Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Be careful what you wish for?

April 13, 2014

Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.

 

SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”

 

Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

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Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?

 

OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

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Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

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Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

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A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

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Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?

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Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

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Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

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Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

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A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

Who needs NSA?

January 17, 2014

Cats are watching you.

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(this, btw, is Xena. She thinks she is a better meme than Grumpy Cat.)

 

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So now that President Obama has promised to scale back the collection of phone data, how long until something else happens like the Boston bombings and Americans scream about how we should have been monitoring the perpetrators?

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And Obama today backed restrictions on the NSA collection of data. So Americans can worry less about being spied upon by their government, and go back to being spied upon by Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Target, etc…

 

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I know power is supposed to be an aphrodisiac, but anyone but me think French President Francois Hollande, in the middle of at least his second love triangle, looks kind of like a dweeb?

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Seattle vs. San Francisco on Sunday, With the two West Coast teams much of the country views this game a bit different. About 10% want the Seahawks, 10% want the 49ers, and 80% are just hoping for a full out brawl led by Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh.

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The LA Dodgers, whose payroll is already about $250 million, are now talking with Masahiro Tanaka’s agent. Even the NY Yankees are saying “Jeez, show a little restraint.”

 

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In Detroit, a 4-yr-old girl found a rifle under her grandfather’s bed and accidentally shot and killed her 4-yr-old cousin. If only the little boy had been armed.

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The more I think about it the more I think the Academy Awards snubbed Emma Thompson for an acting nomination for “Saving Mr. Banks” because a bunch of old men thought her haircut and clothes made her look ugly.

 

 

Lebron James’s birthday message “We’re connected at the hip no matter where life takes us. And happy birthday to D-Wade.” Translation, “if I get a better offer, I love you bro, but I’m out of here.”?

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The NTSB says the wrong-way Southwest pilots said that their flight computer was correct about Branson Airport, but that they “mistakenly identified” another airport as Branson when they saw its bright lights. Well, what a relief. Not like any other pilots flying to metropolitan areas in the U.S. will ever have to contend with nearby bright lights…..

 

From T.C.  “Two pilots are being held responsible for landing a Southwest Airlines plane at the wrong airport 7 miles away in Branson Missouri.  This wouldn’t have happened at United. They would have charged a fee for bussing the passengers back to the correct airport.”

And T.C. on the bus to hell.  “A retired police captain shot the guy in front of him at the movies when he refused to stop texting. The last person who got shot in a Florida theater was the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.”

 

 

 

 

Not open for business?

January 16, 2014

Beanie baby founder Ty Warner pleaded guilty to avoiding over $5 million on $25 million in hidden income, and got sentenced to 2 years probation and 500 hours of community service.  So let that be a lesson to other billionaires….

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J.C. Penney is closing 33 stores. Shocking. Penney’s still has stores?

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The USADA says that A-Rod’s PED regimen was “probably the most potent and sophisticated drug program developed for an athlete that we’ve ever seen.” Well if so we’ve learned one new thing about PED’s. They don’t work in October.

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While marijuana is legal in Colorado, taking it on a plane is not. So Colorado Springs airport is putting in “amnesty boxes” for passengers who forget and bring some with them. Wonder how they determine afterwards which airport officials get to, uh, destroy the evidence.

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Jim Harbaugh says he thinks that the Seahawks keeping fans with California billing addresses from buying tickets to Sunday’s game is a good idea, because you want to put your team “in the best possible position to win that you can.” Why do I get the feeling the 49ers ticket office may be getting a little call with future suggestions from their coach?

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The latest story on Jim Harbaugh is that his wife hates his pleated khakis, threw his old pairs out, and the 49ers coach bought replacements for $8 at Walmart. So maybe when Harbaugh famously asked Pete Carroll “What’s YOUR deal?” he was talking about pants?

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Tom Brady missed today’s practice with an apparent cold. Will Giselle blame the Patriots wide receivers?

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Wow. Apparently the fatal movie shooting in Florida theater happened during the PREVIEWS. Imagine if the victim had been texting during the movie itself. Would the killer have have shot up the entire theater?

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Bus to Hell time. So if texting during the previews isn’t a good reason to shoot someone in a movie theater, what DOES qualify as a good reason? Just polling my twisted readers/friends.

 

Chris Christie on Tuesday  “This administration and this Legislature will not allow the work that needs to be done to improve the people’s lives of New Jersey to be delayed for any reason.”   Well,  unless we are stuck in traffic.

 

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From Marc Ragovin:   Chris Christie is trying to move on from the bridge scandal.  But if he runs for President in ’16, I’m pretty sure his campaign theme song won’t be “Life in the Fast Lane.

All’s fair?

January 13, 2014

If you have children watch games to teach them about sportsmanship, you might want to have turned off the Panthers 49ers NFC playoff Sunday.

 

Semi-serious thought for a change  If taunting is in the NFL penalty book, then start calling it and fining players. Instead of saving the fines for stuff like wearing the wrong socks.

 

Nice show of confidence from Seattle management – restricting ticket sales to next week’s NFC championships to fans in in 6 states, not including California. You’d think if the Seahawks can handle the 49ers, their 12th man fans could handle a few hundred folks in red and gold.

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Heck, if the Seahawks are that worried about out-of-towners spoiling their game, maybe they should ask Chris Christie to coordinate local bridge traffic?

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Already controversy with the U.S. Women’s Figure Skating team, as the Olympic committee chose the 1st, 2nd and 4th place finishers at the Trials for the three spots. Guess that’s what they get for giving a guest spot to the French judge?

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A-Rod says he is showing up for Spring Training while he appeals his suspension. Thereby assuring that this year the Yankees circus starts before Opening Day.

 

Guess the Yankees should have been suspicious when A-Rod had that plastic jar of multi-colored candies labeled “Gummy Bears-ly Legal.”

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The Chargers’ Manti T’eo was knocked out of today’s game with a concussion. Wonder if they took his helmet when T’eo asked for his girlfriend.

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Biggest losers with NFL games today? Advertisers who bought time late in the fourth quarters.

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Fake punt late with a two touchdown lead. Harbaugh doing his best to assure that most people outside of California and Washington will be rooting for AFC in Super Bowl.

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Peyton Manning will have an offseason exam on his neck that will determine his future. And 29 teams who aren’t the Broncos are saying “Take care of yourself, relax, spend time with your family.”

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For all those who are convinced private industry trumps government every time, and regulations are just job-killers, maybe it’s time for a short visit to West Virginia. Just don’t drink the water.

Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

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Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

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Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

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The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

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Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

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Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

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You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

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So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

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Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

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With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

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The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

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Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

For whom the Stick tolls

December 24, 2013

Mike Tirico’s ESPN sign off after MNF tonight “What a great night to say farewell to Candlestick Park, perhaps the last game played at this great stadium.” At this great stadium? Uh, did someone check the brownies in the SF press box?

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Boise State QB Joe Southwick, dismissed from the team and sent home before the Hawaii Bowl, took a polygraph test to prove he was unfairly accused of peeing off a hotel balcony. He says he only watched others do it. (Of course, considering the probable amount of alcohol involved, is it possible Southwick just doesn’t remember?)

(and just imagine how thrilled folks were who spent a lot of money on a Hawaii vacation must have been to stay in that same hotel.)

Uh oh. Steve Martin sent out a racially offensive joke on Twitter.com Although he has apologized. Should we boycott SNL reruns? I don’t think they sell his merchandise at Cracker Barrel….

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Here’s a bipartisan simple idea for solving the whole offensive comment issue. If an ENTERTAINER says something that really offends you – don’t watch their show. And if you are really unhappy, don’t patronize their advertisers. But doesn’t living in a free country mean that people are free to be idiots?

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Former Dallas WR Michael Irvin said yesterday “I don’t know if anybody has less talent than the Dallas Cowboys, now.” And both the Houston Texans and Washington Redskins responded, “Who are we, chopped liver?”

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Lions head coach Jim Schwartz was unhappy hearing boos from the Detroit fans towards the end of yesterday’s game. Well, he probably won’t be hearing them next year.

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Junior Jerian Grant, Notre Dame’s leading men’s basketball scorer, had to leave the school and the team for the rest of the season “due to an academic manner that [he] did not handle properly.” At Kentucky they are asking “What is an “academic matter?”

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Kate Winslet named her newborn son “Bear.” Well, either she wants him to grow up and coach at Alabama, or the actress believes in full employment for child psychologists.

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According to ESPN Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo will miss the rest of the season with a back injury. Bummer. This is the equivalent of Santa giving a lump of coal to comedy writers.

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If they’re going to have challenges and instant replay in the NFL, why not allow a challenge as to whether or not a penalty should have been called. Seen way too many games this year turn on either a bad call or a bad non-call. #Missingreplacementrefs

Nerd party

November 8, 2013

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Big nerd party.  In Palo Alto.  And please note, the band is NOT on the field.  Guess they learned with the 1982 Big Game with John Elway.

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You do get the sense more than a few Stanford players got really tired of being referred to as “nice” and “soft” this week. #fearthetree

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Well, many expected the Stanford Oregon game would be a shutout at halftime. They were right.

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And before tonight, for anyone who was buying the b.s. narrative that Stanford football players are overly nice and soft, I have two words for you – “Richard Sherman.”

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The SF 49ers expect Aldon Smith to play Sunday against the Panthers, less than two weeks out of rehab and after both a DUI and being arrested on felony weapons charges earlier this year. I’m sure the fact that he is a star has NOTHING to do with it….

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The FDA is trying now eventually to remove all artificial trans fats – like shortening and margarine, out of the food supply, because they are too dangerous to people’s health. Vindication for all of us who never gave up butter!

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Steve Patterson, the new University of Texas AD, says he doesn’t expect major changes. And alums are thinking, well, we were kind of hoping the football team starts actually winning….

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Charming. Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland, the one who asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute, apparently that suggested that Jonathan Martin “punch” Incognito. And the New Orleans Saints are thinking “Hey at least we went after people who weren’t on our own team?”

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi says that Alex Rodriguez’s hearing is “complicating” things for the team this offseason. With all due respect, hasn’t A-Rod complicated things for the team since the day he arrived?

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The NY Times reports that CIA is paying AT&T more than $10 million per year for “limited access” to the company’s of phone records. Actually AT&T only was probably officially charging them $50,000 – the rest is overage charges.

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John Boehner will not bring ENDA to the House floor, because he “believes this legislation will increase frivolous litigation and cost American jobs.” Well, and if anyone is an expert on frivolity and costing American jobs, it’s the man who had Government workers stay home for 2 weeks over not voting on a spending bill..

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A California man went skydiving for the first time on his 100th birthday. Guess he wanted to wait until his great-grandchildren were old enough to cosign his liability waiver?

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From Gary Bachman  “The Chicago Cubs hired Padres bench coach Rick Renteria as their new manager. Renteria hopes this experience will someday enable him to land a job as a major league manager.”

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A new video has emerged showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in an apparent drunken rage threatening to “murder” someone and “poke his eyes out.”  This man doesn’t want to be mayor, he wants to join the Miami Dolphins.

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Roger Goodell had to be wishing for anything to change the NFL headlines this week with the Dolphins mess. So now we have Tony Dorsett along with other former stars announcing they have been diagnosed with CTE.

Not the best and the brightest.

September 22, 2013

Some discussion on whether or not Redskins should change their name. After this week D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”

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If team keeps playing like the last 2 weeks wonder how long it will take San Franciscans to ask them to change name to Santa Clara #49ers?

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But really, watching the NFC East, are we sure it’s not too late to make an exception to the NFL rule that someone has to win every division?

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Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather. Wonder if the baby will grow up to buy his/her first beer at a Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.

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At this point fans who buy tickets to see games involving the Houston Astros are just paying for the live-action version of a forfeit.

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A lot of people are just discovering you don’t bet against #AndrewLuck in the San Francisco Bay Area. #Gostanford #Cardinalrules

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The injustice of it all. How did Fox & Friends get left out of the Emmy nominations for best comedy? #Emmys

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French customs officials intercepted 1.3 TONS of cocaine in checked luggage on an Air France flight from Venezuela to Paris. This would never have happened on a U.S. airline. The smugglers wouldn’t have paid the excess baggage charges.

Looks like SF may have some competition for most disappointing sports team named Giants in 2013.

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Michigan managed to beat Akron by 4, and escaped with a 3 point win over Connecticut. Maybe they have a chance of covering next week’s spread… against “bye week.”

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ESPN is reporting that Von Miller and his urine collector tried to beat the NFL drug testing by substituting another person’s specimen. Which might have worked except someone discovered that the Broncos LB was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place. A source says there is concern the NFL may have a problem beyond Miller and the collector involved. Ya think…..

Monday mourning.

September 16, 2013

If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.

But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”

(A friend said this “punchline” is stale.  Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it.   )

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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?

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Okay, back to sports etc….

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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?

The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.

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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.

Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?

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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.

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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.

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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.

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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.

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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.

 

Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.

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From Jim Barach:  Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”

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And finally a  little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.

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Wurst joke alert.

February 28, 2013

Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.

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A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?

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Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.

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A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?

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54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.

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Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”

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Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?

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Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss  – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night?  Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.

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Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?

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As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.

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Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”

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Better line from my friend Todd Harris,  “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”

Can’t win them all.

February 5, 2013

For all those feeling inadequate because they can’t be good at everything, may I remind you that Nate Silver, after erring with his predicted Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl, regrouped to pick the 49ers to win yesterday.

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While the team got it back, reports are that the Baltimore Ravens actually lost track of the Super Bowl Trophy last night. Might be the last time John Harbaugh asks “Bro, can you watch my stuff?”

 

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Rick Santorum on allowing gays into the Boy Scouts: “Scouting may not survive this transformation of society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.” Wow. Fortunately Christianity will no doubt survive Rick Santorum.

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that NJ Gov. Chris Christie is “already hard at work” to avoid a repeat Super Bowl power outage next year. Presumably with a strong disincentive for anyone to screw up. Four words – “Concrete shoes Hudson River.”

(ot even less PC, if people screw up Christie is threatening to sit on them.)

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SF RB Frank Gore says he feels the 49ers “showed we were the better team. It was just a couple plays here, a couple plays there.” Probably the same thing the Atlanta Falcons felt a couple weeks ago.

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Las Vegas prosecutors have decided not to charge SF Giants pitcher Sergio Romo after he got into an New Year’s Day argument with TSA officials over showing his identification at the airport. Must have been a tough call, as police have so few real other problems to deal with in Las Vegas…

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John McCain told people to “lighten up” after he was accused of racism for putting a joke on Twitter joke comparing Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Shocking! John McCain knows how to tweet?

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Can’t imagine why the U.S. Post Office is losing money. Line out the door at the local branch, Monday afternoon, and their response is to close two of four windows….

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In Manhattan, a former Navy SEAL is recruiting women who are military veterans to work as nannies. Well this ought to liven up disputes at Little League and soccer games.

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Leave the non-call aside, when the 49ers got to 1st and goal at the 7 yesterday, anyone else reminded of Cal-Stanford 2009, when Jim Harbaugh’s refusal to give Toby Gerhart the ball at the Bears 13 yd line cost the Cardinal the game, and perhaps Gerhart himself the Heisman?

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Reports are that Candlestick Park will be imploded after next year’s SF 49ers season is over. Responded most MLB teams, “Only about 30 years too late.”

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A little Super Bowl sidelight. For millions and millions of Americans that potential non-call in the endzone with the 49ers driving towards a go-ahead TD was irrelevant. Had SF made it, and even gone for 2, they still wouldn’t have covered the 4 point spread.

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From Marc Ragovin, a joke for disgruntled 49ers fans:  “What is the difference between the NFL and WWE?”

“One stages sporting exhibitions with predetermined results aided by complicit referees, while the other features The Rock.”

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Jeez, Ray Lewis on that 2000 double murder ” God don’t use people who commit anything like that for His glory. If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom line truth.” So now that Lewis is retiring will he do an O.J. hunt for the real killers?

 

When the lights go down, in the city….

February 3, 2013

If San Francisco 49ers came back to win this Super Bowl would players have voted a game share to the Superdome electricians?

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They may have lost in the end but San Francisco 49ers came close enough to taking the lead in the fourth quarter that  the Baltimore Ravens almost sent a coach to see if they could pull the plug on the Superdome lights again.

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Meanwhile on Fox News wonder how long it took them to blame the power outage on Obama?

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Super Bowl XLVII is over. The Super Bowl XLVIII pregame show starts tomorrow.

 

And across America how many dads are telling their daughters, “No, you are NOT dressing as Beyonce next Halloween”?

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Jim Harbaugh’s oldest child is an assistant coach for the Baltimore Ravens. Thinking Jay is not in line this year for a warm fuzzy Valentine’s Day card from father to son..

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The 49ers were called for an illegal formation on the first play of the Super Bowl. If anyone needed proof that you can over think sports…

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Roger Goodell said this morning he would “absolutely” let his son play football. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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On “Face the Nation”, Goodell declined to confirm that there is a proven connection between the football and medical problems in retired players. Even Bud Selig is thinking “How deliberately oblivious can you be?”

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Hearing about Wayne LaPierre getting attacked on Fox News for his extreme views on guns… It’s enough to make you wonder if there should be a mental health requirement to be an NRA executive.

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John Harbaugh, taking a safety and running the clock down to 4 seconds at the end of the Super Bowl – basically telling his younger brother “Age and treachery can overcome youth and skill.”

 

At the end, all SF 49ers needed to win Super Bowl was the Stanford Band.

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New Orleans City Council Pres. Stacy Head said tonight she hoped power outage wouldn’t hurt the city’s 2018 Super Bowl bid, adding she would rather sit through a temporary power outage than watch a 3 hour game in sub-freezing temperature. Your move, Chris Christie.

 

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The logic that says you do or don’t make a call based on where you are in an NFL game makes the balk call in baseball look reasonable.

 

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All this controversy over Chuck Hagel as potential Defense secretary. Well, suppose it’s what President Obama gets for nominating a Democrat with no military experience. Uh, wait… never mind.

Where’s the tape?

January 30, 2013

SF 49ers CB Chris Culliver in a pre-Super Bowl radio interview: “I don’t do the gay guys man. No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.” Proving again, that for all the protective tape put on NFL players’ elbows and knees, sometimes where they really need it is on their mouths.

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Chris Culliver, followup statement: “The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel. It has taken me seeing them in print to realize that they are hurtful and ugly. Those discriminating feelings are truly not in my heart. Further, I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended, and I pledge to learn and grow from this experience.”

Right, and if Culliver actually wrote that Manti T’eo is online dating again.

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Another mouth in search of tape:  Or is it the humility that makes him the all-time best? Randy Moss today: “If Joe Blow would have said it, I do not know if it would have been in USA Today. Since Randy Moss said it, it is front of the sports page. Like I said, I just try to stay humble and do my job. But I do believe in my heart and my mind I am the greatest to ever do it.”

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The deer-antler spray controversy continues. And there’s a chance Ray Lewis will be the player after the Super Bowl who says “I’m going to Disneyland.”  Just in case someone keep that man away from Bambi.

 

Apparently this newly popular deer antler spray is an ancient Chinese healing method. Right, because China has produced so many Hall of Fame football players….

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Rumor has it that the NY Yankees are looking at the latest PED allegations swirling around Alex Rodriguez as a way to void his contract. Of course, A-Rod could look at his recent history with the Yankees as evidence that his performance has clearly not been enhanced.

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Jim Nabors, 82, finally married his male partner of 38 years. Well, Gollllll-y!

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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said on Super Bowl media day “A lot of time is used on the Facebooking and the Tweeter” and “my personal opinion is it’s a time drain.” So wonder how many millions have taken time to post his comments.

 

Nate Silver is now predicting a 49ers win in the Super Bowl. That same game that he predicted two weeks ago would be between the Seahawks and Patriots.

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In Mississippi, two Tea Party lawmakers want to create a permanent committee to nullify any federal laws the state does not want to follow. Okay, if Mississippi wants to be independent can the rest of the U.S. also then stop any federal money going to the state?

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that leafy greens such as lettuce, spinach and kale cause the most food-borne illnesses. And kids across the U.S. are forwarding this story to their parents saying “See!”

Oh, brother.

January 21, 2013

Harbaugh Bowl here we come.

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The story is that Joanie Harbaugh, sister to John and Jim, is the most competitive of the Harbaugh siblings. Wonder how many NFL teams will be lining up to offer her a contract.

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Actually the Super Bowl itself should be no problem. But what John and Jim Harbaugh’s parents really want to do is to hide out from the media for 13 days of interview hell.

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Well, now that the SF 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, maybe they finally can get some corporation to pony up over $300 million for naming rights for their as yet unnamed Santa Clara stadium opening in 2014.

Monte T’eo has agreed to an televised interview with Katie Couric. Did even Oprah find his potential explanations unbelievable?

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Okay, I know I personally got distracted by the Manti T’eo girlfriend issue and Lance Armstrong but watching the 49ers Falcons game have to figure the  NFL outlawed pass defense last week while we weren’t paying attention?

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Happiest football fans in the country right now: anyone who went to Vegas and bet the “over” on the 49ers-Falcons. (Which was about 49.)

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Open note to all NFL players: Yes, I understand your exuberance over a good play, but is it really necessary to dance when it’s early in the first quarter?

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It took over five hours for Novak Djokovic to beat Stanislas Wawrinka in an Australian Open match. Five hours?! That’s almost as long as the opening remarks for a Joe Biden speech.

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Although the New York Jets hired Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, they apparently have no interest in Michael Vick. Which is bad news, for comedy writers.

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Missed SNL this week, of course with Manti T’eo, Lance Armstrong, Jodie Foster’s speech, etc…felt like the entire week was an episode of SNL.

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At Newark Airport, a United Airlines employee was injured today when he was pinned between a luggage cart and a food service truck. Most travelers were shocked – United still has food trucks?

Cry me a river… Seine?

January 15, 2013

Lance Armstrong was reportedly in tears when he talked to his Livestrong staff today. So maybe he confessed, or maybe this is just the first step towards a new goal of becoming Speaker of the House.

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Lance Armstrong apparently confessed his doping to Oprah in an interview taped today at a downtown Austin hotel. Wonder if the 7-time Tour de France winner stopped on the way at a stable to close the door and look for escaped horses.

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Three straight wins for the Washington Wizards?! Quick, someone test for PEDs.

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USC has fired their head coach. Trojan fans were sorry to hear it was for men’s basketball, and not Lane Kiffin.

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Coca Cola is running a new anti-obesity ad. Isn’t that like John Boehner doing an ad on the dangers of tanning booths? Or John Edwards and Mark Sanford doing a bipartisan ad defending marriage

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Ann Romney turned down a chance to be a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.” Wonder if Ann was afraid she would hurt Mitt’s feelings if she won a national election.

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The San Francisco Police Dept. said there were 92 people ejected from the 49ers playoff game Saturday, and 25 people more arrested for public intoxication. Responded Oakland Raiders fans -”Amateurs.”

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Major League Baseball will allow interpreters on the mound this year to translate managers and coaches for their pitchers. Think maybe next the league will allow interpreters into the broadcast booth to translate Tim McCarver into less pretentious English?

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Gov. Jan Brewer says now Arizona will agree to the Medicaid expansion that is part of Obamacare, saying that if she did not accept the Medicaid funds, other states would. Of course, it’s only wasteful government spending if it doesn’t benefit me.

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A former Mafia underboss is saying that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in Detroit. Presumably somewhere that didn’t get a lot of traffic, like the Lions’ end zone.

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MLB’s rules committee may declare this year that the fake-to-third, throw-to-first pickoff move is a balk. Well, not like it caught anyone but Barry Bonds anyway.

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Since they’ve already cancelled so many NHL games why don’t they just declare the entire season at this point one big playoff and go from there?

Pipped?

November 20, 2012

Well, if the SF 49ers’  Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.

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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?

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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”

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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.

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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…

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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.

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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.

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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?

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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.

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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”

Any given away Sunday.

September 23, 2012

Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.

 

Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”

 

(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one.  Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)

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Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?

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Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.

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After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.

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Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.

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RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?

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NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.

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Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”

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#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama  November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.

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Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.

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A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?

 

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More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote.   It also included  “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question  “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)

 

Snakes on a higher plane?

May 31, 2012

Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.

 

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Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out.  In the same vein,  the Diamondbacks’  Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity.   Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career  – Four are against Lincecum.

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So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?

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Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?

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Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000″ on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”

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Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”

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This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.

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Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.

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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -”All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

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The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

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Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s
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Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

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Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.

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Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

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The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

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Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

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Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

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In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

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John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

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Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

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Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

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The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

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Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

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Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

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An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

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Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

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Cha-cha-cha changes…..

January 18, 2012

Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.

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Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”

A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.

But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.

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Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.

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Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?

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Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”

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High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.

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Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”

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n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?

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A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?

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The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.

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Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….

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More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.

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A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)


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