Posted tagged ‘Apple jokes’

Not enough millions to buy a clue?

May 21, 2013

Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

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Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

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Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

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Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

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A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

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From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.

 

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The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

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Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

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Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.

 

 

A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

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Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.

 

New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

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As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

Lost?

November 28, 2012

The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.

 

Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.

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Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.

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Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…

 

Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.

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First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?

 

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The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.

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Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their  crosstown rivals?

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When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….

 

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Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?

 

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The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.

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Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.

Lost?

September 29, 2012

CNN Headline today “Apple seems to have gotten a little bit lost.” Uh, that’s probably because they used their own Maps app.

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Keegan Bradley and Phil Mickelson won a Ryder Cup match with a record tying 7 and 6 victory over Lee Westwood and Luke Donald. Prompting many Americans who heard the news to chant “USA, USA, USA – uh, I have no idea what a 7 and 6 victory means.”

 

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In a statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that “fans deserve better.” Tell us about it, said Cleveland Browns fans.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger said his estranged wife hasn’t read his tell-all book, but added “I think that Maria is, you know, wishing me well in everything I do.” Well, maybe UNTIL she reads the book.

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How many people heard “Fox airs suicide live” and thought they were showing another Mitt Romney 47% speech?

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TLC plans 3 new episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Great news for tv viewers who find “Keeping up w/ the Kardashians” too intellectual.

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Karl Rove said this week of the Presidential campaign. “There are 11 different ways to win without Ohio.” True, and about 100 ways to lose.

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Ben Affleck interviewed about his 7 year marriage to Jennifer Garner: “For a successful marriage, one, a man needs to know who the boss is, and two, he needs to know it’s not him.”

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Bud Light has new “Limited Edition NFL Kickoff” cans. If you save one and display it on your mantle, you might be a Redneck.

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The head coach of a Tustin, California children’s Peewee (10-11 year olds) football team has been suspended, along with the league president, after players allegedly were offered $50 in cash to knock opponents out of games. Shocking. What ever happened to rewards like doughnuts and Slurpees?.

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Congrats to Homer Bailey on his no-hitter tonight. But the way the Pirates are playing should the game have an asterisk?

Can you find me now?

September 28, 2012

Many customers are so unhappy with Apple’s new Maps application that they want to storm the company headquarters. Fortunately for Apple, if they use the new App they’ll never find it.

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You can tell many in the sports world have moved on when ESPN radio guys muse without a trace of irony today about Michael Vick being on a short leash.

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Give the Ryder Cup credit, who’d a thunk you’d ever hear a “USA USA” chant on a golf course?

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Rex Ryan now admits he mistook Alex Smith for Aaron Rodgers at this year’s NFL awards. Didn’t know Smith and Rodgers had the same shoe size.

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And who ever thought before this lockout that anyone would ever see this headline? “Fans greet NFL refs with standing ovation.”

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United Airlines beverage napkin: “Planes change. Values don’t’. Your priorities will always be ours.”. Even Romney and Obama on the campaign trail are crying bullsh*t.

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Sign of how far civilization has come – Direct TV on planes. Sign that the Mayans may have been rIght – one offering is “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

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Wonder why the Cleveland Indians fired manager Manny Acta with only six games left in the season? Guess they wanted him to suffer this year  as much as the fans did.

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The NBA says they will institute procedures to reduce “flopping.”  Instead of fouls during the game, however, the league office will probably do postgame reviews, and fine the offenders.   Will they refer to the new rule as the “Ginobili tax?”

TGIF – again?

July 6, 2012

The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.

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The Giants’ Aubrey Huff,  hitting .155 and  on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?

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Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”

(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)

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According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?

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An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.

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Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?

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Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?

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Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.

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David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.

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Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”

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Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”

(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”

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Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)

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Can you hear me now?

June 13, 2012

Apple has a lot of plans to expand Siri. Is this really the best idea? As most married women know, men may start out paying a lot of attention to a specific female voice, but over the years learn to tune it out.

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Roger Clemens chose not to testify in his own defense at his trial. Had Roger just not VOLUNTEERED to testify before Congress in the first place,  think of the tiime and money that would have been saved.

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So if Mitt Romney really believes the private sector does so much better a job than government workers, and he really cares about his family as much as he claims to do, why doesn’t he fire his Secret Service detail and use private security?

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Inspired by Peter Woolery: In Los Angeles hockey fans are listening to “We are the Champions.” In New Jersey, it’s “Sympathy for the Devil.”

 

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A tale of two cities: The population of Cleveland in 2010, 396,815, metropolitan area 2,063,283. Oklahoma City 579,999, with a metro-area population of 1,252,987. Early times in the NBA finals, but maybe size isn’t all that matters.

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This summer Burger King is offering a sundae with vanilla ice cream, fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon. Where’s NY Mayor Bloomberg when we really need him?

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Sleaze update of the day. Former PSU asst. coach Mike McQueary testified today about seeing Jerry Sandusky in the show with a boy who looked about 10-12 and that he heard a “skin-on-skin smacking sound.” One question for McQueary, how did you live with yourself seeing Sandusky regularly around campus after that?

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Casey Anthony in a phone interview with Piers Morgan. “Obviously I didn’t kill my daughter.” “Obviously?” Well, not exactly.

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But really, why did Casey Anthony choose now to do a public interview?  Was she afraid Jerry Sandusky would take her “Most Hated American” title?

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Senator Harry Reid of Nevada said today that Manny Pacquiao was robbed in his match against Timothy Bradley. Wonder if this means when the government gets through with spending millions on the Clemens trial, they will go after boxing next.

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Sources say an open container of alcohol was found in Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche after her accident. Maybe she figures going back to jail is cheaper than rehab?

(My friend Laura T. says “Where’s Johnny Cochran when you need him? The bottle was left in the car by someone else -if the lips don’t fit, you must acquit…”)

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Rory McElroy, the U.S. Open reigning champion, did a nice job of throwing out the first pitch at tonight’s S.F. Giants game. He said he was practicing by throwing golf balls. Hmm, can anyone pick up a package of those for Tim Lincecum?

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Latest MLB controversy, Tigers closer Jose Valverde allegedly throwing a spitball Sunday night against the Reds. Brings to mind Don Sutton’s great denial of putting a foreign substance on the ball: “Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States..

The SF Giants’ 16 game home run drought at A T and T Park is over. So who had Madison Bumgarner in the pool?

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At 37, Vladimir Guerrero has been released by Toronto Blue Jays and is available. Is he past his prime enough for SF Giants to sign him?,

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Lindsay Graham has broken with Grover Norquist’s and his anti-tax pledge. Graham wants the U.S. to eliminate some tax deductions to get out of debt, saying that due to the country’s poor fiscal climate, the Republican party’s position must evolve. What’s more heretical to the rest of the GOP? Effectively raising taxes or talking about evolution?

Tin cup, tin ear?

June 22, 2010

Tin cup, tin ear, could be the title of a Kevin Costner movie sequel about an aging golf pro who ends up deaf after a trip to the World Cup?

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Florida Marlins’ management said that their free mini-vuvuzela giveaway for their game against the Rays was a success. Players on both teams, however, say it was the worst sound they had heard in a ballpark since Roseanne Barr sang the national anthem..

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The French soccer team is being denounced as a bunch of “divas.” And female singers the world over are going, “No way, we divas are actually talented”

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Red Lobster, which serves raw and steamed oysters at some of their restaurants, will be putting the bivalves on hiatus for a while, due to their major supplier shutting down temporarily due to the oil spill. According to the Orlando Sentinel, “once Red Lobster’s current supply runs out, probably in the next couple of weeks, oysters will come off the menu,” a company spokesman said.

Hmm, a “couple weeks” supply of raw oysters on hand. Doesn’t that make you want to rush right out and order half a dozen next week?.

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Apple’s customer service woes continues as people who pre-ordered the new iPhone are reportedly having their orders cancelled with all kinds of excuses. Who does Apple think they are, Microsoft?

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Most of the cancelled orders are apparently online orders or those made through an iPhone app. Apple says the have live customer service agents who will try to help frustrated customers, but of course, that would require iPhone owners to figure out how to use their current device to actually make a call.

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Portugal beat North Korea 7-0 in the World Cup today. In related news, North Korea said it is just coincidence that the range of the new missiles they are testing is the approximate distance from Pyongyang to Lisbon.

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Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers broke his left fore arm and will miss the start of training camp, apparently from playing flag football. Note to Steve, you’re not supposed to try to tackle the flag.

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Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are postponing their honeymoon so the groom can go back to work on his upcoming film, “Cowboys and Aliens.” Makes sense, Harrison has to make enough money to pay for
Calista’s orthodonthia.

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Sometimes no satire I could write can match reality. This line, forwarded by a friend, is actually in the Texas Republican party platform: “Marriage Licenses – We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.”-

(On more mundane matters, the Texas GOP also wants to ban “Red Light Cameras.” (But they wouldn’t be a felony.)


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