Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Messing with Texas.

October 14, 2014

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, speaking in London, telling his English audience  “You always sound so darn smart and refined no matter what you’re saying.” And no doubt many in the crowd are thinking “It’s not just the accent that makes you sound so dumb.”

-

But also let me get this straight, in Texas, they are upset that the CDC and President Obama haven’t done more against Ebola. Mark this down, Texans are  Cocomplaining that the Federal Government hasn’t done enough to interfere in their state.

-

Really? Cowboys RB Joseph Randle was arrested last night for shoplifting underwear and cologne in at a local Dillard’s. Wonder if the reaction in Dallas front office was, well at least he didn’t hit anybody.

-

Apple and Facebook will now cover the costs for women employees who want to freeze their eggs and delay having children. Makes sense, why use those young and energetic years for motherhood when you can work 80 hour weeks for your company?

-

We’re coming up on the 25th anniversary of the Oct 17, 1989 “World Series” earthquake. Wow. They actually used to play the World Series during mid-October?

 

-

Alabama TE Kurt Freitag’s status is probably in jeopardy after police searched his dorm room last week and allegedly found 112 grams of marijuana and $4,661 in cash. Thinking this sort of thing presents a major recruiting opportunity for Colorado and the University of Washington.

-

Dodgers have now hired Andrew Friedman from the Tampa Bay Rays as their new president of baseball operations. Well, money can’t buy happiness. But Friedman may be about to see it also can’t buy chemistry.

-

Tickets for the Cal vs Oregon football game next Friday at Levi’s Stadium are now 2/3 off at Groupon. Might be a good time to check the place out.  With Cal’s defense and Oregon’s offense there probably shouldn’t be too much traffic leaving late in the 4th quarter.

 

-

The SF Giants are doing their best to give all baseball fans in the Bay Area a free cardiac stress test. ‪#‎NLCS‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ won at 4 20. Anyone see what Lincecum might have been doing to start a rally in the dugout?

 

 

-

 

Anyone know how many ways there are to score without a base hit in baseball? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ seem bound and determined to show us ALL of them.

-

The Royals were almost never on ESPN or FOX during the season, and they still aren’t. But watching them the last couple weeks I find it hard to believe that this team ever lost.

-

Meanwhile for SF Giants (and St. Louis Cardinals) fans who were watching tonight’s KC Royals and Orioles game – – Amazing how much fun close game is when your heart isn’t set on one outcome. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎ALCS‬

 

-

 

 

-

The NHL Florida Panthers announced attendance of 7,311 last night. Or as the Montreal Expos used to call that, a packed house.

All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.

 

The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.

 

The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.

 

#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

-

How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

-

NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

-

A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

-

So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

-

The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

-

A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

-

A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

-

Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.

 

Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

-

And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”

Truthiness in advertising.

October 9, 2014

Red Bull settled a $13 million class action lawsuit over customers being deceived by the slogan “Red Bull Gives You Wings..” Darn, and here I was thinking of going as a bird for Halloween and counting on the drink to give me feathers. -

-

Katy Perry will reportedly perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. Well, for many men that’s two reasons to watch.

-

49ers QB Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 for wearing pink Beats by Dre headphones around his neck Sunday, instead of the NFL-approved Bose.  Hey, for that amount of money he could have chop-blocked somebody.

-

So Jameis Winston is probably out of the Heisman conversation, now another hopeful, Georgia’s TB Todd Gurley, who was leading the SEC in rushing, has been suspended from the team indefinitely pending an “investigation into an alleged violation of NCAA rules.” This year’s award may end up like the Tour de France – last candidate not suspended wins.

-

-

Now Adrian Peterson’s bail may be revoked he told a drug tester that he had “smoked a little weed” before taking a urinalysis test this week. Sigh. Maybe if Peterson had been smoking MORE marijuana he might not have hit his kid as hard.

 -
 Amazon‬ announced they will open their first store. Response from young adults who have grown up with Amazon Prime – “what’s a store?
-

 

Apparently the iPhone 6 has been catching and painfully plucking loose hairs when held to a user’s face. Well, that’s what people get for using the device for something radical like actually making a phone call.

-

Combined ages of Hudson, Peavy & Vogelsong, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ starting pitchers in 3 ‪#‎NLDS‬ games the Giants won, is 109. ‪#‎ageandtreachery (If the Giants can coax Jamie Moyer out of retirement, maybe they’d be favored to win the World Series.)

-

From T.C.  “Their “Murder’s row of bats” are Panik, Posey, Pence, Panda,  Perez, Pray and then Pray some more.

-

Okay, it’s a convoluted story, but as I understand it, in 2012. a 25 year old single male volunteer for the President’s advance team in Colombia is accused of legally bringing a prostitute to his room in 2012 and denying it later.. And the administration may have delayed the investigation. Wow. Good thing we don’t have any serious issues to worry about.

-

Sigh. A new survey finds that 58% of Americans want to ban all flights to the United States from West African countries hit hardest by the Ebola outbreak – Liberia, Guinea and Sierra Leone. Uh, number of direct flights to the US from those countries? Zero. Mission accomplished.

-

Another Ebola thought: Lots of folks, especially in the GOP, screaming about closing borders and all kinds of other measures to stop the spread of the disease. When we get this epidemic under control and since AIDS is still an issue, will those same people also start telling all Americans to start using condoms?

-

Moving on.

September 29, 2014

Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter.  Tragic, really.

-

 

A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”

-

Not to say the ‪#‎Patriots‬ are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using ‪#‎VHS‬ tape.

-

On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday ‪#‎NationalCoffeeDay‬ is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.

-

After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”

-

Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.

-

The ‪#‎Raiders‬ have fired ‪#‎DennisAllen‬. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?

-

Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. ‪#‎Jets‬

-

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.

-

Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?

-

O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.

-

A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time

-

Bus to hell, NASCAR version:  Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?

Turning the calendar.

September 19, 2014

Roger Goodell, 2014. He “believes” nobody in the NFL office saw the Ray Rice video. Roger Goodell, 2012, In suspending Saints coach Sean Payton for a year, “Ignorance is no excuse.”

-

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s baby daughter is due any day now. And to show there are no hard feelings, Ashton’s ex-wife Demi Moore is sending over some of his old favorite toys.

 

Florida State just announced they have suspended QB Jameis Winston for the entire game Saturday night against Clemson. Translation: the Seminoles have decided the Tigers weren’t as scary as they thought.

 

-

The ‪#‎Cubs‬ magic number is 8. As in “8 more games and we are officially waiting for next year.”

-

Pabst Brewing Co, the makers of PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Lone Star beer, has been sold to Russian company Oasis. Waiting for Texas Senator Ted Cruz to slam Obama on needing tougher sanctions on Russia now. ‪#‎beer‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

-

Roger ‪#‎Goodell‬ said NFL will “get its house in order.” Well, at least he didn’t say he would beat the problem into submission. ‪#‎clueless

-

United Airlines now notes on their website what they consider to be the “best” Economy Plus seats you can pay extra to sit in. How long until they start noting the “worst” seats that you need to pay extra to avoid?

-

The Cleveland planning commission approved a 10-story-high banner of Lebron James to hang on a downtown wall. In case Lebron changes his mind again, hope the banner will be fireproof.

-

Ah, Joe. The Vice President recently admitted it was a “poor choice of words” for him to refer to unscrupulous lenders as “Shylocks.” Of course it could have been worse, many of the people who might have condemned Biden haven’t read Shakespeare and don’t know what the term means.

-

Although really, could Joe Biden have gaffed Roger Goodell’s press conference worse than Goodell himself did?

-

And for all the meaningless babble in Goodell’s press conference he didn’t say the two words most Americans really wanted to hear  – “I quit.”

-

The parents of Honey Boo-Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are splitting up. TMZ reported she found he was signed up for online dating sites. The couple, however, while they have gone through a “commitment ceremony” was never married. Where are the family values / Defense of Marriage folks on this one?

-

 

Apparently thousands of tourists are still stuck in Cabo San Lucas after the hurricane, in uncomfortable situations with limited water and food. In fact, the conditions are almost as bad as they were on the plane flights to Mexico.

 

-

They don’t give an award in MLB for “biggest choke job.” But this year there sure are a lot of contenders.

 

According to the NJ Star-Ledger, Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told staff members in a meeting. “[We] have to reach out to our donors, fans, everyone, and we need to touch them. Not in a Jerry Sandusky-type way.” Wow. Is Hermann trying to get hired as a VP of sensitivity training for the NFL.

United Kingdom we still stand.

September 18, 2014

So the Scottish Independence vote has failed. And across the U.S. the most common responses are probably “Weren’t they already an independent country?” and “What does this mean for Scotch whiskey prices?”

-

And hope springs eternal.  From Daniel Miller, director of Texas Nationalist Movement., on the Scottish referendum, before the votes were counted:  “We’re excited that they are able to have a voice, to be able to go to the polls and voice their political will on the issue of self-determination. We’re hoping for a ‘Yes’ vote.” I’ll swap Puerto Rico for Texas as the 50th state any time. ‪#‎noforeignaid‬

-

Andy Murray, who has been neutral on Scottish independence, tweeted early this morning “‘Huge day for Scotland today! no campaign negativity last few days totally swayed my view on it. excited to see the outcome. lets do this!’ Ought to be real interesting when Murray shows up next year at Wimbledon.

(and do have to wonder, understand neutrality, but have if he was going to come out as a “yes,” why not do it earlier, when it might have mattered, instead of today when it probably accomplished nothing except really annoying English fans and sponsors.)

-

 

Florida State believes they have strictly disciplined Jameis Winston for his “offensive and vulgar” behavior with a one-half game suspension. The school’s biggest regret? That Winston didn’t scream the obscene meme sooner, so they could have suspended him for their game against the Citadel.

-

Texas Tech defensive coordinator Matt Wallerstedt resigned today. ESPN reported that he was “was suspected of being under the influence of an unknown substance while on campus.” Of course, this is Lubbock, TX. Was the “unknown substance” Chardonnay?

-

Gatorade has a new commercial honoring Derek Jeter and his retirement. Good thing. Would hate for such a momentous event to go unnoticed.

-

Michael Vick feels that Roger Goodell should not be fired, and said that the NFL commissioner is “doing a great job.” And Vick’s image rehabilitation was going so well……

-

About now the ‪#‎NFL‬ would let Michael Sam & his boyfriend get married on 50 yd-line if it would be the #1 football headline. ‪#‎Distractions‬

-

-

Vikings WR Jerome Simpson. already serving a 3 game DUI suspension, will be arraigned in November after being pulled over for alleged marijuana possession, driving with an open bottle and violating limited license restrictions. And the NFL is thinking, “Thank God, he didn’t beat up anyone.

 

4-1 lead in the 7th over the Dodgers and the Chicago pitcher induces an inning-ending double play which gets booted, and LA ends up scoring 5 runs enroute to a 8-4 win. SFGiants fans would like to thank the Cubs for reminding us, we may have ‪#‎torture‬ but it could be worse.

-

Although they are not in the same league, the Oakland As are constantly competing with the SF Giants. And in 2014 year they seem bound and determined to compete with the June-July version of the Giants.

-

Miley Cyrus is now under criminal investigation for twerking in Monterrey with dancers whipping and rubbing Mexican flags on her derriere. As the Mexican constitution protects “national emblems, the flag and the national anthem.” Well, even if Miley didn’t commit a technical crime in Mexico, she should be under investigation for criminal stupidity.

Be careful what you wish for.

September 15, 2014

Before the Chargers’ game, Richard Sherman was bitching about Aaron Rodgers not throwing to receivers he covered: The Seattle CB said he “needed” the ball. SD QB Philip Rivers was 6-for-6 passing today for 60 yards while throwing to receivers Sherman was covering. ‪#‎Missionaccomplished‬.

-

 

Many 49ers fans who drove to tonight’s home opener were stuck for hours after the game. As opposed to the team, who apparently checked out after the third quarter. ‪#‎SF49ers‬.

 

-

Colin Kaepernick had an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for “inappropriate language.” Good thing fans couldn’t be heard talking to the television.

-

NFL Refs missed a SF delay of game that would have negated a 49ers TD, And missed Percy Harvey stepping out of bounds on his way to what was called a Seahawks TD.  And apparently messed up on a crucial time out call that cost the Jets a TD.  So where are all those replacement guys again?

-

Before today’s Dallas-Tennessee game today the Titans included the song “Fight Night” on their stadium warmup soundtrack. A song that includes the lyrics “Lil’ mamma, she keep looking at me (lil’ mama!) Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night. Hit it with the left Hit with the right Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night.”

Can’t imagine how the NFL gets the reputation for being tone deaf.

-

RGIII was injured in the first quarter of the Redskins-Jaguars game. Wonder if Washington will send Jacksonville a thank you note.

 

-

Greg Norman is recovering in a hospital after he nearly cut off his own hand in a chain saw accident. Apparently he had posted a picture of himself a week earlier holding that chain saw. “Time to trim the sea grapes today. Never ask someone to do something that you can do yourself.” Well, maybe not quite never.

-

As a New Orleans fan,  only good thing about Browns win over the Saints. At least maybe we don’t have to hear much about Johnny Manziel this year.

-

Texas Solicitor General Jonathan Mitchell has asked a federal appeals court to allow the state to enforce a “surgical standards” law that will close more than half of Texas’s abortion facilities. Mitchell says that “the vast majority of the state’s reproductive-age women will live within 150 miles” of the remaining clinics.

Wonder how Texas would feel about the vast majority of the state’s men living within 150 miles of pharmacies selling Viagra?

-

The Mets are out of the postseason, the Yankees are almost out, the Giants got solidly beaten and the Jets choked. So in New York they’re wondering “When does the Knicks preseason start?”

-

No comment needed. From a Baseball Hall of Fame book from 2000, with last two pages “Return to the Glory Days. The last paragraph was about 1998. “The Yankees proved that this isn’t about money, but instead about commitment, pride and joy. That is the lesson that the Yankees, McGwire and Sosa taught America- and the world – in 1998. And that is exactly what baseball fans needed to see.”

 

 

 

As of midnight, Yahoo still has a “spoiler alert” on their story about the new Miss America? Really? So they think there are people who care enough to have recorded the pageant and still don’t know the winner.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 246 other followers