Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Be careful what you wish for.

September 15, 2014

Before the Chargers’ game, Richard Sherman was bitching about Aaron Rodgers not throwing to receivers he covered: The Seattle CB said he “needed” the ball. SD QB Philip Rivers was 6-for-6 passing today for 60 yards while throwing to receivers Sherman was covering. ‪#‎Missionaccomplished‬.

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Many 49ers fans who drove to tonight’s home opener were stuck for hours after the game. As opposed to the team, who apparently checked out after the third quarter. ‪#‎SF49ers‬.

 

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Colin Kaepernick had an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for “inappropriate language.” Good thing fans couldn’t be heard talking to the television.

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NFL Refs missed a SF delay of game that would have negated a 49ers TD, And missed Percy Harvey stepping out of bounds on his way to what was called a Seahawks TD.  And apparently messed up on a crucial time out call that cost the Jets a TD.  So where are all those replacement guys again?

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Before today’s Dallas-Tennessee game today the Titans included the song “Fight Night” on their stadium warmup soundtrack. A song that includes the lyrics “Lil’ mamma, she keep looking at me (lil’ mama!) Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night. Hit it with the left Hit with the right Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night.”

Can’t imagine how the NFL gets the reputation for being tone deaf.

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RGIII was injured in the first quarter of the Redskins-Jaguars game. Wonder if Washington will send Jacksonville a thank you note.

 

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Greg Norman is recovering in a hospital after he nearly cut off his own hand in a chain saw accident. Apparently he had posted a picture of himself a week earlier holding that chain saw. “Time to trim the sea grapes today. Never ask someone to do something that you can do yourself.” Well, maybe not quite never.

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As a New Orleans fan,  only good thing about Browns win over the Saints. At least maybe we don’t have to hear much about Johnny Manziel this year.

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Texas Solicitor General Jonathan Mitchell has asked a federal appeals court to allow the state to enforce a “surgical standards” law that will close more than half of Texas’s abortion facilities. Mitchell says that “the vast majority of the state’s reproductive-age women will live within 150 miles” of the remaining clinics.

Wonder how Texas would feel about the vast majority of the state’s men living within 150 miles of pharmacies selling Viagra?

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The Mets are out of the postseason, the Yankees are almost out, the Giants got solidly beaten and the Jets choked. So in New York they’re wondering “When does the Knicks preseason start?”

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No comment needed. From a Baseball Hall of Fame book from 2000, with last two pages “Return to the Glory Days. The last paragraph was about 1998. “The Yankees proved that this isn’t about money, but instead about commitment, pride and joy. That is the lesson that the Yankees, McGwire and Sosa taught America- and the world – in 1998. And that is exactly what baseball fans needed to see.”

 

 

 

As of midnight, Yahoo still has a “spoiler alert” on their story about the new Miss America? Really? So they think there are people who care enough to have recorded the pageant and still don’t know the winner.

And the hits just keep on coming.

August 31, 2014

Open note to #SF49ers. You may need a DE fast, and there’s one available who’s almost certain not to hit a woman #RayMcDonald #MichaelSam

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Leaving aside the fact that domestic violence is wrong, just how stupid did the 49ers Ray MacDonald have to be? As the DE has now volunteered to be the poster child for Roger Goodell’s mea culpa.

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Meanwhile in baseball, is there some unwritten rule in 2014 that there can only be one good MLB team in the San Francisco Bay Area at a time?

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For the younger generation who never went to Disneyland in the old days, the 2014 SF Giants are defining the term “E ticket ride.”

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And for anyone who might have been nervous, no, that was Not an earthquake in San Francisco today that ground shaking was just Pablo Sandoval running out a triple.

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Baylor has unveiled a new bronze statue of Robert Griffin III. The statue is impressive, but alas expected to start breaking down in the next couple years.

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A medical marijuana farmers market in L.A. has been temporarily closed by a judge. In related news, Southern California 7-11s have slashed their orders for Doritos.

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The Indians-Royals Sunday night baseball game was suspended in the 10th inning. What’s more surprising? That umps would suspend a game that late? Or that a Cleveland-Kansas City game would be ESPN’s Sunday night choice?

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Yankees lose to Toronto Blue Jays after having a 3 run lead in the 6. The race is on to sign Derek Jeter as a postseason commentator.

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Pro-democracy activists are upset because in the 2017 election to elect Hong Kong’s leader, the powers-that-be in Beijing will approve candidates and only allow two or three on the ballot. Yes, because that is so different from the American way.

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A Colorado woman admits to texting while driving when she hit a pole that went through her car, piercing her thigh and buttocks. Talk about a well-justified pain-in-the-a**.

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Would all these critics of President Obama please tell us which war they would like him to start first?

Scoring and not scoring

August 17, 2014

Okay, so who had the #SFGiants outscoring the #49ers today?

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Did #49ers try to avoid postgame traffic mess by playing in a way to encourage fans to leave early? #LevisStadium

So will the #49ers announce their starting QB by the third game of the #NFL preseason?

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Inside Laguna Coast Wilderness Park, in Southern California, park rangers discovered a marijuana farm with about 4,000 plants. After waiting two weeks to see if the farmers returned, they chopped down the plants and hauled them away. Two weeks? That was plenty of time to make a deal with Colorado.

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A 22-year-old Texas woman told police that she stole a $3.99 bottle of wine and drank it in public so she would get arrested and be able to see her boyfriend in jail. Might we have unanimous agreement across the country that this woman should have free birth control?

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In Los Angeles, officials plan to start a pilot program that will make ballots into lottery tickets, with cash prizes of up to $50,000. Critics worry that the idea will lead to people voting for cash with no knowledge of the candidates. As opposed to voting for free with no knowledge of the candidates?

SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers seem to be playing a rotating game of “Hot Potato” with the Division title.

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Michigan natives and Olympic gold medalists Charlie White and Meryl Davis were grand marshals for Sunday’s Pure Michigan 400. But they were booed for their “Drivers, start your engines” rendition. Gosh, with all the overlap between NASCAR and ice skating fans, who saw this coming?

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A 62 year old woman who has been trying to stowaway on planes for months, and finally made it onboard a Southwest flight, was released 3 days into her 117 day jail sentence due to Los Angeles jail overcrowding. Since she’ll no doubt try to be back on a plane in a week, maybe some airline should just hire her. She’d be friendlier (and younger) than some flight attendants
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All this drama over preseason #NFL football. If it actually meant anything teams would charge regular season prices for tickets.
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Tweet of the day from an expert on the U.S. legal system. “Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted by a LIB DEM special prosecutor for doing his job. I’ve been there, done that. This is the same tactic that Vladimir Putin uses to eliminate his political opponents. Thanks, Mr. Obama.” The tweeter? Oliver North.

Understand that U.S. government spending is an issue. But still hard to fathom how many people who want spending cuts for welfare and foreign aid think that somehow the $$$ won’t count if we spend it, again, to try to stabilize Iraq.

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Finally, from T.C. “The Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks were lucky their plane landed in Denver for tonight’s preseason game vs The Broncos. Throughout the flight; the players kept chanting “Omaha, Omaha!”.

The Selig era is almost basically over.

July 19, 2014

Bud Selig is actually supposed to retire in six months. He and baseball owners want former MLB deputy commissioner Steve Greenberg to be his replacement. But Greenberg says he doesn’t want the job, though he would be honored to follow Selig, who he calls “easily baseball’s greatest commissioner since Judge Landis.” Well, wishes aside, shouldn’t that statement disqualify Greenberg by reason of insanity?

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Only 30% of Los Angeles area residents can see Dodgers games on TV due to a cable dispute. And David Rone, president of Time Warner Cable Sports, which distributes the games, says “It is unlikely that we are going to get a deal done. Suffering Midwest fans are thinking “why couldn’t this happen with the Cubs?”

 

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Anyone else think Vladimir Putin is more likely to officiate at a gay wedding than he is to determine that MH17 was shot down by pro Russian-separatists?

 

 

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The Federal Government has charged FedEx with drug trafficking for delivering illegal prescription drugs, allegedly for over a decade. What took the Government this long? Maybe they figured FedEx is taking profitable business from the post office?

 

 

Lebron James announced his return to Cleveland last week, but still hasn’t chosen if he will wear #6 or #23. How long until ESPN dedicates a special edition of Sports Center to the decision?

 

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For all those who think the SFGiants have a problem at 2nd base, it could be worse. Dan Uggla, released by the Atlanta Braves, hit .162 with 2 home runs and is still owed over $18 million.

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Red Sox GM Ben Cherington says the last-place team is not giving up on 2014 yet. And even Cubs fans are thinking “I want some of what you’re smoking.”

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CNN had Michele Bachmann commented that Hillary Clinton “should be worried” about Elizabeth Warren in 2016. Michele Bachmann as a political prognosticator? Well, maybe since Paul the Octopus is no longer with us.

 

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From Jim Barach ”  Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began in 1877. Which means at least there is something in L.A. with a longer dry spell than the one that takes the Dodgers back to 1988.”

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A Supreme Court injunction means that Utah has won at least a temporary delay in recognizing same-sex marriages. Guess the state figures if a man isn’t happy marrying a woman, he should just marry more women.

 

 

In Los Angeles, a man robbing a liquor store apparently accidentally shot and killed his accomplice. So sometimes the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is another bad guy with a gun.

 

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The NY Yankees announced there will be  a Derek Jeter retirement ceremony on Sept 7. #FarewellCaptain Except that I thought the whole 2014 season was a Jeter retirement ceremony.

 

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And finally.   Aldon Smith,  after a D.A. decided not to press charges for alleged LAX bomb threats, was sentenced Friday for possessing illegal fire arms. Along with a separate case of DUI and marijuana possession after driving and hitting a tree.

Smith got 3 years of probation, and 12 days of work crew on Mondays. Which will end before the 49ers first Monday night game.

So let this be a lesson to the youth of America. Behave yourselves. Unless you are SURE you have NFL level talent.

 

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Old dog, stupid new tricks

May 2, 2014

Who says an old man can’t have a learning experience. Donald Sterling, speaking to an interviewer about the V. Stiviano tapes: “I wish I had just paid her off.”

 

 

 

Ben Affleck has apparently been banned from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good at the game.” Well a guy’s got to be good at something….

 

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There will be 124 FBS (Division 1) college football teams in 2014. There will be 38 bowl games not counting the championship. So 76 teams will have to be chosen, and UNLV, Idaho and Penn State are ineligible….. But bank on it. some coach will whine in December that his team was overlooked.

 

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My friend Darren wanted a punchline on this “49ers exercise fifth year option on Aldon Smith per league source”

Okay,  So, what’s the difference between a troubled young man and a thug?   Talent.

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There were injuries but fortunately no fatalities today when a NY Subway train derailed today in Queens. New Yorkers were stunned, normally the only train wreck in May is the Mets.

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Sometimes no punchline can top real life: V. Stiviano’s lawyer Siamak Nehoray, on his “devastated” client. “She’s a young girl thrown in the middle of this thing, unwillingly…” Stiviano is 31.

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Here’s a serious thought on Donald Sterling. Yes, the privacy issues with the leaked tape are disturbing. But it wasn’t as if his comments seemed like an out-of-control drunken rant, or as if he had been a model citizen before. Basically Sterling has been a bad actor for years, and the NBA has just looked the other way. His taped remarks weren’t the cause of him being banned for life, they were the catalyst IMHO.

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Bruins president Cam Neely denounced fans who attacked the Canadiens’ P.K. Subban, who is black, with racial slurs on social media after Subban scored the game winning goal for Montreal over Boston last night. In related news, Donald Sterling called the Bruins to inquired about rink-side tickets.

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From T.C.  ” Ad we’d like to see:  Hey PK Subban, you just scored the winning goal of game one in double OT vs Boston – what are you going to do next? “I’m going to a LA Clippers game!!!!!”

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A 16 year old Florida girl, looking for sympathy after a breakup with her boyfriend, pretended she was kidnapped and set off an Amber Alert with a several hour search. Well, that should certainly help her future dating life, as what boy doesn’t want a girl who’s bat sh*t crazy?

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Stanford coach David Shaw, complaining about the SEC’s football schedule only having eight conference games, as opposed to most conferences who play nine. “If we’re all going to be in the same playoffs, we need to play by the same rules” And down in the SEC they’re just giggling

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Bus to hell time.   “The NY Post is reporting that Donald Sterling has cancer. “What a shame,” said nobody.”

Be careful what you wish for?

April 13, 2014

Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.

 

SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”

 

Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

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Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?

 

OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

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Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

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Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

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A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

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Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?

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Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

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Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

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Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

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A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

Who needs NSA?

January 17, 2014

Cats are watching you.

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(this, btw, is Xena. She thinks she is a better meme than Grumpy Cat.)

 

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So now that President Obama has promised to scale back the collection of phone data, how long until something else happens like the Boston bombings and Americans scream about how we should have been monitoring the perpetrators?

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And Obama today backed restrictions on the NSA collection of data. So Americans can worry less about being spied upon by their government, and go back to being spied upon by Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Target, etc…

 

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I know power is supposed to be an aphrodisiac, but anyone but me think French President Francois Hollande, in the middle of at least his second love triangle, looks kind of like a dweeb?

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Seattle vs. San Francisco on Sunday, With the two West Coast teams much of the country views this game a bit different. About 10% want the Seahawks, 10% want the 49ers, and 80% are just hoping for a full out brawl led by Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh.

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The LA Dodgers, whose payroll is already about $250 million, are now talking with Masahiro Tanaka’s agent. Even the NY Yankees are saying “Jeez, show a little restraint.”

 

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In Detroit, a 4-yr-old girl found a rifle under her grandfather’s bed and accidentally shot and killed her 4-yr-old cousin. If only the little boy had been armed.

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The more I think about it the more I think the Academy Awards snubbed Emma Thompson for an acting nomination for “Saving Mr. Banks” because a bunch of old men thought her haircut and clothes made her look ugly.

 

 

Lebron James’s birthday message “We’re connected at the hip no matter where life takes us. And happy birthday to D-Wade.” Translation, “if I get a better offer, I love you bro, but I’m out of here.”?

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The NTSB says the wrong-way Southwest pilots said that their flight computer was correct about Branson Airport, but that they “mistakenly identified” another airport as Branson when they saw its bright lights. Well, what a relief. Not like any other pilots flying to metropolitan areas in the U.S. will ever have to contend with nearby bright lights…..

 

From T.C.  “Two pilots are being held responsible for landing a Southwest Airlines plane at the wrong airport 7 miles away in Branson Missouri.  This wouldn’t have happened at United. They would have charged a fee for bussing the passengers back to the correct airport.”

And T.C. on the bus to hell.  “A retired police captain shot the guy in front of him at the movies when he refused to stop texting. The last person who got shot in a Florida theater was the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.”

 

 

 

 


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