Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

Good men (and women) without a gun.

August 22, 2015

Forget armed security guards. Maybe we just need to offer free train travel at all times to off-duty U.S. military members. ‪#‎Seriously‬

Well, at least Ted Cruz is consistent. He joked about Joe Biden a few days after his son Beau died, and attacked Jimmy Carter’s administration as “failed,” “feckless” and “naive” yesterday. Part of Cruz’s ‪#‎noshredofhumandecencyleftbehind‬ policy.

Wasn’t that long ago when Matt Cain threw a perfect game against Houston & some sniffed “Well, it’s only the ‪#‎Astros‬.” Go Stros! ‪#‎BeatLA‬

If Donald Trump REALLY cared about illegal immigration as opposed to just getting attention, why doesn’t he start a crackdown to find and fire undocumented workers at his hotels and construction sites? He’s as much of a hypocrite on the subject as the Duggars are about sex.

Donald Trump got 30,000 people to show up at a football stadium in Alabama for a speech. And they said it couldn’t be done – a whiter crowd than NASCAR.

A woman was taken to the hospital after being hit in the head by a foul ball yesterday at Comerica Field She is reportedly “alert and conscious.” Justin Verlander later took to Twitter to tell MLB to put up protective netting around the field “@MLB should make changes before it’s too late.”

But people get in accidents driving to the field too, and some number of them probably have heart attacks after eating ballpark food. Maybe we should just tell the fans not to come? ‪#‎fanslovecatchingballs‬

Adrian Peterson tonight. “I’m the LeBron” of NFL. And James is thinking, well, I CAN beat that with a stick.

In Petaluma, California, police say a couple used a stolen credit card to purchase 15 $1,000 gift cards at Target. So they got away with it because $16,000 worth of gift cards would have been suspicious?

After the sheriff’s office posted his name as one of their most-wanted, a 21-year-old man, Logan Hale, started taunting them on Facebook with a “Finally Free” screen name, and posts like “Hello, Here I am.” and “deputies continue to look for me but are frustrated that I am unable to be located.”

Apparently Hale should have spent less time posting and more time hiding. They caught him after less than a week. And you guessed it, Florida.

A high school football game in South Bend was called with 2.54 remaining in the first half following a brawl which required police intervention. So do all these kids aspire to play for the Fighting Irish?

So no one lives forever, but isn’t it lovely to think that Jimmy Carter has a chance of outliving the guinea worm. ‪#‎bestexpresidentever‬

(a link for the uninitiated –  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3207538/Jimmy-Carter-wants-Guinea-worm-disease-eradicated-death.html)

‘From T.C.   Jameis Winston says he has a photographic memory: “Guess it ran out of film the day the QB forgot to pay for his crab legs and was arrested for shoplifting.

No trophies wanted for this participation.

August 21, 2015

And the first nomination for the best creative excuse for an Ashley Madison account goes to Jason Dore, who is the GOP Executive Director in Louisiana.  He told a New Orleans paper he created this account to do “opposition research.”

“#‎Madbum‬ to ‪#‎MarlonByrd‬. “Welcome to San Francisco, just don’t get any ideas about being the #1 power hitter in the clubhouse ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The oldest ever message in a bottle, tossed into the water in the early 1900s, has finally washed up on a German Island. Along with the message the bottle contained a Jamie Moyer rookie card.

Chase Utley, Starlin Castro, Yadier Molina.. three of a long list of MLB players this year who have fewer home runs than Madison Bumgarner. (‪#‎Madbum‬ tonight hit his 5th.)

So for all the expensive contracts the LA Dodgers picked up in trade this season, apparently one they missed for was for a guy making the $512.500 MLB minimum – Mike Fiers. ‪#‎nohitter‬

Megan Fox has filed for divorce. Women think – “that’s sad.” Men think – “she’s available!”

Increasing controversy over the topless painted women in Times Square. Not sure what will happen in the long term. But short term… guessing a lot more visitors to Times Square.

North Korea says “We’re in a ‘quasi-state of war’ .” Makes sense, North Korea is kind of a “quasi-state.”

Oops, Netflix announced that workers were going to get up to a year of paid maternity-paternity leave. Now it comes out that the 450 employees in their DVD division are excluded. Shocking. Netflix still HAS a DVD division?!

And airlines wonder why we don’t trust them. A 11ami flight from SF to Honolulu is over an hour late today because of a “late arriving aircraft.” Fair enough. Except that late flight, from Chicago, was DUE to arrive at SFO at 1134am.

United couldn’t just say, “we swapped planes because something broke or we needed a plane elsewhere?” Nah, that would be too straightforward.

Former USC QB Ricky Town, who has chosen to transfer to Arkansas, told ESPN he left in part because of the Trojans’ “offensive system.” Probably more precisely because he wasn’t a part of it.

Bill Littlejohn, regarding Bengals DB Pacman Jones saying he’d have $100 million if not for suspensions: “He’d have $200 million if not for strip clubs.”

Shotgun divorces?

August 20, 2015

Three of the top 20 cities in the world with the most Ashley Madison accounts are in Texas, (Houston, San Antonio and Dallas.) Well, this could get interesting. As most of their spouses are likely to be armed.

Investigators are recommending filing manslaughter charges against Caitlyn Jenner for that fatal car crash in February. Her defense no doubt – “I’m a changed person now.”

The Pentagon is looking for sites in U.S. to place Gitmo detainees. I guess Florida would be cruel and unusual punishment?

Jimmy Carter announced he will undergo radiation treatment after cancer spots were found on his brain, but he is optimistic will extend his life. Carter didn’t have the option some other politicians do, which is to tell doctors to remove their brain because they aren’t using it.

Apparently tens of thousands of Ashley Madison accounts are .gov addresses. Who knew so many government workers were capable of multitasking?

Josh Duggar: “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”

A hypocrite yes. Biggest ever? Once again Josh is guilty of extreme narcissism. ‪#‎hesgotsomecompetitioninWashington‬

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Josh Duggar posted an open apology online and then edited it to take out mention of a porn addiction and his apology for molesting girls as a teenager. Guess Josh REALLY hasn’t learned yet, what’s on the internet stays FOREVER on the internet.

A federal appeals court ruled that former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell must report to prison while he asks the U.S. Supreme Court to reverse his convictions. And McDonnell is thinking “Damn, I should have run for office in Louisiana.”

As Jared Fogle awaits sentencing for his child porn plea bargain he been banned from computers with internet, must stay away from children, and is not allowed to own a gun. Waiting for the NRA to protest over that last one.

Aaron Hernandez has been involved in another prison fight. Forget whether the former Patriots star will ever get out of jail or not, the bus to hell question of the night is, “so would he be a good pick for a 2016 death lotto?”

New Red Sox GM “Dave Dombrowski – “I’m not here to blow up the operation.” And Boston fans are thinking “Hasn’t the current team accomplished that already?”

RGIII looked overwhelmed today and ended up with a concussion. But sports and politics often have a lot in common – as in do we really expect any better from any much touted young man who goes to Washington?.

What’s in a name?

August 19, 2015

My best startup idea of the month. (If only I could code) : A company that can fabricate “proof’ of identify theft that resulted in a hacker signing up under your name at Ashley Madison.

So the first big name in the Ashley Madison breach is….. Josh Duggar?!   Karma is not only a mean bitch, she apparently really doesn’t like hypocrites.

Mike Huckabee, May 22, “No one needs to defend Josh’s actions as a teenager, but the fact that he confessed his sins to those he harmed, sought help, and has gone forward to live a responsible and circumspect life as an adult is testament to his family’s authenticity and humility.”
Any fellow bus-to-hell riders looking forward to Huckabee’s next statement on the Duggars?

In Oklahoma, a member of a self-appointed group of men  guarding a “Muslim-free” gun shop and range accidentally shot himself  in the arm Tuesday.  Once again Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.”

As the Dodgers’ payroll continues to sky rocket this season, have to wonder, does ownership have enough money in reserve to give all the players participation trophies?

Regarding the ‪#‎Dodgers‬‘ acquisition of ‪#‎ChaseUtley‬? Are they hoping he can help out their bullpen?
And with Utley, who has a $15 million contract, the Dodgers will pay about $2 million just to rent him for six weeks.. Even the Yankees are thinking “Jeez, show a little financial restraint.”

In Florida, authorities say a large sinkhole that swallowed a man in 2013 has reopened. Can we send George Zimmerman to investigate?

A Massachusetts employee of Wild Oaks Markets, a smaller Whole Foods competitor, is charged with calling in a fake bomb threat so she could leave work early. A bomb threat?! Was that really necessary? At these places she might have been able to close down the store by alleging something like an excess of gluten.

New York City mayor Bill De Blasio says that topless Times Square performers need to go. Some of the mayor’s opponents will no doubt say it’s because De Blasio doesn’t want any competition as the biggest boob in New York.

Finally, actual practical advice instead of a joke: Took me too long to learn this, but when you get a really stupid airline, hotel, or other customer service representative on the phone, better not to argue with them, simply say “sorry, I have to take this other call” and hang up.

In the “cheer up, it could be worse” department; a few months ago executives at Subway figured their worst problem was declining sales because of decreased customer satisfaction with their food.

Police were called to a Niagara Falls hotel yesterday morning when a baby ended up locked in the hotel safe. The baby was freed and was “alert and crying.” Maybe that’s the last time the family takes advantage of a discounted babysitting offer?

From Gary M.  after I made fun of worries about Madison Bumgarner getting hurt pinch hitting “As long as he doesn’t wash Jeff Kent’s truck, he should be OK.”

Beyond borders.

August 18, 2015

So Donald Trump’s latest complaint is about H-1B visas, which he claims result in foreigners taking jobs away from minorities and women. Kind of a ballsy statement from someone who couldn’t find someone American-born for two of his three marriages.

Yes, Donald Trump seems to be doing well But not a single GOP primary vote has been cast. So all of this circus is basically based on a relatively small number of people who don’t feel like hanging up on pollsters?

The SF 49ers will lower beer prices from $10.25 to $10 this year, largely to save the time required for workers to dispense change in quarters. And then no doubt next year they will raise the price to at least $12.

The FDA has approved the world’s first pill to boost women’s libido. Is it covered in diamonds?

Apparently hackers have posted stolen data from ‪#‎AshleyMadison‬. Wonder what the objective of their plan was? ‪#‎nodivorcelawyerleftbehind‬?

So with the release of the Ashley Madison data, is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under of politicians who may suddenly resign to spend time with their families?

SF Giants have a number of pitchers on the DL, plus starting CF Pagan, LF Aoki, and 2nd baseman Panik. Now Hunter Pence is going on the DL for a strained oblique.

The team recently did a promo spoofing Full House. Maybe the House they should have been referencing was Gregory.

#‎Madbum‬ for ‪#‎SFGIants‬ DH. That is all.

(he pinch hit in the 7th, got a single, scored the Giants 2nd run in a 2-0 games.  After apparently blowing the opposing pitcher’s mind.)

Give me a break, commentators talking about the injury risk Bruce Bochy shouldn’t have taken by letting Madison Bumgarner pinch hit. Uh, as we have seen, pitchers get hurt throwing, fielding, falling down steps, falling out of bed, getting sandwiches, etc….

49ers wide receiver Jerome Simpson’s has now been suspended six game for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, his third suspension since 2012. It’s all part of the NFL’s “10 strikes and you’re out policy.”

Tom Brady will attend a second hearing on his suspension. If he can’t get the number of games reduced the Patriots QB is at least hoping for a better sketch?

Oops, now Brady will not attended the hearings in New York after talks stalled between him and the NFL. Both sides are reportedly feeling a bit deflated.

George Zimmerman is selling $50 prints of a Confederate flag painting he did at ‘Muslim free’ gun store in Florida. Where’s a hunting dentist when you really need one?

The mayor of Venice, Italy, ban children’s books featuring gay couples from local schools, sparking a social media war with Elton John, who called him “boorishly bigoted. The mayor has retweeted messages from supporters attacking Elton, like “we’re protecting our children from people like you.”

Well, I sure hope these protective parents make sure their kids NEVER see the “Lion King.”

Best of the best?

August 17, 2015

Robert Griffin III just said, “I feel like I’m the best quarterback in the league, and I have to go out and show that.” With all due respect, RGIII first needs to show he’s the best QB on the Redskins.

New description of the GOP primary, as most of the candidates, including Carly Fiorina, seem to be trying to out macho each other – “Running of the Bullsh*t.”

KFC is switching the actor playing Colonel Sanders from SNL alum Darrell Hammond to SNL alum Norm Macdonald. Uh, just my opinion, it’s not the actor that’s the problem. ‪#‎ColonelSandersandGeneralissmoFrancisoFrancoarestilldead‬

Jon Stewart will apparently be the host of Sunday’s WWE SummerSlam. If this goes well, maybe Stewart take on some REAL spectacle fighting, like one of the Presidential debates.

United Airlines is going to change their United Club policy next year so that passengers can only enter with same-day boarding passes. Wonderful news for all those who have meetings with colleagues who have taken red-eye flights and will no longer be able to shower on arrival.

Even if it makes it harder to build a potential new stadium, Washington Redskins president Bruce Allen said that the team will not change its name. Many are wondering, could they at least take “Washington” off?

Todd Courser, the Michigan lawmaker who faked allegations of gay sex with a prostitute to cover up an affair with colleague, has posted a nearly 2000 word scripture-filled statement on his FB page.

And he talks about how men have come forward to confess their own “failures in fidelity” to him, adding ‘several have come forward to share their pain for participating in/and addicted to pornography and what that has wrought in themselves and their families. And finally a couple have come forward to express their guilt and shame for being faith filled but struggling with how to reconcile that with having homosexual tendencies and trying to reconcile that with their faith”

At this point even God somewhere is thinking “Just STFU.”

Christine Ouzounian, the ex-nanny whose rumored affair with Ben Affleck reportedly was the final straw in his marriage to Jennifer Garner , apparently is interested in becoming the next “Bachelorette.” Is her goal to prove a woman can end up as universally disliked as Juan Pablo. ‪#‎itsokay‬

Greg Oden, the 2007 #1 NBA draft pick, has signed with the Jiangsu Dragons of Chinese league. Could be a good fit. The Chinese are taught to respect their elders.

MadisonBumgarner‬ at the plate at AT&T Park in 2014-15. .304 batting average, .714 slugging percentage, 7 home runs. ‪#‎DHmyass‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

My friend Scott Russell forwarded me this from Boston: Pablo Sandoval sat out Sunday’s game with a sore elbow after he was hit by a pitch Saturday. Acting Red Sox manager Torey Lovullo: “He’s such a finely tuned athete. Those are the types of bodies we’re dealing with here. When something is a little off, we’re making sure he takes his time to get it OK before he gets back in there.”

And Lovullo said it with a straight face.

Tennis champ Novak Djokovic won the Montreal Masters despite complaining to the umpire “Someone is smoking weed, I can smell it, I’m getting dizzy.” Well, as great a player as Djokovic is, he has never been at his very best on grass.

“DH, we don’t need no stinkin’ DH”

August 16, 2015

Biggest problem right now for SF Giants manager with Madison Bumgarner?  Getting his ace left hander to shut up about possibly pinch hitting.

Yeah, so  Zack Greinke‬ pitched 7 innings of 1 run baseball w/ home run. Madison Bumgarner‬ just called & raised him. Shutout, home run & RBI double.

So Madison Bumgarner’s worst outing of the year was in Washington, D.C., July 4, when he allowed six runs in five innings against the Nats. Think Madbum was just a bit p*ssed off when he took the mound today?

Madison Bumgarner has four home runs for the year. And in the SF Giants broadcast booth Duane Kuiper is trying not to cry.

(for non baseball fans. Kuiper had a 12 year career in MLB – one home run. Total.)

Costumed characters hustling for tips in Times Square have become a New York tradition. The newest trend, near-naked women wearing only thongs and red, white and blue body paint. Wonder how many fathers are volunteering to do reconnaissance missions to make sure the area hasn’t become too inappropriate for children

Oscar Pistorius will be released from jail this week after serving 10 months for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking he got off easy.

Tim Tebow is back. But don’t laugh. At this point he’s still a more realistic potential NFL quarterback than Donald Trump is a realistic potential President.

So Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S.? And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?

Freshman QB Ricky Town. who had verbally committed to Alabama but decided to go to USC after the Trojans hired Steve Sarkisian, is transferring to another school. Apparently ,while highly touted, Town didn’t turn out to be the best freshman QB in spring camp.

So Karma is either a Crimson Tide fan, or just in mean bitch mode.

The Cubs lost today. But before the game Chicago manager Joe Maddon said he wasn’t changing his socks during the team’s 9 game win streak. Maybe the superstition helped. But at least it probably assured Maddon had a row to himself on the team plane

How often does a golfer go -17 for a major tournament and end up in 2nd place? ‪#‎JordanSpieth‬ ‪#‎JasonDay‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants in this country “have to go.” Wait…. does Trump have a visa for that furry thing that lives on his head?

Brewers manager Craig Counsell and players told a Milwaukee paper that if now openly gay David Denson, now playing for the team’s rookie league, makes it to the big leagues, he will be welcome.

Bringing to mind the great quote from Willie Mays, who when asked a few years ago if a gay player would be welcome in a major league clubhouse, simply responded “Can he hit?”

San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65 million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.

Mike Huckabee says he supports Paraguay’s decision to deny a 10 year old rape victim an abortion. “Let’s not compound a tragedy by taking yet another life.” And of course that poor girl should have government assistance and health care including mental health care so her own life isn’t ruined…. Oh wait, government dependency should end at birth.
I believe the British have the correct term here – “f*ckwit.”

From T.C  “The Guinness Book of World Records is reporting that the world’s oldest cat is age 26, named Corduroy and lives in Sisters, Oregon. Skeptics call BS, and say it’s all just a ploy to get a dentist out of hiding.”


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