Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Cruz missile

March 23, 2015

Ted Cruz kicked off his campaign with an “Imagine” theme speech, channeling John Lennon, asking students at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University to “imagine a president repealing every word of Obamacare, imagine a president who finally secures the borders, imagine a president who stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel.’

Guess Cruz forgot about that second verse “Imagine there’s no countries.  It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too….”  #cantfixstupid

First Donald Trump, now Ted Cruz has joined the 2016 Republican Presidential race. Ironically, the year Ringling Brothers’ circus says they are getting rid of elephants, the elephant party is really getting into the circus business. ‪#‎clowncar‬

Ted Cruz talks about “securing the borders.” You think it might have occurred to him to secure his own domain name. (www.tedcruz.com)

When you’ve had your giggles checking out tedcruz.com, head on over to tedcruzforamerica.com (Hint to Ted, if you have aspirations of being a leader in the 21st century, might be a good thing to read up on the this internet thing.)

Let the furry thing on his head fly: When asked about Ted Cruz, Donald Trump said Cruz’s birth certificate “is a hurdle; somebody could certainly look at it very seriously. He was born in Canada. If you know and when we all studied our history lessons, you are supposed to be born in this country, so I just don’t know how the courts will rule on this.”

The NFL has announced that they will try a one-year suspension of the league blackout policy. Bad news for fans in Tampa. They now have no excuse not to watch the Bucs.

Bloomsburg University dismissed Joey Casselberry from the baseball team for sending an offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis, But today on Sportscenter,, Mo’ne said today that he should be reinstated. “Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance…. I know right now he’s really hurt, and I know how hard he worked just to get to where he is right now.”

Okay, if there wasn’t anyone already rooting for her to make it big….

 

New 49ers coach Jim Tomsula to NFL Network about Colin Kaepernick “Statistically and all that kind of stuff, people throw those out there — Colin had his best year, okay?” Hmm, is it time for the league to start checking coaches for concussions?

Two weeks ago, the SF 49ers signed WR Jerome Simpson, who the Vikings released after multiple arrests. Now they are talking to LB Erin Henderson, who was also released by Minnesota after 2 arrests including a DUI. Well, the 49ers may not make the playoffs, but they could be early favorites for a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

A judge decided that Robert Durst is a flight risk and denied him bail. This after the FBI found him registered under an assumed name in a New Orleans hotel, with a passport, birth certificate, fake Texas ID, stacks of $100 bills, a gun, bags of marijuana and a latex mask with fake hair… So what was the judge’s first clue?

All this controversy over the 25th anniversary of “Pretty Woman,” and whether it is sexist, or PC, or whatever. Can we just say, it’s a fun movie, period?    And the greatest shopping scene EVER: “Big mistake. Huge.”

Tonight the Golden State Warriors are celebrating the 40th anniversary of their only NBA championship team. 40 years!? Or as Cubs fans say, “Only yesterday.”

 

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today “I know that there is no smoking gun” that could prove the Super Bowl champions guilty in of deflating footballs. Does that also mean “and if there was such a gun, it’s been buried with Jimmy Hoffa?”

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “John McCain said that Obama should “get over” the Israeli election. Sure. Just as soon as he gets over the ’08 election.”

Beating the odds?

March 17, 2015

Hampton beat Manhattan Tuesday night in the “First Four” to get into the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Where they will play Kentucky. Sort of like winning a competition between two Christians to meet the lions.

Stanford beat UC Davis in tonight’s first round of the NIT. And yeah, it’s not exactly a great accomplishment. But but it’s a heck of a lot better than losing in the first round of the NIT. Or losing to UC Davis, anytime.  (As former Stanford football coach Walt Harris would tell you – 20-17 in 2005)

 

Pete Rose has submitted a new request to be reinstated to baseball. Rose is optimistic this time, figuring his odds are 2 to 1.

After ‪#‎ChrisBorland‬ leaving the SF 49ers, who’s next? Presumably some player who’s afraid of drowning inside the sinking ship?

Chris Borland, 24, is ending his NFL career because of worries about brain damage. Why so young? Maybe only young players still have brains working well enough to think about it.

 

The Kappa Delta Rho frat at Penn State fraternity has been suspended over allegedly having a “secret Facebook page showing mostly nude women who were ‘sleeping or passed out.'” Wonder how many people at the University are thinking “Thank God they were at least adult women”?

Passengers on a United flight from Dulles tackled and subdued a possibly drunk or drugged man who was rushing the cockpit soon after takeoff last night. United may or may not reward the passengers, but the Washington Redskins are interested in talking to the men for a tryout on defense.

 

The Secret Service said a letter mailed to the White House tested “presumptive positive” for cyanide. What was the first clue that made them suspicious? That someone actually mailed a real paper letter to the White House?

Toronto Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar apparently injured his oblique while sneezing last weekend. The SF Giants just ordered Jeremy Affeldt to start taking preventive Benadryl.

Kanye West tweeted nude pictures of Kim Kardashian when she reached 30 million Twitter followers. With all due respect are there any of those 30 million who haven’t already seen her naked?

Ryanair says their long range plans include transatlantic flights, with fares as low as1 10 pounds. (about $15 USD.) Of course the fees for boarding passes, carry-on bags, checked bags, credit card usage, oxygen masks, seat belts, seat cushions and lavatories etc will push the ticket price up several hundred dollars.

#‎StPatricksDay‬ toast: May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets. ‪#‎HappyStPatricksDay‬

So St. Patrick’s Day in America has become green beer day. Lading to March 18 being “green after too much beer day.”

House Republicans have introduced another budget with massive spending cuts and yet another proposed repeal of Obamacare. If they really want to make their point, why don’t GOP members in the House offer to give up their own expensive healthcare and shop for alternatives on the open market?

Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning his seat over allegations of improper spending, including real estate deals, and using congressional money to redecorate his office in “Downton Abbey” style. Buzzfeed had just reported he also spent $5,000 for a portable podium that looks like the current presidential podium. So clearly this is Obama’s fault.

(My friend Richard Rothschild says “Yet another example of why Illinois consistently is the No. 1 Midwest seed in the National Corruption Tournament.”)

 

 

From Marc Ragovin   “I’m not saying that Robert Durst is guilty, but he just demanded that a Las Vegas sports memorabilia dealer give him back his stuff.”

Bad seeds?

March 16, 2015

The “Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.” award for the week goes to Yale. The University is upset because they feel they were snubbed for the NIT Tournament…..

Most bracket challenges don’t close until Wednesday night. After Tuesday and Wednesday’s “First Four games.”  What a downer for four of the eight play-in teams. Not only will they not be Cinderellas, they won’t even get those millions of temporary fans who picked them for their colors, mascots, etc…

 

SF 49ers LB Chris Borland, 24, said today he is retiring after his rookie year over concerns about the long-term effects of repetitive head trauma. Maybe the standard NFL concussion worries, but perhaps Borland also feels that being part of the 49ers will result in him repeatedly banging his head against the wall?

Former SF 49er Ray McDonald, who had charges dropped against him for assaulting his fiancee in August, is now apparently going to sue a woman who accused him of sexual assault in December. (His lawyer says security video says the sex, in a hot-tub was consensual.) Just thinking, whether or not McDonald is guilty of any type of assault, he does seem to be guilty of stupidity. ‪#‎keepitzipped‬

 

Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills said in an interview “When I go down the street, I get kids coming up to me… half of them don’t even know who he (McCartney) is. That’s why he has to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember.” Hmm, wonder if “kids” come up to Heather, 47, on the street because they think she’s working on it?

He thought the mattress would stand its ground? A Florida man was killed when he tried to ride in the back of a pickup truck while sitting on an unsecured mattress and was flung onto the ground. Police reported that “an autopsy is being conducted to determine his cause of death.” How about terminal stupidity?

ESPN’s Adam Schefter just reported that QB Tim Tebow worked out today for Chip Kelly and the Eagles. ‘Oh please, oh please” said every comedy writer in America.

SI is reporting that Jameis Winston will stay home with family and friends and will not attend the NFL draft in Chicago. Did they not offer him enough crab legs?

 

The US HHS Dept says the uninsured rate of American adults fell from 20.3% five years ago before Obamacare , to 13.2%. The largest drop – 35% and over 16 million people – in four decades. The GOP no doubt used this occasion to rail against commie pinko concepts like math.

Now Jon Voight is saying that President Obama “does not love Israel.” All these people talking about the President and who he loves. It’s like we’re back to having Clinton in office.

The UK Daily Mail is reporting that Stefano Gabbana of Dolce & Gabbana, who criticized gay parents for having “synthetic children,” was quoted in an Italian newspaper in 2006 as having asked a women friend to have his baby via IVF. Wow. This guy is a big enough hypocrite you wonder if his dream is to leave the fashion world for politics.

Two former Justice Department lawyers, one from the Obama administration, one from the Bush administration, have written in a Harvard Law Review that Ted Cruz is a “natural born Citizen,” and that “an individual born to a U.S. citizen parent — whether in California or Canada or the Canal Zone — is a U.S. citizen from birth and is fully eligible to serve as President if the people so choose.”

Waiting for some in the GOP to try to add “except if that individual is born in Kenya, or Hawaii.”

Out of place.

March 13, 2015

John Madden was upset about Will Ferrell’s spring training escapades, feeling that the aging comic actor had no place on a baseball field with real players. Wait until someone tells Madden that A-Rod’s back in Yankees camp.

A meth lab was found inside a backpack in a Muncie, Indiana Wal-Mart bathroom. Police presumably are looking at surveillance videos for anyone who bought all five seasons of the “Breaking Bad” DVDs.

SF 49ers CB Chris Culliver has now signed with Washington. Now, I know Culliver has issues, but how much of a train wreck does your team have to be before the Redskins look like a better option?

 

Dear gawd. As Candlestick Park is being demolished now even more memorabilia is being sold online. Not just seats, but parking lot signs, lockers, traffic cones, and, no joke, the IV holder from the home team locker room. What’s next? Urinals?

Capital New York is reporting that Wikipedia pages about alleged police brutality, like the Eric Garner case, have been altered from NYPD computers at 1 Police Plaza. Not only are crooks stupid, but also sometimes so are the people chasing them…. ‪#‎IPaddresswhatIPaddress‬?

So keeping her emails on a private server may confirm to many Americans that Hillary Clinton is secretive, calculating and not always 100% honest. Which actually might be qualities many people want in a President.

Why there is no satire, from a new paper on “Attention decay in science” by researchers in Finland and Palo Alto, California: “The exponential growth in the number of scientific papers makes it increasingly difficult for researchers to keep track of all the publications relevant to their work. Consequently, the attention that can be devoted to individual papers, measured by their citation counts, is bound to decay rapidly”

Translation, this study has found there are too many studies.

 

 

Pablo Sandoval, in response to a former teammate calling him out over his ego on a Facebook post. “Who is Aubrey Huff?” Apparently no one ever taught the Panda, who has three World Series rings despite playing in only two of them, and who signed a $95 million contract with Boston, that no one likes a sore winner.

So two judges have ruled that the difficult question of whether Uber and Lyft are employees or independent contractors must go to juries. Great, so a difficult legal decision that will affect the livelihoods of tens of thousands of people may well be made by 12 people who aren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Univision fired talk show host Rodner Figueroa after he said that first lady Michelle Obama “looks like she’s from the cast of Planet of the Apes.” Was Figueroa angling to get a job at FOX News?

So safety Antrel Rolle signed with the Chicago Bears because of what he said was a “sign from God”, an Orbitz ad on his phone with discount fares to Chicago. Does that mean Rolle would have signed with the SF 49ers if his phone had an ad for RIngling Brothers?

St Petersburg police determined that a 25 year old man who was fatally shot on a bicycle died because a gun he was carrying in his jacket pocket accidentally went off. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Check, please.

March 12, 2015

Apparently a payment is due this month for SF 49ers fans who bought PSL’s at Levi’s Stadium. After this month writing that check has to feel like paying alimony

Will Ferrell today played for 10 teams in five games during Spring Training in Arizona, and played all nine positions. Who does he think he is? Bugs Bunny?

Now that Will Ferrell, 47, has played during Spring Training for 10 teams in the Cactus League, some wonder if he might repeat the stunt for teams in Florida’s Grapefruit League. Probably not, as Ferrell is much too young for the Yankees.

Rudy Giuliani is now blaming Obama and the “tone set by the President” for the McDonald’s brawl and the Ferguson shooting. He also said Obama should be “more like Bill Cosby.” Hey, wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s job?

Cal DE Brennan Scarlett is transferring to Stanford for his final year and will play football for the Cardinal in 2015. And apparently his car was vandalized after news of the move broke. Well, at least Scarlett wasn’t transferring between SEC rivals… he might have been shot at.

Disney has announced plans for a “Frozen 2″, albeit with no announced date for the movie’s release. Many parents are just hoping the sequel takes long enough to produce that their children will have gotten too old to want to see it again, and again, and again. ‪#‎letitgo‬

And the hits just keep on coming. Today in the Aaron Hernandez trial, the former player was shown on his own surveillance video walking in his house with what looked like a Glock gun, minutes after Odin Lloyd was shot. Now you have to wonder how Hernandez ever was smart enough to learn the Patriots’ (and Gators’) playbooks.

Jimmy Kimmel introduced President Obama as the “first Kenyan-born Muslim Socialist ever elected president.” And over at FOX they’re saying “Finally, someone in the liberal media admits it.”

Darrelle Revis said he followed his heart to return to the NY Jets from the New England Patriots. And nothing says love like $39 million of a $70 million NFL contract guaranteed.

Ah, those targeted ads. Was reading the story about the Canadian woman who was killed in Cabo when a whale breached and landed on her tour boat. And now I’m getting ads for United’s discount airfares to Cabo San Lucas.

United Airlines has sent out an email to their elite members talking about an improved Premium Cabin experience that includes “enhanced” amenity kits. Maybe the kits, in addition to the usual socks, eye shade, moisturizer etc, now include a shoe horn so you can get into your seat when you travel economy?

So the Hillary Clinton email controversy continues. But apparently she has not been the only one to combine government and personal communications. Will we next find out that John McCain used the same blanket to send both official and personal smoke signals?

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral. The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors play the course but reminds you that it’s 400 399 members have priority for times.”

Who knew?

March 10, 2015

Hottest accessory in ‪#‎NFL‬ locker rooms this preseason? Badges in team colors saying “Hi, my name is….”

How many NFL teams will be playing a new theme song?    “The Who'”s  “Who Are You?”

Jake Locker has announced his retirement from the NFL. Jake Locker was still in the NFL?

So is ‪#‎JedYork‬ trying to change the ‪#‎49ers‬ new motto from ‪#‎Winningwithclass‬ to ‪#‎Losingwithanass‬? ‪#‎sf49ers‬

 

All this controversy about a bunch of potentially embarrassing emails, and then 47 GOP senators decide to go ahead and prove you can write something absolutely embarrassing in an old-fashioned letter

The latest Hillary Clinton email scandal, that she said her email server “contains personal communications from my husband and me.” And Bill has said he has only sent two emails in his entire life, but he loves Twitter. So maybe Hillary is lying. Or maybe she’s just another woman whose husband who responds either with silence, or 140 character or less answers.

 

The Boston ‪#‎RedSox‬ have to be wondering, what will ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ say about THEM when he moves onto his next team?

A 27 year-old Central Florida woman was apparently so focused on her texting that she walked into a moving freight train.. While she sustained injuries to her right arm and leg, the woman was expected to survive. And somewhere again Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

The Wisconsin Timber Rattlers, a minor league affiliate of the Milwaukee Brewers, are introducing a new “Funnel Cake Burger” this summer. Featuring a beef patty, bacon and cheese, sandwiched between two sugar dusted funnel cakes. The price is $20, but presume it comes with a discount coupon for an EKG.

Woman on a bench outside our office, talking loudly on a iPhone speaker about her business deals. So tempting to ask her to speak up a bit so we can take notes.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for indecent exposure for sitting naked outside a Dunkin’ Donuts. She told police she did it as a dare. Well, this time it’s pretty easy to guess Florida. Sure wouldn’t happen now in Boston.

South Dakota may join Idaho, Texas, Utah and Wyoming as states with 80 MPH speed limits. Interesting enough, they’re all states you might want to drive like a bat out of hell to get out of….

 

Apparently Tri-Delta sorority members were also on that SAE party bus where they were singing the racist chant, and some may have been involved. The National Chapter of Delta Delta Delta released a statement saying “the behavior documented in the video is deplorable and is in no way consistent with Tri Delta’s ideals and core values.” Well this is a bit of a shock. Sororities have “core values?”

The 49ers, maybe not a train wreck, but a light rail wreck.

March 10, 2015

Who’d a thunk that the ‪#‎OaklandRaiders‬ might turn out to be the least dysfunctional NFL team in the SF Bay Area? ‪#‎SF49ers‬

Based on this ‪#‎SF49ers‬ off season looks like ‪#‎JedYork‬ is well on his way to becoming as popular an owner as ‪#‎DanSnyder‬

 

The 49ers’ LB Patrick Willis says he is going to retire. Well, at least he’ll be one big name SF fans won’t have to watch with another team.

 

The 49ers’ Bruce Miller has been arrested for spousal battery. If this gets much worse fans will be getting sympathy notes from Jets’ fans.

 

Alex Kaseberg: “I’ve seen rats more loyal to sinking ships than players are to the 49ers.”

 

AZ Cardinals LB Alex Okafor was arrested at 1:50 a.m. Monday morning on “suspicion of evading police.” This after Austin, TX police responded to a disturbance report, and Okafor allegedly ran from officers but was caught. Hmm, he was caught? Now we’re seeing another reason why NFL teams care about those 40 yard combine scores.

Only Monday and we may have the week’s champion: An Idaho man, Joey Patterson, 22, was wanted for a probation violation. He was found and arrested after he posted on Facebook when he announced when and where he was going to play softball. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

All of this hype on the Apple Watch. Wonder if it can tell time?

The SAE chapter at the University of Oklahoma has been shut down after members posted a racist video on the 50th anniversary of Selma. Once again, guys trying to prove that it’s an oxymoron to refer to “fraternity men.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantfixbeingassholeseither‬

Simpsons’ producer Sam Simon has passed away after a long battle with cancer. At his funeral, presume they will serve, “mmmm…donuts.”

Apparently Tim Tebow may try one more time to make an NFL roster at the veteran combine. “Attaboy!” said Brett Favre.

 

So regarding Pablo Sandoval. I think many SF Giants fans, including myself, were sympathetic to his thinking he wanted a new challenge, even if the grass didn’t turn out be as green as Fenway’s monster. But what’s surprising is the vitrol from him about his time in SF, saying he wasn’t respected just because they wouldn’t give him a big contract after a bad year, and that he doesn’t miss anyone etc.

This wasn’t a Jed York-Jim Harbaugh situation. But all Sandoval is doing is burning bridges of goodwill, and setting himself up for a rather large letdown. IMHO.

 

Serious bus to hell time. Apparently 10 people have been killed when two helicopters carrying passengers filming a reality show TV show crashed today in Argentina. Sorry, folks, they weren’t filming “The Bachelor.”

47 GOP senators sent an open letter to Iran, saying that any potential nuclear agreement negotiated by Iran and Obama come to is “a mere executive agreement.” And “the next president could revoke such an executive agreement with the stroke of a pen and future Congresses could modify the terms of the agreement at any time.”

Now, one of these elections we are going to have a Republican president again. I’m sure he or she will be thrilled to see this precedent.

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  World #1 golfer Rory McIlroy fired his caddy today and has hired a scuba diver to carry his bag.


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