Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

It’s snow joke.

January 27, 2015

Once again, NJ & NY see proof why most meteorologists are men: They always overestimate inches. ‪#‎Snowmageddon2015‬

 

Well, at least this over-hyped storm had one silver lining for New Yorkers: It cancelled the Knicks game.

And actually Juno did hit New England hard.  But So the “Blizzard of the 2015″ didn’t turn out to be quite as big a deal in New York and New Jersey as forecasters expected.  Will they rename it “Geno?”

(or “Johnny Storm?”)

As the measles outbreak spreads, have to wonder, if there was a vaccine for Ebola, how many Americans would refuse to use it?

 

Wonder how many NFL people are longing for the days when the only balls in the bathroom controversy had to do with openly gay players.

If you go by $$ per minute, Marshawn Lynch’s 4 minutes and 51 seconds on Super Bowl media day might have been one of the best paid interviews of all time. “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”  Because he probably saved fines of at least $250,000.

Former NY Giants defensive coordinator Perry Fewell, interviewed to be the 49ers defensive backs coach. But he turned SF down and took the same position with Washington. How toxic an owner do you have to be to make Dan Snyder look good?

Bus to hell time.  A Nashville jury has convicted two ex-Vanderbilt football players of raping a former student inside a dorm room. Wonder if both men now wish they’d gone to Florida State?

Sometimes all technology does is give people more power to embrace their idiocy. A 22 yr-old Texas man is in jail after he posted on FB, “So I have 16 warrants right now. Lol they know where I’m at tho, so it must not be TOO bad.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

New England CB Brandon Browner told ESPN “I’m going to tell my teammates to go hit (Sherman’s) elbow, go hit (Thomas’s) shoulder. Try to break it if you can.” But the NFL is okay with the comments, because Browner didn’t put it in terms of a bounty?

from T.C. “When Elin heard that Tom Brady was possibly cheating, she immediately sent Gisele that famous 9 iron.”

James Caan has filed for divorce from his wife for the third time in ten years. “Dude, make up your mind”, said Brett Favre.

Michelle Obama did not wear a headscarf Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where local women must cover their heads. Over at FOX News heads must have exploded as they were all no doubt ready to complain that she didn’t show respect for Muslim customs….

Over optimism?

January 15, 2015

Rex Ryan, in his introductory press conference as coach of the Buffalo Bills, told fans “it’s been 15 years” since the playoffs. “Well, get ready. We’re going.” So does Rex have a special contact to help with tickets?

 

 

 

Less than enthusiastic reaction for a potential third run: “If Mitt Romney is the answer, what is the question? And “Romney is a man of admirable personal character, but his political profile is, well, protean.” This from an editorial in that wacky leftist publication, the Wall Street Journal.

 

Actor Jeff Goldblum, 62, will become a first-time dad, as his wife, Emilie Livingston, 31, is pregnant. These things do make some sense, the baby’s feedings should coincide nicely with Goldblum’s middle of the night bathroom runs.

Why there is no satire. Ted Cruz has been named chair of the House Subcommittee on “Space, Science and Competitiveness.” Having Ted Cruz chair a Science committee is like having Bill Clinton chair a committee on Abstinence.

Oregon’s ‪#‎MarcusMariota‬ has declared for the draft. Good news for ‪#‎NFL‬ teams, and for the rest of the ‪#‎Pac12‬ .

Ah, who says the San Antonio Spurs aren’t a wild and crazy bunch. Why, they visited the White House today, and Tim Duncan showed up WITHOUT A TIE.

A South Carolina mother reported her son missing this week. She last saw him in June 1995 when he went “to follow the Grateful Dead.” Sounds like the son wasn’t the only “Dead Head” in the family.

 

Rosie Perez is out as co-host of “The View.”. Wow, “The View” is still on?

Two men have become the first in history to reach the top of El Capitan’s Dawn Wall without bolts or climbing tools. It took them over two weeks. A lot of men read this and think “Awesome.” And a lot of women think “Why?”

The SF 49ers will apparently hire defensive line coach Jim Tomsula as their new coach, over a host of other candidates including defensive coordinator Vic Fangio, who has been Tomsula’s superior. Looks like the circus is coming to town early this year.

So two questions on the 49ers hiring Jim Tomsula as head coach: How many years is the contract. And how many years into the contract will this new Jim coach until he and the team “decide to go in different directions?”

So a new marijuana spray will be on sale in Colorado this week, that claims to help women have better sex. Well, maybe, or maybe the sex stays mediocre but women then eat enough chocolate that they don’t care.

 

Alternative Monday headline “Obama blows off Cybersecurity Summit preparation for expensive and disruptive selfie opportunity in Paris.” Which is of course what Fox News would have written had the President taken Air Force One and his massive security detail to France for the Unity march this weekend.

From Marc Ragovin “Several NY TV stations are not showing the cover of the current issue of Charlie Hebdo, citing their policies of not airing material that some viewers might find offensive. And yet they continue to show Knicks’ games highlights.

Let’s hope they don’t have to lower academic standards….

January 1, 2015

Looked last night like ‪#‎TCU‬ is just a little upset about being left out of the College Football playoff…

And Wisconsin, the team that lost 59 to 0 against Ohio State just beat Auburn. Tell me again about SEC supremacy?

 

Defensive coordinator Jim Haslett is out at Washington. During his 5-year tenure, the defense has finished a collective 29th in the NFL total yards and 30th in points per game. Talk about a job opening where there’s nowhere to go but up.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who “consciously uncoupled” from Chris Martin this year, now said in an interview “there are times when I think it would have been better if we had stayed married….” Two words for Gwyneth “nobody cares.”

Ndamukong Suh won his suspension appeal for twice stepping on Aaron Rodgers by saying his feet were cold and numb, and he couldn’t tell the difference between the QB’s feet and the ground.. So while he plans this week’s excuse has someone warned Suh that Dallas has a retractable roof?

 

Rex Ryan is apparently on the 49ers interview list as a possible new head coach. So Christmas may not be over for San Francisco area comedy writers.

Jed York doesn’t think the uncertain coaching situation all season with Jim Harbaugh was a distraction. So presume the reason that the 49ers are interviewing Rex Ryan is that York thinks the team might have performed better being distracted?

In the Southern California mountains over 150 people were rescued when a snowstorm caught them in their cars. And in the East Coast and Midwest that sound you hear is giggling.

Seattle DE Michael Bennett says that QB’s aren’t treated the same as other players. “If I get knocked to the ground, the referee just steps over me and says, ‘That’s part of the game.’ If Peyton Manning falls to the ground, the referee helps him get up. I thought everybody was equal, but that’s a lie.” And in related news, Bennett has just figured out that the Pope is Catholic?

UNC says they have fired a professor after a report found fake classes allowed over 3,000 athletes to inflate their GPS from 1993-2011. (She allegedly helped women’s basketball players enroll in the “courses”) Of course I am sure none of the other current faculty and athletic department had anything to do with this scandal. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

John McCain, who was censured by the Arizona GOP last year for being “insufficiently conservative” is apparently purging Tea Party opponents from state party offices. Every once in a while McCain reminds me of why I used to like him.

In Peachtree City, Georgia a woman is in critical condition and her police chief husband is on leave after he says he accidentally shot her twice. Bringing up the question again “How do you stop a good guy with a gun?”

(As my friend Jim Barach asked ?  “ccidentally” shot her twice? I guess he thought he missed with the first accident…”)

Chick-fil-A has reported a credit card breach at some of their restaurants. Okay, the sandwiches start at $3. Who uses a credit card at Chick-fil-A?

Three people were injured outside the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Eve when winds uprooted pop-up tents outside the stadium. And Stanford and USC fans alike could unite in thanking their teams for not putting them in that position.

Idina Menzel missed some high notes during her performance of “Let it Go” on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in Times Square last night. Of course the wind chill made it 15 degrees. Who knew “Frozen” would turn out to be a documentary?

 

#‎RoseBowl‬ viewers who have never watched Oregon play before have to wonder, where do the ‪#‎Ducks‬ plug in their uniforms?

Mistakes were made.

December 30, 2014

Oops, the Detroit Free Press printed a Jim Harbaugh to UM story on their cover. Except they used a picture of JOHN Harbaugh. Well, okay, they used a photo of the wrong brother. Many Americans think in 2000 we elected the wrong brother as our President.

 

Two men were arrested today after a nearly 3 hour police chase that started when they stole San Francisco Chronicle newspaper delivery truck. Many are wondering, “What’s the value of stealing a newspaper delivery truck?” Still more are wondering “Who knew they still delivered newspapers?

The NY Jets fired coach Rex Ryan and GM John Idzik. Owner Woody Johnson said he has already reached out to potential candidates. Wonder if he called the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board). They have experience dealing with train wrecks.

Ndamukong Suh was suspended for the Lions’ playoff game for stepping on Aaron Rodgers’ leg. Suh is appealing, saying it was unintentional, and besides he knows millions of Americans were hoping he would step on Tony Romo.

Lane Kiffin, now offensive coordinator at Alabama, said he “definitely” plans on returning to the Crimson Tide for a second season. Translation, “unless I get a better offer.”

Texas A&M played West Virginia, and Oklahoma played Clemson Monday. In two of the bigger “We-expected-a-much-better-season” bowls.

The 6-10 Atlanta Falcons fired coach Mike Smith. What? After the team came only one game from making the playoffs…..

Not saying that it wasn’t time for Jim Harbaugh to move on from SF. As three years seems to be about his shelf life. But can we name a top football coach who doesn’t have a least a somewhat arrogant and irritating personality? Or any former top coach for that matter?

Bus to hell time: Reports indicate that debris from “a red and white plane” which is likely the missing Air Asia jet has been spotted.  Sad news for families, and for CNN, as the network had been hoping the plane would be lost for at least a week.

Meanwhile, over at Fox News, co-host Anna Kooiman suggested that the metric system could be to blame at Air Asia. “Even when we think about temperature, it’s Fahrenheit or Celsius, it’s kilometers or miles. You know, everything about their training could be similar, but different.” And when an FAA expert a bigger difference was foreign pilots’ greater reliance on autopilot, she responded “It’s not just a difference in the way that we measure things? Is it not as safe in that part of the world?”

Spectacular. By suing a 22 year old kid with a website, Skiplagged.com, that probably wasn’t going anywhere, United and Orbitz have taken “hidden-city ticketing” from an odd and limited strategy that only some travel agents and frequent fliers knew about, to a trending item on social media.

(Basically the idea is simple. If a nonstop flight is expensive between two cities, book a connecting flight on to a cheaper city and then get off the plane. For example, SF to Houston is expensive, so book a ticket SF via Houston to Orlando. But you can’t check bags, and if you put in your mileage number they track the no-show so you can’t get miles, and it only works one-way at a time.  For starters. Still, thanks to the lawsuit and publicity, millions of people have now been turned onto the concept.

 

C.C. Sabathia apparently came unglued at Newark Airport this past weekend when he and 11 friends, all booked in first class, showed up 15 minutes before departure for a flight to Jamaica, and United told him he had no chance to make it through security in time. On brighter notes, no arrests were made, and a lot of people who thought they had had no chance for a upgrade suddenly got lucky.

Going blue

December 29, 2014

Many SF 49ers fans were disappointed with this season, and now they won’t have Jim Harbaugh to kick around anymore. So soon the team can go back to the halcyon days of Mike Singletary and Mike Nolan.

Statement from the SF 49ers: “Jim and I have come to the conclusion that it is in our mutual best interest to move in different directions.” Well, it sounds better than “conscious uncoupling.”

There will be a lot of changes for Jim Harbaugh as he returns to the coaching ranks. For starters, at Michigan he’s going to have to figure out something warmer  (and blue-er) than his regular long-sleeved black shirt.

More than 100 people gathered in Times Square today for the eighth annual Good Riddance Day. Where attendees used a shredder and mallet to get rid of bad memories. Wonder how many showed up with NY Giants and Jets stuff?

Apparently a contributing factor, if not the reason, for Josh Gordon’s suspension, was a party Johnny Manziel threw Friday night. (Gordon was then AWOL for the team’s Saturday walk-through.) Who says Johnny Football isn’t a leader already?

 

Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam said some of the Browns’ young players have “disrespected” the team. “We’re going to work with them — hopefully they grow up. But if they can’t grow up and they can’t be responsible to the their teammates and the coaches and our great fans, then they won’t be with the Cleveland Browns.” So anyone want to take the first guess in the “Johnny Manziel trade date” pool?

This weekend police were called and arrests were made over fights in food courts at three separate malls, Arden Fair in Sacramento, Chicago Ridge Mall in Illinois and Opry Mills in Nashville. So what the heck are those food courts serving?

How up-to-date is Al-Qaeda? Their most recent magazine, released last week, called for individual jihadists to bomb Western carriers. Including United Airlines, American, Delta, and Continental.

 

Headline on Foxnews.com “Attention: Dish has blocked Fox News. Switch TV providers now. ” Hmm…. So how long until Dish starts using that headline as an ad on Msnbc.com and Huffington Post etc?

No real surprise at this point, Jeb Bush leads a new GOP presidential poll with 23%. Christie is second at 13% and Ben Carson has 7%. I think I speak for many Americans when I say about Carson – “Who?”

 

So the NFL is running their ad “Domestic violence and sexual assault are  tough for everyone to talk about” in game with Ben Rothlisberger leading Steelers into playoffs ‪#‎irony‬

From T.C.  “I just hacked into Sony Pictures computers and found a movie to be released on Monday. It’s about NFL coaching brothers Rex and Rob called “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.

What matters most.

December 8, 2014

The Browns may start Johnny Manziel at QB Sunday over Brian Hoyer against Cincinnati. Makes some sense. If Cleveland can’t make the playoffs, they’ll be at least more likely to make ESPN headlines.

 

 

William and Kate are on their first visit to New York City. Wonder if the Prince at some point has leaned over to his wife and whispered “Thank God this all isn’t our problem anymore.”

Damn. Apparently a security guard was shot and seriously wounded during an post-game argument between 49ers and Raiders fans outside a San Jose bar. Well, it’s a good thing for public safety neither team’s fans will have anything to argue about during the playoffs.

 

Well, all he did was basically show you can win a World Series with one starting pitcher.  Even if he didn’t get a hit himself.  Congrats Madison Bumgarner, Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year.

 

At time of posting, reportedly Jon Lester is deciding between offers from the Chicago Cubs and the SF Giants. Wonder if the Giants would do something dastardly, like sending Lester videos of games when the wind is blowing out at Wrigley Field?

 

34 years ago tonight was really the day “the music died”, as John Lennon was fatally shot in New York. Harder to believe for many of us, people who were born after Lennon’s murder, are old enough to have children who know the Beatles music. ‪#‎Timeswingedchariot‬

After Oakland’s upset 23-14 win over SF, Raiders LB Sio Moore took to Instagram to refer to Colin Kaepernick as a “Freakin chump.” Not a huge Kap fan, but maybe Moore should be a little more restrained with his trash talking, considering his team is still 2-11.

Not that I’m generally a soccer fan, but congratulations to the LA Galaxy on winning the MLS Cup. Guess having Robbie Rogers, who is openly gay, on the team, didn’t hurt the locker room too much.

 

A massive fire in a residential complex under construction basically shut down the 101 and 110 in Los Angeles  Monday morning. So for commuters on those freeways it was basically a Monday commute as usual.

Ralph Baer,,92, who invented the world’s first video game console, has died. In his honor, mourners at his funeral will spend the entire service playing on their smartphones.

Baylor coach Art Briles is complaining about no Big 12 team in the College Football Playoff. And five power conferences, four playoff teams was always going to be a problem. But just maybe the Bears might want to up their non-conference schedule from Buffalo, SMU and Northwestern State. (The NY Jets might be available.)

Questions and answers?

December 7, 2014

So the answer to ‘Who’s got it better than us?” is now “Even the Raiders?” ‪#‎SFvsOAK‬

 

Bright spot Sunday for Jim Harbaugh. He had to like the looks of the team he’ll probably be coaching next year. ‪#‎SFvsOAK‬

After Sunday’s shut out loss, finally an appropriate new name for D.C.s ‪#‎NFL‬ team – the Washington Trainwrecks. ‪#‎Redskins‬

TCU beat Iowa State 55-3, and fell out of the College Football Playoffs. A joint crying-towel party will no doubt be arranged for Horned Frogs fans along with fans of whichever NFL team has to go on the road to face the eventual winner of the NFL South.

Another game with last-minute heroics from Andrew Luck. Although it’s not impossible to stop him from winning a game late – just ask David Shaw. (Fiesta Bowl, 2012. No, Stanford fans aren’t bitter….)

LeBron James, on his Cavs playing tonight in front of Prince William and Kate. “The stuff that you read about, people like them are only in books growing up. And to hear that they’re coming to town to see me play and they want to see me do what I do best, it’s a huge honor.” Shocking statement to many – NBA players read books growing up?

The supposed reason the BCS has a four-team playoff instead of eight is that extending the season would interfere with studies. Yes, and they said this with a straight face.

The Times (UK) will apparently publish a full report Friday of a passenger plane in July nearly being hit by a drone at Heathrow airport. In Europe, this might lead to restrictions on buying drones in shops. In the U.S. airlines may use it to institute a “drone-avoidance” fee.

 

A Las Vegas officer fatally shot a robbery suspect Sunday morning inside the Rio Hotel and Casino after he allegedly didn’t comply with their commands and reached for his waist. In good news for police around the country, the suspect had a gun and was white.

Defeated Louisiana senator Mary Landrieu, in her concession speech, said she didn’t regret her vote for Obamacare, which the GOP attacked her on. “This is something to be proud of, and I’m glad we fought for it.” Maybe if Landrieu had been defending her votes and her President all along, the outcome might have been different.

With all the controversy about the ACA – aka Obamacare – many Americans lose sight of the fact that before this bill, most Presidents since Truman had tried and failed to enact healthcare legislation. And the GOP sure didn’t have an alternative. ‪#‎sourgrape


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