Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Getting what you didn’t pay for.

November 24, 2014

StubHub is not allowing sales of tickets given away for the Monday night Bills-Jets game, saying their policy is often not to allow sales of tickets the seller has obtained for free. Well, that and Stubhub doesn’t think they’ll make much money on the game anyway.

-

But meanwhile, scalpers are reportedly  asking up to $125 for “free tickets” to the Buffalo-NY game in Detroit Monday night. And Jets fans are thinking “clearly buyers haven’t seen our team play.”

-

Joey Chestnut has won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut, eating 9.5 pounds of meat off a 20 pound turkey in 10 minutes. Wonder what Chestnut then did for a main course.

 

Lindsey Graham said of the GOP-led EIGHTH Benghazi House investigation findings, “I think the report is full of crap,” A new definition of infinity might be how many investigations it would take to convince Senator Graham that the Obama administration really didn’t lie to cover up what happened.

-

#‎SF49ers‬ both won and accomplished the near impossible Sunday.   They made the Washington ‪#‎Redskins‬ look like a decent ‪#‎NFL‬ team.

-

A student organizing protests against a proposed UC Berkeley tuition hike was quoted as saying that “the public university will be more expensive than Ivy League for out-of-state students. What will be the incentive for out-of-state students to come here if it’s more expensive than a private school?” Uh, leaving football out of it, maybe if they get admitted to Cal and not an Ivy League?

-

If the Saints can beat the Ravens on MNF they will take control of the NFL South with an impressive record of 5-6.

Or there’s this tweet from @NOTSportsCenter):

NFC South Week 12 results-

Falcons: Lost to Browns
Bucs: Lost to Bears
Panthers: Lost to Bye week
Saints: Waiting till tomorrow to lose

-

Tough question of the day. If you saw both Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones and Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder both about to be set upon by a pack of starving wolves, which man would you point the wolves to first?

 

Be careful what you wish for. Stanford became bowl eligible by beating Cal yesterday in the Big Game. And could be headed to the Cactus Bowl. The #6 choice from the Pac 12 vs the #5 choice from the Big 12. In Glendale, AZ, on January 2. So their reward could be a “who-cares” game, which would require practicing all the way through the holiday season…..

-

Trader Joe’s $8.99 potted Amaryllis bulb LITERALLY grows enough that you can see a difference overnight. Are we sure that the store isn’t using something illegal and performance enhancing? ‪#‎simplepleasures‬

 

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that he is not out of touch with player Personal Conduct policies. Goodell then announced that he was suspending Bill Cosby indefinitely.

Lost Angeles?

November 10, 2014

So much for the ‪#‎Lakers‬’  perfect season.

 

And Charles Barkley’s favorite restaurants are now going “Our long national nightmare is over.”

 

Even ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans feel sorry for ‪#‎Bears‬ fans tonight. ‪#‎GBvsChi‬

-

T.C.  (from British Columbia) suggests that most Americans turned off the Packers-Bears rout at half-time. Those who didn’t, who weren’t Green Bay fans, probably thought they had accidentally turned on a replay of a SEC game vs. a nonconference opponent.

-

In a crazy world small signs of stability can be a good thing. To that end the Oakland Raiders are doing their part to be the one ‪#‎NFL‬ team that consistently sucks.

-

Mark Cuban mused that the Oklahoma Thunder at this point might be better off tanking the season in a “race to the bottom”. And the Raiders are thinking. “Well, that’s one NFL race we’ve won.”

-

Many thought the 49ers’ Aldon Smith would have his suspension reduced. This didn’t happen, reportedly because he didn’t do all his “counseling protocol.” So much for all those who say it doesn’t matter if athletes learn to go to class. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

Not sure if the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, but after the “Hail Mary” offensive pass interference penalty he drew on Jimmy Graham,  CB Perrish Cox has reportedly been offered a tryout by several professional soccer teams.

-

If football games were 58 minutes long ‪#‎Saints‬ would be midseason favorites to win ‪#‎superbowl‬. ‪#‎SFvsNO‬ ‪#‎cantfinish‬

-

Freed missionary Kenneth Bae, back in the U.S. from North Korea, said “It’s been an amazing two years, I learned a lot.” Like maybe not to lead tour groups to North Korea?

-

Arctic temperature will reach across much of the U.S. this week, with even a chance of snow in D.C. Proving some were right when they said hell would freeze over before we’d see a GOP landslide this year.

-

One last thought on last Tuesday’s election. Whatever you think of President Obama’s candidates from both parties tried to hard to distance themselves from him. voters may well have figured at least they’d go for the honest ones.

-

Label notation of the year award:  “May have been processed on equipment that was also used to process nuts.”   On a jar of peanut butter.

-

 

Are you not ready for some football?

November 4, 2014

An increasing number of ‪#‎NFL‬ teams seem to be playing like they’re auditioning for ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬

 

 

#‎NYGiants‬ new slogan? “We s*ck less than the ‪#‎NYJets‬.

 

 

Interesting matchup next Sunday. The ‪#‎SF49ers‬, who after their start are furious at now being 4-4. Against the ‪#‎Saints‬, who after their start are thrilled to be 4-4.

-

#‎NYJets‬ have a bye week. Which means that ‪#‎GenoSmith‬ will be about as productive as usual on fantasy teams.

-

A last thought about ‪#‎SF49ers‬ goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. ‪#‎whatmebitter‬

-

Carmelo Anthony says that the Knicks are over last year’s “bad energy.” So that means NY is ready to create some new bad energy.?

-

A last thought about ‪#‎SF49ers‬ goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. ‪#‎whatmebitter‬

-

Berkeley students are circulating a petition to get the university to cancel Bill Maher’s appearance at commencement. And somewhere the 1964 founders of the “Free Speech Movement” are weeping. Or they should be.

-

A couple was actually married on a Southwest flight from Nashville to Dallas this weekend. Wonder if all was well until the bride reclined her seat into his and the groom filed for divorce?

-

 

Red Lobster, which had added non-seafood items in hopes of attracting customers who didn’t like fish, is jettisoning some of those new dishes and adding more lobster. Makes sense. Because for those wanting mediocre chain food that isn’t seafood, the market is pretty saturated.

-

Governor Jerry Brown is expected to win re-election handily tomorrow, despite having barely campaigned at all. Of course, one reason Brown might be so popular as that Californians haven’t seen him nonstop campaigning and running television ads.

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  –  ” Kenyan runners Wilson Kipsang and Mary Keitany won the NYC marathon. Upon crossing the finish line, Chris Christie ordered them to shut up as he and Andrew Cuomo threw them into quarantine tents.”

Horsing around.

November 3, 2014

horse

 

As reported by the the SF Chronicle, apparently before the Giants World Series Parade the SF Police were chatting with Madison Bumgarner and along with all the congrats someone said “If there is anything we can do for you.” Madbum’s response, “Anything? Can I ride one of y’alls horses in the parade? After some discussion and risk assessment, the answer was something, well,  not exactly DURING the parade.”

 

 

Meanwhile, the #‎SF49ers‬ clearly needed ‪#‎MadBum‬

-

Small silver lining for ‪#‎49ers‬ fans? At least ‪#‎Kaepernick‬ ‘s last play wasn’t a butt fumble.

-

Saddest thing for ‪#‎NYJets‬ fans about a sad season? That win against the ‪#‎Raiders‬ may have cost them #1 draft pick.  Either that, or watching Mark Sanchez win in Philly?

-

Washington coach Jay Gruden blasted an ESPN report today that said RG III has teammates who seem to disrespect him, saying it was “amateurish.” Well, if anyone should know about amateurish, it’s the coach of the Redskins.

-

Silver lining with Stanford’s underwhelming football season. Players, coaches and fans get to celebrate New Year’s Eve at home.

-

So one might think Oregon’s rout of Stanford might propel the Ducks into the top four for a projected BCS playoff spot. Nope, they’re still behind idle Alabama. ‪#‎nopac12respect‬

-

Clocks turned back last night. Meaning hard-core ‪#‎Lakers‬ fans had another hour to not sleep.

-

Breaking news, a Kenyan has won the New York City Marathon” Wouldn’t it be more news if a Kenyan DIDN’T win the New York City Marathon?

-

Not the Onion. A Tucson pastor was woken up by police at 2am because a member of his congregation said she thought she had Ebola and her pastor had returned from Africa in September. He had been to Zambia, which is further from West Africa than San Francisco is from Washington, D.C. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

-

Yet another example of why Trader Joe’s leaves other grocery stores in the dust. Saw a package of “Iced Cranberry Orange Scone Cookies” near the checkout. Told the cashier, those sound good. She said, “They are, want to try one?” Opened a box, gave me one, and offered them to anyone in the area. Sold about five boxes of cookies on the spot.

-

 

 

Maybe there was too much hype for the ‪#‎DENvsNE‬ game? Peyton Manning might have thought he was back in the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬?

-

 

 

A new poll shows Charlie Crist 7 points ahead of Gov. Rick Scott in Florida. Wow. Might have to retire half my Florida jokes.

 

-

From Jerry Perisho:  Asked if she was going to the polls on Tuesday, Kim Kardashian said, “No, but I’m opening a new store in Warsaw, next spring.”

Issue oriented.

October 7, 2014

The NFL now has a sponsorship deal with Bose which will ban players from wearing “Beats by Dre” headphones during interviews and games. Violators will be fined. Good to know Roger Goodell and the league are taking on the tough issues.

 

Michael Phelps was suspended from USA swimming events for six months following his DUI. Many Americans were shocked. In non-Olympic years there are swimming events?

-

The conservative leaning Supreme Court Monday decided to reject requests from five states to immediately review their gay marriage bans. Maybe because now even GOP candidates told them it was a losing issue?

Michigan State’s AD is upset with the 13,000 students who bought season tickets but mostly left early when the Spartans had a 27-3 lead in a cold wet fourth quarter against Nebraska. He said changes will be made. Right. Like selling the same tickets for a lot more money to alums who will also leave early in such conditions.

-

The Jaguars apologized for their mascot mocking the Steelers’ “Terrible Towels” during yesterday’s game with a sign that said “Towels carry Ebola.” Of course the Steelers could have responded that Jacksonville was safe because the team couldn’t catch anything.

 

A nurse in Spain has contracted Ebola from two patients who returned from Africa. So will Rick Perry demand now that the U.S. stop all airline flights from Europe?

-

Madison Bumgarner inexplicably tried to a bunt to third with runners on first and second Monday, and when the throw went wide two runs scored.  Although later catcher and former high school valedictorian Buster Posey said he told him to do it.  #smartmenfoolishchoices

-

Monday was a painful day for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans. Although nice now to watch   ‪#‎BrianWilson‬ and think “no longer our circus, not our monkey.” ‪#‎Dodgers‬

-

If misery loves company ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are having a bromance over their 7th innings today. ‪#‎NLDS‬

-

According to the SF Chronicle, the principal of a private Marin County high school was arrested last weekend “after he was found in a Sacramento County motel room with large quantities of drugs and a passed-out woman roughly 30 years younger than him” Wonder how long it will take for the made-for-TV movie.

-

So I know about the Rolaids reliever award. Are the Dodgers trying to challenge the Tigers for the Arson Squad award? ‪#‎bullpenwhatbullpen‬?

 

Two men were arrested and charged with felony assault after a fight in the men’s bathroom at Levi’s Stadium before the 49ers game Sunday. Allegedly over ‘impatience for an open stall’ . Sounds like the worries over the new stadium just being filled with chardonnay swilling techies might be unfounded.

 

-

So anyone who was surprised that Buck Showalter intentionally walked the potential winning run on base in the bottom of the 9th Sunday in Detroit clearly doesn’t remember 1998, when Buck intentionally walked Barry Bonds. With the bases loaded. (He won that game too.)

Orange fever.

October 5, 2014

Game time for Giants vs. Nationals is 2:07p. So SF fans won’t have to get that sudden debilitating mystery illness at work Monday until about noon.

 

So the AL representative in ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ will be either the  Kansas City ‪#‎Royals‬ or the Baltimore ‪#‎Orioles‬. And Fox executives just threw up.

-

 

Still can’t get over all those empty seats in Nationals Park Saturday night in extra innings. It was if we were watching a Nationals game and an Expos game broke out.

-

(And okay, so it was almost midnight and getting colder.  As a veteran of the 7 plus hour Giants-Dodgers twilight doubleheader in July 1988, however, I have cred on this issue.  Scott Garrelts lost BOTH games, the second about 130a.)

-

 

On the other hand, right about now all those ‪#‎49ers‬ fans who complained about how cold it was at ‪#‎CandlestickPark‬ thinking “I take it back.” ‪#‎LevisStadium‬

-

The sunny-side of the stadium was largely empty in the second half of today’s 49ers-Chiefs game. On a brighter note, maybe the 49ers can rent out the place on weekdays as the world’s largest tanning booth?

-

Randy Moss now says of playing under Jim Harbaugh with the 49ers: “He treated us men like we were still college kids at Stanford.” Does Moss mean Harbaugh overestimated most of the team’s maturity level?

 

Saw today’s new poll of the best 25 college teams and it inexplicably left off the ‪#‎NYJets‬

-

Although  main thought watching week 5 in the ‪#‎NFL‬. This league has a lot of mediocre football teams.

-

So #11 Oregon, who beat #8 MSU by 18, is ranked below the Spartans in today’s coaches poll, and an undefeated #12 TCU is ranked below the #9 Oklahoma team they beat. Well, no one ever suggested anyone connected with college football is good with math.

-

Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders, has passed away at the age of 76. Please can someone get a comment from Sarah Palin on his death?

-

Lots of rumors that this is Jim Harbaugh’s last year with the 49ers. This morning Jed York tweeted “Jim is my coach. We are trying to win a SB, not a personality or popularity contest. Any more questions?” Well, at least York didn’t say he was behind Harbaugh 1000%.

-

Who ever thought ‪#‎Jets‬ fans would be looking back longingly to the glory days of ‪#‎MarkSanchez‬ and ‪#‎TimTebow‬?

-

 

More “Why there is no satire.” Todd Kincannon, former executive director of the South Carolina GOP tweeted yesterday. “People with Ebola in the US need to be humanely put down immediately.” And followed it with “The protocol for a positive Ebola test should be immediate humane execution and sanitization of the whole area. That will save lives.” And yes, he’s “pro-life.”

-

Joint joke with my friend Alex  Kaseberg.  “What is with all the long, bushy beards on baseball players. Have not seen this many beards since Tom Cruise was auditioning potential future wives.”

 

Making waves.

September 22, 2014

A fake ad on Twitter suggested that Apple iOS 8 users could charge their phones in the microwave. Apparently some people have tried. And somewhere Darwin is weeping.

-

 

After a long separation, Bruce and Kris Jenner have announced they are divorcing. Apparently the train wreck that has become the NFL is taking too many headlines away from the Kardashians.

-

 

So ‪#‎BruceJenner‬ and ‪#‎KrisJenner‬ are divorcing. Guess Kris finally decided for sure she wasn’t gay?

-

SF WR Anquan Boldin claimed the officiating cost the 49ers “another game” yesterday. Of course, what’s this team really needed was the refs to call the game over after three quarters.

-

A German FIFA executive says he doesn’t think the 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar. Because they’ve finally come to their senses on the heat? Or because someone is offering a FIFA a bigger bribe?.

-

 

Need to tell ‪#‎Panda‬ that salary drive year means hitting more than his weight in Sept. He’s barely hitting Lincecum’s weight ‪#‎SfGiants‬

 

-

Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti complained today that the ESPN report about the Ray Rice case was from “a majority of the sources [who] are people that work for Ray Almost everything in there is anonymous, but it’s clear from the subject matter that it’s Ray’s attorney, it’s Ray’s agent, it’s Ray’s friends.” Possibly, but one thing Bisciotti didn’t say was that anything in the report was untrue.

 

-

Sarah Palin defended her family on Facebook after the brawl earlier this month where police were called, with a post that included a picture of Bristol with a gun ‘“I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar!”
This might be the first time that “Bristol Palin” and “work” have been mentioned in the same sentence.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 248 other followers