Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Good men (and women) without a gun.

August 22, 2015

Forget armed security guards. Maybe we just need to offer free train travel at all times to off-duty U.S. military members. ‪#‎Seriously‬

Well, at least Ted Cruz is consistent. He joked about Joe Biden a few days after his son Beau died, and attacked Jimmy Carter’s administration as “failed,” “feckless” and “naive” yesterday. Part of Cruz’s ‪#‎noshredofhumandecencyleftbehind‬ policy.

Wasn’t that long ago when Matt Cain threw a perfect game against Houston & some sniffed “Well, it’s only the ‪#‎Astros‬.” Go Stros! ‪#‎BeatLA‬

If Donald Trump REALLY cared about illegal immigration as opposed to just getting attention, why doesn’t he start a crackdown to find and fire undocumented workers at his hotels and construction sites? He’s as much of a hypocrite on the subject as the Duggars are about sex.

Donald Trump got 30,000 people to show up at a football stadium in Alabama for a speech. And they said it couldn’t be done – a whiter crowd than NASCAR.

A woman was taken to the hospital after being hit in the head by a foul ball yesterday at Comerica Field She is reportedly “alert and conscious.” Justin Verlander later took to Twitter to tell MLB to put up protective netting around the field “@MLB should make changes before it’s too late.”

But people get in accidents driving to the field too, and some number of them probably have heart attacks after eating ballpark food. Maybe we should just tell the fans not to come? ‪#‎fanslovecatchingballs‬

Adrian Peterson tonight. “I’m the LeBron” of NFL. And James is thinking, well, I CAN beat that with a stick.

In Petaluma, California, police say a couple used a stolen credit card to purchase 15 $1,000 gift cards at Target. So they got away with it because $16,000 worth of gift cards would have been suspicious?

After the sheriff’s office posted his name as one of their most-wanted, a 21-year-old man, Logan Hale, started taunting them on Facebook with a “Finally Free” screen name, and posts like “Hello, Here I am.” and “deputies continue to look for me but are frustrated that I am unable to be located.”

Apparently Hale should have spent less time posting and more time hiding. They caught him after less than a week. And you guessed it, Florida.

A high school football game in South Bend was called with 2.54 remaining in the first half following a brawl which required police intervention. So do all these kids aspire to play for the Fighting Irish?

So no one lives forever, but isn’t it lovely to think that Jimmy Carter has a chance of outliving the guinea worm. ‪#‎bestexpresidentever‬

(a link for the uninitiated –  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3207538/Jimmy-Carter-wants-Guinea-worm-disease-eradicated-death.html)

‘From T.C.   Jameis Winston says he has a photographic memory: “Guess it ran out of film the day the QB forgot to pay for his crab legs and was arrested for shoplifting.

Tommy don’t lose that number?

July 28, 2015

So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. ‪#‎TomBrady‬

But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one?  Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…

The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.

Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”

LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.

So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.

The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?

So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.

Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” ‪#‎justiceforCecil‬

Grounded?

July 16, 2015

President Obama will be in New York City Friday night, and the FAA has issued a no fly zone over Manhattan. Which won’t affect commercial flights, but will force wealthy folks heading to the Hamptons to take ground transportation instead of private helicopters. “I feel so sorry for them,” said no one in 99.9% of the population.

Interesting, all the talk about Caitlyn Jenner. But if we’re talking LGBT acceptance, the U.S. women’s soccer team has both gay and straight players, and it doesn’t seem to affect their chemistry OR performance.

Apparently this season has seen a big increase in the number of NL managers who are batting their pitcher 8th in the lineup. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner is not pleased with this trend. He thinks he should bat at least 6th.

Here’s a serious idea for a change. Let’s change the MLB trade deadline to during the All-Star break. Would make it easier for players to get to their new teams. And would give sports fans something more interesting to follow during the break than NBA summer league scores.

 

Mark Cuban is now proposing that the NBA playoffs be expanded to 10 teams per conference. Right, so teams like the Indiana Pacers would be spared the heartache of just missing the playoffs with a 38-44 record.

 

Josh Smith has left the Rockets for the Clippers, signing for $1.5 million, the veteran minimum, and reportedly told a source he chose “winning over money?” So Smith is bad at history, statistics AND math?

The Tennessee Highway Safety Office is pulling the “100 Days of Summer Heat Booze It and Lose It Campaign” which was intended to keep young men from drinking too much, with had posters and coasters with messages like this
“After a few drinks the girls look hotter and the music sounds better. Just remember: If your judgment is impaired, so is your driving.”
“Buy a drink for a marginally good looking girl only to find out she’s chatty, clingy and your boss’s daughter. If this sounds like something you would do, your judgment is impaired and so is your driving.”
The only question. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place?

New Jersey is considering a lottery, open only to state college students and alumni, where the winner would get all their student loan debt paid off. Great, so if they don’t know enough already, students can go further into debt buying lottery tickets.

As we approach the 2nd half of the MLB season, Vegas has updated their odds for this years World Series winner- with the favorites being the Royals, Cardinals, Nationals and Dodgers. The Phillies are last 5000-1.

Note to anything thinking of betting on the Phillies. try something with better odds. Like buying a Powerball lottery ticket.

But really, a 5,000 to 1 bet on the Phillies now to win the World Series?   Or for that matter 250 to 1 on the Brewers,  or even 50-1 on the Red Sox?    In all of these and more case, when they’re saying “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” clearly they’re talking about your money.

 

Apparently Vegas sports books are quite worried about the Royals and Astros, as they stand to pay out big bucks if either team, lightly regarded in the preseason, wins the World Series. But on the other hand, MGM properties report 4,000 bets placed on the Cubs, more than double that on any other team. ‪#‎youlosesomeyouwinsome‬

TLC has officially cancelled “19 kids and counting.” Anybody here actually watch the show in the first place?

 

 

From T.C.  Russell Wilson’s new sweetie, Ciara, sang the anthem at All Star game. It was suggested that he could hand off the microphone to her.

Not ready for Prime-time?

July 15, 2015

Alabama coach Nick Saban, whose Crimson Tide lost to OSU in the college football playoffs, says his “team chemistry from the SEC Championship Game to the playoff was affected by something.” And Saban thinks it was the approaching deadline to declare for the NFL draft. Well, it sure wasn’t their studies.

The reviews are in, and apparently Amazon’s ‪#‎PrimeDay‬ is a ‪#‎Subprimeday‬.

This trend is not in keeping with the God-like nature and dignity of cats. But, okay, it’s funny. #trumpyourcat
trumpyourcat
Donald Trump was bragging today that he is worth $10 billion. That must give such a warm fuzzy feeling to creditors of his four companies that have declared bankruptcy.

 

A Republican congressman from Florida is positing Trump’s candidacy is really a Democratic plot.  Not likely. As if anyone thinks the Democratic party is that organized.
The IRS reported the hold time for customers trying to reach customer service reps between Jan 1-April 18, 2015 was 23 minutes, and that only 37% of taxpayers who called actually got through. Wow Are they trying to run a government agency or an airline?

Florida sure seems determined to win the internet this week. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “A Florida man was arrested for having sex with bound and gagged alligator. He’s writing a book about it called: “50 Shades of Everglades.”

 

 

Dr. Steven Hotze, president of Conservative Republicans of Texas says that gay marriage is to “celebrate those that participate in anal sex.” And they will teach it to kids in schools. Kids will be encouraged to practice sodomy in kindergarten.”

So Hotze thinks that previously kids have been encouraged to practice vaginal sex in kindergarten?

 

 

 

Nothing against Caitlyn Jenner.  Absolutely respect her decision, and she made a very good speech.  But the Arthur Ashe award on the ESPYs should have gone to Lauren Hill. Period.

 

Not that anyone saves a prime space in their trophy room for an ESPY. But okay, Madison Bumgarner loses “Best Championship Performance” not to American Pharoah, but to LeBron James, who DIDN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. I call bullsh*t. Irrelevant bullsh*t, but bullsh*t nonetheless.

(and then they give best male athlete to Steph Curry.  Not a bad choice.  But so Lebron  beats Madbum but  doesn’t even win the best basketball player of the year…?  #anythingbuthonoringabaseballplayerwhoisntDerekJeter

Home Field advantage for the NL – Dodged. Or rather, Dodgered.

July 15, 2015

All those Los Angeles fans who were originally claiming that Clayton Kershaw wasn’t on the NL All Star team. Who knew, most of them were Angels fans with delusions of World Series /home field advantage grandeur?

Now there’s no Major League Baseball for two more days. So the whole country gets to see what it’s like to be Phillies fans.

 

Tiger Woods, rejecting retirement rumors at a news confererence at St. Andrews: “I know some of you guys think I’m buried and done, but I’m still right here in front of you.” Well, through Friday anyhow.

 

After Brittney Griner filed for annulment 28 days after their marriage, fellow WNBA player and soon to be ex-wife Glory Johnson is now asking for $20,000 a month in spousal support.
So yeah, who’s to say gay marriages aren’t equal to “straight” marriages? ‪#‎messy‬

There were fortunately no injuries when a British woman crashed her car into the back of a van while, as the Daily Mail put it, “pleasuring herself with a vibrator.” Hmm, seems like maybe there’s a potential extra-cost option to be added to those self-driving cars.

 

Another rant:  After the tragic murder of a young woman in SF, GOP House members are blasting the Obama administration. And they are working on legislation to prevent detained illegal immigrants with criminal records from being released in future.

Okay, fine. Now, while they’re at it, Kathryn Steinle was shot with a gun that had been stolen from a Federal agent earlier in the week. How about legislation to require tracking devices in guns similar to cellphones, which would also prevent murders from happening.

 

Scott Walker – “The left claims that they’re for American workers and they’ve just got just really lame ideas — things like the minimum wage.”

Well, yeah, if Americans would just start out for say, $1 an hour, there’d be no problem with unemployment or off-shoring jobs….

 

How bad does it have to be with Bill Cosby when his wife Camille is DEFENDING him by saying his alleged victims “consented” to taking drugs and having sex with him.

 

 

The Oklahoma GOP posted this on their FB page Tuesday..
“The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because “The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”
Thus ends today’s lesson in irony ?‪#‎OKGOP‬

Wednesday the post was taken down. Thus ends today’s lesson in thinking before you post on social media. ‪#‎cantfixmean‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

And back to the sport rants.

An Oakland As season ticket holder has filed a class-action lawsuit to force Major League Baseball to extend the safety netting at its ballparks the entire length of the foul lines, saying there are 1,750 injuries a year now at games.

Okay, 162 times 15 (30 teams playing each other) is 2,430 games. Plus an large number of playoff games. So less than an injury a game. But how many fans now enjoy getting foul balls at games? How many of those injuries are serious? How many involve cellphones? And last but not least, how much do the fan’s lawyers hope to make out of this?

All-Star Eve

July 13, 2015

Congrats to Todd Frazier, who defeated Joc Pederson 14-13 to win the All-Star Home Run Derby. MLB next year may shoot for even higher totals. So instead of players inviting friends and relatives to throw potential home run balls to them, the league may give the job to the Red Sox pitching staff.

There were actually worries that severe thunderstorms might have rained tonight out.  So maybe even God was thinking He/She was getting a bit tired of the Home Run Derby.

Even Gregg Popovich is impressed with this exchange between a FoxSports reporter and Zack Greinke.

“Matt Vasgergian: “Zack, you want to say a few words?”

Zack Greinke: “No.”

Some SF Giants fans are unhappy that Bruce Bochy is starting Zack Greinke over Madison Bumgarner in the All-Star Game. But really, Greinke IS having a better year. Must have helped to have had most of last October off.

All-Star Game starting pitchers, the Dodgers’ Zack Greinke and the Astros’ Dallas Keuchel. Top two questions from casual baseball fans: 1. Aren’t the Astros in the NL? and 2. Dallas who?

Open note to Bruce Bochy. If the All-Star game is down to the bottom of the ninth and the NL is behind, save one of those Pirate players to pinch hit. ‪#‎backtobackextrainningwalkoffs‬

What’s a bigger sign of the apocalypse? That the AL All-Star game has no starters from either the Yankees or the Red Sox? Or that the Cubs are over .500 at the All-Star break?

(thanks to Neal for the idea that got the above started.)

Not only did Mexican drug lord El Chapo escape, he did so via a lighted and ventilated tunnel, over a mile long, which he somehow had built while inside a maximum security prison. It’s a shame this guy is such a bad dude, Caltrans could use him to oversee some of their building projects.

 

FSU president John E. Thrasher met with the Semnoles’ football team today, and apparently gave them a lecture to remind them that playing for Florida State is a “privilege, not a right.”

Seems like three words would have done it. “Don’t get arrested.”

This week is the SEC media days for football. Over 1,200 (not a typo) members of the media requested credentials. And some people really wonder why these players have trouble with the student-athlete concept….

Fortunately there were no injuries when a 19 year-old-old crashed his car in Atherton, California Saturday night, totaling the car and wiping out fences and shubbery. He was allegedly drunk. The car was a 2014 Tesla. Another possible affluenza defense?

Scott Walker officially announced he was running for President. Thereby surprising most people who figured he was already running for President.

Joys of the modern age. When you need to change a password. And it’s got to be complicated with different cases, punctuation marks and numbers. And while you’re typing that new password it has to be encrypted so you can’t see what you’re typing.

THEN it asks you to confirm the new password. And says the confirmation doesn’t match, please correct. Except you have no idea if the error was in the first or the second typing because of the encryption. Okay I am done now. ‪#‎therehastobeaneasierway‬

Now it’s Marco Rubio reporting his fundraising  – $12 million in the last 3 months. You know, if you’re someone who makes GOP commercials and campaign material, and you’re still unemployed at this point, you just might want to find another line of work.

From T.C. “Russell Wilson’s new sweetie is singing the anthem at All Star game tomorrow. Wonder if he’ll show up to hand her the microphone.

Broken dreams.

July 12, 2015

Lebron James says he still has “nightmares” over Cleveland’s loss to Golden State ” I can never get away from losing in the Finals.” Don’t they say practice makes perfect?

 

Bruce Bochy has added Clayton Kershaw to the NL All-Star SF Giants fans have no problem with this. Maybe Bochy can pitch him for 8 innings?

Max Scherzer is pitching today and so will miss the All-Star game. And the Nationals, who saw Madison Bumgarner last year, are thinking, “If we win the NL and have Max Scherzer, we don’t need no stinking home field advantage.”

 

The Knicks beat the Spurs, 78-73 in their first Summer League game in Las Vegas yesterday. The game was also the head coaching debut of Becky Hammon. And everyone survived just fine. ‪#‎Thetimestheyareachangin‬

Buffalo Bills OL coach Aaron Kromer was arrested this morning in Florida for allegedly punching a boy in the face. And at NFL headquarters they’re thinking “At least it wasn’t a girl.”

Jayson Tatum, the #2 ranked 2016 basketball recruit, has committed to join the Blue Devils, saying “I love the way the program is run and I love the way the academics are set up.” So Tatum is thinking Duke has the best 1 year high school post-graduate program in the country?

NY Rep. Carolyn Maloney today cited the World Cup in calling for gender pay equality. “Women are being short-changed in soccer. We need to step up and work for equal pay.” The U.S. women’s national team received $2 million, whereas the men got $8 million for losing in the round of 16.

Well, and no doubt that’s because of TV ratings. The Women’s final had 25.4 million viewers, only about 2 million more than this year’s NBA finals game 6 and 2014’s World Series game 7. Oops, never mind.

 

Donald Trump is bragging that 15,000 supporters came to watch his Phoenix speech, and that tickets to ‘free’ event sold online for as much as $100. Right. But what’s more American than turning out for a really spectacular circus?

Joaquin Guzman, “El Chapo”, who was the most wanted drug lord in the world until his 2014 arrest, apparently escaped from a Mexican maximum security prison for the second time.

Maybe they ought to rethink that “maximum security” part? ‪#‎Whatsminimumsecurity‬?

 

Donald Trump, surprise, is seizing on the escape of drug lord “El Chapo” from a Mexican maximum security as proof of that country’s corruption. So what was the escape of two murderers from a U.S. maximum security prison proof of…?


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