Play ball, finally.

Posted April 8, 2014 by left coast sports babe
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Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.

 

#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

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Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

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And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

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Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

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Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

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As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

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79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

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UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

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Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

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John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

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Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?

 

Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

Beyond madness.

Posted April 7, 2014 by left coast sports babe
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So one team no one much cares about vs. one team most of America hates. Made sense to play NCAA final at A T & T stadium in “North Texas.” It’s the basketball equivalent of many Dallas Cowboys game.

 

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Of course, if the BCS had been in charge of March Madness, #7 UConn would have been playing in something like the Carquest or Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

 

 

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Reporters in #Kentucky locker room will be outnumbered by agents trying to sign up their #freshmen for #NBADraft #MarchMadness

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Go figure, Stanford women can’t beat #UConn in basketball, but as my friend David Lombardi points out, the Stanford men did.

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The senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale . Florida’s largest megachurch, has resigned after confessing to cheating on his wife. Clearly this is what comes of being too tolerant of heterosexual marriage.

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A politically connected friend in Florida says Jeb Bush has decided to run for President. If true this completes the bipartisan bridge to the 20th century.

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Delta Air Lines announced they will now give free eyeshades and earplugs to economy passengers on international flights, and on flights to Europe coach passengers will receive a full-size bottle of water following their meal service. Gosh. How much will Delta need to raise fares to pay for this?

 

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So FB says they will always be free. But how long until they do the airline version of “free” As in if you don’t want your wall crammed into a tighter and tighter column, you have to pay the equivalent of an economy plus surcharge? Just askin’

 

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Bizarre thought on the death of Mickey Rooney. Had she lived, Judy Garland would only be 91.

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Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial was adjourned Monday today during his testimony, after the accused track star told the judge he was exhausted and did not sleep the night before. “I feel so sorry for him,” said few men and no women.

 

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Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told a media ethics and law class in February that it would be “great” if the Star-Ledger, NJ’s largest newspaper, went out of business, adding “I’m going to do all I can to not give them a headline to keep them alive.” Uh, Ms. Hermann, you just did.

(Must say, Julie Hermann and Chris Christie might be a sparring match I’d pay to see.)

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Yep, Gary Bachman nails this one. “Phrases you won’t hear on cable news networks: FOX–”Good news for the President”; MSNBC–”Bad news for the President”; CNN–”In other news.””

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Timberwolves forward Dante Cunningham. arrested last week for alleged domestic violence towards his live-in girlfriend, was arrested again just three days later for sending her threatening messages that police said “rose to a terroristic level.’ If true, will the charges have an enhancement for criminal stupidity?

 

 

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If you haven’t seen the Aquinas college April Fool’s joke, this is two minutes well worth taking.  Who says today’s youth isn’t creative?

 

Can you hear me now?

Posted April 7, 2014 by left coast sports babe
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So in the cellphone – wifi  -texting era, can someone explain to me why the “call to the bullpen” still takes place with a landline?

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We’ll find out Monday night if Kentucky can win their 9th NCAA men’s basketball championship. And presumably we’ll know sometime in the next year if coach John Calipari will have his third Final Four season vacated.

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Newt Gingrich, praising the Supreme Court’s lifting of donation limits, said today that even more deregulation is necessary to “overnight, equalize the middle class and the rich.” Right. Of course, Gingrich thinks he himself is just a middle class millionaire.

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Johnny Manziel’s next pre-draft visit will be to the Raiders. With all the ways the young man is setting himself up for a fall, would any of them be more damaging in the end than being a first round pick in Oakland?

 

R.I.P Mickey Rooney, age 93. A long and impressive life, lived mostly in the public eye. And to the younger generation, no, he wasn’t that old guy your parents watched on 60 Minutes.

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The latest on CNN “Did plane dodge Indonesian radar?” Folks at the network just have to be hoping that if and when they find MH370, some cruise ship goes adrift again to give them something to cover.

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Is it just me or is Facebook’s news feed getting skinnier than a super model?

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While the Knicks made it close for a while, they lost to the Heat 102-91. Ah, the potential heartbreak if this valiant 33-45 team just misses the NBA playoffs…

 

A charity hockey game was suspended Sunday in NY when players from the NYPD and the FDNY got into a bench-clearing brawl with one another. The real bummer, had the event been marketed as a brawl, attendance (and charity $$ would have probably doubled.

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At LA’s Staples Center tonight, the Clippers beat the Lakers 120-97, for their third win in four meetings this season. Wow. So how’d the Lakers manage to win that one game?

College, we hardly knew ye

Posted April 6, 2014 by left coast sports babe
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Anyone but me having problems with Kentucky players talking about how they really came together as a team during this intense four month bonding process?

 

Heck, there are celebrity mistake marriages that stay together longer than this Wildcats “team.”-

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Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari says he wants to replace “one and done” with “Succeed and Proceed.” Really? “Succeed and Proceed?” Some of his “one and dones” can’t even spell it.

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Maybe Calipari would do better to refer to his freshmen leaving for the NBA as a “conscious uncoupling?”

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It’s a dated joke but someone had to do it. The March Madness semi-final  Wisconsin Kentucky game hads more runs than a cheap pair of pantyhose.

(younger readers seeing “pantyhose,” it’s okay, you can Google it.)

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All these references to “North Texas.” Maybe it’s because those sitting in the upper levels of Cowboys stadium feel like they’re watching from the North Pole?

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Postgame chat with UConn’s star guard ends with “Shabazz Napier has helped his team get to a better place.” Because of course it’s the “Get to a better place, State Farm” sponsored interview. Can’t imagine, again, how these kids get the idea it’s all about money.

 

So with senior laden #Florida and #Wisconsin teams both losing #NCAA basketball’s status as 1 year NBA D-League is cemented.

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No alleged recruiting or other violations yet but John Calipari could be going for the permanent world record of vacated Final Four appearances.

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Yasiel Puig was in the Dodgers lineup Saturday, having made it to the park on time. I see a great potential endorsement deal ahead with Uber.

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The NBA has suspended Bucks center Larry Sanders, who is an advocate for marijuana legalization, five games for using pot. Wonder what Sanders can do with all that free time?

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The driver who put a Chicago subway train up an escalator at O’Hare airport has been fired. Well, this will simplify the answer to “Why did you leave your last job?”

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The Chinese say they have again detected a pulse in the search for MH 370. Well, that’s more than most folks do on an average day with Larry King.

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Isn’t it time that CNN replace the “Breaking News. The search for Flight 370″ banner, with “The Latest Speculation. The search for 370″?

 

 

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From my friend Jim Barach.  “180,000 eggs were stolen from a truck in Florida. Police are now posting armed guards around the clock at the home of the Miami officer who recently arrested Justin Bieber.”

Rough opening days and open mouths?

Posted April 5, 2014 by left coast sports babe
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CBS analyst and radio host Boomer Esiason has apologized to the Mets’ Daniel Murphy and his wife, for saying they should have scheduled a C-section before the season started, calling it “a flippant and insensitive remark that I sincerely regret.” Translation, “Oops, forgot women watch and listen to sports too. And I really really would like to keep my jobs here.”

 

The Mariners As game tonight was postponed due to soggy field conditions after recent rains. Well, considering the Coliseum’s recent sewage problems, have to figure players have to feel lucky the sogginess was only water.

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The SF Giants have scored more runs than any team in MLB as of today. And if you say “Just as I predicted,” you must be really good at Liar’s Dice.

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Maybe the Giants should have brought in Barry Bonds as a special hitting instructor sooner?

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And really, how amazing is this SF Giants’  team? Takes serious work to win a game 8-4 and be no-hit for the last seven innings. #SFGiants

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On the other side, Yasiel Puig was benched for the LA Dodgers home opener against the SF Giants because he showed up late for batting practice. On a brighter note for Dodgers fans, at least Puig didn’t get arrested for speeding while trying to be on time.

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James Franco, 35, says he’s “embarrassed” about his revealed conversations with a 17 yr old girl on Instagram, and added “I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky.” Uh, no, you’re just a model of being a celebrity male douchebag who’s old enough to know not to hit on teenagers.

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“Money can’t buy me love” dept.. The Dodgers signed a huge $$$ deal with Time Warner. And for now only people with TW cable can see Dodgers games. Which is about 30% of households in the Los Angeles area.

 

Sounds like the latest Fort Hood shooter was ultimately stopped by a female member of the military police. So maybe the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good gal with a gun?

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Tyson recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. So did the people who purchased nuggets expected them to be large pieces of plastic?

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Oklahoma and Texas have announced their annual college football game, which has been known as “The Red River Rivalry” will now be referred to as the “AT&T Red River Showdown.” But heaven help any players who try to sell any memorabilia from the inaugural “showdown.”

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Really, CNN, really? Today’s MH 370 headline is about plane spotters who took pictures of the plane before it disappeared, one even as recently as “a few months ago.” 

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Okay, I’m a Democrat. But regarding emails to sign petitions for stuff like ‘Send Paul Ryan a message saying you reject his budget.” Does anyone think Paul Ryan gives a rat’s a** what Democrats think of his budget?

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George W. Bush now tells a story of Putin dissing his beloved Scottish Terrier, Barney – “‘You call it a dog?’” And then when W. and Laura visited Russia, Vladimir introduces his “huge hound, obviously much bigger than a Scottish terrier, looks at me and says,’‘Bigger, stronger and faster than Barney.’” What happened to “I looked into his eyes and saw his soul?”

Not the Onion.

Posted April 3, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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British celebrity chef Nigella Lawson was reportedly barred from getting on a flight from London to Los Angeles because of her admitted past cocaine use. What, Hollywood had already hit their monthly quota of celebrity drug users?

 

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson apparently can’t enter the U.S because of her recent history with cocaine.. On a brighter note, figure there’s a good chance she’ll get a personal invitation from the Mayor to visit Toronto, Canada.

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In the first inning of today’s game in Pittsburgh, Chicago Cubs OF Junior Lake wore the wrong road jersey. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him $20,000.

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Tim Hudson, 38, had such a good first start for the SF Giants last night, he may ask his younger teammates in the clubhouse today if he can play music from some of his favorite 8-tracks.

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Cavemen awards for the week: On talk radio Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa criticized NY Mets’ second baseman Daniel Murphy’s decision to miss the first two games of the season to be with his wife for the birth of the couple’s first child. Besides, the Mets are now 0-3. Maybe they should be criticizing the players who have shown up all three games.

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Former DWTS host Brooke Burke-Charvet tweeted that she was okay after crashing her Maserati. And millions of men were thinking “Fine, but how’s the Maserati?”

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 In South Carolina, the Columbian Mammoth is finally close to being named the state fossil, after the bill stalled when a GOP Senator added two verses from the book of Genesis. The bill then passed with a compromise amendment saying the mammoth was “created on the sixth day along with the beasts of the field.” Suppose we can take it as a good sign that South Carolina actually acknowledges the existence of fossils?

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This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “Forgetting to set the clock for Daylight Saving Time may have caused a car bomber in Dublin to blow himself up. He learned the hard way about what it is like to really spring forward.”
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David Letterman has announced his retirement in 2015. Will he be replaced for ten months by Conan O’Brien?

 

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Mississippi’s governor signed the Mississippi Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which becomes law July 1. The bill says government cannot put a substantial burden on the practice of religion. So if a Muslim wants to open a store and insist all women who work and shop there wear hijabs, guess that’s going to be okay now.

 

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CNN headline today says there is a “‘Big’” announcement coming” Friday in the Malaysian Airlines plane search. Stand by for regular updates on how many hours away we are from the big announcement.

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Charles Koch said he is politically involved because he wants a “free society.”   “The central belief and fatal conceit of the current administration is that you are incapable of running your own life, but those in power are capable of running it for you.” I guess this makes sense if you believe corporations are people, but women aren’t.

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Johnny Manziel now also wants to trademark “The House That Johnny Built.” Even Richard Sherman is thinking, “Man, this kid is cocky.”

 

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Fort Hood’s commanding general on the shooter: “We have very strong evidence that he had a medical history that indicates an unstable psychiatric or psychological condition… We believe that to be the fundamental underlying causal factor.” Uh, and how about the fact that with his history this guy had easy legal access to a gun?

Budget solution?

Posted April 3, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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An idea after the latest Supreme Court decision abolishing individual limits on giving to campaigns. Since the idea with all this money is to buy politicians, why can’t states start charging sales tax on donations?

 

 

Two straight wins to open the season for the Houston Astros. How long until Mayor De Blasio gets blamed for the NY Yankees?

 

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The Phillies’ Ben Revere now owns the MLB record for 1,410 career plate appearances without a single home run. But he’s still two away from passing Duane Kuiper.

 

 

Stay classy, Arizona. Some SF fans rented the box behind home plate at last night’s Giants-D’backs game. Rather than having them show up in orange and black on TV, the Diamondbacks moved them all another box behind the dugout. Kind of makes you want some group to rent the pool, come in wearing nondescript clothes, then put on TONS of Giants stuff in the 1st inning,

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The Diamondbacks also apparently can’t keep their new $25 corn dog, dubbed the “D’bat” in stock at their concession stands. The 18 inch hot dog filled with cheddar and jalapeno, then wrapped in bacon, battered and deep fried.  And it’s been a huge seller.  Upon reading this at least 100 cardiologists made plans to move to Arizona.

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Alabama RB Altee Tenpenny has been charged with marijuana possession. Am sure coach Nick Saban will come up with some stern punishment like making Tenpenny sit through three quarters of the Tide’s game against Florida Atlantic.

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A couple will stand trial for an alleged unspecified sex act aboard an Air Canada plane this January. That’s Canada. In the U.S. the airline would probably have levied an inflight entertainment charge.

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Former S & L executive and convicted felon Charles Keating has died at 90. Suppose it would make sense for taxpayers to pay for his funeral, heck, we’ve already covered over $3 billion for his financial house of cards.

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Breaking television news “A microclimate weather alert” with rainstorms in Northern California. Rainstorms. And back east they are just giggling.

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Vladimir Putin has divorced his wife. Last year Russian leader said “It was a joint decision: we hardly see each other, each of us has our own life.” Responded Bill Clinton “And your point is?”

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These instant replay reviews are taking 2-3 minutes. Meaning that each of them takes almost as long as Mike Hargrove’s or Nomar Garciaparra’s batting box routines.

 

 

Mississippi just passed a new “religious freedom” law, similar to the one vetoed by Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona, that would allow hotels, restaurants and pharmacies to refuse to serve gays. Guess the state doesn’t think they have enough tourist business to threaten.

 

 

 


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