Posted tagged ‘Alabama jokes’

What’s in a name?

October 28, 2014

American Airlines cancelled a Los Angeles to London flight Sunday and passengers were kept onboard for hours when someone on board picked up a wi-fi hot sport named “Al-Quida Free Terror Nettwork.” Police said today that “no crime was committed.” Shouldn’t someone be charged with felony stupidity?

 

 

So as we approach game six of the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, it makes so much sense that home field advantage was decided by a midsummer exhibition game where the only Royals and Giants involved were Salvador Perez and Hunter Pence, with one AB each, and Greg Holland who pitched one inning.

-

Oops, country singer Aaron Lewis, who as Deadspin noted criticized Christina Aguilera’s version of the Star Spangled Banner (“I don’t understand how people that sing the national anthem can be so f— self-obsessed that they would try to change that f— song.”), forgot the words last night at A T& T Park, singing the second line as “What so proudly we hailed were so gallantly streaming.”

-

And apologies to my Dodgers fan friends for this. But it was too funny to resist.

mound

-

“Bachelor” Juan Pablo and his girlfriend Nikki have broken up. “I’m shocked,” said none of the three people who cared.

 

A recent CNN poll found that 53% disapprove of President Obama’s performance. Which puts him well ahead of Congress, which has an 85% disapproval rating.

-

Some think Chris Christie’s tough guy style might be just what America needs against the Russians etc. But as of today it’s Nurse 1, Governor 0.

-

The Crimson Tide Foundation, Alabama boosters, paid off Nick Saban’s $3.1 million home last year and are paying property taxes each year. Of course if the NONPROFIT foundation bought dinner for some players the kids would be suspended.

 

University of Florida coach Will Muschamp complained today. “Well, you’ve got to get home and explain to your 9-year-old why they’re chanting to fire your dad.” So guess Muschamp’s 9-year-old doesn’t watch the games?

 

 

NY Jets GM John Idzik said in rambling press conference he is not concerned about his job security. That’s it. Forget the team’s record, that statement alone says that Idzik is too dumb to be GM.

-

Meanwhile, add Colt McCoy to a long list of QBs who appear to be better than Geno Smith.

 

 

 

#‎Cowboys‬ release ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ and promptly lose to ‪#‎Washington‬? Maybe God isn’t that upset with gays in the locker room? ‪#‎Rainbowkarma‬

 

Who says ‪#‎Dodgers‬ & ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans can’t get along?. I think we all were thrilled tonight to see the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ lose.

 

So if we’re quarantining threats to the public, when can we start quarantining firearms owners who haven’t taken classes in gun safety?

 

 

So you think your parents messed you up. An unidentified person posted an Instagram photo this weekend of a small child wearing a Ray Rice costume and dragging a doll. The caption “Greatest costume ever.” The picture has been taken down.

Column enhancing drugs?

January 8, 2014

Really? Ken Gurnick of MLB.com says he did not vote for Greg Maddux on the Hall of Fame ballot, because he’s excluding everyone from the steroid era. So Gurnick thinks it’s potential PED’s that got Maddux’s stuff to break 80 mph?

-

Just wondering how many of these holier-than-thou sportswriters have ever used anything illegal when they were on deadline?

-

Ratings for the Packers-49ers game were the highest ever for a NFL wild card game, presumably because viewers are fascinated to watch players in cold weather. Well, heck, forget the Super Bowl in somewhere “moderate” like New York, put it in Regina, Saskatchewan (where the Canadian Grey Cup was played.) Lowest temperature this weekend with wind chill, -53C.

-

Brent Musberger introduced himself last night as Kirk Herbstreit. Apparently reading the wrong cue card. Well, for those who worry Musberger is getting too old… at least he can still read.

 

While A.J. McCarron seems like a polite young man, his mother posted this tweet during Jameis Winston’s post BCS championship news conference- “Am I listening to English?” Guessing mom hasn’t spent a lot of time hanging around her son’s teammates.

-

Wonder how long it will take before someone adopts #polarvortex as their stripper name?

-

Over 500 travelers ended up stranded last night on Amtrak trains stuck in the snow near Chicago. If this had happened with a major U.S. airline, they’d all have been charged a sleeper surcharge.

-

A new study from Boston Children’s Hospital concluded that student athletes should avoid both sports activity and schoolwork after head injuries.  Responded many football players “schoolwork?”

From Jim Barach on the same subject “A study says that student athletes need to take a break from school after getting a concussion. Isn’t taking a break from school work the whole point of becoming a student athlete in the first place?”

-

Mountain Dew flavored Cheetos are now available in Japan. Actually, they should sell the snacks in Colorado and Washington, because I’m guessing you need to be really stoned before those sound good.

-

Rumor has it that Lane Kiffin will become Nick Saban’s new offensive coordinator. As if we didn’t have enough reasons to hate Alabama.

-

So much for the mystery of how he was stupid enough to get caught in the first place: A man escaped from a minimum security prison in Kentucky on Sunday, just before the coldest day of the year, with no money or outerwear. On Monday, with the temperature near 0, and wind chill -20, he asked a motel clerk to call the police so he could turn himself in.

-

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers are fighting to get his pension back (which his wife could then use), under the arguments that the law requiring sexual abusers to forfeit pensions was enacted after he was hired, and besides, the former coach was technically “retired” at the time of his crimes. Isn’t there any way to put this guy in prison general population?

-

Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant Emily Maynard is now engaged for the fourth time. (To be fair, her first fiance died.) And millions of men across America find this as interesting as some of their wives find the BCS standings.

-

One of the more amusing things, (and yes, I find the Batchelor/Bachelorette shows amusing in small doses) about the initial episode is these women sobbing about how they knew it was right, and they were so invested in “the journey”, and they knew the guy about 10 minutes.

-

Billionaire Longhorns Red McCombs called the hiring of Louisville head coach Charlie Strong a “kick in the face. Adding I don’t have any doubt that Charlie is a fine coach. I think he would make a great position coach, maybe a coordinator. But I don’t believe (he belongs at) what should be one of three most powerful university programs in the world right now at UT-Austin.” Is McCombs angling for a guest appearance on “Duck Dynasty?”

-

After further review

December 1, 2013

Just guessing Nick Saban didn’t watch this year’s Colts-Seahawks game.

(Indianapolis handed Seattle their – so far- only loss.  And the Colts first took the lead on a blocked field goal run back 61 yards for a touchdown.)

-

The Auburn-Alabama finish was really one for the ages. Are we sure the Stanford band wasn’t somehow involved?

-

 

Auburn AD Jay Jacobs said “it would be a disservice to the nation if we got left out” of the BCS game with one loss, mentioning how “a team ahead of us (Ohio State) struggled today.” Yeah, leaving today aside, the Buckeyes’ escape when a 7-4 Michigan team missed a two point conversion was almost as improbable as Auburn’s 4th and 18, 73 yard miracle touchdown pass last week to beat a 6-4 Georgia team.

-

Best shirt seen at a Notre Dame game ever. In Fighting Irish colors with a shamrock. “Play like your fake girlfriend died today.”

-

Ted Lilly, 37, has announced his retirement from MLB. “So young?” said Jamie Moyer.

-

Six Seahawks have been suspended for PED’s since 2011 (7 if you count Sherman who successfully appealed.). But Seattle isn’t worried about losing coach Carroll. The NFL won’t give him a reason to run by putting the team on probation.

-

All of these discussions about the issues with college athletes and money really distract from the important stuff on the field – like the upcoming Dr. Pepper ACC Championship….

-

3 players in the OSU-Michigan game were ejected in the first half of today’s game. Now, apparently if you get ejected before halftime, you are not suspended for the next game as well. Translation, if you are on a bowl-bound team, lose your temper early.

 

OSU guard Marcus Hall, after being ejected from the Michigan game, flipped off the crowd on his way out. It’s gestures like that the give Urban Meyer’s teams such a classy reputation.

Says Jon Nedry   “Urban does understand the importance of tradition. Soon, OSU will likely have an many arrests as Florida did.”

-

Oregon needed a TD pass in the last 29 seconds to slip by Oregon State in their “Civil War” rivalry. Maybe the moral of the Ducks’ story over the last two weeks, it is really really bad karma to diss the Rose Bowl.

-

#4 Arizona topped #6 Duke in a close game last night in men’s college basketball. This happened because the sport has playoffs and losses still mean you can win the championship. Had this been NCAA football, both the Wildcats and Blue Devils would have been playing local teachers’ colleges.

-

Kris Jenner is reportedly upset by Kim Kardashian’s “degrading” Bound 2 video with Kanye West and claims ‘Kim’s destroyed her credibility.” No worries, mom, it’s not as if she HAD any credibility.

 

-

Near Philadelphia, a fight between two female shoppers at a mall escalated into a stun-gun battle. Thinking “Black Friday” really ought to silence those who don’t believe women belong in combat once and for all.

No laughing matter?

September 11, 2013

As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.

-

My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.

-

 

McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.

-

Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs

 

What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.

 

Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.

-

USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.

 

Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.

-

Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.

 

-

 

Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…

 

-

Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?

 

-

Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.

Stuff and bother.

February 15, 2013

Silver lining department: Never have so many people been so happy to arrive in Mobile, Alabama.

-

The Carnival Triumph cruise turned into days of some booze, limited food, overflowing toilets and foul odors. In other words, a floating frat house.

-

Understatement of the year award to Gerald R. Cahill, CEO of Carnival: “We pride ourselves on providing our guests a great vacation experience. Clearly, we failed in this particular case.”

-

Kevin Youkilis, who yesterday said “I’ll always be a Red Sock”, today came out with “I’m a Yankee today, and I’m excited.” Wow! Youkilis changed positions so fast you have to wonder if he has future plans to run for office.

-

-

Rabbits have been eating the wiring of cars parked at Denver International Airport by eating spark plug cables. Parking companies are building “better” fences and adding perches for predators like hawks and eagles. Large numbers of large birds near an airport, what could possibly go wrong?

 

All this hullabaloo about Chuck Hagel, a combat veteran. Can you imagine if President Obama had nominated a draft-dodger for Secretary of Defense, you know, someone like Dick Cheney?

-

Rough weekend decisions coming up for Congressional Republicans. Do they blame Obama for the Carnival Triumph fiasco or the meteorite hitting Russia?

-

Back aboard the bus, or rather, the ship to hell-   How about songs to play in honor of the Carnival Triumph? My starter suggestions: “Slip sliding away.” “Stuck in the middle with you.” “The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia,” “Where do we go from here?” “Stuck on you,” “Smoke on the water….”

-

Reports are that Harrison Ford will once again play Han Solo in an upcoming Star Wars movie. Only this time the quote would be “I’ve got a bad feeling about this, if I could remember what it is.”

-

In his new book, “Long Shot,” Mike Piazza is now blaming Vin Scully, (Vin Scully?!) for causing Dodgers fans to boo him in his final weeks with the team. Forget steroids, the “S” that will keep Piazza from ending up a beloved Los Angeles icon is “stupid.”

 

 

From  T.C.   “American Airlines and US Airways have formally announced they plan to merge. This deal was supposed to finalize sometime in 2009, but it’s been delay after delay after delay……”

 

 

 

First Manny Ramirez, now Mark McGwire is wearing Dodger Blue as a hitting coach…. SF Giants fans are accepting apologies for all those steroid remarks Los Angeles fans made about Barry Bonds.

BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

-

Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

-

Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

-

Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

-

The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

-

Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

-

Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

-

The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

-

David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

-

Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

-

Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

-

The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

-

Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

Boring Contrived System.

January 10, 2012

Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.

If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.

-

But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.

-

Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.

-

For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.

-

Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.

-

Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”

-

Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”

-

Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?

-

For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.

-

Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)

-

After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.

-

Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.

-

Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”

-

Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.

-

Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.

-

They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.

-

A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.

-

Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 248 other followers