Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

By the numbers.

September 13, 2014

Virginia Tech, who upset Ohio State last week, today lost to Eastern Carolina. Just thinking if you are a Big Ten fan, might be safe to make vacation plans during the BCS playoffs.

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In tonight’s UCLA-Texas football game, UCLA won the coin toss, and elected to defer. But then Texas chose to kick off. So the Bruins got the ball to start BOTH halves. Texas edukation at its finest.

To be fair, maybe the Longhorns wanted to receive in the third half?

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Just to put things in perspective, BC, with a 37 to 31 win tonight over USC, was inside the Trojan 35 yard line 7 times. 2 times LESS than Stanford last week.

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Unlike Stanford, Boston College decided not to use the 30 yard line to go into their prevent offense.

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Although today, Army was shut out by ‪#‎Stanford‬ 35 to 0.   Clearly this is Commander in Chief Obama’s fault.

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More “stuff” you cannot make up. Newt Gingrich has now signed the “Family Leader” group’s “Marriage Vow,” which includes a “pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” So Newt will not cheat on Calista, the third wife he cheated with when he was married to his second wife, with whom he cheated with on this first wife….

 

Dan Snyder said of Roger Goodell- “We are fortunate to have him as our Commissioner. The entire Washington Redskins organization strongly endorses his efforts…” Well, yeah, no sh*t. With Goodell lately, the Redskins name drama has been knocked completely off the front page.

 

 

Some statements don’t even need a punchline: This advice to Ray Rice “To Ray, or anybody else… It’s all about how you control yourself.” From Chris Brown.

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Taylor Swift is now saying “I didn’t really love any of my exes’ So how long until she turns that sentiment into a song?

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New MLB slogan: When we suspend players, it’s because they only illegally hit baseballs.

 

So police were called to that brawl involving the Palins, and the family was asked to leave. No arrests have been made but the investigation is ongoing as apparently it was a “verbal and physical altercation” Guess it’s not just the President Sarah means when she says “Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.”

 

 

 

The average space between airline seats in 1990 was about 34-36 inches, now it’s more like 30-32. Well, it’s a good thing that Americans are getting smaller too…. Oops, never mind.

 

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Police detained a man on a Southwest plane in Seattle because on 9/11 other passengers noticed he was using names for his wi-fi hot spot like “Southwest – Bomb on Board.” and “The Bomb is on this Seat.” Then something about the flight attendant being hot. No word on charges, but figure they should include felony stupidity.

Broken family values

September 13, 2014

Mark Sanford has broken off his engagement to his Argentinian fiancee. So did he tell her “Happy Trails”?

 

Or did he tell her to take a hike?

 

 

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Los Angeles Dodgers’ pitcher Hyun-Jin  left Fridays’  game against the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after the first inning with shoulder irritation. Did he hurt it twisting around watching ‪#‎Giants‬ run bases?

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This isn’t an ‪#‎NFL‬ season, it’s a remake of “The Longest Yard” ‪#‎RayRice‬ ‪#‎AdrianPeterson‬ ‪#‎RayMcDonald‬

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Roger Goodell  has been so focused on making it a No Fun League when maybe he should have been focused on having a No Felons League . ‪ #NFL

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So how long until Bud Selig and MLB start marketing baseball as “the sport where only baseballs get hit.”?

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In a new survery, 55% of Americans said they do not believe Roger Goodell’s statement that “to his knowledge, no one in the league offices saw the video of the incident until Monday.” 21% had no opinion and 24% believe him. And somewhere in Nigeria princes are salivating over that 24%.

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My friend Alex B. points out that as of yesterday, NFL.com still had Ladies’ Ray Rice Baltimore Ravens Jerseys on sale through their website. Now there’s a potential Christmas gift that could make a vacuum cleaner look sensitive by comparison.

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, seeking treatment for a tumor, has withdrawn his re-election bid for mayor. Hoping he recovers. But it’s already tragic news, for comedy writers.

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The Orioles’ Chris Davis was suspended 25 games for using amphetamines, He says “I made a mistake by taking Adderall. I had permission to use it in the past, but do not have a therapeutic use exemption this year.” But the MLB drug agreement only results in followup testing for the 1st stimulant violation, the 2nd brings the suspension. And Davis still couldn’t figure out a way to get a new exemption? The 25 games is as much for stupidity as drugs.

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Oscar Pistorius was at least found guilty of “culpable homicide” in the shooting death of his girlfriend, (the equivalent of voluntary manslaughter.)    Although no doubt some think “If only the young woman had been armed.”

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You are asleep and you wake up because you hear a scary noise. What’s the first thing you do if you are married or in a relationship where you share a bed? Uh, look over to your partner to say “did you hear that?” Maybe wake them up. But nobody doesn’t even look. Even Los Angeles juries have to be shaking their heads on the Pistorius trial.

 

A major investor claims that Olive Garden servers need to cut down on bringing out free breadsticks, because “after sitting just 7 minutes, the breadsticks deteriorate in quality.” Bringing to mind the question, “How low can you go?”

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From Bill Littlejohn  “Looks like former FBI Chief Robert S. Mueller III is gathering people from all about to run a spread offense against Roger Goodell, the NFL, and what appears to be a Cover 4 Defense..”

Decisions, decisions.

September 11, 2014

In South Africa, verdicts can take two days. And in Thursday’s’s first day of the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial the judge says Pistorius is not guilty of murder. Wonder if she grew up in Los Angeles?  Or if she wants to move there.

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In San Francisco, 49ers announcer Ted Robinson on KNBR-AM said Monday about Janay Rice, “How does she marry him after that? How does she go in front of Goodell? That’s pathetic to me.” And Robinson got suspended two games. The same original suspension Rice got…….

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So Ray MacDonald plays after his domestic violence arrest, as Aldon Smith did after his DUI arrest and announcer Ted Robinson gets suspended for his insensitive comments. So is the lesson here in the SF football world, we’ll give you due process on whatever you do as long as you keep your mouth shut?

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Indiana Pacers star Paul George “I don’t condone hittin women or think it’s coo BUT if SHE ain’t trippin then I ain’t trippin.. Lets keep it movin lol let that man play!” So where’s the app that says “You are a public figure, do you REALLY want to post that?”

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Tough Thursday night NFL game for women #SteelersRavens. – the team supporting the alleged rapist against the team that supported the wife beater.

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Now according to OTL, several sources are saying Ray Rice told Roger Goodell in June that he had punched his fiancee in an elevator, and “that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again.”. Though the NFL commissioner just said “when we met with Ray Rice and his representatives, it was ambiguous about what actually happened.” Hard to believe, but Rice may come out of this looking better than Goodell.

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So is there a 2014 unwritten rule that in Northern California one baseball team must s*ck at all times? #SFGiants #As

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Bud Selig today, asked about the Rice/ Goodell situations says that a domestic violence “has been discussed (by MLB), because we’re sensitive to all issues.” Right, another of Selig’s “blue ribbon committees.” Amazed the man hasn’t strained an arm patting himself so hard on the back.

 

Paloaltoonline.com notes that Stanford football is “not ready to push the panic button” after last week’s loss to USC. And based on last week, if the Cardinal offense got close to the panic button, they probably couldn’t hit it.

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Kanye West went to a hospital emergency room in Australia for “a pretty intense migraine.” About as big a headache as many Americans get hearing about him and Kim?

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Sarah Palin on the mess in the Mideast. “War is hell. So go big or go home, Mr. President. Big means bold, confident, wise assurance from a trustworthy Commander-in-Chief that it shall be worth it. Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.” And just imagine, John McCain wanted this woman to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

 

A 6th-grade teacher in D.C. will apologize to students for asking them to draw comparisons between George W. Bush and Adolph Hitler. So they think she should have asked for comparisons between Cheney and Hitler?

(And yes, I know what she did was flat out wrong as a teacher and she should be reprimanded. Teachers should be held to a higher standard. Joke-writers on the other hand…..)

All the commissioner’s men?

September 10, 2014

40 + years after Watergate and folks still haven’t figured out, coverups are almost always worse than the crime. From the AP: ” A law enforcement official says he sent a video of Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee to an NFL executive three months ago, while league officers have insisted they didn’t see the violent images until this week. The person played The Associated Press a 12-second voicemail from an NFL office number on April 9 confirming the video arrived. A female voice expresses thanks and says: “You’re right. It’s terrible.”

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This #RayRice #Goodell mess shows what comes of allowing openly heterosexual men in the #NFL

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So the NFL may soon be looking for a new toady to do the owners’ bidding at all times. “I’m available soon” said Bud Selig.

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Roger Goodell says his job is not on the line. Because the NFL commissioner doesn’t think there is any video of him looking at the Ray Rice elevator video?

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Got to love targeted ads. I’ve been posting enough on Ray Rice that now I’m getting Facebook ads about men who are looking for girlfriends…..

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Scotland is voting on declaring independence from the United Kingdom next week. Whether it works or not maybe someone can give the instructions for such a referendum to Texas Governor Rick Perry.

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Jeremy Lin apparently pranked people last month at Madame Tussaud’s by pretending to be a wax statue. Even so Lin looked more mobile than James Harden.

 

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Five casinos in Atlantic City have closed or are planning to close by November of this year. And today Chris Christie announced he will issue a directive to allow sports betting in New Jersey. And they say President Obama is slow to react in a crisis.

 

The former Senior VP for ticket sales for the NY Mets is suing co-owner Jeff Wilpon of discriminating against her because she was having a baby without being married. But really, what was she thinking? That kind of behavior should be reserved for the players

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A new study links benzodiazepines like Xanax and Valium with dementia. Great, one more thing to feel anxious about.

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Budweiser is apparently testing a new campaign to allow people to send vouchers for free Bud Light on Facebook. Cool, now when people get in heated arguments on threads, they can be drunk too.

 

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Justin Bieber stripped down to his underwear during a NY Fashion Week event, to boos and some cheers. The cheers presumably were “Put it on, put it on, put it ALL back on.”

 

 

Wow. Client asks me for the latest flight of the day out of D.C. to her chosen destination. I suggest a flight at 729p. She says, great, but is there a later flight in case I miss it? #facepalm

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Monday at his portrait unveiling in Sacramento. “I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to do in office.” Everything or everyone?

A new wrinkle in time?

September 9, 2014

 

In Northern California, they are hunting a mountain lion who apparently injured a 6 year old boy on a popular hiking trail. Officials said the cougar ambushed the boy “as if he was prey.” Uh, AS IF?.

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William and Kate are expecting another baby. Makes sense, now that Prince George is over a year old, they need another royal up in the middle of the night to keep Harry company.

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Apple’s new $349 smart watch acts as a remote control, a mobile payment device, and a pulse monitor. But can it tell time?

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Apparently a long-lost collection of Dr. Seuss stories is hitting the bookstores today. No doubt some in the younger generation are asking “Who’s Dr. Seuss?” And still others are asking “what’s a bookstore?”

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Seems like only a few days ago that the biggest PR worry the #NFL had was dealing with the #MichaelSam “distraction.”

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Since the #NFL tries to monetize everything how long until we have a Fantasy Football League with points scored based on suspensions and arrests?

 

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Perhaps a bright spot in the whole #RayRice saga is that people are paying attention. Back when Lawrence Phillips beat up his ex-girlfriend and was dragging her down the stairs by her hair when someone interceded, Nebraska coach Tom Osborn let him play in the national championship, And three NFL teams, including the 49ers signed him, despite more off-field “troubles” including a second arrest (and a no contest plea) for assaulting a woman.

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On a bright note for #NY sports the #RayRice situation has knocked Eli Manning and the Giants s*cking off the front page.

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I feel somewhat sorry for Janay Palmer, who is now angry at the MEDIA for turning her life into a “horrible nightmare.” There’s a lot that s*cks (technical term) about being a public figure. But the media didn’t knock her out in that elevator.

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Kentucky coach John Calipari is reportedly organizing a two-day scouting combine featuring Wildcat players only for NBA teams. Wonder if someone asked him if the combine would conflict with classes. (“Classes”?)

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Nicole Kidman recently said that the celebrity hacked photos story is “very superficial” and “why that would even make news astounds me, but a lot of what makes the news astounds me. I do think we need to be talking about the violence in the world, in terms of Iraq, violence towards women, education and women, what’s happening in Afghanistan.” Well, she got her wish on the “violence towards women” part.

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A preliminary investigation shows that Malaysia Airlines flight 17 was likely struck by multiple “high-energy objects from outside the aircraft,” which caused it to crash. What was their first clue?

A picture may not be worth a thousand words

September 8, 2014

But it sure can end an NFL career.

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TMZ posted a video this morning of Ray Rice knocking his fiancee out in the elevator, which has provoked new outrage over Rice’s light punishment And Roger Goodell and the NFL claim they never saw it until now. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

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So yeah, makes perfect sense. The NFL reviews video tape in enough detail to know if someone is wearing the wrong brand of socks, but they claim they didn’t look at an available video involving alleged domestic violence. #priorities

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Now that the Ray Rice video is out no doubt other NFL players will think seriously about changing their lives. Starting by taking surveillance cameras out of their homes?

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“Fox & Friends” host co-host Brian Kilmeade said today that the lesson to be learned from the Ray Rice video was “take the stairs.” Scary thing is that a lot of NFL players probably think he is right.

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Not sure when and if Ray Rice will return to the NFL. But wonder how long it will take the now former Ravens RB to get a call from “Celebrity Boxing.”

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Wonder if Ray Rice’s wife knew he’d end up cut from the Ravens and suspended from the NFL if she’d have still married him?

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All aboard the bus to hell. At least NY Giants fans don’t have to worry about Eli Manning being arrested for domestic violence. 1. Archie raised him right. 2. If Eli DID throw a punch at a woman, no doubt it would be intercepted.

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Olive Garden just announced they will sell a ‘never-ending pasta pass’ for $100, which will allow buyers to eat as much of any of 150 pasta dishes they want once a day, every single day, between September 22 and November 9. Along with free breadsticks, soup and salad bar. Does the pass also come with a free diabetes test at the end?

 

Mets are basically eliminated from the postseason, the Yankees are getting close, and the Giants looked awful tonight. So in New York they’re thinking TGFR – “Thank God for The Raiders.”

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Raiders players said there was no need to panic after their season-opening loss to the Jets. Makes sense, many Raiders fans were panicked BEFORE the season started.

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Marin Cilic beat Kei Nishikori in Monday’s men’s singles final at the U.S. Open. And no doubt U.S television ratings were as great as a PGA tournament with neither Tiger, Phil or even Rory in contention.

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The wooden Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain was closed for renovation a few weeks ago, today it caught fire and partially collapsed. Now that’s a potential thrill ride..

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More why there is no satire: Hartselle, Alabama, is the largest dry city in the state. And their mayor, Don Hall, has said he opposes the sale of booze within city limits. Last Friday Hall was arrested, driving back from a neighboring town, for alleged DUI….

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It’s rather silly to have a magic number for a potential one-game postseason. This having been said, the #SFGiants magic number for a playoff spot is 15.

 

 

NFL Opening Weak.

September 8, 2014

Nice win for the #49ers over the #Cowboys. Looks like SF will be ready next week to start facing NFL competition.

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Although I have to say the 49ers game is looking good for Michael Sam.    Looks like the #Cowboys defense could use help asap.

 

And  have to wonder, how until #Cowboys fans will be rooting for Michael Sam to sack and injure Tony Romo in practice.

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Meanwhile, during the day on NFL opening Sunday, ESPN aired a Canadian Football League game. Guess they wanted to show viewers a higher quality game than the Raiders-Jets.

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Sunday was Derek Jeter Day at Yankee Stadium, with nearly an hour of pregame festivities honoring Jeter’s 20 year career. And then the 2014 Yankees went out and lost 2-0 to the Royals. #fitting

 

Mitt Romney said again that he would have done a better job than President  Obama. Being a Mormon Mitt doesn’t drink wine. But he sure is an expert on sour grapes.

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Just a few days after Cleveland coach Mike Pettine said of QB Brian Hoyer “we have his back…. it’s not going to be a quick hook.”, he told ESPN the Browns have prepared Johnny Manziel to play in the season opener against the Steelers, but it would be a “feel thing.” Right, so they have Hoyer’s back, except it might have a knife in it.

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ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcers said last night that the #SFGiants had a couple “mediocre” months. “Mediocre? In June and July they well and truly s*cked.

 

My friend Michael D. has the winning comment on yesterday’s Stanford-USC football game” “It’s just a crying shame the game did not end in a tie so Stanford could have become the first NCAA school to punt in overtime.”

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The saddest thing about Joan Rivers’ funeral:. We didn’t get to hear her say a very funny but completely un-PC and inappropriate comment about the deceased.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From T.C   “According to ESPN, the highest price for a family of four to attend an NFL game is the new Santa Clara stadium of the SF 49ers at $641. The cheapest NFL tickets can be found at Buffalo, where the team might pay you $641 to tell your friends that you were at the game.” . . .


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