Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’


November 8, 2015

A huge sinkhole has swallowed more than a dozen cars in the parking lot of a new IHOP parking lot in Meridian, Miss. Kind of hard to stand your ground when the ground won’t stand.

Adam Vinatieri, 42, kicked a 55 yard field gold to give the Colts the win today over the Broncos and Peyton Manning. Not saying Vinatieri is old, but doesn’t it seem as if he must have also kicked against teams led by Archie Manning?

The video is horrible, no question, but if you do believe people can learn and change, Ray Rice is sure at least doing a very good imitation of a man who has done both: “I used to have a situation where kids were like, ‘I wanna be like Ray Rice.’ And now I have to think about kids and parents saying, ‘I don’t want you to be like Ray Rice.’ And that haunts me.”
Former Rep. Michele Bachmann:is now saying “The Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us (Christians) to help bring in (convert) as many as we can — even among the Jews,” Wow. So does Bachmann think Ben Carson has a chance and she’s angling to be his running mate?
The buck passes here. Marco Rubio is attributing some of his personal expenses being billed to his GOP credit card – ,”because a travel agent had the credit card number — and they billed it to that card instead of the other card.” This including a Rubio family gathering of 20 rooms for three nights at a resort near Tallahassee starting the day he was sworn in as Florida House Speaker.
Uh, speaking for travel agents everywhere, leaving aside the number of hoops required to bill 20 rooms to one card, you make a mistake more than once like that with a credit card, you’re fired. ‪#‎callingBS‬

Texas Rep. Mike McCaul, confident that a bomb brought down the Russian plane, is saying that the Obama administration is in large part to blame because they haven’t done enough in the Mideast. And of course there’s no blame on a previous administration for doing too much in the Mideast…

You know if ‪#‎BenCarson‬ doesn’t want media reporting outrageous things he says maybe he could take a day off from saying outrageous things.

So the Dallas Cowboys have now lost six games in a row. So maybe Greg Hardy can get legally away with beating up and threatening a woman, but maybe also he can’t hide from that mean bitch karma.

A U.S jail escapee was arrested in Mexico after police were able to track him i because he was posting selfies on Facebook. He’s being held in a Mexican jail and is facing extradition back to… Idaho? Your move, Florida. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who was elbowed in the head by Rams DB Lamarcus Joyner today, has been diagnosed with a concussion. If the NFL really wanted to stop this sort of thing it would be simple – injure a starter with an illegal hit that gets you fined, and you are out until they can return, even if it’s a season ending injury.

Oxford, MS, for the tweet of the month, maybe the year, after the Razorbacks shred the Ole Miss defense and win 53-52 in OT –

@OxfordPolice   Asking us to kick the Arkansas QB out of the stadium is not a legit reason to dial 911. ‪#‎ARKvsMISS‬

M going to be Blue

October 17, 2015

For as rough as that game ending was in Ann Arbor,  a game-winning touchdown after a blocked punt with 10 seconds to go, Jim Harbaugh still has to be waking up tomorrow thinking “At least I’m not still coaching the 49ers.”

Jim Harbaugh probably got a sympathy tweet from Nick Saban ‪#‎MSUvsMICH‬ ‪#‎AuburnvsAlabama‬

 And here Harbaugh thought his kicking nightmares were over when he left Stanford and Jordan Williamson.

San Francisco rents are so high that one female software engineer has written about the fact that she now lives in a VW Bus. What will be even scarier is when she decides to rent half the bus out on AirBNB.

So some KC Royals fans are starting a petition to have Joe Buck removed from the ALCS because they say he is biased against their team. SF Giants fans are laughing. They know Buck is biased against any team that isn’t the Cardinals.

While the ALCS is moving to Toronto for game three, there won’t be a game on Sunday. So we won’t have the dilemma – would MLB still insist on “God Bless America?”

Jeb Bush and Donald Trump called each other “pathetic” yesterday. It was a rare time they were both right.

The Oklahoma Sooners flight to Manhattan, KS for their football game against KSU today was delayed over 8 hours. Now I know travel agents have a different perspective, but really? The DRIVE is only about 4 1/2 hours

As expected, Zack Greinke has opted out of his contract with the Dodgers.(he ONLY has 3 years and $71 million left, and wants a longer deal.)
Not sure about 5 years to any 32 year old pitcher. But SF has a record as a good home for head cases.

Mike, a combat dog that became a service animal for an Army veteran was shot and killed by a bicyclist in Wyoming who said the dog threatened him. Waiting for the NRA to say “If only the dog had been armed.”

Memphis defeated Ole Miss today to move to 6-0. Wow. Memphis has a college football team?

USC played Notre Dame‬ Saturday .    Bringing up the age-old question for many American football fans – “Can both teams lose?”

Lindsay Lohan is now saying in “In #2020 I may run for president.” And somewhere Jon Stewart is thinking “The universe REALLY doesn’t want me to retire.”

US Airways flight 1939 took off Friday night from San Francisco to Philadelphia, the last US Airways flight ever before their merger with American Airlines. Poignant night for many fliers – one less airline to blame.

TBS host Casey Stern was caught dropping an f-bomb on air after the Mets’ game 1 NLCS win over the Cubs today. Can only imagine what some of the Michigan broadcasters said away from the microphone after the end of the MSU game.

Apparently Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Lindsey Graham and Rick Santorum are all spending more money than they are getting in donations so could end up dropping out of the 2016 Presidential race soon.
With the possible exception of Paul, and maybe Huckabee, who’s donating to ANY of them?

Blowing in the wind.

August 26, 2015

Seriously, it is getting REALLY old in this country when the response is “Did you hear about the mass shooting? And the response is “Which one?”

Can we make a deal here with some of the Presidential candidates? We will considering tweaking the 14th Amendment if they will consider tweaking the 2nd.

The man who shot and killed a Virginia news crew on air has died of his self-inflicted gunshot injuries. Once again, why can’t these a**holes who plan a murder-suicide reverse the order?

#‎JoshDuggar‬ has announced he has checked into rehab. So congrats to all those who had August 26 in the pool.

Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” is now celebrating its 40th anniversary. So now they’re riding “through the mansions of glory in suicide machines” with their left blinker on.

The musical “Rent:” will return to New York City this fall for it’s 20th anniversary. Not sure of ticket prices but still might be the only Rent most young people in NY can now afford.

The Steelers have signed Michael Vick as a backup QB to Ben Rothlisberger. Wow. Dog killing and alleged rape. Where’s a good NFL bounty program when you really need one?

#‎USC‬ coach ‪#‎SteveSarkisian‬ has banned parents from practice. What, is he afraid they will make him wash his mouth out with soap?

President Obama will be in New Orleans tomorrow, near the anniversary of Katrina. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal – “I understand that your emphasis in New Orleans will – rightly – be an economic development, the temptation to stray into climate change politics should be resisted.”

Right, because no one in the city cares about weather.

Junior Gallette, released by the New Orleans Saints after two alleged domestic violence incidents, and signed by Washington, has apparently torn his Achilles tendon. Sometimes Roger Goodell has nothing on that mean bitch, karma.

Some stories almost don’t need a punchline. The NYPD is looking for officers to volunteer for their “newly formed Times Square unit,” in large part because of the increasing numbers of topless women there. Chief James O’Neil – “Times Square is an important piece of real estate in New York City. We have to pay attention to what goes on there.”

Hope the number of volunteers didn’t crash the NYPD server.

When ball hit straight in air up falls between home & pitcher’s mound for 2B hit time for ‪#‎MLB‬ to introduce a “team error” ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬

Meanwhile, SF Giants have starting shortstop (Crawford), second baseman (Panik)) both centerfielder (Pagan-Blanco) and right fielder(Pence) injured. The Chicago Cubs have been batting their pitcher 8th. With Madison Bumgarner pitching tomorrow have to figure he should bat at least 5th.

So Wednesday in Santa Clara SF 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks was charged with misdemeanor sexual battery at the same time Ray McDonald was indicted for rape. Since 2012, the Niners now have had 7 players with a NFL-high total of 12 arrests. Well, at least they lead the league in something.

Beyond borders.

August 18, 2015

So Donald Trump’s latest complaint is about H-1B visas, which he claims result in foreigners taking jobs away from minorities and women. Kind of a ballsy statement from someone who couldn’t find someone American-born for two of his three marriages.

Yes, Donald Trump seems to be doing well But not a single GOP primary vote has been cast. So all of this circus is basically based on a relatively small number of people who don’t feel like hanging up on pollsters?

The SF 49ers will lower beer prices from $10.25 to $10 this year, largely to save the time required for workers to dispense change in quarters. And then no doubt next year they will raise the price to at least $12.

The FDA has approved the world’s first pill to boost women’s libido. Is it covered in diamonds?

Apparently hackers have posted stolen data from ‪#‎AshleyMadison‬. Wonder what the objective of their plan was? ‪#‎nodivorcelawyerleftbehind‬?

So with the release of the Ashley Madison data, is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under of politicians who may suddenly resign to spend time with their families?

SF Giants have a number of pitchers on the DL, plus starting CF Pagan, LF Aoki, and 2nd baseman Panik. Now Hunter Pence is going on the DL for a strained oblique.

The team recently did a promo spoofing Full House. Maybe the House they should have been referencing was Gregory.

#‎Madbum‬ for ‪#‎SFGIants‬ DH. That is all.

(he pinch hit in the 7th, got a single, scored the Giants 2nd run in a 2-0 games.  After apparently blowing the opposing pitcher’s mind.)

Give me a break, commentators talking about the injury risk Bruce Bochy shouldn’t have taken by letting Madison Bumgarner pinch hit. Uh, as we have seen, pitchers get hurt throwing, fielding, falling down steps, falling out of bed, getting sandwiches, etc….

49ers wide receiver Jerome Simpson’s has now been suspended six game for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, his third suspension since 2012. It’s all part of the NFL’s “10 strikes and you’re out policy.”

Tom Brady will attend a second hearing on his suspension. If he can’t get the number of games reduced the Patriots QB is at least hoping for a better sketch?

Oops, now Brady will not attended the hearings in New York after talks stalled between him and the NFL. Both sides are reportedly feeling a bit deflated.

George Zimmerman is selling $50 prints of a Confederate flag painting he did at ‘Muslim free’ gun store in Florida. Where’s a hunting dentist when you really need one?

The mayor of Venice, Italy, ban children’s books featuring gay couples from local schools, sparking a social media war with Elton John, who called him “boorishly bigoted. The mayor has retweeted messages from supporters attacking Elton, like “we’re protecting our children from people like you.”

Well, I sure hope these protective parents make sure their kids NEVER see the “Lion King.”

Missing Jon already

August 7, 2015

Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.

We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.

Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?

The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?

The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.

The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.

Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.

Who won the first ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. ‪#‎ratings‬

John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?

For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”

#‎UniversityofMinnesota‬ AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. ‪#‎goldengophers‬

A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t  the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”

The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.

Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )

In Michigan.  State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.

But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” ‪#‎youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup‬

From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg,   “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”

TLC Family Values

May 22, 2015

TLC has apparently cancelled “19 Kids and Counting.”


And from the Duggar family, this direct quote from Josh’s statement. “I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

HIS life? But hey, the girls he molested, they would grow up fine with enforced future purity and “side hugs” ‪#‎sickpuppy‬


Waiting for the first owners of a small business to say it goes against their religious values to bake a cake for a Duggar family wedding. #duggars


Bus to hell moment.  Wonder if the “19 kids” in the title referred to Josh’s tally.


Some times the best quotes come from the oddest places. This is from Mama June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, whose family TLC show was canceled last fall after reports that she was dating a convicted child molester. “”I read that the Duggar family said this happening with their son brought them closer to God and each other. So they’re saying it’s ok to have family touch time? Hell no.”


Seahawks’ DE Michael Bennett says that playing for coach Pete Carroll “is like playing for Willy Wonka.” Well, except for at the end of the movie, Willy Wonka handed off the factory.

Michael Sam has signed with the CFL Alouettes and says he wants to bring a Grey Cup to Montreal. Give Sam credit, at least he knows what the Grey Cup is.


The San Francisco 49ers and San Diego Chargers first preseason game Sept 3 at Levi’s Stadium is now on Goldstar for half-price. But many fans may want to wait to see how much the teams will offer to pay them to show up.

Chris Christie now says the media owes him an apology over Bridgegate. Or what, he’ll close New Jersey Transit so they can’t get to work?

Disney World is trying to crack down on people who use selfie-sticks on rides at their theme parks. Ah, for a machine that could just randomly grab sticks while rides are in operation and throw them and their users off…


Kyrie Irving was out for Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals with left knee tendinitis. Sounds like we are getting ever closer to an NBA version of that baseball cartoon, with LeBron James channeling Bugs Bunny and playing all the positions.

LA GM Mitch Kupchak says the 2015-16 season will be Bryant’s last with the Lakers “He has indicated to me that this is it.” Kobe has one year and $25 million left on his contract. So is Bryant retiring? Or just not happy with the idea of actually being paid in future for what he is now worth.

From Marc Ragovin;  “Pete Townshend turned 70 the other day. So now instead of singing “Who Are Your?” it’s “Who Am I?”

Not going to the chapel….

May 18, 2015

Sarah Palin just announced today that her daughter Bristol’s May 23 wedding to Dakota Meyer “will not be held.” Amazed she didn’t blame the break-up on all these gay marriages.

(Or maybe someone didn’t want to make a cake for an unwed mother?)

Generalissmo Francisco Franco and the Clippers are still dead.


Lindsey Graham says he will announce his 2016 Presidential plans on June 1. As soon as he finds an appropriate closet from which to make the announcement?

The Miami Marlins fired their manager Mike Redmond and hired GM Dan Jennings for the job. Who last coached 30 years ago- and it was a high school team.. Makes some sense. The Marlins are a pretty sophomoric franchise.

That biker bar shootout in Waco alas proved once again, that as much as we may fear outside terrorists, we Americans are pretty good at killing each other.

(and if we’re going to really profile people in Texas.   Almost all those 170 mugshots were… white men.)




Charlie Weis, who was fired from both Notre Dame and Kansas, is in line to make more than $24 million from both schools AFTER he was terminated. Hmm, well, if this football thing doesn’t work out maybe Weis would be a good fit as Carly Fiorina’s campaign manager?


So I would take the defenders of religious freedom much more seriously if some of them would start defending the right of bakery owners not to make wedding cakes for ANY winners of ‪#‎TheBachelor‬ or ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬.


Some people seem to have a problem with Ruth Bader Ginsburg exercising her beliefs by performing same sex marriages. Wonder where they were when Antonin Scalia spoke at Colorado Christian University and said the separation of church and state doesn’t mean “the government cannot favor religion over non-religion…”


Justin Smith is the latest 49er to retire. Will the last SF star to leave Levi’s Stadium please turn out the lights?


Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hillatch on the Bengals’ need to get to the next round of the playoffs “It’s been four years in a row and if it doesn’t happen this year then it’s probably never going to happen.” Or maybe the team will have to change their name to the Cincinnati Cubs.

A report says the Buffalo Bills may cut QB EJ Manuel if he doesn’t improve. So sounds like another potential rider on the Jets’ clown car.

Spectacular. Mailed a small first class package from Los Altos, CA to Winter Park, FL last Monday. It got to San Francisco on Tuesday, left SF on Wednesday, and arrived into ANCHORAGE, AK on Sunday. It apparently left Anchorage today, bound for who knows where.

Who knew the U.S. Post Office was hiring former airline baggage handlers?

Two more BASE jumpers were unfortunately killed after attempting an illegal jump last weekend at Yosemite. Now, I’m not and have never been an “extreme athlete” and not even sure what the acronym “BASE” stands for. But it seems reasonable that the “S’ is for “Stupid.”

And in case you’re a regular reader and wondering, or you’ve stumbled on this blog with Google. Yep, Jerry Hough is my dad.  I learned to drive the “bus to hell” by myself. But now you probably know where I got the un-PC gene. :-)


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