pitcher Brian Wilson’s tweet back “Senator McComplain knows a thing or two about coming in second and watching someone take a plunge in the pool (I mean poll) #POoLITICS

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Alex Rodriguez apparently didn’t know Friday night that Andy Pettitte had announced his retirement.  A-Rod also doesn’t know it’s time to announce his OWN retirement.

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So the hottest new thing is a gold iPhone, and it’s already sold out? Come on, this is America. How long until someone comes up with iPhone paint?

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Anthony Weiner in an interview “I’m not an idiot.” (But I do play one on TV?)

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Yet another reason why the America’s Cup has not captured the attention of the country: Today’s race’s cancelled due to “changes in wind direction.”

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Raining in Oakland Saturday. And with the stadium’s sewage and draining problems,  had the A’s clinched, they wouldn’t need a pool…. they could have just swam in the dugout.

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From Marc Ragovin  “John McCain twitted that the Dodgers’ players celebrating in the Diamondbacks’ stadium pool after clinching the NL West was a “no-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats.” And he added “and stay off of my lawn.”

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Andy Pettitte, who admitted to using HGH, now says “I’ve never tried to cheat anything in my life.”. I guess it depends on what the definition of “cheat” is.

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Ohio State 76, FAMU 0. Good thing coach Urban Meyer is a classy guy who would never try to run up a score.

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GOP Florida Rep. Ted Yoho, who wants to shut down the govenment over defunding Obama care, told the NY Times “It only takes one with passion — look at Rosa Parks, Lech Walesa, Martin Luther King. people with passion that speak up, they’ll have people follow them because they believe the same way, and smart leadership listens to that.” And somewhere Parks, Walesa and King are taking turns throwing up.

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, before the season started: “We want to be above reproach.” After Aldon Smith’s latest arrest: “Well, we haven’t killed anyone yet.”

-The Cubs say they will not release closer Kevin Gregg despite his public criticism of the team. Makes sense, keep him suffering in Chicago long as possible -

There have been rumors that Nick Saban might be lured away from Alabama to coach Texas. Hmm, if true does it means the Crimson Tide is not far away from going on probation?

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This has been referred to as “Shark Week” in college football for all the ranked teams against much lesser opponents (Ohio State vs. FAMU, Louisville vs. Florida International, etc. ) In many of these cases think swimmers had a better chance against the sharks.
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And while Michigan escaped a now 0-3 UConn, the theme of the week has to be  “What if a week happened in the #NCAA football schedule but nothing happened and nobody cared?”
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Shoot, look who’s the messenger!

September 19, 2013

Pope Francis said in an interview that the Catholic church has been too focused on the issues of abortion, gay marriage and contraception and suggests it find a “new balance” to deliver its message. Would Francis like to come to America and deliver the same message to the Republican party?

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A Pennsylvania man was charged with a DUI, on a riding lawn mower. Wonder if their first clue was that he thought he was driving his car?

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Japanese baseball commissioner Ryozo Kato resigned over a controversy involving a new home run record. (The league had switched to a livelier baseball.) Meanwhile, of course, Bud Selig has had NOTHING to do with any of MLB’s home run record issues….

(this last item brought to you by the Brooklyn Bridge realty company.)

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Apparently one $400 million winning Powerball ticket was sold today in South Carolina. So regarding Miss Carolina’s comment in the Miss America pageant that 20% of her state lives in mobile homes – make that 20% minus 1.

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NASA is looking for participants in a test study to help them find out how the human body reacts to 70 days in a bed rest position. The first questions from most potential men volunteers – “Do we get our own remotes, and how many channels?”

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Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”

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From T.C.   “As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.”

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Just thinking, if women with PMS or menopause symptoms regularly picked up weapons and went after strangers, we might be having a very different discussion on gun control.

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John McCain wrote a scathing retort to Vladimir Putin for the Russian newspaper Pravda’s online English website. Wonder if the credits underneath said something like “This is from U.S. Senator John McCain. The man who wanted his vice-president to be Sarah Palin.”

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Only three things have kept 2013 #SFGiants from being a playoff contender – June, July and August.

 

My son Carey adds, only three things have kept the Houston Astros from being a playoff contender – Spring, Summer and Fall.

 

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So Thursday was #TalkLikeAPirateDay. But what does a Wall Street banker sound like?

 

 

Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”

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Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who has been free on bail, got his 2010 conviction for money laundering was overturned today. Give Illinois some credit – at least they jail their politicians who are crooks.

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Yo, Bud Selig, for teams that don’t make the playoffs, late September should be about playing spoiler. But the SF Giants trying to spoil it for the…. NY Yankees?

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Ah, that bridge to the 19th century: Ron Paul, talking about how he hopes to have 20% of children home schooled.  And for women “These are the problems I’m trying to correct . Because they have to be in the workforce and they have to work and not take care of kids….”

Paint Drying Alert.

September 18, 2013

America’s Cup races 11 and 12 were postponed today. This after a close race 10 where New Zealand skipper Dean Barker said afterwards “If you didn’t enjoy today’s racing out there, you should watch another sport.” Most Americans sports fans didn’t hear him though, as they were watching other sports.

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If the Kiwis win both races today, the America’s Cup will go back to New Zealand. Not to say most in the US won’t care, but to paraphrase Shakespeare, “Easy will lie the head that used to wear the crown.”

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A South Carolina woman was arrested for allegedly injuring her housemate with knives because he wouldn’t stop playing Eagles music. Good thing the guy wasn’t a Justin Bieber fan or he’d probably be dead.

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Just announced: the Cal Bears football game on September 28 against #2 Oregon in Eugene will be at 730p for television. Presumably to attract fans of “Breaking Bad” who enjoy watching prime-time slaughter.

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Who says the NFL isn’t looking out for the common man. The league said today that 40% of tickets to this year’s Super Bowl will be under $1000.

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Penthouse Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Said many women – “What’s Penthouse?” Said most men under 30 – “What’s a magazine?”

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KFC in Indonesia is now offering for dessert, a donut topped with Swiss and Cheddar cheese. This wouldn’t happen in the U.S. They’d sell the donut with cheese AND bacon.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  FC Barcelona has signed a nine-year-old Swedish prodigy, Zico Marecaldi Jr., to their training academy.During the process, they were advised by recruiters from American college football’s Southeastern Conference.

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The World Champion SF Giants are finally looking like the team they were in Oct. 2012. Too bad it took until Sept. 2013.

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Miss South Carolina Brooke Mosteller last Sunday night in her Miss America pageant intro: “I’m from the state where 20% of our homes are mobile because that’s how we roll.” Maybe she should have stuck to “World Peace.”.

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Very different cases, but Edward Snowden, Aaron Alexis…. Maybe the U.S. does need to look at the requirements for screening subcontractors?

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-Congrats to Chris Davis, for breaking the Baltimore Orioles single season home run record. But as vehement as Davis is about not being juiced, does he really want any more comparisons with Brady Anderson?

 

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Fox News’ Elisabeth Hasselback, talking about how the left has it wrong, and what we REALLY need is video game control “What about frequency testing? How often has this game been played? I’m not one to get in there and say, monitor everything, but if this, indeed, is a strong link, right, to mass killings then why aren’t we looking at frequency of purchases per person? And also, how often they’re playing and maybe they time out after a certain hour.”

Guess she doesn’t think if video games are outlawed, only outlaws will have video games.

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Here we go again. Some in the GOP threatening to shut down the U.S. Government if we don’t defund Obamacare. Now, whatever you think of Obamacare, wouldn’t you think if Americans really wanted to do that, they would have tossed the President backing it out of office?

Monday mourning.

September 16, 2013

If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.

But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”

(A friend said this “punchline” is stale.  Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it.   )

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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?

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Okay, back to sports etc….

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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?

The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.

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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.

Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?

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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.

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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.

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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.

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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.

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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.

 

Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.

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From Jim Barach:  Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”

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And finally a  little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.

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