Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Get in the game?

July 7, 2015

At the Minnesota Zoo, a grizzly bear threw a rock into a five-layer barrier hard enough to shatter the glass. Fortunately, there were no injuries. And the bear has been offered a tryout to pitch for the Red Sox.

 

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson says he and his singer girlfriend Ciara are following “Jesus’s playbook” and not having pre-martial sex. So even God is telling Wilson not to attempt a pass?

 

 

Coral Springs, Florida police say they have dropped an investigation into the NY Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paulafter, who badly injured his hands with illegal fireworks, because it was “outside their jurisdiction.”
Possible translation. “With all the crap going in this state, you think we have time to worry about some idiot who’s already punished himself more than our judicial system ever could?”

 

The PGA said today that this year’s PGA Grand Slam tournament will be moved from Los Angeles’s Trump National Golf Club. Amazing. Who knew it was possible to be un-PC enough to upset an organization run primarily by and for rich white men?

Paula Deen is back in the headlines, this time for tweeting an four-year-old picture with her son Bobby in “brownface”, dressed up as Ricky Ricardo. Well, it’s not as if Deen has had any experience with social media before… ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Donovan McNabb, 38, was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI in 2 years. Sounds like the former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings’ QB is trying just a bit too hard to act like he still belongs in the NFL

 

From Marc Ragovin  “One of the Mets’ upcoming promotions is “Emoji Tee Shirt Night.”  With their offense I assume all the emojis will be frowny faces

Rant time. Okay, again, the random shooting of a young woman on a San Francisco pier was awful. No question. But one woman is killed by a disturbed man who should have been deported and the GOP calls for a massive overhaul of immigration procedures.

Whereas nine people are killed in church by a disturbed man who should never have had a firearm, and the GOP sees no need to revisit gun control laws….

Blowing in the wind.

June 23, 2015

Now Rand Paul and Donald Trump have joined the call to take Confederate flags down and put them “in a museum” Guess it’s hard to ignore the way the wind’s blowing when it becomes a full-fledged hurricane.

 

 

Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who has indicated his distaste for that “damn Confederate flag” before, today tweeted “The South Carolina football team, players and coaches strongly support Governor Haley’s decision to remove the flag from the capitol.”

Well, so now we’ve finally got a statement from one of the REALLY powerful men in the state.

Regarding Trump’s decision to speak up against the Confederate flag, did that furry thing that lives on his head whisper in his ear? ‪#‎combingaround‬?

Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says he is also immediately taking steps tio remove the Confederate flag from state specialty license plates. Don’t get me wrong, I think all this getting rid of the flags is a good idea. But it is also all a lot easier than dealing with the gun problem.

Rush Limbaugh is now proclaiming that removing the Confederate flag is about “destroying the south” Actually Limbaugh should be sending flowers to the politicians in South Carolina as no doubt their actions will increase the number of angry white men who listen to him.

Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs), whose son plays football at UCLA, was arrested for attacking a coach with a kettlebell weight. Talk about helicopter parents, this guy was trying to be more of a bomber plane parent.

Gmail has a new feature, “undo send,” which allows users to delay emails 5-30 seconds so they can be canceled and retrieved, Of course, if you’re mad (or drunk) enough to send an email you’ll later regret, hard to imagine calming down (or sobering up) enough in 30 seconds to change your mind.

 

Okay, clearly there are more important issues in the world. But regarding these pleas from teams to vote for their potential All-Star players “Vote 35 times right now.”

So how in the world did they come up with 35 as the magic number. Even in Chicago folks are thinking that’s excessive.

 

The Minnesota State Fair has released its list of new foods for 2015. Including caramel chocolate-dipped bacon ice cream bars, mac and cheese cupcakes, and a burger dog with hot dogs, hamburger meat, bacon, cheese and peppers on a bun. And no doubt ticket stubs from the fair will be good for a discount at your friendly cardiologist.

 

Iowa is granting  permits to acquire or carry guns in public to people who are legally or completely blind. Texas and Florida are thinking “Why didn’t we think of that?”

 

 

New York City is apparently probing Whole Foods Markets over allegedly overcharging customers for the last five years. Uh, isn’t overcharging customers part of Whole Foods’ mission statement?

 

 

Oops, Russell Athletic apparently accidentally produced some maroon and white jerseys with both Mississippi State and Texas A&M logos on them. Were they counting on fans at each school not being able to read?

 

 

 

 

This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Marc Ragovin: “Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) has passed away. I guess 86 was enough. “

Missing you.

June 22, 2015

darryl

Former player,  current MLB analyst and all around nice guy Darryl Hamilton is dead, apparently by the hand of his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend in a murder suicide..  There are no printable words.

 

 

After Charleston, this seemed like it might be the week to move on from gun violence issues to regular snark. And all I can think of now is the online discussions, over the years and after the church shooting, with Darryl Hamilton. One of the best people I’ve been privileged to meet on Facebook . I’d wish as a SF Giants fan for the Dodgers to win the World Series in a minute if it would bring him back. No joke.

 

Darryl Hamilton would at least have liked, and been amused to see this,  Lindsey Graham on Monday today  rethought his positions and called for the Confederate flag’s removal from the South Carolina Capitol grounds.  #thetimestheyareeversoslowlychanging

Mark Sanford, on the Confederate Flag controversy – “That’s opening up Pandora’s box.” Surprised Sanford didn’t have a staffer say the S.C. Rep was unavailable for comment because he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Maybe she wanted to think about it, maybe she wanted to see which way the wind was blowing. But kudos to S.C. Gov Nikki Haley for coming to the right decision.

“It’s time to move the flag from the Capitol grounds. On matters of race, South Carolina has a tough history. We don’t need reminders.”

She added that if the legislature didn’t debate removing the flag this summer, she would call them back for a special session.

Regarding Pete Rose, the OTL timing is odd, just before the All-Star game in Cincinnati. But for all those who say, it didn’t matter if he only bet on his team to win. So imagine you’re a bookie, and Pete bets on the Reds for Friday, and Sunday, but doesn’t bet on Saturday… He doesn’t have to give a reason..

 

#‎Followthemoney‬ Walmart announced Monday that it will remove all Confederate flag merchandise from its stores. One of those few moments I am glad the Charleston terrorist is still alive to see what he has accomplished.

So baseball/softball are on the short list for being added to the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo. Other sports on the list include karate, squash, roller sports, wushu (martial art), sport climbing, surfing and bowling. No this list was not compiled by the Onion.

It’s about time?

June 21, 2015

Goldman Sachs has announced that they will tell banking interns to leave the office by midnight and not return before 7 a.m., and to take Saturdays off.  By high-tech startup standards that’s practically turning them into slackers.

Dr. John Hagee, a San Antonio pastor, said there ‘there is no greater sin in terms of wrongly using God’s name than women who use it during sex. .That is one of the filthiest, most derogatory and sinful uses of the Lord’s name I can think of. If it were up to me, I would put every single woman or girl who does that in jail,’ Leaving aside the fact that he didn’t mention men, just guessing Hagee has no personal experience of a woman crying out anything while having sex with him.

Finally, a weekend without professional basketball. Makes sense though, the NBA had to finish before Father’s Day. ‪#‎somanychildrensolittletime‬

Greg Oden is attempting another NBA comeback.  Might be worth the risk for more than a few teams.   And, hey, his health insurance will be covered by Medicare.

 

Have to think that non-golf fans who turned into the ‪#‎USOpen2015‬ & heard comments about “greens” were thinking  “what exactly was “green” about them?”

Is there any stupider thing in sports for spectators to yell than “Get in the hole?” ‪#‎USOpen2015‬

Hard to believe, but Jordan Spieth is young enough that actually he could be Tiger Woods’ son.  (He’s 21 to Tiger’s 39.) #theygrowupsofast

 

From T.C.  “Somebody hired a plane that sported a banner “CHEATER” to follow Tiger’s group at the US Open. A fan thought he saw two blond women flying the aircraft. ”

Judy Shalom Nir-Mozas, the of Israel’s Interior Minister tweeted an “inappropriate joke” Sunday about Barack Obama, then deleted it and apologized. One thing about social media, if you’re an idiot, instead of that knowledge being confined to your family and friends, you can tell the whole world in a matter of minutes.

Just making it clear. I have and will continue to make posts referring to the “Charleston terrorist.” I am not going to give the SOB any more of the notoriety he clearly sought by using his given name. If we’re going to use names at all it should be the names of the victims.

Lastly, Happy Father’s Day to my dad, Jerry Hough. He once gave me a lecture because my 2nd grade teacher said I was too quiet and never spoke up in class. Who said kids never learn from their parents?

How sweet it is?

June 12, 2015

 

A new “soda” law in San Francisco will require this warning label “WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity. diabetes and tooth decay.” And apparently Starbucks’ Frappucino’s are sugary enough for the label. So what’s next? Requiring the warnings on the sugar packets you put into your coffee?

In Texas, the two little girls whose lemonade stand was shut down for not having a permit are reopening after discovering a loophole: They can give the lemonade away free and just ask for donations. I think we may have found two future leaders of the state.

Actual sign out front of an Arkansas liquor store. “School’s out. Welcome parents!”

University of Missouri fraternities are planning to ban hard liquor starting in the fall. So is this policy change sponsored by Anheuser Busch?

Apparently ABC cameras caught LeBron James accidentally exposing himself while he adjusted his shorts just before Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Hmm, so it’s not enough to be a basketball star, James is angling to be part of a future Super Bowl halftime show?

96 years ago on Friday Congress passed the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote. Wonder given some of the rhetoric from conservative men in the U.S. If you could get that amendment ratified today?

 

The Indianapolis Colts have been taking some heat for the new “2014 AFC Finalist” banner they just hung at Lucas Oil Stadium. Even though the team lost 45-7 to the Patriots. Waiting for someone from the Colts to respond “Our pride is undeflated.”

An Ohio man is planning to challenge the St. Louis Zoo’s no weapons policy by carrying a gun into the zoo Saturday. Can someone please hide a few of those “trespassers will be eaten” signs?

The President of an NAACP chapter in Spokane has been outed by her parents as Caucasian. So will this start a debate about people’s right to be “trans-race?”

I wish this were the Onion. It’s now come out that Marco Rubio was one of five current members of Congress who voted for a 2001 Florida bill, signed by Jeb Bush, that required any single mother trying to put their babies up for adoption to post details about their recent sex partners. (The idea being to support the rights of potential biological fathers.) ‪#‎Prolifemyass‬

D’oh

June 10, 2015

Rumor has it that Homer and Marge Simpson will “legally separate” in this season’s premier of the long running cartoon show. Wow. The damage that legalizing gay marriage does to traditional marriage knows no bounds.

The South’s Royal palace. Home of “the King.”. (No, it’s not Lebron.)

 

graceland

 

Elvis Presley was 25 when he met and started hanging out with his future wife. She was 14. ‪#‎differenttimes‬

So the way the Cleveland Cavaliers are dropping like flies how long until Lebron James puts an ad on Craigslist for potential game 6 or 7 teammates?

Elon Musk says that Tesla will have self-driving cars within 3 years. Wonder if the more you pay for the model the more the car will act like it’s being driven by an a**hole?

Torii Hunter, who was thrown out of the Twins-Royals game for arguing a called third, apparently threw his batting gloves, elbow pad, shin guard AND jersey on the field after his ejection.   And here some tantrum fans worried instant replay would do away with such exhibitions.

 

R.I.P Vincent Musetto, 74.   Who?   Musetto was a retired NY Post editor. Who might have written  the best headline of all time – “Headless body in topless bar.”

Four tourists, including a brother and sister from Canada, have been arrested for stripping naked on a Malaysian mountain. Locals they say they angered the tribal spirits and caused a recent deadly earthquake, Wow. How often do you hear “Ah those ugly Canadians!”?”

 

 

Pat Robertson, when asked why God would allow a baby to die in the hospital responded. “As far as God’s concerned, he knows the answer from the beginning. And he sees the little baby, and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler… . He could grow up to be some serial killer. Or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease. God sees all that. And for that life to be terminated when he’s still a baby, he’s going to be with God forever in heaven. And that isn’t a bad thing.”

How come people like Robertson never use that line of reasoning with abortions?

 

 

No Panda, no Morse. No power free agent signing. Did someone forget to tell the SF Giants that they were supposed to play small ball?

The ice have it

June 2, 2015

The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa.   Scalpers should have a field day.  If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.

Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca.  But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning,  most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”

Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.

 

June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?

As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.

So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? ‪#‎Blatter‬

 

Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?

Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.

Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”

Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”

An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.

So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?

Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.

 

 


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