Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Madbummed.

October 27, 2014

The Reverend Hunter Pence, giving the field his pre-game blessing before World Series Game 5.

 

 

pence

What was all this MVP chant late in game 5?  Madison Bumgarner did go 0-4 tonight at the plate  And he was not happy about it.

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And at one point tonight there was a nice play by Brandon Belt when Bumgarner forgot to cover first. Wonder if Madbum, a rancher in the off season,  will offer Belt a cow as a thank you. ‪#‎SFGiants‬. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

As a child fell seriously in love with baseball as ‪#‎Detroit‬ Tigers fan in 1968. So good to see ‪#‎MADBUM‬ channel ‪#‎mickeylolich‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

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Personally retired the “Automatic Out” nickname for ‪#‎juanperez‬ after the ‪#‎NLDS‬. That nickname is now permanently retired. ‪#‎Sfgiants‬ ‪#‎worldseries‬

 

 

Country singer Aaron Lewis forgot the words to the National Anthem tonight at A T& T Park, singing the second line as , “What so proudly we hailed were so gallantly streaming.”   Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports nailed this one. “For someone who has DON’T TREAD ON ME tattooed on his neck, Aaron Lewis might want to learn his national anthem before he tries it again.”

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Chicago DE Lamarr Houston injured himself celebrating a sack of New England’s backup QB in the 4th quarter of the Patriots’ rout of the Bears Sometimes the universe itself provides the best penalty for excessive celebration.

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The NFL has announced there will be 5 games in London next year. But NY Jets fans are asking if London will take all their remaining home games THIS year.

 

Michigan players put a spear into the field at Spartan Stadium before their 35-11 loss to MSU. Seems like the Wolverines might be better served by learning how to put the ball into the end zone.

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Breaking news, ‪#‎NYJets‬ fans ask Gov. Cuomo and Gov. Christie if they can quarantine ‪#‎GenoSmith‬

Jeb Bush’s son said today now it’s “more than likely” that his father will run for president in 2016. God Bless America. Thank goodness we don’t live in a banana republic where power is only in the hands of a few families.

 

Meanwhile, the New Orleans Saints staked their claim to be the best 3-4 team in the NFL, beating Green Bay 43-22.    Though apparently both defenses took the night off –  there were no punts by either team,  the third time that’s happened in NFL history

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And now for a little sad perspective on the fact that it is after all just a game. St. Louis star rookie Oscar Taveras, dead in a car accident.  Only 22 years old.   He hit a game tying home run against the Giants in an NLCS game that the Cardinals ended up winning. His only postseason home run as it turned out.   He and Juan Perez were good friends. Nice story here from Newsday.

http://www.newsday.com/sports/columnists/david-lennon/oscar-taveras-death-lessens-joy-of-world-series-1.9549640

 

Sure thing?

October 23, 2014

“Experts” haven’t done very well with MLB postseason predictions. Though many of them are now confidently predicting that either the winner of game 1 or game 2 will end up World Series Champions.

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It’s not just baseball. USA Today announced their seven experts’ picks for this weekend in the NFL, along with their pre-season predictions for the Super Bowl. The picks? Two for the Patriots, two for the Seahawks, two for the Saints and one for the Packers. ‪#‎throwingdarts‬?

 

In a Chevrolet commercial Mo’ne Davis talks about being a girl and throwing 70 mph. And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.

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So ratings are down for the World Series? Bummer for FOX. Of course, they could have done something radical like actually showing more than a few playoff games earlier this October on network television.

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Careerbuilders just released their list of the year’s Top 10 ridiculous excuses for calling in sick.   #2. “Employee caught their uniform on fire by putting it in the microwave to dry.” And millions of Americans are thinking “Wow, okay, so you can’t do that?”

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Dogs tackled the latest White House fence jumper and police were able to arrest him. Hmm, if the Secret Service just upgrades the dog commands from “stop” we might have fewer security breaches and a reduced K-9 pet food bill.

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Michigan announced that their 2015 student season passes to all football games, now $280, will be $175. And many fans responded, “You’re paying us, right?”

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South Carolina House Speaker Bobby Harrell resigned today after pleading guilty to six counts of misconduct in office charges over taking campaign money for his personal use. The former speaker received a suspended sentence with probation and must pay the the $93,958 back plus a $30,000 fine. $93,958?!!. Theft of over $2000 is felony grand larceny in the state. So who does Harrell think he is, a football player?

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Oscar Pistorius is apparently crying himself to sleep in prison. “I feel so sorry for him.” said nobody.

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A Delta airplane and a Delta Connection plane clipped wings at Minneapolis Airport while one was taxiing and the other was backing out from the gate. No injuries, and the airline responded ” Safety is always Delta’s top priority.” Well, maybe second from the top, after saving money by outsourcing ground personnel jobs to near minimum wage workers.

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Lakers president Jeanie Buss says “Any free agent that would be afraid to play with Kobe Bryant is probably a loser.” Well, at this point either that or said player might have some crazy dream of going to the NBA playoffs.

 

Another thought about this substitute teacher accused of having sex with a high school student. Times have changed. Most fun we had in our day with a substitute was games with fake names for attendance. Mickey Mouse, Ima Nutt, etc. And the famous Dick Hertz. (Which would lead to the roll call and no one answering… then if we were lucky “Okay, who’s Dick Hertz?”) ‪#‎TBT‬

 

Reports are that Steve Nash will be out for the entire 2014-15 NBA season with nerve issues. Shocking. You mean Steve Nash hasn’t already retired?

 

 

The first ‪#‎Ebola‬ case has been diagnosed in in ‪#‎NewYorkCity‬. Uh oh, this could mean a media frenzy.

Question-able judgment?

October 23, 2014

Would really be worth watching the in-game interviews if one day some ball player snaps and just says “STFU with the stupid questions and let’s just watch the game.” ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

On a brighter note for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Posey wasn’t thrown out again at the plate tonight. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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Giants reliever Hunter Strickland got into a shouting match with Royals catcher Santiago Perez.   FOX was really disappointed. Had it escalated into a full scale brawl ratings would have been better.

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But okay, . So before game 1, the Royals seemed to be clear favorites with a bullpen that made the 7-9th innings irrelevant. Then it was going to be a Giants sweep. Tonight “the pesky Kansas City Royals fought back from a Game 1 flop to beat the San Francisco Giants’ brilliant bullpen.”   ESPN  and FOX analysis makes Brett Favre look decisive.

 

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#‎whythereisnosatire‬ In 2015, Camel cigarette maker Reynolds American Inc. will start prohibiting the use of cigarettes, cigars or pipes in the company’s offices, conference rooms and elevators.

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Safari bookings in Kenya have apparently dropped up to 70% because of Ebola fears. Despite the fact that Kenya is over 3000 miles from Liberia. This is as if overseas tourists started avoiding New York because of earthquake fears in California. ‪#‎lookataglobepeople‬!

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The new President and COO of Norwegian Cruise line came from Darden, where he was COO of Olive Garden restaurants. Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of cruise ships having mediocre food.

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Who says football isn’t educational. The Florida Gators have replaced their starting QB with a true freshman. And a number of players now may learn the historical story behind the phrase “replacing deck chairs on the Titanic.

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The NCAA just stated that the Mo’ne Davis’s Chevy commercial won’t affect her amateur status should the 13 year old want to play college sports. The statement concludes “While this situation is unusual, the flexible approach utilized in this decision is not.” In other words, we want to be at least as fair to Mo’ne as we would be to an SEC Heisman winner.

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A judge ruled that Roger Goodell must testify at the hearing on Ray Rice’s appeal of his indefinite suspension. So that will settle it, when he gets asked direct questions, why would anyone doubt Goodell’s honesty?

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Kim Kardashian, in an interview with ES magazine on daughter North West ‘She will have to work for what she wants’, just like Kim herself did. And she said it with a straight face.

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-In Washington, D.C., a 22 year-old substitute teacher allegedly had sex with a football player student, 17, on her first day of school. Wow. And here some say substitutes can never match up to regular teachers.

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How can you really top some statements with a punchline? Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle, saying that young women don’t have the proper “life experience” such as having kids and paying bills that allows older women to make informed decisions, whether in the voting booth or the courtroom. “They’re like healthy and hot and running around without a care in the world, so they should be “excused” so “they can go back on Tinder or Match.com.

 

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From Bill Littlejohn  “Report–Texas is to pay scholarship athletes 10K per year.Why the pay cut?”

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Finally on a serious note, one of those times you hope there is a hell. Because there should be a special circle of it for someone who shoots an unarmed soldier guarding a war memorial. #Ottawa.

Up to date in Kansas City.

October 21, 2014

Really good of ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ to educate us repeatedly on how the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are without ‪#‎AngelPagan‬, a vital part of their team. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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A few weeks after Matt Cain’s perfect game in 2012 I got upgraded on a plane and seated next to Karl Ravech. Told him that as impressive as Cain was, along with Cy Young winner Lincecum, I didn’t think either of them would end up being the best of the Giants’ current pitchers. Might not have been my worst hunch ever. ‪#‎Madbum‬.

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Really a shame ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game 1 is in an American League park. ‪#‎Madbum‬ is probably upset that he hasn’t had a chance to bat. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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And we thought Jeter was precocious? ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ turned 25 on Aug 1. he is pitching in his third ‪#‎WorldSeries‬. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Is ‪#‎BusterPosey‬ trying to set a record for being thrown out at home in the postseason?

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The Kansas City Royals are a great story. But as to the die-hard long-suffering fan narrative? The team ranked 25th in attendance this year. 25th. ‪#‎bandwagon‬ ‪#‎Worldseries‬

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Dallas has waived ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ from their practice squad. Well, at least I can go back to hating the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ again.

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Taylor Swift is now doing marketing promos for Subway. How long until she breaks off the partnership and writes a song about it for Quiznos?

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Anthony Weiner told Politico that his career in politics  “is probably over.”‘ What was his first clue?

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Tim Tebow, on the woeful Florida Gators: “One of the biggest problems on the offense is leadership.” And fans are thinking “What leadership?”

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In Florida, there’s a lot of voting by mail. One contentious issue this year is “Amendment 2,” which would legalize medical marijuana. It’s expected to be close — advocates are just hoping many supporters send their ballots back BEFORE the election.

(as my friend Jim M.. says “Dude, where’s my vote?”)

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Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years for killing his girlfriend. Under South African law, after 10 months, 1/6 of his sentence, he can ask for house arrest. When all this is over wonder Oscar’s friends have warned him not to come to the U.S. and steal any of his memorabilia…

 

 

 

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Love it. Rwanda’s Ministry of Health will screen all visitors who have been in the United States or Spain 22 days before arrival. Travelers will have their temperatures taken and anyone with a fever will be denied entry; others will have to report their health daily. Maybe to be safe the rest of the world should start quarantining Texans?

 

Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee, 93, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there was a time when people actually got their news from newspapers, and when we were shocked that politicians really were crooks,

 

 

Had Renee Zellwegger had her work done during the filming of Jerry Maguire, the movie might have ended, “Hello, I’m looking for my wife…. Uh, who the hell are you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still fighting Irish.

October 20, 2014

Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly is still complaining about the pass interference call against his team, basically over an illegal “pick play” that sealed FSU’s win Saturday night. Can we start referring to this as a “sacramental whine?”

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There are reports that Bruce Jenner is dating Kris Jenner’s good friend Ronda Kamihira. Kris is reportedly shocked, she didn’t realize Ronda was a lesbian.

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Monica Lewinsky, speaking at the “Forbes’ Under 30 Summit”” against cyber-bullying – “Sixteen years ago, fresh out of college…I fell in love with my boss.” Well, yeah, cyber-bullying is awful. And poor girl, she had no way to know her boss was married…..

 

Oscar de la Renta has died at the age of 82. Most women are thinking, “Sad, it’s the end of an era.” Most men are thinking “What team did he play for?”

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After Peyton Manning’s 509th TD pass, Broncos receivers played “keep away” with the ball. Funny, that’s the same game Jets receivers usually seem to play when Geno Smith throws to them.

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Apparently after yesterday’s loss to the Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears WR Brandon Marshall called out quarterback Jay Cutler. And long-time Bears fans said “What took you so long?”

(From my friend Alex B.  “Responded Cutler: ‘Well if you’d just stand still, I could accurately throw you the ball!’!”

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On World Series Eve, trying to remember all the national derision when Wild Card teams made it to, and even won, the Super Bowl. Oh, that’s right…. there wasn’t any.

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Texans and Steelers were on Monday Night Football. Two teams that are about as appealing to a national audience as the Royals and Giants in the World Series.

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Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino tweeted: “I truly believe we will beat Florida State (in football) … I haven’t been this excited for a football game in a long time.” Hmm, has anyone checked that man for concussions?

 

 

Burlington Elementary School just banned students from bringing any food, including birthday cake, to school birthday celebrations. The rationale, sending a message “to the parents and kids, especially with the obesity rate being so high.” Another example of an overly PC blue state, right? Wrong. The school is in Kentucky.

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CNN headlines “Glimmers of hope in fight against Ebola: Nigeria and Senegal are Ebola-free. A Spanish nurse’s aide has beaten Ebola. And Dallas has cleared dozens from Ebola monitoring.” Does this mean it’s time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again?

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Too simplistic, but awfully tempting just to vote on propositions solely based just on who is paying for the ads for and against them.

 

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Ah Texas. Attorney General Greg Abbott, running for Governor, was asked about interracial marriage and gave a vague answer. When a reporter said she “wasn’t clear if he was saying he would have defended a ban on interracial marriage.” Abbott replied, “Actually, the reason why you’re uncertain about it is because I didn’t answer the question. And I can’t go back and answer some hypothetical question like that.’” I SO miss Molly Ivins…

Swan song for the Orioles.

October 15, 2014

KC Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie apologized for wearing a T-shirt  saying “These O’s aint’ Royal” — a pun on a Chris Brown song. Yeah, really unfair this week to compare Baltimore to Chris Brown, the O’s weren’t hitting anything.

 

Congrats to Kansas City.  Now FOX has a whole week to convince potential viewers that Royals really are America’s Team

 

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The Royals scored their two runs to win today in the first inning without a hit out of the infield. Who do they think they are, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬?

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SF Giants have scored 22 runs in their last 6 post season games.  Of those, 10 runs were scored by way of a hit.  #smokeandmirrors

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So wonder what Andrew Friedman’s first act running the Dodgers will be. Other than trying just to buy the Royals

 

-On “The Jim Rome Show,” Bo Jackson said Jameis Winston is ignoring his advice. “I have communicated with him, and I just talked to him like I was his dad.” Yeah, and Winston is probably listening to Jackson about as much as many cocky 20 year olds listen to their dads

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Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher said they are confident Jameis Winston wasn’t paid for autographing memorabilia. And F$U has million$ of rea$on$ to believe that.

 

 

Actual items in a grocery ad today. Pumpkin Spice Salsa, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin BBQ Sauce and, no joke, Organic Pumpkin Pet Food…. Anyone but me counting the days until Halloween and this pumpkin craziness is over?

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Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said RB Joseph Randle will be fined significantly for his shoplifting arrest. Wonder if the exact amount of the fine will depend on whether or not Garrett shoplifted NFL approved merchandise.

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Ebola is not contagious through the air. But after a second nurse with the virus was found to have flown on Frontier Airlines from Cleveland to Dallas, Frontier issued a statement saying “the aircraft received a thorough cleaning per our normal procedures.” “Normal procedures.” Yeah, that’s what Americans are afraid of…..

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Wonder how many Americans are getting so stressed out about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are taking up smoking?

 

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Meanwhile,  many in the GOP are calling for President Obama to appoint an Ebola “czar.”  So they can then turn around and say how bad a job that czar is doing.

 

 

Messing with Texas.

October 14, 2014

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, speaking in London, telling his English audience  “You always sound so darn smart and refined no matter what you’re saying.” And no doubt many in the crowd are thinking “It’s not just the accent that makes you sound so dumb.”

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But also let me get this straight, in Texas, they are upset that the CDC and President Obama haven’t done more against Ebola. Mark this down, Texans are  Cocomplaining that the Federal Government hasn’t done enough to interfere in their state.

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Really? Cowboys RB Joseph Randle was arrested last night for shoplifting underwear and cologne in at a local Dillard’s. Wonder if the reaction in Dallas front office was, well at least he didn’t hit anybody.

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Apple and Facebook will now cover the costs for women employees who want to freeze their eggs and delay having children. Makes sense, why use those young and energetic years for motherhood when you can work 80 hour weeks for your company?

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We’re coming up on the 25th anniversary of the Oct 17, 1989 “World Series” earthquake. Wow. They actually used to play the World Series during mid-October?

 

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Alabama TE Kurt Freitag’s status is probably in jeopardy after police searched his dorm room last week and allegedly found 112 grams of marijuana and $4,661 in cash. Thinking this sort of thing presents a major recruiting opportunity for Colorado and the University of Washington.

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Dodgers have now hired Andrew Friedman from the Tampa Bay Rays as their new president of baseball operations. Well, money can’t buy happiness. But Friedman may be about to see it also can’t buy chemistry.

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Tickets for the Cal vs Oregon football game next Friday at Levi’s Stadium are now 2/3 off at Groupon. Might be a good time to check the place out.  With Cal’s defense and Oregon’s offense there probably shouldn’t be too much traffic leaving late in the 4th quarter.

 

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The SF Giants are doing their best to give all baseball fans in the Bay Area a free cardiac stress test. ‪#‎NLCS‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ won at 4 20. Anyone see what Lincecum might have been doing to start a rally in the dugout?

 

 

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Anyone know how many ways there are to score without a base hit in baseball? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ seem bound and determined to show us ALL of them.

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The Royals were almost never on ESPN or FOX during the season, and they still aren’t. But watching them the last couple weeks I find it hard to believe that this team ever lost.

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Meanwhile for SF Giants (and St. Louis Cardinals) fans who were watching tonight’s KC Royals and Orioles game – – Amazing how much fun close game is when your heart isn’t set on one outcome. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎ALCS‬

 

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The NHL Florida Panthers announced attendance of 7,311 last night. Or as the Montreal Expos used to call that, a packed house.


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