Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

Crushed?

March 26, 2014

Bad news for the Secret Service as three agents were sent home from Amsterdam for being intoxicated. Good news, apparently they were too drunk to find prostitutes.

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The maker of “Candy Crush Saga” saw their stock fall about 15% after the IPO today. So now it’s not just the game players who are disappointed with their level.

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The NLRB has ruled Northwestern University football players can unionize. This is what comes of letting nerds play football.

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Manhattan men’s basketball coach Steve Masiello apparently had an offer to coach the Univ. of South Florida rescinded when the school discovered that while he attended Kentucky, he lied about getting a degree. In Masiello’s defense, will he claim that not graduating will make him better able to relate to today’s college players.

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In North Korea, all men must now have the same haircut as Kim Jong Un. I guess this is the equivalent of women wearing ugly bridesmaid’s dresses to make the bride look better?

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I really hope the latest satellite images help them locate MH 370. But really, haven’t we had the “Break we’ve been waiting for” headline almost daily since the plane went missing?

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Three California State Senators are now facing criminal charges. Louisiana is sniffing “Amateurs!”

 

Yeah, if he is found guilty, Leland Yee is a nominee for hypocrite of the year. A Democratic California State Senator who favors gun control, arrested on charges that include gun trafficking. But if the charges are true, it doesn’t mean that gun control is wrong, it just means that Yee, for all the good he has done, is an idiot and an a**hole.

 

How to feel old. Hear an American Idol contestant say she was glad she remembered the words to “Rhiannon”, because she “just learned it.” Fleetwood Mac wasn’t even my favorite band, but heck, hard to graduate from high school in the late 70s without knowing the song mostly by heart.

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Now seems like there are still about 100 people missing, down from estimates of almost 200, in that awful mudslide in rural Washington but very little coverage. Think the big news networks would pay more attention if the state could come up with a conspiracy theory for why the slide happened?

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Roger Goodell says that it’s unlikely the NFL will be able to expand the playoffs in time for the 2014 season. Translation, there isn’t time to do a big $$$ TV contract.

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The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case on whether employers, for religious reasons, can deny including birth control as part of their healthcare plans. Sure hope a codicil to this ruling will cover whether employers, for religious reasons, can also deny coverage for Viagra to all men who are not married to women of childbearing age. (And that only for the time of month their wives are ovulating.)

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Am thinking that whatever that #CopenhagenZoo considers the “Circle of Life” is never going to be featured in a Disney movie.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow announced she and her husband Chris Martin are separating in a blog titled “Conscious uncoupling.”” “Conscious uncoupling?” Sounds like a description of “one-and-one” college basketball, or maybe what the IRS does with you and your money in April.

 

From Alex Kaseberg:  “Following his lap-band surgery, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, has lost 100 pounds. Or as they call that in New Jersey: dropping a Snookie.”

Tangled up in blue.

March 25, 2014

Sen. Mitch McConnell’s put out an online campaign video featuring Kentucky horse racing, bluegrass, and basketball. Except the picture was of the 2010 men’s national champions – Duke.. Ah well, geography is another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

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David Cassidy was sentenced to three months of rehab and five years probation for his 2nd DUI in six months and third in less than two years. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really really going to warn you” policy.

 

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Malaysian Airlines flight 370 is an awful story. But how many people at this point are really looking forward to the day they find the plane so CNN can go back to their regular coverage of norovirus on cruise ships?

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The Baltimore Ravens have had 3 players arrested in a month, Ray Rice for assault, WR Deonte Thompson for possession of marijuana, and OL Jah Reid for misdemeanor battery during a bar fight. On a brighter note, at least none of the arrests were for murder.

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A 9 year old Colorado girl who shaved her head, to support a friend who went bald because of cancer treatment,  was temporarily suspended for violating her school’s dress code. Really? Even in Florida the response is “Are you folks nuts?”

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Really. The Tea Party is now complaining that the new OFA “Don’t Tread on My Obamacare” bumper sticker is stealing their symbol. Because they had first stole the Gadsden flag fair and square from the American Revolution?

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Can’t wait to see who ESPN’s experts predict will win the Sweet Sixteen game between Ohio State and Kansas. Oops, never mind.

 

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The NFL is going to start penalizing goal post dunks in 2014. Well, at least this is one problem that won’t be faced by the Oakland Raiders.

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NY Knicks at LA Lakers Tuesday night on TNT. I’ll take “Games that looked good when they drew up the schedule” for $500, Alex.

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Donald Rumsfeld just said “a trained ape” would be better at foreign policy than Obama. One, says who? Two, that’s not a nice way for him to talk about his former boss.

 

The Dodgers have ended the NY Yankees’ 15 year streak of leading MLB in payroll. Now let’s see what kind of a streak L.A. can start of proving money doesn’t buy championships.  (In the 21st century, the Giants have twice as many World Series titles as the Yankees. Just sayin’)

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Investigators have decided that the reason behind Paul Walker’s crash was not a mechanical failure, but rather driving 94 MPH on city streets with a 45 MPH limit. Alas once again, the story is, “Too fast, survivors should be furious.”

 

From guest driver on the bus to hell Bill Littlejohn  “Ex-NBA player Quinton Ross was falsely reported dead on what he calls a ‘tough day’.The day could’ve been worse, though–the report could’ve been true”

 

Interesting, Jimmy Fallon just used almost this exact joke below  from yesterday. I know someone at the Tonight Show with Jay Leno used to “borrow” stuff from this blog. If you’re reading this and are from the new Tonight Show, message me. I’ll freelance officially for cheap!

Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

Oh, baby

March 24, 2014

 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting their first child together. Wonder if Mila might ask Demi Moore if she’s saved any of Ashton’s favorite toys.

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Shouldn’t Warren Buffett give at least a few thousand to those who had #Dayton #Stanford in the Sweet Sixteen? Both of them.

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Not a lot of people outside Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen. Heck, not a lot of people INSIDE Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen.

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It might be a nice gesture for #Stanford to offer #cryingKansaskid a campus tour. Maybe he’ll grow up to play for the Cardinal.

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The SF Chronicle has the same reporter regularly covering the Stanford men’s and women’s basketball teams.  (And Tom Fitzgerald’s been driving between St. Louis and Ames.)  Why do I think the paper didn’t spend a lot of time trying to figure out his potential conflict for the second NCAA tournament weekend?

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While the Dodgers swept their two-game series in Australia with the D’backs, there have already been incidents where Yasiel Puig has drawn the ire of manager Don Mattingly and teammate Adrian Gonzalez. How long in Los Angeles until we start hearing “Puigy being Puigy?”

 

Hillary Clinton admitted last night that she is weighing another presidential campaign. “I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Jimmy Carter,89, said he writes letters when it’s something sensitive as he thinks the NSA is monitoring his emails. And the NSA responded. “Wait, Jimmy Carter knows how to send emails?”

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A man was arrested Friday after ordering ten shots of Jägermeister and then punching two other patrons and setting fire to a trash can in a sports bar. You guessed, it, Florida. (If only he had been armed.)

 

The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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From Gary Bachman   “The president of Malta’s grandson gave the pope a plastic dinosaur. The only other time the pope held a plastic dinosaur was when he embraced Joan Rivers.”

Missed it by just over two Pi much

March 22, 2014

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in a March Madness game: “MSU has to match the physicality of Harvard.”

 

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Watching MSU coach Tom Izzo being interviewed after his Spartans’ escape from Harvard tonight, have to figure that more than a few straight shots will be ordered at MSU’s hotel’s bar. #Waytoocloseforcomfort

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So sad watching some of these freshman stars when their teams are knocked out of March Madness. Why, they gave their schools some of the best months of their lives.

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55 to 53. Did Dayton just beat Syracuse in a bowl game they threw in when no one was looking?

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NY Jets QB Geno Smith says that the signing of Michael Vick is “awesome.” Makes sense, no matter how rocky Smith’s next season is, he still probably won’t be the most booed QB in town.

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Says something about insurance and lawyers in this country when the Allstate “world’s worst cleaning lady” commercial has the actor pretending to fall down the stairs backwards and they need to caption it “Demonstration only, do not attempt.”

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CBS March Madness announcer Andrew Catalon apologized to Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski, who is Polish born, after Catalon described OSU’s strategy of fouling Karnowski as “Hack-a-Polack.” Proving alas that even in the modern age, you don’t need Twitter to make a public a** of yourself.

(My friend Nate Coombs suggested what he SHOULD have called the strategy  – “Whack a Pole.”)

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Go figure. The SEC didn’t win the NCAA football championship, but could win the NCAA men’s basketball championship. Hope it’s not a sign of the apocalypse?

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Miami Heat have lost 7 of 11 games.   And they’re still 9 games up on the third place team in their conference. Although, to be fair, this year if the NBA East was in college football, their winner might not even be BCS Bowl eligible.

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Kristen Bell was lambasted on Fox News for tweeting “Sorry RNC -rich people SHOULD pay higher taxes because they can afford it. End. Of. Story. xo a rich person.” What happened to defending freedom of speech? Would it help if Kristen wore camouflage?

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CNN has now brought a psychic on air for her opinion on what happened to MH370. Real shame Paul the Octopus is no longer with us. #whatsnext

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Kansas State was assessed a technical foul yesterday, when a player dunked in warm-ups 19 minutes and 58 seconds before the game started. (No dunking is allowed within 20 minutes of tip-off.) Kentucky then got two pre-game free throws. Baseball fans’ reaction: “And they make fun of the balk rule?”

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The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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A satire site, the Daily Currant, posted that Sarah Palin said maybe Malaysian Air 370 “flew too high and ended up in heaven.” Be honest, how many people saw that and thought “Well she COULD have said it.”

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

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Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

Going home.

March 20, 2014

Harvard and Cincinnati now have one thing in common. Neither of their men’s basketball teams will be attending class Friday.

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After #Marchmadness day 1 millions are rethinking their retirement plan from winning the #bracket challenge to winning #MegaMillions

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15 missed free throws by NC State in the second half.  Even though they lost, the Wolfpack can probably expect a postgame phone call from Shaquille O’Neal.

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Nate Silver had #OhioState into the Sweet Sixteen. Guess he should stick to something easy, like politics. #MarchMadness #Dayton

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Considering how much time and energy many Americans spend on their brackets have to wonder if there’s a way to turn elections into a betting game – “November Madness?”

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Manhattan-Louisville. For millions of Americans its was the struggle between the thrill of watching a potential Cinderella and the agony of potentially destroying your brackets on opening night.

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Although, before the tournament started, Louisville coach Rick Pitino was whining about unfairness, as his #4 Cardinals are matched up against the #13 Manhattan Jaspers, who are coached in a similar style by former Pitino assistant Steve Masiello. Here’s a hint Rick, if you can’t beat ANY #13 seed, maybe you don’t want to be going up in later rounds against Duke, Michigan or Wichita State.

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The government of Peru has pleaded with tourists to stop streaking at Machu Picchu. Wonder how many will now stop? And how many will now get the idea?

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At a speech at Valencia College in Orlando, President Obama gave a speech saying that helping families includes “making sure every woman gets a fair shot.” Did he really want to use the “fair shot” metaphor in Florida?

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Singapore’s New Straits Times says that Malaysian officials believe Australia and the U.S. may be withholding data that could aid the search for the missing plane. So, yep, it took a while, but it’s now Obama’s fault.

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Unclear on the concept? A N.J. man apparently tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide, by shooting himself at a hospital emergency room.

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Rand Paul, speaking at Berkeley, said the GOP “needs to either evolve, adapt or die. Remember when Domino’s Pizza finally admitted they had bad crust? Think Republican Party. Admit it; bad crust.” And Chris Christie responded “Did somebody say pizza?”

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The Washington Post says that Malaysian Air chose not to buy an upgraded “Swift” system (which costs about $10 per flight)— that would have sent data about MH flight 370′s trajectory and position even with the transponder off. Upon hearing this most major U.S. airlines, which use the system, immediately added a “tracking fee.”

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So twisted readers, listening to our better angels, we shouldn’t picket Fred Phelps Sr’s funeral. But listening to our fun angels, if you did picket, what sign would you bring?

My friend Mark suggests “The devil wants his picket signs back.”  Geoff suggests “God hates figs.”

Counting sheep, brackets, etc.

March 20, 2014

New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

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Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.

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#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA

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But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.

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Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game.  It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.

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Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.

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But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.

The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami

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NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.

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New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.

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The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.

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Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?

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Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.

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Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.

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The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.

Forever younger.

March 18, 2014

George Clooney apparently has taken his new girlfriend on a safari in Tanzania. So nice that he was able to find a tour company that offered jeeps with booster seats.

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The New Jersey teenager who moved out of the house and sued her parents for support, then moved back home, today dropped the lawsuit completely. Assuming she finds someone to put up with her, ought to be lots of fun when this young woman plans her wedding.

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The Arizona Diamondbacks have unveiled their latest concession item, a 18-inch corn dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapenos and bacon. In related news Chris Christie just asked his aides to schedule a speech for him in Phoenix.

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For all those who have that “sure thing” feel about their brackets, remember when the only question about Tiger Woods passing Jack Nicklaus for wins in PGA majors was “when?”

 

One day of play-in games down. And Albany spared millions of Americans the trouble of figuring out “Where the heck is Mount St. Mary’s?”

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President Obama has joined all of ESPN’s pundits in picking #4 seed Michigan State into the Final Four. So either the seeding committee or a whole lot of experts are going to look pretty stupid.

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The Indianapolis Colts have announced that owner Jim Irsay has voluntarily checked into a “highly respected” rehab facility. Doesn’t “voluntarily” have an asterisk if you only do it when you get caught?

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A lawsuit filed yesterday by four former college athletes accuses the NCAA and its five biggest conferences of being an “illegal cartel.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology. From cartels.

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-Four University of Georgia football players were arrested for allegedly depositing their stipend checks on smart-phone banking apps, and then  cashing the same checks at a store afterward. Let’s see, stipend checks WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM? #smartphonesstupidpeople

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Maybe we should tell #Putin he can have #Crimea if he takes Florida too?

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New Knicks President Phil Jackson said at his first new conference that he looks forward to delivering a winner to New York. Well that’s guaranteed. Won’t the Knicks in 2014-15 have home games against the Pacers, Heat and Thunder?

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In Houston, a 27 year-old firefighter who had been partying on St Patrick’s Day tried to enter his neighbor’s house by mistake last night. The 64-year old woman, thinking he was an intruder, shot and killed him. If only the poor man had been armed.

 

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From Alex Kaseberg  Now that Courtney Love has claimed she has found Malaysian flight 370, shouldn’t we put her to work finding Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and the Los Angeles Lakers’ offence?

Day of the Dead?

March 18, 2014

Forget November 1.  Isn’t the day after St. Patrick’s Day in the USA really the Day of the Dead?

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And yes, now that it’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day we get to see the true green of the holiday – the color that many people are this morning after maybe just a few whiskey and beers Monday night.

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So the biggest foreign holidays that Americans like to celebrate (St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo) both involve heavy drinking. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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Another day, another snowstorm in D.C. Maybe some in the GOP shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before Obamacare was actually the law of the land.

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Has anyone asked #SarahPalin about the #MalaysiaAirlines plane? Maybe she can see it from her house? 

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Rush Limbaugh on the Malaysian plane “Folks, I can’t handle the media on this. I literally cannot. It’s all “such a show.” And if anyone knows about “such a show,” it’s Rush Limbaugh.

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Seriously, one of the problems with all the Malaysian Airlines theories. If someone had put any of them into a potential screenplay it would have been rejected as too implausible.

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Former four-term Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards, who spent 8 years in prison for corruption will run for the House of Representatives. Spectacular! A candidate who’s done his prison time before he gets to Congress.
(And the extra-fun twist to this story is that a felony conviction makes Edwards ineligible to run for a federal office, but not a state one.)

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Chris Brown is in jail after being ejected from two rehab programs in the last five months. Although he may be free on April 23. This is all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “twenty-seven strikes and you’re really out” program.
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Some at Villanova think the Philadelphia school should have had a #1 seed. On the brighter side, the Wildcats’ #2 seed is probably higher than the 76ers would have had.
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No one gives Stanford a chance against New Mexico on Friday. Especially as the Lobos haven’t lost in the NCAA tournament to a over-achieving nerd team since March of 2013.
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Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay was arrested for drunk driving last night. Guess it’s not just millionaire dumb jocks who need the lesson to just get a driver.

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Just thinking, if being an “activist” against the current regime and wearing a “Democracy is Dead” t-shirt is enough to put the Malaysia Air pilot under suspension, darn good thing no plane I was on disappeared when George W. Bush was president.
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From Alex Kaseberg:  “Los Angeles had an earthquake. It was pretty bad, at the Los Angeles Lakers practice, it actually shook a ball into the basket.”

Brackets, brackets, who’s got brackets?

March 16, 2014

Selection Sunday for March Madness. That glorious time of year when your heart can be broken by a team you didn’t know existed a few days ago.

 

St Patrick’s Day is Monday.. So wonder how many Americans will end up blaming their bracket mistakes on too much green beer?

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Selection Sunday! Where beyond the #1 seeds, the biggest drama is which bubble teams will complain bitterly that they just missed a #16 seed...

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There was a televised NIT selection show Sunday night. And if you knew that, you are probably just a bit over obsessed with brackets.

And if you watched the show and aren’t related to someone connected to an NIT team, you are probably more than a bit over obsessed.. (No, I didn’t watch, but saw it while flipping Direct TV channels on a plane.)

And if you are upset that your favorite team fell just short of the NIT tournament… well….

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Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Sr. is reportedly near death. “What a shame” said absolutely positively nobody.

 

 

President Obama says the U.S. will not recognize the Crimean election. Will Putin counter that Russia allowed election observers sent by Kim Jong-Un?

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John McCain today – “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.” Guessing this eliminates all chance of the Senator being seated next to Vladimir Putin at a future White House state dinner.

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United announcement on plane today:  ,”If San Francisco is not your final destination please come forward so we can get you on the correct plane.” No takers but uh, shouldn’t your boarding pass readers have caught that?

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A new Republican CNN poll shows the leader for the 2016 Presidential nomination is… Rand Paul?!. Which means somewhere Hillary Clinton might be starting her St. Patrick’s Day toasting early!

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In Palm Coast, Florida, an man drinking at a resort bar left and returned later in the evening dressed as Rambo, carrying an assault rifle and two hunting knifes. Two other bar patrons were able to subdue him and grab the gun, sustaining only minor knife injuries in the process. And the Rambo wanna-be is in custody. Your move, Arizona.

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Reality television star Kristin Cavallari says she will not get her son vaccinated because she’s “read too many books.” Shocking. Kristin reads books?

Public and private.

March 15, 2014

Mark Zuckerberg apparently has called President Obama to complain about the U.S. government’s surveillance program. Guess he believes collecting personal data on Americans should be left to the private sector.

 

John McCain said today that the USA providing long-term military assistance to Ukraine is “”the right and decent thing to do.” With all due respect, is there any trouble spot in the world where John McCain doesn’t think providing military assistance is the right thing to do?

 

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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $400 million. The scary thing, as improbable as winning is, the odds are still better than for Warren Buffet’s $1 billion bracket challenge.

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Always seems a bit odd when they introduce NBA players as being from a certain university. When they were at said school for maybe a semester and a half.

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This tells you all you need to know about the NBA Eastern Conference: The Cleveland Cavaliers, 26-40, are only 3 1/2 games out of a playoff spot.

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Hell Freezing Over moment for the week. An athlete being honest about dollars: Steve Nash, responding to those who think he should walk away from the NBA ““The reality is, I’m not going to retire because I want the money.”

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Richard Sherman is now engaged in a Twitter battle with various other cornerbacks. Hard to imagine in retrospect him and Jim Harbaugh in the same locker room…. even harder to imagine anyone else at Stanford getting a word in edgewise.

 

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At this point there are more theories on what happened to that Malaysian plane than there are permutations for filling out March Madness brackets.

 

 

And I’m a “when you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras” kind of gal. But with this Malaysian Airlines plane story we’re running out of potential explanations that aren’t zebras.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf
Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered?

March 14, 2014

Sarah Palin is selling her ‘One Nation Tour’ bus for $279,000. Buyer beware – it’s a nice-looking rig, but apparently tends to stop halfway through a trip.

 

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The San Francisco 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Now if they draft Michael Sam, coach Jim Harbaugh can pretty much guarantee all the reporters in training camp won’t be there to ask Colin Kaepernick about his disappointing performance in the 2013 playoffs.

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Geek jokes: In Colorado and Washington,will Saturday be national Pi day?

 

Regarding that billion dollar prize for picking the winners of every March Madness game, the odds of getting it right are apparently 1 in 9 quintillion Yes, curiously enough the same odds of the Cubs winning the World Series.

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A bride and groom heading to their honeymoon in Costa Rica got into a drunken fight on a Delta flight. It got bad enough that the pilot made an emergency landing on Grand Cayman, where the groom was taken into custody. The bride flew on to Costa Rica. Hoping their wedding guests have saved receipts for those presents.

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The San Francisco 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Now if they draft Michael Sam, coach Jim Harbaugh can pretty much guarantee all the reporters in training camp won’t be there to ask Colin Kaepernick about his disappointing performance in the 2013 playoffs.

 

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Scott Brown announced he is thinking of running for the Senate race in New Hampshire against Jeanne Shaheen. Democratic speechwriters are calling GOP speechwriters to see if they can buy and recycle their Hilary Clinton carpetbagger jokes.

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The latest theory about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 – that it could have landed on a remote Indian Ocean island. Whatever the final answer turns out to be, this whole situation has to be a major source of inspiration for novelists and screenwriters.

 

Apparently Phil Jackson is close to signing a deal to become president of the New York Knicks. Does his contract include Hazmat pay for attempting to clean up a toxic mess?

 

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Bus to hell moment:  Darn shame Blockbuster is out of business. If one of those Malaysian Airlines passengers had an overdue movie they’d have found them by now.

Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

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Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?

 

 

A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

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Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

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Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

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Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

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A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

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United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

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Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….

 

 

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Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”

 

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?

 

Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….

 

(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)

 

Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?

 

 

This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”

Details, details.

March 13, 2014

Who says ESPN doesn’t pay enough attention to baseball.

bonds

 

Apparently the first week of Daylight Savings time is one of low productivity for Americans. And then next week starts March Madness. Guess we need to write off the month.

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Mount St. Mary’s has reached the NCAA March Madness after going 16-16. But to be fair, in the NBA Eastern Conference, with that kind of record, the Mountaineers would probably be a #3 seed.

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Chris Christie has ordered Tesla to close their direct sales offices in New Jersey, and only sell through franchised car dealerships. What happened to that conservative love of free market competition?

(a couple friends have suggested Christe’s just mad at Tesla because he can’t fit in one.)

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A #SFGiants prospect who might make the team is Ehire Adrianza. Sounds like he could become #JohnTravolta‘s favorite player.

 

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Just how big a jerk has Juan Pablo turned out to be? Even Massengill doesn’t want him as an spokesman.

 

Men’s Wearhouse is buying Jos. A Banks. Now you will be able to buy 10 cheap suits for the price of 1. I guarantee it.

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In San Diego, police say several frat boys on spring break broke into SeaWorld at night, stole ice cream, and went looking for animals to take pictures with. What a shame they didn’t fall into the shark tank.

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The 18 year old New Jersey honor student who sued to get her parents to support her has apparently moved back home. Anyone thought of setting this princess up with Justin Bieber?

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Meanwhile, his lawyer is now blaming America’s obsession with celebrities for Justin Bieber’s bad behavior. Can’t imagine how the singer gets the reputation for a complete lack of self-awareness.

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According to US Weekly, Juan Pablo is apparently angry with the ‘Bachelor’ crew because he “thought they gave him no privacy and wanted to know too much about his personal life and what he was doing all the time.” Right, because if you want to guard your privacy everyone knows the best place to do that is on a reality show.

 

So the mystery Iranians on flight 370 apparently were simply young men trying to skirt visa laws to get to Europe. #bummernowwecantbombsomeone?

 

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Former Florida Governor Reubin Askew, 85, is apparently in “very grave condition” after a stroke. He was Governor when I lived in the state, and was a politican who did some things that actually made Florida admirable. Wishing him the best. #notalwaysabananarepublic.

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Some are criticizing the President for going on “Between Two Ferns” to promote Obamacare. And I admit, I’d never heard of the show. But really,  folks, the President is trying to reach out to young people. “Between Two Ferns” makes a lot more sense than trying to appeal to both people under 30 who watch “60 Minutes.

 

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Apologies to real douchebags

March 12, 2014

North Korea reported that Kim Jong Un was elected to the country’s highest legislative body with “unanimous approval of his district which had 100% turnout.” Well, 100% of now living voters, no doubt.

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Religious radio talk show host Kevin Swanson is  claiming that Disney’s movie “Frozen” is the work of the Devil and “indoctrinates” children to be gay, because it talks about the love between sisters. Florida? Arizona? Texas?   Nope, Swanson is from Colorado. But to those other states… it’s your move.

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Chelsea Clinton in a speech today said “I definitely taught my parents how to text.” And remembering Anthony Weiner, etc, most Americans are thinking, “Thank God you didn’t teach your dad until after he left the Oval Office.”

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Open note to Dodgers fans whining about Barry Bonds spending a week helping out in SF Giants training camp. How’s your hitting coach doing these days? #glasshouses

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Is #JuanPablo Spanish for “a**hole?” #TheBachelor

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At Oscar Pistorius’s trial a friend who said that the “Blade Runner” had a big love for weapons,’ also said he agreed to “take the rap with pleasure” after Pistorius’s gun went off in a restaurant. Depending how the judge rules, we just might have found a cellmate for Aaron Hernandez.

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George Zimmerman, telling an interviewer he doesn’t understand why people are still so upset with him. “But I’m willing to talk to everyone and try to answer their concerns or questions and help them realize there is no need to be angry.” #speechless

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Cruise lines for years have had “gentlemen hosts” who were willing to dance with single women on board. Now Crystal Cruise Lines is introducing female hosts for single men looking for dance partners. Both of them?

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Jerry Sandusky’s wife Dottie, in an interview with Matt Lauer: ‘I’m not a weak wife.” So does that means she’s delusional? Or evil?

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Adam Vinatieri, 41, has signed another two-year deal with the Colts. So will he be the first kicker to run onto the field with his left blinker on?

 

Another winter storm is expected to drop several inches to two feet of snow from Chicago to New England over the next couple days. Note to God, if you want to send a “hell freezing over” message, maybe better to be a little more specific.

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The 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Makes some sense. Whatever you think of Jim Harbaugh, hard to imagine he suffers fools, or bullies.

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “49er Donte Whitner has signed with Cleveland.He should change his name to What?-ner”

Sounding silent?

March 10, 2014

Today is the 50th anniversary of the first recording of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence.” Of course now the “Sounds of Silence” is when the duo turn off their hearing aids.

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Retired NBA star Tracy McGrady, who wants to play professional baseball, has been invited by the independent Atlantic League Sugar Land Skeeters to spring training. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the Miami Marlins.

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The law of unintended consequences.  Millions of men look better to their spouses and girlfriends tonight. Simply because they are not Juan Pablo.

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A Minnesota legislator tweeted “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime” Proving once again you don’t need to show your bare a** on social media to make an a** of yourself.

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The Miami Heat clinched a playoff berth. But isn’t the requirement to clinch a playoff spot in the #NBA East to be “alive and breathing?

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Sbarro pizza restaurant chain filed for bankruptcy court protection Monday, the second time in three years. Guess there’s increasingly less of a market for fans of Italian food who find Olive Garden too exotic.

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The mystery regarding Malaysian flight 370 deepens. And it poses a quandary for some in the GOP – who do we criticize Obama for not bombing?

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Apparently the father of the young woman paying her Duke tuition by doing porn is an army doctor, who just found out about her job when he returned from Afghanistan. Could have been worse. He could have found out while doing some online “browsing.”

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Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, 88, died over the weekend. Got to wonder in Dallas and Washington D.C. how many peoples’ ears pricked up when they heard “NFL” “Owner” and “Died” in the same sentence, and then thought “Darn….”

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Truer words may never have been spoken. During a video deposition for a lawsuit involving his bodyguard, Justin Bieber was asked if Usher discovered him. He responded ““I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

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At his murder trial Oscar Pistorius vomited repeatedly today during graphic testimony about about the fatal injuries sustained by his girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

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Former GOP Governor of Florida Charlie Crist, now running again as a Democrat, said of his former party – they are now “perceived as being anti-women, anti-minority, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment I mean pretty soon, there’s nobody left.”

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Senator Mitch McConnell, on the Tea Party and their primary challengers. “I think we are going to crush them everywhere. I don’t think they are going to have a single nominee anywhere in the country.” These days would Will Rogers have to say he’s a Republican?

Backwards and forwards.

March 9, 2014

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tweeted out yesterday to “turn your clocks back,” for daylight saving time this weekend. In Ford’s case it might not be a rhetorical question to ask “What is that man smoking?”

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But really, springing forward? More like stumbling forwards.

 

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28 Democrats will have an overnight “talkathon” in the Senate Monday night until 9:00 a.m. Tuesday to draw attention to climate change. Wonder how much electricity it will take to keep the lights on.

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“They thought this was a good idea, how?” department: A gun show offered visitors the chance to meet and get an autographed picture from…. George Zimmerman?! You guessed it, Florida.

 

As awful as this Malaysian Airlines flight story appears to be, doesn’t the story – an aircraft that seems to have disappeared into thin air – seem like a bad made-for-TV movie? Where are Rod Serling or Jack Bauer when we need them?

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(Thanks to my friend Jon M. for this setup.)   Tony Romo was at Cameron last night as Duke took on and beat UNC 93-21, and he was cheering for the Blue Devils. Lakers guard Kendall Marshall, a UNC alum tweeted “I understand why nobody likes Romo now.” But hey, had the Dallas QB really made a difference, Duke would have had several passes in the 4th quarter intercepted and turned into scoring plays.

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Wichita State will go to the NCAA Tournament 34-0. And probably get a #1 seed. Wonder how many people will put them in their bracket without knowing WHAT state the Shockers are in?

(from my friend Sean “That school obviously is from the great state of Wichita… said any SEC football player.”)

 

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So if I’ve got this right from CPAC, President Obama is the most ineffectual dictator ever.

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On the other hand, so the US economy added 175,000 jobs in February. And even the Wall Street Journal said that “bolsters hope the economy will break out of its recent slump as spring arrives.”. Can we blame Obama?.

 

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While the Indiana Pacers, 46-17, won on March 1 and 2, they have now lost 4 in a row. Or as the Philadelphia 76ers call that “a great week.”

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Good news for ABC, the NBA game of the week between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Los Angeles Lakers turned out to be more interesting than most people dreamed. Bad news for ABC, most sports fans probably expected the game to be so awful, they didn’t bother to tune in to watch.

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Great ad seen today for a mobile pet grooming service “We cater to cowards.”

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Reader Bob B. asks  “ESPN Tiger-centric? See the ESPN.com homepage this (Saturday) morning for the line: “In progress: Tiger, others try to tame Doral.”

 

(Personally I’m wondering, when Woods retires, will the ESPN headline on Saturday be  something like  “Woods runs errands with children, PGA tournament dontinues.”)

Springing slowly forward.

March 9, 2014

So if we have to lose an hour of sleep, why can’t it be on say, a Thursday, when we’re almost at the weekend, and it doesn’t cut out of the Saturday night’s sleep that most Americans  look forward to the most?

 

In Ohio, two high schools were named ice hockey co-state champions after they played to a 1-1 tie after seven overtimes. Meaning that game lasted about as long as the last two minutes of some NBA games.

 

Another one the Onion can’t top: Michele Bachmann at CPAC. ” You see our movement at its core is an intellectual movement.”

 

More Michele Bachmann, railing against Obamacare. “Government is not the family, it is not the church and certainly it should never be our doctor’s office.” Okay, I can go along with that statement.

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Ted Cruz on Obama. “The President of the United States is the first President we’ve ever had who thinks he can choose which laws to enforce and which to ignore.” Guess the Senator from Texas’s memory is working as well as the rest of his brain.

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Two consumer groups are trying to get the Girl Scouts to end their partnership with Mattel’s Barbie. Saying that she is a flawed role model for little girls. “A flawed role model?”. Really? As a former owner I never wanted to be Barbie. But she had great clothes

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What a week for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks, first Ersan Ilyasova was suspended for punching a Kings player, now O.J. Mayo was ejected and faces a suspension for shoving a Pelican. The Bucks may or may not end up with the #1 draft pick. But the whole team stands a chance of being invited to Celebrity Boxing.

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Despite their horrible season, the Lakers are apparently not planning to fire coach Mike D’Antoni. Possibly because they think he has done as well as can be expected. And possibly because they don’t think they could get anyone else to take over this mess.

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Stanford University coach David Shaw, speaking out against a potential new early signing period in college football said. “We have a lot of kids that don’t know if they’re going to get into school until after that early signing day. So we’re going to punish the academic schools just because coaches don’t want a kid to switch their commitment?” And down in the SEC, they’re asking “What’s an academic school?”

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There doesn’t appear to be any happy ending with the story of Malaysian flight 370. But already there is the rumor of possible terrorism because two passengers were using stolen passports. Have to wonder though, on ANY given international flight with 200 plus people on board, how many people are using stolen or forged passports?

Marching forward.

March 8, 2014

Friday night, Harvard beat Yale to become the first team to reach the NCAA tournament.   Meaning it’s just about time for those words that gladden the hearts of sports fans across America:  “Gentlemen, (and ladies), start your brackets.”

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Due to a Labor dispute, MLS says they are starting the season Saturday with replacement referees. Although if the refs screw up, will any Americans notice?

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Nike just signed Johnny Manziel to a major contract. Making their new internal motto for him. “If you’re considering something stupid, Just Don’t Do It.”

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Beginning to look in Oscar Pistorius’s case like his only hope for being found innocent would have been getting the trial moved to Los Angeles.

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Rutgers has to fire their men’s basketball coach after a video surfaces of him abusing players, new AD Julie Hermann had issues at Tennessee, then their star alum Ray Rice gets arrested. So the university’s idea of a calming gesture is to appoint as their commencement speaker …. Condoleezza Rice?!

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The #Lakers lost to the #Clippers last night by 48. Bad enough to lose by 48? Even Jack Nicholson can’t handle this truth.

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Rumor has it that the NY Knicks have been talking to Phil Jackson about their coaching job. Maybe the Lakers are making NY look attractive by comparison?

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March 7-8 is theoretically the “National Day of Unplugging.” And of course, there are apps that are supposed to help you unplug. But since for many it’s mostly about acting cool and saying you have the ability to go offline, what about an app that has your device PRETEND it’s unplugged?

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For fans of train wrecks, it’s a real shame the Philadelphia 76ers aren’t playing the Los Angeles Lakers any more this season. Would be fun to see both teams try to disprove the NBA rule that “SOMEONE’s got to win.”

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The Los Angeles Times claims two anonymous members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences voted for “12 Years a Slave” as Best Picture, without actually seeing the movie. Of course, wonder how many people vote for Congress without ever seeing anything from the candidates.

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Albertson’s has purchased and will merge with Safeway. No doubt for consumers this means all the wonderful sort of benefits that accrue with airline mergers.

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Say it ain’t so. New Orleans look to be parting ways with Darrin Sproles. The only Saint where you can buy your kid a jersey, and have it be the same size the player wears.

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Brad Penny has been released by the KC Royals after reportedly punching a wall. Who does he think he is? Kevin Brown?


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